Speaker 1: When I first saw kay on Hofstrun News and Views,
Speaker 1: I knew she could be big in the Oprah. What
Speaker 1: you're taking it back to news and Views? Yes, And
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm really starting to wonder what life
Speaker 1: is going to look like for me now that I
Speaker 1: no longer we'll be having children. Dead as dead ass. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm Kadine and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellises. You
Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our boys
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therby most days. Wow. Oh and
Speaker 1: one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: we all we created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't
Speaker 1: want to talk about. Do the lens of a millennium
Speaker 1: married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say
Speaker 1: every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually
Speaker 1: saying facts one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and
Speaker 1: nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow Talk
Speaker 1: to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take you guys back. I know we've talked
Speaker 1: a lot on dead as a podcast about my vision
Speaker 1: when we started the conversation about what I wanted to do,
Speaker 1: and we've never really talked about all of the dreams
Speaker 1: you had. And I'm gonna take you guys back to
Speaker 1: when I fell in love with Condeen already. We had
Speaker 1: a conversation when we had our first date about what
Speaker 1: I wanted to do. And everyone's heard that conversation about
Speaker 1: Martin Beyond TV and saying I wanted to do that,
Speaker 1: but we never ever talk about what Cadeen says she
Speaker 1: wanted to do. I remember watching this young, like energetic,
Speaker 1: extremely articulate, which was this is no knock to anyone
Speaker 1: from Brooklyn, but I was used to the Brooklyn girls
Speaker 1: being round the way girls, even the intelligent ones were
Speaker 1: extremely still like like hood like. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: And I love that you know what I'm saying. All
Speaker 1: the West Indian women that I dated spoke with an accent.
Speaker 1: They were you know, you could tell which island they
Speaker 1: were from. But when I met you, you were so
Speaker 1: articulate that I did not know you a West Indian.
Speaker 1: Sound like I was from the Midwest. Yes, you sound
Speaker 1: like you were from the Midwest. And then I was
Speaker 1: trying to understand why did she talk like that? But
Speaker 1: then you did pageants and she won a lot of pageants.
Speaker 1: Then we get to college and she says to me
Speaker 1: in this conversation, well, I always wanted to be a
Speaker 1: news reporter. And I kid you not. She says she
Speaker 1: wanted to be a news reporter and the first thing
Speaker 1: I thought of was Oprah. Yeah, and I was just like, well,
Speaker 1: she definitely talks well enough to be an Oprah, But
Speaker 1: let me see if she has personality like I said
Speaker 1: before on a bunch of other podcasts, and I'm a
Speaker 1: very driven person. Codein says she wanted to stay on campus.
Speaker 1: She stayed on campus the first year and we were
Speaker 1: in the room with her roommate. Not gonna say her name,
Speaker 1: but we had a roommate, and Codein hated the fact
Speaker 1: that we had a roommate, so she had hers. She
Speaker 1: was like, yo, Deval, that's what I was like. Well,
Speaker 1: she was like, you know, if you become an RA,
Speaker 1: you get free room and bore plus you get a
Speaker 1: single And I was like, oh words. She was like yeah,
Speaker 1: and she was like I'm gonna become an RA. I
Speaker 1: was like okay, Like you know, people just say stuff codein,
Speaker 1: went and filled out the paperwork, did the interviews, and
Speaker 1: became an RA, then one RA of the Year. While
Speaker 1: doing that, she maintained at that time, I think it
Speaker 1: was a three point eight gpa point a gpa and
Speaker 1: she was a part of Hafter News and Views. I
Speaker 1: watched her on because I used to watch Hoftren News
Speaker 1: and Views the same way she used to support me
Speaker 1: in football. I used to watch Halfter News and Views
Speaker 1: because that was my baby that was going to be
Speaker 1: on TV. That was our news program, that the campus
Speaker 1: news program. And I watched her become a news anchor.
Speaker 1: Like everything she said she was going to do, she
Speaker 1: did it. She became an r she won RA of
Speaker 1: the Year. She said, I'm gonna go out for Hafter
Speaker 1: News and Views. She became a news anchor, not just
Speaker 1: a reporter. She became a news anchor on Hafter News
Speaker 1: and Views. She then got upgraded to be an AD
Speaker 1: when a D of the Year, then became an r D,
Speaker 1: became r D of the Year. And the only reason
Speaker 1: why she became an r d's because she said, what,
Speaker 1: I want to get my master's degree and I want
Speaker 1: to get it paid for. At that moment in our life.
Speaker 1: I said, I loved this woman because she says what
Speaker 1: she wants to do and she goes out and does it,
Speaker 1: and she does it with style. At that point I
Speaker 1: knew I was like in love and I'm not talking
Speaker 1: about lust because we was having a lot of sex
Speaker 1: in college. I was in lust, but I was in
Speaker 1: love with her ambition. I love that. This might be
Speaker 1: my favorite story time of all story times. I've got
Speaker 1: to be free, anything free, free, Yes, I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: no free to be me me anything me. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: go shout out to miss Dana Ross. Yes, um definitely
Speaker 1: didn't do with the service that she would have done it.
Speaker 1: But I'm thinking about being free, baby, but being free
Speaker 1: and getting back to work. So speaking of work and
Speaker 1: paying bills, let's take a quick break, yes, and then
Speaker 1: we can dive into whatever you're gonna be asking me today. Yes,
Speaker 1: all right, all right, we're back back. Yes, that was
Speaker 1: a great story time. I think like I was, you
Speaker 1: know saying before, Sometimes it's necessary for you to remember
Speaker 1: and feel what you were and how you felt in
Speaker 1: those moments, right, what you are? You still are those
Speaker 1: things right? Yes, it's a little cloudy, No, it's not
Speaker 1: you are on them, it's Claire's day you are. And
Speaker 1: that's when I want to ask you the questions. So
Speaker 1: before we I'm not gonna let you just dive into
Speaker 1: So I'm going to ask you questions specifically, Okay, go
Speaker 1: for it. When we first met in college and you
Speaker 1: were thinking about your life at any point during that process,
Speaker 1: were you clear about like, I'm going to have to
Speaker 1: take a break to have kids with this man, or
Speaker 1: were you just like, I'll see what happens. Well, I
Speaker 1: knew for sure when we started dating and I met you,
Speaker 1: I knew for sure, like after about two weeks that
Speaker 1: you were the one, right um. And I knew that
Speaker 1: having children would require me to of course maybe possibly
Speaker 1: take some time. But I'd seen the examples around me
Speaker 1: in my mom and my grandmother, who were in my eyes,
Speaker 1: super successful women who were career women, but also amazing mothers.
Speaker 1: And I felt like, in that moment, everything that I
Speaker 1: wanted to do in my life as a young teen,
Speaker 1: whether it was pageants, dance, school, being editor in chief
Speaker 1: of a newspaper at school, like, whatever it was that
Speaker 1: I wanted to do, there was no limitations, and there
Speaker 1: was really no distraction either. And I know my mom's
Speaker 1: number one fear when we started dating was that I
Speaker 1: was just going to be distracted from doing all of
Speaker 1: the things that I wanted to do. And to her point,
Speaker 1: I think you were, in part a distraction, But she
Speaker 1: was right. Yeah, she was right. You were definitely a distraction,
Speaker 1: but also too not a distraction that discouraged me from
Speaker 1: doing the things that I wanted to do. So, knowing
Speaker 1: that eventually we would be married and I would have children,
Speaker 1: I just felt like it would be easy for me
Speaker 1: to juggle a career and children and a husband, because why,
Speaker 1: I've seen people do it, and they do it successfully
Speaker 1: to my knowledge, right, So I thought it would just
Speaker 1: be something that would just naturally come easy to me,
Speaker 1: being able to juggle all of the things. I didn't
Speaker 1: really foresee what it would look like when I did
Speaker 1: have children, and wanting to then now take the time
Speaker 1: to actually be at home with my children. That's something
Speaker 1: that threw me for a loop, and I felt the
Speaker 1: struggle once we finally had Jackson to want to continue
Speaker 1: to be a contributing member of the family by working
Speaker 1: and doing my own thing and still trying to find
Speaker 1: my way into the industry that I went to school
Speaker 1: for and so much loved. But then there's just like
Speaker 1: this little boy at home who's completely changed my life. So,
Speaker 1: just to be clear, growing up as a young lady
Speaker 1: was successful mean in your family, your mom, your grandmother,
Speaker 1: No one explained to you how difficult the balance would
Speaker 1: be being a career woman. Even though you had these
Speaker 1: examples to watch, No one sat you down and said
Speaker 1: this is what it's going to take. Absolutely not it
Speaker 1: didn't or no one did. I should say I did
Speaker 1: see it happen where women were juggling these things around me,
Speaker 1: like mom and grandma and my aunts and stuff, But
Speaker 1: I didn't know the burnout that was involved in that,
Speaker 1: or I didn't know what sacrificed or what went on
Speaker 1: the back burner when other things thrived. So you could
Speaker 1: be an amazing career woman and give your job one
Speaker 1: hundred and ten percent, you can be an amazing mom
Speaker 1: and give yourself one hundred and ten percent. Are you
Speaker 1: going to be the same as a wife or vice versa.
Speaker 1: You may be an amazing wife, but are you a
Speaker 1: shitty mom because you don't feel like you can divide
Speaker 1: the time. It's like something always suffered. So you're saying
Speaker 1: it was three versions of you. There was three versions
Speaker 1: of your mom that you watched. It was the wife,
Speaker 1: the mom, the career woman, and then fourth would be
Speaker 1: her as a person. And then okay, so for the or,
Speaker 1: it would have to be her as a person first,
Speaker 1: just take care of herself, right, then she has to
Speaker 1: be what would be next? Next? She would have to
Speaker 1: be her as a wife, her as a wife, right,
Speaker 1: her as a mom a and then her as a
Speaker 1: career woman. So so there was these four people that
Speaker 1: she had to take care of. First, you have to
Speaker 1: take care of her serf herself, then her husband and
Speaker 1: her kids, then her career in that order, right, And
Speaker 1: you feel I think you would think that, okay, And
Speaker 1: when you watched her, did it seem like And then
Speaker 1: when I watched her as I got older, I was like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: So she as an individual was at the very bottom
Speaker 1: of the totem pole, okay, the very bottom. Very rarely
Speaker 1: did I see her take the time to take care
Speaker 1: of herself. She was supposed to be number one, right,
Speaker 1: She was always last. She was always last. And the
Speaker 1: reason why I said she was supposed to be number
Speaker 1: one because at the rate that she was working at,
Speaker 1: the rate that she was trucking me and my brother
Speaker 1: and my sister at this event and that competition and
Speaker 1: that pageant, and the way she was moving. I never
Speaker 1: saw her take time to re report into herself, right
Speaker 1: to refill her cut. So I felt like she was
Speaker 1: always operating in a deficit lack of sleep. I would
Speaker 1: wake up at a random three am in the morning
Speaker 1: to use the bathroom, and she'd be up doing what
Speaker 1: paperwork notes, catching up on stuff that she should fall
Speaker 1: behind them because she had two jobs. She was doing
Speaker 1: so much to make sure that we were able to
Speaker 1: do everything that we wanted to do. So she fell
Speaker 1: to the very bottom. So she was last. What do
Speaker 1: you think came first, work mom or wife? I think
Speaker 1: I think she was definitely nick and neck would have
Speaker 1: been working mom, okay, right, because her job when we
Speaker 1: were growing up afforded her the opportunity and the flexibility
Speaker 1: to be able to be there for us as children
Speaker 1: to jump in. If you know, say Kadeen has an
Speaker 1: early practice that she has to get to, you know,
Speaker 1: I can schedule my patients around us so I can
Speaker 1: get that little time in between to make that pta
Speaker 1: meeting or make that practice, so she found time to
Speaker 1: prioritize work and motherhood. Working motherhood for sure, for sure,
Speaker 1: And then underneath that, I would say, I wasn't too
Speaker 1: privy to like how my parents' relationship was when I
Speaker 1: was a teenager. You know, there certain things that you
Speaker 1: noticed as a teenager, and you're just like, I don't
Speaker 1: know about that, but I know for sure that my
Speaker 1: dad and her were definitely starting to kind of as
Speaker 1: the years went by, it seemed like there was a
Speaker 1: disconnect happening there. So that fell as well. And I
Speaker 1: asked that question because I think it's clear to point
Speaker 1: out that even though you grew up in a house
Speaker 1: with a successful woman as far as every aspect of
Speaker 1: her life, no one ever explained to you going into
Speaker 1: womanhood what that would look like. The reason why I
Speaker 1: wanted to ask that question is because at any point,
Speaker 1: when we start to get serious, did you ever say
Speaker 1: how am I going to balance my career, my relationship
Speaker 1: and when I'm ready to start having kids? Never? I
Speaker 1: always just thought it was something that would just happen,
Speaker 1: you know, when they say, oh, when a woman has
Speaker 1: a baby, like becoming a mother is just natural instinct
Speaker 1: is going to kick in and she will just naturally
Speaker 1: do what she thinks is best for herself and her child.
Speaker 1: And that does happen to an extent, But nothing naturally
Speaker 1: happens when you're considering another whole ass human who's an
Speaker 1: adult aka your spouse, who has their own working mind,
Speaker 1: their own working way of doing things, the way that
Speaker 1: they receive things, the way they want things done, and
Speaker 1: then having you, who was particularly demanding as just a
Speaker 1: person in general. Right, I didn't know what that was
Speaker 1: going to look like for me, So things that I
Speaker 1: thought that would just naturally kind of happen and figure
Speaker 1: themselves out never did. So then that required me to
Speaker 1: then say, shit, like a lot more energy than I
Speaker 1: thought now has to be placed into Kadeine as a wife,
Speaker 1: right because now I'm not going to be considering what
Speaker 1: I need per se. I want to be considering what
Speaker 1: this man needs, my husband needs. And the reason why
Speaker 1: I'm asking this question is not only just so women
Speaker 1: can understand that, but men and understand that, or any
Speaker 1: significant other they can understand that when you just expect
Speaker 1: someone to come into life having both their parents, it's
Speaker 1: watching their mom be successful. Because I remember saying to
Speaker 1: you a lot of times, your mom worked a full
Speaker 1: time job and I had the kids, and you should
Speaker 1: be able to do it. Yeah, the first person to
Speaker 1: ever have to do this. Yes, no one ever taught you,
Speaker 1: Which means we should start having grace for women going
Speaker 1: through this process of beginning to have children and be
Speaker 1: a wife and be a career woman, and to understand
Speaker 1: that no one has taught her how to balance this,
Speaker 1: so she's learning on the job. And if I would
Speaker 1: have known more then that I know now, I would
Speaker 1: have been a little bit more understand well, a lot
Speaker 1: more understanding that that shit that that transition is major.
Speaker 1: It's a major transition because it's a whole lot of
Speaker 1: figuring out. So not only is it now, and it
Speaker 1: depends on what order things happen for you, right, So
Speaker 1: for us, it was us being deliberate about we're dating,
Speaker 1: and then we got married and we had children. So
Speaker 1: you have children before you get married like that throws
Speaker 1: a whole nother dynamic inst the mix. Too. But but
Speaker 1: did you at any point say I have to a
Speaker 1: lot time in my career to have kids. As a man,
Speaker 1: I've never had to think about You've never had to
Speaker 1: be like, Damn, I'm gonna be working on these films
Speaker 1: and these projects and playing football, but if I get pregnant,
Speaker 1: I might have to stop, right. I've never had have
Speaker 1: you had to think about that? Of course I thought
Speaker 1: about that, So I've thought about that a lot. And
Speaker 1: also depending on the number of children we're going to have.
Speaker 1: And over the course of how many years, my fear
Speaker 1: was always being in a field like broadcasting or being
Speaker 1: on television. First off, the way you look is your business, right,
Speaker 1: that's your business card. That's what people see first. So
Speaker 1: there's that pressure to make sure that you're looking and
Speaker 1: feeling your best right. But then there's also there's never
Speaker 1: a cookie cutter way to enter into that industry. So
Speaker 1: when you're hot and someone knows who you are, and
Speaker 1: your career tends to be taking off, do you really
Speaker 1: want to now stop and take time to not have
Speaker 1: a child, be away for six weeks or more and
Speaker 1: then potentially be forgotten in the industry and then someone
Speaker 1: new coming in and taking that slot. That's something that
Speaker 1: I figured and that's what has been in the backroom,
Speaker 1: always in the back of my mind. Something that you've
Speaker 1: had to kind of decide, like I'm gonna make a
Speaker 1: choice to do this or not. Right, So it's like,
Speaker 1: am I gonna make a choice to say, Okay, we're
Speaker 1: not going to have children. Now, let me go full
Speaker 1: throttle into my career. Let me make some segue or
Speaker 1: some headweight into advancing my career, and then potentially having
Speaker 1: to stop that momentum because I know that once I
Speaker 1: have this baby or I get pregnant, I'm going to
Speaker 1: be out of the running for say ten months plus postpartum,
Speaker 1: so it's potentially a year and a half. To y'all, head,
Speaker 1: y'all head dacota do y'all had dacoda, everybody, this is
Speaker 1: proof that we do the podcast at home when you
Speaker 1: had the baby client in the background and then me,
Speaker 1: I literally stopped everything and I'm listening to like, who
Speaker 1: got them? Does anyone have them? So that's life? Right,
Speaker 1: That's life? What was I saying? So we're so I'm
Speaker 1: concerned about now having to take a break from that
Speaker 1: ascension to then being out for potentially a year and
Speaker 1: a half to two years to have a baby, go
Speaker 1: through the postpartum phase, potentially breastfeed, nurture, all that, going
Speaker 1: back into the workforce, not even knowing how hormonally I'm
Speaker 1: going to feel now having to then leave my baby
Speaker 1: to go back to work. That whole process is just
Speaker 1: it was daunting for me and it's not anything that
Speaker 1: I thought about prior to. So I'm about to cross
Speaker 1: my leg because I have a very difficult question here
Speaker 1: is this is the interview or leg cross? Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: I love it, which no socks. Was there any point
Speaker 1: during our marriage where you were pregnant and you regret
Speaker 1: making the choice in that moment because you felt like
Speaker 1: you had started to make headway and had to stop
Speaker 1: to have a baby? Does a tough question? That's a question,
Speaker 1: and I want the truth, yes, the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and then but the truth. So, getting pregnant with Kaz
Speaker 1: so so soon after Cairo definitely threw me for a loop.
Speaker 1: I don't think necessarily there was a career thing that
Speaker 1: was happening, but it was just I just had a baby,
Speaker 1: Like I literally just had a baby. Kiro was only
Speaker 1: six months and then Kaz popped up as a surprise
Speaker 1: like I am, and I was like shit, like I'm
Speaker 1: still in the postpartum phase, like I'm still nursing Cairo,
Speaker 1: like how can I be just having a baby and
Speaker 1: about to have another baby at the same time. That
Speaker 1: was an extremely stressful time for me because I was
Speaker 1: thinking about the idea first of having two children under two.
Speaker 1: My career wasn't even a thing at that point. Yes,
Speaker 1: it was. I remember, see see this is this is how,
Speaker 1: that's how cloud of my judgment probably was concerned about that.
Speaker 1: But I remember, um, I had made the video with
Speaker 1: Cairo and they had gone viral, and we had started
Speaker 1: to get a lot more opportunities, and you were getting
Speaker 1: a lot more hosting opportunities. Is that when I was
Speaker 1: with the Hot Zone USA. No, you weren't with the House, remember,
Speaker 1: because you had you had gotten pregnant. You had stopped
Speaker 1: the Hot Zone. This was okay, But this was when
Speaker 1: I had made the video in April of Cairo and
Speaker 1: I had gone viral, and then both of our social
Speaker 1: media started to blow up. Then we both started to
Speaker 1: get a lot more opportunities for you to talk about
Speaker 1: the process and talk about different things. And then Black
Speaker 1: Love had happened. And when Black Love had happened, yes,
Speaker 1: we had met with Tommy and Cody and I might
Speaker 1: have just been I didn't know you didn't know, but
Speaker 1: I remember Cody saying, Man, you would be great to
Speaker 1: host these different segments. We had ideas for Blacky and
Speaker 1: then you got pregnant with Cass and I was like, man, like,
Speaker 1: we had met some people who at the time they
Speaker 1: lived in LA. Tommy had some connections. Cody was building
Speaker 1: out her whole idea for black Love. Yes, they were
Speaker 1: looking for correspondence and looking for people to head these segments.
Speaker 1: And we lived in New York, right, We're thinking about
Speaker 1: the about the move to LA, and we were saying
Speaker 1: we're gonna move to LA. And then you got pregnant.
Speaker 1: We said we can't move with you being pregnant, right,
Speaker 1: So I remember with two and a half kids. Yes,
Speaker 1: I remember saying that, I'm just like, how are we
Speaker 1: gonna move to LA with two and a half kids
Speaker 1: and no help? And there were so many things that
Speaker 1: going through our minds, and I remember saying, like, man,
Speaker 1: like her getting pregnant might have stopped her from getting
Speaker 1: another opportunity. The reason that's why I asked about the
Speaker 1: regret regret question because I was like, I remember that
Speaker 1: in particularly like, man, we were moving, we were moving,
Speaker 1: and it's like she's pregnant again, and it was okay,
Speaker 1: let's sit still, yeah, because we're gonna need help in
Speaker 1: our villages here. And that was for the first time
Speaker 1: I had felt like your our pregnancy had halted our
Speaker 1: ascension in a different direction. Correct, well, not really our
Speaker 1: because you were free to do whatever you wanted to,
Speaker 1: and I was going to support you either I'm going
Speaker 1: to move to LA and let my families. Well not
Speaker 1: the LA move, but I'm like you, even if something
Speaker 1: became available in the in LA. You were free to
Speaker 1: go to LA and say you had to work like
Speaker 1: you always have the freedom to do that, and I didn't.
Speaker 1: But the move to LA, to me, was going to
Speaker 1: be the change that sparked other opportunities for both being
Speaker 1: in events, for both of us being at events and
Speaker 1: people getting a chance to meet us. It's like recently,
Speaker 1: you go places and people get to see you in
Speaker 1: person and then their producer or their business partner. Right,
Speaker 1: so much networking is involved because this business is based
Speaker 1: on relationships, Yes, and it's important to say that, especially
Speaker 1: what we're talking about now. People always say this thing,
Speaker 1: you know, Well, they don't say this thing. It's not
Speaker 1: about what you know, what's who you know, it's even
Speaker 1: deeper than that. It's not even about who you know,
Speaker 1: it's about who knows you. Yes, right, And I felt
Speaker 1: like every time you had to stop and take a
Speaker 1: year and a half off those people who knew you
Speaker 1: was out of sight, out of mind. Right, I had
Speaker 1: Kaden in mind for this, right. Being in the industry
Speaker 1: is so fickle, It really is so fickle. You were
Speaker 1: in a position, I think it was three years ago,
Speaker 1: to be on a daytime talk show. We can't disclose
Speaker 1: with who else, and everything was in the works. The
Speaker 1: producers contacted you wanted the reel, We sent the reel
Speaker 1: over everything that's moving, and she got pregnant, and then
Speaker 1: the show got canned and went in another direction, did
Speaker 1: a whole another daytime TV show. And that's what made
Speaker 1: me realize, like, wow, as a woman, there's so much
Speaker 1: more to think about when you're starting this process of
Speaker 1: light of creating life, and everything else in your life
Speaker 1: has to stop, has to stop, so you know, after
Speaker 1: you know where the conflict arises. For me, So I
Speaker 1: think about driven, ambitious Kadeen, who was you know, doing
Speaker 1: pageants winning pageants? When I met you, I had just
Speaker 1: want a national pageants, um, you know, news and views,
Speaker 1: you know rd A d of the Year, all that
Speaker 1: good stuff. That passion and that vigor for career success
Speaker 1: altered for me when I started having children because it
Speaker 1: made me reassess what was my real purpose in life.
Speaker 1: It made me reassess how important career ascension was for
Speaker 1: me when I eventually had now three children. Extremely confused,
Speaker 1: extremely confused, Still confused a bit to this day. But
Speaker 1: I think the relief that I have now life after
Speaker 1: the v sectimyum, No, Well, first of all, that's what
Speaker 1: let's be clear. Life hasn't really officially begun after visits
Speaker 1: sect to me until the val goes to get the
Speaker 1: sample checked. Y'all. De Val has not been back to
Speaker 1: get his sample checked. And until I know that the
Speaker 1: pipes are clear and the swimmers ain't swimming no more,
Speaker 1: we ain't really in the clear yet. Okay, Because if
Speaker 1: you recall season eight or nine, I had my best
Speaker 1: friend Bianca here, and Bianca told the story about her
Speaker 1: having her fifth child after v sectomy that was not clear.
Speaker 1: So we're gonna do that first. Well, I like how
Speaker 1: she says, devoted and go back to get his sample checked.
Speaker 1: We did this together as a team. Someone has to
Speaker 1: help me get the sample out. I've been helping you. Okay, listen, listen,
Speaker 1: I've been helping you. The doctor said, twenty to twenty
Speaker 1: five times, approximately six to eight weeks, you would have
Speaker 1: gotten you're twenty to twenty five times within at least
Speaker 1: twenty to twenty five days. This is where the kid
Speaker 1: the cap starts. CoDeeN said to me a couple of
Speaker 1: weeks ago. Yo, this day, we're gonna wake up. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get that sample out and we gonna go. Did
Speaker 1: you wake me up to get the sample out? Miss
Speaker 1: missus right then? Don't let it all up to me
Speaker 1: and be like de viol ain't do this. No, she
Speaker 1: didn't get up with me to help me get the
Speaker 1: sample out, Because we want out several times. We just
Speaker 1: have to collect it and take the specimen in. So
Speaker 1: once this did we once this round the sample like
Speaker 1: we had planned once this round of podcasting? Question? You see,
Speaker 1: I'm answering the question. No, no no, no, no no, did we
Speaker 1: get up collect the sample together like morning? Right then?
Speaker 1: So don't say devout didn't we didn't? We over me?
Speaker 1: We not d over me. We Well, I won't be
Speaker 1: over that d until we make sure we get that
Speaker 1: sample cleared and I can get off for this mini
Speaker 1: pill because I am technically not in the clear either.
Speaker 1: I got on the mini pill just in case, just
Speaker 1: in case. Devot Swimmers is over the hard part. Already,
Speaker 1: get the hard part already, I got snip snippity, the
Speaker 1: stipties is done. We supposed to collectively collective say this,
Speaker 1: like I was trying to say once, this round of
Speaker 1: podcasting is done. This week Monday morning, take the kids
Speaker 1: to school. Let's just get the sample out and we'll go. Deal.
Speaker 1: Can we shake on that? We shake on? He enjoys
Speaker 1: this whole sample collection process because so many times we
Speaker 1: want to collect the sample and the sample has ended
Speaker 1: up elsewhere. TM I, you didn't get the cup out.
Speaker 1: It's not on me. You have one job, but you
Speaker 1: made me completely lose my training throat. What were we
Speaker 1: talking about again? No? No, but you you were talking
Speaker 1: about how And it's actually going to lead me into
Speaker 1: a question. I've never had that thought process of I'm
Speaker 1: going to be doing all these things and I may
Speaker 1: have to stop to have children, right, but life after
Speaker 1: of a sector me? Now is the time to feel free?
Speaker 1: Yes you no, longer. Right you, you feel like you
Speaker 1: have done your part for humanity. You've contributed four new
Speaker 1: lives into the world. Right now, you don't have to
Speaker 1: be concerned with that anymore. Do you feel like your
Speaker 1: thoughts are clearer? Do you feel like your vision is clear?
Speaker 1: Don feel like That's really what I wanted to get to,
Speaker 1: because that takes me back. I wanted to ask those
Speaker 1: questions first because I need both young women to understand
Speaker 1: what that thought process is and to understand that how
Speaker 1: easy you think is done. For example, people say this
Speaker 1: all the time, Oh, you guys, how you balance life
Speaker 1: and work? You guys make it look so seamless and easy.
Speaker 1: It's not. And what happens is we as people watch
Speaker 1: other people do it, and they make it look easy
Speaker 1: that we think that once it happens for us, it's
Speaker 1: gonna be easy until we hear stories and they're like,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, y'all were going through all of that,
Speaker 1: how come nobody never said it. Well, we're gonna say it.
Speaker 1: It's not easy. We're being here struggling, we being here tired,
Speaker 1: we being here not liking each other, we being here
Speaker 1: not liking our kids. The kids don't be liking us
Speaker 1: like it'd be a lot going on. It's a day
Speaker 1: by daycase by case scenario. But what I can say,
Speaker 1: we were talking about confusion, right, having that confusion round Cadeen,
Speaker 1: who I knew, and I was very in touch with
Speaker 1: three kids pre marriage, that young, vibrant teen, late twenties.
Speaker 1: That's just like yo, I could do all of these things.
Speaker 1: I didn't anticipate or understand or know how much of
Speaker 1: that was going to shift once I had children, because
Speaker 1: then there's desire to then be there for every moment
Speaker 1: in all those moments with my children, and now you
Speaker 1: have multiple children, there's four different people like I mean,
Speaker 1: and I'll be honest and admit to you guys that
Speaker 1: after we had Dakota, even prior to having Dakota, while
Speaker 1: I was pregnant with Dakota, devout, I debated about having
Speaker 1: a fifth child. Yes, we literally said we'd pull another
Speaker 1: Cairo and Kaz right because we felt like we were
Speaker 1: in a space where we had the help, we had
Speaker 1: the resources where if we had one more child, we'll
Speaker 1: be fine, you know. So Dakota was going to have
Speaker 1: a little playmates soon after I might have been pregnant
Speaker 1: now based off of how we were trying to plan everything,
Speaker 1: and then I felt like God kind of knew better
Speaker 1: and was like, girl, I'm gonna give you a little
Speaker 1: bit of this postpartum preclampshits. You could know that y'all
Speaker 1: are good, you know. And it's funny how I was
Speaker 1: very conflicted in this moment because I was telling Trivile
Speaker 1: the other day that I felt like I didn't officially
Speaker 1: made the decision to stop having children or to be done,
Speaker 1: because I know we were debating on a fifth I
Speaker 1: felt like the decision was made for me because of
Speaker 1: my health. Yeah, so I did feel a little bit
Speaker 1: of a way because I felt like as just a
Speaker 1: woman who was in control of my body. So I
Speaker 1: think that I wasn't officially being able to say I'm
Speaker 1: done having children. You know, it was just made for me.
Speaker 1: But I said, you know, God truly knows best. Because
Speaker 1: I then wonder if I would have even had the
Speaker 1: capacity to deal with and to love on and to
Speaker 1: give the utmost attention to one more person in my life,
Speaker 1: Like I already feel like I have to divide myself
Speaker 1: into five for you and then our four boys, and
Speaker 1: then whatever I get left for myself I would not
Speaker 1: have been able to do that with one more person,
Speaker 1: But I mean I think you would have if it
Speaker 1: was plans. I do feel like this. You didn't ask
Speaker 1: to come here. God allowed that. Well. God created that
Speaker 1: moment for you to be here. So in that sense,
Speaker 1: God doesn't have to tell you what's next for you.
Speaker 1: He does it the same way he didn't have to
Speaker 1: ask your permission to be here. True, So if we
Speaker 1: start to allow that to be our reality and say
Speaker 1: when things happen to us that are out of our control,
Speaker 1: for example, don't say why we're not why wasn't I
Speaker 1: able to control that? Instead, God has gotten me here gracefully.
Speaker 1: I'm doing well, living in an abundance, listening to His
Speaker 1: order and walking in the footsteps he provided. Let me
Speaker 1: continue out of that path so I could continue to
Speaker 1: be prosperous, instead of saying, why didn't God allow me
Speaker 1: to do this on my terms? Nothing here has been
Speaker 1: on your terms. Nothing. Absolutely, as much as we try
Speaker 1: to control nothing and didn't choose your money and choose
Speaker 1: your dad, you didn't choose when we were going to
Speaker 1: meet each other. All of these things are divine intervention.
Speaker 1: And then you have to make choices throughout that and
Speaker 1: that that leads me to my next question. Do you
Speaker 1: feel now that the thought of pregnancy not childrearing because
Speaker 1: that's never gonna end. We're gonna be rearing children until
Speaker 1: they're in their thirties and forties. Like that's never ends, right, right. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so not so much childrearing, but the thought of having
Speaker 1: to stop to grow someone inside of you, deal with
Speaker 1: the hormonal changes, and breastfeed after the child is here
Speaker 1: and postpartum in prenatal the thought that that is no
Speaker 1: longer in the picture for you. Does that make you
Speaker 1: feel any different as a woman. It makes me feel free. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it goes back to me feeling free, But it also
Speaker 1: makes me feel like I am now like I've done
Speaker 1: I've done my fair share, right. I was blessed to
Speaker 1: be able to conceive naturally. My body did everything it
Speaker 1: was supposed to do. I feel successful in that. It's
Speaker 1: almost like I can now check that off my list
Speaker 1: of things. Right. We talk about the list of things
Speaker 1: that better everyone has, particularly women, there's these age rangers.
Speaker 1: You want things to happen, and I can officially like
Speaker 1: just put a goal star and say Cadine, job, well done.
Speaker 1: On that. So now I have to refocus and shift
Speaker 1: to Okay, what am I going to do next? I
Speaker 1: have had a bad habit of self sabotaging over the years, right,
Speaker 1: because let's be real, and I can be real with
Speaker 1: myself now as I reflect, there were moments after having Jackson,
Speaker 1: after having Cairo Katz where I could have probably and
Speaker 1: more than likely progressed career wise. Absolutely talked about this
Speaker 1: because of different moments or opportunities that I could have
Speaker 1: capitalized on, and I didn't because I fell back into
Speaker 1: this comfort zone of feeling like, but yeah, I can
Speaker 1: I can use the kids in his excuse, or I
Speaker 1: know that I'm probably going to have another kid, so
Speaker 1: I'm gonna just sit and wait until I get pregnant
Speaker 1: had this baby, and then I'll pick it up. That's
Speaker 1: part of my procrastination style question. So what you're saying
Speaker 1: is is that you you the fact that you were
Speaker 1: going to have more kids as a reason not to
Speaker 1: move forward as fast as you can in your career. Yes,
Speaker 1: because you just was like fear, fear, fear of failing,
Speaker 1: fear of being an adequate, fear of not being able
Speaker 1: to be there for my children in the capacity that
Speaker 1: I want to be because I would have work obligations.
Speaker 1: The thing that's so amazing to me now about the
Speaker 1: career space that I'm in is that I have the flexibility.
Speaker 1: Like all people ultimately want is autonomy over their time
Speaker 1: to do the things that they want to do, that
Speaker 1: they love to do. Like what are we all really
Speaker 1: searching for? What is this whole like rat race of
Speaker 1: working and trying to make money? Why so we can
Speaker 1: have the time to do the things that we want
Speaker 1: to do. And my fear was always that I would
Speaker 1: be in a deficit as a mom where as a wife,
Speaker 1: and I struggle constantly with that balance between family and
Speaker 1: work because I never want to have to continually pull
Speaker 1: myself away from my family for work obligations because my
Speaker 1: kids may need me or my husband may need me.
Speaker 1: And it's particularly interesting for us in our dynamic because
Speaker 1: you are in a career field that will require you
Speaker 1: to be a way for extended period of time. So
Speaker 1: there's going to be for example, when you were in
Speaker 1: Ottawa filming for three weeks, Imagine if I had a
Speaker 1: job or I was on a daytime television show where
Speaker 1: I had to be required to sit and be in
Speaker 1: studio at this particular time, I couldn't just up and
Speaker 1: pick up the kids and bring us spend to Canada
Speaker 1: to see you for that family time. We don't function
Speaker 1: well that way. But that doesn't have anything to do
Speaker 1: with pregnancy though. That's using the fact that you have
Speaker 1: kids as a way to procrastinate on what you Really
Speaker 1: that's not going to change the fact that I have
Speaker 1: a vasectomy, because you can always use the kids as
Speaker 1: it was excused for sure, And that's my conflict now.
Speaker 1: So that's what I'm saying. So, do you feel like
Speaker 1: you have a greater fear now that you don't have
Speaker 1: an excuse to say, well, I'm gonna get pregnant. That's
Speaker 1: exactly it. That's exactly it. It's a greater fear and
Speaker 1: it's even more of an uncomfortable space that I've been
Speaker 1: and like people have been asking me recently, like so,
Speaker 1: how does it feel to be done? And like what
Speaker 1: are you going to be doing next? Like that's the
Speaker 1: question everybody wants to know, like what are you going
Speaker 1: to be doing next? And that is a bigger fear
Speaker 1: for me now. It's like, damn, as I now approach
Speaker 1: what is going to be the beginning of the rest
Speaker 1: of my life. My children are only going to get
Speaker 1: older and more demanding. Absolutely, they're only going to be
Speaker 1: involved in more activities that they're gonna want me to
Speaker 1: be there for. Like it broke my heart when Jackson
Speaker 1: was like, you know, damn, I wish daddy was here
Speaker 1: at my banquet, Like this is exactly why I don't
Speaker 1: want to be an actor. And I was like what,
Speaker 1: and He's just like, yeah, because you miss moments like this.
Speaker 1: And to him or to us, it might have been like, oh,
Speaker 1: he's gonna have more football banquets, gonna be at more banquets.
Speaker 1: To him, it was his first and he wanted you there.
Speaker 1: So I just fear that both of us, also doing
Speaker 1: this career thing in this particular industry, that it may
Speaker 1: force either of us or both of us at times
Speaker 1: to be away from home. So that's something that I
Speaker 1: struggle with now as I'm looking towards life after the visseect.
Speaker 1: To me, it's no longer delaying because of pregnancy. It's
Speaker 1: now trying to figure out how we're going to be
Speaker 1: the best parents that we could be, how I can
Speaker 1: be the best wife that I can be, and how
Speaker 1: I could still be of service to myself and max
Speaker 1: out on the potential and the talent that I have.
Speaker 1: Like I have the ability to do so many things,
Speaker 1: but what is going to take precedence over the other.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm learning right now that your fear
Speaker 1: of it was never your fear of pregnancy. So even
Speaker 1: me having to a sect to me and you're not
Speaker 1: getting pregnant, it has eliminated a fear of you getting
Speaker 1: pregnant again, But it will never eliminate the fear you
Speaker 1: have of being inadequate as a mom, which is what
Speaker 1: I'm learning, which is crazy, right. I have small fear
Speaker 1: of being inadequate as a father, which is why I
Speaker 1: work so hard to try to be the best that
Speaker 1: I can be. But that's not going to stop me
Speaker 1: from doing what I have to do to provide, because
Speaker 1: I feel like my greater responsibility is to be a provider,
Speaker 1: not which is gonna sound crazy, right, not to be
Speaker 1: present all the time, To be a provider so that
Speaker 1: I can give my children and my wife autonomy to
Speaker 1: do the things they want. Where you feel like your
Speaker 1: greater responsibility is to be present, yes, and not so
Speaker 1: much to be a provider, But that's so us though, right,
Speaker 1: because historically not historical well, historically yes, historically and traditionally
Speaker 1: us being I would say, having a pretty traditional dynamic
Speaker 1: with our relationship and the way we want to do things.
Speaker 1: You always are utmost in forefront about being the provider. Yes,
Speaker 1: So if that means, like you said, you have to
Speaker 1: be away, I'm going to be away. I'm gonna face
Speaker 1: him my kids every day when I'm here, I'm going
Speaker 1: to be super present because when you are home, you're
Speaker 1: super present, and I just allow that time because I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know what devils know when he's gonna be up
Speaker 1: and going again, but in your absence, aside from having
Speaker 1: my parents here twenty four seven, to be that the
Speaker 1: kids ultimately want their parents. So now that's going to
Speaker 1: be my new struggle moving into what's the rest of
Speaker 1: Kadeen's life going to look like? Because I want to
Speaker 1: be able to maximize the potential that I have as
Speaker 1: you know, a coast, as a potential daytime talks or host,
Speaker 1: as an actor. I want to be able to do
Speaker 1: all those things. But my struggle is like, how am
Speaker 1: I going to do those things but then maintain the
Speaker 1: presence in my household? For my children. It's funny how
Speaker 1: we both have the same struggle we do, but we
Speaker 1: lean onto what's our biggest priorities. Yes, and it also
Speaker 1: makes me wonder if these priorities were social constructs that
Speaker 1: we just brought into For example, the more traditional thing
Speaker 1: like for me, my priority is always going to be
Speaker 1: protect and provide, even if I'm not as present, where
Speaker 1: some people will feel like, well, less a fucked up
Speaker 1: thought process because you have to be there for your kids.
Speaker 1: And my thing is, yeah, I could always be home
Speaker 1: for my kids, and my kids and I could be struggling.
Speaker 1: I could be home all the time, right, and they
Speaker 1: could be struggling. Or right, I could be away fifty
Speaker 1: forty five percent of the time and my kids can
Speaker 1: be able to have the ability to do what they want.
Speaker 1: What's more important for me, being a traditional person, my
Speaker 1: job is not to be here all the time, like
Speaker 1: um Fences and Troy says, I'm not supposed to you.
Speaker 1: You don't I'm not supposed to like you, like you
Speaker 1: don't have to like me. My job is to put
Speaker 1: a roof over your head, right, you got food in
Speaker 1: your belly, right, that's my job. I honestly feel like
Speaker 1: that's my job and to hear you talk even though
Speaker 1: you can't get pregnant again. You know, when we get
Speaker 1: the you know, everything checked out right, your biggest concern
Speaker 1: is going to always be are you adequate as a mom?
Speaker 1: As a mom? And that's and that requires your presence
Speaker 1: as a mom, like you said on a previous episode,
Speaker 1: And you've always said that, seeing as though your parents
Speaker 1: were absent from home when you guys had to come
Speaker 1: home from school, for example, and no one was there
Speaker 1: to receive you, and you had to be big brother
Speaker 1: to like oversee, and you wanted a wife who would
Speaker 1: be home when their children get home. I always wanted
Speaker 1: the same thing, like I want to be able to
Speaker 1: pick my kids up from school. I want to be
Speaker 1: in the carpool line those days, Like those are things
Speaker 1: that I want to be able to do. And we
Speaker 1: lean heavily on my parents now because they're here and
Speaker 1: it's just two extra set of two extra setsive hands
Speaker 1: to help. But I don't think there's anything more than
Speaker 1: the light in the eyes of our children when they
Speaker 1: see that it's mommy picking me up today, it's Daddy
Speaker 1: picking me up today. Do you do you know how
Speaker 1: much This conversation has helped me understand your thought process
Speaker 1: because like, no, I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you why
Speaker 1: when I met you, think about where I'm coming from.
Speaker 1: We were both super ambitious, right, we were both killing
Speaker 1: it in the grades academically may being a Division one athlete,
Speaker 1: you're getting r D of the Year idea, Like, we
Speaker 1: were both killing it. In my mind, I've never thought
Speaker 1: about stopping to get pregnant. So in my mind is
Speaker 1: that we're just gonna keep going and going and going
Speaker 1: and going. In your mind, you've always thinking like at
Speaker 1: some point, I'm gonna have to stop it because we
Speaker 1: both say we want kids, somebody's gonna have to be there.
Speaker 1: Every time you used to stop or sit back to
Speaker 1: make sure that that was taking care of. I used
Speaker 1: to be like, oh, she's procrastinating. Oh she's excuses because
Speaker 1: like you, I used to look at my mom, who
Speaker 1: my mom was a full time career woman and she
Speaker 1: was a mom. But then I also remember now like
Speaker 1: it clicks back to me, there were days when my
Speaker 1: dad cooked and my mom didn't cook with My mom
Speaker 1: came home late because she was working and she had
Speaker 1: staff meetings late, and then she came home late, and
Speaker 1: then my dad had already made dinner. So when I
Speaker 1: think about it now, all the things I used to
Speaker 1: judge you for and say, like she just don't want
Speaker 1: her dreams enough and she procrastinates, it's just a completely
Speaker 1: different mindset because as a woman, your priorities aren't have
Speaker 1: never been just my career. And this is you, not
Speaker 1: all women, because some women like I don't want to
Speaker 1: have kids. That's even if I have children. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: hire this nanny and there's no shame to that. But
Speaker 1: they're like, yo, this is my career, this is what
Speaker 1: I want. I need my ascension to happen in this route.
Speaker 1: I need to provide my kids this lifestyle. So I'm
Speaker 1: gonna hire this nanny and they're gonna take good care
Speaker 1: of my children. And I'm gonna pop in when I can.
Speaker 1: And that's fine and that works for them, But I
Speaker 1: know I always wanted to be more of a hands
Speaker 1: on mom. I think I also too. Just look at
Speaker 1: how time is just a thief. Yeah, Time is a thief.
Speaker 1: And I'm like Jackson already like just knowing that more
Speaker 1: than half of his life with us, it's gone, it's gone.
Speaker 1: He spent eleven years us already he only has seven
Speaker 1: years left before he goes to college. Shit makes me
Speaker 1: so emotional because I'm just like, I know what, I know,
Speaker 1: I know, you know, Like what have I done substantial
Speaker 1: enough for him in eleven years? Like I haven't done
Speaker 1: enough that he's gonna be like my mom used to
Speaker 1: and my mom I know, I know. Now I want
Speaker 1: him to be able to look back and say, my
Speaker 1: mom taught me this. Like now I see he's getting
Speaker 1: more interested in the kitchen. For example, I and pulling
Speaker 1: him in the kitchen for a couple of years and
Speaker 1: now he like last night, he's like, Mama, want to
Speaker 1: be from broccoli, And I'm like, okay, we're not gonna
Speaker 1: order chinese food. I'm gonna find a recipe to make
Speaker 1: it together. And we made it together and it was
Speaker 1: our first time doing it, and he kind of just
Speaker 1: loosely watched me when he came home for practice. But like,
Speaker 1: I want to be there for moments when he's showing
Speaker 1: interests and things like that so he can look back
Speaker 1: at my mom, she did this, she was here, you know. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me tell you something. We did a podcast and
Speaker 1: I cried thinking about Jackson, Right, But think about what
Speaker 1: we cried about. You cried about did I spend enough
Speaker 1: time that he's going to remember my presence there? I
Speaker 1: cried about did I prepare my son to be a
Speaker 1: productive man in society? Think about our mindsets and why
Speaker 1: we as a couple sometimes can't get on the same
Speaker 1: page about what we want for each other. Because I'm
Speaker 1: looking at you through my male lens and saying that
Speaker 1: if she thought like me, she would be more successful
Speaker 1: in her career. Right, you know what I'm saying, And
Speaker 1: then you'll be looking at me through your female lens
Speaker 1: saying Devout needs to slow down and think about the
Speaker 1: time he's spending or not spending with his family. And
Speaker 1: we often get at each other not realizing that your
Speaker 1: perspective is rooted in your your reality. Like you, what
Speaker 1: you want for yourself, it's completely different than what I
Speaker 1: wanted for you, right, And it's this moment right here
Speaker 1: is kind of creating some clarity, yeah, as to why
Speaker 1: it is that way. And you know it's also particularly
Speaker 1: hard for me is when people look at me who
Speaker 1: know me the best, That would be like you, or
Speaker 1: my mom or my dad, or my siblings or just family.
Speaker 1: Who knows Kadein the go getter, the ambitious one, the
Speaker 1: ambitious one, the one who is always achieving everything and
Speaker 1: being like like my mom literally is always just like
Speaker 1: I can't wait till you're doing this. I can't wait
Speaker 1: till in your own daytime TV. And you know the
Speaker 1: view they're looking for someone new, like you know, and
Speaker 1: she's always looking at me with this like, okay, so
Speaker 1: what's next for you? Kdein, like what's next for you?
Speaker 1: And I understand that she is speaking from a lens
Speaker 1: of probably in her own way saying I invested everything
Speaker 1: in y'all, everything in y'all, And she is in a
Speaker 1: sense it's probably like, well, what do I have to
Speaker 1: show for it as a human being, as a woman,
Speaker 1: as a person who am I as a woman? Now
Speaker 1: that I've raised my children, y'all are doing your own things.
Speaker 1: Because also to kids have a way of doing their
Speaker 1: own thing and eventually probably disappointing you, Like you know,
Speaker 1: you put so much into children, you just never know
Speaker 1: sometimes what's going to happen regardless of how you've raised them.
Speaker 1: So I think she also looks at it like Kadean,
Speaker 1: like you have so much potential, like she probably knew
Speaker 1: she had so much potential that was untapped. She doesn't
Speaker 1: want me to miss that moment. And I feel like
Speaker 1: I disappoint The adults around me look at me and
Speaker 1: say like, damn, KaDee, like you could be doing so
Speaker 1: much more. I'm glad you brought this up. Your your mom,
Speaker 1: and your perspective is completely different. This now, this is
Speaker 1: gonna blow minds. Check this out right, what we feel
Speaker 1: and what we want is not specific to our gender.
Speaker 1: Think about your parents, right, Your dad doesn't care about ascension.
Speaker 1: Your dad cares about the time he spends with his
Speaker 1: kids and making sure his family is good. Whereas your
Speaker 1: mom's very career driven. She cares about titles. She wanted
Speaker 1: to get her master's degree, she wants to be director
Speaker 1: of nurse and she wanted to ascend to different places
Speaker 1: and continue to make more money to have the autonomy
Speaker 1: so that her kids, yeah, can do more things. Right,
Speaker 1: And that's not gender specific, because your mom was the
Speaker 1: more ambitious one and was like, I want more, whereas
Speaker 1: your dad was like, we have enough to sustain and
Speaker 1: maintain to why are we pushing more? Right? But that
Speaker 1: also shows because the two of them never took time
Speaker 1: to consider the other one's wants and needs, not as
Speaker 1: a wife, not as a husband, and what the gender
Speaker 1: role was supposed to be, but what they want as
Speaker 1: an individual. They started to kind of separate because they
Speaker 1: couldn't understand each other. Your mom kept saying, why didn't
Speaker 1: your dad more ambitious? He's a man, a man should
Speaker 1: do this. Your dad used to be like, your mom
Speaker 1: is a woman, Why don't she just be at home
Speaker 1: and cook? Remember? Why don't she do these and things?
Speaker 1: And it's like, yo, let's stop putting gender specific roles
Speaker 1: on people. Let's start trying to understand where they are
Speaker 1: mentally going into this thing called life, so that when
Speaker 1: pivots happened, you're not saying, well, you're not being the
Speaker 1: person I expected you to be right or thought you
Speaker 1: were going to be, or not the standard as an
Speaker 1: eighteen year old, like you continue to look at me
Speaker 1: like and you have moments where you're just like, damn,
Speaker 1: but when we were in college, k, you used to
Speaker 1: do this, this, that. In the third I just like,
Speaker 1: look out much as fucking change since college money, You're like,
Speaker 1: hs been formal people. We added to the family. We
Speaker 1: have a whole career. We have a whole team of
Speaker 1: people we work with, we have a whole man Like,
Speaker 1: there's so many things that are so different, and when
Speaker 1: you look at me sometimes you're just like, damn, I
Speaker 1: just missed like my girlfriend. That's why now I'm more
Speaker 1: deliberate about going back to those sweet spots and moments
Speaker 1: and trying to recreate that for us, because we need
Speaker 1: that balance, like you need your girlfriends sometimes, right, and
Speaker 1: sometimes I need to focus in and be mom and
Speaker 1: be on it. Sometimes I need like just at the
Speaker 1: top of the year, I felt like the house was
Speaker 1: not in shambles, but there was so much stuff to
Speaker 1: be done in the house that I, as a mom
Speaker 1: and wife and someone who wants to keep a home,
Speaker 1: wasn't able to do in the past year because we
Speaker 1: were so insanely busy with work and travel. So it's
Speaker 1: like sorting through clothes and taking stuff to goodwill and
Speaker 1: donations and you know, sorting through closets and refolding clothes
Speaker 1: and organizing. I'm like, I couldn't do any any of
Speaker 1: that because I was literally doing everything else. You know.
Speaker 1: It's just and you wonder sometimes while you're just like, well,
Speaker 1: you know, we have a deadline for this. The Nori says,
Speaker 1: this is doing. I was able to get this done
Speaker 1: and you weren't able to get done. And it's like,
Speaker 1: it's because I had so many other things that are
Speaker 1: on the back of my brain that I'm thinking of
Speaker 1: that I'm just like Dan, like all these things in
Speaker 1: the house, all these things for the kids. Say, it's
Speaker 1: okay to say it just was not as important as
Speaker 1: the other thing. It wasn't. But here's the thing. When
Speaker 1: we first met, I thought we were in alignment about
Speaker 1: what was most important, and at that moment, it was
Speaker 1: our career. It was and to me being being the
Speaker 1: next Tyler Perry or bigger than Tyler Perry, the next
Speaker 1: Will Smith, bigger than Will Smith, the next Kevin Hart,
Speaker 1: bigger than Kevin Hart, to me, that's still my priority,
Speaker 1: whereas to you being the next Oprah or being the
Speaker 1: next Lane or like, that's just not as important to you.
Speaker 1: And I think it just made me realize that I
Speaker 1: have to stop expecting all of the dreams we talked
Speaker 1: about at eighteen to still be the same the same. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: I know we were supposed to be talking about life
Speaker 1: after the sect of me and how much has changed
Speaker 1: and how much, But I'm realizing not much is going
Speaker 1: to change because you still prioritize being a mom more
Speaker 1: than you do being a career woman. I even see
Speaker 1: it on your social media post. I'd be like, yo,
Speaker 1: you ain't posting five or six days and you'd be like,
Speaker 1: so like you, like you have so much other things
Speaker 1: that you've done. I've been and I've just I've just
Speaker 1: been enjoying present time with the kids, Like I see
Speaker 1: how important that is. I see how much they needed,
Speaker 1: how much they enjoy it when we just sit, Like
Speaker 1: when you were away for the Sherry Shepherd Show, Jackson
Speaker 1: and spent a lot of time together that day, and
Speaker 1: it was just great to have conversation with him. Yoh,
Speaker 1: He's a freaking dope ass human being. It's like you
Speaker 1: learn something new about your kids every day. And I
Speaker 1: passed the ACS to him and he's playing these songs
Speaker 1: and I'm just like, yeah, what you know about this music?
Speaker 1: Like it's just so interesting to see and connect with
Speaker 1: your children on that level. And I just love And
Speaker 1: it may be in part because I can say them
Speaker 1: to say because they they're my children, but we have
Speaker 1: some children likes as humans learning who they are. I
Speaker 1: just want to continue to tap into that. And I
Speaker 1: feel like the career things that come organically that make
Speaker 1: sense for me, I'm going to go for it. I
Speaker 1: would never pass up on those opportunities because I still
Speaker 1: want to be able to be active in that and
Speaker 1: utilize my ability and potential, but not to a detriment
Speaker 1: of you, and not to the detriment of my children.
Speaker 1: That's a that's a good wrap up, Like I understand,
Speaker 1: I understand now, Like you still want to be a
Speaker 1: career woman and in that space, but you're not chasing
Speaker 1: this never ending pursuit conquering conquering titles, and yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: and then with more and you are. I know you are.
Speaker 1: I know you are. And it's like, as much as
Speaker 1: I enjoy what we do and I enjoy, you know,
Speaker 1: people knowing who we are and interacting with people, I
Speaker 1: have the moments where I'm like, I'm going to shut
Speaker 1: it off and I want to be able to do that,
Speaker 1: and I feel like I'm missing out on that moment
Speaker 1: in this fickle ass industry. You know. So there we are.
Speaker 1: I get you, I get you now. I think constant conversations, y'all,
Speaker 1: we learned something new every episode about something each other.
Speaker 1: It's like the light bulb like literally went off. And
Speaker 1: I have to I have to thank you for always
Speaker 1: constantly pushing and driving conversations for us to have because
Speaker 1: I was never always, over the course of our relationship,
Speaker 1: very able to or articulate enough each articulate, yes, but
Speaker 1: not able to organize my thoughts in an eloquent way
Speaker 1: sometime so that it made sense. So I appreciate you
Speaker 1: trying to walk me through that so that you can
Speaker 1: get an understanding of how I feel. And I'm continuing
Speaker 1: to work on that and being concise and eloquent with
Speaker 1: my thoughts. So marriage is a never ending conversation, never
Speaker 1: ending conversation. All right, let's take a quick break, I
Speaker 1: think we should take. I get you now, I'm getting
Speaker 1: all sniffily and emotional, So let's take a break, and
Speaker 1: then we'll come back and get into y'all's business as
Speaker 1: I just talked about all mine. All right, and does
Speaker 1: the letter number one we walk with you today? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I believe you. Go ahead, and number one, my wife
Speaker 1: and I have been together twelve years, married seven Her
Speaker 1: mother never accepted our relationship and took the stance that
Speaker 1: her daughter my wife continued in this relationship, or if
Speaker 1: her daughter my wife continued in this relationship, she would
Speaker 1: not talk to her. That hurt my wife immensely, and
Speaker 1: I encouraged my wife to build back that relationship. Her
Speaker 1: mother was her best friend. They overtime started talking again
Speaker 1: and mending that relationship, which was awesome for me because
Speaker 1: my wife wasn't as sad. I could care less if
Speaker 1: her mom liked me. In fact, the only reason and
Speaker 1: the only reason any of it bothered me is because
Speaker 1: my wife was hurt and to see someone who supposedly
Speaker 1: has unconditional love for you throw up conditions was is
Speaker 1: dumb to me. Never bother me until we had kids.
Speaker 1: Because her mother still does not care about the relationship still, wow,
Speaker 1: come on, lady, get the fuck over it. Because her
Speaker 1: mother still does not care about the relationship. Still, her
Speaker 1: mom calls and acts like she is not in one.
Speaker 1: But this is making me mad, but still wants to
Speaker 1: talk to my kids and visit them to what my
Speaker 1: answer is a resounding no. My wife turns the phone,
Speaker 1: generalizes conversations as if I am in the room, and
Speaker 1: concedes to me to act like I am not existing
Speaker 1: in my own home when her mom calls, wow, I
Speaker 1: have resentment in my being about it, and what I
Speaker 1: have resentment in my being about it, and my mind says,
Speaker 1: if she wants to act like you don't exist, then
Speaker 1: neither do these kids, because these kids are from you.
Speaker 1: Give me perspective because my wife gets defensive every time
Speaker 1: I try to grasp and understanding of why she gets
Speaker 1: to build a relationship with our kids and they halfway
Speaker 1: come from there's no fucking way like this is making
Speaker 1: me mad, feels kind of disrespectful that my wife allows it.
Speaker 1: That is disrespectful. But what are some thoughts you can
Speaker 1: share from this? Appreciate you ps not trying to be
Speaker 1: right or wrong, just trying to I'm glad you said
Speaker 1: you're not trying to be right a wrong, just just
Speaker 1: trying to see what is the problem with me also
Speaker 1: putting conditions on her getting not fuck that and to
Speaker 1: know my kids, the kids that come from a relationship
Speaker 1: a person she decides to ignore. Hell yeah yo yo,
Speaker 1: signed by I really don't like her, but I'll be trying. Yo.
Speaker 1: My g No, you can't talk to me years. I'm
Speaker 1: taking care of your daughter. Your daughter's good or you
Speaker 1: want to have a conversation to meet with my kids.
Speaker 1: Fuck no, that is a hard fuck no, Like I
Speaker 1: have the same issue with my grandfather, my mother's dad.
Speaker 1: Like he's not trying to build no relationship with me.
Speaker 1: He has an issue with my dad and then my
Speaker 1: mom always trying to be like you know, you should
Speaker 1: take your sons over to see your grandfather. Fuck no,
Speaker 1: Like there has to be you could tell is triggering
Speaker 1: to me, but there has to be a respect factor,
Speaker 1: Like you you don't get to choose to be parts
Speaker 1: of the people life who matter the most to me.
Speaker 1: Why you ignore me and disrespect me? That's not gonna happen, bro.
Speaker 1: And to be honest, your wife's wrong for that man. Like,
Speaker 1: if we're gonna hold people accountable, you as a woman
Speaker 1: can't say I want to build a life with this man,
Speaker 1: but then ignore her, ignore the man when it's convenient
Speaker 1: for you because you're trying to have a relationship with
Speaker 1: your mother. People like throwing out the Bible. The Bible
Speaker 1: says when the wife leaves her family and gets married,
Speaker 1: that is now her new family. That means you can't
Speaker 1: choose to be with your mom over your husband, and
Speaker 1: then take your kids to be with your mom and
Speaker 1: ignore your husband. That's just wrong, right, Like how you
Speaker 1: gonna be on the phone with your mom and then
Speaker 1: ask him to be quiet in the background. Essentially what
Speaker 1: he's saying, you gotta make yourself small in your own
Speaker 1: house while she's on speaker phone where b And the
Speaker 1: thing is, you are building a union together and your
Speaker 1: mom needs to respect that. If your mom can't respect that,
Speaker 1: then you cannot be around my kids. Because this is
Speaker 1: what happens. People like to plant seeds in children's mind
Speaker 1: of things being wrong. You're not gonna plant any seeds
Speaker 1: in my children's head of anything that could be that
Speaker 1: you may seem wrong with me and my wife. I
Speaker 1: don't care what your thought processes. That's wrong, yo. And
Speaker 1: the thing is, if you can't agree with our union,
Speaker 1: then you don't need to talk to our kids because
Speaker 1: these kids came from this union. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: And I'm traditional aspect, but come on, give me a break.
Speaker 1: People like yeah, yo, people be wild selfish when it
Speaker 1: comes to stuff like that, Like I'm not talking like
Speaker 1: that's the most childish shit ever. Don't talk to me,
Speaker 1: you don't exist. But those kids I'm gonna talk to
Speaker 1: those kids, man, kiss my ass, lady, And I don't
Speaker 1: get like this, but that shit is triggering to me,
Speaker 1: Like how you disregard somebody like that? Right, that's just
Speaker 1: completely you know what I'm saying. I mean, I don't
Speaker 1: know if the relationship she has, she never accepted the relationship,
Speaker 1: so is that she doesn't accept her or is it
Speaker 1: that she doesn't accept that they may be a same
Speaker 1: sex couple? Could be gave to us that they're a
Speaker 1: same sex couples. More than likely her mom doesn't accept
Speaker 1: the fact that there are same sex couples and her
Speaker 1: mom needs to right her mom is choosing to take
Speaker 1: that out on her significant other, still trying to build
Speaker 1: a relationship with her daughter once. I have a relationship
Speaker 1: with the kids, but the partner I'm not talking to, Like,
Speaker 1: but does that even makes sense? Because if you do
Speaker 1: have an issue with your child being in the same
Speaker 1: sex relationship and have the issue with your child, not
Speaker 1: the person that she's in the relationship with, as if
Speaker 1: what she converted her or like, but you know how
Speaker 1: people had that weird like mindset about it. No, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say, now, have an issue with yourself Okay, I
Speaker 1: have four boys. If one of my boys came out today,
Speaker 1: say dad, I'm gay. Okay you gay. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: stop loving you and choose to make your life right
Speaker 1: fucking miserable and at whoever it is that you ll
Speaker 1: both of y'all. All right, that's just what it is, yo.
Speaker 1: You know what bothers me so much about people? Son?
Speaker 1: People want it to just project all of their issues
Speaker 1: on other people and then expect those people to move
Speaker 1: how they want them to move, even though they wrong,
Speaker 1: like you wild wrong right now? Yeah, and then you
Speaker 1: want to demand the respect. Don't talk to me, but
Speaker 1: let me have your kids. That is the most wildest yo. Nah,
Speaker 1: this is your wife speak to her mom about that
Speaker 1: big time facts and you need to have a conversation
Speaker 1: with your wife like this is not cool, you know,
Speaker 1: because she can't continue to make you feel less than
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. And this is triggering to me, guys,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest, it's triggering to me because I
Speaker 1: feel like like that within my family, and my whole
Speaker 1: family is full of heterosexual relationships, but there are certain
Speaker 1: things about certain family members where they don't approve of
Speaker 1: certain relationships. So they take it out on the kids,
Speaker 1: or they take it out on generations that have nothing
Speaker 1: to do with it, and then they be so selfish
Speaker 1: and so egotistical in their own life that everyone has
Speaker 1: to bend to me, and if they don't bend to me,
Speaker 1: then I'm going to disregard that person, but then still
Speaker 1: asks for that's works. I never talked about this because
Speaker 1: I never wanted to put my family out there, but
Speaker 1: it does hurt me and it bothers me that my
Speaker 1: maternal grandfather chooses to not have a relationship with people
Speaker 1: in my family, my father, me and my brother, because
Speaker 1: of the choices he made in his life. He made
Speaker 1: the choices, he didn't want to own up to the choices,
Speaker 1: and he continued to be disrespectful, and when people say
Speaker 1: could we not take it in the more he choose
Speaker 1: to not talk to people, but then still ask my
Speaker 1: mom to bring my kids over there, no like, have
Speaker 1: you lost your mind? Yeah? And maybe I took this
Speaker 1: away from them and it is about them, It should
Speaker 1: be about them. But it triggered me how you will
Speaker 1: ask for my kids, but you don't talk to me.
Speaker 1: Do y'all see how wrong that is? Period period period period. Please,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, she's making me tight right now, maybe
Speaker 1: you want to fight somebody ain't gonna lie because that's
Speaker 1: just got a picture. Yes, from perspective, her mom is
Speaker 1: wrong right, period, Like we don't talk about who's right
Speaker 1: or wrong. And you said you didn't want to be
Speaker 1: right or wrong, but her mom is wrong, period. That's it.
Speaker 1: And continue to have conversations with your significant other so
Speaker 1: y'all can find an amicable way to make the relationship
Speaker 1: work between y'all within that house. She continued to be.
Speaker 1: I let my grandfather be, let her be. It's fine
Speaker 1: to let people know that, you know what, We don't
Speaker 1: need you am out here. That's a whole fact. That's
Speaker 1: a whole fact. All. I'm all right now let's let's
Speaker 1: let's really back in now. Baby. It's so good, it's
Speaker 1: so good. I get you. No, this is fine, it's fine.
Speaker 1: This is what we do. We can relate situations to
Speaker 1: how they make us feel a based off of our experiences. Right.
Speaker 1: Next up, my husband grew up in a large group
Speaker 1: of friends, some from high school, some from his childhood.
Speaker 1: They all have families, full time careers, and still find
Speaker 1: time to go out for a bear every now and then.
Speaker 1: My friendship circle, on the other end, has been more
Speaker 1: of a struggle over the years. I'm just now getting
Speaker 1: in a good place with my relationships. I have different
Speaker 1: friend groups that I connect with for different things, and
Speaker 1: I feel like that's okay. My husband, however, tends to
Speaker 1: think that because my friends don't hang out as consistently
Speaker 1: as his friends do, that equates to them not being
Speaker 1: my quote unquote real friends. He's a firm believer that
Speaker 1: people make time for what they want, so if he
Speaker 1: sees one of my friends hanging out via social media
Speaker 1: with other friends, he then questions why I don't get
Speaker 1: an invite as well. Although I feel more secure my
Speaker 1: relationships than I've ever felt in my life, I tend
Speaker 1: to struggle with how he views my friendships, wondering does
Speaker 1: he have a point. I feel like I'm always trying
Speaker 1: to convince him that my friendships are genuine. He loves
Speaker 1: me and is very protective over my heart. I know
Speaker 1: it used to bother him seeing me upset In the
Speaker 1: past when I experienced flaky friends who didn't put the
Speaker 1: same effort in as I did with them, I have
Speaker 1: cried many tears over disappointment if I didn't get invited
Speaker 1: or friends they're not coming through for me, or I
Speaker 1: did not have friends coming through for me. My husband
Speaker 1: had a front row seat to it all. Now that
Speaker 1: I'm older and wiser, I really have introduced myself to
Speaker 1: people regarding how I expect to be treated as a friend.
Speaker 1: My prospective revolves around meeting people where they are and
Speaker 1: lowering my expectation for people in general. Would you kind
Speaker 1: of have to do to avoid disappointment? Right? If they
Speaker 1: can hang out, that's great. If they can't, I have
Speaker 1: a backup plan. Anyway. I now believe it's okay to
Speaker 1: have different friends for different purposes in life. Sometimes I
Speaker 1: don't know if I'm adapting this mindset as a defense
Speaker 1: mechanism or if my perspective is actually realistic. Looking forward
Speaker 1: to hearing your thoughts, You're absolutely right. I think that
Speaker 1: your husband, in the circumstance is just trying to be
Speaker 1: kind of your pitbull in the sense because he's seen
Speaker 1: how these relationships have hurt you in the past, so
Speaker 1: now he's trying to make sure that you're not embarking
Speaker 1: on those situations again. But I feel the same way
Speaker 1: you feel, Sis. I feel like the friends that I
Speaker 1: have who are my solid group of friends, my core
Speaker 1: group of friends who was very very few and far
Speaker 1: in between. They understand and we have a mutual understanding
Speaker 1: that we were able to hand a lot in the past.
Speaker 1: Now life is busy. We all have children, we all
Speaker 1: have careers, we all have husbands, some don't. But it's
Speaker 1: okay because we know that even if we spoke for
Speaker 1: a week straight or we went six months without speaking,
Speaker 1: when we finally do reconnect, it's like we pick up
Speaker 1: right where we left off and there's no hard feelings there.
Speaker 1: But I can see why your husband might feel like, damn,
Speaker 1: you know, let me be hypercritical of these relationships now
Speaker 1: because in the past you've been crying over them. You
Speaker 1: got to watch out for people who want to spend
Speaker 1: time with your kids who don't want to talk to
Speaker 1: you first. Sorry, that's bothering me, Yeah, because I remember.
Speaker 1: I remember time's going to my grandfather house and we're
Speaker 1: doing stuff and him making comments about like, you know,
Speaker 1: I fixed up myself like a real man. You know,
Speaker 1: I don't just call people to do that. He was
Speaker 1: taking shot to my pops. You know what I'm saying
Speaker 1: that people Yo, oh, I'm sorry. Don't let people people
Speaker 1: don't talk to you, don't let them around your kids.
Speaker 1: That's a fact because because that's people be evil contaminations exactly.
Speaker 1: People be evil, and they the only reason why. It's
Speaker 1: a real vindictive thing. The only reason why they want
Speaker 1: to be around your kids and is to get access
Speaker 1: to them so they can do things. And it's real evil. Yo,
Speaker 1: and YO, protect your piece, protect your kids, and protect
Speaker 1: your heart against friends who ain't shit. But sis, I
Speaker 1: think you're very realistic. Going back to the second listed
Speaker 1: letter bad I got you, I got you, but I
Speaker 1: got the second one here. I think you're very realistic
Speaker 1: in your expectations that you have for people. Now, the
Speaker 1: easiest way to avoid disappointment is to not have expectations.
Speaker 1: So if you have friends that you put in particular
Speaker 1: boxes because you know that there's certain friends that you
Speaker 1: can do certain things with, keep it that way for
Speaker 1: your own sanity. If it's a I don't think it's
Speaker 1: as much of a defense mechanisism as it is being
Speaker 1: older and wiser and understanding how people work and how friendships.
Speaker 1: As you get older in life continues to progress and
Speaker 1: things happen, and life evolves and you add more things
Speaker 1: to your play as an adult, you're wise enough to
Speaker 1: know that, listen, a good friend is gonna be a
Speaker 1: good friend regardless, regardless, I do agree with that. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I just a lot of stuff that's still unresolved. Maybe
Speaker 1: another podcast episode, we'll see, we'll talk about that. Like see,
Speaker 1: I love how we sometimes have a hard time coming
Speaker 1: up with new exciting topics for y'all, but they kind
Speaker 1: of kind of rear themselves as we as we talk
Speaker 1: about different things. You know, I'd be trying to keep
Speaker 1: like inside, I completely understand talk about because I'm like,
Speaker 1: fuck that. Yeah, I don't need the expermission for that.
Speaker 1: You you know what, you know what she don't need
Speaker 1: permission for. You don't need permission. You don't need permission
Speaker 1: to write into us. Okay, you don't need permission, Just
Speaker 1: write Okay. If you want to be featured as a
Speaker 1: listener letter, email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com. That's d E A d as A d
Speaker 1: v I C E at gmail dot com. No permission needed,
Speaker 1: all right, Mowing the truth. I feel like we spoke
Speaker 1: about so many different things in this episode between the
Speaker 1: listener letters and then everything that we spoke about regarding
Speaker 1: life after the vasectomy with me, and I think the
Speaker 1: moment of truth here is this revelation that I had
Speaker 1: in talking things out with you, and it's that I
Speaker 1: was foolish to believe that pregnancy was the only thing
Speaker 1: holding me back from achieving certain things in my life
Speaker 1: or ascension within my career. It wasn't just pregnancy. And
Speaker 1: then the idea of having to stop and restart a
Speaker 1: career in an already fickle industry. I think it's just
Speaker 1: me realizing now that the things that I may have
Speaker 1: wanted when I was younger, as that young, ambitious, vibrant teenager,
Speaker 1: has shifted a bit now, rightfully so, because I now
Speaker 1: will be raising for vibrant, beautiful boys who will eventually
Speaker 1: become teenagers and men. And I'm doing that with my
Speaker 1: life partner, who is you that I value your opinion,
Speaker 1: I value how you feel. I value your goals and
Speaker 1: dreams as well as mine. So it's me now trying
Speaker 1: to find a way to make sure that I'm finding
Speaker 1: a way to style step around what needs to be
Speaker 1: done in those particular moments so that I'm successful across
Speaker 1: the board with everything. So my children can feel like man,
Speaker 1: my mom was there for me when I needed her.
Speaker 1: My husband can be like man, my wife has been
Speaker 1: there for me. And then when my career moves come
Speaker 1: and those opportunities come and they present themselves, that I'm
Speaker 1: able to jump into the ones that make the most
Speaker 1: sense for me and still gives me the autonomy over
Speaker 1: the time that I so desperately need for my family
Speaker 1: because I've realized, much like my dad, who is the
Speaker 1: simple one, that my family comes first. My moment of
Speaker 1: truth is that that was a long ask moment of truth.
Speaker 1: You got nerves after going back to the first listen
Speaker 1: letter after the second one, We're ready on. But my
Speaker 1: listener letter is truly truly this. If you are your
Speaker 1: moment of truth or you listening letter, yeah, you see,
Speaker 1: I'm still on it out. My moment of truth is
Speaker 1: simple and is this regardless of who you are or
Speaker 1: what type of relationship you exist in. Right. If you're
Speaker 1: trying to be of service to a woman who plans
Speaker 1: on having children, the best way you can be of
Speaker 1: service to her in her career is to continuously listen
Speaker 1: to what her true wants and needs are. Don't implant
Speaker 1: what you think their version of what it looks like
Speaker 1: should be. Just listen to what they're saying. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: our whole life, you've been telling me that your family's
Speaker 1: most important, and I've been seeing in my own self
Speaker 1: that she could be bigger in her career. Rather than
Speaker 1: listening to what you're actually telling me every day, and
Speaker 1: instead of putting fault on you for telling me what
Speaker 1: it is that's important. If I truly want to be
Speaker 1: of service and anybody truly wants to be of service
Speaker 1: to a woman who is bringing forth life, listen to
Speaker 1: her when she's telling you what it's truly important to her.
Speaker 1: I love that because when I really think back on
Speaker 1: it as a kid, when I envisioned my life, the
Speaker 1: number one thing that I always knew I wanted to
Speaker 1: be with a mom and wife, And you guys have
Speaker 1: fulfilled that for me. Surpassed my wildest dreams. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: and I'm living in bliss because of that. I'm glad
Speaker 1: you added that too. Listen to your husband when he
Speaker 1: says the same thing, because your dad has been very
Speaker 1: clear about what's important to him. Absolutely, your mom wanted
Speaker 1: him to be more ambitious because he's a man, right,
Speaker 1: don't put your gender expectations on somebody just because you
Speaker 1: think they can do that better, right, or they should
Speaker 1: do that better according to societal this is what's important
Speaker 1: to him. Let that be important to him, and let
Speaker 1: him thrive in that, and let him thrive in that,
Speaker 1: all right, y'all? Be sure to follow us on Patreon
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