1 00:00:01,639 --> 00:00:04,320 Speaker 1: There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which 2 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,680 Speaker 1: is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more 3 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:11,240 Speaker 1: present and self aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss 4 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to 5 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,119 Speaker 1: actually be mindful in your day to day life. That's 6 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:19,919 Speaker 1: where Calm comes in. I've been working with Calm for 7 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,640 Speaker 1: a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness 8 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:25,479 Speaker 1: fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to 9 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:29,560 Speaker 1: help you build positive habits, shift yourself talk, reframe your 10 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: negative thoughts, and generally feel better in your daily life. 11 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,479 Speaker 1: So many incredible options from the most knowledgeable experts in 12 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,520 Speaker 1: the world, along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,479 Speaker 1: check out my seven minute daily series to help you 14 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 1: live more mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners 15 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,680 Speaker 1: of On Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to 16 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:54,560 Speaker 1: Calmpremium at Calm dot com Forward slash j that's Calm 17 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,880 Speaker 1: dot com forward slash jay for forty percent off Calm 18 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:03,200 Speaker 1: your Mind, Change life. Procrastination can be a form of 19 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:08,240 Speaker 1: self sabotage and a source of self undoing. For example, 20 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 1: it shows up regularly in people who are working one 21 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:16,960 Speaker 1: job but harbor a secret, unfulfilled fantasy of doing something else. 22 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,720 Speaker 1: Maybe their dream is to become a performer or a writer, 23 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,480 Speaker 1: or maybe they've always wanted to learn to play the piano, 24 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:29,720 Speaker 1: or run a full marathon or hike. They spend hours, days, weeks, 25 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:34,000 Speaker 1: and years dreaming about this future self and imagining how 26 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:37,720 Speaker 1: fulfilling and rich their lives will become once they finally 27 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:43,280 Speaker 1: make their move someday, they think. But if you're a procrastinator, 28 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:47,280 Speaker 1: it never happens, and the excuses they come up with 29 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 1: to explain why very likely have nothing to do with 30 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:54,640 Speaker 1: the real reason, which, in nine cases out of ten, 31 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 1: can be traced back to experiences they had and the 32 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 1: patterning that was in printed in their early childhood. The 33 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:11,800 Speaker 1: number one health and wellness podcast Jay Sety Jay Setty, Hey, everyone, 34 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,639 Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. I'm so grateful that you're 35 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: here spending your next few minutes with me, whether you're 36 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,520 Speaker 1: on a walk, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're cooking, 37 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:26,640 Speaker 1: whether you're driving, whether you're cleaning, whatever you're up to. 38 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 1: Thanks for tuning in with me right now. And I'm 39 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,919 Speaker 1: so glad that we're living at a time where mental 40 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:38,160 Speaker 1: health has taken center stage and where more of us 41 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:42,560 Speaker 1: than ever before are familiar with the ideas and concepts 42 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,040 Speaker 1: around mental health. I believe that on Purpose has been 43 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,799 Speaker 1: a significant part of doing that because of you. You've 44 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 1: helped spread on purpose, spread this message so that so 45 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:58,400 Speaker 1: many people feel seen, feel heard, feel understood. And I 46 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,880 Speaker 1: couldn't thank you enough for all of use, for sharing 47 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:05,079 Speaker 1: the episodes with friends, the cutdowns on TikTok and Instagram. 48 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:10,079 Speaker 1: It's amazing, keep them coming. Today's episode is about the 49 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:14,600 Speaker 1: four ways we self sabotage ourselves and the three ways 50 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:19,680 Speaker 1: we can overcome those instincts and impulses that run counter 51 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:23,920 Speaker 1: to our own success and happiness. While we may not 52 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:27,799 Speaker 1: be familiar with self sabotage, most of us know what 53 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:33,040 Speaker 1: sabotage means. We've all seen films or television shows where 54 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:37,760 Speaker 1: one person sabotage is another, whether it's a coworker who 55 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,840 Speaker 1: steals a colleague's report or a bride'smaid who sabotage is 56 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:46,200 Speaker 1: a friend's wedding by drinking too much and causing a scene. 57 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,440 Speaker 1: Outside of the movies, though it's surprisingly common at work 58 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,640 Speaker 1: as well. For example, you and your team may be 59 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,320 Speaker 1: engaged in a collaborative project, but a colleague decides to 60 00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:02,680 Speaker 1: withhold important information and his behavior ends up compromising everything 61 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 1: you've ever worked for. That's sabotage. But in this episode 62 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,800 Speaker 1: we're going to be focusing on the kind of sabotage 63 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:14,360 Speaker 1: that's aimed at ourselves. I define acts of self sabotage 64 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: as behaviors where we get in our own way, we 65 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:23,280 Speaker 1: trip ourselves up, We do or say things or act 66 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:27,359 Speaker 1: in ways that run counter to our own stated goals 67 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 1: and our own success. Behaviors where we're our worst enemy 68 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 1: and not even aware we are either. In fact, self 69 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:41,239 Speaker 1: sabotage can even be framed as acting in a passive 70 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:46,640 Speaker 1: aggressive way around ourselves because somewhere inside our own brains 71 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,440 Speaker 1: we don't want what we tell ourselves we want. Think 72 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,840 Speaker 1: about this for a second. There's this beautiful statement by 73 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,679 Speaker 1: Muhammad Ali. He said, it's not the mountain you're climbing, 74 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,839 Speaker 1: it's the pebble in your shoe. Right, this idea of 75 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,919 Speaker 1: what's tripping you up, what's getting caught in your shoe. 76 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,760 Speaker 1: I'm sure you all thinking about that recently as well, 77 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,760 Speaker 1: like what's blocking you? And sometimes we'll blame someone externally, 78 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,920 Speaker 1: sometimes we'll find someone else to take the responsibility will 79 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 1: shift accountability. But what is that? It's self sabotage. And 80 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,320 Speaker 1: some of you may even have become more familiar with 81 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 1: this idea and you're thinking to yourself, Jack, I keep 82 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,919 Speaker 1: doing this, I keep getting in my own way, but 83 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,279 Speaker 1: now I feel guilty about it, and now I feel 84 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:32,200 Speaker 1: shameful about it, and now I feel bad about it. 85 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,479 Speaker 1: And that's not the point of this episode. The point 86 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,359 Speaker 1: of this episode is not to make you feel worse 87 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,560 Speaker 1: about it. It's to help you deal with it and 88 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,760 Speaker 1: feel better about it. So what do I mean when 89 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,919 Speaker 1: I say passive aggressive? When we use that term about 90 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:49,279 Speaker 1: other people, it's usually in the context of, say, a 91 00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:53,359 Speaker 1: friend making a joking remark, except she delivers that remark 92 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,560 Speaker 1: in a tone of voice that's not especially friendly or 93 00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,120 Speaker 1: well meaning. Right, It's like when your partner's mad at you, 94 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,360 Speaker 1: but they want to try and pass it off as 95 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,000 Speaker 1: it's not that serious, but really it is that serious, 96 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,720 Speaker 1: Like maybe they're angry at you but they can't admit it, 97 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:13,039 Speaker 1: or more like they're not even aware of their own anger, 98 00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:19,160 Speaker 1: and instead of acknowledging it, sneaks out indirectly or passively 99 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,760 Speaker 1: in a way that communicates what they're feeling, but it's 100 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,560 Speaker 1: not honest enough right. It's like it's coming out in 101 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 1: a way where it's like, I hope you know what 102 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,240 Speaker 1: I mean, but I'm not gonna have the courage enough 103 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,840 Speaker 1: to say it. Or let's imagine that you and your 104 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,360 Speaker 1: partner just ended the night out with a big argument. 105 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,560 Speaker 1: Most couples take a certain amount of time to cool 106 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:43,400 Speaker 1: off before sitting down and doing the repair work necessary 107 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,719 Speaker 1: to ensure their relationship is back on good footing. But 108 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,000 Speaker 1: if your partner is passive aggressive, he or she will 109 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,599 Speaker 1: go out of their way to avoid resolving the argument. 110 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,239 Speaker 1: They might give you the silent treatment or stomp around 111 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:01,280 Speaker 1: the house and make a lot of noise to communicate 112 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:05,400 Speaker 1: that they're angry or their feelings have been hurt. What 113 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,000 Speaker 1: they won't do is tell you, which means you have 114 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 1: to read in between the lines and be the grown 115 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,200 Speaker 1: up you now all of a sudden, I have to 116 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,320 Speaker 1: become a mind reader. You have to be that person 117 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:18,320 Speaker 1: who understands what's not being said, and you kind of 118 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,240 Speaker 1: feel a bit of pressure for it. What's really interesting 119 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 1: is that self sabotage acts in a similar way, but 120 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 1: with an important difference. When a friend acts in a 121 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 1: passive aggressive manner, they're refusing or unable to acknowledge their feelings, 122 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 1: and as I said, sometimes they have no idea what 123 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:40,320 Speaker 1: those feelings are in the first place. This is why 124 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 1: I often frame acts of self sabotage as passive aggressive 125 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:48,640 Speaker 1: behavior that we show not to another person but to ourselves. 126 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:53,680 Speaker 1: Buried deep in our brain are feelings that, for whatever reason, 127 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:57,480 Speaker 1: we don't want to let out into the open. Feelings 128 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,880 Speaker 1: that usually go back to our childhoods, our relationship with 129 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 1: our parents or our siblings, and the attachments we developed 130 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,520 Speaker 1: or weren't able to develop with family members and friends. 131 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:13,320 Speaker 1: Years afterwards, we're still re enacting these models and dynamics 132 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,240 Speaker 1: in our behavior at work and with our friends and 133 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,560 Speaker 1: in our relationships, the problem being that most of the 134 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,000 Speaker 1: time with the last people to know about it. Another 135 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:26,680 Speaker 1: way to define self sabotage is behavior that runs counter 136 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:31,160 Speaker 1: to or even contradicts what we tell ourselves we want. 137 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,000 Speaker 1: Let me give you an example. On the morning you're 138 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,760 Speaker 1: scheduled to deliver an important presentation at work, you don't 139 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,080 Speaker 1: hear your alarm clock ring, and you oversleep. Instead of 140 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,200 Speaker 1: getting up early and rehearsing your presentation, as you've been 141 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,840 Speaker 1: planning to do all week. You roll out of bed 142 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:50,200 Speaker 1: in a panic, take a craze two minute shower, and 143 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 1: show up at work an hour late. By now, what's 144 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,960 Speaker 1: left of our nervous system is in tatters. When the 145 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,960 Speaker 1: time comes for you to deliver the presentation, you don't 146 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,280 Speaker 1: do as good as a job as you hoped. Your 147 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 1: voice is unsteady, the slides in your deck are out 148 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 1: of order, and you leave the room convinced you're going 149 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,440 Speaker 1: to be fired. Now, we all have days that don't 150 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,760 Speaker 1: go the way we want them to, but it's not 151 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 1: irrelevant to the topic of self sabotage to wonder what's 152 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 1: really going on with you. The answer could be any 153 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,160 Speaker 1: number of things. Maybe you hate your job or your 154 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,520 Speaker 1: boss and have been thinking about quitting for weeks, except 155 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:29,520 Speaker 1: you fear what your parents might say. So in this case, 156 00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:32,600 Speaker 1: by showing up late and being unprepared, you've set up 157 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,760 Speaker 1: your boss to be disappointed in you and possibly lay 158 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 1: you off. In essence, what is going on is that, 159 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:42,320 Speaker 1: since you can't acknowledge your own ambivalence at work, you 160 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,680 Speaker 1: end up blowing up your own career. Can you relate 161 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:47,960 Speaker 1: to that like maybe not exactly like that, but I 162 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:52,080 Speaker 1: hope that resonates. Here's another example. Imagine you're in a 163 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:56,360 Speaker 1: relationship that from every category you can check off, is ideal. 164 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,880 Speaker 1: The two of you get along fantastically well. You have 165 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,679 Speaker 1: the same tastes in food and music and film and 166 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 1: TV shows, your families get along, they have things in common, 167 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,520 Speaker 1: and you feel you could spend the rest of your 168 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:13,439 Speaker 1: life with this person. At least that's what you tell yourself. 169 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,040 Speaker 1: So why, even though you feel you've found the person 170 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,200 Speaker 1: you want to spend the rest of your life with, 171 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:23,440 Speaker 1: have you begun acting so cold and withdrawn to the 172 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:26,960 Speaker 1: point where your partner becomes so frustrated they decide to 173 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:31,800 Speaker 1: break things off with you. Maybe, just maybe, the truth 174 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,679 Speaker 1: of the matter is that you fear intimacy and you 175 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:38,200 Speaker 1: don't know it. Maybe you were burned before or multiple 176 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:42,280 Speaker 1: times before, and your detachment and indifference is nothing more 177 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: than a defense mechanism, maybe without being aware of if 178 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:50,719 Speaker 1: you learn from your parents' relationship or somewhere else that 179 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:54,679 Speaker 1: people close to you can't be trusted, so outcomes an 180 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:59,080 Speaker 1: act of self sabotage, in this case, emotional withdrawal, and 181 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,280 Speaker 1: from that point on and you tell yourself that you're 182 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,800 Speaker 1: terrible at relationships and how it's never your fault but 183 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:08,560 Speaker 1: always the fault of the other person that self sabotage. 184 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 1: You're probably wondering what's going on in the brain that 185 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 1: leads to self sabotage. Well, remember that the brain has 186 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,360 Speaker 1: one mission, which is to keep us alive and imbalance. 187 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,720 Speaker 1: In that guise, it's focused on steering us away from 188 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:26,439 Speaker 1: threats while simultaneously motivating us with the promise of future rewards. 189 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,280 Speaker 1: Self sabotage typically comes about when these two desires get 190 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:34,960 Speaker 1: confused and blurry. Think of it as an ongoing war 191 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:40,520 Speaker 1: between dopamine and other brain regions that include the hypothalamus, amygdala, 192 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:44,760 Speaker 1: and the prefrontal cortex. To use our early example, let's 193 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,680 Speaker 1: imagine that on the surface, at least, you tell yourself 194 00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:50,360 Speaker 1: you want to accel at work. There's no reason not 195 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,199 Speaker 1: to believe you either. You're eager to show your boss 196 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,920 Speaker 1: and your colleagues what you can do, and in response, 197 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:59,480 Speaker 1: your brain floods your system with dopamine. But other areas 198 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,520 Speaker 1: of your brain have something to say too. Hearing you 199 00:12:02,559 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 1: want to excel at work stresses your brain out, puts 200 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:09,760 Speaker 1: it on edge makes it fearful. The hypothalamus kicks off 201 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,800 Speaker 1: this stress response by sending a message to the pituitary gland, 202 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:18,199 Speaker 1: which in turn stimulates the adrenal glands, which release cortisol, 203 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:22,800 Speaker 1: the stress hormone. Your breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure 204 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,480 Speaker 1: all shoot up more and more blood sugar is pumped 205 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,880 Speaker 1: into your bloodstream to give you energy for what's ahead. Basically, 206 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,800 Speaker 1: what's happening is that the reward and threat centers of 207 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,920 Speaker 1: your brain are at war with each other. They're being 208 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:41,160 Speaker 1: given contradictory messages, but the problem is you can't admit it. 209 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,400 Speaker 1: Remember that the brain is always acting in our own 210 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,760 Speaker 1: best interest. Its mission at the end of every day 211 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: is to protect us. The reward seeking part of your 212 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,560 Speaker 1: brain may be saying I want to succeed at work, 213 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 1: but the regions of the brain that predict potential threats 214 00:12:57,559 --> 00:13:00,760 Speaker 1: respond by saying, do I really? Then? Why do I 215 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,040 Speaker 1: feel so angry? Why am I holding back? In its 216 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,760 Speaker 1: chemical way, Our brains are like friends through thick and thin, 217 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:12,079 Speaker 1: who know us better than we know ourselves. Here's another example. 218 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,800 Speaker 1: You might be someone who has always wanted to follow 219 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:18,040 Speaker 1: their passion, but keep putting it off. This is because 220 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,920 Speaker 1: your brain is busy predicting how you would feel if 221 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:26,040 Speaker 1: you pursued that dream but came up short. In other words, 222 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:29,120 Speaker 1: your brain is trying to protect you from emotions it 223 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:34,319 Speaker 1: knows are painful for you to feel future embarrassment, future disappointment, 224 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:39,400 Speaker 1: future pain. This is the essence of self sabotage, the 225 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,520 Speaker 1: brain knowing things we don't or that we don't want 226 00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: to admit to ourselves, which in turn obliges us to 227 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:51,160 Speaker 1: act cross purposes with ourselves. Self sabotage isn't a cause 228 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,120 Speaker 1: or a source of anything. It's a symptom of a 229 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:57,400 Speaker 1: feeling or a dynamic that we're usually not aware of. 230 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,200 Speaker 1: When we act in a self sabotaging way, we almost 231 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:05,720 Speaker 1: never do it consciously, otherwise we would probably stop ourselves 232 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: unless we've been seeing a therapist for a long time. Really, 233 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:12,600 Speaker 1: do we have access to the original feeling or model 234 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,680 Speaker 1: that leads us to act in ways that run counter 235 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:20,640 Speaker 1: to our own interests and ambitions. Self sabotage has many faces, 236 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:23,120 Speaker 1: but here are the top four ways we do it 237 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,040 Speaker 1: so you can use this as a checklist to understand. 238 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,800 Speaker 1: The first way is chronic lateness. Here I'm not talking 239 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,200 Speaker 1: about those times when we're stuck in traffic, or when 240 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,400 Speaker 1: we realize the clock in our car doesn't match the 241 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,320 Speaker 1: time on our phones, and we arrive twenty minutes later 242 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,840 Speaker 1: for a doctor's appointment or a meeting with a friend. 243 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,400 Speaker 1: I'm talking about the habit of lateness, lateness that happens 244 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 1: so often and predictably that it's your middle name, the 245 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:53,120 Speaker 1: trait most closely associated with you. If someone tells you 246 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,960 Speaker 1: that lunch starts at one o'clock sharp, you don't show 247 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,840 Speaker 1: up till one fifteen, one point thirty or even later. 248 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 1: You always have a good reason too. Your car is 249 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,680 Speaker 1: low on gas, you can find your keys, the dog 250 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,120 Speaker 1: needed to be let out, a phone call came in 251 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:10,320 Speaker 1: that you had to take. Whatever the reason, it's always something. 252 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,520 Speaker 1: Now most of us who are late apologize for holding 253 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:17,920 Speaker 1: everyone else up, and after that things are fine. It's 254 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,360 Speaker 1: not a big deal. You might even be someone with 255 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:24,640 Speaker 1: a genuinely flaky relationship with time and scheduling, someone who 256 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,320 Speaker 1: has trouble predicting how long it takes to get somewhere 257 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,240 Speaker 1: or get something done. But consider what your chronic lateness 258 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:35,400 Speaker 1: communicates to your friends and work colleagues. It reduces the 259 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,920 Speaker 1: trust they have in you. It means you can't be 260 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:41,400 Speaker 1: trusted to keep your word or be relied upon. Those 261 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,600 Speaker 1: are the real world effects your chronic lateness has on 262 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:48,720 Speaker 1: other people. But considering that this episode is about self sabotage, 263 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,800 Speaker 1: what are some of the underlying reasons that drive the 264 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:55,440 Speaker 1: behavior of someone who's never on time. You could be 265 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,880 Speaker 1: someone who secretly believes the rules that apply to other 266 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,000 Speaker 1: people don't apply to you. Maybe you're on the outs 267 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,280 Speaker 1: with your friends but don't have the heart, the time, 268 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,520 Speaker 1: or the patience to find another friend group. Maybe you're 269 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:10,760 Speaker 1: secretly a diva who knows that by always showing up late, 270 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,640 Speaker 1: you can make a grand entrance with everyone's eyes on 271 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:17,400 Speaker 1: you and everyone whispering about that you're finally here. Whatever 272 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,520 Speaker 1: the unconscious motive is, it ends up doing you far 273 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:24,359 Speaker 1: more damage than good. A second way we self sabotage 274 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:29,080 Speaker 1: ourselves is procrastination. Procrastination, of course, means putting things off 275 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:32,560 Speaker 1: until the very last minute, or in some cases, never 276 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,480 Speaker 1: getting around to them at all. Like all the examples 277 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 1: of self sabotage in this episode, we've all been guilty 278 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:42,360 Speaker 1: at least once in our life. The problems always is 279 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:46,200 Speaker 1: when we take these actual behaviors to extremes. For example, 280 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:50,000 Speaker 1: I'm sure we've all had the experience in high school 281 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,240 Speaker 1: or college when we put off writing a paper. We 282 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,240 Speaker 1: were given a week to complete it, and every day 283 00:16:56,280 --> 00:17:00,280 Speaker 1: we told ourselves we would at least get started. As 284 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,520 Speaker 1: the week went on, we never did, at least not 285 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,080 Speaker 1: until the day before it was due, when we stayed 286 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,760 Speaker 1: up all night writing it and earned a not very 287 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 1: good grade from the teacher or the professor. Or maybe 288 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,760 Speaker 1: you were one of those people who always did well anyway. 289 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,320 Speaker 1: But when it becomes a habit or a routine, procrastination 290 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:23,040 Speaker 1: can be a form of self sabotage and a source 291 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:27,240 Speaker 1: of self undoing. For example, you might be someone who 292 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:30,239 Speaker 1: delays paying bills you know are due the first of 293 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: every month, but which you don't get around to addressing 294 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:36,639 Speaker 1: in time, which gets you into trouble with creditors and 295 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:41,600 Speaker 1: collection agencies. But where I see procrastination most often is 296 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:45,600 Speaker 1: in our own ambitions. It shows up regularly in people 297 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:50,080 Speaker 1: who are working one job but harbor a secret, unfulfilled 298 00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:54,000 Speaker 1: fantasy of doing something else. Maybe their dream is to 299 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,680 Speaker 1: become a performer or a writer, or maybe they've always 300 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,520 Speaker 1: wanted to learn to play the piano, or run a 301 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:05,040 Speaker 1: full marathon or hike. They spend hours, days, weeks, and 302 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:09,800 Speaker 1: years dreaming about this future self and imagining how fulfilling 303 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:13,160 Speaker 1: and rich their lives will become once they finally make 304 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 1: their move someday, they think. But if you're a procrastinator, 305 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,879 Speaker 1: it never happens for any number of reasons, and the 306 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 1: excuses they come up with to explain why very likely 307 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,399 Speaker 1: have nothing to do with the real reason, which, in 308 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,399 Speaker 1: nine cases out of ten, can be traced back to 309 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 1: experiences they had and the patterning that was imprinted in 310 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:42,800 Speaker 1: their early childhood. The fear of failure, for example, or 311 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:46,600 Speaker 1: its close cousin, the fear of success. What would it 312 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,960 Speaker 1: really mean to pursue and accomplish their dreams or their goals. 313 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,240 Speaker 1: It might mean doing better than your parents in a 314 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:56,560 Speaker 1: way that's shameful to acknowledge. Or maybe your mum or 315 00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:00,120 Speaker 1: dad had their own dreams they weren't able to pursue. 316 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:04,280 Speaker 1: By procrastinating and putting off what you want, you're protecting 317 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:09,240 Speaker 1: your parents and maintaining a familiar dynamic within your own family. 318 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,399 Speaker 1: It's an act of love that ends up damaging you. 319 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 1: I don't have enough time, you think, or I'm too old, 320 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,640 Speaker 1: or I have responsibilities to your partner and my family. 321 00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:23,119 Speaker 1: All of these things may be true, but it's not 322 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:27,560 Speaker 1: the real reason why you're procrastinating. By now, I hope 323 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,760 Speaker 1: you've become more aware of the conflict that arises in 324 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:34,639 Speaker 1: the brain when we self sabotage, and of the misalignment 325 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:38,159 Speaker 1: that happens when our conscious behavior is at odds with 326 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:43,160 Speaker 1: our own unconscious motives. All acts of self sabotage, remember, 327 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:47,240 Speaker 1: can be seen as defense mechanisms. They're the brain's way 328 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:51,200 Speaker 1: of protecting us from the stress and fear of confronting 329 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:56,199 Speaker 1: more difficult emotions. The third way we self sabotage ourselves 330 00:19:56,680 --> 00:20:00,680 Speaker 1: is by putting ourselves down. It's pretty easy to make 331 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:04,240 Speaker 1: fun of people who take themselves too seriously. There's even 332 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 1: an argument to be made that the TV show The 333 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,399 Speaker 1: Office gave rise to a new brand of humor that 334 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,600 Speaker 1: comes from knowing more about other people than they know 335 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:18,480 Speaker 1: about themselves. And make no mistake, self deprecating humor is 336 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,320 Speaker 1: a very attractive and humanizing quality to have. It not 337 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,040 Speaker 1: only shows you have a sense of humor about yourself 338 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 1: and your position in the world, it communicates that despite 339 00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:31,800 Speaker 1: the good things that are happening in your life, you're 340 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:35,960 Speaker 1: still the person you always work. But here I'm referring 341 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:40,800 Speaker 1: to the constant habit of denigrating yourself, whether by apologizing 342 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:45,359 Speaker 1: too much, showing excessive humility, or never stopping to acknowledge 343 00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:48,760 Speaker 1: the times you have a win in your column. Putting 344 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:52,480 Speaker 1: yourself down shows up in ways both obvious and not 345 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,800 Speaker 1: so obvious. Studies show that girls and women apologize more 346 00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,520 Speaker 1: than men do, and many girls say I'm sorry almost 347 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 1: as a reflex, But as well as showing kindness and consideration, 348 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:09,480 Speaker 1: the habit of overapologizing can risk coming across to others 349 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,440 Speaker 1: as insecure and self doubting, while at the same time 350 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:19,080 Speaker 1: undermining your own self esteem. Denigrating yourself is also very 351 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:22,359 Speaker 1: common in people who don't know how to receive compliments. 352 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,000 Speaker 1: I have a friend who is doing fantastically well in 353 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,879 Speaker 1: his career, but whenever I would point this out, he 354 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:31,040 Speaker 1: would always say something like, ah, I was just lucky 355 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,639 Speaker 1: or I was in the right place at the right time. 356 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,960 Speaker 1: But refusing to take credit for your own accomplishments can 357 00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 1: end up hurting you. In my friend's case, by refusing 358 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,760 Speaker 1: to acknowledge and appreciate his own success. He was effectively 359 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:50,600 Speaker 1: asking others to buttress and validate his accomplishments. He came 360 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:54,880 Speaker 1: across as insecure and unconfident, qualities I knew wouldn't serve 361 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,480 Speaker 1: him well in the future. As is true in all 362 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:01,440 Speaker 1: instances of self sabotage, the origin of our behavior vary, 363 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,520 Speaker 1: though it's safe to say they began when we were children. 364 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:08,840 Speaker 1: If you're constantly denigrating yourself, maybe you grew up around 365 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 1: a hypercritical parent and putting yourself down is a way 366 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:16,040 Speaker 1: of keeping that parent's voice close. Maybe, and this is 367 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:19,080 Speaker 1: a theme that keeps coming up with self sabotage. It 368 00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:22,480 Speaker 1: stems from lower than usual self esteem, where a long 369 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:25,600 Speaker 1: time ago someone gave us the impression that we weren't 370 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:29,840 Speaker 1: good enough, or smart enough, or deserving enough. If you're 371 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,720 Speaker 1: in the habit of putting yourself down, you might fear 372 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:37,120 Speaker 1: that the act of owning your success risks alienating friends 373 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,200 Speaker 1: who aren't at the same level as you. Or possibly 374 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,680 Speaker 1: you'd think that unless you put yourself down, someone else 375 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,720 Speaker 1: will jump in and do it for you. Studies show 376 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:51,040 Speaker 1: that while self deprecation is linked to improve overall psychological 377 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:54,880 Speaker 1: health in most people. As usual, the risk comes from 378 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 1: overdoing it and being seen as someone who lacks confidence 379 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:02,360 Speaker 1: and proficiency their work. So the next time you hear 380 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:06,040 Speaker 1: yourself saying I was just lucky or anyone could have 381 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:10,439 Speaker 1: done what I did, ask yourself, are my words serving me? 382 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:15,800 Speaker 1: Followed by or are my words protecting me? The fourth 383 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:19,080 Speaker 1: them final step of the ways we self sabotage ourselves 384 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:24,680 Speaker 1: is perfectionism. Perfectionism is a personality trait marked by sky 385 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:29,159 Speaker 1: high standards and expectations for yourself and everyone around you. 386 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:33,720 Speaker 1: If you're a perfectionist, you're no doubt averse to making mistakes, 387 00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:37,639 Speaker 1: and this is often accompanied by fear that unless you 388 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:41,879 Speaker 1: act or dress, or speak, or engage or produce in 389 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 1: any way other than what you deem to be perfect, 390 00:23:45,359 --> 00:23:50,200 Speaker 1: then you're opening up yourself to criticism, unhappiness, and feelings 391 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:54,720 Speaker 1: of failure. Perfectionism is another common way we self sabotage 392 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:59,680 Speaker 1: ourselves and psych ourselves out of attaining our potential. Perfection 393 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:08,919 Speaker 1: is blocks progress. Perfectionism blocks the process. Perfectionism can block 394 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:15,159 Speaker 1: you from unlocking your potential. Perfectionism has its healthy beneficial sides. 395 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:18,640 Speaker 1: It can be incredibly motivating for one thing and help 396 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,520 Speaker 1: you overcome challenges and accomplish what you're after. But what 397 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:27,440 Speaker 1: can make perfectionism unhealthy and even toxic is its capacity 398 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:31,120 Speaker 1: to paralyze us and keep us from going forward. Since 399 00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:34,400 Speaker 1: our greatest fear is what might happen if we make 400 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:38,760 Speaker 1: a mistake or a bad decision, of course, self sabotaging 401 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:43,080 Speaker 1: perfectionists can't admit this, and instead believe they have higher 402 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,679 Speaker 1: standards than other people and a vision no one else shares. 403 00:24:47,359 --> 00:24:50,600 Speaker 1: If you're a perfectionist, chances are good you revise and 404 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:54,880 Speaker 1: rework things constantly until you decide they match your impossible 405 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:58,679 Speaker 1: standards of perfection, only to discover the next day that 406 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,760 Speaker 1: the work you considered perfect twenty four hours earlier suddenly 407 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:06,320 Speaker 1: feels imperfect and in need of more work, which means 408 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:10,320 Speaker 1: you have to start all over again. Perfect and perfection 409 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:14,920 Speaker 1: are like the proverbial goalposts that refuse to stay put 410 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,840 Speaker 1: and that keep inching backward depending on what day of 411 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:23,080 Speaker 1: the week it is. Naturally, perfectionism can cause problems at 412 00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:26,280 Speaker 1: work and in your social and love life. It can 413 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:30,480 Speaker 1: also impair both your physical and mental health. Perfectionism goes 414 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:35,960 Speaker 1: hand in hand with depression, anxiety, eating disorders and eventually burnout. 415 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,520 Speaker 1: Since you're convinced that nothing you do and no one 416 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,880 Speaker 1: you know is perfect enough to match, never mind exceed, 417 00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:47,439 Speaker 1: your own high standards, this often leads to erratic friendships 418 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:52,119 Speaker 1: and relationships. There's nothing wrong with seeking excellence. The problem 419 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,960 Speaker 1: comes when we take it to extremes, When our own 420 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:59,080 Speaker 1: perfectionism ends up boxing us into a corner. We forget 421 00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:03,520 Speaker 1: that perfect as a concept is an abstract ideal, one 422 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:07,080 Speaker 1: that can change daily. When you lead your life expected 423 00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:10,160 Speaker 1: to be graded for everything you do, you're setting yourself 424 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:15,359 Speaker 1: up for disappointment, disillusion, and endless frustration. By now, we 425 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,760 Speaker 1: know that the reasons behind any act of self sabotage vary. 426 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:22,840 Speaker 1: Though the culprit is usually a relationship or imprint from 427 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:26,320 Speaker 1: long ago, it could be a fixed and internalized belief 428 00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:31,200 Speaker 1: about ourselves or an exaggerated need for control. Perfectionists of 429 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:34,680 Speaker 1: both these traits in spades, the downside being that their 430 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:40,199 Speaker 1: perfectionism leaves them more vulnerable than most people to anxiety, depression, 431 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:44,919 Speaker 1: and escapist habits like drinking, in drugs, Taking aim and 432 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:48,199 Speaker 1: shipping away at our own self sabotage means beginning to 433 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,760 Speaker 1: collaborate with our own brains, and that means delving deep 434 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,919 Speaker 1: into the root causes of whatever self sabotaging behavior is 435 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 1: creating problems in your daily life or getting in the 436 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,120 Speaker 1: way of things you hope to accomplish. Here are three 437 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,520 Speaker 1: ways to get closer to the roots of your own 438 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:09,720 Speaker 1: self sabotaging behavior. Step one in this journey is self compassion. 439 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,960 Speaker 1: This can be a tough one for self saboteurs to accept. 440 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:20,359 Speaker 1: By their very definition, procrastinators, perfectionists, chronically late, self deprecating 441 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:24,720 Speaker 1: people are already extremely hard on themselves. Many have grown 442 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:28,080 Speaker 1: impatient with their own behavior, and some even believe they're 443 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:32,200 Speaker 1: beyond repair. I'm terrible at love and relationships, they think, 444 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:36,160 Speaker 1: or I'm hopeless at work and will never amount to anything. 445 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,600 Speaker 1: But if you read between the lines, what they're really 446 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:43,800 Speaker 1: communicating is that their best behaviors are misaligned with what 447 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,479 Speaker 1: they really want and they don't know what to do 448 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:49,879 Speaker 1: about it. If someone tells you they're beyond fixing or 449 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,600 Speaker 1: they're given up, most of the time, they're doubling down 450 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:56,440 Speaker 1: on the original feeling or injury they experienced as children 451 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,679 Speaker 1: that they're now trying to avoid as adults. This is 452 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:03,320 Speaker 1: where self compassion comes in. Instead of telling yourself that 453 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:06,520 Speaker 1: it's too late, or you're never going to change, or 454 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:10,520 Speaker 1: something is wrong with you and unfixable, why not try 455 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:15,000 Speaker 1: to picture yourself as a little kid, a four foot tall, 456 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:19,159 Speaker 1: ninety five pound bundle of love and energy, who, in 457 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:23,679 Speaker 1: between discovering new things about the world, is also absorbing 458 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:31,080 Speaker 1: messages from parents, siblings, friends, extended family members, teachers and classmates. 459 00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:35,720 Speaker 1: A child new to the world whose feelings are easily hurt, 460 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:39,400 Speaker 1: and who is doing everything in their limited power to 461 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:44,520 Speaker 1: understand and defend themselves against a world that can sometimes 462 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:50,080 Speaker 1: seem overwhelming and unkind. Remember too, that they were born 463 00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:53,000 Speaker 1: with a brain whose job it is, on one hand 464 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:56,640 Speaker 1: to motivate them to seek rewards and on the other 465 00:28:57,080 --> 00:29:02,760 Speaker 1: to avoid stress, hurt, injury, and disappointment. Show your inner 466 00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:08,240 Speaker 1: child some compassion. Treat them with as much patience, empathy 467 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:13,080 Speaker 1: and understanding as you can in a way possibly you 468 00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:17,480 Speaker 1: wish someone had treated you back Then, as you start 469 00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:21,800 Speaker 1: pinpointing the possible reasons why you and your goals got misaligned, 470 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:25,160 Speaker 1: remember that your brain is on your side and the 471 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:28,160 Speaker 1: two of you need to work together, and then watch 472 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 1: is everything you've always wanted and I mean really wanted 473 00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:35,120 Speaker 1: starts making greater sense, and that by making peace with 474 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:38,800 Speaker 1: feelings you've spent a lifetime running away from, you're able 475 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:42,440 Speaker 1: to soar to levels you've always told yourself you wanted 476 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:46,760 Speaker 1: but never thought possible. Thanks for tuning in and listening. 477 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,080 Speaker 1: I'm always in your corner and forever rooting for you. 478 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,200 Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with 479 00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 1: Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to 480 00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:02,320 Speaker 1: heal emotional wound to stop moving on from the past. 481 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:05,440 Speaker 1: Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a 482 00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:07,920 Speaker 1: tree doesn't grow where it's hard and thick, does it. It 483 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,160 Speaker 1: goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.