Speaker 1: I learned this from my grandmother. Independence doesn't mean loneliness.
Speaker 2: Interesting interesting, and mine is I think, contrary to popular belief, now,
Speaker 2: thanks to social media, not everybody aspires to be a
Speaker 2: city girl or f boy period.
Speaker 1: Dead ass.
Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Speaker 2: Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form
Speaker 2: of therpy.
Speaker 1: Wait. I make you need therby most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. That ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, were actually saying facts one hundred,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: Were about to take pillows off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: This story time takes me back to my grandmother, Dela
Speaker 1: May Perry Ellis. She dropped the may. She's not a Parry,
Speaker 1: She's an Ellis. Her name was Dela May Perry shout
Speaker 1: out to Nana, and this was I would have to
Speaker 1: say it had to be twenty thirteen because Jackson was born.
Speaker 1: They were living in my parents' basement and I used
Speaker 1: to come by CANARSI with Jackson all the time, because
Speaker 1: this is when you were working at max still and
Speaker 1: I was. I was taking care of Jackson during the day.
Speaker 1: So I remember dropped coming by to drop Jackson by
Speaker 1: because I had some clients to take care of and
Speaker 1: I was dropping them by my dad and we went
Speaker 1: downstairs in the basement. I was talking to Nana and
Speaker 1: he was like, what's up. She was like, she was
Speaker 1: just like, what's up? Baby? I was like, what's up?
Speaker 1: How are you, Nana? She was like, I'm fine. Are
Speaker 1: you driving a baby off? I said yeah. She was
Speaker 1: just like, I don't know what it is with these
Speaker 1: women these days. I was like, what you mean. She's
Speaker 1: just like they just seem more concerned about, you know,
Speaker 1: going to work, going to work, going to work. I
Speaker 1: ain't never want to go to work, she said. I
Speaker 1: spent my whole life working. I've been working since I
Speaker 1: was twelve years old. I couldn't go to high school
Speaker 1: because I had to work help my parents and help
Speaker 1: raise my younger siblings. I've always been working. There wasn't
Speaker 1: a day of my life I woke up saying I
Speaker 1: can't wait to get to work today. He's like this
Speaker 1: whole thing where everybody want to work and go to
Speaker 1: go to work. Whos gonna be watching the kids?
Speaker 2: So Nana was pretty much saying soft life me before
Speaker 2: soft life was a thing.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, she absolutely was saying that. And my grandfather was
Speaker 1: able to provide her with a soft life after he
Speaker 1: got promoted to the manager of the factory and they
Speaker 1: moved to Tennessee. At the time, my aunt was I
Speaker 1: think in college, so she was like the last child.
Speaker 1: She was the baby. She was in college, so she
Speaker 1: was about nineteen twenty. But my nana didn't have to
Speaker 1: work anymore at that point. And what was crazy to
Speaker 1: me was that she was saying to me about us.
Speaker 1: She was just like, you know, y'all don't get caught up.
Speaker 1: You know here, y'all talk about money and money, this money.
Speaker 1: That don't get caught up and chasing on this money
Speaker 1: and have these kids on in the street. And you
Speaker 1: know how older people when they get to a point
Speaker 1: in their life where they just don't care what you
Speaker 1: think anymore. They're going to tell you because they have wisdom.
Speaker 1: She was honest. She was just like, yeah, yo, yeah,
Speaker 1: young people. Everybody want to go out for self and
Speaker 1: go out here and make this money, make this money,
Speaker 1: and their kids be out in the street.
Speaker 2: Point.
Speaker 1: And she told me, she said, you know, I worked.
Speaker 1: I worked at nights. Your father, your grandfather worked in
Speaker 1: the day, so in the daytime when your aunts and
Speaker 1: uncles came home, they had somebody to come home too.
Speaker 1: I was here when they came.
Speaker 2: Home, and that impacted your mindset. And she said, you
Speaker 2: wanted the same thing for your kids.
Speaker 1: Absolutely. I don't ever remember not being with a family member.
Speaker 1: When my parents were both working, I got dropped to
Speaker 1: my aunt Weezie's house, like like family has always been important,
Speaker 1: and there's always been a matriarch that's always like kind
Speaker 1: of taking care of everyone. And when I mean everyone,
Speaker 1: my aunt Weezy took care of my uncle Sam and
Speaker 1: her daughters, you know, and their kids if they had there.
Speaker 1: Because my cousin Lisa had a baby very young, so
Speaker 1: Tasha was her granddaughter. So she took care of Tasha.
Speaker 1: But then she also took care of the community's kids.
Speaker 1: So there were other kids in the community came by
Speaker 1: on Weezy's house after school, plus me and my brother,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So there was always a matriarch.
Speaker 1: And my grandmother said to me one of the greatest
Speaker 1: disservices done to the family was everybody going out there
Speaker 1: thinking they had to make money. That's what she said
Speaker 1: to me.
Speaker 2: The shoes on my feet, I bought them, clothes I'm wearing. God,
Speaker 2: I'm rocking because I depend on me. If I wanted
Speaker 2: to watch that you'm lyt because I want to be
Speaker 2: able to buy it too. The house I live in,
Speaker 2: I bought it. The car I'm driving, I depend on me. So, oh, my.
Speaker 1: Ladies, independent throw your hands off that love that sole question.
Speaker 2: I remember as you look at the lyrics of this song,
Speaker 2: I'd be like, I don't necessarily want to buy my
Speaker 2: own diamonds and my own rings. I want the ability
Speaker 2: to be able to do that, but I don't really
Speaker 2: want to do that.
Speaker 1: So let me be honest with you. That's just you know,
Speaker 1: they're starting to come at certain people, artists or artists
Speaker 1: exactly where you're going with They're coming at you know, rappers,
Speaker 1: saying like, you're not really a thug. While you're acting
Speaker 1: like a thug, you're not acting You're not really a thug.
Speaker 1: This is all the fake, right. It was like, Beyonce,
Speaker 1: you want to be independent, but you married somebody who
Speaker 1: was a bit like on his way to be a billionaire.
Speaker 2: But she's very well, that's my point.
Speaker 1: Though she be there too, But that's my point. She
Speaker 1: wants she still did that, But I still married somebody
Speaker 1: who was who made more money than her, who still
Speaker 1: makes more money than her, which proves the point that
Speaker 1: a woman who has her own still could want that life.
Speaker 1: Oh for sure, I understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: She is me, I am her.
Speaker 1: You are not Beyonce.
Speaker 2: Cha. I'm not saying I'm Beyonce per.
Speaker 1: But you are not.
Speaker 2: I'm not, but I'm not. But if you want, I
Speaker 2: can get the drawl and talk like they do down
Speaker 2: there to You.
Speaker 1: Already put on the leotard when I asked you not to.
Speaker 1: I asked you to put on a cheerleader outfit with
Speaker 1: curly hair. You put on the.
Speaker 2: Leotard because saying is is the fact that I have
Speaker 2: earning potential and am very well doing it. For myself
Speaker 2: and on my own, but it's that much better doing
Speaker 2: it with a man.
Speaker 1: Well, that's the point.
Speaker 2: Who's doing it together.
Speaker 1: That's what we're gonna talk about today.
Speaker 2: Well, ship, we talked about paying buying diamonds and all that,
Speaker 2: So we can't do that. And if we don't pay,
Speaker 2: no bills over y'all? All right, So let's let's, you know,
Speaker 2: cap the discussion for now. Will pay these bills? Are
Speaker 2: you gonna pay from your account? Or I won't pay
Speaker 2: for my account.
Speaker 1: I only know one account. You have your own account.
Speaker 1: All my stuff goes to the family anyway, So say.
Speaker 2: It's all the same time. Well, we're gonna play these ads,
Speaker 2: let somebody else pay for it.
Speaker 1: How about paying.
Speaker 2: That's not mean, you know what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2: We can get paid that part. We'll be back, y'all.
Speaker 1: All right, now we're back. I ask some questions Quattion.
Speaker 2: Just for me, really were what Nana said was absolutely true,
Speaker 2: Because it's funny. I saw a video on one of
Speaker 2: these social media platforms that the person was ranting and
Speaker 2: was just like, who exactly asked for women to be
Speaker 2: able to have the right to work. I don't want
Speaker 2: to work soft life. Me let me find somebody who
Speaker 2: lets me be a stay at home mom, wife, housekeeper, whatever.
Speaker 2: It wasn't mean when was somebody like ranting and they
Speaker 2: were just like who asked for the like who wants
Speaker 2: to get up and go to work every day because
Speaker 2: they have to? I think it's a thing where some
Speaker 2: women want the ability to decide whether or not they
Speaker 2: want to.
Speaker 1: Well, that's what I wanted to ask you, like the
Speaker 1: like when we think about independent or every woman was
Speaker 1: singing about independence, Yeah, right, when the actuality is it
Speaker 1: should have been singing about interdependence because women are fighting
Speaker 1: for the right to be able to do that when
Speaker 1: they want to the same way men are fighting. Men
Speaker 1: have been able to do what they want to do
Speaker 1: in this country and this world for forever. Women want
Speaker 1: to be able to have the same latitude.
Speaker 2: It's absolutely what we've been fed. Like I think about
Speaker 2: my generation specifically and what I was fed from my
Speaker 2: mom and the women around me. My mom was always
Speaker 2: a proponent of you're going to go out there and
Speaker 2: you're going to have your own You're going to always
Speaker 2: have your backup plan in the event that things go
Speaker 2: awry with you and whoever you end up being with.
Speaker 2: You should be self sufficient. You should also be someone
Speaker 2: who can add to and bring value to your spouse
Speaker 2: and your family, not someone And then this is financially now.
Speaker 2: She wasn't even talking about just being a caretaker. She
Speaker 2: wasn't talking about investing time in children. It was strictly
Speaker 2: fiscally fiscal advice she was giving me. She said, you
Speaker 2: need to be in a position where you're able to
Speaker 2: do this with or without a companion, and.
Speaker 1: Being an adult pretty much.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but with being an adult, yeah, that's essentially that's it.
Speaker 2: But I think as I got older and she saw,
Speaker 2: like we started dating and stuff like that, it was
Speaker 2: probably a bit intimidating for her to see, like, Okay,
Speaker 2: so Deval is dating this boy Kadeen. I mean, Kadeen
Speaker 2: is dating this boy Devo and he is now in
Speaker 2: the NFL, so that means that he is earning a
Speaker 2: lot more money than she is. For her, it was
Speaker 2: a trigger for me to move to Detroit with you,
Speaker 2: to then be dependent on you because I didn't have
Speaker 2: a job at the time, I had no income right
Speaker 2: So for her, it was me relinquishing what she thought
Speaker 2: I think was just control, relinquishing the ability to be
Speaker 2: able to provide for myself or to bring something to
Speaker 2: our relationship that was tangible and lucrative, because then all
Speaker 2: the balls were in your court and you were the
Speaker 2: one that was able to then provide for me. So
Speaker 2: I couldn't make a decision or make a move in
Speaker 2: her mind without me having to ask for permission, right
Speaker 2: or having to ask for an allowance and things like that,
Speaker 2: which was very much a real thing back in the NFL.
Speaker 2: There were some wives who so openly about you know,
Speaker 2: I'm at home, i don't work, I'm raising the kids,
Speaker 2: or i'm pregnant or whatever, but I get an allowance
Speaker 2: from my husband. And that was a triggering word because
Speaker 2: you put allowance anything having to do with someone allowing
Speaker 2: you to do something can potentially be an issue because
Speaker 2: you feel like you said stifle or you feel like
Speaker 2: you're being controlled. So that's something that I was fed
Speaker 2: early on, was having to be independent. Interdependence was not
Speaker 2: a thing I don't think, or never spoken of. That
Speaker 2: was spoken of. There was an idea that, yeah, you
Speaker 2: would meet somebody eventually and you can build a life together,
Speaker 2: but that was never the focus. And I think that's
Speaker 2: almost it's like falling into the trap of what you've
Speaker 2: been fed as a child, the same way I was
Speaker 2: fed the narrative or the notion of you know, don't
Speaker 2: go to a HBCU because the world is not HBCU.
Speaker 2: The world is not all black. You have to learn
Speaker 2: how to interact with and deal with people of all
Speaker 2: different races and genders and sexist and classes. So you
Speaker 2: can't just limit yourself by going to an HBCU. And
Speaker 2: here I am regretting every minute that I didn't get
Speaker 2: to go jump up in a drum line, because you know,
Speaker 2: I missed out on that experience and that culture. So
Speaker 2: it's a cultural thing, and it's definitely a socioeconomic thing
Speaker 2: that we are instilling in women and women that women
Speaker 2: particularly have to have their own and it's usually centered
Speaker 2: around not having to depend on a man for the
Speaker 2: things that you want and need, gotcha.
Speaker 1: So independence for me, when I have to think about
Speaker 1: just the music in general, right, think about scrubs bills.
Speaker 1: What used to be confusing for me, right was you
Speaker 1: got independent women, but then you got bills, bills, bills, right,
Speaker 1: So you want independence, but then you're asking if I
Speaker 1: can pay your bills? And then women are wondering why
Speaker 1: men are confused about what you want. As a woman,
Speaker 1: you understand what I'm saying. So when I think about
Speaker 1: like the confusing messages that are being sent to the
Speaker 1: youth or being sent to people, it makes me realize
Speaker 1: that we as a community of people have to actually
Speaker 1: start looking at the facts and not listening to what
Speaker 1: people are saying in the media. Right because other than music,
Speaker 1: now you have a group of podcasts, right and if
Speaker 1: you know, shout out dead as podcasts because I feel
Speaker 1: like we do a great job of trying to stay
Speaker 1: in our lane of what it is and not getting
Speaker 1: involved in a bunch of the bullshit. But if you
Speaker 1: open up your social media in this day and age,
Speaker 1: the first thing you see, depending on who you follow,
Speaker 1: is young black men and young black women arguing about
Speaker 1: who's that fault for the state of Black America. Right,
Speaker 1: And there's some argument that right, we love to argue it,
Speaker 1: and we love to argue about why black people aren't
Speaker 1: getting married, when in fact that's not even the truth.
Speaker 1: Black people are getting married at a higher rate today
Speaker 1: than they were in the seventies, two times more than
Speaker 1: they were in the seventies. So fifty years ago, black
Speaker 1: people weren't getting married at a rate as they were today.
Speaker 1: But here we are arguing about something that's not even real.
Speaker 1: We're arguing about a narrative that's not real. And I
Speaker 1: think a large part of that is how we communicate
Speaker 1: to one another what we're looking for. So, for example,
Speaker 1: when black men here independent women, they automatically assume that
Speaker 1: women are talking about I got all my degrees, I
Speaker 1: make all my money. I don't need you for anything,
Speaker 1: but I want you to pay all my bills because
Speaker 1: that's what you should be doing as a man. But
Speaker 1: just know that I don't need it, and if you're
Speaker 1: going to be with me in this relationship, you need
Speaker 1: to be paying all my bills. Why I keep on
Speaker 1: my money to myself when realistically that's not even the
Speaker 1: messaging that black women are trying to send to black men,
Speaker 1: and in reality, that's not how marriages are working. It's
Speaker 1: more about interdependence and not independence. And interdependence is extremely
Speaker 1: different because that's a person. And since we're talking about
Speaker 1: women and interdependence, that is a woman coming to be
Speaker 1: a part of a team, which means you depend on me,
Speaker 1: but I also depend on you. That's what creates a marriage,
Speaker 1: that's what creates the team aspect, being of service to
Speaker 1: each other. And if you look at some of these
Speaker 1: facts and stats right In twenty eighteen, researchers surveyed over
Speaker 1: twelve hundred single and married women between thirty to forty
Speaker 1: five years old. Forty four percent of single women respond
Speaker 1: is ranked living on their own as the number one priority.
Speaker 1: Thirty four percent ranked establishing a career as their top priority,
Speaker 1: so that's number two. Twenty seven ranked financial security as
Speaker 1: the most important, and then for single women, get married
Speaker 1: was the number one priority for only twenty percent, which
Speaker 1: means it still wasn't even that high, but it was.
Speaker 1: And then it says followed by twelve percent said getting
Speaker 1: a promotion at work in ten percent who said moving
Speaker 1: to a new state and or a community.
Speaker 2: I'm surprised that living on their own is the number
Speaker 2: one priority, but I guess living in their own I
Speaker 2: guess that again speaks to being independent, right, having your own.
Speaker 2: That's the little phase of life that I said I
Speaker 2: missed out on was having that moment where I just
Speaker 2: felt like, man, I can do this on my own,
Speaker 2: and taking pride in that and being able to be
Speaker 2: self sufficient and sustain a lifestyle that you want for yourself,
Speaker 2: or also being able to say, you know what, because
Speaker 2: I went from from my parents' house essentially to yours,
Speaker 2: and I never had a moment where I could be like, well,
Speaker 2: you know what, we ain't getting along right now, you
Speaker 2: go back to your place, because I, you know, can
Speaker 2: be the ruler of what happens here because it's my place.
Speaker 2: So I think that speaks to the idea of women
Speaker 2: wanting to be independent in that sense where there's not
Speaker 2: a reliance on anyone or anything.
Speaker 1: Which I understand. But you know what also crazy here
Speaker 1: to me when I look at this right it says
Speaker 1: thirty four percent rank establishing a career as a top priority,
Speaker 1: but then twenty seven ranked financial security. So more women
Speaker 1: were looking to establish a career than be financially secure,
Speaker 1: which means they're more focused on the titles. Yeap, titles
Speaker 1: are important. Titles are a number.
Speaker 2: Of people who I know now that may not even
Speaker 2: have you know, large salaries that they're making, but can
Speaker 2: tell you how many masters and doctorate degrees they have
Speaker 2: just to have them.
Speaker 1: So this is the crazy part.
Speaker 2: Like lifelong students.
Speaker 1: Checking that out just because black women and I'm reading this,
Speaker 1: it's part of another study. Just because Black women are
Speaker 1: more likely to graduate from college than their male counterparts
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they out earn Black men. Actually, black
Speaker 1: men are more likely than Black women to bring home
Speaker 1: at least seventy five thousand dollars annually. Also, double the
Speaker 1: number of black men than women make at least two
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty thousand dollars annually. Because the pervasive gender
Speaker 1: gaps and income, black men remain the bread winners in
Speaker 1: the black community. So the reason why I bring this
Speaker 1: up is because if you hear a lot of these
Speaker 1: conversations happen on social media, right, the first thing that
Speaker 1: women may argue younger women and I'm going to say
Speaker 1: younger women because and I'm going to say younger, more
Speaker 1: immature women, because the more mature wise women aren't having
Speaker 1: these conversations.
Speaker 2: I don't think this is our generation. It's not and
Speaker 2: our generation. If anything, I have had rev relations since
Speaker 2: their twenties, Yes, because they definitely shared some of the
Speaker 2: mindset of the women nowadays who are in their twenties.
Speaker 2: Then I can be a testimony to that I was
Speaker 2: a very immature twenty seven year old when Developed presented
Speaker 2: me with do you want the wedding or the house?
Speaker 2: And I was like, I want both, and you think
Speaker 2: you have to pick one and I might give me
Speaker 2: the day, And you know, there were just so many
Speaker 2: different things that now I'm looking at through a completely
Speaker 2: different lens.
Speaker 1: And it's not just women who are falling victim to this,
Speaker 1: because men oftentimes find themselves being intimidated and defensive when
Speaker 1: they hear a woman has degrees, not realizing that you
Speaker 1: can still earn a high income without the degrees. So
Speaker 1: then a lot of these young immature men are starting
Speaker 1: to lash out at women with degrees, saying things like,
Speaker 1: and I've listened to some of these podcasts, or you
Speaker 1: think you better me just because you got a degree,
Speaker 1: and I'm just like, no, she's listing what she's accomplished.
Speaker 1: You may feel a way because she may has accomplished,
Speaker 1: she may have accomplished more than you academically. So now
Speaker 1: because you feel a way, you're projecting your insecurity on her.
Speaker 1: And y'all are arguing about something that doesn't even correlate
Speaker 1: to what brings money into the household. Because black men
Speaker 1: are still the breadwinners in our community, which I like
Speaker 1: to point this out because a lot of these arguments
Speaker 1: aren't rooted in truth, facts or numbers. They're rooted in emotion,
Speaker 1: they're rooted in insecurity, and they're also rooted in youth. Well,
Speaker 1: I can't blame a young twenty year old or mid
Speaker 1: twenty year old person for having these feelings and emotions.
Speaker 1: And I'm glad you brought that up because we've had
Speaker 1: plenty of friends over the last ten years who in
Speaker 1: their twenties got married and was preaching one thing, oh man,
Speaker 1: and then now they're in their thirties and they're either divorced, remarried,
Speaker 1: or looking and their outlook on life is completely different.
Speaker 2: A lot of my you know, female counterparts who were
Speaker 2: like down't need it, don't need it for that I
Speaker 2: can walk away, I don't go to I don't got
Speaker 2: to are lonely and looking for somebody again because that
Speaker 2: single life just wasn't doing it for them, you know,
Speaker 2: and that person who they were with, you know, definitely
Speaker 2: was not their person in that you know, like very
Speaker 2: well within their right to walk away from a relationship
Speaker 2: that that no longer serve them. However, quickly realized that,
Speaker 2: like man, I do want to be interdependent with someone.
Speaker 2: I don't want to be the independent woman that I
Speaker 2: thought I wanted to be. I just was in the
Speaker 2: relationship that was stifling me and whatever a way, shape
Speaker 2: or form. So the recognizing of that, I think, is
Speaker 2: where the tide starts to shift. And like you said,
Speaker 2: it comes with maturity, for sure.
Speaker 1: For sure. So let's check out some more stats. In
Speaker 1: nineteen seventy, thirty five point six percent of Black women
Speaker 1: and twenty seven point seven percent of black men and
Speaker 1: twenty seven point seven percent of Black women were never married.
Speaker 1: But by twenty twenty, these percentages have had jumped to
Speaker 1: fifty one point four percent of Black men and forty
Speaker 1: seven percent for Black women. So Black women are almost
Speaker 1: getting married at twice the rate as they were in
Speaker 1: the seventies. While the percentage of all adults who were
Speaker 1: never married increased by seven point six percent percentage points
Speaker 1: for men and seven point nine percentage points for women,
Speaker 1: the corresponding change for Black adults was more than double that,
Speaker 1: at fifteen point eight percent points for men and nineteen
Speaker 1: point eight for women.
Speaker 2: Wow, so there's still value in marriage for Black people. Absolutely,
Speaker 2: there's definitely right. You let a couple people say it,
Speaker 2: or if you find a couple people around a mic
Speaker 2: doing a podcast, they'll be like, no, you know, but
Speaker 2: you cannot isolate the idea or you cannot generalize the
Speaker 2: idea based off of just that.
Speaker 1: But there's a good point here. They said, while the
Speaker 1: percentage of people who never married were only seven point
Speaker 1: six percent for all adults, for men, it was fifteen
Speaker 1: point eight percent points for black men, right, which shows you,
Speaker 1: even though we're less of the population, there's a higher
Speaker 1: rate of Black men who are not getting married. But
Speaker 1: there are also there are also mitigating factors to these numbers, right,
Speaker 1: for example, And I know people hate when you bring
Speaker 1: up these things, but this is the truth. Institutional and
Speaker 1: systemic racism, incarceration, right, the inability to get access to
Speaker 1: resources to marry properly. For example, it costs money to
Speaker 1: get married, and if you're constantly pushed in a state
Speaker 1: of poverty, it's a lot more difficult to legally get married.
Speaker 1: So a lot of those numbers are correlated to what
Speaker 1: we have to deal with as black people, for sure.
Speaker 1: But the bottom line is is this, more Black people
Speaker 1: are getting married than not, So this argument that black
Speaker 1: people don't value marriage and the black family is on
Speaker 1: the crisis, it's fake because there are more black people
Speaker 1: getting married in the twenty twenties than there were in
Speaker 1: the nineteen seventies, and the nineteen seventies was considered a
Speaker 1: renaissance for black love and black empowerment, right after the
Speaker 1: civil rights moving in the late nineteen.
Speaker 2: Sixies for sure, and then the ability just to you know,
Speaker 2: enter into these kind of unions that became a thing,
Speaker 2: you see what I'm saying. And if you weren't that,
Speaker 2: or if you weren't you know, married by a certain age,
Speaker 2: it's like, well, what the hell's going on with you?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: You know, because we still have grandparents and elders who
Speaker 2: look to people who are younger nowadays and be like, well,
Speaker 2: what's what's wrong with you? What's going on with such
Speaker 2: and such? He ain't found a way yet, went through
Speaker 2: so many chicks came in and out of here, and
Speaker 2: still don't find one yet.
Speaker 1: I think it's important, especially for this relationship, to discuss
Speaker 1: messaging because young kids are going to be swayed based
Speaker 1: on social media, not even so much mass media, but
Speaker 1: music and social media. And when you look at the
Speaker 1: arguments people are having, and people are arguing the exceptions,
Speaker 1: they're not arguing the rules.
Speaker 2: That's typically for shock values places.
Speaker 1: The idea that black women aren't desirable or desirable by
Speaker 1: black men, and black men don't love black women. Right,
Speaker 1: the argument that black women don't value and don't respect
Speaker 1: black men was all debunked as a lie because eighty
Speaker 1: five percent of the black men who are married in
Speaker 1: this country are married to black women.
Speaker 2: I believe it.
Speaker 1: And the crazy thing is people will then say, well,
Speaker 1: the more money a black man makes, the more likely
Speaker 1: he is to marry outside of his race, which is
Speaker 1: false because triple and I looked up. I think this
Speaker 1: was four years ago. As black men made more money,
Speaker 1: made over one hundred thousand, two hundred thousand, the rate
Speaker 1: that they hired black women was also higher, which I
Speaker 1: also want to point out because this argument that we
Speaker 1: don't respect and don't love and don't honor each other
Speaker 1: is just not real. It's not true. It's just an
Speaker 1: argument that certain people in certain groups are having in
Speaker 1: because that argument is.
Speaker 2: The loudest, the loudest.
Speaker 1: Minority people are saying that that argument is what's happening,
Speaker 1: and it's truly not.
Speaker 2: People have to really learn to not take things to
Speaker 2: say at face value because for that reason, the loud
Speaker 2: minority is typically what it is, and they're the ones
Speaker 2: that are trying to create or have created, this narrative
Speaker 2: that people are completely bought into. And at this point
Speaker 2: in the game, children who are wan't say children, but
Speaker 2: they people in their twenties, for example, I don't even
Speaker 2: know if they're equipped to be able to debunk any
Speaker 2: of that at all, you know. So that's why you
Speaker 2: know you're not having a podcast like this or platforms
Speaker 2: like black Love and things like that. They're so necessary
Speaker 2: for us to be able to say, Hey, guys, just
Speaker 2: think about it from this perspective for a second.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up to I have a
Speaker 1: question for you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, do you.
Speaker 1: Believe oh this is actually a great question. Trouble, do
Speaker 1: you believe a woman can be both independent and interdependent?
Speaker 2: You're looking at her absolutely, I mean, why could you not?
Speaker 2: The thing I think that is the key factor for
Speaker 2: being both independent and interdependent is having a spouse who
Speaker 2: empowers you. Wait.
Speaker 1: Wait, wait, that's the next question. Don't go into that.
Speaker 1: That's the next question. Don't go into that. How can
Speaker 1: a woman don't don't I want to ask that question next.
Speaker 1: I want to give you right because I also want
Speaker 1: to ask because that question is next. But how can
Speaker 1: a woman prepare to be independent before they even get
Speaker 1: before they even get to a spouse because you said
Speaker 1: finding a spouse boom, But how can a woman prepare
Speaker 1: to be both independent and interdependent?
Speaker 2: I think I was about to say, it's a mindset
Speaker 2: she has already already be brought into. You have to
Speaker 2: know that I've already done X, y Z to get
Speaker 2: to this point in my career. If that's something that
Speaker 2: you desire, you know, whatever title it is that you're
Speaker 2: looking to have, however many degrees you're able to have,
Speaker 2: you need to do that on your own, and if anything,
Speaker 2: nothing more than to prove to yourself that you were
Speaker 2: able to do it, but also knowing and that's the
Speaker 2: independent part of it, but also knowing that you do
Speaker 2: aspire to share this with someone. I'm not doing all
Speaker 2: of this just for myself or I aspire to have children.
Speaker 2: So therefore, by being independent and being self sufficient, now
Speaker 2: I can find someone who is of equally yoked. Right
Speaker 2: that can then add to that and we can then
Speaker 2: be interdependent on each other to then build this life
Speaker 2: even further.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, I got that. Okay, the next one. Right,
Speaker 1: Do you believe that men in general are truly interdependent
Speaker 1: in relationships?
Speaker 2: Do I think that men are truly interdependent in relationships
Speaker 2: in general? In general? I would say, well, my example
Speaker 2: is thinking about like, I don't think, for example, men
Speaker 2: men have to want to be in a relationship to
Speaker 2: be interdependent, because I feel like anybody, man or woman
Speaker 2: can be self sufficient on that eily, So the desire
Speaker 2: has to be for the man to desire interdependency. Do
Speaker 2: I want to share this with someone? Am I coming
Speaker 2: along with someone for the ride of life? And that's
Speaker 2: when I think interdependency for men becomes an aspiration. There's
Speaker 2: some men that don't want that.
Speaker 1: I would say this as a man, I feel like
Speaker 1: men traditionally work to be interdependent. Everything we do is
Speaker 1: based on team. We play sports is based on team
Speaker 1: with our friends, our friends groups, everything's based on team.
Speaker 1: So we are traditionally bred to be interdependent. The issue
Speaker 1: is is gender.
Speaker 2: Roles right or romance? Being romantically involved with someone?
Speaker 1: No no, no, no no, not not romance. I mean as
Speaker 1: far as like interdependent means we're in a relationship, we
Speaker 1: work together. But the problem with men traditionally is that
Speaker 1: we then put gender roles on how we're going to
Speaker 1: be interdependent, which means, yeah, we're going to be interdependent,
Speaker 1: but I'm going to do all things a man is
Speaker 1: supposed to do, and you're supposed to do everything a
Speaker 1: woman is supposed to do, which means even if we
Speaker 1: want to be interdependent and you're you want to work,
Speaker 1: they're often a lot of times there are men who
Speaker 1: become intimidated, especially if their women values their women values
Speaker 1: work in that moment more than being at home. Okay,
Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying that. So it's like we
Speaker 1: are willing to be interdependent, but then we want interdependence
Speaker 1: to look the way we traditionally want it to look.
Speaker 1: And I think that's where the disconnect has happened between
Speaker 1: men and women. Because this change also comes socioeconomically, right.
Speaker 1: More women have been infused into the workplace as we
Speaker 1: need more dual income householmes over the last fifty years,
Speaker 1: which means more women have to work, like they just
Speaker 1: have to work. So since more women have to work,
Speaker 1: more men are saying you see what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: it's like a woman is like, if I have to work,
Speaker 1: I'm going to do something I love, going to find
Speaker 1: a career. Then they get engrossed in their career, and
Speaker 1: then a man feels like, wait a minute, we're supposed
Speaker 1: to do this together. You were supposed to take a
Speaker 1: break to do this while I do this. And then
Speaker 1: she's like, wait a minute, my career doesn't say that
Speaker 1: I can take a break right now while you want
Speaker 1: me to take the break. Maybe kids can wait a
Speaker 1: little bit. Then it's like, I don't want to wait
Speaker 1: on kids. I want to have kids right now. And
Speaker 1: that's where the conflict comes in because the interdependence is
Speaker 1: there from men, but we oftentimes try to control dependent.
Speaker 2: And that's so that's why you jumped in when I
Speaker 2: said what I said, because you empower me to be
Speaker 2: independent within this interdependent relationship. Yes, right, No, I can
Speaker 2: see that as a as a as a way, but
Speaker 2: I feel like also too, a lot of men are
Speaker 2: just not rushing into being interdependent, like they don't necessarily
Speaker 2: want when I said being romantically involved, like you have
Speaker 2: to romantically want to be involved with someone to then
Speaker 2: choose to be in a relationship, which is in turn dependent.
Speaker 2: A lot of men are not necessarily desiring that for
Speaker 2: that reason. They just don't want to have to be.
Speaker 1: Locked down, lockdown Like for them, it's like I don't
Speaker 1: want to relinquish any control, you know, like for us,
Speaker 1: we weren't. This is another thing that we haven't discussed
Speaker 1: is how young ladies are conditioned to receive or find romance.
Speaker 1: Right for women, it's like I have to be chosen,
Speaker 1: you know, I have to sit down, wait, be dainty,
Speaker 1: be chosen. For a man, it's like I can go
Speaker 1: out and content her. I can go pick and choose,
Speaker 1: pick and choes try, try, try, pick and choose. But
Speaker 1: if a woman tries to be chosen with a multiple people,
Speaker 1: then she's labeled. So it's almost like dang, I as
Speaker 1: a woman, if I'm a woman, don't even have the
Speaker 1: same opportunity to find a mate to be interdependent with.
Speaker 1: I have to hope the right mate chooses me. And
Speaker 1: I think that's where there's also a conflict between men
Speaker 1: and women because women are like nowadays, women are like
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna sit back and just let you walk
Speaker 1: by with all of these different people if I want
Speaker 1: to see something, I'm gonna go get it on my own,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And to be honest, I
Speaker 1: think that's where the independence comes with the interdependent intered.
Speaker 1: You were always wanted to be The minute we met
Speaker 1: and you said, what do you want to do with
Speaker 1: your life? You said how we going to get there? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you were always going to be interdependent, but you was
Speaker 1: independent in the fact that you were like, I'm not
Speaker 1: going to sit back and wait to be chosen. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go out there and get what i want from
Speaker 1: my career, get what I want from my love life.
Speaker 1: And I feel like that is the new recipe for
Speaker 1: the modern woman. And that's why, you know, we started
Speaker 1: off with independence versus interdependence. I don't think that there
Speaker 1: is a and that's why I'm glad when I read
Speaker 1: this question. I don't think that there is a choose
Speaker 1: one or the other.
Speaker 2: Right. That's where soft life became became a thing. You
Speaker 2: hear people talk about soft women just like soft life
Speaker 2: me like, I'm no longer subscribing to team No Sleep.
Speaker 2: I'm not subscribing to independent women. Throw your hands up
Speaker 2: at no, I'm not doing that. I want the soft life.
Speaker 2: How do you get achieve the selt life? Essentially, most
Speaker 2: people want the self by being able to offload some things,
Speaker 2: sometimes onto a partner, so that way I can have
Speaker 2: those soft moments. That's not the rhetoric that was being
Speaker 2: spilled to me, like my mother been doing like softly.
Speaker 2: What does that even? What does that even mean? What
Speaker 2: does that look like? You need to be a go getter,
Speaker 2: You need to be ambitious, you know, And naturally that's
Speaker 2: what drew you to me though that you didn't look
Speaker 2: at me and be like, oh, well, she's just somebody
Speaker 2: who's gonna sit back and chill. She's somebody who's going
Speaker 2: to get all the things that she wants, and she
Speaker 2: would make a dope ass partner.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up because I'm about to
Speaker 1: debunk something that people often say. I'm a debunker because
Speaker 1: this is be annoying the fuck out of me. But
Speaker 1: this is the this is like the worst take I've
Speaker 1: ever seen. I've seen so many men and women, black, white,
Speaker 1: all say this, men are intimidated by strong, go getting women.
Speaker 1: That is not true. Take a look at all of
Speaker 1: the men in my life who are married, my parents
Speaker 1: generation and our generation. All of those men seek out
Speaker 1: women who were strong go getters to help build a life.
Speaker 2: True, very true.
Speaker 1: Think about and the ones that we know who had
Speaker 1: women who were like kind of meek, and then they
Speaker 1: did not last They didn't like. Think of all of
Speaker 1: the women in my life. Think of all of the
Speaker 1: women in your life. Think of all of our friends.
Speaker 1: All of our friends are married to women who are
Speaker 1: strong go getters. Every man that I know who is
Speaker 1: with a woman that dad was like, that could be
Speaker 1: my wife, said that that could be my wife because
Speaker 1: they all said this, now she'd be going to getting it.
Speaker 1: So this idea that a strong, intelligent, go getting black
Speaker 1: women are not desirable is also fake. It's not a
Speaker 1: real narrative.
Speaker 2: But is it? Is it intimidating for a man who
Speaker 2: may not have his shit together?
Speaker 1: It is? It is. But let's be real, though, why
Speaker 1: are you, as a strong, independent go getting black women,
Speaker 1: seeking the company of an insecure meek man.
Speaker 2: Because you might be dropping good, big go off who
Speaker 2: knows the reasons? You know.
Speaker 1: We saw the other meme to be quite mean, right,
Speaker 1: We saw a meme that said broke niggas give the
Speaker 1: best dick so here you have a lot of you
Speaker 1: have a lot of women who have their own make
Speaker 1: their own money, who only see men for what they
Speaker 1: can provide in that moment, which is sex. But you
Speaker 1: keep choosing the same type of man and then using
Speaker 1: that as your litmus test for how all men? Because
Speaker 1: you keep choosing the same type of insecure.
Speaker 2: Men and then complaining about it and saying it's all
Speaker 2: men and welcoming us to your ted talk that then
Speaker 2: becomes a podcast that then becomes the loud minorities.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. Yeah, it's the same way
Speaker 1: men who are insecure who don't want a strong woman
Speaker 1: will date a woman like that and use them as
Speaker 1: an example, like, see, it didn't work out with us
Speaker 1: because she was doing this. You keep dating the wrong
Speaker 1: type of women, my guy, And then when you get
Speaker 1: a women like you said you asked for, I just
Speaker 1: want women to be quiet, let me be a man.
Speaker 1: You know what they call them women gold diggers to
Speaker 1: think about it.
Speaker 2: Gold diggers or it's like, nah, I'm a married this
Speaker 2: girl because you know she a little younger. I could
Speaker 2: train her to be what I needed to be. And
Speaker 2: then it don't work out because you know.
Speaker 1: See, I'm not gonna lie to you that whole. I
Speaker 1: don't think that training thing is a fake too. It's
Speaker 1: because I'm gonna say it's fake because younger women are
Speaker 1: allowed to say they they older men so they can learn.
Speaker 1: They say that all the time. I can't. I can't
Speaker 1: date niggas my age, the niggas my names, don't know shit.
Speaker 1: I want to learn from an older man. But then
Speaker 1: if an older man says he likes dating younger women
Speaker 1: because they're more malleable, women get upset.
Speaker 2: They were dragging Marcus Houston. I know, well he had
Speaker 2: married his wife young, she was young or something.
Speaker 1: They were dragging him, I believe, because they say this
Speaker 1: is all speculation. We don't know. They were saying that
Speaker 1: he groomed her or something like that from time she
Speaker 1: was thirteen, like they met that because they were saying
Speaker 1: that she they got married when she was she was nineteen,
Speaker 1: but he was in his thirties and he knew her
Speaker 1: for years before that, so they're saying it is that grooming. Now,
Speaker 1: we don't know those people, so I'm not going to
Speaker 1: give an opinion on what that is. But the truth
Speaker 1: of the matter is, if you met a woman who
Speaker 1: was under the age of eighteen, and y'all were friends
Speaker 1: for all that time and then you get married the
Speaker 1: minute they come become of age. It does seem like
Speaker 1: you were praying on them when you were more mature
Speaker 1: enough to tell them what they needed to hear. That's
Speaker 1: what it looks like. Like. You can say what you
Speaker 1: want to say, but that's literally what it looks like.
Speaker 1: I mean, they said the same thing about what's his
Speaker 1: name who married Kimora Lee? Oh yeah, Russell Simmons. Like
Speaker 1: Kimora Lee was extremely young. He had first met her
Speaker 1: when she was a model, when she was fourteen, and
Speaker 1: a lot of people said that he was grooming her
Speaker 1: to become his wife.
Speaker 2: Maybe not grooming per se, but also like just you know,
Speaker 2: you know the person, you have a relationship where you
Speaker 2: see him in passing for years and then finally when
Speaker 2: it makes sense it can be when they're older.
Speaker 1: Absolutely I get it. I mean we don't know the
Speaker 1: terms of their engagement or when they met, so that's
Speaker 1: why I don't like to give judgment on that. But
Speaker 1: based on what people are saying with the age of
Speaker 1: Marcus Houston, it was that it wasn't just that because
Speaker 1: she was young. It was how long they knew each
Speaker 1: other beforehand, and gotcha, she got married with nineteen plus.
Speaker 1: I mean it's going to sound crazy, right, it's going
Speaker 1: to sound crazy. But if you're a young lady and
Speaker 1: you want to learn about life, right, would you be
Speaker 1: with another nineteen year old immature person?
Speaker 2: Right? I mean you can look at it that way.
Speaker 2: I mean I was with a guy who is my age,
Speaker 2: and I think I feel like we're very much part
Speaker 2: of the anomaly group. Not many are like us, but
Speaker 2: absolutely yeah. And they were just together, we worked together,
Speaker 2: and we were a little bit more mature in our
Speaker 2: mindset from early.
Speaker 1: But you were also go getter though, and you're also independent,
Speaker 1: and I.
Speaker 2: Saw that you were goal getter too, and you were
Speaker 2: working towards something in itself was enough.
Speaker 1: It would have been way different though, if you were
Speaker 1: nineteen saying soft life me, I'm just going to sit
Speaker 1: here and wait, you know what I'm saying. That's why
Speaker 1: I feel like the independent aspect of a woman can't
Speaker 1: be lost. You can't just say soft life me, I'm
Speaker 1: chilling and waiting for.
Speaker 2: Someone to take care of me, or you can't just
Speaker 2: aspire that be interdependent when you don't necessarily bring.
Speaker 1: Bringing me to table. Yeah, you see what I'm saying
Speaker 1: to me. I think that's what the modern woman looks like.
Speaker 1: And why why it would be desirable for a man
Speaker 1: who's choosing also interdependent is because I like the fact
Speaker 1: that when I when I retired from the NFL officially, Yo,
Speaker 1: if you gonna get this job and you get insurance,
Speaker 1: I can focus on this while you do that. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying that that little bit of break well, wife,
Speaker 1: he's gonna get us insurance. I was like, how much
Speaker 1: money you're gonna be making? Okay, you hold on to that.
Speaker 1: If I need that at any point as as extra income,
Speaker 1: I'll hit you. It felt good to be able to
Speaker 1: have that from my wife, but I know it also
Speaker 1: felt good as a woman to be able to be like, Okay.
Speaker 2: I'm holding it down for the family right now.
Speaker 1: I love you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: I love that for us. Yeah, you know it was
Speaker 2: a great time because we were able to offload certain things.
Speaker 2: Plate Like what's better than not having somebody that you
Speaker 2: can say, hey, i'm having an issue with this, let
Speaker 2: me upfload this real quick. So I could focus on
Speaker 2: that while you focus on this. Yep, like it's teamwork, baby,
Speaker 2: absolute teamwork. All right, let's go take a quick break
Speaker 2: and get into these listen letters. After we get into ads,
Speaker 2: we'll be back. All right, now we're back listening letter time.
Speaker 2: I go ahead and start can devout. First off, let
Speaker 2: me start by saying, I absolutely love watching your videos
Speaker 2: and seeing how you interact with your beautiful family. Thank you.
Speaker 1: All right, So boom from New York. When I say
Speaker 1: so bomb, so.
Speaker 2: Boom with two eyes. I'm a thirty year old single
Speaker 2: mother of two very handsome boys, two and seven. Early
Speaker 2: last year, I moved myself and my boys from the
Speaker 2: East Coast to Arizona alone. I've just been promoted to
Speaker 2: manager for my company. I'm having a hard time finding
Speaker 2: a great work life balance about feeling like I'm out.
Speaker 2: I barely have any help from their fathers. Yeah, it's
Speaker 2: two bozos. I know I'm already judging myself, and none
Speaker 2: of my family is here. They are in school and daycare.
Speaker 2: But I feel like when I get home from work,
Speaker 2: I literally only have enough energy to cook dinner and
Speaker 2: prepare everyone for the next day school and work. I
Speaker 2: am off weekends but spend most of the day in bed,
Speaker 2: sleep or going to do my hair as I'm a
Speaker 2: license or doing here as I'm a licensed cosmetologist. I
Speaker 2: recently put my actual business on the back burner because
Speaker 2: it was too much to juggle work, kids, doing here,
Speaker 2: and running my business. I know they say it takes
Speaker 2: a village, but how do I balance it all when
Speaker 2: I'm the only person in this village? Girl, I don't
Speaker 2: know who. As a mother, I want to be fully
Speaker 2: there and active for my boys, but their entire everything
Speaker 2: falls on me and me alone, and I don't and
Speaker 2: don't get into get Oh sorry, I'm sorry, y'all. Don't
Speaker 2: get me into dating that's non existent as well. I
Speaker 2: guess my real question is what tips do you guys
Speaker 2: have that I can to avoid burnout and also ensure
Speaker 2: that everything is done even though it's only one person. Sincerely,
Speaker 2: a tired soul.
Speaker 1: This is easy. I've been doing this for Prototype. This
Speaker 1: is easy. You have to find people in the village
Speaker 1: that you may not be related to. Think about Prototype,
Speaker 1: how many kids we had in our house because those
Speaker 1: were single moms and sometimes the kids need to be
Speaker 1: picked up.
Speaker 2: True.
Speaker 1: Then you got Coach Dval coming to pick you up.
Speaker 1: You got coach Brian coming to pick you up. You
Speaker 1: got coach Hannah, coach Courtney, like, there are so many
Speaker 1: willing enable men in these communities who are committed to
Speaker 1: their community that will help you. Now you have to
Speaker 1: use discernment and decide who is going to be around
Speaker 1: your family, because you can't just have anybody around your kids.
Speaker 1: You can't just have strangers. You have to be smart
Speaker 1: enough to look around and see who you can trust
Speaker 1: in who you can But the truth of the matter
Speaker 1: is once you move to another location, you have to
Speaker 1: look around you and find like minds to help build
Speaker 1: that family, Kadeina, and not do it here. We're in Atlanta.
Speaker 1: We moved her mom and down, dad down. Yes that
Speaker 1: does help, but there's still times where it's just like, hey,
Speaker 1: our neighbor has three kids who are in the same
Speaker 1: basketball program. They can grab Jackson from basketball and it'll
Speaker 1: give mom and dad or rest because we're away filming,
Speaker 1: you know. So, so look in your community, in your
Speaker 1: neighborhood and see if you can find some people to help.
Speaker 2: Let me tell you when I went to Jackson School
Speaker 2: for the sneak Peak night, it was the opening night.
Speaker 2: I was about seven months pregnant with Koda, and I
Speaker 2: get there and there's parents there with their children and
Speaker 2: I see you look at all the fifth graders and stuff,
Speaker 2: and I see this beautiful black family, you know, mom
Speaker 2: and dad, their son. And I was like, they look
Speaker 2: like some nice people. So I literally went over to
Speaker 2: them and I was just like, hey, my name is Kadeen,
Speaker 2: nice to meet you. They send it their hands sho hands. Hey,
Speaker 2: I'm so and so I'm sooning so awesome. This is
Speaker 2: my son, Jackson. We're new pretty much to Georgia. It's
Speaker 2: be his first year here and we're looking with some
Speaker 2: good people and y'all look like good people. So so
Speaker 2: it's funny because to this day, every time that time
Speaker 2: of year rolls around, I'm like, y'all, it's our anniversary.
Speaker 2: This when I bagged you, you know. And it's funny
Speaker 2: because they've become such Jackson and this kid they're best friends. Now.
Speaker 2: The family has been amazing to us. They literally have
Speaker 2: been like family here. They've spent Christmas here, I mean,
Speaker 2: and it's nothing like finding like minded individuals who are
Speaker 2: in your community or in your neighborhood that you can
Speaker 2: rely on so Sis, I don't know how you do
Speaker 2: it as a single mom, having the guts and the
Speaker 2: courage to move cross country with your boys alone. I
Speaker 2: could not imagine being the only one every time someone's
Speaker 2: calling for mom. And I know what it feels like
Speaker 2: when I miss a school event or miss a sporting
Speaker 2: event because of work. So it's virtually impossible for you
Speaker 2: to duplicate yourself. You need to find some help and
Speaker 2: that's ultimately the only thing I think that will help
Speaker 2: you here, to preserve yourself too in your mental So
Speaker 2: good luck to y'all. Hope it works out for you
Speaker 2: out there in Arizona.
Speaker 1: Facts number two, Hi de Vala Kadeen. I want to
Speaker 1: start by saying that I freaking love y'all. We love
Speaker 1: you too. Y'all are really my cousins in my head. Lol.
Speaker 1: I actually never thought I would be writing in an
Speaker 1: email because I'm sure y'all get so many mind may
Speaker 1: not even get read. However, after listening to the Coach
Speaker 1: Daddy episode, I had to write in I'm a single
Speaker 1: mom of two whole boys, ages thirteen and five. My
Speaker 1: thirteen year old is a student athlete that plays basketball.
Speaker 1: He's been playing since about eight and is a pretty
Speaker 1: skilled player for his age group. The issue is the attitude,
Speaker 1: teaching how to control his emotions, attitude, the body language
Speaker 1: on the court has been challenging this last year. He
Speaker 1: started his year off with a small injury that prevented
Speaker 1: him from playing the first few games. He felt like
Speaker 1: once he returned he was placed on the back burner
Speaker 1: in it has caused him to be extremely frustrated. His
Speaker 1: frustration turned into an emotion, and his emotion comes off
Speaker 1: as an attitude. This has impacted his relationship with his
Speaker 1: coaches and his playing time. It's been a domino effect.
Speaker 1: As a single mom, I have to play both the
Speaker 1: tough love role and the nurturer because I need there
Speaker 1: to be a balance. He has coaches like Deval that
Speaker 1: just don't play and are really tough on him. I
Speaker 1: know in your case with Jackson, by the way, I
Speaker 1: have a Jackson two. Deval can give the tough love
Speaker 1: because Kay can always be the safe place to land.
Speaker 1: How can I be both? You can always be both, baby.
Speaker 1: I have to be both and Kay has to learn.
Speaker 1: I don't want to coddle him through this tough time. However,
Speaker 1: I also don't want him to feel beat down by everyone.
Speaker 1: I do feel like he's learning how to self correct,
Speaker 1: but I feel like he's being overshadowed by previous behaviors.
Speaker 1: How can I help him through this adversity. Your thoughts
Speaker 1: and opinions are greatly appreciated. Ps him and I watched
Speaker 1: the video of you and Jackson in the gym together,
Speaker 1: and I've allowed him to adopt the saying frustration fucks
Speaker 1: up your focus. Hella, Well, it has helped love a
Speaker 1: mom who just wants the best for her son. Oh man,
Speaker 1: I'm glad that I want to do more podcasts about parenting.
Speaker 1: I do, I really do, because we've learned a lot
Speaker 1: over the last couple of years. This is very simple.
Speaker 1: First thing you have to realize is that your children's
Speaker 1: behavior are a reflection of what they see. If your
Speaker 1: child has a poor attitude or a bad attitude, he's
Speaker 1: learned that from somewhere, because children just don't learn bad attitudes,
Speaker 1: which means sometimes for us as parents, we have to
Speaker 1: self correct and figure out if that bad attitude is
Speaker 1: a reflection of what I do to him. So, for example,
Speaker 1: with Jackson, I noticed with him is that he he'll
Speaker 1: suck his teeth he'll roll his eyes, his body language
Speaker 1: you get down, and I'm just like, where do you
Speaker 1: learn that he screams? I told you about the time
Speaker 1: when he was screaming at Cairo, and I was just like, bro,
Speaker 1: what makes you think you can scream at your brother?
Speaker 1: And he said, well, you scream at mommy. And I
Speaker 1: had to realize, like, dang, did he see me screaming
Speaker 1: at you at some point? And remember when we were
Speaker 1: having the argument about COVID and you and I had
Speaker 1: the argument and I was screaming yeah, And I had
Speaker 1: to realize like, wow, my son is always going to
Speaker 1: revert back to what he sees me do as his
Speaker 1: example for life. So we were in the car one
Speaker 1: day and we were having a conversation about his attitude
Speaker 1: and I started going him. I started screaming and screaming
Speaker 1: and screaming and getting upset and I was. And then
Speaker 1: we go downstairs in the gym and he comes down
Speaker 1: to me and he goes, Dad, you are right, And
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Is your attitude fine, because
Speaker 1: cause at the gym you were acting this way And
Speaker 1: he was just like, yeah, I understand it, but I
Speaker 1: felt like you could have handled that better in the car.
Speaker 1: That's what he said to me, and I had at
Speaker 1: first when.
Speaker 2: The checker becomes the check e, right.
Speaker 1: Right, But at first I was about to check it
Speaker 1: and be like, it's funny. You can tell me about
Speaker 1: my attitude, but you don't. And then I realized, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm about to do it again. I'm about to do
Speaker 1: it again. So I said, let me be the example.
Speaker 1: I said, you know what, You're right, I could have
Speaker 1: handled that better. And I was like, how could have
Speaker 1: handled that better? He said, there was no reason for
Speaker 1: you to scream at me, like I was right there,
Speaker 1: We're on our way home. It's just us. I was
Speaker 1: listening to you. There's no reason for you to scream
Speaker 1: and get all animated. And I was like, you know what,
Speaker 1: You're right. I'm gonna work on that. And because I
Speaker 1: gave him some accountability, he realized that he didn't have
Speaker 1: to be perfect, and so when he started to mess up,
Speaker 1: he stops getting as emotional. And I don't if you
Speaker 1: notice anymore. K K can attest to this if she
Speaker 1: sees this. I don't scream at our kids anymore. I
Speaker 1: haven't thrown the laptop in the pool. I haven't gotten
Speaker 1: super animated or boisterous, like I haven't done any either,
Speaker 1: because I've learned that the more I compose myself, the
Speaker 1: more they will remain composed and calm if something happens
Speaker 1: when we're not there.
Speaker 2: It's interesting too, you mentioned that because just in general,
Speaker 2: our kids are not super loud and over the top
Speaker 2: with anything, even with each other, you know, because of
Speaker 2: course his brothers they had the little spats and whatnot,
Speaker 2: but we never really hear loud matches of shouting and
Speaker 2: back and forth because we don't do that, and it's
Speaker 2: more impactful when you bring your kid near if they
Speaker 2: did something like listen, the fuck do you think this
Speaker 2: is right now? Because I definitely have had like one
Speaker 2: or two moments for Jackson, but like, who the fuck
Speaker 2: are you talking to? Yeah, and that's when his eyes
Speaker 2: get really big and he's just like, oh shit, Mom
Speaker 2: just dropped the found because he knows that he can't
Speaker 2: use that language around me, and I don't use it
Speaker 2: to their knowledge, right. I hope they listen to the
Speaker 2: podcast one day, but but yeah, there's nothing more than
Speaker 2: just composing yourself and just saying, yo, you're What we're
Speaker 2: not going to do is that yeah, we're not going
Speaker 2: to do that.
Speaker 1: And also validating their feelings, don't make them feel like
Speaker 1: they have no reason for their feelings, because then they
Speaker 1: get confused and then they start to question themselfs say
Speaker 1: why do I feel this way?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And when you start to question why do I feel
Speaker 1: this way, you start to get frustrated more emotional. But
Speaker 1: then you lack the confidence to try to find a
Speaker 1: way out of it because you feel like something is
Speaker 1: wrong with you. So what I always do with Jackson
Speaker 1: is when he has an issue, for example, like he
Speaker 1: was upset he didn't get some playing time in a game,
Speaker 1: and the first thing I did was ask the coach, like,
Speaker 1: what's up. Jackson is one of the more skilled players.
Speaker 1: Why didn't he play? And the coach made it very
Speaker 1: clear to me. He said, Jackson is twelve, but he
Speaker 1: just turned twelve. Some of our players are twelve turn
Speaker 1: and thirteen. When we play other teams who have players
Speaker 1: who are twelve turn thirteen or mostly thirteen year olds,
Speaker 1: Jackson can't help us defensively because those kids are just taller.
Speaker 1: Like we're at the point in the game where height
Speaker 1: really really matters, so he couldn't help us on defense.
Speaker 1: So since he couldn't help us on defense, he rolled
Speaker 1: the bench a little bit. So I spoke to Jackson
Speaker 1: and I gave him that explanation. I said, how do
Speaker 1: you feel about that? He said, that's fucking whack. That's
Speaker 1: literally what he said, play defense. I said, so, now
Speaker 1: what you have to do is prove it. But you
Speaker 1: don't prove it by throwing a tantrum, getting upset and
Speaker 1: getting emotional. You are entitled to be upset that you're
Speaker 1: not playing. If I were you, i'd be upset too.
Speaker 1: But now you have a choice. Are you going to
Speaker 1: get emotional and cry and be a baby and not
Speaker 1: get better, or are you going to say, you know what,
Speaker 1: there are certain things in my game I can work
Speaker 1: on to prove that I can play against taller kids
Speaker 1: and do that. And he was just like, I think
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do that, And I didn't say, we'll do
Speaker 1: it the next time and fix it and corrected. I said,
Speaker 1: well it's a work in progress. If you get emotional
Speaker 1: the next time and you're still upset, this is something
Speaker 1: you're going to work on through your whole life. I
Speaker 1: am a grown man, and I still have to check
Speaker 1: my emotions, right Jackson. He was like yeah, so I said, so,
Speaker 1: don't feel like you have to be perfect the next time.
Speaker 1: Just try to be better. And every time you feel
Speaker 1: like you're losing it, think about what we worked on
Speaker 1: and just get better for next time. Yeah, and that's
Speaker 1: all it is. Just work with them through the process.
Speaker 1: But the biggest thing is maintain your composure. If you're
Speaker 1: a single mom. I spoke to my cousin Poorsche about this.
Speaker 1: Moms love to scream and holler.
Speaker 2: That was gonna be my thing, Like she said, how
Speaker 2: does she go between me and tough guy innurturer? And
Speaker 2: it really has a way. It's everything to do with
Speaker 2: the way you compose yourself and deliver the message. You
Speaker 2: can be tough and you can be starned without hollering
Speaker 2: and yelling. You can also be nurturer without coddling and babying.
Speaker 1: Yes you can, you know what.
Speaker 2: I'm I'm glad there's no way to do that.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you said that because that is that is
Speaker 1: so true. I am tough on these kids, super tough,
Speaker 1: but I don't scream and holler at them no more.
Speaker 1: I nurture them. I will have a serious conversation and
Speaker 1: I'll bring them over and I'll be like, you know what,
Speaker 1: how you feel You're still mad? Okay, we'll give me
Speaker 1: a kiss. I love you. Give me a hug. You
Speaker 1: still got shit to do, but you give me a hug.
Speaker 1: And after this hug, you can get your emotions together,
Speaker 1: take your time, and finish what you started. That's how
Speaker 1: you can be tough, but love them like. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna let you quit. I'm not gonna let you off
Speaker 1: the hook. I'm gonna hold you accountable, but I'm gonna
Speaker 1: love you through the process. Toughness comes with accountability, not
Speaker 1: with volume or physical tough like you don't got to
Speaker 1: hit somebody.
Speaker 2: Be toughest, have to be super emotional.
Speaker 1: Toughness comes to the accountability yep, and rational thinking.
Speaker 2: All right, good luck to your mama. You're out there
Speaker 2: doing it and doing it well. All right, y'all right?
Speaker 2: Into us. Email us at dead ass Advice at gmail
Speaker 2: dot com if you want to be featured as a
Speaker 2: listener letter. We love to hear from you.
Speaker 1: That's right, that's D E A D A S S
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All Right, moment of truth time. This is. My moment
Speaker 2: of truth is interdependent. I well, some it up for us, then.
Speaker 1: Use discernment with who you listen to about relationships.
Speaker 2: That's a good overarching one.
Speaker 1: Yes, I never say I never believed too much advice
Speaker 1: was a thing until social media became a thing. There's
Speaker 1: too much advice, right, Do some research on your own
Speaker 1: facts and stats, check the details about what's really going
Speaker 1: on over here. But remember this, black men love black women,
Speaker 1: black women love black men. We are getting married at
Speaker 1: a higher rate than we ever have in this country,
Speaker 1: and we love the shit out of each other.
Speaker 2: That's a fact.
Speaker 1: Don't let anyone fool you into believing otherwise.
Speaker 2: If you better wrap it up for us, put a
Speaker 2: damn boon a bitch is over well. My mom on
Speaker 2: of truth is pretty simple too. It's interdependence and dependence. Sorry,
Speaker 2: interdependency and independence can coexist. You can do it simultaneously.
Speaker 1: I agree.
Speaker 2: You can become the independent man or woman that you
Speaker 2: want to be, but aspire towards interdependency for it to work.
Speaker 2: And if that's the aspiration, put the eos aside and
Speaker 2: just get the job done, because that's what we're trying
Speaker 2: to do over here. Y'all period. All right, y'all, and
Speaker 2: you can follow us, find us, subscribe, join the Patreon
Speaker 2: gang Gang y'all to see exclusive dead Ass podcast video
Speaker 2: content and Ella's family content as well. Well. You can
Speaker 2: find us on social media. Dead Ass the podcast, I
Speaker 2: Am Kadine, I Am.
Speaker 1: And I Am Devo, and if you're listening to Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 2: Keep telling your friends, y'all know well eleven seasons in baby,
Speaker 2: but some of y'all have been writing and saying that
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Speaker 2: to the podcast, and we love newbies, So put your
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Speaker 2: the family. Love y'all. Dead Ass.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
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