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Speaker 1: This is intergalactic John, This is Alien Sam on the

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Speaker 1: International Okay Storytime podcast station, and we have some human

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Speaker 1: stories coming up, not alien, but before we make a landing,

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Speaker 1: stick around for this two minute not alien ad break

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Speaker 1: before we get to these interstellar stories.

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Speaker 2: My boss laughed about cutting my pay, but I got revenge.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, you did.

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Speaker 2: I had so much respect for my manager until I

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Speaker 2: realized she's a flying monkey to our CEO and possibly

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Speaker 2: a self absorbed person herself. People started leaving after a

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Speaker 2: court case was revealed last year, and I keep having

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Speaker 2: to remind myself that their treatment of me wasn't just

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Speaker 2: because they were overwhelmed. These were active choices they made.

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Speaker 2: By the way, this comes from in need of knowledge,

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Speaker 2: and if you want us to make your own stories,

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Speaker 2: go to the r slash Okay Storytime subreddit.

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Speaker 3: I'm Carly and I'm Anjie, and we're here.

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Speaker 2: To give good advice. Goofully, But we don't have all

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Speaker 2: the answers. We only know what we would do, So

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Speaker 2: let us know what you would do in the comments.

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Speaker 2: And Opie says the passive aggression and subtle put downs

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Speaker 2: became too much. It felt like psychological warfare and I

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Speaker 2: had to convince myself I wasn't crazy. When my pay

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Speaker 2: was decreased and I requested clarity with number breakdowns, it

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Speaker 2: was like a switch flipped. My review was suddenly moved

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Speaker 2: up per my request, and HR was added to the meeting.

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Speaker 2: It's also the little thing the past couple of weeks

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Speaker 2: my manager asked me to edit a document, then sent

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Speaker 2: me a different template two or three times, saying she

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Speaker 2: changed her mind seemingly just to waste my time. Or

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Speaker 2: she'd ask me to reach out to somebody, then tell

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Speaker 2: me to say never mind, because I should have known

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Speaker 2: we didn't need it.

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Speaker 3: But you're my boss, and you told me to do this, right.

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Speaker 2: What do you mean I should know that we didn't

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Speaker 2: need it?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? What?

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Speaker 2: These instances didn't frustrate me on their own, but I

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Speaker 2: could feel the animosity and base behind them. I hit

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Speaker 2: my breaking point yesterday when I was asked what I

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Speaker 2: was complaining about now, Oh my god. After being quieter

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Speaker 2: than usual, I'd gotten a call that morning that my

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Speaker 2: family member was passing away. I had out of office

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Speaker 2: work meetings the rest of the day per my manager's request,

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Speaker 2: and she got upset that I wasn't coming back to

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Speaker 2: the office afterward, saying I should have let her know

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Speaker 2: I was leaving early. I made it clear I wasn't

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Speaker 2: taking a lunch break because these tasks would take up

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Speaker 2: my afternoon, but to let me know if I needed

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Speaker 2: to go to the office instead. She stopped after that.

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Speaker 2: I'm hoping to leave soon, but it's awful realizing you

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Speaker 2: spent years working for people who mistreated their authority and

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Speaker 2: took out their frustrations on employees instead of improving the company.

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Speaker 2: There's so much more that happened, and I'm ashamed I

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Speaker 2: put up with this for as long as I did.

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Speaker 2: I almost feel scared posting this because somebody might tell

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Speaker 2: me I'm wrong about these people, but I know I'm right.

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Speaker 2: Comments what's worse is realizing it, but then making excuses

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Speaker 2: for it and getting tricked again and again. That's what

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Speaker 2: happened to me. I was finally able to get out

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Speaker 2: six weeks ago, but I'm still sorting through all the

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Speaker 2: stuff I let myself put up with. The truth is

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Speaker 2: my self absorbed boss was so cunning and could turn

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Speaker 2: up the charm when needed, and truthfully, I was trying

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Speaker 2: to protect myself, so I let a lot go. I

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Speaker 2: didn't have a choice but to be tricked. All I

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Speaker 2: can do is echo doctor Romani and say it's not you.

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Speaker 2: They've been doing this and they'll continue to do this.

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Speaker 2: It's not your fault that you didn't see it. We're

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Speaker 2: a human and either we want to believe the best

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Speaker 2: in others me or we do what we can to

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Speaker 2: get by in our social situations. Sometimes that means chalking

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Speaker 2: up bad behavior to workflow. We have an update. Oh boy,

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Speaker 2: but uh hmmm, yeah, that's a lot.

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Speaker 3: That is a lot. It's very frustrating. It's like these

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Speaker 3: are the people in charge, yeah, that are supposed to

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Speaker 3: be like helping you, and they're actively going against that.

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Speaker 3: I had a job at.

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Speaker 2: One point where they tried to claim that I was

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Speaker 2: leaving early and I was like it went on for

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Speaker 2: a while and I was like, oh, it's like five thirty,

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Speaker 2: Like this is a nine to five job. Yeah, I'm

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Speaker 2: not even taking the lunch that I'm already thirty minutes

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Speaker 2: over and they would get so so mad, and finally

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Speaker 2: just got to the point that I was like, when

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Speaker 2: do you want me to leave? What hours are ideal

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Speaker 2: for you?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: And they kind of were like taken aback by it

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Speaker 2: and they're like, oh, like like six thirty.

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Speaker 3: Oh.

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Speaker 2: I was like great, and that's all you had to say.

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Speaker 3: Just ask me to say, like, oh my gosh.

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Speaker 2: But we have an update. My annual review was yesterday,

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Speaker 2: moved up per my request because I'd asked for numbers

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Speaker 2: regarding my pay decrease.

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Speaker 3: Also forgot oh he had paidac that's right.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and they're doing this.

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Speaker 3: Ah.

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Speaker 2: I'd held my own and actually got a decent raise,

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Speaker 2: probably because we have no employees left and they need me.

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Speaker 3: Oh my god.

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Speaker 2: I'm proud of how professionally I handled this conversation, considering

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Speaker 2: the masks were now. It was very difficult and ameaning.

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Speaker 2: My manager laughed about my decrease and said I just

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Speaker 2: needed to do some math because I'd started by saying

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Speaker 2: I was confused. I stared neutrally at her and said

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Speaker 2: nothing until she picked the conversation back up. It was

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Speaker 2: insanely awkward for her and felt amazing.

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Speaker 3: That's a great way to go about it. Yeah, I

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Speaker 3: was just gonna say it just silent figure collaborate on that,

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Speaker 3: Like what do you mean?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't say this previously in the story, but

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Speaker 2: I'm going back to school in the fall. They know this,

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Speaker 2: and I even offered to help train somebody during my

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Speaker 2: review since I'll be busy in a few months. I

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Speaker 2: was genuinely trying to make the next few weeks easier

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Speaker 2: on both me and my employers. Important context, we have

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Speaker 2: Friday's work from home, I don't take lunch breaks when

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Speaker 2: I'm at the office, and I also work weekends as needed.

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Speaker 2: I'm always available when these people needed me. I've pretty

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Speaker 2: much never said no to helping out. In her recap email,

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Speaker 2: she let me know in the last paragraph that since

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Speaker 2: I mentioned feeling busy, I could alleviate this by working

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Speaker 2: ten hour days or coming back to the office on Friday.

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Speaker 2: Since this schedule doesn't work for everyone, and she's just

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Speaker 2: throwing out a few ideas to help. I know this

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Speaker 2: might seem like a normal boss thing to say, but

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Speaker 2: it would single me out when I already worked this schedule.

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Speaker 2: I describe just pushing the responsibility back on me, or

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Speaker 2: trying to guilt trip me into working harder instead of

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Speaker 2: fixing the actual problem a short term power play that's

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Speaker 2: only going to hurt her, because shocker, I'm not doing that.

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Speaker 2: This woman would drown without me there. I've saved her

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Speaker 2: over and over again the past three years with little

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Speaker 2: in return because I had respect for her and didn't

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Speaker 2: understand she was setting me up to fail in the

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Speaker 2: long run. I have a bunch of meetings on my

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Speaker 2: calendar next week for duties she is passing off to me.

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Speaker 2: I've never not worked on my PTO paid time off days,

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Speaker 2: nothing crazy but answering the phone and emails as needed. Well,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to an important and saddening funeral this weekend,

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Speaker 2: as they know. What she doesn't know is that I'm

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Speaker 2: also taking PTO the entire next week and silencing my phone,

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Speaker 2: email and work line. She thought she could guilt or

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Speaker 2: intimidate me into submission, but she's about to understand what

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Speaker 2: it's like without me there. I don't care if I'm

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Speaker 2: fired because I've put enough research into my exit plan

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Speaker 2: and am in a comfortable place to be let go.

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Speaker 2: They can if they want, but they're already in a

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Speaker 2: horrible position. My plan going forward is to take a

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Speaker 2: PTO day anytime she's rude or passive aggressive to me

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Speaker 2: until I either don't have any left and I have

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Speaker 2: a lot, or I quit or get fired. If they'd

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Speaker 2: just been kind to me. I would have trained somebody

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Speaker 2: at my new rate, but now I'll be requiring a bonus.

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Speaker 2: I would have done a lot of things if I

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Speaker 2: was shown some basic human decency. I'm checked out emotionally,

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Speaker 2: and I've already won the long game. I'm pretty happy.

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Speaker 2: I'm not telling anybody in my office where I go

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Speaker 2: to school or work next until much much after I leave,

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Speaker 2: if at all. This chapter will be behind me soon

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Speaker 2: and these pathetic people will be nothing to me. I

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Speaker 2: have some comments.

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Speaker 3: They will be nothing to me nothing.

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Speaker 2: Commenter one, excellent job. Using silence as a tool to

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Speaker 2: gain power and a dynamic is extremely powerful. I've done

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Speaker 2: the same, and it's amazing to see how the power

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Speaker 2: instantly shifts to you. It's awesome that you're willing to

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Speaker 2: use your leverage of being willing to leave and using

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Speaker 2: PTO days to your advantage. The cards are in your

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Speaker 2: hands and they can't afford to lose you. Absolutely demand

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Speaker 2: a bonus to train someone new. They would use everything

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Speaker 2: in their power to extract everything they can out of you.

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Speaker 2: Why shouldn't you do the same? Commenter two. Making her

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Speaker 2: feel awkward must have been a highlight for you. I

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Speaker 2: had a situation with a former manager that takes glee

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Speaker 2: when writing someone up and then delivering it to them.

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Speaker 2: At some point, most, if not everyone, had been written

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Speaker 2: for things, whether relevant or not, including me. I kept

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Speaker 2: pointing out a few things that didn't make sense, and

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Speaker 2: I finally, very firmly said, oh, I didn't know that

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Speaker 2: our personal time off the clock was allowed to be

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Speaker 2: looked at by the company. Is that in the company handbook?

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Speaker 2: She knew she messed up? A few months later, ooh

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Speaker 2: you got her. Wow, we got an update. Actually, oh wow,

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Speaker 2: oh boy?

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Speaker 3: Are you thinking? Yeah, dude, you've got it. Yeah, I

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Speaker 3: think I mean she said that she left a few

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Speaker 3: months later, right, so so you're out of there. She's

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Speaker 3: gone gone in. Yeah, but I think that's like the

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Speaker 3: best way to go, just like, oh, this isn't right.

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Speaker 3: This is not how we're supposed to worry. This is

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Speaker 3: not in the rules, so you cannot complain about me

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Speaker 3: doing this.

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Speaker 2: I love when people use like, fine, if you want

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Speaker 2: to play by the rules, I will play so closely

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Speaker 2: by the ruols that you're annoyed by it. Yeah, exactly, Like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I'll take my PTO and I will actually be fully

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Speaker 2: out of office cannot reachch me.

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Speaker 3: Right, you go, girl, you go?

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Speaker 2: We have an update. Okay, update two. My boss resigned

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Speaker 2: a month after I did. Whooa. I've moved cities and

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Speaker 2: started my new job, so I'm happy overall, but floored

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Speaker 2: by the text I got from my old coworker yesterday.

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Speaker 2: After months of alittle men, name calling, trying to get

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Speaker 2: me to do shady stuff to our books, and making

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Speaker 2: jobs about the tough job market during my final two weeks,

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Speaker 2: she quits. The company has now lost three employees since

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Speaker 2: March and there are only four left, so it's obviously

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Speaker 2: a sinking ship. I feel vindicated since this means I

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Speaker 2: was right and thinking her role wouldn't be sustainable without

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Speaker 2: me there. I had the calmest, most calculated exit that

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Speaker 2: allowed me to shred her dignity and keep mine without

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Speaker 2: giving a reaction. But I'm just curious as to what

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Speaker 2: the final straw was the end of that story.

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Speaker 3: My boss pushed me to the edge and I finally snapped,

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Speaker 3: who would you do? I wanted to share my story

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Speaker 3: before I face a big day in my life tomorrow

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Speaker 3: with my management team. I've been around, self absorbed to

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Speaker 3: people my whole life. I may not have done it

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Speaker 3: at the time, but after a lot of therapy and introspection,

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Speaker 3: I realize they've been around me more often than not.

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Speaker 3: I was raised by a self absorbed person. I've been

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Speaker 3: in romantic relationships with many, and now I'm working for one.

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Speaker 3: And by the way, this comes from less Command three

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Speaker 3: hundred and if you want to submit your own stories,

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Speaker 3: go to the r slash Okay storytime, separate it and

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Speaker 3: I'm Angie.

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Speaker 2: I'm Carly, and we're here to give good.

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Speaker 3: Advice Goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We're

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Speaker 3: just gonna guess what we would do in this situation.

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Speaker 3: But let us know what you would do in the comments.

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Speaker 3: So Opie says, I've been with this company for five years.

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Speaker 3: I was signed off from work for most of last

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Speaker 3: year following a mental breakdown after surviving a three year

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Speaker 3: relationship with the most dangerous self absorbed person I've encountered

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Speaker 3: to date. I was in the hospital for three months.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, geez.

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Speaker 3: I got out, got clean and sober, and got back

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Speaker 3: into work slowly. I loved my job and with a

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Speaker 3: lot of hard work on my part. Not only did

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Speaker 3: I settle back in, I started to thrive, and then

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Speaker 3: everything changed. I was assigned a new team leader. This

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Speaker 3: woman has been here for years, but this is the

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Speaker 3: first time that I've ever had to work with her.

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Speaker 3: The discomfort I feel from simply being in her presence

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Speaker 3: is intense and oh so familiar. At this point, I'm

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Speaker 3: aware that maybe I've been around these types of people

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Speaker 3: for so long that I'm just scared everyone is like that.

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Speaker 3: But the patterns are so obvious and distinct. From the

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Speaker 3: moment I started to excel. Something switched in front of

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Speaker 3: watchful eyes. She's the nicest person ever behind closed doors,

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Speaker 3: it's picking holes in my work, putting me down, not

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Speaker 3: taking accountability when pulled up on her own behavior, and

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Speaker 3: the way she talks to me, dismissing my feelings and

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Speaker 3: making me feel like I'm the problem. I've been reduced

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Speaker 3: to tears three times in the last week following interactions

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Speaker 3: with this woman. Historically, I would have suffered in silence,

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Speaker 3: taken substances to numb the pain, or called in sick

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Speaker 3: to avoid the issue altogether. But last week I snapped.

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Speaker 3: I had reached my limit. I went home in tears again,

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Speaker 3: composed myself, then composed a long, polite and assertive email

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Speaker 3: to higher management. I attached to the emails that my

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Speaker 3: team leader had been sending me and examples of my

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Speaker 3: work that weren't good enough, desmite feedback from my colleagues

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Speaker 3: saying differently, I said that I refused from this point

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Speaker 3: on to be in a room alone with this person again,

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Speaker 3: and then I have no interest in a mediated conversation

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Speaker 3: where my feelings can be invalidated because of a breakdown

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Speaker 3: in communication or whatever spin they choose to put on it.

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Speaker 3: I kindly requested that it be arranged so that I

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Speaker 3: can report to someone else. The other team leaders I've

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Speaker 3: worked for previously are lovely and I have never had

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Speaker 3: this experience with them. I also many clear that if

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Speaker 3: this request cannot be accommodated, then I will be leaving

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Speaker 3: the firm. I got an email back from the big

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Speaker 3: boss for lack of better term, thanking me for speaking

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Speaker 3: up and saying they would refer to HR and get

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Speaker 3: back to me. Okay, action is being taken. That's great.

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Speaker 3: I can only assume they are doing this to cover

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Speaker 3: their own butts, as I'm not interested in going to

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Speaker 3: war or raising complaints. I just want a solution. Yesterday,

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Speaker 3: I got a message from one of the managers. I

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Speaker 3: get on well with this person and he has always

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Speaker 3: spoken highly of me and my work. He said that

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Speaker 3: after speaking with HR, he would now like to speak

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Speaker 3: with me face to face in the office tomorrow, just us,

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Speaker 3: which I accepted. Do we believe that that's happening.

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Speaker 2: I'm just kind of like at the point where it's

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Speaker 2: already to HR. I don't think that there should be

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Speaker 2: that meeting to like resolve things without HR, because the

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Speaker 2: whole point of HR is to have that mediated meeting, right,

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Speaker 2: So why is he trying to like go around bag

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Speaker 2: exactly we can meet before that meeting. It just worries

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Speaker 2: me a little, right.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, because it's like even if OPI said that, like

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Speaker 3: she wasn't interested in meeting with HR, right, still, like

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Speaker 3: if you're gonna push for a meeting, you should push

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Speaker 3: for that meeting.

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Speaker 2: It still went to the point of like HR was discussed,

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Speaker 2: and I'm kind of like.

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Speaker 3: If we're gonna have one, let's bringin a little skeptical

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Speaker 3: I did a little calendar snooping and can see that

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Speaker 3: he has a meeting with the team leader a few

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Speaker 3: hours after mine. It's important to note that during my

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Speaker 3: ill health last year, I was under the Occupational Health

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Speaker 3: Team's umbrella. I know people will have their opinions on

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Speaker 3: this next statement, but I have been open and honest

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Speaker 3: about my mental health and regular use battles with selected

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Speaker 3: management from the get go. I've always been of the

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Speaker 3: opinion that no one can help me if I don't

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Speaker 3: tell them what's wrong. Makes sense, Yeah, And of course

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Speaker 3: there is the classic this is a safe space mantra,

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Speaker 3: which I've always been a sucker for. So Tomorrow's the

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Speaker 3: day I will either get a solution where I can

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Speaker 3: report to someone else and carry on with my job,

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Speaker 3: or all be coming home and touching up the old CV. Regardless,

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Speaker 3: this has all gone too far and I've worked too

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Speaker 3: hard to go through this all over again. I have

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Speaker 3: too much to lose now. I would rather deal with

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Speaker 3: the insecurity that comes with unemployment than the insidious emotional

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Speaker 3: turmoil that these monsters go around inflicting on people. It's

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Speaker 3: a shame, but I know how this goes. The Only

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Speaker 3: way to win with these people is by not playing.

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Speaker 3: A job is a job, and if I do leave,

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Speaker 3: they will already be looking for replacements before I'm even

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Speaker 3: out the door. Nothing is worth risking my well being,

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Speaker 3: my sobriety and my quality of life form And we

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Speaker 3: do have some comments, but do you have any comments

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Speaker 3: before we get into those.

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Speaker 2: I guess I never really would have thought about like

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Speaker 2: going to your boss about like previous like substance use

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Speaker 2: and stuff. Yeah, I could totally see how that would

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Speaker 2: be good for like if there's company parties or something, right,

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Speaker 2: justeting like heads up, like maybe maybe it's not at

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Speaker 2: a bar or something like that. Like, so I think

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Speaker 2: that's yeah, a good idea to something to do.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, not really really the story, but I mean, yeah,

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Speaker 3: insight yeah for me, right, I mean, especially if, like

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Speaker 3: you know, she got out of that bad relationship and

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Speaker 3: was in the hospital for three weeks like a lot. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: like if anything were to come up again, like you know,

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Speaker 3: if she were to fall back into her old ways

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Speaker 3: or something, then it's like at least they know, so

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Speaker 3: they can, you know, know, if she like leaves for

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Speaker 3: a day or something like that, Like if she just

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Speaker 3: doesn't show up to work, she can like explain and

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Speaker 3: they would already know about the situation. But yeah, I

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Speaker 3: think you're right. Your quality of life should not be

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Speaker 3: risked for this situation. And I think the fact that

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Speaker 3: you said that you do not want to be in

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Speaker 3: a room alone with her again, I think that's huge.

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Speaker 2: That says everything that you need to right. Yeah, like

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Speaker 2: you should always have safety at work, Like you shouldn't

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Speaker 2: feel threatened by someone that you Yes.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, totally. We do have some comments. Comment number one says,

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Speaker 3: I feel your journey is like mine. I was struggling

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Speaker 3: between highly competent contributor to dreading. At the next meeting,

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Speaker 3: I left and my boss showed their colors at the end.

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Speaker 3: Haven't heard a peep since this won't be your last

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Speaker 3: self absorbed person, but it could be the last time

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Speaker 3: you struggle with one. Opie replied, I really liked your

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Speaker 3: last sentence. I hope that is the case. Struggling is exhausting,

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Speaker 3: and I feel like I'm never moving forward. We do

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Speaker 3: have an update. Okay, hey, let's just jump right into

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Speaker 3: it now for some good news. I had my meeting

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Speaker 3: and it was interesting on so many levels. Okay, okay, interesting.

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Speaker 3: I had been preparing for the worst since it was

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Speaker 3: scheduled in my calendar. I've been so used to having

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Speaker 3: my feelings dismissed and invalidated that I had no reason

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Speaker 3: to think this would be any different. And then something

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Speaker 3: wonderful happened. My manager listened to me, asked me questions

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Speaker 3: about what I needed, asked questions about my story outside

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Speaker 3: of work, much of which he knew about already, but

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Speaker 3: there were significant gaps to fill in, and he empathized

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Speaker 3: with me on every point I made. I wasn't met

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Speaker 3: with a look of confusion that I that suggested I

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Speaker 3: was being over dramatic or that I was the problem.

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Speaker 3: He couldn't go into too much detail for obvious reasons,

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Speaker 3: but he wasn't shocked by anything I was telling him.

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Speaker 3: Oh wow, great, then, yeah, so this is probably we've

383
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Speaker 3: gotten some other complaints about this person. Yeah wow. He

384
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Speaker 3: said that this was already on his radar and that

385
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Speaker 3: things were happening in the background with this person, and

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Speaker 3: then my case simply added to the pile and gave

387
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Speaker 3: him more to go with. Wow, I feel a firing

388
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Speaker 3: coming up soon. He immediately made arrangements so that I

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Speaker 3: only have to report to him whilst he finalizes the

390
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Speaker 3: official bits and bobs, and he assured me that I

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Speaker 3: will never have to refer to this woman for anything ever. Again.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 3: Oh, such a relief.

394
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Speaker 2: Witch up from some other ones that we've read. Right.

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Speaker 3: He even went a step further and worked with me

396
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Speaker 3: to make a contingency plan in case there's ever an

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Speaker 3: occasion where I may have to report to her on

398
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Speaker 3: rare occasions where there's a shortage of supervisors due to

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Speaker 3: annual leave or sickness.

400
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Speaker 2: Wow.

401
00:19:55,119 --> 00:19:57,359
Speaker 3: Wow. He checked in on me throughout the day to

402
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Speaker 3: make sure I was okay, told me that I had

403
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Speaker 3: done nothing wrong and that my quality of work was

404
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Speaker 3: more than satisfactory. This man will never know how much

405
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Speaker 3: he has truly given me today. He has given me

406
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Speaker 3: safety validation, and for once in my thirty three years,

407
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Speaker 3: my inner child has not only been heard, but also supported.

408
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Speaker 3: It's the strangest and most wonderful feeling.

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Speaker 2: Wow, it just went so well.

410
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Speaker 3: Everything is going amazing. He's great. This is an amazing boss.

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Speaker 2: The ape plus boss, A plus that is like exactly

412
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Speaker 2: how to handle that?

413
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Speaker 3: I feel? Oh my gosh, Wow, Wow, wow, Wow. There's

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Speaker 3: a little bit more. I want to finish with the

415
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Speaker 3: message to anyone who may be going through a similar situation,

416
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Speaker 3: please speak up. I can't say that your result will

417
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Speaker 3: be the same as mine. But the biggest thing I

418
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Speaker 3: took away from that meeting is that other people have

419
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Speaker 3: suffered because of this woman's behavior. For all I know,

420
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Speaker 3: my case may be the final straw that gives my

421
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Speaker 3: manager the ammunition he needs to implement real chain. It's

422
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Speaker 3: terrifying and if you're anything like me, speaking up for

423
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,919
Speaker 3: yourself is a foreign concept. But please just do it

424
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Speaker 3: for yourself, and who knows who else you'll end up

425
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Speaker 3: helping in the process. I'm a sleep like a happy

426
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Speaker 3: baby tonight, and there are a few comments. I'm super

427
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Speaker 3: happy for you. I'm hopeful one day I can be

428
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Speaker 3: as brave as you to stand up and say my

429
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,120
Speaker 3: mental health is not negotiable. I too have been brought

430
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Speaker 3: up by a self absorbed mother, and the gas lighting

431
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Speaker 3: and trauma really didn't number on my interactions at work.

432
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Speaker 3: I worked myself to the bone to prove my mother

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Speaker 3: I care and love her. Likewise, I worked myself to

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Speaker 3: the bone to prove to my workplace that I am

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Speaker 3: a hard worker and team player. All this hard work

436
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,600
Speaker 3: has gotten me nothing but off handed comments at my

437
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:43,080
Speaker 3: work on my not so great mental health days. And

438
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,240
Speaker 3: that's the end of that story.

439
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:48,680
Speaker 2: My manager ruined my career, so I disappeared.

440
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:50,080
Speaker 3: Get out of there, girl.

441
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,560
Speaker 2: My manager has always been difficult to deal with. She

442
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:58,520
Speaker 2: nitpicks everything. She doesn't like the inflection and tone of

443
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:03,000
Speaker 2: my voice when giving presents, even though the presentations themselves

444
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:07,240
Speaker 2: are fine. She criticized my decision to skip optional happy

445
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:11,000
Speaker 2: hours during off sites. She needs to read every email

446
00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:14,199
Speaker 2: I send to her boss and will change things like

447
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,120
Speaker 2: have a good week to have a good day. By

448
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:21,600
Speaker 2: the way, this comes from camel z four and if

449
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,480
Speaker 2: you want to submit your own stories, go to the

450
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:27,159
Speaker 2: r slash okay storytime subreddit. I'm Carly, I'm anngie, and

451
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,120
Speaker 2: we're here to give good advice. Goofully, But we don't

452
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,120
Speaker 2: have all the answers. We only know what we would do,

453
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,960
Speaker 2: So let us know what you would do in the comments.

454
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:39,639
Speaker 2: Anne Opie says she constantly oversteps her role and wants

455
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,880
Speaker 2: me to take the blame when it blows up. She'll

456
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,280
Speaker 2: give me projects where the business partner has specifically told

457
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:48,480
Speaker 2: us they don't find value in our partnership, and she

458
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:52,560
Speaker 2: forces me to continue anyway. Recently, she got a new boss,

459
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:57,000
Speaker 2: Manager two, who is someone I'd worked indirectly under in

460
00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:01,320
Speaker 2: the past. Manager Too is somehow even worse. So I

461
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:05,040
Speaker 2: won't go into details, but as an example, Manager Too

462
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,720
Speaker 2: put a previous manager of mine in the hospital from stress.

463
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh.

464
00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:14,440
Speaker 2: Once my previous manager returned from medical leave, Manager Too

465
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:16,600
Speaker 2: forced her to resign.

466
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,200
Speaker 3: This all feels so illegal.

467
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:22,720
Speaker 2: It is. When I found out Manager Too was becoming

468
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,639
Speaker 2: my manager's new manager, I had a conversation with my

469
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:30,760
Speaker 2: manager about furthering my career in other roles. As in note,

470
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:34,960
Speaker 2: my company sends managers notifications whenever you apply to an

471
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,560
Speaker 2: internal role, so I needed to have this discussion with her.

472
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:42,560
Speaker 2: Since that point, she's been speed running my termination. I

473
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 2: went from a positive midyear review to being put on

474
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,639
Speaker 2: a coaching plan within a month. All the examples of

475
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:53,840
Speaker 2: my poor performance were collected immediately following the conversation about

476
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:57,320
Speaker 2: furthering my career. The examples were things like being unavailable

477
00:23:57,359 --> 00:24:00,800
Speaker 2: because I had a doctor's appointment, missing a line because

478
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:05,320
Speaker 2: I was outsick, and other general nonsense that's purely subjective

479
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:09,879
Speaker 2: and incredibly difficult to prove, like not doing what's best

480
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:13,960
Speaker 2: for our clients so vague. She delivered the coaching plan,

481
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,320
Speaker 2: which is essentially a precursor to a PIP, which is

482
00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:20,800
Speaker 2: a performance improvement plan. A week after I applied to

483
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,720
Speaker 2: a new role. Then three weeks went by where she

484
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:27,160
Speaker 2: made no mention of my performance or the coaching plan.

485
00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:30,199
Speaker 2: The hiring manager for the role I applied to reached

486
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:34,400
Speaker 2: out to her about my interest, and, surprise surprise, three

487
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,280
Speaker 2: days later, she let me know I was still not

488
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,479
Speaker 2: meeting performance expectations and planned to put me on a PIP,

489
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:43,840
Speaker 2: which would restrict me from accepting the role. Is that

490
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,840
Speaker 2: because she's been out of the office a lot recently,

491
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:51,240
Speaker 2: she's logistically only given me eight business days to show

492
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:54,440
Speaker 2: improvement from when the coaching plan was delivered to threatening

493
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:58,159
Speaker 2: the PIP. Our company doesn't have specific guidelines for the

494
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:02,439
Speaker 2: performance management process, but the whole thing typically takes about

495
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,399
Speaker 2: a year. Mine has taken less than a month. The

496
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:07,840
Speaker 2: double care is that after she let me know I

497
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,560
Speaker 2: was going to be put on a PIP, I called

498
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,760
Speaker 2: my former coworker who was laid off to get his opinion.

499
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:17,639
Speaker 2: She did the same thing to him, ugh, right down

500
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,240
Speaker 2: to the same language and tactics to manage him out.

501
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,440
Speaker 2: Only she got lucky that we were doing layoffs around

502
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:27,679
Speaker 2: that time and could recommend his name without having to

503
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:31,080
Speaker 2: go through the formal firing process. I've accepted she's going

504
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,919
Speaker 2: to fire me as soon as she feasibly can. And

505
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,800
Speaker 2: I can't go over her head because manager too is

506
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,720
Speaker 2: probably frothing at the mouth over this. But honestly, she

507
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:43,760
Speaker 2: can win this one. I can escape her, but she'll

508
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:48,080
Speaker 2: always be trapped with herself. Whoa, okay, we've a comment.

509
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,200
Speaker 2: Oh wow, I know what you're going through. It angers

510
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,240
Speaker 2: me so much that people can get away with this

511
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,960
Speaker 2: every day in corporate America. What a miserable place to work.

512
00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 2: It's not worth it. It's just not. Those managers make

513
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 2: it miserable to work because they're so insecure and miserable

514
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,680
Speaker 2: that they have to constantly deflect and manipulate the situation.

515
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,520
Speaker 2: How sad to be like those managers. Sad, pathetic way

516
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,080
Speaker 2: to live. We have an update.

517
00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:16,679
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, but this kind of feels like a

518
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:21,520
Speaker 3: king that's, you know, executing all of their They're like yeah,

519
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:25,439
Speaker 3: subject right, and it's like, well, you're gonna have no

520
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,080
Speaker 3: one to rule after all.

521
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,200
Speaker 2: This what happens when you fired the whole company?

522
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:33,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, and just like getting rid of them for stupid

523
00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:35,359
Speaker 3: or like no reason at all.

524
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,840
Speaker 2: Because you don't like how I sound when I give presentation.

525
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:43,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, like such silly little things that you're doing. Yeah, no,

526
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:46,959
Speaker 3: actual like proper feedback. That's so ridiculous.

527
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:50,800
Speaker 2: Update, Well she did it. I predicted that the hiring

528
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,600
Speaker 2: manager of the new internal job I applied for would

529
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,320
Speaker 2: call her up as a courtesy before extending an offer

530
00:26:57,359 --> 00:27:00,959
Speaker 2: to me, and she'd put him on hold, submit the PIP,

531
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,840
Speaker 2: and then tell him I actually couldn't accept because I

532
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:06,359
Speaker 2: was no longer in good standing with the company. And

533
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,200
Speaker 2: that's exactly what happened.

534
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 3: WHOA, that's crazy.

535
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:15,080
Speaker 2: That is some like disgusting roundabout ways to be like,

536
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,440
Speaker 2: now you can't take this job. In the phone call,

537
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:22,359
Speaker 2: yeah you're doing that, My goodness, he contacted her to

538
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:25,000
Speaker 2: extend an offer. She bashed me to the point where

539
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 2: the hiring manager set up a meeting with me to

540
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,480
Speaker 2: tell me what she said, and then two days after

541
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,080
Speaker 2: their phone call, she put me on a PIP. I'm

542
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,240
Speaker 2: stuck on her team, which also, why does she want

543
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,640
Speaker 2: you on her team? She doesn't like you? Right, I'm

544
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,760
Speaker 2: not eligible to receive our end to year bonus, which

545
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:45,760
Speaker 2: is a huge part of our total compensation. I'm not

546
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:49,479
Speaker 2: eligible to go on my sabbatical. Oh, she's the devil

547
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:53,080
Speaker 2: in a skin suit. Her reason for escalating to APIP

548
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,920
Speaker 2: was that one time I had to reschedule a one

549
00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:59,720
Speaker 2: on one with her because I was actively dealing with

550
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:03,480
Speaker 2: a I'm sensitive work emergency. Yes, she was aware of

551
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:07,080
Speaker 2: the situation, and I even provided her proof I was

552
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,000
Speaker 2: on the phone with someone else during our meeting, because

553
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:11,919
Speaker 2: I knew she would try to use that against me.

554
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:15,439
Speaker 2: But of course she spun the narrative to constitute it

555
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 2: as avoiding coaching. When she delivered the PIP, I brought

556
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,920
Speaker 2: up that I had been speaking to HR and employment

557
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:26,880
Speaker 2: attorneys because her behavior constitutes intimidation and she's now financially

558
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:30,560
Speaker 2: harming me. She immediately backed down and offered to talk

559
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:34,000
Speaker 2: to the hiring manager to smooth things over. Figures she

560
00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:37,280
Speaker 2: has no spine. We have a comment that's awful. I

561
00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:39,240
Speaker 2: hope you end up being able to leave her team.

562
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:41,960
Speaker 2: It's very telling that she did all of this the

563
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:44,360
Speaker 2: moment she found out you were trying to leave. I

564
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,840
Speaker 2: also hope you talking to an employment attorney helps because

565
00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:50,880
Speaker 2: this seems like a clear cutcase of retaliation to me.

566
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:55,240
Speaker 2: I'm not a lawyer, though. Update to the final update.

567
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:58,400
Speaker 3: Oh boy, I'm so nervous.

568
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:00,720
Speaker 2: I know, what do you think happened?

569
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:05,120
Speaker 3: Oh gosh, I mean what I hope happened. Yeah. So

570
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:09,640
Speaker 3: she talks to like some higher ups and they're like, yeah,

571
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:15,240
Speaker 3: that tucks. Yeah, you're right. Here's your bonus, here's the sabbatical.

572
00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:15,840
Speaker 2: You're taking off your PIP.

573
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:20,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly. Like I hope everything is undone, but I

574
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,320
Speaker 3: feel like it might not go down that way.

575
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,239
Speaker 2: Yeah. I need this boss to be as cool as

576
00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:28,719
Speaker 2: the boss from the last story too. Update to a

577
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,880
Speaker 2: final update to well she did. My raging, self absorbed

578
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:36,680
Speaker 2: manager was speed running to terminate me, advancing from first

579
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 2: warning ever to PIP in about ten business days over

580
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:45,520
Speaker 2: ridiculous things like taking seven minutes to reply to her chats.

581
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,680
Speaker 2: I was in the middle of applying for another job internally,

582
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:52,480
Speaker 2: and just as I suspected, she blocked me from accepting

583
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:55,920
Speaker 2: the role by putting me on the PIP. Immediately after,

584
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 2: the hiring manager courtesy called her to let her know

585
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:02,560
Speaker 2: he wanted to hire me. After some words, she offered

586
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:04,920
Speaker 2: to make things right with the hiring manager because I

587
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,640
Speaker 2: threatened to further escalate with HR and employment attorneys. The

588
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:12,600
Speaker 2: next day, like the spineless jellyfish she is. She chatted

589
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:15,080
Speaker 2: me to let me know she talked to her boss

590
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:19,200
Speaker 2: and the PIP would be upheld because your role is

591
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:23,880
Speaker 2: your primary responsibility before you move on to something else. Right,

592
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:26,720
Speaker 2: you mean the role I was doing exceptionally well in

593
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:29,720
Speaker 2: until you got wind. I wanted to move to something else.

594
00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:32,320
Speaker 2: Doesn't seem like you're giving me a chance to excel

595
00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:34,480
Speaker 2: in it when you have me rewrite the same email

596
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 2: thirteen times because it never meets your illusory approval. I

597
00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:40,400
Speaker 2: realized I was trapped and had come to a fork

598
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:43,040
Speaker 2: in the road. Try to fight the PIP and probably

599
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:45,960
Speaker 2: be fired in a week's time, or let her have

600
00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:49,360
Speaker 2: what she was asking for. If you want me gone, fine,

601
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:52,520
Speaker 2: but not on your terms. Thankfully, I had been talking

602
00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 2: to a psychiatrist about the scenario because it was taking

603
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 2: such a toll on my mental health. After I got

604
00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:01,080
Speaker 2: the chat about the PIP being upheld, I emailed my

605
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:04,280
Speaker 2: psychiatrist and asked if she would approve a short term

606
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:08,640
Speaker 2: disability leave for mental health. She said yes with flying colors.

607
00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,360
Speaker 2: I immediately emailed my boss. I will be going on

608
00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:16,160
Speaker 2: short term disability leave, effective immediately. My return date is unknown.

609
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,960
Speaker 2: I slammed my laptop shut, blocked her phone number, and

610
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:23,360
Speaker 2: never heard from her again. I have been on paid

611
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:26,320
Speaker 2: and unpaid leave for about six months.

612
00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:29,480
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh. I first of all think that it

613
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:32,760
Speaker 3: kind of sucks that some of that is unpaid. I'm

614
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:35,320
Speaker 3: glad some of it is paid, yeah, but I would

615
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:37,640
Speaker 3: hope that all of it was. But I feel like

616
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:42,160
Speaker 3: if I was above this manager, I would see this

617
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:43,000
Speaker 3: and be like.

618
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:44,760
Speaker 2: Yo, what the heck?

619
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 3: Why is she going on this sabbatile? What did you do?

620
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:48,880
Speaker 2: Right?

621
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:50,560
Speaker 3: But I digress.

622
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 2: But also great quick thinking.

623
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:57,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, to go straight to your psychiatrist with that, Yeah, honestly.

624
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,920
Speaker 2: Get a little bit more. Of course, a lot of

625
00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:02,080
Speaker 2: that six months was dedicated to unraveling the mess that

626
00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:06,400
Speaker 2: came with all of this, a PTSD diagnosis, and battling

627
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:08,920
Speaker 2: some very dark thoughts. But I'm happy to say that

628
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,680
Speaker 2: during that time I was able to leverage my network

629
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,760
Speaker 2: and get two job offers, one of which I accepted.

630
00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:18,120
Speaker 2: I'll be getting a nice pay bump and a fully

631
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:22,640
Speaker 2: remote opportunity. Unsurprisingly, I emailed her my resignation and she

632
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:26,120
Speaker 2: never replied. I haven't started my new job yet, but

633
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:29,760
Speaker 2: my future boss sent me an amazing little care package

634
00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 2: after I accepted the role, so I'm hoping she will

635
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:34,920
Speaker 2: be a total one point eighty from the last one.

636
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:38,600
Speaker 2: To everyone struggling with something similar, do not put your

637
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:42,560
Speaker 2: mental health in jeopardy over these worthless nutballs. It's not

638
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 2: worth it. No job is worth permanently damaging your self

639
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:48,880
Speaker 2: esteem and mental health. That is the end of that story.

640
00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:51,680
Speaker 1: Hey it's Sam. We'll get back to the stories. But

641
00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:53,560
Speaker 1: here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

642
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:57,560
Speaker 3: My wife built a secret second life while I was

643
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:58,520
Speaker 3: on deployment.

644
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:00,000
Speaker 4: She had to do something more.

645
00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:01,920
Speaker 2: You were gone in.

646
00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:04,440
Speaker 3: Twenty nineteen, when I, thirty four male, came back from

647
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:08,440
Speaker 3: my deployment in Iraq to my thirty four female now

648
00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:12,240
Speaker 3: ex wife, things were really weird. People talk about losing

649
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,080
Speaker 3: the connection, about how hard homecomings are, but this was

650
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:19,200
Speaker 3: just different. We talked almost daily. I kept active with

651
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:21,440
Speaker 3: my kids, and there was never anything that was a

652
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:23,720
Speaker 3: red flag while I was gone. By the way, this

653
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:26,360
Speaker 3: comes from Hawk Pilot eighty six. And if you want

654
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 3: to submit your own stories, go to the r slash

655
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:31,360
Speaker 3: Okay storytime subreddits. And I'm Angie, I'm Riley, I'm key

656
00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:33,880
Speaker 3: On and We're here to give good advice, goofy, but

657
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:35,600
Speaker 3: we don't have all the answers. We just know what

658
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 3: we would do, So let us know what you would do.

659
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:40,520
Speaker 3: In the comments, so Op says we did not have

660
00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:43,200
Speaker 3: spicy sleep for days after I came home, and that

661
00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:45,400
Speaker 3: was just the start. At the time, I had a

662
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,400
Speaker 3: vault app on my phone for secret photos. I'd used

663
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,680
Speaker 3: this app for years, as most immature young men probably did,

664
00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:55,120
Speaker 3: and sword photos of unclothed women that I had connected

665
00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:57,840
Speaker 3: with prior to our relationship. She found this before our

666
00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:01,640
Speaker 3: wedding ceremony and still moved forward marrying me. Anyway, we

667
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:04,920
Speaker 3: will come back to this. Oh, a few months after

668
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,480
Speaker 3: I came home, our wedding ceremony was planned. We had

669
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:10,840
Speaker 3: married before I left. Then two weeks after the ceremony,

670
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:14,040
Speaker 3: I caught her kissing another man in our basement at

671
00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:19,680
Speaker 3: a party, surrounded by her friends. What dude, rookie mistake.

672
00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:21,239
Speaker 3: That's crazy.

673
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:26,160
Speaker 4: Also surrounded by the friends, Yeah, they know what's up.

674
00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:29,320
Speaker 4: I would be pulling one of those friends aside asap,

675
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,719
Speaker 4: being like one, no, one stop her. Two?

676
00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:36,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, what's going on here? Yeah? Who's this guy?

677
00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:40,960
Speaker 2: It's the tale as old as time someone goes in deployment,

678
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:44,480
Speaker 2: they got to get married really quickly and they someone cheats.

679
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:50,040
Speaker 5: Yeah, this happened to my ex as dad really Oh wow, Yeah,

680
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:51,759
Speaker 5: it's kind of crazy because it's like I feel like

681
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:54,560
Speaker 5: usually the cheating would go on like while they're at deployment,

682
00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:57,720
Speaker 5: but he's fully home and they're in their house.

683
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:01,520
Speaker 3: Crazy. Everyone said the I was seeing things that it

684
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:05,320
Speaker 3: did not happen, but oh it happened. That's crazy.

685
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:06,680
Speaker 2: Everyone was like, nah, they did.

686
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:11,920
Speaker 3: They're covering for her obviously, her friends, that's what they're

687
00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:14,359
Speaker 3: saying through this. I was able to find out through

688
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:17,200
Speaker 3: a close friend of hers, who had unfriended her shortly

689
00:35:17,239 --> 00:35:20,080
Speaker 3: prior due to a fight, that she had been cheating

690
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:24,759
Speaker 3: on me the entire deployment. Yikes, girl, Uh oh, that's

691
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:27,560
Speaker 3: a smart person to go to get the ex friends

692
00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:31,200
Speaker 3: that is not going to hold back Exactly, this girl

693
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:34,440
Speaker 3: dumped everything on me. The man in the basement had

694
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:37,200
Speaker 3: actually gotten her into a situation where she almost had

695
00:35:37,239 --> 00:35:40,359
Speaker 3: a baby, and they decided to secretly end it before

696
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,440
Speaker 3: anyone could find out. I am sure this was because

697
00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:45,600
Speaker 3: it would have been proof of her cheating. We are

698
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:49,080
Speaker 3: a Caucasian and the other guy's African American. The secret

699
00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:52,560
Speaker 3: relationship was completely undetected by anybody except for her two

700
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:53,160
Speaker 3: close friends.

701
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:54,399
Speaker 2: There.

702
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:57,319
Speaker 3: Not only had the cheating occurred during the deployment, but

703
00:35:57,360 --> 00:36:00,520
Speaker 3: it also went back years to pass bachelor parties and

704
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:04,200
Speaker 3: vacations that she had taken with girlfriends. The news just

705
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:05,279
Speaker 3: devastated me.

706
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:06,720
Speaker 4: Why was she with you then.

707
00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:08,799
Speaker 2: This guy?

708
00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:12,400
Speaker 3: What? Honestly, yeah, One weekend she went away with a

709
00:36:12,440 --> 00:36:15,040
Speaker 3: friend to the ocean, and she returned she confronted me

710
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:15,799
Speaker 3: about having a.

711
00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:16,479
Speaker 2: Woman in the home.

712
00:36:17,120 --> 00:36:20,160
Speaker 3: This was after the wedding, after I caught her kissing

713
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:23,920
Speaker 3: that guy, but before we officially separated. This was the

714
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:26,600
Speaker 3: straw that broke the camel's back. Since she had found

715
00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:29,560
Speaker 3: those photos on my phone, she had been acting like

716
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,960
Speaker 3: I was the one who was cheating on her. She

717
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 3: was always questioning why the bed looked funny, why a

718
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:38,839
Speaker 3: window drape would be open. It drove me insane. When

719
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:40,880
Speaker 3: she came back from this weekend trip, she said that

720
00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:43,360
Speaker 3: she had placed a camera in the home that she

721
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:46,280
Speaker 3: had caught me on video with another woman. She needed

722
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:48,680
Speaker 3: something to pin me as the bad guy in all

723
00:36:48,719 --> 00:36:50,640
Speaker 3: of this so she could get away with her double

724
00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:54,000
Speaker 3: life and cheating. The problem was, had she actually put

725
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,239
Speaker 3: a camera up, she would not have seen anyone in

726
00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:58,960
Speaker 3: the house. Because I went to a friend's to watch movies,

727
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:01,600
Speaker 3: knowing that she was lying and trying to get me

728
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:04,440
Speaker 3: to admit to something that did not happen. I played

729
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:06,480
Speaker 3: along to see what her reaction would be and to

730
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,080
Speaker 3: see what her intentions were as far as divorce or

731
00:37:09,239 --> 00:37:12,120
Speaker 3: taking my kid. So I lied and said that she

732
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:14,719
Speaker 3: was correct, and it did have a woman over and

733
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:18,960
Speaker 3: she lost her mind. She talked about how faithful she

734
00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:21,640
Speaker 3: had been, about how good of a mom she was,

735
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:24,319
Speaker 3: and how she took care of everything while I was

736
00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:26,799
Speaker 3: gone on deployment, and how I was never going to

737
00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:29,680
Speaker 3: see my son again. Once she was done, she asked

738
00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:31,640
Speaker 3: me if I had anything to say, and I said,

739
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:35,399
Speaker 3: are you done yet? She went quiet. I then went

740
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:37,680
Speaker 3: on to tell her that she was actually lying in

741
00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:40,120
Speaker 3: all of this and that she did not have a camera.

742
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:44,080
Speaker 3: Needless to say, she took what I quote admitted and

743
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:47,759
Speaker 3: ran with it. She made up an entire narrative of

744
00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:51,920
Speaker 3: ME being attracted to men, me sleeping with guys overseas,

745
00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:55,920
Speaker 3: all sorts of things. We separated, and during that time

746
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:59,319
Speaker 3: she placed hidden cameras in my private living space and

747
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:03,239
Speaker 3: recorded me being with other people, including a guy. She

748
00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:05,719
Speaker 3: then went to all of my friends and family and

749
00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:08,960
Speaker 3: told them that I had been unfaithful. She used whatever

750
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:11,440
Speaker 3: clips and audio she captured to build her story and

751
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:12,759
Speaker 3: convince people that I was a cheater.

752
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,720
Speaker 4: Oh my god.

753
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:19,160
Speaker 3: You know who should hire her? Magazines? She should be

754
00:38:19,239 --> 00:38:24,920
Speaker 3: like a paparazzi magazine person. Get her on TMZ if.

755
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:29,759
Speaker 4: Like, you know, taking videos of people illegally. Yeah, you

756
00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:30,479
Speaker 4: can't do this.

757
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:34,600
Speaker 3: You totally can't do it. Saying it like she's she's

758
00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:38,760
Speaker 3: doing such a good job at like getting like pieces

759
00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:41,600
Speaker 3: of footage and then putting it together to build her story.

760
00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:45,680
Speaker 4: I don't understand. It's like I would probably find those cameras,

761
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:48,960
Speaker 4: find the whole video if I could, and then show

762
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:50,640
Speaker 4: that my family the whole clip.

763
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:54,680
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, and hopefully your family is like coming to

764
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:57,560
Speaker 3: you to for more clarification and conversation and they're not

765
00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:00,759
Speaker 3: just like suddenly against you. What no one knew was

766
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:03,560
Speaker 3: that we were not even together at this point. She

767
00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:07,040
Speaker 3: had already moved out. When we went to divorce court,

768
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:09,680
Speaker 3: the judge ruled that what she had done counted as

769
00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:14,240
Speaker 3: a serious violation of my privacy, yippie. If I wanted

770
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:15,920
Speaker 3: to take it further, I would have had to go

771
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:18,560
Speaker 3: through criminal court. But we had a four year old

772
00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:20,239
Speaker 3: and I did not want my child growing up with

773
00:39:20,239 --> 00:39:23,160
Speaker 3: their mom dealing with legal trouble or prison time, so

774
00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:26,200
Speaker 3: I chose not to press charges. Looking at her disgusts

775
00:39:26,239 --> 00:39:28,440
Speaker 3: me because I know that she lives a double life.

776
00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:31,440
Speaker 3: I know the new boyfriend she has, she's doing the

777
00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:34,840
Speaker 3: same thing to him, living the single bachelorette life with

778
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:38,360
Speaker 3: a kid. And by the way, I won fifty percent custody,

779
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:41,280
Speaker 3: and she pays me child support. By the way, oh man,

780
00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:43,360
Speaker 3: At the end of the day, I should feel good

781
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:46,680
Speaker 3: that I got out of this rather unscathed. Where it

782
00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:49,240
Speaker 3: has taken a hit mostly is with my friends and family.

783
00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:51,879
Speaker 3: No oh no, A lot of people are not sure

784
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,360
Speaker 3: what to believe, and I've lost a lot of family friends.

785
00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:56,640
Speaker 3: She is still friends with all of my old friends

786
00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:59,919
Speaker 3: from high school because their wives decided to side with her. No.

787
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,319
Speaker 3: No one even turned around to ask me my side

788
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:05,800
Speaker 3: of the story. Nobody realizes that they are surrounding themselves

789
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:08,800
Speaker 3: with a fake person living a double life. I always

790
00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:11,120
Speaker 3: thought that I would grow up with my childhood best friends,

791
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:13,560
Speaker 3: sharing memories of our kids playing together. I may have

792
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:16,040
Speaker 3: one in court, I may have one child sport. I

793
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:19,239
Speaker 3: may have exonerated myself to the legal system into my

794
00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:22,239
Speaker 3: close family, but she has taken a huge part of

795
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:25,319
Speaker 3: my life and it is just vile. And I know

796
00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:28,160
Speaker 3: those people probably are not my real friends to begin with,

797
00:40:28,239 --> 00:40:30,319
Speaker 3: if this is the true nature of them not even

798
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:33,200
Speaker 3: giving me a minute of their time. As we grow,

799
00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:36,600
Speaker 3: relationships change and friends come and go. I just did

800
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,919
Speaker 3: not realize or understand or even think that this would

801
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,120
Speaker 3: be the reason why, and it is just hard to

802
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:44,120
Speaker 3: wrap my head around. Sometimes my child always comes back

803
00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:46,040
Speaker 3: from her house and is always telling me who he

804
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:50,359
Speaker 3: was with, and always mentioned seeing my old friends. At

805
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:54,760
Speaker 3: this point, it's almost numb. Sometimes I catch myself imagining revenge,

806
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:57,720
Speaker 3: like sending out fake wedding invites or posting something online

807
00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:00,680
Speaker 3: to expose her, or crafting a message to out friends

808
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:03,319
Speaker 3: who never asked my side. But I just can't bring

809
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:05,719
Speaker 3: myself to do any of that. I haven't even reached

810
00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:07,520
Speaker 3: out to ask my old friends why they didn't give

811
00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 3: me a chance. They abandoned me without asking. Instead, I

812
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:13,600
Speaker 3: try to focus on protecting my child and moving.

813
00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:15,719
Speaker 4: Forward because they already had an opinion about you, and

814
00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:17,759
Speaker 4: that's one they're gonna believe exactly.

815
00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:20,520
Speaker 3: They're not gonna they don't care to see the good

816
00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:23,000
Speaker 3: in you at all. Yeah, and there is so much

817
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:25,319
Speaker 3: more to the story. It would really make a crazy

818
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:28,360
Speaker 3: Netflix series if you ask me. Sitting on this sucks

819
00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:30,800
Speaker 3: and I just want to stop thinking about it forever,

820
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:33,480
Speaker 3: but I cannot. What should I do to ease my

821
00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:35,880
Speaker 3: pain on this? What else should OP do to ease

822
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:36,600
Speaker 3: his pain?

823
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:41,239
Speaker 4: The gym? Yeah, go to the Church of Jim. I

824
00:41:41,239 --> 00:41:43,319
Speaker 4: had a lot of pain after my breakup. It wasn't

825
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:45,640
Speaker 4: this horrific, Oh my gosh. Yeah, but that helped a

826
00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:48,480
Speaker 4: lot because I had a lot of you know, had

827
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:50,279
Speaker 4: pins up anger and that would kind of was a

828
00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:53,719
Speaker 4: healthy release of how to get that out and get

829
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:55,560
Speaker 4: that out of my system and you get stronger why

830
00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:57,319
Speaker 4: you do it, and you'll look good why you do it?

831
00:41:57,360 --> 00:42:01,160
Speaker 4: So it also is a confidence boost totally.

832
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:04,359
Speaker 3: There's some comments here. Comment number one says, honestly, all

833
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:05,919
Speaker 3: you can do is take it one day at a time,

834
00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:08,400
Speaker 3: enjoy the time that you spend with your kids, and

835
00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:11,719
Speaker 3: once they're grown, maybe plan to leave that community. It

836
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:14,239
Speaker 3: really sucks that all this has happened and that you're

837
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:17,400
Speaker 3: getting punished for someone else's shortcomings. But like you said,

838
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:19,880
Speaker 3: you can live your life knowing that you did the

839
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:23,520
Speaker 3: right thing, even by not legally sending the mom to jail,

840
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:27,440
Speaker 3: even though you should have. So just move forward as

841
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:29,960
Speaker 3: best you can. She still has to pay you anyways,

842
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:34,399
Speaker 3: so she's probably bitter about that. Loll um. And yeah,

843
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:36,879
Speaker 3: the rest of these these comments pretty much agree with us.

844
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:39,480
Speaker 3: I agree with that comment to like, take it one

845
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:42,160
Speaker 3: day at a time. You know what you did was right.

846
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:45,480
Speaker 3: Revenge is wrong, because then you'll now be in the wrong.

847
00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:50,040
Speaker 3: And eventually your friends and family are going to see

848
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,120
Speaker 3: this true side of her because it's going to be

849
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:56,440
Speaker 3: directed at them somehow. Oh yeah, and they'll in retrospect, understand.

850
00:42:56,880 --> 00:43:00,279
Speaker 3: And you just gotta be patient and folks on yourself.

851
00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:02,680
Speaker 3: And that's the end of this story. We're going on

852
00:43:02,760 --> 00:43:04,080
Speaker 3: to the next one.

853
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:07,239
Speaker 4: My marriage felled. Can I still be the father I

854
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:07,840
Speaker 4: was meant to be?

855
00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:09,200
Speaker 3: Absolutely?

856
00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:09,680
Speaker 2: You can.

857
00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:13,000
Speaker 4: Big warning pregnancy loss. I'm a thirty seven year old

858
00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:16,600
Speaker 4: divorce seat. It's been a long process. In twenty fifteen,

859
00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:19,520
Speaker 4: I reconnected with the woman I had a flinguit during

860
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:23,479
Speaker 4: nursing school. We'll call her Rose. She texted me while

861
00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:27,640
Speaker 4: driving back from Washington after leaving her ex boyfriend. I

862
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:30,680
Speaker 4: was fresh at a nursing school, just starting a new career,

863
00:43:30,800 --> 00:43:33,680
Speaker 4: and I figured out why not. By the way, this

864
00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:36,000
Speaker 4: comes from Johnny's D eighty seven, and if you want

865
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:37,480
Speaker 4: to be your own stories, go to the r slash

866
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:39,120
Speaker 4: Okay story to I'm supper at At, I'm.

867
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:41,120
Speaker 2: Riley, I'm Angie, I'm Carly.

868
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:43,040
Speaker 4: And we're here to give good advice. Goofully, but we

869
00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:45,000
Speaker 4: don't have all the answers. What do you got something

870
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:46,560
Speaker 4: to say? That's the one that commes down below and

871
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:49,680
Speaker 4: we'll love to read them. This was never a healthy relationship.

872
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:55,360
Speaker 4: She was emotionally harmful, manipulative, and controlling. She never actually

873
00:43:56,320 --> 00:43:59,759
Speaker 4: wantued me, But she didn't need to Rose out of

874
00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:02,759
Speaker 4: four year old daughter who moved here from the Philippines

875
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:05,239
Speaker 4: to be with her. The little girl didn't move with

876
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:08,720
Speaker 4: Rose right away due to the visa and green card issues.

877
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:12,360
Speaker 4: When she finally arrived, this little girl was absolutely terrified

878
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:15,040
Speaker 4: of me for over a year. I'm a big guy,

879
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:17,680
Speaker 4: six to two and about two hundred and fifty pounds,

880
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:18,600
Speaker 4: so it was.

881
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:19,359
Speaker 2: A lot for her.

882
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:22,640
Speaker 4: So many times during our relationship I was ready to

883
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:25,759
Speaker 4: just leave because Rose was never actually trying to be

884
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:30,160
Speaker 4: a good partner or mom. As time went on, I

885
00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:33,360
Speaker 4: became the primary person for her daughter. I went to

886
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:37,040
Speaker 4: parent teacher conferences, enrolled in her girl scouts, took her

887
00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:39,480
Speaker 4: to after school activities, and called out of work when

888
00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:42,399
Speaker 4: she was sick. I loved this little girl as if

889
00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:45,600
Speaker 4: I had been there from the start. The bio dad

890
00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:48,600
Speaker 4: isn't involved at all. Fast forward to twenty twenty and

891
00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:52,080
Speaker 4: we got married. It was peak VID, so we had

892
00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:54,560
Speaker 4: a small ceremony. I still felt like I was the

893
00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:56,960
Speaker 4: only one doing it because my self esteem was so

894
00:44:57,160 --> 00:44:59,640
Speaker 4: low that I thought it was the best I was

895
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:03,040
Speaker 4: going to and I knew I was the only dad

896
00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:06,160
Speaker 4: this little girl would ever have. Oh my gosh, you

897
00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:09,480
Speaker 4: were doing the Lord's work. You're an angel o pee,

898
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:13,240
Speaker 4: Holy cow.

899
00:45:12,719 --> 00:45:13,720
Speaker 2: She's Filipinos.

900
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:18,200
Speaker 3: So sweet. Yeah, this harm he's doing so good.

901
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:20,839
Speaker 4: I mean, keep it up if you, I mean, you're

902
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:22,960
Speaker 4: showing this girl unconditional love. This is the best thing

903
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:23,480
Speaker 4: you can do.

904
00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:28,320
Speaker 1: That's a little tall, You're just a little big.

905
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:30,120
Speaker 4: You're just a little giant giant.

906
00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:30,400
Speaker 3: You know.

907
00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:33,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a big, friendly giant. Literally.

908
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:39,800
Speaker 4: During our entire relationship, we rarely use birth control. Rose

909
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:42,959
Speaker 4: never got pregnant. In twenty twenty one, we moved into

910
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:45,920
Speaker 4: a house with her family, not for us, but for them,

911
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:49,040
Speaker 4: eight people in a five bedroom house. During that time,

912
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:51,920
Speaker 4: she kept saying it was my fault we hadn't had

913
00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:55,120
Speaker 4: a baby. Well, I've had a kid, so nothing's wrong

914
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:59,600
Speaker 4: with me. Nice, nice, very Uh that's like the best

915
00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:02,040
Speaker 4: thing you say to a partner, the right there, Yeah, right.

916
00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:04,759
Speaker 4: In twenty twenty two, I switched the day shift and

917
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:08,399
Speaker 4: started focusing on myself. A few months later, Rose found

918
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:10,640
Speaker 4: out she was pregnant, but within a week we were

919
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:14,880
Speaker 4: hit with devastating news. Pacy wasn't viable, and after an

920
00:46:14,880 --> 00:46:18,320
Speaker 4: emergency care, the doctor told us the only chance she'd

921
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:21,640
Speaker 4: ever have with the child again would be through IVF.

922
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:23,280
Speaker 3: Oh that's so sad.

923
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:26,840
Speaker 4: That stuff is expensive. We're both r ns making good money,

924
00:46:27,080 --> 00:46:30,799
Speaker 4: but she refused to sacrifice any lifestyle to save, so

925
00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:34,640
Speaker 4: her bright idea was to start and only pants. I

926
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:38,080
Speaker 4: was so against this. We were both nurses making over

927
00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:41,840
Speaker 4: one hundred k a year, paying low rent. She was adamant.

928
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:46,120
Speaker 4: Eventually I relented and let it happen. The money was good,

929
00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:47,400
Speaker 4: nothing else was.

930
00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:51,160
Speaker 3: Oh oh my gosh, that is so rough.

931
00:46:51,480 --> 00:46:54,360
Speaker 4: By May twenty twenty three, I caught her cheating on

932
00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:55,840
Speaker 4: me via Snapchat.

933
00:46:56,040 --> 00:46:58,120
Speaker 3: Oh what Snapchat?

934
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:01,360
Speaker 4: I don't know, Like if she cheating on you via Snapchat,

935
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:05,200
Speaker 4: but she's also has an only pans, it just feels counter.

936
00:47:05,719 --> 00:47:06,000
Speaker 2: You know.

937
00:47:06,239 --> 00:47:11,279
Speaker 3: It's either cheating by using Snapchat or he found out

938
00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:15,080
Speaker 3: about the cheating through Snapchat, like got their messages about like,

939
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:16,280
Speaker 3: oh last night was fun.

940
00:47:16,640 --> 00:47:18,839
Speaker 4: Oh her actually physically cheating.

941
00:47:18,680 --> 00:47:22,359
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's unclear exactly what that is, but.

942
00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:26,040
Speaker 4: I was done. I gave her one lass out, couple's therapy,

943
00:47:26,239 --> 00:47:29,920
Speaker 4: anything to save the marriage. She said I needed church,

944
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:36,279
Speaker 4: not counseling. So I packed my stuff and left. I

945
00:47:36,360 --> 00:47:39,560
Speaker 4: followed for a divorce. She didn't participate, and we had

946
00:47:39,640 --> 00:47:42,560
Speaker 4: nothing worth any value. I just wanted to be done

947
00:47:42,600 --> 00:47:45,240
Speaker 4: with her. And I'm still in my step daughter's life

948
00:47:45,560 --> 00:47:47,920
Speaker 4: and that will never change. Because I was packing to leave,

949
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:51,480
Speaker 4: my ex asked me, well, what if he gets me pregnant?

950
00:47:52,680 --> 00:47:55,360
Speaker 4: I just said, good for him. This woman had convinced

951
00:47:55,360 --> 00:47:57,840
Speaker 4: me for years that I wouldn't be able to have kids.

952
00:47:58,200 --> 00:48:00,960
Speaker 4: When I first started dating again, I was only focused

953
00:48:00,960 --> 00:48:03,879
Speaker 4: on someone who wanted to have kids. I waited through

954
00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:07,319
Speaker 4: a lot of bad matches. After some more therapy, I

955
00:48:07,320 --> 00:48:09,320
Speaker 4: got to a point where I realized I wanted to

956
00:48:09,400 --> 00:48:12,840
Speaker 4: find a good person. If kids happened, they happen. If not,

957
00:48:13,160 --> 00:48:15,480
Speaker 4: at least I found a good person. That brings us

958
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:19,240
Speaker 4: to January of this year, a friend introduced me to Amy,

959
00:48:19,840 --> 00:48:22,640
Speaker 4: a thirty three year old Jim Ratt with a twelve

960
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:26,120
Speaker 4: year old daughter. My ex's daughter is thirteen, so our

961
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:29,719
Speaker 4: situations were similar. We hit it off immediately. We had

962
00:48:29,719 --> 00:48:33,080
Speaker 4: the kid conversation and both of us were open to it,

963
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:36,759
Speaker 4: but we still made sure to use birth control. We

964
00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:41,560
Speaker 4: spent a lot of time together over the past few months, adventures, dates,

965
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:45,319
Speaker 4: just having a good time. Alright. Ope. I feel like

966
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:47,680
Speaker 4: if someone's like going to the gym a lot, that's

967
00:48:47,719 --> 00:48:50,319
Speaker 4: like a good like. It shows like they're disciplined. They're

968
00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:52,719
Speaker 4: also not afraid to do hard things. There's a lot

969
00:48:52,760 --> 00:48:53,240
Speaker 4: to the character.

970
00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:57,760
Speaker 3: It's very healthy too, just you know, physically and mentally.

971
00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:00,600
Speaker 3: So yeah, it's a plus, you know, maybe not something

972
00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:03,320
Speaker 3: that's super necessary all the time. Depending on your preferences,

973
00:49:03,320 --> 00:49:04,800
Speaker 3: but it's definitely a plus.

974
00:49:05,080 --> 00:49:07,480
Speaker 4: Last Friday, Amy and her daughter and I went to

975
00:49:07,520 --> 00:49:09,680
Speaker 4: watch a movie. As I was getting ready to leave,

976
00:49:09,760 --> 00:49:12,600
Speaker 4: she told me we need to sit down because we

977
00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:16,240
Speaker 4: needed to talk. I sat at her dining table waiting.

978
00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:20,040
Speaker 4: She set a positive pregnancy test in front of me.

979
00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:24,040
Speaker 4: I started bawling. Y'all, it wasn't your fault.

980
00:49:24,239 --> 00:49:25,360
Speaker 2: It wasn't your fault.

981
00:49:25,719 --> 00:49:27,640
Speaker 3: You have good juice.

982
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:30,359
Speaker 4: You have fertile juice. So pee, let's.

983
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:34,240
Speaker 3: Go really hate the consistent use of calling it juice.

984
00:49:34,320 --> 00:49:35,719
Speaker 4: What do you want to call it? You have good,

985
00:49:36,320 --> 00:49:38,880
Speaker 4: you have fertile. Nopeie, you have fertile.

986
00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:39,840
Speaker 3: You're fertile.

987
00:49:41,200 --> 00:49:41,880
Speaker 4: You're fertile.

988
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:44,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's all you need.

989
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:48,880
Speaker 4: I like fertile juice grass. But then here comes the boomerang.

990
00:49:49,600 --> 00:49:52,239
Speaker 4: She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to keep it.

991
00:49:52,600 --> 00:49:53,080
Speaker 3: Oh.

992
00:49:53,160 --> 00:49:55,880
Speaker 4: He detailed all the reasons, and all of them were valid.

993
00:49:56,239 --> 00:49:58,520
Speaker 4: If someone had asked me if I saw a life

994
00:49:58,560 --> 00:50:02,400
Speaker 4: with this woman without kids, I say yes, absolutely. Yesterday

995
00:50:02,440 --> 00:50:05,400
Speaker 4: we celebrated Mother's Day. I surprised her were flowers and

996
00:50:05,440 --> 00:50:07,759
Speaker 4: a gift, and took her to brunch and gave her

997
00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:10,799
Speaker 4: the best day I could. I didn't mention anything about

998
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:13,399
Speaker 4: the baby or questions. I just made it about her.

999
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:16,239
Speaker 4: After a brunch in a movie at her house, we

1000
00:50:16,239 --> 00:50:19,000
Speaker 4: were sitting on the couch honking. Her daughter was in

1001
00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:21,960
Speaker 4: the room. He told me, oh, I was gonna tell

1002
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,279
Speaker 4: her today. I looked at her and said, don't you

1003
00:50:24,320 --> 00:50:27,719
Speaker 4: think you should be sure before telling your daughter she's

1004
00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:30,160
Speaker 4: gonna have a younger sibling. She grabbed my hand and

1005
00:50:30,200 --> 00:50:33,080
Speaker 4: looked at me and said, I'm sure. We're having a baby,

1006
00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:34,480
Speaker 4: and we're doing it together.

1007
00:50:34,680 --> 00:50:37,680
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, family times.

1008
00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:39,240
Speaker 2: This is so sweet.

1009
00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:41,680
Speaker 4: It's like that one movie they watched that was the

1010
00:50:41,719 --> 00:50:42,520
Speaker 4: whole theme of.

1011
00:50:42,400 --> 00:50:45,720
Speaker 3: It, Really was it. Have you even seen that movie?

1012
00:50:45,960 --> 00:50:46,080
Speaker 2: No?

1013
00:50:46,560 --> 00:50:49,080
Speaker 4: But it does have family in it, it sure does.

1014
00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:50,960
Speaker 3: But this is so sweet.

1015
00:50:51,520 --> 00:50:53,360
Speaker 4: Guys. We got an update?

1016
00:50:53,640 --> 00:50:55,520
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, is this.

1017
00:50:55,560 --> 00:50:57,840
Speaker 4: One of those wholesome things.

1018
00:50:57,719 --> 00:50:59,960
Speaker 2: One of those whole stories they exist?

1019
00:51:00,920 --> 00:51:03,799
Speaker 4: Update? Well, three days later, she came over to my

1020
00:51:03,840 --> 00:51:06,680
Speaker 4: house and started breaking down in tears. She said she

1021
00:51:06,719 --> 00:51:10,280
Speaker 4: couldn't do it. It would take too much time from her daughter,

1022
00:51:10,920 --> 00:51:14,520
Speaker 4: too early in her relationship, and we didn't even live together.

1023
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:18,640
Speaker 4: All her reasons made absolute logical sense, and I just

1024
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:21,359
Speaker 4: sat there and took it in. I asked her if

1025
00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:23,879
Speaker 4: there was anything that could convince her to change her mind.

1026
00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:27,719
Speaker 4: She said no. I started crying myself, all for my

1027
00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:32,120
Speaker 4: own selfish reasons. She made an appointment for playing parenthood yesterday.

1028
00:51:32,360 --> 00:51:34,080
Speaker 4: By the time we were going to head of the appointment,

1029
00:51:34,200 --> 00:51:36,960
Speaker 4: I had already gotten into my headspace that this wasn't happening.

1030
00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:39,960
Speaker 4: I just tried to be there for her. After we left,

1031
00:51:40,120 --> 00:51:42,560
Speaker 4: we went home to her place, picked up her daughter,

1032
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:45,200
Speaker 4: and went to eat ramen. She fell asleep in my

1033
00:51:45,320 --> 00:51:48,400
Speaker 4: arms while watching another movie, and then I went home.

1034
00:51:48,680 --> 00:51:51,560
Speaker 4: I'm sitting in the parking lot of Sea World as

1035
00:51:51,600 --> 00:51:53,880
Speaker 4: I were at this waiting for a field trip for

1036
00:51:53,960 --> 00:51:58,080
Speaker 4: my ex daughter, just trying to keep my composure. Maybe

1037
00:51:58,200 --> 00:52:00,719
Speaker 4: I'm meant to always be the stepdad.

1038
00:52:01,400 --> 00:52:04,799
Speaker 3: Oh that's really sad, I think.

1039
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:08,600
Speaker 4: Yeah. I mean, you know, relationships happen and things. It's sad.

1040
00:52:08,680 --> 00:52:09,959
Speaker 4: I think this is this is sad.

1041
00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:12,200
Speaker 3: It is it is sad, And I wonder what her

1042
00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:15,160
Speaker 3: reasoning was for it. Did it mention her reasoning?

1043
00:52:15,280 --> 00:52:17,920
Speaker 4: She mentioned, like it was early in the relationship, take

1044
00:52:17,960 --> 00:52:21,200
Speaker 4: away Tom from her daughter and they don't even live together, gotcha?

1045
00:52:21,360 --> 00:52:25,560
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, okay, Well then I mean, you know, I mean,

1046
00:52:25,560 --> 00:52:29,399
Speaker 3: if you're really sure, then like maybe maybe it could

1047
00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:32,080
Speaker 3: still happen in the future further along in your relationship.

1048
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:36,600
Speaker 3: I mean, this was an accident. It wasn't prepared or planned, so.

1049
00:52:36,560 --> 00:52:38,720
Speaker 4: A little bit of sad sad ending.

1050
00:52:39,120 --> 00:52:41,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe it's just not well, there's still more to

1051
00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:41,799
Speaker 3: the story.

1052
00:52:41,920 --> 00:52:42,799
Speaker 4: Now that's it.

1053
00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:46,279
Speaker 3: Oh wow, that's it. Yeah, I mean maybe it will

1054
00:52:46,280 --> 00:52:49,920
Speaker 3: still be able to happen in the future in this relationship.

1055
00:52:50,040 --> 00:52:52,839
Speaker 3: If not, you know, maybe he'll find someone new where

1056
00:52:52,880 --> 00:52:56,440
Speaker 3: will maybe So yeah, and that's the end of this story.

1057
00:52:56,560 --> 00:52:58,600
Speaker 3: We're going on to the next one.

1058
00:52:58,880 --> 00:53:01,320
Speaker 1: John here og host. We're gonna get back to these stories,

1059
00:53:01,360 --> 00:53:03,480
Speaker 1: but a quick three minute break from As for our sponsors.

1060
00:53:04,120 --> 00:53:08,160
Speaker 2: My husband cheated emotionally, but his fantasies excite me.

1061
00:53:08,480 --> 00:53:11,400
Speaker 3: Oh interesting.

1062
00:53:11,960 --> 00:53:14,600
Speaker 2: I discovered last night that my husband has been having

1063
00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:18,799
Speaker 2: an emotional affair for three years with his coworker. He

1064
00:53:18,960 --> 00:53:21,880
Speaker 2: insists he would never sleep with her and hasn't attracted

1065
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:24,720
Speaker 2: to her in that sense, but they have shared very

1066
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:28,520
Speaker 2: explicit stories and he has turned to her for emotional

1067
00:53:28,560 --> 00:53:32,239
Speaker 2: support all this time. By the way, this comes from

1068
00:53:32,640 --> 00:53:36,480
Speaker 2: Ray Light Dawbery and if you want to submit your

1069
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:39,280
Speaker 2: own stories. Go to the r slash Okay storytime stub Breddit.

1070
00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:42,600
Speaker 2: I'm Carly, I'm Angie, I'm Keon, and we're here to

1071
00:53:42,640 --> 00:53:45,719
Speaker 2: give good advice. Goofuley, but we don't have all the answers.

1072
00:53:45,760 --> 00:53:47,799
Speaker 2: We only know what we would do, So let us

1073
00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:50,760
Speaker 2: know what you would do in the comments, and Opie

1074
00:53:50,800 --> 00:53:54,360
Speaker 2: says I have approached him so many times out of

1075
00:53:54,560 --> 00:53:58,080
Speaker 2: loving concern for his mental health and our relationship because

1076
00:53:58,080 --> 00:54:01,120
Speaker 2: he has been distant for years. But he assured me

1077
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:04,320
Speaker 2: every time that I was looking into it too much.

1078
00:54:04,920 --> 00:54:08,360
Speaker 2: Everything was fine. He said he was stressed but happy

1079
00:54:08,400 --> 00:54:12,359
Speaker 2: with us and our communication. Last year, he accidentally sent

1080
00:54:12,440 --> 00:54:15,839
Speaker 2: me a text meant for her and unsent it. I

1081
00:54:15,880 --> 00:54:18,400
Speaker 2: didn't even know that was a thing. In our fifteen

1082
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:20,719
Speaker 2: years together, if we've ever sent the wrong text to

1083
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:24,280
Speaker 2: each other, we've laughed it off. So when he unsent

1084
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:26,680
Speaker 2: it and I didn't see what it was, I asked

1085
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:30,520
Speaker 2: who it was for. I had seen a love heart emoji,

1086
00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:33,880
Speaker 2: so it definitely struck me as suspicious. He said it

1087
00:54:33,920 --> 00:54:36,920
Speaker 2: was to his coworker, who talks to him for support

1088
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:39,680
Speaker 2: because she's going through a difficult time with her husband.

1089
00:54:39,840 --> 00:54:43,560
Speaker 2: During IVF and her pregnancy. Mind you, he had told

1090
00:54:43,560 --> 00:54:46,960
Speaker 2: me for years that he couldn't stand her and that

1091
00:54:47,040 --> 00:54:51,240
Speaker 2: she pissed him off. Hmmm, he's never had female friends,

1092
00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:54,719
Speaker 2: and given his previous comments about her, I was stunned.

1093
00:54:55,360 --> 00:54:57,600
Speaker 2: He assured me they don't talk much and that it

1094
00:54:57,680 --> 00:55:00,319
Speaker 2: was just about her stuff and that we were all good.

1095
00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:03,840
Speaker 2: I struggled to let it go, so instead of hounding

1096
00:55:03,920 --> 00:55:07,200
Speaker 2: him or making unfounded accusations, I went to see my

1097
00:55:07,239 --> 00:55:10,960
Speaker 2: psychologist because I assumed my gut instinct was off. I

1098
00:55:11,040 --> 00:55:15,440
Speaker 2: spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars rewiring my thought process.

1099
00:55:15,960 --> 00:55:18,200
Speaker 2: When I first found out they were talking, I wrote

1100
00:55:18,239 --> 00:55:21,600
Speaker 2: a poem to process it. A few months later, when

1101
00:55:21,600 --> 00:55:23,680
Speaker 2: she had been on maternity leave for a while, I

1102
00:55:23,880 --> 00:55:27,080
Speaker 2: showed it to him. I was proud of it as

1103
00:55:27,239 --> 00:55:29,279
Speaker 2: a work of poetry, and it was a way of

1104
00:55:29,320 --> 00:55:31,680
Speaker 2: showing him what I had worked, done really hard to

1105
00:55:31,719 --> 00:55:35,839
Speaker 2: overcome for our relationship. He said it was an amazing

1106
00:55:35,880 --> 00:55:39,360
Speaker 2: piece of writing, and it crushed him. He was so

1107
00:55:39,400 --> 00:55:42,200
Speaker 2: sorry I felt that way, and he said I truly

1108
00:55:42,280 --> 00:55:47,160
Speaker 2: had nothing to worry about. He promised me yesterday I

1109
00:55:47,280 --> 00:55:51,880
Speaker 2: had some dodgy transactions on our Apple account. AI girlfriends

1110
00:55:51,880 --> 00:55:53,439
Speaker 2: at twenty three dollars a week.

1111
00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:55,160
Speaker 3: Oh what?

1112
00:55:56,360 --> 00:55:59,640
Speaker 2: When I established it wasn'n our teen son, I asked

1113
00:55:59,640 --> 00:56:02,480
Speaker 2: to see his phone, which I haven't done in our

1114
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:06,680
Speaker 2: fifteen years together. I was pissed off and feeling bitter,

1115
00:56:07,080 --> 00:56:10,000
Speaker 2: so I went to check his and her messages while

1116
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:12,719
Speaker 2: he sat there next to me watching. He said he

1117
00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:16,200
Speaker 2: didn't appreciate me checking his messages, and by the time

1118
00:56:16,200 --> 00:56:19,840
Speaker 2: I had finished reading the text and Instagram messages, it

1119
00:56:20,000 --> 00:56:23,799
Speaker 2: was pretty clear he had definite feelings for her and

1120
00:56:23,840 --> 00:56:29,000
Speaker 2: that I was not his best friend. Oo ah, honey,

1121
00:56:29,280 --> 00:56:31,240
Speaker 2: that's partner.

1122
00:56:32,080 --> 00:56:33,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I won't be both.

1123
00:56:34,080 --> 00:56:37,600
Speaker 2: Yeah. There was a lot of flirting, him making spicy

1124
00:56:37,680 --> 00:56:41,040
Speaker 2: related remarks and complaining that he doesn't get late enough

1125
00:56:41,200 --> 00:56:44,680
Speaker 2: discussions about his spicy related desires that I hadn't even

1126
00:56:44,800 --> 00:56:47,680
Speaker 2: been told of. She's married with a kid, and she

1127
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:52,160
Speaker 2: sent a lot of suspect memes and inappropriate things, but

1128
00:56:52,360 --> 00:56:54,080
Speaker 2: she made it clear that she loved him as a

1129
00:56:54,120 --> 00:56:58,400
Speaker 2: friend and nothing more. That's the only reason I don't

1130
00:56:58,480 --> 00:57:01,960
Speaker 2: think they've had spicy sleep. I couldn't see any explicit

1131
00:57:02,000 --> 00:57:04,879
Speaker 2: images of each other, but he had also deleted all

1132
00:57:05,000 --> 00:57:08,440
Speaker 2: texts prior to when he accidentally sent me the wrong

1133
00:57:08,520 --> 00:57:11,000
Speaker 2: text last year, he went out of his way to

1134
00:57:11,080 --> 00:57:14,400
Speaker 2: hide what they had. They sent each other lots of

1135
00:57:14,560 --> 00:57:18,360
Speaker 2: cutesy best friend memes as well as the schmechsy, flirty,

1136
00:57:18,480 --> 00:57:21,280
Speaker 2: cheeky ones. I need to say that I'm chronically ill.

1137
00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:25,960
Speaker 2: I have a pain disorder and arthritic joints, chronic migraines,

1138
00:57:26,080 --> 00:57:29,720
Speaker 2: and fatigue. But I know we need spicy related intimacy,

1139
00:57:29,880 --> 00:57:32,480
Speaker 2: and I feel bad that we don't have spicy sleep

1140
00:57:32,560 --> 00:57:36,160
Speaker 2: like we used to because of my illness. I've spoken

1141
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:38,880
Speaker 2: to him about how sorry I feel, and I've bought

1142
00:57:38,920 --> 00:57:42,520
Speaker 2: lingerie and toys to spice things up, so I thought

1143
00:57:42,520 --> 00:57:45,000
Speaker 2: he would see that I'm putting in extra effort. I

1144
00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:47,800
Speaker 2: made a conscious effort to try and not stretch it

1145
00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:51,439
Speaker 2: further than three weeks between spicy sleep, with some sort

1146
00:57:51,440 --> 00:57:54,400
Speaker 2: of act in between there too. But reading his chat

1147
00:57:54,400 --> 00:57:56,600
Speaker 2: with her was the first time I had seen that

1148
00:57:56,760 --> 00:57:59,919
Speaker 2: he's not happy. He said that with lack of into

1149
00:58:00,200 --> 00:58:02,360
Speaker 2: see I give him, and the way I'm sick and

1150
00:58:02,400 --> 00:58:06,080
Speaker 2: go to bed early, he doesn't want a life of celibacy,

1151
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:09,440
Speaker 2: but wouldn't push me or put pressure on me. He

1152
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:13,960
Speaker 2: also feels like a single dad. I'm floored. I've opened

1153
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:17,360
Speaker 2: up the channels for open communication. I've told him for

1154
00:58:17,560 --> 00:58:20,640
Speaker 2: years that he can tell me anything without judgment and

1155
00:58:20,800 --> 00:58:23,120
Speaker 2: that we would just work through whatever might be going

1156
00:58:23,160 --> 00:58:27,080
Speaker 2: on because we're a team and best friends. Despite all

1157
00:58:27,160 --> 00:58:29,640
Speaker 2: my pain and the stress in our lives, We've always

1158
00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:32,160
Speaker 2: said that we've had a great communication, and we were

1159
00:58:32,200 --> 00:58:35,480
Speaker 2: both so proud of that. There's not a lot in

1160
00:58:35,520 --> 00:58:38,720
Speaker 2: life that brings joy when I'm in constant pain and discomfort,

1161
00:58:39,240 --> 00:58:42,440
Speaker 2: but the strength of our relationship was one and our

1162
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:45,680
Speaker 2: kids are another. Now I find out from him that

1163
00:58:45,840 --> 00:58:48,240
Speaker 2: he didn't want to open up to me and instead

1164
00:58:48,320 --> 00:58:52,960
Speaker 2: chose to continue this dependency on her, even though I

1165
00:58:53,160 --> 00:58:56,200
Speaker 2: offered to sit and listen without judgment so I could

1166
00:58:56,240 --> 00:58:59,560
Speaker 2: help him, but instead that it was me looking into

1167
00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:03,840
Speaker 2: things too much, and that he was absolutely fine, albeit stressed,

1168
00:59:04,320 --> 00:59:08,160
Speaker 2: and that we were solid as ever. Now and it's today.

1169
00:59:08,720 --> 00:59:11,320
Speaker 2: I was so hurt and shocked that somehow he had

1170
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:14,840
Speaker 2: these spicy hobbies he's never told me about, and I've

1171
00:59:14,880 --> 00:59:18,040
Speaker 2: asked him what his spicy hobbies are because I'm keen

1172
00:59:18,120 --> 00:59:21,520
Speaker 2: to explore. I wanted to know what they were. He's

1173
00:59:21,600 --> 00:59:24,560
Speaker 2: telling me, and it's all stuff we've done before.

1174
00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:26,480
Speaker 3: What what?

1175
00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:30,960
Speaker 2: And for some stupid reason, it has turned me on

1176
00:59:31,320 --> 00:59:33,760
Speaker 2: so much to know that he loves the same stuff

1177
00:59:33,800 --> 00:59:36,240
Speaker 2: that I made clear I loved at the time.

1178
00:59:38,200 --> 00:59:43,600
Speaker 3: Wait wait, that's craz Oh he did the reverse no

1179
00:59:43,800 --> 00:59:44,480
Speaker 3: card like she.

1180
00:59:46,360 --> 00:59:47,080
Speaker 2: If she cat just.

1181
00:59:47,160 --> 00:59:49,800
Speaker 3: Someone cheating, She's not like mad that they're cheating. She's like,

1182
00:59:49,800 --> 00:59:50,920
Speaker 3: why didn't you guys include me?

1183
00:59:52,480 --> 00:59:56,160
Speaker 2: Gave me out? But he has absolutely broken my heart.

1184
00:59:56,480 --> 00:59:58,960
Speaker 2: I've never been so hurt in my life because he

1185
00:59:59,000 --> 01:00:02,280
Speaker 2: has lied to me and convinced me that my concerns

1186
01:00:02,280 --> 01:00:05,600
Speaker 2: were in my head when my gut was correct all along.

1187
01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:08,320
Speaker 2: How can I be so turned on by what he's

1188
01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:12,040
Speaker 2: saying after he has broken me? He's been awful and deceiving,

1189
01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:14,880
Speaker 2: and I'm so mad at her and feel betrayed. But

1190
01:00:15,120 --> 01:00:17,200
Speaker 2: it's such a cruel joke that if he had just

1191
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:19,959
Speaker 2: told me what he wanted at the beginning years ago,

1192
01:00:20,400 --> 01:00:23,920
Speaker 2: that he wanted more intimacy instead of seeking attention from

1193
01:00:23,960 --> 01:00:27,440
Speaker 2: other women, we wouldn't be in this situation. It took

1194
01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:31,400
Speaker 2: me discovering years of emotional infidelity to work out what

1195
01:00:31,560 --> 01:00:34,640
Speaker 2: has been his problem all along, And I'm turned on

1196
01:00:34,880 --> 01:00:37,000
Speaker 2: by what he should have told me in the first place.

1197
01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:39,720
Speaker 2: But I also don't even know if I can move

1198
01:00:39,760 --> 01:00:43,080
Speaker 2: on from what has happened. He has had feelings for

1199
01:00:43,160 --> 01:00:45,440
Speaker 2: this woman, which started because he couldn't tell me what

1200
01:00:45,560 --> 01:00:48,200
Speaker 2: he wanted, but he could tell her, and that he

1201
01:00:48,240 --> 01:00:52,520
Speaker 2: appealed to him. I'm so thrown and confused. What's wrong

1202
01:00:52,560 --> 01:00:52,880
Speaker 2: with me?

1203
01:00:53,600 --> 01:00:58,439
Speaker 3: Oh, nothing's wrong with you? You know? That really does suck though.

1204
01:00:58,480 --> 01:01:01,440
Speaker 3: It's like, dude, this problem could have been solved inside

1205
01:01:01,480 --> 01:01:02,000
Speaker 3: the house.

1206
01:01:02,440 --> 01:01:05,760
Speaker 2: Just the fact that he's like, we have such good communication, babe,

1207
01:01:05,840 --> 01:01:10,520
Speaker 2: and been like whispering all the communication in someone someone

1208
01:01:10,560 --> 01:01:11,280
Speaker 2: else's ears.

1209
01:01:11,440 --> 01:01:11,680
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1210
01:01:11,840 --> 01:01:15,080
Speaker 2: Literally, she's opened it up for you, dude.

1211
01:01:15,000 --> 01:01:18,000
Speaker 3: Right, Like, come on, you don't have to outsource all

1212
01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:22,720
Speaker 3: of this stuff. I'm right here. Yeah, that's all you need. Uh. Yeah,

1213
01:01:22,760 --> 01:01:25,680
Speaker 3: it's just I mean kind of same stuff, Like, Yo,

1214
01:01:25,920 --> 01:01:31,040
Speaker 3: what the f dude, Uh, I've been I've been here, here,

1215
01:01:31,160 --> 01:01:33,680
Speaker 3: I've been here, so yeah, I just want to know

1216
01:01:33,760 --> 01:01:37,280
Speaker 3: what if there's other reasons, because this doesn't feel like

1217
01:01:37,440 --> 01:01:39,520
Speaker 3: it just feels like an excuse from him. Right.

1218
01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:42,400
Speaker 2: So now I'm kind of like, what what happens from here?

1219
01:01:42,520 --> 01:01:45,240
Speaker 2: Like I'm like, how do you? Yeah, it's cheating but

1220
01:01:45,280 --> 01:01:46,080
Speaker 2: like you're down.

1221
01:01:46,760 --> 01:01:49,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, right, it's so weird comments.

1222
01:01:49,840 --> 01:01:52,760
Speaker 2: There is no right way to respond to a devastating

1223
01:01:52,800 --> 01:01:56,400
Speaker 2: and traumatic discovery like this. Allow yourself to feel what

1224
01:01:56,440 --> 01:01:58,920
Speaker 2: you feel, note it, but try not to judge it.

1225
01:01:59,000 --> 01:02:02,240
Speaker 2: Right now, you are likely ricocheting through the stages of

1226
01:02:02,280 --> 01:02:05,840
Speaker 2: grief at light speed. While your body is in flight

1227
01:02:06,080 --> 01:02:08,800
Speaker 2: or fight survive a mode. Your brain may do all

1228
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:10,840
Speaker 2: sorts of things to try to protect or comfort you

1229
01:02:10,920 --> 01:02:14,760
Speaker 2: right now. That's okay if you research it. It's actually

1230
01:02:14,800 --> 01:02:19,160
Speaker 2: a common response for people discovering infidelity to experience a

1231
01:02:19,360 --> 01:02:24,920
Speaker 2: rise in spicy related attraction to their cheating spouse. Our

1232
01:02:24,960 --> 01:02:28,160
Speaker 2: brains are in overdrive trying to protect us in such

1233
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:31,720
Speaker 2: a time. Be gentle with yourself for only feeling what

1234
01:02:31,840 --> 01:02:36,240
Speaker 2: is normal in response to insane information. I also want

1235
01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:38,520
Speaker 2: to reflect to you that in your story I hear

1236
01:02:38,560 --> 01:02:43,120
Speaker 2: a lot of emotional manipulation and gaslighting, making you feel

1237
01:02:43,200 --> 01:02:46,560
Speaker 2: crazy for your very logical responses to help cover up

1238
01:02:46,640 --> 01:02:51,760
Speaker 2: lies and deception. That is also very psychologically harmful, even

1239
01:02:51,800 --> 01:02:55,720
Speaker 2: if it's not calculated or maliciously motivated. For me, that

1240
01:02:55,840 --> 01:02:58,840
Speaker 2: harm was far larger than the spicy related acting out,

1241
01:02:59,400 --> 01:03:03,439
Speaker 2: So pain is legitimate and real. Even if he never

1242
01:03:03,520 --> 01:03:07,520
Speaker 2: had spicy sleep with her, he manipulated your reality either way,

1243
01:03:07,760 --> 01:03:11,439
Speaker 2: so that does major damage. Also, the things he tells

1244
01:03:11,480 --> 01:03:13,800
Speaker 2: you now when he is in the crisis of being

1245
01:03:13,840 --> 01:03:17,800
Speaker 2: caught could also be moral lies. In manipulation and gaslighting,

1246
01:03:18,480 --> 01:03:21,760
Speaker 2: he may have greater incentive now to deceive you. Your

1247
01:03:21,800 --> 01:03:24,520
Speaker 2: gut was right before. Try to listen to your gut.

1248
01:03:25,000 --> 01:03:27,680
Speaker 2: Try to take yourself out of the situation and say,

1249
01:03:27,760 --> 01:03:30,520
Speaker 2: if I was looking at this story objectively and didn't

1250
01:03:30,560 --> 01:03:33,680
Speaker 2: know these people, what would I tell her? I am

1251
01:03:33,800 --> 01:03:37,240
Speaker 2: so sorry, this is so impossibly hard and that is

1252
01:03:37,280 --> 01:03:38,400
Speaker 2: the end of that story.

1253
01:03:38,560 --> 01:03:42,600
Speaker 3: Wow? Wow, Oh comment though, that was a great comment.

1254
01:03:42,720 --> 01:03:45,280
Speaker 3: I never like thought or got that perspective of, like,

1255
01:03:45,800 --> 01:03:50,440
Speaker 3: you know, you're about that like attraction thing being normal

1256
01:03:50,520 --> 01:03:54,360
Speaker 3: in those situations.

1257
01:03:52,240 --> 01:03:54,120
Speaker 2: Like fix it, fix it, fix it.

1258
01:03:54,200 --> 01:03:56,600
Speaker 3: Yeah that would I could so see that happening, but

1259
01:03:56,640 --> 01:03:58,000
Speaker 3: I just never thought about that.

1260
01:03:58,120 --> 01:04:00,560
Speaker 2: I like the comment being like so realish sharing too

1261
01:04:00,680 --> 01:04:04,959
Speaker 2: about uh, just like you can still be incredibly hurt

1262
01:04:05,000 --> 01:04:07,920
Speaker 2: from emotional cheating because even though nothing happened, it is

1263
01:04:07,960 --> 01:04:10,360
Speaker 2: still cheating. Yeah, so many people are just kind of

1264
01:04:10,360 --> 01:04:13,160
Speaker 2: like zo when nothing actually happened. It's like real, like

1265
01:04:13,280 --> 01:04:14,840
Speaker 2: a whole connection happens.

1266
01:04:14,920 --> 01:04:16,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like there's so many things that could happen

1267
01:04:16,840 --> 01:04:19,720
Speaker 3: in a relationship that are just like hurtful anyway. Yeah,

1268
01:04:19,760 --> 01:04:22,360
Speaker 3: so it's like it doesn't it's kind of silly, like

1269
01:04:22,600 --> 01:04:25,200
Speaker 3: maybe people just disagree with calling it cheating, but it's

1270
01:04:25,200 --> 01:04:26,800
Speaker 3: silly to think that you can't get hurt by it

1271
01:04:26,840 --> 01:04:29,720
Speaker 3: because it's not physically cheating, right, you know, even if

1272
01:04:29,720 --> 01:04:31,880
Speaker 3: it's even if you can't call it cheating, it's still hurtful.

1273
01:04:32,040 --> 01:04:34,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I still think you can call it cheating.

1274
01:04:34,480 --> 01:04:38,240
Speaker 3: Yeah. Same, but yeah, and that's the end of this story.