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Speaker 1: hired fast. Visit career builder dot com. A quick warning

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Speaker 1: before we begin. Today's episode contains a discussion of addiction

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Speaker 1: and suicidal ideations, so please take care in listening. Last thing, um,

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Speaker 1: just briefly, it's four so um the drug that she

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Speaker 1: was taking. You mentioned it. This is one of the

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Speaker 1: first conversations I had with my producer, Austin. I'm about

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Speaker 1: to tell him about one of the most pivotal moments

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Speaker 1: in my life with my mom. I was nineteen and

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Speaker 1: she was in a really bad way, the most down

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Speaker 1: the rabbit hole of drinking. I thought it was just

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Speaker 1: drinking at that point. It was very, very very dark.

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Speaker 1: My whole upbringing. My mom would have these gnarly outbursts.

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Speaker 1: But I had always thought she just couldn't handle alcohol.

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Speaker 1: She would have one glass of wine and fly off

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Speaker 1: the handle. So one day my mom, for the first

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Speaker 1: time in many years, left town and I was there

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Speaker 1: with this friend of mine. Uh. We decided to clean

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Speaker 1: and we were cleaning, and I lifted up her mattress

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Speaker 1: of all cliche things, and there was a pillbottle under

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Speaker 1: her mattress. I remember time kind of slowing down and

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Speaker 1: being like aware, just kind of kinetically aware that I

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Speaker 1: had stumbled upon something that was going to change the

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Speaker 1: course of my life. And it said it was a

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Speaker 1: prescription for a drug called the oxen. And I went

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Speaker 1: and I searched what is the oxen? And it basically

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Speaker 1: said that it was a emphetamine, and it said, uh,

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Speaker 1: should never be mixed with alcohol because it produces psychotic behavior.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, cool, Okay, you know she's

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Speaker 1: on speed. That's what this has been. And it's really

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Speaker 1: hard to explain the sensation. It's it's like the butterfly

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Speaker 1: emerging from the cocoon. These moments in your life when

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Speaker 1: you're forced out of childhood into adulthood, all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: I had grown up thinking that my mom was crazy,

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Speaker 1: and there's a loneliness that's inherent to that, and isolation

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Speaker 1: and terror and pain. And in that moment, I realized,

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Speaker 1: it's not because she's fucking crazy, it's because she's been

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Speaker 1: on this drug, and it shifted everything. My dad told

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Speaker 1: me that the Saxon had been billy a drug. So

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Speaker 1: I then started digging into Billy, trying to understand the

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Speaker 1: house of grief that I was born into. Today on

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Speaker 1: the show My Life with my Mom, how it fell

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Speaker 1: apart and came back together again from Crimetown, I'm io

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Speaker 1: till it right, And this is the ballad of Billy ball.

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Speaker 1: If somebody who you thought was your life partner, your protector,

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Speaker 1: you're like soulmate, is viciously murdered, your grief is of

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Speaker 1: a different nature. It's ray jing grief. It's like slaughter.

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Speaker 1: Everybody grief. I grew up entirely at the mercy of

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Speaker 1: somebody else's moods, who was simultaneously my greatest protector and

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Speaker 1: my greatest antagonist. I'm a little worried that we're going

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Speaker 1: into family. Should I not worry about this because it's

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Speaker 1: your show? But I mean, this is very difficult, very

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Speaker 1: complex stuff. Chapter ten, something bigger than me. Why don't

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Speaker 1: we just start? Tell me who you are. So my

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Speaker 1: name is Cora, and we grew up together. I mean

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Speaker 1: we really grew up together. Core's five years older than

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Speaker 1: I am, and her dad and my dad were best friends,

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Speaker 1: So we spent a lot of time together as kids.

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Speaker 1: You were so um, spunky and scrappy and fiercely intelligent.

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Speaker 1: But you were also like physically small and and and

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Speaker 1: wispy and beautiful and delicate. You know, you were immediately

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Speaker 1: my sibling. Yeah, I was really special. I mean we

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Speaker 1: spent a lot of time together, listening to music and

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Speaker 1: bullshitting all day long, and eating snacks because we were

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Speaker 1: always hungry, and walking around in the summer and getting

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Speaker 1: ices and just being around the city. You know, it

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Speaker 1: was not a place for children. I mean it was

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Speaker 1: an adult world. There were parties all the time. There

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Speaker 1: were shooting galleries where people would go cop drugs, shoot up.

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Speaker 1: I have a memory of being six years old and

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Speaker 1: walking to your father's house with my dad and on

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Speaker 1: the way stopping in a building because you know, he

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Speaker 1: just had to make a quick stop. You know, there

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Speaker 1: was a lot of poverty, and there was a lot

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Speaker 1: of drugs. So I kind of inherently had these feelings

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Speaker 1: of and wanting to just protect you a lot because

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Speaker 1: I sensed that there was danger. And I remember, you know,

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Speaker 1: sleeping over at your house for example. And you know, Rebecca,

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Speaker 1: your mom had a boyfriend, Bernardo, for a long time,

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Speaker 1: you know, and it was a small apartment and I remember,

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Speaker 1: you know, I remember them having sex in the middle

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Speaker 1: of the night. It's not that, you know, sex is

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Speaker 1: so indecent or whatever, but there was something like really

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Speaker 1: primal going on and there was no privacy, and it

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Speaker 1: just was not okay. It kind of just like held you.

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Speaker 1: We were like lying in the bed and I just

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Speaker 1: pretended I was sleeping, and you kind of woke up

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Speaker 1: for a second and looked at me, and I just

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Speaker 1: was like, it's okay, and I just kind of held you.

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Speaker 1: I didn't feel like you were in a safe environment.

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Speaker 1: And I never questioned that you were loved. Your parents

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Speaker 1: love you extremely, but I felt that your mom was

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Speaker 1: really going through some ship on a soul level. That's

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Speaker 1: something had happened that had shifted her consciousness. Did you

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Speaker 1: ever hear anything about Billy. I don't remember hearing about

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Speaker 1: Billy It's okay. If not, I don't remember. She's also

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Speaker 1: very cagy. I don't know what was your understanding then

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Speaker 1: of what was going on with her. She's just your

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Speaker 1: mom is wild, you know, your mom is wild. And

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Speaker 1: I felt like the poverty did not help, you know,

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Speaker 1: being super broke all the time and taking care of

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Speaker 1: a kid. It's it's traumatic, you know, but there was

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Speaker 1: there was always a sense of IO can totally take

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Speaker 1: care of IO. You were scheming and like hustling. Always.

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Speaker 1: You were like figuring out the way to get what

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Speaker 1: you needed or wanted that your parents couldn't provide. You know,

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Speaker 1: most kids can't go home and or do homework or whatever.

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Speaker 1: And I'd be like, okay, how do I get quarters.

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Speaker 1: I'm showing Austin my go to hustle spot in front

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Speaker 1: of a McDonald's on Broadway, and this McDonald's right here

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Speaker 1: was like my like north Star. If I could get

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Speaker 1: enough money to get a happy meal, I was like,

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Speaker 1: it was a good day. How would you get money?

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Speaker 1: I made like ghosts out of tissues and sold them,

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Speaker 1: and ghosts like Halloween ghosts, like you bawl up a

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Speaker 1: tissue and then you take another tissue and you put

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Speaker 1: it over the top, and then you put like a

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Speaker 1: rubber band for the neck, and then you draw a

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Speaker 1: little face on it. And I would walk around and

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Speaker 1: sell those. I was a cute little kid, being like,

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Speaker 1: you know, give me a dollar, and people be like, damn,

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Speaker 1: a dollar would be like two dollars, and like damn,

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Speaker 1: people would buy my like weird dumb ship. I look

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Speaker 1: at the world as like a Rubik's cube, where I'm like,

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Speaker 1: all right, so I'm nine, I can't get a job.

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Speaker 1: I've got seventy five cents. I need to make it

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Speaker 1: to tomorrow, and I need to eat. Okay, So when

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Speaker 1: this piece goes there and that piece goes there, and

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Speaker 1: I know I can call it this person for that

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Speaker 1: and maybe I can eat the scraps over there, It's

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Speaker 1: just like a riddle. You know. On the one hand,

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Speaker 1: she was really rough, and on the other hand, I

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Speaker 1: got this sense that, like anything that I came up

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Speaker 1: with was a valid Your parents and my parents as well,

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Speaker 1: you know, never questioned our creativity, are intelligence or self sufficiency.

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Speaker 1: You would come to school in army fatigues, and you

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Speaker 1: were so adamantly and clearly, very very sure that you

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Speaker 1: were a boy. You were a boy. You presented as

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Speaker 1: a boy. There was no distinguishing feature that would mark

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Speaker 1: you or gender you as a girl. You were very

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Speaker 1: clear in your communication that I am a boy, period,

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Speaker 1: full stop, and don't fucking ask me. And your dad

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Speaker 1: in particular, was just like, yeah, that's yo. You know,

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Speaker 1: Iowa was io. You declared it to me. It wasn't

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Speaker 1: like I had to You just declared it to me.

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Speaker 1: You said, I'm a boy. I told this to my

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Speaker 1: dad when I was really little. You know, we were

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Speaker 1: just walking through Central Park and you went to join

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Speaker 1: some kids to play baseball, and they said you couldn't

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Speaker 1: play because you were a girl. And you marched up

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Speaker 1: to me and said, from now on, dad, I'm a boy.

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Speaker 1: I'm your son. You will refer to me as he,

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Speaker 1: and that's it. Do you understand? And I just accepted it.

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Speaker 1: So I went home and I said, hey, Rebecca, I says,

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Speaker 1: I says, she's a boy. Rebecca's like great, fine. She

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Speaker 1: gave things that were totally above and beyond, like accepting

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Speaker 1: me for who I was. Right. She fostered my imagination

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Speaker 1: and she like read to me a ton and like

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Speaker 1: there was always books and music and always always always

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Speaker 1: music and dance and culture and like fostering my imagination.

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Speaker 1: Around this time, my dad left for Europe, he says,

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Speaker 1: to try to get clean, leaving me alone with my mom.

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Speaker 1: I think the thing is my mom didn't realize that

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Speaker 1: she was an unsafe place for me. She applied the

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Speaker 1: same like dieting standards to me that she applied to herself.

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Speaker 1: And she applied the same professional expectations of me as

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Speaker 1: an eight year old as she did of herself as

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Speaker 1: a thirty eight year old. You know, but thinking back

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Speaker 1: when she was with Billy, it seems like they lived

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Speaker 1: that way too, you know, like that was accepted back then,

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Speaker 1: and as the world changed around her, she stayed the same.

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Speaker 1: There was definitely like a disconnect for her about like

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Speaker 1: what a child needs. So we're down here. This is

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Speaker 1: like this is the City Hall area, very kind of

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Speaker 1: epic architecture. I took Austin downtown to a place where

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Speaker 1: I made a drastic move to change my life. Is

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Speaker 1: this the way? Oh? This is it is? Yeah, this

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Speaker 1: is the building. I'll never forget these columns ever, So

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Speaker 1: the New York County Family Court. It all started when

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Speaker 1: I arrived at a new school for seventh grade, and

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Speaker 1: I had huge dark bag circles under my eyes and

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Speaker 1: I was really really pale and really really skinny. And

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Speaker 1: at that school they had an actual gym that was

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Speaker 1: gender segregated, and so the first gym class, they sent

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Speaker 1: me down and we're like, okay, go change in the

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Speaker 1: locker rooms. And I was like, like, I can't go

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Speaker 1: in the girls. I can't go in the boys, like

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Speaker 1: and I had this gender meltdown, and they were just

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Speaker 1: like okay, Like you need to talk to the school psychologist,

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Speaker 1: like what's going on. He asked me what my home

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Speaker 1: life was like. I was like, uh, because I was

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Speaker 1: not supposed to talk to people of authority because my

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Speaker 1: mom's love of her life had been killed by the police.

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Speaker 1: Authority was bad. And I told her. I told her

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Speaker 1: that our fridge had no food in it, which barely

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Speaker 1: mattered because the power was off half the time. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: I told her that I stole most of my meals,

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Speaker 1: but I didn't go to doctors. I didn't sleep enough,

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Speaker 1: and my mom and I would scream at each other

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Speaker 1: like banshees. I told her that I was hungry and

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Speaker 1: scared and that I hated my life. So one day,

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Speaker 1: this woman shows up at my school the middle of

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Speaker 1: the day and this woman is standing in the hall

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Speaker 1: and she's like are you I I'm like yeah, and

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Speaker 1: she was like Hi, I'm so and so I'm your

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Speaker 1: social worker and I'm here to take you away. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, I need to call my mom and

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Speaker 1: she's like, you're not allowed to. And I was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't give a funk, like I'm calling my mom,

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Speaker 1: like I will fight you physically. You don't want that scene.

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Speaker 1: Just let me call my mother and tell her what's happening,

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Speaker 1: because I'm not doing that to her where I'm just

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Speaker 1: gonna vanish off the face of the earth. My mom

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Speaker 1: was like, don't go with anybody. Don't go with anybody.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna kill your guidance counselor. So I was like,

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Speaker 1: it wasn't her, it was me, And I'm okay, and

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna be in touch with you when I can.

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Speaker 1: I gotta go. So I left, I got my coat,

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Speaker 1: went and got outside, went outside and got in a

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Speaker 1: van with this woman and they drove us right down

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Speaker 1: here the New York City Family Court Building and they

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Speaker 1: took me upstairs and we went into an office and

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Speaker 1: they basically were like, all right, well here it is

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Speaker 1: like this is the moment. You now get to decide

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Speaker 1: what you want to do with your future. And I

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Speaker 1: was like, holy sh it, give me a minute. I

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Speaker 1: need to think about it. And I went this room

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Speaker 1: and they got me some French fries, and then my

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Speaker 1: mom showed up and started screaming in the next room

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Speaker 1: about how I was a liar. I had told them

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Speaker 1: that I hadn't really been to the dentist, and she

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Speaker 1: was like, I listed the dentist all the time, and

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Speaker 1: she's calling me she and I heard it through the wall,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, nah, fuck this, like my mom

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00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:07,680
Speaker 1: is calling me a liar. I'm not going home. I

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00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,440
Speaker 1: told them I wanted to live with my dad in Germany.

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Speaker 1: I just got a call from New York that you

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Speaker 1: were in the custody of the city and that you

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Speaker 1: had brought about your removal from the house. And I

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00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,120
Speaker 1: got the next plain to New York and then began

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Speaker 1: this long battle of me trying to win custody. And

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Speaker 1: I made the mistake in the first interview with your attorneys,

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Speaker 1: because the city assigned your attorneys of being a little

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Speaker 1: bit protective of Rebecca because they were trying to characterize

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Speaker 1: her as a kind of monster, and I was saying, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: Rebecca is not a monster. You don't understand. And I

255
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,120
Speaker 1: was just saying, Rebecca, can you just stop back off.

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Speaker 1: I wants to live with me. Let I live with me.

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Speaker 1: Stop fighting this, and then we don't have to go

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Speaker 1: through this whole court thing, and I can just you know,

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00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,639
Speaker 1: it's time to move on. Okay, Rebecca, You've come to

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Speaker 1: the end of your rope on this thing. You know,

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00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,560
Speaker 1: my lawyer said to me, if you speak to her again,

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Speaker 1: I'm no longer your lawyer. She is the opponent. We

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00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:18,040
Speaker 1: have to win. Don't be a pussy like that's how

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00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:22,600
Speaker 1: they talk. The custody battle lasted three months. The courtroom

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00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:25,600
Speaker 1: wasn't a place where my mom shined. It was very

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Speaker 1: sad for me to see Rebecca funk it up um

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Speaker 1: and come in with a black eye, come in with

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Speaker 1: a lawyer who was half an hour late and couldn't

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Speaker 1: get his tie straight, and and then say stupid things

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Speaker 1: like she has a vast knowledge of the human body,

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00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,040
Speaker 1: and that's why you didn't go to see the dentist.

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Speaker 1: When I watched her say these things, and the judge

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00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,639
Speaker 1: kept looking up at me like we were looking at

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Speaker 1: each other silently, going like, oh boy, you know, um

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Speaker 1: it was very painful. Actually, Rebecca defeated herself. Do you

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Speaker 1: remember the phone call when you called me to tell me.

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Speaker 1: I don't recall anything except we won and you were delighted.

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Speaker 1: I don't remember. I think your first words, where can

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Speaker 1: we go? My first question was as my mom monkay ah, right,

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Speaker 1: that's true. Yeah, of course you were very defensive of

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Speaker 1: your mom. You're from the very beginning you were worried

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Speaker 1: about her condition. You made the move to defend yourself,

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00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,840
Speaker 1: but you were very worried about it. Of course you were.

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Speaker 1: After it was over, during mandated welfare checks, I saw

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Speaker 1: my mom for the first time since she lost the case.

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Speaker 1: The first time we showed up, my mom showed up

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Speaker 1: with a big black eye. The second time we showed up,

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00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,440
Speaker 1: she showed up with like a bag of ice over

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00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,040
Speaker 1: her other eye and it was bleeding. When she said

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00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,440
Speaker 1: that her boyfriend had thrown a bell and it had

291
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,480
Speaker 1: accidentally skewered her eyeball, and just all this bullshit, you know,

292
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:59,000
Speaker 1: because she had a fucked up, monstrous boyfriend, and I

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00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,119
Speaker 1: know that I've like just destroyed her, and she's like

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00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:05,919
Speaker 1: bleeding from the eyes like some kind of biblical matriarch.

295
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,359
Speaker 1: And I was just like, I can't fucking handle this.

296
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Speaker 1: I think I came outside and threw up or something.

297
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,560
Speaker 1: She had to go to the hospital. She almost lost

298
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:19,240
Speaker 1: her eye. M just fucked up, fucked up things happened

299
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:35,600
Speaker 1: here after the break Germany. I lived in a beautiful,

300
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:41,920
Speaker 1: small university city in Germany called and you were plunged

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00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:46,560
Speaker 1: into a kind of better than normal circumstance, like a

302
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:53,520
Speaker 1: wonderful circumstance to which you were completely unaccustomed. I stepped

303
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,520
Speaker 1: off the plane in Germany and it was like the

304
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:59,040
Speaker 1: Twilight Zone. People got mad when you jay walked, and

305
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:02,840
Speaker 1: the error was chris so clear. Everybody thought I knew

306
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,720
Speaker 1: jay Z because I was from New York. And everybody

307
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:13,840
Speaker 1: was nice to each other. And I had a wonderful

308
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:19,480
Speaker 1: kind of nineteenth century apartment with many rooms and bedrooms

309
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,159
Speaker 1: and dining rooms and balcony. My dad lived with his

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00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,200
Speaker 1: girlfriend in a big apartment. I learned how to use

311
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,800
Speaker 1: a fork and knife. I had a computer and a

312
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:33,600
Speaker 1: full refrigerator, both powered by electricity, but I wasn't an

313
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:37,680
Speaker 1: easy kid. You actually just wanted me to be your

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00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:42,040
Speaker 1: dad and leave any other circumstance. And that was your

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00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,600
Speaker 1: declaration to me. You know, I didn't escape that fucking

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00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,680
Speaker 1: jail for you to have a girlfriend and a career

317
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,679
Speaker 1: and a life in the theater. I'm here, now, let's go.

318
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,639
Speaker 1: I was impossible. I had never had any dishes to wash,

319
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,840
Speaker 1: and I resented having to take out the trash. I

320
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,760
Speaker 1: hated having to share my dad, and I was coming

321
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,880
Speaker 1: to grips with something huge that I couldn't identify yet.

322
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,680
Speaker 1: When you hit puberty, you just announced made another announcement.

323
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,440
Speaker 1: You just kind of came to me and said, I'm

324
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,359
Speaker 1: going to be a girl now. I had never tried

325
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,119
Speaker 1: to be a girl before, and being in a safe

326
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,520
Speaker 1: environment made me long for acceptance and friends. So I

327
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,480
Speaker 1: thought I'd try it. I grew my hair out and

328
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:29,120
Speaker 1: got tighter jeans, but I had a real problem with authority.

329
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,200
Speaker 1: I got kicked out of two German schools and then

330
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:36,240
Speaker 1: a boarding school in England. You were a nightmare. You

331
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:42,760
Speaker 1: were determined to like burn the world down. I mean

332
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,760
Speaker 1: when you went away to boarding school in Europe. He

333
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,480
Speaker 1: went to this progressive this is my friend Cora again.

334
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,040
Speaker 1: And I was afraid that you were going to live

335
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,479
Speaker 1: in Europe for the rest of your life and I

336
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:54,440
Speaker 1: wasn't going to see you, um. But I didn't live

337
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,040
Speaker 1: in Europe for the rest of my life. When I

338
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,959
Speaker 1: was sixteen, I got kicked out of that boarding school

339
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,600
Speaker 1: and my dad's heroin addiction had escalated, so I had

340
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,800
Speaker 1: nowhere else to go but the place that I had

341
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:09,760
Speaker 1: fought so hard to escape, that New York City apartment

342
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,639
Speaker 1: with my mom. But I just remember there being a

343
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,399
Speaker 1: very sharp disconnect between the years that you were with

344
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:18,720
Speaker 1: seven the years that you were living with your mom. Um.

345
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:22,240
Speaker 1: And I remember one night this is so anecdotal, and

346
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,480
Speaker 1: again I wasn't there, so it's like third person bullshit,

347
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:29,960
Speaker 1: But your mom was in a state, and all I

348
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:35,800
Speaker 1: remember really from the story was that the ambulance was called,

349
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:41,320
Speaker 1: and I think she was having like a psychotic episode. Basically,

350
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:45,400
Speaker 1: there was a lot of concern. Maybe you can fill

351
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:49,240
Speaker 1: me in. Sure. It was the night before I was

352
00:22:49,359 --> 00:22:52,920
Speaker 1: taking my final exams graduate high school, so I was seventeen.

353
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:58,960
Speaker 1: It was also the night before my mom's birthday. She

354
00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:04,760
Speaker 1: came home really really really drunk and really upset that

355
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:08,040
Speaker 1: I hadn't taken her out for her birthday. That hadn't

356
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:17,760
Speaker 1: happened yet. She was obliterated and was saying that I

357
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,199
Speaker 1: was a horrible child because I hadn't done anything for

358
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,040
Speaker 1: her birthday. And I went in and I was like, Mom,

359
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:26,080
Speaker 1: your birthday tomorrow, would take out to dinner. And she

360
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:29,080
Speaker 1: was so upset and so convinced that I was a

361
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:34,000
Speaker 1: horrible spawn that she was started talking about getting on

362
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:35,800
Speaker 1: the six train and riding into the end of the

363
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:43,800
Speaker 1: line and getting out and walking. I was scared my

364
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,719
Speaker 1: mom was going to hurt herself. I didn't know what

365
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:53,000
Speaker 1: to do, so I called the cops. Then they showed

366
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,280
Speaker 1: up with an ambulance, and I was in my pajama

367
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,240
Speaker 1: pants and had no shoes on, and had nothing in

368
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,240
Speaker 1: my pockets about my cell phone and my keys. And

369
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,080
Speaker 1: they knocked on the door, and I just like freaked

370
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:05,200
Speaker 1: out because I was so I was like, I can't

371
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,280
Speaker 1: and I like I went downstairs to the second floor

372
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,080
Speaker 1: and stayed at the other end of the hall while

373
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:15,600
Speaker 1: they went in and effectively arrested her. And when they

374
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:18,000
Speaker 1: passed by me to take her into the ambulance, she

375
00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:23,119
Speaker 1: looked at me with this just betrayal and terror and fear,

376
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:28,040
Speaker 1: and was just like burning her eyes through me of like,

377
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:35,960
Speaker 1: how could you invite the police into our home? And

378
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,400
Speaker 1: I went to the officer and I was like, can

379
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:39,280
Speaker 1: I please just get in the ambulance with her for

380
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:42,000
Speaker 1: a second and explain to her that this is for

381
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:45,880
Speaker 1: her safety? And he was like sure. So I jumped

382
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:51,639
Speaker 1: in the ambulance and sat down and was like, mom,

383
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,760
Speaker 1: this happened because I don't want you to hurt yourself,

384
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:58,719
Speaker 1: and of course she just spewed violence at me and

385
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:04,440
Speaker 1: we immediately started f eating and the fucking e MT

386
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 1: sitting across from muscos are you inebriated? And I was

387
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:12,080
Speaker 1: like what, and she was like, your pupils are dilated.

388
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 1: Are you intoxicated? And I was like, my pupils are

389
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,760
Speaker 1: fucking dilated because it's four in the morning and I

390
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,240
Speaker 1: am terrified and my mother is strapped into an ambulance

391
00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:23,679
Speaker 1: right now. And she was like, that's it, you're intoxicated

392
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:27,720
Speaker 1: to your coming with us, lam traps me into the seat.

393
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,919
Speaker 1: I was in disbelief as they drove us to the

394
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:38,119
Speaker 1: hospital and then they locked us in separate rooms. Oh

395
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:45,639
Speaker 1: my god. I but then I made my escape. I

396
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:49,240
Speaker 1: basically convinced this like young guard dude to like let

397
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,760
Speaker 1: me use the bathroom down the hall And as I

398
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,440
Speaker 1: was going to the bathroom, I saw an exit sign

399
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 1: down the hallway and I just fucking ran and I

400
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:02,159
Speaker 1: took off in my socks, and like the sun was

401
00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,560
Speaker 1: starting to come up, and I ran all the way

402
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:13,800
Speaker 1: back to the apartment and I fell asleep. Then she

403
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:20,200
Speaker 1: came home, and she threw everything in the house at

404
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:22,760
Speaker 1: my door and tried to beat it down with my

405
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,800
Speaker 1: own baseball bat, tried to bust it down with the body.

406
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,119
Speaker 1: I don't know how that piece of ship in section

407
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:32,440
Speaker 1: eight housing door held up, but it did. And eventually

408
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 1: she passed out. I woke up that morning, you know whatever,

409
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:44,240
Speaker 1: an hour of tormented non sleep later, and I went

410
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:49,920
Speaker 1: to high school and somehow passed my exams. Goddamn, it's

411
00:26:49,960 --> 00:27:01,160
Speaker 1: a miracle. Huhm. I was a bad one. This went

412
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:05,560
Speaker 1: on for years. We fought brutally all the time. Eventually

413
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,400
Speaker 1: I found that bottle of desks and under her mattress.

414
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,920
Speaker 1: I was furious. I couldn't believe everything she'd put me through.

415
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,240
Speaker 1: Because she'd been high. I wanted nothing to do with her,

416
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:20,000
Speaker 1: and when I was twenty two, I moved out for

417
00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:27,760
Speaker 1: good and then I met Katie. Hi, Hi, I'm recording you.

418
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:37,960
Speaker 1: Oh my, how did we meet Katie? Well, I was

419
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:45,399
Speaker 1: really embodying my grungy coffee girl Harry armpitted lesbian self,

420
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:52,800
Speaker 1: and Um, one of our mutual friends introduced us. And

421
00:27:52,840 --> 00:28:00,639
Speaker 1: then you swooped up real stylish, like in your piel Mercedes.

422
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:04,520
Speaker 1: And we went to the Googgenheim because where I'd seen

423
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,920
Speaker 1: New Yorkers and at our first date non date, which

424
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:11,760
Speaker 1: was not a date but was definitely a date. Um,

425
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:17,520
Speaker 1: what happened at the Guggenheim, Well, they have individual bathroom

426
00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 1: stalls at the Guggenheim. Shout out to the Guggenheim for

427
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:26,080
Speaker 1: their romantic design. And I think you said, like, I

428
00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:28,400
Speaker 1: have to go to the bathroom, and UM, I said,

429
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:31,119
Speaker 1: I'm coming with you. And I walked into the bathroom

430
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:36,080
Speaker 1: with you, and I really hope you use this for

431
00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:40,080
Speaker 1: your podcast because this is really funny and I and

432
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,640
Speaker 1: I said I wish that I could straddle you right now,

433
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:47,400
Speaker 1: and he said, why can't you? And then I came

434
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:50,080
Speaker 1: over and straddled you, and we basically hooked up for

435
00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:52,120
Speaker 1: the first time in the Gugenheim bathroom with people like

436
00:28:52,200 --> 00:29:00,920
Speaker 1: pounding on the wall, M and Co. And then you

437
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,360
Speaker 1: invited me over your apartment in which you had just

438
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,479
Speaker 1: recently moved and had one box on the floor and

439
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:08,800
Speaker 1: we had our like first romantic dinner on a cardboard

440
00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:13,000
Speaker 1: box on the floor with no furniture. Katie and I

441
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:16,520
Speaker 1: were together for the next few years, and during that

442
00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:20,960
Speaker 1: time she got to know my mom. In terms of Rebecca,

443
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:27,480
Speaker 1: I mean, she's wild and she's I don't want to say,

444
00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 1: I'm not the most integrated, grounded person that you'll ever meet.

445
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 1: When your mom was either immersed in being intoxicated and

446
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:39,040
Speaker 1: consumed by her own depth of pain, there was no

447
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:43,560
Speaker 1: room for you, um, and that you were immersed in

448
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:49,320
Speaker 1: her pain, um involuntarily and without really comprehension of what

449
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,680
Speaker 1: was going on. What what is your understanding of where

450
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:57,440
Speaker 1: her pain came from? I mean, I think a lot

451
00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:01,000
Speaker 1: of it has to do with Billy Um, whom she

452
00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:04,959
Speaker 1: has always talked about a lot, this saga of losing

453
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:10,680
Speaker 1: the love of her life and the unresolved story and

454
00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:15,920
Speaker 1: history of that and living in the past and um

455
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,960
Speaker 1: that being an open wound. Katie and I broke up,

456
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,959
Speaker 1: and I started doing some pretty self destructive things of

457
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:27,000
Speaker 1: my own. I was a workaholic and drinking too much

458
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:31,000
Speaker 1: to try and manage the anxiety that was surfacing. I

459
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,320
Speaker 1: was insistent that I was not a victim and that

460
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 1: everything was fine, but inside I was a disaster. When

461
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:41,680
Speaker 1: I was twenty seven, I went to California for work

462
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 1: and the bottom fell out. You called me and we're like,

463
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,720
Speaker 1: I need your help. I need you to come here

464
00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:53,560
Speaker 1: right away. It was urgent, everything called very urgent um

465
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:55,960
Speaker 1: and I got on a plane as quick as I could.

466
00:30:57,000 --> 00:31:00,959
Speaker 1: What did you find when you got there? You were reallyish,

467
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:08,280
Speaker 1: shell of yourself um, you a feeling of being really

468
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:14,920
Speaker 1: hollow um and your face like barely had any color

469
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:22,160
Speaker 1: in it, and you were crying kind of consistently, but

470
00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:26,760
Speaker 1: frantically and randomly. You couldn't sleep. You would wake up

471
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:35,320
Speaker 1: in terror, literal terror, like shaking and and yelling and

472
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:38,200
Speaker 1: feeling like you were going to die. And it was

473
00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:43,200
Speaker 1: really scary. Do you think I thought that I was

474
00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:46,720
Speaker 1: going crazy? Yes? I mean definitely you expressed that you

475
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:50,040
Speaker 1: thought you were going crazy. I was having a mental breakdown.

476
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,440
Speaker 1: I started calling Katie and my dad constantly to not

477
00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:58,240
Speaker 1: be alone. You were having panic attacks, and you were

478
00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:03,840
Speaker 1: having um great disturbances of the spirit. It was like, oh,

479
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:06,840
Speaker 1: a black cloud is moving over my head from behind me,

480
00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:09,760
Speaker 1: and I everything is dune and I have to die.

481
00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:14,840
Speaker 1: The pain and stress were building, and I didn't know

482
00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:18,400
Speaker 1: where they were coming from. Something bigger than me was

483
00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:22,520
Speaker 1: overtaking my mind, and I was terrified. And I remember

484
00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:25,960
Speaker 1: there was a particular day when I went to the

485
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:31,240
Speaker 1: beach and it was a big, blazing, beautiful blue day,

486
00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 1: and I sat on the beach, wrapped in a towel

487
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:40,080
Speaker 1: and everything was black and it disturbed me so much.

488
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:42,840
Speaker 1: I got into my car and I was sobbing so

489
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:46,080
Speaker 1: hard I could almost not drive. It was all coming

490
00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:48,959
Speaker 1: to an unbearable head. And I called my dad. At

491
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:52,200
Speaker 1: the end of my rope, I got back to my

492
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:56,120
Speaker 1: friend's house I was staying at, and I called you, saying,

493
00:32:56,480 --> 00:33:00,160
Speaker 1: I want to get off this planet, holding a end

494
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:04,400
Speaker 1: of mine's gun in my hand. I didn't know that.

495
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:08,760
Speaker 1: And you said to me, if you kill yourself, you

496
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:12,440
Speaker 1: will take me with you. Oh, I probably did. Yeah,

497
00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:16,000
Speaker 1: that's probably true. It is Yeah, that would be unacceptable.

498
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:24,160
Speaker 1: So I didn't and at that point I was faced

499
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:30,880
Speaker 1: with Okay, if it's not blue pill, then what does

500
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:37,120
Speaker 1: red pill look like? And for me, it was to

501
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 1: embark on a quest for understanding. I decided to live,

502
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:53,560
Speaker 1: but to change everything. If I was going to make it,

503
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:55,479
Speaker 1: I was going to have to rip the plant out

504
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:58,760
Speaker 1: of the ground and repot it in entirely new soil.

505
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,320
Speaker 1: I started exercising, going to a twelve step program for

506
00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:07,760
Speaker 1: the loved ones of addicts. I stopped drinking and went

507
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:10,640
Speaker 1: to therapy twice a week, and I started writing a

508
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:16,960
Speaker 1: book about my childhood. You discovered agency you were digging,

509
00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:21,759
Speaker 1: you were looking, you were managing the information you were discovering.

510
00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:25,840
Speaker 1: It wasn't happening to you. You were actually taking charge

511
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:33,920
Speaker 1: of experience. So that's a very important thing to do. Eventually,

512
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:38,280
Speaker 1: I was diagnosed with PTSD, which explained the mental breakdown,

513
00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:42,040
Speaker 1: and I realized that I had been denying something I

514
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:47,560
Speaker 1: knew clearly when I was a kid. I'm transgender. I'm

515
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:51,160
Speaker 1: a man in a female body, which was a massive

516
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:55,600
Speaker 1: thing to unravel of its own. It took me nine

517
00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:58,399
Speaker 1: months to get back on my feet, but when I did,

518
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:02,360
Speaker 1: I threw myself headlo into my new life. Tonight, we

519
00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:05,880
Speaker 1: hear from artist Io till it Right, whose photography projects

520
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:08,960
Speaker 1: have sparked a dial is an artist, activist, writer of

521
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:15,960
Speaker 1: the new memoir Darling Days Bout Darling Days. I moved

522
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:19,120
Speaker 1: to California full time and set up shop in the desert.

523
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:24,040
Speaker 1: My mom and I started to connect again. Our relationship

524
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:28,560
Speaker 1: works a lot better three thousand miles apart. Hey, I listen,

525
00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:33,560
Speaker 1: are you coming back across the country? Can't you bring

526
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:45,279
Speaker 1: me a tumbleweed growing? Tumbleweed called me back by so.

527
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:48,480
Speaker 1: Understanding that my mom wasn't just choosing to be an

528
00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:52,759
Speaker 1: asshole was a really big thing, And that then led

529
00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 1: me to wondering about what caused all of the pain

530
00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:59,480
Speaker 1: that she was trying to medicate away. How did she

531
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,959
Speaker 1: get there? How did she get to the point where

532
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,799
Speaker 1: like she could make choices that would imperil her kid

533
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:14,360
Speaker 1: and not know Billy all right is this same recording.

534
00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:22,879
Speaker 1: It's February six, two thousand and sixteen, and we are

535
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:27,319
Speaker 1: sitting in Williamsburg, and for the first time, we're having

536
00:36:27,360 --> 00:36:31,160
Speaker 1: a sit down interview session for what will become the

537
00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:37,759
Speaker 1: Ballad of Billy Balls and his baby Girl. Here's my mama. Yeah,

538
00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:41,239
Speaker 1: Billy knew it at Harvard School. If I don't move

539
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:43,919
Speaker 1: past my anger and she doesn't move past her grief,

540
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:45,319
Speaker 1: we're not going to ever be able to have a

541
00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:48,440
Speaker 1: functional relationship with each other. And I'm trying to change

542
00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:53,840
Speaker 1: it because I don't want to be angry at her forever. Okay, obvious,

543
00:36:53,840 --> 00:37:00,320
Speaker 1: so much love, be so much on but man, goal

544
00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:04,040
Speaker 1: in arms, but all the things that Billy didn't want

545
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:06,839
Speaker 1: to show her she doesn't want to see. I need

546
00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:09,759
Speaker 1: to know that stuff. She just needs to know where

547
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:13,040
Speaker 1: he is. I want to find Billy's bodies so that

548
00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:17,040
Speaker 1: she can say goodbye to him and maybe have a

549
00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:43,640
Speaker 1: happier life. We're gonna find that, Okay, Okay, and you

550
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:53,000
Speaker 1: know what, I did find him. That's in two weeks.

551
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 1: If you or someone you know is having suicidal ideations,

552
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:08,680
Speaker 1: please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at to seven,

553
00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:14,320
Speaker 1: three eight to five. This lifeline provides free and confidential support.

554
00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:19,640
Speaker 1: If you're queer and needs support, you can call the

555
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:24,279
Speaker 1: Trevor Project also seven at one eight six six four

556
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:28,479
Speaker 1: eight eight seven three eight six. I called them during

557
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:31,759
Speaker 1: my darkest moments and they saved my life. Use it.

558
00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:45,240
Speaker 1: Crimetown is Zack Stewart Pontier and Mark Smirling. The Ballad

559
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:48,000
Speaker 1: of Billie Balls is hosted by me Io Till It

560
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:52,000
Speaker 1: Right and made in partnership with Cadence thirteen. You can

561
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:54,960
Speaker 1: find me on the internet. I'm Io loves you on everything,

562
00:38:55,880 --> 00:38:57,760
Speaker 1: and if you want to know more about my story,

563
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:04,160
Speaker 1: pick up my memoir Darling Day. We also want to

564
00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:06,480
Speaker 1: hear from you. We have a voicemail set up and

565
00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:09,560
Speaker 1: I love it when you call. Here's Casey from Dallas.

566
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:12,279
Speaker 1: I had kids, young have two kids, being a mom

567
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:15,000
Speaker 1: with such a hard job, and I screwed up so

568
00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:18,440
Speaker 1: many times. I wish my kids could listen to this

569
00:39:18,719 --> 00:39:21,719
Speaker 1: and have the same kind of compassion and understanding that

570
00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:24,640
Speaker 1: you have for your mom and your dad, because it's

571
00:39:24,719 --> 00:39:28,040
Speaker 1: the hardest job to love someone so much and have

572
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,919
Speaker 1: so much power over the way their life turns out

573
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,560
Speaker 1: while just being a human being and trying to figure

574
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:41,239
Speaker 1: life out for yourself. If there's something on your mind, thoughts, feelings, complaints,

575
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:44,080
Speaker 1: call us and leave us a voicemail at five seven

576
00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:49,239
Speaker 1: oh three nine too. Especially if today brought stuff up

577
00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:51,040
Speaker 1: for you, just call us and tell us about it.

578
00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 1: You can also get into our discussion forum on our website.

579
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:59,680
Speaker 1: The Ballad of Billy Balls dot Com. This show is

580
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:04,240
Speaker 1: produced by Me, Kevin Sheppard and Ryan Swigert. Our senior

581
00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:09,240
Speaker 1: producers Austin Mitchell, editing by Zach Stewart Pontier and Mark Smirling.

582
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:13,960
Speaker 1: Fact checking by Jennifer Blackman. This episode was mixed by

583
00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:18,920
Speaker 1: Kenny Qcak. Music and sound design by Kenny Qcak. Our

584
00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:23,480
Speaker 1: title track is Dark Allies by Light Asylum. Archival researched

585
00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:28,200
Speaker 1: by Brennan Reats. Thanks to Daniella Aria, Rachel Lee Wright,

586
00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:34,120
Speaker 1: Emily Wiedermann, Green Card Pictures, Alessandro Sentauro, Bill Clegg, Ben Davis,

587
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:39,120
Speaker 1: Oran Rosenbaum and the team at Cadence thirteen. Special thanks

588
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:44,800
Speaker 1: to Sophie Martinez, Cora Fisher Andrea Frank's, Sarah Driver, Seth Tillott,

589
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:50,160
Speaker 1: Katie Atherton, Nicole Rauscher, Lena Tillott, Leslie Wright, d D Tillott,

590
00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:55,200
Speaker 1: Brunetta Robinson and Jones Stockhammer and Amber and Johnny for

591
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:58,759
Speaker 1: taking me in when I needed it the most, and

592
00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:02,279
Speaker 1: of course, my Mom, without whom none of this would

593
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:02,920
Speaker 1: be possible