Speaker 1: This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 1: Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from the
Speaker 1: home office in Austin, Texas. Hope everybody's having a great week.
Speaker 1: Elsie and I were discussing the other day first dates.
Speaker 2: Yes, I think we had talked about our first anniversary,
Speaker 2: and then that brings up your first date. And you know,
Speaker 2: first dates are a big thing, Like before you're married,
Speaker 2: what do you celebrate. You celebrate the anniversary of probably
Speaker 2: your first date. Right. It's something that if you end
Speaker 2: up in a long relationship with someone, I think that
Speaker 2: first date is often burned in your brain, hopefully in
Speaker 2: a good way.
Speaker 1: But we've also had discussions because a friend's family that
Speaker 1: go on these first dates, and what God is talking
Speaker 1: about it in general is the yes, that first date's important,
Speaker 1: but also, and you talk about this all the time,
Speaker 1: it can't mean everything. You can't put so much weight
Speaker 1: on the first date that it determines your entire life together.
Speaker 2: People who pass by someone because of the first date.
Speaker 2: I agree. So we wanted to get into navigating a
Speaker 2: first date, and I think that's a great place to
Speaker 2: begin about that beginner date. I think the first date
Speaker 2: cannot mean everything. It's great if it goes well. But
Speaker 2: what I usually advise people is a first date's kind
Speaker 2: of like a job interview. I think you know you're
Speaker 2: hoping to get to the next round. You're hoping was
Speaker 2: this good enough? I'll to get to the next round
Speaker 2: of interviews. And I think that everybody's nervous. So you
Speaker 2: have to give people a little bit of grace with that,
Speaker 2: and maybe if someone says something that's not quite perfect,
Speaker 2: or maybe if you're not totally sure about this part
Speaker 2: of their personality, give them a little slack on that.
Speaker 2: That's my opinion. But am I being too lenient? What
Speaker 2: do you think? No?
Speaker 1: I was going to put it into sports terms because
Speaker 1: you love that, which I did a lot on our
Speaker 1: first date.
Speaker 3: You didn't.
Speaker 1: I I got lucky on that. But no, it's like
Speaker 1: the beginning of a season, right, You've been to training
Speaker 1: camp and all that stuff. The first game you play
Speaker 1: is not the best. You don't come out game one
Speaker 1: of a season and we are the best we're ever
Speaker 1: going to be. You improve, you get better, you grow
Speaker 1: as a team, you learn each other's idiosyncrasies, and so
Speaker 1: the point being first dates are a difficult ground to cover,
Speaker 1: and by the way, it plays into some people's strengths.
Speaker 1: You and I are good talkers, we're pretty good communicators.
Speaker 1: But I would say, and I'm going to ask you,
Speaker 1: scale of one to ten, rate our first date.
Speaker 2: Whoa I would have given you? If I called my
Speaker 2: friends the next day, I would have said eight out
Speaker 2: of ten.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's higher than I thought. I thought I was
Speaker 1: going to get a seven.
Speaker 2: No, why why did you think that seven?
Speaker 1: By the way, seven is great. I had c's c's
Speaker 1: get degrees.
Speaker 2: Let me let me be arrogant about myself right now.
Speaker 2: I would have said, overall date eight out of ten,
Speaker 2: my performance on date ten out of ten.
Speaker 1: Your performance, No, No, honestly you this is this is
Speaker 1: why you get an as you get a nine out
Speaker 1: of ten because because then so you.
Speaker 2: Said, yes, professor, Yes.
Speaker 1: One of my drawbacks on our first date was that
Speaker 1: I quote unquote talked too much.
Speaker 2: That's why I gave you the eight out of ten.
Speaker 2: I thought that you talked a lot.
Speaker 1: Yes, but I would say you get a nine out
Speaker 1: of ten because you never stopped asking questions.
Speaker 2: So I asked him any questions, so you didn't leave.
Speaker 1: Any air in the room. And you You can do
Speaker 1: this at times when we get around people and you
Speaker 1: feel like because you feel the pressure of carrying a
Speaker 1: moment in a situation.
Speaker 2: I totally do. I wherever we are, always I feel
Speaker 2: the overall burden of how is this night going for everybody?
Speaker 2: I don't know what that is in me. It's an
Speaker 2: inner thing I have where I want everyone to be
Speaker 2: having fun. I want the party to be going well,
Speaker 2: even if it's not my party or dinner or anything.
Speaker 2: I feel the social pressure of the tone of the events.
Speaker 1: Okay, but you just made a great point for a
Speaker 1: first date Mulligan, which is a gimme, which is okay
Speaker 1: if I had just stopped on date one and said, wow,
Speaker 1: she really asked a lot of questions and she kind
Speaker 1: of kept talking and she never really gave me. And
Speaker 1: now the reason why you do that is something I
Speaker 1: find very endearing. You care so much about everybody's time.
Speaker 1: You want everyone to have the best time all the time.
Speaker 1: So you are the as Larry David would say, you're
Speaker 1: the ultimate middle. You want Lauren Zim at the middle
Speaker 1: of the table because she is going to be the vibe. Now,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have known that on date one. It was
Speaker 1: just something I noticed.
Speaker 2: So, if you're putting yourself truly in that moment, what
Speaker 2: would you have given me? And Okay, you feel like
Speaker 2: I asked a lot of questions, Well, you asked a
Speaker 2: lot of questions, but were very loving, caring given yourself.
Speaker 2: I would have given myself. I would say seven seven
Speaker 2: and a half. I don't know, I don't I'm I'm
Speaker 2: not as good as you in those moments like first
Speaker 2: dates are.
Speaker 1: Here's here's why. If I go back to that moment,
Speaker 1: I think there's a little trepidation. I was still nervous dating.
Speaker 1: You were nervous in public because you know, host of
Speaker 1: The Bachelor and he's hosting a dating show, and so
Speaker 1: I was careful about where we went because I didn't
Speaker 1: want all the prying eyes and anyone taking pictures of
Speaker 1: ow he's on the dating scene. So I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: if I take this beautiful woman out, but we go
Speaker 1: to a very public place where a lot of people
Speaker 1: in the in the industry are going, They're like, oh,
Speaker 1: he's with this reporter from entertainment tonight. Who cares?
Speaker 2: That's not crazy. It just ran into hot dating tip
Speaker 2: is make it look like it's not a date.
Speaker 1: In my situations, because I also didn't want that onus
Speaker 1: on you, but that's why.
Speaker 2: But look what we're both analyzing each other for the
Speaker 2: asking too many questions or the talking too much. I
Speaker 2: do think that leads to something that I think is
Speaker 2: a critical point, a critical must do on a first date.
Speaker 2: You better ask some questions and it needs that's the thing.
Speaker 2: It needs to go both ways. That is always And
Speaker 2: maybe I did too much, but that is a major
Speaker 2: read for me on a first date, in a first
Speaker 2: hang out with someone, did they ask me any questions
Speaker 2: at all about myself? If not, I'm like, well, what
Speaker 2: are we doing here? Obviously you don't really care about
Speaker 2: getting to know me, so why would we.
Speaker 1: Move forward and then go further and actually listen to
Speaker 1: the answers m hm and follow up? Because oftentimes, and guys,
Speaker 1: I'm going to put you out there oftentimes what guys
Speaker 1: will do as well. I'm proud of myself. I asked
Speaker 1: a question and as soon as Lauren says something about Missouri,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I went to Missouri and I did
Speaker 1: this and I and you immediately tell a story about
Speaker 1: yourself and that's a OK. But maybe just hold a
Speaker 1: finger up or like clench your fist to remember that
Speaker 1: you want to tell that story, but follow up with well,
Speaker 1: what was it like at miszoo or you know, follow
Speaker 1: up and ask her a other in depth question. Don't
Speaker 1: immediately go back to a story about yourself.
Speaker 2: I think you're so right. A lot of people make
Speaker 2: the mistake of sharing about themselves and thinking that that
Speaker 2: is relatable and that that's connective to another person. But
Speaker 2: it's not. And you should, I mean, we should all
Speaker 2: be vulnerable and share. But you're so right. Ask a
Speaker 2: follow up question, then share your story. That's a kind
Speaker 2: of a good basic rule. Ask question, ask, follow up,
Speaker 2: share story.
Speaker 1: Even if you said, you know, if you would let
Speaker 1: me know that you lost your dad on our first date,
Speaker 1: which you didn't, but if you did, instead of saying, oh,
Speaker 1: I lost my dad too, and just say, you can
Speaker 1: mention oh I lost my dad did.
Speaker 2: What was that like for you?
Speaker 1: What was it like for you or how did you
Speaker 1: deal with that or how did you work with your
Speaker 1: siblings or whatever it is, But just think about your
Speaker 1: story and just kind of put that to the side.
Speaker 1: You can come back to it.
Speaker 2: I like our new rule, last question, ask follow up,
Speaker 2: share story.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a very tough thing, and I think men
Speaker 1: do it more than women. And I think the reasons
Speaker 1: diving into a story about themselves just because they're typically
Speaker 1: you don't think so.
Speaker 2: I don't know if I've noticed that. To be honest,
Speaker 2: I think it's more of a personality trait versus a
Speaker 2: gender thing. Like some people are just like that, And
Speaker 2: I actually think a lot of the time it comes
Speaker 2: from people being insecure and not knowing how to socially
Speaker 2: navigate or and it's like, doesn't necessarily mean that they're
Speaker 2: self involved. It's just something they need to work on
Speaker 2: and readjust so that's why we're talking about it here now.
Speaker 1: Rule one. For sure, get excited, be happy about it,
Speaker 1: but don't put so much weight on this date that
Speaker 1: it has to mean everything.
Speaker 2: Well, look, we say first impressions are everything. That's a
Speaker 2: phrase we all say, right, But I think that that
Speaker 2: phrase is coming from a place of take a first impression. Seriously,
Speaker 2: that's really what that phrase is trying to convey. I
Speaker 2: don't think first impressions should be everything. I think everybody
Speaker 2: should get a second chance, you know, I mean, I've
Speaker 2: had some people who have made some disastrous first impressions
Speaker 2: on me. You know, met someone at a party and
Speaker 2: they were wasted. I'm not going to hold that against them.
Speaker 2: I'll meet them again. And you know, everybody deserves a
Speaker 2: second shot.
Speaker 1: I mean, honestly, if I didn't get a second shot,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have been the host of the Bachelor for
Speaker 1: twenty years. I had a horrible first date. I had
Speaker 1: a terrible first impression.
Speaker 2: What your first audition.
Speaker 1: I didn't audition, I just had an interview and I
Speaker 1: went in and it was like a first date, right,
Speaker 1: You're sitting down with the creator of the show and executives,
Speaker 1: and it was a disaster. I was horrible. I was
Speaker 1: terrible in the room. They were terrible in the room.
Speaker 1: We hated each other. But I came back and I
Speaker 1: was more myself, and we obviously had a pretty good
Speaker 1: marriage for twenty years.
Speaker 2: But by the way, why do you think you got
Speaker 2: a second shot?
Speaker 1: They had heard somebody had heard and I you know, look,
Speaker 1: they all took credit for it later of whose idea
Speaker 1: this was. But they went out to somebody else and
Speaker 1: actually were in negotiations with somebody else, and then they
Speaker 1: called me and said they want to meet with you again.
Speaker 1: I said, why it was such a disaster. Our first
Speaker 1: date was a mess that it was, I mean, oil
Speaker 1: and water just didn't mix. And I went back in
Speaker 1: for the second interview and they said, look, you are
Speaker 1: terrible in our first interview, but we hear you're a
Speaker 1: good guy. Let's do this again. And they all, you know,
Speaker 1: through the years, took credit for I was the one
Speaker 1: that stood up for you because I heard and knew it.
Speaker 1: But I'll never get to the bottom of what really happened.
Speaker 1: But I did get that second first date. And I
Speaker 1: think the maybe the better line is you know how
Speaker 1: you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Speaker 1: That's true, but that first impression doesn't have to mean everything,
Speaker 1: and so I think, maybe, look, you're always going to
Speaker 1: have that first impression. I left that first impression on
Speaker 1: everybody when I went in for that interview. I left
Speaker 1: that first impression on you. But if you had said, god,
Speaker 1: he just I don't know, man, he talked too much.
Speaker 1: I'm never going to see him again. What a horrible
Speaker 1: like miss that would have been.
Speaker 2: Totally and here's the indicator, right, if you wanted to
Speaker 2: play a numbers game with it. Since we're ranking, I
Speaker 2: would say, if you have about a I would even
Speaker 2: go as low as a seven out of ten for
Speaker 2: the date. Give someone a second chance another date six
Speaker 2: and below. I don't know. I mean, I'm not sitting
Speaker 2: here telling everybody. If you go on a first date
Speaker 2: and you agree on nothing and you have completely different
Speaker 2: views of the world and you're not from the same
Speaker 2: place and you didn't connect, of course you shouldn't give
Speaker 2: that person a second chance. But if it was just
Speaker 2: one or two things, you know, like truly with us,
Speaker 2: I thought, gosh, we have a lot in common, and
Speaker 2: I think he's really smart, and I think he's really
Speaker 2: polite and gentlemanly and kind. He talked a little too much,
Speaker 2: But in my head, I went, well, maybe he was nervous.
Speaker 2: You know, approach it like a human ask yourself. First
Speaker 2: dates are nerve wracking. Was this person nervous? Maybe he
Speaker 2: was tired, maybe at a crazy busy day. You know,
Speaker 2: you've got to like have a human factor when you're
Speaker 2: considering would I take go on that second date?
Speaker 1: And what is the worst thing that happens again? If
Speaker 1: they were offensive, like, don't put yourself out there to
Speaker 1: have another horrible, offensive experience. But what's the worst thing
Speaker 1: if you thought, ah, there's potential there, maybe so have
Speaker 1: a second date, and then you can say Nope, I
Speaker 1: was wrong, or wow, that really opened my eyes to
Speaker 1: something that could be pretty beautiful. By our second date,
Speaker 1: we were often running. I think totally we are. The
Speaker 1: first date was not awkward at all. It wasn't bad
Speaker 1: at all. Again, I you know, sees get degrees, sees
Speaker 1: get dates, sees got me the sea, got me a
Speaker 1: second get a second date, see get dates. But I
Speaker 1: think I agree. If if you are going to rank
Speaker 1: a date, and maybe that's a good formula, go home,
Speaker 1: and it's what you would tell your dearest friend, your mom, whatever,
Speaker 1: your sister. And if you said, all right, babe, rank this,
Speaker 1: and if you say seven, seven and a half eight,
Speaker 1: but this give to give it another chance. And what's
Speaker 1: the worst thing that happens is you have a second
Speaker 1: dinner and you don't or to dessert, You go home
Speaker 1: and you don't talk to him again.
Speaker 2: So I think we need to dive into importantly how
Speaker 2: to do a first date, though, or we're telling people
Speaker 2: a lot how to judge whether to have a second date.
Speaker 2: I think there are some key factors in how to
Speaker 2: approach a first date. Well one, be excited, show up excited.
Speaker 2: You know nobody wants to feel like you don't want
Speaker 2: to be there. Be excited even if you're not sure,
Speaker 2: even if you're questioning it. Otherwise, why are you wasting
Speaker 2: everyone's time? Go in with energy and being open.
Speaker 1: Two And by the way, can I just hit one
Speaker 1: point on that that goes to literally getting out of
Speaker 1: the car. The moment you get out of a car,
Speaker 1: your body language, your look, the smile on your face.
Speaker 1: If you walk in past the hostess, Stan and I'm
Speaker 1: sitting at the bar, your shoulders are slumped and you've
Speaker 1: got this look on your face and you're kind of
Speaker 1: looking around. Walk in and guys, this goes for you too.
Speaker 1: Walk in, shoulders up back, looking strong, looking confident, looking happy,
Speaker 1: looking excited that you're in this moment. That body language
Speaker 1: goes a long way the moment you walk in a room.
Speaker 2: Have you had some bad body language on first dates?
Speaker 2: It sounds like you have. What happened to you?
Speaker 1: I mean, I think of I don't know why the
Speaker 1: pig pin, you know of the Peanuts character I've just
Speaker 1: kind of had his shoulders down. There's this dirty were dirty.
Speaker 1: But yeah, that's it's an exaggeration. But yeah, I've had
Speaker 1: people where I've been sitting at a bar.
Speaker 2: Number too.
Speaker 1: No, I've had people where I'm sitting at a bar
Speaker 1: and I look up and I think, this is the
Speaker 1: person who I'm going on a date with. I went
Speaker 1: on a couple of blind dates where I didn't know
Speaker 1: the person, and I see this person walk by the
Speaker 1: hostess and they kind of I don't see them have
Speaker 1: a good exchange with the hostess, right, they don't stop
Speaker 1: and smile and look my way and and give you
Speaker 1: that wave of like I'm so excited to be there.
Speaker 1: It's just kind of like an f you to the hostess.
Speaker 1: As they walk by, they're looking on their phone, finishing
Speaker 1: up a text message kind of, and then they kind
Speaker 1: of annoyingly look around the room of like you're the
Speaker 1: next thing on my to do list. And it just
Speaker 1: immediately gives you a vibe. Whether you think about it
Speaker 1: or not, it inherently.
Speaker 2: Gives you a vibe totally.
Speaker 1: And that's how it starts.
Speaker 2: I want to meet someone who has a smile on
Speaker 2: their face and goes in for a polite hug and
Speaker 2: is excited.
Speaker 1: You did that. You gave a great vibe when you walked.
Speaker 2: Into it first. Yeah, oh my gosh, I don't remember.
Speaker 1: You were just and I and again, it was kind
Speaker 1: of weird because it was our first date, but I
Speaker 1: also knew you and I actually had seen you earlier
Speaker 1: in the day at a charity event that you were
Speaker 1: covered and I loved you were.
Speaker 2: Like texting me saying that you you even wanted to
Speaker 2: move the time up of the date, and I really
Speaker 2: liked that. I couldn't because I'm like, I got to
Speaker 2: go home and get ready hello, But you made me
Speaker 2: feel like you were excited, and that was, yeah, exactly
Speaker 2: what we're talking about. And probably what I remember is
Speaker 2: your politeness. I mean that would maybe be number one energy,
Speaker 2: Number two politeness and decorum, Like you just mentioned someone
Speaker 2: being rude to a server, be kind of servers, be
Speaker 2: kind to everyone, and just be polite. I remember disposition,
Speaker 2: don't fake it. But I remember so distinctly how much
Speaker 2: of a gentleman you were with pulling the chair out
Speaker 2: for me and opening card every door. And yeah, that
Speaker 2: one hundred percent me a good first impression.
Speaker 4: On me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and so as you enter the room, that was
Speaker 1: number That was number one.
Speaker 2: Be energetic from the get go. Be polite from the
Speaker 2: get go. Ask questions, even if you're nervous. We already
Speaker 2: talked about this, but just ask some questions of that person.
Speaker 2: Try to get to know them. I would say my
Speaker 2: fourth tip, don't take it all too seriously. I know
Speaker 2: people who I think that they are struggling and dating
Speaker 2: because they're acting like, you know, this is everything, and
Speaker 2: well I'm trying to find a husband, or I'm trying
Speaker 2: to and you know, well I only have so much
Speaker 2: time and I've got to fit this into my schedule,
Speaker 2: and or they're afraid of rejection, so they take it
Speaker 2: too seriously. Don't take it too seriously. What I always
Speaker 2: say is, hey, it's more for the memoir. If a
Speaker 2: date goes really poorly, well you got a great story
Speaker 2: out of it, maybe went to a great restaurant. What's
Speaker 2: the big deal. And I think that dating is like
Speaker 2: practice is important practice, you know. I would always in
Speaker 2: the past when I was dating, I would look at
Speaker 2: every potential bad date as like, well, that just kind
Speaker 2: of helped me work my muscles and potentially find the
Speaker 2: right person.
Speaker 1: You can't do everything all at once. And that's why
Speaker 1: the first date can't mean everything all at once. And
Speaker 1: I hate to do this again, but I can't. I
Speaker 1: was trying to rack my brain with another analogy, and
Speaker 1: all I know is the sports.
Speaker 2: Finaculary's okay, honey, I love you, We're Mary. You can
Speaker 2: talk about sports.
Speaker 1: One thing that coaches, good coaches will tell you. It's like,
Speaker 1: say you get down in a game and you have
Speaker 1: to score a few times, Like, you can't do it
Speaker 1: all in one play. If you're down by ten, you
Speaker 1: can't score one basket work ten points. You can't score touchdown,
Speaker 1: we're ten points. You can't score one goal that'll get
Speaker 1: you ten points, meaning one play at a time, one
Speaker 1: day at a time, one date at a time. Let
Speaker 1: it progress naturally. You can't get married. I mean you
Speaker 1: can if you're in Vegas. But you can't get married,
Speaker 1: have children, and fulfill your entire life's goals in one date.
Speaker 1: So why would you put that much pressure on that
Speaker 1: one date? Sure, get excited about what could be, that's
Speaker 1: all fun, But putting that much pressure on not only
Speaker 1: yourself but the person you're meeting. My God, let you know,
Speaker 1: they're not able to make a mistake, they're not able
Speaker 1: to be goofy, they're not able to you know, overcome something.
Speaker 1: So I think making everything matter so much is difficult.
Speaker 1: Don't dampen your excitement, but give yourself a break.
Speaker 2: Totally and like you like you were just something you
Speaker 2: just said. When people say like, ooh, that gave me
Speaker 2: the icky, I don't know. I don't. I think you
Speaker 2: can't judge too hard on a first date with that stuff.
Speaker 2: Like I mean, we're all being so crazy nowadays with
Speaker 2: like the oh, I'm trying to think of a good example,
Speaker 2: like he wore a cart again and that gave me
Speaker 2: the ick. It's like what you know what I'm.
Speaker 1: Saying, Yeah, sure, nobody wants this. Just did a whole
Speaker 1: episode on this where uh is it Adrian Brody? Am
Speaker 1: I getting that right?
Speaker 2: No, the Rabbi, not Adrian Brody, Adam Brody.
Speaker 1: Adam Brody got yes, Adam Brody did something and her
Speaker 1: sister pulled her asides like I just saw that, Like
Speaker 1: what are you talking about? It's like he just like
Speaker 1: he's he gave it. He gave a really bad Italian
Speaker 1: accent because he brought in like a tie feet or
Speaker 1: something like that, and so he said something and her
Speaker 1: sister was like, oh, I saw that, you just got
Speaker 1: the ick. And it's so he says, like, you're right,
Speaker 1: I got to break up with him, and they didn't.
Speaker 1: And that was the whole point of that episode was
Speaker 1: come on, like, even if someone gives you the ick,
Speaker 1: supposedly something that's a big turn off unless it's something insane,
Speaker 1: a lot.
Speaker 2: Of these things can be fit. Let's remember that, everybody.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he put the blazer on, uh to and to
Speaker 1: talk to his parents and to impress them. He came
Speaker 1: in with these big thing of flowers and had his blazers.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I got it because he put on a jacket.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, come on, and remember when you're dating someone,
Speaker 2: what things are potentially changeable. And I'm being really serious
Speaker 2: about that. I'm saying like, like I do think that
Speaker 2: people are very they can get really extreme too with like, well,
Speaker 2: this is how they are, and people don't change and
Speaker 2: it really depends on the thing. To me, it depends
Speaker 2: on the factor, Like I don't know. I would say
Speaker 2: that I think you've become a more organized person since
Speaker 2: we've been together. Oh, I would say tenfold, like your house.
Speaker 2: When we first moved in together, I would open a
Speaker 2: cabinet and things would spill out. You've become a much
Speaker 2: more organized.
Speaker 1: I had a full bacheler Pat. I had been single
Speaker 1: for about a decade and so I was a single dad,
Speaker 1: and so I would say, and I hopefully you'll back
Speaker 1: me up with this. My house was very tidy and
Speaker 1: very clean because I'm a very clean person, but I'm
Speaker 1: not an organized It just.
Speaker 2: Tidy at first sight. If every any door you opened.
Speaker 1: Its dirt, it was dirty.
Speaker 2: Well that's what I'm saying. It clean, not organized, clean,
Speaker 2: not organized. And I think would say that I've changed
Speaker 2: for you. Yeah, it has bled off from I do.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 2: I was just going to wow. I was actually just
Speaker 2: going to say, I do think even though it's I'm
Speaker 2: never going to be perfect, do you think got more
Speaker 2: timely for you? Yes? Thank you. Number five, I will say,
Speaker 2: I don't think you should bring up really controversial topics
Speaker 2: on a first date. I do think again, just like
Speaker 2: a job interview, and maybe people disagree with on this,
Speaker 2: I don't know. You tell me like, on the one hand,
Speaker 2: of course, you want to get into like are you
Speaker 2: guys a good match. You have to have things in common.
Speaker 2: I think that's the biggest thing. Let me say it
Speaker 2: for the record. I don't believe in the opposites attract philosophy.
Speaker 2: Maybe opposites attract, but do opposite stay together if you're
Speaker 2: looking for someone you really want to stay together with
Speaker 2: in life. I do think overall you have to have
Speaker 2: pretty similar morals worldviews. You can disagree, but if you
Speaker 2: want to enjoy your life, find someone who likes to
Speaker 2: live similarly to you. Now, I'm not saying, you know,
Speaker 2: do you want to like figure out are we similar people? Overall? Sure?
Speaker 2: But I don't know if on a first date you
Speaker 2: want to dive into like, you know, heavily political thing.
Speaker 1: Let's say after this latest election, it's it was on
Speaker 1: November fifth. Let's say you had gone on a first
Speaker 1: date on No. Six, November six or seven? Yeah, wow,
Speaker 1: crazy week?
Speaker 2: Huh?
Speaker 1: Or wow?
Speaker 4: Good?
Speaker 1: You know, like what would you would you just ignore it?
Speaker 1: Would you?
Speaker 2: You know what I would do because of the timeliness.
Speaker 2: I would bring it up in a lighthearted way. I
Speaker 2: really would like. I think I'd be like, so should
Speaker 2: we talk about the election? Because it's like just last night?
Speaker 2: So I think I would. Yeah, you're right, I would.
Speaker 2: And like I said, maybe I could be wrong about this.
Speaker 2: I don't know. What do you think would you bring
Speaker 2: up like big controversial things on a first time.
Speaker 1: But you know, it's interesting too. If I think you
Speaker 1: allow a conversation to just go, I don't. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I don't really believe. In the heart, I wouldn't avoid it.
Speaker 2: I wouldn't say we can't talk about it.
Speaker 1: I don't believe in hard fast rules. But if all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, you know, let's say, because one of
Speaker 1: my big things about when you walk into a room
Speaker 1: or walk up to the bar or whatever, and you
Speaker 1: sit down, do not put your phone on the table,
Speaker 1: do not have your phone, put your phone away, and
Speaker 1: let's say, unless there is a dire need for it,
Speaker 1: in which case explain, hey, I just have to leave
Speaker 1: my phone out because just in case the babysitter calls,
Speaker 1: Oh you have kids? Yeah, oh how many kids too? Okay,
Speaker 1: that and then that's an okay way to get into something.
Speaker 1: You know, if the conversation naturally led us into that, Okay, great,
Speaker 1: that's that's fine. But I wouldn't sit down and in
Speaker 1: one of the first questions like, so do you want kids?
Speaker 1: So it's all in how you get there.
Speaker 2: Well, we're talking kind of talking about two different things.
Speaker 2: One is like the bringing up And I wanted to
Speaker 2: ask you this, do you bring up like your major
Speaker 2: goals in life? I want to get married, I want
Speaker 2: to have kids. I have a timeline for this. Do
Speaker 2: you bring that stuff up on the first date? And
Speaker 2: I wanted to ask you that now, but I was
Speaker 2: kind of referring more to like like, I don't think
Speaker 2: I would go maybe if the election had just happened
Speaker 2: and it's the next night. Sure, it almost feels weird
Speaker 2: to not talk about it and just and you don't
Speaker 2: want to be unnatural, But would I sit down on
Speaker 2: a first date with someone and say, well, how do
Speaker 2: you feel about the Israel Palestine situation?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: I don't think I would do that. And it's not
Speaker 2: because I don't want to know their feelings. It's just because, again,
Speaker 2: this is a first date and there's I think there's
Speaker 2: already so many other factors, your nerves. You don't know
Speaker 2: anything about each other, so much like let's get to
Speaker 2: know the basics and let's ease into those.
Speaker 1: Things you're putting the cart before the horse or those situations.
Speaker 1: Get to know and see if you like the person.
Speaker 1: Once you like the person, date.
Speaker 2: And you might disagree. I think that people can be
Speaker 2: in relationships and disagree on things, obviously, But but it's
Speaker 2: just I think you're setting a barrier for you. You're
Speaker 2: you're building a wall that you're going to have to
Speaker 2: climb over if you don't get to know each other
Speaker 2: before getting to know all of each other's opinions.
Speaker 1: And if you're asking good questions and you're listening and
Speaker 1: you're following up, you're probably going to discern, for the
Speaker 1: most part, some of the answers to those questions that
Speaker 1: you want to get to later.
Speaker 2: Read the room. Okay, so let's go to what you
Speaker 2: just said, because I asked, do you bring up marriage, kids,
Speaker 2: all that, and you said a definitive no.
Speaker 1: I don't think. And again, I think you can talk
Speaker 1: about things in life and you know, maybe something slips
Speaker 1: out of like oh you were married before, No, yes,
Speaker 1: you know. It's like, so I think you can get
Speaker 1: into some of these conversations.
Speaker 2: That's interesting because on our first date, we talked about
Speaker 2: whether we wanted to get married again. We talked about
Speaker 2: moving to Texas one day, like we did.
Speaker 1: We were take. I think you got to take, you know,
Speaker 1: Ciskel and Ebert or I guess Barbara Walters and Tom
Speaker 1: brokaw out of this because we both know if.
Speaker 2: All those questions of you, you might have brought some
Speaker 2: of that stuff up. We and granted we knew each
Speaker 2: other professionally, so we weren't total.
Speaker 1: We didn't know each other, Yeah, we weren't. We weren't
Speaker 1: on this like blind date per se. So I feel
Speaker 1: like we had had good conversations, we had talked, we
Speaker 1: had texted, talked on the phone, and so it was
Speaker 1: I felt like it naturally progressed. I don't think there
Speaker 1: was anything jarring.
Speaker 2: No on our foot, That's what I mean. So I'm
Speaker 2: interested in why you're like, here's what the maybe caveat.
Speaker 2: I'll give how I feel and tell me if you agree.
Speaker 2: I do think life place matters, Like if you're twenty
Speaker 2: five and you're just starting to date, although I don't know,
Speaker 2: maybe at twenty five you really want to get married.
Speaker 2: I do think it depends on like how important all
Speaker 2: those things are to you. Like I also think if
Speaker 2: you're in your forties and you're both divorced, Like marriage
Speaker 2: is just going to come up more naturally, and that's okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. And where you meet and how you meet. Right,
Speaker 1: if you're meeting off of hinge or something and you're
Speaker 1: going on this first date and you're meeting at a
Speaker 1: bar and you're just figuring out literally who the person
Speaker 1: is as they walk in, as opposed to you've been
Speaker 1: working with this person for a couple of years. You're
Speaker 1: going on a first date. You're taking this relationship to
Speaker 1: the next level. You go to church or temple together,
Speaker 1: and you're like decide to so like you It depends
Speaker 1: on if you already know a little something.
Speaker 2: About Yeah, And I don't think any of these are
Speaker 2: like hard and fast rules. I'm not and to ay,
Speaker 2: if you want to bring up kind of again, if
Speaker 2: those controversial topics come up naturally, okay, get into it.
Speaker 2: If marriage and kids and stuff comes up, and or
Speaker 2: you really want to bring it up, okay. I think
Speaker 2: a lot of it is how you bring it up.
Speaker 2: I think probably some people make the mistake of sitting
Speaker 2: down at a first hit and going, well, so do
Speaker 2: you want kids, and it's like whoa you know, versus
Speaker 2: letting that conversation happen.
Speaker 1: Or even stamping it with such a.
Speaker 2: Like if you don't want kids, I'm out here because
Speaker 2: exactly now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, giving it such a statement and you're directing it
Speaker 1: in a box, there's nowhere to go from there. If
Speaker 1: you sit down and you say, well, if you didn't
Speaker 1: vote for Kamala like this, this needs to be over.
Speaker 1: Or if you don't even this, yeah, this needs to
Speaker 1: be over. If you don't want to get married again,
Speaker 1: we're done. So if you stamp it with something that's
Speaker 1: just you can't come back from it. You're not giving
Speaker 1: that person any room to breathe in a conversation. So, yeah,
Speaker 1: there are ways to get about those conversations.
Speaker 2: Christy, can I pull you into this? I feel like
Speaker 2: we need one more opinion. I know you are you
Speaker 2: have a boyfriend. You guys have been together for a
Speaker 2: minute here, But when you were dating previous to this boyfriend,
Speaker 2: would you bring up or how would you feel if
Speaker 2: people brought up kind of serious topics or controversial things
Speaker 2: or big life things on a first date?
Speaker 3: I just I agree. I didn't bring it up.
Speaker 4: Okay, it was like it was definitely like a third
Speaker 4: or fourteen I don't want to understand if you're funny first, Like, so,
Speaker 4: if you're funny, can you make me laugh? Can you
Speaker 4: be in a room and not absorb all the air
Speaker 4: but kind of work yourself into it.
Speaker 2: I think you've nailed something so important, Chrissy. How many
Speaker 2: people do you know? I have so many friends who
Speaker 2: will go by this gauge. Well, I just kind of
Speaker 2: want to see if I could bring him to a
Speaker 2: party and if he could, like if I could leave
Speaker 2: him alone at a party, Like can you handle being
Speaker 2: around other people? Can you chat? Are you a fun
Speaker 2: person to be around? And I think that's such a
Speaker 2: smart first thing to assess about someone is just do
Speaker 2: I enjoy being around you? Because ultimately, all the stuff
Speaker 2: we're talking about, the tough stuff in life, the big
Speaker 2: stuff in life, you're gonna want a partner who you
Speaker 2: can laugh with and have fun with through all these big, stressful,
Speaker 2: tough life things.
Speaker 4: I think also too for me, Like trust has always
Speaker 4: been a big thing for me. So like, if I
Speaker 4: can let you loosen a room and I can trust
Speaker 4: you to go and be around but I know that
Speaker 4: we're going home together and where you come back and
Speaker 4: you check in on me, that's a.
Speaker 3: Big one for me.
Speaker 2: Agree. Oh my gosh, Chrissy. That was something that when
Speaker 2: Chris and I we drove to our first date separately,
Speaker 2: which I do think I recommend be safe out there,
Speaker 2: but I don't get used to that. Hey, I kind
Speaker 2: of knew him be for all I know, he's a
Speaker 2: celebrity psychopath. I have no idea. I was fully on
Speaker 2: guard even at the beginning. Hollywood's weird. But as we
Speaker 2: found out when he TechEd, But when we he texted
Speaker 2: me after and said, Hey, I just want to tell
Speaker 2: you it's such a great time tonight and I just
Speaker 2: wanted to make sure you made it home okay. And
Speaker 2: that made a huge difference for me, just that he
Speaker 2: was checking on me and.
Speaker 1: One of the things you and I love. And it
Speaker 1: wasn't as much about the trust that Chrissy was mentioning.
Speaker 1: It was more about being able to not have to
Speaker 1: babysit each other. You and I both go into situations
Speaker 1: where you have to work a room, or you're going
Speaker 1: to a board meeting and you're at a cocktail event,
Speaker 1: or I'm at a social event and I need to
Speaker 1: know that you're okay without taking Well, then let me
Speaker 1: ask you to stop, and so it's nice to know.
Speaker 1: I can just see you across the room. We look
Speaker 1: at each other, I'm like, oh, she's got this.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but is that like a second date thing? Let
Speaker 2: me ask both.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not a first date thing.
Speaker 2: Okay, well that's what I wanted. What is why we're
Speaker 2: going to wrap up here? But on the note of
Speaker 2: first dates, what are good locations for first dates? Christy,
Speaker 2: what do you think?
Speaker 3: I'm me at my boyfriend at bar trivia?
Speaker 2: Oh? Fun? But like you just met at him there
Speaker 2: or that was your intentional first date?
Speaker 3: No, we like just met there.
Speaker 4: We ended up on a team together, just like from
Speaker 4: mutual friends, and we just met there. But doing something
Speaker 4: like that, like you know, like a bar bingo, a
Speaker 4: bar trivia, like a karaoke or something, you're going into
Speaker 4: a situation where you know you're going to be surrounded
Speaker 4: by people who like doing the same things that you.
Speaker 3: Like to do.
Speaker 1: And it's good because you have an activity, but it's
Speaker 1: not an activity that will preclude you from talking.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I don't think you can do a movie on a
Speaker 2: first date, right because first date movie silence so weird.
Speaker 1: And we're going to a play or it's.
Speaker 2: Like I'm round in the dark with this person who
Speaker 2: I don't know, but.
Speaker 1: I do like like Christy's saying, you know, like karaoke
Speaker 1: is actually very interesting because most people really suck at it,
Speaker 1: but it's interesting is this person mean, are they cutting
Speaker 1: everybody down? Or are they leaning into it and having
Speaker 1: a good time. You get to kind of see someone's personality.
Speaker 1: But it is good to have an activity, but it's
Speaker 1: not an activity that will preclude you from talking, because
Speaker 1: that does need to be the major activity of your
Speaker 1: first aid is getting to know each other.
Speaker 2: I think great first date is I'm actually not a
Speaker 2: big meat for coffee because it feels so like formal
Speaker 2: and not. It feels like a business meeting to me.
Speaker 1: It feels informal to me. It feels so timed, like
Speaker 1: we're going to be here for fifteen.
Speaker 2: Minutes exactly, and it's like during the day. It's not sexy.
Speaker 2: I don't love that. I like a meat for a drink,
Speaker 2: and you don't have to be a drinker. You can
Speaker 2: get a mocktail, get whatever. But I like an early
Speaker 2: evening meetup. I think that's a little less casual than
Speaker 2: a full dinner. You know, if you're having a great time,
Speaker 2: you can turn it into dinner.
Speaker 1: I want to put effort in and I want you
Speaker 1: to put effort into seeing me. Yeah, how do you
Speaker 1: want me to see you?
Speaker 2: Like get dressed up for the day?
Speaker 1: How are you putting on, doing your hair, doing a
Speaker 1: little makeup, but note a.
Speaker 2: Nice not pig penning it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah exactly, And like same thing for me. It's
Speaker 1: like did he put on a jacket? Did he you know,
Speaker 1: dress nicely? Whatever? You know, It's like, how how do
Speaker 1: you want to be presenting yourself?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: That matters to me.
Speaker 2: And I don't think dinner's bad. I think you can
Speaker 2: totally do a first dinner date. And then that's a
Speaker 2: really good way to like see someone's effort. Did you
Speaker 2: know how much effort did they put into picking the
Speaker 2: place and that? And what kind of place did they pick?
Speaker 2: What are they into? But I also do like I
Speaker 2: think things what you mentioned, Chrissy is great, Like something
Speaker 2: that's kind of social and fun can be a great
Speaker 2: way to get a read on someone. How do they
Speaker 2: do in a group situation? How do they do with
Speaker 2: other people? The only caveat I would say, I think
Speaker 2: sometimes people and this is a bad way to go.
Speaker 2: Will bring someone around their group of friends really early
Speaker 2: as kind of this test, and I don't think that,
Speaker 2: like it can go really great, but it feels like
Speaker 2: not fair and it feels like too much of a test,
Speaker 2: and some people get really nervous in those situations.
Speaker 1: But it feels like such a make or break moment.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like bring someone to like, yeah, a trivia and
Speaker 2: I could be fun because you're just around other people,
Speaker 2: but I wouldn't be like, You're gonna come on my
Speaker 2: trivia team with all my very best friends from high
Speaker 2: school who I've known forever and we have all these
Speaker 2: inside jokes. Now I'm gonna see how you vibe. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it feels like on a first date. Yeah wow.
Speaker 4: I also like a first date that's like an activity
Speaker 4: that like where you don't have to dress up. Yeah,
Speaker 4: let's go for let's go rafting. Let's go like let's
Speaker 4: get on your raft or let's go for a hike
Speaker 4: or something like let me see you dirty and sluttie,
Speaker 4: where you're.
Speaker 1: Not pretending to Christ's like let's put him on the Bachelor. Oh,
Speaker 1: it's like let's go on a hot air balloon or
Speaker 1: let's go let's throw them off a building and go
Speaker 1: bungee jump in.
Speaker 2: That's interesting though, because Chrissy's saying something totally different than us,
Speaker 2: and maybe what that speaks to is like do you know, well,
Speaker 2: let me ask you this, Chrissy, are you looking about
Speaker 2: to do you think that you have to like be
Speaker 2: aware that a person's into that or is it almost like, Hey,
Speaker 2: I like hiking and I got to see if you
Speaker 2: can vibe or would you like sess them out first
Speaker 2: and be like are you in a hiking? Is this
Speaker 2: a good idea?
Speaker 4: I think that like when you're doing something like that,
Speaker 4: it's very raw and that like I've had I lived
Speaker 4: in La long enough to know and have enough first
Speaker 4: dates to know that like the person showing up for
Speaker 4: my dinner in La in his nice suit jacket was
Speaker 4: really the guy who was home and like his you know,
Speaker 4: pajama pants on a regular basis interesting, like.
Speaker 3: They presented themselves in a way that wasn't who.
Speaker 2: They really liked.
Speaker 1: Two, Like if we had a nice first date after
Speaker 1: dinner whatever, be like Okay, now let's go to run
Speaker 1: in canyon and do the thing or whatever.
Speaker 2: Actually, I do think you and I went on a
Speaker 2: hike on one of our Like, we totally did, because we
Speaker 2: actually this. I don't think I've ever told this story
Speaker 2: a friend someone you remember this.
Speaker 1: We're trying to be secret.
Speaker 2: We're still secretive. And a friend saw you with me
Speaker 2: that it was so far away that they didn't know
Speaker 2: it was me, and they literally texted me and said,
Speaker 2: you won't believe this. I saw Chris Harrison on a
Speaker 2: date with someone earlier, but I could but they were like,
Speaker 2: but it was it was from far away. I don't
Speaker 2: know who it was, but like I was just like, yeah, weird,
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 3: It was crazy.
Speaker 2: And then we got scared of going on public. Okay, okay,
Speaker 2: gick greecap heres we quick recap. I think be energetic,
Speaker 2: be excited, as you noted right out the gate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, come in, come in hot, come in confident, come
Speaker 1: in happy.
Speaker 2: Come in polite. Number two, be kind, gentlemanly, put your
Speaker 2: phone away, be nice to servers, ask questions, Ask ask questions,
Speaker 2: ask a follow up, and then share a story about yourself.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I also think be open. Don't judge somebody on these
Speaker 2: little tiny things. Be open, know that their nervous, be human.
Speaker 1: And again, the first date can't mean everything.
Speaker 2: It can't mean everything. If they get a seven out
Speaker 2: of ten or above, I'd say go for a second day.
Speaker 1: This can be the start of something beautiful, but it
Speaker 1: can't be your entire life into this one dinner or
Speaker 1: one coffee or one rafting trip with Chrissy.
Speaker 2: And I think stick to topics where you can just get
Speaker 2: to know them as a person before you get to
Speaker 2: know all their opinions on everything in the world. There
Speaker 2: you go, all right, Well this was great, Christy, Thanks
Speaker 2: you worked. You know what. I'll end this by saying
Speaker 2: I would always give a second date. Second date doesn't
Speaker 2: go great, I'd say you can be done.
Speaker 1: Thank you for the be minus B plus on our
Speaker 1: first date, and thank you for joining us. Always enjoy
Speaker 1: talking to you. We will do it again next time
Speaker 1: because we have a lot more to talk about. Thanks
Speaker 1: for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the most dramatic
Speaker 1: pod ever and make sure to write us a review
Speaker 1: and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.