WEBVTT - Declare There Is No Bottom 0:00:02.240 --> 0:00:05.760 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedrik lover to WIB and 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:10.720 you need to hear this. This week. We have a 0:00:11.000 --> 0:00:15.280 letter about a big family argument that has been carrying 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:20.360 on for years and years, and it is the same argument, 0:00:20.560 --> 0:00:23.120 and I want you to think about, what are those 0:00:23.280 --> 0:00:27.920 stuck points in some of your relationships where it's the 0:00:27.960 --> 0:00:32.879 same thing and you're feeling the same way about it. 0:00:33.479 --> 0:00:36.440 I want us to think today as we listen to 0:00:37.200 --> 0:00:41.360 this call and to my responses, what am I holding 0:00:41.479 --> 0:00:46.120 on to that I need to release for myself? What 0:00:46.240 --> 0:00:50.680 am I holding on to that I need to release 0:00:50.800 --> 0:00:52.080 for my peace of mind. 0:00:53.520 --> 0:00:55.560 I'm hoping that you can give some advice on a 0:00:55.600 --> 0:00:59.000 current ongoing family feud. About three years ago, my husband 0:00:59.040 --> 0:01:01.720 and I were days out from our wedding when sucdly 0:01:01.760 --> 0:01:04.200 my sister in law and brother in law demanded that 0:01:04.240 --> 0:01:06.399 we apologized to them for causing their wedding to be 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:09.480 late and making it so they don't get any family photos. 0:01:09.840 --> 0:01:11.640 I'd like to add that their wedding was three years 0:01:11.720 --> 0:01:14.040 prior to our wedding and we had honestly never heard 0:01:14.040 --> 0:01:16.319 of this being something that they were upset about. To 0:01:16.360 --> 0:01:18.560 give you a bit more backstory on this incident. The 0:01:18.680 --> 0:01:22.400 day of their wedding, my fiance called his mom and 0:01:22.440 --> 0:01:25.039 requested that I come to the hotel earlier than planned, 0:01:25.040 --> 0:01:27.399 where the bridal party was getting their hair and makeup done. 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:30.160 The plan was to hopefully get me in earlier than 0:01:30.200 --> 0:01:32.679 plans so that I could get home, get the family, 0:01:32.720 --> 0:01:35.000 and head to the venue without running into evening traffic. 0:01:35.480 --> 0:01:38.280 We'd hit evening traffic the night prior for the rehearsal dinner, 0:01:38.319 --> 0:01:40.800 and we were trying to avoid that. They did allow 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:42.560 me to come earlier, but once I got there, I 0:01:42.600 --> 0:01:44.800 didn't get my hair and makeup done until hours later. 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:47.840 For whatever reason, they had me sit there for hours, 0:01:47.880 --> 0:01:50.840 even though we made our concerns very known about the timing. 0:01:51.160 --> 0:01:53.720 Once there, I didn't mention the timing again, as we 0:01:53.880 --> 0:01:56.640 had already expressed concern and I felt it was out 0:01:56.640 --> 0:01:59.760 of my hands. I will say I have a suspicion 0:01:59.840 --> 0:02:01.640 that my sister in law wasn't too thrilled with me 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:03.880 being there getting my makeup done, as I had removed 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:06.440 myself from the wedding party, so maybe that had something 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:07.960 to do with the urgency I was given in the 0:02:08.000 --> 0:02:10.680 queue of bridesmaids. My fiance and I and our two 0:02:10.720 --> 0:02:13.000 little girls ended up being late to the wedding, so 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:15.920 was the bride and groom an entire wedding party for 0:02:15.960 --> 0:02:18.639 that matter. As for the family photos, there were plenty 0:02:18.639 --> 0:02:21.320 of opportunities during the wedding for the bride and groom 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:23.920 to get the family photos, had they put in effort 0:02:23.919 --> 0:02:26.440 and worked with their photographer. Nothing was ever said, though, 0:02:26.440 --> 0:02:28.480 and the wedding went on and I thought everything was 0:02:28.520 --> 0:02:31.600 okay between us. It never even crossed my mind there 0:02:31.639 --> 0:02:34.280 was animosity towards us, especially because of their wedding. On 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:36.040 our way out that night, my sister in law even 0:02:36.080 --> 0:02:37.760 grabbed me and told me how much she cared for me. 0:02:38.720 --> 0:02:40.840 It was a sweet gesture, as she and I had 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:42.919 what felt like a falling out leading up to her wedding. 0:02:43.000 --> 0:02:45.720 I stepped down as a bridesmaid months earlier because I 0:02:45.760 --> 0:02:48.799 could not handle her poor behavior. She turned into a bridezilla. 0:02:49.160 --> 0:02:51.800 Her laid back, chill demeanor that I had always adored 0:02:51.800 --> 0:02:54.760 had gone out the window. I was understanding that this 0:02:54.880 --> 0:02:56.639 was her big day and trying my best to deal 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:58.600 with it for as long as possible, but for mental 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:01.280 health purposes, not being in the wedding party and subjecting 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:03.280 myself to hurt any longer. It was a relief. It's 0:03:03.280 --> 0:03:05.720 something I'm happy I did, even though I know doing so, 0:03:05.960 --> 0:03:07.720 I was looked at as if I was the bad guy. 0:03:11.520 --> 0:03:14.960 I can't recall what exact years, but there was this 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:17.040 show and I'm not sure if it still comes on, 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:21.359 but it was a show called Bridezilla, and I used 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:25.040 to watch this. I was heavy in my reality TV 0:03:25.200 --> 0:03:28.400 show watching years. This was also around the time of 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:31.400 you know, maybe Flavor of Love and Bad Girls Club 0:03:31.480 --> 0:03:35.360 and you know, all these really fun reality shows, and 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:39.960 watching Bridezilla, you know, episode after episode you would see 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:45.760 these highly stressed scenarios and you know, people not able 0:03:45.800 --> 0:03:51.480 to emotionally regulate themselves. After watching a few episodes, I 0:03:51.720 --> 0:03:57.240 realized that they have a recipe sort of for self 0:03:57.280 --> 0:04:02.200 destruction and for ruining your real relationships post wedding. And 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:07.800 it was to create like a high intensity, high stressful 0:04:07.960 --> 0:04:11.760 sort of environment. Like I don't know if it was like, hey, 0:04:12.360 --> 0:04:15.480 let's make all the caterers quit on this person, and 0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:17.400 then it would be like, oh my gosh, I have 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:19.599 to make the food for my wedding, and you know, 0:04:19.680 --> 0:04:25.320 it was just always chaos, and I think sometimes we 0:04:25.440 --> 0:04:29.719 think that's how weddings have to be. I get so 0:04:29.880 --> 0:04:34.760 many questions around I'm getting married. It's going to be 0:04:34.920 --> 0:04:38.599 so stressful, the anticipation is already there. It's going to 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:42.520 be so stressful. It's going to be a terrible experience. 0:04:43.760 --> 0:04:46.760 How do I get through this? And I have to 0:04:46.839 --> 0:04:49.840 believe that some of the people we've seen, some of 0:04:49.880 --> 0:04:53.200 the stories we heard, certainly this one, you know, Certainly 0:04:53.240 --> 0:04:57.080 things we've seen on TV sort of influenced this idea 0:04:57.320 --> 0:05:01.800 that there is a way where suppose to act as 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:05.279 a bride, There are certain things we are supposed to 0:05:05.560 --> 0:05:10.760 expect and demand of other people. And I don't believe 0:05:10.800 --> 0:05:13.360 it to be true. I think there are some folks 0:05:13.560 --> 0:05:18.480 who have a very peaceful process and they don't lose 0:05:18.600 --> 0:05:23.680 their relationships in the wedding process. I think the way 0:05:23.720 --> 0:05:27.440 that we do that is with boundaries. We are clear 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:33.240 with our expectations up front. We're not overloading people with 0:05:33.400 --> 0:05:37.360 things to do. We're managing our mood because sometimes when 0:05:37.400 --> 0:05:39.600 we are stressed, we can't be a little snappy. We 0:05:39.640 --> 0:05:42.919 can be demanding. We can tell people, you know, how 0:05:42.960 --> 0:05:45.640 they should pose in a picture. Oh my gosh, I 0:05:45.680 --> 0:05:48.520 say off white, you have beige. You know, we can 0:05:48.720 --> 0:05:53.640 do things when we're already really stressed, maybe about finances, 0:05:53.720 --> 0:05:58.080 maybe about you know, becoming a part of a new family. 0:05:58.240 --> 0:06:01.480 Maybe our best friend who's the maid of honor is 0:06:01.520 --> 0:06:04.599 not you know, maybe they're newly pregnant. You weren't expecting that. 0:06:04.720 --> 0:06:08.640 Like all of these sort of things come up, we 0:06:08.800 --> 0:06:12.560 have the power to better manage our situations. Now in 0:06:12.600 --> 0:06:17.159 this case, who knew that the issues were there? Who 0:06:17.240 --> 0:06:22.320 knew that this person was so upset about these things 0:06:22.360 --> 0:06:27.039 that didn't happen years before, and now this energy is 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:33.320 being transitioned into a new family wedding. It is up 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:39.160 to us to set our expectations reasonably, and so that 0:06:39.360 --> 0:06:43.160 is what will help preserve those relationships. Now, let's think 0:06:43.200 --> 0:06:48.000 about some reasonable expectations. If you are fresh out of 0:06:48.040 --> 0:06:51.360 college and you want to get married and all of 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:55.440 your friends are recently graduated, you may not want to 0:06:55.480 --> 0:06:58.360 have the most expensive wedding of your dreams and expect 0:06:58.360 --> 0:07:02.360 everybody to travel to whatever paradise and be able to 0:07:02.400 --> 0:07:05.599 pay for themselves and have you know, the thousand dollars 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:10.240 bridesmaids dresses. And if you do that, maybe expect that 0:07:10.320 --> 0:07:13.280 some people can't go along with it. Maybe expect that, 0:07:13.840 --> 0:07:16.680 you know, there will be some people in your family 0:07:16.720 --> 0:07:19.280 who are going to have some feedback. Maybe expect that 0:07:19.360 --> 0:07:22.880 your sister in law isn't always going to be bubbly 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:29.040 about your experience. How can we temper our expectations around 0:07:29.080 --> 0:07:32.120 our weddings? It is such a special day, you know, 0:07:32.160 --> 0:07:36.040 I think so many of us we're planning, we're processing, 0:07:36.160 --> 0:07:39.679 We're like, this person must do this. Nobody can ruin 0:07:39.760 --> 0:07:43.280 my day. But I promise you a wedding is just 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:49.200 one day in the grand scheme of being married. And 0:07:49.480 --> 0:07:54.120 if we don't get through this baby step, we will 0:07:54.200 --> 0:07:58.680 have some challenges ahead in our marriages and in those 0:07:58.760 --> 0:08:01.760 families that we are becoming a part of. And it 0:08:01.880 --> 0:08:06.640 sounds like if that is not remedied early on, it 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:10.640 just it just keeps going and all of these issues 0:08:10.720 --> 0:08:14.720 sort of come up, unfortunately at a time that isn't 0:08:14.800 --> 0:08:18.520 even about you. So that brings me to my next thought. 0:08:18.560 --> 0:08:21.960 Passive aggressiveness. You know, I know it's a phrase that 0:08:22.440 --> 0:08:25.239 many of us have heard, like what is it? Though? 0:08:25.800 --> 0:08:29.680 One big thing that it is is bringing up information 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:36.640 or aggrievance at an inappropriate time. It's not your moment, 0:08:37.120 --> 0:08:39.800 this is not your event. No one said, hey, does 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:42.760 anyone have any issues here? And here you are stating 0:08:42.800 --> 0:08:47.439 an issue. Here, you are throwing something in someone's face 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:52.600 that can be very passive aggressive, passive because you hadn't 0:08:52.640 --> 0:08:55.360 said anything about it, and you've been holding onto this 0:08:55.600 --> 0:08:59.760 aggressive based on the way that it's coming out. The 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:05.440 behavior after is an indication of how you felt about 0:09:05.480 --> 0:09:09.640 this thing for months, four weeks, four years, and it's 0:09:09.760 --> 0:09:15.000 sort of coats, you know, some of those future experiences 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:20.480 with people. So let's continue to listen to this letter, 0:09:21.000 --> 0:09:23.760 and I'm sure you know thrown in here there will 0:09:23.800 --> 0:09:26.120 be some more things that we'll be able to pull out. 0:09:26.320 --> 0:09:27.280 Let's keep listening. 0:09:28.640 --> 0:09:30.720 Months after the wedding, we went on a week long 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:33.360 family vacation with my in laws, including my sister and 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:35.600 brother in law. Everything was great on that vacation and 0:09:35.640 --> 0:09:37.200 we felt like we got to bond with them and 0:09:37.240 --> 0:09:39.400 fall into our old friendship. So my husband and I 0:09:39.440 --> 0:09:41.640 were very taken back when they demanded an apology and 0:09:41.679 --> 0:09:44.520 created these issues out of nowhere just days before our wedding. 0:09:44.640 --> 0:09:46.480 It truly felt like they were trying to sabotage all 0:09:46.520 --> 0:09:48.280 the work we had put into our wedding. The timing 0:09:48.280 --> 0:09:52.480 of them bringing up these issues was just too bizarre. This, too, 0:09:52.559 --> 0:09:54.760 is an odd situation because we used to be extremely 0:09:54.760 --> 0:09:56.600 close with my sister and brother in law. Pardon me 0:09:56.640 --> 0:09:58.760 believes that it wasn't actually about needing an apology for 0:09:58.800 --> 0:10:01.520 the wedding. There have been several comments and conversations over 0:10:01.559 --> 0:10:03.920 the years from my in laws about how there's possibly 0:10:03.920 --> 0:10:05.800 some degree of jealousy at play with my sister in 0:10:05.840 --> 0:10:09.280 law towards us. We ultimately decided not to apologize for 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:11.520 their wedding because we didn't want to be inauthentic and 0:10:11.559 --> 0:10:14.000 tell them what they wanted to hear, because in our hearts, 0:10:14.040 --> 0:10:15.800 we do not believe we cause their wedding to be late, 0:10:15.960 --> 0:10:17.839 or do we take responsibility for them not getting the 0:10:17.880 --> 0:10:18.720 photos they wanted. 0:10:25.600 --> 0:10:28.240 Can I just say that I appreciate when people are 0:10:28.280 --> 0:10:32.600 brave enough to not apologize when they don't mean it, 0:10:32.679 --> 0:10:36.319 because you know, we certainly live in a culture where 0:10:36.679 --> 0:10:40.320 you just issue the apology to move along, or you 0:10:40.480 --> 0:10:43.960 just make up something you know to I apologize you 0:10:44.000 --> 0:10:46.800 feel that way, I apologize I wasn't in your pictures 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:49.120 and it's like, I don't really mean it. I'm just 0:10:49.160 --> 0:10:51.200 signing this so you'll stop talking to me about it. 0:10:51.240 --> 0:10:54.080 But when we can really sit with that and say, hmm, 0:10:56.080 --> 0:10:59.720 I actually don't apologize. I do want this relationship with you. 0:10:59.880 --> 0:11:02.680 I wonder how we can can work through it. But 0:11:02.800 --> 0:11:06.360 this is not a situation that I'm ready to take 0:11:06.360 --> 0:11:10.360 any accountability for. And it doesn't mean that you'll never apologize. 0:11:10.400 --> 0:11:12.880 It just might mean you need more time. You're not 0:11:13.040 --> 0:11:17.000 ready yet, you don't have enough information. In hindsight, you 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:20.280 might see some things that you know bring you to 0:11:20.320 --> 0:11:23.000 the point of, ah, I really did hurt them. I 0:11:23.080 --> 0:11:25.800 did cause you know, this sort of rift in the 0:11:25.840 --> 0:11:28.520 family or whatever it is. But to say right now, 0:11:28.800 --> 0:11:32.040 I'm not feeling that, and so I do want to 0:11:32.080 --> 0:11:36.400 continue in this relationship, but I can't offer you what 0:11:36.480 --> 0:11:40.719 you need. I think that's a very brave place to 0:11:41.600 --> 0:11:45.320 land that I'm not ready yet and I want us 0:11:45.320 --> 0:11:47.760 to continue, and I wonder how we can work through this. 0:11:49.040 --> 0:11:52.720 Sometimes you know when it's when it's time to apologize. 0:11:52.760 --> 0:11:57.720 Having more information and really developing the compassion for the 0:11:57.800 --> 0:12:01.680 person who is injured can help you discover, you know 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:05.520 where the apology is maybe is not the apology for 0:12:05.640 --> 0:12:07.640 the thing that there think, and it might be for 0:12:07.720 --> 0:12:12.600 something else. So you know, sitting and having conversations and 0:12:12.640 --> 0:12:17.520 developing your compassion can reveal what the apology needs to be. 0:12:18.520 --> 0:12:20.559 Let's take a break and we'll be right back. 0:12:27.360 --> 0:12:30.320 There's such an unwillingness to communicate from either one of them. 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:32.840 We begged my sister in law and brother in law 0:12:32.880 --> 0:12:34.400 to come talk to us before our wedding so we 0:12:34.400 --> 0:12:38.040 could resolve any issues, and they refused. There was absolutely 0:12:38.080 --> 0:12:40.160 no desire to figure this out on their end, and 0:12:40.240 --> 0:12:41.599 it felt as if they just wanted to play the 0:12:41.640 --> 0:12:45.439 blame game with how they were acting. We ultimately asked 0:12:45.440 --> 0:12:47.000 them not to come to the wedding if they couldn't 0:12:47.040 --> 0:12:48.559 come talk to us and help us get to the 0:12:48.559 --> 0:12:51.120 bottom of everything. Since then, there's been so much ugly 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:53.680 drama but this happening. I had even gone no contact 0:12:53.679 --> 0:12:55.520 with my in laws for about six months because it 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:57.960 felt so draining and toxic. At certain points, it felt 0:12:57.960 --> 0:12:59.600 like my mother in law and father in law were 0:12:59.600 --> 0:13:01.960 taking some in all of this, so I felt best 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:04.720 going no contact at that point. The family dynamic is 0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:08.040 very intertwined. My father in law owns an electrical company 0:13:08.160 --> 0:13:10.839 whom both my husband and sister in law both work for. 0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:13.199 So even when we wanted to distance ourselves from the 0:13:13.240 --> 0:13:16.319 negativity and let things calm down, it was very difficult. 0:13:16.720 --> 0:13:18.760 I do suppose time has helped, but we do not 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:21.120 have a relationship with either my sister or brother in law. 0:13:21.200 --> 0:13:23.560 Now we've attended a handful of family gatherings with them 0:13:23.720 --> 0:13:25.760 and we have literally not spoken to one another, have 0:13:25.840 --> 0:13:28.520 avoided eye contact and shuffled around each other the best 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.680 we can without engaging with one another. It has made birthdays, 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:35.160 holidays and get together is very stressful and something I dread. 0:13:35.920 --> 0:13:38.800 In some cases, my husband and I have declinented joining 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:42.280 in the family festivities, including some major holidays, because we 0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:44.520 want to avoid the uncomfortableness and awkwardness. 0:13:44.559 --> 0:13:50.040 At this point, avoidance will often leave us in the 0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:55.760 same experience. If we want to move forward in a situation, 0:13:55.960 --> 0:13:59.920 we sometimes have to be willing to sit with that discomfort. 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:04.800 In those awkward moments after we've had disputes with people, 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:07.840 we have to you know, accept their call and maybe, oh, 0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:12.160 they're going to have small talk and really get into 0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:16.040 a rhythm again. Because if we avoid sometimes we just 0:14:16.160 --> 0:14:20.360 end up staying away. We continue to maintain the silence, 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:26.200 We continue to carry that thing that that happened because 0:14:26.240 --> 0:14:32.280 we haven't chosen to re engage. I learned my level 0:14:33.160 --> 0:14:39.880 of moving forward when I became a parent. I didn't 0:14:39.880 --> 0:14:42.480 I didn't even know it was possible to be so 0:14:42.960 --> 0:14:46.680 offended by someone and and then just you know, have 0:14:46.800 --> 0:14:49.240 to feed this person. You know, your kid flips out 0:14:49.280 --> 0:14:51.960 in the target parking line and kicking a tire and 0:14:52.000 --> 0:14:54.320 you're like, you know what, I still want to get 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:57.520 you in the car safely, Like I just I just 0:14:57.720 --> 0:14:59.880 want to get us home, you know, I just want 0:14:59.920 --> 0:15:02.280 to I just want to lay you down. Like it's like, 0:15:03.040 --> 0:15:08.000 I'm not past that situation, but I can move forward 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:10.960 with you. There is no grudge, there is no punishment. 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:14.880 I understand that you were upset, and I'm not personalizing it. 0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:17.640 I would be upset too if I passed all that 0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:21.440 candy and could never get it right. Like you start 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:27.320 to acknowledge that holding the grudge means hurting the person. 0:15:28.200 --> 0:15:31.160 Holding the grudge means that you're no longer in the 0:15:31.200 --> 0:15:35.480 relationship with this person. So if I'm saying, you know, 0:15:35.520 --> 0:15:38.680 I would really like this relationship to work or I 0:15:38.680 --> 0:15:42.760 would really like to resolve this situation. I have to 0:15:42.880 --> 0:15:48.160 lean into that initial discomfort of resolving the situation, which 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:51.720 is going to be some awkwardness. Now again, we may 0:15:51.760 --> 0:15:55.240 need to set some boundaries around Hey, you know, this 0:15:55.400 --> 0:15:59.000 situation happened. It doesn't seem like it's anything that we 0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:01.840 can agree about out. You know, we all have our 0:16:01.880 --> 0:16:04.400 different positions, and what could be helpful is if we 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:06.960 choose not to talk about it anymore, and we choose 0:16:07.000 --> 0:16:11.080 not to have these side conversations about it, what could 0:16:11.080 --> 0:16:14.120 it look like if we continue to move forward without 0:16:14.240 --> 0:16:20.480 revisiting this thing. The agreement can be we don't talk 0:16:20.560 --> 0:16:24.000 about this for now until we have a better perspective 0:16:24.040 --> 0:16:27.160 about it. Maybe we need some family therapy, maybe we 0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:30.720 need some individual therapy. But there are other things that 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:34.240 we need to explore before we can come back to 0:16:34.320 --> 0:16:37.840 this conversation. Because what happens is we'll hold on to 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:41.840 our point. You know, I can think of tons of 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:45.400 scenarios where I could have been in seventh grade and 0:16:45.400 --> 0:16:48.200 I still feel like I'm right about that situation. Right, 0:16:48.280 --> 0:16:52.040 It's like, no, that teacher, It's like, you know, if 0:16:52.080 --> 0:16:55.480 I really look at the situation, from outside myself, maybe 0:16:55.520 --> 0:16:58.040 I could see I'm wrong. Maybe if I had another 0:16:58.160 --> 0:17:01.000 voice in the matter, maybe I could see this from 0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:05.920 a different perspective or their perspective. But when we are 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:08.680 holding on to note I was right, I'm always right 0:17:08.720 --> 0:17:12.240 in situations, it's really hard to have any movement around 0:17:12.280 --> 0:17:16.359 the idea, and sometimes we just have to agree we don't. 0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:19.080 This is something we can't talk about weddings. You know, 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:22.280 we had our issue with them. Now we need to 0:17:22.359 --> 0:17:27.040 focus on who can be the monopoly champion in this family. 0:17:27.359 --> 0:17:29.200 We need a new topic, We need a new thing. 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:34.440 We cannot focus on these old things, the initial awkwardness 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:36.560 and you know, just sitting there and not knowing what 0:17:36.680 --> 0:17:40.600 to talk about. You can be the icebreaker. You can 0:17:40.640 --> 0:17:43.800 be the person to have regular conversation. You can be 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:46.920 the person to play games, you can be the person 0:17:47.119 --> 0:17:53.359 to coordinate the event. Some things don't deserve second, third, fourth, 0:17:53.880 --> 0:17:57.439 and fifth conversations about them, because we're going back to 0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:01.080 those conversations with the same mind said, I'm going to 0:18:01.119 --> 0:18:07.119 say here, everybody was right from their own perspective. According 0:18:07.160 --> 0:18:11.480 to your perspective, you were correct. According to your sister 0:18:11.560 --> 0:18:15.080 and brother in law, they were correct. Accord everybody's right. 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:19.640 How do we continue on with everybody being right in 0:18:19.640 --> 0:18:23.560 it not being okay for us? Let's keep listening. 0:18:27.800 --> 0:18:29.840 Our last most recent blaw up with my sister and 0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:32.280 brother in law was at my son's one year birthday party. 0:18:32.400 --> 0:18:34.280 We decided to have my son's birthday party at my 0:18:34.280 --> 0:18:36.240 in law's home because my father in law has health 0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:38.400 conditions that make it hard for him to be out 0:18:38.400 --> 0:18:40.920 for too long. Unfortunately, my in law's house has a 0:18:41.000 --> 0:18:42.879 ring camera on it and my sister in law has 0:18:42.920 --> 0:18:45.240 access to everything on that camera. There is concern for 0:18:45.320 --> 0:18:47.240 my mother in law how this would make my sister 0:18:47.280 --> 0:18:48.920 and brother in law feel if they saw us going 0:18:48.960 --> 0:18:51.080 over for a little birthday party for our son without 0:18:51.119 --> 0:18:53.720 extending an invitation to them. In this situation, it led 0:18:53.760 --> 0:18:55.879 to some pressure to invite them and for us to 0:18:55.880 --> 0:18:57.840 be the bigger people. I wish we hadn't given it 0:18:57.920 --> 0:18:59.760 a feeling that way and not try to people please 0:18:59.760 --> 0:19:03.120 in this situation, because it ultimately led to many problems 0:19:03.160 --> 0:19:05.440 for months. My brother in law is not very fond 0:19:05.480 --> 0:19:07.640 of anything that has to do with family get togethers, 0:19:07.920 --> 0:19:10.200 let alone get togethers that are sprung on him last minute. 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:13.200 He's overall just not the family oriented type. He shows 0:19:13.280 --> 0:19:16.520 up only when it's absolutely expected and or necessary, and 0:19:16.560 --> 0:19:19.320 it makes for a very uncomfortable situation, especially since we've 0:19:19.359 --> 0:19:22.160 never resolved anything from the past. We ultimately went against 0:19:22.200 --> 0:19:25.000 our better judgment and invited them, knowing it would be uncomfortable. 0:19:25.680 --> 0:19:27.600 I believe that my sister in law actually wanted to 0:19:27.600 --> 0:19:30.080 be there. However, the energy that my brother in law 0:19:30.119 --> 0:19:33.359 walked in with was quite disgusting. He walked in and 0:19:33.400 --> 0:19:35.600 you could feel the energy radiating off of him that 0:19:35.640 --> 0:19:37.399 he did not want to be there. Essentially, this was 0:19:37.440 --> 0:19:40.680 an inconvenience for him. When he walked in, we weren't 0:19:40.680 --> 0:19:42.879 even able to say hello because he didn't even attempt 0:19:42.920 --> 0:19:45.320 to make eye contact with us. He walked straight past us, 0:19:45.400 --> 0:19:48.199 sat down and started watching the football game. It was 0:19:48.280 --> 0:19:51.919 such an incredibly awkward and hurtful situation. My husband and 0:19:51.960 --> 0:19:54.119 I decided that the best course of action for the 0:19:54.119 --> 0:19:56.760 situation was for us to leave and go home to celebrate. 0:19:57.520 --> 0:19:59.880 By us leaving, it did cost some drama, but honestly, 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:02.040 sitting there for an extended amount of time. People who 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:04.000 act like that about coming to their one year old 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:07.800 nephew's birthday party sounded absolutely miserable and not something we 0:20:07.800 --> 0:20:10.200 were going to entertain, and this time arguing did break 0:20:10.200 --> 0:20:12.879 out briefly, which honestly, I know we could have handled better, 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:15.400 but everyone's emotions got the best of them. A few 0:20:15.440 --> 0:20:17.840 days after this incident, after much thought, I reached out 0:20:17.840 --> 0:20:20.000 to my sister in law. I asked her if we 0:20:20.000 --> 0:20:22.040 could please speak in person and get to the bottom 0:20:22.119 --> 0:20:25.240 of this. Her response to me was that she would 0:20:25.280 --> 0:20:27.479 meet me and we could talk, but she would not 0:20:27.520 --> 0:20:30.480 participate in discussing the past. She made it very clear 0:20:30.600 --> 0:20:33.159 she was only interested in talking about the future. With 0:20:33.200 --> 0:20:35.520 that response, I didn't push for a meetup, as I 0:20:35.560 --> 0:20:38.639 felt it wouldn't be productive. After this incident, there was 0:20:38.720 --> 0:20:42.520 months of drama. Several holidays were done separately. Since then, 0:20:42.800 --> 0:20:44.800 I started therapy to try and figure out the best 0:20:44.840 --> 0:20:46.600 course of action for us to take as a family 0:20:46.600 --> 0:20:48.959 in the situation. We've been open to the idea of 0:20:49.000 --> 0:20:51.600 rekindling a relationship with them under the condition that we 0:20:51.640 --> 0:20:54.200 address what has happened in the past. With the years 0:20:54.200 --> 0:20:56.439 that have been wasted away on all of this fighting, 0:20:56.560 --> 0:20:59.200 I decided that I'd reach out one last final time 0:20:59.200 --> 0:21:01.960 to my sister and brother in law. I ran this 0:21:02.000 --> 0:21:04.359 by my mother in law to see if she felt 0:21:04.359 --> 0:21:06.320 it was worth trying, and to see if her and 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:09.240 my father in law could maybe help financially with paying 0:21:09.240 --> 0:21:11.679 for family counseling for the four of us to attend. 0:21:11.720 --> 0:21:13.879 If my brother and sister in law would be willing, 0:21:14.800 --> 0:21:17.800 I wrote them a very detailed, heartfelt letter about how 0:21:17.880 --> 0:21:20.640 we'd like to have a relationship with them, but we'd 0:21:20.680 --> 0:21:22.240 like to go to family counseling with them so we 0:21:22.240 --> 0:21:25.119 could get any issues resolved in a safe environment and 0:21:25.160 --> 0:21:29.720 to stop sweeping everything under the rug Sadly, my sister 0:21:29.760 --> 0:21:31.600 in law told me that they have a lot going 0:21:31.640 --> 0:21:34.320 on right now, so emotionally they are unable to read 0:21:34.320 --> 0:21:36.320 our letter at this time, but would like to focus 0:21:36.359 --> 0:21:39.080 on moving forward to create a fresh start in our 0:21:39.119 --> 0:21:43.800 relationship and embrace a positive future. I responded with, we 0:21:43.880 --> 0:21:46.639 are very understanding and we're open to come back to 0:21:46.680 --> 0:21:49.800 this once they're in a better spot emotionally, and I 0:21:49.840 --> 0:21:51.280 never got a response back. 0:21:56.800 --> 0:21:59.240 When people don't want to go to family therapy, you 0:21:59.280 --> 0:22:04.120 can still go to individual therapy. You bring your individual 0:22:04.240 --> 0:22:08.639 self to your family, so the things that you work 0:22:08.720 --> 0:22:14.960 on with your therapists are helpful in the family. Sometimes 0:22:15.000 --> 0:22:18.040 we think that going to family therapy is going to 0:22:18.200 --> 0:22:21.919 help us resolve an ongoing dispute, and that can be 0:22:22.000 --> 0:22:28.160 the case, but what's even bigger is us individually learning 0:22:28.359 --> 0:22:33.040 how to show up with other people, even outside our family. 0:22:33.359 --> 0:22:35.560