1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,360 Speaker 1: Where do you excel? Where do you truly shine? I 2 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,360 Speaker 1: want you to be so aware of that, and I 3 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:07,680 Speaker 1: want you to know that because when you know you 4 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:10,480 Speaker 1: have strengths and then you know your weaknesses, you can 5 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:14,080 Speaker 1: live between acceptance and assessment. But often we don't live 6 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: in acceptance. We live in criticism because we only know 7 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:20,439 Speaker 1: our flaws. We know our flaws deeply, and we know 8 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,560 Speaker 1: our strengths weakly. And because we don't have a deep 9 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,960 Speaker 1: understanding of our own strengths, that's where a lack of 10 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:36,559 Speaker 1: self esteem and self confidence comes from. Hey, everyone, welcome 11 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,960 Speaker 1: back to our Purpose, the number one health podcast in 12 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:46,199 Speaker 1: the world. If you're listening, you're investing in your physical, mental, emotional, financial, 13 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:50,920 Speaker 1: and spiritual health. On Purpose is the space, the safe 14 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:57,120 Speaker 1: space where we create conversations, dialogue, insights, research on how 15 00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 1: you can simply, practically and in a focused way, create 16 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:05,280 Speaker 1: change in your life. If you want to change habits, 17 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,040 Speaker 1: you're in the right place. If you want to change 18 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:12,800 Speaker 1: and transform patterns of thought, you're in exactly the right place. 19 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,120 Speaker 1: And if you want to create change in the world, 20 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,959 Speaker 1: affect change in the world, you're in the right place. 21 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,840 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining me. My name is 22 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,680 Speaker 1: Jay Shetty. If you've been here before, I am so 23 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,319 Speaker 1: grateful to you. You mean the world to me. If 24 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:29,040 Speaker 1: you've never been here before and this is your first episode, 25 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,440 Speaker 1: I want to thank you for being here. I am 26 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:35,360 Speaker 1: so deeply committed to this community that we have, and 27 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:39,720 Speaker 1: it has been astounding to me at how many of 28 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,920 Speaker 1: you are listening to episodes on the daily now, and 29 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:45,400 Speaker 1: the feedback I hear from you all is that the 30 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,680 Speaker 1: more you listen, the more you grow, the more you change, 31 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:50,440 Speaker 1: the more you're able to affect change in your lives 32 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 1: and the people that you love. And that fills me 33 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:56,040 Speaker 1: with so much joy. It fills me with so much 34 00:01:56,440 --> 00:02:00,919 Speaker 1: excitement and happiness. So thank you so much for doing that. Now. 35 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,960 Speaker 1: Today's topic is something I've been thinking about for a while, 36 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,680 Speaker 1: and it's because it's something that's come up with my 37 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 1: clients now. As some of you know, I'm a life coach, 38 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,680 Speaker 1: a relationship coach, and I work with different people. All 39 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 1: of my clients also have a therapist. I really believe 40 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,640 Speaker 1: in co serving with a therapist because I believe that 41 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:27,480 Speaker 1: therapists fantastically help people entangle their past and really makes 42 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 1: sense of the thoughts and patterns that they've developed, and 43 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,239 Speaker 1: as a coach, it's really about building forward. But this 44 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 1: was a theme that kept recurring in some of my sessions, 45 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:38,639 Speaker 1: and I would talk to a lot of my therapist 46 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:41,320 Speaker 1: friends about this a lot as well. And it's all 47 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:45,520 Speaker 1: about narcism. And I started to find out that a 48 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,680 Speaker 1: lot of people that I was working with may have 49 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,480 Speaker 1: been dating a narcissist at one point in time, may 50 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 1: have come up with someone or being with someone at 51 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:58,040 Speaker 1: some point in their life who had narcissistic personality disorder. 52 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,760 Speaker 1: And so I became more interesting did in this space. 53 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: And so I've been researching learning about the space, and 54 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 1: I wanted to share it with you today because I 55 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:10,520 Speaker 1: think it's important. Today you will discover that approximately zero 56 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:15,000 Speaker 1: point five percent of the United States population, or one 57 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:19,799 Speaker 1: in two hundred people, has narcissistic personality disorder. And this 58 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:24,200 Speaker 1: is study from the Recovery Village. And so when you 59 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,040 Speaker 1: hear that number, you think, well, that's not a lot 60 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,120 Speaker 1: of people. I'm not likely to bump into someone. But 61 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,000 Speaker 1: we realize that there are a lot of people that 62 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,079 Speaker 1: are on that spectrum, and so some of us may 63 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:37,720 Speaker 1: have dealt with someone who's in an extreme case and 64 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:42,040 Speaker 1: some people less so. But we start to recognize that 65 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 1: there are also significant gender differences when it comes to 66 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:49,280 Speaker 1: the prevalence of the disorder. Says Recovery Village that seventy 67 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 1: five percent of people with narcissistic personality disorder are men, 68 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:58,280 Speaker 1: and the demographics go on to give a bit more detail. 69 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:01,320 Speaker 1: Two to six percent of those seek help from mental 70 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 1: health clinics, six percent of forensic analysts, twenty percent of 71 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 1: people in the military, and seventeen percent of first year 72 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:13,200 Speaker 1: medical students. Now, a lot of what I'm going to 73 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,559 Speaker 1: share with you today are more signs that you can 74 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 1: notice in people. And even if that person doesn't have 75 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:26,640 Speaker 1: narcissistic personality disorder or MPD, they may have certain traits. 76 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 1: And it's important for us to be mindful of these 77 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:34,120 Speaker 1: traits in people we meet and even in ourselves, because 78 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,800 Speaker 1: a lot of these traits can create a lot of 79 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:41,360 Speaker 1: challenges moving forward for us and for our relationships. So 80 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:44,240 Speaker 1: sometimes when I reflect on this list, I actually find 81 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:48,440 Speaker 1: that there are elements of this in a lot of people, right, 82 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,280 Speaker 1: and it's just valuable for us to be aware so 83 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:57,200 Speaker 1: we can actually navigate our relationships better. So here are 84 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,640 Speaker 1: the ways to know if you're with the narcissist dating 85 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,599 Speaker 1: in our this may be married to one. Maybe you 86 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:05,560 Speaker 1: have elements of this in yourself. And I want to 87 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 1: do this in a safe space of acceptance and non 88 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,160 Speaker 1: judgment and encouraging us to find help and support, whether 89 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,320 Speaker 1: it's through therapy in the beginning and of course through 90 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 1: coaching long term, to just encourage you to move towards that. 91 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,719 Speaker 1: Whether you're with someone that way, you know a friend 92 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 1: who's in that scenario as well, because sometimes we find 93 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:27,760 Speaker 1: out too late and act too late. So one of 94 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,360 Speaker 1: the first simplest ways that we start to notice that 95 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:37,159 Speaker 1: someone has narcissistic tendencies is that they struggle to talk 96 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:41,920 Speaker 1: about others for too long. The conversation has to constantly 97 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 1: shift back to talking about them. So if they start 98 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:51,960 Speaker 1: a conversation, it will often be about them. If they 99 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:56,839 Speaker 1: start a conversation, it will often reflect on everyone talking 100 00:05:56,880 --> 00:06:00,479 Speaker 1: about them. They enjoy the idea of plant hunting the 101 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 1: seed of a problem in a group of people and 102 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:07,359 Speaker 1: hearing what everyone has to say about them, And so 103 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:10,400 Speaker 1: we start to notice that if the conversation veers off, 104 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,560 Speaker 1: if the conversation goes in another direction, they will want 105 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:19,680 Speaker 1: to drag the conversation back to them. Now, often when 106 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,880 Speaker 1: we're around these people will say things like, oh, well, 107 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 1: they're so selfish, or they're so self centered, or we 108 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,039 Speaker 1: don't enjoy being around that kind of person because we 109 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:31,680 Speaker 1: always feel unheard or we feel like that person's unaware 110 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: of us. And this can stay in relationships for years 111 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,880 Speaker 1: before someone asks for help or someone even knows that 112 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 1: they have this trait, and it takes a lot of 113 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:47,839 Speaker 1: courage as a friend to share this with them. And 114 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 1: often we're not the right person, we may not be 115 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 1: close enough, we may not have the trust of that individual, 116 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,680 Speaker 1: And I think we have to be aware of that 117 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,280 Speaker 1: that if you're going to say to someone that you 118 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,880 Speaker 1: know that they are self centered or selfish, or the 119 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:04,039 Speaker 1: conversation is always about them, it's important that you also 120 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 1: do this in a compassionate, loving way. It's very easy 121 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,120 Speaker 1: to assume that they should know and they should realize, 122 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:15,880 Speaker 1: but making them aware is extremely healthy if you're the 123 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,840 Speaker 1: right person, And of course doing it through the right 124 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:23,200 Speaker 1: person is even more important. Someone that that person trusts, respects, 125 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,440 Speaker 1: maybe even looks up to is what's truly needed. Now. 126 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 1: An extended part of this Number two is that this 127 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 1: person craves attention. Right, They crave attention. They want everything 128 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,320 Speaker 1: at the party to be about them. They want everything 129 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,160 Speaker 1: at the event to be about them. They're not great 130 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:46,240 Speaker 1: at celebrating others. They struggle when someone else is the 131 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 1: center of attention. Think about proposing at someone else's wedding, 132 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:55,240 Speaker 1: think about announcing something at someone else's birthday. These are 133 00:07:55,280 --> 00:08:02,000 Speaker 1: all methods to crave attention, and the Mayo Clinic says 134 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:06,200 Speaker 1: that although the cause of narcissistic personality disorder isn't known, 135 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 1: some researchers think that in biologically vulnerable children, parenting styles 136 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:17,360 Speaker 1: that are overprotective all neglectful may have an impact. Genetics 137 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:21,000 Speaker 1: and neurobiology also may play a role in the development 138 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:25,160 Speaker 1: of narcissistic personality disorder, so we start to recognize it's 139 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 1: not that that person doesn't have a choice and you're 140 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,800 Speaker 1: feeling sorry for them, but it is understanding the context 141 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 1: of how they got there. The Mayo Clinic also says that, 142 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:39,080 Speaker 1: as with personality development and with other mental health disorders, 143 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:43,840 Speaker 1: even though the cause is complex, there's three areas that 144 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 1: it can be linked to. The first is environment mismatches 145 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:52,320 Speaker 1: in parent child relationships with either excessive adoration or excessive 146 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:56,000 Speaker 1: criticism that is poorly attuned to the child's experience. I 147 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: found this fascinating. Right, So, this idea that someone craves 148 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 1: attention is because they received so much attention growing up 149 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:07,080 Speaker 1: for every tiny thing they did that they're now looking 150 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:10,319 Speaker 1: for everyone to give them the same thing. Or it 151 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:14,240 Speaker 1: was the opposite. They were given no attention for anything 152 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:18,720 Speaker 1: they did, and so there's this natural movement towards it. Now. 153 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:21,400 Speaker 1: I'm sure as you're listening to this, you may be thinking, Jay, 154 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,960 Speaker 1: I feel like that a bit. There's times when I 155 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,439 Speaker 1: want attention because I didn't get any, or there's times 156 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 1: when I want attention because my parents always gave me some. 157 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,559 Speaker 1: So you can start to notice how we all have 158 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:36,360 Speaker 1: different aspects of this within ourselves, within the development of 159 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: our own personality. Now, whether we notice it is one thing, 160 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 1: whether someone else notices it is another, and whether it's 161 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,920 Speaker 1: a recurring pattern is another. So we start to see 162 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 1: how the prevalence of this in our life is dependent 163 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 1: on how obvious it is and how repetitive it is 164 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,680 Speaker 1: to the people around us. We often find that we 165 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: can be self aware about something, but most people are 166 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:03,000 Speaker 1: round us don't notice it, or we're self aware and 167 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 1: someone notices it. And not only are we self aware, 168 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,880 Speaker 1: not only does someone notice it, but it is a 169 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:13,680 Speaker 1: repetitive cycle. Us being aware of it ourselves is really 170 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,680 Speaker 1: powerful because self awareness is where all change begins. But 171 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,520 Speaker 1: at the same time, there are lots of people in 172 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:24,240 Speaker 1: our lives, including us, who we sometimes miss this. We 173 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 1: miss the understanding because from our perspective, we think we're right. Well, 174 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 1: of course I crave attention. Everyone craves attention, and we 175 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:35,520 Speaker 1: assume that because we crave attention, everyone must be craving 176 00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:38,400 Speaker 1: the same thing. So now it makes it a competition. 177 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,200 Speaker 1: So we can find that in MPD and in terms 178 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,920 Speaker 1: of being a narcissist, that becomes this craving of competition. 179 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,200 Speaker 1: The other cause that comes up by the Mayo clinic 180 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 1: is genetics inherited characteristics. Of course, if family members had 181 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,839 Speaker 1: aspects of this, we start to mirror it, we start 182 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 1: to replicate it. And then it is neurobiology, the connection 183 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:06,440 Speaker 1: between the brain and behavior and thinking. And of course 184 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,680 Speaker 1: the biggest area of negative impact this creates is in 185 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:13,680 Speaker 1: relationship difficulties, because we start to recognize that people really 186 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:19,679 Speaker 1: struggle to connect deeply with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, 187 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 1: or we connect for a certain period of time, but 188 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:26,600 Speaker 1: then often people feel exhausted and drained. The third way 189 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:29,120 Speaker 1: to know that you're with a narcissist is that they 190 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:33,760 Speaker 1: don't accept responsibility if they make a mistake. They're not 191 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:38,960 Speaker 1: vulnerable enough, they're not open enough to accept that they 192 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:43,600 Speaker 1: are part of the problem. And I think in relationships 193 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:49,680 Speaker 1: this often becomes a big, big, big issue because when 194 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:53,040 Speaker 1: someone doesn't take responsibility, sometimes we can take it all 195 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,600 Speaker 1: on ourselves and we think it's all our fault. We 196 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,800 Speaker 1: think it's all because of us, and when that person 197 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:03,000 Speaker 1: doesn't take responsibility, we can often start to feel like 198 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,920 Speaker 1: we're the only ones responsible. All the opposite happens. We 199 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,360 Speaker 1: know we're not the only ones responsible, but we keep waiting, 200 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,120 Speaker 1: maybe even forcing, for them to take responsibility. But the 201 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,520 Speaker 1: penny hasn't dropped for them yet. They haven't had it 202 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,600 Speaker 1: click yet that they are a part of the challenge 203 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:22,280 Speaker 1: that exists. The fourth way of knowing is that they 204 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,600 Speaker 1: make you feel like you're wrong. That comes from the 205 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 1: last one. When someone doesn't accept responsibility. A big part 206 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 1: of that is they make you feel like you're wrong. 207 00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:36,160 Speaker 1: Now iver clients who've been in this space of being 208 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,880 Speaker 1: made to feel like they're the ones that are wrong, 209 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:43,719 Speaker 1: they're the ones that are responsible. And whenever they've been 210 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:47,120 Speaker 1: in this position, the thing that I found is that 211 00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:51,640 Speaker 1: they internalize it. If you're sincere, if you're genuine, you 212 00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:55,839 Speaker 1: start to internalize this, and this starts to play on 213 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:59,280 Speaker 1: your own self worth and your own self esteem. And 214 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:02,520 Speaker 1: this is why I'm doing this episode because I believe 215 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,040 Speaker 1: that where we want to get to is this perfect 216 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:14,959 Speaker 1: balance of assessment and examination of ourselves but acceptance of ourselves. Right, 217 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: you've got assessment of yourself, but you've got acceptance on 218 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,280 Speaker 1: you of yourself. That's where we want to live between 219 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,680 Speaker 1: those two words, when often what we live between is 220 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:32,960 Speaker 1: perfection and completely pulverizing ourselves. Or we live between criticizing 221 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:38,720 Speaker 1: ourselves or falsely cheering ourselves on, or we live in 222 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:45,160 Speaker 1: between judging ourselves or trying to boost ourselves up. And 223 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:49,640 Speaker 1: what I find is that acceptance and assessment are healthier words. 224 00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:54,000 Speaker 1: For example, should we assess whether we're improving and growing? 225 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:58,680 Speaker 1: Of course we should. Should we examine whether we've grown 226 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,920 Speaker 1: since last year and developed? Of course we should, but 227 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,640 Speaker 1: when we do that in a critical way. So the 228 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:08,080 Speaker 1: question is, how do you assess yourself without being critical? 229 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: How do you examine yourself without being judgmental? Here's a 230 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,440 Speaker 1: way to do it. The way to do it is 231 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:22,440 Speaker 1: be more regular and consistent with assessing yourself and having 232 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:28,280 Speaker 1: clear criteria. For example, let's say I'm really committed to 233 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:33,480 Speaker 1: become more organized. Right, Let's say that's a personal commitment 234 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,040 Speaker 1: for me, and so today I'll say, on a scale 235 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,400 Speaker 1: of one to ten, how organized do I think I am? 236 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,760 Speaker 1: And let's say I give myself a five. This is hypothetical, 237 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,880 Speaker 1: by the way, I consider myself to be very organized. 238 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:48,239 Speaker 1: And now I come up with a plan to be organized, 239 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,080 Speaker 1: and in a month's time, I ask myself the same question, 240 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,200 Speaker 1: how organized do I think I am? And I may say, well, 241 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 1: I'm at six. Now I'm measuring progress, and because I've 242 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 1: done that month on month and now twelve months, I 243 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,440 Speaker 1: could say, oh, I'm out a seven and a half. 244 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,080 Speaker 1: That's amazing. I've gone up two and a half points 245 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 1: done when I started, and now I feel really confident 246 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 1: about this area. The mistake we make is what we 247 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:13,240 Speaker 1: kind of just think about in our head, but we 248 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:16,800 Speaker 1: don't have a scale. We make it subjective. We ask 249 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,800 Speaker 1: ourselves randomly on any given day when something goes wrong, 250 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,320 Speaker 1: how we feel about ourselves, and of course we don't 251 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:27,760 Speaker 1: rate ourselves highly. We've been getting so many amazing reviews 252 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,040 Speaker 1: for The Daily Jay, my new daily guided meditation series 253 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,120 Speaker 1: on the car Map. You might have heard a couple 254 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:35,320 Speaker 1: of snippets on the podcast for a few weeks, so 255 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,200 Speaker 1: in case you haven't had the chance to check it out, 256 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,120 Speaker 1: I just wanted to share this review from Caitlin, an 257 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,200 Speaker 1: elementary school teacher from New Jersey. He's what she had 258 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,720 Speaker 1: to say. I have over nine years of experience in 259 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:50,360 Speaker 1: the American public school education system, including teaching throughout the pandemic. 260 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,120 Speaker 1: Over the past two years, I've seen extreme cases of 261 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,320 Speaker 1: anxiety and my students like never before. Many of these 262 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:59,840 Speaker 1: children have never experienced these feelings before, and a most 263 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,240 Speaker 1: are not even sure of what they are feeling. My 264 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,320 Speaker 1: school district has spent a great deal of time focusing 265 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 1: on social emotional learning sel through this school year. We 266 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,600 Speaker 1: try to teach coping skills and focus on teaching kids 267 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 1: how to deal with their feelings and become the best 268 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 1: version of themselves. As someone who has also been experiencing 269 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,240 Speaker 1: the many anxieties of the world today. I have recently 270 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,040 Speaker 1: downloaded the car mapp thanks to my mom. My mom 271 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,960 Speaker 1: and I are big fans of yours, and once she 272 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,240 Speaker 1: heard that you will have seven minutes of Daily Jay 273 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 1: each day, she encouraged me in doing this. Your meaningful 274 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 1: ideas and meditation have quickly become part of my daily routine, 275 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:39,200 Speaker 1: so much that I've begun incorporating some of them into 276 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:42,760 Speaker 1: my sel morning meetings with my third graders. If you've 277 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,080 Speaker 1: ever wanted to meditate with me, join me on the 278 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,440 Speaker 1: car Map for the Daily Jay, a daily guided meditation 279 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:52,080 Speaker 1: where I'll help you find calm in the chaos, plant 280 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:56,000 Speaker 1: beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant life and simple steps 281 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,800 Speaker 1: for positive actions to get you closer to the life 282 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,680 Speaker 1: of your dreams. Meditate with me by going to calm 283 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:05,760 Speaker 1: dot com forward slash Jay to getty a Calm Premium 284 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 1: membership that's only forty two dollars for the whole year 285 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:13,680 Speaker 1: for a daily guided meditation. Experience the Daily j only 286 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:18,280 Speaker 1: on Calm. The next thing to do is to be 287 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:22,359 Speaker 1: as clear with yourself about your strengths as you are 288 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:24,840 Speaker 1: about your weaknesses. I find that a lot of us 289 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,320 Speaker 1: are unable to name our strengths, but we find it 290 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: very easy to reel off a list of weaknesses. What 291 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,159 Speaker 1: are your strengths? What are the parts of your life 292 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:40,320 Speaker 1: that you feel really confident about? And if you struggle 293 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:42,399 Speaker 1: with this, I want you to ask a colleague, I 294 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,520 Speaker 1: want you to ask a friend. I want you to 295 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:46,880 Speaker 1: ask a family member, and I want you to ask 296 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:51,679 Speaker 1: a parent. Where do you excel? Where do you truly shine? 297 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 1: I want you to be so aware of that, and 298 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,040 Speaker 1: I want you to know that, because when you know 299 00:17:56,119 --> 00:17:58,840 Speaker 1: you have strengths, and then you know your weaknesses, you 300 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,119 Speaker 1: can live between acts seputance and assessment. But often we 301 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,919 Speaker 1: don't live in acceptance. We live in criticism because we 302 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:09,560 Speaker 1: only know our flaws. We know our flaws deeply, and 303 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:13,440 Speaker 1: we know our strengths weakly. Let me repeat that, we 304 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:18,120 Speaker 1: know our flaws deeply, and we know our strengths weakly 305 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,760 Speaker 1: or shallowly. And because we don't have a deep understanding 306 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,960 Speaker 1: of our own strengths, that's where a lack of self 307 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:31,359 Speaker 1: esteem and self confidence comes from. Number five is superiority complex. 308 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,640 Speaker 1: Apart from making you feel like you're the one that's wrong. 309 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:38,720 Speaker 1: There's a way of making you feel inferior. You don't 310 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,840 Speaker 1: work as hard as them, you don't work as fast 311 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,760 Speaker 1: as them, you don't work as smart as them. Right, 312 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:47,520 Speaker 1: if your partner always compares themselves to you or you 313 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,439 Speaker 1: to them, you start to notice that this isn't a 314 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,720 Speaker 1: healthy trait. Now, what do you do in that case? 315 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,520 Speaker 1: What do you do when your partner does this? The 316 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,320 Speaker 1: first thing is to make them aware that you don't 317 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:01,720 Speaker 1: think it's fair, you don't think it's clear, that you 318 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:06,040 Speaker 1: don't think it's the right way to feel encouraged. We 319 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:08,719 Speaker 1: have to give the person the opportunity to become aware. Now, 320 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:12,160 Speaker 1: if they still don't change, chances are they will need therapy, 321 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:16,320 Speaker 1: that they will need support. And as I go through 322 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,320 Speaker 1: this podcast, I'll also add that you have to set 323 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:22,280 Speaker 1: boundaries because a lot of the times this person is 324 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,480 Speaker 1: using you as a punching bag in their journey to perfection, right, 325 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:29,320 Speaker 1: and they're never going to get to perfection, so they're 326 00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:34,320 Speaker 1: going to keep punching trying to release that pressure. And 327 00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:36,880 Speaker 1: so you have to be really careful that you don't 328 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:40,520 Speaker 1: allow yourself to become a punching bag to be made 329 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:46,440 Speaker 1: to feel inferior consistently, which it takes people years to 330 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:50,200 Speaker 1: recover and rebound from things like this. To this group 331 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:56,240 Speaker 1: number six is everything feels like a threat to them. 332 00:19:56,280 --> 00:20:02,000 Speaker 1: Everyone you mentioned, any person, any idea, It starts to 333 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,920 Speaker 1: feel like a threat. And the reason why I'm making 334 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,680 Speaker 1: you aware of that is because I don't want any 335 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:11,560 Speaker 1: of you to get caught in the act of feeling 336 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:15,600 Speaker 1: like what you're doing is wrong. I think a lot 337 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:19,280 Speaker 1: of people live in this fear in their relationships that 338 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:23,000 Speaker 1: I'm doing something wrong and my partner is upset. Now, 339 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,919 Speaker 1: it's different if you cheat on someone, is different if 340 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,639 Speaker 1: you lie, it's different if you steal. But often we 341 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:32,600 Speaker 1: think we're doing something wrong because they make everything feel 342 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,399 Speaker 1: like a threat. You're meeting up with a friend you 343 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 1: care about, you're meeting up with an old friend, you're 344 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,480 Speaker 1: starting a new job, you're applying for something new, you're 345 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,680 Speaker 1: getting advice from someone, and you might start to say, well, 346 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,480 Speaker 1: you know, everyone has these traits. Of course we do. 347 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,480 Speaker 1: We all have this because of how we were raised, 348 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,119 Speaker 1: and it's good to be aware of these things in people. 349 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,840 Speaker 1: Because we are, they're not surprised. I think so much 350 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,800 Speaker 1: of the time we get surprised. We think, oh, but 351 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,159 Speaker 1: they loved me. But then we unpack it and we go, oh, 352 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,040 Speaker 1: wait a minute, I saw all those things. I just 353 00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:05,120 Speaker 1: ignored them, right, I just ignored them. The next one 354 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 1: is they switched the commode to themselves. Whenever you say something, 355 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,440 Speaker 1: they switched it back to themselves. And this was something 356 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,199 Speaker 1: I had to train myself out of. I found that 357 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,120 Speaker 1: I always thought it was a way of building rapport, 358 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,280 Speaker 1: and I started to realize how it wasn't effective lessening. 359 00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:21,879 Speaker 1: So if someone says to me, oh my gosh, I 360 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 1: just went skydiving this year, rather than me saying how 361 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,840 Speaker 1: was that experience for you, my reaction was like, oh, yeah, 362 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,320 Speaker 1: I went last year as well. It was amazing. And 363 00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:33,480 Speaker 1: So I found that actually being a better listener, actually 364 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:37,639 Speaker 1: asking better questions, has allowed me to reduce some of 365 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,719 Speaker 1: these tendencies by me saying how is that experience for you? 366 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 1: Like what was your favorite part about it? What was 367 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,760 Speaker 1: the worst part about it? And then me sharing my 368 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:48,520 Speaker 1: experience actually builds up a much healthier bond. So even 369 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 1: if you're listening to this, and I hope you are 370 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,400 Speaker 1: noticing some of these traits within yourself that you start 371 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 1: to recognize that you don't want to treat yourself this 372 00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:01,840 Speaker 1: way either. Sometimes we take out our nasism on ourself. Now. 373 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:07,520 Speaker 1: Number eight is taking credit. Often the narcissist wants to 374 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:09,840 Speaker 1: take credit for everything, whether they did it or not, 375 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,439 Speaker 1: and they will find a way to scoop up the 376 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,720 Speaker 1: credit whether they did it or not. Something to be 377 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: very wary of. And as you can notice, some of 378 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,800 Speaker 1: these are very normal. And when you're first starting a relationship, 379 00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:22,480 Speaker 1: it's so easy to be blinded by love. It's so 380 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,439 Speaker 1: easy to think, oh, yeah, no, that's fine, and then 381 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,359 Speaker 1: as time goes on, we start to go, oh, I 382 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,720 Speaker 1: knew this. I noticed this, so I wanted to flag 383 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,840 Speaker 1: that one to you. And number nine and ten. Number 384 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,720 Speaker 1: nine is a really subtle one, and I found that, 385 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,720 Speaker 1: you know, there were elements of this that I did 386 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:40,800 Speaker 1: as well in my relationship that I had to really 387 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:46,359 Speaker 1: work on. This was reclaiming difficult moments as yours. So 388 00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:48,160 Speaker 1: if your partner says I had a really long day 389 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,879 Speaker 1: to day, you'd say, we'll tell me about it. Had 390 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:54,160 Speaker 1: a longer day, right, or oh my gosh, I'm really 391 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,399 Speaker 1: stressed about this week and you're like, well, tell me 392 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: about it. I've got so much I'm stressed about this week. 393 00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:02,639 Speaker 1: Someone says I've got a lot of planning to do 394 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,400 Speaker 1: for this meeting, and you say, well, I've got ten 395 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:08,399 Speaker 1: of those meetings this week. So you're reducing the other person. 396 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:13,040 Speaker 1: This is almost accumulation of all the other areas where 397 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:18,080 Speaker 1: you reduce the other person's efforts because you're reclaiming difficulty 398 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:22,280 Speaker 1: as your badge. You've honor. And I have spent a 399 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,120 Speaker 1: lot of time noticing this in myself, and when I've 400 00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:28,000 Speaker 1: done that, because again, I want a little bit of attention, 401 00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:30,480 Speaker 1: and you know all of us do, and so being 402 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,920 Speaker 1: able to accept that and say okay. There were times 403 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,919 Speaker 1: in my relationship with Radi where she would tell me 404 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,880 Speaker 1: she's stressed about something and I'd be like, well, I'm 405 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,800 Speaker 1: more stressed than you. I imagine what I've got on. 406 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,159 Speaker 1: And then you start to realize, well, why am I minimizing? 407 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:46,960 Speaker 1: She wasn't comparing her stress to me. She wasn't trying 408 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:50,240 Speaker 1: to say that her stress was bigger than mine or 409 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:55,119 Speaker 1: greater than mine. But because I'm not feeling heard myself, 410 00:23:55,680 --> 00:24:00,159 Speaker 1: and because I'm not vocalizing how I feel myself, I 411 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,359 Speaker 1: want to use her vocalization as my opportunity. If you 412 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:09,720 Speaker 1: use someone else's opportunity for vulnerability as a chance to 413 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:16,400 Speaker 1: vocalize your own feelings, you are reducing their voice. You're 414 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:20,399 Speaker 1: reducing their vulnerability. Take a moment to reflect on yourself. 415 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,600 Speaker 1: It's so easy for us to listen to these and 416 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,320 Speaker 1: think about other people, but it is important to see 417 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,119 Speaker 1: some of this in ourselves and again to safely assess 418 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:31,200 Speaker 1: and accept ourselves for how we are. We're not bad people. 419 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:35,720 Speaker 1: We've adopted some poor habits and patterns. Right. If you 420 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:37,919 Speaker 1: have a bad diet, it doesn't make you a bad person. 421 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,280 Speaker 1: It just means you picked up some unhealthy habits along 422 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,720 Speaker 1: the way that have become your normality. If a car's 423 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,440 Speaker 1: driving through the mud and it gets muddy, it doesn't 424 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,679 Speaker 1: make the car mud. It just means that it rolled 425 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,800 Speaker 1: in some mud. It picked up some mud along the way. 426 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,080 Speaker 1: But it can be washed, it can be cleansed, it 427 00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:58,240 Speaker 1: can be detoxed if you like, it can be purified. 428 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,520 Speaker 1: And that is the same with us. And number ten 429 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:05,879 Speaker 1: is a term called love bombing. This is probably the 430 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:10,840 Speaker 1: hardest one. It's when people are overly loving in the beginning, 431 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:15,440 Speaker 1: they're treating you, they're complimenting you. They're going all out 432 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,920 Speaker 1: telling you how special you are, how important you are, 433 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 1: how amazing you are. They're excessively intense. They put you 434 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:29,320 Speaker 1: on a pedestal, they give you extra gifts and positive compliments, 435 00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:31,399 Speaker 1: and it just gives you so much energy. And if 436 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,440 Speaker 1: you're one of these people, I hope you hear this 437 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:37,840 Speaker 1: because it makes other people feel like they are going 438 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:42,520 Speaker 1: crazy right when you exaggeratedly fall in love with someone, 439 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:45,120 Speaker 1: and the reason you're doing it is because you want 440 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,960 Speaker 1: them to think you're amazing. You overlove in the beginning, 441 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,520 Speaker 1: because you want someone else to think you're amazing. You 442 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,159 Speaker 1: want them to say you are the best thing that 443 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,320 Speaker 1: ever happened to me. You want them to say you're 444 00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:58,000 Speaker 1: the most incredible thing that ever happened to me. And 445 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:01,359 Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, when you run out of that, 446 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:02,920 Speaker 1: you dropped them, and you say, hey, I don't think 447 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,240 Speaker 1: we had anything real. I don't think there was anything 448 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,920 Speaker 1: between us. I didn't really feel the spark, I didn't 449 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,080 Speaker 1: really feel the chemistry. I tried my best I overloved 450 00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:12,960 Speaker 1: you. You You didn't love me back enough. And that's another 451 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,760 Speaker 1: thing we loved in order to be loved back but 452 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:20,680 Speaker 1: the other person can't keep up with that exaggerated, inflated flattery, 453 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,080 Speaker 1: and so then we go, oh, well, you never love 454 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,560 Speaker 1: me the same as I loved you, And so how 455 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:26,680 Speaker 1: many of you have ever experienced that in your life 456 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:32,840 Speaker 1: where someone is so excessively, exaggeratedly in love with you, 457 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,880 Speaker 1: you feel like this is going somewhere promising, and then 458 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 1: they lean away. If you've been through that, I just 459 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,240 Speaker 1: want you to understand that that is a challenge for someone. 460 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:44,240 Speaker 1: That is something they're dealing with. And I know everything 461 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,120 Speaker 1: about you makes you want to think you did something 462 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:50,119 Speaker 1: wrong or you messed up, and chances are it was 463 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:54,600 Speaker 1: a trait that made them do that, especially if you 464 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,800 Speaker 1: were just happy and going along. And I just want 465 00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,919 Speaker 1: you to take a moment again to assess what happened, 466 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,240 Speaker 1: but accept yourself to where you are. If you've experienced 467 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,439 Speaker 1: any of this, what have you got to learn? What 468 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:08,119 Speaker 1: do you do? One of the biggest things is developing 469 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:12,080 Speaker 1: this understanding of your strengths. Your self esteem not based 470 00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:15,120 Speaker 1: on what someone sees in you, but what you see 471 00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:18,560 Speaker 1: in yourself. That is self esteem. Self esteem is not 472 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,080 Speaker 1: based on what others see in you. It's based on 473 00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:24,199 Speaker 1: what you see in yourself. Self confidence is not what 474 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:29,560 Speaker 1: other people notice, it's what you wear, and naturally, whether 475 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:33,199 Speaker 1: people notice or not, it's always there. I want you 476 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,920 Speaker 1: to thank you for listening to this episode. I really 477 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,320 Speaker 1: hope that it helped. I want you to share it 478 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,560 Speaker 1: with a friend because I want people to be aware 479 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,679 Speaker 1: that sometimes the people that they're with, the conversations that 480 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,960 Speaker 1: they're having that often it's really really important that people 481 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:49,960 Speaker 1: find help and support and therapy. That we don't just 482 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,760 Speaker 1: allow them to be this way and just keep dealing 483 00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:54,480 Speaker 1: with it and think, oh, yeah, we're trying to help 484 00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:56,439 Speaker 1: them and we can help them out of this. We 485 00:27:56,520 --> 00:28:01,000 Speaker 1: need talented, skilled experts and professionals to support people out 486 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,399 Speaker 1: of these Do not put that pressure on yourself. I 487 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,800 Speaker 1: think so many people in relationships are trying to be 488 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,359 Speaker 1: their partner's therapist. It's really tough to do that and 489 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:13,000 Speaker 1: it isn't your role, it's not your job, but helping 490 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,920 Speaker 1: them to find help is an amazing thing you can do. 491 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:20,040 Speaker 1: And I want to end by reading some amazing reviews 492 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:22,560 Speaker 1: and I thank you so much. We're growing every week 493 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:25,080 Speaker 1: in reviews. We're nearly at the twenty thousand goal for 494 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:27,560 Speaker 1: the end of this year, so please, please, please, It 495 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,080 Speaker 1: would mean the world to me if you left a review. 496 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:32,440 Speaker 1: This is a review from Sarah. She says I've resisted 497 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:35,280 Speaker 1: podcasts for some reason, but realize now that it can 498 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:37,520 Speaker 1: be just like a breath of fresh air in a 499 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:41,320 Speaker 1: world with such high demand. Listening to your guidance is 500 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:44,440 Speaker 1: a wonderful way to slow down and make the most 501 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,160 Speaker 1: of moments we have. Thank you so much. This is 502 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,960 Speaker 1: from Krista Jay. Your podcast has changed my life for 503 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,160 Speaker 1: the better. I was going through a tough time with anxiety, depression, 504 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:55,520 Speaker 1: and panic attacks when I came across your book Think 505 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:58,000 Speaker 1: like a Monk. The book helped me so much, and 506 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,400 Speaker 1: I tell everyone I know to read it. I started 507 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,360 Speaker 1: listening to your podcast while I was reading the book, 508 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,040 Speaker 1: and I haven't stopped listening since. You always have had 509 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:08,240 Speaker 1: such good wisdom and helpful advice. I take something away 510 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:11,120 Speaker 1: from every single one that makes my life better. Thank 511 00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:13,520 Speaker 1: you so much for everything you do, and I'm going 512 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:16,840 Speaker 1: to read one more because there's so many beautiful one. 513 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:22,120 Speaker 1: This one is from Courtney. I've started my work day 514 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,040 Speaker 1: with you for the past couple of months. Something about 515 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:27,240 Speaker 1: your voice an unbiased advice brings me such peace and 516 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:30,280 Speaker 1: energy to greet the day ahead of me. I love 517 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,920 Speaker 1: learning something new with your guests, and I just want 518 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:36,080 Speaker 1: to thank you for bringing me calm, wisdom, and happiness 519 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:39,560 Speaker 1: each day. Thank you all who've left a review. Thank 520 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:41,960 Speaker 1: you to everyone who's listening. I hope you're enjoying this 521 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:43,640 Speaker 1: week's episode as soon