1
00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:09,080
Speaker 1: I learned this from my grandmother. Independence doesn't mean loneliness.

2
00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:18,000
Speaker 2: Interesting interesting, and mine is I think, contrary to popular belief, now,

3
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:22,000
Speaker 2: thanks to social media, not everybody aspires to be a

4
00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:25,000
Speaker 2: city girl or f boy period.

5
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,120
Speaker 1: Dead ass.

6
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,640
Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.

7
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,559
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with.

8
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:39,120
Speaker 2: Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form

9
00:00:39,159 --> 00:00:39,760
Speaker 2: of therpy.

10
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,680
Speaker 1: Wait. I make you need therby most days. Wow.

11
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,440
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

12
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:49,360
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open

13
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,279
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.

14
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:54,800
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.

15
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,920
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. That ass

16
00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,040
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when

17
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,920
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, were actually saying facts one hundred,

18
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,839
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

19
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,600
Speaker 1: Were about to take pillows off to our whole new level.

20
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,800
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.

21
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,600
Speaker 1: This story time takes me back to my grandmother, Dela

22
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:21,480
Speaker 1: May Perry Ellis. She dropped the may. She's not a Parry,

23
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:24,360
Speaker 1: She's an Ellis. Her name was Dela May Perry shout

24
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:27,800
Speaker 1: out to Nana, and this was I would have to

25
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,839
Speaker 1: say it had to be twenty thirteen because Jackson was born.

26
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:36,320
Speaker 1: They were living in my parents' basement and I used

27
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,639
Speaker 1: to come by CANARSI with Jackson all the time, because

28
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:43,280
Speaker 1: this is when you were working at max still and

29
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,880
Speaker 1: I was. I was taking care of Jackson during the day.

30
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,640
Speaker 1: So I remember dropped coming by to drop Jackson by

31
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,280
Speaker 1: because I had some clients to take care of and

32
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,640
Speaker 1: I was dropping them by my dad and we went

33
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,040
Speaker 1: downstairs in the basement. I was talking to Nana and

34
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,280
Speaker 1: he was like, what's up. She was like, she was

35
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:57,680
Speaker 1: just like, what's up? Baby? I was like, what's up?

36
00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,320
Speaker 1: How are you, Nana? She was like, I'm fine. Are

37
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,400
Speaker 1: you driving a baby off? I said yeah. She was

38
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,680
Speaker 1: just like, I don't know what it is with these

39
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,520
Speaker 1: women these days. I was like, what you mean. She's

40
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,960
Speaker 1: just like they just seem more concerned about, you know,

41
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,040
Speaker 1: going to work, going to work, going to work. I

42
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:16,600
Speaker 1: ain't never want to go to work, she said. I

43
00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:18,200
Speaker 1: spent my whole life working. I've been working since I

44
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:19,760
Speaker 1: was twelve years old. I couldn't go to high school

45
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,799
Speaker 1: because I had to work help my parents and help

46
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:26,119
Speaker 1: raise my younger siblings. I've always been working. There wasn't

47
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,080
Speaker 1: a day of my life I woke up saying I

48
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,480
Speaker 1: can't wait to get to work today. He's like this

49
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,040
Speaker 1: whole thing where everybody want to work and go to

50
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,560
Speaker 1: go to work. Whos gonna be watching the kids?

51
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,080
Speaker 2: So Nana was pretty much saying soft life me before

52
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,240
Speaker 2: soft life was a thing.

53
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,600
Speaker 1: Absolutely, she absolutely was saying that. And my grandfather was

54
00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:42,640
Speaker 1: able to provide her with a soft life after he

55
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:47,919
Speaker 1: got promoted to the manager of the factory and they

56
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:52,000
Speaker 1: moved to Tennessee. At the time, my aunt was I

57
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,079
Speaker 1: think in college, so she was like the last child.

58
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,200
Speaker 1: She was the baby. She was in college, so she

59
00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,519
Speaker 1: was about nineteen twenty. But my nana didn't have to

60
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:03,480
Speaker 1: work anymore at that point. And what was crazy to

61
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,760
Speaker 1: me was that she was saying to me about us.

62
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,600
Speaker 1: She was just like, you know, y'all don't get caught up.

63
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,760
Speaker 1: You know here, y'all talk about money and money, this money.

64
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,800
Speaker 1: That don't get caught up and chasing on this money

65
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,440
Speaker 1: and have these kids on in the street. And you

66
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,280
Speaker 1: know how older people when they get to a point

67
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,760
Speaker 1: in their life where they just don't care what you

68
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,800
Speaker 1: think anymore. They're going to tell you because they have wisdom.

69
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,200
Speaker 1: She was honest. She was just like, yeah, yo, yeah,

70
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:25,720
Speaker 1: young people. Everybody want to go out for self and

71
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,200
Speaker 1: go out here and make this money, make this money,

72
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,400
Speaker 1: and their kids be out in the street.

73
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:30,720
Speaker 2: Point.

74
00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:32,840
Speaker 1: And she told me, she said, you know, I worked.

75
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:37,040
Speaker 1: I worked at nights. Your father, your grandfather worked in

76
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:40,000
Speaker 1: the day, so in the daytime when your aunts and

77
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,600
Speaker 1: uncles came home, they had somebody to come home too.

78
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:44,880
Speaker 1: I was here when they came.

79
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:47,800
Speaker 2: Home, and that impacted your mindset. And she said, you

80
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:49,200
Speaker 2: wanted the same thing for your kids.

81
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,840
Speaker 1: Absolutely. I don't ever remember not being with a family member.

82
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:56,840
Speaker 1: When my parents were both working, I got dropped to

83
00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:01,760
Speaker 1: my aunt Weezie's house, like like family has always been important,

84
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,839
Speaker 1: and there's always been a matriarch that's always like kind

85
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,120
Speaker 1: of taking care of everyone. And when I mean everyone,

86
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,520
Speaker 1: my aunt Weezy took care of my uncle Sam and

87
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,920
Speaker 1: her daughters, you know, and their kids if they had there.

88
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,640
Speaker 1: Because my cousin Lisa had a baby very young, so

89
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,919
Speaker 1: Tasha was her granddaughter. So she took care of Tasha.

90
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,919
Speaker 1: But then she also took care of the community's kids.

91
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,960
Speaker 1: So there were other kids in the community came by

92
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,479
Speaker 1: on Weezy's house after school, plus me and my brother,

93
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,920
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So there was always a matriarch.

94
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:35,000
Speaker 1: And my grandmother said to me one of the greatest

95
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:42,160
Speaker 1: disservices done to the family was everybody going out there

96
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,760
Speaker 1: thinking they had to make money. That's what she said

97
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:45,000
Speaker 1: to me.

98
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,880
Speaker 2: The shoes on my feet, I bought them, clothes I'm wearing. God,

99
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,520
Speaker 2: I'm rocking because I depend on me. If I wanted

100
00:04:56,640 --> 00:05:00,640
Speaker 2: to watch that you'm lyt because I want to be

101
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,279
Speaker 2: able to buy it too. The house I live in,

102
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:09,120
Speaker 2: I bought it. The car I'm driving, I depend on me. So, oh, my.

103
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:15,080
Speaker 1: Ladies, independent throw your hands off that love that sole question.

104
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,320
Speaker 2: I remember as you look at the lyrics of this song,

105
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,520
Speaker 2: I'd be like, I don't necessarily want to buy my

106
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,800
Speaker 2: own diamonds and my own rings. I want the ability

107
00:05:22,839 --> 00:05:25,960
Speaker 2: to be able to do that, but I don't really

108
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:26,720
Speaker 2: want to do that.

109
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,320
Speaker 1: So let me be honest with you. That's just you know,

110
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:33,000
Speaker 1: they're starting to come at certain people, artists or artists

111
00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:38,240
Speaker 1: exactly where you're going with They're coming at you know, rappers,

112
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,440
Speaker 1: saying like, you're not really a thug. While you're acting

113
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,440
Speaker 1: like a thug, you're not acting You're not really a thug.

114
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:46,000
Speaker 1: This is all the fake, right. It was like, Beyonce,

115
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,200
Speaker 1: you want to be independent, but you married somebody who

116
00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,960
Speaker 1: was a bit like on his way to be a billionaire.

117
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,680
Speaker 2: But she's very well, that's my point.

118
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:58,320
Speaker 1: Though she be there too, But that's my point. She

119
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:02,440
Speaker 1: wants she still did that, But I still married somebody

120
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,720
Speaker 1: who was who made more money than her, who still

121
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,280
Speaker 1: makes more money than her, which proves the point that

122
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:13,440
Speaker 1: a woman who has her own still could want that life.

123
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,200
Speaker 1: Oh for sure, I understand what I'm saying.

124
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,640
Speaker 2: She is me, I am her.

125
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:18,920
Speaker 1: You are not Beyonce.

126
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,560
Speaker 2: Cha. I'm not saying I'm Beyonce per.

127
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:26,240
Speaker 1: But you are not.

128
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,320
Speaker 2: I'm not, but I'm not. But if you want, I

129
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,480
Speaker 2: can get the drawl and talk like they do down

130
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:32,839
Speaker 2: there to You.

131
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,760
Speaker 1: Already put on the leotard when I asked you not to.

132
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,120
Speaker 1: I asked you to put on a cheerleader outfit with

133
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,200
Speaker 1: curly hair. You put on the.

134
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,720
Speaker 2: Leotard because saying is is the fact that I have

135
00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:46,040
Speaker 2: earning potential and am very well doing it. For myself

136
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,360
Speaker 2: and on my own, but it's that much better doing

137
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:49,039
Speaker 2: it with a man.

138
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:49,920
Speaker 1: Well, that's the point.

139
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:50,760
Speaker 2: Who's doing it together.

140
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:51,919
Speaker 1: That's what we're gonna talk about today.

141
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,880
Speaker 2: Well, ship, we talked about paying buying diamonds and all that,

142
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,120
Speaker 2: So we can't do that. And if we don't pay,

143
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,880
Speaker 2: no bills over y'all? All right, So let's let's, you know,

144
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,920
Speaker 2: cap the discussion for now. Will pay these bills? Are

145
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,400
Speaker 2: you gonna pay from your account? Or I won't pay

146
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,560
Speaker 2: for my account.

147
00:07:04,839 --> 00:07:07,960
Speaker 1: I only know one account. You have your own account.

148
00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:11,280
Speaker 1: All my stuff goes to the family anyway, So say.

149
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,520
Speaker 2: It's all the same time. Well, we're gonna play these ads,

150
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:14,520
Speaker 2: let somebody else pay for it.

151
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:15,720
Speaker 1: How about paying.

152
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:18,600
Speaker 2: That's not mean, you know what I'm trying to say.

153
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,040
Speaker 2: We can get paid that part. We'll be back, y'all.

154
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,280
Speaker 1: All right, now we're back. I ask some questions Quattion.

155
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:33,119
Speaker 2: Just for me, really were what Nana said was absolutely true,

156
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,360
Speaker 2: Because it's funny. I saw a video on one of

157
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,560
Speaker 2: these social media platforms that the person was ranting and

158
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,560
Speaker 2: was just like, who exactly asked for women to be

159
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,520
Speaker 2: able to have the right to work. I don't want

160
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:47,080
Speaker 2: to work soft life. Me let me find somebody who

161
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:51,280
Speaker 2: lets me be a stay at home mom, wife, housekeeper, whatever.

162
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,160
Speaker 2: It wasn't mean when was somebody like ranting and they

163
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,840
Speaker 2: were just like who asked for the like who wants

164
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,680
Speaker 2: to get up and go to work every day because

165
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,680
Speaker 2: they have to? I think it's a thing where some

166
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,560
Speaker 2: women want the ability to decide whether or not they

167
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:07,960
Speaker 2: want to.

168
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,240
Speaker 1: Well, that's what I wanted to ask you, like the

169
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,720
Speaker 1: like when we think about independent or every woman was

170
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:18,600
Speaker 1: singing about independence, Yeah, right, when the actuality is it

171
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:22,760
Speaker 1: should have been singing about interdependence because women are fighting

172
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,200
Speaker 1: for the right to be able to do that when

173
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,840
Speaker 1: they want to the same way men are fighting. Men

174
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:29,680
Speaker 1: have been able to do what they want to do

175
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:33,440
Speaker 1: in this country and this world for forever. Women want

176
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,040
Speaker 1: to be able to have the same latitude.

177
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,520
Speaker 2: It's absolutely what we've been fed. Like I think about

178
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:43,040
Speaker 2: my generation specifically and what I was fed from my

179
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,600
Speaker 2: mom and the women around me. My mom was always

180
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,319
Speaker 2: a proponent of you're going to go out there and

181
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,600
Speaker 2: you're going to have your own You're going to always

182
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,640
Speaker 2: have your backup plan in the event that things go

183
00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:57,280
Speaker 2: awry with you and whoever you end up being with.

184
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,960
Speaker 2: You should be self sufficient. You should also be someone

185
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,400
Speaker 2: who can add to and bring value to your spouse

186
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,640
Speaker 2: and your family, not someone And then this is financially now.

187
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:11,160
Speaker 2: She wasn't even talking about just being a caretaker. She

188
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,440
Speaker 2: wasn't talking about investing time in children. It was strictly

189
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,960
Speaker 2: fiscally fiscal advice she was giving me. She said, you

190
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,920
Speaker 2: need to be in a position where you're able to

191
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:24,040
Speaker 2: do this with or without a companion, and.

192
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:25,400
Speaker 1: Being an adult pretty much.

193
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, but with being an adult, yeah, that's essentially that's it.

194
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,839
Speaker 2: But I think as I got older and she saw,

195
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,880
Speaker 2: like we started dating and stuff like that, it was

196
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,520
Speaker 2: probably a bit intimidating for her to see, like, Okay,

197
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,840
Speaker 2: so Deval is dating this boy Kadeen. I mean, Kadeen

198
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,400
Speaker 2: is dating this boy Devo and he is now in

199
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,480
Speaker 2: the NFL, so that means that he is earning a

200
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,560
Speaker 2: lot more money than she is. For her, it was

201
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,200
Speaker 2: a trigger for me to move to Detroit with you,

202
00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:54,320
Speaker 2: to then be dependent on you because I didn't have

203
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,680
Speaker 2: a job at the time, I had no income right

204
00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:00,760
Speaker 2: So for her, it was me relinquishing what she thought

205
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:05,720
Speaker 2: I think was just control, relinquishing the ability to be

206
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,439
Speaker 2: able to provide for myself or to bring something to

207
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,880
Speaker 2: our relationship that was tangible and lucrative, because then all

208
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,080
Speaker 2: the balls were in your court and you were the

209
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,120
Speaker 2: one that was able to then provide for me. So

210
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,280
Speaker 2: I couldn't make a decision or make a move in

211
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:22,080
Speaker 2: her mind without me having to ask for permission, right

212
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,679
Speaker 2: or having to ask for an allowance and things like that,

213
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,400
Speaker 2: which was very much a real thing back in the NFL.

214
00:10:27,679 --> 00:10:30,120
Speaker 2: There were some wives who so openly about you know,

215
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,120
Speaker 2: I'm at home, i don't work, I'm raising the kids,

216
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,760
Speaker 2: or i'm pregnant or whatever, but I get an allowance

217
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,080
Speaker 2: from my husband. And that was a triggering word because

218
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,960
Speaker 2: you put allowance anything having to do with someone allowing

219
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,480
Speaker 2: you to do something can potentially be an issue because

220
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,960
Speaker 2: you feel like you said stifle or you feel like

221
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,760
Speaker 2: you're being controlled. So that's something that I was fed

222
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,679
Speaker 2: early on, was having to be independent. Interdependence was not

223
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:55,480
Speaker 2: a thing I don't think, or never spoken of. That

224
00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:57,880
Speaker 2: was spoken of. There was an idea that, yeah, you

225
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,360
Speaker 2: would meet somebody eventually and you can build a life together,

226
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,199
Speaker 2: but that was never the focus. And I think that's

227
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,079
Speaker 2: almost it's like falling into the trap of what you've

228
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,880
Speaker 2: been fed as a child, the same way I was

229
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:11,440
Speaker 2: fed the narrative or the notion of you know, don't

230
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,479
Speaker 2: go to a HBCU because the world is not HBCU.

231
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,240
Speaker 2: The world is not all black. You have to learn

232
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,680
Speaker 2: how to interact with and deal with people of all

233
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,719
Speaker 2: different races and genders and sexist and classes. So you

234
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,800
Speaker 2: can't just limit yourself by going to an HBCU. And

235
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,520
Speaker 2: here I am regretting every minute that I didn't get

236
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,760
Speaker 2: to go jump up in a drum line, because you know,

237
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,720
Speaker 2: I missed out on that experience and that culture. So

238
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:37,839
Speaker 2: it's a cultural thing, and it's definitely a socioeconomic thing

239
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,880
Speaker 2: that we are instilling in women and women that women

240
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,600
Speaker 2: particularly have to have their own and it's usually centered

241
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:48,720
Speaker 2: around not having to depend on a man for the

242
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,800
Speaker 2: things that you want and need, gotcha.

243
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:57,920
Speaker 1: So independence for me, when I have to think about

244
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:01,840
Speaker 1: just the music in general, right, think about scrubs bills.

245
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,000
Speaker 1: What used to be confusing for me, right was you

246
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,480
Speaker 1: got independent women, but then you got bills, bills, bills, right,

247
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,000
Speaker 1: So you want independence, but then you're asking if I

248
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,040
Speaker 1: can pay your bills? And then women are wondering why

249
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,360
Speaker 1: men are confused about what you want. As a woman,

250
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,840
Speaker 1: you understand what I'm saying. So when I think about

251
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,560
Speaker 1: like the confusing messages that are being sent to the

252
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,880
Speaker 1: youth or being sent to people, it makes me realize

253
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,559
Speaker 1: that we as a community of people have to actually

254
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:36,000
Speaker 1: start looking at the facts and not listening to what

255
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,000
Speaker 1: people are saying in the media. Right because other than music,

256
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,120
Speaker 1: now you have a group of podcasts, right and if

257
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,000
Speaker 1: you know, shout out dead as podcasts because I feel

258
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,760
Speaker 1: like we do a great job of trying to stay

259
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,280
Speaker 1: in our lane of what it is and not getting

260
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,160
Speaker 1: involved in a bunch of the bullshit. But if you

261
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,800
Speaker 1: open up your social media in this day and age,

262
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,800
Speaker 1: the first thing you see, depending on who you follow,

263
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,480
Speaker 1: is young black men and young black women arguing about

264
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,400
Speaker 1: who's that fault for the state of Black America. Right,

265
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:05,000
Speaker 1: And there's some argument that right, we love to argue it,

266
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,120
Speaker 1: and we love to argue about why black people aren't

267
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,960
Speaker 1: getting married, when in fact that's not even the truth.

268
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:15,160
Speaker 1: Black people are getting married at a higher rate today

269
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,640
Speaker 1: than they were in the seventies, two times more than

270
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,800
Speaker 1: they were in the seventies. So fifty years ago, black

271
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,280
Speaker 1: people weren't getting married at a rate as they were today.

272
00:13:23,559 --> 00:13:26,960
Speaker 1: But here we are arguing about something that's not even real.

273
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,680
Speaker 1: We're arguing about a narrative that's not real. And I

274
00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:32,720
Speaker 1: think a large part of that is how we communicate

275
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,920
Speaker 1: to one another what we're looking for. So, for example,

276
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:42,520
Speaker 1: when black men here independent women, they automatically assume that

277
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,000
Speaker 1: women are talking about I got all my degrees, I

278
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,480
Speaker 1: make all my money. I don't need you for anything,

279
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,280
Speaker 1: but I want you to pay all my bills because

280
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,120
Speaker 1: that's what you should be doing as a man. But

281
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,560
Speaker 1: just know that I don't need it, and if you're

282
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,800
Speaker 1: going to be with me in this relationship, you need

283
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,719
Speaker 1: to be paying all my bills. Why I keep on

284
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:04,120
Speaker 1: my money to myself when realistically that's not even the

285
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,960
Speaker 1: messaging that black women are trying to send to black men,

286
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:10,160
Speaker 1: and in reality, that's not how marriages are working. It's

287
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:15,240
Speaker 1: more about interdependence and not independence. And interdependence is extremely

288
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:18,880
Speaker 1: different because that's a person. And since we're talking about

289
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:21,400
Speaker 1: women and interdependence, that is a woman coming to be

290
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,520
Speaker 1: a part of a team, which means you depend on me,

291
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:29,040
Speaker 1: but I also depend on you. That's what creates a marriage,

292
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,360
Speaker 1: that's what creates the team aspect, being of service to

293
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,120
Speaker 1: each other. And if you look at some of these

294
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:38,120
Speaker 1: facts and stats right In twenty eighteen, researchers surveyed over

295
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,240
Speaker 1: twelve hundred single and married women between thirty to forty

296
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:45,320
Speaker 1: five years old. Forty four percent of single women respond

297
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:48,120
Speaker 1: is ranked living on their own as the number one priority.

298
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:52,720
Speaker 1: Thirty four percent ranked establishing a career as their top priority,

299
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:56,680
Speaker 1: so that's number two. Twenty seven ranked financial security as

300
00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,560
Speaker 1: the most important, and then for single women, get married

301
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:04,120
Speaker 1: was the number one priority for only twenty percent, which

302
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,160
Speaker 1: means it still wasn't even that high, but it was.

303
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,960
Speaker 1: And then it says followed by twelve percent said getting

304
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,440
Speaker 1: a promotion at work in ten percent who said moving

305
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,200
Speaker 1: to a new state and or a community.

306
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,120
Speaker 2: I'm surprised that living on their own is the number

307
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:20,680
Speaker 2: one priority, but I guess living in their own I

308
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,720
Speaker 2: guess that again speaks to being independent, right, having your own.

309
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,200
Speaker 2: That's the little phase of life that I said I

310
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,320
Speaker 2: missed out on was having that moment where I just

311
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,480
Speaker 2: felt like, man, I can do this on my own,

312
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,640
Speaker 2: and taking pride in that and being able to be

313
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,320
Speaker 2: self sufficient and sustain a lifestyle that you want for yourself,

314
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,160
Speaker 2: or also being able to say, you know what, because

315
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,440
Speaker 2: I went from from my parents' house essentially to yours,

316
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,400
Speaker 2: and I never had a moment where I could be like, well,

317
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,120
Speaker 2: you know what, we ain't getting along right now, you

318
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,160
Speaker 2: go back to your place, because I, you know, can

319
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,320
Speaker 2: be the ruler of what happens here because it's my place.

320
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,240
Speaker 2: So I think that speaks to the idea of women

321
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,560
Speaker 2: wanting to be independent in that sense where there's not

322
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,280
Speaker 2: a reliance on anyone or anything.

323
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,200
Speaker 1: Which I understand. But you know what also crazy here

324
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,160
Speaker 1: to me when I look at this right it says

325
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,320
Speaker 1: thirty four percent rank establishing a career as a top priority,

326
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,560
Speaker 1: but then twenty seven ranked financial security. So more women

327
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,800
Speaker 1: were looking to establish a career than be financially secure,

328
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:16,360
Speaker 1: which means they're more focused on the titles. Yeap, titles

329
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,720
Speaker 1: are important. Titles are a number.

330
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,120
Speaker 2: Of people who I know now that may not even

331
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:27,880
Speaker 2: have you know, large salaries that they're making, but can

332
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,760
Speaker 2: tell you how many masters and doctorate degrees they have

333
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:33,760
Speaker 2: just to have them.

334
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,280
Speaker 1: So this is the crazy part.

335
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,480
Speaker 2: Like lifelong students.

336
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,640
Speaker 1: Checking that out just because black women and I'm reading this,

337
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,800
Speaker 1: it's part of another study. Just because Black women are

338
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,720
Speaker 1: more likely to graduate from college than their male counterparts

339
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:49,320
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they out earn Black men. Actually, black

340
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,480
Speaker 1: men are more likely than Black women to bring home

341
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:55,160
Speaker 1: at least seventy five thousand dollars annually. Also, double the

342
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,200
Speaker 1: number of black men than women make at least two

343
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:02,280
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty thousand dollars annually. Because the pervasive gender

344
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,280
Speaker 1: gaps and income, black men remain the bread winners in

345
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,639
Speaker 1: the black community. So the reason why I bring this

346
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:11,200
Speaker 1: up is because if you hear a lot of these

347
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:15,520
Speaker 1: conversations happen on social media, right, the first thing that

348
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,680
Speaker 1: women may argue younger women and I'm going to say

349
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,320
Speaker 1: younger women because and I'm going to say younger, more

350
00:17:21,359 --> 00:17:27,080
Speaker 1: immature women, because the more mature wise women aren't having

351
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:27,840
Speaker 1: these conversations.

352
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,919
Speaker 2: I don't think this is our generation. It's not and

353
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:33,280
Speaker 2: our generation. If anything, I have had rev relations since

354
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,520
Speaker 2: their twenties, Yes, because they definitely shared some of the

355
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,760
Speaker 2: mindset of the women nowadays who are in their twenties.

356
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,359
Speaker 2: Then I can be a testimony to that I was

357
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,879
Speaker 2: a very immature twenty seven year old when Developed presented

358
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:46,600
Speaker 2: me with do you want the wedding or the house?

359
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,400
Speaker 2: And I was like, I want both, and you think

360
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:49,760
Speaker 2: you have to pick one and I might give me

361
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,560
Speaker 2: the day, And you know, there were just so many

362
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,600
Speaker 2: different things that now I'm looking at through a completely

363
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:55,359
Speaker 2: different lens.

364
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:59,240
Speaker 1: And it's not just women who are falling victim to this,

365
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:04,719
Speaker 1: because men oftentimes find themselves being intimidated and defensive when

366
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:08,359
Speaker 1: they hear a woman has degrees, not realizing that you

367
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,439
Speaker 1: can still earn a high income without the degrees. So

368
00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:14,520
Speaker 1: then a lot of these young immature men are starting

369
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,240
Speaker 1: to lash out at women with degrees, saying things like,

370
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,000
Speaker 1: and I've listened to some of these podcasts, or you

371
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:21,840
Speaker 1: think you better me just because you got a degree,

372
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:27,800
Speaker 1: and I'm just like, no, she's listing what she's accomplished.

373
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,360
Speaker 1: You may feel a way because she may has accomplished,

374
00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:34,640
Speaker 1: she may have accomplished more than you academically. So now

375
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:38,120
Speaker 1: because you feel a way, you're projecting your insecurity on her.

376
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,879
Speaker 1: And y'all are arguing about something that doesn't even correlate

377
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,080
Speaker 1: to what brings money into the household. Because black men

378
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:48,679
Speaker 1: are still the breadwinners in our community, which I like

379
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,359
Speaker 1: to point this out because a lot of these arguments

380
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:55,920
Speaker 1: aren't rooted in truth, facts or numbers. They're rooted in emotion,

381
00:18:56,040 --> 00:19:00,080
Speaker 1: they're rooted in insecurity, and they're also rooted in youth. Well,

382
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,560
Speaker 1: I can't blame a young twenty year old or mid

383
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:05,119
Speaker 1: twenty year old person for having these feelings and emotions.

384
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,960
Speaker 1: And I'm glad you brought that up because we've had

385
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,480
Speaker 1: plenty of friends over the last ten years who in

386
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:13,560
Speaker 1: their twenties got married and was preaching one thing, oh man,

387
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,919
Speaker 1: and then now they're in their thirties and they're either divorced, remarried,

388
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:21,840
Speaker 1: or looking and their outlook on life is completely different.

389
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,960
Speaker 2: A lot of my you know, female counterparts who were

390
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,639
Speaker 2: like down't need it, don't need it for that I

391
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,720
Speaker 2: can walk away, I don't go to I don't got

392
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:34,679
Speaker 2: to are lonely and looking for somebody again because that

393
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:38,199
Speaker 2: single life just wasn't doing it for them, you know,

394
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,880
Speaker 2: and that person who they were with, you know, definitely

395
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,200
Speaker 2: was not their person in that you know, like very

396
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,560
Speaker 2: well within their right to walk away from a relationship

397
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:50,359
Speaker 2: that that no longer serve them. However, quickly realized that,

398
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,680
Speaker 2: like man, I do want to be interdependent with someone.

399
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,359
Speaker 2: I don't want to be the independent woman that I

400
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:57,879
Speaker 2: thought I wanted to be. I just was in the

401
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,600
Speaker 2: relationship that was stifling me and whatever a way, shape

402
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:05,040
Speaker 2: or form. So the recognizing of that, I think, is

403
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:08,359
Speaker 2: where the tide starts to shift. And like you said,

404
00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:09,960
Speaker 2: it comes with maturity, for sure.

405
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,199
Speaker 1: For sure. So let's check out some more stats. In

406
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:15,320
Speaker 1: nineteen seventy, thirty five point six percent of Black women

407
00:20:15,359 --> 00:20:18,320
Speaker 1: and twenty seven point seven percent of black men and

408
00:20:18,359 --> 00:20:21,240
Speaker 1: twenty seven point seven percent of Black women were never married.

409
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:25,199
Speaker 1: But by twenty twenty, these percentages have had jumped to

410
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,920
Speaker 1: fifty one point four percent of Black men and forty

411
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:32,840
Speaker 1: seven percent for Black women. So Black women are almost

412
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,280
Speaker 1: getting married at twice the rate as they were in

413
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,600
Speaker 1: the seventies. While the percentage of all adults who were

414
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,720
Speaker 1: never married increased by seven point six percent percentage points

415
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,080
Speaker 1: for men and seven point nine percentage points for women,

416
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,639
Speaker 1: the corresponding change for Black adults was more than double that,

417
00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:52,880
Speaker 1: at fifteen point eight percent points for men and nineteen

418
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,520
Speaker 1: point eight for women.

419
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,879
Speaker 2: Wow, so there's still value in marriage for Black people. Absolutely,

420
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,280
Speaker 2: there's definitely right. You let a couple people say it,

421
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,360
Speaker 2: or if you find a couple people around a mic

422
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,760
Speaker 2: doing a podcast, they'll be like, no, you know, but

423
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:09,919
Speaker 2: you cannot isolate the idea or you cannot generalize the

424
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,120
Speaker 2: idea based off of just that.

425
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,520
Speaker 1: But there's a good point here. They said, while the

426
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,760
Speaker 1: percentage of people who never married were only seven point

427
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:23,840
Speaker 1: six percent for all adults, for men, it was fifteen

428
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:28,919
Speaker 1: point eight percent points for black men, right, which shows you,

429
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,040
Speaker 1: even though we're less of the population, there's a higher

430
00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:34,959
Speaker 1: rate of Black men who are not getting married. But

431
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:40,040
Speaker 1: there are also there are also mitigating factors to these numbers, right,

432
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,560
Speaker 1: for example, And I know people hate when you bring

433
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,760
Speaker 1: up these things, but this is the truth. Institutional and

434
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:51,439
Speaker 1: systemic racism, incarceration, right, the inability to get access to

435
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:55,320
Speaker 1: resources to marry properly. For example, it costs money to

436
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,880
Speaker 1: get married, and if you're constantly pushed in a state

437
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:01,439
Speaker 1: of poverty, it's a lot more difficult to legally get married.

438
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,720
Speaker 1: So a lot of those numbers are correlated to what

439
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,800
Speaker 1: we have to deal with as black people, for sure.

440
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,720
Speaker 1: But the bottom line is is this, more Black people

441
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:13,399
Speaker 1: are getting married than not, So this argument that black

442
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,359
Speaker 1: people don't value marriage and the black family is on

443
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:20,080
Speaker 1: the crisis, it's fake because there are more black people

444
00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:22,280
Speaker 1: getting married in the twenty twenties than there were in

445
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,919
Speaker 1: the nineteen seventies, and the nineteen seventies was considered a

446
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,520
Speaker 1: renaissance for black love and black empowerment, right after the

447
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,960
Speaker 1: civil rights moving in the late nineteen.

448
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,520
Speaker 2: Sixies for sure, and then the ability just to you know,

449
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:36,600
Speaker 2: enter into these kind of unions that became a thing,

450
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,640
Speaker 2: you see what I'm saying. And if you weren't that,

451
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:40,960
Speaker 2: or if you weren't you know, married by a certain age,

452
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,200
Speaker 2: it's like, well, what the hell's going on with you?

453
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:42,720
Speaker 1: Right?

454
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,760
Speaker 2: You know, because we still have grandparents and elders who

455
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,040
Speaker 2: look to people who are younger nowadays and be like, well,

456
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,080
Speaker 2: what's what's wrong with you? What's going on with such

457
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:52,320
Speaker 2: and such? He ain't found a way yet, went through

458
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,639
Speaker 2: so many chicks came in and out of here, and

459
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:54,840
Speaker 2: still don't find one yet.

460
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:59,840
Speaker 1: I think it's important, especially for this relationship, to discuss

461
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:05,439
Speaker 1: messaging because young kids are going to be swayed based

462
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,560
Speaker 1: on social media, not even so much mass media, but

463
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,520
Speaker 1: music and social media. And when you look at the

464
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:18,280
Speaker 1: arguments people are having, and people are arguing the exceptions,

465
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,600
Speaker 1: they're not arguing the rules.

466
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:25,600
Speaker 2: That's typically for shock values places.

467
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:29,800
Speaker 1: The idea that black women aren't desirable or desirable by

468
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,800
Speaker 1: black men, and black men don't love black women. Right,

469
00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:37,080
Speaker 1: the argument that black women don't value and don't respect

470
00:23:37,119 --> 00:23:40,800
Speaker 1: black men was all debunked as a lie because eighty

471
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,159
Speaker 1: five percent of the black men who are married in

472
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,119
Speaker 1: this country are married to black women.

473
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:46,119
Speaker 2: I believe it.

474
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,920
Speaker 1: And the crazy thing is people will then say, well,

475
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,920
Speaker 1: the more money a black man makes, the more likely

476
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 1: he is to marry outside of his race, which is

477
00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:57,040
Speaker 1: false because triple and I looked up. I think this

478
00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:00,160
Speaker 1: was four years ago. As black men made more money,

479
00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:03,440
Speaker 1: made over one hundred thousand, two hundred thousand, the rate

480
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:07,280
Speaker 1: that they hired black women was also higher, which I

481
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,719
Speaker 1: also want to point out because this argument that we

482
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,720
Speaker 1: don't respect and don't love and don't honor each other

483
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,280
Speaker 1: is just not real. It's not true. It's just an

484
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:18,159
Speaker 1: argument that certain people in certain groups are having in

485
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,280
Speaker 1: because that argument is.

486
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:20,200
Speaker 2: The loudest, the loudest.

487
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,360
Speaker 1: Minority people are saying that that argument is what's happening,

488
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:24,840
Speaker 1: and it's truly not.

489
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,440
Speaker 2: People have to really learn to not take things to

490
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,680
Speaker 2: say at face value because for that reason, the loud

491
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,520
Speaker 2: minority is typically what it is, and they're the ones

492
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:34,919
Speaker 2: that are trying to create or have created, this narrative

493
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:37,760
Speaker 2: that people are completely bought into. And at this point

494
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,680
Speaker 2: in the game, children who are wan't say children, but

495
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,240
Speaker 2: they people in their twenties, for example, I don't even

496
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,920
Speaker 2: know if they're equipped to be able to debunk any

497
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,439
Speaker 2: of that at all, you know. So that's why you

498
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:52,000
Speaker 2: know you're not having a podcast like this or platforms

499
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,840
Speaker 2: like black Love and things like that. They're so necessary

500
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,480
Speaker 2: for us to be able to say, Hey, guys, just

501
00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,680
Speaker 2: think about it from this perspective for a second.

502
00:24:58,760 --> 00:24:59,720
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up to I have a

503
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:00,439
Speaker 1: question for you.

504
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, do you.

505
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:07,000
Speaker 1: Believe oh this is actually a great question. Trouble, do

506
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:11,920
Speaker 1: you believe a woman can be both independent and interdependent?

507
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:16,040
Speaker 2: You're looking at her absolutely, I mean, why could you not?

508
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,879
Speaker 2: The thing I think that is the key factor for

509
00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 2: being both independent and interdependent is having a spouse who

510
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:23,280
Speaker 2: empowers you. Wait.

511
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:26,560
Speaker 1: Wait, wait, that's the next question. Don't go into that.

512
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,520
Speaker 1: That's the next question. Don't go into that. How can

513
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,480
Speaker 1: a woman don't don't I want to ask that question next.

514
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,680
Speaker 1: I want to give you right because I also want

515
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,960
Speaker 1: to ask because that question is next. But how can

516
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,000
Speaker 1: a woman prepare to be independent before they even get

517
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,399
Speaker 1: before they even get to a spouse because you said

518
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,440
Speaker 1: finding a spouse boom, But how can a woman prepare

519
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:47,679
Speaker 1: to be both independent and interdependent?

520
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:49,840
Speaker 2: I think I was about to say, it's a mindset

521
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,040
Speaker 2: she has already already be brought into. You have to

522
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,560
Speaker 2: know that I've already done X, y Z to get

523
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:57,000
Speaker 2: to this point in my career. If that's something that

524
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 2: you desire, you know, whatever title it is that you're

525
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,840
Speaker 2: looking to have, however many degrees you're able to have,

526
00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,399
Speaker 2: you need to do that on your own, and if anything,

527
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,280
Speaker 2: nothing more than to prove to yourself that you were

528
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:08,439
Speaker 2: able to do it, but also knowing and that's the

529
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,679
Speaker 2: independent part of it, but also knowing that you do

530
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,720
Speaker 2: aspire to share this with someone. I'm not doing all

531
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,800
Speaker 2: of this just for myself or I aspire to have children.

532
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,720
Speaker 2: So therefore, by being independent and being self sufficient, now

533
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,720
Speaker 2: I can find someone who is of equally yoked. Right

534
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,600
Speaker 2: that can then add to that and we can then

535
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,480
Speaker 2: be interdependent on each other to then build this life

536
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:30,119
Speaker 2: even further.

537
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:33,640
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, I got that. Okay, the next one. Right,

538
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:38,480
Speaker 1: Do you believe that men in general are truly interdependent

539
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:39,440
Speaker 1: in relationships?

540
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,560
Speaker 2: Do I think that men are truly interdependent in relationships

541
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:48,840
Speaker 2: in general? In general? I would say, well, my example

542
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,960
Speaker 2: is thinking about like, I don't think, for example, men

543
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,879
Speaker 2: men have to want to be in a relationship to

544
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,600
Speaker 2: be interdependent, because I feel like anybody, man or woman

545
00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:00,840
Speaker 2: can be self sufficient on that eily, So the desire

546
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:05,199
Speaker 2: has to be for the man to desire interdependency. Do

547
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,080
Speaker 2: I want to share this with someone? Am I coming

548
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:11,760
Speaker 2: along with someone for the ride of life? And that's

549
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:15,680
Speaker 2: when I think interdependency for men becomes an aspiration. There's

550
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:16,760
Speaker 2: some men that don't want that.

551
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:19,639
Speaker 1: I would say this as a man, I feel like

552
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:24,679
Speaker 1: men traditionally work to be interdependent. Everything we do is

553
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 1: based on team. We play sports is based on team

554
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,000
Speaker 1: with our friends, our friends groups, everything's based on team.

555
00:27:30,359 --> 00:27:35,280
Speaker 1: So we are traditionally bred to be interdependent. The issue

556
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,400
Speaker 1: is is gender.

557
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:42,439
Speaker 2: Roles right or romance? Being romantically involved with someone?

558
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:44,960
Speaker 1: No no, no, no no, not not romance. I mean as

559
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:48,360
Speaker 1: far as like interdependent means we're in a relationship, we

560
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:52,440
Speaker 1: work together. But the problem with men traditionally is that

561
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,600
Speaker 1: we then put gender roles on how we're going to

562
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,959
Speaker 1: be interdependent, which means, yeah, we're going to be interdependent,

563
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:00,760
Speaker 1: but I'm going to do all things a man is

564
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,119
Speaker 1: supposed to do, and you're supposed to do everything a

565
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:05,959
Speaker 1: woman is supposed to do, which means even if we

566
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,720
Speaker 1: want to be interdependent and you're you want to work,

567
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,239
Speaker 1: they're often a lot of times there are men who

568
00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:17,560
Speaker 1: become intimidated, especially if their women values their women values

569
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,680
Speaker 1: work in that moment more than being at home. Okay,

570
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:23,240
Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying that. So it's like we

571
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,760
Speaker 1: are willing to be interdependent, but then we want interdependence

572
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,960
Speaker 1: to look the way we traditionally want it to look.

573
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:31,800
Speaker 1: And I think that's where the disconnect has happened between

574
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:37,400
Speaker 1: men and women. Because this change also comes socioeconomically, right.

575
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 1: More women have been infused into the workplace as we

576
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:44,520
Speaker 1: need more dual income householmes over the last fifty years,

577
00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:48,720
Speaker 1: which means more women have to work, like they just

578
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,400
Speaker 1: have to work. So since more women have to work,

579
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:55,600
Speaker 1: more men are saying you see what I'm saying. So

580
00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:58,400
Speaker 1: it's like a woman is like, if I have to work,

581
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:00,480
Speaker 1: I'm going to do something I love, going to find

582
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,840
Speaker 1: a career. Then they get engrossed in their career, and

583
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 1: then a man feels like, wait a minute, we're supposed

584
00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:06,920
Speaker 1: to do this together. You were supposed to take a

585
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:08,560
Speaker 1: break to do this while I do this. And then

586
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:12,320
Speaker 1: she's like, wait a minute, my career doesn't say that

587
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:13,920
Speaker 1: I can take a break right now while you want

588
00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:15,480
Speaker 1: me to take the break. Maybe kids can wait a

589
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,920
Speaker 1: little bit. Then it's like, I don't want to wait

590
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:19,320
Speaker 1: on kids. I want to have kids right now. And

591
00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 1: that's where the conflict comes in because the interdependence is

592
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:27,280
Speaker 1: there from men, but we oftentimes try to control dependent.

593
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:29,720
Speaker 2: And that's so that's why you jumped in when I

594
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:32,120
Speaker 2: said what I said, because you empower me to be

595
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:36,400
Speaker 2: independent within this interdependent relationship. Yes, right, No, I can

596
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:37,960
Speaker 2: see that as a as a as a way, but

597
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:39,760
Speaker 2: I feel like also too, a lot of men are

598
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 2: just not rushing into being interdependent, like they don't necessarily

599
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:45,680
Speaker 2: want when I said being romantically involved, like you have

600
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,840
Speaker 2: to romantically want to be involved with someone to then

601
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 2: choose to be in a relationship, which is in turn dependent.

602
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,480
Speaker 2: A lot of men are not necessarily desiring that for

603
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,880
Speaker 2: that reason. They just don't want to have to be.

604
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,320
Speaker 1: Locked down, lockdown Like for them, it's like I don't

605
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:03,040
Speaker 1: want to relinquish any control, you know, like for us,

606
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,640
Speaker 1: we weren't. This is another thing that we haven't discussed

607
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:12,320
Speaker 1: is how young ladies are conditioned to receive or find romance.

608
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:15,480
Speaker 1: Right for women, it's like I have to be chosen,

609
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,040
Speaker 1: you know, I have to sit down, wait, be dainty,

610
00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:20,200
Speaker 1: be chosen. For a man, it's like I can go

611
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:21,760
Speaker 1: out and content her. I can go pick and choose,

612
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:24,240
Speaker 1: pick and choes try, try, try, pick and choose. But

613
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:28,920
Speaker 1: if a woman tries to be chosen with a multiple people,

614
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:32,560
Speaker 1: then she's labeled. So it's almost like dang, I as

615
00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,280
Speaker 1: a woman, if I'm a woman, don't even have the

616
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:37,120
Speaker 1: same opportunity to find a mate to be interdependent with.

617
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 1: I have to hope the right mate chooses me. And

618
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:43,880
Speaker 1: I think that's where there's also a conflict between men

619
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,200
Speaker 1: and women because women are like nowadays, women are like

620
00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:49,440
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna sit back and just let you walk

621
00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:51,520
Speaker 1: by with all of these different people if I want

622
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 1: to see something, I'm gonna go get it on my own,

623
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:55,600
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And to be honest, I

624
00:30:55,640 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 1: think that's where the independence comes with the interdependent intered.

625
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:02,440
Speaker 1: You were always wanted to be The minute we met

626
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 1: and you said, what do you want to do with

627
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:05,920
Speaker 1: your life? You said how we going to get there? Yeah,

628
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:09,000
Speaker 1: you were always going to be interdependent, but you was

629
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 1: independent in the fact that you were like, I'm not

630
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,720
Speaker 1: going to sit back and wait to be chosen. I'm

631
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:15,160
Speaker 1: gonna go out there and get what i want from

632
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,320
Speaker 1: my career, get what I want from my love life.

633
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 1: And I feel like that is the new recipe for

634
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,480
Speaker 1: the modern woman. And that's why, you know, we started

635
00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:25,880
Speaker 1: off with independence versus interdependence. I don't think that there

636
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 1: is a and that's why I'm glad when I read

637
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 1: this question. I don't think that there is a choose

638
00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:32,560
Speaker 1: one or the other.

639
00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:35,720
Speaker 2: Right. That's where soft life became became a thing. You

640
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:38,600
Speaker 2: hear people talk about soft women just like soft life

641
00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:41,680
Speaker 2: me like, I'm no longer subscribing to team No Sleep.

642
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:45,480
Speaker 2: I'm not subscribing to independent women. Throw your hands up

643
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,920
Speaker 2: at no, I'm not doing that. I want the soft life.

644
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 2: How do you get achieve the selt life? Essentially, most

645
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:54,240
Speaker 2: people want the self by being able to offload some things,

646
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:57,440
Speaker 2: sometimes onto a partner, so that way I can have

647
00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:01,240
Speaker 2: those soft moments. That's not the rhetoric that was being

648
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:04,600
Speaker 2: spilled to me, like my mother been doing like softly.

649
00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:06,719
Speaker 2: What does that even? What does that even mean? What

650
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,480
Speaker 2: does that look like? You need to be a go getter,

651
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:10,440
Speaker 2: You need to be ambitious, you know, And naturally that's

652
00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:12,760
Speaker 2: what drew you to me though that you didn't look

653
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:14,520
Speaker 2: at me and be like, oh, well, she's just somebody

654
00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:17,280
Speaker 2: who's gonna sit back and chill. She's somebody who's going

655
00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:19,360
Speaker 2: to get all the things that she wants, and she

656
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:20,840
Speaker 2: would make a dope ass partner.

657
00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:22,880
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up because I'm about to

658
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:27,000
Speaker 1: debunk something that people often say. I'm a debunker because

659
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,480
Speaker 1: this is be annoying the fuck out of me. But

660
00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:32,480
Speaker 1: this is the this is like the worst take I've

661
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:37,479
Speaker 1: ever seen. I've seen so many men and women, black, white,

662
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:44,640
Speaker 1: all say this, men are intimidated by strong, go getting women.

663
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:48,239
Speaker 1: That is not true. Take a look at all of

664
00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:52,280
Speaker 1: the men in my life who are married, my parents

665
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:57,440
Speaker 1: generation and our generation. All of those men seek out

666
00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:01,640
Speaker 1: women who were strong go getters to help build a life.

667
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:02,800
Speaker 2: True, very true.

668
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:06,240
Speaker 1: Think about and the ones that we know who had

669
00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:10,320
Speaker 1: women who were like kind of meek, and then they

670
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:15,000
Speaker 1: did not last They didn't like. Think of all of

671
00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:17,280
Speaker 1: the women in my life. Think of all of the

672
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 1: women in your life. Think of all of our friends.

673
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:22,040
Speaker 1: All of our friends are married to women who are

674
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:25,840
Speaker 1: strong go getters. Every man that I know who is

675
00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:28,360
Speaker 1: with a woman that dad was like, that could be

676
00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:30,200
Speaker 1: my wife, said that that could be my wife because

677
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,560
Speaker 1: they all said this, now she'd be going to getting it.

678
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:39,560
Speaker 1: So this idea that a strong, intelligent, go getting black

679
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:43,040
Speaker 1: women are not desirable is also fake. It's not a

680
00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:43,800
Speaker 1: real narrative.

681
00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:46,280
Speaker 2: But is it? Is it intimidating for a man who

682
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:47,480
Speaker 2: may not have his shit together?

683
00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 1: It is? It is. But let's be real, though, why

684
00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:53,960
Speaker 1: are you, as a strong, independent go getting black women,

685
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:59,280
Speaker 1: seeking the company of an insecure meek man.

686
00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:02,520
Speaker 2: Because you might be dropping good, big go off who

687
00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:06,239
Speaker 2: knows the reasons? You know.

688
00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,520
Speaker 1: We saw the other meme to be quite mean, right,

689
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:10,600
Speaker 1: We saw a meme that said broke niggas give the

690
00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:15,319
Speaker 1: best dick so here you have a lot of you

691
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:17,000
Speaker 1: have a lot of women who have their own make

692
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:19,920
Speaker 1: their own money, who only see men for what they

693
00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:22,960
Speaker 1: can provide in that moment, which is sex. But you

694
00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:26,480
Speaker 1: keep choosing the same type of man and then using

695
00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:29,200
Speaker 1: that as your litmus test for how all men? Because

696
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:31,920
Speaker 1: you keep choosing the same type of insecure.

697
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:33,719
Speaker 2: Men and then complaining about it and saying it's all

698
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:36,920
Speaker 2: men and welcoming us to your ted talk that then

699
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:40,480
Speaker 2: becomes a podcast that then becomes the loud minorities.

700
00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:44,640
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. Yeah, it's the same way

701
00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:49,960
Speaker 1: men who are insecure who don't want a strong woman

702
00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:53,400
Speaker 1: will date a woman like that and use them as

703
00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:54,920
Speaker 1: an example, like, see, it didn't work out with us

704
00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:57,439
Speaker 1: because she was doing this. You keep dating the wrong

705
00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:59,879
Speaker 1: type of women, my guy, And then when you get

706
00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:01,440
Speaker 1: a women like you said you asked for, I just

707
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 1: want women to be quiet, let me be a man.

708
00:35:03,719 --> 00:35:07,440
Speaker 1: You know what they call them women gold diggers to

709
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:08,320
Speaker 1: think about it.

710
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:10,759
Speaker 2: Gold diggers or it's like, nah, I'm a married this

711
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,080
Speaker 2: girl because you know she a little younger. I could

712
00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:15,120
Speaker 2: train her to be what I needed to be. And

713
00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:17,560
Speaker 2: then it don't work out because you know.

714
00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:20,880
Speaker 1: See, I'm not gonna lie to you that whole. I

715
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 1: don't think that training thing is a fake too. It's

716
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,239
Speaker 1: because I'm gonna say it's fake because younger women are

717
00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:28,600
Speaker 1: allowed to say they they older men so they can learn.

718
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:30,640
Speaker 1: They say that all the time. I can't. I can't

719
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:32,879
Speaker 1: date niggas my age, the niggas my names, don't know shit.

720
00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:34,520
Speaker 1: I want to learn from an older man. But then

721
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:38,000
Speaker 1: if an older man says he likes dating younger women

722
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:39,920
Speaker 1: because they're more malleable, women get upset.

723
00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:44,680
Speaker 2: They were dragging Marcus Houston. I know, well he had

724
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 2: married his wife young, she was young or something.

725
00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,759
Speaker 1: They were dragging him, I believe, because they say this

726
00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:52,479
Speaker 1: is all speculation. We don't know. They were saying that

727
00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:55,239
Speaker 1: he groomed her or something like that from time she

728
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:58,200
Speaker 1: was thirteen, like they met that because they were saying

729
00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:00,880
Speaker 1: that she they got married when she was she was nineteen,

730
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:02,960
Speaker 1: but he was in his thirties and he knew her

731
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:06,839
Speaker 1: for years before that, so they're saying it is that grooming. Now,

732
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:08,520
Speaker 1: we don't know those people, so I'm not going to

733
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:10,760
Speaker 1: give an opinion on what that is. But the truth

734
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:13,799
Speaker 1: of the matter is, if you met a woman who

735
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 1: was under the age of eighteen, and y'all were friends

736
00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:19,239
Speaker 1: for all that time and then you get married the

737
00:36:19,239 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 1: minute they come become of age. It does seem like

738
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:25,120
Speaker 1: you were praying on them when you were more mature

739
00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 1: enough to tell them what they needed to hear. That's

740
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:28,719
Speaker 1: what it looks like. Like. You can say what you

741
00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:31,040
Speaker 1: want to say, but that's literally what it looks like.

742
00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 1: I mean, they said the same thing about what's his

743
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:37,239
Speaker 1: name who married Kimora Lee? Oh yeah, Russell Simmons. Like

744
00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:40,120
Speaker 1: Kimora Lee was extremely young. He had first met her

745
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:42,160
Speaker 1: when she was a model, when she was fourteen, and

746
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,879
Speaker 1: a lot of people said that he was grooming her

747
00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:44,960
Speaker 1: to become his wife.

748
00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:48,440
Speaker 2: Maybe not grooming per se, but also like just you know,

749
00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:50,200
Speaker 2: you know the person, you have a relationship where you

750
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:52,359
Speaker 2: see him in passing for years and then finally when

751
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:54,400
Speaker 2: it makes sense it can be when they're older.

752
00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:56,560
Speaker 1: Absolutely I get it. I mean we don't know the

753
00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:58,920
Speaker 1: terms of their engagement or when they met, so that's

754
00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:00,880
Speaker 1: why I don't like to give judgment on that. But

755
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:03,080
Speaker 1: based on what people are saying with the age of

756
00:37:03,080 --> 00:37:06,080
Speaker 1: Marcus Houston, it was that it wasn't just that because

757
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:07,879
Speaker 1: she was young. It was how long they knew each

758
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:11,200
Speaker 1: other beforehand, and gotcha, she got married with nineteen plus.

759
00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:16,960
Speaker 1: I mean it's going to sound crazy, right, it's going

760
00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:19,840
Speaker 1: to sound crazy. But if you're a young lady and

761
00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:23,080
Speaker 1: you want to learn about life, right, would you be

762
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:25,280
Speaker 1: with another nineteen year old immature person?

763
00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:27,200
Speaker 2: Right? I mean you can look at it that way.

764
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:29,640
Speaker 2: I mean I was with a guy who is my age,

765
00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:32,799
Speaker 2: and I think I feel like we're very much part

766
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:35,200
Speaker 2: of the anomaly group. Not many are like us, but

767
00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:37,760
Speaker 2: absolutely yeah. And they were just together, we worked together,

768
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:39,080
Speaker 2: and we were a little bit more mature in our

769
00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:39,879
Speaker 2: mindset from early.

770
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,920
Speaker 1: But you were also go getter though, and you're also independent,

771
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:43,319
Speaker 1: and I.

772
00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:46,719
Speaker 2: Saw that you were goal getter too, and you were

773
00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:49,280
Speaker 2: working towards something in itself was enough.

774
00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:51,319
Speaker 1: It would have been way different though, if you were

775
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:53,799
Speaker 1: nineteen saying soft life me, I'm just going to sit

776
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:55,799
Speaker 1: here and wait, you know what I'm saying. That's why

777
00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,680
Speaker 1: I feel like the independent aspect of a woman can't

778
00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:01,680
Speaker 1: be lost. You can't just say soft life me, I'm

779
00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:02,480
Speaker 1: chilling and waiting for.

780
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:03,880
Speaker 2: Someone to take care of me, or you can't just

781
00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:06,600
Speaker 2: aspire that be interdependent when you don't necessarily bring.

782
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:12,160
Speaker 1: Bringing me to table. Yeah, you see what I'm saying

783
00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:15,400
Speaker 1: to me. I think that's what the modern woman looks like.

784
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:18,319
Speaker 1: And why why it would be desirable for a man

785
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:23,080
Speaker 1: who's choosing also interdependent is because I like the fact

786
00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:29,040
Speaker 1: that when I when I retired from the NFL officially, Yo,

787
00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:31,239
Speaker 1: if you gonna get this job and you get insurance,

788
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:34,920
Speaker 1: I can focus on this while you do that. You

789
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,839
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying that that little bit of break well, wife,

790
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:40,080
Speaker 1: he's gonna get us insurance. I was like, how much

791
00:38:40,080 --> 00:38:42,400
Speaker 1: money you're gonna be making? Okay, you hold on to that.

792
00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:46,280
Speaker 1: If I need that at any point as as extra income,

793
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:49,400
Speaker 1: I'll hit you. It felt good to be able to

794
00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:51,120
Speaker 1: have that from my wife, but I know it also

795
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:53,480
Speaker 1: felt good as a woman to be able to be like, Okay.

796
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:55,040
Speaker 2: I'm holding it down for the family right now.

797
00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:55,919
Speaker 1: I love you know what I'm saying.

798
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:57,560
Speaker 2: I love that for us. Yeah, you know it was

799
00:38:57,560 --> 00:38:59,839
Speaker 2: a great time because we were able to offload certain things.

800
00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:03,239
Speaker 2: Plate Like what's better than not having somebody that you

801
00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:06,040
Speaker 2: can say, hey, i'm having an issue with this, let

802
00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:08,160
Speaker 2: me upfload this real quick. So I could focus on

803
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:11,480
Speaker 2: that while you focus on this. Yep, like it's teamwork, baby,

804
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:14,080
Speaker 2: absolute teamwork. All right, let's go take a quick break

805
00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:17,840
Speaker 2: and get into these listen letters. After we get into ads,

806
00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:31,000
Speaker 2: we'll be back. All right, now we're back listening letter time.

807
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:34,319
Speaker 2: I go ahead and start can devout. First off, let

808
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:36,680
Speaker 2: me start by saying, I absolutely love watching your videos

809
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:39,480
Speaker 2: and seeing how you interact with your beautiful family. Thank you.

810
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:41,840
Speaker 1: All right, So boom from New York. When I say

811
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:42,960
Speaker 1: so bomb, so.

812
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:46,560
Speaker 2: Boom with two eyes. I'm a thirty year old single

813
00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:49,160
Speaker 2: mother of two very handsome boys, two and seven. Early

814
00:39:49,239 --> 00:39:51,080
Speaker 2: last year, I moved myself and my boys from the

815
00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:54,800
Speaker 2: East Coast to Arizona alone. I've just been promoted to

816
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:57,240
Speaker 2: manager for my company. I'm having a hard time finding

817
00:39:57,280 --> 00:40:00,399
Speaker 2: a great work life balance about feeling like I'm out.

818
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:03,520
Speaker 2: I barely have any help from their fathers. Yeah, it's

819
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:08,760
Speaker 2: two bozos. I know I'm already judging myself, and none

820
00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:11,320
Speaker 2: of my family is here. They are in school and daycare.

821
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:12,960
Speaker 2: But I feel like when I get home from work,

822
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:15,320
Speaker 2: I literally only have enough energy to cook dinner and

823
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 2: prepare everyone for the next day school and work. I

824
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:21,319
Speaker 2: am off weekends but spend most of the day in bed,

825
00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:23,839
Speaker 2: sleep or going to do my hair as I'm a

826
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:28,200
Speaker 2: license or doing here as I'm a licensed cosmetologist. I

827
00:40:28,239 --> 00:40:30,760
Speaker 2: recently put my actual business on the back burner because

828
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:33,600
Speaker 2: it was too much to juggle work, kids, doing here,

829
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,080
Speaker 2: and running my business. I know they say it takes

830
00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:37,799
Speaker 2: a village, but how do I balance it all when

831
00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:40,080
Speaker 2: I'm the only person in this village? Girl, I don't

832
00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:42,840
Speaker 2: know who. As a mother, I want to be fully

833
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,040
Speaker 2: there and active for my boys, but their entire everything

834
00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 2: falls on me and me alone, and I don't and

835
00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:52,439
Speaker 2: don't get into get Oh sorry, I'm sorry, y'all. Don't

836
00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:55,279
Speaker 2: get me into dating that's non existent as well. I

837
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:57,680
Speaker 2: guess my real question is what tips do you guys

838
00:40:57,800 --> 00:41:02,160
Speaker 2: have that I can to avoid burnout and also ensure

839
00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:06,000
Speaker 2: that everything is done even though it's only one person. Sincerely,

840
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:07,359
Speaker 2: a tired soul.

841
00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:10,239
Speaker 1: This is easy. I've been doing this for Prototype. This

842
00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:12,880
Speaker 1: is easy. You have to find people in the village

843
00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:15,520
Speaker 1: that you may not be related to. Think about Prototype,

844
00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:17,120
Speaker 1: how many kids we had in our house because those

845
00:41:17,120 --> 00:41:19,040
Speaker 1: were single moms and sometimes the kids need to be

846
00:41:19,080 --> 00:41:19,480
Speaker 1: picked up.

847
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:20,080
Speaker 2: True.

848
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:22,040
Speaker 1: Then you got Coach Dval coming to pick you up.

849
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:23,880
Speaker 1: You got coach Brian coming to pick you up. You

850
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:27,280
Speaker 1: got coach Hannah, coach Courtney, like, there are so many

851
00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:30,840
Speaker 1: willing enable men in these communities who are committed to

852
00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:33,480
Speaker 1: their community that will help you. Now you have to

853
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:36,680
Speaker 1: use discernment and decide who is going to be around

854
00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:40,560
Speaker 1: your family, because you can't just have anybody around your kids.

855
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,280
Speaker 1: You can't just have strangers. You have to be smart

856
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,160
Speaker 1: enough to look around and see who you can trust

857
00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:46,759
Speaker 1: in who you can But the truth of the matter

858
00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:49,600
Speaker 1: is once you move to another location, you have to

859
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:52,840
Speaker 1: look around you and find like minds to help build

860
00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:56,480
Speaker 1: that family, Kadeina, and not do it here. We're in Atlanta.

861
00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:59,440
Speaker 1: We moved her mom and down, dad down. Yes that

862
00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:02,200
Speaker 1: does help, but there's still times where it's just like, hey,

863
00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:05,200
Speaker 1: our neighbor has three kids who are in the same

864
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:08,719
Speaker 1: basketball program. They can grab Jackson from basketball and it'll

865
00:42:08,719 --> 00:42:10,920
Speaker 1: give mom and dad or rest because we're away filming,

866
00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:13,080
Speaker 1: you know. So, so look in your community, in your

867
00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:14,960
Speaker 1: neighborhood and see if you can find some people to help.

868
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,160
Speaker 2: Let me tell you when I went to Jackson School

869
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:19,960
Speaker 2: for the sneak Peak night, it was the opening night.

870
00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:23,120
Speaker 2: I was about seven months pregnant with Koda, and I

871
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:25,799
Speaker 2: get there and there's parents there with their children and

872
00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:27,680
Speaker 2: I see you look at all the fifth graders and stuff,

873
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:30,279
Speaker 2: and I see this beautiful black family, you know, mom

874
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:32,640
Speaker 2: and dad, their son. And I was like, they look

875
00:42:32,719 --> 00:42:35,480
Speaker 2: like some nice people. So I literally went over to

876
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:37,800
Speaker 2: them and I was just like, hey, my name is Kadeen,

877
00:42:37,880 --> 00:42:40,480
Speaker 2: nice to meet you. They send it their hands sho hands. Hey,

878
00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:42,440
Speaker 2: I'm so and so I'm sooning so awesome. This is

879
00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:46,399
Speaker 2: my son, Jackson. We're new pretty much to Georgia. It's

880
00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:48,680
Speaker 2: be his first year here and we're looking with some

881
00:42:48,719 --> 00:42:50,719
Speaker 2: good people and y'all look like good people. So so

882
00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:53,359
Speaker 2: it's funny because to this day, every time that time

883
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:56,160
Speaker 2: of year rolls around, I'm like, y'all, it's our anniversary.

884
00:42:56,160 --> 00:42:58,240
Speaker 2: This when I bagged you, you know. And it's funny

885
00:42:58,239 --> 00:43:01,680
Speaker 2: because they've become such Jackson and this kid they're best friends. Now.

886
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:05,040
Speaker 2: The family has been amazing to us. They literally have

887
00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:07,399
Speaker 2: been like family here. They've spent Christmas here, I mean,

888
00:43:07,719 --> 00:43:10,879
Speaker 2: and it's nothing like finding like minded individuals who are

889
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:13,359
Speaker 2: in your community or in your neighborhood that you can

890
00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:17,239
Speaker 2: rely on so Sis, I don't know how you do

891
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:19,640
Speaker 2: it as a single mom, having the guts and the

892
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:23,400
Speaker 2: courage to move cross country with your boys alone. I

893
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:26,560
Speaker 2: could not imagine being the only one every time someone's

894
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:28,759
Speaker 2: calling for mom. And I know what it feels like

895
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:31,360
Speaker 2: when I miss a school event or miss a sporting

896
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:35,160
Speaker 2: event because of work. So it's virtually impossible for you

897
00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:38,359
Speaker 2: to duplicate yourself. You need to find some help and

898
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:40,319
Speaker 2: that's ultimately the only thing I think that will help

899
00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:43,440
Speaker 2: you here, to preserve yourself too in your mental So

900
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:45,480
Speaker 2: good luck to y'all. Hope it works out for you

901
00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:46,400
Speaker 2: out there in Arizona.

902
00:43:46,719 --> 00:43:50,600
Speaker 1: Facts number two, Hi de Vala Kadeen. I want to

903
00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:52,799
Speaker 1: start by saying that I freaking love y'all. We love

904
00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:55,760
Speaker 1: you too. Y'all are really my cousins in my head. Lol.

905
00:43:56,080 --> 00:43:58,160
Speaker 1: I actually never thought I would be writing in an

906
00:43:58,160 --> 00:44:00,600
Speaker 1: email because I'm sure y'all get so many mind may

907
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:04,080
Speaker 1: not even get read. However, after listening to the Coach

908
00:44:04,200 --> 00:44:06,400
Speaker 1: Daddy episode, I had to write in I'm a single

909
00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:09,640
Speaker 1: mom of two whole boys, ages thirteen and five. My

910
00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:12,960
Speaker 1: thirteen year old is a student athlete that plays basketball.

911
00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:15,120
Speaker 1: He's been playing since about eight and is a pretty

912
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:18,399
Speaker 1: skilled player for his age group. The issue is the attitude,

913
00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:21,800
Speaker 1: teaching how to control his emotions, attitude, the body language

914
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:24,160
Speaker 1: on the court has been challenging this last year. He

915
00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:26,400
Speaker 1: started his year off with a small injury that prevented

916
00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:28,719
Speaker 1: him from playing the first few games. He felt like

917
00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:30,960
Speaker 1: once he returned he was placed on the back burner

918
00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:33,759
Speaker 1: in it has caused him to be extremely frustrated. His

919
00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:37,120
Speaker 1: frustration turned into an emotion, and his emotion comes off

920
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:40,120
Speaker 1: as an attitude. This has impacted his relationship with his

921
00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:42,960
Speaker 1: coaches and his playing time. It's been a domino effect.

922
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:45,000
Speaker 1: As a single mom, I have to play both the

923
00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:48,080
Speaker 1: tough love role and the nurturer because I need there

924
00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:50,960
Speaker 1: to be a balance. He has coaches like Deval that

925
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:54,000
Speaker 1: just don't play and are really tough on him. I

926
00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:56,200
Speaker 1: know in your case with Jackson, by the way, I

927
00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:59,160
Speaker 1: have a Jackson two. Deval can give the tough love

928
00:44:59,520 --> 00:45:02,240
Speaker 1: because Kay can always be the safe place to land.

929
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:05,280
Speaker 1: How can I be both? You can always be both, baby.

930
00:45:05,440 --> 00:45:07,279
Speaker 1: I have to be both and Kay has to learn.

931
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:10,560
Speaker 1: I don't want to coddle him through this tough time. However,

932
00:45:10,600 --> 00:45:12,760
Speaker 1: I also don't want him to feel beat down by everyone.

933
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:15,480
Speaker 1: I do feel like he's learning how to self correct,

934
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,719
Speaker 1: but I feel like he's being overshadowed by previous behaviors.

935
00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:21,560
Speaker 1: How can I help him through this adversity. Your thoughts

936
00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:24,239
Speaker 1: and opinions are greatly appreciated. Ps him and I watched

937
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:26,280
Speaker 1: the video of you and Jackson in the gym together,

938
00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:29,320
Speaker 1: and I've allowed him to adopt the saying frustration fucks

939
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:32,680
Speaker 1: up your focus. Hella, Well, it has helped love a

940
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:36,319
Speaker 1: mom who just wants the best for her son. Oh man,

941
00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:39,520
Speaker 1: I'm glad that I want to do more podcasts about parenting.

942
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:42,000
Speaker 1: I do, I really do, because we've learned a lot

943
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:43,800
Speaker 1: over the last couple of years. This is very simple.

944
00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:46,080
Speaker 1: First thing you have to realize is that your children's

945
00:45:46,080 --> 00:45:48,560
Speaker 1: behavior are a reflection of what they see. If your

946
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:50,879
Speaker 1: child has a poor attitude or a bad attitude, he's

947
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:54,120
Speaker 1: learned that from somewhere, because children just don't learn bad attitudes,

948
00:45:54,560 --> 00:45:56,719
Speaker 1: which means sometimes for us as parents, we have to

949
00:45:56,719 --> 00:45:59,320
Speaker 1: self correct and figure out if that bad attitude is

950
00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:02,480
Speaker 1: a reflection of what I do to him. So, for example,

951
00:46:03,320 --> 00:46:07,839
Speaker 1: with Jackson, I noticed with him is that he he'll

952
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:10,480
Speaker 1: suck his teeth he'll roll his eyes, his body language

953
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:13,520
Speaker 1: you get down, and I'm just like, where do you

954
00:46:13,600 --> 00:46:15,719
Speaker 1: learn that he screams? I told you about the time

955
00:46:15,719 --> 00:46:18,279
Speaker 1: when he was screaming at Cairo, and I was just like, bro,

956
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:19,799
Speaker 1: what makes you think you can scream at your brother?

957
00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:22,480
Speaker 1: And he said, well, you scream at mommy. And I

958
00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:25,280
Speaker 1: had to realize, like, dang, did he see me screaming

959
00:46:25,280 --> 00:46:27,279
Speaker 1: at you at some point? And remember when we were

960
00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:30,400
Speaker 1: having the argument about COVID and you and I had

961
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:33,440
Speaker 1: the argument and I was screaming yeah, And I had

962
00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:36,960
Speaker 1: to realize like, wow, my son is always going to

963
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:39,759
Speaker 1: revert back to what he sees me do as his

964
00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:42,799
Speaker 1: example for life. So we were in the car one

965
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:45,759
Speaker 1: day and we were having a conversation about his attitude

966
00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:48,640
Speaker 1: and I started going him. I started screaming and screaming

967
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:51,839
Speaker 1: and screaming and getting upset and I was. And then

968
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:53,480
Speaker 1: we go downstairs in the gym and he comes down

969
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:57,400
Speaker 1: to me and he goes, Dad, you are right, And

970
00:46:57,440 --> 00:47:00,000
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Is your attitude fine, because

971
00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:02,279
Speaker 1: cause at the gym you were acting this way And

972
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:03,560
Speaker 1: he was just like, yeah, I understand it, but I

973
00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:05,960
Speaker 1: felt like you could have handled that better in the car.

974
00:47:07,080 --> 00:47:10,799
Speaker 1: That's what he said to me, and I had at

975
00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:11,640
Speaker 1: first when.

976
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:13,560
Speaker 2: The checker becomes the check e, right.

977
00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:15,680
Speaker 1: Right, But at first I was about to check it

978
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:17,120
Speaker 1: and be like, it's funny. You can tell me about

979
00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:19,359
Speaker 1: my attitude, but you don't. And then I realized, like, oh,

980
00:47:19,360 --> 00:47:21,800
Speaker 1: I'm about to do it again. I'm about to do

981
00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:23,520
Speaker 1: it again. So I said, let me be the example.

982
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:25,319
Speaker 1: I said, you know what, You're right, I could have

983
00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:27,759
Speaker 1: handled that better. And I was like, how could have

984
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:29,759
Speaker 1: handled that better? He said, there was no reason for

985
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:31,879
Speaker 1: you to scream at me, like I was right there,

986
00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:33,960
Speaker 1: We're on our way home. It's just us. I was

987
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:35,800
Speaker 1: listening to you. There's no reason for you to scream

988
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:39,920
Speaker 1: and get all animated. And I was like, you know what,

989
00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:43,640
Speaker 1: You're right. I'm gonna work on that. And because I

990
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:47,520
Speaker 1: gave him some accountability, he realized that he didn't have

991
00:47:47,600 --> 00:47:49,920
Speaker 1: to be perfect, and so when he started to mess up,

992
00:47:49,960 --> 00:47:53,719
Speaker 1: he stops getting as emotional. And I don't if you

993
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:56,200
Speaker 1: notice anymore. K K can attest to this if she

994
00:47:56,320 --> 00:47:59,400
Speaker 1: sees this. I don't scream at our kids anymore. I

995
00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:02,800
Speaker 1: haven't thrown the laptop in the pool. I haven't gotten

996
00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:06,080
Speaker 1: super animated or boisterous, like I haven't done any either,

997
00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:09,680
Speaker 1: because I've learned that the more I compose myself, the

998
00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:12,880
Speaker 1: more they will remain composed and calm if something happens

999
00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:13,600
Speaker 1: when we're not there.

1000
00:48:13,680 --> 00:48:16,080
Speaker 2: It's interesting too, you mentioned that because just in general,

1001
00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:18,239
Speaker 2: our kids are not super loud and over the top

1002
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:20,320
Speaker 2: with anything, even with each other, you know, because of

1003
00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:22,240
Speaker 2: course his brothers they had the little spats and whatnot,

1004
00:48:22,239 --> 00:48:26,040
Speaker 2: but we never really hear loud matches of shouting and

1005
00:48:26,080 --> 00:48:28,000
Speaker 2: back and forth because we don't do that, and it's

1006
00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:29,920
Speaker 2: more impactful when you bring your kid near if they

1007
00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:32,640
Speaker 2: did something like listen, the fuck do you think this

1008
00:48:32,680 --> 00:48:35,920
Speaker 2: is right now? Because I definitely have had like one

1009
00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:38,200
Speaker 2: or two moments for Jackson, but like, who the fuck

1010
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:40,239
Speaker 2: are you talking to? Yeah, and that's when his eyes

1011
00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:42,160
Speaker 2: get really big and he's just like, oh shit, Mom

1012
00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:44,320
Speaker 2: just dropped the found because he knows that he can't

1013
00:48:44,600 --> 00:48:46,440
Speaker 2: use that language around me, and I don't use it

1014
00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:49,040
Speaker 2: to their knowledge, right. I hope they listen to the

1015
00:48:49,040 --> 00:48:52,359
Speaker 2: podcast one day, but but yeah, there's nothing more than

1016
00:48:52,440 --> 00:48:54,719
Speaker 2: just composing yourself and just saying, yo, you're What we're

1017
00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:56,759
Speaker 2: not going to do is that yeah, we're not going

1018
00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:57,360
Speaker 2: to do that.

1019
00:48:57,520 --> 00:49:01,400
Speaker 1: And also validating their feelings, don't make them feel like

1020
00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:03,319
Speaker 1: they have no reason for their feelings, because then they

1021
00:49:03,400 --> 00:49:05,640
Speaker 1: get confused and then they start to question themselfs say

1022
00:49:05,719 --> 00:49:06,919
Speaker 1: why do I feel this way?

1023
00:49:07,200 --> 00:49:07,359
Speaker 2: Yeah?

1024
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:09,160
Speaker 1: And when you start to question why do I feel

1025
00:49:09,160 --> 00:49:12,200
Speaker 1: this way, you start to get frustrated more emotional. But

1026
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:14,319
Speaker 1: then you lack the confidence to try to find a

1027
00:49:14,320 --> 00:49:16,080
Speaker 1: way out of it because you feel like something is

1028
00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:18,760
Speaker 1: wrong with you. So what I always do with Jackson

1029
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:20,560
Speaker 1: is when he has an issue, for example, like he

1030
00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:22,640
Speaker 1: was upset he didn't get some playing time in a game,

1031
00:49:23,239 --> 00:49:24,920
Speaker 1: and the first thing I did was ask the coach, like,

1032
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:26,719
Speaker 1: what's up. Jackson is one of the more skilled players.

1033
00:49:26,760 --> 00:49:28,960
Speaker 1: Why didn't he play? And the coach made it very

1034
00:49:28,960 --> 00:49:31,640
Speaker 1: clear to me. He said, Jackson is twelve, but he

1035
00:49:31,800 --> 00:49:34,879
Speaker 1: just turned twelve. Some of our players are twelve turn

1036
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,960
Speaker 1: and thirteen. When we play other teams who have players

1037
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:40,600
Speaker 1: who are twelve turn thirteen or mostly thirteen year olds,

1038
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:43,880
Speaker 1: Jackson can't help us defensively because those kids are just taller.

1039
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:46,880
Speaker 1: Like we're at the point in the game where height

1040
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:49,960
Speaker 1: really really matters, so he couldn't help us on defense.

1041
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:52,479
Speaker 1: So since he couldn't help us on defense, he rolled

1042
00:49:52,480 --> 00:49:54,640
Speaker 1: the bench a little bit. So I spoke to Jackson

1043
00:49:54,680 --> 00:49:56,440
Speaker 1: and I gave him that explanation. I said, how do

1044
00:49:56,440 --> 00:49:58,560
Speaker 1: you feel about that? He said, that's fucking whack. That's

1045
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:01,560
Speaker 1: literally what he said, play defense. I said, so, now

1046
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:04,440
Speaker 1: what you have to do is prove it. But you

1047
00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:06,840
Speaker 1: don't prove it by throwing a tantrum, getting upset and

1048
00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:09,719
Speaker 1: getting emotional. You are entitled to be upset that you're

1049
00:50:09,719 --> 00:50:12,200
Speaker 1: not playing. If I were you, i'd be upset too.

1050
00:50:12,520 --> 00:50:14,480
Speaker 1: But now you have a choice. Are you going to

1051
00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:16,680
Speaker 1: get emotional and cry and be a baby and not

1052
00:50:16,719 --> 00:50:19,560
Speaker 1: get better, or are you going to say, you know what,

1053
00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:21,239
Speaker 1: there are certain things in my game I can work

1054
00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:23,600
Speaker 1: on to prove that I can play against taller kids

1055
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:28,200
Speaker 1: and do that. And he was just like, I think

1056
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:30,080
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do that, And I didn't say, we'll do

1057
00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:32,239
Speaker 1: it the next time and fix it and corrected. I said,

1058
00:50:32,239 --> 00:50:34,840
Speaker 1: well it's a work in progress. If you get emotional

1059
00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:36,799
Speaker 1: the next time and you're still upset, this is something

1060
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:39,160
Speaker 1: you're going to work on through your whole life. I

1061
00:50:39,200 --> 00:50:40,799
Speaker 1: am a grown man, and I still have to check

1062
00:50:40,840 --> 00:50:43,680
Speaker 1: my emotions, right Jackson. He was like yeah, so I said, so,

1063
00:50:43,719 --> 00:50:45,319
Speaker 1: don't feel like you have to be perfect the next time.

1064
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:48,120
Speaker 1: Just try to be better. And every time you feel

1065
00:50:48,120 --> 00:50:50,640
Speaker 1: like you're losing it, think about what we worked on

1066
00:50:50,800 --> 00:50:53,000
Speaker 1: and just get better for next time. Yeah, and that's

1067
00:50:53,040 --> 00:50:54,800
Speaker 1: all it is. Just work with them through the process.

1068
00:50:54,800 --> 00:50:58,279
Speaker 1: But the biggest thing is maintain your composure. If you're

1069
00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:01,120
Speaker 1: a single mom. I spoke to my cousin Poorsche about this.

1070
00:51:01,320 --> 00:51:03,080
Speaker 1: Moms love to scream and holler.

1071
00:51:04,000 --> 00:51:06,040
Speaker 2: That was gonna be my thing, Like she said, how

1072
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:08,319
Speaker 2: does she go between me and tough guy innurturer? And

1073
00:51:08,360 --> 00:51:10,480
Speaker 2: it really has a way. It's everything to do with

1074
00:51:10,520 --> 00:51:13,319
Speaker 2: the way you compose yourself and deliver the message. You

1075
00:51:13,360 --> 00:51:15,360
Speaker 2: can be tough and you can be starned without hollering

1076
00:51:15,400 --> 00:51:18,520
Speaker 2: and yelling. You can also be nurturer without coddling and babying.

1077
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:19,360
Speaker 1: Yes you can, you know what.

1078
00:51:19,400 --> 00:51:21,160
Speaker 2: I'm I'm glad there's no way to do that.

1079
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:22,880
Speaker 1: I'm glad you said that because that is that is

1080
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:25,800
Speaker 1: so true. I am tough on these kids, super tough,

1081
00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:27,839
Speaker 1: but I don't scream and holler at them no more.

1082
00:51:29,040 --> 00:51:31,520
Speaker 1: I nurture them. I will have a serious conversation and

1083
00:51:31,520 --> 00:51:32,960
Speaker 1: I'll bring them over and I'll be like, you know what,

1084
00:51:33,280 --> 00:51:36,520
Speaker 1: how you feel You're still mad? Okay, we'll give me

1085
00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:39,080
Speaker 1: a kiss. I love you. Give me a hug. You

1086
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:41,759
Speaker 1: still got shit to do, but you give me a hug.

1087
00:51:41,800 --> 00:51:43,600
Speaker 1: And after this hug, you can get your emotions together,

1088
00:51:43,680 --> 00:51:47,359
Speaker 1: take your time, and finish what you started. That's how

1089
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:49,719
Speaker 1: you can be tough, but love them like. I'm not

1090
00:51:49,719 --> 00:51:51,319
Speaker 1: gonna let you quit. I'm not gonna let you off

1091
00:51:51,360 --> 00:51:53,439
Speaker 1: the hook. I'm gonna hold you accountable, but I'm gonna

1092
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:56,640
Speaker 1: love you through the process. Toughness comes with accountability, not

1093
00:51:56,719 --> 00:51:59,440
Speaker 1: with volume or physical tough like you don't got to

1094
00:51:59,480 --> 00:52:00,239
Speaker 1: hit somebody.

1095
00:52:00,080 --> 00:52:01,800
Speaker 2: Be toughest, have to be super emotional.

1096
00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:04,960
Speaker 1: Toughness comes to the accountability yep, and rational thinking.

1097
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:07,680
Speaker 2: All right, good luck to your mama. You're out there

1098
00:52:07,680 --> 00:52:10,640
Speaker 2: doing it and doing it well. All right, y'all right?

1099
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:14,080
Speaker 2: Into us. Email us at dead ass Advice at gmail

1100
00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:16,279
Speaker 2: dot com if you want to be featured as a

1101
00:52:16,320 --> 00:52:17,759
Speaker 2: listener letter. We love to hear from you.

1102
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:20,000
Speaker 1: That's right, that's D E A D A S S

1103
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:24,359
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

1104
00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:26,520
Speaker 2: All Right, moment of truth time. This is. My moment

1105
00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:30,160
Speaker 2: of truth is interdependent. I well, some it up for us, then.

1106
00:52:32,760 --> 00:52:35,879
Speaker 1: Use discernment with who you listen to about relationships.

1107
00:52:36,640 --> 00:52:37,879
Speaker 2: That's a good overarching one.

1108
00:52:38,040 --> 00:52:45,000
Speaker 1: Yes, I never say I never believed too much advice

1109
00:52:45,120 --> 00:52:49,200
Speaker 1: was a thing until social media became a thing. There's

1110
00:52:49,239 --> 00:52:52,720
Speaker 1: too much advice, right, Do some research on your own

1111
00:52:53,239 --> 00:52:56,799
Speaker 1: facts and stats, check the details about what's really going

1112
00:52:56,880 --> 00:53:00,960
Speaker 1: on over here. But remember this, black men love black women,

1113
00:53:01,520 --> 00:53:04,279
Speaker 1: black women love black men. We are getting married at

1114
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:06,320
Speaker 1: a higher rate than we ever have in this country,

1115
00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:07,839
Speaker 1: and we love the shit out of each other.

1116
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:08,479
Speaker 2: That's a fact.

1117
00:53:08,520 --> 00:53:12,120
Speaker 1: Don't let anyone fool you into believing otherwise.

1118
00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:15,800
Speaker 2: If you better wrap it up for us, put a

1119
00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:18,840
Speaker 2: damn boon a bitch is over well. My mom on

1120
00:53:18,920 --> 00:53:24,040
Speaker 2: of truth is pretty simple too. It's interdependence and dependence. Sorry,

1121
00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:31,320
Speaker 2: interdependency and independence can coexist. You can do it simultaneously.

1122
00:53:31,440 --> 00:53:31,880
Speaker 1: I agree.

1123
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:34,200
Speaker 2: You can become the independent man or woman that you

1124
00:53:34,280 --> 00:53:38,799
Speaker 2: want to be, but aspire towards interdependency for it to work.

1125
00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:42,160
Speaker 2: And if that's the aspiration, put the eos aside and

1126
00:53:42,239 --> 00:53:44,120
Speaker 2: just get the job done, because that's what we're trying

1127
00:53:44,120 --> 00:53:48,480
Speaker 2: to do over here. Y'all period. All right, y'all, and

1128
00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:52,520
Speaker 2: you can follow us, find us, subscribe, join the Patreon

1129
00:53:52,680 --> 00:53:57,600
Speaker 2: gang Gang y'all to see exclusive dead Ass podcast video

1130
00:53:57,680 --> 00:54:00,719
Speaker 2: content and Ella's family content as well. Well. You can

1131
00:54:00,760 --> 00:54:04,279
Speaker 2: find us on social media. Dead Ass the podcast, I

1132
00:54:04,320 --> 00:54:05,400
Speaker 2: Am Kadine, I Am.

1133
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:08,880
Speaker 1: And I Am Devo, and if you're listening to Apple Podcasts,

1134
00:54:08,880 --> 00:54:11,600
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe.

1135
00:54:11,840 --> 00:54:14,239
Speaker 2: Keep telling your friends, y'all know well eleven seasons in baby,

1136
00:54:14,239 --> 00:54:15,920
Speaker 2: but some of y'all have been writing and saying that

1137
00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:17,719
Speaker 2: this is the first time you've heard about or listen

1138
00:54:17,760 --> 00:54:20,279
Speaker 2: to the podcast, and we love newbies, So put your

1139
00:54:20,280 --> 00:54:22,640
Speaker 2: friends on, put your family on, and have them join

1140
00:54:22,719 --> 00:54:24,279
Speaker 2: the family. Love y'all. Dead Ass.

1141
00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:29,560
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and

1142
00:54:29,560 --> 00:54:33,200
Speaker 1: it's produced by Donor Pinya and Triple. Follow the podcast

1143
00:54:33,239 --> 00:54:35,839
Speaker 1: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never

1144
00:54:35,920 --> 00:54:36,560
Speaker 1: miss a Thing.