1 00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:05,400 Speaker 1: Hey, the folks. It is Wednesday, September the tenth, and 2 00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:09,000 Speaker 1: one of our readers wrote in asking for some very 3 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:13,840 Speaker 1: serious relationship advice, And what we want to say right 4 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:17,680 Speaker 1: now is thank you to so many of you who 5 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:21,119 Speaker 1: opened up and really helped this guy out of a 6 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:24,480 Speaker 1: situation that it seems like so many others have dealt with. 7 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:27,480 Speaker 1: And with that, welcome to this ask Amy and TJ 8 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:30,920 Speaker 1: edition of Amy and TJ Rhodes. I think I'm trying 9 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 1: to put it in the right way. We've been doing 10 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:35,600 Speaker 1: this column with Yahoo for a little while now. The 11 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:41,040 Speaker 1: responses on this one are the most what we've gotten 12 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 1: so far, the most intimate, personal, vulnerable sincere kind even 13 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:47,199 Speaker 1: in a lot of. 14 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 2: Ways, all of what you just mentioned are true, Yes, 15 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 2: because I think a lot I didn't realize how many 16 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 2: people out there have dealt with this. And truly, if 17 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 2: you've ever been divorced, and if you've ever thought that 18 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,520 Speaker 2: you're you know, most people when they get married and 19 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 2: they have kids, they feel like that's it, that's their 20 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 2: forever family. And often cases we know that that's just 21 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 2: not true, and so decisions you make with one family 22 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:13,920 Speaker 2: suddenly are not necessarily in line with what you need 23 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:17,479 Speaker 2: or want with your next wife or your next relationship. 24 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,840 Speaker 2: And so this is a very relatable situation where a 25 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 2: man had a aseectomy after having two kids with his 26 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 2: first wife, gets divorced, marries another woman. She knows he's 27 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,119 Speaker 2: had of aseectomy, and now four years later she says, hey, 28 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,480 Speaker 2: could you get your vasectomy reversed and could we have 29 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,360 Speaker 2: our own family? And this hit a nerve with a 30 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,319 Speaker 2: lot of readers who have had very similar experiences. 31 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,680 Speaker 1: No, I didn't think until we've kind of start talking 32 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,480 Speaker 1: about this. Now we talk about specifically of a sectomy. 33 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 1: But isn't it the case? Isn't it almost every relationship 34 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,880 Speaker 1: you come to some point some conversation has to be 35 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,640 Speaker 1: had about kids. Yes, who wants them? Who doesn't? Who 36 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,840 Speaker 1: wants them how badly? Who doesn't? Can you compromise and 37 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: the win? So I guess in a lot of ways, yes, 38 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,840 Speaker 1: even if you haven't dealt with an issue of aseectomy 39 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:08,280 Speaker 1: in your relationship, the issue of kids is always there. 40 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,639 Speaker 2: And from what I have read over the years, most 41 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:15,359 Speaker 2: relationship experts will say that if you have a disagreement 42 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:20,360 Speaker 2: about whether or not to have kids, that is relationship ending, 43 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:27,560 Speaker 2: because if you deny someone that very understandable biological emotional need, want, 44 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,919 Speaker 2: desire to have a child, and to forego that for love. 45 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,680 Speaker 2: It most likely will be relationship ending at some point 46 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:38,639 Speaker 2: because resentment builds. And you also have a finite number 47 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:43,040 Speaker 2: of years where that's even possible. And so if a woman, specifically, 48 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,000 Speaker 2: women have a much shorter ability to have children in 49 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,840 Speaker 2: terms of men can be having kids until their nineties, 50 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,720 Speaker 2: but women obviously have a very short window of time. 51 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,839 Speaker 2: And so if someone feels like someone stole that time 52 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 2: from her or she wasted that time with someone, that's 53 00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,600 Speaker 2: a common theme we hear a lot. It's just a 54 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 2: it is a relationship ender if you aren't in agreement 55 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:05,520 Speaker 2: in a lot of cases. 56 00:03:05,639 --> 00:03:08,919 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's you mentioned the that's added pressure too. This 57 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,160 Speaker 1: is already a difficult thing, and then you're looking at 58 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,520 Speaker 1: a clock as you're having this conversation with your loved one, 59 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:18,160 Speaker 1: your spouse. So yeah, maybe that's why this really really 60 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 1: did strike a nerve with a lot of people. So 61 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 1: let's give you now the original question that we got 62 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,960 Speaker 1: from this. Dad didn't give a name, just signed off 63 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:29,520 Speaker 1: as dad can't decide, but wrote into us asking Amy and. 64 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,959 Speaker 2: Teacher I'm a forty five year old man with two 65 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 2: kids from my first marriage. After having those children, I 66 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 2: got a vasectomy. I remarried four years ago and told 67 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,680 Speaker 2: my current wife about my visectomy while we were dating. 68 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,120 Speaker 2: Now she is asking me if I would want to 69 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,640 Speaker 2: get the vissectomy reversed so we can have our own family. 70 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:51,480 Speaker 2: What should I do? Asks, Dad can't decide, and our. 71 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:55,400 Speaker 1: General or my I'll speak to Advice was just you 72 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,400 Speaker 1: have to speak to each other immediately. This conversation has 73 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,400 Speaker 1: to be had. But I also wanted to remind them 74 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 1: that your relationship is good if you love each other. 75 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,360 Speaker 1: Nothing has changed about each other. Keep that in mind. 76 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,360 Speaker 1: But it does. So you were just saying about this 77 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,080 Speaker 1: being a relationship ender. If they could have had this 78 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:19,600 Speaker 1: conversation when they first started dating, I have a vasectomy, 79 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 1: Well I want kids, it wouldn't have been a date too. 80 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 2: Probably not so. 81 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:29,440 Speaker 1: If she has changed now and now she's someone who 82 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 1: definitely wants kids, that could be a relationship in there. Yeah, 83 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:35,960 Speaker 1: that's unfortunate. If they are in a solid, yeah relationship of. 84 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,799 Speaker 2: It, and that's sad and scary. And I can understand 85 00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:39,920 Speaker 2: why he doesn't know what to do because he probably 86 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,080 Speaker 2: is acutely aware that if he says no, that that 87 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,280 Speaker 2: could be the end of his second marriage, and that 88 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,440 Speaker 2: is significant. And so I just asked him to really 89 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 2: be honest with himself what does he want? Because that's 90 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,160 Speaker 2: not something you can undo. And he knows that all 91 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 2: too well, with having had two other children. But his 92 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 2: age is an issue. Forty five years old, you know, 93 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:01,160 Speaker 2: that's something to consider. And people have children in their 94 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:05,360 Speaker 2: forties all the time, but it comes at a much 95 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,880 Speaker 2: different expense when you're that much older. You know, you 96 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,039 Speaker 2: now are thinking about I'm going to be going to 97 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:15,040 Speaker 2: college graduations or high school graduations in my sixties, when 98 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,960 Speaker 2: a lot of folks are welcoming grandchildren. So it is 99 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 2: an important thing to think about where you want to 100 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:23,960 Speaker 2: be in your life, not now, but twenty years from now. Right. 101 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,280 Speaker 1: So, and I always ask this before you get into 102 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:29,200 Speaker 1: the reader comments, men or women? What were you getting majority? 103 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 2: See? I felt like there were a good mix, but again, 104 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,719 Speaker 2: oh I'm looking at our thing. It's well, you know what, 105 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:39,240 Speaker 2: it's a mix. But still I do think that men 106 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,920 Speaker 2: still weigh in more. It's so interesting. I totally would 107 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 2: have thought it was the opposite, but we'll begin with 108 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 2: a woman. Okay, and this is a bit of a 109 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 2: long comment, but I really liked what she had to 110 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:52,680 Speaker 2: say because she gave some personal experience and then gave advice, 111 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,760 Speaker 2: and I thought it was really really good. So this 112 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 2: came from Danielle. Danielle, thank you for this. This was 113 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,760 Speaker 2: really really cool, she writes, I can understand why feelings change, 114 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 2: especially about having children together with the person you love. 115 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,479 Speaker 2: I do feel he discussed this with her in the 116 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,920 Speaker 2: beginning and she is having a change of heart. Quick background. 117 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,320 Speaker 2: I was thirty three and my husband was forty two 118 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:16,240 Speaker 2: when we met. He has one kid and I don't 119 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 2: have any kids. When things turned serious, he told me 120 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,680 Speaker 2: he had a sectomy, but would be willing to have 121 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 2: a reversal or discuss adoption with me if we decided 122 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,040 Speaker 2: to have children together. I thanked him for bringing up 123 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,799 Speaker 2: this important topic, but that I was good just getting 124 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:31,920 Speaker 2: his kid raised so that we could go about our lives, 125 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 2: which we have done. Back to this couple, if he 126 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,520 Speaker 2: still does not want any more children, then he should 127 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,920 Speaker 2: stick with that. I know it isn't the same as 128 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 2: having children, but maybe this couple can find something new 129 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 2: to focus on. And do together, whether it's learning a language, 130 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:51,640 Speaker 2: joining a hiking club, visiting all the Major League Baseball stadiums, pottery, metalwork, 131 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,880 Speaker 2: charity work, etc. I agree with Amy that new things 132 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,839 Speaker 2: come up all the time in a relationship and you 133 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,000 Speaker 2: have to make choices, but if you can make them 134 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,760 Speaker 2: together with respect, that's the best way forward. Good luck 135 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 2: to this couple. I hope whatever decision they make together 136 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 2: makes their relationship even stronger. 137 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,520 Speaker 1: Thank you for that, and thank you for folks who 138 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 1: take the time to write that kind of thing down. 139 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,640 Speaker 1: And sometimes people are quick and can be dismissive or 140 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 1: make you know, I just want to give a quick, 141 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:19,160 Speaker 1: quick response that was thoughtful, and this is someone who 142 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:23,000 Speaker 1: wrote into us who genuinely needs help and is struggling 143 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,360 Speaker 1: with something. So I really just appreciate first and foremost 144 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,360 Speaker 1: just that she took time and was that compassionate. 145 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,080 Speaker 2: I know it stood out to me too, because yes, 146 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,040 Speaker 2: we do get a lot of snarky comments, and they 147 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 2: can be funny in one offs, but this is actually 148 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 2: someone's life who they're putting out there for the world, 149 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,160 Speaker 2: and they're asking for help. So I appreciated Danielle's advice. 150 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,240 Speaker 2: All Right, we'll move on next to Phil. Phil writes 151 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,560 Speaker 2: in the comments and says, I'm forty eight and started 152 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,680 Speaker 2: dating last year after being a widower for four years. 153 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 2: My son is thirteen. There is no way I would 154 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,960 Speaker 2: start over. I would be pushing seventy realistically, if I 155 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,560 Speaker 2: met someone and decided to have a kid. A kid 156 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:05,360 Speaker 2: deserves a dad, not a grandpa. I thought that was interesting. 157 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,520 Speaker 1: I think that's an interesting something to think about there that. 158 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 1: Of course, plenty of older dads who would take issue 159 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,040 Speaker 1: with that. That can be healthy, But generally speaking, I 160 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: don't think that's far fetched to say that, And it 161 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,240 Speaker 1: almost he almost takes the position that it's unfair to 162 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:22,240 Speaker 1: the child, like you're not doing right by a kid 163 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,520 Speaker 1: to put the child in a position to have a 164 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:29,760 Speaker 1: dad as old as you could possibly be. Or the guys, 165 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:31,760 Speaker 1: I guess I we'll find out in a second. But 166 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,360 Speaker 1: was there a theme to the men. 167 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:38,120 Speaker 2: Yes, they were very much on dad who can't decide 168 00:08:38,679 --> 00:08:41,760 Speaker 2: yes side, saying hey, you made the decision, already stick 169 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,080 Speaker 2: with it. But there are some cautionary tales for folks 170 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:46,640 Speaker 2: who have reversed. So can I ask, though she. 171 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 1: Can change her mind? Can't? He though? If she can 172 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,160 Speaker 1: change her mind. He can't, but it seems like it's 173 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,600 Speaker 1: being prompted by something else and not his own. 174 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,960 Speaker 2: If he was willing to change his mind, he wouldn't 175 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 2: have written in does that was my big like you 176 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,680 Speaker 2: need to acknowledge said the reason why you wrote to 177 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:04,079 Speaker 2: us is because you actually don't want to, and you're 178 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 2: almost hoping someone can convince you too, because deep down 179 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,240 Speaker 2: you know you don't want. 180 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:10,959 Speaker 1: Okay, So then that's where I am why you err 181 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,160 Speaker 1: on the side off he deep down doesn't want to. 182 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:13,840 Speaker 2: I think that. 183 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,880 Speaker 1: Can't he just be undecided? Can't he just be torn 184 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 1: right now and truly trying to figure this thing out? Sure, 185 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,960 Speaker 1: it does seem like a danger if someone to be 186 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:27,120 Speaker 1: convinced to have to be talked into a decision. That is, 187 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,520 Speaker 1: there are more life altering thing that happens to anyone 188 00:09:30,559 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 1: than having a kid. 189 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:35,240 Speaker 2: No, no, no, it is the single most life altering 190 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 2: event that will ever happen to you. All right. Billy 191 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,319 Speaker 2: writes this, After having two children with my first wife, 192 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,760 Speaker 2: I had a vasectomy. After marrying my second wife, she 193 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,880 Speaker 2: decided she wanted children, knowing I'd had a sectamy. 194 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,559 Speaker 1: Okay, the same situation, Yes. 195 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 2: Almost exact same situation. Billy says, I gave in and 196 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:58,840 Speaker 2: had a vasectomy reversal. Okay, all right, it isn't a 197 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,960 Speaker 2: major surgery, but it is very uncomfortable for a few days. 198 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:08,559 Speaker 2: The problem is vseectamy reversals rarely work. Mine didn't, and 199 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:12,280 Speaker 2: that led to a second divorce. Guys, be sure to 200 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:15,520 Speaker 2: discuss this at length with any woman you are considering marrying. 201 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,319 Speaker 2: You can save yourself a lot of grief by doing this. 202 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:22,440 Speaker 1: That was a really good I have been there and 203 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,679 Speaker 1: done that note. Don't you know, I haven't looked up. 204 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: I don't know what the percentage is of how vasectomies. 205 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:32,520 Speaker 1: I thought we'd seen it at some point. But the 206 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,679 Speaker 1: idea that he is saying it doesn't matter I that 207 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:39,720 Speaker 1: vaseectamy works or not. This is going to end badly 208 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:40,000 Speaker 1: for you. 209 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:44,720 Speaker 2: Yeap, that is what he's saying. Oh my god, Yes, 210 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,760 Speaker 2: all right, So let's get in Steve, because I love 211 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,720 Speaker 2: what Steve had to say. His first response. His first 212 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:56,440 Speaker 2: word adopt exclamation points adopt. I had mine done, meaning 213 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,120 Speaker 2: he had a vasectomy. I had mine done about ten 214 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:03,440 Speaker 2: years ago, right after I turned thirty. I never wanted kids. 215 00:11:03,559 --> 00:11:06,920 Speaker 2: My daughter is eighteen, so I've been thinking about starting 216 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:10,280 Speaker 2: over for a purpose. I adopted an eight year old. 217 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,480 Speaker 2: No diapers, no waking up every three hours to feed. 218 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 2: We just throw the ball or kick the soccer ball 219 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:20,480 Speaker 2: every night and we're both happy. That was an interesting alternative. 220 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:25,480 Speaker 1: These are really good responses today, but that's a different option. 221 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:29,000 Speaker 1: It's essentially saying, change your focus. It's not necessarily about 222 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:33,360 Speaker 1: having your own biological children or having your own biological family. 223 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,000 Speaker 1: Even it's having your own unit, your own family, and 224 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,960 Speaker 1: you're doing it by actually helping out another human being 225 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,319 Speaker 1: and he desperately needs it. 226 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,920 Speaker 2: And interestingly, when you adopt an older child, they're obviously 227 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,720 Speaker 2: less adoptable in terms of what people are looking for 228 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,880 Speaker 2: or wanting. But you now don't have that old dad thing, 229 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 2: because if you can get a little bit of an 230 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,719 Speaker 2: older child, you're not necessarily in the same boat as 231 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,320 Speaker 2: starting over with an infant at the age you're at. 232 00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:57,800 Speaker 2: It was another way to look at it, and I 233 00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,800 Speaker 2: thought it was an interesting option that I don't know 234 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,000 Speaker 2: if they've considered or not. 235 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,880 Speaker 1: And you know, I wouldn't have thought about that, but 236 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,240 Speaker 1: only people who have gone through this, and these are 237 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:09,120 Speaker 1: really good responses this time. 238 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:14,040 Speaker 2: Around, agreed, agreed, all right, want to get in Chris, So, 239 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:17,760 Speaker 2: I don't know if Chris is a man or a woman. 240 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,400 Speaker 2: I'm trying to look and see, all right. Chris writes this, 241 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:25,280 Speaker 2: You made your children and your choice, bravo, by the 242 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:29,520 Speaker 2: way she made hers when she married you, knowing you 243 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:30,360 Speaker 2: were fixed. 244 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:31,720 Speaker 1: Haha. 245 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 2: Would she even make a good mother or is she 246 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:39,840 Speaker 2: just attempting to put her stamp on your marriage by 247 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,959 Speaker 2: also having children to be equal to your first wife. 248 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 2: That is not at all uncommon and also a terrible 249 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,600 Speaker 2: reason to have a baby. If she's insistent at this stage, 250 00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:51,920 Speaker 2: you need to ask yourself if you end up with 251 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,480 Speaker 2: two ex wives, do you want dual child support? Because that, 252 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,960 Speaker 2: my friend, is just as likely as whatever fantasy this 253 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,120 Speaker 2: woman has in her head about having your kids. Proceed 254 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,640 Speaker 2: with caution. I had never even thought about it from 255 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:10,280 Speaker 2: those perspectives at all. But an interesting point, that Chris 256 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,440 Speaker 2: is making a man or a woman? You said, I 257 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,480 Speaker 2: can't tell because Chris is one of those names that 258 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,240 Speaker 2: could go either way. 259 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 1: Chris sounds like one of one of his boys, like 260 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:23,040 Speaker 1: warning him about everything. Yes, this could happen. Now, what 261 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,679 Speaker 1: if she does this? And then you're going to be 262 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,800 Speaker 1: divorced twice and then and so a lot of cautionary 263 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,040 Speaker 1: tales in there, which I don't mind. 264 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,439 Speaker 2: It's always worth I think you need to hear that. 265 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,720 Speaker 2: I think you need to be reminded of what could 266 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,920 Speaker 2: happen and look in this like, yes, we all have 267 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,480 Speaker 2: this dream in this hope when we marry someone obviously 268 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaker 2: that you are going to stay married forever. But that 269 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:45,480 Speaker 2: is not the case in fifty percent of marriages, give 270 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 2: or take, so you have to and second marriages, actually, 271 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 2: I believe, have an even higher rate of failure. So 272 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,120 Speaker 2: you have to consider all of that that this isn't 273 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,839 Speaker 2: just about the marriage or her or saving her. It's 274 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,640 Speaker 2: about a child, a human being who will be in 275 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,440 Speaker 2: your life forever. 276 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,800 Speaker 1: Do you have stats on third marriages as well? 277 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,960 Speaker 2: No, but we can save that for the next episode. 278 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,960 Speaker 2: All right, when we come back, we're gonna hear from 279 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:14,199 Speaker 2: Larry Kay in June, who have some very different type 280 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 2: of advice and it's something that we should all consider 281 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:20,240 Speaker 2: before we go to break. 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This is our 298 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:27,080 Speaker 2: Ask Amy and TJ episode where we read your comments, 299 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:31,000 Speaker 2: the readers who chimed in to give our guy Dad 300 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,880 Speaker 2: who can't decide, some advice and some really good advice. 301 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 2: This time around, I really appreciated, we appreciated the readers 302 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,280 Speaker 2: who wrote in to say what they have been through 303 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:45,080 Speaker 2: or what they think Dad who can't decide should do. 304 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:49,560 Speaker 2: So we hear this. We've got some long comments, people 305 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,240 Speaker 2: telling their stories, but Larry Kay kept it very simple, 306 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,440 Speaker 2: and I thought this was really interesting. Larry Kay said, 307 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:58,040 Speaker 2: this sounds like the old I'll just change him routine 308 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:00,400 Speaker 2: when someone tells you who they are. Listen. 309 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:01,560 Speaker 1: Look. 310 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,560 Speaker 2: I do think I'll speak for some women and for myself. 311 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,480 Speaker 2: You know what, I'll speak for myself. I do think 312 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,640 Speaker 2: a lot of us might go into relationships thinking, Okay, 313 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:13,560 Speaker 2: I like this guy, but I can change him. I 314 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,840 Speaker 2: can make him see things my way. I can get 315 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,520 Speaker 2: him on board with what I really want. I know 316 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,720 Speaker 2: that is manipulation, and I know that is not at 317 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,960 Speaker 2: all how we should proceed. But I think a lot 318 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,520 Speaker 2: of women do make that mistake. They hear what the 319 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,160 Speaker 2: guy says, but they think he's just saying that. Now, 320 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,680 Speaker 2: wait till he's madly in love with me, and then 321 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,640 Speaker 2: I can get him to do what I want. I 322 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,280 Speaker 2: don't know that that's the case here, but it is 323 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,320 Speaker 2: something I hadn't considered before that maybe she had all 324 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,640 Speaker 2: along wanted kids, but we don't know that for sure. 325 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,680 Speaker 2: A lot of the readers, a lot of the comments 326 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,120 Speaker 2: insinuated that she knew what she was getting into. She 327 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 2: knew you had of a sectomy, she knew you didn't 328 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:55,160 Speaker 2: want more kids. This is incredibly manipulative on her part. 329 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:59,600 Speaker 1: I can see where that's coming from. The only reason 330 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:03,760 Speaker 1: I have a little issue with that is because it's 331 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,000 Speaker 1: of a sectomy. This is not just a guy saying 332 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,400 Speaker 1: he doesn't want to have kids and you think you're 333 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,520 Speaker 1: going to convince him later. You're saying you're gonna have 334 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,480 Speaker 1: to convince a guy to have a serious surgery later. Yes, 335 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,760 Speaker 1: And it's for of a sectomy. That doesn't that often work. 336 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: That's that's a lot of rolling of the dice and 337 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:27,960 Speaker 1: long term manipulation for aid and a plan. It's possible. 338 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 1: And I know and you said you're speaking for women, 339 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,119 Speaker 1: but we've seen cases before. It can be some of 340 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,760 Speaker 1: a sectomy is one thing, or kids is one thing. 341 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,800 Speaker 1: It could be something even Yeah, he's wearing his beard 342 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,840 Speaker 1: like this now, but I bet later I can get 343 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,120 Speaker 1: him to trim and just you know. 344 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 2: Absolutely, it's just all in the same in the same context. 345 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,920 Speaker 2: Something else interesting you Just because I was reading through 346 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,320 Speaker 2: all of these comments, I didn't put it in here 347 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,639 Speaker 2: to read out loud, but someone did point out with 348 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:55,480 Speaker 2: the sectames and we should I'm actually really interested. They said, 349 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,280 Speaker 2: if you wait more, If, if if there have been 350 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 2: several years in between when you got the vasectomy and 351 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:04,480 Speaker 2: when it was reversed, your chances of it actually working 352 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:07,879 Speaker 2: go down significantly. So he said he had had a 353 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,840 Speaker 2: vasectomy around thirty five, and it wasn't until his early 354 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,080 Speaker 2: forties that he wanted he decided to try and have 355 00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:15,639 Speaker 2: it reversed. Didn't work, and his doctor had told him 356 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,359 Speaker 2: when he got the vasectomy, don't worry, this can easily 357 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,320 Speaker 2: be reversed, so he thought when he was getting it, 358 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,479 Speaker 2: because he said, at the time he was dating an 359 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,320 Speaker 2: older woman who actually didn't want who couldn't have kids 360 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,680 Speaker 2: for reasons, and she didn't want to be on any 361 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 2: kind of birth control, so he got the vasectomy for her, 362 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,720 Speaker 2: but then fell in love, you know, seven years later, 363 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,320 Speaker 2: with some younger woman and he could not have kids. 364 00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:37,960 Speaker 2: So he just wanted to remind to all these men 365 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,960 Speaker 2: out there who were making decisions about getting a visseectomy 366 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:43,679 Speaker 2: in the first place, don't buy into this line that 367 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,280 Speaker 2: a doctor or a surgeon might sell you that you 368 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,960 Speaker 2: can easily have it reversed, because that's just not the case. 369 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 2: He was saying. I thought that was interesting. 370 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,800 Speaker 1: Wow, I had no idea. I'm looking up all this. 371 00:18:56,040 --> 00:19:02,880 Speaker 1: I'm looking at vaseectomy research. Here is a lot about pain. 372 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 1: Can you reverse it? I'm trying to fine what the 373 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,000 Speaker 1: percentage of success the success radio is of a physeectomy. 374 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:16,280 Speaker 2: All I know is it's not guaranteed. It's certainly not guaranteed. 375 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,800 Speaker 2: All right, So here's this is from June, and I 376 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:20,840 Speaker 2: thought this was We're going to end on this one 377 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,959 Speaker 2: because it's a really interesting and a completely different tone 378 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,520 Speaker 2: from all the other comments that we received. So June 379 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:33,440 Speaker 2: wrote in this, I had my tubes tied because I 380 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,880 Speaker 2: didn't want to have any more kids with my husband. 381 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,639 Speaker 2: Key part of the statement is with my husband, he 382 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:43,399 Speaker 2: was a manchild that required more work than was worth it. 383 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,880 Speaker 2: Fast forward a few years after my divorce, I met 384 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,320 Speaker 2: the love of my life. I had a reversal and 385 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,959 Speaker 2: had two more amazing and beautiful children. So when we 386 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:56,080 Speaker 2: make this decision, there is context to be considered. She's 387 00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:58,840 Speaker 2: also saying she thought she didn't want any more kids, 388 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,200 Speaker 2: but turns out she just didn't want any more kids 389 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,800 Speaker 2: with her then husband. So a lot of people. She 390 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,840 Speaker 2: is just warning people who are reading this. If you're 391 00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:11,240 Speaker 2: thinking you don't want more kids, ask yourself, do I 392 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,560 Speaker 2: not want more kids period? Or do I just not 393 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,280 Speaker 2: want more kids with this other person who I'm with? 394 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,480 Speaker 2: And some people make decisions based on the relationship they're 395 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:24,399 Speaker 2: in versus their actual desire to have kids or to 396 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:25,440 Speaker 2: not have more kids. 397 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:31,680 Speaker 1: So she is opening the possibility that minds can change 398 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,560 Speaker 1: based on circumstances and who you're around. Correct, It's possible 399 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:40,960 Speaker 1: then that this man was done having kids with that woman. 400 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:45,960 Speaker 1: It's possible he recognized that, and maybe that's why he's 401 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,760 Speaker 1: not married to that woman anymore. Correct, So now he's 402 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:54,600 Speaker 1: he should examine should he ask him that himself that question? 403 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:59,040 Speaker 1: Do I want something now with this woman? Does he 404 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:02,080 Speaker 1: already have a knat desire for it? I would be 405 00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:03,320 Speaker 1: curious to ask him that, you know. 406 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,320 Speaker 2: I said that this was the last comment, but there 407 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,439 Speaker 2: was one I was debating whether or not to add in, 408 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,919 Speaker 2: and I'm looking at it now and I want to 409 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:13,359 Speaker 2: add it because this is another completely different viewpoint that 410 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:18,399 Speaker 2: I think Dad, who can't decide, needs to actually hear, 411 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:23,359 Speaker 2: because again, to the point, this isn't necessarily about saving 412 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:26,600 Speaker 2: your marriage or saving your relationship. This is about another 413 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 2: human being who you would be bringing into the world. 414 00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:34,360 Speaker 2: Dan Oh says this, I'm lying here reading this story 415 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,600 Speaker 2: next to my sleeping ten year old daughter, who was 416 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,360 Speaker 2: born after my thirty four year old second wife begged 417 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,639 Speaker 2: me to get a reversal and have a child with 418 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,640 Speaker 2: her at forty six while we were madly in love. 419 00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:50,639 Speaker 2: I already had two older children from my first marriage. 420 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:55,320 Speaker 2: Literally exactly the situation as dad, who can't decide, and 421 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:58,439 Speaker 2: he had the kid. Okay, shortly after she got what 422 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:02,479 Speaker 2: she wanted, she left me. So he has this beautiful 423 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,600 Speaker 2: ten year old daughter who he was sleeping next to 424 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,560 Speaker 2: us he was reading this. But second wife is gone 425 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:09,960 Speaker 2: and now he has his daughter. And look, he didn't 426 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,040 Speaker 2: say he regretted it. He didn't say that he didn't 427 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,159 Speaker 2: want to be with his daughter. But it is a 428 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:19,359 Speaker 2: reminder that it isn't about the relationship, it's about the child, 429 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,360 Speaker 2: and that's what you have to think about. I think 430 00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:23,600 Speaker 2: that's a really that's probably a better note to end on, 431 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:26,040 Speaker 2: because that is what we're talking about, a child. 432 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:30,320 Speaker 1: That's hard because we're often talking about a family. We're 433 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,320 Speaker 1: talking about family. You and I went through this and 434 00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:36,000 Speaker 1: had this conversation. I didn't expect to. But you can't 435 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,359 Speaker 1: help I'm with we're in a unit now that we 436 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,800 Speaker 1: have a design, you and I ain't thought about the 437 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:45,359 Speaker 1: possibility of kids. He ain't thought about I mean, before 438 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,160 Speaker 1: we ever started dating ten years ago, you weren't thinking 439 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:51,720 Speaker 1: about having a kid. And now we have something different 440 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,359 Speaker 1: and special in a unit that we don't need a 441 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,800 Speaker 1: kid to make us whole. We don't need a kid 442 00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,879 Speaker 1: to take up any more of the time we have 443 00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:05,199 Speaker 1: limits it but to have and to be with someone, 444 00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:08,359 Speaker 1: to have a relationship like nothing you've had before, you 445 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:12,120 Speaker 1: can't help. It's in us all you can't help but 446 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:16,159 Speaker 1: want Wow, if we had a kit together, that's all. 447 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:16,800 Speaker 1: You can't help it. 448 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:19,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's some I think it's biology. I 449 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,080 Speaker 2: think it's nature. I think when you find that person 450 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:25,440 Speaker 2: you want to be with, you want to share that beautiful, 451 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,240 Speaker 2: special thing that you can only share with someone who, yeah, 452 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,200 Speaker 2: you're connected with like that, So it makes sense. 453 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,840 Speaker 1: I like and I know. But again for everyone, I 454 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:34,920 Speaker 1: don't think anyone was mean spirited and the things you're read, 455 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,200 Speaker 1: but you get perspectives from all over folks saying, hey, 456 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,960 Speaker 1: watch out for that woman, check yourself, think about this. 457 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 1: I love it. He got a full range of advice 458 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,440 Speaker 1: and some of it we can't give because we didn't 459 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:48,960 Speaker 1: go through what some of those folks said. So I 460 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:49,359 Speaker 1: love it. 461 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:53,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, But so thank you readers and listeners for chiming in. 462 00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:55,879 Speaker 2: We always appreciate what you have to say. The perspective 463 00:23:56,000 --> 00:24:00,760 Speaker 2: is amazing and we learn something every time one of 464 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,879 Speaker 2: these articles comes out, not just from the problems that 465 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,399 Speaker 2: are being posed to us, but the responses we get 466 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,600 Speaker 2: from all of you. So thank you for chiming in, 467 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:12,000 Speaker 2: Thank you for listening. We appreciate you. I'm Amy roback 468 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,680 Speaker 2: alongside TJ. Holmes. We hope you guys have a wonderful 469 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:21,320 Speaker 2: rest of your day.