1
00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:04,800
Speaker 1: Call It What It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camille Luddington,

2
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:06,720
Speaker 1: an iHeartRadio podcast.

3
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:22,760
Speaker 2: Well, hello, hello, Hello, hello everyone, and welcome to another

4
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:25,240
Speaker 2: episode of Call It What It Is.

5
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:28,200
Speaker 1: We have a very special guest today. Do you notice

6
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:31,560
Speaker 1: anything different about me as we prepared for this episode?

7
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:32,000
Speaker 3: I did.

8
00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:37,159
Speaker 2: I have never noticed you sweating over guests before, and

9
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:38,360
Speaker 2: you're a little sweaty today.

10
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,559
Speaker 3: Glistening you mean a little bit disgusting.

11
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,560
Speaker 1: Glistening in my armpits as opposed to my face.

12
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:52,240
Speaker 2: For everyone listening, you have been talking about this theory

13
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,640
Speaker 2: and this person on this podcast for a long time.

14
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,600
Speaker 1: Now I have, I have. We're talking about the one

15
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,040
Speaker 1: and only mel mel Robins.

16
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,080
Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast.

17
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:04,640
Speaker 3: Welcome, Welcome.

18
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,920
Speaker 1: So Oprah put a huge spotlight on you right around

19
00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:10,400
Speaker 1: the holidays, is what I remember. And she started talking

20
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,240
Speaker 1: about your new book, They'll let them theory.

21
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,080
Speaker 3: I immediately went.

22
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,000
Speaker 1: To order your book, buy your book, Where can I

23
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,240
Speaker 1: get this book? And it was not available, It wasn't

24
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,240
Speaker 1: out yet, and I went sneaky, sneaking to my friends

25
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,960
Speaker 1: who've my friends in high places who have connections, and

26
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,600
Speaker 1: I somehow got a digital copy like the galley is

27
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,360
Speaker 1: that what they call it in the business, the galley,

28
00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:37,000
Speaker 1: and I got a pre I got a galley, I

29
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,319
Speaker 1: got a little sneak peek and I started reading it

30
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:44,320
Speaker 1: and I was so excited. And then as I'm reading it,

31
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:48,240
Speaker 1: I'm getting all the wisdom. And then because I also

32
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,960
Speaker 1: pre ordered it on Amazon and I get my real copy.

33
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,960
Speaker 1: But don't think that I stopped there. I also got

34
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,200
Speaker 1: it on my audible. So I am like, it's like

35
00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,960
Speaker 1: a three way frontal attack of mel Robbins and the

36
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:04,080
Speaker 1: let Them theory. Anyways, I couldn't do it alone. I

37
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,160
Speaker 1: reached out to my mom and I was like, Mom,

38
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,680
Speaker 1: we know me. I'm a recovering people pleaser. I'm the

39
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,799
Speaker 1: oldest daughter in this family. I think that this theory

40
00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:14,560
Speaker 1: was made for me.

41
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:18,600
Speaker 3: Not only me. It's just a personal book for you.

42
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, but why don't you mom read this with me?

43
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,280
Speaker 4: Well, no, wonder you love the book because I wrote

44
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:28,200
Speaker 4: it with my oldest daughter. There's like first daughter energy

45
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:28,960
Speaker 4: in the book.

46
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,560
Speaker 1: So yes, yeah, what I thought a lot was what

47
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,080
Speaker 1: a gift it was for me. But then what I

48
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,760
Speaker 1: also thought was what a gift if I got this

49
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,840
Speaker 1: when I was twenty And I think it also because

50
00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:43,720
Speaker 1: again I got the pre kid, I got all the copies,

51
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:47,400
Speaker 1: and of course I sent one straight to my mom.

52
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,880
Speaker 1: I was like, Mom, let's do let we're read this together,

53
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,880
Speaker 1: and so we're reading them in tandem. And something about

54
00:02:54,160 --> 00:03:00,000
Speaker 1: reading your words allowed for our journey to have no stickiness.

55
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:01,959
Speaker 1: It wasn't like either one of us was. It wasn't

56
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,760
Speaker 1: like I was saying, like, you're so controlling, Yeah, chapter

57
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,840
Speaker 1: fat did you read that part?

58
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:07,280
Speaker 4: Yeah?

59
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,280
Speaker 1: You know, And she wasn't saying it back to me.

60
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,919
Speaker 1: It was just free here you were saying that, yeah,

61
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:16,119
Speaker 1: And she could see herself and self report or take

62
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,799
Speaker 1: that inventory, and I could see myself and so it

63
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,720
Speaker 1: created a conversation. And so I think the multi generational

64
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,079
Speaker 1: quality of it as well is just like.

65
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:27,680
Speaker 5: A little bit of a boom.

66
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,640
Speaker 4: Well, thank you for saying that. There's so much I

67
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:33,320
Speaker 4: want to unpack about what you just said. But in

68
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,760
Speaker 4: case you're listening or watching this and you don't know

69
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,040
Speaker 4: what the let them theory is, it's simply the act

70
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,040
Speaker 4: of in a moment where you feel worried or stressed

71
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,880
Speaker 4: out or frustrated or pissed off, you just say let them.

72
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,800
Speaker 4: Whether it's about the traffic, or your mother's mood, or

73
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,160
Speaker 4: it's the fact that somebody that you're interested in doesn't

74
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:52,280
Speaker 4: want to be let them. And then the second part,

75
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,160
Speaker 4: after you've said let them, and you started detach from

76
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:58,160
Speaker 4: trying to control something that's already going on as you

77
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:58,800
Speaker 4: say let me.

78
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:00,720
Speaker 3: And when you say let me.

79
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,840
Speaker 4: What you're doing is you're reminding yourself in any situation,

80
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:10,040
Speaker 4: whether it's a situation of heartbreak, or it's a situation

81
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,160
Speaker 4: where you're overwhelmed, or a situation where you get fired

82
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,000
Speaker 4: from a job, or you get a situation where you

83
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,400
Speaker 4: don't get invited somewhere, a situation where your mom is

84
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,760
Speaker 4: really disappointed in some way.

85
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,800
Speaker 3: That you're living your life and the guilt is flooding in.

86
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:26,080
Speaker 4: When you say let me, you remind yourself that there's

87
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,000
Speaker 4: only three things in life you can control. It's not

88
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,400
Speaker 4: your mother's mood. It's not what your boss is doing.

89
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,880
Speaker 4: It's not traffic. It's not whether or not somebody chooses

90
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,560
Speaker 4: to love you back. It's not whether or not your

91
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,719
Speaker 4: friends invite you. The only thing you can control is

92
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,640
Speaker 4: what do I think about this? What am I going

93
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:43,200
Speaker 4: to do or not do? And what am I going

94
00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:45,560
Speaker 4: to do in response? To the feelings that I feel. So,

95
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,080
Speaker 4: if guilt is rising up because your mom's disappointed, am

96
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,240
Speaker 4: I going to bend over backwards to try to make

97
00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:53,279
Speaker 4: her not disappointed? Or am I going to act like

98
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,280
Speaker 4: a grown ass woman and let my mom be disappointed

99
00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:58,840
Speaker 4: because she is a grown up and she's allowed to

100
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,720
Speaker 4: feel disappointed, She's allowed to have her experience.

101
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:02,800
Speaker 3: Yeah.

102
00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:04,680
Speaker 4: And one of the reason, one of the ways I

103
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:08,960
Speaker 4: can love her is to actually let her feel what.

104
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,960
Speaker 3: She feels without the need to fix it. And if,

105
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,160
Speaker 3: like you and like me, you have.

106
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:21,120
Speaker 4: Spent your life navigating people's moods or happiness or opinions

107
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:26,640
Speaker 4: or expectations, it's exhausting and it doesn't work, And so

108
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:27,520
Speaker 4: it does.

109
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:32,040
Speaker 1: Yes, I felt myself squarely in that spot. Ye. And

110
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,599
Speaker 1: I remember hearing someone say you can't set yourself on

111
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,600
Speaker 1: fire to keep everybody else warm, and it was like.

112
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:44,799
Speaker 4: Right, that's true, but that's intellectual. So when somebody says

113
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,240
Speaker 4: you got to take off you got to put on

114
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,360
Speaker 4: your face back first, I'm.

115
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,719
Speaker 3: Like, Okay, well, what the hell does that mean?

116
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,920
Speaker 4: Yes, and what is you can't light yourself on fire

117
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,240
Speaker 4: to keep people warm? How do I apply that when

118
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:55,279
Speaker 4: my life is on fire.

119
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,440
Speaker 3: That's what I love about this book. Yes it's how,

120
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:58,599
Speaker 3: Yes it's how.

121
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:02,559
Speaker 4: And there's some things to think about, which is, you'll

122
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,800
Speaker 4: never take control of your own life until you stop

123
00:06:04,839 --> 00:06:09,159
Speaker 4: trying to control everything and everyone around you. If you're exhausted,

124
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,920
Speaker 4: if you're tired, if you're not as happy as you'd

125
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,160
Speaker 4: like to be, if you don't have what you want

126
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:19,560
Speaker 4: in your life, the problem isn't you. The problem is

127
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,440
Speaker 4: the power you're giving to everybody else. Like you've wasted

128
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,640
Speaker 4: so much of your precious time and energy trying to

129
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,080
Speaker 4: please everyone else and meet their expectations and make sure

130
00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:28,880
Speaker 4: they think a certain thing, and they're not doing this,

131
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:32,640
Speaker 4: and they're doing that, that you've exhausted yourself. And what

132
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,039
Speaker 4: saying let them and let me taught me is that

133
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,080
Speaker 4: there's a totally different way to go about your life.

134
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,880
Speaker 4: And the shocking thing is that when you just let

135
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:45,000
Speaker 4: people think negative thoughts, or let them have uncomfortable emotions,

136
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,480
Speaker 4: or let them not understand, or let them not invite you,

137
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:51,280
Speaker 4: or let them not want to be with you, you

138
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:55,920
Speaker 4: recognize that you're actually capable of facing anything because the

139
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,599
Speaker 4: power's not out there in managing other people. The power

140
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:02,480
Speaker 4: is in hear in how you respond to it, and

141
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:06,039
Speaker 4: we've forgotten that we have handed our power over to

142
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:09,840
Speaker 4: other people's moods, opinions, to these crazy headlines, and in

143
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:14,120
Speaker 4: doing so, we have forgotten that you have so much

144
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,720
Speaker 4: power if you take it back, and you're never going

145
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,679
Speaker 4: to feel powerful if all you're doing is just worrying

146
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:22,880
Speaker 4: about everybody else and managing everybody else and trying it

147
00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:25,000
Speaker 4: and being pissed off about everybody else and stressed out

148
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,480
Speaker 4: by the long lines and the traffic and what people

149
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:27,920
Speaker 4: are doing it.

150
00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,040
Speaker 3: We're like, no, let them.

151
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,760
Speaker 1: But that's what's so interesting about that, because we can

152
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,160
Speaker 1: describe the experience when we're pissed off, when we're annoyed,

153
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,640
Speaker 1: when we're all the things.

154
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,800
Speaker 3: We're being human, Yes, right, we're just we're actually doing

155
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,240
Speaker 3: what our brains were designed to do.

156
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:46,040
Speaker 1: Yes, what I have found your description of what to

157
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,880
Speaker 1: do and the three things that I can control? Yeah,

158
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,520
Speaker 1: and not react to respond to, which was a big

159
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,559
Speaker 1: thing that I learned. Also, didn't know the difference between

160
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:54,440
Speaker 1: reaction and response.

161
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,680
Speaker 3: I didn't figure this out to my fifties ahead of me.

162
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,320
Speaker 3: But that's all human.

163
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:05,720
Speaker 1: Okay, what you outline and these three steps makes me feel,

164
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:11,040
Speaker 1: make me feel like you were giving me some kind

165
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:14,520
Speaker 1: of permission to almost be superhuman, to get above my

166
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:15,680
Speaker 1: human experience.

167
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,760
Speaker 3: Yes, not your your your your emotional experience.

168
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,520
Speaker 1: Yes, and get into that that that wise adult.

169
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:23,520
Speaker 3: Yes, like so.

170
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:28,560
Speaker 4: I the reason why this is taken off is because

171
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:32,200
Speaker 4: it doesn't exist in a vacuum. I have made ancient

172
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:38,000
Speaker 4: wisdom a modern tool. This is stoicism, Buddhism, radical acceptance,

173
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:42,640
Speaker 4: detachment theory, all of which are philosophical, intellectual concepts or

174
00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:46,800
Speaker 4: therapeutic modalities, all of which are very hard to access

175
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,319
Speaker 4: if you're stressed out, pissed off, overwhelmed, or heartbroken. Because

176
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,200
Speaker 4: when you're stressed out by life and you're overwhelmed, which

177
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,760
Speaker 4: everybody is right now, you're in a state of fight

178
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,200
Speaker 4: or flight. And so you're not going to remember the

179
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,079
Speaker 4: serenity pro you're not going to remember the tenets of Buddhism.

180
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,440
Speaker 4: You're not going to remember how to be stoic. When

181
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:09,000
Speaker 4: you literally are so worried about paying your bills, how

182
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:12,000
Speaker 4: the hell are you going to access something intellectual? And

183
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,800
Speaker 4: so what I love about this and why it's taken

184
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:19,240
Speaker 4: off is because a it is part of a legacy

185
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,480
Speaker 4: of wisdom that has been around since the history of time,

186
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,440
Speaker 4: and it is arriving as a gift to the world

187
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:33,160
Speaker 4: at a moment where things feel absolutely out of control

188
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,480
Speaker 4: for most people. And even if you're not worried about

189
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,840
Speaker 4: the world at large, there's somebody in your family you're

190
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,959
Speaker 4: worried about. You're worried about AI taking over jobs. You're

191
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:44,160
Speaker 4: worried about the economy. You're worried about like a kid

192
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,000
Speaker 4: that you have and how they're doing. You're worried about

193
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,960
Speaker 4: a girlfriend who's dating some loser. There is some aspect

194
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,640
Speaker 4: in your life you're worried about the sense that you're

195
00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:52,800
Speaker 4: not quite sure you're happy in the relationship or what

196
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,440
Speaker 4: you want to do in the next chapter of your life,

197
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,400
Speaker 4: and so you feel overwhelmed and stressed out. And when

198
00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,360
Speaker 4: you feel or at least me in those moments where

199
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,199
Speaker 4: I feel like stressed out or pissed off or frustrated,

200
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,080
Speaker 4: I feel out of control, and then I start to

201
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:10,720
Speaker 4: try to control everybody else, and I miss where the

202
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:16,760
Speaker 4: power is, and the power is in just saying let them,

203
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,840
Speaker 4: because when you say let them, you're actually recognizing every

204
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,720
Speaker 4: time you say let them, you're actually recognizing I can't

205
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,800
Speaker 4: control this, Therefore it's not worth my time and energy.

206
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,440
Speaker 4: And every time you say this isn't worth my time

207
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,440
Speaker 4: and energy, let them, let that adult be mad and

208
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:37,040
Speaker 4: not misunderstanding. Let those women gossip about me, Let these

209
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,280
Speaker 4: people unfollow me online, let them let them, let them,

210
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:44,160
Speaker 4: let them. When you say that, you recognize that your

211
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:48,560
Speaker 4: time and energy has worth because you're protecting it, which

212
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:49,360
Speaker 4: is so cool.

213
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:50,400
Speaker 5: Yeah.

214
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,000
Speaker 4: I mean, the reason why you're exhausted is because you're

215
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:58,640
Speaker 4: giving your power away, and you can't have power until

216
00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:01,000
Speaker 4: you stop giving it away. And most of us are like, wait,

217
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:02,679
Speaker 4: I have power? How could I have power if I'm

218
00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:04,840
Speaker 4: burnt out and stressed out and worried about everything and

219
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,240
Speaker 4: I feel like I've made too many mistakes in life. Oh,

220
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:10,080
Speaker 4: you have power, all right, you just forgot. And that's

221
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,040
Speaker 4: the other thing as to why this is taking off.

222
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:17,880
Speaker 4: I'm reminding you of something you know to be true.

223
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,000
Speaker 5: Yeah.

224
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:22,840
Speaker 1: But I think also handed hand, you're believing there's a

225
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:27,840
Speaker 1: lot of empowerment. The way that you are on social media,

226
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,800
Speaker 1: and then the way I hear you in the in

227
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,840
Speaker 1: the on the audible, and then how I hear your

228
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:35,360
Speaker 1: way you are empowered. I mean there's a sense that

229
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,240
Speaker 1: you believe in me and you and I don't know you.

230
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,800
Speaker 1: Of course I do, and I believe that you believe

231
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:40,720
Speaker 1: in everyone.

232
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:40,720
Speaker 5: True.

233
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:44,680
Speaker 4: I believe every single human being, yeah, has the ability

234
00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:47,120
Speaker 4: to make their life better. I believe every single human

235
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:50,280
Speaker 4: being has possibility and potential for their life that they

236
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:54,240
Speaker 4: are not in touch with. I a thousand percent believe

237
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,600
Speaker 4: that because I have been in the dirt, in the hole,

238
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:03,000
Speaker 4: I have reinvented myself so many fucking times, and I

239
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:07,040
Speaker 4: understand that the only thing that's standing in between you

240
00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:10,400
Speaker 4: and what you deserve and desire in life is you.

241
00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:12,720
Speaker 3: I'm not kidding about this.

242
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:17,079
Speaker 4: Yeah, like the two biggest things that are in everybody's

243
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,719
Speaker 4: way because these are the things that were in my way.

244
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,080
Speaker 3: I'm just going to boil it down. Number one, you

245
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,800
Speaker 3: are obsessed.

246
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,959
Speaker 4: With what people think about you, and you actually believe

247
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,800
Speaker 4: that there's something you can do that could guarantee that

248
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,000
Speaker 4: somebody is going to think something you cannot, and so

249
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:36,280
Speaker 4: you're putting so much power in managing people's opinions, expectations,

250
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:40,719
Speaker 4: all that stuff that becomes a huge obstacle because if

251
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,200
Speaker 4: you think about what other people are going to do

252
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,520
Speaker 4: in response to what you want to do with your life,

253
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,560
Speaker 4: you will always hold yourself back. Like if you're constantly

254
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:49,839
Speaker 4: what are my parents going to think about that? I

255
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:51,480
Speaker 4: guess I better not move. Oh what is my boyfriend?

256
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:51,840
Speaker 5: What is this?

257
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,479
Speaker 3: What you'll you'll.

258
00:12:53,440 --> 00:13:01,520
Speaker 4: Prioritize somebody else's happiness and expectations over your own desire

259
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,160
Speaker 4: to do things in your life. And they didn't do

260
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,760
Speaker 4: that to you, You did it to yourself. So when

261
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,199
Speaker 4: you learn to say, let them be disappointed, let them

262
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:14,520
Speaker 4: not understand, let them like actually not approve.

263
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,120
Speaker 3: There was a guy that wrote to.

264
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:20,600
Speaker 4: Us yesterday because I am obsessed with reading people's comments

265
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:26,839
Speaker 4: because I love knowing what is actually resonating and how

266
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,320
Speaker 4: it's impacting people. And so there was a comment that

267
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,800
Speaker 4: came in yesterday that somebody posted online publicly where a

268
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:36,240
Speaker 4: guy was saying that he had read the let them

269
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:41,600
Speaker 4: Theory book and he was so grateful because he's engaged

270
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,040
Speaker 4: to Mary, his husband or his fiance, I guess at

271
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:49,680
Speaker 4: the time, and his father is very Irish Catholic and disapproves,

272
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,800
Speaker 4: and the wedding's coming up, and the dad had sent

273
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:57,480
Speaker 4: his son and his son's fiance a letter that was

274
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:03,160
Speaker 4: really awful and disapproving and calling into question whether or

275
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,800
Speaker 4: not God, you know, is gonna whatever. And what this

276
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,640
Speaker 4: guy basically said is before the let them theory, I

277
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,240
Speaker 4: would have come unhinged.

278
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,120
Speaker 3: I would have cut him out of my life.

279
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:17,679
Speaker 4: I would have absolutely, like just been destroyed by it.

280
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:20,560
Speaker 4: And he said, here's what I did. I said, let him,

281
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:25,359
Speaker 4: let him have his opinion, let him have his experience,

282
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,520
Speaker 4: let him write something that actually does hurt me, let

283
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:34,000
Speaker 4: him not understand. My father, based on his life experience,

284
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:41,520
Speaker 4: is allowed to believe what he believes. But I don't

285
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,600
Speaker 4: have to let that change who I am or how

286
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:48,680
Speaker 4: I'm living my life. And so when I say let him,

287
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:54,160
Speaker 4: I now create space for two things that are true.

288
00:14:54,360 --> 00:15:00,120
Speaker 4: My father's opinion is bigoted and it makes me feel sad,

289
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,760
Speaker 4: but I can also still want to figure out how

290
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:09,360
Speaker 4: to have space to have a relationship with him. And

291
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:15,160
Speaker 4: in saying let him and literally releasing from the emotion

292
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,800
Speaker 4: and just being like, that's what he believes, I'm going

293
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,000
Speaker 4: to let him have his belief, and I'm not going

294
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,800
Speaker 4: to make it my job to actually try to change

295
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,360
Speaker 4: his belief. What I'm going to do is I'm going

296
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,840
Speaker 4: to let me remind myself that I get to choose

297
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,480
Speaker 4: what I think about myself. I get to choose what

298
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:30,880
Speaker 4: I do and don't do, and I get to choose

299
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:31,680
Speaker 4: how I'm going to respond.

300
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,320
Speaker 3: And I'm not going to.

301
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:37,160
Speaker 4: Respond by allowing this hate to make me hateful. Yeah,

302
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,000
Speaker 4: and so a couple days later, he wrote his father

303
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,640
Speaker 4: back and basically was like, I you know understand that

304
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,480
Speaker 4: you feel this way. We see things very differently. I'm

305
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:50,000
Speaker 4: really good with my relationship with God. I hope that

306
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,880
Speaker 4: you will be able to come. And that was it,

307
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,600
Speaker 4: and he's like, I'm free because the secret in life

308
00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:02,200
Speaker 4: is when you focus on or values and who you

309
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,320
Speaker 4: are as a person and the things that you really

310
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:07,600
Speaker 4: want to do in your life, and that's where you

311
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,560
Speaker 4: put your energy, and you know you have good intention

312
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,880
Speaker 4: and you know where your heart is. It's so fascinating

313
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:17,760
Speaker 4: how quickly you actually don't really think much about other

314
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,400
Speaker 4: people at all because you know the truth.

315
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:22,320
Speaker 3: And I've spent my life looking.

316
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:28,640
Speaker 4: For the truth about me and other people's opinions. I've

317
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,960
Speaker 4: spent my whole life looking for the truth about me

318
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,080
Speaker 4: in other people's opinions.

319
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,520
Speaker 3: Out I know, I.

320
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,800
Speaker 2: Know, Okay, So they let them part of it. So,

321
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,640
Speaker 2: and I like this story as an example to it

322
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:45,840
Speaker 2: because I'm wondering what the emotional component of it of. Okay,

323
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:50,360
Speaker 2: so somebody hurts you, like the dad, right, yep. Because initially,

324
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,960
Speaker 2: when I was hearing about the theory, it almost I

325
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,920
Speaker 2: almost wondered if there was a part of it that

326
00:16:56,040 --> 00:17:00,120
Speaker 2: was like, are you by saying let them, are you

327
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:04,120
Speaker 2: detaching emotion from that person? Are you almost numbing yourself

328
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,879
Speaker 2: to the to whatever this is?

329
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:06,479
Speaker 5: So?

330
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,640
Speaker 2: How is it that both things are true? In that

331
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:14,480
Speaker 2: you're you can't change that person, so you're getting that

332
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:18,920
Speaker 2: power back, but also you can still be hurt by

333
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:19,399
Speaker 2: that person.

334
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,879
Speaker 4: You're turning yourself into a zombie. Okay, yeah, you're basically

335
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,919
Speaker 4: in that situation. It is a mentally healthy response to

336
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,959
Speaker 4: be hurt by somebody who says something hurtful.

337
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,960
Speaker 3: Okay, yes, that's a sign that you're working.

338
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,080
Speaker 4: Your body works well, right when you're hurt by something

339
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:37,000
Speaker 4: that somebody says is hurtful. What we end up doing, though,

340
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,040
Speaker 4: is we take those emotional experiences and then we try

341
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,240
Speaker 4: to change the other person so the hurt goes away. Right,

342
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,679
Speaker 4: You make the hurt go away by actually focusing on

343
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,280
Speaker 4: your response to what just happened, not by trying to

344
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:52,960
Speaker 4: change that person. Yes, and here's the other reason why.

345
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,600
Speaker 4: There is one thing in life you can't change. It's

346
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,919
Speaker 4: other people. You will never be able to change what

347
00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:01,159
Speaker 4: another person thinks, believes, does, says, or feels period. And

348
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,800
Speaker 4: any time you try to change somebody's opinion by arguing

349
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,880
Speaker 4: with them, or you get judgy, or you have suggestions

350
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:09,480
Speaker 4: and they're not looking for any or you think you

351
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:14,440
Speaker 4: know better, you're not organizing motivation. You're actually creating resistance

352
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:15,360
Speaker 4: to the thing that you want.

353
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,400
Speaker 5: They smell your agenda.

354
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:20,040
Speaker 4: So of course, people only change when they're ready to change.

355
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,840
Speaker 4: And what's interesting about this example that I gave you

356
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:27,119
Speaker 4: is that in this example, by saying let him, my

357
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:32,040
Speaker 4: father's allowed to have his opinions. I disagree with them,

358
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,440
Speaker 4: but he's allowed to have them. I get to choose

359
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,119
Speaker 4: how I'm going to react and whether or not I

360
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,359
Speaker 4: give more power to it, which you do when you

361
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:43,480
Speaker 4: get angry. And I also get to choose if I'm

362
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:47,680
Speaker 4: going to keep a space open. And what happens when

363
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:50,199
Speaker 4: you allow people to have their feelings and have their

364
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,920
Speaker 4: opinions and you create the space, and then you focus

365
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,880
Speaker 4: on showing up in your life in the way.

366
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:56,760
Speaker 3: That you want to live it.

367
00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:00,960
Speaker 4: Funny thing happens over time with that's people start to

368
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:04,040
Speaker 4: change their mind, not because you jammed it down their throat,

369
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,400
Speaker 4: but because they have to reconcile the fact that their

370
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:11,080
Speaker 4: opinion actually makes no sense based on how you live

371
00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:14,280
Speaker 4: your life. And there are bazillion examples of this. So,

372
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,520
Speaker 4: for example, if you've ever quit a corporate job and

373
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,399
Speaker 4: gone off and done your own thing and everybody in

374
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,679
Speaker 4: your family doesn't get it, let them not get it,

375
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,480
Speaker 4: let them be worried, let them think you're an idiot,

376
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,879
Speaker 4: let them not understand this internet thing like whatever it

377
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,919
Speaker 4: is that they're saying. Because a funny thing happens the

378
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,320
Speaker 4: more you focus on building the new business or becoming

379
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,359
Speaker 4: an influencer or writing the book and you're actually doing it.

380
00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:36,480
Speaker 3: Have you ever noticed your parents, like I always told

381
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,800
Speaker 3: you shad Yeah.

382
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:44,080
Speaker 4: The space actually gives them this safety to come to

383
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:48,440
Speaker 4: their own conclusion. You're actually loving them and respecting them

384
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:51,520
Speaker 4: and giving them permission to be flawed or have d

385
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:55,960
Speaker 4: up opinions or whatever else, and understanding that people do

386
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:58,800
Speaker 4: change when they actually are ready to change. And through

387
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:03,680
Speaker 4: your example and the influence that yeah, yeah, and so

388
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,440
Speaker 4: I feel like, and there's another thing, because your question

389
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,359
Speaker 4: was excellent, because one of the other things where I

390
00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:10,400
Speaker 4: thought you were going to go with it is when

391
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,639
Speaker 4: you say let them. Let's like talk about a relationship,

392
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:15,000
Speaker 4: because we all have that. We all have somebody in

393
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,720
Speaker 4: our life who's in a relationship with somebody who is

394
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:22,000
Speaker 4: treating them poorly. Like you see it, You're like, he

395
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,399
Speaker 4: won't put a label on this, right, that means he's

396
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,159
Speaker 4: having sex with other people. You know, That's what I

397
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,840
Speaker 4: won't label. This means I want to be having sex

398
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,880
Speaker 4: with other people. Yes, And you're up in your head

399
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,600
Speaker 4: like I think, well, I think we're going to get

400
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,320
Speaker 4: married in Lake Clomo, And you're like, I think you're

401
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:43,760
Speaker 4: high and so but here's the thing. If you start

402
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:48,880
Speaker 4: to question your friend, what happens is you push her

403
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,000
Speaker 4: into the relationship.

404
00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:51,360
Speaker 3: I've had this, yep.

405
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,080
Speaker 5: And so they double down.

406
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,840
Speaker 3: Yes, as a double down there say let them.

407
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,560
Speaker 4: And you're in a situation where a boss or a

408
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:06,440
Speaker 4: parent or somebody you're dating is treating you poorly. People

409
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,639
Speaker 4: are like, well, isn't saying let them mean you're just

410
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:10,959
Speaker 4: letting them abuse you? I'm like, no, you're already allowing

411
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:15,000
Speaker 4: that they're already abusing you. You're just explaining it away

412
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,760
Speaker 4: in your head and making excuses for why, like this

413
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:21,040
Speaker 4: is somehow acceptable and attractive to you. And I'm not

414
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:26,000
Speaker 4: blaming the victim here, because there are serious situations. I

415
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,520
Speaker 4: used to be a crisis intervention counselor on a domestic

416
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:35,719
Speaker 4: violence hotline. The average person in an abusive relationship it's seven.

417
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:39,560
Speaker 4: It's the seventh time that the leave actually sticks because

418
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:43,680
Speaker 4: of the psychological torture of being in a relationship like that.

419
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,840
Speaker 4: That said, one of the things that keeps you in

420
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:51,119
Speaker 4: a dysfunctional dynamic with somebody is the hope that it's changing.

421
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:55,640
Speaker 4: And so when you say let them, you are actually

422
00:21:55,720 --> 00:22:00,320
Speaker 4: forcing yourself to see someone's behavior as the truth, how

423
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:03,280
Speaker 4: they treat you and feel about you. And the problem

424
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,800
Speaker 4: that most of us get into is that we live

425
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:09,199
Speaker 4: in a fantasy in our head instead of facing the

426
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:13,520
Speaker 4: reality of what's actually happening. And if you find that

427
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,919
Speaker 4: you're like, why am I always with people that won't commit,

428
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,800
Speaker 4: it's because you're confusing yourself. If they only text you

429
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,600
Speaker 4: and don't want to see you in real life, it

430
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:22,720
Speaker 4: means they're not interested in you.

431
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:23,280
Speaker 3: They're bored.

432
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:25,760
Speaker 4: If you know, like people are like I always have

433
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,840
Speaker 4: people that sring me along. Nobody can string you along.

434
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,560
Speaker 4: You actually tie yourself up in nuts. Yeah, because you're

435
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,640
Speaker 4: unwilling to let their behavior speak the truth that they're

436
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:35,600
Speaker 4: not interested in you.

437
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:36,400
Speaker 3: They're not listening.

438
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:41,280
Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, So that's why this is so critical when

439
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:45,919
Speaker 4: it comes to relationships, because we make excuses for things

440
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,119
Speaker 4: that we shouldn't be making excuses for.

441
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,800
Speaker 1: Is this one that piece of being sort of settled

442
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:57,680
Speaker 1: in familiar pain rather than seeking an unfamiliar pain comes in.

443
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,040
Speaker 4: So there is some really interesting research about this was

444
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,040
Speaker 4: like a fascinating and such a simple explanation. It comes

445
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:06,520
Speaker 4: from doctor K who goes as the Healthy gamer online

446
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:11,119
Speaker 4: and he's a Harvard trans psychiatrist who studies gaming addiction,

447
00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:14,120
Speaker 4: and he's unbelievable.

448
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,600
Speaker 3: He had this way of explaining the brain and.

449
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:23,800
Speaker 4: Motivation that completely demystified for me why it's so hard

450
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,960
Speaker 4: to actually change. And he basically was like, look, the

451
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,320
Speaker 4: problem with all of us is we don't understand our

452
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,280
Speaker 4: own wiring the human brain.

453
00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:33,520
Speaker 3: Here's what you need to understand.

454
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,520
Speaker 4: You are actually wired to move towards what's easy right now,

455
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,280
Speaker 4: That's why we sit on the couch instead of running.

456
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,600
Speaker 4: It's why we think about building an online business instead

457
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:47,439
Speaker 4: of doing it. It's why we think about paying our

458
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,040
Speaker 4: bills instead of like and then we spend money. We

459
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,359
Speaker 4: move towards what's easy now because your brain is actually

460
00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:54,840
Speaker 4: wired to do it. Your brain is also wired to

461
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:59,600
Speaker 4: move and push against what feels hard. So in order

462
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:06,000
Speaker 4: to change, you have to defy your own circuitry. You

463
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:10,159
Speaker 4: have to either say, I know this thing is hard,

464
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:13,400
Speaker 4: but I've got a reason that's important enough that I'm

465
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,640
Speaker 4: willing to do the hard work to lose the weight,

466
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,879
Speaker 4: to cut out sugar, to get up on time, to

467
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,480
Speaker 4: get a different job. Now here's where this gets interesting,

468
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:31,159
Speaker 4: because we are hardwired to move towards what's easy. People

469
00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:35,320
Speaker 4: actually typically only change if the situation that they're in

470
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:38,119
Speaker 4: is harder than the thing that they're avoiding. So, like,

471
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,600
Speaker 4: you know, anybody that has ever gotten sober will tell

472
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,840
Speaker 4: you get to a point where it's harder to actually

473
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,840
Speaker 4: drink right than facing the stuff that you want to face.

474
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:51,040
Speaker 4: And so what happens in our relationships is, you know,

475
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:54,399
Speaker 4: we want to change everybody else and so you know,

476
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,360
Speaker 4: you see your spouse or Sarah, your partner, and they're

477
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:58,680
Speaker 4: sitting on the couch munching some chips, watching the game,

478
00:24:58,720 --> 00:24:59,200
Speaker 4: and you're like.

479
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,360
Speaker 3: Why are they not going? Why am I not doing that?

480
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:04,840
Speaker 4: And then you make the suggestion and you didn't motivate

481
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,480
Speaker 4: them by going it's a great day for a walk.

482
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:08,800
Speaker 3: What happened is they're like, no, your walk.

483
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:12,119
Speaker 4: And if I would be going on a walk exactly,

484
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,600
Speaker 4: I know that I could be going on a walk

485
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:18,240
Speaker 4: right now. And so you now become the thing that's

486
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:22,159
Speaker 4: actually feeling hard. So now they're like pushing away from you.

487
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:25,040
Speaker 4: It's natural brain wiring. You're the one creating the resistance.

488
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:25,920
Speaker 4: They're not the problem.

489
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:26,159
Speaker 2: You are.

490
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:27,920
Speaker 3: This was me for fifty four years.

491
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:43,440
Speaker 5: Yeah, I have.

492
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,280
Speaker 2: A question because I feel like this theory makes so

493
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:49,639
Speaker 2: much sense when it comes to family, when it comes

494
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:55,400
Speaker 2: to romantic relationships. Can you speak to how it can

495
00:25:55,440 --> 00:26:01,520
Speaker 2: work in a situation where you've landed your dream job? Uh,

496
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,119
Speaker 2: the job market is terrible. You're like, yes, I've gotten this.

497
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:08,960
Speaker 2: Now you have a toxic boss. Say right, how does

498
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,520
Speaker 2: the let them let me theory work in a situation

499
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,920
Speaker 2: like that where quitting is not feasible to you.

500
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:18,480
Speaker 3: Where why is it not feasible?

501
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:23,680
Speaker 2: Because maybe you have a family to raise and it's

502
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:26,200
Speaker 2: going to take time to there may be the job

503
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,440
Speaker 2: that you're in. There's not a lot of jobs out there,

504
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:33,080
Speaker 2: And so say quitting's not on the table.

505
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:34,320
Speaker 3: You're talking two actresses.

506
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,800
Speaker 2: I don't think that's true, but okay, but say it

507
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,720
Speaker 2: is true, okay for some people sitting here right.

508
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,920
Speaker 3: Okay, if you would like your excuse, you can have it.

509
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:47,080
Speaker 2: Okay, I'd like the excuse in the scenario. So in

510
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,320
Speaker 2: this scenario, what can you do?

511
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:50,080
Speaker 3: Okay?

512
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:54,680
Speaker 2: Because I feel like not everybody that has a toxic manager, whoever,

513
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,200
Speaker 2: should have to quit their job to get out of

514
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:57,720
Speaker 2: the situation.

515
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:01,240
Speaker 4: Correct, So whether it's a great question, okay, And I

516
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:02,520
Speaker 4: didn't mean to be a smart ass.

517
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:03,720
Speaker 3: I meant to say that.

518
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,320
Speaker 4: When you're in a situation where you're confronted, it's easy

519
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:08,439
Speaker 4: to say I have no power.

520
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:09,640
Speaker 5: Yeah.

521
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:13,240
Speaker 4: There is a major difference between what is in your

522
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,439
Speaker 4: control yeah, and actually having power.

523
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:18,040
Speaker 5: Okay.

524
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:23,280
Speaker 4: And in a situation where you have a boss or

525
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 4: a mother in law that is toxic, you are never

526
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,000
Speaker 4: in control of your mother in law or your toxic boss.

527
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:34,480
Speaker 4: You have to let them be who they are, because

528
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 4: wishing they're going to change is just going to create

529
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,520
Speaker 4: angst and stress for you, Okay. And so when you

530
00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:45,359
Speaker 4: say let them, you are recognizing with steely, cold eyes,

531
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,800
Speaker 4: the situation that you're in, okay, and you are going

532
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:53,919
Speaker 4: to remove any hope that you can change them, and

533
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,439
Speaker 4: you're going to remove any hope that they're actually going

534
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,159
Speaker 4: to change. And the reason why this is important is

535
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:02,000
Speaker 4: because the power is not in them. If you want

536
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,679
Speaker 4: a situation to change, the only person who has the

537
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:07,560
Speaker 4: power to change it is you. And so there are

538
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,239
Speaker 4: a couple of things you can do here, okay. And

539
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,439
Speaker 4: I'm going to assume, for the sake of the fact

540
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:15,280
Speaker 4: that you said toxic boss, that we're not in a

541
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,480
Speaker 4: situation where this is a person that's breaking laws. Okay,

542
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,560
Speaker 4: So that is violating HR policies that would.

543
00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:23,840
Speaker 3: Get them fired. Yes, do this makes sense? They're just

544
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:24,240
Speaker 3: a dick.

545
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:26,600
Speaker 2: They're a dick. And maybe there, you know, it's a

546
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,840
Speaker 2: situation where you're always being looked over for the promotion

547
00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:32,359
Speaker 2: and you feel like that there, you know, in a

548
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:36,600
Speaker 2: situation like that, how how can you help? It's so

549
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:39,480
Speaker 2: frustrating because I feel like, if you're a toxic boss, like,

550
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:40,840
Speaker 2: what are the repercussions for you?

551
00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:41,320
Speaker 3: There should be.

552
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 2: You can't just go through life being a toxic boss.

553
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 3: Right. There's a lot of people that have very toxic behavior.

554
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:50,320
Speaker 4: There's a lot of challenging people, and unfortunately, we live

555
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:53,760
Speaker 4: in a world where challenging people get rewarded because they

556
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,959
Speaker 4: exhaust us and people get afraid of them, and everybody

557
00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:59,720
Speaker 4: tips around that person and everyone's scared to rock the boat.

558
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,200
Speaker 4: Those kind of people bring in the money, so nobody

559
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:04,600
Speaker 4: wants to rock them out. And so here's the choice

560
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:07,719
Speaker 4: that you have. Because you can't control that person, and

561
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:09,960
Speaker 4: you can't control what the company at large is going

562
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 4: to do. You can only control what you're going to

563
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:14,720
Speaker 4: do in that situation. Okay, So number one, when you

564
00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:17,600
Speaker 4: say let them, you recognize that any hope that they're

565
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 4: changing is actually a waste of time and it keeps

566
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:27,520
Speaker 4: you gaslating yourself, and any wish that they're changing is

567
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:31,480
Speaker 4: you giving your power away and actually not recognizing that

568
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,280
Speaker 4: you have power. And so one option that you have

569
00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:36,240
Speaker 4: after you say let them my boss is my boss,

570
00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:39,920
Speaker 4: is let me remind myself that my energy and time

571
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:42,360
Speaker 4: matters and so as I'm driving into work, I'm not

572
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:44,120
Speaker 4: going to brace because I know what I'm walking into.

573
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:47,720
Speaker 3: And let me remind myself.

574
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:49,000
Speaker 4: That if I'm going to continue to be in this

575
00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:52,560
Speaker 4: job and not actually go look for other things, then

576
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:56,200
Speaker 4: I'm actually owning this situation and I'm going to learn

577
00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,920
Speaker 4: how to tolerate it. And the other thing that I

578
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,600
Speaker 4: I will tell you is that your energy is more

579
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 4: powerful than your bosses. Even though you perceive that they

580
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:10,520
Speaker 4: have control over everything, you're actually in control of your career.

581
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:13,680
Speaker 4: I don't think it's true that there's only one place

582
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 4: to work. I don't think it's true that there aren't

583
00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:20,120
Speaker 4: other opportunities. I think we blind ourselves to it, and

584
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:21,920
Speaker 4: we say, well, I need the money and I've worked

585
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:25,120
Speaker 4: so hard, and this is n't fair. What if there

586
00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:29,720
Speaker 4: was something way better? Yeah, and putting all your energy

587
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:32,160
Speaker 4: here is blinding you to the fact that there's another

588
00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:35,080
Speaker 4: door open over there. But because you waste all your

589
00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:38,960
Speaker 4: time and energy allowing this jackass to drain your life force,

590
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:40,840
Speaker 4: when you get home at the end of the day,

591
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,160
Speaker 4: you don't have the energy to look around the other

592
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 4: thing that you can do. If it's really that bad,

593
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:48,120
Speaker 4: there's two other things I would recommend, since we're talking

594
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:52,360
Speaker 4: about work, one is like document everything that's happening and

595
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:55,800
Speaker 4: then actually talk to people that he reports to. And

596
00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:58,440
Speaker 4: you might get fired, yeah, but you might actually feel

597
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,400
Speaker 4: empowered yeah, because you're not just taking it and taking

598
00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 4: it and taking it. You're recognizing that I get to

599
00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:06,280
Speaker 4: choose how I respond. And then I want to let

600
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:08,719
Speaker 4: that's let me piece. And then here's the other thing

601
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:10,480
Speaker 4: I want to I want to give you some research.

602
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:15,120
Speaker 4: It's really important for women to hear catalysts. Did a

603
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:21,240
Speaker 4: huge study about what actually creates a salary raise or

604
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:25,800
Speaker 4: a promotion for women, and I personally believe that this

605
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 4: research is true for absolutely anybody at any age. And

606
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:34,200
Speaker 4: there's only one skill and one thing that actually directly

607
00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 4: ties to somebody getting a promotion at work. You want

608
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:39,120
Speaker 4: to know what it is?

609
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:42,560
Speaker 3: Sure any guesses tolerance?

610
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:53,840
Speaker 6: No, nope, it's are your contributions known? There's the stamina,

611
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:56,320
Speaker 6: but no, it's are your contributions known?

612
00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:58,640
Speaker 3: I call this visibility.

613
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 4: Are the contributions that you're making to the organization visible

614
00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 4: to the people who could promote you? And the answers

615
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:10,400
Speaker 4: probably know because you're busy with your head down working, working, working,

616
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:15,000
Speaker 4: hoping that your boss notices, or hoping that their boss's notices.

617
00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:17,800
Speaker 4: And I'm going to tell you something in life, your

618
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,200
Speaker 4: career is not your boss's responsibility, it's yours.

619
00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:22,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that can happen in the home, of course,

620
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:25,520
Speaker 1: those who work in the home. You can be going, going, going, going,

621
00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:26,800
Speaker 1: and nobody's.

622
00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:33,280
Speaker 4: Right, and then you're pissed off because your contributions aren't visible.

623
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,000
Speaker 4: And what I'm here to say is that visibility is

624
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:39,120
Speaker 4: your responsibility. And so if you feel like you are

625
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:41,800
Speaker 4: being looked over, first of all, you deserve to work

626
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:45,320
Speaker 4: somewhere where you feel seen and accepted and appreciated and

627
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:48,400
Speaker 4: compensated to the work that you do. If you would

628
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:51,160
Speaker 4: like to be compensated for more than what you are

629
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:55,400
Speaker 4: currently doing, then you've got to make sure that you

630
00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:59,800
Speaker 4: are taking responsibility. Let me make sure that what I'm

631
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:03,040
Speaker 4: and done is known by people and that it's more

632
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,719
Speaker 4: than what they're actually paying me to do. Because if

633
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 4: you're doing a good job, great, that's what I'm paying

634
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:12,240
Speaker 4: you to do. If you actually want a promotion, then

635
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:15,120
Speaker 4: what are the contributions that you're making and how are

636
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:16,040
Speaker 4: you making them visible?

637
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:34,280
Speaker 1: So historically, men are maybe better at this. Sure I

638
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:38,320
Speaker 1: have another scenario, Sure, bring it. We have young listeners.

639
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:39,240
Speaker 3: Huh, so.

640
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:45,440
Speaker 2: Bullying in school? How does the let them let Me

641
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:47,160
Speaker 2: theory work in a.

642
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:48,040
Speaker 3: Scenario like that?

643
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:50,600
Speaker 2: How old are the kids, like, say, they're in high school?

644
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:55,080
Speaker 4: Okay, So the let them Theory book itself is about

645
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:57,800
Speaker 4: adult relationships, and there's this huge download in the back

646
00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:00,840
Speaker 4: or can buy doctor Stuart Ablon from matt General Brigham

647
00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:06,480
Speaker 4: psychologist who's been practicing working with kids at mass General

648
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,640
Speaker 4: Brigham in Boston for thirty years. And so there's this

649
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:14,239
Speaker 4: huge guide that is so powerful that is going to

650
00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:17,040
Speaker 4: answer all the questions on parenting. But let's talk about

651
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:21,959
Speaker 4: that situation. So you're if you are in high school

652
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,640
Speaker 4: and you're listening to my words and you are being bullied.

653
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:29,840
Speaker 4: When you say let them, you are not allowing somebody

654
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:34,279
Speaker 4: to bully you. What you're actually doing is you are

655
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:38,759
Speaker 4: separating your worth from what they say about you. Okay, now,

656
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:43,080
Speaker 4: but here's the important thing. Okay, this is not something

657
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:46,080
Speaker 4: to tolerate. I don't want you to just take this

658
00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:51,640
Speaker 4: on the chin. You shouldn't be taking this and having

659
00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:53,200
Speaker 4: to deal with this on your own.

660
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:56,040
Speaker 3: That's the let me part.

661
00:34:56,640 --> 00:34:59,560
Speaker 4: Let me remind myself that I deserve to walk into

662
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:04,040
Speaker 4: school and actually feel safe and be able to be respected.

663
00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:08,680
Speaker 4: And because I deserve that, and I know that, I

664
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:12,319
Speaker 4: am going to talk to my teachers, my parents, the

665
00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:18,959
Speaker 4: administration and tell them what's happening. Because what happens when

666
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:21,440
Speaker 4: that sort of thing happens is you're so ashamed that

667
00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:24,680
Speaker 4: it's happening, and you're so beaten down that you don't

668
00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:28,520
Speaker 4: even ask for help. And so you say, let them

669
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:30,120
Speaker 4: say what they're going to say, let them pick on me,

670
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:33,200
Speaker 4: but let me remind myself because I can't. The powers

671
00:35:33,239 --> 00:35:35,640
Speaker 4: not in trying to control the bullies or avoiding them.

672
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:38,640
Speaker 4: The power is in me recognizing this is not okay.

673
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,680
Speaker 4: And so my response is going to be not to

674
00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:44,600
Speaker 4: tolerate this in silence, but to go and tell somebody

675
00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:46,520
Speaker 4: because they shouldn't.

676
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:46,640
Speaker 3: Be doing this.

677
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:49,040
Speaker 4: Because the other thing we know about kids that bully

678
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:51,560
Speaker 4: is that they got taught to do that because they

679
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:55,080
Speaker 4: were probably being bullied by their parents. That doesn't mean

680
00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:59,000
Speaker 4: that it's okay. It means it's a learned behavior that

681
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:02,759
Speaker 4: is not going away until adults step in and actually intervene.

682
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,000
Speaker 4: And you know, part of The problem is is that

683
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:08,480
Speaker 4: it doesn't just happen in school. You know, it's happening

684
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:11,160
Speaker 4: in the hallways, but it's also happening online. And so

685
00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:14,239
Speaker 4: if it's happening to you online, you're gonna say let

686
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 4: them say, let let them because this is it's already happened.

687
00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:20,359
Speaker 3: But then you're gonna let me remind myself I can

688
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:21,000
Speaker 3: block people.

689
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:23,920
Speaker 4: I need to tell people that this is happening to me,

690
00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:27,080
Speaker 4: like I I am not going to allow myself to

691
00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:29,200
Speaker 4: sit in silence because this is this kind of it's

692
00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:29,760
Speaker 4: not okay.

693
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:33,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the reaching out for help, yes, and how

694
00:36:33,719 --> 00:36:36,479
Speaker 1: much dignity there is and how much strength there is, yes.

695
00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:39,440
Speaker 2: I think there's I think there's confusion though in the

696
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:43,560
Speaker 2: wording of letting them in a situation like that, hearing it,

697
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:45,600
Speaker 2: because it almost feels like let.

698
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,239
Speaker 4: Them, let them do what they're gonna do, let them

699
00:36:48,239 --> 00:36:49,360
Speaker 4: say what they're going to say. I'm not going to

700
00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:53,560
Speaker 4: give these people power. I'm going to remind myself that

701
00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:55,719
Speaker 4: I get to choose what I think about myself and

702
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:59,560
Speaker 4: saying this isn't okay, and you don't get to do

703
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,600
Speaker 4: this to me, that is taking your power back. Saying

704
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:06,319
Speaker 4: that is saying to yourself, I deserve to get some

705
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:10,480
Speaker 4: help here. I'm not going to suffer in silence. When

706
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:14,400
Speaker 4: you say let let them, you're not giving somebody permission

707
00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:19,360
Speaker 4: to harm you. What you're recognizing is spending time and

708
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:23,880
Speaker 4: energy wishing it would go away doesn't make it go away. Yes,

709
00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:29,239
Speaker 4: spending time and energy trying to change the people that

710
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:33,360
Speaker 4: are doing this to you actually drains your time and energy.

711
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:38,319
Speaker 4: I want you to detach from what they're doing and

712
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:44,880
Speaker 4: remind yourself. Let me remind myself that I deserve to

713
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:50,279
Speaker 4: feel safe, I deserve to get help. I am not

714
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:54,000
Speaker 4: here on this earth to suffer like this, and I'm

715
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,080
Speaker 4: not going to allow myself to suffer alone.

716
00:37:57,239 --> 00:38:00,640
Speaker 3: And that going to somebody.

717
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:05,000
Speaker 4: At school, whether it's a counselor whether it is somebody

718
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:08,560
Speaker 4: in your family that you trust, and actually telling somebody

719
00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:11,919
Speaker 4: that is one of the greatest acts of self love

720
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:15,960
Speaker 4: that you can do, because you are recognizing that you

721
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:19,960
Speaker 4: are a person who doesn't deserve to be treated this way,

722
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:23,279
Speaker 4: and you're saying it to somebody and you're getting help.

723
00:38:24,239 --> 00:38:26,239
Speaker 4: And I think one of the reasons why a lot

724
00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:28,799
Speaker 4: of kids suffer alone is because they're afraid their parents

725
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:30,759
Speaker 4: are going to intervene, and then they're afraid they're going

726
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:32,560
Speaker 4: to make it worse. And I know that I've had

727
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:34,960
Speaker 4: situations with my kids when they're in middle school in

728
00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:36,919
Speaker 4: high school, especially our son, where I'm like.

729
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:41,360
Speaker 3: What are they? Don't you like?

730
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:49,640
Speaker 4: And you have to restrain your emotions when somebody comes

731
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:51,680
Speaker 4: to you with a very difficult situation like it.

732
00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:52,920
Speaker 3: Well, let's take one with adults.

733
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:56,160
Speaker 4: You've got a friend who confesses that you know somebody

734
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:59,759
Speaker 4: in their life is cheated on them. The last thing

735
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:01,160
Speaker 4: you want want to do is jump in and be

736
00:39:01,239 --> 00:39:03,360
Speaker 4: like that son of a bitch. You want to be like,

737
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:05,520
Speaker 4: how are you feeling? What can I do?

738
00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:11,800
Speaker 3: This must be so painful? Yeah, And simply.

739
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:17,440
Speaker 4: Calming your own emotions and judgment and validating what somebody

740
00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:23,120
Speaker 4: is feeling, that's what they need. M Yes, And then

741
00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:25,080
Speaker 4: you ask and I would ask this if if I

742
00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:27,680
Speaker 4: had somebody in high school call me and talk about this,

743
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:32,319
Speaker 4: I would say to them, no matter how serious this is,

744
00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:35,880
Speaker 4: doctor Stuart Ablin's approach, he calls it with them, have

745
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,359
Speaker 4: you thought about what you want to do?

746
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:38,200
Speaker 5: Yeah?

747
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:40,839
Speaker 4: So you have somebody that calls into your show and

748
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:43,760
Speaker 4: they're distraught and there's so many kids struggling with anxiety

749
00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:47,680
Speaker 4: and depression and doing self harm and feeling like there's nobody.

750
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:50,960
Speaker 4: Have you thought about what you might want to do? Course,

751
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:54,000
Speaker 4: it's all they thought about, but they probably have some

752
00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:58,000
Speaker 4: really good ideas. And you even just asking that validates

753
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:01,120
Speaker 4: that I actually think you're capable. I'd be curious to

754
00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:02,680
Speaker 4: hear what you think you'd like to do? How can

755
00:40:02,719 --> 00:40:03,560
Speaker 4: I support you in that?

756
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:04,200
Speaker 1: Yeah?

757
00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:05,880
Speaker 3: Which, and now you start to feel empowered.

758
00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:08,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, which is so great in parenting and I love

759
00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:12,840
Speaker 1: that in friendship and marriage and as a daughter to

760
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:13,239
Speaker 1: a mother.

761
00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:14,640
Speaker 3: Have you thought about what you'd like to do?

762
00:40:14,719 --> 00:40:16,839
Speaker 1: I find that hard with the kids, I'm learning, I'm

763
00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:19,719
Speaker 1: doing better, I swear I find myself like truly like

764
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:21,759
Speaker 1: like like I've been slowed down, and like.

765
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:23,760
Speaker 2: I believe in your ability to fix the situation.

766
00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:27,160
Speaker 1: Yes, and you and I have to say, I've really

767
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:29,959
Speaker 1: like been like walking the talk and.

768
00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:31,280
Speaker 3: What's happening magical.

769
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:34,479
Speaker 1: Like I walked by my seventeen year old son's room

770
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:37,839
Speaker 1: the other day and I walked by the door's always open, which,

771
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,759
Speaker 1: thank you lord, he still keeps his door open.

772
00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:45,879
Speaker 3: Because you're taking the door off. You've taken the door off.

773
00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:49,879
Speaker 3: I walk by, and I truly like, and I really

774
00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:51,640
Speaker 3: went like, huh.

775
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:55,799
Speaker 1: And I looked and I was like, because you've gone out.

776
00:40:56,400 --> 00:41:00,120
Speaker 1: And what I saw was a completely clean room with

777
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:01,320
Speaker 1: a completely made bed.

778
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,880
Speaker 5: And guess what I hadn't done. I hadn't asked.

779
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:05,560
Speaker 3: Him to clean his room.

780
00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:07,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I hadn't asked him to make his bed

781
00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:11,399
Speaker 1: that day. That day, that day, I had laid in

782
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:14,000
Speaker 1: there like hey, and I kind of did.

783
00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:15,960
Speaker 5: Guys, you gotta read this book.

784
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:17,600
Speaker 1: I did the thing I think I did. Tell me

785
00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:20,959
Speaker 1: how I did. I sat him down. I said, here's

786
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:25,640
Speaker 1: the deal. When I walked by your room and the

787
00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:28,680
Speaker 1: bed's undone, and your bag's there, and everything's stilling out

788
00:41:28,680 --> 00:41:32,200
Speaker 1: and the expensive computers side with all the thing, it

789
00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:36,960
Speaker 1: makes me feel like you think I should be taking

790
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:40,799
Speaker 1: care of your stuff. And I don't want to take

791
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,680
Speaker 1: care of your stuff anymore. I want to go out

792
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:45,439
Speaker 1: to dinner with you. I want to play a game

793
00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:47,160
Speaker 1: with you, I want to listen to what's happening.

794
00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:49,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, I didn't want to hear rid your girlfriend. I

795
00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:49,640
Speaker 3: don't want to.

796
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:51,600
Speaker 5: Clean up sure. Yeah.

797
00:41:51,719 --> 00:41:53,920
Speaker 2: And it was a conversation I had like two days

798
00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:57,640
Speaker 2: and then when I walked by, and I mean, goosebumps

799
00:41:57,600 --> 00:41:58,120
Speaker 2: all out my bike.

800
00:41:58,320 --> 00:41:59,960
Speaker 1: No, I know, we're talking about cleaning up a room.

801
00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:04,520
Speaker 1: But it was a game changer and it was simple,

802
00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,759
Speaker 1: and I was just very honest and I really didn't

803
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,880
Speaker 1: even put any like super you know, your mother's an

804
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:12,680
Speaker 1: actress dramatic language in. I really just said exactly that.

805
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 3: I said exactly that.

806
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:31,480
Speaker 1: Growth Yes, okay, you brought up an example, and I

807
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:33,879
Speaker 1: think that we also have so many listeners that call

808
00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:34,799
Speaker 1: in heartbroken.

809
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 3: Oh, yes, okay, let's go.

810
00:42:37,719 --> 00:42:43,000
Speaker 1: I know, right, and you mentioned something that I again

811
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:45,240
Speaker 1: because I wish i'd read this when I was sixteen.

812
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:46,680
Speaker 1: I actually probably could have gotten into this when I

813
00:42:46,719 --> 00:42:51,759
Speaker 1: was sixteen. But what a gift in my twenties to have,

814
00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:56,080
Speaker 1: in a heartbroken state taken a sentence out of your book,

815
00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:58,640
Speaker 1: which was, if someone were to tell me that they

816
00:42:58,719 --> 00:43:01,080
Speaker 1: knew with absolute certainty, but the love of my life

817
00:43:01,239 --> 00:43:04,360
Speaker 1: was five months away, what would I do with the

818
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:05,200
Speaker 1: time that I was in?

819
00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:08,080
Speaker 3: Yes, And it blew my mind.

820
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:12,080
Speaker 4: Well, let's talk about heartbreak, because the interesting thing is like, yeah,

821
00:43:12,239 --> 00:43:14,360
Speaker 4: it would be get well.

822
00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:15,399
Speaker 3: Because you don't think they are.

823
00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:17,640
Speaker 4: And so yeah, here's I want I want to back

824
00:43:17,680 --> 00:43:20,319
Speaker 4: up a little bit, because my twenty five year old

825
00:43:20,360 --> 00:43:23,000
Speaker 4: daughter and I wrote this book together. Yeah, we argued

826
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:25,560
Speaker 4: over every word. I'd be like, well we should I

827
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:27,239
Speaker 4: think I'm gonna tell this story. She's like, that's the

828
00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:29,919
Speaker 4: stupidest story. Twenty five year old person my age cares

829
00:43:29,960 --> 00:43:32,960
Speaker 4: about that, Like, we walk with my story. So when

830
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:34,879
Speaker 4: we were writing the book, we were writing the love

831
00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:37,880
Speaker 4: section and how to use the let them theory to

832
00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:43,359
Speaker 4: really choose and create the best love story of your

833
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:45,560
Speaker 4: life and the best loving relationships of your life. And

834
00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,200
Speaker 4: so we get to the part like we go through

835
00:43:47,239 --> 00:43:50,680
Speaker 4: like the early stages and situationships and then how to

836
00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:52,160
Speaker 4: take it to the next level, and then how to

837
00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:54,200
Speaker 4: decide is this the right person or is this not

838
00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:54,840
Speaker 4: my person?

839
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:57,239
Speaker 3: And then we get to the section on.

840
00:43:57,239 --> 00:44:02,840
Speaker 4: Heartbreak, and I kid you not, twenty four hours into

841
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:08,200
Speaker 4: writing this section, her boyfriend, who she thought was going

842
00:44:08,239 --> 00:44:11,120
Speaker 4: to be the end of the aisle, broke up with her.

843
00:44:12,239 --> 00:44:13,640
Speaker 3: Wow, and she.

844
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:20,080
Speaker 4: Was like, this is the stupidest advice I've ever And

845
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:22,719
Speaker 4: she was in a heap, crying on the floor and

846
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:26,160
Speaker 4: in a dispressive state. And of course when it happens,

847
00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:28,319
Speaker 4: because he was like part of our families, like in

848
00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:30,120
Speaker 4: the digital frame and now I'm like having to.

849
00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:31,920
Speaker 3: Hit Paul's oh god, yeah.

850
00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:34,760
Speaker 4: Frame, and now he and his mother and I are texting,

851
00:44:34,760 --> 00:44:35,880
Speaker 4: and I know it's a boundary.

852
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:37,840
Speaker 3: I can't believe this, you know, like yeah.

853
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:45,799
Speaker 4: And so it was the most extraordinary gift of an experience, Yeah, yeah,

854
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:49,640
Speaker 4: because we wrote that section of the book while she

855
00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:52,920
Speaker 4: was processing the biggest heartbreak of.

856
00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:55,320
Speaker 3: Her entire life in real time.

857
00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:59,839
Speaker 4: And when you say let them, let them walk out

858
00:44:59,840 --> 00:45:02,719
Speaker 4: the door, let them move on, let them not love me,

859
00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:07,040
Speaker 4: let them not want a commitment, doesn't take the pain away.

860
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:10,920
Speaker 3: It helps you recognize.

861
00:45:09,680 --> 00:45:17,640
Speaker 4: That that chapter of your life is actually over. And

862
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:23,080
Speaker 4: the advice is incredible because you're gonna.

863
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:25,080
Speaker 3: Say let them, let them, let them, let them, let them.

864
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:28,279
Speaker 4: And the only advice that's out there about heartbreak is like.

865
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:31,520
Speaker 3: Well me cown a revenge diet.

866
00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:35,040
Speaker 4: Get like, and you don't love yourself, you can hate

867
00:45:35,040 --> 00:45:38,600
Speaker 4: yourself like you actually think you're unlovable. You think that

868
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:40,960
Speaker 4: you're never going to find love again. You don't think

869
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:43,360
Speaker 4: you're attractive. You feel rejected.

870
00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:44,880
Speaker 5: Aren't You're getting picked?

871
00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:48,120
Speaker 4: Yes, exactly, And so you are supposed to be in

872
00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:51,680
Speaker 4: a depressive state. This is why you've got to like,

873
00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:55,120
Speaker 4: if somebody in your life is going through this, they're grieving,

874
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:58,600
Speaker 4: They're grieving the loss of the life they thought they

875
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:01,160
Speaker 4: were going to have. And then the book goes even

876
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:05,640
Speaker 4: deeper because I'd never thought about heartbreaks this way. Heartbreaks

877
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:09,840
Speaker 4: hurt so badly because you're not just grieving the life

878
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:11,720
Speaker 4: that you thought you were going to have, You're actually

879
00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:16,960
Speaker 4: having to unlearned life with a person. You are going

880
00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:21,160
Speaker 4: through detox in your nervous system, in your brain because

881
00:46:21,280 --> 00:46:26,359
Speaker 4: your nervous system and brain has actually created patterns in

882
00:46:26,400 --> 00:46:29,960
Speaker 4: your body because you've spent years with this person, and

883
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:32,880
Speaker 4: so you hear their voice, you sense their presence, and

884
00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:35,319
Speaker 4: the mistake that we make, especially in the early days,

885
00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:36,799
Speaker 4: You're like, that must mean they miss me, that must

886
00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:40,319
Speaker 4: mean they're mind. No, it means your nervous system is

887
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:44,359
Speaker 4: actually having to break patterns them. And so the recommendation,

888
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:47,919
Speaker 4: which you know, my daughter and I did a whole

889
00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:50,719
Speaker 4: podcast episode about this too, and we've received more write

890
00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:53,960
Speaker 4: ends about this episode where she walked through the process

891
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:57,360
Speaker 4: that our therapist said she should go through, which is

892
00:46:57,400 --> 00:47:03,280
Speaker 4: first of all, when you when it happens, allow yourself

893
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:04,399
Speaker 4: to be in a depressive state.

894
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:07,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you have to go.

895
00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:13,960
Speaker 4: Through a thirty day no contact, no photos, no voice memos,

896
00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:21,239
Speaker 4: no videos, no reminders, detox because you have to because anytime,

897
00:47:21,280 --> 00:47:27,839
Speaker 4: because you're going through this experience in your body where

898
00:47:27,880 --> 00:47:31,360
Speaker 4: your brain is actually breaking apart hearing the patterns of

899
00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:34,840
Speaker 4: their voice. You're going through an experience of your body,

900
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:37,640
Speaker 4: of your nervous system sensing the presence in your bed.

901
00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:40,040
Speaker 3: And this is normal.

902
00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:43,080
Speaker 4: And so if you look at a voice memo or

903
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:45,359
Speaker 4: you check their location, guess what you just did. It's

904
00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:48,040
Speaker 4: like an It's like somebody who's sober taking a drink. Yeah,

905
00:47:48,080 --> 00:47:51,120
Speaker 4: you literally just activated all those old pathways. So somebody

906
00:47:51,120 --> 00:47:53,560
Speaker 4: that you know, that girlfriend that can't get over somebody,

907
00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:57,200
Speaker 4: it's they've never taken a thirty day break. They still

908
00:47:57,239 --> 00:48:00,239
Speaker 4: see the photos, they still cut, so they keep this

909
00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:02,960
Speaker 4: old circuitry alive in their body.

910
00:48:02,760 --> 00:48:04,440
Speaker 3: Which is so much harder to do.

911
00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:07,680
Speaker 4: Yes, this is why it's even more critical, because you're

912
00:48:07,719 --> 00:48:10,120
Speaker 4: actually keeping this alive.

913
00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:14,520
Speaker 3: Yes, and they fucking left. The worst thing that you

914
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,200
Speaker 3: could do is be with somebody. Yeah when you don't

915
00:48:17,239 --> 00:48:17,959
Speaker 3: want to be with them.

916
00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:18,279
Speaker 1: I know.

917
00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:22,799
Speaker 2: Okay, so she did this yes, and what was it

918
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:24,040
Speaker 2: like after the thirty days?

919
00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:27,359
Speaker 4: So after she's she's adorable because after the thirty days,

920
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:33,799
Speaker 4: she was like, okay, I can call him now. Oh god, yes, yes,

921
00:48:34,280 --> 00:48:35,720
Speaker 4: Well she's like, we're honest.

922
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:37,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, of.

923
00:48:37,200 --> 00:48:38,879
Speaker 3: Course, Well no she's not.

924
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:44,560
Speaker 4: I'm saying she thinks she said that literally even hearing

925
00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:48,120
Speaker 4: the voice, Yeah, just flooded the body.

926
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:49,960
Speaker 2: So day thirty one she called her.

927
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:54,080
Speaker 4: Of course, she said, I was able to actually have

928
00:48:54,120 --> 00:49:03,080
Speaker 4: a conversation, like any chance, and clearly there wasn't okay,

929
00:49:03,400 --> 00:49:07,799
Speaker 4: and it didn't hurt as much as it would have. Yeah,

930
00:49:08,200 --> 00:49:11,560
Speaker 4: and she was also able to go, Okay.

931
00:49:11,920 --> 00:49:12,640
Speaker 3: I gotta move on.

932
00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:18,960
Speaker 4: And without that, what would have happened is what happened

933
00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:21,200
Speaker 4: in like every relationship so many of us have, as

934
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:24,960
Speaker 4: we hold on for so long, Yes, because we're keeping

935
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:29,319
Speaker 4: them alive, like just literally replaying all the things. And

936
00:49:29,400 --> 00:49:31,480
Speaker 4: so you know, there's a couple of recommendations, which is

937
00:49:31,640 --> 00:49:33,279
Speaker 4: you're gonna say, let them, let them, let them, let them,

938
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:37,120
Speaker 4: let them, let them, love them, to just detach, detached, detached, detached.

939
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:42,040
Speaker 4: You should absolutely remove any anything that triggers a memory

940
00:49:42,080 --> 00:49:43,719
Speaker 4: of them. For those thirty days, you'd have to burn

941
00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:45,640
Speaker 4: it or do anything stupid or dramatic. Just put it

942
00:49:45,640 --> 00:49:47,680
Speaker 4: in a box, get it out of site. You Like,

943
00:49:47,719 --> 00:49:52,080
Speaker 4: I literally was pausing the photos in the frame and

944
00:49:52,120 --> 00:49:53,600
Speaker 4: I'm pausing like maybe we'll come back.

945
00:49:53,640 --> 00:49:55,360
Speaker 3: Okay, this would be great, Like I'm hold on, let them,

946
00:49:55,440 --> 00:49:56,400
Speaker 3: let them, let them.

947
00:49:56,680 --> 00:49:59,719
Speaker 4: And then the other thing is is that I it

948
00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:02,279
Speaker 4: was a huge breakthrough for us because I am such

949
00:50:02,320 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 4: a fixer.

950
00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:04,240
Speaker 3: I wanted to take her paint.

951
00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:08,600
Speaker 4: Away and I just had to let her be depressed.

952
00:50:09,560 --> 00:50:12,640
Speaker 4: So let her where her pajamasy is. Let her collapse

953
00:50:12,640 --> 00:50:16,720
Speaker 4: on the floor and cry. Let her have that experience,

954
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:20,440
Speaker 4: because that's how she's going to move through it. And

955
00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:22,960
Speaker 4: if I let her cry and I just you know,

956
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:27,520
Speaker 4: put my arms around her, say nothing, I'm actually communicating

957
00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:30,680
Speaker 4: to her, I believe you can move through this even.

958
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:32,040
Speaker 3: Though it sucks. And so.

959
00:50:33,840 --> 00:50:35,960
Speaker 4: These are And another really important thing to do is

960
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:38,279
Speaker 4: give your bedroom a small makeover because you spend a

961
00:50:38,320 --> 00:50:40,160
Speaker 4: lot of time there. And by small maker, I mean

962
00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:42,480
Speaker 4: you can move your bed to a different wall, you

963
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:46,040
Speaker 4: can put a different comforter on. You can you know,

964
00:50:46,239 --> 00:50:49,080
Speaker 4: fluff up the pillows or get some cheap throw pillows somewhere,

965
00:50:49,080 --> 00:50:54,200
Speaker 4: like change it up, paint a wall as a visual

966
00:50:54,360 --> 00:51:00,200
Speaker 4: reminder that something new has begun, and the other There

967
00:51:00,200 --> 00:51:02,520
Speaker 4: are some other recommendations too, But you know, the research

968
00:51:02,600 --> 00:51:06,320
Speaker 4: is also helpful here because the research says that after

969
00:51:06,440 --> 00:51:10,040
Speaker 4: about eleven weeks, seventy.

970
00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:11,120
Speaker 3: Percent of people start to feel better.

971
00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:20,640
Speaker 4: Why because time away helps you accept reality. But what

972
00:51:20,680 --> 00:51:24,239
Speaker 4: you do with that time matters. And so this third,

973
00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:27,000
Speaker 4: if you have if you're not over your ex, I

974
00:51:27,040 --> 00:51:29,879
Speaker 4: guarantee you you've never gone thirty days without checking their

975
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,960
Speaker 4: location or watching a video or looking at their social

976
00:51:33,600 --> 00:51:36,480
Speaker 4: And that's and you're the one keeping them alive. You're

977
00:51:36,560 --> 00:51:41,560
Speaker 4: still living in a chapter of your life that's over. Yeah,

978
00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:46,560
Speaker 4: that's not that person's fault, it's yours. I believe that

979
00:51:47,520 --> 00:51:50,160
Speaker 4: everyone can do this, absolutely.

980
00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:50,239
Speaker 5: And I.

981
00:51:51,920 --> 00:51:55,000
Speaker 1: So have loved hearing you say all this in person,

982
00:51:55,040 --> 00:51:57,160
Speaker 1: even though, like I said, I've actually heard it three

983
00:51:57,160 --> 00:51:58,120
Speaker 1: times and I hear.

984
00:51:58,080 --> 00:52:00,200
Speaker 5: God keep listening to it. I would like to say

985
00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:01,000
Speaker 5: also that.

986
00:52:02,600 --> 00:52:05,839
Speaker 1: To encapsulate how contagious let them theory is.

987
00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:08,239
Speaker 5: I spoke about it a little bit. My daughter and

988
00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:08,959
Speaker 5: I went on a trip.

989
00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:09,640
Speaker 3: We had car time.

990
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:11,640
Speaker 1: We're talking and she's asking what I'm reading. I'm not

991
00:52:11,719 --> 00:52:13,839
Speaker 1: asking her what she's reading, and we.

992
00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:14,440
Speaker 5: Talked about it.

993
00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:20,680
Speaker 1: I just gave her like the elevator version. And I

994
00:52:20,719 --> 00:52:22,279
Speaker 1: hear her later we're in a hotel room. I'm in

995
00:52:22,320 --> 00:52:25,120
Speaker 1: the bathroom and she's on the phone with a friend

996
00:52:25,160 --> 00:52:27,279
Speaker 1: who's They put them all on speaker, and the friend

997
00:52:27,320 --> 00:52:29,719
Speaker 1: is saying how poorly she was treated by another friend.

998
00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:34,480
Speaker 1: And she's listening, and Eve is very compassionate, and just

999
00:52:34,719 --> 00:52:37,439
Speaker 1: that she's listening. She's listening, and I'm putting on makeup.

1000
00:52:37,440 --> 00:52:38,759
Speaker 1: I don't know what I'm doing, and all of a

1001
00:52:38,760 --> 00:52:44,280
Speaker 1: sudden I hear her say, you know what, let them yeah,

1002
00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:51,000
Speaker 1: And I was like mid eyelash stroke, like what I

1003
00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:53,360
Speaker 1: was like, And of course I go to listen.

1004
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:57,520
Speaker 5: And she used it perfectly.

1005
00:52:58,040 --> 00:53:00,319
Speaker 1: The friend hadn't been invited to go to bride, and

1006
00:53:00,360 --> 00:53:01,760
Speaker 1: she said, let them go to brunch.

1007
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:04,319
Speaker 3: They don't get to be with you. Let them go

1008
00:53:04,360 --> 00:53:04,720
Speaker 3: to brunch.

1009
00:53:04,719 --> 00:53:07,200
Speaker 1: Why don't you go for But it was just it

1010
00:53:07,239 --> 00:53:10,880
Speaker 1: was so it was fluid, and it was supportive, and

1011
00:53:10,920 --> 00:53:15,120
Speaker 1: it wasn't denying anyone their experiences of there are horrible

1012
00:53:15,160 --> 00:53:16,239
Speaker 1: people in the world.

1013
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:17,920
Speaker 3: And sadly a lot of them have a lot of power,

1014
00:53:18,280 --> 00:53:18,640
Speaker 3: and they.

1015
00:53:18,520 --> 00:53:21,120
Speaker 1: Have power we think they have power over us, but

1016
00:53:21,520 --> 00:53:23,960
Speaker 1: this is an incredible tool and I'm so grateful to

1017
00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:25,840
Speaker 1: have it out in the world. Yeah, so thank you

1018
00:53:25,880 --> 00:53:26,560
Speaker 1: for being with us.

1019
00:53:26,600 --> 00:53:28,600
Speaker 2: Thank you, and for anybody we had to let them

1020
00:53:28,640 --> 00:53:31,439
Speaker 2: theory book that you can order.

1021
00:53:31,560 --> 00:53:35,920
Speaker 3: I think she even signed. When well she's signed, you're.

1022
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:42,879
Speaker 2: Gonna thout her and thank you so much. We have

1023
00:53:43,960 --> 00:53:48,120
Speaker 2: so many generations of listeners and everything. You covered so

1024
00:53:48,320 --> 00:53:51,640
Speaker 2: much in just the time that we had, and I

1025
00:53:51,719 --> 00:53:53,760
Speaker 2: just know that it's going to be so helpful for

1026
00:53:53,920 --> 00:53:57,200
Speaker 2: me everybody listening, and so yeah, we just want to

1027
00:53:57,200 --> 00:54:00,640
Speaker 2: thank you so much. That's really gift, it really is. Yeah,

1028
00:54:00,640 --> 00:54:01,680
Speaker 2: thank you, thank.

1029
00:54:01,520 --> 00:54:03,520
Speaker 4: You for inviting me here, thank you for reading the book.

1030
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:07,120
Speaker 4: I'm just excited that that so many people are excited

1031
00:54:07,120 --> 00:54:12,640
Speaker 4: about a book that is helping you improve your life.

1032
00:54:12,680 --> 00:54:16,279
Speaker 4: You know, I'm a huge fantasy reader, love fantasy, and

1033
00:54:16,360 --> 00:54:19,640
Speaker 4: so I understand when like books take off in fantasy.

1034
00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:23,160
Speaker 4: But it's amazing to see a book that isn't about

1035
00:54:23,280 --> 00:54:26,320
Speaker 4: escaping your life into an alternate universe. It's about actually

1036
00:54:26,360 --> 00:54:30,000
Speaker 4: turning back into your life, yes, and tapping into the

1037
00:54:30,040 --> 00:54:32,720
Speaker 4: power that you have. And you know you were saying,

1038
00:54:33,280 --> 00:54:36,760
Speaker 4: we're both saying very very kind things to me about

1039
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:39,560
Speaker 4: you know, the difference that I'm making. But I think

1040
00:54:39,880 --> 00:54:41,480
Speaker 4: this is the way that I see it because I

1041
00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:45,120
Speaker 4: just view myself as your friend that hast up a lot,

1042
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:47,759
Speaker 4: and I feel like we're all on this kind of

1043
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:51,520
Speaker 4: walk on life together, Like we're all on the road together,

1044
00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:53,080
Speaker 4: and there are times in life where you're going to

1045
00:54:53,080 --> 00:54:55,399
Speaker 4: be a couple steps ahead of me. There are times

1046
00:54:55,440 --> 00:54:57,080
Speaker 4: where I'm going to be a couple steps ahead of you.

1047
00:54:57,800 --> 00:55:01,400
Speaker 4: And if you open up your heart, you can actually

1048
00:55:01,520 --> 00:55:04,400
Speaker 4: learn from anybody. And I think your best equipped to

1049
00:55:04,400 --> 00:55:07,960
Speaker 4: help the person you used to be. And so to me,

1050
00:55:09,200 --> 00:55:14,480
Speaker 4: the reason why this resonates is because I'm just reminding

1051
00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:19,120
Speaker 4: you of something that you know to be true about you. Yes,

1052
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:23,759
Speaker 4: like I'm actually slowing you down and reminding you that

1053
00:55:23,840 --> 00:55:27,720
Speaker 4: you do have power. I'm reminding you that the things

1054
00:55:27,760 --> 00:55:32,279
Speaker 4: that we tend to overlook actually do matter. How you

1055
00:55:32,320 --> 00:55:37,440
Speaker 4: talk to yourself, like the friendships, like your family, like

1056
00:55:37,560 --> 00:55:40,560
Speaker 4: these things actually matter, and that your time and that

1057
00:55:40,640 --> 00:55:44,279
Speaker 4: your energy is valuable, but it's only going to be

1058
00:55:44,360 --> 00:55:48,960
Speaker 4: valuable if you protect it right, And this is helping

1059
00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:52,440
Speaker 4: you do it, amen, And then yeah.

1060
00:55:52,280 --> 00:55:54,960
Speaker 2: For sure, my goodness, absolutely.

1061
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:58,120
Speaker 6: That yes yes, yes, yes, yes yes yes all right,

1062
00:55:58,200 --> 00:55:58,600
Speaker 6: so much.

1063
00:55:58,560 --> 00:56:00,920
Speaker 3: To digest, So this is part of the episode.

1064
00:56:00,960 --> 00:56:04,080
Speaker 1: We're sadly the saddest time I've ever had to say this.

1065
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:09,480
Speaker 3: Let's call it the end of the episode. That's such

1066
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:10,040
Speaker 3: a cute ending