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Speaker 1: H m hm h.

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Speaker 2: M hm m hm h m hmmm.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmmmm. Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm

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Speaker 1: Erica and I'm Nayla Wednesday, I think day.

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Speaker 2: I'm dying good. How are you? I'm good. I'm good,

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Speaker 2: you know, just uh that woke up today.

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Speaker 3: Bless my legs work, I uh doth alogies. My child is,

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Speaker 3: you know, riding growing lovey.

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Speaker 2: So I'm good. Same. Thank Today we have special guests.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we have the ladies of her Space, Terry and Dom.

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Speaker 2: Thank you guys for so Thank you guys so much

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Speaker 2: for coming on.

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Speaker 4: Of course, thank you for having us. We're excited.

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Speaker 5: Yes, wait to dive in.

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Speaker 2: Yes, you guys are up in the bay.

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Speaker 1: Right yep, calie gals, you guys are both from Oakland.

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Speaker 4: Well, I'm from Philly originally.

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Speaker 2: My family's from Philly too.

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Speaker 4: Okay, what party from Southwest?

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Speaker 2: Okay, I'm from Airport, West Philly. Okay, I got a

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Speaker 2: feeling West Philly girls. My grandmother is by the airport

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Speaker 2: now like Woodland.

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Speaker 4: Oh yeah, my.

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Speaker 2: Grandma's business on the internet.

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Speaker 3: No, let's tell our listeners a little bit about her

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Speaker 3: Space podcast and why you lady started your podcast and

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Speaker 3: you guys. I know, I know Dom, you are therapist,

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Speaker 3: and I'm assuming that's part of the inspiration behind it,

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Speaker 3: but I'd love to hear more about why you started it.

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Speaker 6: And yes, do you want me to tell our co

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Speaker 6: parenting story of our of our podcast.

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Speaker 5: Yes, please do please share that.

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Speaker 4: Experience with everyone.

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Speaker 6: Yes, So Dom and I often say that we are

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Speaker 6: co parents because, as you ladies know, podcasting is a

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Speaker 6: lot of work, but we love it. It's a labor

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Speaker 6: of love. And basically, we just met randomly a couple

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Speaker 6: of years ago at a conference and we were like,

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Speaker 6: we want to do something for black women, Like, we

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Speaker 6: just want to create a community for us where we

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Speaker 6: can just talk about the real shit that we go through, right,

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Speaker 6: because we need more spaces to just be. And so

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Speaker 6: we literally had no idea what we were doing. We

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Speaker 6: came up with this idea and started the her Space podcast.

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Speaker 6: And her is an acronym for healing, empowerment, and resilience,

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Speaker 6: And so Dom is our resident therapist, although you do

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Speaker 6: need to seek your own therapist. Of course, that's our

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Speaker 6: disclaimer that Don has taught me and I am the

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Speaker 6: techie and motivational speaker, and so we just bring our

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Speaker 6: stories and perspectives and amazing guests into this one space

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Speaker 6: to talk about everything from fibroids to fake friends and

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Speaker 6: just really create a healing space for black women. So

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Speaker 6: we hope that you feel good after you close.

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Speaker 2: Out of one A Brave So for sure, for sure.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I think it's so important to have a

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Speaker 3: space to heal and all those things. I think these

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Speaker 3: conversations are so.

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Speaker 1: Important for our community, and I'm so grateful that they'll

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Speaker 1: be They're becoming more normal, right, yeah, I think that

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Speaker 1: they're becoming more normal and you know, normalizing this conversation

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Speaker 1: about you know, all the things that we encounter and

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Speaker 1: our feelings and traumas and all those things. Like the

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Speaker 1: more I know, so I know, the more that we

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Speaker 1: share and the more that we talk, like every day

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Speaker 1: we sit down, every week we sit down, and it's

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Speaker 1: it's a therapy session. It truly feels like like therapy.

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Speaker 2: I need it, yes, you.

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Speaker 5: Know, yes, And I think that everybody could benefit from

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Speaker 5: therapy on some level. And so for me, I am

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Speaker 5: just happy that people are normalizing therapy and willing to

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Speaker 5: talk about their mental health. And so, you know, on

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Speaker 5: one hand, I'm like, oh, This just warms my heart

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Speaker 5: that people like the stigma feels like it's kind of

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Speaker 5: coming down. But then on the other hand, I'm like,

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Speaker 5: but damn, we have been through some shit as a people,

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Speaker 5: like as a collective and then even on an individual level,

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Speaker 5: and the fact that we needed is like, fuck.

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Speaker 3: For sure, for sure, I think you know, we wanted to,

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Speaker 3: you know, wanted to get your perspective because you know,

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Speaker 3: as you know, we're both parents, and you know, I

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Speaker 3: think me and Jamila, I guess I dabbled in therapy

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Speaker 3: a little bit. I mean when I was like young,

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Speaker 3: like in my early twenties, and then not until like

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Speaker 3: I was in my thirties did I really start going

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Speaker 3: to therapy. And you know, now having a child, uh,

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Speaker 3: I'm so aware of the things that you know, I

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Speaker 3: felt like were kind of these these killers of or

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Speaker 3: like these these big moments in my life that I

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Speaker 3: feel like affected me that I wish that like my

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Speaker 3: parents had either either talk to me about being more

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Speaker 3: mindful about or like protected me from et cetera. And

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Speaker 3: so like I think now about my child, and obviously

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Speaker 3: I am pro therapy, but also trying to think of,

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Speaker 3: like what are the things that like I can be

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Speaker 3: doing now to like ensure that I'm not inflicting like

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Speaker 3: trauma on her, or that I'm not or like, how

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Speaker 3: do I encourage her to use her voice in the

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Speaker 3: way that like, I didn't know how to vocalize when

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Speaker 3: I was a kid. And these are things that I

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Speaker 3: think about all the time, the things that we talk about.

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Speaker 3: But you know, being able to like, you know, pick

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Speaker 3: you up your guys's perspective and get your perspective on

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Speaker 3: different ways that you know, we can help identify their

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Speaker 3: feelings and these developmental state ages of their life and.

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Speaker 2: Encourage them to talk about them. I think that.

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Speaker 1: It's so important because even as women, even me as

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Speaker 1: a grown ass woman, I have a hard time with this.

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry, my baby daddy is like calling and text

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Speaker 1: messaging me and i can see the pop ups on

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Speaker 1: the side of the screen and I'm getting so mad.

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Speaker 1: So as we're talking about this, I'm like, I am

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Speaker 1: an adult and I need tend to have my feelings.

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Speaker 1: So I hasn't been given the tools to work through

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Speaker 1: my feelings in the present moments, and.

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Speaker 2: It gives me anxiety.

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Speaker 1: And then I see that in my mom and I

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Speaker 1: see that in my grandmother, and I see that it's

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Speaker 1: such a it's such a like a unspoken about, like

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Speaker 1: an unspoken thing in the community.

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 2: I think we all really have things that.

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Speaker 1: We haven't been given the tools to communicate, and we

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Speaker 1: haven't been given permission to give ourselves grace and to

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Speaker 1: be like I'm hurting, this hurts, I'm in pain still

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Speaker 1: because you know, there's just like this. I have to

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Speaker 1: be strong, I have to maintain, I have to save face.

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Speaker 1: I can't cry, you know, like there's this whole culture

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Speaker 1: that we've like, you know, we kind of have to.

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Speaker 1: I think it takes for each other to embrace one

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Speaker 1: another and to promote it within each other, to say, like.

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Speaker 2: Just cry, girl, just cry. You don't have you don't have.

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Speaker 1: To be right, you don't have to be perfect, you

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Speaker 1: don't have to be strong, and just like a safe

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Speaker 1: space to do that.

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Speaker 2: But I realized that starts in childhood. You know.

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Speaker 1: I remember when we're just talking on her space, but

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Speaker 1: you know, you talked about Erica. There was a time

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Speaker 1: in your life where your dad would just the near

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Speaker 1: like the mirror mention of his name would make you cry.

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Speaker 1: And there was a time in like high school. I

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Speaker 1: remember being in the kitchen like brushing past my mom

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Speaker 1: and like cringing, like not being able to want to

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Speaker 1: touch her, and I'm like, what the fuck is that?

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Speaker 1: Like looking back, I'm like, Wow, that's really deep and

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Speaker 1: really sad that I've had these feelings towards my mom,

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Speaker 1: you know, and not being able to feel like I

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Speaker 1: could express that or get that anger out and that.

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Speaker 2: I was being heard.

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Speaker 1: So like, I want to talk about how we can

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Speaker 1: give our kids the tools to express themselves to us

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Speaker 1: and you know, and to feel seen and heard, but

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Speaker 1: also give us the tools to be able to hear

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Speaker 1: them and be receptive and not do like the thing

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Speaker 1: we're like this is the grown folks talk. Don't talk

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Speaker 1: to me like that, you know, stay in your place,

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Speaker 1: like where are the Like There's so many levels to

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Speaker 1: this shish.

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Speaker 3: Right, And so I'm so grateful for you guys, because

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Speaker 3: I know you guys came up with five different ways

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Speaker 3: and I'd love to just like dive into them, because

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Speaker 3: when we do these episodes where we listenings out, they're

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Speaker 3: so helpful because people can really go back and even

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Speaker 3: to us, like we make a lot of times, it's

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Speaker 3: not until we sit down and say we should.

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Speaker 2: It said on this that I.

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Speaker 3: Actually really really think deeply about like the things that

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Speaker 3: I'm actually applying in my life or and also the

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Speaker 3: things that like I probably can be better at applying.

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Speaker 3: So I love I love being able to chat with

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Speaker 3: you guys, And so I know the first one that

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Speaker 3: you guys had put on here was label label your

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Speaker 3: child's emotions. So can you tell us a little bit

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Speaker 3: like about what you think, how you think that that,

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Speaker 3: and why you think that's important, maybe between personal experience

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Speaker 3: or just from your work.

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Speaker 5: Well, I want before we even talk about labeling the

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Speaker 5: child's emotions, I think that it's first important for us

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Speaker 5: to just acknowledge that you all have that awareness, right,

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Speaker 5: that there are intergenerational issues and patterns and cycles that

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Speaker 5: you want to break, right, And so to me, I

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Speaker 5: think the first step in making any change is acknowledging

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Speaker 5: that there's change that needs to happen, right, And so

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Speaker 5: I think kudos to y'all first of all for having

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Speaker 5: that awareness and the willingness because I think that's the

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Speaker 5: second part of it, of having that willingness to say, Okay,

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Speaker 5: we want to do different, Like we recognize the impact

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Speaker 5: that these cycles have had on us, and we want

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Speaker 5: to find a way to do differently. And so I think,

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Speaker 5: you know, when we get to that first thing of

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Speaker 5: like labeling the child's emotions, if we can, oftentimes if

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Speaker 5: we can put a name to it, then what that

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Speaker 5: does is that frees us up to say, Okay, then

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Speaker 5: how can I solve it? What can I do about

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Speaker 5: it if I know what it is? Because if I

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Speaker 5: don't know what it is, then how do I know

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Speaker 5: how to address it?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 5: Because at that point, if I can can't name what

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Speaker 5: the emotion is, then as the parent, I'm over here

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Speaker 5: tossing all kinds of things to try and fix it,

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Speaker 5: and none of it's working. And then I'm getting frustrated

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Speaker 5: because it's not working. But if I don't know how

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Speaker 5: to name it, and if I can't get my child

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Speaker 5: to name it, then we can't do anything about it.

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Speaker 5: And so I think helping children early on to name

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Speaker 5: the emotions, so if something makes them happy, like from

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Speaker 5: early and when I say early on, I mean like

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Speaker 5: from birth, like acknowledging, you know, because kids come into

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Speaker 5: this world and emotions and emotional expression. They're not born

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Speaker 5: with that full range of emotions. It evolves over time,

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Speaker 5: and so being able to help them name it, so

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Speaker 5: if they're happy, if they're joy if they're joyous, if

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Speaker 5: they're angry, if they're upset, as an infant, saying oh baby,

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Speaker 5: you're you know, I see you're upset right now, Let's

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Speaker 5: figure out why is baby upset? And then as they

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Speaker 5: get older, helping them to say to like if they

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Speaker 5: don't know what's happening, for them as the parent to

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Speaker 5: say it, for them to say, okay, you know that

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Speaker 5: three year old who's throwing a temper tantrum to name

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Speaker 5: for them, hey, you're upset right now, and then that

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Speaker 5: allows them to figure out, okay, well, am I upset?

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Speaker 4: Is this really?

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Speaker 5: Is this really accurate what they're telling me how I'm feeling?

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Speaker 5: Is that really how I'm feeling? And if it's not,

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Speaker 5: let me let me adjust.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: No, I totally agree with that because I think even

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Speaker 3: as parents, sometimes when our kids are very tantrums, oh

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Speaker 3: you know, you'd be like, you're not upset, like fat,

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Speaker 3: you're fine, you're fine, and it's like, wait, they're not fine,

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Speaker 3: even if it even if it is ridiculous, but like

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Speaker 3: but and sometimes it will be ridiculous and sometimes it's

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Speaker 3: totally just I'm just I'm just just not it doesn't

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Speaker 3: make any sense sometimes have those conversations and not just

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Speaker 3: dismissing your king as just being a baby, like oh,

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Speaker 3: you're just you're you.

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Speaker 2: Know, you're fine.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I have for sure said that, but

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Speaker 1: you're right or you're right, like instilling those tools and

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Speaker 1: identifying just as basic as being like, okay, you're happy.

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Speaker 2: Baby's happy, baby's sad.

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Speaker 3: Baby is hungry, babies, you know, ted, tired, you know,

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Speaker 3: even though kids will never retired, never, it is it's

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Speaker 3: like an all out revolted about kids that do what

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Speaker 3: it is, the only thing is that she's tired very

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Speaker 3: and that is when there's just like there's no getting

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Speaker 3: around here exactly. She has not to be like dragging

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Speaker 3: feet like you can walk until she so she's tired.

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Speaker 3: But yeah, no, I think that's a really great and

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Speaker 3: I think, you know, I think sometimes like the older

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Speaker 3: the parents that have older kids sometimes feel left out

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Speaker 3: of the conversation because they feel like it's too late.

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Speaker 3: I haven't she's already doing this and this and that.

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Speaker 3: What now, like what are the tools now? But I

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Speaker 3: think it's never too late to have conversations with your kids,

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Speaker 3: you know, at different stages and whatever they are, and

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Speaker 3: asking them like, how are you feeling, how are you

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Speaker 3: feeling today? What's going on today? This is how I feel.

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Speaker 3: I feeling this way, So how are you feeling? You know,

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Speaker 3: personalizing it?

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Speaker 6: That's spot on air because that kind of leads us

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Speaker 6: into number two as well. And I do want to

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Speaker 6: just share disclaimer. Although I have not birthed any children

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Speaker 6: like dom, I was a parentified parent or a parentified child,

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Speaker 6: and so I raise my four young siblings when my

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Speaker 6: mom was in and out of jail, and there are

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Speaker 6: three of them are teenagers today when is twenty years old.

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Speaker 6: And then also in this world of like motivational speaking

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Speaker 6: and going to schools, I've worked with young people and

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Speaker 6: I feel like I've learned so much about parenting via

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Speaker 6: my siblings. So I've basically done everything besides birth and

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Speaker 6: breastfeed them, so her you know, sister ready for prom,

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Speaker 6: you know, dealing with their dramas because you know, especially

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Speaker 6: the girls, the girls always have some type of school drama.

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Speaker 6: The boys are so laid back, but my sister's just

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Speaker 6: like there's always something. And so I find that modeling

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Speaker 6: and encouraging appropriate ways to express their feelings is super helpful.

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Speaker 6: And I think about, you know, when I got language

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Speaker 6: for certain behavioral traits that I had, Like I remember,

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Speaker 6: you know, realizing I really love solitude, I like being alone,

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Speaker 6: and I'm like, well, I guess.

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Speaker 4: I'm just so weirdo because I didn't know what that

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Speaker 4: was called. I am a weirdo, but an introvert, right.

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Speaker 6: And so when you learn about, oh this is what

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Speaker 6: this thing is called, you can research it. So that

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Speaker 6: kind of just to piggyback off of number one, But

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Speaker 6: when it comes to modeling and encouraging appropriate ways to

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Speaker 6: express feelings, kids remember things and they watch us, right,

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Speaker 6: they watch our every move. And there's sometimes to this

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Speaker 6: day where my siblings will still tell me about things

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Speaker 6: they remember me doing when we were younger, and I'm like,

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Speaker 6: oh gosh, But there were also a lot of healthy

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Speaker 6: things and coping mechanisms that I taught them when we

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Speaker 6: were growing up.

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Speaker 4: And so I think one, for instance, like teenagers.

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Speaker 6: Are as you know, as you can imagine, right, their

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Speaker 6: a trip, right, And oftentimes I think there's sometimes a

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Speaker 6: disconnect between parents and their teenagers because they're in that

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Speaker 6: stage of gaining their independence, finding who they are, and

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Speaker 6: they may not want to be up under my man

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Speaker 6: daddy like they used to. And so I found that,

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Speaker 6: you know, in breaking that sort of I guess breaking

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Speaker 6: that barrier with the teenagers that I've worked with and

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Speaker 6: also my siblings, a lot of it comes to just transparency.

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Speaker 6: And I've literally walked into an auditorium of high school

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Speaker 6: students and at the end of the session, some of

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Speaker 6: them will come up to me and they're like telling

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Speaker 6: me their life story or things they've never told their

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Speaker 6: teachers that they've been with for years, and the teachers

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Speaker 6: are like, literally, I had a teacher one day like,

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Speaker 6: why what did you do?

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Speaker 4: How did you get him to share this?

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Speaker 6: He never shared it with me, And I was like, honestly,

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Speaker 6: I just listened to him and I just share something

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Speaker 6: about myself. And she was just like damn, Like is

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Speaker 6: that easy? Yeah, Like being transparent and letting them know

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Speaker 6: like I'm having a rough day or I felt really

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Speaker 6: scared about this, So I felt insecure about this, whatever

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Speaker 6: it might be, modeling that behavior and kind of leading

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Speaker 6: the way and then encouraging them to do the same

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Speaker 6: and no one and letting them know that you can

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Speaker 6: they can trust you. I think that's key too, and

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Speaker 6: like without judgment. So I've had my siblings tell me

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Speaker 6: things where I'm just like, oh my gosh, oh my god,

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Speaker 6: or like you kind of want to like judge a

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Speaker 6: little bit where you're like, well, you know, but they

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Speaker 6: already know.

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Speaker 4: We've had these conversations.

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Speaker 6: And so just providing a safe space where they can

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Speaker 6: literally tell you anything, I think goes back to modeling, right,

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Speaker 6: Like I remember growing up, my mom used to always say,

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Speaker 6: you can tell me anything you can do to d

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Speaker 6: and then we tell her stuff and then she flip

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Speaker 6: out and we're like, well, that's why we don't tell

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Speaker 6: you nothing.

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Speaker 4: It is because you keep saying we could tell you stuff.

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Speaker 4: And then when we.

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Speaker 6: Come and tell you, you call your best friends and you're

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Speaker 6: telling our business.

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Speaker 2: When you get mad, then it comes up and.

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Speaker 6: It comes up, and then you're putting it in our face.

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Speaker 6: I'm like, that's why we don't tell you nothing. So

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Speaker 6: I think, really, you know, adhering to what you promise them,

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Speaker 6: like if you're going to you know, instill that trust,

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Speaker 6: then really coming up with your own toolbox and game

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Speaker 6: plan on how to respond when they do tell you

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Speaker 6: things that you might not want to hear.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmm.

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna flip out because they deserve to be flipped

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Speaker 3: out on. Or I'm gonna like, chill out, chill I'm

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Speaker 3: gonna flip out when they walk away. I'm gonna call

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Speaker 3: Jamila and tell her what the fuck exactly?

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Speaker 2: Yes, and then.

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna go back into the room quietly, sit down.

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Speaker 2: You tell me about that. What did you do?

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Speaker 4: You know?

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Speaker 2: Like, yeah, And it takes a lot.

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Speaker 1: There's a lot of like swallowing your pride and even

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Speaker 1: you're better judgment at times so they can have that trust.

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Speaker 5: Yes, And I mean, and I think the thing is

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Speaker 5: is that that takes a lot of patience too, right,

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Speaker 5: because if you think about it, if you are in

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Speaker 5: a space like you've had a rough day at work

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Speaker 5: and your child is checking in and they tell you that,

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Speaker 5: I don't know, they spent five hundred dollars out of

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Speaker 5: your bank account or something, right, I don't know, that's

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Speaker 5: a lot, right, And in reality you want you may

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Speaker 5: want to flip out, you know, I mean, and let's

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Speaker 5: be real, in reality you may want to choke them out, right,

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Speaker 5: But one as a mandated reporter, I can't condone that

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Speaker 5: type of behavior, right, And so in the age that

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Speaker 5: we live in too, of how easy it is for

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Speaker 5: kids to call cps, right mm hmm. You you recognize that, Okay,

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Speaker 5: choking them out one is probably it might get me arrested,

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Speaker 5: might get the child taken away from me, but that's

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Speaker 5: also not gonna fix the get the five hundred dollars

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Speaker 5: back into my bank account that they took out, right,

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Speaker 5: But you've had a rough day at work, and you're like,

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Speaker 5: this is the last fucking thing that I need right

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Speaker 5: now is for this child to tell me about this

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Speaker 5: five hundred dollars from my bank account.

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Speaker 4: And so then.

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Speaker 5: You're in that space where you're like, Okay, that's when

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Speaker 5: shit gets real, because it's easy if you've been having

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Speaker 5: a good day to have that wherewithal and that presence

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Speaker 5: to say, all right, I'm gonna pause, I'm gonna give

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Speaker 5: Erica a call, or I'm gonna give me a little call,

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Speaker 5: I'm gonna gi Terry call somebody, or we might do

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Speaker 5: a conference call so I can process this shit out.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 2: There's yeah, there's just no perfect scenario. There's no it's

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Speaker 2: always it always smacks you in the face. It's just

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Speaker 2: it's that's essentially what parents it is.

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Speaker 3: It literally like just when you think like, oh no,

395
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Speaker 3: like it's not that age yet, not yet, it'll be like.

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Speaker 2: Oh no, it's the sage.

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Speaker 3: And honestly the age is like at the the access

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Speaker 3: that kids have now and like the exposure they have,

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Speaker 3: the intelligence truly that they have.

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Speaker 2: I feel like this this generation is even my daughter's generation.

401
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:40,560
Speaker 3: Are going to be much more intelligent than I than

402
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Speaker 3: I am, but they have more access to information and

403
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Speaker 3: it's and obviously you know that's a double edged sword

404
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,360
Speaker 3: because there's a lot of things. It's like it's your

405
00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:52,879
Speaker 3: mind ready to even like processes know so much more access.

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Speaker 1: But all these things kind of come flying at you,

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Speaker 1: and it's like you have suggest if I feel like

408
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Speaker 1: parenthood is like bracing yourself for like succopmentaries, I feel like, oh,

409
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Speaker 1: like and then you're finally you're like, oh okay, I

410
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 1: can breathe them.

411
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Speaker 2: It's like oh you're like oh ship, yeah, yeah, So.

412
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Speaker 3: Like I mean I think and but like but but

413
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Speaker 3: but if you want that trust and you want them

414
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Speaker 3: to talk to you, it's so important. I mean, I

415
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Speaker 3: think about my relationship with my mom, Like that's kind

416
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Speaker 3: of the relationship we had, Like I really wanted to

417
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Speaker 3: tell her things that every time I did, or most

418
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Speaker 3: of the times I did, when they were like pretty

419
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Speaker 3: like you know, crazy for my age or something, I

420
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Speaker 3: saw her trying to put it in practice.

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Speaker 2: And I damn like yamn.

422
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Speaker 4: She was like that was that was good.

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Speaker 2: She's not grounded.

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Speaker 1: And then sure enough, like one week later, she's been

425
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Speaker 1: stewing and she couldn't work to just like.

426
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Speaker 2: And I was like, okay, here, that's why I'm telling

427
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Speaker 2: you that, right, right.

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Speaker 1: It's nice to see when your work, when you see

429
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Speaker 1: your work implemented, and then you're like, oh, like the

430
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Speaker 1: one time I was in the car with Bluna and

431
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Speaker 1: I was like, I get really anxious really quickly.

432
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Speaker 2: I get overwhelmed. There's my food. She's like, Mom, take

433
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Speaker 2: a deep breath. Take a deep breath. Mom, you can

434
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Speaker 2: get your phone later.

435
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Speaker 1: What I read that to me, My work is working,

436
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Speaker 1: but not on myself.

437
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,919
Speaker 2: Recently too, and I have the same feeling.

438
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:30,240
Speaker 3: Oh so she does know, Yeah, I mean by teaching

439
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:34,080
Speaker 3: my daughter yoga at school, I'm like, I never did yoga, like.

440
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,360
Speaker 2: Meditation and quiet time.

441
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:40,159
Speaker 3: I was so happy that these things, that these resources

442
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,760
Speaker 3: are available, and like to two children, there are just

443
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,560
Speaker 3: so many more resources available to children.

444
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,399
Speaker 2: Even if you are a parent and you don't know where.

445
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:51,719
Speaker 3: To start, like there's places you can find like Google

446
00:23:51,880 --> 00:24:03,960
Speaker 3: is is king yees terrible because Google is also but.

447
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,200
Speaker 5: I mean, I think that's just what it is with technology.

448
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:07,840
Speaker 5: But you know, and I think too that other piece

449
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:12,600
Speaker 5: of modeling is being able to say I need a

450
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:20,960
Speaker 5: moment and giving yourself that time out, but then also

451
00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:26,040
Speaker 5: on that flip side, giving the child permission to take

452
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:31,879
Speaker 5: those emotional timeouts as well, to let them say, Okay,

453
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:38,280
Speaker 5: I need mommy, I need a moment, and as the

454
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:43,200
Speaker 5: parent not getting upset with that, like really giving them

455
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:49,879
Speaker 5: truly that space because hopefully then they'll come back and

456
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:54,680
Speaker 5: they can engage without it being like a temper tantrum.

457
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:55,120
Speaker 2: Right.

458
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,200
Speaker 1: I think that really leads us into the third one

459
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:02,120
Speaker 1: that you guys listen, which is teaching them for coping skills,

460
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,520
Speaker 1: because I think the teaching really happens with the modeling,

461
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 1: right and you know, and like for us as parents,

462
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:12,960
Speaker 1: us seeing our kids telling us okay, take the deep breaths.

463
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,199
Speaker 3: And you know, and oftentimes when they are like our

464
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:19,400
Speaker 3: daughters are five and they are having tantrums like they're

465
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,080
Speaker 3: not sometimes they don't remember to actually most of the

466
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,159
Speaker 3: time they don't remember to do it, but just the

467
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:27,200
Speaker 3: fact that it's there, there's a seed planted. And like,

468
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 3: those coping skills are so important, you know. I wish

469
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,120
Speaker 3: that I had had those when I was having when

470
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,080
Speaker 3: I was having those breakdowns and triggers, like I didn't

471
00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:36,800
Speaker 3: know how to cope.

472
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,720
Speaker 2: I just remember just like basically.

473
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,680
Speaker 1: Running myself into an asthma attacked essentially like for real,

474
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:46,359
Speaker 1: like just like to the point where I couldn't breathe,

475
00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:47,800
Speaker 1: and I was like I don't even know how to

476
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:49,400
Speaker 1: get where to start to.

477
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,160
Speaker 2: Undo this feeling exactly.

478
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:56,080
Speaker 3: So yeah, I think the coping skills are really really important.

479
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 3: And I mean there's so many any breathing I don't

480
00:25:58,760 --> 00:25:59,960
Speaker 3: know if you guys have any that you know.

481
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,119
Speaker 6: And I think being open to like being creative and

482
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:09,200
Speaker 6: realized that it's not a one size fits all situation.

483
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,280
Speaker 6: Like I had one sister where I used to tell

484
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,520
Speaker 6: her I love to journal, and I would tell her like, oh, journal,

485
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:14,680
Speaker 6: journalis like it don't work.

486
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:16,919
Speaker 4: I'm trying to work with my anger. I don't like it.

487
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,080
Speaker 6: I'm like, okay, well let's try something else. So she's

488
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,879
Speaker 6: into music, so okay, cool, we'll do music to cope

489
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,159
Speaker 6: with whatever you're going through. I remember one of my

490
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,240
Speaker 6: little sisters when she was younger, she would get so

491
00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:29,440
Speaker 6: silly and I could my hunch was that she wants

492
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,479
Speaker 6: some attention right now, because she would just like just

493
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:33,840
Speaker 6: do the dumbest shit and just come out and like

494
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:35,960
Speaker 6: just do crazy stuff. And I was like, okay, let

495
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,919
Speaker 6: me ask herself, do you want attention right now? Like

496
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,520
Speaker 6: you want you want an audience? And she would say yes.

497
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,920
Speaker 6: I'm like, okay, well you can let me know when

498
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:44,560
Speaker 6: you want to do that. And then we used to

499
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,919
Speaker 6: do talent shows at home, and so now it's like, okay,

500
00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:49,320
Speaker 6: it must be talent show time because you want an audience,

501
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,680
Speaker 6: you want to be silly, and we can do something

502
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:53,680
Speaker 6: in a positive way that will give you what you're

503
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,560
Speaker 6: looking for. And so I think just I mean, I'm

504
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,160
Speaker 6: allowing them to express themselves in that way. But going

505
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,879
Speaker 6: back to what you said about yoga Erica, like yoga meditation,

506
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:05,720
Speaker 6: kids have so much at their disposal of these days,

507
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:07,919
Speaker 6: like you said, I wish we had them when we

508
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:09,840
Speaker 6: were younger, going through all the shit we done went through.

509
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 6: But yeah, that's what I would say about coping.

510
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:15,480
Speaker 5: What about you don Yeah, I would say all of that,

511
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:23,040
Speaker 5: and of course add in therapy. And I recognize too

512
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:27,920
Speaker 5: now that a lot that kids nowadays it's in therapy,

513
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:32,840
Speaker 5: is in their vocabulary and so it's something that's truly

514
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:38,520
Speaker 5: normalized for them. And so giving them that space, you know,

515
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:43,399
Speaker 5: and their therapy, like the five year old, if the

516
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 5: five year old needed therapy, there are therapists out there

517
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:50,399
Speaker 5: that specialize in working with kids with the with the

518
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:56,000
Speaker 5: little bitty ones, and they can do play therapy and

519
00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:59,000
Speaker 5: art therapy and all kinds of use all kinds of

520
00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:03,880
Speaker 5: other techniques to help that child who might not have

521
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:09,720
Speaker 5: the vocabulary still express themselves right right.

522
00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:11,160
Speaker 2: For sure.

523
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,359
Speaker 3: I think I think that there are like there's different

524
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:17,920
Speaker 3: resources out there. I think like for for for example,

525
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:22,160
Speaker 3: like my daughter, she loves this this one YouTube channel

526
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:26,760
Speaker 3: called Cosmic Cosmic Kids, and that's that's the yoga channel,

527
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:29,120
Speaker 3: and they have all these different like different that they

528
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:31,000
Speaker 3: do like a Frimzen.

529
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:33,439
Speaker 2: Yoga or like you know, trolls yoga.

530
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 3: So like for those parents that have those kids that

531
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:37,960
Speaker 3: are still you know back, I would say between like three,

532
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:40,560
Speaker 3: like seven or eight, Like that's a great resource, So

533
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:41,280
Speaker 3: why we add.

534
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,120
Speaker 2: More resources in the details of this episode.

535
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 3: But even there's you know, you've heard us. So you guys,

536
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:47,640
Speaker 3: you guys have listened for a while. You guys have

537
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:50,520
Speaker 3: heard us talk about Better Help, and Better Help has

538
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:54,520
Speaker 3: been a great resource for us, and you know for

539
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,360
Speaker 3: our listeners. Our listeners have reached out to us and

540
00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,720
Speaker 3: said that Better Helpers really helped them with their therapy

541
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:02,800
Speaker 3: because it's virtual. You can just do it from the

542
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:05,800
Speaker 3: comfort of your home. And they have therapy for teenagers,

543
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:08,320
Speaker 3: not for the little ones, so you'd still have to

544
00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:11,200
Speaker 3: find therapists for your smaller ones.

545
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:14,520
Speaker 2: But I think it's never too late, and got our Help.

546
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,400
Speaker 3: Is a really great option if you don't know where

547
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:19,480
Speaker 3: to start and feel overwhelmed. And I'll incute the link

548
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:23,800
Speaker 3: in our bio for them as well. But yeah, I

549
00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:27,640
Speaker 3: think that all these tips are really great for kids

550
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,520
Speaker 3: and coping. And I do agree that it isn't a

551
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:34,200
Speaker 3: one size if it's all like for even for looking

552
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,280
Speaker 3: at looking at our kids right now through the glass

553
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:40,440
Speaker 3: and like our kids are very different. They're best friends,

554
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:44,960
Speaker 3: but they have different interests, they have different coping skills,

555
00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:50,720
Speaker 3: they have different triggers. It's just so interesting to watch

556
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:53,200
Speaker 3: our little girls grow up together because they've been friends

557
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,880
Speaker 3: for since they were babies. But they couldn't be more

558
00:29:55,880 --> 00:30:00,560
Speaker 3: different in so many ways. And the things and the

559
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:02,400
Speaker 3: needs that they need, the things that I really needs

560
00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:05,120
Speaker 3: to cope or are different than the things that Luna

561
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,239
Speaker 3: needs for sure. So I think, Yeah, listening to your

562
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:11,400
Speaker 3: kids and really knowing, knowing who they are and what's

563
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 3: their what their interests are and their little spirit is

564
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:23,479
Speaker 3: telling you is important. It's super important. Number four MM

565
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:28,760
Speaker 3: set set boundaries is the is the fourth tip that

566
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:30,840
Speaker 3: you guys have on this list.

567
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:33,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I.

568
00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:37,000
Speaker 3: Think that's so important, especially for young for young kids,

569
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,720
Speaker 3: all kids, adults.

570
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:40,080
Speaker 2: All of us need boundaries.

571
00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:47,640
Speaker 3: Yes, but I mean you guys have mentioned, you know,

572
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:51,200
Speaker 3: talking about consent and ownership of their bodies, which is

573
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:55,280
Speaker 3: a big one for us as parents, and it's been

574
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:56,240
Speaker 3: a really big one for me.

575
00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:59,600
Speaker 2: You know, my daughter learning for bodies, she's five years old.

576
00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:03,320
Speaker 3: You know, she started exploring herself that two really one,

577
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 3: like you know, they started a young age and even

578
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:09,200
Speaker 3: more recently, like you know, we've had people on and

579
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:15,240
Speaker 3: people encourage us to you know, obviously identify our kids'

580
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:17,120
Speaker 3: body parts as their real names.

581
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:19,880
Speaker 2: And also like recently, like Iri.

582
00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:24,200
Speaker 3: She she was asking me about, you know, her vagina,

583
00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:25,880
Speaker 3: and I was like, let's just take a mirror down

584
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:28,120
Speaker 3: there and look at it, and like I really went

585
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:29,760
Speaker 3: in there and we showed her everything, and she was

586
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 3: a little shy at first, but then she was just like, oh,

587
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:35,440
Speaker 3: what is it called? And like I want those those

588
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:38,080
Speaker 3: things should be normalized, like me as a woman, Like.

589
00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:40,560
Speaker 2: I was like ashamed of my vagina. I was like, ugh,

590
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:42,520
Speaker 2: I don't know, does it look right?

591
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 4: Is this normal?

592
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 2: Like no?

593
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 3: And like and I think because I didn't have this

594
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:51,920
Speaker 3: like connection to it, like I didn't understand even like

595
00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:58,360
Speaker 3: the consent part of it too, And so I think, yeah, boundaries.

596
00:31:58,760 --> 00:31:58,960
Speaker 2: You know.

597
00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:03,160
Speaker 1: I this one was because I think we're really conscious of,

598
00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 1: you know, talking to our kids about boundaries with their bodies,

599
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:11,160
Speaker 1: especially little girls, and just saying no or if you

600
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:12,640
Speaker 1: don't something touch, they don't have to touch you. But

601
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,400
Speaker 1: then like I'll kiss all over her and she's like,

602
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:15,840
Speaker 1: get off of me. I'm like, I'm your mom.

603
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:18,520
Speaker 2: Totally goes against each other.

604
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:24,360
Speaker 1: Boundaries is everyone, but me, but even practicing what she preached,

605
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:25,960
Speaker 1: if you're not she doesn't want to be touched or

606
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,240
Speaker 1: she doesn't want to, you know, be loved on at

607
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:31,400
Speaker 1: that moment, giving her that. I feel like by respecting

608
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:34,480
Speaker 1: those boundaries even in those moments, gives her what my

609
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:38,400
Speaker 1: whole thing is, empower your child to have presence over

610
00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:41,080
Speaker 1: their body. I think a lot of growing up especially

611
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:44,640
Speaker 1: as women, as girls, especially in like my teenage years,

612
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 1: I didn't feel empowered with saying now. It literally took

613
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,240
Speaker 1: me as in my thirties, like no, I'm good to

614
00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:51,000
Speaker 1: get off me, like for real, like, yeah, get the

615
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:53,640
Speaker 1: fuck off her, am, I don't care where it's at

616
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:57,640
Speaker 1: and what push your pull? I don't give it. I'm good,

617
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:00,400
Speaker 1: you know. But it took so long of being like

618
00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: can I do that? Or you know, like I've gotten

619
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,040
Speaker 1: this far, so now I have to do these things.

620
00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:08,360
Speaker 1: But by having these conversations, it's like, nah, no one's

621
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 1: gonna die at any point, pump one or six.

622
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 2: If you don't want to, you're good, sing it off me.

623
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:18,120
Speaker 1: You know, like just and I feel like, even for me,

624
00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:21,560
Speaker 1: I see how that empowerment kind of goes and other

625
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,440
Speaker 1: like leads into other things like I'm really I try

626
00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:26,320
Speaker 1: to pride myself on like not telling them me to

627
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:28,560
Speaker 1: be too careful, but to also be just like to

628
00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:29,280
Speaker 1: be independent.

629
00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:30,040
Speaker 2: I like her go.

630
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:32,600
Speaker 1: I would tell them hers her to climb, you know,

631
00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:35,240
Speaker 1: like go do what you want to do, because I

632
00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:39,080
Speaker 1: feel like that even empowers your child that you can't

633
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:40,880
Speaker 1: do that you can go climb that tree, I can,

634
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,160
Speaker 1: you know, Like obviously she lets me know I'm walking away,

635
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,360
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go do this. But I try to like

636
00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:47,480
Speaker 1: challenge her in those ways because I feel like even

637
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:53,680
Speaker 1: those things give her empowerment, you know, just impersonal and

638
00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,719
Speaker 1: other and other aspects of her, of her body and

639
00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:58,840
Speaker 1: of her life. So I try to be conscious of

640
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,520
Speaker 1: that that she's in control, and she has the control,

641
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:04,400
Speaker 1: and she's she's worthy of making those decisions by herself.

642
00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:07,520
Speaker 6: Can I just say, your daughters are so lucky to

643
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:10,239
Speaker 6: have moms like you. Like the fact that you had

644
00:34:10,239 --> 00:34:12,839
Speaker 6: your daughter with a mirror down there at five years old,

645
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,200
Speaker 6: that is so powerful. Like I remember doing that by

646
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:18,400
Speaker 6: myself when I was like probably a preteen or older

647
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:21,280
Speaker 6: in like a shameful way, but like having a mom

648
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:23,279
Speaker 6: guide her through that, and then you and me live

649
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:25,799
Speaker 6: with your like go climb, go do that, and like

650
00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:28,439
Speaker 6: not to be so scary like that is so they're

651
00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:31,120
Speaker 6: gonna remember those moments, I'm sure when they get older,

652
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:34,120
Speaker 6: and that'll be pivotal for them. I know what comes

653
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:35,880
Speaker 6: to mind for me when I think about boundaries is

654
00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:39,120
Speaker 6: like allow or encouraging them to use their voice.

655
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:40,800
Speaker 4: I know, I'm gonna just be honest.

656
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:42,520
Speaker 6: I'm sure I'm the only one on the on the

657
00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:45,279
Speaker 6: on the episode that's experienced this, but I have some

658
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:48,160
Speaker 6: pervs in the family. And when I was younger, my

659
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:49,800
Speaker 6: mom used to tell us when we would like have

660
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,960
Speaker 6: family gatherings, like she let us know that it was

661
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:54,919
Speaker 6: okay to say you don't I don't want to hug

662
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,759
Speaker 6: this person or that person comes over, that uncle tries

663
00:34:57,800 --> 00:34:59,440
Speaker 6: to come over and whisper your ear, which is so

664
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:00,440
Speaker 6: fucking you're.

665
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:03,760
Speaker 4: Weird, Like what are you doing with my hug at

666
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:04,359
Speaker 4: come on?

667
00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:08,000
Speaker 6: She empowered us like to say that we were uncomfortable,

668
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:09,240
Speaker 6: and I thought that was so amazing.

669
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,839
Speaker 4: And although I didn't always do it because I.

670
00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 6: Felt like I learned it a little late and I

671
00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:15,320
Speaker 6: was still trying to work on how to say those things.

672
00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:18,440
Speaker 6: Knowing that you have someone supporting you and doing that,

673
00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:20,719
Speaker 6: like you said me live these days, I'm a lot

674
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:23,160
Speaker 6: more confident in setting those boundaries, but back then it

675
00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:25,319
Speaker 6: was still something new for me. So I think empowering

676
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:27,879
Speaker 6: and standing by your child and behind them. If you're

677
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 6: somewhere and they're like, I don't want to give that

678
00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:32,520
Speaker 6: person a hug. Hey, I may not understand it.

679
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:33,759
Speaker 2: My heart hurts, doesn't want to.

680
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 4: You know.

681
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:38,319
Speaker 3: What's funny about that, though, is that you have to

682
00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:40,760
Speaker 3: get the rest of your family on board some times,

683
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:45,200
Speaker 3: because they're so used to this respect thing of like

684
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:49,520
Speaker 3: it's respectful to how you can kiss everyone, it's disrespectful if

685
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:52,440
Speaker 3: you don't. And I've had to actually have that conversation

686
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:54,640
Speaker 3: with my mom and be like, she doesn't want to,

687
00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:56,440
Speaker 3: Why is it? Why are you pressing the issue?

688
00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,000
Speaker 2: She doesn't want to. It doesn't have to.

689
00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:01,120
Speaker 3: She doesn't have to kiss and hug everyone, you know,

690
00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:04,560
Speaker 3: as long as she says hello and she's respectful, that's all.

691
00:36:04,600 --> 00:36:08,239
Speaker 2: That's that's all that she required to do. I think.

692
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,319
Speaker 2: I think also new age parenting ends me that up.

693
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:12,919
Speaker 2: I don't know if this is what we're doing over there,

694
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:17,759
Speaker 2: new age.

695
00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:26,480
Speaker 1: Trailblazing, new age is I feel like I'm in a

696
00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:28,480
Speaker 1: lot of communities, not just Black community. There are going

697
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:30,440
Speaker 1: to be times we're gonna have to check the people

698
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:33,799
Speaker 1: around you, yep, and let them know, like.

699
00:36:34,719 --> 00:36:35,480
Speaker 2: As a mom.

700
00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:39,200
Speaker 1: And I feel like I got more confident even in

701
00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:42,360
Speaker 1: it as I got further in it, you know. But

702
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:45,640
Speaker 1: like I think it's important that when you come into

703
00:36:45,719 --> 00:36:50,160
Speaker 1: your motherhood, one thing is just know that you are

704
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:52,920
Speaker 1: going to know innately what's right for your child. And

705
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,520
Speaker 1: you are going to have to check some people. And

706
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:58,360
Speaker 1: that might be mother in laws, that might be baby daddies,

707
00:36:58,440 --> 00:36:59,000
Speaker 1: that might be.

708
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,120
Speaker 2: Your mom but with your grandma.

709
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:05,600
Speaker 1: But it's worth it, and it's also worth sometimes even

710
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:10,160
Speaker 1: your child having to hear the check, yes, because first

711
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:11,320
Speaker 1: of all, I want you to know your mam doesn't

712
00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,080
Speaker 1: play games. The second of all, you know, I don't

713
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:17,279
Speaker 1: want you to be necessarily be afraid of confrontation, but

714
00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:18,719
Speaker 1: know how to stay on your ground and know that

715
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:21,560
Speaker 1: I have your back. And what we have going on

716
00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:23,359
Speaker 1: over here is what we have going on over here.

717
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:34,200
Speaker 2: So I do, I do, And that's great.

718
00:37:34,239 --> 00:37:36,080
Speaker 4: Oh go ahead. I was just gonna say.

719
00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:37,799
Speaker 6: The last thing I would add is like giving them

720
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:40,840
Speaker 6: language to you, so instead of just like, oh, set boundaries,

721
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,080
Speaker 6: like giving them like a toolbox I love to use,

722
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:45,640
Speaker 6: like templates. So I know, Okay, I'm a little nervous

723
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,680
Speaker 6: in this situation. What do I say? Give them a

724
00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:49,440
Speaker 6: little template on like this is what you can say

725
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,920
Speaker 6: when you're trying to exercise that that boundary violation or

726
00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:53,600
Speaker 6: whatever it might be.

727
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:57,000
Speaker 1: I think that's so important, I think because it's one

728
00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:58,480
Speaker 1: thing for you to say you can do it. But

729
00:37:58,520 --> 00:38:02,319
Speaker 1: then it's like when they're when they're faith with the situation,

730
00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:04,719
Speaker 1: you're not there and you're not there, and they're like, wait,

731
00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:06,359
Speaker 1: I know I can do it, but how what do

732
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:06,799
Speaker 1: I say?

733
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:08,480
Speaker 2: What do I do? What are the words? You know?

734
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:12,280
Speaker 2: Like they really do they need the template?

735
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 3: I don't care what age it is, like it's important

736
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,600
Speaker 3: to at least give them the option to know, you know.

737
00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:24,680
Speaker 1: So okay, I have one more question that doesn't necessarily

738
00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:26,520
Speaker 1: go with coping skills.

739
00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:27,960
Speaker 2: This is a parenting question.

740
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:32,560
Speaker 1: So I know we talked about like being careful what

741
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:34,880
Speaker 1: we project on our children, what we say, but I

742
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,200
Speaker 1: feel like we got a question about this today and

743
00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:41,360
Speaker 1: I've been feeling these feelings about with girls because you know,

744
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:45,080
Speaker 1: in the black community, don't you're fast and you're grown,

745
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:47,400
Speaker 1: if you have more makeup, if you like a boy,

746
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,400
Speaker 1: I don't know what qualify you dance and Hucci from

747
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:53,200
Speaker 1: the music videos, you're fast in your phone, which looking

748
00:38:53,239 --> 00:38:55,120
Speaker 1: back in hindsight, I feel like that was like that

749
00:38:55,200 --> 00:38:57,440
Speaker 1: word was scrolled around a lot, and like because of that,

750
00:38:57,480 --> 00:38:58,799
Speaker 1: I kind of embodied that and I.

751
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,000
Speaker 2: Was fast and grown and maybe it was just passing

752
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:02,000
Speaker 2: from But.

753
00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:05,600
Speaker 1: Like now that I see I have a daughter and

754
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,919
Speaker 1: she's five, and I see her mimicking how I dance, shit,

755
00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:11,920
Speaker 1: mimicking the dances that they're on TV, the music videos.

756
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:15,520
Speaker 2: There are so many under even kids. Shit, everything is.

757
00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:23,640
Speaker 1: You know, underlying tone, romantic, sexual sexualize, sexualized, and I

758
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:28,319
Speaker 1: really pride myself on not putting sexual you know, not

759
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:33,120
Speaker 1: sexualizing children. I hate I hate when people are like, oh,

760
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:35,480
Speaker 1: so and so go put your shirt on. There's men around.

761
00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:38,359
Speaker 1: First of all, ocal so and So can't come. If

762
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:41,480
Speaker 1: anybody has to say that to my free underage child,

763
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:43,719
Speaker 1: that part I don't ever like.

764
00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:44,880
Speaker 2: We're naked in our house.

765
00:39:45,239 --> 00:39:48,080
Speaker 1: You know, this is our house, and if you at

766
00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:50,000
Speaker 1: any point just be as a man comes in, I

767
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:53,000
Speaker 1: stand by the notion that I'm not going to teach

768
00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:55,880
Speaker 1: my daughter to expect men to violate you or disrespect you,

769
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:58,439
Speaker 1: or that they have no control over their actions. That's

770
00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:00,480
Speaker 1: in no way, shape, form or true. And don't accept

771
00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:03,960
Speaker 1: any man that makes you feel that way, right, So

772
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:07,040
Speaker 1: I just like, as she's getting older and she is sassy,

773
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:08,960
Speaker 1: and I did buy her her earrings that I might

774
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:13,000
Speaker 1: take back, but but like, you know, there's all of this,

775
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 1: and even me like I think it's you know, but

776
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:17,520
Speaker 1: like what's really houcci because if you go back to

777
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:22,360
Speaker 1: roots like Africans, Islanders, weavy shaken ass and that's just

778
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:24,000
Speaker 1: that's part of our culture.

779
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:24,480
Speaker 4: I love it.

780
00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:27,160
Speaker 1: And and so like even to sexualize that, you know,

781
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:30,560
Speaker 1: And like recently Luna, my friend had a fourth posts

782
00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:32,400
Speaker 1: whole bit and she was just like doing all this

783
00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:34,120
Speaker 1: art on the pole to the music. I was like, wow,

784
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:37,239
Speaker 1: it's really it's really good actually, but I was conscious,

785
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:39,800
Speaker 1: Like one time I posted her on the poll, my

786
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:41,920
Speaker 1: friend had a pull. She was little and really little

787
00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:45,200
Speaker 1: and like obviously she knows nothing about the strip club strippers,

788
00:40:45,239 --> 00:40:47,760
Speaker 1: et cetera. But I got all that, like somebody messaged

789
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:51,080
Speaker 1: me something like all this deep shit about me posting.

790
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:52,480
Speaker 2: It, and I was like, am I a bad mom?

791
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:52,840
Speaker 2: You know?

792
00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:56,520
Speaker 1: And even like you know, posting her like her her

793
00:40:57,120 --> 00:40:59,239
Speaker 1: non chest was out, and I'm just like, I'm not

794
00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:00,720
Speaker 1: even fucking think of these things.

795
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:04,120
Speaker 2: But I realized, like people have interviews their triggers.

796
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:08,239
Speaker 1: People you know, wanted to put that on parents, that

797
00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:12,200
Speaker 1: you that somehow we're putting our child in the place

798
00:41:12,239 --> 00:41:16,279
Speaker 1: to be you know, victimized or whatever like not, And.

799
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:16,680
Speaker 2: That's just so far from the truth.

800
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:19,680
Speaker 1: Like you said, there'd be perbs at the motherfucking cookout,

801
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:23,319
Speaker 1: perves at the library, perbs at the park. I can't

802
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:26,359
Speaker 1: live my life for purpse. Okay, it doesn't work that way.

803
00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:27,719
Speaker 1: That's not how we live over here. I'm not living

804
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,360
Speaker 1: in fear. Obviously, I'm watching you. Obviously I'm teaching you

805
00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:33,279
Speaker 1: to have like empowerment and consent over your body. But

806
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:36,200
Speaker 1: it is, like it's such a so the person who

807
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:38,799
Speaker 1: wrote in was saying, you know, her daughter's ten, she

808
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:42,760
Speaker 1: wants to be you know, body positive and not project

809
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:44,200
Speaker 1: those things on her. But like, how do you say

810
00:41:44,239 --> 00:41:46,319
Speaker 1: it's okay in the house but not outside, And like,

811
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:49,080
Speaker 1: you know, like it's just such a thin line because

812
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:53,359
Speaker 1: the truth is they're receiving this from outside sources every day,

813
00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:55,799
Speaker 1: even if it doesn't look so brilliant, you.

814
00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:59,800
Speaker 2: Know, And so I think it is a good thing.

815
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:02,520
Speaker 5: And so it goes to a matter of like explaining

816
00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:07,080
Speaker 5: about like what we do in our house and how

817
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:24,160
Speaker 5: what we do in our house may be different h okay,

818
00:42:25,360 --> 00:42:29,640
Speaker 5: and so how what we do in our house is

819
00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:31,160
Speaker 5: different than what's gonna happen in.

820
00:42:31,160 --> 00:42:32,120
Speaker 2: The outside world.

821
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:35,760
Speaker 5: And while this is a safe space.

822
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:45,480
Speaker 2: Beautiful, thank you, Bryan.

823
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:48,840
Speaker 4: Oh what is this for? For? What?

824
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:52,919
Speaker 2: Oh my god?

825
00:42:53,120 --> 00:43:03,200
Speaker 1: Love you am recording. I'm recording. I'm so sorry, Oh

826
00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:07,960
Speaker 1: my god. Side note, Erica has like the best black landlords.

827
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:11,520
Speaker 1: They're a spell house couple and they just brought her flowers.

828
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:16,279
Speaker 2: That is so sweet. It's Tuesday, Tuesday?

829
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:21,080
Speaker 4: What's coming on Wednesday? I love this? Yes, what I did?

830
00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:32,799
Speaker 2: I've been paying. I don't know what have you still paying?

831
00:43:33,440 --> 00:43:37,000
Speaker 2: How do they know? I'm trying to the podcast. Oh,

832
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:42,040
Speaker 2: I'm joking. There is amazing people.

833
00:43:41,760 --> 00:43:42,720
Speaker 4: And it's so sweet.

834
00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:48,120
Speaker 2: That is sorry, it's okay, shook, I'm shook. I don't

835
00:43:48,120 --> 00:43:49,360
Speaker 2: know what. I don't know what it is for.

836
00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:53,160
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm bracing myself with ship. I'm like everything

837
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:54,360
Speaker 1: that is not a bad sign.

838
00:43:54,480 --> 00:44:00,680
Speaker 2: Okay, yes, let's let's let's embrace that. We yeah for

839
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:06,719
Speaker 2: random acts of kind. Flowers are beautiful. My boyfriend is

840
00:44:06,719 --> 00:44:07,399
Speaker 2: just stepping up.

841
00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:16,240
Speaker 1: My married landlords family are treating you better. I'm totally pudding.

842
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:18,080
Speaker 2: I love you. Listen.

843
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:26,640
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but oh, you were saying that the things

844
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:29,040
Speaker 1: that happen in our house, our house is different than

845
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:30,240
Speaker 1: everybody else's house.

846
00:44:30,320 --> 00:44:33,680
Speaker 5: Right, And if they understand that, then it's like when

847
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:38,080
Speaker 5: they step outside, then they kind of know, Okay, there

848
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:40,319
Speaker 5: may be some things that we're not allowed to do

849
00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:42,440
Speaker 5: when we step outside, because.

850
00:44:43,719 --> 00:44:44,359
Speaker 2: This is nice.

851
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:46,520
Speaker 1: Everybody outside this house is not going to be as

852
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:50,000
Speaker 1: safe and as time and as as positive and wonderful

853
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:52,600
Speaker 1: as we are. So this is how you navigate this.

854
00:44:52,680 --> 00:44:55,800
Speaker 1: I think also it's a solace for them too, Like home.

855
00:44:55,680 --> 00:45:01,920
Speaker 3: Becomes like that safe space, my safe, happy, excited like space.

856
00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:07,080
Speaker 4: Be me. Hey, I see what you did?

857
00:45:09,880 --> 00:45:10,360
Speaker 2: Oh y'all.

858
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:13,360
Speaker 6: They have this bomb Ass TOWERK class before COVID we

859
00:45:13,480 --> 00:45:16,600
Speaker 6: used to Domini have gone, and this bomb ass Tour class.

860
00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:20,520
Speaker 4: In Oakland where we go. I mean, it is so liberating.

861
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:23,439
Speaker 6: I never knew that twerking and dancing so essentially could

862
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:27,040
Speaker 6: be so liberating, and so sometimes post pictures online. I mean,

863
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:28,959
Speaker 6: we busting a while open up in there. We post

864
00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:33,240
Speaker 6: online videos, right, and people will be so judgmental online.

865
00:45:33,280 --> 00:45:35,240
Speaker 6: But what I've noticed is that a lot of people

866
00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:38,160
Speaker 6: were triggered. So a lot of women may have never

867
00:45:38,280 --> 00:45:40,319
Speaker 6: been so free in their bodies that they you know,

868
00:45:40,400 --> 00:45:42,359
Speaker 6: maybe maybe have never even had an orgasm, and they're

869
00:45:42,360 --> 00:45:44,360
Speaker 6: just like, well, that looks too pleasurable. You're having too

870
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,520
Speaker 6: much fun, this and that and that, And so the

871
00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:48,600
Speaker 6: women in the group, they create such a safe space.

872
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:51,360
Speaker 6: They close the door and they have a male guard

873
00:45:51,360 --> 00:45:54,000
Speaker 6: who's like one of the sons of the women that attends,

874
00:45:54,239 --> 00:45:57,040
Speaker 6: because men would sometimes come by and try to peek inside.

875
00:45:57,480 --> 00:45:58,759
Speaker 6: And so it just makes me think of, like what

876
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:03,439
Speaker 6: you're saying about the same space internally, so that we

877
00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:04,960
Speaker 6: know that when we go outside, like I'm not going

878
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:06,560
Speaker 6: to go to work at the bar station the way

879
00:46:06,560 --> 00:46:08,200
Speaker 6: that I'm working in class, because I know this is

880
00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:10,440
Speaker 6: a safe haven in a safe space, and people out

881
00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:12,359
Speaker 6: there are not safe. So going back to what you said,

882
00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:15,120
Speaker 6: Erica about like it requires you to have conversations with

883
00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:19,240
Speaker 6: other people sometimes about what standards you're setting for your child.

884
00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:20,719
Speaker 6: And I love how you said me that we're not

885
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:23,000
Speaker 6: living a fear over here, but we do have bound

886
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:26,000
Speaker 6: as far as like where we show up in this

887
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,480
Speaker 6: free way, if that makes sense, because of this world

888
00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:29,080
Speaker 6: that we live in.

889
00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:31,800
Speaker 1: Just to pit you back up what you said so fast.

890
00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:35,160
Speaker 1: You know, you're saying like women commenting in the comments

891
00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:38,279
Speaker 1: judging and that they probably are not comfortable on their

892
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:42,120
Speaker 1: bodies and probably have any kind of orgasms. And I

893
00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:45,279
Speaker 1: think that's such a it's so fucked up because I

894
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:49,680
Speaker 1: think we we hesitate around our own sexuality as women

895
00:46:49,719 --> 00:46:52,280
Speaker 1: because we're afraid it we're too sexual, then we hopes

896
00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:54,160
Speaker 1: and we'll be labeled as far us and then it

897
00:46:54,160 --> 00:46:57,359
Speaker 1: won't be good. But then the on the you know,

898
00:46:57,400 --> 00:47:01,120
Speaker 1: in hindsight, if you don't connect with your body, if

899
00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:03,040
Speaker 1: you don't love your body, if you don't look all

900
00:47:03,160 --> 00:47:04,759
Speaker 1: up and down your shit and be like, damn, I

901
00:47:04,800 --> 00:47:07,319
Speaker 1: look good, I feel good, I think those are the

902
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:10,560
Speaker 1: women that are more likely to be not all because

903
00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:11,799
Speaker 1: Lord knows all the women.

904
00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:14,200
Speaker 2: Everybody gets taken advantage of at some point in their life.

905
00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:18,680
Speaker 1: You have a vagina or whatever, but that if you're

906
00:47:18,719 --> 00:47:20,200
Speaker 1: not in tune with your body in that way, I

907
00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:22,359
Speaker 1: think it is harder to say no. I think it

908
00:47:22,400 --> 00:47:24,719
Speaker 1: is harder to govern over your body if you don't

909
00:47:24,719 --> 00:47:27,160
Speaker 1: feel comfortable in it. I think it's super important to

910
00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:30,520
Speaker 1: tap into, you know, all aspects of yourself, including the

911
00:47:30,560 --> 00:47:35,279
Speaker 1: sexual aspect of women. You know, feminine divine goddesses. Of

912
00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:39,760
Speaker 1: course we have sexual aspects. We give birth to babies,

913
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:42,080
Speaker 1: you know, like that's what we're supposed to do. So

914
00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:45,799
Speaker 1: if you're not in tune with that divine femininity and

915
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:49,400
Speaker 1: that sensuality and that intimacy and that sexuality in yourself,

916
00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:51,759
Speaker 1: you're cutting out a big part of yourself and how

917
00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:53,759
Speaker 1: you interact in other spaces.

918
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:58,640
Speaker 5: Yes, and I think it's so spot on that we

919
00:47:58,760 --> 00:48:01,360
Speaker 5: also have to take it back to our daughters, right

920
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:05,760
Speaker 5: and say that when we are teaching them, when we're

921
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:09,920
Speaker 5: when they're looking in the mirror and they're identifying their vagina,

922
00:48:10,239 --> 00:48:15,440
Speaker 5: also giving them permission two pleasure themselves.

923
00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:18,480
Speaker 2: Yes, you're the first person, the most important person.

924
00:48:18,520 --> 00:48:20,040
Speaker 1: You need to be in tune with that before you

925
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:22,600
Speaker 1: let somebody else come fonnel down there with thirty fingernails.

926
00:48:24,080 --> 00:48:26,799
Speaker 2: No, it's true, and we we talked about this too

927
00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:30,279
Speaker 2: on the podcast. You can talk about Oh, with Shan Booty.

928
00:48:30,080 --> 00:48:33,040
Speaker 3: So Shann Boudrim, she's a sexologist and we had her

929
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:37,240
Speaker 3: on and she was discussing like like how what happens

930
00:48:37,239 --> 00:48:39,960
Speaker 3: when your child gets caught masturbating? Like what does that

931
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,080
Speaker 3: look like? And like how do you create those boundaries?

932
00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:45,000
Speaker 3: Like close, sorry, I'm sorry, You close the door, you

933
00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:46,920
Speaker 3: tell them and you have a conversation, like you know,

934
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:49,400
Speaker 3: we do later, close the door, you know, and you

935
00:48:49,560 --> 00:48:51,280
Speaker 3: and you take your special time.

936
00:48:51,600 --> 00:48:54,920
Speaker 1: For yourself alone, always alone, always with the door closed,

937
00:48:55,200 --> 00:48:57,880
Speaker 1: always at home, you know, and it's totally fine, and

938
00:48:57,920 --> 00:49:00,960
Speaker 1: you explore and it's going to feel and that's the

939
00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:03,200
Speaker 1: really exciting part about your body.

940
00:49:03,600 --> 00:49:05,839
Speaker 2: And as you get older and anybody who you.

941
00:49:05,840 --> 00:49:08,920
Speaker 1: Let touch your body, their priority should be also to

942
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:09,600
Speaker 1: give you pleasure.

943
00:49:09,640 --> 00:49:12,719
Speaker 2: And if it's not, they don't need your body exactly.

944
00:49:13,480 --> 00:49:15,319
Speaker 6: I'm sure that when people heard that, because I feel

945
00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:17,359
Speaker 6: like for a lot of people who are not new

946
00:49:17,400 --> 00:49:19,680
Speaker 6: age parents, right, who are not in this new age parenting,

947
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:22,560
Speaker 6: they probably just that is probably mind blowing to them,

948
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:24,920
Speaker 6: like why would you teach them that? But I vividly

949
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:28,440
Speaker 6: remember like touching my vagina and being all of in

950
00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:30,920
Speaker 6: that when I was a toddler, like I remember my

951
00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:33,160
Speaker 6: mom like smacking my hand, like stop doing that, stop

952
00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:34,800
Speaker 6: doing that. And I was so curious.

953
00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:36,680
Speaker 4: I'm like, what is this thing? And it feels a

954
00:49:36,719 --> 00:49:39,440
Speaker 4: certain way when you touch yourselves, Like why not invite.

955
00:49:39,040 --> 00:49:41,760
Speaker 6: Them in and make it a conversation versus them finding

956
00:49:41,760 --> 00:49:43,480
Speaker 6: it out on their own. They have access to all

957
00:49:43,520 --> 00:49:46,040
Speaker 6: these things on the internet anyway, and then friends, and

958
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:48,040
Speaker 6: why not create that safe space.

959
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:49,600
Speaker 4: For them to learn? So I just wanted to add

960
00:49:49,640 --> 00:49:49,920
Speaker 4: that in.

961
00:49:49,880 --> 00:49:53,480
Speaker 3: There and just to go back to the creating what

962
00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:55,080
Speaker 3: it was Number two.

963
00:49:54,920 --> 00:49:56,680
Speaker 4: It was model and encourage.

964
00:49:58,040 --> 00:49:59,040
Speaker 2: You were talking about trust.

965
00:49:59,200 --> 00:50:04,600
Speaker 3: It's just like not shaming because like you, I have

966
00:50:05,320 --> 00:50:08,080
Speaker 3: felt like trust me.

967
00:50:08,160 --> 00:50:10,000
Speaker 1: Like we might be new age, but there's still like

968
00:50:10,080 --> 00:50:11,920
Speaker 1: a lot of things that I was taught that when

969
00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:13,840
Speaker 1: I see when I saw my daughter told to herself,

970
00:50:13,840 --> 00:50:16,600
Speaker 1: I was like you, like, you know you have you

971
00:50:16,640 --> 00:50:18,320
Speaker 1: still have those moments.

972
00:50:17,920 --> 00:50:21,960
Speaker 2: Like you're almost uncomfortable because you've been mothered that way. Yeah,

973
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:23,000
Speaker 2: it makes you uncomfortable.

974
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,719
Speaker 3: And it's like and again it's that moment that's like Okay,

975
00:50:26,040 --> 00:50:27,960
Speaker 3: here I am, here's the fourth in the world.

976
00:50:28,040 --> 00:50:29,120
Speaker 2: Which way am I going to go?

977
00:50:29,840 --> 00:50:32,480
Speaker 3: And it's like, am I going to take the uncomfortable route,

978
00:50:32,719 --> 00:50:34,680
Speaker 3: or am I going to take the route that feels comfortable,

979
00:50:34,680 --> 00:50:37,319
Speaker 3: which is probably going to like shame my daughter and

980
00:50:37,560 --> 00:50:39,520
Speaker 3: not ever want her to talk to me about it again.

981
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:41,360
Speaker 3: And she's going to do it in were places and

982
00:50:41,480 --> 00:50:43,520
Speaker 3: let other people do it for her, and it's not

983
00:50:43,520 --> 00:50:45,880
Speaker 3: going to be about her at all, you know, It's like, no,

984
00:50:45,920 --> 00:50:47,640
Speaker 3: I think I'll just be uncomfortable for a second.

985
00:50:48,520 --> 00:50:53,080
Speaker 5: Yeah, And I think doing that creates that builds that

986
00:50:53,160 --> 00:50:57,480
Speaker 5: trust between them between you all too, right, So being

987
00:50:57,600 --> 00:51:02,960
Speaker 5: able to see you have that uncomfortable moment because they

988
00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:06,759
Speaker 5: pick up on those slightest facial expressions and body language too, right,

989
00:51:07,400 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 5: so they can see when you have that initial shock.

990
00:51:12,920 --> 00:51:15,440
Speaker 5: But then they also get to witness the beauty of

991
00:51:15,480 --> 00:51:20,880
Speaker 5: you making that adjustment and having the conversation in a

992
00:51:20,920 --> 00:51:25,920
Speaker 5: healthy way. And so then that also models for them that,

993
00:51:26,200 --> 00:51:31,080
Speaker 5: oh wait, it's normal. It's natural that I might not

994
00:51:31,360 --> 00:51:37,680
Speaker 5: have the healthiest response right away, but I can correct

995
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:42,120
Speaker 5: it right, right, I can still give myself the second

996
00:51:42,160 --> 00:51:48,200
Speaker 5: to have that initial reaction and then come back around

997
00:51:48,239 --> 00:51:49,239
Speaker 5: in a healthy way.

998
00:51:50,320 --> 00:51:50,440
Speaker 7: Right.

999
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:53,200
Speaker 6: And Erica, you just brought us since the number five

1000
00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:55,879
Speaker 6: encouraging autonomy, I was like, ooh, we're kind of moving

1001
00:51:55,880 --> 00:51:59,320
Speaker 6: into that topic, but about talking about choices and control

1002
00:51:59,400 --> 00:52:03,000
Speaker 6: that are our children have around their body and around

1003
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:05,440
Speaker 6: just I think their person is so important because it's like,

1004
00:52:05,440 --> 00:52:08,160
Speaker 6: once you understand that you have control over this, then

1005
00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:10,799
Speaker 6: other extensions of you, So whether it's your art or

1006
00:52:10,800 --> 00:52:13,160
Speaker 6: your belongings, you can kind of exercise that as well.

1007
00:52:13,719 --> 00:52:15,960
Speaker 6: But yeah, that's spot on and a lot of I know,

1008
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:18,360
Speaker 6: I didn't have that autonomy as a child, so I

1009
00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:20,000
Speaker 6: think that's just so important.

1010
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:22,160
Speaker 4: And I wonder what kind of adults.

1011
00:52:21,719 --> 00:52:24,839
Speaker 6: We're going to be raising as we build these very

1012
00:52:24,960 --> 00:52:28,920
Speaker 6: free and autonomous individuals that how to set boundaries. And

1013
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:31,040
Speaker 6: of course they're gonna make mistakes and they'll have their

1014
00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:33,640
Speaker 6: stuff because we all have our stuff, but like, I just.

1015
00:52:33,600 --> 00:52:35,440
Speaker 4: Imagine that foundation that they'll.

1016
00:52:35,200 --> 00:52:40,400
Speaker 1: Have like that, it's just that empowerment that they're not

1017
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:44,080
Speaker 1: asking questions or just asserting yourself and.

1018
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:49,520
Speaker 3: Knowing knowing byself, you know, yes, because you were encouraged

1019
00:52:49,560 --> 00:52:52,480
Speaker 3: to do so on your own terms, and you know,

1020
00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:55,919
Speaker 3: without you know, judgment, I mean, obviously you know there's

1021
00:52:55,920 --> 00:52:58,200
Speaker 3: no perfect childhood. People are going to judge you along

1022
00:52:58,200 --> 00:53:00,279
Speaker 3: the way. There's only you're going to thought that there's

1023
00:53:00,320 --> 00:53:03,520
Speaker 3: no I can only protect. They're gonna they're gonna find out.

1024
00:53:03,680 --> 00:53:06,319
Speaker 1: Now that my daughter's school too, I've been thinking about

1025
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:09,040
Speaker 1: like the things so much I can't control while she's there,

1026
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:11,600
Speaker 1: I don't know what kind of parenting is happening because

1027
00:53:11,640 --> 00:53:13,640
Speaker 1: other kids that they're going to stow on to her

1028
00:53:14,040 --> 00:53:16,439
Speaker 1: and they're gonna say and like, I'm like, oh my god.

1029
00:53:17,400 --> 00:53:20,200
Speaker 1: All I can do is give her the empowerment now

1030
00:53:20,560 --> 00:53:22,719
Speaker 1: to be able to be like, yeah, you know my

1031
00:53:22,840 --> 00:53:25,320
Speaker 1: mommy told me that, so like shit like that.

1032
00:53:25,640 --> 00:53:28,480
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, we don't live like that over here.

1033
00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:31,839
Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah.

1034
00:53:32,440 --> 00:53:35,480
Speaker 2: Well, thank you ladies so so much for coming on

1035
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:40,800
Speaker 2: the podcast and sharing your knowledge. Yes, it's been so helpful.

1036
00:53:41,560 --> 00:53:44,680
Speaker 2: So can you tell our listeners where they can find you?

1037
00:53:45,880 --> 00:53:50,320
Speaker 5: Yes, they can find us on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter

1038
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:53,959
Speaker 5: and her Space podcast dope.

1039
00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:55,600
Speaker 7: All right, you guys, make sure you check them out

1040
00:53:55,640 --> 00:53:57,160
Speaker 7: and you know where to find us at Good Mom's

1041
00:53:57,239 --> 00:54:00,319
Speaker 7: Underscore Bad Choices on Instagram, and if you're listening right now,

1042
00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:03,120
Speaker 7: make sure you scroll all the way down to the bottom,

1043
00:54:03,600 --> 00:54:07,480
Speaker 7: leave a rating and review, and join our Patreon. I'm

1044
00:54:07,480 --> 00:54:10,240
Speaker 7: gonna end this episode with a clip from our Patreon

1045
00:54:10,800 --> 00:54:12,600
Speaker 7: Patreon has a bunch of secret.

1046
00:54:12,280 --> 00:54:14,399
Speaker 4: Episodes, sex positions.

1047
00:54:15,120 --> 00:54:18,160
Speaker 7: We interview our kids over there, get really personal. Yeah,

1048
00:54:18,200 --> 00:54:18,440
Speaker 7: we get.

1049
00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:20,200
Speaker 4: We write blog. It's basically a journal.

1050
00:54:20,239 --> 00:54:20,759
Speaker 2: It's a journal.

1051
00:54:20,880 --> 00:54:21,160
Speaker 4: It is.

1052
00:54:25,840 --> 00:54:27,319
Speaker 2: How where do babies come from?

1053
00:54:28,440 --> 00:54:32,879
Speaker 8: The from the food all you eat and they get

1054
00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:36,000
Speaker 8: when you eat a lot of food. That means they

1055
00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:39,920
Speaker 8: come in here tummy when you're adult, and and then

1056
00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:44,239
Speaker 8: the doctor takes the baby out of your tummy. The

1057
00:54:44,560 --> 00:54:48,799
Speaker 8: doctor just canser your hat and then the baby will

1058
00:54:48,840 --> 00:54:50,640
Speaker 8: be at home already.

1059
00:54:52,120 --> 00:54:53,840
Speaker 4: How do babies get in your tummy?

1060
00:54:54,160 --> 00:54:59,000
Speaker 8: Oh, you grow a plant and then the baby grows

1061
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:04,000
Speaker 8: in your belly. You mean that you eat a lot

1062
00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:07,360
Speaker 8: of food and then a baby appears.

1063
00:57:01,560 --> 00:57:17,920
Speaker 4: Assassssssss