Speaker 1: Where do you excel? Where do you truly shine? I
Speaker 1: want you to be so aware of that, and I
Speaker 1: want you to know that because when you know you
Speaker 1: have strengths and then you know your weaknesses, you can
Speaker 1: live between acceptance and assessment. But often we don't live
Speaker 1: in acceptance. We live in criticism because we only know
Speaker 1: our flaws. We know our flaws deeply, and we know
Speaker 1: our strengths weakly. And because we don't have a deep
Speaker 1: understanding of our own strengths, that's where a lack of
Speaker 1: self esteem and self confidence comes from. Hey, everyone, welcome
Speaker 1: back to our Purpose, the number one health podcast in
Speaker 1: the world. If you're listening, you're investing in your physical, mental, emotional, financial,
Speaker 1: and spiritual health. On Purpose is the space, the safe
Speaker 1: space where we create conversations, dialogue, insights, research on how
Speaker 1: you can simply, practically and in a focused way, create
Speaker 1: change in your life. If you want to change habits,
Speaker 1: you're in the right place. If you want to change
Speaker 1: and transform patterns of thought, you're in exactly the right place.
Speaker 1: And if you want to create change in the world,
Speaker 1: affect change in the world, you're in the right place.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining me. My name is
Speaker 1: Jay Shetty. If you've been here before, I am so
Speaker 1: grateful to you. You mean the world to me. If
Speaker 1: you've never been here before and this is your first episode,
Speaker 1: I want to thank you for being here. I am
Speaker 1: so deeply committed to this community that we have, and
Speaker 1: it has been astounding to me at how many of
Speaker 1: you are listening to episodes on the daily now, and
Speaker 1: the feedback I hear from you all is that the
Speaker 1: more you listen, the more you grow, the more you change,
Speaker 1: the more you're able to affect change in your lives
Speaker 1: and the people that you love. And that fills me
Speaker 1: with so much joy. It fills me with so much
Speaker 1: excitement and happiness. So thank you so much for doing that. Now.
Speaker 1: Today's topic is something I've been thinking about for a while,
Speaker 1: and it's because it's something that's come up with my
Speaker 1: clients now. As some of you know, I'm a life coach,
Speaker 1: a relationship coach, and I work with different people. All
Speaker 1: of my clients also have a therapist. I really believe
Speaker 1: in co serving with a therapist because I believe that
Speaker 1: therapists fantastically help people entangle their past and really makes
Speaker 1: sense of the thoughts and patterns that they've developed, and
Speaker 1: as a coach, it's really about building forward. But this
Speaker 1: was a theme that kept recurring in some of my sessions,
Speaker 1: and I would talk to a lot of my therapist
Speaker 1: friends about this a lot as well. And it's all
Speaker 1: about narcism. And I started to find out that a
Speaker 1: lot of people that I was working with may have
Speaker 1: been dating a narcissist at one point in time, may
Speaker 1: have come up with someone or being with someone at
Speaker 1: some point in their life who had narcissistic personality disorder.
Speaker 1: And so I became more interesting did in this space.
Speaker 1: And so I've been researching learning about the space, and
Speaker 1: I wanted to share it with you today because I
Speaker 1: think it's important. Today you will discover that approximately zero
Speaker 1: point five percent of the United States population, or one
Speaker 1: in two hundred people, has narcissistic personality disorder. And this
Speaker 1: is study from the Recovery Village. And so when you
Speaker 1: hear that number, you think, well, that's not a lot
Speaker 1: of people. I'm not likely to bump into someone. But
Speaker 1: we realize that there are a lot of people that
Speaker 1: are on that spectrum, and so some of us may
Speaker 1: have dealt with someone who's in an extreme case and
Speaker 1: some people less so. But we start to recognize that
Speaker 1: there are also significant gender differences when it comes to
Speaker 1: the prevalence of the disorder. Says Recovery Village that seventy
Speaker 1: five percent of people with narcissistic personality disorder are men,
Speaker 1: and the demographics go on to give a bit more detail.
Speaker 1: Two to six percent of those seek help from mental
Speaker 1: health clinics, six percent of forensic analysts, twenty percent of
Speaker 1: people in the military, and seventeen percent of first year
Speaker 1: medical students. Now, a lot of what I'm going to
Speaker 1: share with you today are more signs that you can
Speaker 1: notice in people. And even if that person doesn't have
Speaker 1: narcissistic personality disorder or MPD, they may have certain traits.
Speaker 1: And it's important for us to be mindful of these
Speaker 1: traits in people we meet and even in ourselves, because
Speaker 1: a lot of these traits can create a lot of
Speaker 1: challenges moving forward for us and for our relationships. So
Speaker 1: sometimes when I reflect on this list, I actually find
Speaker 1: that there are elements of this in a lot of people, right,
Speaker 1: and it's just valuable for us to be aware so
Speaker 1: we can actually navigate our relationships better. So here are
Speaker 1: the ways to know if you're with the narcissist dating
Speaker 1: in our this may be married to one. Maybe you
Speaker 1: have elements of this in yourself. And I want to
Speaker 1: do this in a safe space of acceptance and non
Speaker 1: judgment and encouraging us to find help and support, whether
Speaker 1: it's through therapy in the beginning and of course through
Speaker 1: coaching long term, to just encourage you to move towards that.
Speaker 1: Whether you're with someone that way, you know a friend
Speaker 1: who's in that scenario as well, because sometimes we find
Speaker 1: out too late and act too late. So one of
Speaker 1: the first simplest ways that we start to notice that
Speaker 1: someone has narcissistic tendencies is that they struggle to talk
Speaker 1: about others for too long. The conversation has to constantly
Speaker 1: shift back to talking about them. So if they start
Speaker 1: a conversation, it will often be about them. If they
Speaker 1: start a conversation, it will often reflect on everyone talking
Speaker 1: about them. They enjoy the idea of plant hunting the
Speaker 1: seed of a problem in a group of people and
Speaker 1: hearing what everyone has to say about them, And so
Speaker 1: we start to notice that if the conversation veers off,
Speaker 1: if the conversation goes in another direction, they will want
Speaker 1: to drag the conversation back to them. Now, often when
Speaker 1: we're around these people will say things like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: they're so selfish, or they're so self centered, or we
Speaker 1: don't enjoy being around that kind of person because we
Speaker 1: always feel unheard or we feel like that person's unaware
Speaker 1: of us. And this can stay in relationships for years
Speaker 1: before someone asks for help or someone even knows that
Speaker 1: they have this trait, and it takes a lot of
Speaker 1: courage as a friend to share this with them. And
Speaker 1: often we're not the right person, we may not be
Speaker 1: close enough, we may not have the trust of that individual,
Speaker 1: And I think we have to be aware of that
Speaker 1: that if you're going to say to someone that you
Speaker 1: know that they are self centered or selfish, or the
Speaker 1: conversation is always about them, it's important that you also
Speaker 1: do this in a compassionate, loving way. It's very easy
Speaker 1: to assume that they should know and they should realize,
Speaker 1: but making them aware is extremely healthy if you're the
Speaker 1: right person, And of course doing it through the right
Speaker 1: person is even more important. Someone that that person trusts, respects,
Speaker 1: maybe even looks up to is what's truly needed. Now.
Speaker 1: An extended part of this Number two is that this
Speaker 1: person craves attention. Right, They crave attention. They want everything
Speaker 1: at the party to be about them. They want everything
Speaker 1: at the event to be about them. They're not great
Speaker 1: at celebrating others. They struggle when someone else is the
Speaker 1: center of attention. Think about proposing at someone else's wedding,
Speaker 1: think about announcing something at someone else's birthday. These are
Speaker 1: all methods to crave attention, and the Mayo Clinic says
Speaker 1: that although the cause of narcissistic personality disorder isn't known,
Speaker 1: some researchers think that in biologically vulnerable children, parenting styles
Speaker 1: that are overprotective all neglectful may have an impact. Genetics
Speaker 1: and neurobiology also may play a role in the development
Speaker 1: of narcissistic personality disorder, so we start to recognize it's
Speaker 1: not that that person doesn't have a choice and you're
Speaker 1: feeling sorry for them, but it is understanding the context
Speaker 1: of how they got there. The Mayo Clinic also says that,
Speaker 1: as with personality development and with other mental health disorders,
Speaker 1: even though the cause is complex, there's three areas that
Speaker 1: it can be linked to. The first is environment mismatches
Speaker 1: in parent child relationships with either excessive adoration or excessive
Speaker 1: criticism that is poorly attuned to the child's experience. I
Speaker 1: found this fascinating. Right, So, this idea that someone craves
Speaker 1: attention is because they received so much attention growing up
Speaker 1: for every tiny thing they did that they're now looking
Speaker 1: for everyone to give them the same thing. Or it
Speaker 1: was the opposite. They were given no attention for anything
Speaker 1: they did, and so there's this natural movement towards it. Now.
Speaker 1: I'm sure as you're listening to this, you may be thinking, Jay,
Speaker 1: I feel like that a bit. There's times when I
Speaker 1: want attention because I didn't get any, or there's times
Speaker 1: when I want attention because my parents always gave me some.
Speaker 1: So you can start to notice how we all have
Speaker 1: different aspects of this within ourselves, within the development of
Speaker 1: our own personality. Now, whether we notice it is one thing,
Speaker 1: whether someone else notices it is another, and whether it's
Speaker 1: a recurring pattern is another. So we start to see
Speaker 1: how the prevalence of this in our life is dependent
Speaker 1: on how obvious it is and how repetitive it is
Speaker 1: to the people around us. We often find that we
Speaker 1: can be self aware about something, but most people are
Speaker 1: round us don't notice it, or we're self aware and
Speaker 1: someone notices it. And not only are we self aware,
Speaker 1: not only does someone notice it, but it is a
Speaker 1: repetitive cycle. Us being aware of it ourselves is really
Speaker 1: powerful because self awareness is where all change begins. But
Speaker 1: at the same time, there are lots of people in
Speaker 1: our lives, including us, who we sometimes miss this. We
Speaker 1: miss the understanding because from our perspective, we think we're right. Well,
Speaker 1: of course I crave attention. Everyone craves attention, and we
Speaker 1: assume that because we crave attention, everyone must be craving
Speaker 1: the same thing. So now it makes it a competition.
Speaker 1: So we can find that in MPD and in terms
Speaker 1: of being a narcissist, that becomes this craving of competition.
Speaker 1: The other cause that comes up by the Mayo clinic
Speaker 1: is genetics inherited characteristics. Of course, if family members had
Speaker 1: aspects of this, we start to mirror it, we start
Speaker 1: to replicate it. And then it is neurobiology, the connection
Speaker 1: between the brain and behavior and thinking. And of course
Speaker 1: the biggest area of negative impact this creates is in
Speaker 1: relationship difficulties, because we start to recognize that people really
Speaker 1: struggle to connect deeply with someone who has narcissistic tendencies,
Speaker 1: or we connect for a certain period of time, but
Speaker 1: then often people feel exhausted and drained. The third way
Speaker 1: to know that you're with a narcissist is that they
Speaker 1: don't accept responsibility if they make a mistake. They're not
Speaker 1: vulnerable enough, they're not open enough to accept that they
Speaker 1: are part of the problem. And I think in relationships
Speaker 1: this often becomes a big, big, big issue because when
Speaker 1: someone doesn't take responsibility, sometimes we can take it all
Speaker 1: on ourselves and we think it's all our fault. We
Speaker 1: think it's all because of us, and when that person
Speaker 1: doesn't take responsibility, we can often start to feel like
Speaker 1: we're the only ones responsible. All the opposite happens. We
Speaker 1: know we're not the only ones responsible, but we keep waiting,
Speaker 1: maybe even forcing, for them to take responsibility. But the
Speaker 1: penny hasn't dropped for them yet. They haven't had it
Speaker 1: click yet that they are a part of the challenge
Speaker 1: that exists. The fourth way of knowing is that they
Speaker 1: make you feel like you're wrong. That comes from the
Speaker 1: last one. When someone doesn't accept responsibility. A big part
Speaker 1: of that is they make you feel like you're wrong.
Speaker 1: Now iver clients who've been in this space of being
Speaker 1: made to feel like they're the ones that are wrong,
Speaker 1: they're the ones that are responsible. And whenever they've been
Speaker 1: in this position, the thing that I found is that
Speaker 1: they internalize it. If you're sincere, if you're genuine, you
Speaker 1: start to internalize this, and this starts to play on
Speaker 1: your own self worth and your own self esteem. And
Speaker 1: this is why I'm doing this episode because I believe
Speaker 1: that where we want to get to is this perfect
Speaker 1: balance of assessment and examination of ourselves but acceptance of ourselves. Right,
Speaker 1: you've got assessment of yourself, but you've got acceptance on
Speaker 1: you of yourself. That's where we want to live between
Speaker 1: those two words, when often what we live between is
Speaker 1: perfection and completely pulverizing ourselves. Or we live between criticizing
Speaker 1: ourselves or falsely cheering ourselves on, or we live in
Speaker 1: between judging ourselves or trying to boost ourselves up. And
Speaker 1: what I find is that acceptance and assessment are healthier words.
Speaker 1: For example, should we assess whether we're improving and growing?
Speaker 1: Of course we should. Should we examine whether we've grown
Speaker 1: since last year and developed? Of course we should, but
Speaker 1: when we do that in a critical way. So the
Speaker 1: question is, how do you assess yourself without being critical?
Speaker 1: How do you examine yourself without being judgmental? Here's a
Speaker 1: way to do it. The way to do it is
Speaker 1: be more regular and consistent with assessing yourself and having
Speaker 1: clear criteria. For example, let's say I'm really committed to
Speaker 1: become more organized. Right, Let's say that's a personal commitment
Speaker 1: for me, and so today I'll say, on a scale
Speaker 1: of one to ten, how organized do I think I am?
Speaker 1: And let's say I give myself a five. This is hypothetical,
Speaker 1: by the way, I consider myself to be very organized.
Speaker 1: And now I come up with a plan to be organized,
Speaker 1: and in a month's time, I ask myself the same question,
Speaker 1: how organized do I think I am? And I may say, well,
Speaker 1: I'm at six. Now I'm measuring progress, and because I've
Speaker 1: done that month on month and now twelve months, I
Speaker 1: could say, oh, I'm out a seven and a half.
Speaker 1: That's amazing. I've gone up two and a half points
Speaker 1: done when I started, and now I feel really confident
Speaker 1: about this area. The mistake we make is what we
Speaker 1: kind of just think about in our head, but we
Speaker 1: don't have a scale. We make it subjective. We ask
Speaker 1: ourselves randomly on any given day when something goes wrong,
Speaker 1: how we feel about ourselves, and of course we don't
Speaker 1: rate ourselves highly. We've been getting so many amazing reviews
Speaker 1: for The Daily Jay, my new daily guided meditation series
Speaker 1: on the car Map. You might have heard a couple
Speaker 1: of snippets on the podcast for a few weeks, so
Speaker 1: in case you haven't had the chance to check it out,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to share this review from Caitlin, an
Speaker 1: elementary school teacher from New Jersey. He's what she had
Speaker 1: to say. I have over nine years of experience in
Speaker 1: the American public school education system, including teaching throughout the pandemic.
Speaker 1: Over the past two years, I've seen extreme cases of
Speaker 1: anxiety and my students like never before. Many of these
Speaker 1: children have never experienced these feelings before, and a most
Speaker 1: are not even sure of what they are feeling. My
Speaker 1: school district has spent a great deal of time focusing
Speaker 1: on social emotional learning sel through this school year. We
Speaker 1: try to teach coping skills and focus on teaching kids
Speaker 1: how to deal with their feelings and become the best
Speaker 1: version of themselves. As someone who has also been experiencing
Speaker 1: the many anxieties of the world today. I have recently
Speaker 1: downloaded the car mapp thanks to my mom. My mom
Speaker 1: and I are big fans of yours, and once she
Speaker 1: heard that you will have seven minutes of Daily Jay
Speaker 1: each day, she encouraged me in doing this. Your meaningful
Speaker 1: ideas and meditation have quickly become part of my daily routine,
Speaker 1: so much that I've begun incorporating some of them into
Speaker 1: my sel morning meetings with my third graders. If you've
Speaker 1: ever wanted to meditate with me, join me on the
Speaker 1: car Map for the Daily Jay, a daily guided meditation
Speaker 1: where I'll help you find calm in the chaos, plant
Speaker 1: beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant life and simple steps
Speaker 1: for positive actions to get you closer to the life
Speaker 1: of your dreams. Meditate with me by going to calm
Speaker 1: dot com forward slash Jay to getty a Calm Premium
Speaker 1: membership that's only forty two dollars for the whole year
Speaker 1: for a daily guided meditation. Experience the Daily j only
Speaker 1: on Calm. The next thing to do is to be
Speaker 1: as clear with yourself about your strengths as you are
Speaker 1: about your weaknesses. I find that a lot of us
Speaker 1: are unable to name our strengths, but we find it
Speaker 1: very easy to reel off a list of weaknesses. What
Speaker 1: are your strengths? What are the parts of your life
Speaker 1: that you feel really confident about? And if you struggle
Speaker 1: with this, I want you to ask a colleague, I
Speaker 1: want you to ask a friend. I want you to
Speaker 1: ask a family member, and I want you to ask
Speaker 1: a parent. Where do you excel? Where do you truly shine?
Speaker 1: I want you to be so aware of that, and
Speaker 1: I want you to know that, because when you know
Speaker 1: you have strengths, and then you know your weaknesses, you
Speaker 1: can live between acts seputance and assessment. But often we
Speaker 1: don't live in acceptance. We live in criticism because we
Speaker 1: only know our flaws. We know our flaws deeply, and
Speaker 1: we know our strengths weakly. Let me repeat that, we
Speaker 1: know our flaws deeply, and we know our strengths weakly
Speaker 1: or shallowly. And because we don't have a deep understanding
Speaker 1: of our own strengths, that's where a lack of self
Speaker 1: esteem and self confidence comes from. Number five is superiority complex.
Speaker 1: Apart from making you feel like you're the one that's wrong.
Speaker 1: There's a way of making you feel inferior. You don't
Speaker 1: work as hard as them, you don't work as fast
Speaker 1: as them, you don't work as smart as them. Right,
Speaker 1: if your partner always compares themselves to you or you
Speaker 1: to them, you start to notice that this isn't a
Speaker 1: healthy trait. Now, what do you do in that case?
Speaker 1: What do you do when your partner does this? The
Speaker 1: first thing is to make them aware that you don't
Speaker 1: think it's fair, you don't think it's clear, that you
Speaker 1: don't think it's the right way to feel encouraged. We
Speaker 1: have to give the person the opportunity to become aware. Now,
Speaker 1: if they still don't change, chances are they will need therapy,
Speaker 1: that they will need support. And as I go through
Speaker 1: this podcast, I'll also add that you have to set
Speaker 1: boundaries because a lot of the times this person is
Speaker 1: using you as a punching bag in their journey to perfection, right,
Speaker 1: and they're never going to get to perfection, so they're
Speaker 1: going to keep punching trying to release that pressure. And
Speaker 1: so you have to be really careful that you don't
Speaker 1: allow yourself to become a punching bag to be made
Speaker 1: to feel inferior consistently, which it takes people years to
Speaker 1: recover and rebound from things like this. To this group
Speaker 1: number six is everything feels like a threat to them.
Speaker 1: Everyone you mentioned, any person, any idea, It starts to
Speaker 1: feel like a threat. And the reason why I'm making
Speaker 1: you aware of that is because I don't want any
Speaker 1: of you to get caught in the act of feeling
Speaker 1: like what you're doing is wrong. I think a lot
Speaker 1: of people live in this fear in their relationships that
Speaker 1: I'm doing something wrong and my partner is upset. Now,
Speaker 1: it's different if you cheat on someone, is different if
Speaker 1: you lie, it's different if you steal. But often we
Speaker 1: think we're doing something wrong because they make everything feel
Speaker 1: like a threat. You're meeting up with a friend you
Speaker 1: care about, you're meeting up with an old friend, you're
Speaker 1: starting a new job, you're applying for something new, you're
Speaker 1: getting advice from someone, and you might start to say, well,
Speaker 1: you know, everyone has these traits. Of course we do.
Speaker 1: We all have this because of how we were raised,
Speaker 1: and it's good to be aware of these things in people.
Speaker 1: Because we are, they're not surprised. I think so much
Speaker 1: of the time we get surprised. We think, oh, but
Speaker 1: they loved me. But then we unpack it and we go, oh,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I saw all those things. I just
Speaker 1: ignored them, right, I just ignored them. The next one
Speaker 1: is they switched the commode to themselves. Whenever you say something,
Speaker 1: they switched it back to themselves. And this was something
Speaker 1: I had to train myself out of. I found that
Speaker 1: I always thought it was a way of building rapport,
Speaker 1: and I started to realize how it wasn't effective lessening.
Speaker 1: So if someone says to me, oh my gosh, I
Speaker 1: just went skydiving this year, rather than me saying how
Speaker 1: was that experience for you, my reaction was like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: I went last year as well. It was amazing. And
Speaker 1: So I found that actually being a better listener, actually
Speaker 1: asking better questions, has allowed me to reduce some of
Speaker 1: these tendencies by me saying how is that experience for you?
Speaker 1: Like what was your favorite part about it? What was
Speaker 1: the worst part about it? And then me sharing my
Speaker 1: experience actually builds up a much healthier bond. So even
Speaker 1: if you're listening to this, and I hope you are
Speaker 1: noticing some of these traits within yourself that you start
Speaker 1: to recognize that you don't want to treat yourself this
Speaker 1: way either. Sometimes we take out our nasism on ourself. Now.
Speaker 1: Number eight is taking credit. Often the narcissist wants to
Speaker 1: take credit for everything, whether they did it or not,
Speaker 1: and they will find a way to scoop up the
Speaker 1: credit whether they did it or not. Something to be
Speaker 1: very wary of. And as you can notice, some of
Speaker 1: these are very normal. And when you're first starting a relationship,
Speaker 1: it's so easy to be blinded by love. It's so
Speaker 1: easy to think, oh, yeah, no, that's fine, and then
Speaker 1: as time goes on, we start to go, oh, I
Speaker 1: knew this. I noticed this, so I wanted to flag
Speaker 1: that one to you. And number nine and ten. Number
Speaker 1: nine is a really subtle one, and I found that,
Speaker 1: you know, there were elements of this that I did
Speaker 1: as well in my relationship that I had to really
Speaker 1: work on. This was reclaiming difficult moments as yours. So
Speaker 1: if your partner says I had a really long day
Speaker 1: to day, you'd say, we'll tell me about it. Had
Speaker 1: a longer day, right, or oh my gosh, I'm really
Speaker 1: stressed about this week and you're like, well, tell me
Speaker 1: about it. I've got so much I'm stressed about this week.
Speaker 1: Someone says I've got a lot of planning to do
Speaker 1: for this meeting, and you say, well, I've got ten
Speaker 1: of those meetings this week. So you're reducing the other person.
Speaker 1: This is almost accumulation of all the other areas where
Speaker 1: you reduce the other person's efforts because you're reclaiming difficulty
Speaker 1: as your badge. You've honor. And I have spent a
Speaker 1: lot of time noticing this in myself, and when I've
Speaker 1: done that, because again, I want a little bit of attention,
Speaker 1: and you know all of us do, and so being
Speaker 1: able to accept that and say okay. There were times
Speaker 1: in my relationship with Radi where she would tell me
Speaker 1: she's stressed about something and I'd be like, well, I'm
Speaker 1: more stressed than you. I imagine what I've got on.
Speaker 1: And then you start to realize, well, why am I minimizing?
Speaker 1: She wasn't comparing her stress to me. She wasn't trying
Speaker 1: to say that her stress was bigger than mine or
Speaker 1: greater than mine. But because I'm not feeling heard myself,
Speaker 1: and because I'm not vocalizing how I feel myself, I
Speaker 1: want to use her vocalization as my opportunity. If you
Speaker 1: use someone else's opportunity for vulnerability as a chance to
Speaker 1: vocalize your own feelings, you are reducing their voice. You're
Speaker 1: reducing their vulnerability. Take a moment to reflect on yourself.
Speaker 1: It's so easy for us to listen to these and
Speaker 1: think about other people, but it is important to see
Speaker 1: some of this in ourselves and again to safely assess
Speaker 1: and accept ourselves for how we are. We're not bad people.
Speaker 1: We've adopted some poor habits and patterns. Right. If you
Speaker 1: have a bad diet, it doesn't make you a bad person.
Speaker 1: It just means you picked up some unhealthy habits along
Speaker 1: the way that have become your normality. If a car's
Speaker 1: driving through the mud and it gets muddy, it doesn't
Speaker 1: make the car mud. It just means that it rolled
Speaker 1: in some mud. It picked up some mud along the way.
Speaker 1: But it can be washed, it can be cleansed, it
Speaker 1: can be detoxed if you like, it can be purified.
Speaker 1: And that is the same with us. And number ten
Speaker 1: is a term called love bombing. This is probably the
Speaker 1: hardest one. It's when people are overly loving in the beginning,
Speaker 1: they're treating you, they're complimenting you. They're going all out
Speaker 1: telling you how special you are, how important you are,
Speaker 1: how amazing you are. They're excessively intense. They put you
Speaker 1: on a pedestal, they give you extra gifts and positive compliments,
Speaker 1: and it just gives you so much energy. And if
Speaker 1: you're one of these people, I hope you hear this
Speaker 1: because it makes other people feel like they are going
Speaker 1: crazy right when you exaggeratedly fall in love with someone,
Speaker 1: and the reason you're doing it is because you want
Speaker 1: them to think you're amazing. You overlove in the beginning,
Speaker 1: because you want someone else to think you're amazing. You
Speaker 1: want them to say you are the best thing that
Speaker 1: ever happened to me. You want them to say you're
Speaker 1: the most incredible thing that ever happened to me. And
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, when you run out of that,
Speaker 1: you dropped them, and you say, hey, I don't think
Speaker 1: we had anything real. I don't think there was anything
Speaker 1: between us. I didn't really feel the spark, I didn't
Speaker 1: really feel the chemistry. I tried my best I overloved
Speaker 1: you. You You didn't love me back enough. And that's another
Speaker 1: thing we loved in order to be loved back but
Speaker 1: the other person can't keep up with that exaggerated, inflated flattery,
Speaker 1: and so then we go, oh, well, you never love
Speaker 1: me the same as I loved you, And so how
Speaker 1: many of you have ever experienced that in your life
Speaker 1: where someone is so excessively, exaggeratedly in love with you,
Speaker 1: you feel like this is going somewhere promising, and then
Speaker 1: they lean away. If you've been through that, I just
Speaker 1: want you to understand that that is a challenge for someone.
Speaker 1: That is something they're dealing with. And I know everything
Speaker 1: about you makes you want to think you did something
Speaker 1: wrong or you messed up, and chances are it was
Speaker 1: a trait that made them do that, especially if you
Speaker 1: were just happy and going along. And I just want
Speaker 1: you to take a moment again to assess what happened,
Speaker 1: but accept yourself to where you are. If you've experienced
Speaker 1: any of this, what have you got to learn? What
Speaker 1: do you do? One of the biggest things is developing
Speaker 1: this understanding of your strengths. Your self esteem not based
Speaker 1: on what someone sees in you, but what you see
Speaker 1: in yourself. That is self esteem. Self esteem is not
Speaker 1: based on what others see in you. It's based on
Speaker 1: what you see in yourself. Self confidence is not what
Speaker 1: other people notice, it's what you wear, and naturally, whether
Speaker 1: people notice or not, it's always there. I want you
Speaker 1: to thank you for listening to this episode. I really
Speaker 1: hope that it helped. I want you to share it
Speaker 1: with a friend because I want people to be aware
Speaker 1: that sometimes the people that they're with, the conversations that
Speaker 1: they're having that often it's really really important that people
Speaker 1: find help and support and therapy. That we don't just
Speaker 1: allow them to be this way and just keep dealing
Speaker 1: with it and think, oh, yeah, we're trying to help
Speaker 1: them and we can help them out of this. We
Speaker 1: need talented, skilled experts and professionals to support people out
Speaker 1: of these Do not put that pressure on yourself. I
Speaker 1: think so many people in relationships are trying to be
Speaker 1: their partner's therapist. It's really tough to do that and
Speaker 1: it isn't your role, it's not your job, but helping
Speaker 1: them to find help is an amazing thing you can do.
Speaker 1: And I want to end by reading some amazing reviews
Speaker 1: and I thank you so much. We're growing every week
Speaker 1: in reviews. We're nearly at the twenty thousand goal for
Speaker 1: the end of this year, so please, please, please, It
Speaker 1: would mean the world to me if you left a review.
Speaker 1: This is a review from Sarah. She says I've resisted
Speaker 1: podcasts for some reason, but realize now that it can
Speaker 1: be just like a breath of fresh air in a
Speaker 1: world with such high demand. Listening to your guidance is
Speaker 1: a wonderful way to slow down and make the most
Speaker 1: of moments we have. Thank you so much. This is
Speaker 1: from Krista Jay. Your podcast has changed my life for
Speaker 1: the better. I was going through a tough time with anxiety, depression,
Speaker 1: and panic attacks when I came across your book Think
Speaker 1: like a Monk. The book helped me so much, and
Speaker 1: I tell everyone I know to read it. I started
Speaker 1: listening to your podcast while I was reading the book,
Speaker 1: and I haven't stopped listening since. You always have had
Speaker 1: such good wisdom and helpful advice. I take something away
Speaker 1: from every single one that makes my life better. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for everything you do, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to read one more because there's so many beautiful one.
Speaker 1: This one is from Courtney. I've started my work day
Speaker 1: with you for the past couple of months. Something about
Speaker 1: your voice an unbiased advice brings me such peace and
Speaker 1: energy to greet the day ahead of me. I love
Speaker 1: learning something new with your guests, and I just want
Speaker 1: to thank you for bringing me calm, wisdom, and happiness
Speaker 1: each day. Thank you all who've left a review. Thank
Speaker 1: you to everyone who's listening. I hope you're enjoying this
Speaker 1: week's episode as soon