Speaker 1: Me to the planet, Charlomagne, to God, here, your uncle,
Speaker 1: Charlott Lenard, whatever you want to call me. I'm just
Speaker 1: here to bring you a brand new podcast from the
Speaker 1: Black Effect Podcast Network. With the holidays here, the Breakfast
Speaker 1: Club is gonna be taking a little break, but we've
Speaker 1: got a little gift for you until we come back
Speaker 1: with new episodes in January of twenty twenty one. So
Speaker 1: sit back, Okay, relax and take some time for yourself
Speaker 1: while listening to this new podcast from my loved one,
Speaker 1: Zuri Hall. Her new podcast, Zurie Hall's Hot Happy Mess,
Speaker 1: is all about helping you find your magic in the
Speaker 1: middle of life's messes. Make sure you listen to Zuri
Speaker 1: Hall's Hot Happy Mess podcast on the Black Effect or
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to podcasts. Hello, Hello, what is up?
Speaker 1: Hey 'all? I'm Zuri Hall, and oh my goodness, welcome
Speaker 1: to the first episode ever, first episode ever of Hot
Speaker 1: Happy Mess. I just want to die right in. I
Speaker 1: have to tell you, guys, a story, A story I
Speaker 1: don't have any any more detail than that outside of
Speaker 1: me telling it. So I was in the Netherlands on
Speaker 1: vacation and life just hit me like smack. Dab in
Speaker 1: the middle of the face, right between the eyes when
Speaker 1: I was least expecting it, And oh my god, it's
Speaker 1: how I got where I am today. It's why I
Speaker 1: am here right now talking to you. Okay, So years ago,
Speaker 1: my career was taking off. I mean, my TV hosting
Speaker 1: dreams were coming true. Don't get me wrong, I love, love,
Speaker 1: love loved these huge career moments. Honestly, I live for them.
Speaker 1: Definitely was living for them at the time. And yet
Speaker 1: as soon as that temporary high of achievement wore off,
Speaker 1: I felt so burnt out. I was exhausted, I was
Speaker 1: emotionally drained, and I was like, what the heck is up?
Speaker 1: I needed a break so badly. So I hopped on
Speaker 1: a flight to Europe and got my eat, pray, love on.
Speaker 1: I was just like rom energy, signed me up. Something's
Speaker 1: gotta give. I was cycling through canal line streets in Amsterdam.
Speaker 1: I was falling in love with my life, with the
Speaker 1: freedom that was coming from exploration, the feeling of just
Speaker 1: enjoying my days at a really slow, leisurely pace. I
Speaker 1: had nothing to do tomorrow if I didn't want to
Speaker 1: do it. And then it got real, real, real quick. Okay.
Speaker 1: So I was in the countryside just outside of Amsterdam,
Speaker 1: and I was taking a stroll and it was quiet
Speaker 1: and beautiful and I was just like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: this is like nothing I've seen or experienced in the States. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And so as I reached a nearby lake and stopped,
Speaker 1: just like stopped for a second and sat down and
Speaker 1: just took it in in complete silence by the water,
Speaker 1: and I was really enjoying this moment and the like
Speaker 1: crazy view. It was amazing, and I started crying. I
Speaker 1: started following like a little who you know what. And
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you why in just a few minutes here,
Speaker 1: But first you gotta listen to this hot happy mess.
Speaker 1: Celebrate your magic in the middle of life's messes. Hot
Speaker 1: happy Mess. I'm Zuri Hall, and this is hot happy mess. Shoot.
Speaker 1: Oh we got a theme song. We are so official. Hey, y'all,
Speaker 1: I am Zuri Hall and this is hot happy Mess. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome.
Speaker 1: Where we are making the most of the moments We're
Speaker 1: in and finding and celebrating the magic and all that
Speaker 1: is hot, happy and messy and our lives. So this
Speaker 1: podcast is for mindful, ambitious millennial women who are craving
Speaker 1: best life minus the burnout women who believe that you
Speaker 1: can make a bomb ass living while enjoying a bomb
Speaker 1: ass life. And sometimes life is just well as ass
Speaker 1: And that's okay too, because life is about learning to love.
Speaker 1: What is our north star with this community is happy
Speaker 1: and it is not an end destination. It is a
Speaker 1: state of being during the entire journey of our lives.
Speaker 1: Achieving all of our goals is only worth It only
Speaker 1: really feels good if we're happy while we're achieving them.
Speaker 1: Each episode is going to entertain you, empower you, maybe
Speaker 1: even educate you a little bit so that you can
Speaker 1: get rid of the bad stuff and infuse your life
Speaker 1: with more of the good stuff. So you might be like, um, girl,
Speaker 1: but who are you though? First of all rude, but
Speaker 1: also I'm Zuri already said that. But about me? You
Speaker 1: might know me from all of my red carpet interviews,
Speaker 1: my celebrity sit downs for years on shows on MTV,
Speaker 1: E News and now Access Hollywood. But this show, Hot
Speaker 1: Happy Mess is all about the most important VIP of
Speaker 1: your life. You Okay, It's all about you, girl. It's
Speaker 1: time to own it. Each Monday, come get your hot
Speaker 1: happy mess on with me, tune out the chaos and
Speaker 1: the confusion of the outside world, and just vibe with
Speaker 1: other women who get it now. I know, I said mindful,
Speaker 1: ambitious millennial women earlier, and that's broad. All are welcome,
Speaker 1: but some context clues that you might really like it here.
Speaker 1: If you've ever texted your mom and asked what time
Speaker 1: was I born so that you can run your astrology
Speaker 1: chart and see if the hot dude that you just
Speaker 1: match with on bumble like thirteen seconds ago was your
Speaker 1: future husband. Welcome. You're safe here if you like browsing
Speaker 1: Zillo knowing damn well you can't afford that four million
Speaker 1: dollar mansion in Dallas. Well, then, first of all, same,
Speaker 1: but also you're safe here if you still passionately debate
Speaker 1: on which nineties boy bands are the best of the best,
Speaker 1: as if anybody else except us cares you are amongst
Speaker 1: friends also in sync. Don't at me, don't at me
Speaker 1: if you say esthetic adulting orbit un ironically, we probably
Speaker 1: need to start a support group for that. But also
Speaker 1: welcome saying all that out loud. I am really a
Speaker 1: basic bitch, okay, so be it. You can look at
Speaker 1: this space as our never ending dinner party with heavy
Speaker 1: pores and juicy off the record chat and you ain't
Speaker 1: even got to take your shoes off. Now, the whole
Speaker 1: never ending thing does on the bit like a hostage situation.
Speaker 1: So just to clarify, you are totally free to go,
Speaker 1: but like don't. So I'm kicking off my first series ever,
Speaker 1: and this one is all about peace and happiness. We're
Speaker 1: gonna have a bunch of different series as the show
Speaker 1: continues and evolves on love, dating, relationships. We're gonna have
Speaker 1: series on career. We're gonna have Alpha Babe spotlights with
Speaker 1: inspirational women. But this first one, this is the groundwork.
Speaker 1: This is what is so important to do to kind
Speaker 1: of lay the foundation because it's all about happiness, peace.
Speaker 1: None of those other things that we're going to talk
Speaker 1: about matter if you're not approaching it from a place
Speaker 1: of happiness, if you don't feel good while you're trying
Speaker 1: to get it right in those areas of your life. Okay,
Speaker 1: So kumbaya, bitches. This next few episodes we are going
Speaker 1: to dive into how to find your happy, how to
Speaker 1: protect your peace, and how to enjoy best life minus
Speaker 1: the burnout. Okay. So in today's first ever episode. Drumroll please. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: like I almost said in today's first ever episode, I
Speaker 1: am talking about how to be happy, but also what
Speaker 1: the heck do I know? Don't answer that, just stick
Speaker 1: with me here Today I am going one on one
Speaker 1: with the amazing Nedra Glover touab about how to find
Speaker 1: our happy get to a state of being happy always
Speaker 1: or most times, instead of constantly chasing it. Natra is
Speaker 1: a licensed therapist. She's a sought after relationship expert. She
Speaker 1: has a very popular Instagram account for good Reason, where
Speaker 1: she shares resources and tools on how to create healthy
Speaker 1: relationships and implement boundaries. Then we are going to call
Speaker 1: it My Girls, My day Ones, my real life best
Speaker 1: friends for a little group chat action. They are going
Speaker 1: to confess when they first realize that they weren't happy
Speaker 1: and reveal the steps they took to fix it. Make
Speaker 1: sure you stay tuned until the end of this episode.
Speaker 1: For this week's party trick, We've got three instant mood boosters,
Speaker 1: three happiness hacks if you will, for when you need
Speaker 1: a quick fix to just infuse your day with a
Speaker 1: little more juice. Okay, just little something something extra. So
Speaker 1: before I finished my story. I promise it's coming. I
Speaker 1: just want to make one thing clear as we go
Speaker 1: on this journey together, as we step into this circle
Speaker 1: of trust. Okay, I gotta confess a couple of things.
Speaker 1: So here's the thing. Yes, I am generally happy. Yes
Speaker 1: I feel hot on any random day of the week
Speaker 1: fifty percent of the time. Maybe guestament I don't really known.
Speaker 1: And also I am not a mess. Okay, not a
Speaker 1: total one at least, and I honestly would be doing
Speaker 1: you a disservice to pretend that I am. The truth is,
Speaker 1: I work really, really hard to keep shit together, and
Speaker 1: I have done really well at it. And that is
Speaker 1: not a humble brag. That is full disclosure, so that
Speaker 1: you really believe me when I say, no matter what
Speaker 1: it looks like from the outside, no matter what it
Speaker 1: may seem like. And this goes for everyone, all of us,
Speaker 1: looking at everyone else's lives, I still have messy moments.
Speaker 1: I have chapters that are a total mess. I have
Speaker 1: life moments that have banged me up to the point
Speaker 1: that I thought they broke me. Snot nosed sobs from
Speaker 1: the gut in the middle of dark, dark nights when
Speaker 1: I stopped asking God if he left me because I
Speaker 1: was almost completely sure he had spoiler alert he had not.
Speaker 1: So that's the heavy mess of it. But sometimes mess
Speaker 1: is as low key and minor as being in the
Speaker 1: middle of a fancy red carpet, you know. And at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, no matter what it looks
Speaker 1: like from the outside, I still forgot to pay my
Speaker 1: Verizon bill, so they cut my shit off mid interview,
Speaker 1: and now I can't catch an uber home highs and lows. Folks,
Speaker 1: highs and lows. I'm a Gemini, expect a lot of it.
Speaker 1: So no matter how hot or happy my life may seem,
Speaker 1: I want you to know, my friend, my sister, that
Speaker 1: there is a consistent enough mess in the middle of
Speaker 1: all that. And instead of why did this happen to me,
Speaker 1: I'm learning to ask what is this here to teach me?
Speaker 1: I am committing to finding the magic in the middle
Speaker 1: of my life's messes and really trying to embrace each
Speaker 1: moment as it comes and accept each moment and myself
Speaker 1: exactly as we are. And I want you to join
Speaker 1: me on that journey, because, in my humble opinion, that's
Speaker 1: the key to it all. That's it all we've got
Speaker 1: is now. We got to make the most of it. Okay,
Speaker 1: So back to my story as promised, not a few
Speaker 1: minutes later. But we got there, all right. Picture it Amsterdam,
Speaker 1: the summer of sixty nine, Just kidding. It was like
Speaker 1: twenty fifteen or something. I was sitting down by this
Speaker 1: lake in complete silence, and I was just enjoying the moment,
Speaker 1: soaking up the sick view. The birds are chirping, the
Speaker 1: grass is green, the water is calm, the sun is
Speaker 1: setting gently over the Dutch Abyss not even the right
Speaker 1: word to use in this moment, I don't know, but
Speaker 1: I cried and I cried and I cried. And again.
Speaker 1: It was not just because I'm a bad swimmer and
Speaker 1: the water was super close for comfort. It was because
Speaker 1: the overwhelming sense of peace that I was experiencing, and
Speaker 1: that moment felt so foreign, and I remember thinking, why
Speaker 1: should a feeling this great, this good, be so rare.
Speaker 1: I was crying because I was mourning my own lack
Speaker 1: of peace in my everyday life. Like I said, I
Speaker 1: was hosting a daily music countdown show on a popular
Speaker 1: cable music channel. I was guest hosting shows that I
Speaker 1: remember watching from my one bedroom, tiny box of an
Speaker 1: apartment in Ohio and being like, man, one day, I
Speaker 1: want to be on that show. I was on it
Speaker 1: now you know. I was co hosting with Legends. I
Speaker 1: had just co hosted with Joan Rivers The Legend on
Speaker 1: Fashion Police, a show I grew up watching, and that
Speaker 1: all was amazing. I genuinely loved all of those moments.
Speaker 1: But when I wasn't working, I was kind of miserable.
Speaker 1: And I didn't even know it at the time. I
Speaker 1: was constantly striving for more. I lacked peace and I
Speaker 1: hadn't even realized it until I accidentally stumbled into peace
Speaker 1: by the water in the Dutch countryside. Rest, calm, permission
Speaker 1: to be still. It was true peace, and I remember
Speaker 1: thinking to myself, peace should not feel this foreign, It
Speaker 1: shouldn't fill this foreign. When I got back to New York,
Speaker 1: because that's where I was living at the time and
Speaker 1: probably had a lot to do with the state of
Speaker 1: my mental health or lack thereof, I focused on carving
Speaker 1: out fifteen to thirty minutes every day to just be
Speaker 1: alone with my thoughts, to breathe slow, try to shut
Speaker 1: off my brain, which is super hard because my brain
Speaker 1: is always an overdrive. I am an overthinker, card carrying member,
Speaker 1: and just make sure that I had a little bit
Speaker 1: of time for quiet and calm. And you know what,
Speaker 1: it helped. Coming back from that vacation, refreshed, taking a
Speaker 1: few minutes to relax and re energize at work each day,
Speaker 1: those things helped me present the best version of Zuri
Speaker 1: that I have to offer. That best version of Zuri
Speaker 1: is the one that I always want to show up as,
Speaker 1: which means I had to start showing up for myself.
Speaker 1: And that's the version of yourself that you deserve to
Speaker 1: have be admired in your office, in the classroom, or
Speaker 1: wherever it is that you want to put your best
Speaker 1: foot forward. Whether it's personal, professional, it doesn't matter. If
Speaker 1: you want to be the best, that's the best, the person,
Speaker 1: the version of you that is full of peace. You know,
Speaker 1: we each deserve to find a place of mental calm. Unwine.
Speaker 1: You can practice yoga, you can meditate, go see that
Speaker 1: shrink book. The appointment. You owe it to yourself to
Speaker 1: save up and plan for that seven day vacation if
Speaker 1: you can, and if you can't get away for that long,
Speaker 1: maybe it's an extended weekend. Hell. Maybe it's a lunch break,
Speaker 1: maybe it's a Saturday afternoon girl. Whatever it is, your
Speaker 1: piece is free and it is priceless. Just try to
Speaker 1: take a little bit of quiet time each day to
Speaker 1: reconnect with yourself, to calmed down. Listen to Hot Happy
Speaker 1: Mess every Monday. Basically demand you're happy. Okay, I promised
Speaker 1: myself that I was never gonna let peace feel that
Speaker 1: foreign again. When I was by that water, I dedicated
Speaker 1: that to me. It was like a vow to myself. Okay,
Speaker 1: I haven't tied the knot yet. I'm not engaged to
Speaker 1: be married. I'm not vowing to any one person yet,
Speaker 1: but I'll tell you who I vowed you that day
Speaker 1: at the water, Zuri, and you deserve the same. So
Speaker 1: years and years after that first fateful day when I
Speaker 1: decided to get my life together, it has been a
Speaker 1: slow process. Trust me. I will reveal more as we
Speaker 1: continue on this journey. Here we are years later. This
Speaker 1: is a space for us to keep getting their lives
Speaker 1: together together. Okay, yay, Hot Happy Mess, let's go, baby,
Speaker 1: So next up, as promised, Nedra. Oh my gosh, this
Speaker 1: is such a fun, fun, fun, informative conversation nedroglove Toab.
Speaker 1: She's a licensed therapist, a super sought after relationship expert.
Speaker 1: She runs a very popular Instagram account at Ndra Towab
Speaker 1: Go follow her thank me Later, where she shares resources
Speaker 1: and tools on how to create healthy relationships and implement boundaries,
Speaker 1: which honestly is the key to it all for me,
Speaker 1: boundaries for yourself, for the people in your life. Our
Speaker 1: convo gave me so many aha moments and reminders about
Speaker 1: how to create a life that is full of peace
Speaker 1: and joy, and honestly, we just laughed a lot. She
Speaker 1: is so chill, so down to earth. Here's our conversation.
Speaker 1: You're gonna love it all, you guys. I am super
Speaker 1: excited because the expert who we have on our first
Speaker 1: ever episode of How to Happy Mess is gonna guide
Speaker 1: us into happiness, or at least she's gonna help us
Speaker 1: get some insight on exactly what we can do to
Speaker 1: take some small, actionable steps towards that. Nedra Glover Tawab,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining me on the first episode.
Speaker 1: I'm so happy to be first I am. I'm just
Speaker 1: glad as you did it. I've been able to check
Speaker 1: out your Instagram account a lot of the information and
Speaker 1: the tools and the tips you provide are just so necessary.
Speaker 1: And what I love is that it's so relatable. It's
Speaker 1: easy to process and understand. I feel like sometimes people
Speaker 1: get this idea of what therapy is supposed to look like,
Speaker 1: or what wellness is supposed to look like, and they're
Speaker 1: overwhelmed by the idea that they're not, you know, far
Speaker 1: enough along in their journey to do it or to
Speaker 1: implement it in their everyday lives. So I'm excited to
Speaker 1: have you here today. Thank you, You're welcome. Yes, my
Speaker 1: whole goal for Instagram is to normalize therapy, to normalize
Speaker 1: the tips and rolls we have in relationships, and I
Speaker 1: think so much of it is jargonized and so we
Speaker 1: don't understand it. And so it's good to be in
Speaker 1: a space where you can add things that people can
Speaker 1: relate to and make things seem very normal. Now, Absolutely,
Speaker 1: I want to kick things right off, get into the
Speaker 1: thick of it. What would you define happiness as? Like?
Speaker 1: Obviously that's a personal question, but then there's also the
Speaker 1: broad sort of therapist lend. So I'm curious to know
Speaker 1: what makes ndra happy? And then how do you define happiness?
Speaker 1: You know, happiness is joy and peace, and that looks
Speaker 1: like different things for different people. For me, it's being
Speaker 1: able to live a life that feels good for me,
Speaker 1: and that's going to look different for everyone. So we
Speaker 1: can't determine what makes other people happy. We can only
Speaker 1: seek to understand our own happiness. And so it's just
Speaker 1: about curating those things that make you feel good, doing
Speaker 1: more of it, creating new experiences. That is what happiness
Speaker 1: is to me, and I think it's the same thing
Speaker 1: for many other people, and it's changing because we think
Speaker 1: once we get one thing will be happy, but as
Speaker 1: you know, once you get it, it's like, okay, I
Speaker 1: need something else to be happy. So it's a continuous
Speaker 1: cycle of figuring that thing out that will make you
Speaker 1: feel good. When it comes to unhappiness, you know that
Speaker 1: we have good days, we have bad days. But I
Speaker 1: think that what's important to recognize is there is a
Speaker 1: state of unhappiness that one can be in. And what
Speaker 1: I would love for you to talk with our listeners
Speaker 1: about is when does that shift happen? When do I
Speaker 1: need to stop ignoring the fact that I'm waking up
Speaker 1: and I'm still unhappy or this this emotion. This feeling
Speaker 1: is sort of pervading my everyday existence to where it's
Speaker 1: like this isn't a bad day, this is a bad
Speaker 1: phase or a bad chapter, and I need I need
Speaker 1: to switch it up. I need to acknowledge that I'm
Speaker 1: unhappy and do something about it. What are those signs
Speaker 1: when you get tired of being unhappy? That's the biggest sign.
Speaker 1: I think so often we feel like we have to
Speaker 1: be unhappy, kind of like a you know, an your
Speaker 1: kind of move like this is just how I am.
Speaker 1: I'm a complainer, I'm I'm pessimistic, and we know that,
Speaker 1: and we sometimes embrace our depression or we embrace sadness
Speaker 1: being a part of us because we don't have the
Speaker 1: hope that anything can be different, but it can be.
Speaker 1: You don't have to be sad. So I think if
Speaker 1: you recognize that you're someone who chronically complains or you
Speaker 1: often feel unhappy or sad, that is a space to
Speaker 1: act in your power. And what would you recommend as
Speaker 1: those first steps to acting in your power? How do
Speaker 1: you sort of reclaim that and decide, you know what
Speaker 1: not today? This is when the shift begins, because that
Speaker 1: can be scary when you've normalized these negative emotions and
Speaker 1: you've gotten used to it. And I think especially as women,
Speaker 1: sometimes we're conditioned to where it as a badge of honor.
Speaker 1: Like I'm going through this. I've got the kids, I've
Speaker 1: got my job, and the idea that I might step
Speaker 1: outside of all of these other people and things that
Speaker 1: need me to just serve myself. Society has told us
Speaker 1: it's selfish. So how do you take those first steps
Speaker 1: to to you know, figuring out what might light you up,
Speaker 1: embrace a new narrative. It's so interesting that we take
Speaker 1: stress as a badge of honor. We take being a martyr,
Speaker 1: a rescuer, a codependent as a badge of our I
Speaker 1: have to help everybody. It's like, okay, and you're excited.
Speaker 1: It's like I don't I don't ever get any speek.
Speaker 1: But this is not a good thing. We have to
Speaker 1: figure out a way to empower and not to promote
Speaker 1: those ideas of well, that's just how it is. When
Speaker 1: you're a mom, you don't get any sleep because we
Speaker 1: recreate that and we emphasize that to new mothers. We
Speaker 1: emphasize the importance of women having to do certain things
Speaker 1: in relationships which make them feel more burnout and stressed
Speaker 1: and sad and depressing, all of these things. So we
Speaker 1: have to embrace a new narrative that includes rest, that
Speaker 1: includes seeking joy and not just this is my life
Speaker 1: and it's painful and I'm overwhelmed. That can't be the
Speaker 1: narrative anymore. Right, what I'm hearing you say is we
Speaker 1: have to take responsibility for our happiness. And it's so
Speaker 1: easy to blame the other person, to blame social media.
Speaker 1: If these things didn't exist, if this person wasn't this way,
Speaker 1: then I would be insert emotion here when it's really about, well,
Speaker 1: how are you choosing to react to that thing that person?
Speaker 1: And it's easy to throw it on them because then
Speaker 1: we don't have to do the hard work. And I
Speaker 1: am so guilty of it because I'm like, oh, if
Speaker 1: they were just this there of Instagram, but just this. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I get the question all the time, like what do
Speaker 1: you do on when your friends are posting stuff on
Speaker 1: social media and you don't like it? I'm unfollow them?
Speaker 1: Like you can't make them change their content, right, Like
Speaker 1: you don't have to follow things that that cause you
Speaker 1: this pleasure. You don't and if you don't feel comfortable
Speaker 1: unfollowing mute right, What would you say to someone who says, Nedra,
Speaker 1: I want to mute them, or I want to unfollow er,
Speaker 1: I'm whatever, but I'm worried about what they'll think. What
Speaker 1: would you say to someone who is just trapped, essentially
Speaker 1: like so many of us, in the idea of what
Speaker 1: others think, I'm the quest to happiness their own happiness. Well,
Speaker 1: that's why I mentioned muting, because there are some people
Speaker 1: who will check you for unfollowing them. We have a
Speaker 1: petty people in our lives. We do and they they're like,
Speaker 1: did you unfollow me? Right by accident? But but with
Speaker 1: the muting again boundaries, how do we say to people
Speaker 1: that I'm trying to experience, assertain that certain thing as
Speaker 1: I tap into this and so instead of leaving this platform,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to navigate how to use it in a
Speaker 1: way that speaks to me. For those who are you know,
Speaker 1: maybe you to the journey of mindfulness, of presence, of
Speaker 1: letting things go. Sometimes I would love if you could
Speaker 1: just briefly talk about the concept of attachment and how
Speaker 1: that sometimes holding on to something too tightly, even a
Speaker 1: bad moment in a morning, holding onto that too tightly
Speaker 1: can sort of permeate the rest of your day. And
Speaker 1: again this being all about embracing the magic in the
Speaker 1: middle of the mess. I think that's really the key
Speaker 1: to happiness for me is saying I can have a
Speaker 1: bad morning, but it's not a bad day. How do
Speaker 1: you encourage people or what do you hope people keep
Speaker 1: in mind when it comes to staying in a state
Speaker 1: of mind that allows you to be with joy or
Speaker 1: peace even when everything is not perfect. Reminding yourself that
Speaker 1: a moment is not a minute. A moment is not
Speaker 1: a day. A moment is not the morning, right right right.
Speaker 1: A moment is a moment. You waste something all your pants, Now,
Speaker 1: let's move al. It doesn't mean your whole day is
Speaker 1: bad because you've weighed something on your pants. Change your
Speaker 1: pants and keep going. But it doesn't need to be
Speaker 1: a prediction about the rest of your day. And that's
Speaker 1: when you get into that, like, this is a bad day,
Speaker 1: you have predicted the rest of the day, so the
Speaker 1: day will now rise to meet your expectations of it.
Speaker 1: So you can have a bad moment without having a
Speaker 1: bad day, without having a bad morning. So just rephrasing
Speaker 1: that so it's not taking over your whole day. Even
Speaker 1: in the pandemic, we have to remember the things that
Speaker 1: are going well. And right now, lots of folks are
Speaker 1: focused on this is bad, this is bad, this is bad.
Speaker 1: And I saw a post on Instagram by alexel that said,
Speaker 1: I am grateful to be alive. That's a big thing.
Speaker 1: That's a huge thing. So whatever else is going on,
Speaker 1: it's like you can breathe. Yeah, yeah, Well this has
Speaker 1: been amazing. Thank you so much for the conversation, the tools,
Speaker 1: the tips if people want to follow you learn more
Speaker 1: about you, know what you offer, your services, and also
Speaker 1: just the amazing energy and vibes you provide on social media,
Speaker 1: especially where can they keep up with you? Yes, so
Speaker 1: I am at Natra towab on Instagram and I have
Speaker 1: other platforms, but to be honest, I am not a
Speaker 1: multisocial media person. So that might be happiness. Really like
Speaker 1: pick a platform and that's it. That would make me
Speaker 1: to platform. Well, we will keep up with you on
Speaker 1: Instagram then, Nadra, thank you so much for your time.
Speaker 1: I appreciate it. We're gonna have to have you back.
Speaker 1: I'm just telling you right now because this is amazing Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll kay Okayger's cross. We'll be in touch soon. Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, Hi Happy Hope. You loved that conversation with Nadra,
Speaker 1: don't forget. You can follow her at Nidra to WAB.
Speaker 1: We're gonna have so many amazing experts just like her,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna try to convince nature to come back
Speaker 1: on because she is so dope. I just I love
Speaker 1: that conversation. Next up, it's time for the group chat.
Speaker 1: The group chat is my signature hot happy mess segment.
Speaker 1: This is where you know we go to event right,
Speaker 1: You've got your group chat, I've got mine. Is where
Speaker 1: we go to our girls to just decode weird text
Speaker 1: messages from whoever we're dating or ex's we're trying to
Speaker 1: avoid draft post, then collectively vote to delete or post
Speaker 1: petty subtweets. In this segment, when I need backup support
Speaker 1: or have a tough topic that I want to pick
Speaker 1: apart with some really smart, really funny women whose opinions
Speaker 1: or ideas might be a little different from mine, might
Speaker 1: be a whole lot different from mine, talk shit and
Speaker 1: just download on whatever is the hottest of messages that week.
Speaker 1: We're taking it to the group chat. So this week
Speaker 1: it is my girls, my besties, Ashley and Travasha. So
Speaker 1: you guys, today we have the first two people humans, ladies,
Speaker 1: awesome best friends. I'm a group chat Ashley and Trevasha.
Speaker 1: I'm super excited for you to meet them. We go
Speaker 1: way back. I'm talking about Indianapolis days, my first job
Speaker 1: out of college, Like people were paying me to do
Speaker 1: things and I'm still not entirely sure why. But these
Speaker 1: were my friends then I first met. So just really quickly,
Speaker 1: ash will start with you, Travashi, then we'll go to you.
Speaker 1: So Ashley, just let everybody know who you are, what
Speaker 1: you love, what you do, how we met. What's up everyone,
Speaker 1: I'm Ashley. I am a thirty something newly wed Hanley Midwest.
Speaker 1: I'm actually from the Indianapolis area, which is where I'm
Speaker 1: as ZERI said, where her and I met. My husband
Speaker 1: and I picked up everything or dropped everything, I guess
Speaker 1: you can say picked up and dropped everything at the
Speaker 1: same time. And we just moved across the countries to Phoenix,
Speaker 1: Arizona last year, which is one of the best decisions
Speaker 1: we ever made. So I guess that tell you a
Speaker 1: little bit about me. In terms of being a little
Speaker 1: bit of a free spirit. But I'm also like your fine,
Speaker 1: sophistic Ratchett best friend who is an operations person in
Speaker 1: healthcare corporate America by day, but by night, I am
Speaker 1: a free spirit just out of control. This one like
Speaker 1: that friend that It's like, I mean, if you ask
Speaker 1: me to like drop everything and go to China tonight,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm you. Guys, She's not even joking. We didn't
Speaker 1: go to China, but we went to Milan, and it
Speaker 1: is an episode in and of itself, so we'll talk
Speaker 1: about that at a a later time. Yeay, how did we
Speaker 1: meet Ashley? Okay, so we met. We actually have a
Speaker 1: mutual friend um that does a golf outing every year
Speaker 1: that my mom and I have been helping out for
Speaker 1: helping out with for years. And he introduced Surrey. I
Speaker 1: believe you had only been there for a few months,
Speaker 1: is that correct, girl? If that? Yeah, like maybe two,
Speaker 1: if you were a guest there or yeah, he invited
Speaker 1: me as a guest like one of their quote unquote
Speaker 1: celebrity golfers. Okay, mind you, I had only been a
Speaker 1: celebriting Indiana for three weeks and then I met you. Yes,
Speaker 1: and then I met you there because you were volunteering.
Speaker 1: Ashley's like super friendly and outgoing. Travasha and Ashley are honestly,
Speaker 1: and I remember you were like, oh, hey, what's up,
Speaker 1: how are you whatever? And I was in TV, but
Speaker 1: it was my first job in TV, and I was
Speaker 1: actually kind of shy still, like I'm not a natural
Speaker 1: true extrovert. And so I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: there's like some of my agents. He's so cute and friendly.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you werena friends. I'm really excited about this. Okay,
Speaker 1: next up, Trevasha Tea. Hello Trevasha for those who would
Speaker 1: like to try, and tea for those who cannot. I
Speaker 1: am also a thirty something, but I am a first
Speaker 1: time mommy and a pandemic mommy. I have a baby
Speaker 1: that I was born right before all the schools were
Speaker 1: shut down in the whole country, a week before point.
Speaker 1: We're your husband, they were you were not or if
Speaker 1: he was going to be able to be in the
Speaker 1: delivery room right right. So the night I went into labor,
Speaker 1: they were like, oh, it's so good that like you
Speaker 1: went into labor tonight because tomorrow, starting tomorrow, you'll only
Speaker 1: be able to have one person in there, and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, that would have sucked because I would
Speaker 1: have chosen my dula over it, like the whole husband
Speaker 1: out there. So that's interesting in and of itself. And then, um,
Speaker 1: I also have a My niece is here visiting with
Speaker 1: us for a long while, so we love her. But
Speaker 1: she's five years old, and and you have a freaking
Speaker 1: puppy or a dollar so from okay, so okay this
Speaker 1: came out. Just quit. We don't need a backstory on
Speaker 1: the puppy. You got a dog down anyway. So yes,
Speaker 1: I'm a flight attenich. I love being a flight attendant.
Speaker 1: I've been doing that for like seven years. Um. I
Speaker 1: used to cheer professionally is and that's how I met Zuri.
Speaker 1: She slid into my dms um and I just mate
Speaker 1: these claims. Yeah, don't don't let her for you. She
Speaker 1: slid into d and she was like, can I move
Speaker 1: in with you? No? I'm just like, okay, that's what
Speaker 1: I'm doing. I'm just kidding, I'm rolling. I did follow
Speaker 1: her on Twitter. I was just looking for friends, like
Speaker 1: it's hard to make friends after college. This should be
Speaker 1: an episode in and of itself, like after you graduate
Speaker 1: it's weird to just creep on another woman. I mean, like,
Speaker 1: how did you find me? Honest to God, I couldn't
Speaker 1: tell you. I cannot remember that. I truly can't. And
Speaker 1: then not too long after that, and now that in
Speaker 1: chaos and ude, yes, here we are today. I'm the
Speaker 1: episode one of How Happy Mess the group chat segment,
Speaker 1: and I want to talk about happiness because that's what
Speaker 1: this is all about. It's different for everyone. No two
Speaker 1: people's journeys look the same. No two people's definitions of
Speaker 1: happiness look the same. So for me, happiness is there's
Speaker 1: a quote that I can't quite get right. It's suck
Speaker 1: it up. But it's when what you do, what you say,
Speaker 1: what you believe, or something to that effect are all
Speaker 1: in agreement, all aligne. So basically, you don't have to
Speaker 1: show up anywhere different than you show up for yourself
Speaker 1: because you have the integrity you're operating with, the integrity
Speaker 1: that allows you to be the same person all the time.
Speaker 1: And the things that you feel quietly are a priority
Speaker 1: are also the things that you're prioritizing your everyday life.
Speaker 1: So your core value system, like I wake up happy
Speaker 1: because I'm not doing things that don't serve me anymore.
Speaker 1: That don't light me up. It doesn't matter if I'm paid.
Speaker 1: There was a time in my life where I just
Speaker 1: had to be paid successful. If it looked hot, if
Speaker 1: people would think Zeri's killing it, I was happy. I
Speaker 1: guess whatever happy meant at that time. Ten years later
Speaker 1: I realized I was nowhere near happy. I was kind
Speaker 1: of miserable. Now it's like, do I wake up and
Speaker 1: I'm excited? If nobody else ever knew that I was
Speaker 1: going to have the day that I was about to have,
Speaker 1: would I still be excited to have that day? That's
Speaker 1: happiness for me. So I want to know what is
Speaker 1: happiness for you guys? And then I just kind of
Speaker 1: want to get into the journey of it. How you
Speaker 1: got there, why you got there? Anybody I want to
Speaker 1: take it. Yeah, So happiness for me is being surrounded
Speaker 1: by the people that I love, also knowing that those
Speaker 1: people are happy, being in a beautiful space like I
Speaker 1: came from Indiana, So coming to a place that's like
Speaker 1: where I can be free and feel free, enjoy nature,
Speaker 1: be outside the active all year round, and also being
Speaker 1: in a space where I can people. That is happiness
Speaker 1: for me. And I think I used to think it
Speaker 1: was something else. I used to I used to feel
Speaker 1: like it was what society tells us, you know, what
Speaker 1: happiness is. And I learned I feel like later, like
Speaker 1: I just learned this a couple of years ago, that
Speaker 1: that's not necessarily what happiness is for me, and I
Speaker 1: had to create my own. But my happiness is very simple.
Speaker 1: But I've definitely had to create my own happy space
Speaker 1: and environment. It's been a journey for sure. Yeah, yeah, flash,
Speaker 1: what about you years back? If you would have asked me,
Speaker 1: like when in my twenties what happiness looks like, it
Speaker 1: would have been the cliche like, oh, I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: I've got money, I've got this, I've got that. I
Speaker 1: was playing Salon with my five year old niece so crazy.
Speaker 1: The dog was like running around chasing my niece, my
Speaker 1: daughter crawling while Tyler, my husband's trying to figure out
Speaker 1: how he's going to give these girls baths while I'm
Speaker 1: doing this podcast, And so I like, that is happiness.
Speaker 1: Like for me, for so long, I was doing things
Speaker 1: that made me happy in the moment, like dancing, going
Speaker 1: to this place, traveling, whatever. But I wasn't happy. But
Speaker 1: the fact that my life is so chaotic right now,
Speaker 1: we're going down to one income and we just raised
Speaker 1: our expenses like all in all of tomorrow, in the
Speaker 1: next day and the next month, then next year is
Speaker 1: like uncertain, and I don't know what we're gonna do
Speaker 1: or how we're gonna do it, but I know it's
Speaker 1: going to get done, and I know that our relationship
Speaker 1: is stronger, Like this is the closest I've been in
Speaker 1: a relationship with God, like just my entire life. Oh
Speaker 1: and learning how to say no that has helped me me.
Speaker 1: Being able to say no allowed me to do the
Speaker 1: things that replenished my spirit so that I can then
Speaker 1: give back to the people that I you know, I
Speaker 1: could get back to. Overall, I don't know if it
Speaker 1: was like the pandemic that really helped me slow down
Speaker 1: and get to this happiness, or if it was like
Speaker 1: the postpartum meds or what. But we're good now. Well,
Speaker 1: and I think too, like I think society also teaches
Speaker 1: us that being able to take on so many things
Speaker 1: or work super hard, which tends to be like taking
Speaker 1: on extra projects, working super long hours, Like it's it's
Speaker 1: almost like society teaches you that you're Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: you're so strong and you're able to do so much,
Speaker 1: and you're able to take on so much. So we
Speaker 1: grow up thinking that like, if we take on all
Speaker 1: this stuff, like I don't know, we're gonna get a
Speaker 1: medal for it or something or be recognized. And in
Speaker 1: all while we are drowning, we're trying to make other
Speaker 1: people happy when at the end of the day, like
Speaker 1: say you you quit your job tomorrow, people are going
Speaker 1: to replace you like the same day, like you're replaceable,
Speaker 1: and so it's like it's almost trying to make other
Speaker 1: people happy, like you were saying, see at the expense
Speaker 1: of your own peace and happiness, which you learn as
Speaker 1: you get older, it's just not worth it, right. I
Speaker 1: really feel like the switch to happiness happens, like the
Speaker 1: commitment to happiness, the commitment to being like I am
Speaker 1: no longer doing anything that doesn't serve me, happens when
Speaker 1: you reach a breaking point. It's like with anything, and
Speaker 1: that's when someone quits the job that they paid it
Speaker 1: for the last ten years. That's when somebody says, screw it,
Speaker 1: I'm breaking up with the guy who doesn't want the
Speaker 1: things that I know I've secretly wanted for years, and
Speaker 1: I hope that he would get on board with it
Speaker 1: when you just can't do it anymore. And so when
Speaker 1: it comes to being happy and living in a state
Speaker 1: of happiness, it normally comes from being so unhappy that
Speaker 1: you had to say screw it, throw whatever you were
Speaker 1: doing out of the window, and figure out how to
Speaker 1: do it differently because it was so bad that you
Speaker 1: just couldn't fake the funk anymore. Do you guys remember
Speaker 1: what you're what that chapter was for you, the time
Speaker 1: in your life, the circumstance where it was, like, you know,
Speaker 1: I am so fucking sad or unhappy or miserable that
Speaker 1: I don't know what has to change, but something's got
Speaker 1: to give, and I'm willing to give up who I've
Speaker 1: been or what I've been or what I've done. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like I feel, honestly, I feel like I'm still in
Speaker 1: that journey through. I'm still in therapy and that's helping
Speaker 1: and all this stuff, But y'all, I had not even
Speaker 1: found myself, Like I didn't know who I was. And
Speaker 1: on top of just having like normal insecurities, I was
Speaker 1: assaulted in my teens and that was like never addressed,
Speaker 1: never went to talk to anyone, just held it in.
Speaker 1: So here I am trying to, like now find myself
Speaker 1: by covering myself up, and I was able to fake
Speaker 1: the funk forever. People thought I was happy, but I
Speaker 1: was just happy in the moment doing things, and I
Speaker 1: was always looking for the next happiness. So I realized
Speaker 1: it when I was no longer a professional cheerleader. I
Speaker 1: was not in that realm anymore, and I had become
Speaker 1: a flight attendant. Every time someone would ask me you
Speaker 1: like about myself, um, I don't, and they could literally
Speaker 1: ask like, oh I like your sure or oh your
Speaker 1: hair is pretty, and I would find a way to
Speaker 1: put it in there that I was a cold cheerleader,
Speaker 1: that I was a pacers to like dancer. Did you
Speaker 1: feel like you identified so close that made people interesting?
Speaker 1: I think it was all of the buff like I
Speaker 1: did not know who I was, Like I wasn't anything
Speaker 1: more than that like to myself. Um. And so I
Speaker 1: think that's when I started realizing, Wow, like I'm really
Speaker 1: really not happy. It's just like my old life was
Speaker 1: my identifiers and I have since been finding um my
Speaker 1: new self and I you know, and I started with therapy.
Speaker 1: I think, especially in like the black community, people are
Speaker 1: afraid of going through feet and addressing some of those
Speaker 1: past issues has helped me create those current boundaries that
Speaker 1: I mean for my own happiness and for the happiness
Speaker 1: of my marriage and all of that stuff. And so yeah,
Speaker 1: I want to we're gonna talk about sort of that transition.
Speaker 1: But to your point, Ravasha, of that's the moment that
Speaker 1: you realize or the phase when you realized, wow, I'm
Speaker 1: really unhappy, Like there is no end goal. So like
Speaker 1: me even asking you that, it's not like and then
Speaker 1: when did you become happy? Because that's the whole point
Speaker 1: of it is, that doesn't happen. It's a state of mind.
Speaker 1: There's a commitment to a certain frame of mind, and
Speaker 1: it's just how you decide to look at life, who
Speaker 1: you decide you are, and there are ups and downs
Speaker 1: with that, and every day is not gonna be as
Speaker 1: amazing and shiny and sexy as you know, some of
Speaker 1: your best days. So it's not like I figured it
Speaker 1: out and now I'm not just a cold cheerleader. I'm
Speaker 1: this and this and this, and I am happy. Like
Speaker 1: you figure that out and you're happy, You're and you're
Speaker 1: in a state of knowing who you are and there's
Speaker 1: peace and happiness with that. But I just hope that
Speaker 1: people realize there is no indestination, Like there's nothing you
Speaker 1: arrive at. Like, if you have a point in mind,
Speaker 1: save yourself the time, save yourself the life, and just
Speaker 1: like throw that out of the window, because you will
Speaker 1: waste so much of your life and time trying to
Speaker 1: arrive at some destination that doesn't exist. It's just it's
Speaker 1: the way you approach the day to day of your life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's kind of how I feel about it, absolutely, Ashley.
Speaker 1: When did you so realize that you were unhappy? That
Speaker 1: you were like something's got to give. So I think
Speaker 1: for me happy it's been this line that's going up
Speaker 1: with some valleys. So I have like three distinct times
Speaker 1: in my life where I've been so unhappy that I've
Speaker 1: made changes, and every time I've made the change, it's
Speaker 1: just added to my life. And then I'll get to
Speaker 1: a place where I'm like unhappy and i have to
Speaker 1: make another change. But that's how I see my happiness,
Speaker 1: And to me, it's just growth, right, It's like you
Speaker 1: learn something new about yourself and then you take that
Speaker 1: and you grow on that and then you find something
Speaker 1: else new about yourself and then you keep growing. So
Speaker 1: I'll for sure say there was a time in twenty
Speaker 1: and twelve I was twenty seven and I was in
Speaker 1: like a bad situation ship lord of I actually was doing.
Speaker 1: And this is the crazy thing, because society teaches you that,
Speaker 1: like if you have a good job and you're making
Speaker 1: good money, life should be great, Like right do you
Speaker 1: have to complain about? Right? So I was really conflicted
Speaker 1: because all of that was true. At the same time,
Speaker 1: I was really unhappy with myself. I still had confidence issues.
Speaker 1: Situation ships for me, and past relationships really affected my
Speaker 1: confidence level that same It was like all these things
Speaker 1: happened that year. The same year, a male friend I
Speaker 1: was really close to being assaulted and I was threatened
Speaker 1: to have like this in my face. So that beat
Speaker 1: me down a lot because I didn't see that coming.
Speaker 1: I also like had a period of like blaming myself
Speaker 1: for that. So I was just trying to process all
Speaker 1: these things. And I just think it was like Odd's
Speaker 1: way of like telling me, like, you need to shed
Speaker 1: people in your life and you need to find out
Speaker 1: who you are. And I remember my mom specifically telling
Speaker 1: me like I was just like, we went to this
Speaker 1: Pacer game and I got in the car and I
Speaker 1: was bawling, and she was like, you really need to
Speaker 1: work on yourself. So that was one time. Ironically, I
Speaker 1: spent probably about six months really working on myself. I
Speaker 1: had been to therapy before, I had been diagnosed with
Speaker 1: chronic anxiety, so I already knew that that was part
Speaker 1: of me. I just had to figure out, like what
Speaker 1: my triggers were. I met my husband the next year,
Speaker 1: and I say this all the time that had I
Speaker 1: met him earlier, it would not have worked out. I
Speaker 1: just was not spiritually and mentally prepared for him. So
Speaker 1: God's timing on that was like huge, Thank God. So
Speaker 1: then we get come around to the year that we
Speaker 1: went to Spain, Europe for your birthday, ZERI, I felt
Speaker 1: really stuck. My career had It's gone well, with minor
Speaker 1: peaks and valleys throughout my career, so it's still going well.
Speaker 1: I had bought my home for myself, Like again, society
Speaker 1: is telling me, like, what are you upset about the
Speaker 1: check mark? Ye that you're supposed to want and now
Speaker 1: you should be exactly you got the house, you had
Speaker 1: the salary, you had the man, and yeah, you're beautiful,
Speaker 1: thank you. But I again felt really guilty because I
Speaker 1: was like, why I should not this. My anxiety was
Speaker 1: super high, and I just had a revelation on that trip.
Speaker 1: By that trip for me, as much as it was
Speaker 1: to celebrate you, was life changing for me because we
Speaker 1: went on this like four wheeling trip in the mountains,
Speaker 1: I realized, like I was thinking it was like two hours.
Speaker 1: I was like the whole time, I was like, this
Speaker 1: is what I should be doing. I should be surrounded
Speaker 1: by beauty in nature. I should feel free, and I
Speaker 1: am in Indiana feeling like super fucking stuck. I hate it.
Speaker 1: I mean I literally hated it. There. I called it
Speaker 1: my husband, who was my boyfriend at that point, and
Speaker 1: I was like, we're getting the funk out of Indie. Literally, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: I came. I was coming back to Arizona like three
Speaker 1: weeks later, and I was like, if I come back
Speaker 1: here and feel this energy, that's it. We're moving. So
Speaker 1: we made a plan of moves. But in the midst
Speaker 1: of that, I had I don't think I've ever been
Speaker 1: more depressed. Like the transition, you guys was so tough,
Speaker 1: but it was saying no to people. It was I
Speaker 1: had people in my ear like why would you do that?
Speaker 1: You have a house, you have a good job, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, I know, but I don't enjoy life right now,
Speaker 1: like I'm on anti depressive medication, like I'm on anxiety meds,
Speaker 1: Like I can't do this. I felt like I was
Speaker 1: fighting for my life every day. In the midst of that,
Speaker 1: I also knew I was making a change. It was
Speaker 1: just going through that. It's really hard. I mean, I
Speaker 1: love it. I love that you did that. Actually, I
Speaker 1: remember that phase, and I remember I was like, if
Speaker 1: anybody would do it, it was you. So that didn't
Speaker 1: surprise me. I was never like, oh, Ashley's never gonna
Speaker 1: do it, But when you did it, I was like,
Speaker 1: oh shit, actually doing that, like that was still a
Speaker 1: big deal. Like but that inspired me. So if us
Speaker 1: turning up and tworking any BISA inspired Joe, you actually
Speaker 1: coming back from me b Sa Milan and being like
Speaker 1: I'm going to Arizona, Arizona inspire me because I was like,
Speaker 1: oh wait, it was a reminder to me. I've always
Speaker 1: been that type of person, big risk, big reward. But
Speaker 1: the older you get. The more we tend to start
Speaker 1: to play it safe, we have more to lose, we
Speaker 1: have more at stake where people are depending on us.
Speaker 1: We have lived enough life to know we're not invincible,
Speaker 1: so we're a little more humble, which can be scary
Speaker 1: because you don't think everything's gonna work out because life
Speaker 1: has shown you she's not always gonna work out, So
Speaker 1: for you to still do that, I took so much
Speaker 1: inspiration from that and was like, damn, like she just
Speaker 1: went for it. For me, it was similar to you, Ashley,
Speaker 1: like you and I are both high achievers, high functioning,
Speaker 1: very career focused in the sense of it is very
Speaker 1: much a part of our identity to a certain extent,
Speaker 1: or at least for those the twenties. It was like
Speaker 1: I took so much pride in what I'd done and
Speaker 1: what I'd accomplished and what people would think of that
Speaker 1: because I had been trained to do that and so
Speaker 1: I won't. It brought me joy. I was proud of it,
Speaker 1: I was happy. I loved it, and not even in
Speaker 1: like an arrogant stunt way. And it was around the
Speaker 1: age of thirty, because thirty is when I had just
Speaker 1: gotten know of a four to five year relationship, one
Speaker 1: that I had been thinking about even for a long
Speaker 1: time and probably should have left sooner than I had.
Speaker 1: And so I, at thirty, was living for me for
Speaker 1: the first time and so long, and having been a
Speaker 1: people pleaser, having been a high achiever, having been a giver,
Speaker 1: I was trying to figure out who I was. I
Speaker 1: didn't know I came out of that relationship, and when
Speaker 1: I got into it, I was only like twenty four
Speaker 1: or twenty five, and wasn't I knew who I was
Speaker 1: in my early twenties in the sense of, Oh, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna kill the game, I'm a high achiever, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: check these boxes, I'm gonna get these jobs. But I
Speaker 1: hadn't sat with Zuri single even in college. I felt
Speaker 1: like the last ten years of my life, my twenties,
Speaker 1: I felt like I was fighting against I was suppressing,
Speaker 1: which is such a sad word. I was suppressing who
Speaker 1: I felt I might be if I had the space
Speaker 1: to be here. So I tried to date, and I
Speaker 1: could feel I could feel my spirit coming alive. I
Speaker 1: could feel Zuri starting to kick up dust. And y'all,
Speaker 1: I'm still afraid of who Zuri might be, but I
Speaker 1: felt it kicking up. And then men came around and
Speaker 1: I was attracted to them. I was dating. I was
Speaker 1: going whatever I think, since, oh this is a virgin.
Speaker 1: Oh she's untouched. Oh she's not dated around. So I
Speaker 1: was what the world had told me to be, this
Speaker 1: prized virgin who didn't date a lot and respect. The
Speaker 1: guy was going to swoop in, yes, and he was
Speaker 1: going to choose me, and I should be lucky to
Speaker 1: be chosen. And the entire time, something in my gut
Speaker 1: was fighting that. And then my next relationship the same thing.
Speaker 1: So anyways, so I got in this rhythm, this pattern
Speaker 1: of not being happy but not being unhappy, and assuming
Speaker 1: that this was as good as it could get. So
Speaker 1: I accepted it. And I've just learned to be happy
Speaker 1: in these things because I had these guys that treated
Speaker 1: me right for the most part. And that was at
Speaker 1: when I turned thirty and I broke up and I
Speaker 1: left my current that relationship because of a lot of
Speaker 1: stuff that went down. I was single at thirty and
Speaker 1: I was figuring out who I was for the first time,
Speaker 1: and I had so much space to do it that
Speaker 1: I was afraid and terrified in the most exciting and
Speaker 1: exhilarating way. It is like walking into a fucking candy
Speaker 1: shop and being like, what do you want? The tab
Speaker 1: is open? And so I spent that time figuring out
Speaker 1: what I wanted and what was crazy was being free
Speaker 1: romantically freed me up mentally and emotionally to also be like, wait,
Speaker 1: this is what it feels like to be happy in
Speaker 1: my personal romantic life. Am I happy in my professional life? Like?
Speaker 1: Now I'm starting to see what it feels like to
Speaker 1: step into my own romantically. I'm like, well, hold up,
Speaker 1: what job would I choose? If I could start fresh
Speaker 1: and choose a job. What would I wake up and
Speaker 1: do it every morning? If I could wake up and
Speaker 1: do it? And I realized I had gotten to a
Speaker 1: point where I was so miserable. And we will talk
Speaker 1: about this in a later series about career ambition, about
Speaker 1: pivoting when you're unhappy, especially in career. I was so
Speaker 1: unhappy in my job, and it was no one's fault.
Speaker 1: But I had outgrown what I was doing, and my
Speaker 1: core value system got stronger over time. And I credit
Speaker 1: that to my parents, to my family, to who I am,
Speaker 1: But it had out and stronger, and so it was
Speaker 1: the alarm bells ringing inside of me, saying, we can't
Speaker 1: do this anymore, not if we want to be who
Speaker 1: we are. And so all I'd ever been was a
Speaker 1: high achieving career killer. And so to continue to achieve
Speaker 1: high in this space that I was in and kill
Speaker 1: my career, I had to be something different suddenly, And
Speaker 1: because I didn't know who I was, I said, Okay, well,
Speaker 1: Zuri achieves, she figures out what she needs to do
Speaker 1: to be the best in whatever space she is in,
Speaker 1: when the question I should have been asking is do
Speaker 1: I even want to be in this space? So I
Speaker 1: started sacrificing who I was to be this high achiever,
Speaker 1: and at a certain point I was like, maybe this
Speaker 1: ain't it. Maybe I'm not just built to achieve and
Speaker 1: to check the boxes. I was crying every day. I
Speaker 1: would go out during my fifteen second lunchbreak and sob
Speaker 1: and then pull it together, go back inside and be
Speaker 1: who I was suddenly expected to be, to be who
Speaker 1: I'd always been, who was the girl who gets it
Speaker 1: right and does what she's expected to do, and we
Speaker 1: can counter her to give whatever we need, not who
Speaker 1: she is. She'll give what we need, doesn't matter what
Speaker 1: she wants. And at a certain point I realized, I don't.
Speaker 1: There is not a job I want. There is not
Speaker 1: a human I want. There is not a career path
Speaker 1: I want that is worth trading in who I am
Speaker 1: and what I stand for. And I was afraid. I
Speaker 1: thought I was going to lose my job. I really did,
Speaker 1: because I was done. I just woke up one day
Speaker 1: and I was done, and I was like, I might
Speaker 1: lose his job tomorrow, but I can't lose myself anymore
Speaker 1: than I've lost me. And at that point I was
Speaker 1: so afraid. I called my dad. We cried together, and
Speaker 1: you know, he was so proud of me for that,
Speaker 1: and he was the one that I was nervous about
Speaker 1: because he was the one who trained me to be
Speaker 1: this little soldier to get the job done, like you know,
Speaker 1: And in that moment, I realized, holy shit, I've got
Speaker 1: it so wrong. And of course my dad doesn't care
Speaker 1: about this shit that I just thought. He did like
Speaker 1: he is. So he were crying together because he sees
Speaker 1: that he did a good job with his daughter. And
Speaker 1: it wasn't the accolades, the job, the promotions, the trophies
Speaker 1: that did it. It was him realizing I taught this
Speaker 1: girl who she is and it has nothing to do
Speaker 1: with what she's done. And she sees it now and
Speaker 1: she gets it, and she's willing to walk away from
Speaker 1: all this shit to commit to that, To be that
Speaker 1: it's been hard. There is a hard moment because again,
Speaker 1: when you put so much of your worth into accomplishment
Speaker 1: succeeding and you start to realize, oh, they're operating by
Speaker 1: a different playbook, so it takes something different to succeed.
Speaker 1: You have to choose at a certain point do I
Speaker 1: want to succeed or do I want to be who
Speaker 1: I am and who I'm proud about being. And I
Speaker 1: reached that point where I had to decide, and I
Speaker 1: chose to be who I am and who I was
Speaker 1: going to be, because there's nothing I want to be
Speaker 1: more than I want to be Joe's daughter and Valencia's
Speaker 1: daughter and the sister of my two brothers, and that girl,
Speaker 1: that woman at this point is very different from what
Speaker 1: you know. A chapter in my life was asking of
Speaker 1: me if I wanted to, you know, play by their
Speaker 1: rules and operating their space and be acknowledged for it.
Speaker 1: And I thank god that I didn't, because the truth is,
Speaker 1: you think you're giving something up, but really you are
Speaker 1: making space for something new. And then I realized as
Speaker 1: soon as I did that, the universe shifted. It's so
Speaker 1: woo woo y'all, I know, But the universe shifted and
Speaker 1: mashed me the same way. I walked into work the
Speaker 1: next day, and the energy shifted to mash my energy.
Speaker 1: The industry. My industry shifted to match the industry, and
Speaker 1: suddenly opportunities presented themselves where I could be who I was,
Speaker 1: and that was not just accepted, it was celebrated. And
Speaker 1: I just wasn't ready to see it or brave enough
Speaker 1: or clearheaded enough to just step outside of a cage,
Speaker 1: because it's saying, with the relationships, you will be in
Speaker 1: a whole cage. Convince yourself there's no opening the door
Speaker 1: when the truth is, did you try to turn the knob?
Speaker 1: Did you even try to open it? I shared a
Speaker 1: lot of my journey last year, and I've been been
Speaker 1: a lot more open about my struggles with anxiety and
Speaker 1: intermittent depression and how this move like really, I mean,
Speaker 1: I still have anxiety, that's just a part of me.
Speaker 1: It's just a lot less and I know my triggers.
Speaker 1: I know how to manage it a lot better, and
Speaker 1: I don't take medication anymore, which is amazing. But I
Speaker 1: always like, when I was going through the journey, I
Speaker 1: was like, I really hope this inspires other people to
Speaker 1: know that when you believe in who you are, you
Speaker 1: believe in yourself, you have faith. You know, you kind
Speaker 1: of have the confidence to just take a leap of
Speaker 1: faith that things will work in your favor. And I'm
Speaker 1: not saying they're they're not going to work without like
Speaker 1: bumps in the road, staying true to who you are
Speaker 1: and believing in yourself and having faith all of those
Speaker 1: things together, the universe will come together and it will
Speaker 1: work in your favor. I really believe that. So this
Speaker 1: was Everyone always talks about The Alchemist. Sometimes they make
Speaker 1: it sound like it's like a basic bitch book for
Speaker 1: like self discovery. But I'm like, whatever, but I'm a
Speaker 1: basimitch because I read it and like I just discovered myself.
Speaker 1: But you, guys, I recommend The Alchemist. Will make sure
Speaker 1: you guys have in the show notes how you can
Speaker 1: get you know the book or where to buy. But
Speaker 1: there's a quote the author is Paolo Quelo and it says,
Speaker 1: and when you want something, all the universe conspires in
Speaker 1: helping you to achieve it. Yes. And then there's another
Speaker 1: quote that says, it's the possibility of having a dream
Speaker 1: come true that makes life interesting. And it is so true.
Speaker 1: I didn't realize it at the time because I wasn't
Speaker 1: that deep in my journey. But looking back, Yes, anytime
Speaker 1: I have set an intention and just commit it to it,
Speaker 1: it's like the Uni versus just clearing that path. God
Speaker 1: is like, all right, well, let me just move him
Speaker 1: out of your way. All right, well, let me just whatever.
Speaker 1: I can't wait for the relationship series, y'all. Oh my god.
Speaker 1: I just throw up at hell Mary because I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god. We've got the website at happy mess
Speaker 1: dot com. We're gonna have a secret Facebook group where
Speaker 1: you can go to join in notes ideas like resources um,
Speaker 1: and then the Instagram page at hot happy Mess soum.
Speaker 1: Justin closing, there's so much more we could talk about.
Speaker 1: I'm excited because this is a full series. This is
Speaker 1: the group chat, So y'all aren't going anywhere. I have,
Speaker 1: you know, six of my closest friends on this amazing
Speaker 1: rotation to dive into all of this stuff that we're
Speaker 1: gonna be talking about on this podcast. You'll get my
Speaker 1: solo commentary. We're gonna have experts. If you love ash,
Speaker 1: if you love we're gonna get so much more from them.
Speaker 1: So if you're not um, they will be back and
Speaker 1: we will be talking about more of this. Just really quickly.
Speaker 1: As like a fun way to close it out, We're
Speaker 1: gonna make a happiness cocktail, and this one's gonna be superficial,
Speaker 1: so we don't have to get to what would your
Speaker 1: happiness cocktail include? What is your happiness cocktail? Comprised? Uh,
Speaker 1: I'll take this one because I like to. I would say,
Speaker 1: first for me, UM, it'd probably be like three ounces
Speaker 1: of family. Okay, the fact that you're giving us three
Speaker 1: family um naturally, one ounce of travel, and then the
Speaker 1: other three ounces. This is a big drink Um. The
Speaker 1: other three ounces of um God and God in my
Speaker 1: life and my spirituality, those are huge family and God
Speaker 1: with a splash of travel. Anytime I'm upset, I just
Speaker 1: take a little quick trip um and yeah that's it. Okay.
Speaker 1: That like a little Marchino cherry on the top with
Speaker 1: a little cherry people, cherry there we go. I love it.
Speaker 1: Love the cocktail, ash, what's your happiness cocktail? Gosh, this
Speaker 1: is what I was gonna say initially, Um some wine exactly.
Speaker 1: My people so friends, family are all one right. Grew
Speaker 1: out in the world like yeah, yes, yea here with
Speaker 1: no real plan, but just yes, um my happiness cocktail
Speaker 1: uh wine, wine and food. Food. Honestly, it brings me
Speaker 1: so much joy um and the curation and creating of it.
Speaker 1: So I loved cooking. I love being served food and
Speaker 1: drink like at a restaurant, like dining out, I love serving,
Speaker 1: I love hospitality. So it's really the experience of food
Speaker 1: and drink for me that goes into my next thing,
Speaker 1: which would one hundred percent be family and friends. Like
Speaker 1: especially over the last few years, the way I used
Speaker 1: to crave a new destination or a new country to visit,
Speaker 1: I just crave going home. I just crave going to Toledo,
Speaker 1: probably because I don't live there. I don't really live
Speaker 1: there good, but it's like on my spirit to just
Speaker 1: be back all the time because of the people who
Speaker 1: are there. I love my people so much, and y'all,
Speaker 1: like you know, we we do our group trips. I'm
Speaker 1: always trying to curate at least one big get together
Speaker 1: per year, so a family and friends would be the
Speaker 1: second one, my third one. I would say, I'm not
Speaker 1: good at this. I'm getting better. And that's what this
Speaker 1: whole show is about, is the journey to this, but
Speaker 1: meditation and sort of that bubble of spiritual enlightenment and growth.
Speaker 1: So and I don't just mean religion, so I'm not
Speaker 1: just talking my Christianity. I'm talking sitting with myself, meditating, reflecting,
Speaker 1: learning to be still and not need to do or
Speaker 1: say or be anything, because that in itself is kind
Speaker 1: of the goal from my life at this point that
Speaker 1: if I never did another thing, I am still enough
Speaker 1: and I am still on the journey of believing that.
Speaker 1: I would be lying if I said I didn't still
Speaker 1: feel the need or desire to do and to accomplish.
Speaker 1: And I take joy from that. It's my personality. Type
Speaker 1: will get into that in another episode. Um, but I
Speaker 1: want to be okay, I want to I want to
Speaker 1: be happy, to be still. I want to not always
Speaker 1: feel the need to do more. And I'm here for
Speaker 1: a reason, and that's the reason I'm here. Like I
Speaker 1: don't need to do anything else, you know. And it's
Speaker 1: the same with you, travash and the same with you Ashley.
Speaker 1: Like our lives are blessings. We should be so grateful
Speaker 1: for them, but we don't need to feel like there's
Speaker 1: this constant pressure to impress and do with our lives
Speaker 1: all these You've only got a short, short amount of time.
Speaker 1: You will go into the grave exhausted. So I've just
Speaker 1: been trying to dedicate myself more to my meditation practice
Speaker 1: and and you know all my chance and my chakra aligning. Okay, Vosh, Ashley,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. This was a great first group
Speaker 1: good it was so long, how could it not? Okay?
Speaker 1: I love you guys. What's over the next? Hi? Happy?
Speaker 1: I love them so much. Um. You'll get to know
Speaker 1: the rest of the group chat girls as the show
Speaker 1: goes on, so stay tuned. In the meantime, I promised
Speaker 1: you a party trick. The party trick is our sexy, fun, cool,
Speaker 1: super quick segment where we just give you a little
Speaker 1: something something. So this week's party trick as promised three
Speaker 1: happiness hacks that you can apply to your life to day.
Speaker 1: Easy peasy, here you go. Three happiness tacks Number one
Speaker 1: minding your business and biting and biting your tongue. It's
Speaker 1: you just care for my whole life. You just care
Speaker 1: for everybody's life. I'm straight off the gate. Okay, I
Speaker 1: love it. Yeah, I mean sometimes we hear people say
Speaker 1: stuff and we just gotta jump in a correct them.
Speaker 1: And I you know, it's very peaceful to just allow
Speaker 1: people to be wrong, just let them. You could say
Speaker 1: whatever you want the sky's paint. Okay. It feels good
Speaker 1: to me to not having an argument. That just makes
Speaker 1: me happy. Yeah, oh that might be the best one already. Already,
Speaker 1: mind your business, y'all. All right, let's just go on
Speaker 1: about her things. Yeah. Number two is remember that people
Speaker 1: are human beings. So as we are on social media,
Speaker 1: as we are looking at things, consider the whole person
Speaker 1: and not just what you see. As people, we experience
Speaker 1: so much and we see a cute little picture with
Speaker 1: two little kids and the little dog, and we're not
Speaker 1: even thinking that the lady probably got p on the
Speaker 1: end of addresses. You know, we just, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: this is the look at this fair. I gotta how
Speaker 1: this fam Consider the whole story, you know, it's it's
Speaker 1: a whole picture behind the picture, so don't get caught
Speaker 1: up in what you you see. Gosh. Number three, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go back to gratitude. I think it's so important
Speaker 1: to remember something to be grateful for. One of the
Speaker 1: practices that I use is I have a friend and
Speaker 1: we email each other every day just one thing we're
Speaker 1: grateful for. So it helps us stay accountable, right like,
Speaker 1: because some days out forgetting it. I see her email
Speaker 1: and I'm like, ah, guy said yes. So it's like
Speaker 1: an accountability partner because it's so important just to remember
Speaker 1: that things are going well. And sometimes when I'm like
Speaker 1: in a funk, I go back and look at those
Speaker 1: and I'm like, girl, like you know, you have to
Speaker 1: get really creative when you're permitted to being grateful because
Speaker 1: there are so many things that could get you down.
Speaker 1: And when you just reflect on I'm like wow, like
Speaker 1: I remember when this was the thing and now it's
Speaker 1: not anymore. Just the progress of where you are in
Speaker 1: life makes me happy, Like WHOA, Yes, that feels good.
Speaker 1: Progress feels great. Right All right, y'all, I hope you
Speaker 1: enjoyed my very first episode of Hot Happy Mess. I'm
Speaker 1: so excited to be on this journey with you stick
Speaker 1: around because next episode you don't want to miss. Remember
Speaker 1: it's a series. This is the Protect jo P Series. Okay,
Speaker 1: So we are talking about obsessive comparison disorder, because yes,
Speaker 1: it's a thing. Social media only makes it worse. We
Speaker 1: also do it in our everyday lives. But I am
Speaker 1: talking with some amazing experts who are breaking it all down.
Speaker 1: They're going to crack the code on how you can
Speaker 1: step out of that and into you know, more peace
Speaker 1: and not just acceptance, but celebration for where you are
Speaker 1: in your life and so much more. So make sure
Speaker 1: you go ahead and check out episode two. And in
Speaker 1: the meantime, are you subscribed? Make sure you subscribe Okay,
Speaker 1: so you don't miss an episode. Hit the subscribe button,
Speaker 1: leave a five star review, put a thing, leave a comment,
Speaker 1: Let me know what you liked, what you loved, what
Speaker 1: you'd love to see more of. As we continue this
Speaker 1: Hot Happy Mess journey and follow us, we are building
Speaker 1: an amazing, inclusive, diverse community of just badass women over
Speaker 1: on social media, especially Instagram. Right now at Hot Happy
Speaker 1: Mess you can find me Zuri Hall at Zuri z
Speaker 1: u r I H A l L. So keep up
Speaker 1: with this over there in the meantime. That's it for
Speaker 1: this one. I will talk to you in the next one.
Speaker 1: Until then, by