1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:09,719 Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning, 2 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:17,240 Speaker 1: This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's 3 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:22,560 Speaker 1: tip is to look for context friends. When people say 4 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 1: they want more friends, what they often mean is that 5 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,280 Speaker 1: they want someone to do X, Y or Z with. 6 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:35,159 Speaker 1: So figure out what X, Y or zas for you 7 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 1: and you will have a far more productive search. Today's 8 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:45,240 Speaker 1: tip comes courtesy of Anna Goldfarb, who is the author 9 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:49,879 Speaker 1: of the new book Modern Friendship. I recently interviewed her 10 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,479 Speaker 1: for my Best of Both Worlds podcasts. I asked her 11 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:57,600 Speaker 1: for advice for people who are feeling lonely and felt 12 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 1: that they needed more friends. Goldfarb told me that this 13 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 1: was the wrong way to frame the question. When people 14 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:09,280 Speaker 1: are feeling lonely, what they often mean is that they 15 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:13,759 Speaker 1: want someone who can do X, that is fill some 16 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,800 Speaker 1: specific need. Maybe you want someone you can go see 17 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:21,360 Speaker 1: movies with, or you want someone to run or walk with. 18 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:24,520 Speaker 1: Maybe you want someone who likes to go to brunch 19 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:28,039 Speaker 1: on Saturdays, or if you've got little kids and you 20 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 1: want someone who's always down for an afternoon playground trip, 21 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,320 Speaker 1: or who will text silly memes with you at night 22 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,800 Speaker 1: while you're sitting with your toddler trying to get the 23 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,000 Speaker 1: kid to go to bed, Well, you need to look 24 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:42,399 Speaker 1: for that. All of these suggest different approaches for looking. 25 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:46,240 Speaker 1: For instance, if you are looking for a friend who 26 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:51,880 Speaker 1: likes leisurely Saturday brunches, even if you personally have kids 27 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:56,080 Speaker 1: but your spouse and relatives love taking them all day Saturday, 28 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: it might be hard to find other folks with little 29 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:03,120 Speaker 1: kids in that situation, so you might be best off 30 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:07,440 Speaker 1: getting close with a colleague who doesn't have such responsibilities 31 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 1: but seems to like trying new restaurants. Or maybe it's 32 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,720 Speaker 1: a person you meet at the dog park who mentions 33 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,720 Speaker 1: her love of Bloody Mary's see if she would like 34 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,120 Speaker 1: to join you some weekend to have one. If you 35 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,480 Speaker 1: want a friend who will run with you, then you 36 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:27,880 Speaker 1: are best off joining some group runs, maybe some sponsored 37 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:31,680 Speaker 1: by your local running store or a nearby gym, and 38 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:35,000 Speaker 1: seeing who you might be compatible with. If you are 39 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 1: looking for other parents who would be up for afternoon 40 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:42,080 Speaker 1: playground trips, then you can see who seems cool at 41 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:46,760 Speaker 1: the library ten am story hour, because that person probably 42 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:51,720 Speaker 1: is also available during the day. I think this is 43 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,640 Speaker 1: a wise approach because it turns the problem of finding 44 00:02:54,760 --> 00:03:00,280 Speaker 1: friends into a more practical exercise. People who do X 45 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:04,800 Speaker 1: or Y tend to show themselves or congregate in certain places, 46 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,080 Speaker 1: so when you figure out what X or Y is 47 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:13,480 Speaker 1: for you, you can go look in those places. Now. Obviously, 48 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,880 Speaker 1: what a lot of us truly want is someone who 49 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,800 Speaker 1: will love us unconditionally and will help us feel seen 50 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 1: on a soul affirming level. But most of us only 51 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:27,400 Speaker 1: get a handful of those people in our lifetimes. The 52 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,720 Speaker 1: good news is that if you find a few running 53 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:33,079 Speaker 1: buddies you really hit it off with, over the course 54 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:37,320 Speaker 1: of a few years of weekly runs, someone can become 55 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:42,040 Speaker 1: that sole affirming friend. But if you start off hunting 56 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,720 Speaker 1: for the soul affirming friend, the search process might feel 57 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 1: a little more fraught and probably not all that fruitful. 58 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,680 Speaker 1: Best to look for context specific friends and then let 59 00:03:54,760 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 1: things proceed from there. In the meantime, this is Laura. 60 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:05,880 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of 61 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:15,520 Speaker 1: our time. Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast. If you've 62 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:19,720 Speaker 1: got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at 63 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 1: Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast is a 64 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:33,600 Speaker 1: production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia, Please visit 65 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to 66 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,360 Speaker 1: your favorite shows.