WEBVTT - Jay & Radhi Talk About Why Men Feel So Lonely 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.480 The male loneliness epidemic. 0:00:03.400 --> 0:00:04.280 Yeah, that's me. 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:06.200 I'm so lonely. I just. 0:00:08.000 --> 0:00:11.440 Nobody to talk too. Unfortunately. I want to be wanted, 0:00:12.520 --> 0:00:15.840 I want to be loved, I want to be appreciated. 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:17.919 I want to have nobody to talk to. 0:00:18.160 --> 0:00:21.160 Yay, I don't know nobody to come for me. Gay. 0:00:23.320 --> 0:00:25.880 Why are men so lonely? 0:00:26.079 --> 0:00:27.800 You don't need to have one hundred people at your 0:00:27.800 --> 0:00:30.520 birthday party. You need three people that you can go 0:00:30.600 --> 0:00:32.240 to when you're in your hardest moments. 0:00:32.400 --> 0:00:36.559 Fifteen percent of US men reported having no close friends. 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:38.519 One of my friends said that one of her biggest 0:00:38.520 --> 0:00:40.320 eggs is seeing a man cry. 0:00:40.680 --> 0:00:43.760 Being vulnerable has been a long term difficulty. 0:00:44.080 --> 0:00:46.479 These days, women seem to want a man who is 0:00:46.520 --> 0:00:48.440 emotionally available, but not emotional. 0:00:48.920 --> 0:00:50.400 Sometimes I just don't feel seen. 0:00:50.800 --> 0:00:52.800 Sometimes you do have to go outside of what you've 0:00:52.840 --> 0:00:55.760 been used to. If you are trying something new with yourself. 0:00:55.520 --> 0:00:57.520 As a man, If you're listening to this right now 0:00:57.560 --> 0:01:00.680 and you're feeling lonely, I want you to know. 0:01:04.280 --> 0:01:06.720 Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode of On 0:01:06.840 --> 0:01:11.600 Purpose with Jay Chetti and Radiy Dvlkia. We have created 0:01:11.720 --> 0:01:15.600 these moments of conversation so that we can share a 0:01:15.640 --> 0:01:18.080 lot of the things that we discuss in our car 0:01:18.240 --> 0:01:22.360 journeys when we're traveling places when we have space and 0:01:22.400 --> 0:01:25.040 time to actually think about what's happening in the world, 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:28.679 the conversations we're having with friends, and sharing all the 0:01:28.680 --> 0:01:31.039 things that people are finding a little bit difficult, and 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:35.760 just you know, having open ended, curious conversations based on it. 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:38.679 Yeah, we wanted to find a space where we could 0:01:38.720 --> 0:01:41.440 share conversations we're having and whether you're watching this on 0:01:41.480 --> 0:01:43.240 your own, or whether you're watching this with your partner, 0:01:44.080 --> 0:01:46.160 or whether you're watching this with a friend, we just 0:01:46.240 --> 0:01:49.520 wanted to engage in conversations that we think people are having. 0:01:50.320 --> 0:01:52.760 They may not know who to go to and where 0:01:52.800 --> 0:01:54.360 to turn to, and so we hope that this provides 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:56.520 a space and an open forum to have those in. 0:01:56.560 --> 0:02:02.720 Today's topic is why are men so lonely? And this 0:02:02.920 --> 0:02:06.400 is based on something that researchers are calling a friendship 0:02:06.600 --> 0:02:11.239 recession among men. So, just to set it up, fifteen 0:02:11.320 --> 0:02:16.160 percent of US men reported having no close friends fifteen 0:02:16.240 --> 0:02:19.720 percent in twenty twenty one, which is up from three 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:24.320 percent in nineteen ninety. Only thirteen percent of men have 0:02:24.480 --> 0:02:28.360 ten plus close friends, which is down from thirty three 0:02:28.440 --> 0:02:32.440 percent in nineteen ninety and one in four US men 0:02:32.639 --> 0:02:37.480 under thirty five report feeling lonely. One in four men 0:02:37.600 --> 0:02:41.720 under thirty five report feeling lonely, with US men ranking 0:02:41.800 --> 0:02:46.520 lonelier than peers in the most developed countries, and loneliness 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:51.840 was declared a national epidemic by US Surgeon General Vivicmorti 0:02:52.240 --> 0:02:53.239 in twenty twenty three. 0:02:53.360 --> 0:02:56.400 That is honestly really sad though. But who also knew 0:02:56.440 --> 0:02:59.000 that Akon was so right with the songs he was 0:02:59.040 --> 0:03:03.000 singing in the day. What here's a song lonely? 0:03:03.960 --> 0:03:05.680 I don't think people going to even remember that you're. 0:03:07.120 --> 0:03:07.280 No. 0:03:07.360 --> 0:03:10.440 But you know justin bieber As a song called lonely 0:03:10.520 --> 0:03:15.080 does he Yeah, that's one of my favorite No so good. 0:03:15.760 --> 0:03:18.160 But all that to say that men aren't really speaking 0:03:18.160 --> 0:03:20.639 about it, but we're just not listening, That's what That's 0:03:20.680 --> 0:03:23.120 what That's really what it is. People are somehow talking 0:03:23.120 --> 0:03:25.480 about it, but we're not listening. It's so interesting because 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:30.720 with men, I noticed that men often travel in groups. 0:03:30.880 --> 0:03:33.800 Like recently, I've been laughing with my cousins because we 0:03:33.840 --> 0:03:35.960 go to the gym and there's these packs of men 0:03:36.000 --> 0:03:38.160 that come in. You know, girls will be alone, they'll 0:03:38.200 --> 0:03:40.080 be doing their own thing, but there are two, three, 0:03:40.120 --> 0:03:42.880 sometimes a pack of six men who are hyping each 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:46.280 other up in the gym working out. Like I noticed 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:48.480 that a lot, and but I noticed it so much 0:03:48.520 --> 0:03:51.080 more in sports. And so when I was thinking about it, 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:55.280 I realized that so many men connect through activities. Women 0:03:55.480 --> 0:03:59.560 connect through We'll go get our nails done together. That's 0:03:59.560 --> 0:04:01.720 a space talk. You can't do much else but talk. 0:04:01.920 --> 0:04:03.680 You go get a coffee. What do you do You 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:06.240 talk and have a coffee. And I think a lot 0:04:06.280 --> 0:04:10.040 of the way that women spend time together creates space 0:04:10.120 --> 0:04:13.520 for emotional conversations, creates space and time to have that, 0:04:13.680 --> 0:04:16.080 whereas a lot of the time when men meet, they 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:18.919 go to the pub to watch a game, they'll they'll 0:04:19.120 --> 0:04:22.200 play in activity. It doesn't leave room or space to 0:04:22.360 --> 0:04:24.279 have a conversation except for before like oh did you 0:04:24.320 --> 0:04:26.120 watch that game? And then after it's like, oh, yeah, 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:29.200 I'm gonna go watch the other game. And so I think, 0:04:29.440 --> 0:04:31.120 is that what men's sound like? Yeah, that's what they 0:04:31.120 --> 0:04:35.040 sound I'm just gonna have a point. But I think 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:37.680 that the way that they spend time together kind of 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:39.480 reflects what you're talking about. 0:04:39.560 --> 0:04:41.840 Yeah, that's that. Yeah, I never thought about it like that. 0:04:41.880 --> 0:04:43.279 You can get your nails done more together. 0:04:43.320 --> 0:04:48.760 Okay, you're right that I have to make a concerted 0:04:48.800 --> 0:04:52.560 effort to find time to talk to my friends before 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:55.360 or after we play pickleball or paddle or whatever it may be. 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:56.920 So you're spot on the way I like to spend 0:04:56.960 --> 0:04:59.440 time with my friends is we play sports together where 0:04:59.440 --> 0:05:02.680 outdoors to other we're watching a game together. So I 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:04.640 have to make an added effort as a man who 0:05:04.640 --> 0:05:07.080 does not feel lonely, I have to make an added 0:05:07.120 --> 0:05:09.960 effort to spend time with my friends. Now I get 0:05:10.000 --> 0:05:12.800 this question a lot because we also both moved and 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:14.960 so I live in LA. Now we live in LA 0:05:15.200 --> 0:05:18.320 and we were born and raised in London. So all 0:05:18.400 --> 0:05:21.960 my best friends are my friends that know me the 0:05:21.960 --> 0:05:25.800 best know me. Three sixty all live in London, and 0:05:25.960 --> 0:05:29.599 one of them just moved to Dubai. And so when 0:05:29.600 --> 0:05:33.080 I tell people that I speak to my best mate 0:05:33.120 --> 0:05:35.040 who was my best man at my wedding, three times 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:39.120 a week, most people are absolutely shocked. Yeah, they're like, 0:05:39.200 --> 0:05:43.240 how Now I have to give credit because he also 0:05:43.360 --> 0:05:46.120 picks up. He also makes time. He also makes a 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:49.119 massive effort. But the reality is that at one point 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:51.640 I realized that if we were not talking to to 0:05:51.680 --> 0:05:55.719 three times a week, I would feel lonely. Because he 0:05:55.800 --> 0:05:57.960 is my closest friend, he does know me the best, 0:05:58.440 --> 0:06:00.960 he has known me for the last twenty years. Yeah, 0:06:01.240 --> 0:06:05.080 and so for me, that setup has what's allowed me 0:06:05.160 --> 0:06:08.600 to not feel lonely because my life is busy. Also, 0:06:08.800 --> 0:06:11.359 I think when you get married, naturally on the weeknights, 0:06:11.360 --> 0:06:13.120 I want to spend time with you. Yeah, but we're 0:06:13.160 --> 0:06:15.920 investing in our relationship, and my friends are in relationships 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:19.159 are also investing in their relationship. So if I'm now 0:06:19.160 --> 0:06:22.240 only seeing mates once a week, maybe once every two weeks, 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:24.720 maybe once every month, how are we going to keep 0:06:24.760 --> 0:06:26.720 that relationship up? How am I not going to feel 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:29.560 lonely because I don't have the time to be vulnerable. 0:06:29.720 --> 0:06:33.200 If I'm only seeing you once a month, I may 0:06:33.279 --> 0:06:35.960 not be confident or comfortable enough to open my heart 0:06:36.360 --> 0:06:39.000 be vulnerable. And I think for men in general, being 0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:41.880 vulnerable has been a long term difficulty. 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:44.080 I think about a lot of the men that I've 0:06:44.120 --> 0:06:47.560 seen and who've had that kind of surface level connection, 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:51.440 not surface level, but not a place of conversation with 0:06:51.520 --> 0:06:54.159 their friends where they can really speak about their heart. 0:06:54.279 --> 0:06:57.240 I'm actually feeling really like down today, like you would 0:06:57.240 --> 0:06:59.520 not not normally hear a man say that to their friend. 0:07:00.040 --> 0:07:03.240 How can someone who's used to doing these activities with 0:07:03.320 --> 0:07:06.039 their friends, who's used to connecting to them based on 0:07:06.279 --> 0:07:09.080 having a drink or going out and playing sport, how 0:07:09.120 --> 0:07:11.000 do you make that transition? Because I saw this trend 0:07:11.040 --> 0:07:14.600 on TikTok and it was these guys calling, well, you know, 0:07:14.640 --> 0:07:16.600 the good night trend, but then it also turned into 0:07:16.640 --> 0:07:18.320 the one way you call in sake, I'm just calling 0:07:18.320 --> 0:07:20.960 to say good night to you. And then also there 0:07:20.960 --> 0:07:22.239 was a trend saying, oh do you think I should 0:07:22.360 --> 0:07:24.880 get therapy? A guy calling and asking their friends you 0:07:24.880 --> 0:07:27.400 think I should get therapy? And it was really interesting 0:07:27.400 --> 0:07:30.120 because you could tell the guys who don't have that 0:07:30.120 --> 0:07:31.720 connection with their friends and be like, oh, why are 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:33.720 you being such a loser? Why do you go get 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:37.840 wow like or say do or saying you know, making 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:40.280 fun of it versus even believing that it could be true. 0:07:40.680 --> 0:07:43.440 And so how would a guy who's so used to 0:07:43.480 --> 0:07:45.920 having twenty years of this friendship where it's based on 0:07:46.040 --> 0:07:49.520 jokes and laughter and not really talking about what's going on. 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:52.880 Make that switch, because that can be quite uncomfortable for 0:07:52.920 --> 0:07:54.200 a lot of people, I imagine. 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:55.920 I mean that you've raised such a good point and 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:58.280 I never saw that trend. But that's actually really sad 0:07:58.320 --> 0:08:01.000 for me that even in this day and age, when 0:08:01.040 --> 0:08:04.160 a man has plucked up the courage to say something 0:08:04.240 --> 0:08:06.360 like that, that it's met with that kind of reaction. 0:08:06.800 --> 0:08:10.640 Because you'd hope that there are athletes today who've talked 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:11.720 about their mental health. 0:08:11.920 --> 0:08:13.880 Understand that's okay to that be okay. 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:16.280 It's time to talk, it's time to change. 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:20.880 You know, you got so much responsibility as athlete to 0:08:20.960 --> 0:08:22.960 your team. You know, youve got to play at a 0:08:22.960 --> 0:08:26.680 certain level, your teammates counting on. You, got the pressure 0:08:26.720 --> 0:08:29.760 for the media. But it's going through something when everybody 0:08:30.880 --> 0:08:33.120 you know, things that you can't see, you can't touch. 0:08:33.280 --> 0:08:37.720 It is time for sport to accept its responsibility with 0:08:37.760 --> 0:08:41.880 this issue. There are athletes and sports and actors and 0:08:42.000 --> 0:08:46.920 musicians male who've spoken about the challenges with their mental 0:08:46.920 --> 0:08:49.880 health on all their platforms. I feel like we're living 0:08:49.920 --> 0:08:54.079 at a time with some of the toughest, strongest men 0:08:54.480 --> 0:08:58.320 on the planet talk about these things, and so I 0:08:58.360 --> 0:09:01.520 think we've got to shift the narrative that when you 0:09:02.120 --> 0:09:05.480 say something vulnerable that you're weak, or that in some 0:09:05.640 --> 0:09:08.640 way you're a loser, or in some way that you're 0:09:08.679 --> 0:09:12.359 not strong. But I think as we have these athletes 0:09:12.440 --> 0:09:15.439 and superstars talking about their pain, I think there's also 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:18.280 been a trend online which is of the alpha male, 0:09:18.840 --> 0:09:21.280 which is this idea of if you're a high value man, 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:24.960 you don't talk about your feelings. You just have discipline 0:09:25.200 --> 0:09:27.840 and you break through it. And I always find this 0:09:27.880 --> 0:09:30.800 really really interesting because I consider myself to be quite alpha, 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:36.280 and I consider myself to be quite emotionally engaged, and 0:09:36.320 --> 0:09:39.800 so I've always tried to do both, and I don't 0:09:39.840 --> 0:09:42.000 see them as a paradox. I see both as strength. 0:09:42.440 --> 0:09:46.600 So I'm disciplined, I enjoy working out, I enjoy competition, 0:09:47.120 --> 0:09:50.720 I love all those things. Yeah you're nodding because you're like, yeah, 0:09:50.800 --> 0:09:55.000 I'm extremely competitive. And at the same time, I think 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:58.439 talking about my feelings is really important, emotional vulnerability is 0:09:58.480 --> 0:10:01.360 really important, and and being able to make space for 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:05.520 my friends and share is really important. So I think 0:10:05.520 --> 0:10:09.280 a part of it is, first of all, accepting within 0:10:09.360 --> 0:10:12.760 yourself that it's okay, right. I think even before you 0:10:12.800 --> 0:10:15.000 start looking for people to share it with, do you 0:10:15.120 --> 0:10:18.120 still think it's a weakness. Because if you think it's 0:10:18.160 --> 0:10:21.760 a weakness, then when you share it and someone rejects it, 0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:23.800 you're just going to go and climb into your shell 0:10:23.880 --> 0:10:26.280 even more. But if you think it's a strength and 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:28.920 you believe it's value and you believe it's something you need, 0:10:30.120 --> 0:10:32.520 I actually this is the hardest advice to give, but 0:10:32.559 --> 0:10:35.440 it's true. You can have your friends that you play 0:10:35.440 --> 0:10:39.120 football with and have bands with and have jokes with, 0:10:39.240 --> 0:10:40.960 and if they're not the ones that you can share 0:10:41.000 --> 0:10:44.240 this with, you may have to find a separate group 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:47.080 of friends where you can talk about these things. And 0:10:47.120 --> 0:10:49.160 that doesn't mean you abandon your old friends. It doesn't 0:10:49.200 --> 0:10:50.920 mean your old friends are bad. It doesn't mean you 0:10:50.920 --> 0:10:53.640 have to leave them. It just means that you may 0:10:53.679 --> 0:10:57.400 have to start creating a community of new men that 0:10:57.520 --> 0:11:01.040 you can have this community with. Yeah, because if you're 0:11:01.080 --> 0:11:04.240 being met with your loser dude, you don't need therapy. 0:11:04.320 --> 0:11:06.920 You just need, you know, to get a pint down 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:10.880 the pope. Like, if you're being met with that, then 0:11:11.559 --> 0:11:13.240 that's not an easy wall to break down. 0:11:13.280 --> 0:11:13.959 Oh it's not. 0:11:14.200 --> 0:11:16.720 And first you should try with your friends. You should 0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:18.120 try with the friends you have, but if you don't, 0:11:18.400 --> 0:11:20.400 you are going to have to start constructing a new group. 0:11:20.559 --> 0:11:23.480 I've been seeing these really cool I don't know why 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:26.520 I'm getting these ads, but these really cool ads that 0:11:26.720 --> 0:11:28.839 not ads. But you know, when there are retreats and 0:11:28.840 --> 0:11:31.640 stuff happening, and there are so many men's retreats that happen. 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:33.720 Oh ah, yes, and I think, and you know, I 0:11:33.760 --> 0:11:36.719 remember recommending this to a friend whose partner was struggling, 0:11:36.760 --> 0:11:38.719 and I was saying, why don't you go on? Why 0:11:38.760 --> 0:11:41.840 don't you meet completely new people who are going somewhere 0:11:41.840 --> 0:11:44.920 for the same reason. If someone's going to a men's retreat, 0:11:44.920 --> 0:11:47.080 that means that they are lacking male friends, they are 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:49.400 wanting to speak to people who are wanting to open 0:11:49.440 --> 0:11:53.280 their heart, connect heal things from their past, whatever it is. 0:11:53.760 --> 0:11:55.920 But sometimes you do have to go outside of what 0:11:55.960 --> 0:11:58.000 you've been used to if you are trying something new 0:11:58.040 --> 0:12:00.440 with yourself. And I think the other part that I 0:12:00.520 --> 0:12:04.559 was gonna mention that I remembered seeing online was you know, 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:07.040 they are all these really funny I find them really funny. 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:08.360 But at the same time, I can see how for 0:12:08.679 --> 0:12:11.000 a man who's trying to be more emotional it can 0:12:11.040 --> 0:12:15.160 make you shut down. It's you know, when you have 0:12:15.240 --> 0:12:19.000 to now treat your man like a princess and essentially 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:21.760 saying that men are being too emotional these days. And 0:12:21.800 --> 0:12:24.760 I think these days women seem to want a man 0:12:24.800 --> 0:12:28.840 who is emotionally available but not emotional. So they want 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:31.040 someone who's emotionally available, like oh, I need him to 0:12:31.120 --> 0:12:33.280 understand me, and I want him to get where I'm 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:35.360 coming from, and I want him to be attuned to me. 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:37.720 But then I don't want him to cry, like I 0:12:37.720 --> 0:12:39.880 don't want I don't want him to do or when 0:12:39.920 --> 0:12:42.200 we're talking about X, one of my friends said that 0:12:42.240 --> 0:12:44.800 one of her biggest X is seeing a man cry 0:12:45.080 --> 0:12:48.120 or like be emotional. Wow, And I was like, oh wow, 0:12:48.160 --> 0:12:52.880 Like okay, it's so interesting. But I do think whether 0:12:52.920 --> 0:12:55.600 a woman says it or not, there's quite a few 0:12:55.600 --> 0:12:58.719 people who feel that way, where a man crying is 0:12:58.760 --> 0:13:01.679 still seen as being a weeks But I still want 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:03.880 you to be emotionally available to me. And so I 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:06.760 think for men seeing stuff like that online, we think 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:08.680 it's people think it's just funny but I think that 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:11.400 can be really difficult because it stops you then from 0:13:11.480 --> 0:13:14.640 also being okay with the idea that I should be 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:19.840 able to cry, be unhappy, show that I'm feeling upset, depressed, 0:13:19.840 --> 0:13:22.480 whatever it is. And so I think a lot of 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:24.679 what we see online can really play a role in 0:13:24.840 --> 0:13:25.520 how we feel. 0:13:25.640 --> 0:13:28.320 And that's what makes it hard for men because they 0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:31.480 then think, now, whether that's Sometimes it's so interesting as 0:13:31.480 --> 0:13:34.679 well because social media perception is also not reality totally, 0:13:34.760 --> 0:13:37.800 but then we start believing that is, and then men go, God, 0:13:37.840 --> 0:13:40.200 I can't share that emotion around her because she's going 0:13:40.240 --> 0:13:43.000 to think I'm weak. But then I'm carrying this load 0:13:43.400 --> 0:13:44.480 and I don't know what to do with. 0:13:44.440 --> 0:13:46.840 It, which then changes me as a partner, as a 0:13:46.880 --> 0:13:49.480 person to connect to other people. 0:13:49.640 --> 0:13:52.800 And you would hope you taught me this and I 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:54.400 loved it when you said it to me years ago. 0:13:54.840 --> 0:13:57.960 Which was this idea that and that's why your podcast 0:13:58.000 --> 0:14:00.520 is called a really Good Cry. Was this idea that 0:14:01.160 --> 0:14:05.840 crying and laughing are actually just the same, that there 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:09.240 are expressions of an emotion, and when you think something 0:14:09.280 --> 0:14:12.200 is when you think something's really funny, you don't have 0:14:12.280 --> 0:14:15.360 to think about laughing like you don't go, oh, that's 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:18.080 really funny. I'm now going to laugh. You just laugh 0:14:18.160 --> 0:14:21.040 because it's funny. You don't have to think about crying 0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:24.120 crying something that happens, when something affects you in your 0:14:24.120 --> 0:14:26.400 gut or your heart or your emotion, you just cry. 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:27.920 You don't go on, now I'm going to cry. 0:14:28.000 --> 0:14:30.480 You also don't stop laughter. But people stop tears. 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:34.280 Correct, Yeah, people say stop crying, stop crying. You never 0:14:34.320 --> 0:14:37.160 say someone stop laughing, stop laughing. Is it would be 0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:39.600 a weird thing to say. Yeah, And we say, oh no, no, 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:41.840 don't cry about that. Don't cry about that. It's okay. 0:14:41.880 --> 0:14:43.760 And it's like you wouldn't say don't laugh about that, 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:47.040 you know, unless you said offensive. This was earlier this year, 0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:52.040 but Kendrick Lamar did a cover for Harpers Bizarre, and 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:53.360 in that piece he talked about. 0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:56.040 They not like us, they not like us. I'm a 0:14:56.160 --> 0:14:56.760 wrong person. 0:14:57.240 --> 0:15:02.080 That is the right person. Good, all right? So he said, 0:15:02.680 --> 0:15:05.920 j always going to be really impressed by that. He said, 0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:09.200 my tears is all on the internet. So Lamar says, 0:15:09.200 --> 0:15:11.920 in reference to a viral moment where he cried on camera, 0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:14.000 and he goes, and now I look back, and I 0:15:14.080 --> 0:15:17.200 love that moment. I love that that happened because it 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:21.600 showed me in real time expressing myself and seeing all 0:15:21.720 --> 0:15:25.040 the work that I put forth actually come to life 0:15:25.160 --> 0:15:25.960 in that moment. 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:26.720 Wow. 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:29.320 Right, And that's Kendrick Lamar, like, who's you know? One 0:15:29.480 --> 0:15:31.640 like I don't know how many Grammys this year and 0:15:31.920 --> 0:15:34.600 performed at the super Bowl And he's saying that, and 0:15:34.640 --> 0:15:37.720 he goes on to say, my pops, he was tough. 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:41.360 He never showed a weakness, and I learned to experience that. 0:15:41.920 --> 0:15:45.200 But for what I do, there is certainly no growth 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:50.200 without vulnerability. If I understood the power of vulnerability earlier, 0:15:50.800 --> 0:15:53.720 I could have had more depth and more reach to 0:15:53.760 --> 0:15:55.040 the guys that was around me. 0:15:55.920 --> 0:15:57.480 I don't know whether I'm more shocked at that or 0:15:57.520 --> 0:15:59.280 the fact that you were at Drake concert last week 0:15:59.320 --> 0:16:00.560 and I owe quote Kendrick. 0:16:00.400 --> 0:16:02.480 Lamar, why are you trying to start beef? 0:16:02.520 --> 0:16:04.760 I'm not I'm just saying, why are you starting beef? 0:16:06.920 --> 0:16:09.680 And honestly, Kendrick, those are some bars. 0:16:09.360 --> 0:16:12.320 Right, It's just it's I'm sharing that because I hope 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:15.400 it's empowering for men, because you see, you know, a 0:16:15.720 --> 0:16:19.520 conversation Kendrick is like, yeah, rapper, He's having this rap 0:16:19.560 --> 0:16:22.080 battle he's got at the super Bowl, you know, all 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:23.640 this stuff, and it's like, but this is what he's 0:16:23.680 --> 0:16:26.480 saying about himself and his life. And he's talking about 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:28.960 how his dad was tough, his dad never showed any 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:32.120 weakness and he learned that. But he's actually saying, I 0:16:32.160 --> 0:16:35.080 wish I learned the power of vulnerability earlier. And so 0:16:35.080 --> 0:16:36.640 I'm like, that's coming from you know. 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:40.160 It's really difficult for people who you know, just thinking 0:16:40.200 --> 0:16:42.560 about him as a rapper, but it's I guess if 0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:44.520 someone who's a rapper and in that scene and in 0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:47.280 that environment can do something like that, it gives hope 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:49.560 to people who may be in an environment like we 0:16:49.560 --> 0:16:52.680 were talking about before that find it difficult to break 0:16:52.720 --> 0:16:55.160 out of that same cycle of spending time with people. 0:16:55.680 --> 0:16:59.600 But I do think that the community is the key 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:03.400 fact to feeling like you can open up, and I 0:17:03.440 --> 0:17:06.000 think building community is one of the hardest things that 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:09.520 people find. And that's why I think loneliness, especially in men, 0:17:11.200 --> 0:17:13.119 if they're not if they're not in a partnership, that 0:17:13.160 --> 0:17:15.400 also forces them to come together with couples and meet 0:17:15.400 --> 0:17:17.679 other men it's like where do people meet other people? 0:17:17.880 --> 0:17:19.760 Yeah, and that's what I think. But I think the 0:17:19.800 --> 0:17:22.280 other challenges for men is that I think women like 0:17:22.320 --> 0:17:26.119 to gather in groups, but sometimes men have better conversations 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:28.560 one to one. I was at dinner last night with 0:17:28.840 --> 0:17:32.520 a guy that someone that I became friends with early on. 0:17:32.680 --> 0:17:34.840 We're part of a meditation group that I was teaching. 0:17:35.600 --> 0:17:37.879 I bumped into randomly at a grocery store once. We 0:17:37.920 --> 0:17:39.480 spent three hours that evening together. 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:39.840 Oh wow. 0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:42.120 Yeah, we both have crazy travel schedules. We don't see 0:17:42.119 --> 0:17:43.760 each other often, but we happen to be in London. 0:17:43.960 --> 0:17:46.399 He's leaving today and we made time to go to 0:17:46.440 --> 0:17:49.560 dinner together and I'm not we had We both had 0:17:49.600 --> 0:17:52.000 the best time. It's so nice and we've probably spent 0:17:52.080 --> 0:17:54.800 three hours talking. It was full on, open conversation, like 0:17:54.840 --> 0:17:57.360 we dove in deep in thirty minutes and we both 0:17:57.359 --> 0:17:59.720 walked away going we need to do that more. And 0:18:00.200 --> 0:18:01.760 I feel like that, like when I'm with a man 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:04.040 one on one and we're at the same frequency, I 0:18:04.080 --> 0:18:06.840 can lock in. Actually, when I'm in group environments, I 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:11.960 really struggle because you're trying to create a cohesive environment, 0:18:12.040 --> 0:18:13.679 but there may be two guys over there who just 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:15.320 want to talk about the football. Yeah, there may be 0:18:15.400 --> 0:18:17.280 another two guys over there who just want to talk 0:18:17.320 --> 0:18:20.080 about whatever they you know, whatever's happening at work or 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:22.119 whatever it is. And then there's a couple of you 0:18:22.119 --> 0:18:23.880 that actually want to go deeper, but you can't because 0:18:23.880 --> 0:18:25.760 you can't direct what eight people are doing. 0:18:25.800 --> 0:18:26.920 It throws off the frequency. 0:18:27.000 --> 0:18:29.000 Yeah, whereas I feel like women will all talk about 0:18:29.000 --> 0:18:32.560 one subject together, whereas I think a lot of men 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:35.400 I know personally that I feel building one to one 0:18:35.440 --> 0:18:37.840 friendships is the space where I get to do that. 0:18:38.160 --> 0:18:42.200 And it was interesting because this was talking about emotional 0:18:42.200 --> 0:18:45.280 conditioning and how girls and boys start out on the 0:18:45.320 --> 0:18:50.119 same trajectory of prioritizing friendships, but boys feel pressure to 0:18:50.200 --> 0:18:53.719 give up their same sex friendships because it feels girly. 0:18:54.480 --> 0:18:56.800 Oh So that idea of like hanging out together and 0:18:56.880 --> 0:18:59.840 us talking about our feelings boys are conditioned to feel 0:18:59.840 --> 0:19:02.120 that that's a girly thing to do what you. 0:19:02.160 --> 0:19:04.840 Felt with that guy is called the bromance. 0:19:05.280 --> 0:19:09.320 One thing I learned as well was I needed I 0:19:09.359 --> 0:19:11.960 needed friends in my industry because they also have a 0:19:12.000 --> 0:19:15.200 shorthand for how I feel and That's how he felt too. 0:19:15.200 --> 0:19:17.520 It's like having friends that are in a similar industry. 0:19:17.640 --> 0:19:20.240 You already have something in common, you already have an understanding. 0:19:20.800 --> 0:19:22.760 But you know, I think women feel that way too. 0:19:22.800 --> 0:19:25.240 I've been speaking about a friend that I've made recently 0:19:25.280 --> 0:19:27.280 who feels I feel like I've known for so long. 0:19:27.320 --> 0:19:31.640 But when you feel that connection to a friend, when 0:19:31.680 --> 0:19:33.480