Speaker 1: Call It What It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camille Luddington,
Speaker 1: an iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2: Well, hello, hello, Hello, hello everyone, and welcome to another
Speaker 2: episode of Call It What It Is.
Speaker 1: We have a very special guest today. Do you notice
Speaker 1: anything different about me as we prepared for this episode?
Speaker 3: I did.
Speaker 2: I have never noticed you sweating over guests before, and
Speaker 2: you're a little sweaty today.
Speaker 3: Glistening you mean a little bit disgusting.
Speaker 1: Glistening in my armpits as opposed to my face.
Speaker 2: For everyone listening, you have been talking about this theory
Speaker 2: and this person on this podcast for a long time.
Speaker 1: Now I have, I have. We're talking about the one
Speaker 1: and only mel mel Robins.
Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 3: Welcome, Welcome.
Speaker 1: So Oprah put a huge spotlight on you right around
Speaker 1: the holidays, is what I remember. And she started talking
Speaker 1: about your new book, They'll let them theory.
Speaker 3: I immediately went.
Speaker 1: To order your book, buy your book, Where can I
Speaker 1: get this book? And it was not available, It wasn't
Speaker 1: out yet, and I went sneaky, sneaking to my friends
Speaker 1: who've my friends in high places who have connections, and
Speaker 1: I somehow got a digital copy like the galley is
Speaker 1: that what they call it in the business, the galley,
Speaker 1: and I got a pre I got a galley, I
Speaker 1: got a little sneak peek and I started reading it
Speaker 1: and I was so excited. And then as I'm reading it,
Speaker 1: I'm getting all the wisdom. And then because I also
Speaker 1: pre ordered it on Amazon and I get my real copy.
Speaker 1: But don't think that I stopped there. I also got
Speaker 1: it on my audible. So I am like, it's like
Speaker 1: a three way frontal attack of mel Robbins and the
Speaker 1: let Them theory. Anyways, I couldn't do it alone. I
Speaker 1: reached out to my mom and I was like, Mom,
Speaker 1: we know me. I'm a recovering people pleaser. I'm the
Speaker 1: oldest daughter in this family. I think that this theory
Speaker 1: was made for me.
Speaker 3: Not only me. It's just a personal book for you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but why don't you mom read this with me?
Speaker 4: Well, no, wonder you love the book because I wrote
Speaker 4: it with my oldest daughter. There's like first daughter energy
Speaker 4: in the book.
Speaker 1: So yes, yeah, what I thought a lot was what
Speaker 1: a gift it was for me. But then what I
Speaker 1: also thought was what a gift if I got this
Speaker 1: when I was twenty And I think it also because
Speaker 1: again I got the pre kid, I got all the copies,
Speaker 1: and of course I sent one straight to my mom.
Speaker 1: I was like, Mom, let's do let we're read this together,
Speaker 1: and so we're reading them in tandem. And something about
Speaker 1: reading your words allowed for our journey to have no stickiness.
Speaker 1: It wasn't like either one of us was. It wasn't
Speaker 1: like I was saying, like, you're so controlling, Yeah, chapter
Speaker 1: fat did you read that part?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: You know, And she wasn't saying it back to me.
Speaker 1: It was just free here you were saying that, yeah,
Speaker 1: And she could see herself and self report or take
Speaker 1: that inventory, and I could see myself and so it
Speaker 1: created a conversation. And so I think the multi generational
Speaker 1: quality of it as well is just like.
Speaker 5: A little bit of a boom.
Speaker 4: Well, thank you for saying that. There's so much I
Speaker 4: want to unpack about what you just said. But in
Speaker 4: case you're listening or watching this and you don't know
Speaker 4: what the let them theory is, it's simply the act
Speaker 4: of in a moment where you feel worried or stressed
Speaker 4: out or frustrated or pissed off, you just say let them.
Speaker 4: Whether it's about the traffic, or your mother's mood, or
Speaker 4: it's the fact that somebody that you're interested in doesn't
Speaker 4: want to be let them. And then the second part,
Speaker 4: after you've said let them, and you started detach from
Speaker 4: trying to control something that's already going on as you
Speaker 4: say let me.
Speaker 3: And when you say let me.
Speaker 4: What you're doing is you're reminding yourself in any situation,
Speaker 4: whether it's a situation of heartbreak, or it's a situation
Speaker 4: where you're overwhelmed, or a situation where you get fired
Speaker 4: from a job, or you get a situation where you
Speaker 4: don't get invited somewhere, a situation where your mom is
Speaker 4: really disappointed in some way.
Speaker 3: That you're living your life and the guilt is flooding in.
Speaker 4: When you say let me, you remind yourself that there's
Speaker 4: only three things in life you can control. It's not
Speaker 4: your mother's mood. It's not what your boss is doing.
Speaker 4: It's not traffic. It's not whether or not somebody chooses
Speaker 4: to love you back. It's not whether or not your
Speaker 4: friends invite you. The only thing you can control is
Speaker 4: what do I think about this? What am I going
Speaker 4: to do or not do? And what am I going
Speaker 4: to do in response? To the feelings that I feel. So,
Speaker 4: if guilt is rising up because your mom's disappointed, am
Speaker 4: I going to bend over backwards to try to make
Speaker 4: her not disappointed? Or am I going to act like
Speaker 4: a grown ass woman and let my mom be disappointed
Speaker 4: because she is a grown up and she's allowed to
Speaker 4: feel disappointed, She's allowed to have her experience.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: And one of the reason, one of the ways I
Speaker 4: can love her is to actually let her feel what.
Speaker 3: She feels without the need to fix it. And if,
Speaker 3: like you and like me, you have.
Speaker 4: Spent your life navigating people's moods or happiness or opinions
Speaker 4: or expectations, it's exhausting and it doesn't work, And so
Speaker 4: it does.
Speaker 1: Yes, I felt myself squarely in that spot. Ye. And
Speaker 1: I remember hearing someone say you can't set yourself on
Speaker 1: fire to keep everybody else warm, and it was like.
Speaker 4: Right, that's true, but that's intellectual. So when somebody says
Speaker 4: you got to take off you got to put on
Speaker 4: your face back first, I'm.
Speaker 3: Like, Okay, well, what the hell does that mean?
Speaker 4: Yes, and what is you can't light yourself on fire
Speaker 4: to keep people warm? How do I apply that when
Speaker 4: my life is on fire.
Speaker 3: That's what I love about this book. Yes it's how,
Speaker 3: Yes it's how.
Speaker 4: And there's some things to think about, which is, you'll
Speaker 4: never take control of your own life until you stop
Speaker 4: trying to control everything and everyone around you. If you're exhausted,
Speaker 4: if you're tired, if you're not as happy as you'd
Speaker 4: like to be, if you don't have what you want
Speaker 4: in your life, the problem isn't you. The problem is
Speaker 4: the power you're giving to everybody else. Like you've wasted
Speaker 4: so much of your precious time and energy trying to
Speaker 4: please everyone else and meet their expectations and make sure
Speaker 4: they think a certain thing, and they're not doing this,
Speaker 4: and they're doing that, that you've exhausted yourself. And what
Speaker 4: saying let them and let me taught me is that
Speaker 4: there's a totally different way to go about your life.
Speaker 4: And the shocking thing is that when you just let
Speaker 4: people think negative thoughts, or let them have uncomfortable emotions,
Speaker 4: or let them not understand, or let them not invite you,
Speaker 4: or let them not want to be with you, you
Speaker 4: recognize that you're actually capable of facing anything because the
Speaker 4: power's not out there in managing other people. The power
Speaker 4: is in hear in how you respond to it, and
Speaker 4: we've forgotten that we have handed our power over to
Speaker 4: other people's moods, opinions, to these crazy headlines, and in
Speaker 4: doing so, we have forgotten that you have so much
Speaker 4: power if you take it back, and you're never going
Speaker 4: to feel powerful if all you're doing is just worrying
Speaker 4: about everybody else and managing everybody else and trying it
Speaker 4: and being pissed off about everybody else and stressed out
Speaker 4: by the long lines and the traffic and what people
Speaker 4: are doing it.
Speaker 3: We're like, no, let them.
Speaker 1: But that's what's so interesting about that, because we can
Speaker 1: describe the experience when we're pissed off, when we're annoyed,
Speaker 1: when we're all the things.
Speaker 3: We're being human, Yes, right, we're just we're actually doing
Speaker 3: what our brains were designed to do.
Speaker 1: Yes, what I have found your description of what to
Speaker 1: do and the three things that I can control? Yeah,
Speaker 1: and not react to respond to, which was a big
Speaker 1: thing that I learned. Also, didn't know the difference between
Speaker 1: reaction and response.
Speaker 3: I didn't figure this out to my fifties ahead of me.
Speaker 3: But that's all human.
Speaker 1: Okay, what you outline and these three steps makes me feel,
Speaker 1: make me feel like you were giving me some kind
Speaker 1: of permission to almost be superhuman, to get above my
Speaker 1: human experience.
Speaker 3: Yes, not your your your your emotional experience.
Speaker 1: Yes, and get into that that that wise adult.
Speaker 3: Yes, like so.
Speaker 4: I the reason why this is taken off is because
Speaker 4: it doesn't exist in a vacuum. I have made ancient
Speaker 4: wisdom a modern tool. This is stoicism, Buddhism, radical acceptance,
Speaker 4: detachment theory, all of which are philosophical, intellectual concepts or
Speaker 4: therapeutic modalities, all of which are very hard to access
Speaker 4: if you're stressed out, pissed off, overwhelmed, or heartbroken. Because
Speaker 4: when you're stressed out by life and you're overwhelmed, which
Speaker 4: everybody is right now, you're in a state of fight
Speaker 4: or flight. And so you're not going to remember the
Speaker 4: serenity pro you're not going to remember the tenets of Buddhism.
Speaker 4: You're not going to remember how to be stoic. When
Speaker 4: you literally are so worried about paying your bills, how
Speaker 4: the hell are you going to access something intellectual? And
Speaker 4: so what I love about this and why it's taken
Speaker 4: off is because a it is part of a legacy
Speaker 4: of wisdom that has been around since the history of time,
Speaker 4: and it is arriving as a gift to the world
Speaker 4: at a moment where things feel absolutely out of control
Speaker 4: for most people. And even if you're not worried about
Speaker 4: the world at large, there's somebody in your family you're
Speaker 4: worried about. You're worried about AI taking over jobs. You're
Speaker 4: worried about the economy. You're worried about like a kid
Speaker 4: that you have and how they're doing. You're worried about
Speaker 4: a girlfriend who's dating some loser. There is some aspect
Speaker 4: in your life you're worried about the sense that you're
Speaker 4: not quite sure you're happy in the relationship or what
Speaker 4: you want to do in the next chapter of your life,
Speaker 4: and so you feel overwhelmed and stressed out. And when
Speaker 4: you feel or at least me in those moments where
Speaker 4: I feel like stressed out or pissed off or frustrated,
Speaker 4: I feel out of control, and then I start to
Speaker 4: try to control everybody else, and I miss where the
Speaker 4: power is, and the power is in just saying let them,
Speaker 4: because when you say let them, you're actually recognizing every
Speaker 4: time you say let them, you're actually recognizing I can't
Speaker 4: control this, Therefore it's not worth my time and energy.
Speaker 4: And every time you say this isn't worth my time
Speaker 4: and energy, let them, let that adult be mad and
Speaker 4: not misunderstanding. Let those women gossip about me, Let these
Speaker 4: people unfollow me online, let them let them, let them,
Speaker 4: let them. When you say that, you recognize that your
Speaker 4: time and energy has worth because you're protecting it, which
Speaker 4: is so cool.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I mean, the reason why you're exhausted is because you're
Speaker 4: giving your power away, and you can't have power until
Speaker 4: you stop giving it away. And most of us are like, wait,
Speaker 4: I have power? How could I have power if I'm
Speaker 4: burnt out and stressed out and worried about everything and
Speaker 4: I feel like I've made too many mistakes in life. Oh,
Speaker 4: you have power, all right, you just forgot. And that's
Speaker 4: the other thing as to why this is taking off.
Speaker 4: I'm reminding you of something you know to be true.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: But I think also handed hand, you're believing there's a
Speaker 1: lot of empowerment. The way that you are on social media,
Speaker 1: and then the way I hear you in the in
Speaker 1: the on the audible, and then how I hear your
Speaker 1: way you are empowered. I mean there's a sense that
Speaker 1: you believe in me and you and I don't know you.
Speaker 1: Of course I do, and I believe that you believe
Speaker 1: in everyone.
Speaker 5: True.
Speaker 4: I believe every single human being, yeah, has the ability
Speaker 4: to make their life better. I believe every single human
Speaker 4: being has possibility and potential for their life that they
Speaker 4: are not in touch with. I a thousand percent believe
Speaker 4: that because I have been in the dirt, in the hole,
Speaker 4: I have reinvented myself so many fucking times, and I
Speaker 4: understand that the only thing that's standing in between you
Speaker 4: and what you deserve and desire in life is you.
Speaker 3: I'm not kidding about this.
Speaker 4: Yeah, like the two biggest things that are in everybody's
Speaker 4: way because these are the things that were in my way.
Speaker 3: I'm just going to boil it down. Number one, you
Speaker 3: are obsessed.
Speaker 4: With what people think about you, and you actually believe
Speaker 4: that there's something you can do that could guarantee that
Speaker 4: somebody is going to think something you cannot, and so
Speaker 4: you're putting so much power in managing people's opinions, expectations,
Speaker 4: all that stuff that becomes a huge obstacle because if
Speaker 4: you think about what other people are going to do
Speaker 4: in response to what you want to do with your life,
Speaker 4: you will always hold yourself back. Like if you're constantly
Speaker 4: what are my parents going to think about that? I
Speaker 4: guess I better not move. Oh what is my boyfriend?
Speaker 5: What is this?
Speaker 3: What you'll you'll.
Speaker 4: Prioritize somebody else's happiness and expectations over your own desire
Speaker 4: to do things in your life. And they didn't do
Speaker 4: that to you, You did it to yourself. So when
Speaker 4: you learn to say, let them be disappointed, let them
Speaker 4: not understand, let them like actually not approve.
Speaker 3: There was a guy that wrote to.
Speaker 4: Us yesterday because I am obsessed with reading people's comments
Speaker 4: because I love knowing what is actually resonating and how
Speaker 4: it's impacting people. And so there was a comment that
Speaker 4: came in yesterday that somebody posted online publicly where a
Speaker 4: guy was saying that he had read the let them
Speaker 4: Theory book and he was so grateful because he's engaged
Speaker 4: to Mary, his husband or his fiance, I guess at
Speaker 4: the time, and his father is very Irish Catholic and disapproves,
Speaker 4: and the wedding's coming up, and the dad had sent
Speaker 4: his son and his son's fiance a letter that was
Speaker 4: really awful and disapproving and calling into question whether or
Speaker 4: not God, you know, is gonna whatever. And what this
Speaker 4: guy basically said is before the let them theory, I
Speaker 4: would have come unhinged.
Speaker 3: I would have cut him out of my life.
Speaker 4: I would have absolutely, like just been destroyed by it.
Speaker 4: And he said, here's what I did. I said, let him,
Speaker 4: let him have his opinion, let him have his experience,
Speaker 4: let him write something that actually does hurt me, let
Speaker 4: him not understand. My father, based on his life experience,
Speaker 4: is allowed to believe what he believes. But I don't
Speaker 4: have to let that change who I am or how
Speaker 4: I'm living my life. And so when I say let him,
Speaker 4: I now create space for two things that are true.
Speaker 4: My father's opinion is bigoted and it makes me feel sad,
Speaker 4: but I can also still want to figure out how
Speaker 4: to have space to have a relationship with him. And
Speaker 4: in saying let him and literally releasing from the emotion
Speaker 4: and just being like, that's what he believes, I'm going
Speaker 4: to let him have his belief, and I'm not going
Speaker 4: to make it my job to actually try to change
Speaker 4: his belief. What I'm going to do is I'm going
Speaker 4: to let me remind myself that I get to choose
Speaker 4: what I think about myself. I get to choose what
Speaker 4: I do and don't do, and I get to choose
Speaker 4: how I'm going to respond.
Speaker 3: And I'm not going to.
Speaker 4: Respond by allowing this hate to make me hateful. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and so a couple days later, he wrote his father
Speaker 4: back and basically was like, I you know understand that
Speaker 4: you feel this way. We see things very differently. I'm
Speaker 4: really good with my relationship with God. I hope that
Speaker 4: you will be able to come. And that was it,
Speaker 4: and he's like, I'm free because the secret in life
Speaker 4: is when you focus on or values and who you
Speaker 4: are as a person and the things that you really
Speaker 4: want to do in your life, and that's where you
Speaker 4: put your energy, and you know you have good intention
Speaker 4: and you know where your heart is. It's so fascinating
Speaker 4: how quickly you actually don't really think much about other
Speaker 4: people at all because you know the truth.
Speaker 3: And I've spent my life looking.
Speaker 4: For the truth about me and other people's opinions. I've
Speaker 4: spent my whole life looking for the truth about me
Speaker 4: in other people's opinions.
Speaker 3: Out I know, I.
Speaker 2: Know, Okay, So they let them part of it. So,
Speaker 2: and I like this story as an example to it
Speaker 2: because I'm wondering what the emotional component of it of. Okay,
Speaker 2: so somebody hurts you, like the dad, right, yep. Because initially,
Speaker 2: when I was hearing about the theory, it almost I
Speaker 2: almost wondered if there was a part of it that
Speaker 2: was like, are you by saying let them, are you
Speaker 2: detaching emotion from that person? Are you almost numbing yourself
Speaker 2: to the to whatever this is?
Speaker 5: So?
Speaker 2: How is it that both things are true? In that
Speaker 2: you're you can't change that person, so you're getting that
Speaker 2: power back, but also you can still be hurt by
Speaker 2: that person.
Speaker 4: You're turning yourself into a zombie. Okay, yeah, you're basically
Speaker 4: in that situation. It is a mentally healthy response to
Speaker 4: be hurt by somebody who says something hurtful.
Speaker 3: Okay, yes, that's a sign that you're working.
Speaker 4: Your body works well, right when you're hurt by something
Speaker 4: that somebody says is hurtful. What we end up doing, though,
Speaker 4: is we take those emotional experiences and then we try
Speaker 4: to change the other person so the hurt goes away. Right,
Speaker 4: You make the hurt go away by actually focusing on
Speaker 4: your response to what just happened, not by trying to
Speaker 4: change that person. Yes, and here's the other reason why.
Speaker 4: There is one thing in life you can't change. It's
Speaker 4: other people. You will never be able to change what
Speaker 4: another person thinks, believes, does, says, or feels period. And
Speaker 4: any time you try to change somebody's opinion by arguing
Speaker 4: with them, or you get judgy, or you have suggestions
Speaker 4: and they're not looking for any or you think you
Speaker 4: know better, you're not organizing motivation. You're actually creating resistance
Speaker 4: to the thing that you want.
Speaker 5: They smell your agenda.
Speaker 4: So of course, people only change when they're ready to change.
Speaker 4: And what's interesting about this example that I gave you
Speaker 4: is that in this example, by saying let him, my
Speaker 4: father's allowed to have his opinions. I disagree with them,
Speaker 4: but he's allowed to have them. I get to choose
Speaker 4: how I'm going to react and whether or not I
Speaker 4: give more power to it, which you do when you
Speaker 4: get angry. And I also get to choose if I'm
Speaker 4: going to keep a space open. And what happens when
Speaker 4: you allow people to have their feelings and have their
Speaker 4: opinions and you create the space, and then you focus
Speaker 4: on showing up in your life in the way.
Speaker 3: That you want to live it.
Speaker 4: Funny thing happens over time with that's people start to
Speaker 4: change their mind, not because you jammed it down their throat,
Speaker 4: but because they have to reconcile the fact that their
Speaker 4: opinion actually makes no sense based on how you live
Speaker 4: your life. And there are bazillion examples of this. So,
Speaker 4: for example, if you've ever quit a corporate job and
Speaker 4: gone off and done your own thing and everybody in
Speaker 4: your family doesn't get it, let them not get it,
Speaker 4: let them be worried, let them think you're an idiot,
Speaker 4: let them not understand this internet thing like whatever it
Speaker 4: is that they're saying. Because a funny thing happens the
Speaker 4: more you focus on building the new business or becoming
Speaker 4: an influencer or writing the book and you're actually doing it.
Speaker 3: Have you ever noticed your parents, like I always told
Speaker 3: you shad Yeah.
Speaker 4: The space actually gives them this safety to come to
Speaker 4: their own conclusion. You're actually loving them and respecting them
Speaker 4: and giving them permission to be flawed or have d
Speaker 4: up opinions or whatever else, and understanding that people do
Speaker 4: change when they actually are ready to change. And through
Speaker 4: your example and the influence that yeah, yeah, and so
Speaker 4: I feel like, and there's another thing, because your question
Speaker 4: was excellent, because one of the other things where I
Speaker 4: thought you were going to go with it is when
Speaker 4: you say let them. Let's like talk about a relationship,
Speaker 4: because we all have that. We all have somebody in
Speaker 4: our life who's in a relationship with somebody who is
Speaker 4: treating them poorly. Like you see it, You're like, he
Speaker 4: won't put a label on this, right, that means he's
Speaker 4: having sex with other people. You know, That's what I
Speaker 4: won't label. This means I want to be having sex
Speaker 4: with other people. Yes, And you're up in your head
Speaker 4: like I think, well, I think we're going to get
Speaker 4: married in Lake Clomo, And you're like, I think you're
Speaker 4: high and so but here's the thing. If you start
Speaker 4: to question your friend, what happens is you push her
Speaker 4: into the relationship.
Speaker 3: I've had this, yep.
Speaker 5: And so they double down.
Speaker 3: Yes, as a double down there say let them.
Speaker 4: And you're in a situation where a boss or a
Speaker 4: parent or somebody you're dating is treating you poorly. People
Speaker 4: are like, well, isn't saying let them mean you're just
Speaker 4: letting them abuse you? I'm like, no, you're already allowing
Speaker 4: that they're already abusing you. You're just explaining it away
Speaker 4: in your head and making excuses for why, like this
Speaker 4: is somehow acceptable and attractive to you. And I'm not
Speaker 4: blaming the victim here, because there are serious situations. I
Speaker 4: used to be a crisis intervention counselor on a domestic
Speaker 4: violence hotline. The average person in an abusive relationship it's seven.
Speaker 4: It's the seventh time that the leave actually sticks because
Speaker 4: of the psychological torture of being in a relationship like that.
Speaker 4: That said, one of the things that keeps you in
Speaker 4: a dysfunctional dynamic with somebody is the hope that it's changing.
Speaker 4: And so when you say let them, you are actually
Speaker 4: forcing yourself to see someone's behavior as the truth, how
Speaker 4: they treat you and feel about you. And the problem
Speaker 4: that most of us get into is that we live
Speaker 4: in a fantasy in our head instead of facing the
Speaker 4: reality of what's actually happening. And if you find that
Speaker 4: you're like, why am I always with people that won't commit,
Speaker 4: it's because you're confusing yourself. If they only text you
Speaker 4: and don't want to see you in real life, it
Speaker 4: means they're not interested in you.
Speaker 3: They're bored.
Speaker 4: If you know, like people are like I always have
Speaker 4: people that sring me along. Nobody can string you along.
Speaker 4: You actually tie yourself up in nuts. Yeah, because you're
Speaker 4: unwilling to let their behavior speak the truth that they're
Speaker 4: not interested in you.
Speaker 3: They're not listening.
Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, So that's why this is so critical when
Speaker 4: it comes to relationships, because we make excuses for things
Speaker 4: that we shouldn't be making excuses for.
Speaker 1: Is this one that piece of being sort of settled
Speaker 1: in familiar pain rather than seeking an unfamiliar pain comes in.
Speaker 4: So there is some really interesting research about this was
Speaker 4: like a fascinating and such a simple explanation. It comes
Speaker 4: from doctor K who goes as the Healthy gamer online
Speaker 4: and he's a Harvard trans psychiatrist who studies gaming addiction,
Speaker 4: and he's unbelievable.
Speaker 3: He had this way of explaining the brain and.
Speaker 4: Motivation that completely demystified for me why it's so hard
Speaker 4: to actually change. And he basically was like, look, the
Speaker 4: problem with all of us is we don't understand our
Speaker 4: own wiring the human brain.
Speaker 3: Here's what you need to understand.
Speaker 4: You are actually wired to move towards what's easy right now,
Speaker 4: That's why we sit on the couch instead of running.
Speaker 4: It's why we think about building an online business instead
Speaker 4: of doing it. It's why we think about paying our
Speaker 4: bills instead of like and then we spend money. We
Speaker 4: move towards what's easy now because your brain is actually
Speaker 4: wired to do it. Your brain is also wired to
Speaker 4: move and push against what feels hard. So in order
Speaker 4: to change, you have to defy your own circuitry. You
Speaker 4: have to either say, I know this thing is hard,
Speaker 4: but I've got a reason that's important enough that I'm
Speaker 4: willing to do the hard work to lose the weight,
Speaker 4: to cut out sugar, to get up on time, to
Speaker 4: get a different job. Now here's where this gets interesting,
Speaker 4: because we are hardwired to move towards what's easy. People
Speaker 4: actually typically only change if the situation that they're in
Speaker 4: is harder than the thing that they're avoiding. So, like,
Speaker 4: you know, anybody that has ever gotten sober will tell
Speaker 4: you get to a point where it's harder to actually
Speaker 4: drink right than facing the stuff that you want to face.
Speaker 4: And so what happens in our relationships is, you know,
Speaker 4: we want to change everybody else and so you know,
Speaker 4: you see your spouse or Sarah, your partner, and they're
Speaker 4: sitting on the couch munching some chips, watching the game,
Speaker 4: and you're like.
Speaker 3: Why are they not going? Why am I not doing that?
Speaker 4: And then you make the suggestion and you didn't motivate
Speaker 4: them by going it's a great day for a walk.
Speaker 3: What happened is they're like, no, your walk.
Speaker 4: And if I would be going on a walk exactly,
Speaker 4: I know that I could be going on a walk
Speaker 4: right now. And so you now become the thing that's
Speaker 4: actually feeling hard. So now they're like pushing away from you.
Speaker 4: It's natural brain wiring. You're the one creating the resistance.
Speaker 4: They're not the problem.
Speaker 2: You are.
Speaker 3: This was me for fifty four years.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I have.
Speaker 2: A question because I feel like this theory makes so
Speaker 2: much sense when it comes to family, when it comes
Speaker 2: to romantic relationships. Can you speak to how it can
Speaker 2: work in a situation where you've landed your dream job? Uh,
Speaker 2: the job market is terrible. You're like, yes, I've gotten this.
Speaker 2: Now you have a toxic boss. Say right, how does
Speaker 2: the let them let me theory work in a situation
Speaker 2: like that where quitting is not feasible to you.
Speaker 3: Where why is it not feasible?
Speaker 2: Because maybe you have a family to raise and it's
Speaker 2: going to take time to there may be the job
Speaker 2: that you're in. There's not a lot of jobs out there,
Speaker 2: And so say quitting's not on the table.
Speaker 3: You're talking two actresses.
Speaker 2: I don't think that's true, but okay, but say it
Speaker 2: is true, okay for some people sitting here right.
Speaker 3: Okay, if you would like your excuse, you can have it.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'd like the excuse in the scenario. So in
Speaker 2: this scenario, what can you do?
Speaker 3: Okay?
Speaker 2: Because I feel like not everybody that has a toxic manager, whoever,
Speaker 2: should have to quit their job to get out of
Speaker 2: the situation.
Speaker 4: Correct, So whether it's a great question, okay, And I
Speaker 4: didn't mean to be a smart ass.
Speaker 3: I meant to say that.
Speaker 4: When you're in a situation where you're confronted, it's easy
Speaker 4: to say I have no power.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 4: There is a major difference between what is in your
Speaker 4: control yeah, and actually having power.
Speaker 5: Okay.
Speaker 4: And in a situation where you have a boss or
Speaker 4: a mother in law that is toxic, you are never
Speaker 4: in control of your mother in law or your toxic boss.
Speaker 4: You have to let them be who they are, because
Speaker 4: wishing they're going to change is just going to create
Speaker 4: angst and stress for you, Okay. And so when you
Speaker 4: say let them, you are recognizing with steely, cold eyes,
Speaker 4: the situation that you're in, okay, and you are going
Speaker 4: to remove any hope that you can change them, and
Speaker 4: you're going to remove any hope that they're actually going
Speaker 4: to change. And the reason why this is important is
Speaker 4: because the power is not in them. If you want
Speaker 4: a situation to change, the only person who has the
Speaker 4: power to change it is you. And so there are
Speaker 4: a couple of things you can do here, okay. And
Speaker 4: I'm going to assume, for the sake of the fact
Speaker 4: that you said toxic boss, that we're not in a
Speaker 4: situation where this is a person that's breaking laws. Okay,
Speaker 4: So that is violating HR policies that would.
Speaker 3: Get them fired. Yes, do this makes sense? They're just
Speaker 3: a dick.
Speaker 2: They're a dick. And maybe there, you know, it's a
Speaker 2: situation where you're always being looked over for the promotion
Speaker 2: and you feel like that there, you know, in a
Speaker 2: situation like that, how how can you help? It's so
Speaker 2: frustrating because I feel like, if you're a toxic boss, like,
Speaker 2: what are the repercussions for you?
Speaker 3: There should be.
Speaker 2: You can't just go through life being a toxic boss.
Speaker 3: Right. There's a lot of people that have very toxic behavior.
Speaker 4: There's a lot of challenging people, and unfortunately, we live
Speaker 4: in a world where challenging people get rewarded because they
Speaker 4: exhaust us and people get afraid of them, and everybody
Speaker 4: tips around that person and everyone's scared to rock the boat.
Speaker 4: Those kind of people bring in the money, so nobody
Speaker 4: wants to rock them out. And so here's the choice
Speaker 4: that you have. Because you can't control that person, and
Speaker 4: you can't control what the company at large is going
Speaker 4: to do. You can only control what you're going to
Speaker 4: do in that situation. Okay, So number one, when you
Speaker 4: say let them, you recognize that any hope that they're
Speaker 4: changing is actually a waste of time and it keeps
Speaker 4: you gaslating yourself, and any wish that they're changing is
Speaker 4: you giving your power away and actually not recognizing that
Speaker 4: you have power. And so one option that you have
Speaker 4: after you say let them my boss is my boss,
Speaker 4: is let me remind myself that my energy and time
Speaker 4: matters and so as I'm driving into work, I'm not
Speaker 4: going to brace because I know what I'm walking into.
Speaker 3: And let me remind myself.
Speaker 4: That if I'm going to continue to be in this
Speaker 4: job and not actually go look for other things, then
Speaker 4: I'm actually owning this situation and I'm going to learn
Speaker 4: how to tolerate it. And the other thing that I
Speaker 4: I will tell you is that your energy is more
Speaker 4: powerful than your bosses. Even though you perceive that they
Speaker 4: have control over everything, you're actually in control of your career.
Speaker 4: I don't think it's true that there's only one place
Speaker 4: to work. I don't think it's true that there aren't
Speaker 4: other opportunities. I think we blind ourselves to it, and
Speaker 4: we say, well, I need the money and I've worked
Speaker 4: so hard, and this is n't fair. What if there
Speaker 4: was something way better? Yeah, and putting all your energy
Speaker 4: here is blinding you to the fact that there's another
Speaker 4: door open over there. But because you waste all your
Speaker 4: time and energy allowing this jackass to drain your life force,
Speaker 4: when you get home at the end of the day,
Speaker 4: you don't have the energy to look around the other
Speaker 4: thing that you can do. If it's really that bad,
Speaker 4: there's two other things I would recommend, since we're talking
Speaker 4: about work, one is like document everything that's happening and
Speaker 4: then actually talk to people that he reports to. And
Speaker 4: you might get fired, yeah, but you might actually feel
Speaker 4: empowered yeah, because you're not just taking it and taking
Speaker 4: it and taking it. You're recognizing that I get to
Speaker 4: choose how I respond. And then I want to let
Speaker 4: that's let me piece. And then here's the other thing
Speaker 4: I want to I want to give you some research.
Speaker 4: It's really important for women to hear catalysts. Did a
Speaker 4: huge study about what actually creates a salary raise or
Speaker 4: a promotion for women, and I personally believe that this
Speaker 4: research is true for absolutely anybody at any age. And
Speaker 4: there's only one skill and one thing that actually directly
Speaker 4: ties to somebody getting a promotion at work. You want
Speaker 4: to know what it is?
Speaker 3: Sure any guesses tolerance?
Speaker 6: No, nope, it's are your contributions known? There's the stamina,
Speaker 6: but no, it's are your contributions known?
Speaker 3: I call this visibility.
Speaker 4: Are the contributions that you're making to the organization visible
Speaker 4: to the people who could promote you? And the answers
Speaker 4: probably know because you're busy with your head down working, working, working,
Speaker 4: hoping that your boss notices, or hoping that their boss's notices.
Speaker 4: And I'm going to tell you something in life, your
Speaker 4: career is not your boss's responsibility, it's yours.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that can happen in the home, of course,
Speaker 1: those who work in the home. You can be going, going, going, going,
Speaker 1: and nobody's.
Speaker 4: Right, and then you're pissed off because your contributions aren't visible.
Speaker 4: And what I'm here to say is that visibility is
Speaker 4: your responsibility. And so if you feel like you are
Speaker 4: being looked over, first of all, you deserve to work
Speaker 4: somewhere where you feel seen and accepted and appreciated and
Speaker 4: compensated to the work that you do. If you would
Speaker 4: like to be compensated for more than what you are
Speaker 4: currently doing, then you've got to make sure that you
Speaker 4: are taking responsibility. Let me make sure that what I'm
Speaker 4: and done is known by people and that it's more
Speaker 4: than what they're actually paying me to do. Because if
Speaker 4: you're doing a good job, great, that's what I'm paying
Speaker 4: you to do. If you actually want a promotion, then
Speaker 4: what are the contributions that you're making and how are
Speaker 4: you making them visible?
Speaker 1: So historically, men are maybe better at this. Sure I
Speaker 1: have another scenario, Sure, bring it. We have young listeners.
Speaker 3: Huh, so.
Speaker 2: Bullying in school? How does the let them let Me
Speaker 2: theory work in a.
Speaker 3: Scenario like that?
Speaker 2: How old are the kids, like, say, they're in high school?
Speaker 4: Okay, So the let them Theory book itself is about
Speaker 4: adult relationships, and there's this huge download in the back
Speaker 4: or can buy doctor Stuart Ablon from matt General Brigham
Speaker 4: psychologist who's been practicing working with kids at mass General
Speaker 4: Brigham in Boston for thirty years. And so there's this
Speaker 4: huge guide that is so powerful that is going to
Speaker 4: answer all the questions on parenting. But let's talk about
Speaker 4: that situation. So you're if you are in high school
Speaker 4: and you're listening to my words and you are being bullied.
Speaker 4: When you say let them, you are not allowing somebody
Speaker 4: to bully you. What you're actually doing is you are
Speaker 4: separating your worth from what they say about you. Okay, now,
Speaker 4: but here's the important thing. Okay, this is not something
Speaker 4: to tolerate. I don't want you to just take this
Speaker 4: on the chin. You shouldn't be taking this and having
Speaker 4: to deal with this on your own.
Speaker 3: That's the let me part.
Speaker 4: Let me remind myself that I deserve to walk into
Speaker 4: school and actually feel safe and be able to be respected.
Speaker 4: And because I deserve that, and I know that, I
Speaker 4: am going to talk to my teachers, my parents, the
Speaker 4: administration and tell them what's happening. Because what happens when
Speaker 4: that sort of thing happens is you're so ashamed that
Speaker 4: it's happening, and you're so beaten down that you don't
Speaker 4: even ask for help. And so you say, let them
Speaker 4: say what they're going to say, let them pick on me,
Speaker 4: but let me remind myself because I can't. The powers
Speaker 4: not in trying to control the bullies or avoiding them.
Speaker 4: The power is in me recognizing this is not okay.
Speaker 4: And so my response is going to be not to
Speaker 4: tolerate this in silence, but to go and tell somebody
Speaker 4: because they shouldn't.
Speaker 3: Be doing this.
Speaker 4: Because the other thing we know about kids that bully
Speaker 4: is that they got taught to do that because they
Speaker 4: were probably being bullied by their parents. That doesn't mean
Speaker 4: that it's okay. It means it's a learned behavior that
Speaker 4: is not going away until adults step in and actually intervene.
Speaker 4: And you know, part of The problem is is that
Speaker 4: it doesn't just happen in school. You know, it's happening
Speaker 4: in the hallways, but it's also happening online. And so
Speaker 4: if it's happening to you online, you're gonna say let
Speaker 4: them say, let let them because this is it's already happened.
Speaker 3: But then you're gonna let me remind myself I can
Speaker 3: block people.
Speaker 4: I need to tell people that this is happening to me,
Speaker 4: like I I am not going to allow myself to
Speaker 4: sit in silence because this is this kind of it's
Speaker 4: not okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the reaching out for help, yes, and how
Speaker 1: much dignity there is and how much strength there is, yes.
Speaker 2: I think there's I think there's confusion though in the
Speaker 2: wording of letting them in a situation like that, hearing it,
Speaker 2: because it almost feels like let.
Speaker 4: Them, let them do what they're gonna do, let them
Speaker 4: say what they're going to say. I'm not going to
Speaker 4: give these people power. I'm going to remind myself that
Speaker 4: I get to choose what I think about myself and
Speaker 4: saying this isn't okay, and you don't get to do
Speaker 4: this to me, that is taking your power back. Saying
Speaker 4: that is saying to yourself, I deserve to get some
Speaker 4: help here. I'm not going to suffer in silence. When
Speaker 4: you say let let them, you're not giving somebody permission
Speaker 4: to harm you. What you're recognizing is spending time and
Speaker 4: energy wishing it would go away doesn't make it go away. Yes,
Speaker 4: spending time and energy trying to change the people that
Speaker 4: are doing this to you actually drains your time and energy.
Speaker 4: I want you to detach from what they're doing and
Speaker 4: remind yourself. Let me remind myself that I deserve to
Speaker 4: feel safe, I deserve to get help. I am not
Speaker 4: here on this earth to suffer like this, and I'm
Speaker 4: not going to allow myself to suffer alone.
Speaker 3: And that going to somebody.
Speaker 4: At school, whether it's a counselor whether it is somebody
Speaker 4: in your family that you trust, and actually telling somebody
Speaker 4: that is one of the greatest acts of self love
Speaker 4: that you can do, because you are recognizing that you
Speaker 4: are a person who doesn't deserve to be treated this way,
Speaker 4: and you're saying it to somebody and you're getting help.
Speaker 4: And I think one of the reasons why a lot
Speaker 4: of kids suffer alone is because they're afraid their parents
Speaker 4: are going to intervene, and then they're afraid they're going
Speaker 4: to make it worse. And I know that I've had
Speaker 4: situations with my kids when they're in middle school in
Speaker 4: high school, especially our son, where I'm like.
Speaker 3: What are they? Don't you like?
Speaker 4: And you have to restrain your emotions when somebody comes
Speaker 4: to you with a very difficult situation like it.
Speaker 3: Well, let's take one with adults.
Speaker 4: You've got a friend who confesses that you know somebody
Speaker 4: in their life is cheated on them. The last thing
Speaker 4: you want want to do is jump in and be
Speaker 4: like that son of a bitch. You want to be like,
Speaker 4: how are you feeling? What can I do?
Speaker 3: This must be so painful? Yeah, And simply.
Speaker 4: Calming your own emotions and judgment and validating what somebody
Speaker 4: is feeling, that's what they need. M Yes, And then
Speaker 4: you ask and I would ask this if if I
Speaker 4: had somebody in high school call me and talk about this,
Speaker 4: I would say to them, no matter how serious this is,
Speaker 4: doctor Stuart Ablin's approach, he calls it with them, have
Speaker 4: you thought about what you want to do?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 4: So you have somebody that calls into your show and
Speaker 4: they're distraught and there's so many kids struggling with anxiety
Speaker 4: and depression and doing self harm and feeling like there's nobody.
Speaker 4: Have you thought about what you might want to do? Course,
Speaker 4: it's all they thought about, but they probably have some
Speaker 4: really good ideas. And you even just asking that validates
Speaker 4: that I actually think you're capable. I'd be curious to
Speaker 4: hear what you think you'd like to do? How can
Speaker 4: I support you in that?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Which, and now you start to feel empowered.
Speaker 1: Yeah, which is so great in parenting and I love
Speaker 1: that in friendship and marriage and as a daughter to
Speaker 1: a mother.
Speaker 3: Have you thought about what you'd like to do?
Speaker 1: I find that hard with the kids, I'm learning, I'm
Speaker 1: doing better, I swear I find myself like truly like
Speaker 1: like like I've been slowed down, and like.
Speaker 2: I believe in your ability to fix the situation.
Speaker 1: Yes, and you and I have to say, I've really
Speaker 1: like been like walking the talk and.
Speaker 3: What's happening magical.
Speaker 1: Like I walked by my seventeen year old son's room
Speaker 1: the other day and I walked by the door's always open, which,
Speaker 1: thank you lord, he still keeps his door open.
Speaker 3: Because you're taking the door off. You've taken the door off.
Speaker 3: I walk by, and I truly like, and I really
Speaker 3: went like, huh.
Speaker 1: And I looked and I was like, because you've gone out.
Speaker 1: And what I saw was a completely clean room with
Speaker 1: a completely made bed.
Speaker 5: And guess what I hadn't done. I hadn't asked.
Speaker 3: Him to clean his room.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I hadn't asked him to make his bed
Speaker 1: that day. That day, that day, I had laid in
Speaker 1: there like hey, and I kind of did.
Speaker 5: Guys, you gotta read this book.
Speaker 1: I did the thing I think I did. Tell me
Speaker 1: how I did. I sat him down. I said, here's
Speaker 1: the deal. When I walked by your room and the
Speaker 1: bed's undone, and your bag's there, and everything's stilling out
Speaker 1: and the expensive computers side with all the thing, it
Speaker 1: makes me feel like you think I should be taking
Speaker 1: care of your stuff. And I don't want to take
Speaker 1: care of your stuff anymore. I want to go out
Speaker 1: to dinner with you. I want to play a game
Speaker 1: with you, I want to listen to what's happening.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I didn't want to hear rid your girlfriend. I
Speaker 3: don't want to.
Speaker 5: Clean up sure. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And it was a conversation I had like two days
Speaker 2: and then when I walked by, and I mean, goosebumps
Speaker 2: all out my bike.
Speaker 1: No, I know, we're talking about cleaning up a room.
Speaker 1: But it was a game changer and it was simple,
Speaker 1: and I was just very honest and I really didn't
Speaker 1: even put any like super you know, your mother's an
Speaker 1: actress dramatic language in. I really just said exactly that.
Speaker 3: I said exactly that.
Speaker 1: Growth Yes, okay, you brought up an example, and I
Speaker 1: think that we also have so many listeners that call
Speaker 1: in heartbroken.
Speaker 3: Oh, yes, okay, let's go.
Speaker 1: I know, right, and you mentioned something that I again
Speaker 1: because I wish i'd read this when I was sixteen.
Speaker 1: I actually probably could have gotten into this when I
Speaker 1: was sixteen. But what a gift in my twenties to have,
Speaker 1: in a heartbroken state taken a sentence out of your book,
Speaker 1: which was, if someone were to tell me that they
Speaker 1: knew with absolute certainty, but the love of my life
Speaker 1: was five months away, what would I do with the
Speaker 1: time that I was in?
Speaker 3: Yes, And it blew my mind.
Speaker 4: Well, let's talk about heartbreak, because the interesting thing is like, yeah,
Speaker 4: it would be get well.
Speaker 3: Because you don't think they are.
Speaker 4: And so yeah, here's I want I want to back
Speaker 4: up a little bit, because my twenty five year old
Speaker 4: daughter and I wrote this book together. Yeah, we argued
Speaker 4: over every word. I'd be like, well we should I
Speaker 4: think I'm gonna tell this story. She's like, that's the
Speaker 4: stupidest story. Twenty five year old person my age cares
Speaker 4: about that, Like, we walk with my story. So when
Speaker 4: we were writing the book, we were writing the love
Speaker 4: section and how to use the let them theory to
Speaker 4: really choose and create the best love story of your
Speaker 4: life and the best loving relationships of your life. And
Speaker 4: so we get to the part like we go through
Speaker 4: like the early stages and situationships and then how to
Speaker 4: take it to the next level, and then how to
Speaker 4: decide is this the right person or is this not
Speaker 4: my person?
Speaker 3: And then we get to the section on.
Speaker 4: Heartbreak, and I kid you not, twenty four hours into
Speaker 4: writing this section, her boyfriend, who she thought was going
Speaker 4: to be the end of the aisle, broke up with her.
Speaker 3: Wow, and she.
Speaker 4: Was like, this is the stupidest advice I've ever And
Speaker 4: she was in a heap, crying on the floor and
Speaker 4: in a dispressive state. And of course when it happens,
Speaker 4: because he was like part of our families, like in
Speaker 4: the digital frame and now I'm like having to.
Speaker 3: Hit Paul's oh god, yeah.
Speaker 4: Frame, and now he and his mother and I are texting,
Speaker 4: and I know it's a boundary.
Speaker 3: I can't believe this, you know, like yeah.
Speaker 4: And so it was the most extraordinary gift of an experience, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 4: because we wrote that section of the book while she
Speaker 4: was processing the biggest heartbreak of.
Speaker 3: Her entire life in real time.
Speaker 4: And when you say let them, let them walk out
Speaker 4: the door, let them move on, let them not love me,
Speaker 4: let them not want a commitment, doesn't take the pain away.
Speaker 3: It helps you recognize.
Speaker 4: That that chapter of your life is actually over. And
Speaker 4: the advice is incredible because you're gonna.
Speaker 3: Say let them, let them, let them, let them, let them.
Speaker 4: And the only advice that's out there about heartbreak is like.
Speaker 3: Well me cown a revenge diet.
Speaker 4: Get like, and you don't love yourself, you can hate
Speaker 4: yourself like you actually think you're unlovable. You think that
Speaker 4: you're never going to find love again. You don't think
Speaker 4: you're attractive. You feel rejected.
Speaker 5: Aren't You're getting picked?
Speaker 4: Yes, exactly, And so you are supposed to be in
Speaker 4: a depressive state. This is why you've got to like,
Speaker 4: if somebody in your life is going through this, they're grieving,
Speaker 4: They're grieving the loss of the life they thought they
Speaker 4: were going to have. And then the book goes even
Speaker 4: deeper because I'd never thought about heartbreaks this way. Heartbreaks
Speaker 4: hurt so badly because you're not just grieving the life
Speaker 4: that you thought you were going to have, You're actually
Speaker 4: having to unlearned life with a person. You are going
Speaker 4: through detox in your nervous system, in your brain because
Speaker 4: your nervous system and brain has actually created patterns in
Speaker 4: your body because you've spent years with this person, and
Speaker 4: so you hear their voice, you sense their presence, and
Speaker 4: the mistake that we make, especially in the early days,
Speaker 4: You're like, that must mean they miss me, that must
Speaker 4: mean they're mind. No, it means your nervous system is
Speaker 4: actually having to break patterns them. And so the recommendation,
Speaker 4: which you know, my daughter and I did a whole
Speaker 4: podcast episode about this too, and we've received more write
Speaker 4: ends about this episode where she walked through the process
Speaker 4: that our therapist said she should go through, which is
Speaker 4: first of all, when you when it happens, allow yourself
Speaker 4: to be in a depressive state.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you have to go.
Speaker 4: Through a thirty day no contact, no photos, no voice memos,
Speaker 4: no videos, no reminders, detox because you have to because anytime,
Speaker 4: because you're going through this experience in your body where
Speaker 4: your brain is actually breaking apart hearing the patterns of
Speaker 4: their voice. You're going through an experience of your body,
Speaker 4: of your nervous system sensing the presence in your bed.
Speaker 3: And this is normal.
Speaker 4: And so if you look at a voice memo or
Speaker 4: you check their location, guess what you just did. It's
Speaker 4: like an It's like somebody who's sober taking a drink. Yeah,
Speaker 4: you literally just activated all those old pathways. So somebody
Speaker 4: that you know, that girlfriend that can't get over somebody,
Speaker 4: it's they've never taken a thirty day break. They still
Speaker 4: see the photos, they still cut, so they keep this
Speaker 4: old circuitry alive in their body.
Speaker 3: Which is so much harder to do.
Speaker 4: Yes, this is why it's even more critical, because you're
Speaker 4: actually keeping this alive.
Speaker 3: Yes, and they fucking left. The worst thing that you
Speaker 3: could do is be with somebody. Yeah when you don't
Speaker 3: want to be with them.
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 2: Okay, so she did this yes, and what was it
Speaker 2: like after the thirty days?
Speaker 4: So after she's she's adorable because after the thirty days,
Speaker 4: she was like, okay, I can call him now. Oh god, yes, yes,
Speaker 4: Well she's like, we're honest.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, of.
Speaker 3: Course, Well no she's not.
Speaker 4: I'm saying she thinks she said that literally even hearing
Speaker 4: the voice, Yeah, just flooded the body.
Speaker 2: So day thirty one she called her.
Speaker 4: Of course, she said, I was able to actually have
Speaker 4: a conversation, like any chance, and clearly there wasn't okay,
Speaker 4: and it didn't hurt as much as it would have. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and she was also able to go, Okay.
Speaker 3: I gotta move on.
Speaker 4: And without that, what would have happened is what happened
Speaker 4: in like every relationship so many of us have, as
Speaker 4: we hold on for so long, Yes, because we're keeping
Speaker 4: them alive, like just literally replaying all the things. And
Speaker 4: so you know, there's a couple of recommendations, which is
Speaker 4: you're gonna say, let them, let them, let them, let them,
Speaker 4: let them, let them, love them, to just detach, detached, detached, detached.
Speaker 4: You should absolutely remove any anything that triggers a memory
Speaker 4: of them. For those thirty days, you'd have to burn
Speaker 4: it or do anything stupid or dramatic. Just put it
Speaker 4: in a box, get it out of site. You Like,
Speaker 4: I literally was pausing the photos in the frame and
Speaker 4: I'm pausing like maybe we'll come back.
Speaker 3: Okay, this would be great, Like I'm hold on, let them,
Speaker 3: let them, let them.
Speaker 4: And then the other thing is is that I it
Speaker 4: was a huge breakthrough for us because I am such
Speaker 4: a fixer.
Speaker 3: I wanted to take her paint.
Speaker 4: Away and I just had to let her be depressed.
Speaker 4: So let her where her pajamasy is. Let her collapse
Speaker 4: on the floor and cry. Let her have that experience,
Speaker 4: because that's how she's going to move through it. And
Speaker 4: if I let her cry and I just you know,
Speaker 4: put my arms around her, say nothing, I'm actually communicating
Speaker 4: to her, I believe you can move through this even.
Speaker 3: Though it sucks. And so.
Speaker 4: These are And another really important thing to do is
Speaker 4: give your bedroom a small makeover because you spend a
Speaker 4: lot of time there. And by small maker, I mean
Speaker 4: you can move your bed to a different wall, you
Speaker 4: can put a different comforter on. You can you know,
Speaker 4: fluff up the pillows or get some cheap throw pillows somewhere,
Speaker 4: like change it up, paint a wall as a visual
Speaker 4: reminder that something new has begun, and the other There
Speaker 4: are some other recommendations too, But you know, the research
Speaker 4: is also helpful here because the research says that after
Speaker 4: about eleven weeks, seventy.
Speaker 3: Percent of people start to feel better.
Speaker 4: Why because time away helps you accept reality. But what
Speaker 4: you do with that time matters. And so this third,
Speaker 4: if you have if you're not over your ex, I
Speaker 4: guarantee you you've never gone thirty days without checking their
Speaker 4: location or watching a video or looking at their social
Speaker 4: And that's and you're the one keeping them alive. You're
Speaker 4: still living in a chapter of your life that's over. Yeah,
Speaker 4: that's not that person's fault, it's yours. I believe that
Speaker 4: everyone can do this, absolutely.
Speaker 5: And I.
Speaker 1: So have loved hearing you say all this in person,
Speaker 1: even though, like I said, I've actually heard it three
Speaker 1: times and I hear.
Speaker 5: God keep listening to it. I would like to say
Speaker 5: also that.
Speaker 1: To encapsulate how contagious let them theory is.
Speaker 5: I spoke about it a little bit. My daughter and
Speaker 5: I went on a trip.
Speaker 3: We had car time.
Speaker 1: We're talking and she's asking what I'm reading. I'm not
Speaker 1: asking her what she's reading, and we.
Speaker 5: Talked about it.
Speaker 1: I just gave her like the elevator version. And I
Speaker 1: hear her later we're in a hotel room. I'm in
Speaker 1: the bathroom and she's on the phone with a friend
Speaker 1: who's They put them all on speaker, and the friend
Speaker 1: is saying how poorly she was treated by another friend.
Speaker 1: And she's listening, and Eve is very compassionate, and just
Speaker 1: that she's listening. She's listening, and I'm putting on makeup.
Speaker 1: I don't know what I'm doing, and all of a
Speaker 1: sudden I hear her say, you know what, let them yeah,
Speaker 1: And I was like mid eyelash stroke, like what I
Speaker 1: was like, And of course I go to listen.
Speaker 5: And she used it perfectly.
Speaker 1: The friend hadn't been invited to go to bride, and
Speaker 1: she said, let them go to brunch.
Speaker 3: They don't get to be with you. Let them go
Speaker 3: to brunch.
Speaker 1: Why don't you go for But it was just it
Speaker 1: was so it was fluid, and it was supportive, and
Speaker 1: it wasn't denying anyone their experiences of there are horrible
Speaker 1: people in the world.
Speaker 3: And sadly a lot of them have a lot of power,
Speaker 3: and they.
Speaker 1: Have power we think they have power over us, but
Speaker 1: this is an incredible tool and I'm so grateful to
Speaker 1: have it out in the world. Yeah, so thank you
Speaker 1: for being with us.
Speaker 2: Thank you, and for anybody we had to let them
Speaker 2: theory book that you can order.
Speaker 3: I think she even signed. When well she's signed, you're.
Speaker 2: Gonna thout her and thank you so much. We have
Speaker 2: so many generations of listeners and everything. You covered so
Speaker 2: much in just the time that we had, and I
Speaker 2: just know that it's going to be so helpful for
Speaker 2: me everybody listening, and so yeah, we just want to
Speaker 2: thank you so much. That's really gift, it really is. Yeah,
Speaker 2: thank you, thank.
Speaker 4: You for inviting me here, thank you for reading the book.
Speaker 4: I'm just excited that that so many people are excited
Speaker 4: about a book that is helping you improve your life.
Speaker 4: You know, I'm a huge fantasy reader, love fantasy, and
Speaker 4: so I understand when like books take off in fantasy.
Speaker 4: But it's amazing to see a book that isn't about
Speaker 4: escaping your life into an alternate universe. It's about actually
Speaker 4: turning back into your life, yes, and tapping into the
Speaker 4: power that you have. And you know you were saying,
Speaker 4: we're both saying very very kind things to me about
Speaker 4: you know, the difference that I'm making. But I think
Speaker 4: this is the way that I see it because I
Speaker 4: just view myself as your friend that hast up a lot,
Speaker 4: and I feel like we're all on this kind of
Speaker 4: walk on life together, Like we're all on the road together,
Speaker 4: and there are times in life where you're going to
Speaker 4: be a couple steps ahead of me. There are times
Speaker 4: where I'm going to be a couple steps ahead of you.
Speaker 4: And if you open up your heart, you can actually
Speaker 4: learn from anybody. And I think your best equipped to
Speaker 4: help the person you used to be. And so to me,
Speaker 4: the reason why this resonates is because I'm just reminding
Speaker 4: you of something that you know to be true about you. Yes,
Speaker 4: like I'm actually slowing you down and reminding you that
Speaker 4: you do have power. I'm reminding you that the things
Speaker 4: that we tend to overlook actually do matter. How you
Speaker 4: talk to yourself, like the friendships, like your family, like
Speaker 4: these things actually matter, and that your time and that
Speaker 4: your energy is valuable, but it's only going to be
Speaker 4: valuable if you protect it right, And this is helping
Speaker 4: you do it, amen, And then yeah.
Speaker 2: For sure, my goodness, absolutely.
Speaker 6: That yes yes, yes, yes, yes yes yes all right,
Speaker 6: so much.
Speaker 3: To digest, So this is part of the episode.
Speaker 1: We're sadly the saddest time I've ever had to say this.
Speaker 3: Let's call it the end of the episode. That's such
Speaker 3: a cute ending