1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:24,800 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:28,320 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, 6 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:31,000 Speaker 1: old listeners, or wherever you are in the world, it 7 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:33,160 Speaker 1: is so great to have you here. Back for another 8 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:37,360 Speaker 1: episode as we, of course break down the psychology of 9 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,680 Speaker 1: our twenties. So the other day I did an episode 10 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 1: on the five biggest regrets I have about my twenties 11 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 1: so far, and one of those regrets that really stood 12 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:53,040 Speaker 1: out to a lot of you was this regret I 13 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,959 Speaker 1: have about focusing too much on dating in my early twenties. 14 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:03,000 Speaker 1: I remember being nineteen in my college university dorm room 15 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:06,360 Speaker 1: downloading Tinder and being like, this better get me a boyfriend, 16 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: Like I need a boyfriend. I need to fit in. 17 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:12,920 Speaker 1: I need to have this like relationship that like others 18 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 1: can see and that's like going to feel amazing and 19 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,120 Speaker 1: this is going to make me feel really great about myself. 20 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:21,640 Speaker 1: And I got the boyfriend. It wasn't very satisfying. I 21 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,520 Speaker 1: ended up back in this cycle of again and again 22 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:31,160 Speaker 1: and again chasing validation from men, chasing validation from romantic partners. 23 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:35,960 Speaker 1: That was actually pretty unfulfilling and took away a lot 24 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:39,240 Speaker 1: of the time that I should have devoted to figuring 25 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 1: myself out, to traveling, exploring, putting time and effort into friendships. 26 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,960 Speaker 1: You know, there was especially this relationship that I've spoken 27 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,480 Speaker 1: about before, where you know, the very fact that I 28 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,960 Speaker 1: was in that relationship cost me a lot of friendships, 29 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:59,360 Speaker 1: and it's something that I still think about fairly often. 30 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,200 Speaker 1: I still missed those friends so much, and I'm not 31 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 1: even in that relationship anymore, and it's a huge regret 32 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:11,360 Speaker 1: of mine that romance often took precedence over not just 33 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:16,760 Speaker 1: all other kinds of love, but just everything in my life. Nowadays, 34 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,600 Speaker 1: we're seeing this incredible and I would also say a 35 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:26,880 Speaker 1: personally really admirable trend of decentering men, decentering dating, taking 36 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,440 Speaker 1: your time to find the right person, honoring your single years, 37 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:35,360 Speaker 1: questioning what we sacrifice in a relationship as much as 38 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: what we think we gain. And I thought, what a 39 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 1: great time to investigate this trend of centering romance, decentering 40 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:47,919 Speaker 1: men in our twenties, and doing so from a psychological perspective. 41 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,520 Speaker 1: I want to talk about where this laser focus on 42 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,560 Speaker 1: love comes from in our twenties, why it might be 43 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:58,799 Speaker 1: holding us back in other areas of our lives, and 44 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:01,880 Speaker 1: how we can decend to dating and needing to find 45 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:05,200 Speaker 1: our person during this decade so that we can be 46 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,520 Speaker 1: a little bit selfish, so that we can really focus 47 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,120 Speaker 1: on ourselves, so that we can have all that time 48 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,320 Speaker 1: and energy and effort and attention we put into others 49 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,800 Speaker 1: just for us when I think we really need it 50 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:20,639 Speaker 1: the most. So, without further ado, let's break down the 51 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:31,120 Speaker 1: psychology behind the centering romance in our twenties. To start 52 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 1: us off, I think we should first look at why 53 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:37,960 Speaker 1: we focus so much on love during this decade. During 54 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 1: these years, The first explanation, and the easiest explanation, is 55 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:46,720 Speaker 1: simply that love is really wonderful, Like it is great. 56 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 1: I'm not going to pretend that it's not. You and 57 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,720 Speaker 1: I both know it is life changing if it is 58 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:58,120 Speaker 1: with the right person. The thing is, though nobody told 59 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,360 Speaker 1: us how hard it would actually be to find the 60 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:05,400 Speaker 1: right person. The storybook romances of our childhood, they are 61 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 1: actually pretty few and far between. But because our society 62 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 1: is based around ideals of marriage, unions, couples, families, we 63 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:20,080 Speaker 1: often feel like, or at least I remember, feeling like 64 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,599 Speaker 1: the rest of my life would not start, could not 65 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,680 Speaker 1: start until I had firstly ticked off get a boyfriend 66 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,920 Speaker 1: on my list, get into a relationship. Was this thing 67 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,839 Speaker 1: that I had to do before, you know, I could 68 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:37,160 Speaker 1: progress into the next phase of my life, before I 69 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,920 Speaker 1: could truly be an adult. There is this huge societal 70 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:46,400 Speaker 1: pressure to find somebody so that you can you know, 71 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,400 Speaker 1: move in together, and then so that you can get married, 72 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,440 Speaker 1: get a mortgage, get a dog, have a kid. And 73 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:56,000 Speaker 1: that is a process that we feel very pressured to 74 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,920 Speaker 1: begin it. And actually what is quite a young age, 75 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:04,000 Speaker 1: like your early twenties were you're still like very very young, 76 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,080 Speaker 1: and yet in the back of your mind there is 77 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,720 Speaker 1: this constant fear of like the clock is ticking, all 78 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,000 Speaker 1: the good ones are taken, my standards are just going 79 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,240 Speaker 1: to get lower, the dating pool is going to get smaller. 80 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:16,240 Speaker 1: I feel like we all know this script. I always 81 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:19,320 Speaker 1: ask myself how much of this is really just about 82 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:23,320 Speaker 1: social approval and social recognition, and how much of this 83 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:27,840 Speaker 1: is actually purely about the other person and really caring 84 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:31,960 Speaker 1: for them and having real, true, deep, passionate feelings for 85 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,880 Speaker 1: another human. We are very naturally sensitive to what is 86 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:43,479 Speaker 1: publicly celebrated. Obviously, we instinctually as humans seek harmony and conformity, 87 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,839 Speaker 1: even if we think that we don't, and being in 88 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:50,719 Speaker 1: a relationship is a goal and is something that is 89 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:55,159 Speaker 1: very easy to recognize and applaud from the outside. It's 90 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,480 Speaker 1: not that we are shallow, it's not that we are 91 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,280 Speaker 1: only doing this because other people expect it from us. 92 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,200 Speaker 1: It's just that we are very much aware and influenced 93 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:10,360 Speaker 1: by society's expectations and the fact that romantic milestones monopolize 94 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:15,560 Speaker 1: our sense of progress, even when our values are more 95 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:19,400 Speaker 1: complex than that. You may have noticed this, like you 96 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,600 Speaker 1: see a family member you haven't seen in a while. 97 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,159 Speaker 1: Sometimes even you have conversations with your friends, and it's 98 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,000 Speaker 1: never you know, how excited are you for the future, 99 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:30,560 Speaker 1: or what's like the big thing that you're working on 100 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,080 Speaker 1: right now? What are you excited about, what's your goal? 101 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,920 Speaker 1: It's always so, do you have a boyfriend yet? Do 102 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 1: you have a girlfriend? Are you dating anyone? The conversation 103 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,120 Speaker 1: always comes back to that, and it creates a lot 104 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:49,440 Speaker 1: of anxiety, anxiety that influences our decision making. You know, 105 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,280 Speaker 1: this is another thing that I think about a lot, 106 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,719 Speaker 1: and that I really wish my younger self had thought 107 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:58,200 Speaker 1: about a little bit more. Do you really want a boyfriend? 108 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:01,120 Speaker 1: Do you really want a girlfriend or do you just 109 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 1: want the anxiety about being single to go away? Do 110 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:08,360 Speaker 1: you actually want a relationship or would it just stop 111 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,680 Speaker 1: you worrying about what you may be missing out on. 112 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:14,520 Speaker 1: Do you want a partner or do you want people 113 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 1: to know that you have value because someone chows you? 114 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: This is all stemming from deep fears about whether we're worthy, 115 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:26,880 Speaker 1: whether we are loved, whether we are accepted, whether we 116 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,760 Speaker 1: have value. This fear of this anxiety pushes us from 117 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,920 Speaker 1: a place of discernment, a place of rationality, intention, and value, 118 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:39,520 Speaker 1: into a place of urgency, a place of impulsivity, blindness, 119 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:44,480 Speaker 1: where we accelerate commitment not because the fit is strong, 120 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,960 Speaker 1: not because we are even necessarily compatible, but because the 121 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,640 Speaker 1: timeline that we are experiencing in our twenties feels very 122 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:56,080 Speaker 1: fragile and feels very uncertain. What is the risk in this? 123 00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:01,040 Speaker 1: What is the risk in centering romance much and too 124 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:04,400 Speaker 1: strongly in our twenties. The risk here is what we 125 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: refer to as narrative foreclosure. We have the partner, we 126 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: found the person on the dating app, and now that 127 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,520 Speaker 1: we're in the relationship, and maybe we're a couple of 128 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:20,000 Speaker 1: years down the line, we genuinely believe it's too late 129 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 1: to start over again. It's too late to get back 130 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:28,280 Speaker 1: out there. So you tolerate less and less and less 131 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:32,240 Speaker 1: and less, and an amazing relationship for this good relationship, 132 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,200 Speaker 1: for this relationship that at least ticks the box of 133 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:40,480 Speaker 1: being partnered. And you know what should really, I really 134 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: believe should scare us and scare you more than not 135 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:47,959 Speaker 1: finding somebody is actually finding the wrong person and confusing 136 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,720 Speaker 1: them with the right person. A lot of the time, 137 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:56,480 Speaker 1: rushing into relationships or marriages very young is actually more 138 00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 1: likely to see you broken up or divorce laid down 139 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,679 Speaker 1: the line, because we are acting from a place again 140 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:08,440 Speaker 1: of urgency rather than discernment, which causes us to just 141 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: choose wrong. A twenty thirteen study published in the General 142 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:15,640 Speaker 1: Couple in Family Psychology actually found that sixty one percent 143 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:20,080 Speaker 1: of couples who recently got a divorce decided that getting 144 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,280 Speaker 1: married too young was one of the main factors their 145 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:26,840 Speaker 1: relationship didn't work out. Simply being partnered when you're in 146 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,120 Speaker 1: your early twenties because you feel like you have to 147 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:33,120 Speaker 1: is not the same as being well matched, and is 148 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:37,240 Speaker 1: not the same as having somebody you genuinely trust and 149 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:41,200 Speaker 1: are compatible with. And the risk is that you have 150 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,360 Speaker 1: this person and so you feel like a chapter in 151 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,360 Speaker 1: your life has closed, maybe earlier than it should have. 152 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 1: You've given this person some of the best years of 153 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:51,280 Speaker 1: your life, You've given them your youth, and then now 154 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,200 Speaker 1: you're thirty forty and you're like, why did I do that? 155 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,240 Speaker 1: Why was I in such a rush? I actually had 156 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:59,000 Speaker 1: so much time, and I cannot get those years back. 157 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,520 Speaker 1: The biggest reason I think that we should be decentering 158 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:06,839 Speaker 1: romance in our twenties is because ultimately, this should be 159 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:11,679 Speaker 1: your selfish decade. If you want to spend a month 160 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,319 Speaker 1: in Greece, do it. If you want to move countries, 161 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,200 Speaker 1: do it. If you want to change who you are 162 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,440 Speaker 1: every four months, do it. Do you want to explore everything, 163 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,720 Speaker 1: try it all, taste it all, see it all, do it? 164 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:29,040 Speaker 1: Like Having these goals and ambitions for yourself requires focus, 165 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:33,120 Speaker 1: and it requires time, and it requires you to be 166 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:36,600 Speaker 1: really honest and in touch with who you are and 167 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:40,120 Speaker 1: when you focus, when your focus is on romantic love 168 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:44,840 Speaker 1: and romantic love only, don't confuse me. Your life is 169 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:48,319 Speaker 1: not about you anymore. It is about this faceless, elusive 170 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,200 Speaker 1: someone who will come into your life and save the day. 171 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,480 Speaker 1: If you are waiting to be chosen before your life 172 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:58,840 Speaker 1: really begins, you are going to contort yourself, change yourself, 173 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:03,120 Speaker 1: lose yourself trying to impress somebody who might not even 174 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,559 Speaker 1: make your life better than what it could have been 175 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,520 Speaker 1: without them. So you lose your identity, you lose your priorities. 176 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:15,120 Speaker 1: You also lose your time. You know, centering romantic possibilities 177 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:20,280 Speaker 1: and centering dating is so time consuming it is it 178 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:26,160 Speaker 1: takes up valuable mental energy getting to know somebody, applying 179 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 1: to all these messages on dating apps, constantly trying to 180 00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:32,240 Speaker 1: organize dates and remember whether they ghosted you or not, 181 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:36,439 Speaker 1: like it's basically a full time job. I remember when 182 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 1: I was dating fairly intensely for a couple of years there. 183 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,640 Speaker 1: If I had made a pie chart of what I 184 00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:46,920 Speaker 1: spent time thinking about, and I was like pursuing my education, 185 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,840 Speaker 1: I had a really great job, I had hobbies still 186 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:55,000 Speaker 1: fifty percent of the time, I would be thinking about men, 187 00:11:55,400 --> 00:12:00,160 Speaker 1: and I would be distracted by what they were thinking 188 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,640 Speaker 1: about me, and it was all I could talk about 189 00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:06,160 Speaker 1: with my friends. It was so time consuming, and that 190 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,760 Speaker 1: was time that I don't get back that I could 191 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:12,440 Speaker 1: have used for rest or learning a new skill, or 192 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:16,000 Speaker 1: making new friends, or being creative. And I really do 193 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:19,760 Speaker 1: feel like it was in some ways wasted. I think 194 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:23,120 Speaker 1: maybe on a deeper level, sometimes we do this. We 195 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,880 Speaker 1: give up our time and we chase being chosen because 196 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,240 Speaker 1: we just want to feel like we belong and we 197 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,200 Speaker 1: want to feel like somebody sees us and loves us, 198 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:38,080 Speaker 1: and that is a way to avoid truly being with ourselves. 199 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,080 Speaker 1: We get a fast hit of safety or self esteem 200 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:45,520 Speaker 1: in the text, in the plans, in the promises, of 201 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:48,320 Speaker 1: being with somebody in their potential, and I think we 202 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:54,360 Speaker 1: momentarily get a sense of relief that we might not 203 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:59,240 Speaker 1: be lonely forever, that maybe we're not that terrible. Maybe 204 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:03,320 Speaker 1: we do have And what we're really engaging in here 205 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:07,760 Speaker 1: is emotional bypassing, we're using the attention of other people 206 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,760 Speaker 1: to dodge the inner work because it feels safer to 207 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 1: do so. Oftentimes we think you know, when I'm in 208 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 1: a relationship, everything will change. I'll have the validation i'll need. 209 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,680 Speaker 1: I'll be happy because somebody else has confirmed for me 210 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,000 Speaker 1: that I have value. And the thing is is that 211 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,240 Speaker 1: all that insecurity will still be there, and it will 212 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:31,560 Speaker 1: probably be made worse by the fact that perhaps you 213 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,880 Speaker 1: chose the first person who showed up at the front door, 214 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 1: or you changed in order to be chosen. And now listen, 215 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,640 Speaker 1: it's fun today. You know I am in a long 216 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,080 Speaker 1: term relationship with an amazing guy. I'm not saying like, 217 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,439 Speaker 1: turn into a nun until you're thirty, But there is 218 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:49,640 Speaker 1: a difference between dating being a part of your life 219 00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: and dating consuming your life and consuming your time, energy, identity, 220 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:59,440 Speaker 1: and sense of self worth. So after this short break, 221 00:13:59,559 --> 00:14:04,000 Speaker 1: what I want to do is explore a nuanced, balanced, 222 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 1: healthy approach to romance in our twenties that doesn't eliminate love. 223 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:14,400 Speaker 1: Doesn't eliminate romantic love, but just decenters it from being 224 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,480 Speaker 1: the main story we're trying to build for ourselves or 225 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:27,560 Speaker 1: tell ourselves stay with us. In my humble opinion, I 226 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 1: do truly believe that romance should not, at any stage 227 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 1: in your life be the main focus of your world 228 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,040 Speaker 1: except for maybe like on your wedding day. How I 229 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:42,720 Speaker 1: describe it is my relationship and the love I feel 230 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,880 Speaker 1: for my partner is not my whole world. It is 231 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:50,600 Speaker 1: a separate universe for which I step into I get 232 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:54,000 Speaker 1: to enjoy, but I also step out of because you know, 233 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:58,040 Speaker 1: my world is my world, and me and my partner, 234 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,840 Speaker 1: our relationship does kind of exist separately from that. The 235 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,480 Speaker 1: moment that I'm spending too much time in this other universe, 236 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,480 Speaker 1: or the moment that I feel like all my plans 237 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:14,960 Speaker 1: and all my behaviors need to be about him or 238 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,840 Speaker 1: are orientated towards him, This is like a really good 239 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:23,800 Speaker 1: sign to plant my feet firmly back into my own 240 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,720 Speaker 1: inner world and my own inner garden. So if you 241 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,880 Speaker 1: want to descender love in your twenties, if you want 242 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 1: to have the world and then have the universe on 243 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:36,000 Speaker 1: the side, here's what you're gonna do. Number one. Firstly, 244 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,600 Speaker 1: you need to ask yourself do I have love to share? 245 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,640 Speaker 1: We need to make sure our own cup is filled 246 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,200 Speaker 1: up first. Then you need to make sure you have 247 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,600 Speaker 1: enough in your cup to give to your loved ones. 248 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,040 Speaker 1: Then you need to make sure you have enough in 249 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,200 Speaker 1: your cup to give to the things you care about, 250 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:58,200 Speaker 1: and if there is still something left over, then romantic 251 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:02,680 Speaker 1: love can be a priority. This reflects something that we 252 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:06,880 Speaker 1: call self determination theory, and this theory basically maps the 253 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,600 Speaker 1: three needs that each of us should be fulfilling at 254 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:15,400 Speaker 1: any given time, the need for relatedness, competence, and autonomy. 255 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,960 Speaker 1: We need relatedness through friendship and community. We need competence 256 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:24,040 Speaker 1: through learning and creativity, and we need autonomy by being 257 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,800 Speaker 1: able to make our own decisions. When we are fulfilling 258 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 1: these three things, we can be discerning about love, and 259 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 1: we can be discerning and make a conscious, balanced choice 260 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 1: about what we are choosing to spend out time on. 261 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:44,520 Speaker 1: If your cup is not overflowing, I don't think that 262 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:48,280 Speaker 1: romantic love is going to make it flow anymore. And 263 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,320 Speaker 1: if your cup is not overflowing and you want it 264 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 1: to be, I want to tell you how you can 265 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: make that. So, how can you give yourself? I guess more, 266 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,680 Speaker 1: to give more, to give yourself, give others more, to 267 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,200 Speaker 1: give your life. This is the thing you're going to do. 268 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:08,240 Speaker 1: You are going to pick a mussogi challenge. Now. Musogi 269 00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:11,520 Speaker 1: is a Japanese term that is basically like a Shinto 270 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 1: ritual where people would take like a sacred pilgrimage to 271 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,879 Speaker 1: a waterfall was a way to challenge themselves and then 272 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,920 Speaker 1: they would like purify themselves under the water. That's like 273 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,919 Speaker 1: the traditional version of a musogi in Japan. A modern 274 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:30,399 Speaker 1: musogi refers to a significant, year defining challenge that we 275 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,280 Speaker 1: really want to commit to and do that requires a 276 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,840 Speaker 1: lot of focus and devotion on our behalf to this thing. 277 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,760 Speaker 1: So basically, it's like a pact that you make with 278 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,520 Speaker 1: a dream. You really have to just spend the year 279 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,840 Speaker 1: giving it your all. A masogi could be writing a book, 280 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:49,160 Speaker 1: it could be starting a podcast, running a marathon, launching 281 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 1: a company, completing a multi day hike, getting scuba certified, 282 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:59,160 Speaker 1: building something, and it's basically meant to require deep commitment 283 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:02,280 Speaker 1: and dedication you the same way you might deeply commit 284 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:05,359 Speaker 1: and dedicate yourself to a relationship. So many of us 285 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:09,879 Speaker 1: live passively, or so many of us focus on dating 286 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,679 Speaker 1: because it feels like a worthy project. But when you 287 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,359 Speaker 1: have a masogi, you are laser focused. You have things 288 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:19,719 Speaker 1: to do. You have this task, this goal that is 289 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:23,000 Speaker 1: deeply personal to you that you really care about that 290 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,880 Speaker 1: nothing can get in the way of this devotion to yourself, 291 00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:31,320 Speaker 1: to a practice, to realizing a dream. It means that 292 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:36,159 Speaker 1: you really only have space left in your life for 293 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,760 Speaker 1: the kind of love that finds you organically and that 294 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,680 Speaker 1: adds to your life. All these other kinds of love 295 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,320 Speaker 1: that you may find on a dating app or that 296 00:18:44,359 --> 00:18:47,880 Speaker 1: maybe fickle or may come from people who aren't fully committing, 297 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,520 Speaker 1: you have your masogi like. You don't have time for 298 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,919 Speaker 1: those things. So it allows you, in a way to 299 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,119 Speaker 1: be very discerning and to let only good love in 300 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,520 Speaker 1: because you've got this big love here, You've got this 301 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,879 Speaker 1: thing you're really dedicated to. It's very similar advice to 302 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,200 Speaker 1: like getting a hobby right, It's just on a whole 303 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:10,720 Speaker 1: new level. Here's the other thing. I think having a 304 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:15,000 Speaker 1: devotional practice like a masogi, or having hobbies, having interests 305 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,280 Speaker 1: that you may have lost in a previous relationship or 306 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,680 Speaker 1: may have lost to your devotion to dating, it actually 307 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:24,960 Speaker 1: makes you a much more magnetic person anyways, Like what 308 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,080 Speaker 1: I have found time and time again, the less you 309 00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:30,959 Speaker 1: focus on dating, the more people like suddenly appear in 310 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,320 Speaker 1: your life who are worthy of your love. You can 311 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,159 Speaker 1: call it the law of detachment, you can call it 312 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,720 Speaker 1: whatever you want to. But people who are committed to 313 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,439 Speaker 1: themselves and to doing cool stuff because they want to 314 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,879 Speaker 1: that is so hot. People are deeply attracted to that. 315 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:50,200 Speaker 1: And I have found, like in the times where I've 316 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,000 Speaker 1: been devoted to something outside of myself and I've been 317 00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,800 Speaker 1: really committed to making something and making something well and 318 00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:59,240 Speaker 1: doing something cool, like suddenly you look around and it's like, wait, 319 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 1: why are there's sudden all these prospects for me? Like 320 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,720 Speaker 1: why they are all these people? It's because that mentorship 321 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:10,600 Speaker 1: that you were experiencing through that changes how people see 322 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,680 Speaker 1: you and changes how you relate to yourself and just 323 00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:16,080 Speaker 1: changes your energy field. Like I fully do believe it. 324 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:20,240 Speaker 1: My next tip for decentering romance in your twenties is 325 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:23,600 Speaker 1: to have a dating detox. I know I've spoken about 326 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,120 Speaker 1: this a few times on the podcast. I really don't care. 327 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,359 Speaker 1: It's just so worthwhile to do. If you have noticed 328 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:32,000 Speaker 1: that dating is taking up a lot of space and energy, 329 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:37,200 Speaker 1: have a break. I genuinely do believe that the same 330 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,840 Speaker 1: way you can get burnt out at your job, you 331 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:45,000 Speaker 1: can get dating burnout. You can feel so deeply exhausted 332 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:49,160 Speaker 1: and disillusioned that dating is a chore to you rather 333 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,919 Speaker 1: than something that gives you energy. You are in this 334 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,719 Speaker 1: position of like I just want to find somebody so 335 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:56,400 Speaker 1: I don't have to do this anymore. I just want 336 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,720 Speaker 1: to finish this task at my job so I don't 337 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:01,720 Speaker 1: have to worry about it. This isn't a job. Dating 338 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 1: isn't a job. It is not something that your livelihood 339 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:07,639 Speaker 1: depends on. You can just quit the rat race. You 340 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,439 Speaker 1: can quit the dating rat race and just say I 341 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,520 Speaker 1: don't want to do this for a while. This is 342 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:18,840 Speaker 1: where I think the biggest challenge comes about, because what 343 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,560 Speaker 1: you have to fight against is really your milestone anxiety 344 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,320 Speaker 1: and the part of you that might say you're never 345 00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:27,320 Speaker 1: going to find anyone. You know, you can't take a 346 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,240 Speaker 1: break now. The clock is ticking, like if you don't 347 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,080 Speaker 1: find somebody soon, like it's all going to be over 348 00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:34,639 Speaker 1: for you. Like come on, keep going, you're going to struck. 349 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 1: You're going to strike gold soon. And the thing is 350 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,280 Speaker 1: is like you're not running out of time. Three months 351 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:44,040 Speaker 1: of dating isn't going to kill you, six months of 352 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,320 Speaker 1: not being on the apps isn't going to ruin your life. 353 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:48,720 Speaker 1: In fact, they think it's probably going to improve your life. 354 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:55,360 Speaker 1: So delete or pause the apps, stop maintaining ambiguous connections 355 00:21:55,680 --> 00:22:01,359 Speaker 1: with random people. Use that free time for sleep, for exercise, 356 00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:06,800 Speaker 1: for self nourishment, for plans for work. And yes, you 357 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,520 Speaker 1: might expect a few restless days while your habits are 358 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:13,399 Speaker 1: just but I think it settles after a while and 359 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,760 Speaker 1: you realize, like, I don't really need this anymore. This 360 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 1: actually wasn't a worthwhile part of my life, at least 361 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,440 Speaker 1: not the way that I was approaching it. And when 362 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:24,919 Speaker 1: you do return, because of course you know you probably will, 363 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,159 Speaker 1: I think you'll be able to examine the relationship you 364 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:32,320 Speaker 1: have with these online connections, or with these apps, or 365 00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:36,800 Speaker 1: with people in a much more constructive way. After I 366 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,800 Speaker 1: did my dating detox, Like I feel like this is 367 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,359 Speaker 1: a very famous story on the podcast. The first person 368 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 1: I match with after I did my dating dtalks is 369 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:47,199 Speaker 1: now my boyfriend of three years. But obviously I was 370 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 1: still like, you know, swiping at the same time as 371 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:55,080 Speaker 1: when I had matched with him, and I came back 372 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:59,360 Speaker 1: from my dating detalks with solid rules, like I had 373 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,679 Speaker 1: rules for the people I match with. I can't remember 374 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:06,680 Speaker 1: them exactly, but I think it was like twenty four 375 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:11,640 Speaker 1: hours to message after matching, six hours to reply one 376 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,960 Speaker 1: to two weeks to organize a date. Otherwise, like I 377 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,880 Speaker 1: would seriously just unmatch these people. Anybody who stopped replying 378 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:21,679 Speaker 1: after like a day, unmatched. Anybody who wasn't going to 379 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,080 Speaker 1: plan a date, unmatched. Anybody who just like never actually 380 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:30,480 Speaker 1: messaged me, unmatched, Like their profiles were digital cluttered to me. 381 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:34,359 Speaker 1: It was taking up space in my mind to have them, like, 382 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:38,240 Speaker 1: to have them there, to have the unanswered message, to 383 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,200 Speaker 1: have the weeks long conversation just staring at me. And 384 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,760 Speaker 1: when I put my foot down, I was like, how 385 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,080 Speaker 1: you begin is how you you know, how you commit 386 00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:50,800 Speaker 1: to going on. So if these people aren't giving me 387 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,520 Speaker 1: enough at the beginning, I don't have high expectations for 388 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:56,040 Speaker 1: them in the future. Once I decided that, it was 389 00:23:56,119 --> 00:24:01,800 Speaker 1: so relieving, It was so peaceful. It was just like 390 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,720 Speaker 1: a nice, stoic mindset. It was like, eh, it was 391 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:07,160 Speaker 1: just like wow, I can just flow through this rather 392 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,920 Speaker 1: than getting constantly stuck on these people who I thought 393 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,679 Speaker 1: I had a future with. What you really have to 394 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:17,320 Speaker 1: remember is like your time is precious, your mindset is precious, 395 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:21,560 Speaker 1: Your environment, whether it is offline or online, is precious. 396 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:26,160 Speaker 1: And none of like nobody who you have not met 397 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,879 Speaker 1: yet who you don't have a deep connection with yet 398 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:32,320 Speaker 1: is important enough for you to sacrifice that because you 399 00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:35,520 Speaker 1: don't even know them. You know yourself, you know that 400 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 1: you deserve love. You don't know if they deserve love yet, 401 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,320 Speaker 1: So give that love that you may eventually give to 402 00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:43,919 Speaker 1: them to yourself until you can prove that they are next. 403 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,800 Speaker 1: And maybe my favorite tip for decentering romance is to 404 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:54,119 Speaker 1: start dating your friends. And no, I don't mean like 405 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,400 Speaker 1: actually dating your friends. What I mean is like, start 406 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 1: pouring all that time energy I love back into these 407 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:07,480 Speaker 1: plotonic relationships. Apply the same effort you use for dating 408 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:12,360 Speaker 1: to your close bonds and close friendships. Put recurring plans 409 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:17,560 Speaker 1: on the calendar, confirm them early in the week, choose venues, 410 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,439 Speaker 1: get dressed up, and actually follow through. Make date nights 411 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,879 Speaker 1: for your friends. I wish I did this more right now. 412 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,680 Speaker 1: It's been a little bit chaotic for me with moving 413 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,000 Speaker 1: to a new country and all, but I used to 414 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,200 Speaker 1: host these like elaborate date nights for me and my friends, 415 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:34,879 Speaker 1: like a couple months ago. Back in the day. I 416 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:36,439 Speaker 1: would do them all the time, and it was like 417 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,560 Speaker 1: themed dinner parties and like movie nights with like theme 418 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:44,000 Speaker 1: snacks and life drawing nights and art nights and really 419 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:48,359 Speaker 1: fun like dinner dates. And you know what, when I 420 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,600 Speaker 1: was single, those moments were like ninety nine percent of 421 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,440 Speaker 1: the time better than any date I ever went on. 422 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,280 Speaker 1: And honestly, sometimes I would find myself like on a 423 00:25:58,359 --> 00:26:00,800 Speaker 1: date with a man and being like, damn, I really 424 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,200 Speaker 1: wish like my best friend was here, Like I really 425 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:07,280 Speaker 1: wish my girlfriends were here. Like genuinely giving these ties 426 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:11,040 Speaker 1: the same love and attention that you usually hold for 427 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:15,080 Speaker 1: romantic connections just creates such a beautiful opportunity for like 428 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,399 Speaker 1: deep love in a new form. At the end of 429 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 1: the day, you know you can find the love of 430 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,360 Speaker 1: your life tomorrow. Maybe you will, but like, they will 431 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,040 Speaker 1: never be enough to sustain you if you don't have 432 00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:31,880 Speaker 1: these other platonic connections at your back, if you don't 433 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:33,800 Speaker 1: have these other people who are going to show you 434 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,560 Speaker 1: love and you show them love in a really important 435 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,880 Speaker 1: and healthy way. Okay, My fifth tip is to ask 436 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:44,199 Speaker 1: yourself the question if I knew I would find the 437 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,399 Speaker 1: love of my life in six months, Like we just 438 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:50,359 Speaker 1: spoke about, what would I do in the time I 439 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:54,160 Speaker 1: have from then to now? What would I do before 440 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,840 Speaker 1: I met them, and I've spoken about this a few times, 441 00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:03,960 Speaker 1: but I think this exercise works because it really asks 442 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,919 Speaker 1: you to do away with the concerns of being single 443 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 1: and just pay attention to what you really want in 444 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:14,120 Speaker 1: your life when you aren't distracted by this idea of 445 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:18,320 Speaker 1: choosing or being chosen. You know what is on your 446 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:21,880 Speaker 1: single bucket list? What skills do you want to learn, 447 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,760 Speaker 1: What emotional wounds do you want to heal? What trips 448 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,720 Speaker 1: do you want to take, What health goals do you have? 449 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:30,159 Speaker 1: Financial targets, times spent with friends, times met with family, 450 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 1: What unfinished goals would you like to achieve as a 451 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:38,080 Speaker 1: single person. I need you to make a single bucket 452 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,760 Speaker 1: list of experiences and milestones that you think might be 453 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:45,280 Speaker 1: better as a as a single person, that you think 454 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:49,480 Speaker 1: would really contribute to your life, even when there's nobody 455 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:51,800 Speaker 1: else with you, and even when you don't have a partner. 456 00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,880 Speaker 1: I want you to at least have fifteen things on 457 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:57,920 Speaker 1: that list. I know I feel like a drill sergeant, 458 00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:01,600 Speaker 1: but I want results. Fifteen things on your single bucket list, 459 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,720 Speaker 1: and now you've got those, I want you to choose 460 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:10,040 Speaker 1: two of them and plan to do something about it. 461 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:15,160 Speaker 1: This week, and then after that methodically tick them off 462 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:18,480 Speaker 1: and every time you complete to add two more On 463 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 1: the main point of this question, if I knew I 464 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:23,600 Speaker 1: would make the love of my life in six months, 465 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,560 Speaker 1: what would I do? The main point is again it 466 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:30,600 Speaker 1: takes the worry off the table. It's no longer a consideration, 467 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:34,560 Speaker 1: and so all your focus is just on your ambitions 468 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:38,479 Speaker 1: and your desires. And you know what, if you do 469 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,520 Speaker 1: want a romantic relationship in the future, which of course 470 00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:44,080 Speaker 1: most of us do, and that's not the problem here, 471 00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:48,200 Speaker 1: but this exercise just encourages you to look at your 472 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,200 Speaker 1: life and genuinely think about the kind of person you 473 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,880 Speaker 1: would attract and you would want to be with based 474 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:56,560 Speaker 1: on how you are living your current life. Are you 475 00:28:56,720 --> 00:29:01,360 Speaker 1: modeling the love that you would want to receive back? 476 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:05,320 Speaker 1: Are you modeling the kind of person that you would 477 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,840 Speaker 1: want to fall in love with? That's really like a 478 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:13,080 Speaker 1: really deep question, like would you fall in love with you? 479 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,360 Speaker 1: Because if the answer is known you wouldn't fall in 480 00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:19,200 Speaker 1: love with yourself first, then like there's probably a lot 481 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,480 Speaker 1: of work you need to do because it shows that 482 00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:25,400 Speaker 1: there is probably like a deficit there in self esteem, 483 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:29,920 Speaker 1: self knowledge, in goals, in inspiration that like another person 484 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:34,320 Speaker 1: is never going to do anything about They're never going 485 00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:36,920 Speaker 1: to be able to fix it. My final piece of advice, 486 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,840 Speaker 1: and this might not be everyone's cup of tea, but 487 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,280 Speaker 1: going on from what we were just talking about, I 488 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:46,800 Speaker 1: want you to do everything in your power during this 489 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:51,640 Speaker 1: period of your life to become utterly obsessed with yourself 490 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:55,360 Speaker 1: to the point of arrogance, to the point of vanity. 491 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:59,320 Speaker 1: And I mean it. I want you to become obsessed 492 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:02,280 Speaker 1: with yourself. That is one of the only ways I 493 00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:06,240 Speaker 1: see as being able to decenter romance or obsession from 494 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,520 Speaker 1: somebody else. And listen, I'm not worried about any of 495 00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:12,120 Speaker 1: you going too far at all. I don't think you're 496 00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,920 Speaker 1: going to end up being these like egotistical maniacs. I 497 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 1: think if you're listening to a self help podcast about 498 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:22,560 Speaker 1: decentering love, you've probably found yourself really lacking confidence in 499 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:26,320 Speaker 1: the past, or being overwhelmed by dating or feeling really 500 00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:30,920 Speaker 1: struck by how dating heart is and struck by how 501 00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:35,080 Speaker 1: terrible you feel. So going heavy in the opposite direction 502 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,480 Speaker 1: with this self obsession project, I think it's going to 503 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:42,000 Speaker 1: be a good counterbalance to get you somewhere kind of 504 00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:44,800 Speaker 1: back in the center, maybe even further to the right, 505 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:50,080 Speaker 1: of loving yourself and of genuinely thinking that you are amazing, 506 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:53,840 Speaker 1: Like I need you to tell yourself daily, I am 507 00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:58,440 Speaker 1: a catch. Somebody would be lucky to have me. I 508 00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:01,800 Speaker 1: am talented, I am so I am so smart, I 509 00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:05,080 Speaker 1: am fantastic. I need you to be like all in 510 00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:09,920 Speaker 1: on celebrating yourself, all in on treating yourself like you 511 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:14,360 Speaker 1: are the best person on the planet, because that's how 512 00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:17,160 Speaker 1: a partner should make you feel about yourself. And so 513 00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:20,680 Speaker 1: if somebody is turned off by you thinking great things 514 00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:23,400 Speaker 1: about yourself, it's because they don't think highly enough of you, 515 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:27,080 Speaker 1: and they are intimidated by the fact that they can't 516 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 1: get away with the bare minimum because you don't like 517 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:33,480 Speaker 1: yourself enough to not demand more. Being a little bit 518 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:37,200 Speaker 1: self obsessed is the best barrier to entry for people 519 00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:39,880 Speaker 1: who are never going to treat you right. And it 520 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:45,479 Speaker 1: allows you not to decenter love altogether, but to center 521 00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:50,600 Speaker 1: mediocre love because you know you already have a fantastic 522 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:53,959 Speaker 1: thing going with you and yourself, Like the relationship you 523 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 1: have with yourself is amazing. It's the best one you're 524 00:31:55,840 --> 00:32:00,360 Speaker 1: ever gonna have. So some average person cannot get between 525 00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:03,520 Speaker 1: the love affair that you have with you, like they're 526 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:06,520 Speaker 1: not worthy of it, if they don't match, if not exceed, 527 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:10,080 Speaker 1: your self obsession and your level of love for yourself. 528 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:15,200 Speaker 1: I really do feel decentering love is such an important 529 00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:18,120 Speaker 1: decision and thing that we should all aim to do, 530 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:21,440 Speaker 1: whether you're in a relationship or not. Like during your twenties, 531 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:25,160 Speaker 1: it really allows you to just ground yourself and like, 532 00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:27,840 Speaker 1: what do I want from my life? How much free 533 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,600 Speaker 1: time would I have? How much energy and effort would 534 00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:33,200 Speaker 1: I have if this wasn't a priority, And what could 535 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:35,880 Speaker 1: I do at that time? You know, when your time 536 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:40,959 Speaker 1: and attention are distributed to things that you really care about, 537 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 1: your whole aura, your whole way of being is just 538 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:50,080 Speaker 1: elevated and you just achieve, do see, believe, love more. 539 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:53,120 Speaker 1: And I think that's a really play, a really great 540 00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:57,160 Speaker 1: place to be in before you start looking for somebody 541 00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,920 Speaker 1: else to add to that, you know, looking for someone 542 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,680 Speaker 1: else to maybe feel parts of you that you weren't 543 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:05,640 Speaker 1: able to feel yourself. If nothing else just proved to 544 00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:09,200 Speaker 1: yourself that you can just prove to yourself that yes, 545 00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:14,120 Speaker 1: having somebody might be and is nice. Worst comes to worst, 546 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,560 Speaker 1: you might not need it because you really do have 547 00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:20,200 Speaker 1: like everything you have ever needed to make yourself happy. 548 00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:22,640 Speaker 1: And if you don't have everything you've ever needed to 549 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:26,040 Speaker 1: make yourself happy, your friends definitely do, and your hobbies 550 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:29,720 Speaker 1: definitely do, and your community definitely does, then you can 551 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:33,240 Speaker 1: go looking for it in romantic love. So I hope 552 00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:36,440 Speaker 1: that you have enjoyed this episode. I hope you enjoyed 553 00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:41,600 Speaker 1: the discussion. Hopefully my passion came through on this. I 554 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:44,320 Speaker 1: know it's ironic that, like, I've been with somebody who's 555 00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:48,920 Speaker 1: amazing for like three years, and yet I'm still able 556 00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:52,440 Speaker 1: to rant about this, mainly because I know that I 557 00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:55,080 Speaker 1: would not be with him and I would not have 558 00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:57,120 Speaker 1: found him if I hadn't gone through this or this 559 00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,840 Speaker 1: whole process myself. And it's not to say I do 560 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,920 Speaker 1: it so that you can find love. I genuinely really 561 00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:07,040 Speaker 1: was like so detached from the outcome when I decentered 562 00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:10,520 Speaker 1: love in my twenties. Earlier in my twenties that I 563 00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:13,239 Speaker 1: really was happy with never finding anyone, and it's yeah, 564 00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:16,399 Speaker 1: just kind of surprised me. And my standards were high 565 00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:19,000 Speaker 1: and they continue to be high, and it just meant 566 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,640 Speaker 1: that the love fit in perfectly with the life I'd 567 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:25,319 Speaker 1: already built and continue to build for myself. So I 568 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:27,080 Speaker 1: want that for you guys as well. And I do 569 00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:29,719 Speaker 1: really feel like this is a pathway to maybe not 570 00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:32,640 Speaker 1: find that, but to find just find peace, find peace 571 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:37,120 Speaker 1: and like the chaos of dating. If you enjoyed this episode, again, 572 00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:40,200 Speaker 1: remember that this episode was also on YouTube, So if 573 00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:42,600 Speaker 1: you want to go and subscribe to our channel for 574 00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:46,000 Speaker 1: future video episodes, please feel free to do so. Make 575 00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:48,960 Speaker 1: sure that you are following me on Instagram at that 576 00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:53,480 Speaker 1: Psychology podcast. It's December in like a week, I feel 577 00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,719 Speaker 1: like in less than a week. So we have our 578 00:34:56,960 --> 00:35:01,880 Speaker 1: famous twelve Days of Guest episodes every December. I just 579 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,960 Speaker 1: interview the coolest people that I've had the opportunity to 580 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,160 Speaker 1: meet this year, and I get to, you know, bring 581 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:08,960 Speaker 1: those conversations to you guys. So if you want to 582 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:10,960 Speaker 1: be up to date with who we've got coming on 583 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:13,800 Speaker 1: the podcast, we have a plastic surgeon, we have somebody 584 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:18,759 Speaker 1: who runs a renaissance fair. We have financial consultants, we 585 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:22,480 Speaker 1: have authors like all these cool people. Make sure you're 586 00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:25,840 Speaker 1: following us on Instagram and subscribe slash following wherever you 587 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:29,160 Speaker 1: are listening right now, but until next time, stay safe, 588 00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:32,479 Speaker 1: be kind, be gentle with yourself, and we will talk 589 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:33,520 Speaker 1: very very soon.