1 00:00:00,640 --> 00:00:03,400 Speaker 1: This podcast has mature content and language that may not 2 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:10,080 Speaker 1: be appropriate for all audiences. Listener discretion is advised. Episode three, 3 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:19,320 Speaker 1: I didn't seek Everyone has secrets. I'm really good at 4 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:24,600 Speaker 1: keeping secrets. I feel like I've practiced my whole life. 5 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:31,680 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's a coping mechanism. Other times keeping a secret 6 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:37,480 Speaker 1: is the only way to get what you want. After 7 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:41,080 Speaker 1: I broke up with Ryan, what I wanted was to 8 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:47,640 Speaker 1: find fireworks. I wanted more. I wanted to find a 9 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:54,000 Speaker 1: deeper relationship someone I connected with. I was feeling good 10 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,680 Speaker 1: about myself, like I deserved to get what I wanted, 11 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,320 Speaker 1: like you would in my reach, but I didn't know 12 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:13,039 Speaker 1: what it would cost. I am Emmy and this is Crumbs, 13 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:16,760 Speaker 1: my love story. It's a show about the things we 14 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:20,160 Speaker 1: settle for and the bits of ourselves that make us 15 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:35,280 Speaker 1: who we are. Emmy fun loving student looking for sober 16 00:01:35,319 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 1: adventures and romance. I was in college in this little 17 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,880 Speaker 1: town called Pomona, which is right outside of Los Angeles, 18 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,840 Speaker 1: and on the weekends I would travel to San Diego, 19 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:53,880 Speaker 1: Dio visit my family. I was experimenting with dating apps. 20 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,800 Speaker 1: Now this was before Tinder was a thing, so I 21 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 1: think I was on okay, Cupid or Plenty of Fish 22 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:06,320 Speaker 1: one of those two. On one of my trips to 23 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,959 Speaker 1: San Diego, I matched with this guy named Adam when 24 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,640 Speaker 1: I was back in Pomona. We started to text and 25 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,520 Speaker 1: I did my standard thing. I told him I was 26 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:25,400 Speaker 1: trans and I waited for his response. I shared this 27 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:29,240 Speaker 1: information every time I matched with someone, and it was 28 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:36,040 Speaker 1: getting really exhausting, not the sharing, the waiting, never knowing 29 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 1: what kind of response I'd get. It could be fun, 30 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:44,760 Speaker 1: the pate speech, a creepy, fetishy message, or just being ghosted. 31 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 1: But to me, not telling my matches is even scarier 32 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,720 Speaker 1: because what if I go on a date with them 33 00:02:53,840 --> 00:03:01,200 Speaker 1: and then I get that hate in person? But um, 34 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,760 Speaker 1: his response was I don't see why that should be 35 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: an issue. As crazy as this sounds, it was a 36 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 1: really big deal. A lot of the matches that I 37 00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:21,639 Speaker 1: was getting on these dating apps, people were just spetish 38 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: sizing me. I was like an experiment. These men who 39 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,959 Speaker 1: have these ideologies of like, Okay, if I'm with the 40 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 1: trans woman, does that make me gay? Does that make 41 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,320 Speaker 1: me buy? Like? They have like these thoughts that they're 42 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:42,440 Speaker 1: fighting in their head, and so yes, we're gonna have 43 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,520 Speaker 1: a casual hook up, but it's got to be so 44 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:49,840 Speaker 1: hush hush. I think that's what tears out my soul, 45 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:53,440 Speaker 1: knowing that you are not okay with being seen with 46 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: me in public. So with Adam, he wanted to go 47 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 1: on a date. He wanted to meet in a public place. 48 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,320 Speaker 1: He said, when are you coming to San Diego next? 49 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,240 Speaker 1: And I happened to be going that weekend. He says, 50 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 1: why don't you meet me at this hookah spot that 51 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:21,560 Speaker 1: I know. So I got in my little Toyota Corolla 52 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,720 Speaker 1: and I drove down the fift South heading to San 53 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:35,440 Speaker 1: Diego and I see this guy. He's just leaning on 54 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:40,159 Speaker 1: the wall with his foot up on the wall, and 55 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:45,400 Speaker 1: I'm like, that's him. He opens the door to the 56 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 1: hookah lounge. We walk in and everybody knows him. They're like, hey, 57 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 1: I do him? Hows going? This guy's bringing me to 58 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:01,480 Speaker 1: a hang out that he is a regular at. That 59 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:05,080 Speaker 1: told me that he wasn't embarrassed to parade me around, 60 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:09,279 Speaker 1: that he wasn't hung up on me being a trans woman. 61 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:18,760 Speaker 1: I felt very comfortable right away. Adam had this vibe 62 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,600 Speaker 1: about him. He seemed like like a little rich boy. 63 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,720 Speaker 1: I learned that his father was a doctor, he had 64 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:33,719 Speaker 1: his own practice. His mom was a psychologist. He's asking 65 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 1: me things about my family, like, oh, you know, what 66 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 1: are your parents do? And I'm like, oh, ship, shame right, 67 00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:45,280 Speaker 1: because my mom's in prison, my dad's out tweaking somewhere 68 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,960 Speaker 1: under a bridge or something. I don't want to get 69 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:55,039 Speaker 1: into that, so I right away start with a lie, Oh, 70 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,479 Speaker 1: you know, I'm not very close to my family. I 71 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,919 Speaker 1: don't really know like what they're up to. M And 72 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:04,839 Speaker 1: he believed me, and I just got the feeling that 73 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:15,440 Speaker 1: it was better that way. He came from a very 74 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:20,000 Speaker 1: conservative family. He looked like the Brady Bunch family that 75 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:25,560 Speaker 1: I wanted so badly. Bright he came from his parents 76 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:29,599 Speaker 1: were married, his parents who were successful. He had a 77 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:36,039 Speaker 1: good upbringing, he was well mannered. The outsides looked really good. 78 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 1: I was attracted to him, to the whole family picture, 79 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:46,159 Speaker 1: and we were getting pretty serious, dating all the time 80 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 1: and not dating anyone else. He'd invite me over to 81 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:57,480 Speaker 1: have dinner with his family, and that made me feel 82 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:02,680 Speaker 1: very good. But I knew that Adam hadn't a one 83 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,159 Speaker 1: that I was transgender, and I was nervous to go 84 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,680 Speaker 1: to his house for dinner because his dad was a doctor. 85 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,120 Speaker 1: Would he noticed something about me and my features, my body. 86 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:17,040 Speaker 1: I don't know something that would give it away. Adam said, 87 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:24,040 Speaker 1: if this question ever comes up, deny, deny, deny. They 88 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:27,240 Speaker 1: were right wing conservatives, so I knew that me being 89 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:32,440 Speaker 1: transgender wasn't something that they were going to accept, but 90 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:38,480 Speaker 1: I had never been told that I had to actively lie, deny, deny, deny, 91 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:43,640 Speaker 1: just like Adam said. At the time, I said, I understood, 92 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:56,559 Speaker 1: and I agreed to lie. No. No, what no? And 93 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 1: I remember I think I asked Adam on an occasion, 94 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:05,280 Speaker 1: what would your parents think, and he said, oh, well, 95 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,680 Speaker 1: they'd have a problem with it because my older brother 96 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,320 Speaker 1: is gay and they just can't seem to accept that, 97 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:19,000 Speaker 1: especially my father. So they were already dealing with that 98 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:26,240 Speaker 1: prejudice within their own family. Adam was her baby, and 99 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,840 Speaker 1: so Adam, I think, felt the need to protect that 100 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:45,000 Speaker 1: and I had to play along. I had just celebrated 101 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:49,000 Speaker 1: five years of sobriety, and he would tell me things like, well, 102 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,360 Speaker 1: you know, maybe you don't need your Tolster program anymore. 103 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,080 Speaker 1: You've been sober for five years, like you got it 104 00:08:55,120 --> 00:09:02,199 Speaker 1: from here, And I started drifting away for my program slowly, 105 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 1: because I want him to like me. I want him 106 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,400 Speaker 1: to think that I'm strong, that I want what he wants. 107 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,160 Speaker 1: Obama was in office and all he did was talk 108 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:24,440 Speaker 1: about Obama. He've had cardboard cutouts of Obama and he 109 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 1: shoot pellets at him in his backyard. That I stopped 110 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:36,760 Speaker 1: voicing any sort of opinions that I may have, political 111 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:43,920 Speaker 1: or religious. I I'm ashamed of my family, so he 112 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:48,920 Speaker 1: never meets anyone. Eventually, I had to tell him that 113 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:53,160 Speaker 1: my mom was in prison, and right away, I'm like, yeah, 114 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 1: but I don't have a relationship with her. Don't worry 115 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,160 Speaker 1: because I don't want him to think bless of me. 116 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,760 Speaker 1: And he responds, yeah, that makes total sense. She sounds 117 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:16,200 Speaker 1: like bad news. So I keep lying. I was taking 118 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: estrogen shots, right, so I'd get my estrogen shot and 119 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:26,520 Speaker 1: then I'd go see Adam, and you know, I get 120 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:33,320 Speaker 1: some side effects from estrogen shots, hot flashes, nausea. So 121 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,000 Speaker 1: he said, oh, no, I understand, I understand your side effects. 122 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:40,839 Speaker 1: I get side effects from the saucer into Adam had 123 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 1: secrets too, behind my back. He'd been taking steroids for bodybuilding. Well. 124 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:53,880 Speaker 1: His major side effect was anger. He starts having these 125 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:59,439 Speaker 1: like bouts of rage. I didn't want the situation to escalate, 126 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 1: so I just quiet and didn't say anything. Are you 127 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 1: sensing a pattern? I started carrying secrets from a very 128 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:28,240 Speaker 1: young age. I think I started keeping secrets just because 129 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:32,480 Speaker 1: I got the sense that my grandma didn't want these 130 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:38,320 Speaker 1: things to be known. I remember being about six years old, 131 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:42,760 Speaker 1: my grandma was starting a bath for me, and you know, 132 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 1: just being a curious little kid that I was, I 133 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:48,280 Speaker 1: was always going through things and going through drawers, and 134 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:53,400 Speaker 1: I remember looking behind the toilet and seeing something shiny 135 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 1: that just called my attention. And I picked it up 136 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,800 Speaker 1: and it was a piece of tinfoil and I showed 137 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,680 Speaker 1: it to my grandmother and I'm like, what is this? 138 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 1: And she freaked out. She's like, oh my god, this 139 00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:10,840 Speaker 1: is drugs. This is what heroine looks like, you know. 140 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:14,719 Speaker 1: And she opened it and I saw the dark residue 141 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,760 Speaker 1: on it, and she's like, you have to be on 142 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,800 Speaker 1: the lookout for these kinds of things because you sat 143 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,520 Speaker 1: the drugs that your mom takes. So you have to 144 00:12:22,559 --> 00:12:26,559 Speaker 1: tell me when you find something like this, tell me immediately, 145 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:34,600 Speaker 1: but don't tell anyone else, not your aunt's not your mom, nobody. 146 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:40,720 Speaker 1: This is a secret. And so that was like when 147 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:49,600 Speaker 1: I started becoming my grandmother's little spy. I think there 148 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:53,240 Speaker 1: was a lot of prejudice from my mom's sisters just 149 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:58,080 Speaker 1: because she was a drug addict, and I think my 150 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:02,840 Speaker 1: grandmother in a way felt she about hurt that. So 151 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:06,160 Speaker 1: I had to keep those secrets. And then there was 152 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:10,520 Speaker 1: this other lingering secret all through my life about who 153 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 1: I was. It actually didn't start out as much of 154 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,679 Speaker 1: a secret. Mammy Leacha was proud of who I was, 155 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,199 Speaker 1: the same grandmother who made me light to my mom, 156 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:28,599 Speaker 1: who made me keep secrets about her drug use. She 157 00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:39,960 Speaker 1: had no shame at all about who I was. So 158 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,760 Speaker 1: as a kid, as a toddler, I had long, curly 159 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,720 Speaker 1: hair and it was very light. It was almost as 160 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:50,160 Speaker 1: light as Mammy Lecha's hair. You know. She always had 161 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,200 Speaker 1: these up dudes and a lot of AquaNet in her hair, 162 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 1: and always had makeup on, and she had these really 163 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:02,439 Speaker 1: nice silk dresses that I remember her wearing, and she 164 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:07,200 Speaker 1: was just always so well put together, and I remember 165 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:11,559 Speaker 1: just admiring that. It was like I just wanted to 166 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:18,120 Speaker 1: be elegant like her. She would let me play with dolls. 167 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:23,240 Speaker 1: She would buy me dolls, and she let me really 168 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:27,880 Speaker 1: just be myself. She didn't have a problem with that, 169 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:33,280 Speaker 1: at least that's the feeling that I got. I remember 170 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,640 Speaker 1: this was when like he Man and Sheira were thing, 171 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,920 Speaker 1: and I wanted to play with she was so bad, 172 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,840 Speaker 1: and so my grandmother bought me Sheira and she let 173 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,320 Speaker 1: me play with whatever dolls I wanted. And my aunt 174 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,080 Speaker 1: would come and she would tell my grandmother, like, don't 175 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:50,160 Speaker 1: buy him those girl toys. He's a boy like, and 176 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 1: she would bring me boy toys like cars and play 177 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:59,640 Speaker 1: guns and you know, little boy toys, and she'd throw 178 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 1: away my dolls. When my grandmother would get so mad 179 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,000 Speaker 1: and she tell her, like, just let him be himself. 180 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: But I stopped living with my militia when I was seven. 181 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: I moved in with my dad's mom my nana, and 182 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: I got a different message. I wanted to learn how 183 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,760 Speaker 1: to play the piano, learn how to play a guitar. 184 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,200 Speaker 1: I think because I was a very feminine little boy, 185 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,720 Speaker 1: there was always that fear that I was going to 186 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:38,600 Speaker 1: be gay. I used to love to dance, I used 187 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:42,240 Speaker 1: to love to singing. I used to be very creative 188 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:46,120 Speaker 1: and artistic. And right away, like if you're suspected of 189 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:50,880 Speaker 1: being very feminine or or gay, like it's like, okay, 190 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,760 Speaker 1: let's like not let you dance, or let's not let 191 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:59,120 Speaker 1: you play a guitar or be artistic, kind of trying 192 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:03,200 Speaker 1: to steer me into their in direction, away from who 193 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:09,680 Speaker 1: I actually was. Like I stopped dancing completely when I 194 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:13,920 Speaker 1: was probably around twelve because my no, she would tell 195 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,840 Speaker 1: me that I danced like a woman, and don't move 196 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:21,240 Speaker 1: like that, that's too feminine. So I stopped dancing all together. 197 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,640 Speaker 1: And now if I try dancing like, I can't do it. 198 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:36,520 Speaker 1: I have zero rhythm, zero coordination. M I think he 199 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:42,720 Speaker 1: was in my teenage years when they finally realized that, okay, 200 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,960 Speaker 1: he's gay, because I started plucking my eyebrows and I 201 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:50,320 Speaker 1: started just being into more feminine things. And like I said, 202 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:54,120 Speaker 1: I've never been masculine, so I couldn't really passed as 203 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:58,400 Speaker 1: like a masculine straight guy. That that just wasn't me. 204 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,400 Speaker 1: I didn't even like calling myself a boy. It was 205 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:10,280 Speaker 1: uncomfortable to call myself a boy. I couldn't really be 206 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:15,360 Speaker 1: myself around my family. There was this unspoken don't ask, 207 00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:21,320 Speaker 1: ston't tell policy in the beginning of my transition, I 208 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:26,400 Speaker 1: didn't really have a support system or you know, trans 209 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,040 Speaker 1: friends that I could pick their brains. I didn't have that. 210 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:34,840 Speaker 1: I couldn't did all on my own, and so just 211 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:39,560 Speaker 1: everything that I researched on the internet and just you know, 212 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,840 Speaker 1: I also I was in therapy at the time, so 213 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,159 Speaker 1: I was having these deep conversations with my therapists, my 214 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:51,359 Speaker 1: psychologist about this um. I was mentally prepared to be 215 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 1: cut off by the family because that's what I had 216 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:58,720 Speaker 1: read so much online, That's what my therapist said might happen, 217 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:03,720 Speaker 1: and so I was mentally prepared to just be cut off. 218 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:18,000 Speaker 1: I think what made me most nervous was that, you know, 219 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,840 Speaker 1: I grew up with this idea that appearance and image 220 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:27,000 Speaker 1: and reputation is everything. And my grandmother always up how 221 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 1: like her image, and she carried herself a certain way, 222 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,480 Speaker 1: and she looked a certain way. So I felt that 223 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,160 Speaker 1: I didn't want to add on to like the shame 224 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,600 Speaker 1: of like what we had already been through as a family. 225 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:44,760 Speaker 1: So I carried that like just assuming that you know, 226 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:50,000 Speaker 1: maybe she'd be ashamed or embarrassed. And I carried a 227 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,440 Speaker 1: shame for so many years after that into my adult life, 228 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:57,880 Speaker 1: into my professional life, like not being open about who 229 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,719 Speaker 1: I was from the get go because I didn't want 230 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:05,919 Speaker 1: to be discriminated against, and I didn't want to be 231 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:13,399 Speaker 1: talked about. It was just such a heavy burden to have, 232 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:34,800 Speaker 1: you know, it started eating at me. Adam accepted me 233 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,879 Speaker 1: for himself right. He was proud to call me his 234 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:42,119 Speaker 1: girlfriend and took me on trips and paraded me around town. 235 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,040 Speaker 1: He was fine accepting me as what I passed as 236 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:52,040 Speaker 1: a woman, as long as people around him, especially his family, 237 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:56,440 Speaker 1: thought that I was assist woman. He was good. I'm 238 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,400 Speaker 1: in this relationship with this person who says he loves me, 239 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 1: but have to hide everything that I am. I have 240 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:08,040 Speaker 1: to hide that my mom is in prison. I have 241 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:12,800 Speaker 1: to cover my tattoos. I can't voice my political beliefs. 242 00:20:13,119 --> 00:20:17,680 Speaker 1: I have to hide the fact that I'm transgender. So 243 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:21,320 Speaker 1: it was almost like I was just there to adorn 244 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:26,240 Speaker 1: him and make him look good. I mean, he told me, oh, my, 245 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,120 Speaker 1: my father thinks you're so pretty. He thinks you have 246 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,879 Speaker 1: this sexy latina with big boobs and he likes you. 247 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:44,800 Speaker 1: Sounds a little weird, I know. I remember one night 248 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:49,320 Speaker 1: we were driving to his parents house. We stopped at 249 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:53,520 Speaker 1: Starbucks on the way and something was bothering me. Maybe 250 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:58,480 Speaker 1: it was Adam. So at Starbucks, I got a latte 251 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:03,199 Speaker 1: and drinking in the car ride. As soon as we 252 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:08,439 Speaker 1: got to his parents house, I started itching, like really itching. 253 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:16,520 Speaker 1: I broke out in hives. My throat started swelling. And 254 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:21,240 Speaker 1: I'm not allergic to milk. I'm supposed to always carrying 255 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:24,399 Speaker 1: up a pen because I'm allergic to shellfish, but there 256 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,919 Speaker 1: was definitely no shell fish in my latte. And then 257 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:32,399 Speaker 1: I have an EpiPen with me anyways, so I started 258 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 1: scratching my head. I became really itchy, like if I 259 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:40,040 Speaker 1: have a thousand ants in my head, and I start 260 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:45,560 Speaker 1: feeling my heart beat really really fast. My throat starts 261 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:50,280 Speaker 1: closing a little bit. I started getting these hives around 262 00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:55,800 Speaker 1: my face. My I start swelling. I started looking deformed, 263 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,440 Speaker 1: and right away, you know, He's like, let me get 264 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,400 Speaker 1: you some ban and drills. So he gives me and Drew. 265 00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:06,680 Speaker 1: He calls his dad to come check on me, his dad, 266 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:13,240 Speaker 1: the doctor. He tells me his dad's coming upstairs, and 267 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,639 Speaker 1: I looked at him and like, Adam, what if he 268 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:20,240 Speaker 1: like checks me, like he's gonna he's gonna feel me. 269 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:29,159 Speaker 1: And I hear his footsteps on the stairs. So as 270 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 1: Adam's dad is examining my body. You right, he's putting 271 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,960 Speaker 1: his hands around my neck to feel my lymph nodes. 272 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,880 Speaker 1: I don't want him to feel my throat. I don't 273 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:47,639 Speaker 1: want him to feel my Adam's apple. He's feeling my chest, 274 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:55,879 Speaker 1: seeing if I'm breathing regularly, and I get so scared. 275 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,880 Speaker 1: I started thinking, this man, he's a doctor, he's smart. 276 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,480 Speaker 1: If he doesn't know, he's gonna definitely know. After this, 277 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,159 Speaker 1: I'm more concerned about taking care of his image that 278 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:15,480 Speaker 1: his family has of him than taking care of my 279 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:27,440 Speaker 1: own health. Not long after that, Adam and I broke up. 280 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:33,440 Speaker 1: It wasn't that day that caused the breakup, as far 281 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:37,000 Speaker 1: as I know, his dad never found out, and I 282 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:41,880 Speaker 1: never told Adam how painful that experience was. We broke 283 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:46,200 Speaker 1: up after some other disagreement. But looking back, I think 284 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:54,880 Speaker 1: this was a really important day. All I can say 285 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:56,560 Speaker 1: is I was young and dumb, and I wanted to 286 00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:58,240 Speaker 1: fit in, and I wanted to be liked, and I 287 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:02,360 Speaker 1: wanted to be part of the Brady Bench family. It's ridiculous. 288 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:09,480 Speaker 1: I felt a need to protect him. Today, I feel like, 289 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,800 Speaker 1: oh my god, how could you have done that, sacrifice 290 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:19,200 Speaker 1: who you are just to save someone's reputation, all because 291 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:23,560 Speaker 1: you wanted to be a part of it. I didn't 292 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:29,919 Speaker 1: want to sacrifice myself. I hated hiding, and after Adam, 293 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:33,000 Speaker 1: I didn't want to be forced into secrecy all over again. 294 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:39,919 Speaker 1: So I made some changes. That's next time on Crumbs. 295 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,840 Speaker 1: Crumbs is the production of I Heart Radios Michael Lua 296 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:58,920 Speaker 1: podcast Network in association with Trojan Horse. It's produced by 297 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:04,320 Speaker 1: Margaret Catcher and edited by Jazzmin Rometto and Alex Fumeto. 298 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:09,119 Speaker 1: Original music by Daniel Peter Schmidt and engineering by Manuel 299 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,720 Speaker 1: Executive produced by Gisevances and Conno Burn for I Heeart, 300 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:23,439 Speaker 1: Alex Bumeto for Trojan Horse, Joshua Weinstein, Jazzmindrometo, Camilla and 301 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:28,640 Speaker 1: and me Emio LEA special thanks to Monissa Hendrix, Fernand 302 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:33,119 Speaker 1: Estrava and Sara Mota. Listen to Crumbs on the I 303 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,840 Speaker 1: Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.