WEBVTT - EP. 32 Are You a Narc? Feat therapist James Harris 0:00:00.720 --> 0:00:06.400 Talk. We're just too unapologetically black women with an opinion 0:00:06.960 --> 0:00:12.680 who talks. I just got off a flight. This was 0:00:12.720 --> 0:00:15.120 the most scary, the scariest flight I've ever been on 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:17.560 in my life. I might not fly for a little while. 0:00:19.480 --> 0:00:22.560 Place it was like smooth sailing, we're just selling just 0:00:22.760 --> 0:00:25.760 nice and the friendly skies. That felt like and then 0:00:25.760 --> 0:00:28.640 all of a sudden, it's just like boom boom, were 0:00:29.000 --> 0:00:32.199 bouncing up and down like this. The pilot is like, 0:00:32.479 --> 0:00:35.400 flight attendis, please take your seats. They running today. They 0:00:35.479 --> 0:00:38.920 run into their seats. They're not walking fast. These bitches 0:00:39.000 --> 0:00:41.800 is running and that's what made me scared. I'm like, okay, 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:45.639 they're moving. Different babies crying. Some people was screaming out 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:47.159 cuss words. It might have been me. I think it 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:53.120 was me. She was so scary, y'all, I could now 0:00:53.280 --> 0:00:55.800 wait to touch that ground. I was praying. Was that 0:00:55.800 --> 0:00:58.240 as soon as y'all got out of the ground and 0:00:58.280 --> 0:01:01.120 started happening. No, this was in uh when we were 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:05.039 landing in Charlotte. Oh, Shane, we just went through some 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:10.800 real big clouds. Um was it raining or anything? It 0:01:10.959 --> 0:01:22.560 wasn't raining, Shane. I'm glad, thank you. I'm so grateful 0:01:22.560 --> 0:01:27.040 to be here. Anyway, Thank you guys for tuning there 0:01:27.120 --> 0:01:29.680 for a new episode that we talked back. It's your 0:01:29.680 --> 0:01:33.479 girl a J It's Tim Bam y'all. I love y'all. 0:01:33.480 --> 0:01:35.880 I'm still alive. I love y'all even more this time, 0:01:36.480 --> 0:01:38.160 and then you gotta live a couple of times. In 0:01:38.160 --> 0:01:43.520 the last couple of weeks. I need to go to 0:01:43.640 --> 0:01:49.360 church for real. We have a guest today. Tell everybody 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:53.120 who you are. Hey, So what's going on? Good people? 0:01:53.160 --> 0:01:56.480 My name is James Hurst. I am located in Richmond, Virginia. 0:01:56.520 --> 0:01:59.360 I'm a therapist, I'm my father, I'm a veteran, I'm 0:01:59.400 --> 0:02:02.080 an entreprene nore and I founded a movement called Men 0:02:02.120 --> 0:02:04.920 to Hell, which focus on men's over a wellness, that 0:02:05.120 --> 0:02:07.320 mental health as well, it's that physical health. And I'm 0:02:07.320 --> 0:02:10.200 also the author of a book called Man, Just Express Yourself, 0:02:10.480 --> 0:02:12.560 which is the interactive Planner Guy for boys and men 0:02:12.639 --> 0:02:15.640 and better express themselves. You can find that Amazon, Bonds 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:19.080 and over Saget, Walmart, pretty much anywhere books and sold, 0:02:19.360 --> 0:02:23.560 including my website Men to Hell dot com, www. M 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:26.919 E N T O h e A l dot com, 0:02:28.160 --> 0:02:32.160 that elevator pictures, Hell of fue gotta get it in there, 0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:34.960 got to get it in there. I'm gonna buy that 0:02:35.000 --> 0:02:38.160 book for all the minute. I know doesn't do that. 0:02:38.480 --> 0:02:45.760 It's interactive, like exercises, crying to me after they made listen, 0:02:46.280 --> 0:02:49.079 So that that's pretty much the premise of it. It's 0:02:49.240 --> 0:02:52.800 um over sixty five different chop top topics in there, 0:02:53.200 --> 0:02:55.320 and a lot of wives been getting this book, a 0:02:55.320 --> 0:02:57.080 lot of partners being in this book and giving it 0:02:57.120 --> 0:02:59.440 to that significant other like that highlight, A couple of 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:01.799 different chop give it to him, he do a couple 0:03:01.800 --> 0:03:04.639 of exercises, then a process over dinner or day night. 0:03:04.720 --> 0:03:07.320 So now it doesn't feel like a chore to him 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:10.360 or feel like he's you know, being signaled out. It 0:03:10.440 --> 0:03:14.000 feels like an enhancement for the relationship, which is beneficial. 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:16.440 So I've been fortunate. UM And of course parents get 0:03:16.480 --> 0:03:18.960 it for the sons and stuff like that, but a 0:03:19.000 --> 0:03:21.480 lot of men get it as well to enhance what 0:03:21.639 --> 0:03:24.080 they are and then just you know, try to uncover 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:27.679 different layers and take the ultimate step of seeking services, 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:30.880 whether that's through a therapist or um, you know, trying 0:03:30.919 --> 0:03:33.480 to navigate that journey. But it's it's definitely a lot 0:03:33.520 --> 0:03:38.600 of conversation starters, and there was talking about trauma, grief, abandonment, displacement, 0:03:38.680 --> 0:03:43.400 which a lot of people have that they don't know, um, ego, pride, 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:47.440 just so many tough topics, you know, crying, uh, confidence, 0:03:47.640 --> 0:03:50.240 you know, just a lot of stuff that men talk 0:03:50.320 --> 0:03:52.560 about it in the bobby shops, so at the mechanic shop, 0:03:52.640 --> 0:03:55.640 but not in the company of other people who whether 0:03:55.640 --> 0:03:58.760 they feel they'll be judged for the vulnerability. So it's 0:03:58.760 --> 0:04:00.760 been a good thing about it in the barbershop though, 0:04:00.800 --> 0:04:02.360 because I just I just have a thing that I 0:04:02.400 --> 0:04:07.840 don't don't think men really communicate with each other. So community, Yeah, 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:14.360 communication is like it can be different, right, So communication 0:04:14.600 --> 0:04:17.480 to us is a two way screak. When I say us, 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:19.919 I may either people on here, so you're talking about 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:22.359 to give other message, to receive other message. But sometimes 0:04:22.360 --> 0:04:24.680 we have to check and make sure that people are 0:04:24.720 --> 0:04:27.919 comprehending what the actual messages, you know. So that's the 0:04:27.960 --> 0:04:32.040 main point. And then on on certain aspects. Men display 0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:36.040 different things differently as far as that communication. So that 0:04:36.120 --> 0:04:39.320 display may be anger it maybe aggression, it may be 0:04:39.440 --> 0:04:44.920 silent treatment, it just may be ignoring it, maybe reckless behavior. 0:04:45.080 --> 0:04:48.839 Being promiscuous or drinking substance use you know. So those 0:04:48.880 --> 0:04:53.040 things are him screaming out or communicating the way you 0:04:53.080 --> 0:04:55.880 know how. Um so those are some of the things too. 0:04:56.000 --> 0:04:58.680 Within session. Um, if I'm doing a session with the 0:04:58.760 --> 0:05:06.080 individual or couple, we break those things down. Mmmmm, I'm interesting. Yea, Yeah, 0:05:06.520 --> 0:05:08.839 any time when a man feels like comfortable enough to 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:13.159 cry in front of me and make I've heard that 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:15.320 a lot from a lot of different women. So I'm single, 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:19.039 so married because that one the ones that I've heard 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:22.760 it from. They feel like Dave became that safe place 0:05:22.800 --> 0:05:26.040 for him to land. Yeah, exactly, Like, so let me 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:29.080 cherish this moment that you're you're willing to be open 0:05:29.120 --> 0:05:31.360 and vulnerable with me. I know, for my lady, you know, 0:05:31.520 --> 0:05:34.320 I'm I'm expressive. I'm open, like if something not right, 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:36.440 I'm letting her know. If something is right, I'm letting 0:05:36.440 --> 0:05:39.359 her know too. I think oftentimes people feel like I 0:05:39.440 --> 0:05:41.080 only got to let you know when things are wrong, 0:05:41.600 --> 0:05:44.599 you know, but now you all that needs to be communicated. 0:05:44.640 --> 0:05:47.560 Something often to say is, uh, feel your feelings, and 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:50.919 especially to the men, because oftentimes they only feel those 0:05:50.960 --> 0:05:54.480 negative ones right, Like I don't mind, like I know 0:05:54.640 --> 0:05:57.640 that I'm peace. I know that about myself, right, and 0:05:57.680 --> 0:05:59.719 I don't want to say that like I just I 0:05:59.800 --> 0:06:03.360 know I am I'm you know what I'm saying. I 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:08.360 can facilitate peace and I can maintain peace. Right. So 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:11.440 I want a man on my man to be comfortable 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:13.400 enough to tell me what's going on, tell me about 0:06:13.400 --> 0:06:16.320 your pass present future, whatever it is, though, but don't 0:06:16.360 --> 0:06:18.640 come to me as if I could be your therapist. 0:06:19.560 --> 0:06:21.080 I feel like a lot of men, like they do 0:06:21.120 --> 0:06:23.560 want to be vulnerable with the woman there with, but 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:27.559 they think that that vulnerability means that they can place 0:06:27.680 --> 0:06:31.000 all of this heavy load on this woman. Yes, and 0:06:31.080 --> 0:06:34.160 she's supposed because even your therapist has a therapist oftentimes. 0:06:34.640 --> 0:06:36.680 So now if your woman is working on any type 0:06:36.680 --> 0:06:38.520 of healing she has going on, and maybe she has 0:06:38.560 --> 0:06:41.200 seen a therapist, and then you come unload your childhood 0:06:41.200 --> 0:06:43.520 ship that's happened to you and kind of try to 0:06:43.600 --> 0:06:46.280 use it to justify what's going on now in a relationship. 0:06:46.520 --> 0:06:51.240 How is a woman supposed to process? And um, make him, 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:53.159 you know, not to dismiss what he's saying, but make 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:56.000 him feel comfortable enough to continue to come to come 0:06:56.040 --> 0:06:59.320 to you with the ship. But how does that's a 0:06:59.320 --> 0:07:03.600 slippery slow many I'm not a therapist, so yeah. And 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:06.120 in many instances though, to be real with you, like 0:07:06.320 --> 0:07:10.360 especially in compass counseling, um, you you have to know 0:07:10.680 --> 0:07:13.800 whether regardless of which partner it is, like and some 0:07:13.840 --> 0:07:16.680 things transpired within your past or your childhood and things 0:07:16.680 --> 0:07:19.119 like that and you bring into their relationship now because 0:07:19.200 --> 0:07:23.679 oftentime it does that like unresolved trauma, complex trauma, unreserved grief, 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:28.320 those things manifest itself into a lack of emotional maturity, 0:07:28.440 --> 0:07:32.280 like within relationships, within your social relationships, within the workplace, 0:07:32.560 --> 0:07:36.480 but especially in your relationship. I definitely tell either partner, 0:07:36.600 --> 0:07:39.000 the wife or the husband or if they you know, 0:07:39.040 --> 0:07:42.000 an individual, you gotta take care of your emotional and 0:07:42.040 --> 0:07:44.880 your your physical safety first because if you are in 0:07:44.920 --> 0:07:47.520 a place to where you're taking all of this from 0:07:47.560 --> 0:07:51.560 your partner, it can be damaging and draining. So you 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:53.960 have to ensure that you're doing your self care or 0:07:54.320 --> 0:07:57.040 you're you're not only setting your boundary, but you're enforcing 0:07:57.040 --> 0:07:59.720 your boundary and letting them know like hey, I support you, 0:08:00.080 --> 0:08:01.840 I'm not going to enable you. I'm gonna try to 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:04.360 help you the best that can, and sometimes helping you 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:06.360 the best that can is falling back because I know 0:08:06.440 --> 0:08:08.600 I'm gonna be drained. So let me refer you to 0:08:08.760 --> 0:08:10.680 X y Z or let me see you this website 0:08:10.760 --> 0:08:13.600 or this workbook or you know, go to this group. 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:15.640 You know, so those things are here for as well. 0:08:16.040 --> 0:08:19.800 But I think in those instances the woman probably get 0:08:19.800 --> 0:08:21.800 fed up to and be like, yo, I'm I don't 0:08:21.840 --> 0:08:23.120 know to do. I don't have to tell you, and 0:08:23.160 --> 0:08:26.120 then it starts turning into a contanker, you know, it 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:28.600 becomes contakerous. So now they're arguing, this is about in 0:08:28.640 --> 0:08:30.840 my safe space. I can't come to you because you're 0:08:30.840 --> 0:08:33.719 not having me, you're nagging me, or you know, you're 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:35.840 throwing it back up like my ex did or like 0:08:35.880 --> 0:08:39.000 my mom did. So those things are the issue. But 0:08:39.120 --> 0:08:42.600 if if I think it's difficult because she or he 0:08:42.760 --> 0:08:46.640 probably wasn't taught how to you know, nurture somebody and 0:08:46.640 --> 0:08:48.920 take care of them in certain instances, there's so many 0:08:48.960 --> 0:08:51.160 women now who would saying, oh no, you saw if 0:08:51.160 --> 0:08:53.240 you're crying, you weak, you know, and that right there 0:08:53.280 --> 0:08:56.360 can be demonizing and can hurt him to come to 0:08:56.400 --> 0:09:00.240 her further or it can be her accepting him all 0:09:00.240 --> 0:09:03.520 those things and constantly draining herself, you know what I'm saying. 0:09:03.559 --> 0:09:06.920 So it's definitely a slipper slope like town Bam said. 0:09:07.000 --> 0:09:10.960 But find that fine balance. Definitely make sure that you 0:09:11.040 --> 0:09:13.520 are well enough and equipping enough to handle those things 0:09:14.040 --> 0:09:17.360 or a system and getting the help that he needs. Right, 0:09:17.440 --> 0:09:19.720 that's the part for me, because you know, some things 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:23.000 I feel like I don't need to know, Like if 0:09:23.040 --> 0:09:24.680 you're my man, Like, do I need to know that 0:09:24.720 --> 0:09:26.760 you're afraid of the dark? Tell your therapist because I 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:29.160 need to feel protected by you. You know, I don't 0:09:29.160 --> 0:09:31.480 want to know that you're scared of the dark because 0:09:31.520 --> 0:09:34.839 I don't know if that diminishing at the dark. Yeah, 0:09:34.880 --> 0:09:36.720 well you some of these niggas, you need to be 0:09:36.760 --> 0:09:39.680 scared of it at the dark for real. But no, 0:09:39.800 --> 0:09:42.720 I get you. You want certain information. You feel that 0:09:43.080 --> 0:09:46.079 it should be offloaded on somebody else and that it 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:48.400 should be compartmentalized. You know what I mean. You want 0:09:48.440 --> 0:09:52.600 certain information, but you want to still feel that I 0:09:52.679 --> 0:09:56.760 got safety. Yeah, safety and security. I'm gonna give a 0:09:56.760 --> 0:09:59.720 big one. You can't tell me that you were abused 0:09:59.760 --> 0:10:02.440 by a woman where you were younger, Right, and you 0:10:02.600 --> 0:10:03.959 never because I know a lot of men who have 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:06.720 been abused by women. But like just say, for instance, 0:10:06.760 --> 0:10:08.840 a man telling you that he was abused by women 0:10:08.880 --> 0:10:12.000 when he were younger. Now we're having intimacy issues and 0:10:12.040 --> 0:10:14.280 I keep telling you, hey, you're not delivering on this, 0:10:14.360 --> 0:10:16.840 You're not doing this that at all? What's up? You 0:10:16.880 --> 0:10:19.600 finally offload that onto me? Right, You've never seek the 0:10:19.600 --> 0:10:22.600 professional help and regarding it, And now I'm supposed to 0:10:22.600 --> 0:10:25.560 take that information and use it now to to to 0:10:25.720 --> 0:10:29.640 just be okay with why I'm having intimacy issues now 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:32.440 in our relationship and we're gross. I'm like, at some 0:10:32.480 --> 0:10:34.839 point you gotta take self responsibility and you gotta go 0:10:35.320 --> 0:10:37.560 do the work, you know. Tammy allays be like, what's 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:41.000 the work? Like, you know what is? You have to 0:10:41.000 --> 0:10:44.120 get past what that issue is, so so you don't 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:48.160 carry it on into relationships with other people. Yeah, and 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:51.720 they definitely manifest them. That says in relationships, especially those 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:54.640 issues like that, because it's so common for a young 0:10:54.679 --> 0:10:57.080 man to have a sexual experience at an early age 0:10:57.400 --> 0:11:00.960 and him not know that those things are a traumatic 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:05.120 experience or or experience that can impact him in different settings, 0:11:05.160 --> 0:11:08.439 and one of those settings being his relationship or being 0:11:08.640 --> 0:11:13.920 his within his parenting style, because now realistically he can 0:11:13.960 --> 0:11:15.960 revert back to like, oh man, I don't want my 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:19.199 young kids to do this because this happened to me. 0:11:19.320 --> 0:11:21.040 Like and that's why a lot of parents are guarded 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:23.480 um of something that happened to them in the past, 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:25.800 and or they're trying to shield them and prevent them 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:29.160 from things, or of course the opposite, Like you said, 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:31.560 it's just pretty much. Now I'm in this relationship, I 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:34.640 finally offloaded. For me, it's peaceful, but now my partner 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:38.800 got to deal with it, you know, next to you 0:11:38.840 --> 0:11:40.480 and you scared it the dart Now both of y'all 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:46.439 living is scared because listen, please close the bathroom doors. 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:48.320 All doors got to be closed because I don't like 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:52.440 looking down on dark goal. Yeah no, I like the 0:11:52.480 --> 0:11:58.960 door open. Door closed. Yes, door locked actually because if 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:00.600 somebody coming to his house at least something to hear 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:02.280 you suddenly with the door, I may had a pistol 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:04.840 by the time you get there. That's my thought process. 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:08.000 I'm with you. Yeah, that's dopey. I feeling like I 0:12:08.040 --> 0:12:13.440 need to see people coming. But yeah, you made it 0:12:13.480 --> 0:12:15.240 easy for him to say, you like my house, you 0:12:15.240 --> 0:12:20.720 gotta navigate this big they're gonna find me. I got 0:12:20.760 --> 0:12:24.480 a nice size, you know house. So if it's dark, 0:12:24.640 --> 0:12:27.560 My my theory is, you know, like now you got 0:12:27.679 --> 0:12:30.120 to navigate, I'm gonna hear something you mump or whatever. 0:12:30.520 --> 0:12:32.439 And by that time, like you said, I already got 0:12:32.440 --> 0:12:36.920 the tool. So let's get it. Still chicken, y'all get 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:44.240 you will see our therapists gotta go grilling girl period. Okay, 0:12:44.640 --> 0:12:47.160 with even more now, So I mean, I feel like 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:50.319 we can relate. And that's the and that's the whole 0:12:50.520 --> 0:12:55.240 premise of my therapist because me as a therapist, um 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:58.680 and and that ironically, that's how I got into the field. 0:12:58.679 --> 0:13:00.720 Like when I was younger, I was again group home 0:13:01.080 --> 0:13:03.520 and therapy was like a poor experience because one that 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:06.920 was mandatory then too. All the therapists was older white people. 0:13:06.960 --> 0:13:08.520 I'm just young kid from the projects, you know what 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:11.160 I'm saying. So it fell forced. It wasn't authentic. And 0:13:11.320 --> 0:13:13.960 now me as a therapist, I can be authentic. I 0:13:13.960 --> 0:13:15.960 can be myself. You see the jays behind me, the 0:13:15.960 --> 0:13:18.599 phones behind me. I'm relating to that young kid in 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:20.600 the projects. You know what I mean, that young kid 0:13:21.040 --> 0:13:24.920 who always missed the herd. You dressed like my uncle, 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:27.480 but you don't smell like we or this mom that 0:13:27.600 --> 0:13:30.600 comes and say, oh man, you're the first therapist. He 0:13:30.640 --> 0:13:33.000 don't have fat therapists before you. And he's talking out, 0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:35.840 you know, like it's relatable because I looked like him. 0:13:35.920 --> 0:13:39.600 And then of course as a veteran, I did army 0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:42.840 um eight years to deployments when Iraq, when I afghanistand 0:13:43.360 --> 0:13:46.680 and I appreciate that, and a lot of veterans tend 0:13:46.800 --> 0:13:49.160 to only go to the group's opposed to the the individual 0:13:49.280 --> 0:13:53.839 therapy because those therapists don't have combat experience. So it's like, yo, 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:56.760 we're in here, we're talking to somebody who's only process 0:13:56.800 --> 0:13:59.080 of information from the book, you know. So the groups 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:01.640 are more better because they got that shared experience that 0:14:01.720 --> 0:14:03.880 karadi we with somebody who've been through it. So for me, 0:14:04.280 --> 0:14:07.400 I touched on all those platforms by being authentically me, 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:10.280 and it's been paying off. Of course, the older people, 0:14:10.600 --> 0:14:13.200 you know, the season therapists, they have something to say 0:14:13.240 --> 0:14:19.520 at conferences and stuff like that. But exactly exactly, so 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:24.240 you know, I've been fortunate. Um, how my movement has grown, 0:14:24.320 --> 0:14:28.520 how it how it's been accepted, you know. Um, But 0:14:28.600 --> 0:14:32.240 of course with everything changes, um, one of those things 0:14:32.240 --> 0:14:35.600 that people have to adapt to. Right before we move 0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:38.120 into the next segment, here's a ward from our sponsors. 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:46.200 So look, we uh tam and I I'm pretty sure 0:14:46.280 --> 0:14:50.280 all y'all saw what was going on ambarose last weekend. 0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:53.680 We wanted to discuss the situation. We wanted to discuss 0:14:53.720 --> 0:14:57.240 the relationship. We wanted to just to discuss narcissism, you know, 0:14:57.240 --> 0:15:00.760 because she's basically calling her her last son's Day. I 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:03.480 don't know if they're married or not. Well I was 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:05.600 reading some articles and they said that they referred to 0:15:05.640 --> 0:15:07.800 each other as husband and wife, but there's no proof 0:15:07.800 --> 0:15:12.280 that they are actually married. So then she her living pain. 0:15:14.800 --> 0:15:18.240 We wanted to talk about narcissism, but we wanted a 0:15:18.280 --> 0:15:20.920 professional on the show as at the same time, just 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:26.760 so we can, um you know that professional input exactly. 0:15:27.280 --> 0:15:32.400 So that's where Mr Harris comes in. I just want 0:15:32.400 --> 0:15:36.640 to read what Amber wanted the tweets or actually was 0:15:36.640 --> 0:15:40.640 on her Instagram story last week. She said, when you're 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:44.840 in love with a narcissist, your brain tells you to 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:49.640 turn and run. Your heart says, stay, unanswered questions, gas lighting, 0:15:49.800 --> 0:15:54.120 stonewall and deflecting, projecting. I wish it was easy to 0:15:54.240 --> 0:15:56.800 fix him, but that's not for me to do. The 0:15:56.840 --> 0:15:59.680 pain cuts so deep, especially when children are involved. I 0:15:59.720 --> 0:16:02.200 will always love him so much, but I know I 0:16:02.240 --> 0:16:05.280 can't heal him. Only he can do that. I knew 0:16:05.280 --> 0:16:08.440 I had to set myself free publicly, or I would 0:16:08.440 --> 0:16:11.560 have stayed forever, never receiving the love I craving begged 0:16:11.600 --> 0:16:14.560 for it. Tough choice because it hurts so bad, but 0:16:14.640 --> 0:16:18.040 I chose me. I didn't want to have to do 0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:21.160 this all. I just wanted my family, my husband. She 0:16:21.240 --> 0:16:23.920 put that in all caps on this my husband. There's 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:26.320 only so many times I can ask a man to 0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:31.160 just be transparent, on honest and love me wholeheartedly. I 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:33.800 don't know if I'll get the happy ending I wanted, 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:36.680 but maybe I'll get the happy ending I deserve. Mother. 0:16:38.120 --> 0:16:42.440 So just one quick thing. It seems like Amber is 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:46.400 using the public too basically hold her accountable going forward. 0:16:46.720 --> 0:16:50.440 So she said she put this out there basically because 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:52.920 if if she hadn't done it publicly, she would have 0:16:53.000 --> 0:16:58.960 never leaved. So now she's making us responsible for her, 0:16:59.800 --> 0:17:03.760 she's sinking exactly because you know, the first thing, if 0:17:03.760 --> 0:17:05.280 she do go back to him, the first thing people 0:17:05.280 --> 0:17:07.879 gonna say, Oh, she's a dumb bitch, so dumb you 0:17:07.920 --> 0:17:11.159 are really god. But I mean, I guess, but she 0:17:11.200 --> 0:17:13.840 don't really care. I don't believe that people really follow that, 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:15.959 because you're gonna do what you want to do no 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:18.359 matter what public opinions is, excially when it comes to 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:21.400 matters of matters of the heart. Because he was already 0:17:21.440 --> 0:17:24.440 on he went live with some guys Big Vaughan and 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:28.119 something from some radio station, and he basically said, she 0:17:28.280 --> 0:17:31.719 messaged him instead of he apologizes publicly she would take 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:34.280 him back, and he basically told her like no, like 0:17:34.280 --> 0:17:36.919 he don't want to keep hurting her. He loved his family, 0:17:37.000 --> 0:17:39.639 he loves her, but he also loves himself and he 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:43.719 just loves women. So I guess loving himself is you know, 0:17:44.320 --> 0:17:47.520 I don't know, however, just say that in translation he 0:17:47.600 --> 0:17:53.760 still wants to have extras or whatever. He said he 0:17:53.760 --> 0:17:56.240 would be able to sustain for about six months, but 0:17:56.240 --> 0:17:58.600 then he would probably be back at it. That that's 0:17:58.600 --> 0:18:01.280 something that he asked the process that I mean that 0:18:01.440 --> 0:18:05.000 that's his truth. But that's also some damage there. You know, 0:18:05.119 --> 0:18:09.280 that's some has taken place within his lifestyle to where 0:18:09.280 --> 0:18:12.600 he feels that that's acceptable. Um, and I'm not saying 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:15.240 that's right or wrong, because there's so many different lifestyles 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:17.960 that are acceptable. Some people feel they need multiple people. 0:18:18.000 --> 0:18:20.800 Some people feel that one person is solely enough for 0:18:20.880 --> 0:18:22.960 them to live there in ton of uh, you know, 0:18:23.000 --> 0:18:25.040 the rest of their life with, so it all depends 0:18:25.040 --> 0:18:28.439 on them. The issue is he wrung her in thinking 0:18:28.480 --> 0:18:30.560 that it was just gonna beat them too, you know. 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:33.119 So the lack of communication, on the lack of understanding, 0:18:33.160 --> 0:18:36.840 that lack of agreement hinder that process. And now that's 0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:40.080 why it's a public disagreement because he maybe he tried, 0:18:40.280 --> 0:18:42.400 maybe he tried to be with just one person. Maybe 0:18:42.400 --> 0:18:44.240 he was like, I love her, I'm gonna try my 0:18:44.280 --> 0:18:50.000 best to be with Yeah, all of that we definitely 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:52.679 can take in consideration all of that, But the issue 0:18:52.880 --> 0:18:56.160 is now we agree to just be or not were 0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:58.600 in her man anyway? So either way, it wasn't clear 0:18:58.960 --> 0:19:02.480 because he very well can find somebody to say, oh, yeah, 0:19:02.520 --> 0:19:04.880 I'm cool with you having an additional part I'm cool 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:06.959 with it has been a trio I'm cool, would have been, 0:19:07.280 --> 0:19:10.560 but it sounds like she is saying, it's supposed to 0:19:10.600 --> 0:19:13.560 be being you on the kids, you know, so turn 0:19:13.640 --> 0:19:18.240 into Carl Thomas when you love someone, you just man, 0:19:20.119 --> 0:19:35.120 that's not Carled Thomas. My bad Karl and don Hey. 0:19:35.200 --> 0:19:38.040 But either way, I think the topic here was narcissistic. 0:19:38.080 --> 0:19:40.080 But I didn't hear like she didn't give a lot 0:19:40.160 --> 0:19:44.840 of examples of him being okay, so okay. I don't 0:19:44.880 --> 0:19:46.760 know if you're seen a video with him and these guys, 0:19:47.000 --> 0:19:53.320 she didn't give the examples, but he definitely displays narcissistic behaviors. 0:19:53.400 --> 0:19:57.720 He has no empathy whatsoever for what's going on right now. 0:19:57.920 --> 0:20:02.639 She's embarrassed u UM, and I mean we would have 0:20:02.680 --> 0:20:04.879 never known, right But the women that he's been cheating with, 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:08.760 obviously it's some people that probably some public people he's 0:20:08.800 --> 0:20:12.240 been been sleeping with. Um because she basically called him 0:20:12.240 --> 0:20:15.320 out first. So based on the interview, he are really 0:20:15.320 --> 0:20:16.960 not an interview. He just pulled up and did live 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:22.400 with some guys after after she put the ship on Instagram, 0:20:22.440 --> 0:20:25.200 and just his attitude about it about it all, Yeah, 0:20:25.240 --> 0:20:28.160 he was giggling, he was, and these guys were getting 0:20:28.200 --> 0:20:33.720 like it was funny and this woman is clearly hurting. Hmm. Yeah, 0:20:34.480 --> 0:20:38.960 so his lack of remorse, Um, for him, it's probably 0:20:39.000 --> 0:20:43.439 again like where he was was probably acceptable behavior to 0:20:43.560 --> 0:20:47.320 have those type of relationships or to be dogmatic and 0:20:47.400 --> 0:20:50.240 have those you know, situations to where he's sleeping with 0:20:50.240 --> 0:20:52.800 them out to women. It's praised in some areas, you 0:20:52.840 --> 0:20:54.679 know what I'm saying, So it probably sounds like he 0:20:54.760 --> 0:20:57.720 was on on that being in that spotlight or being 0:20:57.760 --> 0:21:00.000 in that the vicinity of those people he would selling 0:21:00.080 --> 0:21:03.400 the story to further enabled his behavior to make him 0:21:03.400 --> 0:21:06.720 feel comfortable enough to not display that that certain remorse, 0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:09.720 you know. And for me it's like accountability, um, not 0:21:10.680 --> 0:21:13.960 not even on a celebrity standpoint, but just somebody in 0:21:14.000 --> 0:21:17.800 the neighborhood. If I see a brother doing something that's unbecoming, 0:21:18.400 --> 0:21:22.600 I'm I'm letting them know, you know. Or if I see, yeah, 0:21:23.960 --> 0:21:25.920 men do that enough with each other when it comes 0:21:26.119 --> 0:21:28.119 I do, I think it's not. I think it's not 0:21:28.200 --> 0:21:31.040 displayed enough. But I definitely I can only speak for 0:21:31.119 --> 0:21:34.040 me and my circle and the people I engage with. 0:21:34.280 --> 0:21:38.239 I know accountability is big with the people I associated with. 0:21:38.840 --> 0:21:42.040 Uh So if it is something like you know you're engaged, 0:21:42.160 --> 0:21:44.960 but you talking to somebody else, or you murdered and 0:21:44.960 --> 0:21:47.520 you're trying to do X y Z. Now we're checking you. 0:21:47.520 --> 0:21:50.719 We're letting you know um that that's inappropriate, you know, 0:21:50.920 --> 0:21:53.680 or we you know, we handle it within within us 0:21:54.200 --> 0:21:56.679 um and letting you know how it can be a 0:21:56.680 --> 0:21:59.040 different situation like what you're putting on the land. We're 0:21:59.080 --> 0:22:01.800 just holding your accountable. We're letting you know the things 0:22:01.840 --> 0:22:03.840 that you can potentially rest and the people that you 0:22:03.840 --> 0:22:07.560 can potentially hurt, right I you know, I left a 0:22:07.600 --> 0:22:09.480 guy alone one time and I really liked him, but 0:22:09.520 --> 0:22:12.200