WEBVTT - Call It With Mel Robbins 0:00:00.960 --> 0:00:04.800 Call It What It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camille Luddington, 0:00:05.240 --> 0:00:06.720 an iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:22.760 Well, hello, hello, Hello, hello everyone, and welcome to another 0:00:22.800 --> 0:00:25.240 episode of Call It What It Is. 0:00:25.680 --> 0:00:28.200 We have a very special guest today. Do you notice 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:31.560 anything different about me as we prepared for this episode? 0:00:31.640 --> 0:00:32.000 I did. 0:00:32.120 --> 0:00:37.159 I have never noticed you sweating over guests before, and 0:00:37.200 --> 0:00:38.360 you're a little sweaty today. 0:00:40.760 --> 0:00:43.559 Glistening you mean a little bit disgusting. 0:00:45.680 --> 0:00:48.560 Glistening in my armpits as opposed to my face. 0:00:49.040 --> 0:00:52.240 For everyone listening, you have been talking about this theory 0:00:52.320 --> 0:00:55.640 and this person on this podcast for a long time. 0:00:55.440 --> 0:00:58.600 Now I have, I have. We're talking about the one 0:00:58.600 --> 0:01:01.040 and only mel mel Robins. 0:01:01.800 --> 0:01:03.080 Welcome to the podcast. 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:04.640 Welcome, Welcome. 0:01:04.800 --> 0:01:07.920 So Oprah put a huge spotlight on you right around 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:10.400 the holidays, is what I remember. And she started talking 0:01:10.560 --> 0:01:13.240 about your new book, They'll let them theory. 0:01:14.400 --> 0:01:16.080 I immediately went. 0:01:16.040 --> 0:01:19.000 To order your book, buy your book, Where can I 0:01:19.040 --> 0:01:22.240 get this book? And it was not available, It wasn't 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:25.240 out yet, and I went sneaky, sneaking to my friends 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:27.960 who've my friends in high places who have connections, and 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:30.600 I somehow got a digital copy like the galley is 0:01:30.600 --> 0:01:32.360 that what they call it in the business, the galley, 0:01:33.040 --> 0:01:37.000 and I got a pre I got a galley, I 0:01:37.000 --> 0:01:39.319 got a little sneak peek and I started reading it 0:01:39.360 --> 0:01:44.320 and I was so excited. And then as I'm reading it, 0:01:44.360 --> 0:01:48.240 I'm getting all the wisdom. And then because I also 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:51.960 pre ordered it on Amazon and I get my real copy. 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:54.960 But don't think that I stopped there. I also got 0:01:55.000 --> 0:01:57.200 it on my audible. So I am like, it's like 0:01:57.240 --> 0:02:00.960 a three way frontal attack of mel Robbins and the 0:02:01.040 --> 0:02:04.080 let Them theory. Anyways, I couldn't do it alone. I 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:06.160 reached out to my mom and I was like, Mom, 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:10.680 we know me. I'm a recovering people pleaser. I'm the 0:02:10.720 --> 0:02:13.799 oldest daughter in this family. I think that this theory 0:02:13.919 --> 0:02:14.560 was made for me. 0:02:15.240 --> 0:02:18.600 Not only me. It's just a personal book for you. 0:02:19.200 --> 0:02:22.640 Yeah, but why don't you mom read this with me? 0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:25.280 Well, no, wonder you love the book because I wrote 0:02:25.280 --> 0:02:28.200 it with my oldest daughter. There's like first daughter energy 0:02:28.360 --> 0:02:28.960 in the book. 0:02:29.080 --> 0:02:31.560 So yes, yeah, what I thought a lot was what 0:02:31.600 --> 0:02:33.080 a gift it was for me. But then what I 0:02:33.120 --> 0:02:36.760 also thought was what a gift if I got this 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:40.840 when I was twenty And I think it also because 0:02:40.919 --> 0:02:43.720 again I got the pre kid, I got all the copies, 0:02:43.800 --> 0:02:47.400 and of course I sent one straight to my mom. 0:02:47.680 --> 0:02:49.880 I was like, Mom, let's do let we're read this together, 0:02:50.240 --> 0:02:53.880 and so we're reading them in tandem. And something about 0:02:54.160 --> 0:03:00.000 reading your words allowed for our journey to have no stickiness. 0:03:00.280 --> 0:03:01.959 It wasn't like either one of us was. It wasn't 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:04.760 like I was saying, like, you're so controlling, Yeah, chapter 0:03:05.320 --> 0:03:06.840 fat did you read that part? 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:07.280 Yeah? 0:03:07.280 --> 0:03:09.280 You know, And she wasn't saying it back to me. 0:03:09.720 --> 0:03:12.919 It was just free here you were saying that, yeah, 0:03:12.960 --> 0:03:16.119 And she could see herself and self report or take 0:03:16.120 --> 0:03:18.799 that inventory, and I could see myself and so it 0:03:19.320 --> 0:03:22.720 created a conversation. And so I think the multi generational 0:03:22.800 --> 0:03:25.079 quality of it as well is just like. 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:27.680 A little bit of a boom. 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:30.640 Well, thank you for saying that. There's so much I 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:33.320 want to unpack about what you just said. But in 0:03:33.400 --> 0:03:35.760 case you're listening or watching this and you don't know 0:03:35.800 --> 0:03:38.040 what the let them theory is, it's simply the act 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:41.040 of in a moment where you feel worried or stressed 0:03:41.040 --> 0:03:43.880 out or frustrated or pissed off, you just say let them. 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:46.800 Whether it's about the traffic, or your mother's mood, or 0:03:46.880 --> 0:03:49.160 it's the fact that somebody that you're interested in doesn't 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:52.280 want to be let them. And then the second part, 0:03:52.600 --> 0:03:55.160 after you've said let them, and you started detach from 0:03:55.200 --> 0:03:58.160 trying to control something that's already going on as you 0:03:58.200 --> 0:03:58.800 say let me. 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:00.720 And when you say let me. 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:04.840 What you're doing is you're reminding yourself in any situation, 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:10.040 whether it's a situation of heartbreak, or it's a situation 0:04:10.040 --> 0:04:12.160 where you're overwhelmed, or a situation where you get fired 0:04:12.200 --> 0:04:14.000 from a job, or you get a situation where you 0:04:14.040 --> 0:04:16.400 don't get invited somewhere, a situation where your mom is 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:19.760 really disappointed in some way. 0:04:19.560 --> 0:04:21.800 That you're living your life and the guilt is flooding in. 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:26.080 When you say let me, you remind yourself that there's 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:28.000 only three things in life you can control. It's not 0:04:28.040 --> 0:04:30.400 your mother's mood. It's not what your boss is doing. 0:04:30.440 --> 0:04:32.880 It's not traffic. It's not whether or not somebody chooses 0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:34.560 to love you back. It's not whether or not your 0:04:34.600 --> 0:04:37.719 friends invite you. The only thing you can control is 0:04:37.800 --> 0:04:39.640 what do I think about this? What am I going 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:43.200 to do or not do? And what am I going 0:04:43.279 --> 0:04:45.560 to do in response? To the feelings that I feel. So, 0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:49.080 if guilt is rising up because your mom's disappointed, am 0:04:49.160 --> 0:04:51.240 I going to bend over backwards to try to make 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:53.279 her not disappointed? Or am I going to act like 0:04:53.320 --> 0:04:56.280 a grown ass woman and let my mom be disappointed 0:04:56.279 --> 0:04:58.840 because she is a grown up and she's allowed to 0:04:58.880 --> 0:05:01.720 feel disappointed, She's allowed to have her experience. 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:02.800 Yeah. 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:04.680 And one of the reason, one of the ways I 0:05:04.720 --> 0:05:08.960 can love her is to actually let her feel what. 0:05:08.960 --> 0:05:12.960 She feels without the need to fix it. And if, 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:16.160 like you and like me, you have. 0:05:16.160 --> 0:05:21.120 Spent your life navigating people's moods or happiness or opinions 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:26.640 or expectations, it's exhausting and it doesn't work, And so 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:27.520 it does. 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:32.040 Yes, I felt myself squarely in that spot. Ye. And 0:05:32.080 --> 0:05:35.599 I remember hearing someone say you can't set yourself on 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:38.600 fire to keep everybody else warm, and it was like. 0:05:39.720 --> 0:05:44.799 Right, that's true, but that's intellectual. So when somebody says 0:05:44.880 --> 0:05:46.240 you got to take off you got to put on 0:05:46.279 --> 0:05:47.360 your face back first, I'm. 0:05:47.200 --> 0:05:48.719 Like, Okay, well, what the hell does that mean? 0:05:49.240 --> 0:05:51.920 Yes, and what is you can't light yourself on fire 0:05:52.000 --> 0:05:54.240 to keep people warm? How do I apply that when 0:05:54.240 --> 0:05:55.279 my life is on fire. 0:05:55.520 --> 0:05:57.440 That's what I love about this book. Yes it's how, 0:05:57.640 --> 0:05:58.599 Yes it's how. 0:05:58.760 --> 0:06:02.559 And there's some things to think about, which is, you'll 0:06:02.600 --> 0:06:04.800 never take control of your own life until you stop 0:06:04.839 --> 0:06:09.159 trying to control everything and everyone around you. If you're exhausted, 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:12.920 if you're tired, if you're not as happy as you'd 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:15.160 like to be, if you don't have what you want 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:19.560 in your life, the problem isn't you. The problem is 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:22.440 the power you're giving to everybody else. Like you've wasted 0:06:22.480 --> 0:06:24.640 so much of your precious time and energy trying to 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:27.080 please everyone else and meet their expectations and make sure 0:06:27.080 --> 0:06:28.880 they think a certain thing, and they're not doing this, 0:06:29.000 --> 0:06:32.640 and they're doing that, that you've exhausted yourself. And what 0:06:33.480 --> 0:06:36.039 saying let them and let me taught me is that 0:06:36.080 --> 0:06:38.080 there's a totally different way to go about your life. 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:41.880 And the shocking thing is that when you just let 0:06:41.920 --> 0:06:45.000 people think negative thoughts, or let them have uncomfortable emotions, 0:06:45.080 --> 0:06:47.480 or let them not understand, or let them not invite you, 0:06:47.600 --> 0:06:51.280 or let them not want to be with you, you 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:55.920 recognize that you're actually capable of facing anything because the 0:06:55.960 --> 0:06:59.599 power's not out there in managing other people. The power 0:06:59.640 --> 0:07:02.480 is in hear in how you respond to it, and 0:07:02.520 --> 0:07:06.039 we've forgotten that we have handed our power over to 0:07:06.400 --> 0:07:09.840 other people's moods, opinions, to these crazy headlines, and in 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:14.120 doing so, we have forgotten that you have so much 0:07:14.200 --> 0:07:17.720 power if you take it back, and you're never going 0:07:17.760 --> 0:07:20.679 to feel powerful if all you're doing is just worrying 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:22.880 about everybody else and managing everybody else and trying it 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:25.000 and being pissed off about everybody else and stressed out 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:27.480 by the long lines and the traffic and what people 0:07:27.520 --> 0:07:27.920 are doing it. 0:07:27.920 --> 0:07:29.040 We're like, no, let them. 0:07:30.160 --> 0:07:32.760 But that's what's so interesting about that, because we can 0:07:32.800 --> 0:07:35.160 describe the experience when we're pissed off, when we're annoyed, 0:07:35.160 --> 0:07:36.640 when we're all the things. 0:07:36.840 --> 0:07:39.800 We're being human, Yes, right, we're just we're actually doing 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:41.240 what our brains were designed to do. 0:07:41.320 --> 0:07:46.040 Yes, what I have found your description of what to 0:07:46.120 --> 0:07:48.880 do and the three things that I can control? Yeah, 0:07:48.920 --> 0:07:51.520 and not react to respond to, which was a big 0:07:51.560 --> 0:07:53.559 thing that I learned. Also, didn't know the difference between 0:07:53.600 --> 0:07:54.440 reaction and response. 0:07:55.000 --> 0:07:57.680 I didn't figure this out to my fifties ahead of me. 0:07:58.800 --> 0:08:00.320 But that's all human. 0:08:00.560 --> 0:08:05.720 Okay, what you outline and these three steps makes me feel, 0:08:06.280 --> 0:08:11.040 make me feel like you were giving me some kind 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:14.520 of permission to almost be superhuman, to get above my 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:15.680 human experience. 0:08:15.880 --> 0:08:18.760 Yes, not your your your your emotional experience. 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:21.520 Yes, and get into that that that wise adult. 0:08:22.360 --> 0:08:23.520 Yes, like so. 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:28.560 I the reason why this is taken off is because 0:08:28.560 --> 0:08:32.200 it doesn't exist in a vacuum. I have made ancient 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:38.000 wisdom a modern tool. This is stoicism, Buddhism, radical acceptance, 0:08:38.040 --> 0:08:42.640 detachment theory, all of which are philosophical, intellectual concepts or 0:08:42.679 --> 0:08:46.800 therapeutic modalities, all of which are very hard to access 0:08:46.920 --> 0:08:50.319 if you're stressed out, pissed off, overwhelmed, or heartbroken. Because 0:08:50.320 --> 0:08:53.200 when you're stressed out by life and you're overwhelmed, which 0:08:53.200 --> 0:08:56.760 everybody is right now, you're in a state of fight 0:08:56.840 --> 0:08:59.200 or flight. And so you're not going to remember the 0:08:59.240 --> 0:09:02.079 serenity pro you're not going to remember the tenets of Buddhism. 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:04.440 You're not going to remember how to be stoic. When 0:09:04.920 --> 0:09:09.000 you literally are so worried about paying your bills, how 0:09:09.040 --> 0:09:12.000 the hell are you going to access something intellectual? And 0:09:12.040 --> 0:09:14.800 so what I love about this and why it's taken 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:19.240 off is because a it is part of a legacy 0:09:19.320 --> 0:09:22.480 of wisdom that has been around since the history of time, 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:26.440 and it is arriving as a gift to the world 0:09:28.120 --> 0:09:33.160 at a moment where things feel absolutely out of control 0:09:33.200 --> 0:09:35.480 for most people. And even if you're not worried about 0:09:35.480 --> 0:09:37.840 the world at large, there's somebody in your family you're 0:09:37.880 --> 0:09:40.959 worried about. You're worried about AI taking over jobs. You're 0:09:40.960 --> 0:09:44.160 worried about the economy. You're worried about like a kid 0:09:44.200 --> 0:09:46.000 that you have and how they're doing. You're worried about 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:48.960 a girlfriend who's dating some loser. There is some aspect 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:50.640 in your life you're worried about the sense that you're 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:52.800 not quite sure you're happy in the relationship or what 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:54.440 you want to do in the next chapter of your life, 0:09:54.760 --> 0:09:57.400 and so you feel overwhelmed and stressed out. And when 0:09:57.440 --> 0:10:00.360 you feel or at least me in those moments where 0:10:00.360 --> 0:10:03.199 I feel like stressed out or pissed off or frustrated, 0:10:04.280 --> 0:10:07.080 I feel out of control, and then I start to 0:10:07.120 --> 0:10:10.720 try to control everybody else, and I miss where the 0:10:10.760 --> 0:10:16.760 power is, and the power is in just saying let them, 0:10:17.200 --> 0:10:20.840 because when you say let them, you're actually recognizing every 0:10:20.840 --> 0:10:23.720 time you say let them, you're actually recognizing I can't 0:10:23.720 --> 0:10:27.800 control this, Therefore it's not worth my time and energy. 0:10:28.880 --> 0:10:31.440 And every time you say this isn't worth my time 0:10:31.480 --> 0:10:34.440 and energy, let them, let that adult be mad and 0:10:34.480 --> 0:10:37.040 not misunderstanding. Let those women gossip about me, Let these 0:10:37.040 --> 0:10:39.280 people unfollow me online, let them let them, let them, 0:10:39.360 --> 0:10:44.160 let them. When you say that, you recognize that your 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:48.560 time and energy has worth because you're protecting it, which 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:49.360 is so cool. 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:50.400 Yeah. 0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:53.000 I mean, the reason why you're exhausted is because you're 0:10:53.040 --> 0:10:58.640 giving your power away, and you can't have power until 0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:01.000 you stop giving it away. And most of us are like, wait, 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:02.679 I have power? How could I have power if I'm 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:04.840 burnt out and stressed out and worried about everything and 0:11:05.320 --> 0:11:07.240 I feel like I've made too many mistakes in life. Oh, 0:11:07.280 --> 0:11:10.080 you have power, all right, you just forgot. And that's 0:11:10.080 --> 0:11:13.040 the other thing as to why this is taking off. 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:17.880 I'm reminding you of something you know to be true. 0:11:18.120 --> 0:11:19.000 Yeah. 0:11:19.080 --> 0:11:22.840 But I think also handed hand, you're believing there's a 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:27.840 lot of empowerment. The way that you are on social media, 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:30.800 and then the way I hear you in the in 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:32.840 the on the audible, and then how I hear your 0:11:32.880 --> 0:11:35.360 way you are empowered. I mean there's a sense that 0:11:35.400 --> 0:11:37.240 you believe in me and you and I don't know you. 0:11:37.440 --> 0:11:39.800 Of course I do, and I believe that you believe 0:11:39.840 --> 0:11:40.720 in everyone. 0:11:40.480 --> 0:11:40.720 True. 0:11:41.120 --> 0:11:44.680 I believe every single human being, yeah, has the ability 0:11:44.679 --> 0:11:47.120 to make their life better. I believe every single human 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:50.280 being has possibility and potential for their life that they 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:54.240 are not in touch with. I a thousand percent believe 0:11:54.280 --> 0:11:57.600 that because I have been in the dirt, in the hole, 0:11:57.760 --> 0:12:03.000 I have reinvented myself so many fucking times, and I 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:07.040 understand that the only thing that's standing in between you 0:12:07.679 --> 0:12:10.400 and what you deserve and desire in life is you. 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:12.720 I'm not kidding about this. 0:12:12.840 --> 0:12:17.079 Yeah, like the two biggest things that are in everybody's 0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:18.719 way because these are the things that were in my way. 0:12:18.720 --> 0:12:21.080 I'm just going to boil it down. Number one, you 0:12:21.440 --> 0:12:22.800 are obsessed. 0:12:22.240 --> 0:12:24.959 With what people think about you, and you actually believe 0:12:25.480 --> 0:12:27.800 that there's something you can do that could guarantee that 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:31.000 somebody is going to think something you cannot, and so 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:36.280 you're putting so much power in managing people's opinions, expectations, 0:12:36.360 --> 0:12:40.719 all that stuff that becomes a huge obstacle because if 0:12:40.760 --> 0:12:43.200 you think about what other people are going to do 0:12:43.400 --> 0:12:45.520 in response to what you want to do with your life, 0:12:45.600 --> 0:12:48.560 you will always hold yourself back. Like if you're constantly 0:12:48.720 --> 0:12:49.839 what are my parents going to think about that? I 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:51.480 guess I better not move. Oh what is my boyfriend? 0:12:51.520 --> 0:12:51.840 What is this? 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:53.479 What you'll you'll. 0:12:53.440 --> 0:13:01.520 Prioritize somebody else's happiness and expectations over your own desire 0:13:01.880 --> 0:13:04.160 to do things in your life. And they didn't do 0:13:04.280 --> 0:13:07.760 that to you, You did it to yourself. So when 0:13:07.800 --> 0:13:10.199 you learn to say, let them be disappointed, let them 0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:14.520 not understand, let them like actually not approve. 0:13:14.800 --> 0:13:16.120 There was a guy that wrote to. 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:20.600 Us yesterday because I am obsessed with reading people's comments 0:13:20.640 --> 0:13:26.839 because I love knowing what is actually resonating and how 0:13:26.840 --> 0:13:29.320 it's impacting people. And so there was a comment that 0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:32.800 came in yesterday that somebody posted online publicly where a 0:13:32.800 --> 0:13:36.240 guy was saying that he had read the let them 0:13:36.280 --> 0:13:41.600 Theory book and he was so grateful because he's engaged 0:13:41.920 --> 0:13:44.040 to Mary, his husband or his fiance, I guess at 0:13:44.040 --> 0:13:49.680 the time, and his father is very Irish Catholic and disapproves, 0:13:50.240 --> 0:13:52.800 and the wedding's coming up, and the dad had sent 0:13:53.880 --> 0:13:57.480 his son and his son's fiance a letter that was 0:13:58.200 --> 0:14:03.160 really awful and disapproving and calling into question whether or 0:14:03.200 --> 0:14:06.800 not God, you know, is gonna whatever. And what this 0:14:06.880 --> 0:14:09.640 guy basically said is before the let them theory, I 0:14:09.880 --> 0:14:11.240 would have come unhinged. 0:14:11.800 --> 0:14:13.120 I would have cut him out of my life. 0:14:13.160 --> 0:14:17.679 I would have absolutely, like just been destroyed by it. 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:20.560 And he said, here's what I did. I said, let him, 0:14:21.520 --> 0:14:25.359 let him have his opinion, let him have his experience, 0:14:25.800 --> 0:14:29.520 let him write something that actually does hurt me, let 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:34.000 him not understand. My father, based on his life experience, 0:14:34.240 --> 0:14:41.520 is allowed to believe what he believes. But I don't 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:44.600 have to let that change who I am or how 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:48.680 I'm living my life. And so when I say let him, 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:54.160 I now create space for two things that are true. 0:14:54.360 --> 0:15:00.120 My father's opinion is bigoted and it makes me feel sad, 0:15:01.600 --> 0:15:04.760 but I can also still want to figure out how 0:15:04.760 --> 0:15:09.360 to have space to have a relationship with him. And 0:15:09.560 --> 0:15:15.160 in saying let him and literally releasing from the emotion 0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:17.800 and just being like, that's what he believes, I'm going 0:15:17.880 --> 0:15:20.000 to let him have his belief, and I'm not going 0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:22.800 to make it my job to actually try to change 0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:25.360 his belief. What I'm going to do is I'm going 0:15:25.440 --> 0:15:27.840 to let me remind myself that I get to choose 0:15:27.880 --> 0:15:29.480 what I think about myself. I get to choose what 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:30.880 I do and don't do, and I get to choose 0:15:30.880 --> 0:15:31.680 how I'm going to respond. 0:15:31.680 --> 0:15:32.320 And I'm not going to. 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:37.160 Respond by allowing this hate to make me hateful. Yeah, 0:15:37.200 --> 0:15:40.000 and so a couple days later, he wrote his father 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:43.640 back and basically was like, I you know understand that 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:46.480 you feel this way. We see things very differently. I'm 0:15:46.520 --> 0:15:50.000 really good with my relationship with God. I hope that 0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:53.880 you will be able to come. And that was it, 0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:57.600 and he's like, I'm free because the secret in life 0:15:57.760 --> 0:16:02.200 is when you focus on or values and who you 0:16:02.240 --> 0:16:04.320 are as a person and the things that you really 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:07.600 want to do in your life, and that's where you 0:16:07.600 --> 0:16:09.560 put your energy, and you know you have good intention 0:16:09.680 --> 0:16:12.880 and you know where your heart is. It's so fascinating 0:16:12.920 --> 0:16:17.760 how quickly you actually don't really think much about other 0:16:17.800 --> 0:16:19.400 people at all because you know the truth. 0:16:20.320 --> 0:16:22.320 And I've spent my life looking. 0:16:22.040 --> 0:16:28.640 For the truth about me and other people's opinions. I've 0:16:28.680 --> 0:16:30.960 spent my whole life looking for the truth about me 0:16:31.440 --> 0:16:33.080 in other people's opinions. 0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:35.520 Out I know, I. 0:16:35.560 --> 0:16:38.800 Know, Okay, So they let them part of it. So, 0:16:39.160 --> 0:16:41.640 and I like this story as an example to it 0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:45.840 because I'm wondering what the emotional component of it of. Okay, 0:16:45.880 --> 0:16:50.360 so somebody hurts you, like the dad, right, yep. Because initially, 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:53.960 when I was hearing about the theory, it almost I 0:16:53.960 --> 0:16:55.920 almost wondered if there was a part of it that 0:16:56.040 --> 0:17:00.120 was like, are you by saying let them, are you 0:17:00.240 --> 0:17:04.120 detaching emotion from that person? Are you almost numbing yourself 0:17:04.200 --> 0:17:05.879 to the to whatever this is? 0:17:06.359 --> 0:17:06.479 So? 0:17:06.840 --> 0:17:09.640 How is it that both things are true? In that 0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:14.480 you're you can't change that person, so you're getting that 0:17:14.560 --> 0:17:18.920 power back, but also you can still be hurt by 0:17:18.920 --> 0:17:19.399 that person. 0:17:19.480 --> 0:17:22.879 You're turning yourself into a zombie. Okay, yeah, you're basically 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:25.919 in that situation. It is a mentally healthy response to 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:27.959 be hurt by somebody who says something hurtful. 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:29.960 Okay, yes, that's a sign that you're working. 0:17:30.080 --> 0:17:33.080 Your body works well, right when you're hurt by something 0:17:33.119 --> 0:17:37.000 that somebody says is hurtful. What we end up doing, though, 0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:40.040 is we take those emotional experiences and then we try 0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:42.240 to change the other person so the hurt goes away. Right, 0:17:42.800 --> 0:17:45.679 You make the hurt go away by actually focusing on 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:48.280 your response to what just happened, not by trying to 0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:52.960 change that person. Yes, and here's the other reason why. 0:17:53.000 --> 0:17:54.600 There is one thing in life you can't change. It's 0:17:54.640 --> 0:17:56.919 other people. You will never be able to change what 0:17:56.960 --> 0:18:01.159 another person thinks, believes, does, says, or feels period. And 0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:04.800 any time you try to change somebody's opinion by arguing 0:18:04.840 --> 0:18:07.880 with them, or you get judgy, or you have suggestions 0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:09.480 and they're not looking for any or you think you 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:14.440 know better, you're not organizing motivation. You're actually creating resistance 0:18:14.480 --> 0:18:15.360 to the thing that you want. 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:16.400 They smell your agenda. 0:18:16.440 --> 0:18:20.040 So of course, people only change when they're ready to change. 0:18:20.280 --> 0:18:22.840 And what's interesting about this example that I gave you 0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:27.119 is that in this example, by saying let him, my 0:18:27.200 --> 0:18:32.040 father's allowed to have his opinions. I disagree with them, 0:18:32.040 --> 0:18:35.440 but he's allowed to have them. I get to choose 0:18:35.720 --> 0:18:37.119 how I'm going to react and whether or not I 0:18:37.160 --> 0:18:39.359 give more power to it, which you do when you 0:18:39.400 --> 0:18:43.480 get angry. And I also get to choose if I'm 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:47.680 going to keep a space open. And what happens when 0:18:47.720 --> 0:18:50.199 you allow people to have their feelings and have their 0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:52.920 opinions and you create the space, and then you focus 0:18:53.000 --> 0:18:55.880 on showing up in your life in the way. 0:18:55.720 --> 0:18:56.760 That you want to live it. 0:18:57.320 --> 0:19:00.960 Funny thing happens over time with that's people start to 0:19:01.000 --> 0:19:04.040 change their mind, not because you jammed it down their throat, 0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:07.400 but because they have to reconcile the fact that their 0:19:07.520 --> 0:19:11.080 opinion actually makes no sense based on how you live 0:19:11.119 --> 0:19:14.280 your life. And there are bazillion examples of this. So, 0:19:14.320 --> 0:19:16.520 for example, if you've ever quit a corporate job and 0:19:16.560 --> 0:19:18.399 gone off and done your own thing and everybody in 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:20.679 your family doesn't get it, let them not get it, 0:19:20.760 --> 0:19:22.480 let them be worried, let them think you're an idiot, 0:19:22.560 --> 0:19:24.879 let them not understand this internet thing like whatever it 0:19:24.960 --> 0:19:27.919 is that they're saying. Because a funny thing happens the 0:19:27.960 --> 0:19:30.320 more you focus on building the new business or becoming 0:19:30.320 --> 0:19:33.359 an influencer or writing the book and you're actually doing it. 0:19:34.359 --> 0:19:36.480 Have you ever noticed your parents, like I always told 0:19:36.480 --> 0:19:38.800 you shad Yeah. 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:44.080 The space actually gives them this safety to come to 0:19:44.160 --> 0:19:48.440 their own conclusion. You're actually loving them and respecting them 0:19:48.760 --> 0:19:51.520 and giving them permission to be flawed or have d 0:19:51.560 --> 0:19:55.960 up opinions or whatever else, and understanding that people do 0:19:56.080 --> 0:19:58.800 change when they actually are ready to change. And through 0:19:58.840 --> 0:20:03.680 your example and the influence that yeah, yeah, and so 0:20:03.880 --> 0:20:06.440 I feel like, and there's another thing, because your question 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:08.359 was excellent, because one of the other things where I 0:20:08.359 --> 0:20:10.400 thought you were going to go with it is when 0:20:10.400 --> 0:20:12.639 you say let them. Let's like talk about a relationship, 0:20:12.880 --> 0:20:15.000 because we all have that. We all have somebody in 0:20:15.040 --> 0:20:18.720 our life who's in a relationship with somebody who is 0:20:18.760 --> 0:20:22.000 treating them poorly. Like you see it, You're like, he 0:20:22.040 --> 0:20:25.399 won't put a label on this, right, that means he's 0:20:25.640 --> 0:20:28.159 having sex with other people. You know, That's what I 0:20:28.160 --> 0:20:30.840 won't label. This means I want to be having sex 0:20:30.880 --> 0:20:32.880 with other people. Yes, And you're up in your head 0:20:32.960 --> 0:20:34.600 like I think, well, I think we're going to get 0:20:34.640 --> 0:20:37.320 married in Lake Clomo, And you're like, I think you're 0:20:37.400 --> 0:20:43.760