WEBVTT - Let's Talk About Anger...with Daphne Zuniga 0:00:02.480 --> 0:00:08.879 This is Let's be clear with Shannon Doherty. Hello, let's 0:00:08.880 --> 0:00:14.680 be clear, listeners. I am Daphne's Niga. I was actually 0:00:14.680 --> 0:00:18.159 on the Beverly Hills nine two one OHO spin off 0:00:19.239 --> 0:00:24.880 Melvose's Place, and I played Joe Reynolds, and after that, 0:00:24.960 --> 0:00:27.840 I did One Tree Hill for about five years. If 0:00:27.840 --> 0:00:30.680 you're a comedy person, early on in my career, I 0:00:30.760 --> 0:00:36.160 played Princess Vespa for melt Brooks's Spaceballs, and I'm very 0:00:36.159 --> 0:00:38.280 honored to be here. I was excited when I was 0:00:38.320 --> 0:00:40.599 told this was an opportunity to come and talk to 0:00:40.760 --> 0:00:43.159 the listeners here, and then I've spent some time on 0:00:43.200 --> 0:00:48.120 the podcast, listening to the different episodes, and I really 0:00:48.159 --> 0:00:52.640 love I love the content, and I love that someone 0:00:52.680 --> 0:00:56.000 like Shannon Doherty, who I never met, I don't remember 0:00:56.040 --> 0:00:59.080 ever meeting her. And it's kind of funny because you 0:00:59.120 --> 0:01:02.080 would think the cast of those two shows have met, 0:01:02.120 --> 0:01:04.160 and in fact, I have met other cast members of 0:01:04.240 --> 0:01:08.000 nine O two one zero, but unless maybe I ran 0:01:08.040 --> 0:01:11.039 into her or something, I don't remember meeting her. But 0:01:11.120 --> 0:01:17.759 I do admire. I really admire a person who shares 0:01:17.800 --> 0:01:27.480 their truth, especially such a profoundly difficult and vulnerable tender 0:01:29.080 --> 0:01:34.560 process that she shared with this community. I think truth, 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:39.319 raw truth is very hard to come by, especially these days, 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:44.399 what with technology, which is really kind of the hands 0:01:44.440 --> 0:01:47.440 of magic. That the whole point of technology is, well, 0:01:47.520 --> 0:01:49.440 it has a lot of points to it, but the 0:01:49.480 --> 0:01:51.600 fact that you can manipulate and do anything to it, 0:01:51.680 --> 0:01:55.600 you really, truth is a whole thing that's kind of 0:01:56.280 --> 0:01:58.280 in what we're in the air right now of like 0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:01.960 what is true? What images true? Is that really somebody 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:06.200 saving a turtle? Or is that AI? Is that really 0:02:06.240 --> 0:02:09.320 what that person looks like? Or is that photoshop? Is 0:02:09.639 --> 0:02:11.960 you know? What is the truth? But I remember years 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:17.520 ago my therapist, she really talked about truth. You know, 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:19.520 I was trying to figure out. I'll get to my 0:02:19.680 --> 0:02:22.359 I want to talk about voice dialogue. But as someone 0:02:22.360 --> 0:02:24.440 who's been in therapy for twenty five years because I 0:02:24.480 --> 0:02:28.960 love it and I love all different modalities of learning oneself, 0:02:29.960 --> 0:02:32.239 and voice dialogue really helped me. And I'll tell you 0:02:32.320 --> 0:02:34.960 how in a few minutes. But it just came to 0:02:34.960 --> 0:02:37.280 me right now that this therapist, wonderful therapist that I 0:02:37.320 --> 0:02:41.400 had for a long time, said to put the word 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:44.960 truth because we had I couldn't believe that what she 0:02:45.080 --> 0:02:48.320 was teaching me and helping me know is that all 0:02:48.320 --> 0:02:50.240 I had to do was to tell my truth. A 0:02:50.240 --> 0:02:55.040 lot of my growth and learning came through relationships, so 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:58.560 I'd go I was sort of a serial monogamist. I 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:01.200 would be with one person for a while and then another, 0:03:01.200 --> 0:03:02.480 and that's really where I learned a lot of my 0:03:02.560 --> 0:03:06.520 lessons of who I was and who I could be 0:03:06.600 --> 0:03:09.880 and the woman I wanted to be. And it was 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:13.880 a long journey with a lot of pain and a 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:17.600 lot of emotions in there. But when she would say 0:03:18.600 --> 0:03:22.399 is just tell your truth? I think my first thought 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:25.120 was something like, are you out of your mind? What 0:03:25.200 --> 0:03:27.919 if my truth doesn't fit what they want? What if 0:03:27.919 --> 0:03:35.200 my truth dow is you know, ugly or not? Just 0:03:35.240 --> 0:03:39.120 not what the man wanted basically, but which kind of 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:44.160 takes me into this this modality. And if you hear 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:46.520 any snoring in the background, that's my husband. I said, 0:03:46.560 --> 0:03:48.040 you can take a nap, but I'm going to be 0:03:48.080 --> 0:03:52.520 on a podcast, and so if you're snoring, you can 0:03:53.080 --> 0:03:56.920 get a taste of what I what I deal with. Anyway, 0:03:57.800 --> 0:04:00.600 love love goes a long way. So taking us to 0:04:00.840 --> 0:04:03.440 voice dialogue from that idea of just telling your truth. 0:04:04.400 --> 0:04:08.200 You know that saying the truth will set you free. Well, 0:04:08.360 --> 0:04:11.600 it's kind of all goes along. Shannon was sharing her truth. 0:04:11.640 --> 0:04:16.640 That's what I really really admire and that's where that's 0:04:16.680 --> 0:04:20.159 what gives you freedom, and that's what sharing your truth 0:04:20.200 --> 0:04:25.000 with others is a very powerful thing. It connects you, 0:04:25.440 --> 0:04:27.760 it connects us with each other. So I'm just here 0:04:27.800 --> 0:04:31.839 to share some truths as well, and we'll see where 0:04:31.839 --> 0:04:35.200 that goes. But my goal, my intention is to share 0:04:35.240 --> 0:04:40.280 it and to share this wisdom, this technique, this for 0:04:40.360 --> 0:04:45.760 healing and knowing myself more and empowering myselfho Moore, and 0:04:46.240 --> 0:04:48.920 being able to connect with others in the world and 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:52.560 with myself more. That's what this stuff taught me, and 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:55.080 so my goal is to share it with you and 0:04:56.200 --> 0:04:59.560 see if it's something that can help you. So the 0:04:59.600 --> 0:05:05.120 idea voice dialogue is that we have these different selves 0:05:05.120 --> 0:05:08.239 in us. It's not a new concept. It's been around 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:11.520 in the world of psychology for a very long time. 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:17.719 And it's that we have a center, which is what 0:05:18.040 --> 0:05:21.360 in voice dialogue they call the aware ego. I call 0:05:21.400 --> 0:05:26.240 it sort of center neutral awareness, and then we have 0:05:26.360 --> 0:05:30.760 these different selves, these different parts, and we have primary 0:05:30.800 --> 0:05:35.920 parts primary selves, and we have disowned selves. The primary 0:05:35.960 --> 0:05:40.400 selves in us are are the ones that kind of 0:05:40.440 --> 0:05:45.200 like run your day by days. It's how you meet situations, 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:48.520 it's how you run your life. It's so a primary 0:05:48.560 --> 0:05:53.680 self in me is I'm a doer. I'm a really 0:05:53.839 --> 0:05:57.120 I'm really identified as a doer. Get things done. Give 0:05:57.120 --> 0:05:59.920 me the challenge's figure out how to do it. Who 0:06:00.040 --> 0:06:01.920 do I need to call? You know, I'm feeling something, 0:06:01.960 --> 0:06:06.040 look up a therapist, read the book, do the writing. 0:06:06.640 --> 0:06:09.039 If it's morning pages, if it's taken a walk, like 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:12.919 I just that's a real part in me. She feels like, 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:16.880 if there's a challenge or a problem, let's fix it. 0:06:18.880 --> 0:06:22.800 So that part your primary selves were born in you 0:06:23.160 --> 0:06:28.000 as a child into circumstances that you had no power over. 0:06:28.040 --> 0:06:30.719 You were a young little baby, and there was a 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:33.400 world going on around you. Your parents were who they were, 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:38.440 your siblings, You're where you lived, and so you developed. 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:46.160 We developed these aspects, these traits to navigate our environment. 0:06:47.480 --> 0:06:50.720 I moved around a lot as a kid, and so 0:06:51.279 --> 0:06:55.159 I'm okay with moving. I just land in a place, 0:06:56.040 --> 0:07:00.599 you know, fix up my environment there. I deal with 0:07:01.200 --> 0:07:05.680 introduce myself to the teachers at school figure out sus 0:07:05.800 --> 0:07:08.520 out the kids, who's who I remember? And you know, 0:07:08.600 --> 0:07:13.160 I I just but I wouldn't. I realized later I 0:07:13.520 --> 0:07:15.800 would get really close. I'd have best friends, and then 0:07:15.800 --> 0:07:18.320 I'd have to leave them and I would move to 0:07:18.400 --> 0:07:23.440 another sometimes state. I lived in Canada for a while, 0:07:23.920 --> 0:07:26.720 then I lived in Vermont, I lived in Berkeley. I 0:07:26.760 --> 0:07:29.360 lived in the summers, we'd go to Guatemala with my dad. 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:33.160 So it's the good part about that is that I, uh, 0:07:34.120 --> 0:07:38.080 I adapted. I'm very adaptive. I'm very adaptable. I'm nothing. 0:07:38.440 --> 0:07:40.760 Things don't really scare me. I just focus. I can 0:07:40.800 --> 0:07:43.640 do this. And so it's really coming handy for being 0:07:43.640 --> 0:07:46.360 on location and being movies and TV for all these years, 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:51.600 because that doesn't freak me out too much. Then you 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:54.640 have disowned selves. So as I'm talking, I want you 0:07:54.720 --> 0:07:59.520 to think about yourself. So you may have been brought, 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:02.120 brought and kind of a I was more born into 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:05.280 kind of a scrappy home, meaning you know, I didn't 0:08:05.280 --> 0:08:07.440 have like a big, beautiful home where we stayed in 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:10.680 one place and there were other kids around, and there 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:13.240 were traditions and things to do after school. I mean, 0:08:13.280 --> 0:08:15.640 it was very like I said, very iorate. We moved 0:08:15.680 --> 0:08:19.240 a lot, my mom raised us, My dad and my 0:08:19.280 --> 0:08:22.320 mom divorced when I was six, hence all the boyfriends 0:08:24.560 --> 0:08:27.360 to figure out what that was all about. But as 0:08:27.400 --> 0:08:31.360 I'm talking about myself, think about yourself. Think about what's 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:34.800 the primary self in you? And then we have disone selves, 0:08:36.280 --> 0:08:41.160 so disone self and me a dissone self in us 0:08:41.400 --> 0:08:46.400 ourselves and there's many, many, many many, but dissone selved 0:08:46.400 --> 0:08:50.120 are ones that we don't like that we really judge, 0:08:50.320 --> 0:08:53.640 and we want to keep those at bay. We hide them, 0:08:54.120 --> 0:08:59.840 we ignore them, we abandon them, we really judge them. 0:09:00.280 --> 0:09:05.199 So I remember, when I was younger, a disowned self 0:09:05.480 --> 0:09:09.080 might be my needs. I had a self that like 0:09:09.520 --> 0:09:10.880 I didn't want to be too needy when I was 0:09:10.880 --> 0:09:13.280 in these relationships, I just didn't want to be needy. 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:15.679 I wanted to be fine with whatever they wanted, and 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:20.560 you know I could deal with that. So we're also, 0:09:21.080 --> 0:09:23.960 I might say, another disowned self is kind of the 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:27.319 opposite of my doer. That one that's like a producer 0:09:27.520 --> 0:09:32.040 or you know, a director, which I've been, and get 0:09:32.040 --> 0:09:34.800 things done. That person who likes her lists, he's a pusher. 0:09:35.320 --> 0:09:39.679 There's this kind of archetypal self, the pusher. We all 0:09:39.720 --> 0:09:42.000 have that. We live in a pusher society. What are 0:09:42.000 --> 0:09:43.480 you doing? What are you doing? What do you get done? 0:09:43.520 --> 0:09:45.840 What are you producing? You know, what's your worth? Blah 0:09:45.880 --> 0:09:49.920 blah blah, as opposed to just the other side of us, 0:09:49.920 --> 0:09:52.160 which is not a doer side, it's more of a beer. 0:09:52.720 --> 0:09:57.040 The parts of us that are they hold our emotions, 0:09:57.120 --> 0:10:02.760 they hold our there are just energy, they hold our spirituality, 0:10:02.960 --> 0:10:07.240 that sense of just being a human being. Those are 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:12.240 really important. That's really important, and that's disowned by a 0:10:12.280 --> 0:10:16.800 lot of people because it's not very rewarded in our society. 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:22.880 You don't there's no reward for really just experiencing and being, 0:10:22.920 --> 0:10:26.040 and that's not enough. So that's why I think there's 0:10:26.080 --> 0:10:28.320 a lot of there's a lot of need for that 0:10:28.480 --> 0:10:31.640 right now to in our also in our society. And 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:36.840 you know, people are seeking out kind of well therapy, 0:10:37.000 --> 0:10:38.959 I would hope and I and I there are a 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:41.160 lot of adds on podcasts, so people are which is 0:10:41.200 --> 0:10:46.160 a good thing. But uh, this society disowns the beers. 0:10:46.360 --> 0:10:49.160 It's more of a vulnerable or vulnerable selves are in there. 0:10:49.200 --> 0:10:52.840 So I disowned that I called a part of me 0:10:52.920 --> 0:10:59.120 to needy. But in Voice Dialogue, the whole point is 0:10:59.160 --> 0:11:04.240 to get to know these parts and to embrace them 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:08.120 and love them. And Hal and Cidris Stone, who are 0:11:08.120 --> 0:11:13.959 both PhDs doctors of psychology, have written books, many books. 0:11:14.679 --> 0:11:17.560 One of them is called Embracing Ourselves. One of them 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:20.240 is called Embracing each Other. That's about relationship. You know, 0:11:20.240 --> 0:11:22.280 if you have a bond, if you're like in conflict 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:25.160 with your partner, often it's because you guys have different 0:11:25.200 --> 0:11:29.040 selves you're identifying with and you disown the other. If 0:11:29.040 --> 0:11:33.400 somebody triggers you, triggers you like of you judge them 0:11:33.400 --> 0:11:37.600 and you that's a disowned self. They carry a part 0:11:38.000 --> 0:11:40.440 that you've disowned in yourself and so you don't like 0:11:40.480 --> 0:11:43.200 it in them. So through this work you can get 0:11:43.200 --> 0:11:45.559 to know that part of you, and I guarantee you 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:49.600 that person won't trigger you anymore because you're learning to 0:11:49.679 --> 0:11:53.400 embrace that self. So I want to use an example 0:11:53.720 --> 0:11:58.640 of anger because when I thought about this, coming on 0:11:58.720 --> 0:12:01.640 the subject of talking about voice dialogue, because it's helped 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:04.240 me so much, I've embraced more of myself, so I 0:12:04.280 --> 0:12:07.760 have more compassion for these selves. Yes, people can be 0:12:07.840 --> 0:12:13.160 too needy. But that's because but having needs isn't too needy, 0:12:13.200 --> 0:12:15.120 do you know what I mean? There's a difference. Now, 0:12:15.160 --> 0:12:18.200 if someone's disowning taking care of their own needs a 0:12:18.240 --> 0:12:21.160 friend of yours or in a relationship and they're sort 0:12:21.200 --> 0:12:24.319 of abandoning and not taking responsibility for their own needs, 0:12:24.600 --> 0:12:26.880 then they're they're going to look to you maybe, And 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:29.559 if you feel like that's happening too much, then that 0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:36.040 does become needy. But having needs is not a bad thing. 0:12:36.120 --> 0:12:39.040 Having needs is being a human being. It's actually being 0:12:39.120 --> 0:12:42.560 a sentient being. Because the plant has needs to a tree, 0:12:42.760 --> 0:12:47.880 a plant, a person, we all have needs. So anger 0:12:47.960 --> 0:12:52.200 came up to me this moment that I remember so 0:12:52.320 --> 0:12:57.480 many years ago. With my incredible facilitator. You have like 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:00.760 a facilitator and voice dialogue like you would therapist, and 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:05.120 some therapists actually are skilled and trained in voice dialogue 0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:08.880 and they can do it with you. You know, doing 0:13:08.880 --> 0:13:12.120 an actual session requires moving around because you want to 0:13:12.160 --> 0:13:16.000 get out of your center. You want to really be 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:21.360 center and aware in a neutral way of what's what 0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:24.480 you're feeling. And then you feel into that let's say 0:13:24.520 --> 0:13:27.559 mine's anger at they say something's really pissing me off. 0:13:28.240 --> 0:13:29.920 You want to feel into that, but you don't want 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:32.240 to feel into it right here, not with Voice Dialogue. 0:13:32.280 --> 0:13:34.160 You want to move it because the idea is to 0:13:34.320 --> 0:13:37.600 separate these selves and to treat them and listen to 0:13:37.640 --> 0:13:42.800 them with non judgment. So I do them, mom, I 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:45.760 do it by myself now when I need to, and 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:48.720 I can try to. I can try to show you 0:13:48.720 --> 0:13:50.320 a little bit so you can just do it on 0:13:50.360 --> 0:13:54.560 your own, but really, we'll I'll leave some There's a 0:13:54.559 --> 0:13:56.720 couple links you can go to in books you can read. 0:13:56.880 --> 0:13:59.760 There's a lot of there's a lot of literature on 0:13:59.800 --> 0:14:04.880 this with the Voice Dialogue website. But I had this 0:14:05.679 --> 0:14:10.720 memory of this session I was doing with my beautiful, 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:16.679 masterful facilitator, Martha leu Wolf, who is no longer with us. 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:19.360 She died a few years ago. I was so sad, 0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:24.000 and I'm telling you something. That woman, she was long 0:14:24.040 --> 0:14:30.360 white hair, she was a warrior. She was dying and 0:14:30.440 --> 0:14:34.240 she was still facilitating her students. She was there on 0:14:34.280 --> 0:14:38.920 the couch like no energy, and makes me think of Shannon. 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:42.840 It's such a profound place to be, isn't it. It's 0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:49.800 so effing profound that process because it illustrates right there 0:14:49.840 --> 0:14:55.960 in the moment what life is. The process of dying 0:14:57.720 --> 0:15:02.240 brings immediately the reality of what life is. That it's 0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:06.920 this thing that we all have for a period of time. 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:25.400 So fast. Anyway, I remember Martha Low facilitating me with 0:15:25.440 --> 0:15:29.200 some really heavy stuff. Someone was triggering me here. I 0:15:29.200 --> 0:15:30.920 don't want to go around like I look for triggers, 0:15:30.920 --> 0:15:33.000 but I'm just saying, like something got me worked up 0:15:33.040 --> 0:15:36.200 a situation I was in, and she helped me with 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:39.000 some deep stuff. But years ago she helped me with anger. 0:15:39.040 --> 0:15:42.680 So I was seeing somebody that I was all excited 0:15:42.800 --> 0:15:45.320 and when we were together, and you know, I always 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:47.800 just felt so live. You know that feeling why you 0:15:47.880 --> 0:15:51.720 just that's what love does. It brings you alive. It 0:15:51.720 --> 0:15:54.320 gives you this energy and you feel into all these 0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:59.960 other selves and you come out because this other person 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:04.280 and there's been this attraction those selves and you were 0:16:04.280 --> 0:16:06.720 in you before that person, and they're going to be 0:16:06.760 --> 0:16:09.640 in you after that person. It's up to you to 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:13.960 access and embrace them. And then you don't need another 0:16:14.000 --> 0:16:19.040 person to feel like that. You need another person for 0:16:19.160 --> 0:16:24.120 other reasons for intimacy, and uh, you know, we're all 0:16:24.160 --> 0:16:29.760 still learning with each other. But this particular guy was 0:16:30.080 --> 0:16:33.120 he was a great, great man, but he really got 0:16:33.120 --> 0:16:36.480 me pissed. Maybe he didn't call, or maybe he changed 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:39.400 his mind about something, or maybe I just felt abandoned 0:16:39.480 --> 0:16:42.520 or whatever. But she was in my living room and 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:45.200 she was like, Okay, what are you feeling? And I said, oh, 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:49.360 I'm just so angry, and she's like, yeah, well, let's move. 0:16:49.520 --> 0:16:52.880 So you want to move out of where you're recognizing. First, 0:16:52.880 --> 0:16:56.040 you recognize it from a state of neutrality, from just 0:16:56.080 --> 0:16:58.320 being in the present moment. Here, I am talking on 0:16:58.360 --> 0:17:04.200 a podcast. This moment, I feel that feeling come up, 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:07.200 and then I can move. I would get up. I'm 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:08.600 not going to do it now, but I could get 0:17:08.720 --> 0:17:14.360 up and go to another chair or stand or do whatever. 0:17:14.400 --> 0:17:17.720 But you will feel it in your body. Let you 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:22.240 let that anger come into your body, and you're not 0:17:22.240 --> 0:17:24.520 going to hurt anything or hurt anyone, and you're not 0:17:24.520 --> 0:17:27.080 going to hurt yourself. The point is to listen to 0:17:27.119 --> 0:17:30.720 it with no judgment. So this is what we would do. 0:17:31.080 --> 0:17:34.159 I'll just do it kind of quickly. She would go 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:38.440 to another move wherever I wanted to go. And again, 0:17:38.480 --> 0:17:40.480 I've been doing this for thirty years, and every time 0:17:40.520 --> 0:17:42.440 I do this, it's a different kind of anger. It's 0:17:42.440 --> 0:17:45.320 a different self, and I would move to a different place, 0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:51.919 or it's other parts, not just anger. But I was 0:17:52.080 --> 0:17:55.960 in it. And she said, okay, where are you in 0:17:56.080 --> 0:18:01.200 Daphne's body? So where is the anger in your body? 0:18:02.320 --> 0:18:04.280 And you can feel into it? And I would feel 0:18:04.600 --> 0:18:11.000 my face, the skin, my solar plexus, feel into that. 0:18:11.200 --> 0:18:14.320 It's in your solar plexus, in my sometimes it's in 0:18:14.359 --> 0:18:17.639 my arms, my arms. You feel into it. You're getting 0:18:17.640 --> 0:18:21.600 below the head. You're not thinking, you're feeling, getting out 0:18:21.600 --> 0:18:24.640 of your thoughts. We all think too much. We need 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:29.600 to drop down into the rest of ourselves. So from 0:18:29.680 --> 0:18:33.200 that place, she'd say, okay, you're in it, and feel 0:18:33.240 --> 0:18:37.239 into that, into the energy, into the sensation of the 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:43.240 anger in the in in Daphnie's body. And then she 0:18:43.320 --> 0:18:47.639 asked me, how long have you been in Daphne? So 0:18:47.720 --> 0:18:51.199 that right there assumes that that anger has been in 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:55.040 me longer, long before I met this person right who 0:18:55.520 --> 0:18:59.040 set it off. And I would feel into it and 0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:03.400 I remember, you know, I said, when I was a kid, 0:19:04.600 --> 0:19:07.760 And it's true, I was an angry child because of 0:19:07.800 --> 0:19:10.080 all that moving around because of all the unknown I 0:19:10.440 --> 0:19:12.199 had to I was scared a lot. I had to 0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:13.920 protect I had to protect my sister, I had to 0:19:14.000 --> 0:19:17.679 protect myself. It was a volatile time. This was the 0:19:17.720 --> 0:19:23.600 sixties and the seventies. Anyway, think feel into that. How 0:19:23.640 --> 0:19:29.119 long have you been in this anger, this feeling? And 0:19:29.200 --> 0:19:32.000 you can just feel into it and think, think, this 0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:34.160 is where you can think. Think back to your childhood. 0:19:34.480 --> 0:19:37.199 Is it your teen years? Did something happen? Do you 0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:39.639 have a thought that comes to mind right away? Is 0:19:39.680 --> 0:19:42.480 it like on a school yard or is it earlier 0:19:42.480 --> 0:19:44.840 than that? Is it when you're even younger. I remember 0:19:45.880 --> 0:19:47.879 when I was even younger, I was angry because my 0:19:47.920 --> 0:19:51.040 parents were working, they weren't home. A lot that's in 0:19:51.080 --> 0:19:57.639 your body. So then she would say, Okay, is there 0:19:57.680 --> 0:20:00.879 anything you want to tell Daphne. There's a message this 0:20:01.040 --> 0:20:04.399 self has. It's not just this random anger that you 0:20:04.440 --> 0:20:07.320 need to squelch down. If you do this stuff, you 0:20:07.800 --> 0:20:11.960 use your the tools, these tools, this technique, you can 0:20:12.000 --> 0:20:17.640 skillfully mine the gold from it. So, I mean, I 0:20:17.720 --> 0:20:19.919 was so angry and I just let it go. I 0:20:20.040 --> 0:20:22.840 was swearing and talking about this guy and who does 0:20:22.880 --> 0:20:27.000 he think he is? And just so much letting it go, 0:20:29.040 --> 0:20:33.480 and I wanted to say to Daphne it turned into this. 0:20:34.760 --> 0:20:36.520 All of a sudden, I start to see an art 0:20:36.560 --> 0:20:42.080 gallery and these big wall sized paintings of like splashes 0:20:42.119 --> 0:20:46.480 of red and orange and yellow and blue, and I 0:20:46.760 --> 0:20:54.840 suddenly that just that anger turned into these creativity. Creativity 0:20:55.480 --> 0:20:59.520 turned into creative images, and I was talking to her 0:20:59.560 --> 0:21:02.679 from that place, the angered kind of left and turned 0:21:02.720 --> 0:21:05.760 into flowed into this other energy, which was like, I 0:21:05.920 --> 0:21:08.720 want Daphne to create. I don't want her to sit 0:21:08.760 --> 0:21:11.040 around and wait for this guy. I don't want the 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:14.720 situation to her to sit around and wait for what's 0:21:14.720 --> 0:21:17.320 so great about him? And then I start to see 0:21:17.359 --> 0:21:19.919 the things that weren't so great about him, and I 0:21:19.960 --> 0:21:22.639 start to see the things that Daphne. Daphne has, She 0:21:22.680 --> 0:21:25.120 has a liveness in her, she has creativity in her. 0:21:25.359 --> 0:21:27.560 I want her to find a place to use it. 0:21:28.520 --> 0:21:31.080 So this goes on for however it goes on. You 0:21:31.119 --> 0:21:35.679 have a skilled, uh facilitator or if you'll you know, 0:21:35.800 --> 0:21:37.600 read the books, they'll tell you in there how to 0:21:37.800 --> 0:21:41.359 work with it. But then you kind of just there's 0:21:41.400 --> 0:21:44.080 a natural slowing down of it, and it kind of 0:21:44.160 --> 0:21:46.959 just ends and then the facilitator. Then what you can 0:21:47.000 --> 0:21:51.960 say to yourself right now, thank you for coming up, 0:21:52.840 --> 0:21:57.880 thank you, thank you for showing up right here. I'm 0:21:58.000 --> 0:22:01.159 so glad that you came out to talk to me 0:22:01.400 --> 0:22:04.960 and so I could hear from Daphne. You know that's 0:22:05.000 --> 0:22:08.879 not easy. Anger is not easy, Anger's not fun. But 0:22:09.720 --> 0:22:12.119 I'm really glad you said what you have to say, 0:22:12.280 --> 0:22:16.880 and I'm going to remember that. We'll write, maybe we'll 0:22:16.880 --> 0:22:18.920 write about it. We'll write what you had to say. 0:22:20.280 --> 0:22:23.360 So if there's nothing else to say, then let's move 0:22:23.400 --> 0:22:27.439 back to center. So then when that part is ready, 0:22:27.640 --> 0:22:31.119 comes back to center. And the first thing you notice 0:22:31.160 --> 0:22:35.240 is that you don't stay there. See, if we don't 0:22:35.320 --> 0:22:39.000 separate and see these different selves that come and go 0:22:39.040 --> 0:22:41.359 throughout the course of a day, then we just stay 0:22:41.359 --> 0:22:47.080 there and it rules everything, and it's just it's ruining 0:22:48.840 --> 0:22:54.320 us our pleasure, our joy. Right, So come back to center, 0:22:54.400 --> 0:22:56.199 and the first thing you want to ask yourself is 0:22:59.160 --> 0:23:05.000 look around present moment. You're back to neutrality, but you 0:23:05.040 --> 0:23:07.480 can still feel over there. So just for a minute, 0:23:07.560 --> 0:23:10.399 bring in the anger, Bring in that energy just a 0:23:10.400 --> 0:23:14.760 little bit ten percent, Just bring it in so that 0:23:14.800 --> 0:23:16.399 you can assure it. You're not going to forget it. 0:23:16.880 --> 0:23:19.640 Your parts all want to be heard. They don't want 0:23:19.640 --> 0:23:21.560 to wreck the day for you, so you ignore them 0:23:22.640 --> 0:23:26.120 and then let it go, let that energy go back out, 0:23:28.440 --> 0:23:35.000 So you're back in center. So that's an experience of oneself, 0:23:35.080 --> 0:23:39.199 a very intense self. And again these sessions are like 0:23:39.240 --> 0:23:41.320 an hour and a half or at least an hour 0:23:42.760 --> 0:23:48.800 with a facilitator, and so you're back in center. And 0:23:49.760 --> 0:23:53.600 what you might ask yourself is you have compassion for 0:23:53.640 --> 0:23:55.800 that part, first of all, because you heard when it 0:23:55.880 --> 0:23:59.119 came into your life, You heard how and why it 0:23:59.280 --> 0:24:03.040 was born. You have images of your childhood or your 0:24:03.119 --> 0:24:06.200 teen years, or when that was had to be activated 0:24:06.280 --> 0:24:10.880 to protect to or when you were betrayed or when 0:24:10.920 --> 0:24:16.800 you were hurt. There's this is absolutely valid and real reaction, 0:24:18.840 --> 0:24:20.960 but you want to work with it now in a 0:24:21.000 --> 0:24:23.760 way that's going to help you and not harm you. 0:24:24.520 --> 0:24:27.520 When you have anger, when I'll speak for myself, but 0:24:28.560 --> 0:24:31.240 I think we're all very similar in a lot of ways. 0:24:32.280 --> 0:24:35.919 When you have anger and you don't express it in 0:24:35.960 --> 0:24:41.199 a safe way without hurting anybody or yourself, it implodes 0:24:42.040 --> 0:24:46.480 and you will take it out on yourself. So for 0:24:46.600 --> 0:24:49.320 me back in the days when I was younger and 0:24:49.480 --> 0:24:51.639 going through a lot of this where I didn't have 0:24:51.680 --> 0:24:55.040 the courage to express my truth because I didn't want 0:24:55.080 --> 0:24:57.600 to be too needy. I just want to fit into 0:24:57.640 --> 0:24:59.960 what was what they wanted. I mean, I wrote a 0:25:00.240 --> 0:25:03.199 article for Oprah Magazine on this. I wanted to just 0:25:03.280 --> 0:25:07.119 fit into whatever guy I was seeing their life. You 0:25:07.160 --> 0:25:11.560 will implode. You'll either eat too much, drink, use something, 0:25:11.920 --> 0:25:13.919 take it out on loved ones, take it out on 0:25:15.400 --> 0:25:18.040 or your organs. You know, you might get sick, you 0:25:18.119 --> 0:25:23.240 might gain weight, you might You're going to create reasons 0:25:23.680 --> 0:25:27.200 to feel the anger. That anger needs to be heard 0:25:28.119 --> 0:25:33.359 and met without hurting yourself and without hurting anyone else, 0:25:34.600 --> 0:25:38.919 hopefully without hurting furniture and glass in your house, although 0:25:38.960 --> 0:25:40.920 I've been known to throw a few things if you've 0:25:40.960 --> 0:25:46.760 listened to my podcast. But that's an example of the anger. 0:25:46.800 --> 0:25:48.399 Now I've talked about this other needy part, I just 0:25:48.440 --> 0:25:50.439