WEBVTT - Ted Danson & Mary Steenburgen 0:00:14.836 --> 0:00:29.396 Pushkin. Hi. I'm Phil Donahue and I'm Marlowe Thomas, and 0:00:29.516 --> 0:00:32.476 we're going on a series of double dates to find 0:00:32.516 --> 0:00:40.196 out what makes a marriage. Last we flew out to 0:00:40.316 --> 0:00:43.756 Santa Monica to visit Ted Danson and Mary steam Bergin. 0:00:44.276 --> 0:00:47.276 Their house is carved into the side of a hill. 0:00:47.556 --> 0:00:50.956 It's a craftsman style bungalow built in nineteen twenty two, 0:00:51.276 --> 0:00:53.636 and it has what is called a living roof, which 0:00:53.716 --> 0:00:57.516 is covered with greenery to fight off climate change. Ted 0:00:57.556 --> 0:01:02.356 and Mary decorated it themselves. It's very relaxed and homy. Mostly, 0:01:02.396 --> 0:01:05.396 it was their warm connection to each other that grabbed 0:01:05.396 --> 0:01:11.316 our attention from the start. Yeah, we've been so excited. 0:01:11.476 --> 0:01:14.676 We're really honored that you asked us. Yeah, well you 0:01:14.796 --> 0:01:18.796 came to mind immediately. You know, really, people are always 0:01:18.836 --> 0:01:20.956 asking us, how did you? How are you married? So long? 0:01:20.996 --> 0:01:24.916 On what? I like him? He likes me. Yeah, he's cute. 0:01:24.916 --> 0:01:28.316 I like the way he smells. That is that's a 0:01:28.356 --> 0:01:33.916 big deal. That's why. Yeah good. Ted likes to play 0:01:33.956 --> 0:01:36.756 the rascal. But once we settled at their farm style 0:01:36.876 --> 0:01:39.956 kitchen table and began to talk, he was so honest 0:01:39.996 --> 0:01:42.756 and vulnerable. Well, the four of us here, I'm the 0:01:42.756 --> 0:01:46.436 only one who's only married once. Oh yes, I'm the 0:01:46.556 --> 0:01:50.076 third time being married. Well that maybe that's an interesting 0:01:50.116 --> 0:01:56.476 way to start, so great, because either you're a wild 0:01:56.556 --> 0:02:01.716 optimist or you're in total denial. I mean, I got 0:02:01.756 --> 0:02:06.556 married in college at Carnegie halfway through, and I think 0:02:06.556 --> 0:02:09.676 it's fair to say the real communication would have been 0:02:11.276 --> 0:02:13.676 I'm afraid to go to New York by myself, are you? 0:02:13.836 --> 0:02:17.596 Oh well, let's go share an apartment and be buddies. 0:02:18.316 --> 0:02:21.276 That would have been kind of the emotional truth. But 0:02:21.396 --> 0:02:26.396 somehow we ended up getting married and twenty two and 0:02:27.836 --> 0:02:32.556 married for five years. Good friends but certainly not you know, 0:02:33.356 --> 0:02:40.556 a marriage, and then got divorced and married again and 0:02:41.876 --> 0:02:46.756 had children, but still a huge level of unconsciousness on 0:02:46.796 --> 0:02:50.876 my part, and that lasted fifteen years. I mean, my 0:02:50.916 --> 0:02:54.076 life was incredibly messy, but underneath there was a lot 0:02:54.076 --> 0:02:58.076 of work going on where I was trying to stop 0:02:58.076 --> 0:03:02.716 being a liar and wake up and were lying about 0:03:03.556 --> 0:03:07.756 everything pretty much. It was not hugely faithful. I'll leave 0:03:07.796 --> 0:03:10.716 it at that. So I did all this work on myself. 0:03:11.516 --> 0:03:14.636 But by the time we met, I was convinced I 0:03:14.676 --> 0:03:19.116 was incapable of having a relationship that I wouldn't mess up. 0:03:19.716 --> 0:03:22.356 This was back in nineteen ninety four when both of 0:03:22.396 --> 0:03:25.276 them were cast in a film called pontiag Moon. And 0:03:25.436 --> 0:03:28.476 just like when I first met you, Ted was drawn 0:03:28.516 --> 0:03:32.956 to Mary immediately. And what was it about her? When 0:03:32.956 --> 0:03:36.676 you cast in apart together, you have an excuse to 0:03:36.716 --> 0:03:39.756 look at somebody in the eye, whereas otherwise I'm kind 0:03:39.756 --> 0:03:43.196 of shy. We're about to work together, so you you're 0:03:43.196 --> 0:03:45.556 supposed to know each other, so you share. And I 0:03:45.756 --> 0:03:48.716 was like, I said, a hot mess, and so I 0:03:48.756 --> 0:03:51.516 shared my life with her on that first night, and 0:03:51.596 --> 0:03:54.236 it was very clear nothing was possibly going to happen 0:03:54.636 --> 0:03:58.436 because how nutty I was and Mary wasn't looking to 0:03:58.476 --> 0:04:01.836 be in a relationship. So it really started off friends 0:04:01.956 --> 0:04:07.716 until halfway through the production we took a canoe ride. 0:04:09.156 --> 0:04:12.236 Jump in here. I don't want to do a monologue, okay, 0:04:12.396 --> 0:04:16.196 all right, So we were playing this kind of nineteen 0:04:16.356 --> 0:04:20.716 sixties kind of It was a very strange film. But 0:04:21.956 --> 0:04:24.436 we're not going to have a relationship Mary and I 0:04:24.676 --> 0:04:28.716 because that's clear. But we should do something fun and 0:04:28.796 --> 0:04:31.436 kind of old fashioned romantic, because that's kind of what 0:04:31.476 --> 0:04:34.036 the film was like. By then, I knew that. When 0:04:34.036 --> 0:04:36.196 I showed up at lunch and somebody else was sitting 0:04:36.236 --> 0:04:38.796 next to Mary, the part of me was like a 0:04:38.876 --> 0:04:41.636 little grumpy that I hadn't got there in time to 0:04:41.676 --> 0:04:43.996 sit next door. But then we took the canoe ride 0:04:43.996 --> 0:04:48.036 and it was this big title river called the Mendocino River, 0:04:47.516 --> 0:04:51.156 big river, and we got into a canoe that had 0:04:51.196 --> 0:04:55.196 an outrigger. It was just a beautiful canoe and there 0:04:55.236 --> 0:04:57.236 was a group of three or four other people going 0:04:57.316 --> 0:05:01.156 up and we outdistanced them quickly and we just kept 0:05:01.236 --> 0:05:06.236 going around the next bend. It was always Merry in 0:05:06.276 --> 0:05:10.876 the front to me in the back, effortlessly paddling, which 0:05:10.956 --> 0:05:13.036 is you learn a lot, I think in a canoe. 0:05:13.356 --> 0:05:16.116 And there was very little conversation except when it was 0:05:16.236 --> 0:05:23.036 right sea Otter's Blue herons. Yeah, it was just it 0:05:23.076 --> 0:05:28.156 was just magically beautiful and totally in sync and peaceful 0:05:28.356 --> 0:05:30.996 and at ease. And I think on the way down 0:05:31.036 --> 0:05:33.356 we stopped to have a little bite on the corner 0:05:33.356 --> 0:05:36.396 of the side of the river and but you kept 0:05:36.436 --> 0:05:40.116 wanting to turn around. Oh. That was kind of a 0:05:40.156 --> 0:05:42.596 for our wedding. That part of our bows was a 0:05:42.596 --> 0:05:46.796 poem about that canoe ride. It was really kind of 0:05:46.836 --> 0:05:51.316 like a charter for our marriage about look, you know, 0:05:51.436 --> 0:05:54.516 finding the truth in each other's eyes. And but Mary 0:05:54.876 --> 0:05:57.396 has in our entire life been the person that goes, oh, 0:05:57.476 --> 0:06:00.636 let's let's go around the next band to come out, 0:06:00.756 --> 0:06:04.156 let's let's do this. I'm usually the one going, oh, 0:06:04.196 --> 0:06:06.796 I don't you know, I think we should. We're fine, 0:06:06.836 --> 0:06:10.196 we should. And she's always the one that gets me 0:06:10.276 --> 0:06:12.556 to go around the next kind of curve in life 0:06:12.756 --> 0:06:17.996 and yeah, yeah, no, it is. Hey, we're maddling love. 0:06:18.116 --> 0:06:23.996 I am um feel so blessed on every level, from 0:06:23.996 --> 0:06:27.196 as deeply spiritual as you can get to to the 0:06:27.556 --> 0:06:32.516 more shallow and whatever. M we really do celebrate how 0:06:32.596 --> 0:06:34.956 lucky we are a lot. Were you a little scared? 0:06:36.316 --> 0:06:40.916 I got scared? You did. We had one moment We're 0:06:40.956 --> 0:06:45.796 got really scared because we lived very differently. I lived 0:06:45.836 --> 0:06:51.316 in an old farmhouse in Ohio and had a very 0:06:51.356 --> 0:06:56.156 small life except I would go off and occasionally do 0:06:56.276 --> 0:06:58.516 a movie. But I couldn't even do that very often 0:06:58.596 --> 0:07:02.836 because I was a single parent and I didn't want 0:07:02.836 --> 0:07:06.876 to leave my kids, you know. And I've always been 0:07:07.116 --> 0:07:11.796 a little shy of being out there being talked about 0:07:13.356 --> 0:07:16.036 I don't need that. I love being an actor, but 0:07:16.116 --> 0:07:19.396 I didn't do it because I need to be the 0:07:19.436 --> 0:07:22.636 person in front of the flashbulbs. I like being in 0:07:22.676 --> 0:07:25.756 front of the camera, but I don't like my life 0:07:25.796 --> 0:07:29.876 being out there and his was all out there and 0:07:29.956 --> 0:07:33.316 so but because I was being messy, yeah, but it 0:07:33.516 --> 0:07:37.236 scared me. It scared me. And I was just scared 0:07:37.236 --> 0:07:39.836 because I'm so protective of my children as a mother, 0:07:40.156 --> 0:07:43.396 Like what, I don't want to make a bad choice, 0:07:43.476 --> 0:07:47.836 and so it was scary, you know. But here's what 0:07:47.956 --> 0:07:53.076 I found. I found this weird thing that you can 0:07:53.236 --> 0:07:56.356 go Your brain can say no, no, no, I can't 0:07:56.356 --> 0:07:58.876 do this, no, no, no, this is I need to 0:07:58.876 --> 0:08:02.756 walk away from this, and your brain can say whatever 0:08:02.836 --> 0:08:07.196 it says. But it's I found. And this is not 0:08:07.276 --> 0:08:11.556 an intentional pun. But my soul was in my feet. 0:08:12.396 --> 0:08:19.596 My feet, sometimes very hesitantly, sometimes more surely, walked toward him, 0:08:20.436 --> 0:08:24.516 and no matter what my head was doing, that's what 0:08:25.156 --> 0:08:28.356 I found myself doing. And so it was like, I 0:08:28.356 --> 0:08:31.916 can only assume that was the voice of my soul 0:08:32.036 --> 0:08:37.316 because my brain, my brain was not that simple, you know. 0:08:37.716 --> 0:08:40.396 My brain was like, well, especially a guy who had 0:08:40.396 --> 0:08:43.956 been married twice. Yeah, you would think, well, is he 0:08:44.036 --> 0:08:46.636 going to be able to do this? Yeah? I will. Also, 0:08:46.756 --> 0:08:50.196 I had told myself because I had just ended a 0:08:50.276 --> 0:08:54.316 relationship right before I met him, and it was really 0:08:54.356 --> 0:08:58.076 not a good relationship at all, and we were both 0:09:00.036 --> 0:09:04.116 very much not right for each other. And and I 0:09:04.156 --> 0:09:08.316 had just told all of my friends, guess what, I'm 0:09:08.396 --> 0:09:12.836 not relationships, and I look like I would be, but 0:09:12.956 --> 0:09:16.956 in fact I'm not, and I'm I'm done. I have 0:09:16.996 --> 0:09:20.076 two beautiful children. I'm done. I'm not putting myself through 0:09:20.076 --> 0:09:25.036 this anymore. And then I met him. I was smitten. 0:09:25.076 --> 0:09:29.036 I was smitten without because my life was so complicated, 0:09:29.596 --> 0:09:33.156 I didn't think to do something about that, but I 0:09:33.196 --> 0:09:35.796 couldn't wait to be around her, literally everybody. I don't 0:09:35.876 --> 0:09:38.876 know if I felt that right away. It was such 0:09:38.916 --> 0:09:42.036 a crazy time for me, and everything for me got 0:09:42.076 --> 0:09:46.236 filtered through my two kids. So were they at this time? 0:09:46.396 --> 0:09:52.116 They were ten and twelve. Yeah that's young. And then 0:09:52.276 --> 0:09:58.796 I just started noticing whenever we were all as a 0:09:58.916 --> 0:10:03.036 cask going out to dinner or doing something when he 0:10:03.116 --> 0:10:07.796 wasn't there. It was like, oh, okay, a little disappointed, 0:10:08.196 --> 0:10:12.396 So it's snug up on me and it just kept 0:10:12.436 --> 0:10:17.276 being becoming more and more and more undeniable that I 0:10:17.356 --> 0:10:20.836 wanted to be around him. And also just the more 0:10:20.876 --> 0:10:25.916 I got to know him, the more I saw in 0:10:25.996 --> 0:10:30.356 spite of everything that was going on, I saw what 0:10:30.476 --> 0:10:34.596 a fine human being this is, you know, and and 0:10:34.836 --> 0:10:38.156 so different than I thought because I had an image 0:10:38.156 --> 0:10:41.716 of him that, even though it's stupid, I sort of 0:10:41.756 --> 0:10:45.396 bought into Sam Malone, even though I should know better. 0:10:45.476 --> 0:10:48.996 I'm an actor. But that was a long time that show, 0:10:49.156 --> 0:10:52.436 and I was a big fan of this show, and 0:10:53.276 --> 0:10:58.636 I started to think, oh, he's probably super slick guy, 0:10:58.996 --> 0:11:06.556 you know. And my joke is that I was wrong, 0:11:06.796 --> 0:11:14.636 because slick guys don't say gosha room after making love. That'slious. 0:11:15.116 --> 0:11:19.556 But but I mean Ted was raised with the Hopie 0:11:19.636 --> 0:11:27.836 Navajo people and ranchers kids outside of Flagstaff, Arizona. Spent 0:11:27.956 --> 0:11:32.516 his mornings riding bareback on a horse, you know, across 0:11:32.556 --> 0:11:36.116 the desert with his friend Raymond, who was Navajo or 0:11:36.156 --> 0:11:44.036 Hobi Hopie, and that he had the most exotic American childhood. 0:11:44.156 --> 0:11:49.156 And once I started meeting his family and seeing like 0:11:49.916 --> 0:11:54.156 all the pieces that made up this person, it was like, Wow, 0:11:54.756 --> 0:11:58.316 he's so not who I thought he was not at all. 0:11:58.996 --> 0:12:02.756 And I mean for me, his tenderness towards my children 0:12:02.756 --> 0:12:07.316 and now our grandchildren would be a reason alone to 0:12:07.516 --> 0:12:10.596 love him. Yeah, did you make an accommodation that you 0:12:10.596 --> 0:12:14.516 could talk about to accommodate the My changes came before 0:12:14.556 --> 0:12:18.596 I met Mary. I mean, I had a mentor who 0:12:19.476 --> 0:12:21.956 walked me through a lot of my stuff that I 0:12:21.996 --> 0:12:24.676 was going through as soon as I had kind of 0:12:24.716 --> 0:12:29.116 woken up, the gift of my life was standing there. 0:12:29.796 --> 0:12:32.916 And but this habit you had of lying, let's say, right, 0:12:33.676 --> 0:12:37.356 did you notice yourself saying to yourself, I'm not going 0:12:37.436 --> 0:12:40.076 to do that here, I'm not gonna I do remember 0:12:40.076 --> 0:12:44.116 one moment where, early on before we were engaged, even 0:12:44.236 --> 0:12:50.596 that I started to do a version of push pull 0:12:50.876 --> 0:12:55.036 and I looked at Mary. It didn't register on her face. 0:12:55.476 --> 0:12:59.156 She didn't play that game. She didn't even nibble at 0:12:59.196 --> 0:13:02.036 whatever this little thing I was, you know, doing. So 0:13:02.116 --> 0:13:04.516 I was like, oh, because I don't have to do 0:13:04.556 --> 0:13:07.476 that anymore. You know, this person doesn't even know this 0:13:07.836 --> 0:13:10.956 stupid dance, right, I won't have to do that dance anymore. 0:13:12.196 --> 0:13:15.316 For me, I had a big accommodation to make. I 0:13:15.436 --> 0:13:18.356 was a single woman with no children, and I married 0:13:18.356 --> 0:13:22.476 a man who lived with four sons. Then I was 0:13:22.596 --> 0:13:26.516 very flattered because he would say to people, Marlo's the 0:13:26.516 --> 0:13:28.596 first person I've ever known that knows the difference between 0:13:28.596 --> 0:13:31.116 each of them and can talk to each of them differently. 0:13:31.556 --> 0:13:35.516 And I had good relationships with them all. There is 0:13:35.636 --> 0:13:38.276 no book that tells you how to do it. And 0:13:38.356 --> 0:13:41.876 the one thing I figured out right away for me 0:13:42.116 --> 0:13:44.836 that worked. I don't know if it works for everybody 0:13:45.196 --> 0:13:50.796 is they have a mom, it's not me. What do 0:13:50.876 --> 0:13:54.476 they need from me? Like what is safe and fair 0:13:54.676 --> 0:13:58.396 to give to do as far as being a stepparent, 0:13:58.956 --> 0:14:04.316 And then I thought, well, man, everybody needs a cheerleader. 0:14:04.796 --> 0:14:10.476 There's no Mary Potts. No, there is no amthe no no. 0:14:11.396 --> 0:14:15.196 Uh you know to get that, Yeah, and you just 0:14:15.276 --> 0:14:19.516 have to hope. Yeah, you know, you know, I mean, 0:14:19.516 --> 0:14:22.036 we've made a good lord. We're you know, we have 0:14:22.116 --> 0:14:26.716 bumps and ups and downs, and you know I all 0:14:26.756 --> 0:14:30.476 the time, but ninety percent of the time we want 0:14:30.476 --> 0:14:33.796 to have fun and be happy. But you know we'll 0:14:33.876 --> 0:14:35.996 do drama if we have to do a little bit. Well, 0:14:36.076 --> 0:14:38.756 our motto is the only drama we like. Is that 0:14:38.756 --> 0:14:42.236 that we're paid for. I look at Mary and go. 0:14:42.356 --> 0:14:45.036 We can be in the middle of an argument and 0:14:45.236 --> 0:14:49.076 I can trust, even with anger in the air, that 0:14:49.116 --> 0:14:52.356 if I look at my stuff, she will look at 0:14:52.356 --> 0:14:56.596 her stuff, or vice versa, that she is trustworthy to 0:14:56.756 --> 0:15:00.876 see her part in any situation. It feels a lot 0:15:00.916 --> 0:15:04.716 better to point over there and say you're wrong, and 0:15:04.796 --> 0:15:07.036 this is what you've done to me, and I'm a victim, 0:15:07.076 --> 0:15:12.156 and it feels so much better than to go, Okay, 0:15:14.156 --> 0:15:16.836 here's my hab. I'm going to own up to it. 0:15:16.916 --> 0:15:20.356 I mean, where's the fun in that? But the fact 0:15:20.396 --> 0:15:29.316 that you do it is magic. We'll have more After 0:15:29.356 --> 0:15:43.876 a quick break, we're back to our conversation with Ted 0:15:43.996 --> 0:15:49.156 Danson and Mary steam Ergin. They've been together nearly thirty years, 0:15:49.676 --> 0:15:52.956 so Marlowe wanted to know what happens when they hit 0:15:52.996 --> 0:15:55.596 a rough spot. You do have to have something in 0:15:55.636 --> 0:15:58.516 the bank to get you through those moments, and I 0:15:58.556 --> 0:16:00.836 do have trust that on the other end of this 0:16:00.996 --> 0:16:03.116 my wife. You know, if I walk away in the 0:16:03.116 --> 0:16:06.356 middle of a fight and go, there's a voice going, 0:16:06.396 --> 0:16:09.116 do you really think that your wife is not crazy? 0:16:09.116 --> 0:16:11.556 See about you and love you? And I have to 0:16:11.556 --> 0:16:14.796 go No, of course she does, you know, So there 0:16:15.196 --> 0:16:18.676 there's something good about having a history of getting through, 0:16:18.796 --> 0:16:22.556 a history of love, a history of knowing she loves you. 0:16:22.716 --> 0:16:28.516 But yeah, usually it's for me. It's about finally telling 0:16:28.556 --> 0:16:31.276 the truth that I don't want to tell, whether it's 0:16:31.316 --> 0:16:34.076 I'm angry, I'm angry irrational at you. And if I 0:16:34.156 --> 0:16:36.916 tell you I'm angry at this, then then how can 0:16:36.996 --> 0:16:40.156 we be? You know, I grew up with a mother 0:16:40.276 --> 0:16:46.956 who was unbelievable about the giving, the caring, the loving, 0:16:47.036 --> 0:16:50.436 the nurturing. You're in pain, let me you know. She 0:16:50.476 --> 0:16:53.596 could be with people dying, people came to her. But 0:16:53.676 --> 0:16:59.516 anything negative, a negative thought, a selfish, petty, angry thought, 0:17:00.276 --> 0:17:03.956 was intolerable. She would almost get sick, as you know, 0:17:04.036 --> 0:17:07.996 she'd have a cold, the flu. As opposed to dealing 0:17:08.036 --> 0:17:12.996 with her angers. You know, anything that was dealing with 0:17:13.076 --> 0:17:15.556 anger for you was hard huge still is you know 0:17:15.716 --> 0:17:19.116 or anything where I mean we just said, both of 0:17:19.196 --> 0:17:24.996 us for different, very different reasons. We both had come 0:17:25.716 --> 0:17:31.556 from families where there was it was it was fully loaded. 0:17:31.596 --> 0:17:37.396 That anger was scary, you know, both of us, And 0:17:36.876 --> 0:17:40.476 and that was one of the things before I met him, 0:17:40.516 --> 0:17:43.836 I recognized him myself. I realized it. I first went 0:17:43.876 --> 0:17:47.876 to therapy and the first thing I learned on day 0:17:47.916 --> 0:17:53.676 one was how how I had not been able to 0:17:53.756 --> 0:17:56.796 express anger, that there was no room for it, no 0:17:56.996 --> 0:18:00.196 place for it, that it was not appropriate in my life. 0:18:00.876 --> 0:18:04.756 And for real, yeah, I came from I didn't mean 0:18:04.796 --> 0:18:09.556 to interrupt you, no, no, I mean my dad was 0:18:09.556 --> 0:18:13.596 a freight train conductor and I grew up in Arkansas, 0:18:14.396 --> 0:18:17.956 and that would have been a nice, little middle class 0:18:19.556 --> 0:18:23.516 family except that my dad, when I was eight years old, 0:18:23.756 --> 0:18:27.316 was diagnosed diagnosed with heart disease, and in those days, 0:18:30.116 --> 0:18:33.476 they they dealt with it in very weird ways. He 0:18:33.636 --> 0:18:36.996 was basically told, you can't work, you can't hunt, you 0:18:37.036 --> 0:18:39.996 can't fish, you can't drive, you can't make love to 0:18:40.036 --> 0:18:44.716 your wife, you can't They took everything you can eat, 0:18:44.956 --> 0:18:48.036 no problem with bacon, oh my god, you know. Like, 0:18:48.196 --> 0:18:51.596 and my dad was one of these people that would 0:18:51.636 --> 0:18:56.356 do exactly what his doctor told him, so, you know 0:18:56.676 --> 0:19:01.116 his basically they gave him not much reason to live, 0:19:01.396 --> 0:19:05.356 but that was supposed to keep him alive. And so 0:19:06.316 --> 0:19:11.156 when the doctor told us, I was there with my mother, 0:19:12.436 --> 0:19:17.196 and the doctors looked at us, and I remember him 0:19:17.196 --> 0:19:19.756 looking at me and saying, now you'd be a good girl. 0:19:19.916 --> 0:19:23.756 Now you know your daddy needs you to be a 0:19:23.756 --> 0:19:27.236 good girl and keep everything quiet and you know, and 0:19:27.396 --> 0:19:30.436 basically the eight year old went, I get it. I 0:19:30.476 --> 0:19:33.036 can't ignoise, I can't do anything wrong, I can't make 0:19:33.036 --> 0:19:35.516 a mistake, or my dad's going to die. Got it? 0:19:35.836 --> 0:19:38.196 Oh my god. And it was backed up with eight 0:19:38.236 --> 0:19:41.716 heart attack. And then my dad proceeded to have heart attack, 0:19:42.036 --> 0:19:44.996 a heart attack, and during that time he couldn't work. 0:19:45.156 --> 0:19:51.476 So we became, you know, we struggled. Yeah, and so 0:19:52.036 --> 0:19:58.316 uh so my mother became it was it was always 0:19:58.356 --> 0:20:00.516 looking at your dad to see if he's really one 0:20:00.596 --> 0:20:03.316 hundred percent of the time. That was my childhood. And 0:20:03.356 --> 0:20:06.036 then he would have a heart attack, like one was 0:20:06.116 --> 0:20:08.716 when I got to be one. You know that I 0:20:08.796 --> 0:20:11.876 knew what I had done to cause each one. So 0:20:12.436 --> 0:20:18.916 the good news about that story is that my world 0:20:18.996 --> 0:20:26.556 that was safe was books. Just by reading. Emotions were suppressed. Yeah, 0:20:26.596 --> 0:20:29.516 but not in books. In books, it was like and 0:20:29.676 --> 0:20:33.916 my favorite as a child, like my hero was Pippi Longstocking, 0:20:33.956 --> 0:20:38.996 who was like wild and redheaded and wore shoes too 0:20:38.996 --> 0:20:42.436 big for self, social gwiggler toes and you know, I 0:20:42.516 --> 0:20:45.916 loved all that because it was the opposite of what 0:20:46.596 --> 0:20:49.676 I was being. So when you got a hold of 0:20:49.756 --> 0:20:52.516 your anger when you went to all this therapy on 0:20:52.636 --> 0:20:56.316 day one of therapy, which was when I was twenty 0:20:56.316 --> 0:21:00.396 four years old, and this woman on day one goes, 0:21:00.516 --> 0:21:03.556 oh my god, well, no wonder you became an actress. 0:21:03.636 --> 0:21:06.356 Of course, that's your safe place, that's the way, you know. 0:21:07.156 --> 0:21:12.236 And so learning how to be a fully actualized human 0:21:12.316 --> 0:21:20.876 being that actually could experience things other than sweet Southern smiles, 0:21:21.356 --> 0:21:23.956 you know, that was a huge thing for me. And 0:21:24.116 --> 0:21:27.956 I think for a while I got angry too quickly. 0:21:29.236 --> 0:21:34.756 It's like a the switch was too It was maladjusted, 0:21:34.876 --> 0:21:37.196 all of them, you know. And part of what I've 0:21:37.196 --> 0:21:41.996 had to learn to do is just be centered with it. Well, 0:21:42.036 --> 0:21:44.636 let me do have a real fight. We have had 0:21:44.716 --> 0:21:50.636 some huntingers and I've accused him before a fight. I said, 0:21:50.676 --> 0:21:56.716 your ma, your main like a junkyard dog and um. 0:21:57.596 --> 0:22:02.236 But the truth is we both hate it. So if 0:22:02.236 --> 0:22:06.556 you had to say, what's the foundation that makes a 0:22:06.636 --> 0:22:11.276 marriage last other than love, I would say truth and laughter. Yeah, 0:22:11.316 --> 0:22:14.756 honestly those two things for us. And the hard work 0:22:14.836 --> 0:22:18.396 part is tell the truth. Yeah, because that's that's that's 0:22:18.476 --> 0:22:24.076 uncomfortable at times. Yeah. What what when is it uncomfortable 0:22:24.116 --> 0:22:26.916 to tell the truth when it's not going to feel 0:22:26.916 --> 0:22:28.596 good to the other person, or when it's going to 0:22:28.676 --> 0:22:31.836 make you look bad, or when you've done something that 0:22:31.956 --> 0:22:35.916 you you know, I'm going to have to tell Mary. Shoot, 0:22:36.356 --> 0:22:38.556 you know, because now I can't ride in on my 0:22:38.596 --> 0:22:41.436 white horse and be wonderful and noble. I'm an asshole 0:22:41.916 --> 0:22:44.116 and I just proved it. Now I'm gonna have to 0:22:44.116 --> 0:22:45.996 share this with me. Why do you have to share 0:22:45.996 --> 0:22:52.716 it with Mary because otherwise I well, the because we 0:22:52.836 --> 0:22:56.156 kind of have an agreement unspoken or spoken agreement to 0:22:56.716 --> 0:22:59.996 share it, to not have secrets. So it's not that 0:23:00.796 --> 0:23:03.836 I need to share it to get blessing or permission 0:23:03.916 --> 0:23:05.676 or something. I need to share it so I don't 0:23:05.676 --> 0:23:09.516 have this little inside of me people, And I think 0:23:09.556 --> 0:23:13.716 these are really ruicy secrets. Whatever it is. Now, I know, 0:23:13.916 --> 0:23:17.836 did you have secrets in the beginning? No? No, I 0:23:17.876 --> 0:23:20.636 think that's what was unique about the relationship for each 0:23:20.676 --> 0:23:23.996 of us. I'd never not had secrets. I'd been full 0:23:23.996 --> 0:23:28.396 of secrets, But for us, I think we had both 0:23:29.076 --> 0:23:32.396 kind of had enough of secrets. You know, we had 0:23:32.436 --> 0:23:38.356 both lived that way and it had caused us to 0:23:38.396 --> 0:23:42.636 feel alone in life. You know, he knows my warts. 0:23:42.796 --> 0:23:47.116 He knows exactly how smart or not smart, or kind 0:23:47.196 --> 0:23:51.116 or not kind, or how impatient a person I am. 0:23:51.356 --> 0:23:54.636 He knows all that. Sometimes it's not that there's a 0:23:54.716 --> 0:23:58.036 secret between you, that there's a sadness that you haven't 0:23:58.116 --> 0:24:01.356 looked at inside of yourself that you you know, hey, 0:24:01.396 --> 0:24:05.476 i'm getting older. This I'm feeling sad about getting older, 0:24:05.716 --> 0:24:08.556 and I'm embarrassed to tell you that I'm dead. All 0:24:08.596 --> 0:24:11.876 that's good, all those things from But I think also 0:24:12.076 --> 0:24:15.076 and no, two people would be more perfect to say this, 0:24:15.236 --> 0:24:22.396 dude than you two as famous people, the world either 0:24:22.756 --> 0:24:28.036 criticizes a romanticize issue. There's not it's rare or doable. Yeah, 0:24:28.196 --> 0:24:33.316 it's rare that they would just like your realness and 0:24:33.436 --> 0:24:37.196 here you are very imperfect person. That's if I had 0:24:37.236 --> 0:24:40.316 to say, the thing we're most protective of in life, 0:24:40.636 --> 0:24:43.596 it's that we keep it real. So that and and 0:24:43.836 --> 0:24:47.396 I and I, you know, you also recognize in people. 0:24:47.876 --> 0:24:50.236 For me, it's like my mother had a lot of things. 0:24:50.276 --> 0:24:53.116 It was complicated, but there were so many wonderful things 0:24:53.116 --> 0:24:56.236 about her that I see and marry. You know, there's 0:24:56.276 --> 0:25:02.116 a deep kindness and caring, you know, about people. I 0:25:02.156 --> 0:25:05.396 don't think I could be with somebody who didn't feel 0:25:05.436 --> 0:25:10.156 that way. We had a divine intervention and here we are. 0:25:10.396 --> 0:25:14.356 But but but it's also but these are little pigs along 0:25:14.396 --> 0:25:18.636 the way that you've said that it's it's it feels 0:25:18.636 --> 0:25:21.756 like magic, but it isn't, because there are these things 0:25:21.796 --> 0:25:25.836 that you count on each other for. I completely count 0:25:26.396 --> 0:25:28.596 on Phil. And I'm not what one would call a 0:25:28.716 --> 0:25:34.276 needy little person, but I need something from him, many things. 0:25:34.276 --> 0:25:36.916 But one of the things that I need is when 0:25:36.956 --> 0:25:41.036 I'm when I go down, when I get blue about 0:25:41.076 --> 0:25:43.236 all of these things, you know, out of work, i'm 0:25:43.276 --> 0:25:45.756 getting older, whatever it is that I choose to be 0:25:45.796 --> 0:25:52.356 blue about that day, only Phil can can bring me back. 0:25:53.116 --> 0:25:55.716 And I'm from Hollywood, so I know a bullshitter when 0:25:55.716 --> 0:25:58.436 I see one, you know, what he says to me, 0:25:59.156 --> 0:26:03.716 you know, it's just it's immediately I respond to it, 0:26:03.996 --> 0:26:08.076 you know, and I come back. He waters my plant, 0:26:08.676 --> 0:26:12.236 you know, and I come back, you know, so and 0:26:12.356 --> 0:26:18.956 I count on it. Gratitude is huge for me, you know. Yeah, 0:26:19.036 --> 0:26:23.116 it's okay to be wanting more and different bees, be 0:26:23.276 --> 0:26:27.796 grateful and celebrate. You know. The first thing I wrote 0:26:27.796 --> 0:26:31.396 in an autobiography I wrote in nineteen seventy eight. The 0:26:31.556 --> 0:26:35.916 first line is if I could start over as a parent, 0:26:36.236 --> 0:26:39.916 and I wish I could. When my children please me, 0:26:40.956 --> 0:26:44.276 I would tell them it's tough because when you how 0:26:44.316 --> 0:26:46.796 old were you? When? At what age are you talking about? 0:26:46.836 --> 0:26:48.836 For yourself? When you didn't when you all of a 0:26:48.916 --> 0:26:55.636 sudden had four sons by your son twenty seven? Wow, 0:26:56.236 --> 0:26:59.356 smack dab into Can I carve out a place in 0:26:59.356 --> 0:27:02.756 the world? Can I do this? So you're so forward looking? 0:27:03.316 --> 0:27:06.316 It's also in a show every day, But parenting is 0:27:06.356 --> 0:27:11.276 a lousy job for a perfectionists or to even have 0:27:11.836 --> 0:27:17.796 satisfaction because it's just everybody's doing the best they can. 0:27:18.236 --> 0:27:23.276 You know, Can I add one thing and no be 0:27:23.396 --> 0:27:30.076 quiet ed? Um? I My my form of seduction early 0:27:30.156 --> 0:27:35.156 in life was to find the person's gaping hole in 0:27:35.236 --> 0:27:39.276 their personality or their being and then fill it and 0:27:39.316 --> 0:27:43.076