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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we

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Speaker 1: discuss all things mental health, personal development, and all the

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Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

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Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information

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Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to

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Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to

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Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental

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Speaker 1: health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me

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Speaker 1: for session thirty two of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast.

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Speaker 1: So today I thought we'd do something a little different.

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Speaker 1: So if you've been listening for a while, then you

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Speaker 1: know the on the porch questions or when I invite

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Speaker 1: you to on the porch with me and sip a

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Speaker 1: little bit of sweet tea as we chat about some

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Speaker 1: of the issues that are concerning you. So we don't

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Speaker 1: always have questions, but today we had a couple, So

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Speaker 1: I thought I would dedicate an episode to answering a

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Speaker 1: couple of the questions that were in the inbox. If

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Speaker 1: you have questions or situations that you would like feedback about.

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Speaker 1: Definitely send those over to me. You can send those

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Speaker 1: two podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls dot com and

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Speaker 1: it might be read on the air and I'll give

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Speaker 1: you some feedback. So the first question we have, Hi,

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Speaker 1: Dr Joy. First, I want to say that I love

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Speaker 1: the podcast. It has been extremely helpful to me while

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Speaker 1: I am on myself love journey. I'm excited to know

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Speaker 1: that we finally have a safe space specifically for our

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Speaker 1: healing and growth. You're very welcome. I will be twenty

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Speaker 1: years old and about a month. I have never been

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Speaker 1: in a relationship, never had sex, and have never been

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Speaker 1: kissed my entire your life, I have been the picture

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Speaker 1: perfect child. I don't drink, smoke, or even party. I

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Speaker 1: turned out to be well rounded despite growing up without

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Speaker 1: a healthy father figure in my life. My parents separated

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Speaker 1: before I was four, and my sister's dad was in

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Speaker 1: my life until I was thirteen, when he simply just

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Speaker 1: stopped participating in my life. I held onto resentment and

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Speaker 1: anger towards him and my mother until recently when I

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Speaker 1: began to try to heal myself. I'm praying, reading and

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Speaker 1: trying to grow spiritually. But I can't help but think

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Speaker 1: that there's something missing. Every time I attempt at a relationship,

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Speaker 1: it fails. Either they don't seem to put forth effort,

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Speaker 1: they only want sex, or they just don't make time

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Speaker 1: for me. If those things don't happen, I cut them

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Speaker 1: off before I have to reveal anything about myself that

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Speaker 1: will make me vulnerable. I'm terrified of being in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: but I'm even more terrified of not ever being loved.

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Speaker 1: I tend to blame myself when things crumble. I'm pretty

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Speaker 1: sure I have some form of anxiety as I just

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Speaker 1: replay things over and over in my head, trying to

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Speaker 1: come to terms with the situation and analyzing what I

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Speaker 1: said or how I said it. I'm not easy on

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Speaker 1: myself in the least bit, so placing the blame on

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Speaker 1: others takes a while for me. I hate confrontation, so

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Speaker 1: I run when things get scary. I'm good with communicating

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Speaker 1: with my friends and I'm a pretty active listener, but

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Speaker 1: when it comes to men, all of that flies out

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Speaker 1: the window. I literally do not know how to interact

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Speaker 1: with them. I am just now learning that you can

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Speaker 1: be friends with men, because previously it seemed like they

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Speaker 1: only had one motive. I guess what I'm asking is

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Speaker 1: how much of my behavior is actually my fault as

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Speaker 1: a person, and how much of it is because I

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Speaker 1: like the father daughter relationship that is so essential to

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Speaker 1: proper development and healthy romantic relationships. And how can I

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Speaker 1: try to grow as a person despite what I feel

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Speaker 1: like I lacked in my childhood. I hope this makes sense.

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Speaker 1: I would really love your opinion on Black Daddy List Daughters.

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Speaker 1: So thank you so much for writing in again, and

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Speaker 1: thank you for all of the kind words. UM. I

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Speaker 1: do want to give you some feedback based on the

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Speaker 1: things that you've written in the letter. So the first

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Speaker 1: thing that jumped out to me was, UM, your statements

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Speaker 1: around the fact that you've never been in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: you've never had sex, you've never been kissed, you don't drink, smoke,

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Speaker 1: or really party, um, and that you have been the

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Speaker 1: picture perfect child. And so to me, it sounds like

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Speaker 1: there is something there behind that statement for you that

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Speaker 1: you thought that if you did all of these things correctly,

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Speaker 1: it equal some reward on the other end. So I

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Speaker 1: would encourage you to explore what the reward was you thought.

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Speaker 1: UM came on the other end of doing all of

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Speaker 1: those things. And I would also encourage the rest of

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Speaker 1: us to kind of think about the ways that we

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Speaker 1: sometimes set young women up for failure by making them

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Speaker 1: believe that if you do all of these things, then

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Speaker 1: an equal some other thing. Because sometimes when we get

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Speaker 1: into um encouraging people that there is only one way

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Speaker 1: to be successful, or that you have to do all

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Speaker 1: of these things to be worthy, then what happens when

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Speaker 1: you don't have these things? Does that mean that you

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Speaker 1: are not worthy? And so I think that we really

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Speaker 1: set people up for failure sometimes when we have them

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Speaker 1: believing that they have to do X, Y and z

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Speaker 1: to be worthy. So i'd encourage you listener to examine

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Speaker 1: what that means for you personally as you wrote this letter,

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Speaker 1: and encourage the rest of us to think about how

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Speaker 1: we may be putting some of these unrealistic expectations on

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Speaker 1: the young people in our lives. Okay, So that was

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Speaker 1: the first thing. The second thing that really jumped out

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Speaker 1: to me was the statement that you made about sometimes

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Speaker 1: you cut people off when you're kind of starting to

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Speaker 1: date them before you have to reveal anything about yourself

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Speaker 1: that will make you vulnerable. So I'm wondering what you're

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Speaker 1: afraid will happen if you're vulnerable, and that kind of

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Speaker 1: speaks to me that there may be some abandonment issues here.

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Speaker 1: Um and quite naturally, you know, when you have had

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Speaker 1: two male figures, male authority figures leave your life. I

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Speaker 1: think abandonment issues are are something that could naturally develop.

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Speaker 1: But I do want to encourage you to think about

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Speaker 1: what these abandonment issues look like in your life, because

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Speaker 1: the thing about them is that they typically don't just

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Speaker 1: show up in one area. They typically show up in

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Speaker 1: many areas of our lives. So sometimes it looks like

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Speaker 1: causing arguments so that we push people away before they

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Speaker 1: get too close, and then other times, like you mentioned,

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Speaker 1: we don't even let people get close so that it

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Speaker 1: doesn't hurt as bad if they leave. The hang up here, though,

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Speaker 1: is that we are never truly seen by other people.

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Speaker 1: We don't ever actually allow ourselves to be seen by

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Speaker 1: other people and for people to really know us, which

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Speaker 1: of course caused this distance right, because if you don't

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Speaker 1: really feel like you know somebody, then it feels really

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Speaker 1: hard to get close to them, and then it starts

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Speaker 1: this whole cycle of um push pull all over again,

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Speaker 1: So I wonder what would happen if you allowed yourself

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Speaker 1: to truly be seen? And I wonder if there are

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Speaker 1: areas of your life where you are more fully yourself.

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Speaker 1: So maybe in some of your friendships with girls, maybe

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Speaker 1: those are areas where you really allow yourself to kind

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Speaker 1: of show your full personality and people really do feel

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Speaker 1: like they know you. And if that is the case,

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Speaker 1: then I want you to look at how you're different

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Speaker 1: in those relationships versus the ones where you feel like

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Speaker 1: you can't be vulnerable, and are there some skills that

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Speaker 1: can be transferred over to your dating relationships? So if

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Speaker 1: you feel like you have these skills that work work

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Speaker 1: really well in your platonic girlfriend friendships, then maybe some

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Speaker 1: of those skills can be transferred over when you're dating.

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Speaker 1: So the next area I wanted to highlight was the

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Speaker 1: um section where you talked about you tend to blame

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Speaker 1: yourself when things crumble, and that it's really hard for

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Speaker 1: you to place blame on other people because you have

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Speaker 1: difficulty with confrontation. And what I want you to um

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Speaker 1: kind of think about is this word blame, right. I

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Speaker 1: think the word blame tends to carry a negative connotation.

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Speaker 1: We have really negative associations with the word blame, and

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Speaker 1: I don't know that there needs to be blame placed

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Speaker 1: on anyone. I think what you do want to do, though,

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Speaker 1: is assess accountability. So if a situation doesn't work out

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Speaker 1: the way that you wanted, UM, what part of that

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Speaker 1: can you own? So can you go back and look

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Speaker 1: at what kinds of things were actually UM problematic that

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Speaker 1: you did, and which ways did you not truly show

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Speaker 1: up in this situation, and which parts of that have

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Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. So what you want to

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Speaker 1: be careful to do is UM is to not take

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Speaker 1: on things that are not actually your issue. So you

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Speaker 1: want to own your stuff, but then leave everything else

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Speaker 1: that is not your stuff. You mentioned UM that you

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Speaker 1: feel like you are a very good communicator, So this

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Speaker 1: kind of speaks to my earlier statement that are there

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Speaker 1: some transferable skills from your friendships that you could use

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Speaker 1: with your UM dating relationship. So you mentioned being a

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Speaker 1: good communicator and that you're a pretty active listener UM,

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Speaker 1: but that you feel like all of that goes out

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Speaker 1: of the window when it comes to guys. And so

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Speaker 1: you know, like I said, can you transfer some of

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Speaker 1: those skills? And I also encourage you to start UM.

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Speaker 1: You mentioned that you hadn't have just noticed that you

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Speaker 1: can be friends with guys in your life. So are

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Speaker 1: there some guy friends who you can have platonic relationships with?

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Speaker 1: Can you have some honest conversations about UM the ways

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Speaker 1: that you're coming across you know, like what kind of

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Speaker 1: vibe do they get from you? Do you feel like

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Speaker 1: you can even be vulnerable in UM platonic friendships with men?

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Speaker 1: And I also encourage you to explore what has you

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Speaker 1: feeling that guys are so different? UM? So if these

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Speaker 1: are truly platonic friendships, meaning you know, you've not ever

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Speaker 1: had any attraction to them, they've not had any attraction

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Speaker 1: to you, why do you feel like they are so

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Speaker 1: different from your girlfriends? So just think about that a

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Speaker 1: little bit. The final thing that I wanted to UM

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Speaker 1: kind of call your attention to that you mentioned was

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Speaker 1: UM in your clothes statement, you said, how much of

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Speaker 1: my behavior is actually my fault as a person, and

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Speaker 1: how much of it is because I lack the father

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Speaker 1: daughter relationship. So I don't know that it's really about

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Speaker 1: whose fault it is. It's more about what you plan

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Speaker 1: to do about it. Now that you know these issues exist,

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Speaker 1: UM So I don't think that anybody would um dispute

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Speaker 1: you in um in in the fact that not having

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Speaker 1: a strong relationship with a father figure in your life

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Speaker 1: has likely created a lot of issues, and many of

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Speaker 1: them you have detailed in this letter. But now that

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Speaker 1: you know that those things exist, what are you going

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Speaker 1: to do about it? So it's not enough to just

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Speaker 1: say these things happened because I didn't have a relationship

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Speaker 1: with my dad, And while as awful as that is,

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Speaker 1: that doesn't have to me that that's the end for you.

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Speaker 1: So I would encourage you to find a therapist in

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Speaker 1: your area who you could work through some of these

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Speaker 1: deeper issues with, um because the hurt and resentment that

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Speaker 1: you feel are definitely legitimate. I mean, like we've said,

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Speaker 1: growing up with the dad has without a dad has

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Speaker 1: absolutely impacted you. But it doesn't have to define you.

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Speaker 1: Your story does not have to end here. UM So,

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Speaker 1: now that you know that you have these issues being

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Speaker 1: vulnerable and not feeling like you can truly show up

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Speaker 1: for yourself in relationships, then I want you to, you know,

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Speaker 1: take the next steps of doing something about that. And

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of it could actually start with

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Speaker 1: doing some really good therapy. So thank you again for

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Speaker 1: writing in. I do hope that some of that feedback

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Speaker 1: has helped you and any of our other listeners who

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Speaker 1: may be struggling with something similar. Our second letter states, Hi,

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Speaker 1: I love the show and everything you're doing for the community.

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Speaker 1: You're very welcome. I've been with this guy for the

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Speaker 1: last year and a half, and I'm starting to question

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Speaker 1: our relationship. He's so sweet, does a lot for me,

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Speaker 1: but can sometimes be a bit lazy and immature. My

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Speaker 1: friends tell me to be careful because I can't expect

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Speaker 1: him to be perfect and we have to have room

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Speaker 1: to grow. He has made a few changes to grow,

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Speaker 1: and I understand that for my age, I am an overachiever,

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Speaker 1: but I'm nervous I may be trying to grow him

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Speaker 1: up and later down the road he doesn't change and

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Speaker 1: won't be ready to make major decisions about moving forward.

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Speaker 1: What are your thoughts? Then she lists some background information.

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Speaker 1: I'm twenty six, he's twenty nine. Examples of his immaturity,

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Speaker 1: he's still living in his mother's house and never wants

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Speaker 1: to experience new things, and they're also long distance. So

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Speaker 1: thank you again for writing in. For some feedback. Um.

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Speaker 1: So the first thing that really jumped out to me

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Speaker 1: is this idea of growing someone up. So you definitely

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Speaker 1: can't grow anyone up, nor do you really want to

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Speaker 1: set up that type of dynamic in your relationship. So

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Speaker 1: what you're describing is more of a mother son relationship,

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Speaker 1: not a relationship between partners. Um. So, when we're thinking

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Speaker 1: about like growing somebody up or kind of almost here,

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Speaker 1: like raising somebody, which of course is not what you

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Speaker 1: want to be doing with your partner, that's typically a

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Speaker 1: more a parental relationship, not a relationship between partners. So

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Speaker 1: what you risk in a relationship dynamic like this when

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Speaker 1: it's more of a parental kind of thing, is that

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Speaker 1: one or both of you could end up feeling really resentful.

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Speaker 1: And at some point this also impacts the attraction level,

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Speaker 1: the romantic attraction level, because sons are not romantically attracted

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Speaker 1: to their mothers. So you want to be very careful

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Speaker 1: not to put yourself in this role. I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of us, um, Sometimes as women, we want to

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Speaker 1: be helpful and bring out the best in our partners,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes this crosses the line into mothering, which is

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Speaker 1: not our role. Our role in a partnership is not

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Speaker 1: to mother, it is to be a partner. So I

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Speaker 1: think you want to examine where this need to grow

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Speaker 1: him up comes from. UM, is this really a desire

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Speaker 1: to be helpful? Or is your self worth somehow tied

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Speaker 1: into being needed in this way by him? To think

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Speaker 1: about that for yourself. I also want to kind of,

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Speaker 1: UM give you a little bit of feedback about the

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Speaker 1: comment your friends made about UM not expecting him to

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Speaker 1: be perfect. So, of course you can't expect him to

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Speaker 1: be perfect, none of none of us are perfect, UM,

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Speaker 1: But you can't expect to have your needs met in

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Speaker 1: a relationship. So if trying new things and being adventurous

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Speaker 1: it's important to you and he refuses to do this,

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Speaker 1: then it's okay for you to do what you need

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Speaker 1: to do to have your relationship needs met. It's absolutely

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Speaker 1: okay for you to do that. The best predictor of

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Speaker 1: future behavior is past behavior, so you should assume that

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Speaker 1: most things about your partner won't change. So the question

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Speaker 1: for you and for other people who may be struggling

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Speaker 1: in this way is if he changes nothing about his

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Speaker 1: current behavior, will you still feel fulfilled in the relationship.

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Speaker 1: So some questions for you to kind of to kind

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Speaker 1: of think about as you make some decisions about this relationship.

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Speaker 1: So those were the on the porch questions we had

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Speaker 1: for today. Again, if you have a situation that you

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Speaker 1: would like some feedback about and want to get some

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Speaker 1: feedback for me, please make sure to send that over

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Speaker 1: to podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. If

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Speaker 1: you are looking for a therapist in your area, make

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Speaker 1: sure to check out our therapist directory at Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com backslash directory. And if you are

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Speaker 1: a therapist listening to the podcast and you would like

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Speaker 1: to have your information shared in the directory where people

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Speaker 1: can find you and connect with you very easily, you

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Speaker 1: can head on over to Therapy for Black Girls dot

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Speaker 1: com backslash being listed. If you are interested in being

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Speaker 1: a part of our Thrive Tribe, which is a Facebook

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Speaker 1: group where we have discussions about the episodes and other

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Speaker 1: things that are helpful in terms of Black women, um

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Speaker 1: really thriving and maintaining their mental health, head on over

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Speaker 1: to Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash tribe. And

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Speaker 1: you know, I love getting your feedback on social media.

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Speaker 1: On one of my favorite things is when you guys

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Speaker 1: share the fact that you're listening to the podcast in

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Speaker 1: your Instagram stories. So if you guys would keep on

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Speaker 1: doing that, I would really appreciate it. So, if you're

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Speaker 1: on Instagram and you are listening to the podcast on

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Speaker 1: your phone, go ahead and included in the Instagram story

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Speaker 1: so that you can share with your friends that they

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Speaker 1: should also be listening to the Therapy for Black Girls podcasts.

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Speaker 1: Make sure that you are using our hashtag tb G

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Speaker 1: in session and you can find us on Twitter at

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Speaker 1: Therapy for the Number four be Girls, and you can

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Speaker 1: find us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for Black Girls.

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Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to continuing this conversation with you all

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Speaker 1: real soon. Take good care, I oftor