Speaker 1: Please note this episode speaks on abuse, both sexual and physical.
Speaker 1: Please be prepared for any potential triggers or sensitivities that
Speaker 1: may come up while listening. The practice to alleviate negative
Speaker 1: thoughts is to actually exercise the muscle of creating and
Speaker 1: focusing on positive thoughts. The human brain is actually a
Speaker 1: negative thought engine, like, we do better at thinking about
Speaker 1: negative things, holding on to negative things, processing negative things,
Speaker 1: so we actually have to work to counter that by
Speaker 1: noticing positive things. We have a tendency. If I say
Speaker 1: how is your day? Just to give you an example,
Speaker 1: what I mean when I say the human brain is
Speaker 1: a negative engine, we have a tendency. If I say
Speaker 1: how is your day? You think about did anything negative
Speaker 1: happen today? And if the answer to that question was no,
Speaker 1: then you're like, oh, it's a pretty good day. You
Speaker 1: have to be intentional about processing and thinking about positive things.
Speaker 1: You have to be intentional about thinking about your achievements,
Speaker 1: things you've accomplished, even small things. You have to be
Speaker 1: intentional about celebrating those things. You have to be intentional
Speaker 1: about giving verbiage to those things. An example of that
Speaker 1: in a relationship context is if you walked into a
Speaker 1: room and you saw your partner in there, and your
Speaker 1: partner looked really really angry or really really sad, or
Speaker 1: some negative emotion. We have a tendency to say, hey, partner,
Speaker 1: what's wrong. But on the flip side, if you walked
Speaker 1: into a room and your partner looked really really happy
Speaker 1: or really really satisfied or really really content, we don't
Speaker 1: have a tendency to say, hey, partner, what's right. So
Speaker 1: the best way to alleviate negative thoughts is to create
Speaker 1: habits around positive thoughts, both thinking about them and giving
Speaker 1: verbage to them. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host,
Speaker 1: Elliot Khani. What's been better since you listened to the
Speaker 1: previous episode? This is always an important question as it
Speaker 1: shifts what we notice to things that are progressing and
Speaker 1: more desirable as opposed to problems. Today is spent directly
Speaker 1: with Jay as she shares some impactful and sensitive information.
Speaker 1: There are times when you're working with a family clinically
Speaker 1: where it becomes appropriate to spend some time one on
Speaker 1: one with each member of the family. The reason why
Speaker 1: this is true is because a lot of times people
Speaker 1: have gone through some really sensitive things that may impact
Speaker 1: the dynamic amongst family members. This will oftentimes create anxiety, fear,
Speaker 1: and even make the psychotherapy space unsafe, So it's important
Speaker 1: for me as a clinician to always prioritize the safety
Speaker 1: of the dynamic of the family and of the therapy process.
Speaker 1: Once you are able to heal from some of those
Speaker 1: past wounds while talking to the therapists individually, then it
Speaker 1: becomes appropriate to reconvene as a family and continue moving forward. Therapy,
Speaker 1: when done well, will oftentimes bring up triggers past traumas, tragedies, struggles,
Speaker 1: and those things can sometimes have a negative impact on
Speaker 1: therapy itself or the dynamic amongst the family members. So
Speaker 1: oftentimes we meet with individuals to make sure we are
Speaker 1: taking care of those sensitive topics with the level of
Speaker 1: respect that they deserve. As often happens in therapy, Jay
Speaker 1: speaks about having blocks and how it's preventing her from
Speaker 1: moving forward and implementing the tools from the therapy. But despite that,
Speaker 1: change is still prevalent. Change is always happening. It is
Speaker 1: impossible to have the same day, same week, same month,
Speaker 1: over and over and over again. One of the strengths
Speaker 1: in therapy isn't so much about implementing the things that
Speaker 1: came from therapy exactly, but actually noticing change happening in
Speaker 1: your life and being able to pay extra special attention
Speaker 1: to the kind of changes that you're experiencing as desirable
Speaker 1: and giving yourself credit for those desirable changes. There's currently
Speaker 1: a block happening with Jay where she's almost beating herself
Speaker 1: up for not doing the things that came from therapy exactly, however,
Speaker 1: not noticing that there are changes happening around her that
Speaker 1: are positive and connected to who she is and what
Speaker 1: she's doing. The process of therapy is to help her
Speaker 1: notice those changes and give herself appropriate credit for them.
Speaker 1: Other than feeling under the weather, what's been better?
Speaker 2: Not much. I didn't have a great.
Speaker 1: Week, okay. What took place?
Speaker 2: I don't know? That is so much? What has taken
Speaker 2: place since? What's going to take place? So me and
Speaker 2: my partner is separating, and that's happening this weekend. The
Speaker 2: first property I bought, I'm in the process of selling it, okay,
Speaker 2: and I feel kind of down about that. So those
Speaker 2: two things together, I'm not in the best mood.
Speaker 1: M How have you managed.
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, I just you know, just keep moving forward.
Speaker 1: This obviously must be a difficult thing. How are you
Speaker 1: pleased with the way you showed up during these difficult times?
Speaker 2: M hmmm, I don't know. I just I just realize
Speaker 2: what needs to happen, and I'm trying to make these
Speaker 2: things happen. I don't know that I'm please, they're displeased.
Speaker 2: I'm just doing what needs to be done.
Speaker 1: Okay, So how are you hoping today's conversation could make
Speaker 1: a different for you?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What are your best hope from talking with me today?
Speaker 2: To be honest, I kind of feel like I'm not
Speaker 2: really sure what direction we're going in. Like I feel
Speaker 2: like our conversations are really positive, but I don't know
Speaker 2: if it's enough.
Speaker 1: Okay, what direction would be like the conversations are go in.
Speaker 2: I don't I'm Hi'm not a therapist, so I don't
Speaker 2: know what needs to happen or what or what would
Speaker 2: be best. But I guess I'm just wondering. I just
Speaker 2: wonder if it's enough, like if it's gonna get me,
Speaker 2: I guess in a better space by the time we'll finished.
Speaker 1: I got you. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I guess I would need your your feedback like, how
Speaker 1: would you know you were heading in a direction that
Speaker 1: worked for you and we're like in a better space,
Speaker 1: Like how would you know it was enough? You know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Like? What would you be experiencing that
Speaker 1: would tell you that?
Speaker 2: Well? I feel like you're give me good ideas and
Speaker 2: some tools, but I haven't really implemented them, and I
Speaker 2: don't know like they're good tools, but the block is
Speaker 2: still there as far as me applying them to my life.
Speaker 2: So I don't know, like how do I get past
Speaker 2: that block in order to use the tool that you're
Speaker 2: giving me?
Speaker 1: What are you experiencing that tells you there's a block?
Speaker 2: Because I think about what our discussions and I see
Speaker 2: like there's chances of opportunities for me to do the
Speaker 2: things that you talk about, but I don't do them.
Speaker 1: How come? What do you think the block is?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: How long have you been aware of the block? It's
Speaker 1: gonna be a weird question, but how do you know
Speaker 1: there's a block there?
Speaker 2: It's been a while years?
Speaker 1: Gosh, okay, And I'm gonna guess that you don't like
Speaker 1: this block, right, like you'd prefer this to be removed? Yeah, Okay,
Speaker 1: I gotta push you a little bit. What do you
Speaker 1: think is the cause of the block, Like, if you
Speaker 1: were to dig deep and really think about it, what
Speaker 1: do you think has caused the block?
Speaker 2: M Hm, I don't know. I guess it's like a
Speaker 2: self ware, self value kind of thing.
Speaker 1: Okay, mm hmm.
Speaker 2: At some point in life, I guess I just stopped
Speaker 2: believing that I was worth that effort.
Speaker 1: M That sounds hard.
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1: Do you know when that happened?
Speaker 2: I don't know that it's one situation. I think it's
Speaker 2: just like a multiple, like over the course of time.
Speaker 2: So I don't know. I mean, I don't know why
Speaker 2: I keep saying I don't know, but I do know.
Speaker 1: No, No, it's okay.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I just know. It's like one of those
Speaker 2: feelers that I tend to use. Is I don't know,
Speaker 2: but you kind of do.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: Yeah, uh, that's just situations over the course of a lifetime,
Speaker 2: situations like what I guess, Like, you know, dealing with
Speaker 2: abuse at a young age.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you a question about that?
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: When was the age you remember? Like you remember the
Speaker 1: abuse starting, don't?
Speaker 2: Are you eleven eleven twelve? Like that?
Speaker 1: How did you get through it.
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, mm hmm. How did I get through it?
Speaker 2: I mean I did have therapy counseling at some point
Speaker 2: to kind of deal with those feelings of being a
Speaker 2: victim or whatever. So I guess when I was going
Speaker 2: through it, I was just going through it, but I
Speaker 2: don't know that I really dealt with it at that time.
Speaker 2: But as I got older, I realized, you know, there's
Speaker 2: some things happening that, you know, maybe rooted in those experiences.
Speaker 2: So I went to therapy at that time.
Speaker 1: By the way, like I have to ask you some
Speaker 1: of these questions because it's my job, but if you
Speaker 1: don't want me to, you can just tell me that,
Speaker 1: you know, it's none of my business.
Speaker 2: It's fine, It's totally fine. That's what we're here for.
Speaker 1: How long did the abuse last?
Speaker 2: Well, lived with the abuser for a couple of years.
Speaker 2: I don't remember exactly. How long was he family or no,
Speaker 2: my mom's ex boyfriend.
Speaker 1: Was he ever held accountable? No? Does your mom know
Speaker 1: that this happened?
Speaker 2: Yeah, she does. But because he wasn't just like sexually abusive,
Speaker 2: but he also was a very violent person, So it
Speaker 2: wasn't just that experience. It was him also you know,
Speaker 2: hitting and punching, choking, whatever he felt like to.
Speaker 1: Wow, was it just you or any of your other
Speaker 1: siblings targets.
Speaker 2: They did experience?
Speaker 1: Gotcha? And then you said something really powerful a minute ago,
Speaker 1: and you said, like, while it was happening, you don't
Speaker 1: know that you dealt with it, right m hm? And
Speaker 1: then at some point later you realized that some of
Speaker 1: the things that were happening in your life maybe because
Speaker 1: of that. Right did I hear that?
Speaker 2: M hm?
Speaker 1: When did you realize that?
Speaker 2: When I was in undergrad college?
Speaker 1: What was your clue? How did you How did you
Speaker 1: know at that age set like.
Speaker 2: Some of the stating someone and he wanted to break
Speaker 2: up and I didn't want him to and I hit
Speaker 2: him and I realized that wasn't me, and I didn't
Speaker 2: want to be that person. But I knew, like you know,
Speaker 2: some of the things that I experienced what was making
Speaker 2: me violent at that point. So that was kind of
Speaker 2: the first clue.
Speaker 1: What did you do about it? When you realize like
Speaker 1: I'm being violent and I don't want to be, or
Speaker 1: I got this trait and I don't want to have it,
Speaker 1: What did you do about it?
Speaker 2: I went to therapy. They had like free therapy on campus,
Speaker 2: so I went.
Speaker 1: Did you find it useful?
Speaker 2: It was useful. I don't know that I I probably
Speaker 2: could have kept going for a longer period of time,
Speaker 2: but I went for several sessions and I found that
Speaker 2: it was helpful.
Speaker 1: What was the therapist doing that you found helpful or
Speaker 1: what came of it that you found helpful?
Speaker 2: I guess, you know, she was just connecting some of
Speaker 2: the dots for me with my childhood and the things
Speaker 2: that I was doing, and as not minded, it was
Speaker 2: like this is like over twenty years ago, but right
Speaker 2: she you know, she just kind of gave me a
Speaker 2: space to talk through some of those things that I
Speaker 2: was dealing with at that time.
Speaker 1: Gotcha, did you feel after that like you could live
Speaker 1: a life in the way you wanted to or were
Speaker 1: you still kind of held back by those experiences?
Speaker 2: I felt, I mean I felt at that time that
Speaker 2: you know, I was moven in the right direction. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I felt I felt that the councilman was helpful.
Speaker 1: And yeah, how did you know back then that you
Speaker 1: were moving in the right direction? So you knew there
Speaker 1: was a problem because and I think the way you
Speaker 1: were said that that wasn't me, and you addressed the
Speaker 1: problem of going to counseling, and you got the opportunity
Speaker 1: to like speak and talk through it. And then you
Speaker 1: said I was in the right direction. How did you
Speaker 1: know you were going in the right direction.
Speaker 2: Because I was making better choices as far as relationships
Speaker 2: went after that.
Speaker 1: How did you know they were good choices?
Speaker 2: Because I felt that there wasn't like if something happened,
Speaker 2: I wasn't letting the anger get the best of me.
Speaker 2: I wasn't letting you know what someone was doing trouble
Speaker 2: me so much?
Speaker 1: Can I tell you why I'm a counselor have I
Speaker 1: ever told you this?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Do you remember what I said?
Speaker 2: It is that you had a difficult childhood and you
Speaker 2: wanted to help people figure things out the way you
Speaker 2: figure things out for yourself. It's something along his lines.
Speaker 2: Everybody said a little bit bit more eloquently.
Speaker 1: No, No, that was perfectly eloquent. That's what I said.
Speaker 1: But I don't think I was specific. My father was
Speaker 1: very abusive, and when people ask me for how long,
Speaker 1: I say from the formation of my memory tw when
Speaker 1: I was nineteen, So I don't remember a time in
Speaker 1: between there where there was an abuse in my home.
Speaker 1: And the reason I'm telling you this is because you've
Speaker 1: now done something really incredible, because I know personally firsthand
Speaker 1: how hard it is to go through those experiences. And
Speaker 1: then I had anger issues too in my you know,
Speaker 1: teenage years and early twenties. And you're saying I started
Speaker 1: making good decisions and when when like difficult things happened,
Speaker 1: I didn't let them bother me. How did you do that?
Speaker 2: I guess it's just the mindsetshift of like taking ownership
Speaker 2: and accountability for your actions, and that's it. You know,
Speaker 2: you can't really control what anybody else does, right, you know,
Speaker 2: just can't point the finger, you know, like, this is
Speaker 2: my life and I'm with a enjoy it and make
Speaker 2: the best out of it, and I'm not gonna let
Speaker 2: what other people are doing compromise my experience. Not to
Speaker 2: say I didn't get angry after that. I'm sure you're healing,
Speaker 2: but I think at that age I started to kind
Speaker 2: of shift my mindset.
Speaker 1: Okay, now you said to me today like, I'm not
Speaker 1: sure this is gonna be enough, and I'm not sure
Speaker 1: it's going in the right direction. If your mindset shifted again,
Speaker 1: how would you notice it? Like if your mindset shifted
Speaker 1: now to make you like I'm responsible for my own actions.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna enjoy my life. I'm gonna make decisions I
Speaker 1: can be pleased with. How would you notice it if
Speaker 1: that same kind of a mind shift happen now? How
Speaker 1: would you be aware of it?
Speaker 2: Mm hmm. I mean, I guess I'd be implementing some
Speaker 2: of the things to talk about and taking a little
Speaker 2: bit better care of myself.
Speaker 1: Okay, and taking better care of yourself. How like? What
Speaker 1: what things would you notice yourself doing that would feel
Speaker 1: to you like you were taking better care of yourself?
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: Exercising, praying, it's like the it's like the working out
Speaker 1: we were talking about.
Speaker 2: Before, Yeah, working out, praying more, being more present, some
Speaker 2: of those Aboucin eighty that we talked about, things like.
Speaker 1: That, Yeah, what would you pray for? You said praying?
Speaker 1: I don't think i've ever heard you say that. What
Speaker 1: would you what would you pray about?
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, what's that?
Speaker 1: It's okay? Is it okay that I asked that? Mm
Speaker 1: hmm okay.
Speaker 2: I guess I would pray to be to live my
Speaker 2: fullest best life mm hmmm. That I would want to
Speaker 2: be person that when God looks at my life, he says,
Speaker 2: I gave you all these talents, I gave you all
Speaker 2: these blessings and you used them and I'm proud of you.
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, Jalen. Who how would you impact your
Speaker 1: life to be saying a prayer like that?
Speaker 2: Mhm, man, I will hope that it would encourage me
Speaker 2: to live that type.
Speaker 1: Of life, right, And how would impact your life to
Speaker 1: know that the like God was proud of you for
Speaker 1: using the talents and blessings the way He intended you
Speaker 1: to use them.
Speaker 2: I mean, that would be beautiful. That would be a
Speaker 2: great thing.
Speaker 1: Have you Have you always been a person that that
Speaker 1: praise throughout your life?
Speaker 2: Yes? But I don't work. I guess I'm just working
Speaker 2: on trying to find my own words in prayer because
Speaker 2: sometimes I pray, you know, like the Lord's Prayer or
Speaker 2: Psalm switting three and things like that. But I would
Speaker 2: like to become a I would like to use words
Speaker 2: that I connect with that I feel are empowering. And
Speaker 2: I mean, obviously, you know, Lord's Prayer is an excellent
Speaker 2: prayer and that's what God gave us. But I also
Speaker 2: want to be able to pray over myself and my
Speaker 2: family with the words that I choose on my own.
Speaker 1: Gotcha, how long have you had that desire?
Speaker 2: It's been a while. I mean, I feel like I
Speaker 2: do it. But it's so funny, Like there's are so
Speaker 2: many things in this world I guess you could be
Speaker 2: jealous of. But there's this girl that I've known for
Speaker 2: a very long time, and we always end up kind
Speaker 2: of going to the same churches, not as girls. She
Speaker 2: ain't no girl, She's grown woman. She can pray her
Speaker 2: butt off like she be praying, and I'm like, whatever
Speaker 2: she's praying for is gonna happen. She know how to pray.
Speaker 1: I am. I am a whole forty seven years old.
Speaker 1: I've heard people jealous of other people's house, money, card.
Speaker 1: I've never in my life heard anybody jealous about somebody
Speaker 1: else praise.
Speaker 2: Let me tell you you heard her pray and be like,
Speaker 2: I won't pray like.
Speaker 1: That too, Okay. So I've got to ask you, though,
Speaker 1: what what is she doing when she prays that makes
Speaker 1: you say whatever she's praying for is gonna happen. What
Speaker 1: is she doing that makes you think.
Speaker 2: She just so passionate? And the words that she chooses,
Speaker 2: they're just like they're just so powerful. It's like, I
Speaker 2: don't know, she just seems like she's choosing all the
Speaker 2: right words and she just really truly believes and what
Speaker 2: she's and it's beautiful.
Speaker 1: Does she know that you think this about the way
Speaker 1: she praise me? You just kind of are you just jealous?
Speaker 1: In silence watching?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I never told her.
Speaker 1: Okay, maybe do you consider her a friend or is
Speaker 1: it just somebody you just kind of see in passing.
Speaker 2: She's kind of like, I mean, like we don't talk
Speaker 2: on the phone or anything like that. But I've known
Speaker 2: her for a very long time, very long.
Speaker 1: Gotcha? And what about you? Where'd you learn how to pray? Who?
Speaker 1: Who taught you that this was really important?
Speaker 2: Oh? My grandmother actually talked me to the Lord's prayer
Speaker 2: when I was very young, so I've known it for
Speaker 2: a long time. And then I went to a Catholic
Speaker 2: high school, so as I learned a little bit there,
Speaker 2: and I used to go to church with my aunt
Speaker 2: and only way because I wanted to hang out with
Speaker 2: my cousin. But I guess I picked up a little
Speaker 2: bit along the way while I was at church too.
Speaker 1: Were you close to your grandma.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm, not really my grandmother. I think when I
Speaker 2: think about the things in my life, like I said,
Speaker 2: there's been multiple things that I think have chipped away
Speaker 2: at myself worth, my self value, and I would say
Speaker 2: she kind of has done a little bit of that.
Speaker 1: One of those things. Huh.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she definitely contributed in her own way. I don't
Speaker 2: know if she's.
Speaker 1: Well.
Speaker 2: I think she has some mental health issues. I would
Speaker 2: say she's probably bipolar and just never been diagnosed. But
Speaker 2: she is a woman that can build you up, and
Speaker 2: she is a woman that can tear you down.
Speaker 1: But she's the one who introd introduced you to prayer, yes,
Speaker 1: and specifically taught you the Lord's Prayer?
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: Would you mind sharing the Lord's Prayer real quick? Can
Speaker 1: I hear it?
Speaker 2: Seriously?
Speaker 1: Yeah? You know?
Speaker 2: Oh my god. My son knows it too. His father
Speaker 2: taught it to him and he sounds so cute when
Speaker 2: he says it. I'm not gonna probably sound as cute
Speaker 2: as he does, but I'll share it. Our Father, who
Speaker 2: are in heaven, ill will be thy name, the Kingdom
Speaker 2: come and will be done on earth as it doesn't Heaven,
Speaker 2: give us this day our daily prayer, and forgive us
Speaker 2: how TransPasses, as we forget those who transpass against us.
Speaker 2: Lead it's not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Speaker 2: For thou or the kingdom, the power in the glory
Speaker 2: forever or never came in.
Speaker 1: Wow, you you do know it? That's that's that's lying. No, No,
Speaker 1: I wanted to see if you could make me jealous
Speaker 1: with the way you pray. No, I'm just kidding. No,
Speaker 1: I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2: That's funny.
Speaker 1: How often do you say that prayer?
Speaker 2: Pretty often because we say it with our kid at night.
Speaker 2: So it's not my favorite prayer, though, to be honest.
Speaker 1: With you, it's your favorite.
Speaker 2: It's not. I think it's important, but I think there's
Speaker 2: other prayers in the Bible that I connect more with.
Speaker 1: Right, I won't make you say another one. But what what?
Speaker 1: What would you say is your favorite prayer?
Speaker 2: Oh? Son swety three?
Speaker 1: How do you know when God is answering your prayer?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, He's been answering my prayer all my life?
Speaker 1: How do you know that? That's an interesting answer. He's
Speaker 1: been He's been answering my prayers all my life. How
Speaker 1: do you know that.
Speaker 2: Because I'm here. I'm here like I've had too many
Speaker 2: things happen that could have went so different, and I
Speaker 2: know that somebody protecting me, and I want to say
Speaker 2: it to him, you know, I do think, you know,
Speaker 2: the ancestors have a part in that too, But I
Speaker 2: definitely feel like it's definitely been things that could have
Speaker 2: been a whole lot worse and it weren't. And even
Speaker 2: the things that were bad, I feel like I've been
Speaker 2: able to still maintain some type of hope, some type
Speaker 2: of instanity. So so I would say, you know, it's
Speaker 2: been present.
Speaker 1: What happens to you when you remind yourself of that
Speaker 1: that even in the bad moments, somebody must be protecting me.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's a it's a it's a good thing
Speaker 2: to know. It makes me feel like I could do anything.
Speaker 1: I've had some really bad things happen to me, and sometimes,
Speaker 1: if I'm being totally honest, sometimes I feel like like
Speaker 1: a victim mentality, like why that happened to me? Like
Speaker 1: I just want to be a regular person, and it
Speaker 1: felt like I was getting challenges that people around me
Speaker 1: weren't getting right. Does that resonate with you?
Speaker 2: Yes? Yes, absolutely, And.
Speaker 1: Then you just said something that really touched me. And
Speaker 1: you said, like I asked you, how do you know
Speaker 1: when your prayers be an answered? You said, they're always
Speaker 1: be an answer because everything I've been through, the fact
Speaker 1: that I'm here, somebody must be watching over me, like
Speaker 1: you did say that, right, m Yeah, And it really
Speaker 1: touched me when you said that, Like I could feel
Speaker 1: myself getting emotional because when I think about, even in
Speaker 1: my darkest moments, I'm still being and protected. And then
Speaker 1: a word I'm going to introduce that you didn't say,
Speaker 1: but I just want to share this with you, and
Speaker 1: then you respond, I'm also being prepared for something.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 1: When I remind myself of that, it makes me feel
Speaker 1: more resilient and more hopeful when I'm When I'm not
Speaker 1: as in contact with that thought, it's easier to sink down.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
Speaker 2: Mm hm.
Speaker 1: So that's why I wanted to know from you, Like
Speaker 1: when you remind yourself even in my dark, difficult moments,
Speaker 1: I'm still being covered and protected. What happens to you
Speaker 1: when you remember that?
Speaker 2: I mean, I want to say that it encourages me,
Speaker 2: and it inspires me, and it makes me want to
Speaker 2: go out and just live my best life. But honestly,
Speaker 2: that's not where I am right now. Okay, I think
Speaker 2: in the past has made me feel that way, but
Speaker 2: right now I just feel like I do know those things,
Speaker 2: and I do I believe they're important and but I
Speaker 2: guess that's why I started crying when you asked me about,
Speaker 2: you know, the prayer that I said that I wi't
Speaker 2: want God to be proud of me because I don't
Speaker 2: know how to navigate this space that I'm in. So
Speaker 2: I'm just like you do you do? You know? You
Speaker 2: do have talents and you have been blessed, but you're
Speaker 2: still not over these thoughts feelings. So that bothers me
Speaker 2: because I don't want to be like this.
Speaker 1: How would you rather be?
Speaker 2: Still working on that? What? That? What that looks like?
Speaker 2: I just know I don't want this, but I'm still
Speaker 2: trying to figure out what. You know, what is it
Speaker 2: that I really really really want?
Speaker 1: What do you think God wants for you?
Speaker 2: I think he wants me to not worry when he
Speaker 2: wants me to YEA, he told us he has a
Speaker 2: plan for our life, right it is a good plan,
Speaker 2: So I think he wants us to people want me
Speaker 2: to believe in that and not worry about just kind
Speaker 2: of let things just kind of don't let it go.
Speaker 2: But he stops stressing and over stuff. I'll stress it
Speaker 2: over the future.
Speaker 1: How what difference would it make in your life if
Speaker 1: you replaced belief in the plan even if you don't
Speaker 1: understand the plan. But if you replace belief in the
Speaker 1: plan with that fear and worry that you currently have,
Speaker 1: how would that make a difference in your life?
Speaker 2: Yes, I would be just a little less stress, a
Speaker 2: little less stress, a little more lighthearted, a little more
Speaker 2: I don't know. I mean, when you live off of
Speaker 2: faith and belief, you don't you don't have to worry, right,
Speaker 2: you don't have to because you believe that everything's going
Speaker 2: to work out. And I do believe that. I do
Speaker 2: believe that, But I still be stressed out because I'm
Speaker 2: trying to I'm trying to do I'm trying to do something.
Speaker 2: You know, I'm trying to. I want to. I want
Speaker 2: to be happy, and I want to be healthy, and
Speaker 2: I want to be someone that my children look up to.
Speaker 2: And I also want to make sure that they're in
Speaker 2: a different position financially that than we were when we
Speaker 2: were younger. So I'm trying. I'm really trying to work
Speaker 2: on something here, and but sometimes it's just really hard
Speaker 2: for me to not get stressed over that because I
Speaker 2: feel like my time is is limited. Like I'm in
Speaker 2: my forties. There's a lot of shit that I need
Speaker 2: to get done, you know, and I'm I feel like
Speaker 2: I've wasted a lot of time with my current relationship,
Speaker 2: and I just I feel like now I gotta like
Speaker 2: go faster and go harder because I've wasted time with
Speaker 2: this guy, and I don't I don't know, like these
Speaker 2: are serious things that I feel like I need to do,
Speaker 2: and it's hard for me sometimes to just be like chill,
Speaker 2: like everything's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1: What do you think God wants you to do with
Speaker 1: that thought? Because I if you and I wonder what
Speaker 1: you think about this, But like if I trust and
Speaker 1: believe in the plan, then that means there's no such
Speaker 1: thing as wasted time because everything we did was a
Speaker 1: part of the plans. That makes sense.
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1: So how do you imagine God would want you to
Speaker 1: think about these things? Because I don't imagine he'd want
Speaker 1: you to think you were wasting your time, and you
Speaker 1: got to hurry up and make up for it. Like
Speaker 1: if it's if it's all part of the plan, there's
Speaker 1: no waste of time, right.
Speaker 2: But are my bad decisions part of the plan?
Speaker 1: I would say yes, m.
Speaker 2: Well, I guess I need to sit with that a
Speaker 2: little bit, you know.
Speaker 1: And can I tell you why I would say yes,
Speaker 1: mm hmm, Because in those bad decisions, do you remember
Speaker 1: early when I said I'm going to introduce a word
Speaker 1: you didn't say, and I use the word prepare mm hmm.
Speaker 1: In those bad decisions are lessons that you get to
Speaker 1: apply further down the road. And I've made so many
Speaker 1: bad decisions I didn't want to tell you, but it all.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I've made a bad decision and then later on
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, that's why I needed that lesson.
Speaker 1: Like at the time I made the bad decision, I
Speaker 1: was frustrated, I was disappointed in myself sometimes ashamed and embarrassed,
Speaker 1: And then down the road, I would literally be like,
Speaker 1: oh that's why I needed that lesson, And it turned
Speaker 1: out it wasn't a bad decision. It was just part
Speaker 1: of the overall plan, you know, right. So I was
Speaker 1: wondering what happened when you when you start thinking about
Speaker 1: those things in that context, I don't think. I don't
Speaker 1: think God wants us to worry and stress.
Speaker 2: He doesn't, he tells us. He tells us specifically that
Speaker 2: he doesn't want us to Okay, he tells us right there,
Speaker 2: it's like, who have you both? Worrying can add one
Speaker 2: single moment to your life or one day to your life.
Speaker 2: It tells us, like I take care of the birds,
Speaker 2: I take care of grass in the field. Why wouldn't
Speaker 2: I take care of you?
Speaker 1: You know, even hearing you said that, like it did
Speaker 1: something to me. What was it like for you to
Speaker 1: say that, because I can tell you what it was
Speaker 1: like for me to even hear it.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's dope. It's like, yo, you know you
Speaker 2: know you're taking care of you know that no matter
Speaker 2: what you go through, you know, the Higher Power is
Speaker 2: concerned about you, and it's concerned about your well being.
Speaker 2: And that's no matter what you go through, right, And
Speaker 2: no matter how insignificant you think you are, you're not
Speaker 2: You're not insignificant.
Speaker 1: No, No, I'm so grateful that I got to sit
Speaker 1: here with you today and hear you say that I
Speaker 1: took care of the birds and the grass. What makes
Speaker 1: you think I wouldn't take care of you? Huh? How
Speaker 1: often do you read the Bible?
Speaker 2: I don't, actually, which is why I probably jacked up
Speaker 2: that verse.
Speaker 1: But but I used to. I didn't expect you to
Speaker 1: say that. Maybe you say that. Okay, so we just
Speaker 1: have a couple of minutes left. What if what if
Speaker 1: Jade getting on the right path and taking care of
Speaker 1: herself isn't about like exercise. What if it's about prayer?
Speaker 1: What if it's about the Bible? What if it's about
Speaker 1: reminding yourself that God is with you and taking care
Speaker 1: of you even in the hard moments. What if we
Speaker 1: were what if we were just missing the boat altogether.
Speaker 1: Maybe it has nothing to do with worldly things, and
Speaker 1: maybe it has everything to do with spiritual things. I'm
Speaker 1: just curious. I'm just you know, wondering.
Speaker 2: I think it's both. I think, you know, the spiritual
Speaker 2: part is very important, right, But if I'm not taking
Speaker 2: care of myself. This is this body that God gave me.
Speaker 2: It was the only home I'm ever going to have
Speaker 2: it right here, right If I'm not taking care of that,
Speaker 2: I mean, that's I just feel like they both kind
Speaker 2: of serve their purpose.
Speaker 1: I completely agree with you, But I guess my point
Speaker 1: would be, or my wonderment would be, what if the
Speaker 1: spiritual taking care of Jay leads to the physical taking
Speaker 1: care of Jay? Right right, It's possible, because it's very different.
Speaker 1: I mean, even the way you worded that, it's very different.
Speaker 1: If someone would say, hey, Jay, wake up tomorrow and exercise,
Speaker 1: that's very different than hey, j wake up and take
Speaker 1: care of the body God gave you. Those are two
Speaker 1: very different things. Yeah, you know what I mean. But
Speaker 1: I noticed in our comment, like something happens to you
Speaker 1: when you remember that you're being taken care of, like
Speaker 1: something I could. There's an energy like a charisma and
Speaker 1: a smile and like something that something happens to you.
Speaker 1: I don't know describe it, and I think it's wonderful.
Speaker 1: I think it's beautiful. I think it's amazing this thing
Speaker 1: that happens when you sit in that space for a minute.
Speaker 1: Because I've never heard you describe your body in that way,
Speaker 1: like this is the body God gave me. Now you
Speaker 1: have talked about I need to move more and the basement,
Speaker 1: but you've never described your body as the only thing
Speaker 1: you're ever going to like you're only home, and that's
Speaker 1: a very different experience. So I just wonder, can we
Speaker 1: just spend some time between now and the next time
Speaker 1: we meet of you, like engaging in the spiritual part
Speaker 1: of your journey and seeing what that does to your experience,
Speaker 1: Because I believe, very very passionately, even the bad things
Speaker 1: that happen and the hard things that happen and the
Speaker 1: challenges we face are part of the experience, and they're
Speaker 1: part of the journey and there to prepare us for
Speaker 1: something or to teach us something or to and there
Speaker 1: is no such thing as wasted time because it was
Speaker 1: all part of the journey, right, Yeah, Can we would
Speaker 1: that be okay? Can we just measure success between now
Speaker 1: and the next time we talk by how you think
Speaker 1: about your experience spiritually and we'll let that lead to
Speaker 1: the physical manifestation of exercising and you know all the
Speaker 1: other things.
Speaker 2: I will work on that over the next week, and.
Speaker 1: The next time I talk to you, I'm going to
Speaker 1: ask you. I want to know. I want to know
Speaker 1: about your prayers, and I want to know about your
Speaker 1: relationship with Christ, and I want to know I want
Speaker 1: to know how you're perceiving your experiences when you start
Speaker 1: remembering that everything that happens is for the purposes of
Speaker 1: the journey. It's all a part of the plan. And
Speaker 1: I and I can't tell you how many times something
Speaker 1: really bad has happened that I did not understand. And
Speaker 1: sometimes it's my fault. I made a stupid, silly decision.
Speaker 1: Da da da, And then a little while later I
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, that's why that thing had to happen.
Speaker 1: So now I don't frint over whether it's a good
Speaker 1: experience or a bad experience. I just accept it's all
Speaker 1: part of the plank.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm trying to get to that that way of thinking.
Speaker 1: Well, that's exactly what we asked you the next time
Speaker 1: we talk.
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, thank you.
Speaker 1: For Jay and people like Jay. Growth is a challenge,
Speaker 1: or probably more specifically, a better way to say that is,
Speaker 1: recognizing your growth is a challenge. When you've had pain, trauma, abandonment, struggles, abuse,
Speaker 1: tragedy in your past, you have a tendency to be
Speaker 1: far more aware of your flaws than you are your talents.
Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever met a person more deserving
Speaker 1: of having her strengths recognized than Jay. The woman is
Speaker 1: incredibly ambitious, incredibly talented, incredibly educated and accomplished, but yet
Speaker 1: because of her past experiences, she has a tendency to
Speaker 1: only notice her flaws and failures when she looks at herself.
Speaker 1: True growth is recognizing the strength in the overcoming rather
Speaker 1: than paying too much attention to the struggles themselves. That
Speaker 1: is the block that Jay is experiencing, and I suspect
Speaker 1: the block that many people experience in their pursuit of progress.
Speaker 1: What I want Jay to recognize and so many others
Speaker 1: is when you start noticing and giving yourself credit for
Speaker 1: your progress in spite of challenges, you actually feel even
Speaker 1: better because now you start celebrating not only did I
Speaker 1: accomplish something, but I accomplish something while there was an
Speaker 1: obstacle present. That is the tool, that is the challenge,
Speaker 1: That is the task that I want all people, including Jay,
Speaker 1: to recognize, because once you're able to do that, your
Speaker 1: self esteem, your progress, your growth, and your mental health
Speaker 1: will all get better. I think a victim mentality is
Speaker 1: a real thing, but I think people talking about it
Speaker 1: and pointing it out is so absent of compassion. If
Speaker 1: I've had a childhood where there wasn't a lot of
Speaker 1: cheerleading going on, and there wasn't a lot of support
Speaker 1: around me, and it seemed like I was experiencing an overfrequent,
Speaker 1: like an overly frequent amount of pay and struggle. You
Speaker 1: start feeling like life is happening to you instead of
Speaker 1: for you, And I think of victim mentality is believing
Speaker 1: that I don't really have a lot of control over
Speaker 1: what happens to me. But here's the important thing I
Speaker 1: want everybody to hear. There are justifiable reasons for people
Speaker 1: to believe that. Because if at a very very young age,
Speaker 1: when you don't have a lot of control over your circumstances,
Speaker 1: it seemed like you were getting hit with life struggle
Speaker 1: after life's struggle, then it makes sense that you grow
Speaker 1: up thinking life is happening to me instead of for me.
Speaker 1: On the contrary, if you grew up with a lot
Speaker 1: of praise and support and warmth and love, you develop
Speaker 1: the ability to a think positively of yourself and b
Speaker 1: find opportunities as you navigate through life. But there is
Speaker 1: a large amount of people that at very important developmental stages,
Speaker 1: every time they turned around there was trauma, tragedy, abuse,
Speaker 1: and struggle. How can we possibly anticipate that that person
Speaker 1: would grow up with an internal locus of control. How
Speaker 1: could we possibly expect that person to grow up believing
Speaker 1: that they can just do things, that they could just
Speaker 1: create things, that they could just make life what they
Speaker 1: want it to be. So that is where the victim
Speaker 1: mentality usually comes from, an overexposure to pain and trauma
Speaker 1: during very key developmental stages in life, specifically in childhood.
Speaker 1: So what we have to do is help people to
Speaker 1: overcome that and realize regardless of your past, regardless of
Speaker 1: your circumstances, life can still be whatever it is you
Speaker 1: make it. You can still create a future that you
Speaker 1: would be pleased to have. You just have to get
Speaker 1: into a space where you are healed from what happened
Speaker 1: to you in the past, and then you'll be able
Speaker 1: to see opportunity even in your struggle. I think in
Speaker 1: this session we paid a lot of attention to and
Speaker 1: focused a lot on faith and God and those sorts
Speaker 1: of things. Because that's a reference point in Jay's life.
Speaker 1: It might not be a reference point in everyone's life,
Speaker 1: and that's okay. I think the reason why is because
Speaker 1: therapy needing to be about change. We have to talk
Speaker 1: about the things in people's lives that they use to
Speaker 1: drive them towards change. For some people, it's faith and
Speaker 1: it's God, and it's a desire to live in congruence
Speaker 1: to your spiritual beliefs. In other people, it might be
Speaker 1: what your grandmother believes about you, or it might be
Speaker 1: the thing that drives you most is proving people who
Speaker 1: have doubted you wrong or proving people who believed in
Speaker 1: you right. It doesn't really matter, Like I don't want
Speaker 1: people to get hung up on The technique in this
Speaker 1: session was to focus on God. That's not true. The
Speaker 1: technique in this session was to focus on the things
Speaker 1: that are strong levers towards change. And in one person
Speaker 1: it might be living a life of faith and living
Speaker 1: congruent to your spiritual beliefs, and in another person, it
Speaker 1: might be working as hard as you possibly can to
Speaker 1: prove somebody who believes in you right. So if you
Speaker 1: don't resonate with a religious or spiritual message, that is
Speaker 1: perfectly okay. Just think about what are the things that
Speaker 1: are the strongest drives towards your change in your life life.
Speaker 1: This is not just a podcast that I want you
Speaker 1: to consume and be entertained by I actually want you
Speaker 1: to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this,
Speaker 1: and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by
Speaker 1: the content we consume. What I would like for you
Speaker 1: to do is come on this healing journey with us.
Speaker 1: Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And
Speaker 1: the way to do that is to just pay attention
Speaker 1: to the things going on in your life as a
Speaker 1: consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things
Speaker 1: in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay
Speaker 1: attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention
Speaker 1: to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength.
Speaker 1: And let us know in the comments what you're noticing
Speaker 1: in your life as a result of listening to this
Speaker 1: podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things.
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
Speaker 1: your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,
Speaker 1: connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you
Speaker 1: can also send me a text message to nine seven
Speaker 1: two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy
Speaker 1: is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network.
Speaker 1: Special Thanks to our assistant Glendelle Sepe. It's produced by
Speaker 1: jac Quise Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S Bisham.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
Speaker 1: content presented on The Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for
Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
Speaker 1: not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
Speaker 1: specific concerns or questions you may have.