Speaker 1: Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedrik lover to WIB and
Speaker 1: you need to hear this. This week. We have a
Speaker 1: letter about a big family argument that has been carrying
Speaker 1: on for years and years, and it is the same argument,
Speaker 1: and I want you to think about, what are those
Speaker 1: stuck points in some of your relationships where it's the
Speaker 1: same thing and you're feeling the same way about it.
Speaker 1: I want us to think today as we listen to
Speaker 1: this call and to my responses, what am I holding
Speaker 1: on to that I need to release for myself? What
Speaker 1: am I holding on to that I need to release
Speaker 1: for my peace of mind.
Speaker 2: I'm hoping that you can give some advice on a
Speaker 2: current ongoing family feud. About three years ago, my husband
Speaker 2: and I were days out from our wedding when sucdly
Speaker 2: my sister in law and brother in law demanded that
Speaker 2: we apologized to them for causing their wedding to be
Speaker 2: late and making it so they don't get any family photos.
Speaker 2: I'd like to add that their wedding was three years
Speaker 2: prior to our wedding and we had honestly never heard
Speaker 2: of this being something that they were upset about. To
Speaker 2: give you a bit more backstory on this incident. The
Speaker 2: day of their wedding, my fiance called his mom and
Speaker 2: requested that I come to the hotel earlier than planned,
Speaker 2: where the bridal party was getting their hair and makeup done.
Speaker 2: The plan was to hopefully get me in earlier than
Speaker 2: plans so that I could get home, get the family,
Speaker 2: and head to the venue without running into evening traffic.
Speaker 2: We'd hit evening traffic the night prior for the rehearsal dinner,
Speaker 2: and we were trying to avoid that. They did allow
Speaker 2: me to come earlier, but once I got there, I
Speaker 2: didn't get my hair and makeup done until hours later.
Speaker 2: For whatever reason, they had me sit there for hours,
Speaker 2: even though we made our concerns very known about the timing.
Speaker 2: Once there, I didn't mention the timing again, as we
Speaker 2: had already expressed concern and I felt it was out
Speaker 2: of my hands. I will say I have a suspicion
Speaker 2: that my sister in law wasn't too thrilled with me
Speaker 2: being there getting my makeup done, as I had removed
Speaker 2: myself from the wedding party, so maybe that had something
Speaker 2: to do with the urgency I was given in the
Speaker 2: queue of bridesmaids. My fiance and I and our two
Speaker 2: little girls ended up being late to the wedding, so
Speaker 2: was the bride and groom an entire wedding party for
Speaker 2: that matter. As for the family photos, there were plenty
Speaker 2: of opportunities during the wedding for the bride and groom
Speaker 2: to get the family photos, had they put in effort
Speaker 2: and worked with their photographer. Nothing was ever said, though,
Speaker 2: and the wedding went on and I thought everything was
Speaker 2: okay between us. It never even crossed my mind there
Speaker 2: was animosity towards us, especially because of their wedding. On
Speaker 2: our way out that night, my sister in law even
Speaker 2: grabbed me and told me how much she cared for me.
Speaker 2: It was a sweet gesture, as she and I had
Speaker 2: what felt like a falling out leading up to her wedding.
Speaker 2: I stepped down as a bridesmaid months earlier because I
Speaker 2: could not handle her poor behavior. She turned into a bridezilla.
Speaker 2: Her laid back, chill demeanor that I had always adored
Speaker 2: had gone out the window. I was understanding that this
Speaker 2: was her big day and trying my best to deal
Speaker 2: with it for as long as possible, but for mental
Speaker 2: health purposes, not being in the wedding party and subjecting
Speaker 2: myself to hurt any longer. It was a relief. It's
Speaker 2: something I'm happy I did, even though I know doing so,
Speaker 2: I was looked at as if I was the bad guy.
Speaker 1: I can't recall what exact years, but there was this
Speaker 1: show and I'm not sure if it still comes on,
Speaker 1: but it was a show called Bridezilla, and I used
Speaker 1: to watch this. I was heavy in my reality TV
Speaker 1: show watching years. This was also around the time of
Speaker 1: you know, maybe Flavor of Love and Bad Girls Club
Speaker 1: and you know, all these really fun reality shows, and
Speaker 1: watching Bridezilla, you know, episode after episode you would see
Speaker 1: these highly stressed scenarios and you know, people not able
Speaker 1: to emotionally regulate themselves. After watching a few episodes, I
Speaker 1: realized that they have a recipe sort of for self
Speaker 1: destruction and for ruining your real relationships post wedding. And
Speaker 1: it was to create like a high intensity, high stressful
Speaker 1: sort of environment. Like I don't know if it was like, hey,
Speaker 1: let's make all the caterers quit on this person, and
Speaker 1: then it would be like, oh my gosh, I have
Speaker 1: to make the food for my wedding, and you know,
Speaker 1: it was just always chaos, and I think sometimes we
Speaker 1: think that's how weddings have to be. I get so
Speaker 1: many questions around I'm getting married. It's going to be
Speaker 1: so stressful, the anticipation is already there. It's going to
Speaker 1: be so stressful. It's going to be a terrible experience.
Speaker 1: How do I get through this? And I have to
Speaker 1: believe that some of the people we've seen, some of
Speaker 1: the stories we heard, certainly this one, you know, Certainly
Speaker 1: things we've seen on TV sort of influenced this idea
Speaker 1: that there is a way where suppose to act as
Speaker 1: a bride, There are certain things we are supposed to
Speaker 1: expect and demand of other people. And I don't believe
Speaker 1: it to be true. I think there are some folks
Speaker 1: who have a very peaceful process and they don't lose
Speaker 1: their relationships in the wedding process. I think the way
Speaker 1: that we do that is with boundaries. We are clear
Speaker 1: with our expectations up front. We're not overloading people with
Speaker 1: things to do. We're managing our mood because sometimes when
Speaker 1: we are stressed, we can't be a little snappy. We
Speaker 1: can be demanding. We can tell people, you know, how
Speaker 1: they should pose in a picture. Oh my gosh, I
Speaker 1: say off white, you have beige. You know, we can
Speaker 1: do things when we're already really stressed, maybe about finances,
Speaker 1: maybe about you know, becoming a part of a new family.
Speaker 1: Maybe our best friend who's the maid of honor is
Speaker 1: not you know, maybe they're newly pregnant. You weren't expecting that.
Speaker 1: Like all of these sort of things come up, we
Speaker 1: have the power to better manage our situations. Now in
Speaker 1: this case, who knew that the issues were there? Who
Speaker 1: knew that this person was so upset about these things
Speaker 1: that didn't happen years before, and now this energy is
Speaker 1: being transitioned into a new family wedding. It is up
Speaker 1: to us to set our expectations reasonably, and so that
Speaker 1: is what will help preserve those relationships. Now, let's think
Speaker 1: about some reasonable expectations. If you are fresh out of
Speaker 1: college and you want to get married and all of
Speaker 1: your friends are recently graduated, you may not want to
Speaker 1: have the most expensive wedding of your dreams and expect
Speaker 1: everybody to travel to whatever paradise and be able to
Speaker 1: pay for themselves and have you know, the thousand dollars
Speaker 1: bridesmaids dresses. And if you do that, maybe expect that
Speaker 1: some people can't go along with it. Maybe expect that,
Speaker 1: you know, there will be some people in your family
Speaker 1: who are going to have some feedback. Maybe expect that
Speaker 1: your sister in law isn't always going to be bubbly
Speaker 1: about your experience. How can we temper our expectations around
Speaker 1: our weddings? It is such a special day, you know,
Speaker 1: I think so many of us we're planning, we're processing,
Speaker 1: We're like, this person must do this. Nobody can ruin
Speaker 1: my day. But I promise you a wedding is just
Speaker 1: one day in the grand scheme of being married. And
Speaker 1: if we don't get through this baby step, we will
Speaker 1: have some challenges ahead in our marriages and in those
Speaker 1: families that we are becoming a part of. And it
Speaker 1: sounds like if that is not remedied early on, it
Speaker 1: just it just keeps going and all of these issues
Speaker 1: sort of come up, unfortunately at a time that isn't
Speaker 1: even about you. So that brings me to my next thought.
Speaker 1: Passive aggressiveness. You know, I know it's a phrase that
Speaker 1: many of us have heard, like what is it? Though?
Speaker 1: One big thing that it is is bringing up information
Speaker 1: or aggrievance at an inappropriate time. It's not your moment,
Speaker 1: this is not your event. No one said, hey, does
Speaker 1: anyone have any issues here? And here you are stating
Speaker 1: an issue. Here, you are throwing something in someone's face
Speaker 1: that can be very passive aggressive, passive because you hadn't
Speaker 1: said anything about it, and you've been holding onto this
Speaker 1: aggressive based on the way that it's coming out. The
Speaker 1: behavior after is an indication of how you felt about
Speaker 1: this thing for months, four weeks, four years, and it's
Speaker 1: sort of coats, you know, some of those future experiences
Speaker 1: with people. So let's continue to listen to this letter,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure you know thrown in here there will
Speaker 1: be some more things that we'll be able to pull out.
Speaker 1: Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2: Months after the wedding, we went on a week long
Speaker 2: family vacation with my in laws, including my sister and
Speaker 2: brother in law. Everything was great on that vacation and
Speaker 2: we felt like we got to bond with them and
Speaker 2: fall into our old friendship. So my husband and I
Speaker 2: were very taken back when they demanded an apology and
Speaker 2: created these issues out of nowhere just days before our wedding.
Speaker 2: It truly felt like they were trying to sabotage all
Speaker 2: the work we had put into our wedding. The timing
Speaker 2: of them bringing up these issues was just too bizarre. This, too,
Speaker 2: is an odd situation because we used to be extremely
Speaker 2: close with my sister and brother in law. Pardon me
Speaker 2: believes that it wasn't actually about needing an apology for
Speaker 2: the wedding. There have been several comments and conversations over
Speaker 2: the years from my in laws about how there's possibly
Speaker 2: some degree of jealousy at play with my sister in
Speaker 2: law towards us. We ultimately decided not to apologize for
Speaker 2: their wedding because we didn't want to be inauthentic and
Speaker 2: tell them what they wanted to hear, because in our hearts,
Speaker 2: we do not believe we cause their wedding to be late,
Speaker 2: or do we take responsibility for them not getting the
Speaker 2: photos they wanted.
Speaker 1: Can I just say that I appreciate when people are
Speaker 1: brave enough to not apologize when they don't mean it,
Speaker 1: because you know, we certainly live in a culture where
Speaker 1: you just issue the apology to move along, or you
Speaker 1: just make up something you know to I apologize you
Speaker 1: feel that way, I apologize I wasn't in your pictures
Speaker 1: and it's like, I don't really mean it. I'm just
Speaker 1: signing this so you'll stop talking to me about it.
Speaker 1: But when we can really sit with that and say, hmm,
Speaker 1: I actually don't apologize. I do want this relationship with you.
Speaker 1: I wonder how we can can work through it. But
Speaker 1: this is not a situation that I'm ready to take
Speaker 1: any accountability for. And it doesn't mean that you'll never apologize.
Speaker 1: It just might mean you need more time. You're not
Speaker 1: ready yet, you don't have enough information. In hindsight, you
Speaker 1: might see some things that you know bring you to
Speaker 1: the point of, ah, I really did hurt them. I
Speaker 1: did cause you know, this sort of rift in the
Speaker 1: family or whatever it is. But to say right now,
Speaker 1: I'm not feeling that, and so I do want to
Speaker 1: continue in this relationship, but I can't offer you what
Speaker 1: you need. I think that's a very brave place to
Speaker 1: land that I'm not ready yet and I want us
Speaker 1: to continue, and I wonder how we can work through this.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you know when it's when it's time to apologize.
Speaker 1: Having more information and really developing the compassion for the
Speaker 1: person who is injured can help you discover, you know
Speaker 1: where the apology is maybe is not the apology for
Speaker 1: the thing that there think, and it might be for
Speaker 1: something else. So you know, sitting and having conversations and
Speaker 1: developing your compassion can reveal what the apology needs to be.
Speaker 1: Let's take a break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 2: There's such an unwillingness to communicate from either one of them.
Speaker 2: We begged my sister in law and brother in law
Speaker 2: to come talk to us before our wedding so we
Speaker 2: could resolve any issues, and they refused. There was absolutely
Speaker 2: no desire to figure this out on their end, and
Speaker 2: it felt as if they just wanted to play the
Speaker 2: blame game with how they were acting. We ultimately asked
Speaker 2: them not to come to the wedding if they couldn't
Speaker 2: come talk to us and help us get to the
Speaker 2: bottom of everything. Since then, there's been so much ugly
Speaker 2: drama but this happening. I had even gone no contact
Speaker 2: with my in laws for about six months because it
Speaker 2: felt so draining and toxic. At certain points, it felt
Speaker 2: like my mother in law and father in law were
Speaker 2: taking some in all of this, so I felt best
Speaker 2: going no contact at that point. The family dynamic is
Speaker 2: very intertwined. My father in law owns an electrical company
Speaker 2: whom both my husband and sister in law both work for.
Speaker 2: So even when we wanted to distance ourselves from the
Speaker 2: negativity and let things calm down, it was very difficult.
Speaker 2: I do suppose time has helped, but we do not
Speaker 2: have a relationship with either my sister or brother in law.
Speaker 2: Now we've attended a handful of family gatherings with them
Speaker 2: and we have literally not spoken to one another, have
Speaker 2: avoided eye contact and shuffled around each other the best
Speaker 2: we can without engaging with one another. It has made birthdays,
Speaker 2: holidays and get together is very stressful and something I dread.
Speaker 2: In some cases, my husband and I have declinented joining
Speaker 2: in the family festivities, including some major holidays, because we
Speaker 2: want to avoid the uncomfortableness and awkwardness.
Speaker 1: At this point, avoidance will often leave us in the
Speaker 1: same experience. If we want to move forward in a situation,
Speaker 1: we sometimes have to be willing to sit with that discomfort.
Speaker 1: In those awkward moments after we've had disputes with people,
Speaker 1: we have to you know, accept their call and maybe, oh,
Speaker 1: they're going to have small talk and really get into
Speaker 1: a rhythm again. Because if we avoid sometimes we just
Speaker 1: end up staying away. We continue to maintain the silence,
Speaker 1: We continue to carry that thing that that happened because
Speaker 1: we haven't chosen to re engage. I learned my level
Speaker 1: of moving forward when I became a parent. I didn't
Speaker 1: I didn't even know it was possible to be so
Speaker 1: offended by someone and and then just you know, have
Speaker 1: to feed this person. You know, your kid flips out
Speaker 1: in the target parking line and kicking a tire and
Speaker 1: you're like, you know what, I still want to get
Speaker 1: you in the car safely, Like I just I just
Speaker 1: want to get us home, you know, I just want
Speaker 1: to I just want to lay you down. Like it's like,
Speaker 1: I'm not past that situation, but I can move forward
Speaker 1: with you. There is no grudge, there is no punishment.
Speaker 1: I understand that you were upset, and I'm not personalizing it.
Speaker 1: I would be upset too if I passed all that
Speaker 1: candy and could never get it right. Like you start
Speaker 1: to acknowledge that holding the grudge means hurting the person.
Speaker 1: Holding the grudge means that you're no longer in the
Speaker 1: relationship with this person. So if I'm saying, you know,
Speaker 1: I would really like this relationship to work or I
Speaker 1: would really like to resolve this situation. I have to
Speaker 1: lean into that initial discomfort of resolving the situation, which
Speaker 1: is going to be some awkwardness. Now again, we may
Speaker 1: need to set some boundaries around Hey, you know, this
Speaker 1: situation happened. It doesn't seem like it's anything that we
Speaker 1: can agree about out. You know, we all have our
Speaker 1: different positions, and what could be helpful is if we
Speaker 1: choose not to talk about it anymore, and we choose
Speaker 1: not to have these side conversations about it, what could
Speaker 1: it look like if we continue to move forward without
Speaker 1: revisiting this thing. The agreement can be we don't talk
Speaker 1: about this for now until we have a better perspective
Speaker 1: about it. Maybe we need some family therapy, maybe we
Speaker 1: need some individual therapy. But there are other things that
Speaker 1: we need to explore before we can come back to
Speaker 1: this conversation. Because what happens is we'll hold on to
Speaker 1: our point. You know, I can think of tons of
Speaker 1: scenarios where I could have been in seventh grade and
Speaker 1: I still feel like I'm right about that situation. Right,
Speaker 1: It's like, no, that teacher, It's like, you know, if
Speaker 1: I really look at the situation, from outside myself, maybe
Speaker 1: I could see I'm wrong. Maybe if I had another
Speaker 1: voice in the matter, maybe I could see this from
Speaker 1: a different perspective or their perspective. But when we are
Speaker 1: holding on to note I was right, I'm always right
Speaker 1: in situations, it's really hard to have any movement around
Speaker 1: the idea, and sometimes we just have to agree we don't.
Speaker 1: This is something we can't talk about weddings. You know,
Speaker 1: we had our issue with them. Now we need to
Speaker 1: focus on who can be the monopoly champion in this family.
Speaker 1: We need a new topic, We need a new thing.
Speaker 1: We cannot focus on these old things, the initial awkwardness
Speaker 1: and you know, just sitting there and not knowing what
Speaker 1: to talk about. You can be the icebreaker. You can
Speaker 1: be the person to have regular conversation. You can be
Speaker 1: the person to play games, you can be the person
Speaker 1: to coordinate the event. Some things don't deserve second, third, fourth,
Speaker 1: and fifth conversations about them, because we're going back to
Speaker 1: those conversations with the same mind said, I'm going to
Speaker 1: say here, everybody was right from their own perspective. According
Speaker 1: to your perspective, you were correct. According to your sister
Speaker 1: and brother in law, they were correct. Accord everybody's right.
Speaker 1: How do we continue on with everybody being right in
Speaker 1: it not being okay for us? Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2: Our last most recent blaw up with my sister and
Speaker 2: brother in law was at my son's one year birthday party.
Speaker 2: We decided to have my son's birthday party at my
Speaker 2: in law's home because my father in law has health
Speaker 2: conditions that make it hard for him to be out
Speaker 2: for too long. Unfortunately, my in law's house has a
Speaker 2: ring camera on it and my sister in law has
Speaker 2: access to everything on that camera. There is concern for
Speaker 2: my mother in law how this would make my sister
Speaker 2: and brother in law feel if they saw us going
Speaker 2: over for a little birthday party for our son without
Speaker 2: extending an invitation to them. In this situation, it led
Speaker 2: to some pressure to invite them and for us to
Speaker 2: be the bigger people. I wish we hadn't given it
Speaker 2: a feeling that way and not try to people please
Speaker 2: in this situation, because it ultimately led to many problems
Speaker 2: for months. My brother in law is not very fond
Speaker 2: of anything that has to do with family get togethers,
Speaker 2: let alone get togethers that are sprung on him last minute.
Speaker 2: He's overall just not the family oriented type. He shows
Speaker 2: up only when it's absolutely expected and or necessary, and
Speaker 2: it makes for a very uncomfortable situation, especially since we've
Speaker 2: never resolved anything from the past. We ultimately went against
Speaker 2: our better judgment and invited them, knowing it would be uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: I believe that my sister in law actually wanted to
Speaker 2: be there. However, the energy that my brother in law
Speaker 2: walked in with was quite disgusting. He walked in and
Speaker 2: you could feel the energy radiating off of him that
Speaker 2: he did not want to be there. Essentially, this was
Speaker 2: an inconvenience for him. When he walked in, we weren't
Speaker 2: even able to say hello because he didn't even attempt
Speaker 2: to make eye contact with us. He walked straight past us,
Speaker 2: sat down and started watching the football game. It was
Speaker 2: such an incredibly awkward and hurtful situation. My husband and
Speaker 2: I decided that the best course of action for the
Speaker 2: situation was for us to leave and go home to celebrate.
Speaker 2: By us leaving, it did cost some drama, but honestly,
Speaker 2: sitting there for an extended amount of time. People who
Speaker 2: act like that about coming to their one year old
Speaker 2: nephew's birthday party sounded absolutely miserable and not something we
Speaker 2: were going to entertain, and this time arguing did break
Speaker 2: out briefly, which honestly, I know we could have handled better,
Speaker 2: but everyone's emotions got the best of them. A few
Speaker 2: days after this incident, after much thought, I reached out
Speaker 2: to my sister in law. I asked her if we
Speaker 2: could please speak in person and get to the bottom
Speaker 2: of this. Her response to me was that she would
Speaker 2: meet me and we could talk, but she would not
Speaker 2: participate in discussing the past. She made it very clear
Speaker 2: she was only interested in talking about the future. With
Speaker 2: that response, I didn't push for a meetup, as I
Speaker 2: felt it wouldn't be productive. After this incident, there was
Speaker 2: months of drama. Several holidays were done separately. Since then,
Speaker 2: I started therapy to try and figure out the best
Speaker 2: course of action for us to take as a family
Speaker 2: in the situation. We've been open to the idea of
Speaker 2: rekindling a relationship with them under the condition that we
Speaker 2: address what has happened in the past. With the years
Speaker 2: that have been wasted away on all of this fighting,
Speaker 2: I decided that I'd reach out one last final time
Speaker 2: to my sister and brother in law. I ran this
Speaker 2: by my mother in law to see if she felt
Speaker 2: it was worth trying, and to see if her and
Speaker 2: my father in law could maybe help financially with paying
Speaker 2: for family counseling for the four of us to attend.
Speaker 2: If my brother and sister in law would be willing,
Speaker 2: I wrote them a very detailed, heartfelt letter about how
Speaker 2: we'd like to have a relationship with them, but we'd
Speaker 2: like to go to family counseling with them so we
Speaker 2: could get any issues resolved in a safe environment and
Speaker 2: to stop sweeping everything under the rug Sadly, my sister
Speaker 2: in law told me that they have a lot going
Speaker 2: on right now, so emotionally they are unable to read
Speaker 2: our letter at this time, but would like to focus
Speaker 2: on moving forward to create a fresh start in our
Speaker 2: relationship and embrace a positive future. I responded with, we
Speaker 2: are very understanding and we're open to come back to
Speaker 2: this once they're in a better spot emotionally, and I
Speaker 2: never got a response back.
Speaker 1: When people don't want to go to family therapy, you
Speaker 1: can still go to individual therapy. You bring your individual
Speaker 1: self to your family, so the things that you work
Speaker 1: on with your therapists are helpful in the family. Sometimes
Speaker 1: we think that going to family therapy is going to
Speaker 1: help us resolve an ongoing dispute, and that can be
Speaker 1: the case, but what's even bigger is us individually learning
Speaker 1: how to show up with other people, even outside our family.
Speaker 1: Because this energy that you have in the family, I'm
Speaker 1: sure you have it in other spaces. And I'm not
Speaker 1: just talking about you, but also your sister in law,
Speaker 1: your brother in law. Like you take yourself with you
Speaker 1: wherever you go, and so if this is how you
Speaker 1: respond and conflict, it's not just in this space. So
Speaker 1: going to family therapy to resolve it in the family,
Speaker 1: it needs to be resolved internally, so it's not showing
Speaker 1: up up in these other spaces. I feel a little
Speaker 1: bit like when we have an issue, we pull other
Speaker 1: people into it to get their input. For instance, you
Speaker 1: know when siblings are arguing, it's like, we're gonna call mine,
Speaker 1: We're gonna call dat and see what their perspective is.
Speaker 1: It can be really helpful for us as adults to
Speaker 1: just work through it with the person. So if your
Speaker 1: issue is with your sister in law, and that's the
Speaker 1: person who you think is the most reasonable to talk
Speaker 1: to to speak to her directly. You don't have to
Speaker 1: bring your brother in law into it. She can take
Speaker 1: whatever you want to say to her back to your
Speaker 1: brother in law. But a lot of this it could
Speaker 1: be a one on one communication and it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be discussed with your mother in law, your brother
Speaker 1: in law, the cousin in law. We don't have to
Speaker 1: pull all of these folks into it. And really owning
Speaker 1: your side of the street says a lot. Another thing
Speaker 1: I'm thinking of here is some things don't have a bottom.
Speaker 1: We think we need to get to the bottom of this.
Speaker 1: We need to explore this more so we can really
Speaker 1: figure this thing out. I don't know if there's a
Speaker 1: reason for some things to happen, or if there is
Speaker 1: some explanation that would make you feel better about all
Speaker 1: of these years of contention. Maybe not getting to the
Speaker 1: bottom is okay. And I know what you're thinking here, like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, do you sweep everything under the rug? No?
Speaker 1: But sometimes we have to move on because we can
Speaker 1: talk about the same conversation over and over in the
Speaker 1: same way and there is no progress made. Sometimes the
Speaker 1: progress is saying, hey, we're not going to make any
Speaker 1: progress on this conversation. We need to do topic. Both
Speaker 1: of you were hurt and wrong. That might be the bottom,
Speaker 1: that might be the resolution that we've heard each other before.
Speaker 1: How do we not do that again in the future
Speaker 1: when we need to communicate about a difficult topic. How
Speaker 1: do we let each other know that something is bothering us?
Speaker 1: If I want you to be a part of something,
Speaker 1: how do I request that you be a part of
Speaker 1: this thing that's really important to me? How do I
Speaker 1: address our issues earlier? Those are the things that could
Speaker 1: be hopeful. But getting to this, why did you do this? No,
Speaker 1: I didn't do that. A few years ago. I had
Speaker 1: the same argument with the same person. It seemed like
Speaker 1: about once a year, and you know, it got to
Speaker 1: a point where, oh, here's the yearly argument again, and
Speaker 1: I said, I'm not doing this argument anymore. My resolution
Speaker 1: is not to have this argument anymore. Like this is
Speaker 1: going to be the last time we talk about this thing,
Speaker 1: because I already know how it's going to go. I
Speaker 1: didn't do this. I think you did it. And we're
Speaker 1: going to go back and forth and it's going to
Speaker 1: take about it hour, hour and a half, and I
Speaker 1: can tell you how we'll feel when we walk away
Speaker 1: and no one was heard. You know, it's like paint
Speaker 1: the picture. We've already done it. We don't need to
Speaker 1: talk about this anymore. It's not a helpful conversation to have.
Speaker 1: There is no understanding in the conversation. No one's willing
Speaker 1: to move from their point of view because we have
Speaker 1: a deep belief about what we felt and what we experience.
Speaker 1: And at this point, I think we're both telling the
Speaker 1: truth our truth now, is it the truth? No? But
Speaker 1: maybe my perspective isn't either. But I know this much.
Speaker 1: We're not making any progress by talking about this same thing,
Speaker 1: even if it's a year later, even if it's two
Speaker 1: years later, because we still feel the same way about it.
Speaker 1: The only way we would make progress is if someone conceded,
Speaker 1: and that's not happening. So if we want to move forward,
Speaker 1: we have to choose to move forward. If we don't
Speaker 1: want to move forward, we have to choose not to
Speaker 1: move forward, but to be in this limbo of there
Speaker 1: is some conversation that will move this to a different space.
Speaker 1: I want to tell you today that there are some
Speaker 1: things that there is no bottom too. This is not real, Robin.
Speaker 1: It is not like bottomless French fries like, oh, everything
Speaker 1: has some No, you know what bottomless means ongoing forever
Speaker 1: and ever and ever endeavor. That's why they have it
Speaker 1: that way. Sometimes or at some point, people have to
Speaker 1: stop it. That's why they give you bottomless. You have
Speaker 1: to choose to stop it, and most people do. There's
Speaker 1: no one who's been there for five years at the
Speaker 1: rest around eating French fries. People stop it at some point.
Speaker 1: So the bottom is just choosing to stop it. So
Speaker 1: you can choose to stop it. She can choose to
Speaker 1: stop it. I would say, the person writing this letter,
Speaker 1: who is calling in with the frustrations and the pains
Speaker 1: around this, you are the person and who you know
Speaker 1: wisely might want to be the person to say, Okay,
Speaker 1: I think we need to stop it. I'm going to
Speaker 1: stop it.
Speaker 2: At this point. For my husband and I, we can't
Speaker 2: move forward with them without discussing what has happened. The energy, awkwardness,
Speaker 2: and uncomfortableness that has come with what has happened is
Speaker 2: extremely unhealthy. We're concerned that they could create issues out
Speaker 2: of the blue yet again in the future for no
Speaker 2: apparent reason, especially if we simply let this go. There's
Speaker 2: a quote that I love, and it says the simplest
Speaker 2: way I know who belongs in my life is to
Speaker 2: let people do what they want and to see what
Speaker 2: that is. I feel she has answered loud and clear.
Speaker 2: My mother in law says she's talked to her daughter
Speaker 2: about this, and my mother in law bely is her
Speaker 2: daughter truly cares and wants a relationship, but she's just
Speaker 2: scared of conflict. I believe it's much more than that. Sadly,
Speaker 2: there's no desire on their end to actually get to
Speaker 2: the bottom of this. I believe I'm dealing with someone
Speaker 2: who does not want to be held accountable for anything
Speaker 2: in this. My husband and I are okay doing things
Speaker 2: separately at this time, especially if there's an unwell for
Speaker 2: them to participate in finding true healing. We're no longer
Speaker 2: interested in sweeping anything and everything under the rug. My
Speaker 2: mother in law has agreed to also respect our wishes
Speaker 2: and doing things separately if they can't so much as
Speaker 2: take the time to read our letter. This sounds harsh,
Speaker 2: but I truly believe her actions in this really show
Speaker 2: where she and my brother in law are in all
Speaker 2: of this. Half of me wishes my mother in law
Speaker 2: could see what I'm seeing. Part of me just doesn't
Speaker 2: care anymore, as long as I don't have to deal
Speaker 2: with the drama and we can all agree to do
Speaker 2: things separately and comfortably. I wonder if they secretly like
Speaker 2: this drama and keeping their distance from us and the kids,
Speaker 2: especially if they actually do harvard feelings of resentment or
Speaker 2: anger towards us. I feel sadness and guilt because my
Speaker 2: father in law is not in good health and he,
Speaker 2: of course would like to see his family come together.
Speaker 2: I feel sad for my mother in law. She always
Speaker 2: does everything she can to pull the family together, and
Speaker 2: she worries greatly about hurting people's feelings by doing separate birthdays, holidays,
Speaker 2: and get togethers. I'm even sad the friendships were lost
Speaker 2: in all of this. It's wild to think we used
Speaker 2: to be so close with both of them and now
Speaker 2: we can't even hold a conversation or be around each other.
Speaker 2: Truly does not sit well with my husband or I
Speaker 2: to pretend like nothing has happened, especially if they continue
Speaker 2: to walk into our children's birthday parties with disgust and
Speaker 2: carry this much unspoken animosity. I'm tired of shuffling around
Speaker 2: them at holidays and feeling uncomfortable. I'm not sure what
Speaker 2: my sister in law expects for us all just show
Speaker 2: up to the next big holiday and for us to
Speaker 2: act phony and act as if we maintained a friendship
Speaker 2: throughout the past few years, like we're one big, happy family.
Speaker 2: I understand it's their choice to not want to talk
Speaker 2: about the past, but for us to maintain a healthy relationship,
Speaker 2: I believe talking through issues and concerns is a powerful
Speaker 2: way to care for the relationship. I'm not interested in
Speaker 2: her words say they want to embrace a positive future.
Speaker 2: Their words say one thing, when their actions say something
Speaker 2: entirely different. At this point, what I'm more interested in
Speaker 2: is what our plan of action is in achieving a
Speaker 2: brighter future. Honestly, though, with their unwillingness to talk about anything,
Speaker 2: I feel like our relationship with them could be better
Speaker 2: off just left in the past. It's a unique situation
Speaker 2: because they aren't just friends that we can quietly slip
Speaker 2: away from. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Is
Speaker 2: there anything we can be doing to make this work
Speaker 2: without completely ignoring the issues and going against what we'd
Speaker 2: like to see happen. Is it wrong of us to
Speaker 2: want to discuss all that's happened and have a better
Speaker 2: understanding because we're still without answers and all of this
Speaker 2: thanks so much.
Speaker 1: It is not wrong of you to want answers, but
Speaker 1: I do wonder will you get the answers. Sometimes when
Speaker 1: we're looking for someone to give us an explanation, we
Speaker 1: forget that we're looking for a reasonable explanation and they
Speaker 1: may not have it. It is possible that they are
Speaker 1: doing things without any intention behind those things. Because this
Speaker 1: is your life, you can choose who you want to
Speaker 1: be in relationship with and who you do not want
Speaker 1: to be in relationship with. But with that said, is
Speaker 1: there any flexibility around a person having some imperfections? Is
Speaker 1: there any way to be cordially kind? Right? Like, we
Speaker 1: don't have to like everyone. And there are some people
Speaker 1: in your family who I know, I have some people.
Speaker 1: I'm only gonna see them at my mama house. They
Speaker 1: not coming to my house. But when I see them, hey,
Speaker 1: how are you? And that said, you know, it doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be my favorite relative. But when I see
Speaker 1: this person, can I be kind wave and have some
Speaker 1: small talk? Sure? And is that being fake. Not necessarily.
Speaker 1: We just won't get along with everyone. We didn't get
Speaker 1: along with everyone in our class, but we certainly you know,
Speaker 1: if the teacher said passed them a piece of paper,
Speaker 1: you pass them a piece of paper. You didn't skip
Speaker 1: over their desk. And I think you're seeing this as
Speaker 1: I can have nothing to do with this person until
Speaker 1: some extent. That's true, and you will have to deal
Speaker 1: with the consequences of what that looks like for the
Speaker 1: rest of the family, because it might mean you will
Speaker 1: not be at certain events, or your children will not
Speaker 1: be involved in certain things, or their children will not
Speaker 1: be involved in some way. And so if you want
Speaker 1: like this We're all together sort of experience, it might
Speaker 1: require you to release this idea of getting to the
Speaker 1: bottom of having this conversation around what the answers are
Speaker 1: and saying, you know, perhaps there are no answers to
Speaker 1: be had, or there are no answers that would make
Speaker 1: me feel better, and in my desire to be a
Speaker 1: part of this family, there are some boundaries that I
Speaker 1: can have around my relationship with them. Here are ways
Speaker 1: that I can show up and you know, still feel
Speaker 1: pretty true to myself. And here are some other ways
Speaker 1: where I will need to speak up for myself. So
Speaker 1: I wonder what your boundaries could be with them? You
Speaker 1: know what your long term goal would be with them?
Speaker 1: Can you be in a relationship with people who who
Speaker 1: think different than you and who are accountable? Sure? Do
Speaker 1: you want that? So there are a lot of questions
Speaker 1: here that I think you'll need to answer and you'll
Speaker 1: need to think about. You know what this could look
Speaker 1: like long term, not just for yourself, but also for
Speaker 1: everyone in your household. You need to hear this. Throughout
Speaker 1: this episode, you have heard be say sometimes there is
Speaker 1: no bottom, there is no resolution that we can understand
Speaker 1: that we can agree with, and sometimes things just don't
Speaker 1: make any sense. When we are going to people expecting
Speaker 1: them to release us from the discomfort we're experiencing because
Speaker 1: of who they are, we might be disappointed because they
Speaker 1: may not have the wise reason that we're looking for,
Speaker 1: because we're looking for a think, We're looking for a
Speaker 1: particular thing for them to say in a particular way
Speaker 1: for them to say it, and they may not be
Speaker 1: able to offer that. And what I would love to
Speaker 1: offer you is sometimes we have to release ourselves. Last year,
Speaker 1: we had a podcast where we answered some of your
Speaker 1: shorter questions, and I'd love to do that again. So
Speaker 1: if you have a question that is short that we
Speaker 1: can answer along with two or three others, please submit
Speaker 1: it to be featured on an upcoming podcast. You Need
Speaker 1: to Hear This is an iHeart production hosted by Mendra
Speaker 1: Glover to Whip. Our executive producer is Joel Bardique. Our
Speaker 1: senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us
Speaker 1: a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships
Speaker 1: at You Need to Hear This at iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 1: Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
Speaker 1: to it, and share this episode with someone who needs
Speaker 1: to hear this. Talk to you next time