WEBVTT - Khloé Kardashian: My Side that Nobody Knows (Truth Behind Headlines, Divorce, Co-Parenting)

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<v Speaker 1>Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce

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<v Speaker 1>my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can

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<v Speaker 1>experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city

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<v Speaker 1>near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It

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<v Speaker 1>could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO

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<v Speaker 1>or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,

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<v Speaker 1>spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to

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<v Speaker 1>Head to Jaysheddy, dop Me Forward Slash Tour and get

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<v Speaker 1>yours today.

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<v Speaker 2>God, I've been through so many things that at this

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<v Speaker 2>point I would rather not feel than feel, because feeling

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<v Speaker 2>is too much for me to handle.

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<v Speaker 3>All right, We're right, Hi, am Kloet Kradashi.

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<v Speaker 1>Tony Kardash, and everybody clothe Kodash.

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<v Speaker 2>There would be times that I was like, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>even want to go out to the grocery store because

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like I know what they're thinking about me.

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<v Speaker 2>And that was scary to me because I've never been

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<v Speaker 2>in a dark place for that long.

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<v Speaker 1>You've always taken care of others. Have you discovered anything

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<v Speaker 1>about why you've seen yourself take on that role in

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<v Speaker 1>so many relationships in your world? How do you even

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<v Speaker 1>find the courage to trust again? The number one health

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<v Speaker 1>and Wellness podcast.

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<v Speaker 3>Jay Shetty, Jay Sheddy Only J.

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<v Speaker 1>Shetty Chloe, Welcome back to On Purpose.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm so excited to be here.

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<v Speaker 1>You came on the podcast in twenty nineteen. Okay, that's crazy,

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<v Speaker 1>which is six years ago. Yeah, we just launched at

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<v Speaker 1>the beginning of that year, and you were such an

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<v Speaker 1>important part of helping the show get to where it

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<v Speaker 1>is today.

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<v Speaker 3>Thank you.

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<v Speaker 1>So the kind words you were just saying to me

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<v Speaker 1>a moment ago about the show are so much because

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<v Speaker 1>of you. Well, thank you, And I'm so grateful to you.

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<v Speaker 1>Your beautiful and wonderful family who've just been so kind

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<v Speaker 1>to me over the years, your mom who I adore,

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<v Speaker 1>Kendall and Kim who've both been amazing guests on the show,

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<v Speaker 1>and people have got to spend time with offscreen as well,

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<v Speaker 1>And it's just you've all been so wonderful to me.

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<v Speaker 1>So I'm deeply grateful and deeply touched well love.

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<v Speaker 2>We all adore you, we really really do. And you

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<v Speaker 2>just have this energy about you that everyone feels safe

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<v Speaker 2>and talking with you, and that's a testament to the

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<v Speaker 2>success of your podcast obviously, but everything that you do,

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<v Speaker 2>it's so from the intensity of your soul and it's

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<v Speaker 2>beautiful and you don't even realize that you're being recorded

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<v Speaker 2>when talking with you. So yes, I'm so honored to

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<v Speaker 2>be asked to be here again.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you. And the last time we were together, we

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<v Speaker 1>were on your podcast, Yes, which I'm so excited about.

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<v Speaker 1>I can't wait to talk more about it.

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<v Speaker 2>I cannot even believe that you Yes, I am so

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<v Speaker 2>grateful that you agreed to do that, but were my

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<v Speaker 2>second guest, and the fact that you did that and

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<v Speaker 2>did it just sure of course, like you never asked questions.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like, this is brand new, we've never launched or

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<v Speaker 2>aired yet.

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<v Speaker 3>Thank you. It was. You're so generous and so kind.

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<v Speaker 1>No, I loved it. It was so much fun speaking

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<v Speaker 1>to you and you using your platform to talk about

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<v Speaker 1>important topics and themes and vulnerability. And then my favorite

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<v Speaker 1>thing is we were in India just around this like

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<v Speaker 1>kind of coming around this time last year, yes, and

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<v Speaker 1>being with you in India and getting to take you

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<v Speaker 1>to the monastery that I stayed at for.

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<v Speaker 3>Some time, and what an experience.

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<v Speaker 1>It's so beautiful to have that with you, and so

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<v Speaker 1>thank you for letting me have that experience with you

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<v Speaker 1>as well.

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<v Speaker 2>And I don't know when this airs, but the India

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<v Speaker 2>episode for us, I think airs next week, so people

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<v Speaker 2>are going to get to see that insight and see

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<v Speaker 2>a little bit of where you practiced, and just what

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<v Speaker 2>a beautiful experience that was for us.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you both were so gracious and kind and curious,

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<v Speaker 1>and I was so in awe of just how wonderfully

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<v Speaker 1>respectful and thoughtful and thank you And the fact that

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<v Speaker 1>we were on a crazy schedule at a crazy wedding. Yes,

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<v Speaker 1>and you guys somehow managed to wake up to go

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<v Speaker 1>to a temple. It's pretty impressive.

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<v Speaker 2>That was such We could not miss that opportunity, especially

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<v Speaker 2>to go with you, I mean to where you practice.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean that still, that's a pinch me moment.

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<v Speaker 1>The well, Chloe, this week on the episode when we're

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<v Speaker 1>recording this, at least it's your fortieth birthday and that

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<v Speaker 1>was soon after you got back from India last year. Yes,

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<v Speaker 1>and I wanted to ask you, like, what it felt

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<v Speaker 1>like turning forty.

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<v Speaker 2>I know so many people dread turning forty or just

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<v Speaker 2>getting older, and I am the complete opposite. I probably

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<v Speaker 2>talked about my excitement in turning forty for at least

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<v Speaker 2>three years prior to turning forty. You know, my thirties

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<v Speaker 2>were challenging for me, as I really do think when

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<v Speaker 2>I reflect back, that they are challenging for most people.

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<v Speaker 2>I think your thirties is that, especially for women, because

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<v Speaker 2>that's sort of when people feel like, oh, their biological

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<v Speaker 2>clock is ticking, they should be married or have kids

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<v Speaker 2>by this age. And the truth is people are getting

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<v Speaker 2>married a little later, they are having kids later in life,

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<v Speaker 2>and a lot of women are focusing on what their

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<v Speaker 2>careers should be and so they're sort of putting the

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<v Speaker 2>family stuff on the back burner.

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<v Speaker 3>At least that's what I've noticed.

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<v Speaker 2>And for me, I had my kids, I had not

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<v Speaker 2>so many great relationships in my thirties and in my

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<v Speaker 2>younger twenties, but a lot of career stuff wasn't going

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<v Speaker 2>the way that I envisioned and hoped and planned, and

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<v Speaker 2>I really just wanted to get out of my thirties,

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, I feel good. I have my kids

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<v Speaker 2>and that's my wonderful, beautiful takeaway. And still I also

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<v Speaker 2>do believe that any of those experiences, they really are formative,

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<v Speaker 2>and no matter how traumatic and horrible they are, you

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<v Speaker 2>don't think that in the moment, but later on you

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<v Speaker 2>do get to self reflect and be like, Okay, I

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<v Speaker 2>needed that for some reason. But going into my forties,

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<v Speaker 2>I was skipping and leaping and hopping into them.

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<v Speaker 1>How did you imagine your forties were going to look

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<v Speaker 1>when you were younger, and now that you're moving into them,

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<v Speaker 1>How close are they? How different are those visions?

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<v Speaker 2>So I don't know if you've ever seen this meme,

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<v Speaker 2>but it's a meme of the Golden Girls, and I

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<v Speaker 2>think those ladies were in their forties or early fifties

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<v Speaker 2>when they're ushered away somewhere in Florida, you know, have

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<v Speaker 2>to live together because they're so old, and then they

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<v Speaker 2>do side by sides with like a bunch of women

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<v Speaker 2>in their forties now beautiful women, and the comparison, you're like,

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<v Speaker 2>why was I so afraid? But the representation that we

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<v Speaker 2>had when we were younger was very different than what

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<v Speaker 2>the forties. Are we're fifties now? I mean, Gabrielle Union.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't exactly know how old everybody is, but Jennifer Lopez,

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<v Speaker 2>you see all of these gorgeous women and you're like, wait,

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<v Speaker 2>I think their forties fifties?

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<v Speaker 3>What am I afraid of?

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<v Speaker 2>And it's not so much even about the esthetic. It's

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<v Speaker 2>the lifeliness that these women and the passion that these

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<v Speaker 2>women have for life that you're like, that doesn't seem

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<v Speaker 2>so bad.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I think you're so right what you just said

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<v Speaker 1>now about how everyone has a tough thirties to forties.

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<v Speaker 1>I think it's really interesting. When you're going in your

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<v Speaker 1>twenties to thirties, you have a really high expectation and

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<v Speaker 1>then you kind of get brought down to reality. I

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<v Speaker 1>think everyone has a tougher twenties than they imagined. You're

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<v Speaker 1>having the pressure, the pressure of what it should be,

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<v Speaker 1>the pressure of starting work, the pressure of a relationship.

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<v Speaker 2>But you put these kids in college and they're supposed

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<v Speaker 2>to what is your major? What is your minor? And

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<v Speaker 2>then if you go awry from that when you graduate,

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<v Speaker 2>it's like, then what did I pay for? But how

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<v Speaker 2>many times have you changed your mind? About something in life, right,

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<v Speaker 2>and so have I. So yes, I believe in college.

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<v Speaker 2>I believe in that if that's the right step for you.

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<v Speaker 2>But I also think it's people need to know how

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<v Speaker 2>okay it is to not necessarily know what you want

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<v Speaker 2>to do when you're twenty years old.

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<v Speaker 1>Absolutely such great advice. I mean I look at it.

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<v Speaker 1>In my twenties, I first became a monk. I then

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<v Speaker 1>left and worked in consulting, and then left and did media,

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<v Speaker 1>and then since then I've done video content, podcast, wrote books. Right,

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<v Speaker 1>just things that I would never have imagined. If someone

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<v Speaker 1>told me at eighteen, Jay, this is what your life's

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<v Speaker 1>going to look like, I wouldn't leave them. And I

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<v Speaker 1>think something you said that was really important that when

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<v Speaker 1>you get into your thirties there's almost like this grounding

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<v Speaker 1>effect as well, where you start to ask yourself what

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<v Speaker 1>do I really want in life? But as you get

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<v Speaker 1>into your forties, you're almost living that of like what's

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<v Speaker 1>really important? What really is my priority? Am I clear

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<v Speaker 1>about what I want? Whereas in your twenties you don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>and how could you?

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<v Speaker 3>You don't know?

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<v Speaker 2>And you also have that arrogance in your twenties that

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<v Speaker 2>no one can tell you anything, but people have to

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<v Speaker 2>go through that, like I don't. I get it, And

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<v Speaker 2>I also get now when adults were like they sort

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<v Speaker 2>of roll their eyes at somebody in their twenties, and

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<v Speaker 2>it's rare that most people in that age are so

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<v Speaker 2>definitive at what they want to do and if they

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<v Speaker 2>are great, and that is just this old soulness in them,

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<v Speaker 2>I would say. But also when i've I've only been

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<v Speaker 2>in my forties for a few months, but it's crazy

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<v Speaker 2>how quickly that you're sort of like you feel so

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<v Speaker 2>solid in who you are or the things that maybe

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<v Speaker 2>made you insecure or doubt yourself, you sort of just

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<v Speaker 2>let it go. And I don't know what that switch

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<v Speaker 2>exactly is. I just know that it's that grounding term

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<v Speaker 2>that you said, you feel so solid within yourself and

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<v Speaker 2>you're like, it's okay, and I know life is going

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<v Speaker 2>to work out. I know everything is going to come

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<v Speaker 2>how I envision it, because I have that drive and

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<v Speaker 2>desire to. But I've stopped limiting myself to it had

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<v Speaker 2>to be done before I turned forty. When I was younger,

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<v Speaker 2>society definitely put on me, or not just me. I

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<v Speaker 2>think a lot of people but now life expectancy is longer.

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<v Speaker 2>I think we prioritize our health from within so much more,

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<v Speaker 2>and people realize, Okay, it's not all about just having

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<v Speaker 2>babies and getting married by the time you're twenty three

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<v Speaker 2>and then just coasting the rest or figuring it out. Now,

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<v Speaker 2>it's like, let's figure out what we really want at

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<v Speaker 2>our core and then the rest will sort of unfold.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, what would you say? Because I feel like we

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<v Speaker 1>have such an amazing community of young women and women

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<v Speaker 1>who listen to this show, and so many of them,

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<v Speaker 1>I know, are thinking, I'm thirty years old, I'm not married,

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<v Speaker 1>there's so much pressure, I'm not in a serious relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>What words of advice, wisdom, insight, or lessons would you

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<v Speaker 1>share with them in that period of their life where

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<v Speaker 1>the societal pressure, the parental pressure, the personal pressure, the

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<v Speaker 1>pressure of what's happening all around them on Instagram, TikTok,

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<v Speaker 1>social media. How should they think about navigating that?

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<v Speaker 2>Number one is something I had to learn myself. As

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<v Speaker 2>comparison as the Thief of Joy. It takes everything out

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<v Speaker 2>of anything that you're doing if you're constantly comparing what

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<v Speaker 2>you're doing to somebody else because somebody else is only

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<v Speaker 2>showing you their highlight reel. Anyway, we have to remember

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<v Speaker 2>that what we're doing is probably someone's looking at us

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<v Speaker 2>and they're like, damn, that's an amazing highlight reel, Like

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<v Speaker 2>I want that. But we're so conditioned now to constantly

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<v Speaker 2>want more and more, never be satisfied. That makes me

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<v Speaker 2>sad for my kids, and I always try. I have

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<v Speaker 2>so many nieces and nephews, and three of them are

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<v Speaker 2>the exact same age. It's my daughter and Kylie's daughter

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<v Speaker 2>and Kim's daughter, and sometimes that's challenging because they each

0:11:42.120 --> 0:11:45.240
<v Speaker 2>want the same thing all the time. And I sort

0:11:45.280 --> 0:11:47.480
<v Speaker 2>of like that because I like to say, not just

0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:49.600
<v Speaker 2>because someone has that doesn't mean you get to have that.

0:11:49.960 --> 0:11:52.920
<v Speaker 2>And those are smaller lessons, but you learn that later

0:11:52.960 --> 0:11:57.040
<v Speaker 2>in life so much bigger. And you can be inspired

0:11:57.080 --> 0:12:00.800
<v Speaker 2>by others or motivated by others, but the jealousy or

0:12:00.800 --> 0:12:04.280
<v Speaker 2>the comparison is something that we or I have had

0:12:04.320 --> 0:12:07.840
<v Speaker 2>to even retrain my brain to not always look at

0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:09.680
<v Speaker 2>someone and be like, well, why don't I have that?

0:12:10.160 --> 0:12:11.560
<v Speaker 3>Or how can I get?

0:12:11.600 --> 0:12:11.680
<v Speaker 1>Like?

0:12:11.760 --> 0:12:14.559
<v Speaker 2>It should be more from a motivational way as opposed

0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:18.080
<v Speaker 2>to an envious way. But I also think, do you

0:12:18.120 --> 0:12:20.920
<v Speaker 2>want to be married and have kids because that's what

0:12:20.960 --> 0:12:24.120
<v Speaker 2>you were taught as a kid that you're supposed to do.

0:12:24.120 --> 0:12:26.800
<v Speaker 2>Do you want that and a career? And which one

0:12:26.800 --> 0:12:28.960
<v Speaker 2>do you want to have come first? And do you

0:12:29.000 --> 0:12:30.640
<v Speaker 2>not want a career? And do you just want to

0:12:30.640 --> 0:12:31.080
<v Speaker 2>be a mother?

0:12:31.280 --> 0:12:31.640
<v Speaker 3>Like those?

0:12:31.840 --> 0:12:35.560
<v Speaker 2>Whatever the answer is is all okay, because it's your life.

0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:37.680
<v Speaker 2>But sometimes I think that we live a life so

0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:40.640
<v Speaker 2>much for other people and we forget to check in

0:12:40.679 --> 0:12:44.520
<v Speaker 2>with ourselves. And it's okay if you had a desire

0:12:44.760 --> 0:12:47.280
<v Speaker 2>in your twenties and now you're in your thirties and

0:12:47.320 --> 0:12:50.800
<v Speaker 2>you're like, wait, I actually don't want that anymore and

0:12:50.840 --> 0:12:53.240
<v Speaker 2>I changed my direction, and it's okay to admit that

0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:53.840
<v Speaker 2>to yourself.

0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:56.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I think You've raised so many important points there.

0:12:56.480 --> 0:12:58.800
<v Speaker 1>One of them that resonates with me is I always

0:12:58.800 --> 0:13:02.120
<v Speaker 1>say to people the only way you can purify envy

0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:04.680
<v Speaker 1>is study. What I mean by that is when you

0:13:04.720 --> 0:13:08.080
<v Speaker 1>study someone's success, you get motivated by it. When you

0:13:08.200 --> 0:13:11.400
<v Speaker 1>envy someone's success, you get demotivated by it because you

0:13:11.440 --> 0:13:13.160
<v Speaker 1>feel it's not for me. I'm not going to get

0:13:13.160 --> 0:13:15.079
<v Speaker 1>that when you study it, when you look at how

0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:17.960
<v Speaker 1>they started when you look at the challenges they've gone through,

0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:20.120
<v Speaker 1>when you look at the ups and the downs, all

0:13:20.160 --> 0:13:22.359
<v Speaker 1>of a sudden you realize you get so much inspiration

0:13:23.000 --> 0:13:25.600
<v Speaker 1>that I can do it too, right, that that person's

0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:28.680
<v Speaker 1>had a very normal human journey. And maybe I just

0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:31.839
<v Speaker 1>don't see that because I'm only seeing the success. I'm

0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:32.960
<v Speaker 1>not seeing the story.

0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:35.920
<v Speaker 2>And I think I get a very interesting take on

0:13:36.000 --> 0:13:38.760
<v Speaker 2>that because I do that with me and my sisters,

0:13:39.400 --> 0:13:42.480
<v Speaker 2>and so when I look at all of my siblings,

0:13:42.760 --> 0:13:48.040
<v Speaker 2>I know so in depthly. Also there's struggles and how

0:13:48.080 --> 0:13:51.440
<v Speaker 2>many companies we've all started that have failed, where so

0:13:51.520 --> 0:13:54.760
<v Speaker 2>many people that you look up to you don't hear

0:13:54.840 --> 0:13:56.720
<v Speaker 2>every little thing and tell they're at the top.

0:13:56.880 --> 0:13:57.559
<v Speaker 3>And then they're.

0:13:57.360 --> 0:14:00.000
<v Speaker 2>Telling you this was how they got here their success,

0:14:00.360 --> 0:14:04.520
<v Speaker 2>and sometimes you're like, okay, but you're here now and

0:14:04.600 --> 0:14:08.960
<v Speaker 2>it still seems unobtainable. But for me, I do get

0:14:09.679 --> 0:14:12.480
<v Speaker 2>I'm very lucky for my positioning because even though I

0:14:12.520 --> 0:14:15.760
<v Speaker 2>see my siblings and I see all their success, now,

0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:20.400
<v Speaker 2>I remember how much stuff we tried to do and

0:14:20.480 --> 0:14:22.280
<v Speaker 2>you know, throw spaghetti on the wall and it just

0:14:22.320 --> 0:14:26.040
<v Speaker 2>didn't stick. But I don't know if outsiders would see

0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:29.560
<v Speaker 2>that looking within our family all the time. I think,

0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:32.160
<v Speaker 2>if you can, you know, go back and google back

0:14:32.200 --> 0:14:33.960
<v Speaker 2>two thousand and eight whatever, you'll be like, oh, they

0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:37.520
<v Speaker 2>did that, and where's that company? And so everyone has

0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:40.840
<v Speaker 2>their failures, but I wouldn't even call them failures.

0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:43.520
<v Speaker 1>What's the biggest lesson you were taking into your forties,

0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:46.240
<v Speaker 1>something that you've been carrying with you into this time.

0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:49.520
<v Speaker 2>I talk to myself a lot, so I like to

0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:53.960
<v Speaker 2>be really intentional, and I like, I understand, and I

0:14:54.000 --> 0:14:58.240
<v Speaker 2>teach my daughter that happiness and positivity and all of

0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:01.680
<v Speaker 2>that is a choice. And so what I like too

0:15:01.920 --> 0:15:06.440
<v Speaker 2>is be very intentional with my days, my jobs, the

0:15:06.480 --> 0:15:09.040
<v Speaker 2>things that I choose to do and spend time on,

0:15:09.720 --> 0:15:14.360
<v Speaker 2>and not in a smug sort of way. But I

0:15:14.840 --> 0:15:16.760
<v Speaker 2>wake up a lot and I'm like, oh, I'm just

0:15:16.880 --> 0:15:20.000
<v Speaker 2>in either a melancholy mood or I'm woke up on

0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:21.520
<v Speaker 2>the wrong side of the bed. I'm not a nice

0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:24.200
<v Speaker 2>person today. And I'll look myself in the mirror and

0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:26.640
<v Speaker 2>I will have a back and forth talk with myself

0:15:26.680 --> 0:15:30.120
<v Speaker 2>and I'm like, no, I'm happy today. I'm choosing happy.

0:15:30.160 --> 0:15:33.440
<v Speaker 2>But so much of that came really when I was

0:15:33.480 --> 0:15:37.480
<v Speaker 2>in my forties. Maybe my last thirty ninth year, because

0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:41.280
<v Speaker 2>I realized how much of a dark cloud I felt

0:15:41.320 --> 0:15:44.440
<v Speaker 2>was surrounding me in my thirties. But yes, things happen

0:15:44.520 --> 0:15:47.840
<v Speaker 2>to me, but it's also my responsibility to choose how

0:15:47.880 --> 0:15:49.280
<v Speaker 2>I respond to those things.

0:15:50.080 --> 0:15:51.040
<v Speaker 3>And I think.

0:15:51.640 --> 0:15:55.120
<v Speaker 2>Because of social media maybe as well, that I let

0:15:55.240 --> 0:15:58.320
<v Speaker 2>so much of the noise make me even sadder or

0:15:58.360 --> 0:16:01.600
<v Speaker 2>make me feel like I was less worthy, less of

0:16:01.640 --> 0:16:05.720
<v Speaker 2>a person, that I needed to be so crumbled and

0:16:05.800 --> 0:16:08.760
<v Speaker 2>embarrassed about what happened to me, where yes I probably

0:16:08.800 --> 0:16:11.440
<v Speaker 2>would have had those feelings, but maybe not as long

0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:14.880
<v Speaker 2>as I did because that narration was going on for

0:16:14.920 --> 0:16:16.880
<v Speaker 2>so long, and so I finally was sort of like,

0:16:17.480 --> 0:16:21.800
<v Speaker 2>screw every dark noise I'm hearing, and I'm going to

0:16:21.840 --> 0:16:24.960
<v Speaker 2>say every day, no, I am worthy. I'm worthy of

0:16:25.000 --> 0:16:30.240
<v Speaker 2>a happy, beautiful, positive day, being intentional in that way.

0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:32.640
<v Speaker 2>And it's funny when I wake my kids up every day,

0:16:32.680 --> 0:16:34.400
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, we're going to have a happy day because

0:16:34.400 --> 0:16:36.840
<v Speaker 2>we choose to have a happy day. But embedding in

0:16:36.920 --> 0:16:41.120
<v Speaker 2>them those small little affirmations. I mean, I'm forty and

0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:43.480
<v Speaker 2>I need it, so you know, I think it's a

0:16:43.520 --> 0:16:44.000
<v Speaker 2>good thing.

0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:46.560
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I can agree with you more. I always say

0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:50.560
<v Speaker 1>to myself, like, I can't make like the day doesn't

0:16:50.560 --> 0:16:53.040
<v Speaker 1>have to be great to me, but I can make

0:16:53.080 --> 0:16:55.960
<v Speaker 1>the day a great day, right, because they could be

0:16:56.040 --> 0:16:58.160
<v Speaker 1>ups and downs. It could be someone says something, someone

0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:01.360
<v Speaker 1>could mean to me, someone could cut me off in traffic,

0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:03.520
<v Speaker 1>someone could do whatever it may be to me. But

0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:06.000
<v Speaker 1>I get to choose how I respond. I get to

0:17:06.080 --> 0:17:08.080
<v Speaker 1>choose how I react, and it makes such a difference.

0:17:08.320 --> 0:17:11.680
<v Speaker 1>One of the themes in the show this year has

0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:14.480
<v Speaker 1>been all of you talking about sheddings the burdens of

0:17:14.480 --> 0:17:17.680
<v Speaker 1>the past. And I think that's such an interesting thing

0:17:17.760 --> 0:17:20.159
<v Speaker 1>because I think as you get older, you start to

0:17:20.280 --> 0:17:23.439
<v Speaker 1>notice what you've been carrying with you right right, and

0:17:23.480 --> 0:17:25.640
<v Speaker 1>you've had longer to carry it with you, and now

0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:28.320
<v Speaker 1>you're more aware what were some of those things that

0:17:28.359 --> 0:17:30.000
<v Speaker 1>came up for you? And you were like, I think

0:17:30.040 --> 0:17:32.600
<v Speaker 1>these are things that I've been holding on to that

0:17:32.680 --> 0:17:34.760
<v Speaker 1>I need to shed. What are some of those burdens.

0:17:35.000 --> 0:17:37.160
<v Speaker 2>I'm not a victim to this, but I do feel

0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:40.720
<v Speaker 2>like I was in a way victimizing myself. But again,

0:17:40.760 --> 0:17:44.280
<v Speaker 2>it sort of was more from the outside noise. I

0:17:44.320 --> 0:17:47.000
<v Speaker 2>hate that I allowed other people to have that much

0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:50.120
<v Speaker 2>control over the way I viewed myself. But I would

0:17:50.160 --> 0:17:54.320
<v Speaker 2>say just from my past dating history, and a lot

0:17:54.359 --> 0:17:57.439
<v Speaker 2>of them ended in cheating or there was just they

0:17:57.480 --> 0:18:01.400
<v Speaker 2>weren't great situations at the end. But yes, I think

0:18:01.480 --> 0:18:03.920
<v Speaker 2>even in the most private of times, if that happened

0:18:03.960 --> 0:18:07.400
<v Speaker 2>and nobody publicly knew about it, they're still shame. Within

0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:10.080
<v Speaker 2>your family, you feel embarrassed, like how you know, what

0:18:10.160 --> 0:18:13.199
<v Speaker 2>did I do? You always make it about yourself, and

0:18:13.359 --> 0:18:17.120
<v Speaker 2>that's okay because hopefully you will get stronger and reflect

0:18:17.280 --> 0:18:20.240
<v Speaker 2>and not make those same mistakes again. And for me,

0:18:21.680 --> 0:18:27.000
<v Speaker 2>they happened repeatedly, and I was like, okay, this is

0:18:27.040 --> 0:18:31.040
<v Speaker 2>about me. I'm either not paying attention, I'm sweeping something

0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:33.119
<v Speaker 2>under the rug, like I really wanted to be so

0:18:33.359 --> 0:18:36.640
<v Speaker 2>aware of what I was doing and let that go,

0:18:36.720 --> 0:18:39.840
<v Speaker 2>but let the guilt and the shame of that go

0:18:40.840 --> 0:18:44.440
<v Speaker 2>because I quote allowed it to happen more than once.

0:18:45.040 --> 0:18:47.959
<v Speaker 2>And I'm saying that because I didn't allow it to happen.

0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:52.800
<v Speaker 2>But the narrative out there was like, well, you get

0:18:52.800 --> 0:18:54.920
<v Speaker 2>what you get. You know, like I should have known better,

0:18:54.960 --> 0:18:59.480
<v Speaker 2>and yes, I probably should have, but I needed to

0:18:59.560 --> 0:19:03.160
<v Speaker 2>learn that lesson. I know, I carried so much shame

0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:05.080
<v Speaker 2>and guilt where there would be times that I was like,

0:19:05.240 --> 0:19:07.880
<v Speaker 2>I don't even want to go out to the grocery

0:19:07.920 --> 0:19:10.800
<v Speaker 2>store and look at someone in the eyes because I

0:19:10.880 --> 0:19:13.080
<v Speaker 2>feel like I know what they're thinking about me. They

0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:15.359
<v Speaker 2>probably don't know who I am, they probably never heard

0:19:15.359 --> 0:19:20.040
<v Speaker 2>this story. But the shame, this cloud that was I

0:19:20.200 --> 0:19:24.399
<v Speaker 2>felt following me everywhere that I don't know if it

0:19:24.440 --> 0:19:26.639
<v Speaker 2>was even that big to other people, but I definitely

0:19:26.720 --> 0:19:30.160
<v Speaker 2>felt like I was constantly surrounded by a gray cloud.

0:19:30.680 --> 0:19:33.320
<v Speaker 2>I would limit myself from doing a lot of things

0:19:33.960 --> 0:19:36.080
<v Speaker 2>and seeing a lot of people because I was I

0:19:36.119 --> 0:19:40.400
<v Speaker 2>felt such shame where I was like, intentionally, no, I'm

0:19:40.400 --> 0:19:41.240
<v Speaker 2>going to let this go.

0:19:41.720 --> 0:19:44.720
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<v Speaker 1>sure you use the code on purpose. There's so much

0:21:09.480 --> 0:21:12.520
<v Speaker 1>maturity in what you're saying that requires so much and

0:21:13.080 --> 0:21:16.119
<v Speaker 1>something I want to kind of go into with you

0:21:16.200 --> 0:21:20.080
<v Speaker 1>is this idea of how do we take accountability but

0:21:20.320 --> 0:21:24.919
<v Speaker 1>not take full responsibility right it's that idea of like,

0:21:25.080 --> 0:21:28.800
<v Speaker 1>as you said, you can't you can't blame yourself, and

0:21:28.880 --> 0:21:30.919
<v Speaker 1>at the same time, you had to find a way

0:21:31.520 --> 0:21:35.879
<v Speaker 1>to recognize you wanted to make better decisions. And I

0:21:35.880 --> 0:21:38.600
<v Speaker 1>think it's such a fine line because I think we

0:21:38.720 --> 0:21:41.320
<v Speaker 1>go from saying it's not my fault, it's everyone else's fault,

0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:43.800
<v Speaker 1>to the being like, oh, it's all my fault. It's

0:21:43.840 --> 0:21:46.320
<v Speaker 1>all me. I'm the one to blame. I did this

0:21:46.359 --> 0:21:49.600
<v Speaker 1>to myself. How did you find that balance which requires

0:21:49.640 --> 0:21:52.639
<v Speaker 1>so much thoughtfulness and maturity to actually get to that

0:21:52.680 --> 0:21:55.480
<v Speaker 1>place where it's like, I'm going to take accountability to

0:21:55.560 --> 0:21:58.399
<v Speaker 1>change my life, but I'm also going to recognize that

0:21:58.480 --> 0:22:01.080
<v Speaker 1>this happened to me, but it wasn't about me. As

0:22:01.119 --> 0:22:02.920
<v Speaker 1>you said, how do you get to that?

0:22:03.080 --> 0:22:06.120
<v Speaker 2>Well, the interesting part is I think the very first

0:22:06.119 --> 0:22:08.560
<v Speaker 2>time it happened, I didn't do that and that's okay

0:22:08.560 --> 0:22:10.919
<v Speaker 2>because it's done. Yeah, And I also had to forgive

0:22:10.960 --> 0:22:13.080
<v Speaker 2>myself for that. There was a time that I was

0:22:13.720 --> 0:22:17.920
<v Speaker 2>felt very guilty, like why did I even stay? Why

0:22:18.320 --> 0:22:21.000
<v Speaker 2>why am I not forgiving myself? I would blame myself

0:22:21.520 --> 0:22:22.200
<v Speaker 2>for everything.

0:22:22.800 --> 0:22:24.080
<v Speaker 3>And then the.

0:22:23.640 --> 0:22:27.680
<v Speaker 2>Second time, you know, I my surgeate was still pregnant

0:22:27.680 --> 0:22:31.679
<v Speaker 2>with Tatum, and the people didn't know yet that I

0:22:31.840 --> 0:22:37.399
<v Speaker 2>was having Tatum. But I felt such shame that it

0:22:37.480 --> 0:22:40.479
<v Speaker 2>was happening again because I knew, I knew better.

0:22:40.840 --> 0:22:43.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean, as I'm listening to I'm just thinking

0:22:43.040 --> 0:22:46.680
<v Speaker 1>about the amount of people that are probably listening to

0:22:46.880 --> 0:22:51.440
<v Speaker 1>right now, thinking, Chloe, I had that fantasy too, and

0:22:52.080 --> 0:22:55.120
<v Speaker 1>you had the courage, even though at one point, as

0:22:55.160 --> 0:22:58.080
<v Speaker 1>you said, you were kind of why did I stay

0:22:58.080 --> 0:23:00.400
<v Speaker 1>that long or why did I keep doing that? And

0:23:00.440 --> 0:23:02.600
<v Speaker 1>you had to forgive yourself for that. But I think

0:23:02.640 --> 0:23:06.160
<v Speaker 1>a lot of people don't know how to know when

0:23:06.200 --> 0:23:09.840
<v Speaker 1>something's no longer serving them. And as I'm listening to you,

0:23:09.880 --> 0:23:13.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm listening to someone who's saying I finally got to

0:23:13.000 --> 0:23:15.439
<v Speaker 1>a point where I realized this fantasy wasn't serving me,

0:23:16.440 --> 0:23:19.560
<v Speaker 1>it was keeping me here. We can't speed it up, no,

0:23:19.760 --> 0:23:22.280
<v Speaker 1>we can't rush ourselves to it. You can't be forced

0:23:22.320 --> 0:23:22.840
<v Speaker 1>to it, no.

0:23:22.960 --> 0:23:23.760
<v Speaker 3>And that's what I mean.

0:23:23.840 --> 0:23:26.520
<v Speaker 2>I think people also need to be patient with themselves,

0:23:26.600 --> 0:23:29.800
<v Speaker 2>like if they don't, if you're not feeling accountable in

0:23:29.840 --> 0:23:32.480
<v Speaker 2>some of the actions that you're making, are some what

0:23:32.640 --> 0:23:35.400
<v Speaker 2>someone else is doing to you that's Okay, there will

0:23:35.440 --> 0:23:37.280
<v Speaker 2>be a day that you will wake up.

0:23:37.920 --> 0:23:38.280
<v Speaker 3>Listen.

0:23:38.480 --> 0:23:42.320
<v Speaker 2>If I was watching me when I was in my twenties,

0:23:42.800 --> 0:23:45.240
<v Speaker 2>I would be judging that person too and being she's

0:23:45.280 --> 0:23:48.080
<v Speaker 2>so stupid it's going to happen again. I don't blame

0:23:48.119 --> 0:23:51.160
<v Speaker 2>people for their judgment. I think with life comes great

0:23:51.240 --> 0:23:56.440
<v Speaker 2>wisdom and life experiences. And if my story helped anybody

0:23:56.440 --> 0:23:59.840
<v Speaker 2>else feel less alone, because it's such an isolating feeling.

0:24:00.359 --> 0:24:02.160
<v Speaker 2>You feel like you're on this island and it doesn't

0:24:02.160 --> 0:24:08.080
<v Speaker 2>happen to anybody else, and sadly it does. And I

0:24:08.119 --> 0:24:11.119
<v Speaker 2>know so many people that stay longer.

0:24:10.720 --> 0:24:11.440
<v Speaker 3>Than I did.

0:24:12.119 --> 0:24:16.159
<v Speaker 2>And not that it's right, but you have to let

0:24:16.280 --> 0:24:19.000
<v Speaker 2>go when you really feel like you're ready, or I

0:24:19.040 --> 0:24:21.680
<v Speaker 2>think that person will always feel like, well what if

0:24:21.760 --> 0:24:25.000
<v Speaker 2>in this? And I really just like to live my

0:24:25.080 --> 0:24:29.720
<v Speaker 2>life in this. No, I'm solid in that action. I'm

0:24:29.760 --> 0:24:31.400
<v Speaker 2>solid in that choice that I made.

0:24:31.720 --> 0:24:34.120
<v Speaker 1>You're making such a powerful point here, and I really

0:24:34.119 --> 0:24:36.040
<v Speaker 1>want everyone to take it home as they're listening, Like,

0:24:36.359 --> 0:24:39.120
<v Speaker 1>you can only learn on your own timeline. You can't

0:24:39.160 --> 0:24:42.439
<v Speaker 1>learn on anyone else's. You can't look at someone else's

0:24:42.520 --> 0:24:44.119
<v Speaker 1>pace and say, oh, I should have done it like

0:24:44.200 --> 0:24:45.320
<v Speaker 1>that and really.

0:24:45.200 --> 0:24:46.199
<v Speaker 3>Why are they doing it?

0:24:46.280 --> 0:24:46.399
<v Speaker 4>Like?

0:24:46.400 --> 0:24:48.120
<v Speaker 1>Why are they doing it like that? And I think

0:24:48.119 --> 0:24:51.720
<v Speaker 1>we just don't. It's really easy to look at someone

0:24:51.760 --> 0:24:54.440
<v Speaker 1>else's life, whoever it may be, our friends, our family,

0:24:54.840 --> 0:24:58.760
<v Speaker 1>people on the screen, and think we know how perfectly

0:24:58.800 --> 0:25:01.199
<v Speaker 1>they should live. Yet we all know how hard it

0:25:01.280 --> 0:25:05.080
<v Speaker 1>is to make one decision in our own life. And

0:25:05.640 --> 0:25:10.439
<v Speaker 1>what I've learned from ever having any training and learning

0:25:10.480 --> 0:25:14.480
<v Speaker 1>from my spirituality and non judgment was just that everything

0:25:14.520 --> 0:25:19.440
<v Speaker 1>you judge in someone else, you won't fully understand until

0:25:19.440 --> 0:25:21.920
<v Speaker 1>you have to go through it yourself. And as soon

0:25:21.960 --> 0:25:24.479
<v Speaker 1>as you go through it yourself, you wake up and

0:25:24.520 --> 0:25:28.480
<v Speaker 1>you go, I cannot believe I judge someone else for

0:25:28.560 --> 0:25:32.320
<v Speaker 1>how they were navigating a divorce or break up, a marriage,

0:25:32.320 --> 0:25:33.200
<v Speaker 1>whatever it may have been.

0:25:33.320 --> 0:25:35.920
<v Speaker 2>And trust me, I was that person one of us. Yes,

0:25:35.960 --> 0:25:38.720
<v Speaker 2>when I was younger, I used to you either read

0:25:38.800 --> 0:25:40.920
<v Speaker 2>something and you have a comment about it or one

0:25:40.920 --> 0:25:44.040
<v Speaker 2>of your friends or family members and yes, and then

0:25:44.080 --> 0:25:46.000
<v Speaker 2>you live your life and you go through it and

0:25:46.040 --> 0:25:49.720
<v Speaker 2>you're like, Okay, I get it a little bit more.

0:25:50.240 --> 0:25:52.639
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, how did you learn to forgive yourself? Because I

0:25:52.680 --> 0:25:56.280
<v Speaker 1>think that is sometimes harder. And if I could say

0:25:56.280 --> 0:25:59.560
<v Speaker 1>this just from the moments I've been fortunate enough to

0:25:59.560 --> 0:26:01.960
<v Speaker 1>spend time with you and connect with you, and thankfully

0:26:01.960 --> 0:26:04.000
<v Speaker 1>they've always been very deep. And so even though we

0:26:04.000 --> 0:26:05.800
<v Speaker 1>haven't spent lots of time together, I feel when we

0:26:05.880 --> 0:26:09.520
<v Speaker 1>have it's always been deep time. It's always a meaningful

0:26:09.560 --> 0:26:13.159
<v Speaker 1>conversation or an exchange. And as I'm sitting with you

0:26:13.200 --> 0:26:15.960
<v Speaker 1>here today versus six years ago the first time, and

0:26:16.040 --> 0:26:18.320
<v Speaker 1>every time I've seen you in between, I feel you've

0:26:18.359 --> 0:26:21.440
<v Speaker 1>got more and more peaceful. Thank you, just in your presence,

0:26:21.720 --> 0:26:24.000
<v Speaker 1>You've always been wonderful and kind, but more and more

0:26:24.000 --> 0:26:28.439
<v Speaker 1>peaceful in yourself. And what I see as someone who's

0:26:28.520 --> 0:26:33.040
<v Speaker 1>become a master in forgiveness. Your superpower is your ability

0:26:33.080 --> 0:26:37.119
<v Speaker 1>to forgive, to forgive others, but even more importantly yourself.

0:26:37.480 --> 0:26:40.440
<v Speaker 1>And so I'm really intrigued about your self part, because

0:26:40.480 --> 0:26:44.320
<v Speaker 1>forgiving other people is one thing, but letting yourself say, hey,

0:26:44.359 --> 0:26:46.080
<v Speaker 1>I moved at the right time, I moved at the

0:26:46.119 --> 0:26:48.879
<v Speaker 1>right pace. I don't need to hate on myself and

0:26:48.960 --> 0:26:51.320
<v Speaker 1>not getting out of it sooner or not seeing it sooner,

0:26:51.960 --> 0:26:55.120
<v Speaker 1>that requires so much in a forgiveness walk us through that.

0:26:55.359 --> 0:26:58.080
<v Speaker 3>Gosh, that's a deep one, Jay.

0:26:57.840 --> 0:26:59.920
<v Speaker 1>It is it is you're the one who's lived.

0:27:00.160 --> 0:27:03.119
<v Speaker 2>I mean, oh my gosh, well, I am not always

0:27:03.160 --> 0:27:08.080
<v Speaker 2>kind to myself, and I think I am my biggest

0:27:08.480 --> 0:27:11.520
<v Speaker 2>bully and critic and all of those things at times.

0:27:12.080 --> 0:27:15.360
<v Speaker 2>And it is much easier for me to forgive others

0:27:15.840 --> 0:27:19.560
<v Speaker 2>than myself. I will say that forgiving myself has really

0:27:19.600 --> 0:27:22.960
<v Speaker 2>been more of the last three years of my adult life.

0:27:23.560 --> 0:27:28.640
<v Speaker 2>But I was so great at giving other people grace, forgiveness,

0:27:28.920 --> 0:27:33.800
<v Speaker 2>making not excuses for them, but just like always coming

0:27:33.800 --> 0:27:37.359
<v Speaker 2>to their defense no matter how wrong they've done me,

0:27:38.000 --> 0:27:41.080
<v Speaker 2>because I feel like it's not my place to judge

0:27:41.080 --> 0:27:44.000
<v Speaker 2>them and I don't know everything they're going through and

0:27:44.560 --> 0:27:46.919
<v Speaker 2>that type of thing. And then one day I was like,

0:27:46.960 --> 0:27:50.639
<v Speaker 2>but why don't I give myself the same energy that

0:27:50.680 --> 0:27:54.200
<v Speaker 2>I'm giving so freely to other people? And a lot

0:27:54.200 --> 0:27:58.119
<v Speaker 2>of it comes through my prayer and my relationship with God,

0:27:58.400 --> 0:28:02.640
<v Speaker 2>and y know, like I really had to also say

0:28:02.720 --> 0:28:05.920
<v Speaker 2>to myself that this isn't about me, what these people

0:28:05.960 --> 0:28:09.439
<v Speaker 2>have done. It's not just relationships in so many different levels,

0:28:10.119 --> 0:28:13.640
<v Speaker 2>and there are times that you feel like, Okay, what

0:28:13.760 --> 0:28:17.800
<v Speaker 2>is it? Why do so many people take advantage or lie, cheat,

0:28:17.880 --> 0:28:21.080
<v Speaker 2>steel whatever it is you can be angry. You can

0:28:21.119 --> 0:28:24.119
<v Speaker 2>have your feelings, but sometimes you feel like, oh, it

0:28:24.200 --> 0:28:27.440
<v Speaker 2>must be me because it's happened so many times. And

0:28:27.960 --> 0:28:30.440
<v Speaker 2>that's also why I feel like boundaries are so important

0:28:30.440 --> 0:28:33.679
<v Speaker 2>to set and I never had boundaries before, and I

0:28:33.720 --> 0:28:35.760
<v Speaker 2>think that was a big thing. But I think a

0:28:35.760 --> 0:28:38.440
<v Speaker 2>lot of that is releasing it and just knowing that

0:28:38.440 --> 0:28:39.920
<v Speaker 2>that's not your burden to carry.

0:28:40.280 --> 0:28:43.320
<v Speaker 1>I think that's what it is. We start to believe

0:28:44.280 --> 0:28:50.280
<v Speaker 1>deeply that there's only one problem and that's us, right right.

0:28:50.320 --> 0:28:53.720
<v Speaker 1>We walk around thinking that it's all because of me,

0:28:53.760 --> 0:28:56.440
<v Speaker 1>it's because of my weakness, it's because of my flaws,

0:28:56.440 --> 0:28:59.440
<v Speaker 1>it's because of whatever else it is, and we completely

0:28:59.440 --> 0:29:01.120
<v Speaker 1>forget that anything else to it.

0:29:01.360 --> 0:29:04.440
<v Speaker 2>Well, because then also if you're like, well, that's not

0:29:04.520 --> 0:29:06.920
<v Speaker 2>because of me, like when people say it also in

0:29:06.960 --> 0:29:10.640
<v Speaker 2>that way, they're like, well, you know, like if everyone

0:29:10.800 --> 0:29:14.240
<v Speaker 2>says that whatever, then it has to be you too.

0:29:14.360 --> 0:29:17.680
<v Speaker 2>So there's that fine line lie in.

0:29:17.600 --> 0:29:18.320
<v Speaker 3>That, for sure.

0:29:18.840 --> 0:29:21.800
<v Speaker 2>But I think when you're just aware and when you're

0:29:21.840 --> 0:29:24.560
<v Speaker 2>solid in yourself, I really do think it's okay to

0:29:24.680 --> 0:29:28.240
<v Speaker 2>release those things. And if you are doing the work,

0:29:28.280 --> 0:29:30.840
<v Speaker 2>if you're and the work doesn't have to be therapy

0:29:31.040 --> 0:29:33.640
<v Speaker 2>like with a actual therapist, if you have a group

0:29:33.640 --> 0:29:36.600
<v Speaker 2>of friends, and if those people really are unbiased and

0:29:36.640 --> 0:29:38.080
<v Speaker 2>not judgmental, and you can go to.

0:29:38.080 --> 0:29:39.560
<v Speaker 3>That do that.

0:29:40.040 --> 0:29:42.840
<v Speaker 2>For me, I really enjoy writing. It's not for people

0:29:42.880 --> 0:29:45.520
<v Speaker 2>to see, it's just it's a form of expression for me,

0:29:45.560 --> 0:29:48.320
<v Speaker 2>and I feel like I'm really getting this energy out

0:29:48.320 --> 0:29:49.200
<v Speaker 2>of my system.

0:29:49.320 --> 0:29:49.600
<v Speaker 1>Wow.

0:29:49.640 --> 0:29:52.719
<v Speaker 2>And sometimes I'll write and I'm like, I'm tearing this

0:29:52.840 --> 0:29:55.200
<v Speaker 2>up so no one ever sees it, and I don't

0:29:55.240 --> 0:29:57.000
<v Speaker 2>even know what I'm going to start writing. I'm like,

0:29:57.040 --> 0:29:59.600
<v Speaker 2>I just got to get this on from pen to paper.

0:30:00.560 --> 0:30:04.040
<v Speaker 2>It's such a release. And sometimes that's the quote therapy

0:30:04.120 --> 0:30:07.320
<v Speaker 2>that I need, or the conversation that I need a

0:30:07.360 --> 0:30:09.160
<v Speaker 2>lot of the times it's the gym, it's whatever. But

0:30:09.200 --> 0:30:11.200
<v Speaker 2>once I get to that point that I'm like okay,

0:30:11.280 --> 0:30:14.000
<v Speaker 2>light bulb goes off, I'm like, yes, I could have

0:30:14.040 --> 0:30:17.960
<v Speaker 2>done things differently, but I'm not the reason why this

0:30:18.880 --> 0:30:22.720
<v Speaker 2>happened to me, Like there's really no excuse for certain behavior.

0:30:23.120 --> 0:30:25.640
<v Speaker 2>But yes, I probably could have handled things differently or

0:30:25.840 --> 0:30:29.360
<v Speaker 2>saw things differently. But you know, I think people have

0:30:29.440 --> 0:30:33.440
<v Speaker 2>to be fair and not just play the victim, but

0:30:33.480 --> 0:30:38.400
<v Speaker 2>not also play that they're this champion and this crusader

0:30:39.120 --> 0:30:42.280
<v Speaker 2>there definitely has to be. There's good and bad to

0:30:42.320 --> 0:30:44.479
<v Speaker 2>all of us, if we want to admit it or not.

0:30:44.720 --> 0:30:47.600
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely, And I think it's that it's being able to

0:30:47.640 --> 0:30:52.640
<v Speaker 1>accept that I was weak, but I am not weak, right.

0:30:52.720 --> 0:30:55.240
<v Speaker 1>There's a difference in that language, even in the way

0:30:55.280 --> 0:30:57.840
<v Speaker 1>you're speaking about it. There's a difference in I made

0:30:57.840 --> 0:31:02.080
<v Speaker 1>a mistake versus the mistake exactly. And I think as

0:31:02.080 --> 0:31:05.400
<v Speaker 1>soon as it becomes internalized to believe that that's who

0:31:05.480 --> 0:31:08.160
<v Speaker 1>I am, that's who I've always been, and I won't

0:31:08.160 --> 0:31:11.440
<v Speaker 1>be anything else, then we don't allow ourselves to say no.

0:31:11.840 --> 0:31:14.000
<v Speaker 1>It's almost like looking back at an outfit of yours

0:31:14.000 --> 0:31:16.520
<v Speaker 1>and going, god, I don't know why I was wearing that, right, right,

0:31:16.560 --> 0:31:18.200
<v Speaker 1>And you're like, why did I wear that? Like those

0:31:18.240 --> 0:31:20.360
<v Speaker 1>two things don't even go together, right, But you know

0:31:20.400 --> 0:31:23.360
<v Speaker 1>you're not your clothes, so you forgive yourself and you go, Okay,

0:31:23.400 --> 0:31:26.280
<v Speaker 1>that was a bad day, and I'll wear something else today,

0:31:26.280 --> 0:31:27.480
<v Speaker 1>and I can make sure that you're not.

0:31:27.520 --> 0:31:30.480
<v Speaker 2>Able to laugh about it exactly. Yes, And the same

0:31:31.240 --> 0:31:35.080
<v Speaker 2>sentiment should be held for our past mistakes, like haven't

0:31:35.120 --> 0:31:37.800
<v Speaker 2>you ever done anything? And then it mortified you where

0:31:37.840 --> 0:31:40.480
<v Speaker 2>you were so angry at yourself, and then five years

0:31:40.520 --> 0:31:43.200
<v Speaker 2>later you will hysterically laugh about it with your wife

0:31:43.320 --> 0:31:43.760
<v Speaker 2>or whatever.

0:31:43.960 --> 0:31:44.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and that's the best.

0:31:45.080 --> 0:31:46.160
<v Speaker 3>Yes, And that's.

0:31:45.960 --> 0:31:50.400
<v Speaker 2>How I think most of our failures, mistakes in life

0:31:50.440 --> 0:31:54.360
<v Speaker 2>should be. Sure at the moment, they're horrible and they

0:31:54.520 --> 0:31:57.640
<v Speaker 2>make you feel really bad, but how beautiful is it

0:31:57.720 --> 0:32:01.000
<v Speaker 2>when you have so much growth from that and you're

0:32:01.000 --> 0:32:03.760
<v Speaker 2>a completely different person in a beautiful way. And then

0:32:03.800 --> 0:32:06.120
<v Speaker 2>you look back and you can laugh at that at

0:32:06.200 --> 0:32:09.560
<v Speaker 2>something that made you sob cry in a corner and

0:32:09.600 --> 0:32:11.760
<v Speaker 2>you were, you know, in a fetal position you don't

0:32:11.760 --> 0:32:15.320
<v Speaker 2>want to see anyone, And then you're like, no, Okay,

0:32:15.360 --> 0:32:18.000
<v Speaker 2>I had a bad moment. It's not a bad life,

0:32:18.040 --> 0:32:20.000
<v Speaker 2>and I can move on and be stronger and better.

0:32:20.080 --> 0:32:23.160
<v Speaker 2>But sometimes we let those moments consume us and we

0:32:23.280 --> 0:32:26.320
<v Speaker 2>never get out of them. And for me, that's a

0:32:26.400 --> 0:32:28.920
<v Speaker 2>place that I never want to be, because I felt

0:32:29.000 --> 0:32:32.560
<v Speaker 2>like I was in that for a few years, and

0:32:32.600 --> 0:32:36.080
<v Speaker 2>that was scary to me because I've never been in

0:32:36.120 --> 0:32:39.040
<v Speaker 2>a dark place for that long, of a place of

0:32:39.080 --> 0:32:41.320
<v Speaker 2>shame and guilt and all of that. And then finally

0:32:41.520 --> 0:32:46.160
<v Speaker 2>I just said to myself, Okay, enough, no one wants

0:32:46.200 --> 0:32:48.240
<v Speaker 2>to be around someone and you're like, how's your day?

0:32:49.800 --> 0:32:50.160
<v Speaker 3>Fine?

0:32:50.840 --> 0:32:53.680
<v Speaker 2>And not that I was that person, but internally I

0:32:53.680 --> 0:32:56.640
<v Speaker 2>felt like I was that person. I love being happy

0:32:56.680 --> 0:32:58.800
<v Speaker 2>and joyful and like life is so great if you

0:32:59.000 --> 0:32:59.680
<v Speaker 2>look for the.

0:32:59.600 --> 0:33:02.520
<v Speaker 1>Good, you just hit on something that's really important. I

0:33:02.560 --> 0:33:04.560
<v Speaker 1>think a lot of people kind of get into that lull,

0:33:05.120 --> 0:33:08.400
<v Speaker 1>like that feeling of a long period of I don't

0:33:08.400 --> 0:33:10.760
<v Speaker 1>see light at the end of a tunnel. And was

0:33:11.360 --> 0:33:13.800
<v Speaker 1>it like that for you? I mean, you're so committed

0:33:13.920 --> 0:33:18.480
<v Speaker 1>to the work, whether it's your prayer, you're journaling. We

0:33:18.480 --> 0:33:21.280
<v Speaker 1>were just talking earlier when you came in about how

0:33:21.600 --> 0:33:25.200
<v Speaker 1>you need a few hours every week just by yourself. Yes,

0:33:25.240 --> 0:33:28.280
<v Speaker 1>and that's a practice that you've maintained with children, with

0:33:28.360 --> 0:33:31.640
<v Speaker 1>your businesses, with your responsibilities. That carving out that time

0:33:31.720 --> 0:33:34.280
<v Speaker 1>is so important to you. Talk to me about that

0:33:34.360 --> 0:33:37.960
<v Speaker 1>about like how much the work helped you even in

0:33:38.000 --> 0:33:40.920
<v Speaker 1>the darkest times. Were you able to maintain it or.

0:33:41.160 --> 0:33:43.560
<v Speaker 2>I mean, the work is what got me out of

0:33:43.600 --> 0:33:48.000
<v Speaker 2>the darkest times. I think it's it's really easy to

0:33:48.920 --> 0:33:52.560
<v Speaker 2>turn to God or whoever you're higher being. Is it's

0:33:52.600 --> 0:33:55.320
<v Speaker 2>really easy to turn there when you're in this low time.

0:33:55.360 --> 0:33:57.320
<v Speaker 2>And like get me out, and you know, and you

0:33:57.440 --> 0:33:59.560
<v Speaker 2>just think magically they're going to send you a ladder

0:33:59.560 --> 0:34:03.160
<v Speaker 2>and like pull you out of this ditch. But yes,

0:34:03.320 --> 0:34:06.160
<v Speaker 2>he will maybe give you signs and tools, but you

0:34:06.200 --> 0:34:09.040
<v Speaker 2>have to do the work. He can give you the recipe,

0:34:09.040 --> 0:34:10.440
<v Speaker 2>but you got to put all the cake mix and

0:34:10.480 --> 0:34:13.279
<v Speaker 2>everything together and bake the cake. And I think so

0:34:13.360 --> 0:34:16.720
<v Speaker 2>many times people expect it just like to be magic,

0:34:17.200 --> 0:34:18.600
<v Speaker 2>get me out of there, and they don't want to

0:34:18.600 --> 0:34:21.640
<v Speaker 2>do the work. So the work is scary. Being alone

0:34:21.800 --> 0:34:24.759
<v Speaker 2>is scary with the self reflection and writing and all that, like,

0:34:24.800 --> 0:34:28.000
<v Speaker 2>because you're like, oh, I have to face myself and

0:34:28.040 --> 0:34:31.520
<v Speaker 2>that seems a little daunting. And people like to distract

0:34:31.600 --> 0:34:34.840
<v Speaker 2>and not come to terms with who they are. For me,

0:34:35.960 --> 0:34:38.560
<v Speaker 2>and again, being in my twenties, I did a lot

0:34:38.560 --> 0:34:43.040
<v Speaker 2>of distracting. It's fun to distract, especially at that age

0:34:43.040 --> 0:34:44.880
<v Speaker 2>and you don't have kids and you can do whatever.

0:34:44.960 --> 0:34:49.080
<v Speaker 2>And so I remember that after my divorce or even

0:34:49.120 --> 0:34:51.480
<v Speaker 2>when my dad died, my dad dad. When I was nineteen,

0:34:52.400 --> 0:34:56.120
<v Speaker 2>I remember going out every night because I was an avoidant.

0:34:56.320 --> 0:34:59.440
<v Speaker 2>Let me avoid these feelings. If it's if I'm not

0:34:59.480 --> 0:35:03.080
<v Speaker 2>feeling them, they're not happening. Well, that didn't work too well.

0:35:03.120 --> 0:35:07.840
<v Speaker 2>I remember losing all my hair, gaining so much weight, hyperventilating,

0:35:07.960 --> 0:35:11.200
<v Speaker 2>like when I would be alone when I got a divorce,

0:35:11.520 --> 0:35:15.240
<v Speaker 2>very similar, Let me go out, let me party, drink,

0:35:15.360 --> 0:35:18.160
<v Speaker 2>hang out with new guys. What does that get me?

0:35:18.280 --> 0:35:18.480
<v Speaker 1>You know?

0:35:18.520 --> 0:35:23.600
<v Speaker 2>I realized, Okay, these ways of coping didn't work for

0:35:23.680 --> 0:35:26.919
<v Speaker 2>so many years that when this time happened, and maybe

0:35:26.960 --> 0:35:32.799
<v Speaker 2>a little help of COVID, it was around twenty twenty two,

0:35:32.920 --> 0:35:36.120
<v Speaker 2>twenty twenty one, twenty twenty two, but still things were

0:35:36.120 --> 0:35:38.920
<v Speaker 2>still sort of locked down a little bit, and I

0:35:39.160 --> 0:35:42.040
<v Speaker 2>just said, no, I'm not going to date anyone now

0:35:42.040 --> 0:35:44.320
<v Speaker 2>I have kids too, I'm not going to a club.

0:35:44.480 --> 0:35:48.640
<v Speaker 2>Like what am I doing? But having to face myself

0:35:49.320 --> 0:35:55.440
<v Speaker 2>and intentionally be alone, intentionally do the work intentionally. Every day,

0:35:55.480 --> 0:35:57.319
<v Speaker 2>I wake up at five am because I need that

0:35:57.400 --> 0:36:01.520
<v Speaker 2>alone time, to have my coffee, do my prayers, listen

0:36:01.560 --> 0:36:04.800
<v Speaker 2>to my Bible app like whatever it is that makes

0:36:04.840 --> 0:36:07.680
<v Speaker 2>you whole, I need that, and I know when I

0:36:07.760 --> 0:36:11.239
<v Speaker 2>don't have that, how different my day feels. I like

0:36:11.320 --> 0:36:14.360
<v Speaker 2>to set my intentions for the day or my workouts,

0:36:14.400 --> 0:36:17.279
<v Speaker 2>the clarity I get just whatever it is everyone's going

0:36:17.360 --> 0:36:20.239
<v Speaker 2>to be different. If you need to be outside, you

0:36:20.320 --> 0:36:23.040
<v Speaker 2>have to decide that. But it did take me a

0:36:23.080 --> 0:36:27.040
<v Speaker 2>long time of doing other things and seeing how horrible

0:36:27.160 --> 0:36:31.319
<v Speaker 2>those things served me for me to find, Okay, this

0:36:31.520 --> 0:36:34.879
<v Speaker 2>I like. And yes, it's easy for me to go

0:36:34.920 --> 0:36:37.680
<v Speaker 2>and date a man and be an avoidant and distract

0:36:37.760 --> 0:36:40.360
<v Speaker 2>these real feelings. But then what, the same thing is

0:36:40.360 --> 0:36:42.880
<v Speaker 2>probably going to happen to me again because I don't

0:36:42.920 --> 0:36:47.080
<v Speaker 2>know what I'm doing, and I'm just willy nilly going

0:36:47.120 --> 0:36:50.279
<v Speaker 2>through life, and what because somebody is cute or this,

0:36:50.360 --> 0:36:53.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm not paying attention to the core of people and

0:36:53.080 --> 0:36:55.960
<v Speaker 2>even to the core of myself. And I just started

0:36:56.000 --> 0:36:59.080
<v Speaker 2>listening to myself and finding the things that really made

0:36:59.080 --> 0:37:04.959
<v Speaker 2>me feel whole but alone. And I know so many

0:37:04.960 --> 0:37:07.759
<v Speaker 2>of my friends cannot be alone because they don't want

0:37:07.760 --> 0:37:10.080
<v Speaker 2>to hear their own thoughts, they don't want to start

0:37:10.320 --> 0:37:14.920
<v Speaker 2>working on themselves. And I'm not judging that, but I

0:37:15.000 --> 0:37:18.360
<v Speaker 2>know how amazing it is to be alone with myself

0:37:19.040 --> 0:37:20.319
<v Speaker 2>and to like who I am.

0:37:21.239 --> 0:37:24.479
<v Speaker 1>I'm so glad you talked about that, because I think

0:37:24.520 --> 0:37:26.840
<v Speaker 1>that's one of the challenges we have today in the world,

0:37:27.040 --> 0:37:31.200
<v Speaker 1>is our inability to be alone. And again I come

0:37:31.200 --> 0:37:32.960
<v Speaker 1>at it from the same point of view as you.

0:37:33.120 --> 0:37:37.520
<v Speaker 1>It's not about being judgmental. It's coming from a place

0:37:37.560 --> 0:37:41.400
<v Speaker 1>of compassion and empathy. That you can't break a pattern

0:37:42.000 --> 0:37:45.360
<v Speaker 1>if you simply avoid it and pretend it doesn't exist.

0:37:45.680 --> 0:37:48.040
<v Speaker 1>And when we're alone, we're breaking the pattern because we

0:37:48.080 --> 0:37:50.440
<v Speaker 1>have to look at those assumptions. We have to look

0:37:50.480 --> 0:37:52.480
<v Speaker 1>at all those beliefs. We have to look at the

0:37:52.560 --> 0:37:55.320
<v Speaker 1>hardwired truths that we're living by. And we've got to

0:37:55.360 --> 0:37:58.239
<v Speaker 1>look at way a minute every decision I make. Where

0:37:58.239 --> 0:38:01.719
<v Speaker 1>in the past did that seed get planned? And I'm

0:38:01.719 --> 0:38:04.319
<v Speaker 1>now eating the fruit from that? And what seed do

0:38:04.360 --> 0:38:06.640
<v Speaker 1>I want to plant today? Because I want to eat

0:38:06.640 --> 0:38:09.239
<v Speaker 1>a different fruit in the future. Others we keep eating

0:38:09.280 --> 0:38:11.960
<v Speaker 1>the fruits from the past and never plant any new seeds.

0:38:12.200 --> 0:38:15.200
<v Speaker 2>I understand how difficult it is to change your mindset.

0:38:15.239 --> 0:38:16.280
<v Speaker 2>Your mind is a muscle.

0:38:16.520 --> 0:38:17.359
<v Speaker 3>I get it.

0:38:17.400 --> 0:38:21.840
<v Speaker 2>And we are humans by nature, like they love a routine.

0:38:22.320 --> 0:38:25.480
<v Speaker 2>You find comfort in that. I totally get that. So

0:38:25.560 --> 0:38:28.000
<v Speaker 2>I'm not saying, oh, it's so easy, go ahead and

0:38:28.040 --> 0:38:30.759
<v Speaker 2>do this, No, but it's little practices every day.

0:38:31.080 --> 0:38:34.120
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I always say to people, there's two questions you

0:38:34.160 --> 0:38:37.320
<v Speaker 1>have to ask yourself. The first is I use someone

0:38:37.360 --> 0:38:40.759
<v Speaker 1>who seeks discomfort or someone who needs to build confidence.

0:38:41.200 --> 0:38:44.200
<v Speaker 1>So if you're someone who needs to seek discomfort, you

0:38:44.239 --> 0:38:47.200
<v Speaker 1>should start with the hardest thing first. And if you're

0:38:47.239 --> 0:38:49.560
<v Speaker 1>someone who needs to build confidence, you should start with

0:38:49.600 --> 0:38:51.920
<v Speaker 1>the easiest thing first. Because some of us want to

0:38:51.960 --> 0:38:53.719
<v Speaker 1>wake up in the morning and jump into a cold

0:38:53.760 --> 0:38:56.359
<v Speaker 1>plunge because that sets us up for the day. Yeah,

0:38:56.400 --> 0:38:57.799
<v Speaker 1>and some of us just need to wake up and

0:38:57.800 --> 0:39:00.120
<v Speaker 1>make our bed. And if we do that now we

0:39:00.160 --> 0:39:02.520
<v Speaker 1>feel we can do harder things. And all of us

0:39:02.560 --> 0:39:04.839
<v Speaker 1>are one or the other. And the second thing is

0:39:05.200 --> 0:39:08.000
<v Speaker 1>are you an extremist or are you a balanced person?

0:39:08.440 --> 0:39:11.400
<v Speaker 1>So for someone like me, I'm really good at being extreme.

0:39:11.560 --> 0:39:14.120
<v Speaker 1>So if I make a decision and a commitment, I

0:39:14.160 --> 0:39:16.759
<v Speaker 1>can be really extreme and cut it out tomorrow. My

0:39:16.840 --> 0:39:19.440
<v Speaker 1>wife is more balanced. If you asked her to eat

0:39:19.719 --> 0:39:22.400
<v Speaker 1>one tiny piece of chocolate to day, she could do that.

0:39:22.920 --> 0:39:25.279
<v Speaker 1>Me I could either the whole bar and the whole

0:39:25.280 --> 0:39:28.360
<v Speaker 1>box or nothing, because that's who I am as a person.

0:39:28.440 --> 0:39:30.520
<v Speaker 1>And so it all comes back to what you're saying

0:39:30.520 --> 0:39:33.239
<v Speaker 1>that when you're spending time alone, you get a real

0:39:33.320 --> 0:39:35.560
<v Speaker 1>sense of who you are, and then you get to

0:39:35.600 --> 0:39:39.240
<v Speaker 1>make better habits and decisions for yourself. For you, as

0:39:39.280 --> 0:39:41.440
<v Speaker 1>we're talking about all of this and your commitment to

0:39:41.480 --> 0:39:46.120
<v Speaker 1>the work, your commitment and continued commitment to it, why

0:39:46.280 --> 0:39:49.120
<v Speaker 1>was traditional therapy a path that you wanted to go

0:39:49.200 --> 0:39:51.560
<v Speaker 1>down and take part in? As you mentioned, why was

0:39:51.600 --> 0:39:53.480
<v Speaker 1>that something that you open the door to?

0:39:54.719 --> 0:39:58.759
<v Speaker 2>So for me, I never really thought I needed to

0:39:58.840 --> 0:40:05.279
<v Speaker 2>go the conventional. Kimberly was also anti therapy for her

0:40:05.320 --> 0:40:08.960
<v Speaker 2>own reasons, and I want to say maybe two years ago,

0:40:09.080 --> 0:40:11.360
<v Speaker 2>maybe a little bit longer, she started seeing a therapist

0:40:11.440 --> 0:40:16.360
<v Speaker 2>that she really really liked, and she just suggested I

0:40:16.480 --> 0:40:20.040
<v Speaker 2>meet with her, and I actually really liked her. I

0:40:20.120 --> 0:40:24.840
<v Speaker 2>really enjoy speaking with her. This might sound silly, but

0:40:25.000 --> 0:40:29.080
<v Speaker 2>she is you know, she's like from our neighborhood. Like

0:40:29.120 --> 0:40:33.160
<v Speaker 2>there's so many things that she gets us on. And

0:40:33.200 --> 0:40:36.920
<v Speaker 2>I also love how chill she is. Like at the beginning,

0:40:37.040 --> 0:40:39.319
<v Speaker 2>she would when I would talk to her, she was like,

0:40:39.360 --> 0:40:41.239
<v Speaker 2>I think I need to see you three days a week.

0:40:41.280 --> 0:40:42.799
<v Speaker 2>And I was like three days a week. And I

0:40:42.800 --> 0:40:46.600
<v Speaker 2>remember telling Kendall, and Kendall was like, I've never heard

0:40:46.600 --> 0:40:49.080
<v Speaker 2>of someone seeing a therapist three days a week. Do

0:40:49.120 --> 0:40:50.920
<v Speaker 2>you need to go to a mental institution, like are

0:40:50.960 --> 0:40:53.400
<v Speaker 2>you okay? And I was like, oh my gosh, is

0:40:53.400 --> 0:40:57.719
<v Speaker 2>that not normal? And we started talking, me and the

0:40:57.719 --> 0:40:59.560
<v Speaker 2>therapist more and more, and she was like, okay, I

0:40:59.600 --> 0:41:04.080
<v Speaker 2>think you're like, you're actually really self aware and you're great.

0:41:04.160 --> 0:41:07.000
<v Speaker 2>I just I had this little hump that I think

0:41:07.040 --> 0:41:09.279
<v Speaker 2>I needed her a little bit more, maybe because I

0:41:09.320 --> 0:41:10.280
<v Speaker 2>was just getting started.

0:41:10.280 --> 0:41:10.920
<v Speaker 3>I'm not sure.

0:41:11.560 --> 0:41:14.600
<v Speaker 2>And I love that she's also very chill. She's liked

0:41:14.600 --> 0:41:16.239
<v Speaker 2>call me when you need me, she checks in on

0:41:16.320 --> 0:41:18.920
<v Speaker 2>me by tech. She's more like a friend, and you

0:41:19.040 --> 0:41:22.480
<v Speaker 2>just feel I feel like I could trust her, and

0:41:22.520 --> 0:41:25.800
<v Speaker 2>that's very rare for me. And I also think because

0:41:25.880 --> 0:41:29.400
<v Speaker 2>of her relationship with Kim, she felt like more of

0:41:29.440 --> 0:41:33.359
<v Speaker 2>a friend as opposed to this traditional therapist. And that's

0:41:33.400 --> 0:41:36.719
<v Speaker 2>not bad or good, but because of my experience with

0:41:36.960 --> 0:41:40.799
<v Speaker 2>past therapists, I didn't want something that was very traditional

0:41:41.160 --> 0:41:45.440
<v Speaker 2>because I couldn't trust that. So I don't see her

0:41:45.480 --> 0:41:47.839
<v Speaker 2>on a weekly basis anymore. I know when I need

0:41:47.880 --> 0:41:50.160
<v Speaker 2>to see her, I will, but we do our check

0:41:50.200 --> 0:41:53.160
<v Speaker 2>ins every now and again. But I honestly feel like

0:41:53.160 --> 0:41:56.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm in such a good place. And I also don't

0:41:56.560 --> 0:42:01.759
<v Speaker 2>think that there's one which way that people can or

0:42:01.840 --> 0:42:05.720
<v Speaker 2>need to get any help or life coaching if you will.

0:42:06.320 --> 0:42:08.640
<v Speaker 2>I think that it's not a one size fits all.

0:42:09.239 --> 0:42:12.480
<v Speaker 2>I think everyone whatever you're willing to try, try it,

0:42:13.040 --> 0:42:15.120
<v Speaker 2>and whatever you feel like really speaks to your soul,

0:42:15.200 --> 0:42:16.719
<v Speaker 2>and that's that's the way to go.

0:42:17.160 --> 0:42:19.719
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, definitely, Yeah, there's such a value when you can

0:42:19.840 --> 0:42:23.239
<v Speaker 1>trust someone in speaking to someone who's not connected to

0:42:23.280 --> 0:42:26.080
<v Speaker 1>your life right and almost doesn't feel the pressure to

0:42:26.120 --> 0:42:29.040
<v Speaker 1>remind you, hey, you're doing great, or like you know

0:42:29.120 --> 0:42:32.440
<v Speaker 1>that's trying to fill all those other ways. But the

0:42:32.480 --> 0:42:35.000
<v Speaker 1>thing that stood out to me is, you know you

0:42:35.040 --> 0:42:38.080
<v Speaker 1>talked earlier about the romantic relationships where your trust was broken.

0:42:38.560 --> 0:42:41.760
<v Speaker 1>How do you even find the courage to trust again.

0:42:42.160 --> 0:42:46.080
<v Speaker 2>That's really hard And it took me over ten years

0:42:46.120 --> 0:42:48.480
<v Speaker 2>to see a therapist again. And so many people I

0:42:48.480 --> 0:42:50.759
<v Speaker 2>think you need therapy, and I was like, well, I'm

0:42:50.840 --> 0:42:53.960
<v Speaker 2>sure I do, but I don't feel comfortable talking to anybody.

0:42:54.280 --> 0:42:58.839
<v Speaker 2>And definitely, at first, I would talk to her so monotone,

0:42:58.960 --> 0:43:02.160
<v Speaker 2>so matter of fact. She would even say, you don't

0:43:02.160 --> 0:43:06.080
<v Speaker 2>have emotion when you're speaking, And for me, I had

0:43:06.120 --> 0:43:09.759
<v Speaker 2>to turn off the emotional switch in me and I

0:43:09.760 --> 0:43:12.520
<v Speaker 2>would tell stories because they are a matter of fact

0:43:12.520 --> 0:43:14.399
<v Speaker 2>when I'm giving you the facts. But it was more

0:43:14.520 --> 0:43:18.600
<v Speaker 2>like I'm it wasn't me. I'm just reading off somebody's

0:43:18.719 --> 0:43:23.600
<v Speaker 2>life story. And one of our activities or homework assignments

0:43:23.640 --> 0:43:29.480
<v Speaker 2>basically was me writing some like from the mini traumas

0:43:29.520 --> 0:43:31.879
<v Speaker 2>to the big traumas in my life and writing them down.

0:43:31.880 --> 0:43:33.880
<v Speaker 2>And the more I would write them down, it's like

0:43:33.960 --> 0:43:38.400
<v Speaker 2>this is ridiculous, like how many many to major traumas

0:43:38.400 --> 0:43:40.839
<v Speaker 2>there are? And then we would go line by line

0:43:40.840 --> 0:43:42.920
<v Speaker 2>and talk about them, as opposed to just being like

0:43:43.680 --> 0:43:46.320
<v Speaker 2>this happened and this and throwing everything under the rug.

0:43:47.040 --> 0:43:51.759
<v Speaker 2>She wanted to dissect everyone, not to be nosy, not

0:43:51.840 --> 0:43:54.200
<v Speaker 2>for I felt it like there's some people I meet

0:43:54.239 --> 0:43:56.000
<v Speaker 2>with and I'm like, I do not trust this person.

0:43:56.640 --> 0:43:59.000
<v Speaker 2>I'm not going to give them anything. And she really

0:43:59.040 --> 0:44:02.120
<v Speaker 2>worked hard to earn my trust. That made me feel

0:44:02.120 --> 0:44:06.000
<v Speaker 2>safer with her and just to sort of get why

0:44:06.080 --> 0:44:10.239
<v Speaker 2>I am so dead about some of the things that

0:44:10.360 --> 0:44:13.400
<v Speaker 2>I should probably be crying about if I'm telling somebody

0:44:13.440 --> 0:44:17.000
<v Speaker 2>this story that I'm telling. But the trust took a

0:44:17.040 --> 0:44:20.839
<v Speaker 2>long time. But I will say because I trust all

0:44:20.840 --> 0:44:24.279
<v Speaker 2>of my siblings with everything, in me that normally if

0:44:24.320 --> 0:44:27.200
<v Speaker 2>it is an introduction through them, course, my guards do

0:44:27.320 --> 0:44:32.080
<v Speaker 2>go down. And Kim has had her own crazy things

0:44:32.080 --> 0:44:34.600
<v Speaker 2>that she's not very trusting with either, So for her

0:44:34.680 --> 0:44:37.239
<v Speaker 2>to trust I was like, Okay, I think I'm a

0:44:37.239 --> 0:44:38.000
<v Speaker 2>little safe here.

0:44:38.200 --> 0:44:40.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, what did you find about that? Because I think

0:44:40.120 --> 0:44:42.400
<v Speaker 1>that's so true for so many people who go to

0:44:42.480 --> 0:44:46.839
<v Speaker 1>therapy that when you first go, you do recount your

0:44:46.880 --> 0:44:50.000
<v Speaker 1>life as if it's a biography, right right, you talk

0:44:50.000 --> 0:44:52.799
<v Speaker 1>about it is if it's another person, right, because we

0:44:52.960 --> 0:44:56.759
<v Speaker 1>have disassociated and disconnected some of that emotion as a

0:44:56.760 --> 0:45:00.600
<v Speaker 1>protective mechanism, as a mechanism of not internalized all of it.

0:45:00.920 --> 0:45:03.239
<v Speaker 1>What did you find when you started to kind of

0:45:03.680 --> 0:45:06.880
<v Speaker 1>go through the less salacious parts and these more and

0:45:07.560 --> 0:45:11.240
<v Speaker 1>to be honest, I also imagine it's rarely those moments

0:45:11.280 --> 0:45:13.840
<v Speaker 1>that are the really defining moments. The defining moments happened

0:45:13.880 --> 0:45:16.360
<v Speaker 1>much earlier, right, well, the unseen things. What did you

0:45:16.400 --> 0:45:18.799
<v Speaker 1>discover as you started to almost as you said in

0:45:18.840 --> 0:45:20.759
<v Speaker 1>your words, you were dead. How did you become more

0:45:20.800 --> 0:45:23.600
<v Speaker 1>alive to the emotion of those moments? What did you discover?

0:45:23.760 --> 0:45:26.480
<v Speaker 2>I remember, I would just like I wrote everything down

0:45:26.800 --> 0:45:29.440
<v Speaker 2>and I would read them as if I was reading,

0:45:29.480 --> 0:45:34.080
<v Speaker 2>like you said, somebody's biography and I'm like okay. She

0:45:34.120 --> 0:45:37.000
<v Speaker 2>would just keep asking me, you don't have any feeling

0:45:37.080 --> 0:45:40.239
<v Speaker 2>when you read these? And I was like, well yeah,

0:45:40.239 --> 0:45:43.000
<v Speaker 2>and I would start laughing and she's like, okay, well

0:45:43.880 --> 0:45:48.080
<v Speaker 2>not laughter because I would feel so uncomfortable, and then

0:45:48.360 --> 0:45:52.239
<v Speaker 2>that's my nervousness. And I realized once I was I

0:45:52.280 --> 0:45:54.960
<v Speaker 2>would be like okay, sort of get my own ego

0:45:55.000 --> 0:45:57.200
<v Speaker 2>out of the way, like I had to strip myself down.

0:45:57.320 --> 0:46:00.480
<v Speaker 2>And it took a few times. Like she did want

0:46:00.520 --> 0:46:02.919
<v Speaker 2>me to cry and relive this, she just was more

0:46:03.000 --> 0:46:07.400
<v Speaker 2>fascinated how I was so numb to so many things,

0:46:08.080 --> 0:46:11.960
<v Speaker 2>and it really made me more sad for myself because

0:46:12.000 --> 0:46:15.360
<v Speaker 2>I felt as if, God, I've been through so many

0:46:15.360 --> 0:46:18.840
<v Speaker 2>things that at this point I would rather not feel

0:46:19.400 --> 0:46:22.760
<v Speaker 2>than feel, because feeling is too much for me to handle.

0:46:23.560 --> 0:46:26.480
<v Speaker 2>And what is life if you don't feel things like

0:46:26.520 --> 0:46:31.120
<v Speaker 2>I want to feel. I do want to feel sadness too,

0:46:31.480 --> 0:46:34.560
<v Speaker 2>like I love feeling joy and happiness. But then why

0:46:34.600 --> 0:46:37.160
<v Speaker 2>am I so get I know why I'm so okay

0:46:37.160 --> 0:46:42.280
<v Speaker 2>with that feeling. But also, grief is also a beautiful

0:46:42.320 --> 0:46:45.680
<v Speaker 2>thing because it's an expression of love. And I think

0:46:45.719 --> 0:46:49.680
<v Speaker 2>being sad or hurt means that there was once something

0:46:49.800 --> 0:46:52.200
<v Speaker 2>or someone that you valued and cared about so much.

0:46:52.800 --> 0:46:54.640
<v Speaker 2>And those were things that I had to learn and

0:46:54.719 --> 0:46:58.520
<v Speaker 2>be like, it's okay, you're safe here. So it really

0:46:58.600 --> 0:47:02.440
<v Speaker 2>just taught me to remind myself, like, we don't have

0:47:02.480 --> 0:47:05.480
<v Speaker 2>to be numb to everything. And I use humor as

0:47:06.640 --> 0:47:10.120
<v Speaker 2>an escape, as a defense mechanism. I do love to

0:47:10.200 --> 0:47:12.480
<v Speaker 2>laugh and I do love humor, but I realize in

0:47:12.680 --> 0:47:16.680
<v Speaker 2>really dark situations I do tend to make a joke

0:47:16.760 --> 0:47:19.840
<v Speaker 2>of it at some point, like that's just my personality,

0:47:20.520 --> 0:47:23.520
<v Speaker 2>and I have to remind myself it's okay to cry,

0:47:23.640 --> 0:47:25.960
<v Speaker 2>or it's okay to have feelings. That doesn't make me weak.

0:47:26.600 --> 0:47:28.759
<v Speaker 2>And I don't even that's not even a thought I'm having, like,

0:47:29.320 --> 0:47:31.120
<v Speaker 2>oh are they going to think I'm weak? But whenever

0:47:31.160 --> 0:47:35.120
<v Speaker 2>I do cry, I tend to apologize afterwards for some reason.

0:47:35.560 --> 0:47:37.360
<v Speaker 1>Have you figured out why? No?

0:47:37.400 --> 0:47:38.839
<v Speaker 3>I should probably ask her about that.

0:47:39.520 --> 0:47:42.839
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, well, I think Bartley, it's because we're I mean,

0:47:42.880 --> 0:47:45.680
<v Speaker 1>you probably know it as a mother. I think whenever

0:47:45.719 --> 0:47:47.799
<v Speaker 1>we were crying as kids, most people just said to it,

0:47:47.800 --> 0:47:50.440
<v Speaker 1>it's okay, don't cry, Yeah, it's okay, don't cry. Whatever

0:47:50.520 --> 0:47:54.560
<v Speaker 1>it was right and not that our parents had bad

0:47:54.640 --> 0:47:57.879
<v Speaker 1>intentions or anything like that. Time it's a natural thing

0:47:57.920 --> 0:48:00.239
<v Speaker 1>to say. But it's like, I think we've always been

0:48:00.239 --> 0:48:03.520
<v Speaker 1>made to feel like if you cried, it was almost

0:48:03.920 --> 0:48:07.320
<v Speaker 1>wrong or it wasn't needed, or it wasn't necessary, and

0:48:07.440 --> 0:48:08.239
<v Speaker 1>it's so weird.

0:48:08.360 --> 0:48:11.279
<v Speaker 2>My mom cried, Like I wish I was more like that.

0:48:11.320 --> 0:48:15.000
<v Speaker 2>She cries at anything and everything, like but happy.

0:48:15.200 --> 0:48:15.640
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:48:16.080 --> 0:48:20.000
<v Speaker 2>I don't know if I've cried happy tears ever, but

0:48:20.040 --> 0:48:22.800
<v Speaker 2>I wish I was that type of person that I'm like, oh,

0:48:22.840 --> 0:48:25.840
<v Speaker 2>my goodness, the joy, Like I wish I had a

0:48:25.840 --> 0:48:27.719
<v Speaker 2>little bit of that. She maybe has too much. I

0:48:27.760 --> 0:48:31.239
<v Speaker 2>wish she could sprinkle a little onto me. But I

0:48:31.280 --> 0:48:32.080
<v Speaker 2>am more all different.

0:48:32.160 --> 0:48:34.880
<v Speaker 1>I'm that person I can like get teary to it.

0:48:35.040 --> 0:48:37.160
<v Speaker 1>Like if I get asked to speak of someone's birthday

0:48:37.160 --> 0:48:39.400
<v Speaker 1>that I love, or someone's wedding or whatever it is,

0:48:39.920 --> 0:48:42.840
<v Speaker 1>I am just holding back tears. I've had the opportunity

0:48:42.880 --> 0:48:46.960
<v Speaker 1>to officiate some weddings, and whenever I'm phishating, I'm just

0:48:47.160 --> 0:48:50.279
<v Speaker 1>literally going, Jay, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, because

0:48:50.280 --> 0:48:52.480
<v Speaker 1>I just when I see people in love and I

0:48:52.520 --> 0:48:55.399
<v Speaker 1>see you know all families, and that's my dream. Yeah,

0:48:55.920 --> 0:48:58.080
<v Speaker 1>I like I'm holding back the whole time.

0:48:58.160 --> 0:49:00.359
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, No, that's my dream to be Like I I

0:49:00.400 --> 0:49:02.040
<v Speaker 2>have a heart, I have emotions.

0:49:02.160 --> 0:49:03.920
<v Speaker 3>This is beautiful like I wish.

0:49:04.200 --> 0:49:06.480
<v Speaker 1>But you're so expressive with your words. I know. I

0:49:06.520 --> 0:49:09.200
<v Speaker 1>feel like every time we talk we've connected, whether we're

0:49:09.239 --> 0:49:12.480
<v Speaker 1>messaging or whatever it is, you're so expressive. You're so

0:49:12.680 --> 0:49:15.520
<v Speaker 1>loving through your words. Thank you, like you would feel that,

0:49:15.560 --> 0:49:17.239
<v Speaker 1>and that's so natural and genuine to you.

0:49:18.040 --> 0:49:20.920
<v Speaker 2>So it's that I feel all those things, like I'm

0:49:20.960 --> 0:49:25.440
<v Speaker 2>probably too expressive with words sometimes, but maybe it's because

0:49:26.200 --> 0:49:29.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm not a great I don't cry very often at all,

0:49:30.280 --> 0:49:33.279
<v Speaker 2>and maybe that's why I don't know. Like sometimes I

0:49:33.360 --> 0:49:35.640
<v Speaker 2>turn on a sad movie just because I'm like, get

0:49:35.680 --> 0:49:38.279
<v Speaker 2>the tears out, and sometimes they don't come out, Like

0:49:38.360 --> 0:49:39.920
<v Speaker 2>there's what is wrong with me?

0:49:40.320 --> 0:49:41.879
<v Speaker 1>My wife will look over at me because I'm crying

0:49:41.920 --> 0:49:44.399
<v Speaker 1>in every moment. She's like, how are you crying at this?

0:49:44.560 --> 0:49:48.160
<v Speaker 1>Like nothing's even happened to I know what's gonna happen? Yeah, exactly.

0:49:48.520 --> 0:49:50.600
<v Speaker 1>So it seems like one of the things I noticed

0:49:50.640 --> 0:49:53.680
<v Speaker 1>with you is you're such a rock for your family,

0:49:54.080 --> 0:49:59.160
<v Speaker 1>for your children, even for your ex partners. Like you've

0:49:59.200 --> 0:50:02.360
<v Speaker 1>been such a raw and in one sense, it seems

0:50:02.400 --> 0:50:04.439
<v Speaker 1>like one of your patterns is you've always taken care

0:50:04.520 --> 0:50:08.480
<v Speaker 1>of others and other people. Have you discovered anything about

0:50:08.520 --> 0:50:11.520
<v Speaker 1>why you've seen yourself take on that role in so

0:50:11.600 --> 0:50:13.120
<v Speaker 1>many relationships in your life?

0:50:13.239 --> 0:50:17.799
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, well, it's definitely my love language. And I am

0:50:17.880 --> 0:50:21.560
<v Speaker 2>such a maternal person. I've always been that person and

0:50:21.760 --> 0:50:26.200
<v Speaker 2>no one's ever said this to me. And my parents

0:50:26.239 --> 0:50:31.279
<v Speaker 2>are so loving and so incredible. But I used to

0:50:31.320 --> 0:50:35.160
<v Speaker 2>feel but I like, I still love taking care of people,

0:50:35.160 --> 0:50:37.120
<v Speaker 2>but I used to feel like I wasn't worthy of

0:50:37.840 --> 0:50:40.200
<v Speaker 2>like so many other things. But I knew if I

0:50:40.239 --> 0:50:44.320
<v Speaker 2>took care of someone or was support like, then maybe

0:50:44.320 --> 0:50:47.120
<v Speaker 2>I'd be worthy of them loving me back. And that's

0:50:47.160 --> 0:50:50.520
<v Speaker 2>how I used to feel. And I don't know where

0:50:50.520 --> 0:50:53.719
<v Speaker 2>that came from, but it's almost like I have to

0:50:53.760 --> 0:50:56.120
<v Speaker 2>earn my place in this person's life. So if I'm

0:50:56.280 --> 0:51:00.360
<v Speaker 2>there for them, then maybe like that's enough because what

0:51:00.400 --> 0:51:01.520
<v Speaker 2>else do I have to offer?

0:51:01.640 --> 0:51:02.480
<v Speaker 3>Was how I used to.

0:51:02.440 --> 0:51:06.799
<v Speaker 2>Feel when it comes to all the kids, I was

0:51:07.000 --> 0:51:10.160
<v Speaker 2>very not by my family, but by other people. I

0:51:10.239 --> 0:51:12.839
<v Speaker 2>was always talked about my looks, always told that I

0:51:12.920 --> 0:51:16.560
<v Speaker 2>was chubby. No one ever believed that I was my

0:51:16.719 --> 0:51:21.279
<v Speaker 2>sibling's sibling. They would always say, oh, look, words she'd

0:51:21.280 --> 0:51:24.160
<v Speaker 2>come from her, She's related to you, from like teachers

0:51:24.200 --> 0:51:28.600
<v Speaker 2>that I remember so vividly, and that feeling of being

0:51:29.800 --> 0:51:33.880
<v Speaker 2>always compared to them, but always not good enough to

0:51:33.920 --> 0:51:38.160
<v Speaker 2>be considered their sibling. And I don't think these adults

0:51:38.200 --> 0:51:40.440
<v Speaker 2>maliciously knew what they were doing, but it was so

0:51:40.640 --> 0:51:45.640
<v Speaker 2>impactful that for children, I will do everything to include

0:51:45.680 --> 0:51:48.840
<v Speaker 2>them for them to never feel like that, and for

0:51:48.920 --> 0:51:51.880
<v Speaker 2>adults too. But like with kids, I don't play and

0:51:51.920 --> 0:51:54.360
<v Speaker 2>I never want someone to feel the way I did,

0:51:54.800 --> 0:51:56.840
<v Speaker 2>and so I want to be that rock for everyone.

0:51:57.480 --> 0:52:00.080
<v Speaker 2>And you know, I think also having so many brothers

0:52:00.120 --> 0:52:02.719
<v Speaker 2>and sisters, you know, we were raised with my stepdad's

0:52:02.800 --> 0:52:06.640
<v Speaker 2>kids too, being in and out. We had four stepsiblings,

0:52:07.120 --> 0:52:08.879
<v Speaker 2>so there was eight of us and then at one

0:52:08.920 --> 0:52:12.120
<v Speaker 2>point ten of us, and there's a lot and sometimes

0:52:12.239 --> 0:52:15.640
<v Speaker 2>people just don't feel as seen as others and parents

0:52:15.680 --> 0:52:18.440
<v Speaker 2>are doing the best that they can, and so I

0:52:18.480 --> 0:52:22.040
<v Speaker 2>always have just wanted everyone to feel seen and supported

0:52:22.160 --> 0:52:26.880
<v Speaker 2>and from every sister and exes like it's just I

0:52:27.000 --> 0:52:29.320
<v Speaker 2>feel like they're always in our lives, that God puts

0:52:29.320 --> 0:52:32.719
<v Speaker 2>people in our lives for a reason. But I don't

0:52:32.719 --> 0:52:35.120
<v Speaker 2>know it's a part of me that I actually really

0:52:35.280 --> 0:52:38.200
<v Speaker 2>love about myself. Because we've talked about it in therapy.

0:52:39.120 --> 0:52:42.359
<v Speaker 2>She thinks I give my love. What did she say?

0:52:42.400 --> 0:52:43.600
<v Speaker 2>I don't want to mess it up. She's like, I

0:52:43.600 --> 0:52:46.279
<v Speaker 2>think you give your love to others because you've never

0:52:46.360 --> 0:52:49.800
<v Speaker 2>really felt that love yourself. But I know I've felt

0:52:49.800 --> 0:52:53.960
<v Speaker 2>that from my parents. It's mainly from outside people that

0:52:54.040 --> 0:52:57.719
<v Speaker 2>I've never really felt real genuine love. It was like, oh,

0:52:57.719 --> 0:53:01.880
<v Speaker 2>they'll take me because they wanted Courtney Kim and or whatever.

0:53:01.960 --> 0:53:04.160
<v Speaker 2>Like I always had to like I was always the

0:53:04.200 --> 0:53:07.160
<v Speaker 2>funny one because I felt like that was how I

0:53:07.200 --> 0:53:09.799
<v Speaker 2>would get attention, because it wasn't because oh she's so

0:53:09.920 --> 0:53:12.759
<v Speaker 2>cute or this or that, because people always made such

0:53:12.800 --> 0:53:15.279
<v Speaker 2>a point to tell me how much I did not

0:53:15.400 --> 0:53:19.400
<v Speaker 2>look like them or things like that. So I felt like, well,

0:53:19.440 --> 0:53:21.880
<v Speaker 2>those were the things that people praised me on, so

0:53:21.960 --> 0:53:22.799
<v Speaker 2>let's keep them up.

0:53:23.080 --> 0:53:25.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And it is such a beautiful thing to be

0:53:25.200 --> 0:53:28.239
<v Speaker 1>able to say I love this about myself, and yes,

0:53:28.360 --> 0:53:33.000
<v Speaker 1>maybe it's made me overgive or over love or overshare

0:53:33.120 --> 0:53:35.359
<v Speaker 1>or whatever it may be. But at the same time,

0:53:35.400 --> 0:53:37.959
<v Speaker 1>there's a beauty in this helps me be an amazing mom,

0:53:38.400 --> 0:53:40.640
<v Speaker 1>helps me protect these children like which is such a

0:53:40.680 --> 0:53:43.440
<v Speaker 1>beautiful gift. And I think sometimes that's so true that

0:53:43.480 --> 0:53:47.839
<v Speaker 1>our greatest gifts and our greatest superpowers come from how

0:53:47.880 --> 0:53:50.080
<v Speaker 1>we were loved and what we experienced, what we had

0:53:50.200 --> 0:53:53.000
<v Speaker 1>or didn't have, and it starts figuring out how that

0:53:53.040 --> 0:53:55.919
<v Speaker 1>superpower can still live in our life and not trip

0:53:56.040 --> 0:53:59.080
<v Speaker 1>us up. I think as time's gone on, as we

0:53:59.120 --> 0:54:03.239
<v Speaker 1>start to set bound a boundary should never put a

0:54:03.239 --> 0:54:06.440
<v Speaker 1>boundary on your ability to love. It's a boundary to

0:54:06.520 --> 0:54:09.320
<v Speaker 1>protect you from loving the wrong person. And there's a

0:54:09.360 --> 0:54:12.279
<v Speaker 1>difference in that right you wanting to share love and

0:54:12.360 --> 0:54:14.800
<v Speaker 1>give love should never be limited.

0:54:15.360 --> 0:54:17.239
<v Speaker 3>But who you are not a bad thing and not a.

0:54:17.239 --> 0:54:19.759
<v Speaker 1>Bad thing and not a bad thing. And I think

0:54:19.800 --> 0:54:23.560
<v Speaker 1>we all can become closed hearted and you know, darker

0:54:23.600 --> 0:54:26.319
<v Speaker 1>and bitter about it because of what we've experienced. But

0:54:26.680 --> 0:54:28.359
<v Speaker 1>I love that you've held onto that. And I think

0:54:28.880 --> 0:54:34.160
<v Speaker 1>the biggest challenge for a good hearted, good person is

0:54:34.200 --> 0:54:37.240
<v Speaker 1>that we believe everyone loves the way we do yes,

0:54:37.280 --> 0:54:39.879
<v Speaker 1>and then when they don't, we feel hurt. By it,

0:54:40.560 --> 0:54:44.239
<v Speaker 1>and then we can become closed and unloving. But that's

0:54:44.280 --> 0:54:46.920
<v Speaker 1>the biggest loss for the world. It's the biggest loss

0:54:46.960 --> 0:54:50.760
<v Speaker 1>for our lives, because, as you said, there's so much joy.

0:54:50.800 --> 0:54:53.440
<v Speaker 1>If you can feel joy in being that person, it's

0:54:53.480 --> 0:54:54.239
<v Speaker 1>a beautiful thing.

0:54:54.560 --> 0:54:58.040
<v Speaker 2>People are always so surprised that I'm not more cynical

0:54:58.120 --> 0:55:01.359
<v Speaker 2>when it comes to love. I always asked, you ever

0:55:01.400 --> 0:55:03.959
<v Speaker 2>think you're going to get married again? And I go, yes,

0:55:04.440 --> 0:55:06.160
<v Speaker 2>I hope, I'm want to get married again. I think

0:55:06.200 --> 0:55:09.960
<v Speaker 2>marriage is the most beautiful union that there is. And

0:55:10.040 --> 0:55:13.160
<v Speaker 2>I love that. I love family. I mean, look at

0:55:13.200 --> 0:55:16.279
<v Speaker 2>our family. We can't get away from each other. And

0:55:16.520 --> 0:55:21.000
<v Speaker 2>I love every aspect of love, whether it be just

0:55:21.000 --> 0:55:24.960
<v Speaker 2>for a friendship, love or like I value that respect

0:55:25.040 --> 0:55:28.319
<v Speaker 2>and that secrecy and that loyalty and whatever it is.

0:55:29.120 --> 0:55:31.479
<v Speaker 2>And people are always surprised that I believe in love.

0:55:32.000 --> 0:55:37.759
<v Speaker 2>I probably am more joyful now, especially with love, than

0:55:38.040 --> 0:55:41.200
<v Speaker 2>maybe five years ago. And it's because I feel like

0:55:41.320 --> 0:55:46.600
<v Speaker 2>I know how to control myself more, where before, you know,

0:55:46.640 --> 0:55:50.759
<v Speaker 2>you just give things so freely. And I love giving love.

0:55:50.960 --> 0:55:55.160
<v Speaker 2>I love loving myself, loving my family and others. But

0:55:55.840 --> 0:55:58.120
<v Speaker 2>I feel like I'm a little bit wiser with maybe

0:55:58.200 --> 0:56:01.600
<v Speaker 2>whom I give it to so innocently.

0:56:02.040 --> 0:56:03.759
<v Speaker 1>I think the amazing thing about love is we think

0:56:03.840 --> 0:56:06.560
<v Speaker 1>love is also something we only feel when we receive it,

0:56:07.160 --> 0:56:09.000
<v Speaker 1>But love you actually feel it when you get to

0:56:09.040 --> 0:56:12.000
<v Speaker 1>give it. Yes, there's like a joy in giving love

0:56:12.800 --> 0:56:14.480
<v Speaker 1>that isn't there even in receiving it.

0:56:14.600 --> 0:56:17.800
<v Speaker 2>I could not worry more like I cannot accept gifts

0:56:17.840 --> 0:56:21.880
<v Speaker 2>from people. I feel so uncomfortable, but giving somebody a

0:56:21.960 --> 0:56:27.440
<v Speaker 2>gift I love, and I get so excited just for

0:56:27.560 --> 0:56:29.440
<v Speaker 2>because I like to give really thoughtful gifts.

0:56:29.600 --> 0:56:32.360
<v Speaker 3>It's just the joy that you give to people. I love.

0:56:32.920 --> 0:56:35.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I just love. And I do have a problem

0:56:35.040 --> 0:56:37.880
<v Speaker 2>where I love people. I was one of those kids.

0:56:37.920 --> 0:56:40.320
<v Speaker 2>My mom was like, I could never leave you alone.

0:56:40.360 --> 0:56:42.480
<v Speaker 2>You would just go talk to everyone and I but

0:56:42.600 --> 0:56:45.279
<v Speaker 2>I've always been a people person, so and I never

0:56:45.320 --> 0:56:48.200
<v Speaker 2>want to see people in pain. I want to be

0:56:48.320 --> 0:56:51.160
<v Speaker 2>that love and support for someone if and when I can.

0:56:51.400 --> 0:56:54.360
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's beautiful. I mean, speaking of marriage. Obviously recently

0:56:54.400 --> 0:56:57.399
<v Speaker 1>on the show, you had Lamar on the show, and

0:56:57.480 --> 0:56:59.080
<v Speaker 1>I believe it was the first time you'd seen each

0:56:59.120 --> 0:57:02.520
<v Speaker 1>other in nine years, almost ten almost ten years. Yes,

0:57:02.920 --> 0:57:06.800
<v Speaker 1>I wonder why did you feel now? Was the time

0:57:07.760 --> 0:57:11.520
<v Speaker 1>to reconnect and was it you initiated? Was him? Where

0:57:11.520 --> 0:57:12.400
<v Speaker 1>did that come from?

0:57:12.680 --> 0:57:16.120
<v Speaker 2>So yeah, Lamar and I. The last time I saw him,

0:57:16.160 --> 0:57:20.400
<v Speaker 2>I believe was twenty sixteen. Wow, And it never spoke.

0:57:21.120 --> 0:57:25.640
<v Speaker 2>Nothing since twenty sixteen, if my memory serves correctly. I

0:57:25.760 --> 0:57:29.680
<v Speaker 2>was actually at Super Bowl last year, the one in

0:57:29.760 --> 0:57:33.640
<v Speaker 2>Las Vegas, and my best friend Malika was there and

0:57:33.680 --> 0:57:36.800
<v Speaker 2>she was staying somewhere else and she ran into him

0:57:36.880 --> 0:57:39.800
<v Speaker 2>in a hotel lobby and they both just started like

0:57:39.960 --> 0:57:42.800
<v Speaker 2>crying because they were really close and just embraced and

0:57:42.840 --> 0:57:47.600
<v Speaker 2>they exchanged numbers and so that's how the first intro happened.

0:57:48.200 --> 0:57:54.000
<v Speaker 2>And for Lamar I I've when we divorced, Lamar was

0:57:54.000 --> 0:57:57.440
<v Speaker 2>not in a good headspace. But Lamar's a seven foot

0:57:57.440 --> 0:58:00.440
<v Speaker 2>tall man. We had all this custom furniture and he

0:58:00.480 --> 0:58:02.160
<v Speaker 2>was like, just get rid of it all. I don't

0:58:02.280 --> 0:58:03.440
<v Speaker 2>want to just sell the house.

0:58:03.480 --> 0:58:05.600
<v Speaker 3>And I'm like what. I didn't know what to do.

0:58:05.600 --> 0:58:08.720
<v Speaker 2>With that, So for years I kept a storage unit

0:58:08.760 --> 0:58:11.560
<v Speaker 2>of all of his furniture, thinking one day he would

0:58:11.560 --> 0:58:17.720
<v Speaker 2>want it, and years ago before I had kids, thank you, Well,

0:58:17.800 --> 0:58:20.520
<v Speaker 2>it's his and expensive and he's a big guy, like

0:58:20.560 --> 0:58:23.320
<v Speaker 2>you're going to want it, and I remember he was

0:58:24.160 --> 0:58:28.120
<v Speaker 2>before I had true I think I was just pregnant.

0:58:28.120 --> 0:58:29.760
<v Speaker 2>I was like, you know what, I just I don't

0:58:29.800 --> 0:58:32.880
<v Speaker 2>need to hold on to this storage unit anymore. And

0:58:33.280 --> 0:58:38.040
<v Speaker 2>he said, through his friend who will go unnamed, said

0:58:39.160 --> 0:58:42.000
<v Speaker 2>give him the storage keys and he'll take it for me.

0:58:42.040 --> 0:58:44.360
<v Speaker 2>And I was like, cool, Fine, I did so, and

0:58:44.440 --> 0:58:48.320
<v Speaker 2>I found out later down the line that this friend

0:58:48.360 --> 0:58:51.680
<v Speaker 2>of his sold everything that was in the unit and

0:58:52.000 --> 0:58:55.000
<v Speaker 2>without Lamar knowing, and that broke my heart because I

0:58:55.000 --> 0:58:57.960
<v Speaker 2>was like, I've saved these things for years. I could

0:58:57.960 --> 0:58:59.480
<v Speaker 2>have got rid of it then, but these were his

0:58:59.560 --> 0:59:03.880
<v Speaker 2>belongings and memorabilia from all of his sports stuff and whatever.

0:59:03.960 --> 0:59:05.240
<v Speaker 3>So that broke my heart.

0:59:05.560 --> 0:59:09.400
<v Speaker 2>When I moved from my last house during COVID, I

0:59:09.440 --> 0:59:12.760
<v Speaker 2>think it was twenty twenty or twenty twenty one, I

0:59:12.800 --> 0:59:15.320
<v Speaker 2>didn't think I had a thing of Lamar's. I found

0:59:15.360 --> 0:59:18.360
<v Speaker 2>Lamar's six Man of the Year trophy. I found his

0:59:18.880 --> 0:59:22.120
<v Speaker 2>mom passed away when he was twelve. I believe I

0:59:22.200 --> 0:59:24.640
<v Speaker 2>found stuff of his mother's. They were all in my

0:59:24.720 --> 0:59:28.400
<v Speaker 2>attic jewelry, all this stuff, and I held on to

0:59:28.520 --> 0:59:30.200
<v Speaker 2>it and I said, I'm never going to give this

0:59:30.880 --> 0:59:33.760
<v Speaker 2>to somebody else unless it's Lamar. I'm going to hold

0:59:33.760 --> 0:59:37.680
<v Speaker 2>onto these things because now I don't trust his people

0:59:37.720 --> 0:59:43.000
<v Speaker 2>around him. And when Malika reached out. When Malika told

0:59:43.000 --> 0:59:45.760
<v Speaker 2>me she saw him, I said, that's so weird. I

0:59:46.040 --> 0:59:49.480
<v Speaker 2>just found his mom's driver's license last week and I

0:59:49.520 --> 0:59:51.320
<v Speaker 2>was like, okay. She's like, well, why don't you give

0:59:51.360 --> 0:59:52.720
<v Speaker 2>it to him? I was like, let me think this over.

0:59:52.800 --> 0:59:56.880
<v Speaker 2>And it took a few months for me to want

0:59:56.920 --> 0:59:59.600
<v Speaker 2>her to reach out to say, like, do you want

0:59:59.720 --> 1:00:01.640
<v Speaker 2>to met up with me? Because I wanted to do it.

1:00:01.920 --> 1:00:04.160
<v Speaker 2>I didn't want to just drop it off. I didn't

1:00:04.640 --> 1:00:06.960
<v Speaker 2>I wanted to see him and make sure still that

1:00:07.040 --> 1:00:11.120
<v Speaker 2>he was doing okay. And at the time I didn't

1:00:11.280 --> 1:00:14.120
<v Speaker 2>have any feelings. I was like, yeah, let's hang let's

1:00:14.200 --> 1:00:15.960
<v Speaker 2>come over, Let's go to Malika's house. I didn't want

1:00:15.960 --> 1:00:17.640
<v Speaker 2>to do it in public where it would be a

1:00:17.640 --> 1:00:19.680
<v Speaker 2>big spectacle. I didn't want to do it at my

1:00:19.800 --> 1:00:24.120
<v Speaker 2>house because my kid's there, and he knew about the cameras.

1:00:25.000 --> 1:00:27.240
<v Speaker 2>He picked the time of the date. I never would

1:00:27.240 --> 1:00:30.520
<v Speaker 2>have ambushed somebody about that, and he picked the time

1:00:30.520 --> 1:00:33.360
<v Speaker 2>of the date. He flew in for it, and it's

1:00:33.400 --> 1:00:37.040
<v Speaker 2>so weird. When I thought I was totally cool, and

1:00:37.120 --> 1:00:41.600
<v Speaker 2>when he came in, he was so nervous, and I

1:00:41.680 --> 1:00:44.960
<v Speaker 2>was trying to reassure him, like we're fine and whatever.

1:00:46.240 --> 1:00:50.320
<v Speaker 2>And there would be times in our conversation that I

1:00:50.520 --> 1:00:54.520
<v Speaker 2>started getting these feelings. I don't know if they're triggers

1:00:54.800 --> 1:00:57.920
<v Speaker 2>or because we've both experienced a lot of trauma together,

1:00:58.280 --> 1:01:03.120
<v Speaker 2>Lamar and I, and there would be either little mannerisms

1:01:03.200 --> 1:01:07.680
<v Speaker 2>or things that would flash me back to ten fifteen

1:01:07.760 --> 1:01:11.120
<v Speaker 2>years ago, and I didn't realize how triggered I was

1:01:11.120 --> 1:01:12.400
<v Speaker 2>getting from Lamar.

1:01:12.920 --> 1:01:16.000
<v Speaker 1>What did it bring up for you? And was it

1:01:16.160 --> 1:01:20.440
<v Speaker 1>useful in giving moreclosure? Did it feel like it moved

1:01:20.480 --> 1:01:22.440
<v Speaker 1>it on or was it kind of like pulling you back?

1:01:22.440 --> 1:01:24.120
<v Speaker 1>Because I'm thinking about all the people in the world

1:01:24.160 --> 1:01:26.760
<v Speaker 1>to have the courage festival to even not talk to

1:01:26.800 --> 1:01:29.600
<v Speaker 1>someone for nine years, because that's hard enough as it is,

1:01:30.360 --> 1:01:32.320
<v Speaker 1>but then to kind of throw yourself back into it

1:01:32.360 --> 1:01:33.360
<v Speaker 1>that much time later.

1:01:33.800 --> 1:01:35.720
<v Speaker 2>Well, I could only say this because he I would

1:01:35.720 --> 1:01:38.320
<v Speaker 2>never tell somebody else's story. But I'm saying this because

1:01:38.360 --> 1:01:41.160
<v Speaker 2>he said it on the episode. We didn't talk for

1:01:41.240 --> 1:01:46.400
<v Speaker 2>ten years because after his overdose, Lamar couldn't walk or

1:01:46.440 --> 1:01:49.200
<v Speaker 2>talk and he had a significant amount of seizures and

1:01:49.240 --> 1:01:53.440
<v Speaker 2>strokes and needed to be rehabilitated, and I helped him

1:01:53.480 --> 1:01:56.480
<v Speaker 2>through that journey, and then when he was at a

1:01:56.560 --> 1:02:00.800
<v Speaker 2>decent place, he started using again, and he said that

1:02:00.880 --> 1:02:01.360
<v Speaker 2>on the show.

1:02:01.400 --> 1:02:03.320
<v Speaker 3>That's why I'm saying it now.

1:02:03.680 --> 1:02:07.960
<v Speaker 2>And from that moment was when I was paying for

1:02:08.000 --> 1:02:10.600
<v Speaker 2>a house firm to be in, I was taking care

1:02:10.640 --> 1:02:14.520
<v Speaker 2>of him, and I said, I can never see you again,

1:02:14.960 --> 1:02:20.040
<v Speaker 2>not that it was anything ever romantic. I love Lamar

1:02:20.080 --> 1:02:23.240
<v Speaker 2>with all my heart even today, I love, love, love him,

1:02:23.520 --> 1:02:25.920
<v Speaker 2>and I know he was like one of the greatest

1:02:25.920 --> 1:02:28.720
<v Speaker 2>loves of my life. It just other circumstances took over.

1:02:30.080 --> 1:02:34.360
<v Speaker 2>So I really sincerely wanted the best for him. When

1:02:34.440 --> 1:02:38.640
<v Speaker 2>he started using again after such a horrific accident where he,

1:02:39.360 --> 1:02:42.240
<v Speaker 2>in my opinion, is a miracle that he is alive today.

1:02:43.320 --> 1:02:46.880
<v Speaker 2>I couldn't understand how someone would go and do that again.

1:02:47.360 --> 1:02:50.680
<v Speaker 2>And I get it's a disease, but it felt like

1:02:50.800 --> 1:02:53.680
<v Speaker 2>you punched me in my stomach. And I put so

1:02:53.800 --> 1:02:56.840
<v Speaker 2>much of my life on hold to take care of

1:02:57.240 --> 1:03:00.600
<v Speaker 2>this person, just for them to be like, well, that's fine,

1:03:00.720 --> 1:03:03.920
<v Speaker 2>Like I'm not sure how he felt about himself. It

1:03:04.040 --> 1:03:07.080
<v Speaker 2>made me feel that he had no respect for his

1:03:07.120 --> 1:03:11.120
<v Speaker 2>own life and for anything that I did for him

1:03:11.200 --> 1:03:15.320
<v Speaker 2>as well. And so from that moment on, I said, no,

1:03:15.440 --> 1:03:19.680
<v Speaker 2>I'm not speaking to this person anymore because it does

1:03:19.760 --> 1:03:23.520
<v Speaker 2>nothing for me. There's no benefit in this. I felt

1:03:23.760 --> 1:03:26.600
<v Speaker 2>more like I would be taking care of him but

1:03:26.760 --> 1:03:29.480
<v Speaker 2>being lied to. I just I had so many negative thoughts.

1:03:30.200 --> 1:03:33.240
<v Speaker 2>So that ten year break, as sad as it was,

1:03:33.240 --> 1:03:37.120
<v Speaker 2>it wasn't that hard for me because I it was,

1:03:37.480 --> 1:03:39.760
<v Speaker 2>but it was sad, and I thought about him all

1:03:39.760 --> 1:03:42.480
<v Speaker 2>the time and always wanting to make sure he's okay.

1:03:43.320 --> 1:03:48.360
<v Speaker 2>And then when I saw him, like I loved seeing him,

1:03:48.360 --> 1:03:51.080
<v Speaker 2>it was great. It was really sad at the same

1:03:51.160 --> 1:03:56.560
<v Speaker 2>time seeing someone I thought I would never outgrow. I

1:03:56.640 --> 1:04:02.720
<v Speaker 2>realized how much I outgrew him, and that made me sad.

1:04:02.840 --> 1:04:05.280
<v Speaker 2>But I wonder if we were still married, would we

1:04:05.320 --> 1:04:08.360
<v Speaker 2>have grown together? And there were so many things that

1:04:08.480 --> 1:04:11.880
<v Speaker 2>made me wonder even more, like would we have grown

1:04:11.920 --> 1:04:15.920
<v Speaker 2>together if we did stay together, would this have stopped?

1:04:16.000 --> 1:04:19.400
<v Speaker 2>Or would it would that beast always you know, be

1:04:19.520 --> 1:04:22.160
<v Speaker 2>needing to be fed. But you can't live your life

1:04:22.160 --> 1:04:26.800
<v Speaker 2>in the what ifs of it all. But it definitely

1:04:27.680 --> 1:04:30.760
<v Speaker 2>made me sad because I just felt like we were

1:04:31.080 --> 1:04:33.720
<v Speaker 2>two totally different people and I never thought we would

1:04:33.760 --> 1:04:37.960
<v Speaker 2>get to that place. Yeah, I'm happy for him. I

1:04:38.040 --> 1:04:41.880
<v Speaker 2>am so happy that he's so Bernie's doing these great

1:04:41.920 --> 1:04:44.840
<v Speaker 2>things with his life, and those are things that anyone

1:04:44.920 --> 1:04:45.919
<v Speaker 2>should be rooting for.

1:04:46.800 --> 1:04:47.760
<v Speaker 3>I'm also proud of.

1:04:47.800 --> 1:04:53.360
<v Speaker 2>Him for meeting with me, because as much as scary

1:04:53.400 --> 1:04:57.600
<v Speaker 2>as or as nerve wracking and yeah, scary as it

1:04:57.680 --> 1:05:00.480
<v Speaker 2>was for me to meet with him, I could only

1:05:00.520 --> 1:05:03.720
<v Speaker 2>imagine how he felt because we left on really bad

1:05:03.800 --> 1:05:06.760
<v Speaker 2>terms on his end, so I'm sure it was scarier

1:05:06.800 --> 1:05:07.200
<v Speaker 2>for him.

1:05:07.400 --> 1:05:10.280
<v Speaker 1>Does it make you feel like there's more healing for

1:05:10.360 --> 1:05:14.080
<v Speaker 1>you to do in regard to that relationship, like resentment, anger,

1:05:14.160 --> 1:05:17.120
<v Speaker 1>or that the forgiveness that you had is kind of

1:05:17.120 --> 1:05:18.200
<v Speaker 1>felt more concrete.

1:05:18.680 --> 1:05:24.000
<v Speaker 2>I don't have any anger or resentment. I really really don't.

1:05:23.400 --> 1:05:26.680
<v Speaker 2>And I don't know if this is a bad or

1:05:26.720 --> 1:05:31.280
<v Speaker 2>a good thing. But me and all my siblings, my

1:05:31.360 --> 1:05:33.000
<v Speaker 2>mom could be on the fence with this one, but

1:05:33.040 --> 1:05:36.680
<v Speaker 2>definitely me and my siblings. When we will be mad

1:05:36.680 --> 1:05:39.160
<v Speaker 2>in the moment and curse someone out and YadA YadA,

1:05:39.240 --> 1:05:41.680
<v Speaker 2>you give us a year and we're like, we love

1:05:41.760 --> 1:05:43.800
<v Speaker 2>that person. What do you like, we don't ever hold

1:05:43.840 --> 1:05:47.320
<v Speaker 2>on to that bad stuff, and we don't know if

1:05:47.360 --> 1:05:51.840
<v Speaker 2>that's necessarily good, because you sometimes you need to remember

1:05:51.880 --> 1:05:54.640
<v Speaker 2>what people are capable of, but we're like, oh, but

1:05:54.760 --> 1:05:59.000
<v Speaker 2>they're great, and we'll recite these great things. But I

1:05:59.040 --> 1:06:01.120
<v Speaker 2>also think it is a beautif thing because I want

1:06:01.120 --> 1:06:03.680
<v Speaker 2>to remember the good. I know what you are capable of,

1:06:03.760 --> 1:06:06.840
<v Speaker 2>but I don't need to hold on to all of

1:06:06.880 --> 1:06:09.360
<v Speaker 2>the stuff that happened too, because I also feel like

1:06:10.120 --> 1:06:13.800
<v Speaker 2>that was their journey that was for them to experience

1:06:13.840 --> 1:06:16.320
<v Speaker 2>and go through and I was just a bystander. Yes

1:06:16.360 --> 1:06:19.000
<v Speaker 2>I went through it as well, but that journey is

1:06:19.160 --> 1:06:20.400
<v Speaker 2>really for that other person.

1:06:21.120 --> 1:06:26.360
<v Speaker 1>I'm mind blown, honestly. I mean, it's just and I

1:06:26.360 --> 1:06:28.680
<v Speaker 1>believe you so deeply. I can I can feel it

1:06:28.760 --> 1:06:31.120
<v Speaker 1>just sitting with you in your presence. But it's so

1:06:31.400 --> 1:06:35.040
<v Speaker 1>hard to do what you're saying for just in general.

1:06:35.920 --> 1:06:39.200
<v Speaker 1>And people always say forgive and forget, but I think

1:06:39.200 --> 1:06:41.200
<v Speaker 1>for you it's forgiven. Don't forget.

1:06:41.480 --> 1:06:44.200
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, no, forgive and don't forget. And I think so

1:06:44.320 --> 1:06:49.120
<v Speaker 2>much of it is empathy. I think that that's.

1:06:49.000 --> 1:06:52.040
<v Speaker 1>Huge, Chloe. It's huge, Like I want, I really hope

1:06:52.080 --> 1:06:55.280
<v Speaker 1>you I really hope you allowed that to sit with

1:06:55.360 --> 1:06:57.520
<v Speaker 1>you and take that incident of just how huge it.

1:06:57.440 --> 1:07:01.160
<v Speaker 2>Is well because most people say, oh, because you're so week, No,

1:07:01.240 --> 1:07:03.760
<v Speaker 2>I think of it, and I think it is a strength.

1:07:03.800 --> 1:07:09.080
<v Speaker 2>Like whenever I remember when Tristan's mother passed away, and

1:07:09.400 --> 1:07:14.600
<v Speaker 2>Tristan has a brother that's disabled and his mother was

1:07:14.920 --> 1:07:18.440
<v Speaker 2>Amari is Tristan's brother's name. Tristan's mom was a Mari's

1:07:18.440 --> 1:07:23.720
<v Speaker 2>sole caretaker and she passed away. Tristan's house was under construction,

1:07:23.920 --> 1:07:26.520
<v Speaker 2>we had all these crazy rains, his roof caved in.

1:07:27.040 --> 1:07:30.200
<v Speaker 2>Tristan and I were not speaking at this time, like

1:07:31.240 --> 1:07:33.360
<v Speaker 2>there was not a chance I would speak to him.

1:07:34.360 --> 1:07:38.520
<v Speaker 2>And when Andrea passed away, I remember having a Mari

1:07:38.640 --> 1:07:41.720
<v Speaker 2>and Tristan move in with me, because yes, he could

1:07:41.720 --> 1:07:45.000
<v Speaker 2>have gone to a hotel, but he need Tristan and

1:07:45.040 --> 1:07:48.320
<v Speaker 2>Amari both needed to be not isolated. They both lost

1:07:48.360 --> 1:07:55.200
<v Speaker 2>their mother. Amari needs special living arrangements, caretakers. There's a

1:07:55.240 --> 1:07:58.200
<v Speaker 2>lot that comes with Amari. And so I was like,

1:07:58.360 --> 1:08:01.720
<v Speaker 2>live here, your kids are here. I got so much

1:08:01.760 --> 1:08:04.960
<v Speaker 2>crap for that, and I'm thinking, do you guys think

1:08:05.520 --> 1:08:10.240
<v Speaker 2>this is weak? I wasn't speaking to this man fifteen

1:08:10.280 --> 1:08:12.800
<v Speaker 2>minutes ago, and now I'm offering to give my house here,

1:08:12.840 --> 1:08:17.200
<v Speaker 2>and that to me takes so much more strength. And

1:08:17.320 --> 1:08:19.320
<v Speaker 2>also to walk around the house in front of my

1:08:19.400 --> 1:08:22.479
<v Speaker 2>kids and smile. And because I'm not fighting in front

1:08:22.479 --> 1:08:24.200
<v Speaker 2>of my kids, I don't do stuff like that. But

1:08:24.680 --> 1:08:29.000
<v Speaker 2>and with Lamar, like for Lamar, when his accident happened,

1:08:29.720 --> 1:08:32.840
<v Speaker 2>his overdose happened at a brothel, and you know it's

1:08:32.880 --> 1:08:37.080
<v Speaker 2>not like the like I showed up at the hospital

1:08:37.160 --> 1:08:39.880
<v Speaker 2>not because I'm weak, because I was strong and I

1:08:40.000 --> 1:08:42.320
<v Speaker 2>needed to take care of him because who else would have.

1:08:42.840 --> 1:08:46.679
<v Speaker 2>And I think people don't realize how much strength comes

1:08:46.680 --> 1:08:49.680
<v Speaker 2>in those things. And it doesn't mean I forget. It

1:08:49.840 --> 1:08:52.559
<v Speaker 2>just means there's something bigger here that's going to take precedence,

1:08:52.600 --> 1:08:55.920
<v Speaker 2>and I need my moral compass says I need to

1:08:55.960 --> 1:08:57.120
<v Speaker 2>show up and honor that.

1:08:57.680 --> 1:08:58.639
<v Speaker 3>And that's just mine.

1:08:59.320 --> 1:09:01.720
<v Speaker 1>Don't ever let anyone tell me it's weak. It's so

1:09:01.920 --> 1:09:05.200
<v Speaker 1>not weak. It's it's so powerfully strong. And you can

1:09:05.240 --> 1:09:07.599
<v Speaker 1>see it in your heart and just that a heart

1:09:07.640 --> 1:09:11.280
<v Speaker 1>full of compassion and empathy and context and understand, I

1:09:11.320 --> 1:09:13.800
<v Speaker 1>mean you did that for a Mari. Right. The other

1:09:13.840 --> 1:09:16.800
<v Speaker 1>situation you're going if you're not talking to someone and

1:09:16.800 --> 1:09:18.840
<v Speaker 1>you're going against all of this, but you're recognizing that

1:09:18.880 --> 1:09:24.080
<v Speaker 1>there's someone here who's vulnerable, unable to care for themselves, right, And.

1:09:24.400 --> 1:09:26.639
<v Speaker 3>Yeahstan could have got a hotel, you know.

1:09:26.960 --> 1:09:30.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, but with Amari And then and I wanted

1:09:30.880 --> 1:09:33.559
<v Speaker 2>Tristan to be with his brother because I've been with

1:09:33.680 --> 1:09:37.200
<v Speaker 2>that family for years. But Amari knows he just lost

1:09:37.200 --> 1:09:39.320
<v Speaker 2>his mother. He needs to be around his brother. And

1:09:39.640 --> 1:09:42.519
<v Speaker 2>there were so many things. But you know, I think

1:09:43.560 --> 1:09:46.599
<v Speaker 2>I think where some people call it weakness, they don't

1:09:46.680 --> 1:09:50.000
<v Speaker 2>realize how much strength goes into putting your own personal

1:09:50.040 --> 1:09:53.160
<v Speaker 2>feelings aside for the betterment of somebody else.

1:09:53.400 --> 1:09:55.559
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and the biggest thing is you're you're better off

1:09:55.560 --> 1:09:58.639
<v Speaker 1>because of it internally, And I think that's ultimately what

1:09:58.720 --> 1:10:01.360
<v Speaker 1>no one sees apart from you, is you have to

1:10:01.400 --> 1:10:04.240
<v Speaker 1>go to when you're when your eyes closed at night

1:10:04.400 --> 1:10:06.479
<v Speaker 1>and you go to sleep, you go to sleep with

1:10:06.520 --> 1:10:09.400
<v Speaker 1>that feeling of what you did and how you felt right,

1:10:09.760 --> 1:10:12.040
<v Speaker 1>and if you were in bed that night going I

1:10:12.040 --> 1:10:14.360
<v Speaker 1>should have done this, I should have helped. I wish

1:10:14.439 --> 1:10:16.200
<v Speaker 1>I did this, But I'm going to look strong and

1:10:16.400 --> 1:10:19.439
<v Speaker 1>I don't want to be weak right, But then you're weak.

1:10:19.520 --> 1:10:22.120
<v Speaker 1>You've just you know, stayed up all night trying to

1:10:22.160 --> 1:10:24.280
<v Speaker 1>solve this issue in your head. Yeah, yeah, I know

1:10:24.320 --> 1:10:28.519
<v Speaker 1>it's huge. You brought up your beautiful children, who I

1:10:28.560 --> 1:10:33.360
<v Speaker 1>love seeing you with and the cutest and I was

1:10:33.400 --> 1:10:35.280
<v Speaker 1>just thinking that being a mom for you is just

1:10:35.320 --> 1:10:37.599
<v Speaker 1>such a it feels like such a natural role. As

1:10:37.640 --> 1:10:40.280
<v Speaker 1>you said earlier, it's my favorite thing, but it's your

1:10:40.280 --> 1:10:42.639
<v Speaker 1>favorite thing, and it comes across and seeing all the

1:10:42.760 --> 1:10:46.160
<v Speaker 1>kids together and everything. What do you hope as they

1:10:46.240 --> 1:10:49.080
<v Speaker 1>grow up do they learn about you and seeing you?

1:10:49.160 --> 1:10:51.519
<v Speaker 1>What's your hope for them to understand about their.

1:10:51.479 --> 1:10:53.760
<v Speaker 2>Mom Oh my gosh, I wish my phone's in the

1:10:53.800 --> 1:10:56.400
<v Speaker 2>other room. But I dropped her off at school today

1:10:56.920 --> 1:11:01.559
<v Speaker 2>and they each wrote something about someone, and True wrote,

1:11:02.120 --> 1:11:06.360
<v Speaker 2>I love my mommy because there's kindness in her soul.

1:11:07.120 --> 1:11:09.839
<v Speaker 2>And she's six, and I help her do her homework,

1:11:10.000 --> 1:11:14.519
<v Speaker 2>which both for sweet but the sentence there's kindness in

1:11:14.560 --> 1:11:17.479
<v Speaker 2>her soul. I was like, what a profound thing to

1:11:17.520 --> 1:11:18.759
<v Speaker 2>say and a deep thing.

1:11:18.640 --> 1:11:19.519
<v Speaker 3>For a six year old.

1:11:19.600 --> 1:11:25.920
<v Speaker 2>It was so beautiful and that makes me feel, you know,

1:11:26.080 --> 1:11:30.160
<v Speaker 2>like that I'm doing something right that they don't love

1:11:30.160 --> 1:11:33.720
<v Speaker 2>their mommy. Because she gives me presents or this or that.

1:11:33.920 --> 1:11:36.920
<v Speaker 2>Like I try to be as present with my children

1:11:36.960 --> 1:11:40.400
<v Speaker 2>as possible. We all have our phones, we all I'm

1:11:40.439 --> 1:11:43.240
<v Speaker 2>not saying I'm never on my phone, but when we

1:11:43.280 --> 1:11:45.920
<v Speaker 2>do have our time, I want to be on the

1:11:45.960 --> 1:11:47.800
<v Speaker 2>floor with them playing games. I'm not just going to

1:11:47.840 --> 1:11:50.759
<v Speaker 2>buy them all these games, and that's what they care about,

1:11:51.240 --> 1:11:55.840
<v Speaker 2>and they care about just the routine, the memories, the dinners,

1:11:55.960 --> 1:11:58.920
<v Speaker 2>the the little things that doesn't have to be all

1:11:59.000 --> 1:12:02.280
<v Speaker 2>day every day. I know everyone's working and everyone's juggling

1:12:02.280 --> 1:12:04.559
<v Speaker 2>a million things, but if you even only have thirty

1:12:04.600 --> 1:12:06.880
<v Speaker 2>minutes with your kids, make sure to put your phone

1:12:06.920 --> 1:12:09.800
<v Speaker 2>down for the thirty minutes because your kids will remember that,

1:12:10.360 --> 1:12:12.919
<v Speaker 2>and that thirty minutes you can build such a connection.

1:12:13.560 --> 1:12:16.040
<v Speaker 2>And me and my kids we talk and they take

1:12:16.120 --> 1:12:19.120
<v Speaker 2>baths together, both of them, and that's our time. And

1:12:19.600 --> 1:12:22.599
<v Speaker 2>how loving both my kids are with each other that

1:12:23.000 --> 1:12:26.839
<v Speaker 2>I take such pride in because I always hear stories

1:12:26.840 --> 1:12:29.360
<v Speaker 2>about you know, and I don't think I was that

1:12:29.479 --> 1:12:30.960
<v Speaker 2>nice to my brother when I was little.

1:12:31.400 --> 1:12:33.599
<v Speaker 3>But I just want.

1:12:33.400 --> 1:12:36.080
<v Speaker 2>Them to know that this is a house of love,

1:12:36.360 --> 1:12:39.120
<v Speaker 2>and like for me, love is the foundation love and

1:12:39.160 --> 1:12:41.439
<v Speaker 2>faith is the foundation for everything.

1:12:42.439 --> 1:12:45.000
<v Speaker 1>That's so beautiful. I mean it shows I mean, that

1:12:45.120 --> 1:12:46.920
<v Speaker 1>is such a profound thing for a six year old

1:12:46.960 --> 1:12:47.840
<v Speaker 1>to write.

1:12:47.680 --> 1:12:48.000
<v Speaker 3>Isn't it.

1:12:48.120 --> 1:12:49.720
<v Speaker 2>I got it this morth. I took a picture of

1:12:49.760 --> 1:12:53.120
<v Speaker 2>it this morning. I was like, I am, I was shocked.

1:12:53.400 --> 1:12:55.320
<v Speaker 2>I like, what a deep thing to say.

1:12:55.560 --> 1:12:58.200
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's so sweet. We were talking about earlier societies,

1:12:58.240 --> 1:13:01.519
<v Speaker 1>expectations and pressures as you up, and as you said,

1:13:01.520 --> 1:13:04.240
<v Speaker 1>it's so much harder on children today. Yes, because of

1:13:04.280 --> 1:13:07.759
<v Speaker 1>the axis right before, you knew what your class was doing. Today,

1:13:07.800 --> 1:13:09.479
<v Speaker 1>you know what the whole world is doing right. There

1:13:09.479 --> 1:13:11.719
<v Speaker 1>are also kids that the whole world knows what they're

1:13:11.720 --> 1:13:14.360
<v Speaker 1>doing right. So it creates so many How do you

1:13:14.600 --> 1:13:17.200
<v Speaker 1>what does it look like when you're thinking about this

1:13:17.600 --> 1:13:20.479
<v Speaker 1>and you're figuring out how they navigate the world that

1:13:20.479 --> 1:13:22.240
<v Speaker 1>they're growing up and what are the thoughts that come

1:13:22.280 --> 1:13:22.840
<v Speaker 1>to your mind.

1:13:23.120 --> 1:13:27.640
<v Speaker 2>We went to a restaurant the other night and the

1:13:27.720 --> 1:13:29.639
<v Speaker 2>waitress kept calling me by my name.

1:13:29.880 --> 1:13:31.799
<v Speaker 3>She was like, Chloe, do you want another drink? Whatever?

1:13:32.160 --> 1:13:34.679
<v Speaker 2>And true was going, how does she know who you are?

1:13:35.200 --> 1:13:37.120
<v Speaker 2>And I go, oh, I just come here all the time,

1:13:37.280 --> 1:13:41.439
<v Speaker 2>which I don't. But they don't realize that we're on

1:13:41.520 --> 1:13:43.800
<v Speaker 2>TV or anything, like, they don't know the difference because

1:13:43.840 --> 1:13:45.439
<v Speaker 2>I'm not talking about it.

1:13:45.840 --> 1:13:47.559
<v Speaker 3>And I just think that's that's impressive.

1:13:47.640 --> 1:13:50.320
<v Speaker 2>I think that's so funny to me that she's like,

1:13:50.520 --> 1:13:51.480
<v Speaker 2>how does somebody.

1:13:51.200 --> 1:13:53.000
<v Speaker 3>Know your name? Or she'll say why do they want

1:13:53.000 --> 1:13:55.559
<v Speaker 3>a picture with you? They go maybe she likes my hair?

1:13:55.720 --> 1:13:58.479
<v Speaker 3>Like I always try to say like something and brush

1:13:58.560 --> 1:13:59.400
<v Speaker 3>it off. I don't know.

1:13:59.479 --> 1:14:01.320
<v Speaker 2>I don't want to make a big deal out of it,

1:14:01.840 --> 1:14:04.400
<v Speaker 2>you know, for my kids. True, she has an iPad

1:14:05.400 --> 1:14:08.120
<v Speaker 2>that they can watch shows or whatever when doing her hair,

1:14:08.200 --> 1:14:11.960
<v Speaker 2>but I have limited iPad time, and I tell her

1:14:12.000 --> 1:14:14.599
<v Speaker 2>she can't have a phone until she's twelve, and who

1:14:14.640 --> 1:14:15.599
<v Speaker 2>knows about keep that.

1:14:15.760 --> 1:14:19.160
<v Speaker 3>But that's I don't think kids need it. Other than that.

1:14:19.320 --> 1:14:22.080
<v Speaker 2>I think they have these amazing phones that are just

1:14:22.200 --> 1:14:25.600
<v Speaker 2>for calling. Now I forget what they're called. Yeah, but

1:14:25.600 --> 1:14:29.320
<v Speaker 2>there's no internet access, and so I'm like, yes, if

1:14:29.360 --> 1:14:31.519
<v Speaker 2>you you know, you could have one of those phones,

1:14:31.600 --> 1:14:34.080
<v Speaker 2>but just to call me. But otherwise, why, I don't

1:14:34.360 --> 1:14:37.559
<v Speaker 2>want you looking at these things. They're not on the internet,

1:14:37.600 --> 1:14:41.880
<v Speaker 2>Like she's not on Instagram or TikTok or that kind

1:14:41.920 --> 1:14:44.439
<v Speaker 2>of stuff. I don't think that's necessary at this age.

1:14:44.479 --> 1:14:47.320
<v Speaker 2>I think it's really damaging. But I try to not

1:14:47.400 --> 1:14:50.320
<v Speaker 2>be on those things when I'm around them. Like we'll

1:14:50.360 --> 1:14:53.760
<v Speaker 2>film videos and I post them later, but we just

1:14:53.800 --> 1:14:56.720
<v Speaker 2>think we're making like dance videos. But I try not

1:14:57.160 --> 1:14:59.200
<v Speaker 2>to be on those things around them because they see that.

1:15:00.200 --> 1:15:01.519
<v Speaker 2>I picked up the phone when we were at a

1:15:01.520 --> 1:15:05.439
<v Speaker 2>red light and True was like, Mommy, no texting and driving.

1:15:05.520 --> 1:15:07.400
<v Speaker 2>And I was like, oh my gosh, she's right, I

1:15:07.439 --> 1:15:10.000
<v Speaker 2>was at a red light, but she They will also

1:15:10.080 --> 1:15:12.800
<v Speaker 2>remind you if you're doing anything illegal. They love to

1:15:12.880 --> 1:15:16.040
<v Speaker 2>yell at you. But I don't know what the world

1:15:16.080 --> 1:15:18.599
<v Speaker 2>looks like for that. I'm not someone that covers their

1:15:18.640 --> 1:15:22.040
<v Speaker 2>faces and does all that. I feel like I don't

1:15:22.120 --> 1:15:26.240
<v Speaker 2>want to not be out with my kids and or

1:15:26.240 --> 1:15:27.760
<v Speaker 2>feel like I have to hide them. I feel like

1:15:27.800 --> 1:15:31.320
<v Speaker 2>that would make my kids more anxious or ask more questions.

1:15:31.840 --> 1:15:34.599
<v Speaker 2>If my kids ever wanted to do something on TV

1:15:34.760 --> 1:15:37.320
<v Speaker 2>or anything like that, we would talk it through. But

1:15:37.640 --> 1:15:40.760
<v Speaker 2>I don't push it. I don't necessarily want them to,

1:15:41.479 --> 1:15:44.479
<v Speaker 2>but if they want to, then we can talk about it.

1:15:44.720 --> 1:15:48.800
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you were also saying that dating something that you'd

1:15:48.800 --> 1:15:51.240
<v Speaker 1>be open to at least one day in your forties

1:15:51.240 --> 1:15:51.720
<v Speaker 1>and then you.

1:15:51.720 --> 1:15:53.639
<v Speaker 3>Said ten years.

1:15:53.840 --> 1:15:57.240
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's amazing. And I was thinking, like, this idea

1:15:57.280 --> 1:16:00.160
<v Speaker 1>of dating as a mom is hard, I'm sure, with

1:16:00.280 --> 1:16:03.479
<v Speaker 1>time and energy and fn everything else, Like, how does

1:16:03.560 --> 1:16:07.240
<v Speaker 1>that even fit into that wheelhouse as you're thinking about

1:16:07.240 --> 1:16:09.760
<v Speaker 1>it for all the moms out there who are thinking

1:16:09.760 --> 1:16:11.959
<v Speaker 1>about dating in their voys, which is very real.

1:16:12.000 --> 1:16:13.760
<v Speaker 2>I don't know if I'm the best one to ask,

1:16:13.880 --> 1:16:18.320
<v Speaker 2>because I genuinely I have young My kids are younger yea,

1:16:18.520 --> 1:16:22.040
<v Speaker 2>and so I am loving that I get to have

1:16:22.200 --> 1:16:24.519
<v Speaker 2>so much time with them right now, and there's going

1:16:24.560 --> 1:16:26.599
<v Speaker 2>to be a time that no matter how much they

1:16:26.600 --> 1:16:29.080
<v Speaker 2>love me, they're not going to want to be with me,

1:16:29.520 --> 1:16:31.120
<v Speaker 2>you know. They're like, I want to be with my friends,

1:16:31.560 --> 1:16:34.280
<v Speaker 2>and yes, that's going to hurt, but I get it.

1:16:34.360 --> 1:16:35.200
<v Speaker 3>I was that kid.

1:16:35.640 --> 1:16:40.439
<v Speaker 2>And right now I'm truly happy and I don't feel lonely.

1:16:40.920 --> 1:16:43.839
<v Speaker 2>I've like, I'm so fulfilled with work and my kids,

1:16:43.960 --> 1:16:46.640
<v Speaker 2>and once they're asleep, like I get a little bit

1:16:46.680 --> 1:16:48.240
<v Speaker 2>of a lone time, and then I go to sleep

1:16:48.240 --> 1:16:49.280
<v Speaker 2>and I start again.

1:16:49.240 --> 1:16:54.040
<v Speaker 1>Listening to I'm thinking, like there's such a just even

1:16:54.040 --> 1:16:55.760
<v Speaker 1>what you're saying and just being happy with it you

1:16:55.840 --> 1:17:00.360
<v Speaker 1>are happy with yourself. I wonder does the evolved version

1:17:00.360 --> 1:17:03.000
<v Speaker 1>of you that's been doing all this work. How do

1:17:03.040 --> 1:17:05.439
<v Speaker 1>you think about the right partner now versus how you

1:17:05.520 --> 1:17:07.280
<v Speaker 1>used to think about it and then you know the

1:17:07.360 --> 1:17:10.880
<v Speaker 1>quick before, Like, how is that impacted what you look for,

1:17:11.000 --> 1:17:12.120
<v Speaker 1>what you think about?

1:17:12.240 --> 1:17:15.360
<v Speaker 2>What I do love is that now I am forced

1:17:15.400 --> 1:17:19.320
<v Speaker 2>to take my time with someone. Where before I would

1:17:19.400 --> 1:17:21.880
<v Speaker 2>love a good love bombing. I'm like, you love me, okay,

1:17:21.960 --> 1:17:23.880
<v Speaker 2>like and I would just like roll with it, where

1:17:24.600 --> 1:17:27.920
<v Speaker 2>now I think we could, you know, mildly love bomb.

1:17:27.920 --> 1:17:30.479
<v Speaker 2>But I can't do much about it because I do

1:17:30.560 --> 1:17:31.679
<v Speaker 2>love the love.

1:17:31.479 --> 1:17:33.240
<v Speaker 3>And the affirmations. I do love all that.

1:17:33.840 --> 1:17:36.720
<v Speaker 2>I'm not going to deny it. But I have to

1:17:36.760 --> 1:17:40.400
<v Speaker 2>move slow because of my children, and that is a

1:17:40.439 --> 1:17:43.000
<v Speaker 2>good thing for me. I am so used to my

1:17:43.120 --> 1:17:46.320
<v Speaker 2>routine right now. I'm such a structured person. I don't

1:17:46.360 --> 1:17:48.519
<v Speaker 2>do a lot of socializing unless it's with my same

1:17:48.560 --> 1:17:52.160
<v Speaker 2>group of people. And someone said to me, why don't

1:17:52.160 --> 1:17:55.240
<v Speaker 2>you throw like an event at your not an event,

1:17:55.280 --> 1:17:57.920
<v Speaker 2>but like I host a dinner at my house once

1:17:57.920 --> 1:18:02.479
<v Speaker 2>a month and have your friends invite another friend and

1:18:02.520 --> 1:18:05.920
<v Speaker 2>not even about for romantic reasons, but just for the fact,

1:18:06.000 --> 1:18:09.360
<v Speaker 2>because dating is a skill, or even socializing, Like my

1:18:09.560 --> 1:18:13.559
<v Speaker 2>social battery is empty all the time because I'm not

1:18:13.680 --> 1:18:16.519
<v Speaker 2>used to using it anymore. If it's not in the daytime,

1:18:16.560 --> 1:18:19.719
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, you want me up past nine? That's crazy?

1:18:19.800 --> 1:18:21.400
<v Speaker 2>Like to me, I'm like, how do you stay awake?

1:18:22.360 --> 1:18:25.759
<v Speaker 2>I have to get used to staying up a little later,

1:18:26.040 --> 1:18:30.000
<v Speaker 2>entertaining people hanging out. So I loved that idea of

1:18:30.040 --> 1:18:33.400
<v Speaker 2>like maybe once a month having a little dinner party

1:18:33.439 --> 1:18:35.840
<v Speaker 2>with my friends. If it's a group of people, I

1:18:35.880 --> 1:18:38.160
<v Speaker 2>don't mind if they are around my kids because it's

1:18:38.320 --> 1:18:43.000
<v Speaker 2>a group and just meeting people. It could be romantic

1:18:43.080 --> 1:18:45.519
<v Speaker 2>if someone brought someone that was like, okay, like this person,

1:18:45.680 --> 1:18:48.840
<v Speaker 2>or it could just be me, you know, sharpening the

1:18:48.880 --> 1:18:51.320
<v Speaker 2>tool of socializing with people again.

1:18:51.560 --> 1:18:53.800
<v Speaker 1>But see, I love that idea because I think you've

1:18:53.920 --> 1:18:55.640
<v Speaker 1>just hit on something for a lot of people. I

1:18:55.640 --> 1:18:58.640
<v Speaker 1>think so many people almost we do the extreme. So

1:18:59.000 --> 1:19:01.439
<v Speaker 1>one extreme is we love bombing, we get love bombed,

1:19:01.439 --> 1:19:03.960
<v Speaker 1>we love it, it doesn't work out. But then the

1:19:04.000 --> 1:19:06.840
<v Speaker 1>other extreme is we get so comfortable being alone, yes,

1:19:07.000 --> 1:19:10.040
<v Speaker 1>that we don't even know how to engage with others.

1:19:10.560 --> 1:19:13.120
<v Speaker 1>And I think we kind of oscillate between these two

1:19:13.200 --> 1:19:15.479
<v Speaker 1>things where we just go back and forth as opposed

1:19:15.520 --> 1:19:17.360
<v Speaker 1>to I love what you're doing, which is, hey, let's

1:19:17.360 --> 1:19:20.320
<v Speaker 1>create an opportunity for a connection, whether it's romantic or not.

1:19:21.000 --> 1:19:23.719
<v Speaker 1>And I'm practicing my skill. It's not going to feel

1:19:23.760 --> 1:19:26.160
<v Speaker 1>like this really daunting thing now when I have a

1:19:26.160 --> 1:19:28.880
<v Speaker 1>conversation with someone, and it kind of keeps it fresh

1:19:28.880 --> 1:19:30.880
<v Speaker 1>for us. And I think that's so important for people

1:19:30.920 --> 1:19:33.720
<v Speaker 1>because we get so confident and comfortable being alone.

1:19:33.520 --> 1:19:34.600
<v Speaker 3>Totally because that was me.

1:19:35.000 --> 1:19:38.920
<v Speaker 2>I have been alone for three years and I love it,

1:19:39.120 --> 1:19:42.000
<v Speaker 2>like I'm scared, yeah, and I'm like, okay, I have to.

1:19:42.120 --> 1:19:44.880
<v Speaker 2>I love this maybe too much where that worries me

1:19:44.920 --> 1:19:46.920
<v Speaker 2>because I could do this for another five years and

1:19:46.960 --> 1:19:49.840
<v Speaker 2>be so happy about it, but that's not normal, Like

1:19:49.960 --> 1:19:53.360
<v Speaker 2>I need to push myself and for people that if

1:19:53.360 --> 1:19:54.960
<v Speaker 2>you don't want to bring people to your home, you

1:19:54.960 --> 1:19:57.000
<v Speaker 2>guys could do this at a restaurant and have it

1:19:57.080 --> 1:19:59.800
<v Speaker 2>be a monthly thing or every other month thing, like

1:19:59.800 --> 1:20:03.200
<v Speaker 2>what what ever's workable for your schedule. I just loved

1:20:03.280 --> 1:20:06.400
<v Speaker 2>that lesson and I can't do it weekly like I

1:20:06.400 --> 1:20:08.679
<v Speaker 2>would love to in my brain, but that's too much

1:20:08.720 --> 1:20:09.479
<v Speaker 2>social battery.

1:20:09.560 --> 1:20:09.800
<v Speaker 1>For me.

1:20:10.240 --> 1:20:11.880
<v Speaker 2>So I'm like, I could do once a month where

1:20:11.920 --> 1:20:14.320
<v Speaker 2>I just have a little gathering at my house, and

1:20:14.439 --> 1:20:16.680
<v Speaker 2>it is a skill that I want to work on.

1:20:16.840 --> 1:20:18.760
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I love that. For you, that's such a great

1:20:19.080 --> 1:20:21.479
<v Speaker 4>it's brilliant. You might be invited to one. Oh, I'd

1:20:21.479 --> 1:20:24.320
<v Speaker 4>loved let me know when, I'd love that. I'd love that.

1:20:24.320 --> 1:20:26.479
<v Speaker 4>That'd be so much fun. No, that sounds beautiful. And

1:20:26.920 --> 1:20:29.640
<v Speaker 4>one thing I noticed about you throughout this whole conversation

1:20:29.720 --> 1:20:34.120
<v Speaker 4>that I admire so deeply is you just lean into discomfort.

1:20:34.520 --> 1:20:38.280
<v Speaker 1>Just lean into it. Oh my god, that's so hard

1:20:38.360 --> 1:20:38.760
<v Speaker 1>to do.

1:20:39.479 --> 1:20:40.639
<v Speaker 3>Wow, I didn't think of that.

1:20:40.840 --> 1:20:43.800
<v Speaker 1>You just lean into it, whether it's the discomfort of forgiveness,

1:20:43.920 --> 1:20:47.200
<v Speaker 1>the discomfort of moving on, the discomfort of accepting where

1:20:47.200 --> 1:20:50.240
<v Speaker 1>you are, the discomfort of raising a family, the discomfort

1:20:50.240 --> 1:20:52.600
<v Speaker 1>of people seeing you as being weak, the discomfort of

1:20:53.040 --> 1:20:56.280
<v Speaker 1>doing external judgment. You just lean into it. Where does

1:20:56.320 --> 1:20:58.240
<v Speaker 1>that come from? Where did you see it? Where did

1:20:58.240 --> 1:21:00.880
<v Speaker 1>you experience it? Now that seeing ady supposed to.

1:21:00.840 --> 1:21:04.080
<v Speaker 3>Be he Yeah, no, my wheels are turning right now.

1:21:04.200 --> 1:21:04.880
<v Speaker 3>I don't know.

1:21:05.400 --> 1:21:07.640
<v Speaker 2>I mean, I sound like a broken record, but so

1:21:07.800 --> 1:21:12.080
<v Speaker 2>much of it is my faith. But also be but

1:21:12.160 --> 1:21:15.000
<v Speaker 2>it is, But I was raised in such a faith

1:21:15.560 --> 1:21:20.000
<v Speaker 2>heavy household my mom and my dad. Faith is the

1:21:20.040 --> 1:21:24.080
<v Speaker 2>foundation of everything. And my dad we went to Sunday

1:21:24.120 --> 1:21:27.719
<v Speaker 2>school every Sunday, like everything was always about faith, Prayers

1:21:27.720 --> 1:21:30.760
<v Speaker 2>every night, prayers before food. And I think when you're

1:21:30.800 --> 1:21:33.080
<v Speaker 2>just raised that way, you learn to rely and lean

1:21:33.360 --> 1:21:36.839
<v Speaker 2>on your faith whenever you need to. And I'm someone

1:21:36.920 --> 1:21:39.960
<v Speaker 2>that it's so easy to rely on faith when you're

1:21:39.960 --> 1:21:43.479
<v Speaker 2>struggling and when something's bad. But I, yes, I go

1:21:43.640 --> 1:21:46.679
<v Speaker 2>to God when I'm struggling, but I go to God

1:21:46.760 --> 1:21:48.920
<v Speaker 2>so much more when I'm happy because I am so

1:21:49.040 --> 1:21:52.160
<v Speaker 2>grateful and I'm telling Him, thank you for bringing me

1:21:52.240 --> 1:21:54.080
<v Speaker 2>out of that spot. And I think so many people

1:21:54.120 --> 1:21:57.280
<v Speaker 2>forget to go to your higher power when you're in

1:21:57.479 --> 1:21:59.960
<v Speaker 2>the best of times, because that's when he wants to

1:22:00.200 --> 1:22:03.799
<v Speaker 2>acknowledge them too, not just when you need them that's easy,

1:22:03.880 --> 1:22:06.439
<v Speaker 2>like don't just call me for help, like I want

1:22:06.439 --> 1:22:08.479
<v Speaker 2>you to call me too when you're joyful and there's

1:22:08.520 --> 1:22:12.080
<v Speaker 2>so much greatness going on, and so I do the same.

1:22:12.120 --> 1:22:14.120
<v Speaker 2>And I think the more that you talk about greatness,

1:22:14.120 --> 1:22:16.120
<v Speaker 2>the more greatness then surrounds you.

1:22:16.479 --> 1:22:20.280
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I think faith is just such an underestimated part

1:22:20.320 --> 1:22:20.879
<v Speaker 1>of life.

1:22:21.200 --> 1:22:24.800
<v Speaker 2>It's sad. I was watching the Academy Awards the other

1:22:24.880 --> 1:22:29.320
<v Speaker 2>night and I barely heard anybody thank God. And at

1:22:29.320 --> 1:22:32.360
<v Speaker 2>the end Adrian Brody he was I think one of

1:22:32.400 --> 1:22:34.880
<v Speaker 2>the last speeches, and the very first thing he said

1:22:35.000 --> 1:22:36.040
<v Speaker 2>was I just want to thank God.

1:22:36.080 --> 1:22:37.920
<v Speaker 3>And I don't know that just me.

1:22:38.080 --> 1:22:40.720
<v Speaker 2>I was like, it was sad to me that not

1:22:40.840 --> 1:22:43.479
<v Speaker 2>that many people lead with faith anymore, and not that

1:22:43.520 --> 1:22:45.439
<v Speaker 2>you have to, but it was a big thing that

1:22:45.479 --> 1:22:45.840
<v Speaker 2>I noticed.

1:22:46.040 --> 1:22:48.400
<v Speaker 1>You get scared. Now there's like this worry, and I

1:22:48.439 --> 1:22:50.719
<v Speaker 1>feel like things are coming back around again. It almost

1:22:50.720 --> 1:22:53.920
<v Speaker 1>feels like there was a time when you almost couldn't

1:22:54.160 --> 1:22:56.439
<v Speaker 1>talk about it because you would be judged for they'd

1:22:56.479 --> 1:23:00.519
<v Speaker 1>be connotations or right, you know, things like that around it.

1:23:00.560 --> 1:23:02.559
<v Speaker 1>And I definitely felt that as well, where it's just

1:23:02.600 --> 1:23:06.360
<v Speaker 1>like okay, and I think now that's coming back around

1:23:06.400 --> 1:23:08.600
<v Speaker 1>where I think a lot of younger people in the

1:23:08.600 --> 1:23:12.479
<v Speaker 1>world today are turning towards spirituality and faith and for

1:23:12.520 --> 1:23:17.000
<v Speaker 1>that which you're seeing in trends and conversations where I

1:23:17.000 --> 1:23:18.880
<v Speaker 1>think people are having to look for higher purpose and

1:23:18.960 --> 1:23:22.679
<v Speaker 1>higher meaning now because it's really hard to find meaning

1:23:22.720 --> 1:23:25.599
<v Speaker 1>and purpose around us and I think what you talk

1:23:25.640 --> 1:23:28.439
<v Speaker 1>about it so beautifully is that it's a conversation. It's real,

1:23:28.560 --> 1:23:31.240
<v Speaker 1>it's natural, it's good and bad. It's not like this

1:23:31.400 --> 1:23:38.200
<v Speaker 1>ritualistic process. There's a genuine relationship that exists there, which

1:23:38.200 --> 1:23:41.160
<v Speaker 1>is what we're all looking for as well. Yeah. Yeah, Chloe,

1:23:41.160 --> 1:23:43.360
<v Speaker 1>it's been such a joy talking to you today. Honestly,

1:23:43.439 --> 1:23:45.439
<v Speaker 1>I love every moment I get to spend with you,

1:23:45.960 --> 1:23:50.200
<v Speaker 1>and you've just reminded us of how we can be

1:23:50.280 --> 1:23:54.040
<v Speaker 1>strong in tough times, how you can look back on

1:23:54.080 --> 1:23:57.559
<v Speaker 1>your life and move forward, how you can reflect and

1:23:57.600 --> 1:24:01.519
<v Speaker 1>still feel so much growth, and that we shouldn't be

1:24:01.520 --> 1:24:04.519
<v Speaker 1>scared to do the work, and that we can be scared,

1:24:04.800 --> 1:24:06.320
<v Speaker 1>but then we still have to follow through.

1:24:06.520 --> 1:24:07.080
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

1:24:07.120 --> 1:24:09.720
<v Speaker 1>And I'm so thankful that my community and I get

1:24:09.720 --> 1:24:12.920
<v Speaker 1>to learn from you and sit with you and really

1:24:13.800 --> 1:24:16.559
<v Speaker 1>dive into so much stuff that people have seen play

1:24:16.560 --> 1:24:19.840
<v Speaker 1>out for them publicly, but to really understand how you've

1:24:19.840 --> 1:24:22.719
<v Speaker 1>been processing it behind the scenes is really a gift.

1:24:22.840 --> 1:24:23.960
<v Speaker 1>So thank you so much.

1:24:24.040 --> 1:24:25.040
<v Speaker 3>Well, thank you, Ja.

1:24:25.800 --> 1:24:28.200
<v Speaker 2>It's so easy to talk to you, and I love

1:24:28.240 --> 1:24:30.639
<v Speaker 2>and adore you and being in this safe space, So

1:24:31.080 --> 1:24:33.679
<v Speaker 2>thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and feel

1:24:33.680 --> 1:24:34.400
<v Speaker 2>so safe with you.

1:24:35.080 --> 1:24:36.880
<v Speaker 3>Thank you, thank you.

1:24:37.280 --> 1:24:40.120
<v Speaker 1>If you love this episode, you will also love my

1:24:40.240 --> 1:24:44.640
<v Speaker 1>interview with Kendall Jenna on setting boundaries to increase happiness

1:24:44.960 --> 1:24:45.599
<v Speaker 1>and healing.

1:24:45.800 --> 1:24:48.080
<v Speaker 4>You're in a child You could be reading something that

1:24:48.080 --> 1:24:49.720
<v Speaker 4>someone is saying about you and being like.

1:24:49.720 --> 1:24:51.880
<v Speaker 2>That is so unfair because that's not who I am

1:24:52.120 --> 1:24:54.080
<v Speaker 2>and that really gets to me sometimes.

1:24:54.120 --> 1:24:55.880
<v Speaker 3>But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like,

1:24:55.960 --> 1:24:58.400
<v Speaker 3>but I know who I am. Why does anything else matter?