Speaker 1: You're listening to comedy.
Speaker 2: Central America celebrates Earth Day, only three hundred.
Speaker 3: And sixty three shopping days until next Earth Day. Al
Speaker 3: Gored and Leonardo DiCaprio joined forces in Washington Saturday celebrating
Speaker 3: the thirtieth anniversary.
Speaker 2: Of Earth Day.
Speaker 3: The celebration was held amidst a rock festival atmosphere, except
Speaker 3: there was no rock, no festival, and as we all
Speaker 3: learned from the speakers, no atmosphere.
Speaker 4: We have to make the next ten years the environment
Speaker 4: decade in America and around the world. We have to
Speaker 4: stand against the apologists for pollution, those who believe in
Speaker 4: the old politics of environmental irresponsibility.
Speaker 3: Inspiring words from a man who's nineteen ninety two bestseller
Speaker 3: Earth in the Balance now sits in landfills across the country.
Speaker 3: The crowd was also treated to the music of David Crosby,
Speaker 3: who was then treated to the sound of people heading
Speaker 3: over to the Smithsonian too see Archie Bunker's Chair. Leonardo
Speaker 3: DiCaprio's much debated Bill Clinton interview also aired this weekend.
Speaker 3: The President took Leo on a tour of the dimly
Speaker 3: lit and romantic White House.
Speaker 4: We started a project here at the White House called
Speaker 4: the greening of the White House.
Speaker 5: Just by changing the lighting in this whole building, we
Speaker 5: lowered our electric bills by one hundred thousand.
Speaker 4: Dollars a year.
Speaker 5: Wow.
Speaker 3: After blowing his wow wod, early, DiCaprio scoured his journalist's
Speaker 3: handbook further stinging retorts like geez and awesome and can
Speaker 3: a play? I get a table dance? The day after
Speaker 3: Thanksgiving you feel stuffed, The day after Valentine's Day loved
Speaker 3: or angry, And the day after Earth Day you feel
Speaker 3: mildly embarrassed that you forgot yesterday was Earth Day. Our
Speaker 3: sambe has another.
Speaker 6: Take Planet Earth. We can't seem to do enough for it.
Speaker 6: We celebrate it, clean it. We even featured Leo in
Speaker 6: an issue of Vanity Fair about it and for all
Speaker 6: we do? How does Mother Earth treat us with a
Speaker 6: human kill rate of one hundred percent? Mother Nature is
Speaker 6: one ungrateful horror. Clearly the Earth hates our freedom. But
Speaker 6: try telling that to the blame human's first crowd. All right,
Speaker 6: So here I am at Earth Day talking to some
Speaker 6: stupid hippie about some stupid too.
Speaker 7: The Earth isn't doing anything bad. We're doing the bad
Speaker 7: things to the earth.
Speaker 3: Okay, isn't a little.
Speaker 7: Childish to talk about who's started what when and who's doing.
Speaker 3: What to whom.
Speaker 6: The point is in this war, we have to win it.
Speaker 8: You know what.
Speaker 3: We're really psyched about this product.
Speaker 9: It's new from Stonyfield, comes in several different flavors or
Speaker 9: strawberry banana.
Speaker 6: Should it taste like feet?
Speaker 10: Oh? Really?
Speaker 8: Okay?
Speaker 6: Well, when you suckled at your mother's taint, did molten
Speaker 6: hot lava pour out into your mouth?
Speaker 9: We've got five percent of the population using twenty five
Speaker 9: percent of the natural resources, louting thirty percent of the earth,
Speaker 9: and so that's a failed system.
Speaker 3: Do you do pushups?
Speaker 8: I know I got people come out and.
Speaker 10: We raise awareness and were being safe.
Speaker 6: To win this war, we may need science. So I
Speaker 6: met with an essacalematologist, Gavin Schmidt, to find out how
Speaker 6: we can learn from our past mistakes. I'm just an
Speaker 6: average person without access to an earthquake, ray or a
Speaker 6: death star. How can I join the fight against Earth?
Speaker 6: I really couldn't tell you. Statistically, aren't Americans more likely
Speaker 6: to get hit by lightning than attacked by terrorists?
Speaker 7: I think that's true?
Speaker 6: Then can we afford not to have a war en lightning.
Speaker 6: It'd be difficult to do. That's what they said about
Speaker 6: destroying the ozone layer. But score one for humans.
Speaker 3: Actually, the ozone layre is well on its way to recovery.
Speaker 5: Damn it.
Speaker 6: Fortunately there is a way out.
Speaker 5: Today I announced a new plan to extend a human
Speaker 5: presence across our solar system with human missions to Mars
Speaker 5: and to worlds beyond.
Speaker 6: Until we can leave this box behind, Americans will need
Speaker 6: to make sacrifices, even if that means touring around the
Speaker 6: country in a private jet, giving energy guzzling PowerPoint presentations
Speaker 6: on some stupid crap and releasing a movie about it.
Speaker 6: In the end, we all have to do what we
Speaker 6: can to make the planet more livable. Four three days.
Speaker 8: You have to be a liver your back, Oh right.
Speaker 3: A news story falls through the cracks on Lewis Black
Speaker 3: catches it for a segment we call Back and Black.
Speaker 10: You can always tell it's Earth Day when the co
Speaker 10: two emissions from the world smokestacks start piling in comparison
Speaker 10: to celebrity emissions, telling us we can save the Earth
Speaker 10: if we start acting a little more like them. Just
Speaker 10: to ask Matt Damon, who contributed this tip to Oproot
Speaker 10: Winfrey's Earth Day special.
Speaker 11: I've got a great one for you. If your house
Speaker 11: is anything like mine, stop it's not.
Speaker 10: It's a lot smaller and it doesn't have an affleck
Speaker 10: shaped dent in the couch. Oprah herself showed off her
Speaker 10: Earth Day spirit by wearing a sweater she accidentally watched
Speaker 10: with her money had giving away earth friendly products to
Speaker 10: her audience.
Speaker 3: We're gonna bring out the bulb.
Speaker 9: So you can have a light.
Speaker 10: That's bob ooh, a light bulb giveaway. Huh do you
Speaker 10: really think that'll undo the environmental damage caused by this?
Speaker 10: Over On ABC twenty twenty, both documented and lived out
Speaker 10: Mankind's excess by flying reporters to file live reports from
Speaker 10: six of the seven.
Speaker 8: Continents every second of every single day, thousands of trees.
Speaker 3: Are being cut down.
Speaker 8: In fact, in just the one minute that I've been talking,
Speaker 8: an area of the size of sixty football fields has
Speaker 8: been wiped out.
Speaker 10: That for God's sakes, stop talking your name, Blacker is
Speaker 10: raping the Earth. Host Diane Sawyer talked to a scientist
Speaker 10: from Antarctica and found out it's calling.
Speaker 11: You can step outside for a few seconds, but you
Speaker 11: certainly don't want to stand around for a minute or two.
Speaker 11: You get frost fitting very quickly at these temperatures.
Speaker 8: So is your pole thinning?
Speaker 10: I'll tell you right now, if I go through the
Speaker 10: trouble of placing a satellite call just to hear Diane
Speaker 10: Sawyer's voice, she better not thin my pole. Still, my
Speaker 10: favorite Earth Day is speciel had to be this. If
Speaker 10: my Ride, a show devoted to creating the least efficient
Speaker 10: vehicles in human history, have the nerve to throw its
Speaker 10: own Earth Day celebration on Sunday, you.
Speaker 11: Probably want to add that, Mike, are there really any
Speaker 11: benefits of using bio diesels?
Speaker 5: Hell?
Speaker 8: Yeah, this stuff produces nazy diesel emissions by almost eighty percent.
Speaker 7: It ends as it rain, which I personally love because
Speaker 7: I hate it.
Speaker 10: Be ash, get some shame. Cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.
Speaker 10: Any other final thoughts.
Speaker 9: If everybody used recycled tissue, even you would have millions
Speaker 9: of trees.
Speaker 3: Still on the ground.
Speaker 1: I just want you to go now, move to a
Speaker 1: cloth bag, use less gasoline.
Speaker 4: There are kind of little things that you can do
Speaker 4: and do.
Speaker 11: Something wonderful for your life and get rid of this
Speaker 11: young com So there you have it, advice on saving
Speaker 11: planet Earth from a bunch of people who couldn't even
Speaker 11: save planet Hollywood.
Speaker 3: Now we saw President Bush in the Great Outdoors. He
Speaker 3: talked about how he loves owning his branch in Texas.
Speaker 3: Clearly he's a friend of the environment. But who else is?
Speaker 3: As Matt Wallash recently found out, the Earth's best friend
Speaker 3: may well be the logging industry.
Speaker 8: For decades, children have been enchanted by Doctor Seuss's silly
Speaker 8: tales from the Cat in the Hat and Horton hears
Speaker 8: a who to later stories like the Lorax.
Speaker 1: I'll never forget the grim look on his face La
Speaker 1: when he hoisted himself and took leave of this month.
Speaker 8: He's holding his butt.
Speaker 1: He's hoisting his himself by the seat of the case.
Speaker 10: He's holding his butt.
Speaker 8: But Terry Burke Att, a concerned mother of two, says
Speaker 8: there's more to the lorax than meets the eye.
Speaker 1: The lorax is being used to present a very preservationist
Speaker 1: point of view that we were running out of trees.
Speaker 1: I had no idea.
Speaker 8: Could the warm and fuzzy lorax actually be a radical
Speaker 8: tree hu bugger held bent on destroying the wood products industry.
Speaker 8: Burkett says this is yet another example of moneyed special
Speaker 8: interests gone too far.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of money in the hands of environmental organizations,
Speaker 1: and the wood products industry is basically busy going to
Speaker 1: work every day, and they have not had the money
Speaker 1: to get their story out.
Speaker 8: Yes, with only billions in revenue to work with, mom
Speaker 8: and pop companies like Warehouser and International Paper have been
Speaker 8: backed into a corner. So Burkett drew on her experience
Speaker 8: as a mother and as an assistant plant manager for
Speaker 8: wood flooring manufacturer to write a book that teachers children
Speaker 8: cutting down trees makes the forest happy. She called it
Speaker 8: true Ax.
Speaker 1: People in the wood products industry are environmentalists, and that's
Speaker 1: what I try to get across in TRUEX.
Speaker 8: Her book got picked up by a boutique indie publisher
Speaker 8: called the National Old Flooring Manufacturers Association, and with nearly
Speaker 8: half a million copies in print, True Ax is fast
Speaker 8: replacing lower axe classrooms across America.
Speaker 6: I'm true X the loger.
Speaker 5: I harvest these trees for ball bats and houses and
Speaker 5: things such as these, and.
Speaker 8: The kids love it.
Speaker 6: Bo diversity. Will this still be there when the trees
Speaker 6: have been flung.
Speaker 8: But in any good wood products curriculum, reading materials must
Speaker 8: be supplemented with hands on learning. Everything I'm showing you
Speaker 8: today is waterproof. Okay, it's gonna last your lifetime. It's
Speaker 8: an investment, but it last your lifetime. Now, when you
Speaker 8: get Venetian blinds, you're gonna want to match the blinds
Speaker 8: to the floor, and.
Speaker 10: You don't want them to contrast.
Speaker 8: Okay, and remember the blinds match the floor. Say that
Speaker 8: the blinds match the floor. Kids seem to really appreciate
Speaker 8: the wood products industry. So why didn't doctor seuss I
Speaker 8: put that question to a sous spokesman. So you speak
Speaker 8: for the trees, correct?
Speaker 3: I am the lure actual for the trees.
Speaker 8: Well, I have a copy of your most recent tax return,
Speaker 8: and it's seems to me you do more than just
Speaker 8: speak for the trees.
Speaker 10: I'm also in charge of the brown Barbeluch who played
Speaker 10: in the shade in that Barbelouch shoots.
Speaker 8: How do you respond to allegations that you're just a
Speaker 8: hired gun who will work for any organization that will
Speaker 8: pay you. You're nothing more than a two bitch shill.
Speaker 3: Listen to me, I am the lort I don't have.
Speaker 10: To answer questions, list interviews.
Speaker 8: Over where are you going?
Speaker 1: Bosh?
Speaker 8: Who else do you work for?
Speaker 3: You're away from me, newsman. Friday, April twenty second was
Speaker 3: Earth Day, not, of course oddly enough, April twenty second
Speaker 3: is the day in twenty twelve on which the Earth
Speaker 3: will end.
Speaker 5: You heard of?
Speaker 3: Your first President Bush marked the event by riding his
Speaker 3: airborne suv to Tennessee to visit the Great Smoking Mountains,
Speaker 3: ironically our nation's most looted national park, but he wound
Speaker 3: up stuck on the tarmac due to a sudden burst
Speaker 3: of hail and thunderstorms. Because the Earth hates him so much,
Speaker 3: so long, but the President soldiered on with a speech,
Speaker 3: making a slight adjustment intense in the park.
Speaker 5: Had I been there, how to remind of people today's
Speaker 5: Earth Day?
Speaker 3: But since since I'm not there, let me let me
Speaker 3: skip right ahead to talking about our good friend, the
Speaker 3: high sulfur coal plant.
Speaker 5: We didn't create this earth, but we have an obligation
Speaker 5: to to protect it. One of the interesting things about
Speaker 5: our nation is that since nineteen seventy the air is
Speaker 5: cleaner and the water's more pure, and we used our
Speaker 5: land better and our economy has grown a lie.
Speaker 3: And then and then, and then, and then I showed
Speaker 3: up the whole thing. The whole thing went to Ida.
Speaker 3: The whole thing went went Now, if you didn't notice
Speaker 3: Majority Leader Bill Frist, the company, the President on the trip. Now,
Speaker 3: I'm going to replace some of the tape, keep your
Speaker 3: eye on Senator Bill Frist as the President speaks.
Speaker 5: We didn't create this earth, but we have an obligation
Speaker 5: to protect it. One of the interesting things about our
Speaker 5: nation is that since nineteen seventy the air is cleaner
Speaker 5: and the water is more pure, and we're using our land.
Speaker 5: Better help me, you know, I.
Speaker 3: Was not there. Obviously, I wasn't there, and I was
Speaker 3: only watching this on videotape, so I am not really
Speaker 3: qualified to give a diagnosis. But it seems to me
Speaker 3: that Bill Frist was in a persistent vegetative state.
Speaker 11: I don't know that to feel about.
Speaker 3: Of course, the biggest never give an audience candy. The
Speaker 3: biggest environmental battle these days is over the proposal to
Speaker 3: drill in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and those opposed
Speaker 3: to it are mobilized, and by mobilized, I mean armed
Speaker 3: with meringue. This weekend in front of the capital. Ice
Speaker 3: cream moguls Ben and Jerry created the world's largest baked Alaska,
Speaker 3: presumably to weigh's awareness about the on war legislation now
Speaker 3: moving through Congress. There you have it, the state of
Speaker 3: liberal opposition in this country. We're very angry. Would anyone
Speaker 3: care for ice cream? Saturday was the thirty sixth annual
Speaker 3: Earth Day, and who better to celebrate the Earth than
Speaker 3: the man who owns it. President George W. Bush visited
Speaker 3: a clean energy research consortium in Sacramento with a message
Speaker 3: of hope.
Speaker 5: This nation does not have to choose between a strong
Speaker 5: economy and a clean environment.
Speaker 3: You'll get neither.
Speaker 8: In like it.
Speaker 3: Now mean U beget out. Of course, no Earthday speech
Speaker 3: would be complete without mentioning the administration's favorite environmental pipe dream.
Speaker 5: I believe that today's shown will one day take your
Speaker 5: driver's test and a hydrogen powered pollution free car.
Speaker 3: And I believe teenagers from Barlow's hydrogen cars from their
Speaker 3: future parents without permission and stay out past space curfew
Speaker 3: robonecking with their cyborg boar friends. Thought of that when
Speaker 3: I was on a bicycle, and aside from the President,
Speaker 3: well as best we can tell. Only one other place
Speaker 3: acknowledged Earth Day, the Cartoon Network's Boomerang channel, which aired
Speaker 3: thirteen lost episodes of the early nineties pro environment cartoon
Speaker 3: Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
Speaker 8: How many things in your home are made from trees, furniture, bullets,
Speaker 8: baseball vats, even your houses floor in framing?
Speaker 5: Gee?
Speaker 3: Why didn't that ever take off? Mommy? I want to
Speaker 3: be the superhero that tells us what our house is
Speaker 3: made of. Don't taunt me? And what was Earth doing
Speaker 3: in the run up to Earth Day? Well over the
Speaker 3: last week it gave us volcano erupting in Peru, earthquakes
Speaker 3: in Tibet, Indonesian, Japan, freak tornadoes in America in the Philippines,
Speaker 3: floods in Hungary, Romanian, Malaysia and Kenya, wildfires in Colorado,
Speaker 3: and a Category five super cyclone about to destroy Darwin, Australia.
Speaker 3: You know, Earth, could you meet me over at camera three? Please? Hey,
Speaker 3: Earth has it going so? I guess kissing your ass
Speaker 3: doesn't work. We call you, beautiful, precious Mother your own day,
Speaker 3: just like veterans and groundhogs. Even named your planet of
Speaker 3: the Year in nineteen eighty eight, even though by any
Speaker 3: objective estimation. That was Neptune's year. We tried to make nice.
Speaker 3: And what do you do? Not only do you kill
Speaker 3: us in a thousand different ways, but when we raise
Speaker 3: your temperature.
Speaker 7: Just a degree, one little degree, it's so hot over
Speaker 7: ice caps are naughty, they're pussy.
Speaker 3: I got news for you, Earth, You ain't the only
Speaker 3: rock in the neighborhood, you know what I'm saying. We
Speaker 3: got pictures. You seen the moon, very nice. We've been
Speaker 3: there several times. You know, they've already got a golf course.
Speaker 3: Then there's Mars, a little red, a little rocky. It's
Speaker 3: a perfect fixer upper. We got a titan out by Saturn,
Speaker 3: very similar atmosphere to you, other than it's two undred
Speaker 3: ninety degrees fahrenheit below zero. But we're working on space jackets.
Speaker 3: We're through sucking up to you home planet. You want
Speaker 3: to fight, bring it on, bitch, because at this moment,
Speaker 3: I am declaring April twenty fifth the Earth Day. That's right.
Speaker 10: What are you gonna do about that?
Speaker 3: That's going to be a day to drive your half
Speaker 3: mile per hour gallon humskalade while spraying aquanetic baby seals.
Speaker 3: You know why, because We're not going out, baby, We're
Speaker 3: not going out like the Dinosaur's my brother. Without us,
Speaker 3: you're nothing but a billion year old, self sustaining, self regulating,
Speaker 3: organic eden and complete harmony with itself, So fuck you.
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