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Speaker 1: Okay for the high and mighty to our people. We

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Speaker 1: are rocket and rolling. These are the shows we have

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Speaker 1: coming up. Chicago April tenth. I start Chicago, then I

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Speaker 1: have Indianapolis on the eleventh, and then Louisville, Kentucky on

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Speaker 1: April twelfth. April sixteenth is Albuquerque. April seventeenth is Mesa, Arizona.

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Speaker 1: April twenty third is Kansas City, Missouri. April twenty fourth

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Speaker 1: is Saint Louis, Missouri. April twenty fifth is Minneapolis. April

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Speaker 1: thirtieth Nashville. May first, Charlotte, North Carolina. May second is Durham,

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Speaker 1: North Carolina. May sixth in Los Angeles at the Slabon

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Speaker 1: Theater for Netflix as a joke. April fifteenth, I will

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Speaker 1: be in Saratoga. April sixteenth, Monterey, April seventeenth, Modesto. I

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Speaker 1: will be in port Chester on June fourth. June fifth,

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Speaker 1: I will be in Boston, Massachusetts. June twelfth, I will

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Speaker 1: be in Portland, Oregon. And June thirteenth, I will be

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Speaker 1: in Seattle, Washington. June twenty seventh is going to be Hyennas, Massachusetts.

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Speaker 1: August sixth is red Bank, New Jersey. August seven I'm

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Speaker 1: coming home to Montclair, New Jersey, August fifteenth. Is Calgary, Alberta, Canada,

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Speaker 1: September eighteenth, Santa Barbara September nineteenth, San Diego September twenty fifth.

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Speaker 1: I will be at the Beacon in New York City

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Speaker 1: September twenty sixth. I will be in Philadelphia September twenty seventh,

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Speaker 1: New Haven, Connecticut. October second, Atlanta, Georgia, October third, Baltimore, Maryland,

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Speaker 1: October fourth, Saginaw, Michigan, October ninth, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, October tenth, Toronto, Canada,

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Speaker 1: October sixteenth. I'm coming to Boise, Idaho, October seventeenth, Spokane, Washington,

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Speaker 1: November seventh. I will be in San Francisco and November thirteenth,

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Speaker 1: Salt Lake City November twentieth, Austin November twenty first, Houston, Texas,

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Speaker 1: November twenty second, Irving, Texas. December fifth. I am adding

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Speaker 1: a second show in Denver for those of you who

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Speaker 1: are going to get tickets to the first one. And

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Speaker 1: on December sixth, I will be coming to Vancouver, Canada. Okay,

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Speaker 1: those are all my dates for the Hyde Mighty Door.

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Speaker 1: Go to Chelsea Handler dot com for tickets.

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Speaker 2: Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you.

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Speaker 3: I'm coming to you from my brand new house.

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Speaker 2: You know what your assistance said that you are loving it?

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Speaker 2: And I was like, she's loving it?

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Speaker 3: Who said that? Who said that? Karen? I am.

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Speaker 1: I am so happy about it's actually very quite. It's

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Speaker 1: quite peaceful. Considering all of the Hella blue, I guess

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Speaker 1: maybe I just needed to get out my last vomit.

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Speaker 3: Bath about it. But it's really beautiful. I mean it's.

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Speaker 1: Very It is gorgeous, serene and beautiful. And I spent

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Speaker 1: the last two days because I've been on tour, as

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Speaker 1: you know, I spent the last two days sleeping. I

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Speaker 1: slept thirteen hours, two nights in a row, with the

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Speaker 1: help of a little xanax and edible s.

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Speaker 2: I texted you at what six forty yesterday and I

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Speaker 2: was like, she's I know, she's gone.

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Speaker 3: She's not funny yet.

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Speaker 1: I was like, I was like, wait, I was done

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Speaker 1: with my day yesterday at two thirty and I was like,

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Speaker 1: how long did do I have to wait before I

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Speaker 1: take my xanax. I watched the new season of I

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Speaker 1: watched the new season of Euphoria.

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Speaker 3: I watched three episodes of that amazing and I was like.

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Speaker 1: It's fucking awesome good and uh yeah, I'm just I

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Speaker 1: was just having a great time. I'm having a great

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Speaker 1: time recuperating. I love Bet, I love Bet May and

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Speaker 1: conta me comma. I just can't get enough. Like also

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Speaker 1: the feeling when you wake up, like I wake up

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Speaker 1: to peete around midnight and I'm like I look at

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Speaker 1: the clock and I'm like, oh god, this is amazing.

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Speaker 3: I have like six more hours to go. That is

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Speaker 3: the best feeling.

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Speaker 2: When you're like it's not almost done, like I have

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Speaker 2: so much more time.

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Speaker 3: No, And i have shows this weekend.

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Speaker 1: Their tickets still available for the Indianapolis show on Saturday,

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Speaker 1: I'm at the Marat Theater, and then on Sunday, I'm

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Speaker 1: in Louisville, Kentucky at the Palace Theater and there are

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Speaker 1: tickets still available for that too. So Friday in Chicago

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Speaker 1: at the Chicago Theater that's sold out, thankfully.

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Speaker 2: And I've got people coming to see you in Chicago.

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Speaker 2: You know, my sister is going to be there, my

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Speaker 2: her girlfriends. Yeah, your Chelsea fan.

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Speaker 3: So oh.

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Speaker 1: And I'm also doing an owlsbrew event people on Thursday

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Speaker 1: afternoon in Chicago. So look that up for Owls brew

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Speaker 1: from my vodka lemonade. I'm gonna be in person, in store, in.

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Speaker 4: Person, Chelsea. Were you playing this weekend? Is it the

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Speaker 4: Chicago Theater?

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Speaker 3: Chicago Theater? Yeah?

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Speaker 5: Nice?

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Speaker 4: Do you know that The first time I asked Katherine

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Speaker 4: now was after a show there. I was playing and

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Speaker 4: there was an after party and I asked her out

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Speaker 4: for the first time there. So it's a really special

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Speaker 4: place too, it that's true.

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Speaker 2: It was the IO twenty fifth anniversary that like will

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Speaker 2: go down in infamy. Like every famous person who went

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Speaker 2: through IO or Improv Olympic like came back to the

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Speaker 2: city and like none of the audio worked at this

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Speaker 2: five thousand seat theater. So people just like left and

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Speaker 2: Brad was playing the show. I was seeing the show

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Speaker 2: and then went to the.

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Speaker 3: Oh that's funny. That's funny man.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Well, I'll be celebrating your love. Well, I'm there you guys,

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Speaker 3: Thank you, Chelsea. Think of us.

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Speaker 1: Oh and also for those of you in Chicago, I'll

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Speaker 1: be at It's called the jew Osco is the liquor

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Speaker 1: store that I will be at for the event from

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Speaker 1: one thirty to three pm on April ten.

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Speaker 3: They call it the Jewels. That's pretty fun.

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Speaker 2: It's like the Albertsons of Illinois.

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Speaker 3: Okay, great, Oh, I'm glad. I'm I'm glad.

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Speaker 1: I'm getting to hit that spot.

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Speaker 3: I love Joy.

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Speaker 5: Well.

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Speaker 2: I am thrilled for our guest today. He is I

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Speaker 2: think he's one of our great actors of our time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, he's actually really yeah, he's He's definitely one of

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Speaker 1: the great actors of our time. And our interview with

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Speaker 1: him was really I really loved speaking with him, and

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Speaker 1: he gave great advice. So I always love when a

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Speaker 1: straight man could do that.

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Speaker 2: He gave really great and thoughtful advice, like really great.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's very nice when people are thoughtful.

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Speaker 1: Our guest today is an actor and an executive producer

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Speaker 1: of the new film Newborn.

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Speaker 3: Please welcome David. Oh Yellow Oh hi David. Hello, so

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Speaker 3: nice to see you.

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Speaker 5: Nice to see you too. Again. I don't know remember

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Speaker 5: when at the Critics' Choice. I think that's the last

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Speaker 5: time I saw you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, backstage that was right, Yeah, yeah, that was

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Speaker 1: like two years ago, right.

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Speaker 5: That's right.

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Speaker 3: That's yeah, David. Happy birthday.

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Speaker 5: First of all, thank you, thank you. It was yesterday.

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Speaker 5: I had an amazing time.

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Speaker 3: What did you do to celebrate?

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Speaker 5: So I've been shooting a show in the Canary Islands

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Speaker 5: and I've been there since January. I love my home,

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Speaker 5: I love my kids, I love my wife, and I've

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Speaker 5: missed them all terribly. My wife and I actually have

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Speaker 5: a two week rule. We're never apart more than two weeks.

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Speaker 5: So she's been doing and throwing from the Canary Islands.

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Speaker 5: But I haven't seen my kids for a while, so

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Speaker 5: just being here to celebrate with them. And then we

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Speaker 5: had this extraordinary circumstance where by my eldest son got

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Speaker 5: engaged three days ago. Wow, this happened while I was

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Speaker 5: on the plane from Tenor Reef to La. My wife

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Speaker 5: sent me a text saying she said, yes, she sends

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Speaker 5: me the video. I couldn't download it on the plane.

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Speaker 5: It was infuriating, I know, I know, I know. So

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Speaker 5: the glow of all of that was in the party yesterday.

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Speaker 5: It was it was a phenomenal time.

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Speaker 1: Oh, that's so exciting. Congratulations on all fronts.

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Speaker 5: I know, it's really great.

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Speaker 1: I'm very happy and having a family that likes to

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Speaker 1: spend time with their parents also, congrats on.

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Speaker 5: That, I know. Yeah, it's it's actually something happened with

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Speaker 5: our family. We were always close, but during the pandemic,

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Speaker 5: even though that was such a devastating time for so

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Speaker 5: many people, for us, we just kind of coalesced as

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Speaker 5: a family. We just you know, everyone's going to school

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Speaker 5: and I'm going off doing jobs, and my wife and

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Speaker 5: I run a company, and we had this year and

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Speaker 5: a half two years where we just kind of went together,

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Speaker 5: you know, in this in this really amazing way that

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Speaker 5: hasn't abated. And so yeah, we really love each other's company.

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Speaker 3: That's so sweet.

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Speaker 1: And you and your wife have been together since you

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Speaker 1: were teenagers.

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Speaker 5: Correct, We met when we were seventeen and eighteen doing

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Speaker 5: youth theater and we've been we've known each other. We

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Speaker 5: worked out for nearly thirty two years now, we've been

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Speaker 5: married for twenty.

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Speaker 1: Seven twenty seven years, thirty two years together, four children.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, nice, this is all nice.

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Speaker 5: Yes, Yes, yeah, I'm very blessed.

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Speaker 1: And she's also a member of MENSA, which I think

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Speaker 1: is worth mentioning.

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Speaker 5: Can we just take a moment to my wife some

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Speaker 5: props my wife, some props on that. Yeah. So she

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Speaker 5: very late diagnosis for ADHD and went in for the

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Speaker 5: testing for it, and the person doing the testing was like,

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Speaker 5: by the way, this testing we're doing on you signifies

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Speaker 5: very high IQ, have you ever tested that siungement? No,

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Speaker 5: and so incredibly a byproduct of what could be perceived

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Speaker 5: as some kind of deficiency in terms of ADHD, is

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Speaker 5: what illustrated that she has this off the charts IQ.

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Speaker 3: I love that.

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Speaker 1: First of all, we were just talking, Me and my

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Speaker 1: friend were talking two nights ago about getting tested because

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Speaker 1: we couldn't.

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Speaker 3: Decide which disorder we had add or ADHD.

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Speaker 1: I believe I just am add I don't have the

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Speaker 1: hyperactive part, but.

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Speaker 3: He was saying that I do.

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Speaker 1: Anyway, this is a great incentive for everybody listening, since

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Speaker 1: we all have some form of this, because you could

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Speaker 1: find out that you're a member of.

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Speaker 5: MENSA exactly exactly, such great bragging rights.

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Speaker 3: By the way, be a real feather in my cap.

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Speaker 1: Quite frankly, so, speaking of your wife, she's also a

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Speaker 1: producer on this movie.

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Speaker 5: No, so we run a production company together, and so

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Speaker 5: our production company produced this. She's not a producer on it,

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Speaker 5: but she is a producer and we've produced stuff together.

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Speaker 5: In fact, this is how much love is in the air. Chelsea.

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Speaker 5: So upstairs, this is my office building. We are preparing

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Speaker 5: for my assistant who fell in love with our art

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Speaker 5: director on a show that my wife and I produced

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Speaker 5: called Bass Reeves, and I'm officiating their wedding on Saturday.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, you around town like it's nobody's business.

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Speaker 5: Watch out. I know. I know there's not enough of

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Speaker 5: it in the world. So I feel like when you

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Speaker 5: when you find it, you got to talk about it.

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Speaker 3: That's true.

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Speaker 1: We got to double down on all sorts of love

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Speaker 1: and all kindness, especially to strangers. Everybody listening, be kind

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Speaker 1: to strangers. People need love.

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Speaker 5: Right now, I couldn't agree more.

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Speaker 1: Let's talk about your movie, which is called Newborn. It's

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Speaker 1: out now in AMC theaters. So this is a story

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Speaker 1: about a man who was in the solitary confinement for

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Speaker 1: seven years.

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Speaker 3: And I know you're a method You're a method guy.

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Speaker 3: Is that accurate?

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Speaker 5: Well, it's I would say, I whatever the the part requires,

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Speaker 5: I feel like I'm in service of So you know,

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Speaker 5: I definitely would not apply what I guess people call

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Speaker 5: the method to, you know, a comedy or something that

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Speaker 5: doesn't require that level of as I say, giving yourself

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Speaker 5: over to something sometimes you're playing something that's closer to yourself,

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Speaker 5: sometimes very far from yourself, And so yes to your point.

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Speaker 5: In playing Chris Newborn, a guy who had endured seven

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Speaker 5: years of solitary confinement, which is something I simply cannot

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Speaker 5: personally get my head around, given my own very blessed

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Speaker 5: circumstances and experience. I read a lot about it. But

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Speaker 5: you know, I read a book called Solitary by a

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Speaker 5: guy called Albert wood Fox, who had endured believe it

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Speaker 5: or not, over forty years of solitary confinement for something

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Speaker 5: he didn't a crime he didn't commit. But I also

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Speaker 5: shadowed a guy called Richard Rosario who was wrongfully convicted

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Speaker 5: of a crime. He saved twenty of the twenty five

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Speaker 5: five years he was convicted for, seven of those were

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Speaker 5: in solitary, and in talking to him, I started to

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Speaker 5: get a sense of what the role requires, and so yes,

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Speaker 5: to a certain extent, I had to sort of give

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Speaker 5: myself over to that in order to come close to

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Speaker 5: telling the truth of that awful situation.

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Speaker 3: So what did you learn from these guys?

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Speaker 1: I mean, fill us in, like, how does someone move

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Speaker 1: on from I mean, as you can see in the

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Speaker 1: movie which is really beautiful. And Denzel Washington's daughters in

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Speaker 1: the movie, who is absolutely fantastic. She's gorgeous, a gorgeous actor.

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Speaker 1: And you guys are great together. And as you depict

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Speaker 1: in the movie, you could see what did you pick

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Speaker 1: up from.

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Speaker 3: Them in like researching this role.

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Speaker 1: That really helped inform you that you were maybe surprised

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Speaker 1: to learn.

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Speaker 5: So many things. I mean that there are so many

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Speaker 5: things that we don't know that we should know. One

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Speaker 5: of them being that there are eighty thousand people in

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Speaker 5: solitary confinement today in America, men, women, and children, so

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Speaker 5: it is widespread as a practice. You know, in talking

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Speaker 5: to Richard and in studying up on this, after thirteen days,

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Speaker 5: studies have shown you're never the same again. There is

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Speaker 5: a psychic break that happens that you will just never

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Speaker 5: fully recover from. Because it's twenty three hours a day

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Speaker 5: every day, fluorescent lights are on all the time. Almost

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Speaker 5: everyone in those wings are dealing with mental illness, so

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Speaker 5: there's screaming and you know, it's just sensory overload with

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Speaker 5: complete isolation. So let alone seven years of that and

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Speaker 5: what I learned from Richard specifically outside of generally what

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Speaker 5: happens to people is that our connection to humanity is

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Speaker 5: literally what defines us as human. So it is the

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Speaker 5: ultimate for of dehumanization to not have connection with other

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Speaker 5: human beings. And the only thing that kept him remotely

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Speaker 5: saying was knowing his wife and two kids were out there.

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Speaker 5: They loved him, and that was the only thing that

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Speaker 5: gave him any kind of modicum of hope. If you

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Speaker 5: don't have something to tether yourself to, it is being

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Speaker 5: alive but dead, so to speak. And you know, he

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Speaker 5: has now been free for ten years. He's still dealing with,

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Speaker 5: of course the effects of it, but he attributes his

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Speaker 5: ability to still function as a human being to the

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Speaker 5: love that he knew was out there for him from

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Speaker 5: his family.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, was it hard for you to get out of

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Speaker 1: that character after filming such a demanding, kind of mentally

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Speaker 1: anguish filled movie.

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Speaker 5: It was very intense for me because on the first

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Speaker 5: day of shooting, unfortunately, my dad, who had been dealing

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Speaker 5: with stage four oln cancer, passed away on the morning

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Speaker 5: of our first day of shooting, And so weirdly, even

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Speaker 5: though that was definitely not what you would want, it

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Speaker 5: instantaneously put me in this place of intense retrospection, intense

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Speaker 5: focus just to get through it, combined with you know,

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Speaker 5: the great scripts that Nate Parker had written and was directing.

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Speaker 5: But honestly, it was about trying to be in service

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Speaker 5: of Richard and others who I had spoken to who

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Speaker 5: had dealt with this. I felt a real burden of responsibility,

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Speaker 5: and so you know, we just did everything we could

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Speaker 5: to tell the truth. I mean, the good thing is

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Speaker 5: I'm a father, i am a husband, I have brothers,

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Speaker 5: and Chris Newborn has a brother in this film, which

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Speaker 5: is also a key relationship for him, so I could

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Speaker 5: identify with all of those things. Obviously, the gap in

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Speaker 5: my knowledge was the extreme nature of dealing with solitary confinement.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it is a It makes you really

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Speaker 1: think about why that's necessary in a prison system, Like

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Speaker 1: putting someone in a room alone without fluorescent lighting is

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Speaker 1: about it, Like why add all of these things that

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Speaker 1: turn a person crazier than they are. It makes it's

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Speaker 1: just everything is so backwards. Speaking of your father, I'm

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Speaker 1: really sorry to hear that. I know that I read

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Speaker 1: that your father passed away on the first day of shooting.

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Speaker 1: Your father had some I know a lot of people

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Speaker 1: have trouble pronouncing your last name or yellow O Yeah,

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Speaker 1: yellow got it.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, well you've literally disproved I got it.

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Speaker 3: That means anybody to get it, Yes, exactly.

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Speaker 5: Moving on your.

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Speaker 1: Dad, But your dad had problem pronouncing Oprah's name.

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Speaker 3: He couldn't get that right.

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Speaker 5: Literally, it's so hypocritical. He would get so upset about

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Speaker 5: the mispronouncing of our name, and then he would always

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Speaker 5: call it opera opera winned freyer Pa. But then he

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Speaker 5: met her and like, to her face opera, Oh my lord.

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Speaker 1: Well you can just contribute that to a Nigerian accent,

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Speaker 1: can't you.

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Speaker 5: I guess so. But you know, like literally one of

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Speaker 5: the most famous people on the planet. Let's be clear

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Speaker 5: that he had heard it enough to know that it

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Speaker 5: is not opera, so it slightly discounts his annoyance at

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Speaker 5: our name being mispronounced.

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Speaker 1: I know that Yourprah is like a very close friend

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Speaker 1: to you, and you kind of used her as a

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Speaker 1: gut check at different times in your career. Can you

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Speaker 1: talk about that.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, we have a very special relationship. I met her

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Speaker 5: doing a film called The Butler, which Lee Daniels directed,

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Speaker 5: and we played mother and son in that film, and

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Speaker 5: that dynamic just never quite changed. Something truly beautiful happened

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Speaker 5: even before we started shooting. We were at a party

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Speaker 5: at Lee Daniel's house that he had re shot it

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Speaker 5: in New Orleans and that he had rented a house,

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Speaker 5: and we were having this party and I was sort

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Speaker 5: of stood in the corner. I was a younger actor then,

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Speaker 5: still fairly new to Hollywood. My wife and I had

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Speaker 5: moved here from the UK, and in all honesty, I

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Speaker 5: felt quite a bit of isolation. There were other to

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Speaker 5: be perfectly frank, there were other black actors who I

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Speaker 5: felt there was resistance to me. There was this sort

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Speaker 5: of I don't know, this brick coming over here taking

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Speaker 5: our jobs kind of vibe that I was getting. And

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Speaker 5: I had gone into this role that was a significant one,

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Speaker 5: and in all honesty, I was kind of trepidacious about

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Speaker 5: is this going to continue to exacerbate this feeling of

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Speaker 5: isolation I have from our community that I really want

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Speaker 5: to be a part of and all that kind of stuff.

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Speaker 5: So slightly stood in the corner, and Oprah noticed this

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Speaker 5: came over to me and said a okay. I said, yeah,

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Speaker 5: you know, I'm just just dealing with a little bit

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Speaker 5: of anxiety about these things, and of course she famously

360
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Speaker 5: has the ability to get the truth of your soul

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Speaker 5: out of you instantaneously. And so I started talking to

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Speaker 5: her about this, and then she was just so open

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Speaker 5: and honest about having had the same syndrome a coming

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Speaker 5: up as a black journalist in the South and at

365
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Speaker 5: that time feeling the same thing from other black women,

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Speaker 5: to be perfectly frank, and that feeling of isolation both

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Speaker 5: from her own community but also from an industry that

368
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,040
Speaker 5: told her she was too fat, she was too ugly,

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Speaker 5: she was too black to you know, be anything in

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Speaker 5: that world. And then she happened to meet to Departier

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Speaker 5: who expressed also having the same thing, having come over

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Speaker 5: from the Caribbean and was starting to forge your head

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Speaker 5: back in the day, forged a path in Hollywood and

374
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Speaker 5: feeling the same sense of isolation. You know, people are

375
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Speaker 5: threatened by success, especially when you're from a marginalized community,

376
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Speaker 5: and you feel like the pie that you want a

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00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,720
Speaker 5: slice of is very small, and so there's this sort

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Speaker 5: of crabs and a barrel thing that can happen. And

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Speaker 5: he had said to her, a Sydney Potier, this is

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Speaker 5: I know exactly what you're dealing with and I'm going

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Speaker 5: to walk you through it. And he became her mental

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Speaker 5: And this was like the first major interaction I had

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Speaker 5: had with Oprah, and she said what he did for me,

384
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Speaker 5: I'm going to do for you, And that was I

385
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Speaker 5: don't know, fifteen years ago now, and that has just

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Speaker 5: never abated.

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Speaker 1: Wow, that's amazing. That's a really beautiful story. Thank you

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Speaker 1: for sharing that.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, thank you.

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Speaker 1: Have there been times in your career where you've gone

391
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Speaker 1: to her at other times for advice when you're thinking

392
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Speaker 1: about choosing projects or just navigating Hollywood after.

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Speaker 5: That, all the time, all the time, because one of

394
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Speaker 5: the things she said to me is basically she didn't

395
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Speaker 5: say it like this, but she basically was saying, you're

396
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Speaker 5: only allowed to make new mistakes, not old ones. I'll

397
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:21,399
Speaker 5: tell you the old ones. I'll guide you through the

398
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:24,239
Speaker 5: potholes that I stepped in so that you don't have

399
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Speaker 5: to basically, which is as extraordinary as an offering as

400
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Speaker 5: you can make to someone, as I think is possible.

401
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Speaker 5: And so, yeah, whether it's financial literacy, which I had,

402
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,960
Speaker 5: I was very low in because my parents spent every

403
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Speaker 5: day sort of scrabbling to put the pennies together, and

404
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Speaker 5: you know, they were amazing parents, but really bad business people.

405
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Speaker 5: You know, just constantly on the precipice of bankruptcy and

406
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Speaker 5: bailiffs at the door, and you know, just just never

407
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Speaker 5: could find enough financial oxygen to not be stressed by finances.

408
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Speaker 5: And so, you know, I just that was the only

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Speaker 5: example I had, so I associated being a father, being

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Speaker 5: a husband, being a working man with that. And you know,

411
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Speaker 5: one of the things she taught me is do everything

412
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Speaker 5: you can to get out of debt as quickly as

413
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Speaker 5: you can. Focus on that fastidiously, because the difference between

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Speaker 5: wealthy people and people who are not is that they

415
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Speaker 5: have somehow managed to get to the point whereby they

416
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Speaker 5: can look down on their issues and have the space

417
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Speaker 5: to strategize. When you are down on the ground, scrabbling

418
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Speaker 5: to make ends meet, that's when you just inevitably make

419
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Speaker 5: financial mistakes. You're caught in the rat race, you're caught

420
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Speaker 5: in all of the things that keep you in financial debt.

421
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Speaker 5: To do everything and obviously it's not an easy thing

422
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Speaker 5: to do. But if she said she was just very

423
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Speaker 5: conscious early on, how do I get out of debt?

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Speaker 5: And I took correct her word and practice, and by golly,

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Speaker 5: she was right.

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Speaker 3: You guys moved over from the UK. How do you

427
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Speaker 3: Why why did you move over from the UK?

428
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Speaker 5: A myriad of reasons, the primary one being when I

429
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:16,320
Speaker 5: was coming up. You know, I mentioned Sidney Poartier obviously earlier.

430
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Speaker 5: You know, that was my hero. Denzel Washington was my hero,

431
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Speaker 5: but we literally had no equivalents of those in the UK.

432
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Speaker 5: With me growing up, there were no black actors I

433
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Speaker 5: could look at and go, that's my north star.

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Speaker 6: You know.

435
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Speaker 5: I truly believe you cannot be what you cannot see,

436
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 5: and I didn't see anything I could aspire to. And

437
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Speaker 5: it's also why my parents were very resistant to the

438
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Speaker 5: idea of me being in the arts, being an actor,

439
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:45,000
Speaker 5: because I think for them it's like, you know, there's

440
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:49,280
Speaker 5: no evidence to us that the hard work we're putting

441
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,720
Speaker 5: in as immigrants here in the UK is good, that's

442
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,439
Speaker 5: going to be a better life for you. And so

443
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,639
Speaker 5: even though I defied my parents and I went to

444
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,520
Speaker 5: drama school and I did all the things, that continued

445
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:05,400
Speaker 5: to be the case. And so I got a few

446
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,919
Speaker 5: roles that got me a bit of notoriety. I did

447
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,680
Speaker 5: the Last King of Scotland with Forrest Whitaker. I did

448
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:13,840
Speaker 5: a film of As You Like Here with Kenneth Branner.

449
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,120
Speaker 5: I had done a show called it was called Spooks

450
00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:18,400
Speaker 5: in the UK, it's called Mi I five Here. There

451
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,199
Speaker 5: were things that sort of popped a little bit in

452
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:23,040
Speaker 5: the States, so just gave me just enough juice to

453
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,840
Speaker 5: turn up here and people had seen things I had done.

454
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:31,000
Speaker 5: And then I just, even though it hadn't happened yet,

455
00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:35,560
Speaker 5: I knew my career was going to plateau. I came

456
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:40,000
Speaker 5: up with actors like Tom Hardy and Benededict Cumberbatch and

457
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,840
Speaker 5: James McAvoy, and those were my peers. We were all

458
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:46,480
Speaker 5: doing theater in the UK. We were all working together,

459
00:24:47,119 --> 00:24:50,239
Speaker 5: but we love period dramas in the UK, and that

460
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,240
Speaker 5: tends to be the thing that will launch an actor

461
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:57,080
Speaker 5: into the American consciousness. So, whether it be Atonement for

462
00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:01,800
Speaker 5: James McAvoy, or it's Pride and Prejudice a Matthew mcfadian

463
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:06,720
Speaker 5: or Imitation Game for Bennett come about, I just knew

464
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:11,480
Speaker 5: that wouldn't happen for me unless I planted myself somewhere else.

465
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,560
Speaker 5: And so we started the process of moving, and we

466
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:17,280
Speaker 5: did move in two thousand and seven, so we've lived

467
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:21,399
Speaker 5: here for nineteen years now, and it proved to be true.

468
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:26,360
Speaker 5: Within about two months of landing in la this script

469
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,000
Speaker 5: called Selma landed on my doormat. The film didn't get

470
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,800
Speaker 5: made for another seven years after that, but at least

471
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,120
Speaker 5: it validated the fact that, oh, this is the kind

472
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,280
Speaker 5: of thing that I just knew wouldn't happen in the

473
00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:40,520
Speaker 5: UK and was possible here.

474
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:41,919
Speaker 3: Yeah.

475
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:46,320
Speaker 1: So the transition from the UK to America, things started

476
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:47,800
Speaker 1: to open up for you career wise, and that was

477
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,400
Speaker 1: your main motivation for moving over here. How was it

478
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:53,360
Speaker 1: like culturally for you to come over here from the UK?

479
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:57,880
Speaker 5: Oh, my goodness. The tricky thing and the thing that

480
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,639
Speaker 5: no one really warns you about moving from England and

481
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 5: English speaking country obviously to America another English speaking country,

482
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:10,960
Speaker 5: is the sheer amount of cultural differences. Like my wife

483
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,080
Speaker 5: and I never had credit cards in the UK. We

484
00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:17,400
Speaker 5: couldn't do anything without a credit card. When we moved here,

485
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:21,280
Speaker 5: it was just like, what's your credit score, what's your

486
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,960
Speaker 5: credit credit? Credit? Credit? Credit? You know, we never said

487
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,359
Speaker 5: that word as often as we did when we first

488
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,760
Speaker 5: moved here, you know, seven and so that was something

489
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:33,160
Speaker 5: that we were like, we're barely human beings without credit,

490
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:36,680
Speaker 5: you know, and things like that, and to bank accounts

491
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:39,119
Speaker 5: and all that kind of stuff. The schooling system was

492
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:42,120
Speaker 5: so different from our kids. You know, our kids were

493
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,560
Speaker 5: five and two when we moved, and you know, my

494
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,719
Speaker 5: wife actually chose to homeschool our kids and ended up

495
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:52,120
Speaker 5: doing it for five years because our kids just couldn't

496
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 5: adjust to the American schooling system. And you know, there

497
00:26:57,080 --> 00:26:59,360
Speaker 5: was so and the thing about it is the cultural

498
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:05,679
Speaker 5: differences are so slight and small but huge because they

499
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,760
Speaker 5: are literally the thing that derail you from your child

500
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,720
Speaker 5: going to school, you being able to open a bank account,

501
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,679
Speaker 5: you being able to drive. You know. So that was

502
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:18,720
Speaker 5: that took us up a minute to adjust to. But

503
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:22,840
Speaker 5: there are extraordinary things about moving to this country. You know.

504
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:28,040
Speaker 5: Literally in the UK, the attitude is can don't as

505
00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:32,719
Speaker 5: opposed to can do. And so that was life giving.

506
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:37,080
Speaker 5: You know. I love warm weather, and I had lived

507
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,640
Speaker 5: pretty much all of my life, most of my life

508
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,600
Speaker 5: in the UK and never made peace with it. And

509
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,440
Speaker 5: suddenly here we were living in LA and every day

510
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,880
Speaker 5: it felt like summer, which basically was at that time.

511
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,800
Speaker 5: The weather's actually changed in LA by the way, these

512
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,760
Speaker 5: rains we have that are so intense, and then the heat,

513
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,879
Speaker 5: which is like unbearable. You know, it was a bit more,

514
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:03,440
Speaker 5: you know, even before. But that's a whole other thing.

515
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:07,840
Speaker 5: But the really tricky thing was we moved, you know, seven,

516
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:11,760
Speaker 5: and then we had the economic crash of eight and

517
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,879
Speaker 5: the writer strike of eight and oh my gosh, I

518
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,720
Speaker 5: think if we had made the move after O wait, well,

519
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 5: I don't think we would have made the move, right.

520
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:24,320
Speaker 5: It was so tough. My wife, we had two kids

521
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,960
Speaker 5: and she was pregnant with our third and I didn't

522
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:31,119
Speaker 5: work for fourteen months and that was rough.

523
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:35,200
Speaker 3: Wow. Yeah, yeah, how did you guys get by?

524
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:35,679
Speaker 6: Like?

525
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:36,800
Speaker 3: How does that work?

526
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:41,080
Speaker 5: Good question? It didn't. It was like, you know, we

527
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:45,000
Speaker 5: were in this headspace, so did we make the right choice?

528
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,520
Speaker 5: Like what? It's just? But the good thing I guess

529
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:51,120
Speaker 5: is that it was everyone. Everyone was in the middle

530
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:54,880
Speaker 5: of this crash. Everyone in the industry was dealing with

531
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:58,880
Speaker 5: that circumstance. It was affecting not just America but the

532
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:02,880
Speaker 5: UK as well because of how interlinked those industries are.

533
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:07,560
Speaker 5: And yeah, you know, we basically ran out of money.

534
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:11,480
Speaker 5: I remember being stood next to the kitchen counter with

535
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:15,800
Speaker 5: my wife and we were down to three dollars in

536
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:20,080
Speaker 5: my wallet, like literally three dollars. And the reason I

537
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,480
Speaker 5: remember is I gave her two dollars and I held

538
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 5: on to one, and I went, this is us. You know.

539
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,800
Speaker 5: We couldn't go to an ATM because that would have

540
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,520
Speaker 5: just barked at us because there was nothing in there.

541
00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:34,440
Speaker 5: But I will say I remember us sort of sitting

542
00:29:34,520 --> 00:29:38,040
Speaker 5: up in bed, full of all the anxiety, but then

543
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:40,880
Speaker 5: just having this feeling of, well, at least we have

544
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:46,200
Speaker 5: each other, you know, and that and I sort of

545
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:49,920
Speaker 5: felt rich again because not everyone even has that. And

546
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:51,480
Speaker 5: I'm going to tell you a story I don't think

547
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:56,840
Speaker 5: I've told anyone under these kind of circumstances. Also, what happened?

548
00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:01,240
Speaker 5: Do you know the actress Kate Mara Bernicha? Yeah, So

549
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:05,719
Speaker 5: Kate Mara was at the time dating a wonderful actor

550
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:09,840
Speaker 5: called Charlie Cox, who now plays Daredevil on the TV show.

551
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,800
Speaker 5: And they had become really good friends of ours, and

552
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,920
Speaker 5: we were in the middle of this time where we

553
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:21,360
Speaker 5: just had no money, and we invited them over for lunch,

554
00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:27,160
Speaker 5: and we clearly had given them the most hallaciously basic

555
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:30,040
Speaker 5: of meals because it's all we could afford.

556
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,880
Speaker 1: Seriously, I was just about to say, what are you

557
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:34,280
Speaker 1: doing inviting people for lunch?

558
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:36,720
Speaker 5: Well, we're thinking I think we were sort of trying

559
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:41,040
Speaker 5: to pretend that our circumstances weren't our circumstances. But the

560
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 5: next day, without us having expressed anything of our financial situation,

561
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:49,800
Speaker 5: they turned up at the door with a four hundred

562
00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:53,960
Speaker 5: dollars trader Joe's virture and just handed it to my

563
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,040
Speaker 5: wife and I And so just just something we wanted

564
00:30:57,080 --> 00:31:02,720
Speaker 5: to do for you guys. And I could cry thinking

565
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:07,080
Speaker 5: about it now, because it was just it was we

566
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:12,440
Speaker 5: ran to training yourself do we got that fulture? And

567
00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:16,400
Speaker 5: that's how bad it was. And at the time I

568
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,719
Speaker 5: had done a film with George Lucas and like a

569
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:22,640
Speaker 5: film called Redtails that he had produced and was in

570
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:26,479
Speaker 5: stuck in post for a long time. I was on

571
00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:29,440
Speaker 5: the precipice of what I thought was the Hollywood dream,

572
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:33,680
Speaker 5: and then this crash happened, and it was just like

573
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 5: such a weird confluence of things. We were in La

574
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:42,320
Speaker 5: in Hollywood. I just done this film with Cuba Gutting

575
00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,680
Speaker 5: Junior and Terrence Howard and George Lucas was producing it,

576
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:48,440
Speaker 5: and my wife was pregnant with us and it was

577
00:31:48,480 --> 00:31:52,880
Speaker 5: just like, what is happening? But you know, between falling

578
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:54,960
Speaker 5: even deeper in love with my wife because it's all

579
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:57,920
Speaker 5: we had, and then having friends like that who showed

580
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:00,680
Speaker 5: up like that, you kind of go, oh, I think,

581
00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:03,360
Speaker 5: I think we're going to be okay and we want.

582
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:05,719
Speaker 3: That must have been some lunch that you prepared them,

583
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:06,080
Speaker 3: by the.

584
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,600
Speaker 5: Way, I know how bad.

585
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,520
Speaker 1: The next day with a four hundred relatives together, they

586
00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:14,360
Speaker 1: must have been like, listen, we don't know what's going

587
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,920
Speaker 1: on with you people, but that is not it.

588
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:23,280
Speaker 5: Wow, I know how bad. I can't even begin to

589
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:25,120
Speaker 5: I think you may have just been like pasta with

590
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:26,360
Speaker 5: butter or something.

591
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:28,600
Speaker 3: That's a really sweet story.

592
00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:28,840
Speaker 5: Though.

593
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:31,400
Speaker 1: I want to ask you one more question about I

594
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:34,560
Speaker 1: know that John Lewis, our former congressman who's in a

595
00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:37,920
Speaker 1: now deceased, but one of the all time heroes of

596
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,640
Speaker 1: our country was on the set one day for Selma

597
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:45,160
Speaker 1: when you were playing MKA Junior. So can you talk

598
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:48,080
Speaker 1: to us about that? What was that experience? Like have

599
00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:52,560
Speaker 1: you ever seen the video of him dancing? You know, yes,

600
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:56,160
Speaker 1: I watched that video like once a month whenever I

601
00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:57,080
Speaker 1: need to put me up.

602
00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:00,160
Speaker 5: Yeah, if you if you want a dose of joy.

603
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:01,000
Speaker 5: You just watched that.

604
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:03,360
Speaker 3: You know, what is the song he's dancing to?

605
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:04,720
Speaker 5: What song? Is it?

606
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:05,360
Speaker 2: Happy?

607
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:06,480
Speaker 6: Oh?

608
00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:12,760
Speaker 1: Yes, that's right. And he's got he has got some

609
00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:17,000
Speaker 1: serious fucking moves. Yeah, tell us what it was like

610
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:20,360
Speaker 1: meeting him and having him on set watching.

611
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:20,480
Speaker 3: You do that?

612
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:29,640
Speaker 5: Surreal? Fine, completely surreal And yes, yes, Catherine, terrifying because look,

613
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,440
Speaker 5: you know, in playing Doctor King, I had I had

614
00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:37,080
Speaker 5: interviewed Andrew Young, I had interviewed his kids in Doctor

615
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:40,760
Speaker 5: King's Kids. I had interviewed several of these giants of

616
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:44,320
Speaker 5: the movement. I hadn't yet met John Lewis, and John

617
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:47,640
Speaker 5: Lewis was featured heavily in our film. I was being

618
00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:50,760
Speaker 5: played by Stephan James. Of course, he's a busy guy.

619
00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:52,960
Speaker 5: I couldn't get to him in my build up to

620
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:59,360
Speaker 5: playing the role, and I, as you had alluded to, Chelsea,

621
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:03,600
Speaker 5: I I stayed in character. I just felt that's what

622
00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:06,800
Speaker 5: I had to do for that role. We were shooting

623
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:09,719
Speaker 5: in Atlanta, we were often surrounded by people who had

624
00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:12,000
Speaker 5: heard him speak, who had worked with him, who had

625
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:15,480
Speaker 5: been in his orbit. I'm obviously an English walking around

626
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,000
Speaker 5: with this accent just felt like not the way to

627
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:21,480
Speaker 5: elicit confidence or to sort of stay in the pocket,

628
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:23,799
Speaker 5: so to speak. So you know, I was pretty much

629
00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:28,080
Speaker 5: in that zone all the time. And then I got

630
00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:33,280
Speaker 5: a knock on my trailer door and an ad said,

631
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:36,640
Speaker 5: just to give your heads up, John Lewis is visiting

632
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:40,279
Speaker 5: set today and would like to say hello. And I

633
00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:42,560
Speaker 5: just felt all the blood to kind of just leave

634
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:47,719
Speaker 5: my body. What did that person just say? And then

635
00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:50,880
Speaker 5: they had literally warned me about a minute and a

636
00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:54,600
Speaker 5: half before he was at the door, and so I

637
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:57,959
Speaker 5: was so in the zone of just staying as doctor King.

638
00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:04,800
Speaker 5: I greeted him as the character, and within a few

639
00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:08,239
Speaker 5: minutes of our conversation, he just leaned into me and

640
00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:11,719
Speaker 5: said that the King, it is so good to see

641
00:35:11,719 --> 00:35:19,960
Speaker 5: you again. And I could see that he wasn't just

642
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:24,279
Speaker 5: being cute. He went somewhere as he was looking me

643
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:29,719
Speaker 5: in the eye, and I just thought, how many layers

644
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:33,440
Speaker 5: can play in this role continue to afford me? It

645
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:37,040
Speaker 5: was just so incredible. But what went on to happen

646
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:40,239
Speaker 5: is that day I was supposed to be giving a

647
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:44,719
Speaker 5: speech to four hundred people in a church and he

648
00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:50,200
Speaker 5: decided to stay from me getting this speech, and I

649
00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:54,480
Speaker 5: just thought, okay, great, to meet you, thank you for

650
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 5: being here. That's a layer of pressure. I just don't

651
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:03,120
Speaker 5: know that I what and you will never believe what happened.

652
00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:06,600
Speaker 5: So I don't know if you know this, Chelsea and Catherine.

653
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:10,839
Speaker 5: When you're shooting, if because of the generators and all

654
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:14,439
Speaker 5: the electrics used for making a movie, the minute there's

655
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:16,680
Speaker 5: a hint of a thunderstorm, you have to shut everything

656
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:20,360
Speaker 5: down just in case lightning or all the thunder hits

657
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:25,040
Speaker 5: the generator, and literally, Ava Duvenet, who directed the film,

658
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:31,239
Speaker 5: went okay, everyone going for a take roll sound everything

659
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:35,680
Speaker 5: went dark literally and I'm not exaggerating, and I have

660
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:40,399
Speaker 5: photographs of this thing. Everything went dark, and this thunderstorm

661
00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:43,840
Speaker 5: just suddenly was over the church we were going to

662
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:47,040
Speaker 5: be shooting in. And by the time the storm had passed,

663
00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:49,840
Speaker 5: he had had to leave. And I just was like,

664
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:52,560
Speaker 5: there is a god and he loves me.

665
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:58,240
Speaker 3: You will that thunderstorm happened.

666
00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:03,719
Speaker 1: You're like, that's the fuck before I have to.

667
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:07,160
Speaker 5: Believe exactly, no disrespect, but this doesn't help me.

668
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:12,000
Speaker 3: Get out of here. Oh he's such a legend.

669
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:15,160
Speaker 1: He is such a legend. John lewis just the most

670
00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:16,200
Speaker 1: awesome energy.

671
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:18,640
Speaker 3: So just the coolest.

672
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:20,560
Speaker 1: Okay, we're gonna take a break. We'll be right back

673
00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:27,480
Speaker 1: with David. Oh yellow, and we're back.

674
00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:31,160
Speaker 3: We are getting into the advice portion of the show. David.

675
00:37:31,239 --> 00:37:32,879
Speaker 3: So I want to know you.

676
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:35,680
Speaker 1: Can give me good or bad if there's any Yeah,

677
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,239
Speaker 1: maybe bad. Since you've already shared some good advice that

678
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:41,440
Speaker 1: you've gotten from Oprah and others, can you remember some

679
00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:43,480
Speaker 1: of the worst advice that you've ever gotten.

680
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:49,960
Speaker 5: My dad gave me terrible advice over the two things

681
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:54,759
Speaker 5: that I value most in my life. My dad was

682
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:59,719
Speaker 5: my hero, my absolute hero, and he endured quite a

683
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:02,480
Speaker 5: bit of racism in the UK when he first moved

684
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:06,320
Speaker 5: there in the sixties and seventies. So when I met Jess,

685
00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:09,560
Speaker 5: who's white and who went on to be my wife,

686
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,319
Speaker 5: and I went to him and talked about the fact

687
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:13,920
Speaker 5: that I think, I think this is the person I

688
00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:19,040
Speaker 5: want to marry, he was so against it, and I

689
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:22,040
Speaker 5: didn't think then it was to do with, you know,

690
00:38:22,239 --> 00:38:24,680
Speaker 5: all of the trauma of what he had faced from

691
00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:31,640
Speaker 5: other white people. But his advice was divid one day,

692
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:34,120
Speaker 5: she's going to wake up and realize you are black.

693
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:40,760
Speaker 5: I was like, Okay, thank you for that. I think

694
00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:44,080
Speaker 5: she's aware and that doesn't help me one bit. What

695
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:46,640
Speaker 5: on earth are you talking about? And he just was

696
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 5: like that they are they betray us, they leave us,

697
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:56,360
Speaker 5: they hurt us. That's what they're predisposed to do. And

698
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:01,719
Speaker 5: that was his reality. And I had to defy him

699
00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:04,799
Speaker 5: on that. That was his advice. And he also didn't

700
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,799
Speaker 5: get married till he was forty didn't have me till

701
00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:10,759
Speaker 5: he was forty two. And I can understand it now

702
00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:13,719
Speaker 5: that I'm a father myself, but I Jess and I

703
00:39:13,719 --> 00:39:16,560
Speaker 5: got engaged when she was nineteen and I was twenty one,

704
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:20,840
Speaker 5: and he was just like, are you out of your mind?

705
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:27,120
Speaker 5: That she's white and she's nineteen. And you know, that

706
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:32,200
Speaker 5: was advice, which I can now understand having dealt with

707
00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 5: my own interaction with racism, my own interaction with now

708
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:40,200
Speaker 5: being a father who has children who are similar to

709
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:42,520
Speaker 5: the age I was, but at the time I was

710
00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:45,239
Speaker 5: in complete defiance of that. And then you know, and

711
00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:48,440
Speaker 5: then me telling him I wanted to be an actor.

712
00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:50,160
Speaker 5: You know, the first thing he said, why do you

713
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:52,160
Speaker 5: want to go and be a jester? You want to

714
00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:57,319
Speaker 5: go and be a jester. It's like, okay, okay, that's

715
00:39:57,320 --> 00:40:01,040
Speaker 5: what you think of actors that, yeah, they are jesters, promiscuous,

716
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:08,160
Speaker 5: justus Like, okay, I'm not listening to you on that either. Daddy,

717
00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:08,640
Speaker 5: did you.

718
00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:11,400
Speaker 3: Ever share what he said with Jess with your wife?

719
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:14,600
Speaker 5: I didn't have to because he would say it to

720
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:19,359
Speaker 5: her face. I mean it was so upsetting. Like he

721
00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:22,440
Speaker 5: met her, I introduced him to her, said, do you

722
00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:25,680
Speaker 5: know how many girls are calling David all the time? Eh?

723
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:31,279
Speaker 5: You think you think? I was like, daddy, he said,

724
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:34,239
Speaker 5: and what do you eat? Salad? Is salad? The only

725
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:37,560
Speaker 5: thing you're eating salad? Salad, salad. Wow, you need to

726
00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:40,479
Speaker 5: put some some weights. Where's the meat? There's no meat?

727
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:43,600
Speaker 5: And I was like, I stood right there, like Daddy,

728
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:47,239
Speaker 5: please stop. But that that was my parents that would

729
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:49,840
Speaker 5: just say whatever was on their mind all the time.

730
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:52,920
Speaker 3: That's pretty cute. Maybe not cute at the time, but

731
00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:54,239
Speaker 3: after the fact.

732
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:57,839
Speaker 5: The other thing. So he completely fell in love with

733
00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:00,640
Speaker 5: Jess with time and then ended up living with us.

734
00:41:01,239 --> 00:41:04,840
Speaker 5: And you know, with time, my wife did become more voluptuous,

735
00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:08,399
Speaker 5: and that she would come in, she would come into

736
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:15,280
Speaker 5: the right. Oh, yes, this is wonderful. Yes, I'm like daddy,

737
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:20,399
Speaker 5: I stood right here. That is highly inappropriate. It's true.

738
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:23,920
Speaker 5: Now look, it is wonderful. I was like, goodness me,

739
00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:26,280
Speaker 5: Oh that's it's tough.

740
00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:27,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, I like it.

741
00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:31,040
Speaker 1: Okay, we have some callers and we have some we

742
00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:32,880
Speaker 1: give advice David on this podcast.

743
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:34,440
Speaker 5: Okay, I'm ready.

744
00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:36,719
Speaker 3: You're ready, let's go, Catherine, what do you got?

745
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:38,800
Speaker 2: All right? Well, we're going to start with a caller,

746
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:41,040
Speaker 2: so we're like jumping into the deep end. Okay, great,

747
00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:43,360
Speaker 2: and David, I know you've given dating advice. It seems

748
00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:45,960
Speaker 2: like it was successful to your children, so you know

749
00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:49,200
Speaker 2: we're going to jump into some dating advice. So okay, naishat,

750
00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:52,720
Speaker 2: says dear Chelsea. My family immigrated to the US almost

751
00:41:52,719 --> 00:41:55,880
Speaker 2: forty years ago from a predominantly Muslim country. I was

752
00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:58,719
Speaker 2: born here a few years later. Overall, I described my

753
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:02,080
Speaker 2: family as being quite liber and progressive. With time, they've

754
00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:05,879
Speaker 2: adjusted comfortably into American society. That being said, I'd still

755
00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:09,000
Speaker 2: describe our upbringing as being more sheltered than our peers.

756
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,440
Speaker 2: We were allowed to have friends and grew up consuming

757
00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,480
Speaker 2: American pop culture and media, but school was typically first

758
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:17,480
Speaker 2: priority and dating wasn't allowed. I don't want to label

759
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:19,920
Speaker 2: my mom and dad as helicopter parents, but I'd say

760
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:22,960
Speaker 2: they had a tendency to be more overprotective than necessary

761
00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:26,120
Speaker 2: due to their hesitation and expectations. I feel like I

762
00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:29,680
Speaker 2: missed out on optimizing fun and exploration during my formative years.

763
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:32,560
Speaker 2: These reflections have now been having an impact on my

764
00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:35,440
Speaker 2: views about dating and relationships. The irony is that my

765
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:37,320
Speaker 2: family would love for me to find a great partner

766
00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:39,960
Speaker 2: to share my life with, but my insecurities about my

767
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,279
Speaker 2: inexperience are getting in the way, and I feel like

768
00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:45,440
Speaker 2: my upbringing is somewhat to blame. I'm embarrassed to admit

769
00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:48,879
Speaker 2: that I've never dated or been in a relationship before. Now,

770
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:51,839
Speaker 2: at thirty four, I feel anxious, frustrated, and scared about

771
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:54,400
Speaker 2: navigating this world. I've been on and off a few

772
00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:56,600
Speaker 2: apps over the past few years, but they simply make

773
00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:59,480
Speaker 2: me feel bored and disposable, and I find the infinite

774
00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:03,040
Speaker 2: number of tales is overwhelming. There were a few flirtations

775
00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:05,080
Speaker 2: that I build on and never connected with in person,

776
00:43:05,239 --> 00:43:07,239
Speaker 2: including one guy I matched with three times over the

777
00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:09,760
Speaker 2: course of four years. I finally struck up the courage

778
00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:12,480
Speaker 2: to send a message, but alas he never responded. I've

779
00:43:12,480 --> 00:43:15,480
Speaker 2: been harboring a crush ever since. I know everyone's complaining

780
00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:17,279
Speaker 2: about the state of dating in this modern age, but

781
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:20,239
Speaker 2: I genuinely feel unfit to tread these waters. How am

782
00:43:20,239 --> 00:43:22,160
Speaker 2: I supposed to start playing the game when I barely

783
00:43:22,239 --> 00:43:23,240
Speaker 2: understand the rules?

784
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:26,839
Speaker 1: Sincerely in the shot, Hi, thank you for calling in.

785
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:29,480
Speaker 3: This is our special guest, David o'yello.

786
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:31,360
Speaker 5: Oh hi, oh. Dating.

787
00:43:31,719 --> 00:43:32,840
Speaker 3: Dating is difficult.

788
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:34,919
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter if you've been doing it for twenty

789
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,000
Speaker 1: years or if you're just I would say it's great

790
00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:38,080
Speaker 1: that you haven't been.

791
00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:43,200
Speaker 3: Exposed too many men. I would say, check in your box.

792
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:44,319
Speaker 3: That's a bonus.

793
00:43:44,719 --> 00:43:48,000
Speaker 1: Yes, and your desire a is also great. Like the

794
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,279
Speaker 1: fact that you're interested and that you've taken steps to

795
00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:53,759
Speaker 1: make something happen is also positive.

796
00:43:54,120 --> 00:43:56,600
Speaker 3: Do you have a therapist that you talked to? No?

797
00:43:56,680 --> 00:43:57,080
Speaker 5: I do not.

798
00:43:57,200 --> 00:44:00,920
Speaker 7: I'm considered it, but I haven't really taking the step

799
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:02,120
Speaker 7: in that direction now.

800
00:44:02,360 --> 00:44:04,759
Speaker 1: I think it's important to have a therapist. I think,

801
00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:07,600
Speaker 1: especially at your age, especially with everything that you're just.

802
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:09,640
Speaker 1: I mean, it doesn't matter where you're from or what

803
00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:10,680
Speaker 1: your life experience is.

804
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:12,080
Speaker 3: We all need therapists.

805
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:14,480
Speaker 1: We all need a sounding board, and we all need

806
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:17,359
Speaker 1: to unpack our childhoods in some way and there's all this,

807
00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:20,400
Speaker 1: you know, trauma that some of us don't even know about,

808
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,600
Speaker 1: and whether it's like huge traumas or like little, micro

809
00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:26,160
Speaker 1: little trauma traumas throughout your life, it's very important to

810
00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:29,320
Speaker 1: talk to somebody about what shaped you and how you've

811
00:44:29,360 --> 00:44:31,759
Speaker 1: come into this world to become the woman that you are,

812
00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:34,840
Speaker 1: and also to just kind of help guide you along.

813
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:37,720
Speaker 1: Like I think, as long as you're taking little steps

814
00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:40,279
Speaker 1: in the direction of where you want to go, then

815
00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:43,480
Speaker 1: that's a positive thing that you're doing. Being on the

816
00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:46,120
Speaker 1: dating apps is fine. I know it's frustrating, believe me,

817
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:48,160
Speaker 1: Like I hear it all the time. I'm a woman,

818
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:51,520
Speaker 1: I get it. Yeah, but there are great men out there.

819
00:44:51,640 --> 00:44:54,839
Speaker 1: There are There's just there's a lot of idiots out there,

820
00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:57,520
Speaker 1: so it kind of makes it look worse than it is.

821
00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:00,200
Speaker 1: But you have to just be focused, I think, on

822
00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:03,560
Speaker 1: your intention, which is to be in a loving, happy relationship.

823
00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:07,960
Speaker 7: I'm assuming yeah, yeah, right, it's I mean, I'm hoping

824
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:10,319
Speaker 7: that everybody on the apps has the same intention, but

825
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:14,000
Speaker 7: unfortunately it's it's the wild West, so you just never

826
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:17,960
Speaker 7: really know who's looking for something serious, who's looking for

827
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:19,799
Speaker 7: something casual, and who's just kind of there for.

828
00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:22,840
Speaker 1: Fun, absolutely, and that's also but like you can't control

829
00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:25,200
Speaker 1: what somebody. All you can do is be as direct

830
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:28,520
Speaker 1: as possible, and like, you know, that's one of the things.

831
00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:30,880
Speaker 1: I just kind of started something on my Instagram. It

832
00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:32,879
Speaker 1: was kind of at in jest, but it turned into

833
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,640
Speaker 1: this whole dating thing of setting people up because I

834
00:45:35,680 --> 00:45:36,960
Speaker 1: was like, where are all the men out here?

835
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:40,000
Speaker 3: I know so many incredible women and there are where

836
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:42,399
Speaker 3: are the men? So I think there's just like we're

837
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:42,719
Speaker 3: in a.

838
00:45:42,719 --> 00:45:45,200
Speaker 1: Time in our culture where it's just like men aren't

839
00:45:45,280 --> 00:45:47,839
Speaker 1: working as hard to try to meet women or they've

840
00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:51,440
Speaker 1: forgotten how to connect with women. But there's definitely like

841
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:54,560
Speaker 1: you know, I think, I think for you as a

842
00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:57,560
Speaker 1: woman to be intentional, to be to be upfront, to

843
00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:00,080
Speaker 1: say I'm not looking for something casual, I'm looking at

844
00:46:00,280 --> 00:46:02,799
Speaker 1: to get to know somebody and you know, to see

845
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:04,480
Speaker 1: with without any pressure on it.

846
00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:06,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a good way to take the pressure.

847
00:46:06,080 --> 00:46:09,319
Speaker 1: Get into the art of practicing communicating that way, and

848
00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:12,440
Speaker 1: get into the practice of trying to go on dates,

849
00:46:12,680 --> 00:46:15,560
Speaker 1: you know, use those apps and and and use those

850
00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:19,200
Speaker 1: dates like do nice innocent daytime coffee meet up.

851
00:46:19,480 --> 00:46:22,920
Speaker 7: I'm open to those things absolutely not happening as often

852
00:46:22,960 --> 00:46:24,880
Speaker 7: as I would have preferred.

853
00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:27,880
Speaker 2: Right, do you have a good group of girlfriends and

854
00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:34,279
Speaker 2: a chat? Do I have a that's that's for a

855
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:35,279
Speaker 2: couple one or two?

856
00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:38,120
Speaker 7: I have a couple. I don't like seeing it, but

857
00:46:38,160 --> 00:46:40,840
Speaker 7: I feel like the older I've gotten, the smaller that

858
00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:44,520
Speaker 7: group has also gotten, and people kind of get preoccupied with,

859
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:47,120
Speaker 7: you know, their own changes in their life. They have

860
00:46:47,239 --> 00:46:50,040
Speaker 7: new priorities, and so we just don't really get to

861
00:46:50,120 --> 00:46:52,200
Speaker 7: keep in touch the same way we used to.

862
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:52,640
Speaker 5: Totally.

863
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,560
Speaker 7: It's pretty limited to like texting or phone calls. But

864
00:46:55,600 --> 00:46:57,759
Speaker 7: I do have one or two people I still keep

865
00:46:57,760 --> 00:46:59,360
Speaker 7: in touch with from school and from college.

866
00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:01,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel like right now, what you

867
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,359
Speaker 2: need as a cheerleader, and whether that's like reaching out

868
00:47:04,360 --> 00:47:06,600
Speaker 2: to girlfriends and getting back in touch with them on

869
00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:09,600
Speaker 2: a regular basis, or a therapist, like someone who can

870
00:47:09,640 --> 00:47:11,520
Speaker 2: walk through this with you and be cheering you on,

871
00:47:11,600 --> 00:47:14,360
Speaker 2: because it's not just one step, right, it's like multiple

872
00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:16,520
Speaker 2: steps and getting to know someone and then maybe if

873
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:19,720
Speaker 2: things get more serious, it's really important to have somebody

874
00:47:19,760 --> 00:47:20,960
Speaker 2: in your corner cheering you on.

875
00:47:22,320 --> 00:47:26,960
Speaker 7: Yeah, And I try to also learn from their experiences

876
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:29,600
Speaker 7: because they've also kind of gone, you know, through the

877
00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:33,600
Speaker 7: whole process, and I've heard horror stories and so I

878
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:37,279
Speaker 7: think that's kind of pushed me away from wanting to

879
00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:40,279
Speaker 7: engage in the experience. But you can only learn to

880
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:42,360
Speaker 7: swim if you get in the water. Yeah, So I

881
00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:45,879
Speaker 7: keep telling myself so you know, it might take a while,

882
00:47:45,920 --> 00:47:48,080
Speaker 7: but been trying to stick through it to see what's

883
00:47:48,120 --> 00:47:48,600
Speaker 7: the outcome.

884
00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:51,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you don't have to feel embarrassed. Like I

885
00:47:51,320 --> 00:47:53,600
Speaker 2: have multiple friends who were in their thirties before they

886
00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:58,800
Speaker 2: really started dating and they're happily settled now. My one friend,

887
00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:01,080
Speaker 2: I say like, I'm so you didn't make us meet

888
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:02,960
Speaker 2: a ton of people. It was like the first person

889
00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:05,719
Speaker 2: she met that was her person and they're very happy now.

890
00:48:06,239 --> 00:48:07,919
Speaker 2: So it can definitely happen.

891
00:48:07,960 --> 00:48:10,600
Speaker 1: But also I just would say, like, don't give up,

892
00:48:10,640 --> 00:48:13,040
Speaker 1: and if somebody doesn't respond to you or whatever, that's

893
00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:16,279
Speaker 1: not your problem. Every no is closer to the yes

894
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:17,919
Speaker 1: that you're going to find, do you know what I mean?

895
00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:20,440
Speaker 1: So get rid of who cares about that guy? If

896
00:48:20,440 --> 00:48:23,719
Speaker 1: he didn't respond, great, who's next. Let's and get into

897
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:27,880
Speaker 1: that practice of going on really casual, innocent like coffee dates.

898
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:29,759
Speaker 1: Just to get into the rhythm of it so that

899
00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:32,440
Speaker 1: it doesn't feel like such a big deal anytime you

900
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:34,479
Speaker 1: do it, that you're not giving yourself away.

901
00:48:34,520 --> 00:48:36,359
Speaker 3: It's just kind of like, oh, this is what.

902
00:48:36,280 --> 00:48:38,160
Speaker 1: I do now a couple times a week or once

903
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:40,080
Speaker 1: a week or whatever you want to set up, but

904
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:43,799
Speaker 1: constantly making efforts in the direction you want to go,

905
00:48:43,840 --> 00:48:45,600
Speaker 1: which is to be in a relationship. And I think

906
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:48,440
Speaker 1: it's wonderful that you have like accepted that. A lot

907
00:48:48,440 --> 00:48:50,200
Speaker 1: of people don't even want to say that, you know,

908
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:52,640
Speaker 1: They're like, no, I don't want them, it's too scary

909
00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:55,680
Speaker 1: out there. Like it's good that what part of the

910
00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:56,600
Speaker 1: country do you live in?

911
00:48:57,160 --> 00:48:59,160
Speaker 7: So I'm in New York City, you know, I'm just

912
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:00,760
Speaker 7: outside of great in the suburbs.

913
00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:01,520
Speaker 3: Yeah.

914
00:49:01,560 --> 00:49:03,560
Speaker 1: And then I also think when summer coming up and

915
00:49:03,600 --> 00:49:06,000
Speaker 1: spring coming up, there's so many things you could sign

916
00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:08,960
Speaker 1: up for, so many like activities that are outdoors in

917
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:11,600
Speaker 1: New York City where you can meet people that are

918
00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:13,719
Speaker 1: going to be geared for people who are trying to

919
00:49:13,760 --> 00:49:14,320
Speaker 1: meet people.

920
00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:14,960
Speaker 3: You know what I mean.

921
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:17,799
Speaker 1: If you look up, like, you know, dating activities in

922
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:20,360
Speaker 1: New York City, they'll be like, oh, singles like women

923
00:49:20,400 --> 00:49:22,680
Speaker 1: and men men meeting women like they have all that

924
00:49:22,719 --> 00:49:24,640
Speaker 1: stuff available. So you're in the best city in the

925
00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:26,280
Speaker 1: world to do that, to make that happen.

926
00:49:26,800 --> 00:49:29,040
Speaker 7: I keep being told level. I think another issue is

927
00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:33,120
Speaker 7: I'm a terrible flirt. I'm terrible, as in like zero.

928
00:49:35,040 --> 00:49:37,120
Speaker 7: I don't know how I would even navigate that kind

929
00:49:37,120 --> 00:49:40,359
Speaker 7: of a scenario. I look forward to those kind of exchanges,

930
00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:43,880
Speaker 7: but because I haven't had any experience, I wonder how

931
00:49:44,160 --> 00:49:47,000
Speaker 7: how would I even perform and how would it feel?

932
00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 6: Like?

933
00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:49,960
Speaker 7: You know, So it's it's like constantly like big, big

934
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:51,160
Speaker 7: butterflies in my stomach.

935
00:49:51,880 --> 00:49:52,240
Speaker 3: Yeah.

936
00:49:52,320 --> 00:49:55,200
Speaker 1: Well, I really really encourage you to get a therapist

937
00:49:55,280 --> 00:49:57,759
Speaker 1: and really have somebody in your corner that you can

938
00:49:57,840 --> 00:50:00,400
Speaker 1: really bounce this stuff off of, because she's going to

939
00:50:00,480 --> 00:50:00,799
Speaker 1: help you.

940
00:50:01,120 --> 00:50:02,759
Speaker 3: I'm saying a woman, because you should get a woman

941
00:50:03,200 --> 00:50:06,440
Speaker 3: and she's gonna help you navigate this.

942
00:50:06,640 --> 00:50:08,480
Speaker 1: And I think it's great that you want to put

943
00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:11,120
Speaker 1: yourself out there and that is a big step.

944
00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:13,399
Speaker 7: Thank you, Thank you appreciate that, David.

945
00:50:13,480 --> 00:50:18,640
Speaker 5: You have fast Yeah, I do. You know. Everything I'm hearing,

946
00:50:18,680 --> 00:50:23,440
Speaker 5: which I agree with, is how can you be active

947
00:50:23,600 --> 00:50:28,000
Speaker 5: rather than reactive in a sense and also intentional, you know,

948
00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:31,360
Speaker 5: in terms of your upbringing. Some of what I expressed

949
00:50:31,760 --> 00:50:36,359
Speaker 5: on here today is my own parents' perceptions that were

950
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:43,080
Speaker 5: being transposed onto me, and I could either reject them

951
00:50:43,960 --> 00:50:47,640
Speaker 5: because I recognize that that's their experience and not mine,

952
00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:51,520
Speaker 5: or I could internalize them and then be pulled into

953
00:50:51,600 --> 00:50:57,960
Speaker 5: someone else's prejudices, preconceptions, fears, doubts, and before you know it,

954
00:50:58,000 --> 00:51:00,840
Speaker 5: you have this sort of generational psych that is a

955
00:51:00,920 --> 00:51:04,840
Speaker 5: downward spiral on the basis of information that may not

956
00:51:05,000 --> 00:51:07,879
Speaker 5: actually even be true anymore. That may have been your

957
00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:11,120
Speaker 5: experience coming over to this country in the sixties and

958
00:51:11,200 --> 00:51:14,160
Speaker 5: seventies or whatever, but the world has changed. I'm a

959
00:51:14,160 --> 00:51:19,640
Speaker 5: different person. I have different beliefs, values, aspirations, desires, and

960
00:51:19,719 --> 00:51:24,640
Speaker 5: so I think to actively recognize that you may still

961
00:51:24,680 --> 00:51:29,440
Speaker 5: be living or reacting to your parents' estimations of what

962
00:51:29,480 --> 00:51:32,200
Speaker 5: your life should be and who you are is one thing.

963
00:51:32,239 --> 00:51:35,799
Speaker 5: And then to Chelsea's point about therapy, you know, what

964
00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:38,640
Speaker 5: are the things that you can intentionally do on the

965
00:51:38,680 --> 00:51:42,520
Speaker 5: basis of the revelation you've had about yourself and then

966
00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:45,239
Speaker 5: the putting of yourself out there in a sense, which

967
00:51:45,239 --> 00:51:48,360
Speaker 5: is terrifying for everyone. Of course, what I would also

968
00:51:48,440 --> 00:51:51,239
Speaker 5: say is to get rid of any shame tied to

969
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:54,440
Speaker 5: the fact that you're in your thirties and you are

970
00:51:54,600 --> 00:51:58,640
Speaker 5: you and your experience is specific, you know, because of

971
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:03,120
Speaker 5: how I was raised and my own belief system from

972
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:05,800
Speaker 5: a faith standpoint, I was a virgin when I got married,

973
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:10,520
Speaker 5: and I got teased mercilessly for that, but it was

974
00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:13,520
Speaker 5: my truth and it has proved to be something that

975
00:52:13,680 --> 00:52:18,080
Speaker 5: is wonderful for me. And there were times where when

976
00:52:18,120 --> 00:52:21,640
Speaker 5: I was being teased or mocked for it, that I

977
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:24,719
Speaker 5: could have been drawn into someone else's perception of what

978
00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:27,840
Speaker 5: I should have been doing. And to be honest, for me,

979
00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:30,920
Speaker 5: that I just know that wasn't the path I wanted

980
00:52:31,160 --> 00:52:33,279
Speaker 5: and the path that was going to lead to my

981
00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:38,400
Speaker 5: own specific brand of happiness. And so I agree with Chelsea.

982
00:52:38,440 --> 00:52:40,239
Speaker 5: I have a lot of friends in their thirties and

983
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:43,480
Speaker 5: forties who have dated a lot and are left with

984
00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:50,439
Speaker 5: real scars that mean that almost the idea of them

985
00:52:50,560 --> 00:52:55,239
Speaker 5: finding a partner is harder because it's that now they're

986
00:52:55,239 --> 00:52:59,120
Speaker 5: bringing so much baggage to those relationships. And again not

987
00:52:59,200 --> 00:53:02,080
Speaker 5: to say that that isn't something that you can also

988
00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:06,560
Speaker 5: still find love through, but please don't think that you

989
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:11,120
Speaker 5: are now somehow damaged goods because of your age or

990
00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:14,680
Speaker 5: your parental thing or even being shy. You know, there's

991
00:53:14,719 --> 00:53:16,919
Speaker 5: going to be someone out there that's the very thing

992
00:53:16,960 --> 00:53:20,080
Speaker 5: about you that they love. Easier said than done. But

993
00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:23,640
Speaker 5: what are the intentional things you can do? What is

994
00:53:24,520 --> 00:53:28,160
Speaker 5: a team sport or a social situation that you can

995
00:53:28,160 --> 00:53:31,160
Speaker 5: put yourself in that isn't necessarily tied to dating, but

996
00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:33,759
Speaker 5: it's going to help with your confidence so that you're

997
00:53:33,800 --> 00:53:37,120
Speaker 5: going into situations whereby you know, you've just dealt with

998
00:53:37,160 --> 00:53:40,320
Speaker 5: some of your social anxiety that isn't in a setting

999
00:53:40,400 --> 00:53:43,040
Speaker 5: that is about dating, which is just like way too

1000
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:46,840
Speaker 5: many anxiety to induce. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, So

1001
00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:47,879
Speaker 5: what is that thing?

1002
00:53:48,000 --> 00:53:48,200
Speaker 6: You know?

1003
00:53:48,360 --> 00:53:50,799
Speaker 5: Is it a board game thing, is it a book club?

1004
00:53:50,920 --> 00:53:53,160
Speaker 5: Is it a whatever? You know, get outside of your

1005
00:53:53,160 --> 00:53:56,400
Speaker 5: comfort zone and then get rid of the shame, you know,

1006
00:53:56,640 --> 00:54:01,400
Speaker 5: dispel you know, the projections of your parents, and then yeah,

1007
00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:04,160
Speaker 5: and then just keep on keep on getting getting on

1008
00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:06,120
Speaker 5: out there. I was just saying to these guys, I'm

1009
00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:11,200
Speaker 5: literally officiating the wedding of my assistant on Saturday. She's

1010
00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:14,200
Speaker 5: she's in her forties, her husband to be is in

1011
00:54:14,200 --> 00:54:18,480
Speaker 5: his forties. They met on set. He was our art director,

1012
00:54:18,640 --> 00:54:26,000
Speaker 5: and I just saw the most beautiful, appless, cute convergence

1013
00:54:26,040 --> 00:54:28,160
Speaker 5: which is now leading to these two guys in their

1014
00:54:28,200 --> 00:54:30,760
Speaker 5: forties getting married at my house is Saturday.

1015
00:54:31,120 --> 00:54:32,680
Speaker 7: I love that it's appless.

1016
00:54:33,760 --> 00:54:36,960
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, it can still happen. It can still.

1017
00:54:36,760 --> 00:54:39,960
Speaker 1: Happen, right, And also just let letting people know, you

1018
00:54:39,960 --> 00:54:41,840
Speaker 1: know that in that are in your life and in

1019
00:54:41,880 --> 00:54:44,920
Speaker 1: your work life, that you're interested in meeting someone. It's

1020
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:47,360
Speaker 1: good to keep putting that message out there and letting

1021
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:49,920
Speaker 1: people you never know where you're going to be introduced

1022
00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:50,440
Speaker 1: to somebody.

1023
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:53,840
Speaker 7: Yep, true, true, Yeah, So I'm going to try to

1024
00:54:53,840 --> 00:54:55,080
Speaker 7: stay open to those things.

1025
00:54:55,440 --> 00:54:58,560
Speaker 3: Okay, great, I can't wait for your first boyfriend let

1026
00:54:58,600 --> 00:54:58,880
Speaker 3: us know.

1027
00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:02,240
Speaker 2: Will you follow up with us in a shot?

1028
00:55:02,640 --> 00:55:05,200
Speaker 7: Absolutely definitely, I'll follow up with you. Guys.

1029
00:55:05,239 --> 00:55:09,080
Speaker 3: Thank you so much as much nice.

1030
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:11,760
Speaker 7: Likewise, thank you bye.

1031
00:55:12,040 --> 00:55:13,120
Speaker 3: That was such great advice.

1032
00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:16,480
Speaker 1: I know that was great advice, David. I loved everything

1033
00:55:16,520 --> 00:55:20,080
Speaker 1: you said. Now we have you on record giving dating advice.

1034
00:55:20,120 --> 00:55:20,880
Speaker 5: This is awesome.

1035
00:55:21,680 --> 00:55:26,600
Speaker 2: Happily happily, so, Evelyn says. Dear Chelsea. I'm writing because

1036
00:55:26,600 --> 00:55:28,640
Speaker 2: I can't seem to make the move to leave a

1037
00:55:28,680 --> 00:55:31,360
Speaker 2: situation that isn't good for me. I've been with my

1038
00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:33,760
Speaker 2: current partner for three years, and I think about leaving

1039
00:55:33,800 --> 00:55:37,600
Speaker 2: almost every day. An overview he cheated one ye're into

1040
00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:40,319
Speaker 2: our relationship with an ex and also slept with his

1041
00:55:40,440 --> 00:55:43,239
Speaker 2: son's mother when we were broken up due to at

1042
00:55:43,239 --> 00:55:46,560
Speaker 2: the aforementioned cheating, and lied until it was clear he

1043
00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:47,480
Speaker 2: couldn't lie anymore.

1044
00:55:47,719 --> 00:55:48,520
Speaker 3: I thought I could.

1045
00:55:48,360 --> 00:55:50,600
Speaker 2: Forgive and move on, but I think about it often

1046
00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:53,200
Speaker 2: and obviously don't feel like I can trust him. He

1047
00:55:53,239 --> 00:55:56,400
Speaker 2: has a terrible relationship with his son's mother, calls her names,

1048
00:55:56,520 --> 00:55:59,359
Speaker 2: argues and fights with her often crazy that they slept together.

1049
00:55:59,440 --> 00:55:59,920
Speaker 5: Huh.

1050
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:03,040
Speaker 2: We don't have anything in common. Our conversations are pointless,

1051
00:56:03,040 --> 00:56:05,239
Speaker 2: and he has a short fuse. But he's also a

1052
00:56:05,280 --> 00:56:08,160
Speaker 2: great provider. He loves our daughter and great with kids.

1053
00:56:08,560 --> 00:56:10,640
Speaker 2: I'm close with his family, so he has a good

1054
00:56:10,680 --> 00:56:12,960
Speaker 2: side too. That's where I get wrapped up in guilt,

1055
00:56:13,080 --> 00:56:15,440
Speaker 2: but I know that I deserve better. Oh and he

1056
00:56:15,480 --> 00:56:18,200
Speaker 2: proposed on a trip recently, so guilt is at amax

1057
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:21,600
Speaker 2: even writing this. I'm like, girl, obviously you need to leave.

1058
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:23,920
Speaker 2: The problem is I'm a mom to our fifteen month

1059
00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:26,640
Speaker 2: old daughter. I don't work, so I'm apprehensive to leave.

1060
00:56:27,040 --> 00:56:28,680
Speaker 2: I'm scared he'll be awful to me like he is

1061
00:56:28,680 --> 00:56:30,959
Speaker 2: with his son's mom. I just don't know where to start,

1062
00:56:31,040 --> 00:56:32,960
Speaker 2: or how to leave, or if I should do. I

1063
00:56:33,000 --> 00:56:35,080
Speaker 2: leave and bite the bullet, put my daughter in daycare.

1064
00:56:35,239 --> 00:56:37,000
Speaker 2: I have a lot of anxiety about leaving her in

1065
00:56:37,080 --> 00:56:40,000
Speaker 2: daycare and start to rebuild. I know what you're going

1066
00:56:40,040 --> 00:56:41,759
Speaker 2: to say, and my gut is saying the same, but

1067
00:56:41,840 --> 00:56:44,319
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand please help. I

1068
00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:45,960
Speaker 2: look up to you so much. I dream of one

1069
00:56:46,000 --> 00:56:47,799
Speaker 2: day being able to make moves within my own life

1070
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:49,719
Speaker 2: that are aligned with my beliefs the way you do.

1071
00:56:50,200 --> 00:56:51,080
Speaker 2: Thank you, Evelyn.

1072
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:55,800
Speaker 1: Hi, Evelyn, Hi, Hi, this is our special guest, David.

1073
00:56:55,880 --> 00:56:56,640
Speaker 3: He's here today.

1074
00:56:57,000 --> 00:57:00,759
Speaker 1: Hi, hell Hi, I'm really sorry about how what you're

1075
00:57:00,800 --> 00:57:01,200
Speaker 1: going through.

1076
00:57:01,239 --> 00:57:02,520
Speaker 3: I can feel the pain in your letter.

1077
00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:06,799
Speaker 1: I understand that you're in a really difficult spot. But

1078
00:57:06,960 --> 00:57:09,240
Speaker 1: I think you obviously know the answer to your question

1079
00:57:09,440 --> 00:57:12,799
Speaker 1: because you do and you have a knowing. We all

1080
00:57:12,840 --> 00:57:15,200
Speaker 1: have a knowing within us, whether you're a man or

1081
00:57:15,239 --> 00:57:18,200
Speaker 1: a woman or anything in between. We all have an

1082
00:57:18,240 --> 00:57:20,760
Speaker 1: instinct and a gut. And the longer you put off

1083
00:57:20,800 --> 00:57:23,360
Speaker 1: listening to that gut. It just feel like the higher

1084
00:57:23,400 --> 00:57:24,560
Speaker 1: of a price you're going to pay.

1085
00:57:25,120 --> 00:57:25,880
Speaker 3: Do you have.

1086
00:57:25,800 --> 00:57:28,280
Speaker 1: Any family, Do you have anyone you can go to

1087
00:57:28,560 --> 00:57:30,960
Speaker 1: if you were to move out or to leave that

1088
00:57:31,040 --> 00:57:31,600
Speaker 1: can help you.

1089
00:57:32,560 --> 00:57:35,160
Speaker 6: I think I would. Yeah, Like, I think I could

1090
00:57:35,160 --> 00:57:36,480
Speaker 6: make it work.

1091
00:57:36,840 --> 00:57:40,360
Speaker 1: Okay, Well that's that's something, so like I think you

1092
00:57:41,440 --> 00:57:44,200
Speaker 1: also something to know is like the people in your

1093
00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:48,080
Speaker 1: life that love you, they already know what the situation

1094
00:57:48,280 --> 00:57:52,080
Speaker 1: is and they're going to be very help more helpful

1095
00:57:52,120 --> 00:57:54,560
Speaker 1: than you know. When you reach out and ask for help.

1096
00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:56,480
Speaker 1: People really want to help you, that really love you,

1097
00:57:56,760 --> 00:57:59,000
Speaker 1: they do. So I think it's a time for you

1098
00:57:59,040 --> 00:58:01,600
Speaker 1: to think about who those people are in your life

1099
00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:04,240
Speaker 1: and ask for help. You're not going to need it forever,

1100
00:58:04,320 --> 00:58:06,680
Speaker 1: but you're going to need it for the transition, and

1101
00:58:06,720 --> 00:58:08,360
Speaker 1: you really have to take care of yourself.

1102
00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:09,080
Speaker 3: And I also just.

1103
00:58:09,040 --> 00:58:12,280
Speaker 1: Want to say, like, this is about not just you.

1104
00:58:12,480 --> 00:58:14,560
Speaker 1: This is about the health and happiness of your child.

1105
00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:18,280
Speaker 1: So sometimes when we can't defend ourselves like the way

1106
00:58:18,280 --> 00:58:20,720
Speaker 1: that we would for a child, a daughter, a sister,

1107
00:58:20,960 --> 00:58:24,160
Speaker 1: a mother, you have to think of this is her future.

1108
00:58:24,640 --> 00:58:27,880
Speaker 1: So you're doing the most loving thing for the future

1109
00:58:27,920 --> 00:58:30,640
Speaker 1: of her and the future that you have together. There's

1110
00:58:30,680 --> 00:58:33,240
Speaker 1: a whole world out there where you're going to feel

1111
00:58:33,280 --> 00:58:37,040
Speaker 1: loved and cherished and not in this situation. But it's

1112
00:58:37,080 --> 00:58:38,960
Speaker 1: going to take a couple It's going to take some

1113
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:40,640
Speaker 1: big moves on your part.

1114
00:58:40,720 --> 00:58:43,760
Speaker 2: Right, David, can you speak to I know you've talked

1115
00:58:43,760 --> 00:58:47,120
Speaker 2: about listening to your knowing and can you speak a

1116
00:58:47,200 --> 00:58:49,960
Speaker 2: little bit to that and how you experience that.

1117
00:58:50,960 --> 00:58:54,920
Speaker 5: Yeah. I mean, firstly, Evelyn, I can see the pain

1118
00:58:55,040 --> 00:58:57,520
Speaker 5: in your eyes. I can see the conflict. I can

1119
00:58:57,560 --> 00:59:02,000
Speaker 5: see that what you're going through is very difficult and

1120
00:59:02,600 --> 00:59:04,680
Speaker 5: just not easy in any way. And as Chelsea has

1121
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:08,120
Speaker 5: already alluded to, it's your child is part of a component.

1122
00:59:08,280 --> 00:59:11,320
Speaker 5: So you know, I don't want to be glib in

1123
00:59:11,400 --> 00:59:15,640
Speaker 5: relation to that. This is tough stuff. Again, I think

1124
00:59:15,680 --> 00:59:18,120
Speaker 5: you know the answer to your own question, but I

1125
00:59:18,160 --> 00:59:22,200
Speaker 5: think it's worth giving it context, which is that you

1126
00:59:22,360 --> 00:59:27,200
Speaker 5: have tried and tested this person and they are not

1127
00:59:27,360 --> 00:59:31,280
Speaker 5: to be trusted, and so you've already done the thing

1128
00:59:32,000 --> 00:59:37,040
Speaker 5: that is where love emanates from. I personally believe love

1129
00:59:37,080 --> 00:59:43,280
Speaker 5: is sacrifice, and that sacrifice sometimes manifests in let me

1130
00:59:43,280 --> 00:59:46,920
Speaker 5: meet this person where they're at let me give them

1131
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:50,320
Speaker 5: the benefit of the doubt, and if they have consistently

1132
00:59:50,560 --> 00:59:56,680
Speaker 5: not met that level of generosity and sacrifice to what

1133
00:59:57,880 --> 01:00:01,840
Speaker 5: they may be able to offer, then at some point

1134
01:00:02,760 --> 01:00:08,120
Speaker 5: the ability to trust them has gone. And that's you

1135
01:00:08,440 --> 01:00:14,280
Speaker 5: having done your part. If it was gossip or hearsay

1136
01:00:14,520 --> 01:00:16,960
Speaker 5: and you didn't know it for a fact, then we

1137
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:20,520
Speaker 5: would be here saying, well, have the conversation, you know,

1138
01:00:20,880 --> 01:00:24,920
Speaker 5: have couple's therapy or whatever. But it feels like that

1139
01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:28,680
Speaker 5: rubicon has been crossed over, so to speak. And so

1140
01:00:28,840 --> 01:00:32,480
Speaker 5: it's about self love. It's about how are you going

1141
01:00:32,520 --> 01:00:36,880
Speaker 5: to now love yourself and your child through to the

1142
01:00:36,960 --> 01:00:41,840
Speaker 5: other side of this, because I've personally witnessed people recently

1143
01:00:42,280 --> 01:00:48,840
Speaker 5: a friend of mine who stayed and everyone around them

1144
01:00:49,240 --> 01:00:52,080
Speaker 5: are just like you, just know, this is not going

1145
01:00:52,120 --> 01:00:55,080
Speaker 5: to be good. It's only going to continue to deteriorate.

1146
01:00:55,160 --> 01:00:58,520
Speaker 5: You're only putting off the inevitable because there's something that

1147
01:00:58,640 --> 01:01:02,480
Speaker 5: is broken, whether it's in the relationship or the individual.

1148
01:01:03,080 --> 01:01:06,720
Speaker 5: And it sounds to me that this person there is

1149
01:01:06,760 --> 01:01:10,280
Speaker 5: a brokenness in them that means that they are constantly

1150
01:01:10,320 --> 01:01:14,640
Speaker 5: looking for, whether it's self esteem, affirmation, whatever it is,

1151
01:01:15,120 --> 01:01:19,800
Speaker 5: that you are not providing them and cannot provide them.

1152
01:01:20,560 --> 01:01:23,360
Speaker 5: And that is something that you must not beat yourself

1153
01:01:24,000 --> 01:01:27,320
Speaker 5: over because I'm sure you have feelings of insecurity, feelings

1154
01:01:27,320 --> 01:01:30,240
Speaker 5: of shame, feelings of why wasn't I enough? Well, you

1155
01:01:30,280 --> 01:01:32,800
Speaker 5: will be enough for someone, but you will only get

1156
01:01:32,840 --> 01:01:36,040
Speaker 5: to that someone once you have cleared this slate. And

1157
01:01:36,120 --> 01:01:39,280
Speaker 5: so you know, my hope for you is that you

1158
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:41,600
Speaker 5: do make this step that you know you need to make,

1159
01:01:41,640 --> 01:01:44,120
Speaker 5: and that the sooner you make it, the sooner you

1160
01:01:44,120 --> 01:01:47,040
Speaker 5: will get through what will be a period of mourning,

1161
01:01:47,280 --> 01:01:51,240
Speaker 5: a period of pain, a period of maybe even some doubt,

1162
01:01:51,320 --> 01:01:53,840
Speaker 5: but you will come out the other side into something

1163
01:01:53,920 --> 01:01:57,040
Speaker 5: better because hopefully you'll take the experience of that, you'll

1164
01:01:57,080 --> 01:01:59,480
Speaker 5: know what the red flags are. There'll be more self

1165
01:01:59,520 --> 01:02:02,760
Speaker 5: love for you because you've made an act and a

1166
01:02:02,880 --> 01:02:07,960
Speaker 5: step that is based on loving yourself over your insecurity

1167
01:02:08,200 --> 01:02:10,640
Speaker 5: that makes you stay in a bad situation and that

1168
01:02:10,680 --> 01:02:13,160
Speaker 5: hopefully will be what will inform your next choices and

1169
01:02:13,200 --> 01:02:14,280
Speaker 5: your next relationship.

1170
01:02:14,600 --> 01:02:14,800
Speaker 6: Right.

1171
01:02:15,280 --> 01:02:17,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, and Evelyn, I just want to encourage you, like

1172
01:02:17,960 --> 01:02:21,400
Speaker 2: this is big scary stuff. These are huge changes that

1173
01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:23,400
Speaker 2: you would be making in your life and in your

1174
01:02:23,440 --> 01:02:27,200
Speaker 2: daughter's life, But you are brave enough for this. You

1175
01:02:28,080 --> 01:02:31,080
Speaker 2: are brave even just taking these first steps of like

1176
01:02:31,240 --> 01:02:34,000
Speaker 2: is this the right choice? Reaching out? That is brave

1177
01:02:34,720 --> 01:02:36,720
Speaker 2: and I believe that you're brave enough to handle this.

1178
01:02:37,360 --> 01:02:40,760
Speaker 6: Thank you. And I think my biggest fear is like

1179
01:02:40,880 --> 01:02:44,320
Speaker 6: losing time with her, because right now I'm one hundred

1180
01:02:44,320 --> 01:02:46,720
Speaker 6: percent of the time with her, and if I made

1181
01:02:46,720 --> 01:02:50,000
Speaker 6: this move, it would be working all the time and

1182
01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:53,480
Speaker 6: then fifty to fifty split And then I think, I

1183
01:02:53,560 --> 01:02:55,920
Speaker 6: go back and forth in my mind. Is it better

1184
01:02:56,080 --> 01:03:00,120
Speaker 6: for me to hang on now to be with her

1185
01:03:00,720 --> 01:03:04,680
Speaker 6: all the time or is that just me being selfish?

1186
01:03:04,760 --> 01:03:07,480
Speaker 1: I think the time that you're going to gain more

1187
01:03:07,560 --> 01:03:10,280
Speaker 1: time with her by making a healthier decision for both

1188
01:03:10,320 --> 01:03:13,640
Speaker 1: of you in the future, like this period that you're

1189
01:03:13,640 --> 01:03:16,440
Speaker 1: about to enter, maybe you won't be spending as much

1190
01:03:16,440 --> 01:03:18,400
Speaker 1: time with her as you want, but in the long

1191
01:03:18,480 --> 01:03:21,600
Speaker 1: run it will pay off, Like you're going to get

1192
01:03:21,760 --> 01:03:24,600
Speaker 1: the quality of time is going to be better than

1193
01:03:24,600 --> 01:03:26,760
Speaker 1: the quality of time you have now because now you're

1194
01:03:26,840 --> 01:03:29,840
Speaker 1: kind of shielding protecting her in a sense, and you're

1195
01:03:29,960 --> 01:03:34,080
Speaker 1: in this state, but your happiness is going to permeate

1196
01:03:34,160 --> 01:03:36,960
Speaker 1: her life, and your peace of mind is going to

1197
01:03:36,960 --> 01:03:39,840
Speaker 1: have a huge impact on your daughter, So we want

1198
01:03:40,040 --> 01:03:42,240
Speaker 1: you to be happy and healthy for the sake of

1199
01:03:42,240 --> 01:03:42,720
Speaker 1: your daughter.

1200
01:03:42,800 --> 01:03:44,760
Speaker 3: Also not just for the sake of you.

1201
01:03:45,000 --> 01:03:47,560
Speaker 1: That is hugely important, but it's both of you that

1202
01:03:47,640 --> 01:03:48,520
Speaker 1: you're thinking about.

1203
01:03:48,760 --> 01:03:52,000
Speaker 3: So like, yes, like this is all going to be.

1204
01:03:52,520 --> 01:03:53,600
Speaker 3: It will be the right.

1205
01:03:53,440 --> 01:03:56,320
Speaker 1: Decision down the road, it'll it won't feel like it

1206
01:03:56,320 --> 01:03:58,200
Speaker 1: when you're going through these difficult things, but you do

1207
01:03:58,240 --> 01:03:59,840
Speaker 1: have the strength and you do have the courage to

1208
01:03:59,840 --> 01:04:03,120
Speaker 1: do it, and you're going to get Your relationship with

1209
01:04:03,160 --> 01:04:06,560
Speaker 1: her is going to show it in spades when you're

1210
01:04:06,560 --> 01:04:12,120
Speaker 1: in a different situation. So please keep us posted about

1211
01:04:12,440 --> 01:04:17,080
Speaker 1: what happens. Okay, let us know, Okay, okay, okay, take care,

1212
01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:17,640
Speaker 1: Thank you.

1213
01:04:18,640 --> 01:04:19,000
Speaker 5: Bless you.

1214
01:04:19,080 --> 01:04:19,920
Speaker 6: Okay, thank you.

1215
01:04:24,760 --> 01:04:26,000
Speaker 3: Wow, that was pretty serious.

1216
01:04:26,120 --> 01:04:29,440
Speaker 1: Okay, I thank you for your time today, David. You

1217
01:04:29,480 --> 01:04:30,360
Speaker 1: were so wonderful.

1218
01:04:30,480 --> 01:04:32,920
Speaker 3: Look listen to you talk all day long.

1219
01:04:33,560 --> 01:04:37,520
Speaker 5: Oh, thank you. Well. Likewise, I loved this conversation. I've

1220
01:04:37,560 --> 01:04:40,760
Speaker 5: listened to your podcast. What I love, love, love about

1221
01:04:40,760 --> 01:04:46,040
Speaker 5: it is the combination of lightness but also how you

1222
01:04:46,200 --> 01:04:49,840
Speaker 5: just go straight for the guts of something and you

1223
01:04:49,880 --> 01:04:53,240
Speaker 5: know people you've talked to, people who you know like

1224
01:04:53,360 --> 01:04:56,560
Speaker 5: you are funny people, people who you have this perception

1225
01:04:56,640 --> 01:04:59,960
Speaker 5: of who they are. But whether it's therapy or relationships,

1226
01:05:00,120 --> 01:05:04,360
Speaker 5: religion or sex, so you know, addiction or it's just

1227
01:05:04,720 --> 01:05:06,600
Speaker 5: I just love that you get into the guts of it.

1228
01:05:06,720 --> 01:05:09,560
Speaker 5: So this is I feel honored to have been there,

1229
01:05:09,720 --> 01:05:10,400
Speaker 5: been on the show.

1230
01:05:11,320 --> 01:05:13,480
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Thank you, and I can't wait

1231
01:05:13,520 --> 01:05:19,200
Speaker 1: to come over to your house for Lunch's newest movie

1232
01:05:19,600 --> 01:05:23,160
Speaker 1: is called Newborn and it is out in playing at

1233
01:05:23,200 --> 01:05:25,560
Speaker 1: AMC theaters right now.

1234
01:05:25,400 --> 01:05:28,200
Speaker 3: So go see it. I watched it. It's fucking great.

1235
01:05:28,720 --> 01:05:31,360
Speaker 3: And David, I will see you soon.

1236
01:05:31,920 --> 01:05:33,680
Speaker 5: Yes, see you on Thursday at my house.

1237
01:05:34,840 --> 01:05:36,920
Speaker 3: I'll be there, Bye bye bye.

1238
01:05:37,040 --> 01:05:38,640
Speaker 5: Thank you so much. Bless you.

1239
01:05:39,320 --> 01:05:42,080
Speaker 2: If you want advice from Chelsea, right into Dear Chelsea

1240
01:05:42,120 --> 01:05:45,480
Speaker 2: podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production

1241
01:05:45,680 --> 01:05:49,520
Speaker 2: of iHeartMedia. Follow Chelsea on All socials at Chelsea Handler,

1242
01:05:49,600 --> 01:05:53,080
Speaker 2: and find Catherine on TikTok at flash Cadabra. Dear Chelsea

1243
01:05:53,240 --> 01:05:57,480
Speaker 2: is edited and engineered by Brandon Dickert executive producer Catherine Law.

1244
01:05:57,760 --> 01:06:01,000
Speaker 2: Find full video episodes and minisos now on Netflix and

1245
01:06:01,040 --> 01:06:03,560
Speaker 2: get tickets to see Chelsea Live at Chelseah Hammler dot

1246
01:06:03,600 --> 01:06:10,040
Speaker 2: com