1 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,480 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls Podcasts, a 2 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:13,360 Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the 3 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,480 Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible 4 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:21,160 Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hard and Bradford, 5 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:26,160 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, 6 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:30,560 Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. 7 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,479 Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning 8 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a 9 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, 10 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,559 Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session eighty of 11 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Recently, over in the 12 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,600 Speaker 1: Thrive Tribe, we've been having conversations about the double standards 13 00:00:56,600 --> 00:01:00,320 Speaker 1: that exists when we talk about women's versus men's sexuality 14 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:03,720 Speaker 1: and sexual exploration. So I wanted to bring on an 15 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:07,760 Speaker 1: expert to help us unpack this issue. For today's episode, 16 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 1: I'm joined by Shamira Howard. Shamira is a licensed clinical 17 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:18,760 Speaker 1: social worker, sexiologist, therapist, and owner of Conquest Counseling, a 18 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:22,720 Speaker 1: private practice in Louisiana where she specializes in sex and 19 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:28,080 Speaker 1: relationship therapy. Shamira also provides sex and intimacy consulting for 20 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:33,039 Speaker 1: persons outside of Louisiana. She helps people deal with sexual issues, 21 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:38,480 Speaker 1: have amazing sex, and create their best relationships. Shamira and 22 00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:42,479 Speaker 1: I discussed why this double standard exists, how black women 23 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,959 Speaker 1: can be more active in exploring their sexuality, her thoughts 24 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,320 Speaker 1: about friends with benefits, and of course, she shared her 25 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 1: favorite resources. If you hear something while listening that really 26 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:56,120 Speaker 1: strikes you, please share it with us on social media 27 00:01:56,240 --> 00:02:02,400 Speaker 1: using the hashtag TVG in session. Here's our conversation. Thank 28 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,000 Speaker 1: you so much for joining us today, Smyer, thank you 29 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 1: for having me. So I'm excited to have you here 30 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,280 Speaker 1: because we had a very lively conversation in the Thrive 31 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:14,400 Speaker 1: Tribe a couple of weeks ago, um for people who 32 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:17,800 Speaker 1: are interested in becoming, you know, like more sexually free, 33 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:21,320 Speaker 1: like women who are just interested in maybe sleeping with 34 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:25,000 Speaker 1: different people or you know, just embracing their sexuality. And 35 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,079 Speaker 1: so I wanted to make sure that we continue the 36 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,440 Speaker 1: conversation on the podcast and bringing an expert to talk 37 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,280 Speaker 1: about like what kinds of things we need to be 38 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:36,519 Speaker 1: paying attention to and how we can be more supportive 39 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,600 Speaker 1: of ourselves and each other in terms of like exploring 40 00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:44,440 Speaker 1: our sexual freedom. That's an amazing topic. Yeah, I'm excited, 41 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 1: and I know you're excited saying I know the listeners 42 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,040 Speaker 1: will be excited, but but I do want to start 43 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,800 Speaker 1: kind of by talking about what are some of the 44 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 1: things that you think get in the way of Black 45 00:02:55,480 --> 00:03:00,520 Speaker 1: women actually exploring their sexual freedom. Well, they're are so 46 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,919 Speaker 1: many things that get in the way. So, for example, 47 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,280 Speaker 1: the double standards. There are lots of double standards that 48 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:10,720 Speaker 1: we as women, especially Black women, are made to feel 49 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,880 Speaker 1: shamed about when it comes to sex. So men they're 50 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 1: encouraged to be sexually explorative and women were kind of 51 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:23,360 Speaker 1: shamed for being sexually explorative. There are also reasons of religion, 52 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:28,600 Speaker 1: personal reasons, cultural and societal norms and views that we 53 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,440 Speaker 1: subscribe to, and some of the things that we tell 54 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:35,040 Speaker 1: ourselves that also hold us back. There's also the notion 55 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 1: that you know, we aren't really taught much about our bodies. 56 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,640 Speaker 1: A lot of people that I work with in our 57 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: communities aren't really sexually explorative. So I've talked to people 58 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,920 Speaker 1: who have issues with orgasm, who have issues letting go 59 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 1: throughing sex, and it's because of all of those things 60 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:55,320 Speaker 1: that I previously mentioned, and more we're not as sexually open, 61 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: so we're kind of repressed sexually as a culture, especially 62 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,960 Speaker 1: our women. Okay, So that I think brings up an 63 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: interesting point about what do you think we could be doing? Maybe? 64 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,320 Speaker 1: And and a lot of this I know starts in childhood, right, 65 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: because that is lots of messages very early on about 66 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,120 Speaker 1: lots of different things, right, other things do you think 67 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,919 Speaker 1: we could be doing earlier on? Even in terms of 68 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,679 Speaker 1: parentings that kind of you know, make sure that people 69 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,599 Speaker 1: feel okay to kind of understand that, like it's okay 70 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:27,280 Speaker 1: to receive pleasure from sexual activity. What kinds of things 71 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,200 Speaker 1: do you think we could be doing for like our 72 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:33,400 Speaker 1: younger kids, exactly what you just just said. So I 73 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 1: often talk to people about normalizing pleasure first understanding that 74 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:42,640 Speaker 1: we're sexual beings and normalizing pleasure, normalizing our sexuality, and 75 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:47,359 Speaker 1: allowing us the space to be sexual beings. So I 76 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,160 Speaker 1: tell parents is all the time, they're like, when do 77 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:51,600 Speaker 1: we start talking about sex? I'm like too, they're like two, 78 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,720 Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, two years old, Like, how do you 79 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,279 Speaker 1: talk to your two year old about sex? So, you 80 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,640 Speaker 1: know the reason I said to it, because it's that's 81 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 1: is usually the age when um children start recognizing their genitalia, 82 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,080 Speaker 1: their their body parts. So a lot of times we 83 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,000 Speaker 1: start potty training, that's a good time to start giving 84 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,560 Speaker 1: kids control of their body, allowing them to use the 85 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:15,039 Speaker 1: bathroom by themselves, closing the door, using correct names for 86 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,919 Speaker 1: body parts in its vagina volva. I know, you know, 87 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:22,119 Speaker 1: we're just getting into the habit of using volva because 88 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,039 Speaker 1: we kind of use vagina interchangeably, but using the correct 89 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:30,039 Speaker 1: term anology, and then using other age appropriate behaviors as 90 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,720 Speaker 1: we go further talking about it in our household. Normalizing 91 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:38,040 Speaker 1: intimacy if we are partnered, being intimate with our partner, 92 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,760 Speaker 1: and I don't mean break out into a full sex 93 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,080 Speaker 1: session in front of your kids, but what I mean 94 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,120 Speaker 1: is hugging, kissing, petting, stuff like that, so that that 95 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:48,880 Speaker 1: can be normalized already in our childhood. Yeah, And I 96 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: think a lot of times when parents here and stuff 97 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,640 Speaker 1: like that, they wonder, like, oh, does that mean like 98 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 1: my kid's gonna go to school and like do that 99 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,719 Speaker 1: same kind of thing right? That definitely isn't necessarily what 100 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,120 Speaker 1: is happening. Absolutely not, And a lot of parents think 101 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,000 Speaker 1: as soon as they start talking to their kids about 102 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 1: sex that they're gonna want to start having sex, and 103 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,320 Speaker 1: even the research doesn't support that. It actually says the opposite. 104 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: Parents who talked to their kids about sex, the kids 105 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,039 Speaker 1: actually delayed the time they start and they're able to 106 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,479 Speaker 1: make better choices about sex. And it doesn't mean that 107 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,960 Speaker 1: they're gonna start going to school and doing that. However, 108 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,120 Speaker 1: we have to understand that some behavior is age appropriate 109 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:27,160 Speaker 1: according to children's development. So some children are going to 110 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 1: find other kids are going to touch up to kids 111 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 1: at three four years old because developmentally, that's what children do. 112 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,760 Speaker 1: And there's a great resource to help you talk to 113 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:41,359 Speaker 1: your children about sex and understanding age appropriate sexual behaviors. 114 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 1: It's called sex Positive Families. So that is a great 115 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:48,479 Speaker 1: resource to help us and others learn more about what's 116 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 1: appropriate and what's age appropriate for children's sexuality. So a 117 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,720 Speaker 1: lot of times, um and in this conversation that we 118 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,680 Speaker 1: were having in the Thrive tribe, we were talking about, 119 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,600 Speaker 1: you know, kinds of things do you need to do 120 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:05,320 Speaker 1: to develop your hatation so to speak. So that's a 121 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,400 Speaker 1: term that of course came from from the insecure right 122 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:12,400 Speaker 1: when was talking about we start her hotation. Yeah, things 123 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:14,840 Speaker 1: do should you kind of be mindful of, Like if 124 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,960 Speaker 1: you're somebody who says, Okay, I feel like I want 125 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,800 Speaker 1: to kind of go out and hang out and sleep 126 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,080 Speaker 1: with other people. On what kinds of things you need 127 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,640 Speaker 1: to be mindful about. First of all, you know, I'm 128 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,200 Speaker 1: gonna say this before I say anything, safety, So I 129 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:30,040 Speaker 1: always talk about safety. So before we start our holtation, 130 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,080 Speaker 1: we want to make sure that we're safe. We want 131 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 1: to make sure that if we're practicing this safely. A 132 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,320 Speaker 1: lot of times, the reason why people don't get into 133 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,360 Speaker 1: this haltation phases because, like we talked about earlier, the 134 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 1: double standards and and the shame that comes along with it. 135 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,040 Speaker 1: So we want to destigmatize that. We want people to understand. 136 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,119 Speaker 1: We want to take that power away from people telling 137 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 1: us that we're devalued or that we aren't of value 138 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,320 Speaker 1: because we want to go out and have or to 139 00:07:56,440 --> 00:08:00,800 Speaker 1: be sexually explorative. So first understand what you're purposes, Like 140 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,840 Speaker 1: if this is what you want to do, is this 141 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,440 Speaker 1: is a part of your dating regimen, Is it's just 142 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,640 Speaker 1: something that you want to experience. Understand what it is 143 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,920 Speaker 1: you want to do. Understand ways to protect yourself sexually 144 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:15,920 Speaker 1: you know, from um wanted pregnancy then unwanted s t 145 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,800 Speaker 1: I S and s T d s. And also to 146 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 1: be transparent about it. That's another avenue that we need 147 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: to take. This transparency allowing other people to make the 148 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,680 Speaker 1: choice or to have a choice in our choices, which 149 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,960 Speaker 1: means so if you decide, hey, you know, I'm just 150 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,080 Speaker 1: out here having casual sex with people and you're just 151 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,199 Speaker 1: another person that I want to have sex with, then 152 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,680 Speaker 1: I think it's important for us to let our partners 153 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,280 Speaker 1: know that. Okay, so being honest that this is something 154 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,839 Speaker 1: casual and I'm not expecting anything exclusive here or at 155 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:48,240 Speaker 1: end that I may be sleeping with other people. Absolutely 156 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,440 Speaker 1: got you? Got you? So I think something else that 157 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,080 Speaker 1: comes up around this is the whole idea of like 158 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 1: can you really do this without catching feelings? Like, you know, 159 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,320 Speaker 1: I think a lot in kind of pop culture, and 160 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:01,959 Speaker 1: you know, like I think just as a part of 161 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,960 Speaker 1: like what we just talked about every day with each 162 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: other is like women can't really have sex with people 163 00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 1: without catching feelings? So is that true? Wells that that's 164 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,560 Speaker 1: perspective and that's all individually based. So there are some 165 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:19,040 Speaker 1: people who say they can't even have sex without having 166 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,800 Speaker 1: an emotional connection to the person that they're having sex with, 167 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,360 Speaker 1: and so we refer to these people as dimni sexual. 168 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:26,800 Speaker 1: They have to have an emotional connection in order to 169 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 1: feel open enough and comfortable enough to have sex. And 170 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,160 Speaker 1: it's good to know that if this is you. It's 171 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,280 Speaker 1: good to know that this is you. There are some 172 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,040 Speaker 1: people who don't realize that once they start having sex 173 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,319 Speaker 1: that there is an emotional component, or they might become 174 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:44,080 Speaker 1: emotionally attached to someone. However, on the flip side, there 175 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 1: are some people who can have sex with no ties 176 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,440 Speaker 1: and no strings attached and have sex with you, go 177 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,840 Speaker 1: right on about their business, and have sex with somebody 178 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,040 Speaker 1: else and go right on about their business. So it's 179 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:58,319 Speaker 1: important to know who you are. It's important to know 180 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,679 Speaker 1: if you think you're gonna come emotionally attached to someone, 181 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,240 Speaker 1: that this might not be the avenue for you to take. 182 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,760 Speaker 1: You might not be a person who's out for casual sex, right. 183 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,160 Speaker 1: So really it kind of comes down to knowing yourself absolutely, 184 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,000 Speaker 1: doing you know, like your history, like historically, like how 185 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,120 Speaker 1: has this been for you? Is this something that you 186 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,280 Speaker 1: really want to do for yourself? Absolutely? But that's also 187 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:23,400 Speaker 1: a benefit of going through this hootation. As you said, so, 188 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,440 Speaker 1: one of the benefits of doing is is it helps 189 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 1: you to develop your sexual self. It helps you to 190 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,600 Speaker 1: be able to see what type of person you'd like 191 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,720 Speaker 1: to date, what type of person you are dating, what 192 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 1: your dating style is, and what your relationship style is 193 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:39,080 Speaker 1: as well. So doing that it also you know, it 194 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,559 Speaker 1: gives you insight and helps you develop your own self 195 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:45,679 Speaker 1: and sexual self concepts. Okay, are there other benefits you think, like, 196 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,120 Speaker 1: what other kind of things can come of of something 197 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,680 Speaker 1: like this? Oh? Absolutely, And there's a research study that 198 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:55,280 Speaker 1: shows the benefits of being sexually explorative for women. It 199 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,920 Speaker 1: shows that people who are sexually open, they're able to 200 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,960 Speaker 1: deal with stress better, they have better memory um and 201 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:06,600 Speaker 1: in older adults, their everyday memory improves, their everyday functioning 202 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:10,480 Speaker 1: is improved, they have different heightened creativity. There's even some 203 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:14,240 Speaker 1: research that shows a decrease in racial prejudice for people 204 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:18,120 Speaker 1: who are sexually open or sexually explorative. It also helps 205 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:23,400 Speaker 1: you and again identifying your sexual self concept, what your 206 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 1: sexual values are, your needs, your preferences, the ways that 207 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:30,080 Speaker 1: you like to experience and express your sexuality. Also what 208 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,240 Speaker 1: type of sexual partners you want what type of sexual 209 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:36,559 Speaker 1: activities you like. So it definitely is helpful in helping 210 00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:40,800 Speaker 1: you to measure what your sexual identity is. And the 211 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:45,880 Speaker 1: only way to develop your sexual identity is through sexual exploration. Okay, 212 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,160 Speaker 1: so I think some people maybe kind of hung up 213 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 1: so I don't necessarily Maybe this is a question to 214 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:54,080 Speaker 1: ask you. Do you feel like everybody has to go 215 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,880 Speaker 1: through this phase? No, that's the other side to this, 216 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,600 Speaker 1: So everybody doesn't go through this phase, nor does everyone 217 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 1: have to go through this phase. But I do think 218 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,719 Speaker 1: that and the research shows that in order for us 219 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:09,360 Speaker 1: to get an idea of what our sexual identity is, 220 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,320 Speaker 1: we have to be sexually explorative, like you know, we 221 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,080 Speaker 1: have to have that type of sexual experience. But that 222 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,440 Speaker 1: doesn't mean you have to go through as we call 223 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,959 Speaker 1: it a hotation early and having multiple different sexual partners. 224 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,480 Speaker 1: You can have this exploration phase. Also, you can do 225 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:27,640 Speaker 1: this with one consistent partner as well. Okay, so yeah, 226 00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:29,360 Speaker 1: so I think that that is what people may have 227 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,360 Speaker 1: been confused about, that you don't necessarily have to go 228 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,319 Speaker 1: through the whole phase. Again, that's something people call it 229 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,240 Speaker 1: um but but it's totally okay if you want to 230 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 1: write but It doesn't mean that it's like a like 231 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:42,800 Speaker 1: a write of passage kind of thing, right, Like, if 232 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,480 Speaker 1: you don't ever get to a place in your life 233 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,480 Speaker 1: where you feel like you want to maybe hang out 234 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,800 Speaker 1: and sleep with a bunch of people, then you don't 235 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,880 Speaker 1: have to. But there does need to be some sexual 236 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,080 Speaker 1: exploration for you to really be in touch with what 237 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:58,560 Speaker 1: kinds of things you do like sexually. Absolutely absolutely, And 238 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,640 Speaker 1: that's the problem that many women have, which is why 239 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:04,520 Speaker 1: many women have issues with orgasm, because they are not 240 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:08,040 Speaker 1: in touch with their sexual selves and they don't know 241 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,240 Speaker 1: their bodies. They don't know what turns them all, what 242 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,200 Speaker 1: turns them off. And then we get into these relationships 243 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,120 Speaker 1: with people and there's this expectation that the person you're 244 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:19,560 Speaker 1: in a relationship with, should we start shooting on people, 245 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,520 Speaker 1: they should know how to please you, they should know 246 00:13:22,559 --> 00:13:24,719 Speaker 1: how to bring me to orgasms. They're like, well, how 247 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 1: should they know if you don't know? So it's definitely 248 00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:31,240 Speaker 1: it's there's a benefit to being sexually explorative, but doesn't 249 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,840 Speaker 1: mean you have to go through a whole face to 250 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,199 Speaker 1: do that, got it? So what other ways? Um, you 251 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:39,920 Speaker 1: talked a little bit Shamira about like sexual values how 252 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,280 Speaker 1: might we begin to like identify that for ourselves. So 253 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,920 Speaker 1: sexual values, we kind of develop our own sexual values 254 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:51,640 Speaker 1: again in childhood, based on our family, cultural norms, societal norms, 255 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,640 Speaker 1: and things that we tell ourselves growing up, things that 256 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:58,960 Speaker 1: we see. But I think it's important to develop our 257 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 1: own sexual are used by the things that we want 258 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:05,320 Speaker 1: to do, what we feel comfortable with, and understanding that 259 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 1: our sexuality one is our business and we're sexual beings. 260 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,600 Speaker 1: So there are some ways that we can find out 261 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:15,400 Speaker 1: what our sexual values are. Again, first understanding that your 262 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:19,080 Speaker 1: sexuality is the most important to you. It's your own business, 263 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,760 Speaker 1: and you are born a sexual being. And if there's 264 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,120 Speaker 1: any shame, a lot of people don't get to develop 265 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,720 Speaker 1: their sexual selves because there's a lot of shame around sexuality, 266 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 1: especially for women. So women are taught to withhold the sex. 267 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 1: Men are encouraged to have lots of sex. Right, So 268 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,440 Speaker 1: if there's a lot of shame around your sexuality, you 269 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,960 Speaker 1: have to figure out where that shame is coming from. 270 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,080 Speaker 1: Is it coming from family, is it coming from friends, 271 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,600 Speaker 1: Is it coming from things that you're telling yourself about yourself? 272 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,080 Speaker 1: And it is this stuff true and what matters most 273 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:54,000 Speaker 1: to you? So what matters most, what do you want? 274 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,840 Speaker 1: So how do you want to express your sexuality? Is 275 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: it the way you're currently doing it? Is it another way? Why? 276 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,760 Speaker 1: And if you're doing what you truly want to do, 277 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,360 Speaker 1: then that's your sexual values because there's no shame attached 278 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,360 Speaker 1: to anything that you do when it's something that you 279 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,720 Speaker 1: truly want to do. And the last thing is to 280 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 1: take ownership and own your sexuality. So asking for what 281 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:20,920 Speaker 1: you want is important, Exploring yourself is important, Understanding and 282 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:24,880 Speaker 1: connecting with your body intentionally is important, and teaching others 283 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:28,200 Speaker 1: how to please you is important as well. So you 284 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,760 Speaker 1: have given us some great information from Mara, and I 285 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,440 Speaker 1: do want to kind of just go back to this 286 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,560 Speaker 1: whole point that you made just now about telling other 287 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,080 Speaker 1: people are teaching them how to please you, because I 288 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 1: think a lot of times as women, we have difficulty 289 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,720 Speaker 1: with like a sort of communication even outside of the bedroom, 290 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,880 Speaker 1: right a lot of times, and so I think this 291 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,160 Speaker 1: is just another layer like this. I think for a 292 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,840 Speaker 1: lot of people would feel very uncomfortable. So can you 293 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,760 Speaker 1: talk to us a little bit about like what that 294 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,520 Speaker 1: looks like, like how you can actually talk to your 295 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaker 1: partner about like what you like absolutely. So you you 296 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,000 Speaker 1: don't know what you like unless you know what you 297 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:05,320 Speaker 1: like right, So first you'll have to explore yourself. Now, 298 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,600 Speaker 1: there's a book that I love to recommend to women 299 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 1: and people who are in relationships with women. It's called 300 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,840 Speaker 1: Come as You Are and it's by Emily A Goal. 301 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,200 Speaker 1: Skin out of that book is really good and helping 302 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,640 Speaker 1: you understand anatomy, and it's you know, there's a lot 303 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,840 Speaker 1: of science in it as well, but there are activities 304 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,880 Speaker 1: that the book lends itself or the book gives out 305 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,040 Speaker 1: that you can help to explore yourself. So unless you 306 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,280 Speaker 1: know how to please yourself, you can't talk to anybody 307 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,480 Speaker 1: else about doing it. So you have to get really 308 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:37,080 Speaker 1: comfortable with your own body. If not a conversation around 309 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,400 Speaker 1: sex and talking to somebody about how to please you, 310 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 1: it's going to be very uncomfortable if it happens at all. 311 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:47,160 Speaker 1: So being one with yourself first is gonna be very important, 312 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,520 Speaker 1: and being able to talk to people about how to 313 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:53,000 Speaker 1: please you. So you know, if you're masturbating, which I 314 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,600 Speaker 1: recommend for women, it's to masturbate, get a mirror and 315 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:59,240 Speaker 1: look at your volver, examine it, touch it in different 316 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:02,400 Speaker 1: places to see you know, the different sensations of different 317 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,760 Speaker 1: fields to see how you like it. Touch yourself, masturbate 318 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:09,280 Speaker 1: with yourself. If you have a partner, explore mutual masturbation 319 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,520 Speaker 1: but you don't want to verbalize it. You can start 320 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,439 Speaker 1: off by physically showing your partner where to touch you 321 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,520 Speaker 1: and how to touch you, and you can warm up 322 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,000 Speaker 1: to being more verbal with it by saying touch me 323 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:22,159 Speaker 1: more here, or less touch here, or more pressure in 324 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:26,800 Speaker 1: this area. So I recommend first and foremost that people 325 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,880 Speaker 1: get really comfortable with themselves first before trying to tell 326 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:34,000 Speaker 1: someone else how to please there. You gotta know how 327 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,640 Speaker 1: to please you first. Very important. So you also mentioned 328 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,920 Speaker 1: Shamira like the whole issue with like orgasm, So what 329 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:44,280 Speaker 1: what exactly is happening in terms of like maybe clients 330 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,840 Speaker 1: you've worked with who are having difficulty having orgasms or 331 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,720 Speaker 1: you know, don't feel like it's pleasurable. So again we 332 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 1: go back to shame when we're talking about orgasm. With 333 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,080 Speaker 1: with women's bodies and the volva in the vagina, a 334 00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:59,720 Speaker 1: lot of women are ashamed. And I was shocked to 335 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,000 Speaker 1: find this out when I first started doing this years ago, 336 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,080 Speaker 1: that a lot of women didn't like their evolvers in 337 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,159 Speaker 1: their vagina, and a lot of women are ashamed by it. 338 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,520 Speaker 1: There is a lot of shame that's put out into 339 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:13,760 Speaker 1: society about vagina. So we have commercials telling us that 340 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,040 Speaker 1: we need to smell better. We have people telling us 341 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,280 Speaker 1: that we don't smell good, so there's a lot of 342 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:23,160 Speaker 1: embarrassment as well. So a lot of people aren't embracing 343 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,680 Speaker 1: their evolvers in their vaginas as they should be because 344 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,120 Speaker 1: and I don't want to shoot on people, but there 345 00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:30,080 Speaker 1: are people telling us that we need to be put 346 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,919 Speaker 1: in dish, we need to be watching with this, we 347 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,880 Speaker 1: need to be inserting this, and that couldn't be further 348 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:38,040 Speaker 1: from the truth. That could actually be more harmful than helpful. 349 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 1: So there's a lot of shame around women's orgasms and 350 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:46,320 Speaker 1: women's bodies, and we adopt that shame and their first 351 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 1: we've got to get rid of that shame. So in 352 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:52,040 Speaker 1: order to do that, we've got to understand where the 353 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,680 Speaker 1: source of the shame comes from. We've got to understand 354 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,800 Speaker 1: that our sexuality is of course, again our business and 355 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,879 Speaker 1: most important to us as we're sexual beings. But I'm 356 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:05,040 Speaker 1: also finding that a lot of women, especially black women, 357 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,679 Speaker 1: aren't really open to receiving, and in order we have 358 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,480 Speaker 1: an orgasm, you've gotta be open to pleasure. You've got 359 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,800 Speaker 1: to be open to receiving. A lot of us are 360 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,239 Speaker 1: really hard in that way, and that we find it 361 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,440 Speaker 1: really hard to loosen up into be receptive to pleasure, 362 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,320 Speaker 1: so that blocks orgasm. And a lot of people don't 363 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,440 Speaker 1: know how to touch themselves. So I spend a lot 364 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:28,120 Speaker 1: of time educating women on ways to masturbate in order 365 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:31,600 Speaker 1: to bring themselves to orgasm. That definitely sounds like helpful information, 366 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,560 Speaker 1: And I do think it's important pay attention to, like 367 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 1: you said, like all of the messages we get, like 368 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,200 Speaker 1: in the media and just from everywhere about like how 369 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,520 Speaker 1: it's dirty and lean this, and it wants to smell 370 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:47,080 Speaker 1: like a flower, and you know it doesn't want to 371 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,199 Speaker 1: sound like a flower. That we're not a flower. We 372 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:54,520 Speaker 1: don't flower. SMEs like a bolber. And unless you have 373 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,880 Speaker 1: some type of infection, the way your evolving smells, it's 374 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,480 Speaker 1: probably fine. It depends on allow your hygiene habits, It 375 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:05,560 Speaker 1: depends on your natural flora. So a lot of people 376 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,560 Speaker 1: might smell from earthy to strong. Now, if you have 377 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:12,119 Speaker 1: a foul or fishy smell. Then it's definitely an indication 378 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,560 Speaker 1: that something might be off, and that's nothing to be 379 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:19,240 Speaker 1: embarrassed about because that's common, and it's usually a bacterial infection, 380 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,480 Speaker 1: of bacterial vaginosis, and lots of women get these. It's 381 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,639 Speaker 1: one of the absolute it's the number one most common 382 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:29,760 Speaker 1: infection for people with vaginas. Doctors and scientists are still 383 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:33,840 Speaker 1: trying to figure out what's the phenomenon behind bacterial vaginosis 384 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,000 Speaker 1: or b V or bacterial infections because they still don't 385 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,520 Speaker 1: know what the cause of it is. We just know 386 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,320 Speaker 1: that it's it's something throws off our pH balance. So 387 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:44,160 Speaker 1: it could be sex partners, it could be washing powder, 388 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,879 Speaker 1: it could be soaked. So we want to be really 389 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:50,240 Speaker 1: careful with the messages that we receive and we allow 390 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:53,200 Speaker 1: ourselves to believe about our evolves and vaginas. And if 391 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,320 Speaker 1: there is an issue, go to your kind of colleges. 392 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:58,080 Speaker 1: That's what they're there for. Get you a doctor. There's 393 00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:00,080 Speaker 1: nothing to be ashamed about. They already know. If you 394 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:01,240 Speaker 1: go in there and you say, look, I got a 395 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,240 Speaker 1: real foul smell, a lot of times they might say, well, 396 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,080 Speaker 1: it might be nothing, but world do a culture just 397 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,320 Speaker 1: to check. So that's one of the reasons why people 398 00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:12,399 Speaker 1: are so self conscious about the volver and orgasm and 399 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:14,680 Speaker 1: being able to let go is because all of these 400 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,600 Speaker 1: messages that we're getting about our volvers don't help, right, 401 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,360 Speaker 1: So we have to kind of break through you all 402 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,560 Speaker 1: of that messaging before we can get to like you 403 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:24,159 Speaker 1: talked about, like our own sexual values, about how we 404 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,920 Speaker 1: really feel about it. Absolutely, because if you keep hearing 405 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:32,800 Speaker 1: about how bad this thing is, then you're gonna gonna 406 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,879 Speaker 1: it's gonna be something that you think about. And I 407 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,480 Speaker 1: tell people all the time, Okay, if it's so bad, 408 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:39,760 Speaker 1: then why are people always after it? It's not that bad, 409 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 1: like they want to use women for sexual consumption. But 410 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:46,120 Speaker 1: when we embrace our own sexuality, then it becomes a problem. 411 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:50,000 Speaker 1: So that's a message there in itself that it's it's okay. 412 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,560 Speaker 1: So what other things do you think are important to 413 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:56,120 Speaker 1: Mara in terms of people being able to explore their 414 00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:58,359 Speaker 1: sexuality or there are other things that we haven't talked 415 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:00,760 Speaker 1: about that you feel like, oh, yeah, this thing really 416 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,879 Speaker 1: is something that I see that causes a lot of 417 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,440 Speaker 1: life hiccups for clients. You know, outside of the societal 418 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:10,200 Speaker 1: and cultural values and norms. Of course, there's religion, so 419 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:11,919 Speaker 1: a lot of people have a lot of shame and 420 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,520 Speaker 1: guilt from religion. My work with a lot of people 421 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 1: who they'll say, you know, I really want to have sex, 422 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,240 Speaker 1: but I'm of this religion and that's kind of like 423 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:23,119 Speaker 1: not acceptable, and we kind of work through that shame 424 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,239 Speaker 1: and guilt, and I give them resources to help them 425 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,440 Speaker 1: deal with the shame around that as well, and helping 426 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:32,800 Speaker 1: them to understand that, you know, embracing your sexuality is 427 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,600 Speaker 1: not just about the act of sex, but it's about 428 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,480 Speaker 1: becoming familiar with your whole self. So a lot of 429 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:42,960 Speaker 1: people have not had the chance to understand who they 430 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:47,159 Speaker 1: are sexually because of these messages that we get like, Okay, 431 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,040 Speaker 1: you're person who's gone female, so you're like meals and 432 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,879 Speaker 1: you're supposed to have sex when you get married, and 433 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:55,199 Speaker 1: that's just that. So a lot of people aren't subscribing 434 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:57,359 Speaker 1: to with their own values and their own thoughts are 435 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,679 Speaker 1: so they don't even know who they are sexually, and 436 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,080 Speaker 1: by the time they get up an age, they're like, oh, 437 00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:05,359 Speaker 1: I've not had a chance to experience that. And you 438 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,760 Speaker 1: often hear people saying, oh, I always knew that there 439 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,800 Speaker 1: was something wrong with me, or I always knew that 440 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:14,000 Speaker 1: I wasn't this person, And it's because they never got 441 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,000 Speaker 1: a chance to really explore who they wanted to be. 442 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,240 Speaker 1: And a lot of people realize that, hey, I'm not mononymous, 443 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:21,680 Speaker 1: or I don't like this, or I don't like that. 444 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,520 Speaker 1: So I think it's important for us to understand that 445 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,160 Speaker 1: we need to become familiar with our whole self, right, 446 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 1: and embracing sexual exploration is not just about the act 447 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:37,400 Speaker 1: of intercourse, but it's about accepting yourself, your whole identity 448 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:40,280 Speaker 1: and what you hope to experience or what you hope 449 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,480 Speaker 1: to gain out of the sexual experience. And it helps 450 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 1: you to feel alive as well because you get to 451 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:49,320 Speaker 1: make your own choices, your own values. That's a great 452 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:51,800 Speaker 1: point because I do think when people hear the term 453 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:55,600 Speaker 1: sexuality they automatically think about like penetration or you know, 454 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:57,800 Speaker 1: something like that, as opposed to the way that you 455 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,000 Speaker 1: just explained it, like they're all these different um components 456 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,119 Speaker 1: wrapped up in it that are also really important to 457 00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:07,000 Speaker 1: pay attention to. Yes. Yes, so you have already kind 458 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:09,760 Speaker 1: of started giving us some incredible resources that can't wait 459 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 1: to add these to my library. Um, so you share 460 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:15,640 Speaker 1: sex positive Families? Is that a book? Well? Sex Positive 461 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 1: Families is a website and on Instagram? Okay, I always 462 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,159 Speaker 1: and I always tell them that I've always used them 463 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:26,280 Speaker 1: as a resource whenever I'm discussing or speaking, especially to 464 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,119 Speaker 1: families and people with children, because they they're like the 465 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:32,639 Speaker 1: best resource out there that I've come across that helps 466 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:36,520 Speaker 1: people to break down age appropriate behaviors and to help 467 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 1: people become sex positive families. Okay, So that's a website 468 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:44,160 Speaker 1: and Instagram. Um, come as you are? What other books are? 469 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:48,000 Speaker 1: Podcasts or websites and things? Do you find yourself frequently suggesting? 470 00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:51,280 Speaker 1: Since we talked a lot about shame since this conversation, 471 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,120 Speaker 1: as it relates to the whole phase and women being 472 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:58,000 Speaker 1: sexually explorative, A lot of reasons why women aren't a 473 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,680 Speaker 1: sexually explorative is because of the co leut shaming and 474 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,439 Speaker 1: the embarrassment and guilt in shame that's around that. So 475 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,160 Speaker 1: to break free of the shame, we've got to understand 476 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,480 Speaker 1: where that shame comes from and how to break free. 477 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:12,600 Speaker 1: I recommend the book Daring Greatly by Burnet Brown, so 478 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:16,119 Speaker 1: that book helps us to understand shame and how to 479 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:19,040 Speaker 1: let go of some shame, not just sexual shame, but 480 00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:22,080 Speaker 1: just shame in general. Okay, So those are some of 481 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:25,520 Speaker 1: the main resources, and of course this podcast. I've always 482 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:29,720 Speaker 1: recommend Therapy for Black Girls podcasts because there's always great information. 483 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:34,720 Speaker 1: My clients even coming in their twet all this podcast. 484 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:38,440 Speaker 1: So this podcast is great, especially for our community. Thank 485 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:40,600 Speaker 1: you all right, Shamaira. So, I know that you are 486 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,639 Speaker 1: gonna get lots of information or lots of requests for 487 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,679 Speaker 1: people to want to talk to you and stuff. So 488 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:49,160 Speaker 1: where can do people find you? Okay? So I am 489 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:53,400 Speaker 1: on social media. I'm on Instagram at sexologists Shamaira. I'm 490 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:57,919 Speaker 1: also on Facebook as Sexologist Shamaira as well. My website 491 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,040 Speaker 1: for my practice is Conquest counsel and dot com, so 492 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:04,359 Speaker 1: people can follow me on social media. And it's October 493 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,440 Speaker 1: it's National Kink Month, so I'm talking about kinky stuff 494 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,439 Speaker 1: all month, so you can follow me there. And I 495 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:14,639 Speaker 1: also like to engage people, especially women, and conversations about 496 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,920 Speaker 1: their self concept because it helps them to understand themselves 497 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,520 Speaker 1: better and to see themselves as a sexual being. And 498 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,920 Speaker 1: I encourage people everyone and people who are doing this 499 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:27,320 Speaker 1: work to continue to engage women in these types of 500 00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:30,560 Speaker 1: conversations about their self concept to help them be more 501 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:34,080 Speaker 1: sex positive and to understand that they're worthy of pleasure 502 00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:36,840 Speaker 1: and sexual connection. Perfect and of course we will link 503 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,480 Speaker 1: to all of that information in the show notes. Well, 504 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,679 Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us todation, Maria. I 505 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,960 Speaker 1: really appreciate it, no problem, I appreciate you having me. 506 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,080 Speaker 1: Thank you. I'm so happy Shamira was able to share 507 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,560 Speaker 1: her expertise with us today. To check out the resources 508 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,560 Speaker 1: that she shared and to learn more about her practice, 509 00:26:55,119 --> 00:26:57,760 Speaker 1: visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot 510 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:01,400 Speaker 1: com slash Session eighty, and please make sure to share 511 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,320 Speaker 1: your takeaways from the episode in your ig stories are 512 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,639 Speaker 1: on Twitter. Be sure to use the hashtag tv G 513 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:12,159 Speaker 1: in session so that we can find them and share them. 514 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:15,000 Speaker 1: If you're looking for a therapist in your area, be 515 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,640 Speaker 1: sure to visit the therapist directory at Therapy for Black 516 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:23,120 Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash directory. Don't forget to check out 517 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:26,439 Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls merchandise store to grab a 518 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:30,480 Speaker 1: T shirt, a mug, or a sweatshirt. You can shop 519 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:34,480 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash shop. And 520 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,280 Speaker 1: if you want to continue this conversation and join a 521 00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:40,720 Speaker 1: community of other sisters who listen to the podcast. Join 522 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,480 Speaker 1: us over in the thrive tribe at Therapy for Black 523 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:47,040 Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash tribe. Make sure you answer the 524 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,200 Speaker 1: three questions that are asked to gain entry. Thank y'all 525 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,639 Speaker 1: so much for joining me again this week, and I 526 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,520 Speaker 1: look forward to continue in this conversation with you all 527 00:27:55,720 --> 00:28:14,120 Speaker 1: real soon. Take good care. I doctor oftor I oftort 528 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:26,880 Speaker 1: ptor I doctor Actor