WEBVTT - Part One: How The John Birch Society Invented The Modern Far Right 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:10.600 M uh love podcasts. I don't ship. Is that? Are 0:00:10.640 --> 0:00:14.200 we allowed to open a show that way? I don't know. Well, 0:00:14.280 --> 0:00:16.000 we did it, I'll let you do it. I didn't. 0:00:17.239 --> 0:00:23.599 God damn it. This is terrible the best I am. 0:00:23.640 --> 0:00:34.440 I am so sorry to everybody. Ye I have well 0:00:34.640 --> 0:00:37.919 as everyone can can hear now by by listening to 0:00:38.120 --> 0:00:41.920 the tremendous failure that has just occurred in everyone's earballs. Uh. 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:45.360 This is Behind the Bastards, a podcast about bad people, 0:00:45.720 --> 0:00:50.760 namely me. And my guests today are Dan and Jordan's. 0:00:51.800 --> 0:00:56.000 That's us. If I if I just said Dan, or 0:00:56.040 --> 0:00:57.600 if I just said Jordan's, I would have to be 0:00:57.600 --> 0:00:59.760 more specific. But when I say Dan and Jordan's, I 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:02.920 think everyone knows that it's it's the knowledge fight. Guys. 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:08.400 Your identity has become subsumed into your podcast, so enjoy that. 0:01:08.600 --> 0:01:11.039 It was inevitable. Yeah, it was going to happen. I 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:12.960 think a lot of people have taken to just calling 0:01:13.040 --> 0:01:17.800 us Jordan capital j capital d. Yeah, sort of a 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:23.720 combined down. I feel like they could do better. Who could? Yeah, 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:31.000 can you danger? Because it would have to be like 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:34.880 Dan or something like that. But but Jorg Dan is 0:01:34.920 --> 0:01:36.920 like I feel like it's really just like giving like 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:40.400 cloud to one name. But you're stressing that d pretty 0:01:40.400 --> 0:01:42.440 hard right in the middle, and I can appreciate that. 0:01:43.959 --> 0:01:45.840 I think it's I think it's great we're really getting 0:01:45.880 --> 0:01:48.280 into the weeds of this since they're solving it once 0:01:48.320 --> 0:01:51.240 and for all. You know, that's what people come here for, 0:01:51.520 --> 0:01:55.040 you know what. With explanation, I'll let you have it. Guys. 0:01:57.160 --> 0:02:00.440 All right, Jordan, are you ready to hear about some ship? 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:08.480 You bet? Robert yea post your podcast? So you know 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:17.440 what sucks many many many things? Uh? You know, I 0:02:17.800 --> 0:02:22.320 would say, broadly speaking, the right wing in America, the 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:28.519 Republican Party, the looming uh fascist threat that has been 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:32.960 slightly weed whacked back, but is still threatening to encroach 0:02:33.240 --> 0:02:37.200 uh and choke all of us to death uh forever. 0:02:37.600 --> 0:02:43.359 That Yeah, Engines and dragons monster. When you put it 0:02:43.480 --> 0:02:47.040 like that, it is basically a dungeons and dragons monster. 0:02:47.360 --> 0:02:52.840 So this episode is about e Gary Guy Gaxe. This 0:02:52.880 --> 0:02:56.639 episode is about so Gary Guy GaX invented dungeons and dragons. 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:59.720 This episode is about the man who invented the modern 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:02.919 Republican Party, by which I mean the Party of Donald Trump, 0:03:02.960 --> 0:03:07.000 by which I mean you know the fascists, and his 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:13.280 name was Robert Welch. You guys know who Robert Welch is. 0:03:13.400 --> 0:03:15.240 I don't know who Robert Welch is. I'm gonna I'm 0:03:15.240 --> 0:03:20.519 gonna feign ignorance for about three quarters. You definitely look 0:03:20.520 --> 0:03:23.040 at me, and did you know about Robert Welch. The 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:25.520 whole point of me is to not know about Robert. Well, 0:03:25.680 --> 0:03:28.239 you know him by a different name. Yeah, yeah, you 0:03:28.480 --> 0:03:31.000 you Jordan know him as the founder of the John 0:03:31.040 --> 0:03:35.680 Birch Society. Oh I do know him as the candy Man. Yes, Oh, 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:40.760 I do know him as the candy Man. Oh shit, candy. 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:43.760 So if you haven't heard of the John Birch Society, 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:48.480 they're loosely speaking, why we got President Ronald Reagan, President 0:03:48.480 --> 0:03:51.560 Donald Trump, and the whole ecosystem of right wing grifters 0:03:51.560 --> 0:03:53.920 who make money off of convincing their fans that everybody 0:03:54.040 --> 0:03:56.600 on the left is part of a Marxist conspiracy, like 0:03:56.720 --> 0:03:59.360 the idea that Joe Biden is a is a Communist agent, 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:02.200 which are are good friend of the pod Alex Jones 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:06.480 brings up repeatedly, is a descendant of a John Birch 0:04:06.560 --> 0:04:09.119 Society talking point or at least a family of those 0:04:09.120 --> 0:04:12.280 talking points. So that's that's the guy we're talking about today, 0:04:12.400 --> 0:04:17.400 Bob Welch, founder the John Birch Society. Yeah, dude, yeah, 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:20.040 I don't. I don't, I don't. I think, first off, 0:04:20.200 --> 0:04:22.360 my my initial sign that he's not a good guy 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:25.760 is you're talking about him. So that's that's a red 0:04:25.800 --> 0:04:29.080 flag right off the bat. And then Bob Welch, that's 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:31.840 just a that's just a right wing name. That's just 0:04:31.880 --> 0:04:35.520 what it is. Yeah, Yeah, Bob Welch is is is 0:04:36.200 --> 0:04:38.800 you'd guess that he founded some sort of society that 0:04:38.880 --> 0:04:43.320 did something terrible. So Robert H. W. Welch Jr. Which, 0:04:43.320 --> 0:04:45.520 by God, the more thorough you are with the name, 0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:48.440 the worse it sounds. Was born on a farm. Why 0:04:48.440 --> 0:04:52.000 do all these jerks have the initials h W two? Yeah, 0:04:52.000 --> 0:04:54.000 he does, he does. He's got a real George Bush 0:04:54.040 --> 0:04:56.839 fibe going on, what the hell? Well, I mean, that's 0:04:56.839 --> 0:05:01.120 how the word white starts right in their world, white white, white. 0:05:01.279 --> 0:05:05.240 I think that's what it is. I think Robert quite Welch, 0:05:05.480 --> 0:05:11.240 that actually completely You might be right. So Whitey was 0:05:11.279 --> 0:05:14.039 born on a farm in Choen County, North Carolina, on 0:05:14.080 --> 0:05:18.240 December one, eighteen ninety nine. He was a brilliant child, 0:05:18.360 --> 0:05:21.440 some might even say a genius. He could read by 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:24.840 age three, and he knew his multiplication tables by age four. 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:28.200 By age seven, he was studying Latin, and at age 0:05:28.200 --> 0:05:31.279 twelve he enrolled in the University of North Carolina. He 0:05:31.320 --> 0:05:35.440 graduated at age sixteen. Uh, and yeah, everything that happens 0:05:35.440 --> 0:05:37.480 in the story should be taking his evidence for white 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:40.200 child prodigy should be dosed with paint chips. I think 0:05:40.240 --> 0:05:43.159 that's yeah. I always feel like when I hear something 0:05:43.200 --> 0:05:45.800 like that, and I hear like someone new multiplication tables 0:05:45.800 --> 0:05:49.400 at four, I'd be like, who prove it? Yeah, I 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:52.240 would say prove it. And and if you can prove 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:54.760 that a kid is that smart, you gotta slow him 0:05:54.760 --> 0:05:57.400 down somehow. I would write to be able to quiz 0:05:57.440 --> 0:05:59.840 that four year old. I see how deep you're not 0:06:00.160 --> 0:06:03.080 to the table is? Yeah? And I think if you're 0:06:03.080 --> 0:06:05.679 a four year old with perfect knowledge of the multiplication tables, 0:06:06.360 --> 0:06:08.440 take them out of school for two years, don't let 0:06:08.520 --> 0:06:11.479 him read books, make them work on a farm. Did 0:06:11.480 --> 0:06:14.240 you write a Kurt Vonnegut short story at us? What 0:06:14.440 --> 0:06:17.839 just Happen? Look? Vonnegut was right. The problem is that 0:06:17.880 --> 0:06:22.880 people are too smart these two fast. Give them braces, 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:25.920 take them down the notch. Yeah yeah, slow them down somehow, 0:06:26.000 --> 0:06:29.440 just you know, put blinders on the kid, feed him lead, 0:06:29.560 --> 0:06:32.680 whatever it takes, and then the versus true. If you're 0:06:32.720 --> 0:06:35.000 not good at something, give them steroids and ship give 0:06:35.040 --> 0:06:37.200 him all the drugs to make them smarter. I think 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:40.320 everyone who can't do the multiplication tables by age four, 0:06:40.480 --> 0:06:45.040 mandatory steroids. Everyone who can illiterate farm in the Midwest. 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:55.520 I like it. That's my deal. Society in charge of children, Okay, 0:06:55.680 --> 0:07:00.320 so uh yeah. Bobby Welch, child prodigy, entered the Naval 0:07:00.320 --> 0:07:03.480 Academy at Annapolis in nineteen seventeen, a year when nothing 0:07:03.480 --> 0:07:06.600 else of particular interest occurred. He resigned after just two 0:07:06.680 --> 0:07:08.920 years when he decided that a military career was not 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:11.440 for him. Instead, he wanted to be a lawyer, so 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:14.200 he enrolled in Harvard Law School, but this didn't wind 0:07:14.280 --> 0:07:17.400 up working out much better for him. Robert clashed regularly 0:07:17.440 --> 0:07:21.480 with his professor's, particularly the hilariously named Felix Frankfurter, who 0:07:21.480 --> 0:07:25.480 would grow up. It's a real guy, it's a real 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:28.200 guy's name. He went on to become a Supreme Court justice. 0:07:29.600 --> 0:07:32.720 Of course, a lot of people have to overcome something 0:07:32.760 --> 0:07:34.560 in order to do something great. And I think being 0:07:34.600 --> 0:07:40.600 born with Felix, he had his handicap and it made 0:07:40.680 --> 0:07:47.640 him great. Yeah, Justice, hot dog. Yeah, because that's the hardest. 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:49.720 If you want to be the hardest, it can be 0:07:49.760 --> 0:07:52.040 too for other people to laugh at you become a 0:07:52.080 --> 0:07:55.040 Supreme Court justice, because then everybody's got to be scared 0:07:55.080 --> 0:07:57.480 one way or the other. You're gonna terrify half the 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:03.360 population if it pleases the hot dog. Oh god, oh god, 0:08:03.400 --> 0:08:07.160 I'm so sorry. Please don't take away my reproductive health care. 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:12.440 In the case of Hines versus the United States, he's 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:15.880 gonna have to recuse himself. He cannot. He could not 0:08:16.040 --> 0:08:18.480 rule on anything to do with the John Kerry campaign 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:23.560 for that reason. Um Frankfurter was a liberal Supreme Court justice, 0:08:23.600 --> 0:08:26.560 which might explain why Robert Welch hated him so much. 0:08:27.200 --> 0:08:31.480 Welch's biography, which is quite a text, says that the 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:34.719 young Robert Welch hated Felix Frankfurter because, quote, the young 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:38.560 man from North Carolina recognized hogwash when he heard it, 0:08:38.600 --> 0:08:41.080 and a hogwash is spelled in all caps and also 0:08:41.160 --> 0:08:44.160 spelled out with like a like a dash in between 0:08:44.280 --> 0:08:49.240 each word. That's good, it's a fascinating publication. That's a 0:08:49.440 --> 0:08:54.000 that's a Canterbury Tales level of bullshit right there. Yeah, magnificent. 0:08:54.280 --> 0:08:57.080 Did someone who was with the John Birch Society right 0:08:57.160 --> 0:09:01.160 this biography? Yes? Absolutely, yeah, no, A thousands like the 0:09:01.840 --> 0:09:06.440 editorial style. It was written probably by Bob Welch. Yeah. 0:09:09.440 --> 0:09:12.199 Welch left Harvard just a year before he would have graduated. 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:14.400 He decided that he'd learned enough and it was time 0:09:14.440 --> 0:09:16.840 to make a shipload of money. And this wonder kin 0:09:16.960 --> 0:09:19.000 had a specific plan for how he was going to 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:23.280 get rich. The motherfucking candy business. Hell yeah, hell yeah, 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:27.320 candies where the money is. Man. You know, that's the 0:09:27.360 --> 0:09:30.880 thing about candy. You get older, it stays appealing to 0:09:30.960 --> 0:09:32.640 people of the same age. I don't know why I 0:09:32.720 --> 0:09:35.520 tried to I don't know why I tried to Fast Times. 0:09:35.760 --> 0:09:40.040 Tried to Fast Times that one. So Bob's brilliant idea 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:45.480 was something called the Papa Sucker. The Papa Sucker, the 0:09:45.840 --> 0:09:49.840 Papa Sucker. Yeah, speaking of Fast Times jokes, because it 0:09:49.920 --> 0:09:51.880 is what it sounds like. What would happen when your 0:09:51.920 --> 0:09:55.200 dad gets a blowjob. But it was actually a caramel 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:57.959 lollipop designed to not melt in the summer heat. That's 0:09:58.240 --> 0:10:00.199 exactly like what would happen if your dad got a 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:05.319 blowjob right there. I'm pretty sorry. Yeah, And like your 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:07.920 dad's penis, it was filled with dangerous chemicals, which is 0:10:07.960 --> 0:10:10.800 why it didn't melt in the summer heat. Probably that's 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:14.200 good stuff, not a good lying to keep. You take 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:17.360 the rough with the smooth, as they say, dangerous chemicals. 0:10:17.360 --> 0:10:20.040 It's not melt especially when it comes to your dad's generals. 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:23.040 You got to take the rough with when it comes 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:31.040 to a Papa Sucker. Unfortunate, unfortunate. This is really gone 0:10:32.040 --> 0:10:34.600 on the rails, but they're not great rails. So despite 0:10:34.640 --> 0:10:38.360 the novelty of Bob Welch's Papa Sucker, his first business, 0:10:38.480 --> 0:10:42.000 named the Oxford Candy Company, did not go well. Uh. 0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:44.160 The cause seems to have again been the fact that 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:46.800 Bob Welch did not play well with others. He had 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:51.079 an increasing series of tins disagreements with his board of directors. 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:54.280 They had a fight over what he described as their 0:10:54.320 --> 0:10:57.640 desire to reduce the quality of their products to improve profits, 0:10:57.920 --> 0:11:00.480 Welch quit and again walked away. So getting a bit 0:11:00.520 --> 0:11:03.840 of a theme, like everything all I want to do 0:11:03.960 --> 0:11:10.160 is tortured children for morality tales. Yeah, he just keeps 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:13.240 getting into disagreements with people, be they his professors or 0:11:13.280 --> 0:11:16.320 his business partners, and then piecing the funk out. That's 0:11:16.360 --> 0:11:18.800 that's early life. Bob Welch not an easy guy to 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:21.960 get along with, So he's also not an easy guy 0:11:21.960 --> 0:11:25.880 to dissuade from his sacred task of selling candy. Um. 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:28.160 He set up another candy company, this one in Berlin, 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:31.200 and money was tight because he had a couple of 0:11:31.240 --> 0:11:33.079 kids by this point, so he took a second job 0:11:33.120 --> 0:11:36.000 as a salesman for E. J. Brack and Sons, which 0:11:36.040 --> 0:11:37.880 was one of the largest candy companies in the world. 0:11:38.000 --> 0:11:40.679 They're the people who make candy corn, among other you know. 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:44.480 Oh so they're evil too, Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Their 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:53.439 history's greatest monsters corn pumpkin. They make candy pumpkin's. Yeah, 0:11:53.480 --> 0:11:56.120 the candy corn substances in a bunch of different shapes. 0:11:56.200 --> 0:11:58.120 Oh yeah, yeah, you mean the little pumpkins that are 0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:01.079 made out of candy corn. I do like the very 0:12:01.120 --> 0:12:05.080 specific term substance. Whatever it's made of which you don't 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:09.000 know and neither. It's just a substance. Man tried to 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:12.240 convince me that like, candy pumpkins are better like candy. 0:12:12.240 --> 0:12:15.320 Corn sucks, but candy pumpkins are good like No, it's 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:18.440 just more. It's the same. It's a larger piece of 0:12:18.480 --> 0:12:21.920 the same terrible candies, just a ball. You know, it 0:12:22.080 --> 0:12:24.880 is great. I have this, there's this. So the person 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:27.160 I lived with for a while is a is a 0:12:27.280 --> 0:12:30.480 Chinese national, and she introduced me to this wonderful restaurant 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:33.400 in Portland that's like a Chinese street food restaurant and 0:12:33.520 --> 0:12:35.640 have this dish that I've never had before that's just 0:12:36.160 --> 0:12:40.320 corn and fried batter and green onions and cilantro and 0:12:40.360 --> 0:12:43.480 it's fucking awesome. Oh it's so good, Like I don't 0:12:43.480 --> 0:12:46.400 know how it's it does sound good, incredible. But you 0:12:46.440 --> 0:12:48.880 know what, Bob Welch would really hate the idea of 0:12:48.920 --> 0:12:51.840 you living with a Chinese national. He would hate everything. 0:12:52.040 --> 0:12:54.880 As soon as I said Chinese, he would have started screaming, 0:12:56.840 --> 0:13:00.280 ever the mouth this mouth. Well, I don't know if 0:13:00.320 --> 0:13:03.160 I convinced him my friend was descended from Chang Kai check, 0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:04.839 he'd probably have been all right with that. He was 0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:08.439 a big chang head as that was all around. Yeah, 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:14.240 that would be that would be mouse sedgenation. Mao, Dan 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:17.839 are running. I feel like you had that one in 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:22.280 your head for years and then you hardened it into 0:13:22.320 --> 0:13:25.600 a joke about Chang Kai check because if only I'm 0:13:25.679 --> 0:13:28.760 tortured by new versions of that same shitty joke all day. 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:31.720 Jordan's made that joke fifteen times on the podcast. I've 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:37.960 just edited out every time. Yeah, you're wise to do that. So. Uh. 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:41.319 This second candy company didn't work very well because it 0:13:41.400 --> 0:13:44.120 was the Great Depression and people didn't have disposable income 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:46.199 for candy. Probably was a bad time to start a 0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:50.040 candy business. Uh, and his his new company fell apart 0:13:50.040 --> 0:13:53.400 in nineteen thirty three. Fortunately, Bras was still making money 0:13:53.640 --> 0:13:55.280 and he was doing well enough as a salesman that 0:13:55.320 --> 0:13:57.040 they took him on as a full time employee, which 0:13:57.080 --> 0:13:59.199 kept him afloat for the next year or so. In 0:13:59.360 --> 0:14:02.679 nineteen thirty four, he started his third candy company, the 0:14:02.800 --> 0:14:07.040 Midwest Candy Company of Attica, Indiana. Uh And unfortunately his 0:14:07.160 --> 0:14:09.720 candy was as bad as his company's name, and Welch's 0:14:09.760 --> 0:14:12.959 third enterprise failed. So he said, how's that doing. Was 0:14:13.000 --> 0:14:15.440 he still selling the papa suckers? No, he he had 0:14:15.520 --> 0:14:17.559 to give the leave the Papa sucker behind when he 0:14:17.640 --> 0:14:19.520 had a fight with his business partners. So all the 0:14:19.560 --> 0:14:23.360 papa suckers that are getting sold, yeah, they're keeping the loss. 0:14:23.520 --> 0:14:25.680 That's the worst loss right there. He's not getting a 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:27.640 dime from any of the papas that are getting sucked 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:31.840 these days, which is a real shame. So, yeah, three 0:14:31.920 --> 0:14:35.160 failed candy companies. In a ninety five Bob Welch files 0:14:35.200 --> 0:14:38.760 for bankruptcy, which is, you know, pretty on brand for him. 0:14:38.840 --> 0:14:41.160 It's the financial equivalent of like running away when you 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:44.680 get into an argument. So so far everything scans. He 0:14:44.800 --> 0:14:46.880 returns to Boston and he gets a job working for 0:14:47.000 --> 0:14:49.040 his younger brother, who was also in the candy business 0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:51.480 and a lot more successful than his older brother. The 0:14:51.640 --> 0:14:54.720 James O. Welch company was a success, and this is 0:14:54.760 --> 0:14:57.560 what finally brought Robert Welch the wealth he desired. He 0:14:57.680 --> 0:15:00.080 was made VP in charge of sales and advertising, and 0:15:00.120 --> 0:15:03.000 as the company grew, this meant Roberts spent years traveling 0:15:03.040 --> 0:15:06.800 across the country to offices in Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Chicago, Houston, 0:15:06.880 --> 0:15:10.080 Los Angeles and Seattle. Now a wealthy man, he began 0:15:10.200 --> 0:15:13.440 racking up positions on government boards, the Boston Chamber of Commerce, 0:15:13.600 --> 0:15:16.080 the Cambridge Chamber of Commerce, and eventually a role as 0:15:16.120 --> 0:15:19.200 a national counselor for the US Chamber of Commerce. Is 0:15:19.680 --> 0:15:22.800 anything thats you into a right wing lunatic more than 0:15:22.880 --> 0:15:26.120 getting rich off of somebody else's work? Yeah, especially your 0:15:26.160 --> 0:15:29.600 brother's work. Yeah right, a regular right wing thing? Is 0:15:29.720 --> 0:15:33.040 that how they all get to where they are ahead? Sorry? 0:15:33.600 --> 0:15:36.200 Just he takes a lot of credit for the company's success, 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:38.520 but judging by the fact that he had three failed 0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:41.560 candy companies and only succeeded when he latched onto his brothers, 0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:43.880 I'm gonna guess the James was the talent and the 0:15:43.960 --> 0:15:48.200 family might be the case. Yeah, if I recall correctly. 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:52.160 Didn't they make some like pretty like memorable candies? Yeah? No, 0:15:52.280 --> 0:15:54.080 the James O. Welch Company has made some some of 0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:56.960 the all time great candies. Uh they all sound weird 0:15:57.040 --> 0:16:01.960 when yeah, and some sort of weird sugary rope thing. 0:16:02.120 --> 0:16:06.360 I don't know, like they made a bunch of candy candy. Yeah, 0:16:07.360 --> 0:16:09.680 it's not like it's not like the god fearing modern 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:12.400 candy that we have today. It was all strange and 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:17.080 terrifying and involved four pounds little nibbles, those little so 0:16:17.280 --> 0:16:19.960 you can't even sell kids something with horror in the name. 0:16:20.000 --> 0:16:25.320 Now it's just social justice warriors. Yeah, cancel cultures, run 0:16:25.400 --> 0:16:27.360 them buck And now we can't have our horehound candy. 0:16:29.280 --> 0:16:31.960 Why can't I buy a fox stick today? Why can't 0:16:32.040 --> 0:16:34.040 I go to any candy shop I want to and 0:16:34.160 --> 0:16:36.280 buy a fox stand. I wanted a fox, a fox 0:16:36.320 --> 0:16:41.280 stick and a Papa sucker. Come on, So, I just 0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:45.880 like it's sugar Mama's Sugar Mama's Jesus way to be 0:16:45.960 --> 0:16:48.840 a misogynist day. But I think, but isn't like sugar 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:53.360 Daddy and sugar Baby aren't sugar. They have junior Mints, 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:56.840 sugar Daddies, sugar babies, sugar Mama's Welch is fudge, welch 0:16:56.960 --> 0:17:01.520 is Freppe and pom poms. Wow. I finally understand the 0:17:01.600 --> 0:17:04.200 popularity of incest porn on the Internet. I think it 0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:09.080 all comes from there. It's all the Papa suckers and 0:17:09.160 --> 0:17:12.040 the sugar model starts there. I see it. It's all 0:17:12.320 --> 0:17:16.800 made making sense. Now, Yeah, you know you say that 0:17:16.920 --> 0:17:20.960 Jordan's It makes the Welch company motto suck on a 0:17:21.040 --> 0:17:24.000 Mama make a lot more sense. Yeah, that does sound right. 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:26.840 That that all is starting to scan now. So, like 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:28.920 all men who get rich through a mixture of blind 0:17:29.040 --> 0:17:32.160 luck and family ties, Robert Welch decided to write a book. 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:36.040 The Road to Salesmanship was about exactly the book you'd 0:17:36.080 --> 0:17:38.359 guessed that it was. I found a copy of it 0:17:38.440 --> 0:17:41.040 on Amazon today for three ninety nine and the product 0:17:41.080 --> 0:17:45.440 description text is wonderful. Uh, just gonna read you the 0:17:45.520 --> 0:17:47.840 Amazon description text, which is a little bit off the 0:17:47.920 --> 0:17:50.960 beaten path, but it it's quite funny. The Road to 0:17:51.080 --> 0:17:56.840 Salesmanship Brackets Pamphlet Robert Welch Robert not capitalized, Welch capitalized 0:17:56.920 --> 0:18:00.000 ninety one raring out of print, Collector's item limited available. 0:18:00.480 --> 0:18:03.600 The Road to Salesmanship Pamphlet and Brackets by Robert Welch, 0:18:03.760 --> 0:18:08.320 this time capitalized. This is a document and then new 0:18:08.400 --> 0:18:10.440 sentence that was written by the founder of the John 0:18:10.440 --> 0:18:13.080 Birch Society, but written decades before he founded the John 0:18:13.119 --> 0:18:16.240 Bridge Society. Now they start calling the John Bridge Society. 0:18:16.440 --> 0:18:19.080 This is not about the John Bridge Society or any projects. 0:18:19.280 --> 0:18:22.080 Rinciples of the john Bridge Society. This is a unique 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:24.120 look at the early thoughts of Robert Welch, long before 0:18:24.119 --> 0:18:28.520 he founded the john Bridge Society. And I enjoyed that. 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:33.359 M hm. So I looked through the book a bit. 0:18:33.400 --> 0:18:35.560 I found it online. There's also a free copy. Don't 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:38.840 don't pay Amazon for this fucking book, um, so I 0:18:39.040 --> 0:18:41.800 I and don't read it also it's not worth reading. 0:18:42.240 --> 0:18:43.920 But I skimmed a couple of chapters just to see 0:18:43.920 --> 0:18:45.720 if there was anything entertaining about it, because I was 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:47.359 hoping that like it was filled with I don't know, 0:18:47.440 --> 0:18:50.520 a bunch of crypto fascist nonsense, and it's it's it's 0:18:50.560 --> 0:18:52.359 even too boring for that. It seemed to have been 0:18:52.440 --> 0:18:56.240 mostly folksy and anecdotes about his sales experience and in 0:18:56.680 --> 0:18:59.399 inoffensive advice on how to sell stuff. He does start 0:18:59.480 --> 0:19:02.240 the he does. I enjoyed that He starts the book 0:19:02.280 --> 0:19:06.360 by noting that unlike like loser jobs like bricklaying and lumberjacking, 0:19:06.600 --> 0:19:12.640 being a salesman is a true profession, like being a doctor. Specifically, 0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:16.879 throw ship on brick layers and lumberjacks. Any idiot can 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:22.840 do those jobs selling ship. That's hard. Salesman do occupy 0:19:22.960 --> 0:19:26.440 the same rarefied territory as doctors nowadays. You know, you 0:19:26.560 --> 0:19:28.600 think about a used car salesman, you're like, that guy 0:19:28.720 --> 0:19:32.520 is a surgeon the same level of quality. Yeah, just 0:19:32.680 --> 0:19:36.119 a used body salesman. I mean you think when the 0:19:36.160 --> 0:19:40.080 coronavirus first hit, our first responders were the doctors, the nurses, 0:19:40.119 --> 0:19:44.720 and the candy salesman. Yeah. Absolutely. Also, I really do 0:19:44.840 --> 0:19:48.240 think the candy sells itself. Yeah. I don't know, it 0:19:48.280 --> 0:19:50.920 doesn't take much. I'm not impressed by a candy salesman. 0:19:51.080 --> 0:19:53.879 I mean, as long as it's not a disastrously gross candy, 0:19:54.320 --> 0:19:56.560 or as long as it's not called the Papa Sucker. Yeah, 0:19:56.680 --> 0:19:58.639 but it'll be all right. You're gonna be all right. 0:19:58.920 --> 0:20:04.159 Eminem's ever needed an ad campaign, yeah, because they absolutely have. 0:20:04.400 --> 0:20:06.840 But it's just they had a long one every Christmas, 0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:10.080 great ad campaign, but they didn't need them. They would 0:20:10.080 --> 0:20:13.320 have sold their chocolate with or without them. Yeah. Meanwhile, 0:20:13.359 --> 0:20:15.800 I think the only job that Robert Welch did was 0:20:16.119 --> 0:20:22.160 was the Papa Sucker. Suck on your Papa, Oh boy. Yeah, 0:20:22.600 --> 0:20:26.560 I didn't expect us to go down anyway for this episode. 0:20:26.560 --> 0:20:31.439 Apparently he ends the book on a series of final 0:20:31.640 --> 0:20:36.320 don'ts for Salesman, which include and these are. The actual 0:20:36.400 --> 0:20:38.879 text of all of these is more boring than you'd expect. 0:20:38.920 --> 0:20:41.919 But the don't there funny a knife can have two edges. 0:20:42.400 --> 0:20:46.320 Everybody knows that drum is hollow. People rent offices to 0:20:46.400 --> 0:20:52.000 do business in remember the future, and professors belong in classrooms. Wait, 0:20:52.119 --> 0:20:56.760 those are the don't Those are the don'ts. So don't professor. Yeah, 0:20:56.840 --> 0:20:59.440 don't be unless you're unless you're in a classroom. Don't 0:20:59.480 --> 0:21:01.399 teach people about candy when you're trying to sell to 0:21:01.760 --> 0:21:05.439 That's a good point. Oh, I get you now, especially 0:21:05.520 --> 0:21:07.560 don't be a liberal candy prefersior. Oh, you can't do that. 0:21:08.119 --> 0:21:10.920 They like to imagine that the knife has two edges. 0:21:11.040 --> 0:21:13.280 Thing is is a reference to the many knife fights 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:16.639 that candy salesman got into in the nineties. Wouldn't surprise 0:21:16.680 --> 0:21:19.960 my brutal business is dangerous work. You saw what happened 0:21:20.000 --> 0:21:23.800 to the Augustus gloup Kid. Yeah, and that that Robin 0:21:23.840 --> 0:21:29.680 Williams movie The Candy Man. So the impression that I 0:21:29.760 --> 0:21:31.720 got from my limited reading of this book is that 0:21:31.840 --> 0:21:34.560 young Bob Welch was something of a pampus know at all, um, 0:21:34.800 --> 0:21:37.160 but I got no hint that he was particularly unhinged 0:21:37.240 --> 0:21:41.000 or unreasonable, like it's not there's nothing like like. There's 0:21:41.040 --> 0:21:43.080 no hints as to what he became in the book. 0:21:43.119 --> 0:21:46.200 He just seems like kind of a dick um, which 0:21:46.240 --> 0:21:48.280 I guess is one hint, but not not much of 0:21:48.359 --> 0:21:51.560 one compared to what happens next. So, during World War Two, 0:21:51.600 --> 0:21:54.600 Welch served on the War Production Board. If it seems 0:21:54.640 --> 0:21:56.640 odd to you that a candy man would be appointed 0:21:56.680 --> 0:21:59.800 to help manage national military production during a global battle 0:21:59.840 --> 0:22:04.399 for survival of democracy, yes, yes it does, but that 0:22:04.560 --> 0:22:10.040 is what happened. Uh bullets, But Eminem's yeah, just another 0:22:10.160 --> 0:22:14.119 kind of Papa sucker. We have a long history of 0:22:14.200 --> 0:22:16.919 giving people jobs are not qualified for in this country. 0:22:17.640 --> 0:22:21.000 It's it's a creative strength. So, as a result of 0:22:21.080 --> 0:22:23.080 his work in the War Production Board, Welch spent more 0:22:23.119 --> 0:22:25.399 and more time in Washington, d c. During the forties. 0:22:25.440 --> 0:22:29.760 He also became chairman of the National Confectioners Association's Washington Committee. 0:22:30.040 --> 0:22:33.680 In nineteen seven, he received the candy industry's highest honor, 0:22:33.960 --> 0:22:37.480 the Kettle Award, from Candy Industry Magazine. So he's really 0:22:37.880 --> 0:22:40.760 he's arrived. You can't top the kettle award if you're 0:22:40.760 --> 0:22:43.679 a candy man for for for what did he receive 0:22:43.800 --> 0:22:46.679 this award forgetting all those kids to suck on their 0:22:46.720 --> 0:22:51.280 papa's But I mean, like high sales. Was he a 0:22:51.400 --> 0:22:56.440 good candy creator? Was he just around win World War Two? 0:22:56.760 --> 0:22:59.960 Why did he get this award? He's honestly, I think 0:23:00.000 --> 0:23:02.359 ink and this is this isn't written anywhere, but reading 0:23:02.400 --> 0:23:04.320 between the lines from everything I read about his his 0:23:04.440 --> 0:23:08.520 earlier life, I think his real talent was that he 0:23:08.720 --> 0:23:11.800 was very good at getting other rich businessman to like him. 0:23:12.359 --> 0:23:14.520 And I like, that's why you'll notice the thing that 0:23:14.600 --> 0:23:17.000 he really does best. He wasn't a particularly good business 0:23:17.080 --> 0:23:20.240 owner or candy salesman, but he was great at being 0:23:20.400 --> 0:23:23.879 on the board of big candy industry companies because rich 0:23:23.960 --> 0:23:26.280 guys liked him. It's like, I think that was his 0:23:26.400 --> 0:23:29.800 talent that I'll take you a long way in America. Yeah, 0:23:29.800 --> 0:23:31.760