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Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional Professional. Hey,

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from

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Speaker 1: the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear

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Speaker 1: interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will

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Speaker 1: enlightened and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear

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Speaker 1: someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child.

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Speaker 1: subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five star reviews only. Hold

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Speaker 1: me Down, Don't hold me Up. Merch is now available

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Speaker 1: on the site as well as my book list, so

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Speaker 1: please make sure you visit the link in the show

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Speaker 1: notes below. You can connect with the kid on Instagram

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Speaker 1: at the Professional home Girl and at the PhD podcast.

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Speaker 1: If you are on Twitter, please follow me at the

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Speaker 1: PhD podcast now. If you are all caught up with episode,

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Speaker 1: Forward slash the PSD podcast now. Please keep in mind

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Speaker 1: that all of my guests are annas. So let's again

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Speaker 1: this week's episode. So I am super excited about this

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Speaker 1: week's guest. She is an author motivational speaker, Word Now,

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Speaker 1: Fitness Expert, award winning bodybuilder, powerlifter, and certified nutrition expert.

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Speaker 1: She is the owner of the Women's Health and Fitness Center,

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Speaker 1: which is a gym where luxury and everyday prices meet.

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Speaker 1: She gave a powerful talk to Ted Talks and last

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Speaker 1: but not least, she is a recovery cocaine addict and

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Speaker 1: today marks twenty eight years that she's been clean. So

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Speaker 1: how are you feeling? I am so excited and because

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Speaker 1: I got the opportunity to spend my evening with you,

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Speaker 1: it made today worth it and believe it or not,

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Speaker 1: for the first time, I like got butterflies, and I've

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Speaker 1: been doing this forever right oh before you know what,

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Speaker 1: because God brought me to this day to do this

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Speaker 1: with you. Yeah, your story is amazing. Man. I read

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Speaker 1: your but not man because you are a woman of

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Speaker 1: a certain age and I have to be respectful. But

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Speaker 1: I read your book and like, um in like two hours,

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Speaker 1: and it almost brought me to tears because I'm just

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Speaker 1: like wow, Like I mean, I believe in God, but

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Speaker 1: God would really show up and really show out for people,

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Speaker 1: So I thought it was like it's one of those

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Speaker 1: things like, I see what you do for others, guy,

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Speaker 1: and it was just an amazing story. Well, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to write the book. I never wanted

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Speaker 1: to do a book because for me, I never thought

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Speaker 1: anybody wanted to hear what I had gone through. And

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Speaker 1: my sister and a dear friend of mine kept saying,

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Speaker 1: you know, you need to tell your story. And when

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Speaker 1: I started writing the book, what happened was God came

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Speaker 1: through and became very uh therapeutic. And the funny about

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Speaker 1: it everything that I could only do it in my car,

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Speaker 1: I mean everything. I tried uh doing it in the

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Speaker 1: house and he would only let me record it recorded

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Speaker 1: driving down the freeway and then I would get in

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Speaker 1: my garage right and start talking and I'm just crying

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Speaker 1: because I'm you know, I'm reliving all this. And that

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Speaker 1: was the part that was the hardest because I had

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Speaker 1: to take myself all the way back. I had to

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Speaker 1: acknowledge everything again and then I had to walk through

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Speaker 1: it with dignity and grace. M h. It was plans

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Speaker 1: for today, like what are you? Where are you doing?

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Speaker 1: To celebrate twenty eight years of being cleaned, I trained

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Speaker 1: my clients. I watched them grow and I came home

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Speaker 1: to be with you. Okay, I felt because you know,

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Speaker 1: I kept thinking about it and if I wanted to

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Speaker 1: do something. But when you're a trainer, and it's not

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Speaker 1: just a trainer, this is your passion, your ministry, and

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Speaker 1: you see women of all nationalities. I've got a lady

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Speaker 1: from Turkey and she's in full garb, and then I

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Speaker 1: have a lady that was Caucasian at just come in

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Speaker 1: and her lunch break. When I watched all these women

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Speaker 1: and they're laughing and working out, that was my gift today.

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Speaker 1: M hm, that was my gift. So I'm good. Well

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Speaker 1: I can I can feel your energy. So how long

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Speaker 1: were you addicted to cocaine? I started hanging out with

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Speaker 1: a particular crowd and getting high when I was about

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Speaker 1: twenty nineteen or twenty. You were so young, girl, tell

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Speaker 1: me again, I w you were like so young really,

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Speaker 1: and you know, and not let me say this. Nobody

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Speaker 1: forced me. You know, I am the only addict in

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Speaker 1: my family. You know, my siblings. My dad drank, you know,

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Speaker 1: but it wasn't no big deal. But there's no nobody

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Speaker 1: beat me and my family. I got a whooping like

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Speaker 1: everybody else, and so this disease that I have, which

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Speaker 1: is dis ease, which means I had a disease in

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Speaker 1: my spirit. So had it not been cocaine, I was

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Speaker 1: gonna be addicted to something because I have an addictive personality.

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Speaker 1: M hm. And so when I started hanging out with

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Speaker 1: a particular crowd, I was nosy that that's where my started.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to hang out with big money hates. I'm

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Speaker 1: like going on when I don't need to be around,

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Speaker 1: you know. But it was never a forced thing. And

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Speaker 1: I like to put that out there, and I think

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Speaker 1: I put that in the book because us people need

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Speaker 1: to know. I didn't come from a family of addicts.

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Speaker 1: I didn't come from being battered and abused by God's

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Speaker 1: grace and mercy. You know. I wasn't adopted in yah

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Speaker 1: yah yah, which is the story of some people, right,

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Speaker 1: but it was right, that wasn't my story. I was

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Speaker 1: just nosy and got caught up. Was it hard for

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Speaker 1: you to stay clean all of these years? No? Believe it?

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Speaker 1: And it wasn't. When I surrender six three uh and

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Speaker 1: and and in the book I talked about how how

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Speaker 1: to this day I wonder how embarrassed it was from

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Speaker 1: my oldest sister. And see, my mom died when I

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Speaker 1: was fifty one, all right, so my oldest sister became mom, right,

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Speaker 1: And so you know, they kind of knew, but they

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Speaker 1: didn't know. And I my disease took me from St.

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Speaker 1: Louis to Houston, and I called myself wanting to telling.

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Speaker 1: The line was I'm moving to Texas to be with

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Speaker 1: my sister. Reality was, I stole this guy's two keys

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Speaker 1: of dope. But who wait before we get into that,

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Speaker 1: because I want to ask you, because I was like, wait,

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Speaker 1: who who did you steal from? Was a big bang tank? No, no, See,

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Speaker 1: he never knew that I started dibbling and dabbling in

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Speaker 1: other areas. He didn't know that. Had he known that,

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Speaker 1: the people I was dibbling and dabbling with would have

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Speaker 1: been in a in a pine box somewhere. So I

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Speaker 1: started because you gotta remember, by this time, my disease

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Speaker 1: was in full effect m h. And so I started

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Speaker 1: sneaking in other areas, not wanting him to know how

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Speaker 1: bad my disease was, because had he known, he would

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Speaker 1: have corrected it. M H. See he has stopped all that.

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Speaker 1: M hm. Ahead, I'm excited, Go ahead, Girl's ahead. So

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Speaker 1: during your addiction, what would you say was the one

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Speaker 1: thing you learned about yourself? Because I feel like when

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Speaker 1: I was reading your book, there was like a lot

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Speaker 1: of A ha moments, Girl, I had so many of them. Um.

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Speaker 1: During my addiction, I learned that disease, uh, disease of

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Speaker 1: addiction was real. I learned how powerful uh the devil

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Speaker 1: is when you don't keep your eye on what you

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Speaker 1: knew growing up, right. And I also learned that even

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Speaker 1: though I was in that place, that was not me

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Speaker 1: mm hmm. And the one thing I know that I

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Speaker 1: learned that that had to happen for me to be

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Speaker 1: and do what I'm doing to day, it had to

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Speaker 1: happen mm hmm. And I feel like God always had

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Speaker 1: to have his hand on you, if that makes sense.

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Speaker 1: By Felicia, You know he never left. You know in

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Speaker 1: the book I talked about when my mom died, I

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Speaker 1: was high as three kites, right, and at the funeral,

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Speaker 1: you know, the the overflow in older churches, they had

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Speaker 1: that little overflow if no deal in town came and

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Speaker 1: they were in the overflow. And it wasn't until I

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Speaker 1: got clean that I had to confess to my family

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Speaker 1: that I didn't know where mama was buried. Now and

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Speaker 1: you're talking about a hit that I had to tell

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Speaker 1: my big sister. Uh. I think I know, but I

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Speaker 1: really don't know. And she got a bus uh and

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Speaker 1: we all went up in the country and and that

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Speaker 1: was probably the most embarrassing thing. But the flip side

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Speaker 1: of that is that my mom never said a word

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Speaker 1: about me being around this particular person because everybody in

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Speaker 1: town knew, like the city of St. Louis knew. Don't

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Speaker 1: mess what they called me shorty, don't mess with her,

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Speaker 1: don't match that. You know that so and so was woman,

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Speaker 1: Don't do that. He never opened her mouth because I

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Speaker 1: know that. When I was is born, God said to

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Speaker 1: my mama, this one right here gonna be crazy for

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Speaker 1: a while. I'm gonna have to use this with for

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Speaker 1: a while. But fear not, she's gonna be okay. But

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to let her crawl for a while

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Speaker 1: because she's gonna be able to help somebody else. I

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Speaker 1: know that. I know that because she never said a word. Never.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm. What about your dad, Well, when I was

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Speaker 1: in that place, he didn't know exactly, but the guy

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Speaker 1: that I was around was so well known because he

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Speaker 1: worked for General Motors, big position besides being us right,

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Speaker 1: and I'm walking around with you know, four went to

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Speaker 1: jewelry on and this and that. He never said anything.

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Speaker 1: But one day he said to me and he said,

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Speaker 1: hard times are coming. Mm hmm, which met you running

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Speaker 1: around hurt, all this money, all that's going on that

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Speaker 1: we don't talk about. He said, hard times to coming.

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Speaker 1: That's all he said to me. I remember that, like

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Speaker 1: it was yesterday. And what did your think? Looked at him, like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: not for me. I got I got money and dope

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Speaker 1: in my walls. I'm good, right. But I loved that

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Speaker 1: because when I was reading your sisters um, because you

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Speaker 1: have every pretty much every person in your family write

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Speaker 1: a letter to you in the book, and I was

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Speaker 1: reading with your sisters were saying about you, and it

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Speaker 1: was like you was that girl. Oh I was that girl.

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Speaker 1: I was TV stuff, right, I mean my life put

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Speaker 1: it like this. When I got cleaned, my sister came

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Speaker 1: down and I was a treatment at that time, and

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Speaker 1: she took me shopping and we were going to buy

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Speaker 1: underclothes and she said, what side you were? I said,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, I remember that what you're talking about.

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Speaker 1: I said, I've never at my own clothes, actually, like

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Speaker 1: what the hell hit? So especially, all I had to

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Speaker 1: say is I want a blue dress. And when I

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Speaker 1: came home, there was twenty blue dresses hanging around the house.

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Speaker 1: You know. When I got to meet Coke, she gotta

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Speaker 1: meet Coke. So I didn't know. There was a lot

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Speaker 1: I did not know. So when I got clean at two,

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Speaker 1: life began for me. That's when I started living because

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Speaker 1: you know, and I'm gonna say this too, I would

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Speaker 1: do everything I did over again. M h. People go,

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Speaker 1: you're crazy, No, because that's my journey, that's my story.

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Speaker 1: She can't take a person's story from them. Everybody has

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Speaker 1: the right, whether it's good, bad, or in different, to

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Speaker 1: have their story. And and and so God made that

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Speaker 1: my story, even me wrapping my body with dope, getting

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Speaker 1: on the plane like I owned the plane, get into

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Speaker 1: get into Detroit. I can't Detroit because the gown bring

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Speaker 1: it to They're trying to kill him. So I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I'm about of him, you know, I'm like, I ne

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Speaker 1: to go. So it is what it is. Take me

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Speaker 1: to our airport. That's how my life works. I was

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Speaker 1: watching a documentary on how drugs affected our community, which

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Speaker 1: is like evident. And it was one particular segment when

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Speaker 1: they said that, um, they were talking about women, especially

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Speaker 1: Black women, and they were saying how drugs affected black

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Speaker 1: women worse than men. Do you agree with that? Absolutely?

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Speaker 1: Because it tears us up from the inside out, and

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Speaker 1: I mean organs and everything, and then it affects your

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Speaker 1: skin and it it affects uh, your thinking process. And

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Speaker 1: you know, I don't know why he saved me and

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Speaker 1: turned me around and put me in the position I'm in.

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Speaker 1: I believe that it because of the love and family

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Speaker 1: that I had. Now you need to get this one.

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Speaker 1: Everybody that gets clean don't don't have that support. It

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Speaker 1: makes getting clean harder. But I was really really blessed.

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Speaker 1: And then when I decided on that day, or my

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Speaker 1: sister decided for me, I always say, uh that I

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Speaker 1: was done. I have not used. I've had uninterrupted recovery

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Speaker 1: and I went back to school. And I always, like

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Speaker 1: you said, God had his hand on me during my

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Speaker 1: addiction and after my you know, my active addiction, because

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Speaker 1: I'm an addict until they put dirt on me. M hm.

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Speaker 1: I will tell you when I introduced myself high and

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Speaker 1: I'm a great ful recoming at it. I've had people

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Speaker 1: to say to me, oh, you shouldn't say that. No,

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Speaker 1: you don't know how to go right. You see, because

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Speaker 1: when I decide to quick call of my self an

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Speaker 1: attic in the back of my mind, I'm cured. I'm

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Speaker 1: never cured. My disease is just arrested. Mm hmm. See.

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Speaker 1: I can wake up tomorrow and ebony say something to

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Speaker 1: me that I can't get over and and my disease

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Speaker 1: think it would say, well, I know how to fix this.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna go get hat. I don't care if it's

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Speaker 1: been two years, two months, or twenty eight years. Trust me,

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Speaker 1: an attic know how to find some drools m hm.

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Speaker 1: So I have to keep myself in up in a

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Speaker 1: place around like minded people, and I gotta keep going

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Speaker 1: to meetings. And I've tried to date people that were

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Speaker 1: not in the Fellowship of North Cogs Anonymous are in

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Speaker 1: a living a clean lifestyle that don't work m h

250
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Speaker 1: Because if I'm over your house and you start drinking

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Speaker 1: and smoking cigars and all the other foolishness, I'm like, well,

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Speaker 1: what the world? And I have girlfriends that I will

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Speaker 1: go on vacation with or where I'm out somewhere. We're

254
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Speaker 1: eating dinner and I decided to order a virgin Dakirie.

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Speaker 1: Everybody reaches their hand across the table, fee, let me

256
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Speaker 1: taste that first, m right. Or my niece to be

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Speaker 1: having a party right to this day. She's got a

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Speaker 1: party in August and she's like, Nanana, you come early

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Speaker 1: so you can go home. I'm like, I'm staying for

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Speaker 1: the party. She's like, no, they're gonna be drinking too hard.

261
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Speaker 1: You need to be gone. And this is what twenty

262
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Speaker 1: eight years. But I think that's good because you made

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Speaker 1: a good point where a lot of people don't have

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Speaker 1: that support system. And I think that plays into the

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Speaker 1: misconceptions about a drug abuse because it's not easy to quit. No,

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Speaker 1: it's not. It's not. It has You have to surrender,

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Speaker 1: you've got to work the twelve steps. You have to

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Speaker 1: get a sponsor, you not, You have to tend meetings,

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Speaker 1: you have to know your limitations. You know, I out,

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Speaker 1: like I said, I'll go somewhere, and a lot of

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Speaker 1: people can say, oh, five minutes, we're gonna be a

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Speaker 1: father here. Yeah, I'm gone, I'm here all night. Fault

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Speaker 1: mm hmm. Was that hard for you to share certain things?

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Speaker 1: A lot? Girl? I ain't got no secrets. I just

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Speaker 1: told you I'm a dope thing. How how can I

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Speaker 1: hold any secrets? Killed? Right? First of all secrets killed?

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Speaker 1: And for somebody like me to not tell it all?

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Speaker 1: And and I'm working on a second book and be

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Speaker 1: out soon because it the journey continues, and the more

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Speaker 1: clean time I get, the more distractions of the enemy

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Speaker 1: come m hm. And so for a person like me,

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Speaker 1: it could be so small. And this just happened to

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Speaker 1: where there's a new church that moved in at the

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Speaker 1: end of our building while or my gym, and on

285
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Speaker 1: Sundays they take up all the parking spaces. There's no

286
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Speaker 1: word for me to part my these. Oh, because you

287
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:08,760
Speaker 1: know snooky was what they call me? Said, Oh, I

288
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,359
Speaker 1: didn't go down here and tell them. Don't they know

289
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Speaker 1: who I am? Right? What are you rolling like that?

290
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Speaker 1: But the other side of me said, who goes sit

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Speaker 1: down somewhere? My god, it is one of the older

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Speaker 1: ladies that I've been training for a long time, said,

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Speaker 1: and her name is miss Less, miss Linda, missfeed. Don't

294
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:34,320
Speaker 1: worry about that guy, gonna fix it. I said your show, right,

295
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,840
Speaker 1: because I'm ready to go down here and cut up

296
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Speaker 1: like I used to, which here is clean. So just

297
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Speaker 1: because I'm clean does not mean that my behavior cannot

298
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Speaker 1: get out of control sometimes, so I have to keep

299
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Speaker 1: myself in check. Seven. I got to check myself every day.

300
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Speaker 1: Do I need to make a meend to somebody? Did

301
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Speaker 1: I do or say something to harm somebody else? Did

302
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:04,359
Speaker 1: I uplift another sister today? At the end of my

303
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,080
Speaker 1: day everything, I have to check myself because I may

304
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:10,080
Speaker 1: need to call and apologize to you, not for you,

305
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,119
Speaker 1: but for me, because I wanted because I want to

306
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Speaker 1: stay clean mm hmm. And if I don't do what

307
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Speaker 1: I'm supposed to do, then my disease is gonna start

308
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:26,840
Speaker 1: rumbling mm hmmm. So that's how it works. And your

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00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,000
Speaker 1: book you mentioned that you wanted attention badly, So where

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00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,760
Speaker 1: do you think that's them? From looking back at it,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I think because I was the fourth

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Speaker 1: girl and all of my sisters were smart. They're they're amazing,

313
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Speaker 1: they're smart, and they were always doing something. And I

314
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:53,119
Speaker 1: never thought I was pretty, and I always felt like

315
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:57,480
Speaker 1: an outcast even though I know I was not. That's

316
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:01,719
Speaker 1: how I know I had a disease mind, I think, right.

317
00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:04,400
Speaker 1: And then when I started hanging out with this particular

318
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Speaker 1: group of people and he was he was the stuff.

319
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,720
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh shoot, I'm in there. And so I

320
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:16,560
Speaker 1: just and and I really love this person. To this day,

321
00:20:17,119 --> 00:20:22,480
Speaker 1: I'll be sitting down and I'll miss his spirit. I

322
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:28,760
Speaker 1: will I will miss how he treated me. My niece

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00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:33,480
Speaker 1: said to me the other day, Nana, you still look

324
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:39,800
Speaker 1: for somebody to be him? Really and this man, I said,

325
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Speaker 1: I've been twenty twenty eight years, I've been away from

326
00:20:42,119 --> 00:20:48,040
Speaker 1: home thirty something. He's been deceased for being maybe, but

327
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:55,879
Speaker 1: my spirit appreciates this is weird. I appreciate what he

328
00:20:56,080 --> 00:21:00,680
Speaker 1: taught me. He never again, This isn't a worse things

329
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:05,119
Speaker 1: because if he had known he had a hearted, he

330
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,440
Speaker 1: would have just flipped. He never knew I was that bad.

331
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Speaker 1: And and when he when I came here every month,

332
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,159
Speaker 1: he was sending for me to come back, and I

333
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,320
Speaker 1: finally had to say, I can't come back you no more.

334
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:20,520
Speaker 1: I can't do this no more. But I will miss

335
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:25,120
Speaker 1: his spirit and the laughter and this because it wasn't

336
00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:27,600
Speaker 1: all bad. Even though I was with somebody that I

337
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,760
Speaker 1: shouldn't have been because he was older, he was married

338
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:34,760
Speaker 1: at all. But his way of talking and treating me,

339
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,920
Speaker 1: and I have to say this, I've said this to

340
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,080
Speaker 1: a many of people. I've never had that before, never

341
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:44,080
Speaker 1: had it again. Do you think he was like a

342
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:50,359
Speaker 1: father fantasy? And now he was ChRI But he was

343
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:55,600
Speaker 1: my friend. He was We would laugh and laugh, and

344
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,200
Speaker 1: you know, he always wanted to show me, make sure

345
00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:01,880
Speaker 1: that I had nicer things in life because of course

346
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:05,240
Speaker 1: she's affoid that and everything else. And you know, he

347
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:08,760
Speaker 1: taught me about traveling and this and that, and he

348
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:13,840
Speaker 1: was just my friend. He was just my friend. And

349
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,600
Speaker 1: and I know he loved me to the court even

350
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:21,840
Speaker 1: though it was wrong. M hmm. But I know that.

351
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:27,440
Speaker 1: And my recovery, the way I run my business and

352
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,800
Speaker 1: do my life, it's the same way he taught me

353
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:35,040
Speaker 1: how sale drugs. Mm hmm. I flipped it around and said,

354
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,119
Speaker 1: now what Joshua said, Okay, that's what I'm gonna do.

355
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,920
Speaker 1: And I did it the way he taught me everything,

356
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:46,359
Speaker 1: the way I lived my life. He was bold, and

357
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:50,800
Speaker 1: he he had tenacity and wasn't afraid and and if

358
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,000
Speaker 1: it didn't work, oh and we'll do something else, and

359
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:57,680
Speaker 1: I've done that. I've had Uh. I'm a paralegal by trade,

360
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,920
Speaker 1: and I had one of the biggest credit repair BIS.

361
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,960
Speaker 1: This is when I got out of para legal school.

362
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:07,560
Speaker 1: The attorneys helped me, and I haven't I've had traditional jobs,

363
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:11,720
Speaker 1: but I have been doing my own thing for so long.

364
00:23:13,119 --> 00:23:15,520
Speaker 1: You know, I am the health and wellness manager now

365
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,720
Speaker 1: for Legacy Community Health Services for the last ten years,

366
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:21,320
Speaker 1: besides running my business. So you have to be a

367
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:25,520
Speaker 1: jack of all trades. You you have to know how

368
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:31,160
Speaker 1: to juggle well when you're selling dope. Baby. Well wait

369
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,359
Speaker 1: because I feel like we're jump in ahead, so go

370
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,560
Speaker 1: ahead and listener. She's talking about big bank Hank and

371
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:42,119
Speaker 1: this looks yes the person who introduced you to cocaine? Yes, now,

372
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:48,440
Speaker 1: how did that happen? So they were all snarter snorter cocaine,

373
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:53,440
Speaker 1: and uh, I was like, let me try, and so

374
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,760
Speaker 1: I did. And it was plentiful and everybody had it.

375
00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,520
Speaker 1: And if anything, if everything came in the but I

376
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,840
Speaker 1: didn't like Embony, I would put it down in Embony's

377
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:09,119
Speaker 1: wine and white. You at a food Yeah, okay, I

378
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:16,320
Speaker 1: know how to get her. And what happened was alone

379
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:20,040
Speaker 1: the way he and I separated. I can't remember the

380
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:23,480
Speaker 1: how that happened. For a year or so, maybe not

381
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:29,280
Speaker 1: that long. And I started messing with a gentleman that

382
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,480
Speaker 1: was on the police force, who was with back then

383
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,520
Speaker 1: was one of the jump out boys. And I never

384
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:36,879
Speaker 1: put it. I don't even think I put this in

385
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:40,600
Speaker 1: the book. You didn't, uh, I feel like a book

386
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:42,560
Speaker 1: I was putting stuff. Again. I'm like, you know, I'm

387
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,080
Speaker 1: just gonna talk to her because I feel like certain

388
00:24:44,119 --> 00:24:49,040
Speaker 1: things out yeah you know, yeah, like some of the

389
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:51,680
Speaker 1: professional ball players. Yeah, I had to put out. Yeah,

390
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,359
Speaker 1: we don't get to that. So anyway, and I started

391
00:24:56,440 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 1: messing with this guy and I remember, just like it's yesterday,

392
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,480
Speaker 1: that he took the over to a friend to his

393
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:08,800
Speaker 1: house whose father was a congressman, if I'm not mistaken

394
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:12,840
Speaker 1: or something, and they were smoking cocaine. Back then, it

395
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:17,240
Speaker 1: was like really cook it yourself, rocket up, put it

396
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,680
Speaker 1: on the thing, and it was a casual And I

397
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,840
Speaker 1: didn't put this in there. It was a casual, oh,

398
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,080
Speaker 1: sitting around, Okay, here you go, here you go. But

399
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,200
Speaker 1: in the day, it was like a fun drug. It

400
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,160
Speaker 1: was when they first started smoking dope with the pretty

401
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,360
Speaker 1: pipes and all this old foolishness. Right. Well, that foolishness

402
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:42,480
Speaker 1: was foolishness because this boy ended up being heavily addicted,

403
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:47,240
Speaker 1: right and and I that's how my disease of smoking

404
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,520
Speaker 1: dope came about. And I never shared that because I'm

405
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,440
Speaker 1: not mad at him either, trust me, love him to

406
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:54,280
Speaker 1: this day. He's clean, he's doing well. I just never

407
00:25:54,400 --> 00:26:00,320
Speaker 1: shared that. Uh, And that's how my disease really of all.

408
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:04,960
Speaker 1: Had I not started smoking with this boy, I don't

409
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,320
Speaker 1: know if my disease had would have gone to that level.

410
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,320
Speaker 1: And so we did that back and forth for a

411
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,720
Speaker 1: very long time. And I remember, and I don't know

412
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,359
Speaker 1: if this was in the book, I was driving to

413
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:22,040
Speaker 1: my I quit messing with big money. Hey, I actually

414
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,760
Speaker 1: left town and came back. And I was driving down

415
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,680
Speaker 1: the street about two o'clock in the morning, going to

416
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,520
Speaker 1: my new apartment that he could didn't know anything about.

417
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:38,400
Speaker 1: And he saw me and blocked my car and pulled

418
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:41,119
Speaker 1: the pistol on me. He said, I would kill you

419
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,119
Speaker 1: in the streets because I love you that much. I

420
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,439
Speaker 1: don't know what's going on, but I'll kill you first.

421
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,359
Speaker 1: He said. It's because he had a rule thing that

422
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,920
Speaker 1: he didn't want you doing any of the hard drugs. No,

423
00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:54,280
Speaker 1: because one time we were at the house and they

424
00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:57,320
Speaker 1: were doing Lord, I'm giving you all the story. They

425
00:26:57,359 --> 00:27:02,200
Speaker 1: were buttons. They were doing buttons with her on button

426
00:27:02,359 --> 00:27:04,240
Speaker 1: is they take all they take a tile and all

427
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,680
Speaker 1: or whatever it is a capsule, take all that out

428
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:11,200
Speaker 1: and put heroin, heroin in the in the capsule. They're

429
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:17,320
Speaker 1: they're called buttons, right, do that Heroine gets in your

430
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:22,479
Speaker 1: hands in the air. And so one time and one

431
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,320
Speaker 1: time we were going over here and they were doing

432
00:27:24,359 --> 00:27:25,800
Speaker 1: these buttons, and he was like, don't you come down

433
00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:27,720
Speaker 1: these steps? Don't you come because they had glives and

434
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,119
Speaker 1: do you ever come down these steps like that? He's like,

435
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:32,800
Speaker 1: I will hurt you. I will kill you if I

436
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,199
Speaker 1: find out you're doing anything. If I find out anything

437
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:39,680
Speaker 1: you dad, which I would be in. But that day

438
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:43,040
Speaker 1: he caught me on the street and he made me

439
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:46,560
Speaker 1: he said let's go where you staying there? And that

440
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:49,480
Speaker 1: we were up getting her all night, talking about what

441
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 1: the hell or shooting? What's going on? Right? What? What?

442
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:56,920
Speaker 1: What is really going on? And I felt in my

443
00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:01,479
Speaker 1: brain I was getting away from him and his drugs.

444
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:03,760
Speaker 1: But what it did was took me in another direction

445
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:10,560
Speaker 1: he's got just you know, my disease just went crazy.

446
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:13,920
Speaker 1: It just went all the way down. And then that's

447
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:16,240
Speaker 1: when I called myself. I took this guy's dope because

448
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:18,640
Speaker 1: he asked me to hold it form Josh, he didn't

449
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,520
Speaker 1: know anything about that. At my apartment, girl, I sold

450
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:28,359
Speaker 1: that dope and used the risk when I throw paint

451
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:31,520
Speaker 1: on your door, you did, he threw paint on my door.

452
00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:36,680
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I'm out now. So the lot was

453
00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:38,680
Speaker 1: I'm going to stay with my sister in Houston. But

454
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,120
Speaker 1: the other truth was I had to go. I had

455
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,800
Speaker 1: to get out, and I came here. And but that

456
00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:45,800
Speaker 1: doesn't mean a thing, because wherever you go, your disease

457
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,840
Speaker 1: goes with you. Do you think that if you would

458
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:52,720
Speaker 1: have started selling before your addiction, things would have been different. Well,

459
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:56,040
Speaker 1: I did sell. I was always a seller. M see,

460
00:28:56,040 --> 00:29:00,320
Speaker 1: I started out. I was always selling with him. And

461
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:03,360
Speaker 1: that was the other thing. People like his friends on

462
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:07,440
Speaker 1: diamond minds and you know why his brother worked up

463
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:10,960
Speaker 1: in Jefferson City and the where they melted gold and

464
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:16,560
Speaker 1: all this end. Uh if he left ten thousand dollars

465
00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:19,440
Speaker 1: worth the drugs at the house and at say, for instance,

466
00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,360
Speaker 1: I went out of town to visit Ebity. When I

467
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:26,800
Speaker 1: got back, whatever he sold, he gave me half I sold.

468
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:28,720
Speaker 1: I gave him a half. And I can remember being

469
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,200
Speaker 1: at the club one night and the guy, a guy

470
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:36,040
Speaker 1: called me a beat, a beat, the B word, and

471
00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:40,160
Speaker 1: it looked like everybody scattered, right, looks like, hey, we

472
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 1: got up because he's like, man, I wouldn't get at

473
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:46,960
Speaker 1: be I wouldn't and he just looked at him. He

474
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:51,680
Speaker 1: just looked at him. Everybody else scattered. I never saw

475
00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:56,040
Speaker 1: that guy again. I never saw him. I never saw

476
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:58,920
Speaker 1: him again. And then one time I was going to

477
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:03,680
Speaker 1: Illinois to party. You know, does everybody go across the

478
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 1: water to the party. And I went and these two

479
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,480
Speaker 1: guys are gonna rob me. And the guy looked at

480
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,120
Speaker 1: me and said, that's a little mc clinton woman. Man,

481
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:16,960
Speaker 1: I'm out. Problems got out. Well, of course I was

482
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:19,440
Speaker 1: not supposed to go there, because he, you know, like,

483
00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:21,280
Speaker 1: don't you be going over there at night? Don't you

484
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:24,080
Speaker 1: you know, called some one so baking? But I call.

485
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:25,880
Speaker 1: I said, I'm gonna go hang out with everybody else.

486
00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:29,600
Speaker 1: And I told him what happened, and they found the

487
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,200
Speaker 1: two guys in a base from rat at Adam All,

488
00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:36,160
Speaker 1: Oh wow, yeah, so it was real crazy. I had

489
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:39,120
Speaker 1: a crazy life. Yeah, you had a lot of lies.

490
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:44,000
Speaker 1: I'm still working on what're you talking about? What? So

491
00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:45,640
Speaker 1: do you think because I know you said that you

492
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:49,080
Speaker 1: felt like um big bank Tank had a grip on

493
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,600
Speaker 1: his drug addiction. But do you think he really had

494
00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,600
Speaker 1: a grip on it? Oh baby, let me tell you something.

495
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:56,040
Speaker 1: He could stop to day and never do it m m.

496
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:59,400
Speaker 1: And as a matter of fact, he did. He was

497
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:05,120
Speaker 1: only a smarter He never post than anything harder and

498
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:10,000
Speaker 1: I we weren't really drinkers and he drinks some fine coolers.

499
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,560
Speaker 1: He was never a drinker, which is really ironic. And

500
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 1: he would stop because we would stop selling drugs right

501
00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:21,160
Speaker 1: when the grand jury, if anybody knows about how the

502
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:24,280
Speaker 1: law works, to drink. Grand jury comes in every September.

503
00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:29,320
Speaker 1: That's when indictments are handed down. We stopped selling drugs

504
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:34,800
Speaker 1: in June to fly under the radar. He stopped selling,

505
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:40,280
Speaker 1: he stopped using. Well, I never stopped using. I just

506
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:44,240
Speaker 1: called me body or stopped body, And I was like, right,

507
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 1: so and and he could do that and not think

508
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:52,760
Speaker 1: anything about it about it. So that's when I say

509
00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:56,920
Speaker 1: people have addictive personalities. We addicted to drugs, people are children,

510
00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:03,880
Speaker 1: are vehicles, sex, god so like, but church everything. But

511
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:06,239
Speaker 1: I agree with you. That's why I don't. I mean,

512
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:08,240
Speaker 1: I drink every now and then, but I don't like

513
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:10,440
Speaker 1: to indulge in other things because my mom is an

514
00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 1: alcoholic when she was an alcoholic, and my father is

515
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 1: addicted to drugs. So I knew it. Yes, I knew

516
00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:19,160
Speaker 1: at a very young age that my bloodline is very addictive.

517
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,840
Speaker 1: And I didn't want to go cars very and you

518
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:26,280
Speaker 1: have to know that, you really and and sometimes I behavior.

519
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:30,920
Speaker 1: We have such addictive thinking, yes, the way we act

520
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:34,800
Speaker 1: and everything, and so I'm really in tune with who

521
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:38,920
Speaker 1: I am. I'm woman too, with I can go from

522
00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:42,600
Speaker 1: zero to a hundred. Yeah, I just need to let

523
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:44,479
Speaker 1: you know ahead of time, Babe, I might go from

524
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,160
Speaker 1: zero to a hundred on you, so just be aware.

525
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:51,400
Speaker 1: But I'm not ashamed of any of these things we're

526
00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:55,120
Speaker 1: talking about. That's why I can be transparent. That's why

527
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:57,840
Speaker 1: I don't. It doesn't bother me to laugh and talk

528
00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:02,720
Speaker 1: about it because that is who I am. If I

529
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:07,240
Speaker 1: did not talk about my disease so freely, I can't

530
00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:10,680
Speaker 1: keep it. I have to give away just what was

531
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:14,880
Speaker 1: given to me. M that is my recovery and my

532
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:20,280
Speaker 1: information about addiction. Well, I just love your transparency. When

533
00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:23,720
Speaker 1: when I was reading your book, he was like, you

534
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:28,400
Speaker 1: can snore a person under the table and they're up

535
00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:31,120
Speaker 1: under the table. Mam, you hear me. I was like,

536
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:35,560
Speaker 1: let's do this. So in one way, is that the

537
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,200
Speaker 1: drugs affect your affect you as a woman, because I

538
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:41,000
Speaker 1: know you said that you don't have a sense of smell. No,

539
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:43,280
Speaker 1: I don't have a sense of smell. That is probably

540
00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:48,160
Speaker 1: the biggest thing. And uh, my cycle stopped at thirty eight. Yeah.

541
00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 1: When I read that, I was like, wait, yeah, yeah,

542
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:53,640
Speaker 1: my cycle stopped at thirty eight. I started menopause at

543
00:33:53,680 --> 00:34:00,920
Speaker 1: thirty eight. I probably ended menopause. Who late fartish like that. Yeah,

544
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 1: I haven't had a hittor directed me. I haven't had this,

545
00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:09,160
Speaker 1: you know, none of that stuff. So I know for

546
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:14,080
Speaker 1: sure that affected my female organs. I've got one son.

547
00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:16,880
Speaker 1: You know, I chose not to have any more children. Um,

548
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:21,359
Speaker 1: but I know that's why my cycle stopped at thirty eight.

549
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:26,200
Speaker 1: You ay, like right now, people say, ohfie, smell this girl.

550
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:32,799
Speaker 1: I can't smell that. Yeah, And then you know, um,

551
00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:37,680
Speaker 1: I'm color blind, very bad, very bad colorflind because I

552
00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:39,719
Speaker 1: don't think I'm matching. Girl like it outside and go

553
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:48,399
Speaker 1: oh lord, so my. But you know, when I think

554
00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:53,960
Speaker 1: about other people that are my age, I'll be sixty

555
00:34:54,000 --> 00:35:01,120
Speaker 1: in February, February one, February four, my birthday February. Girl,

556
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:07,839
Speaker 1: that's why I'm like you, okay, yeah, And I think

557
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:11,239
Speaker 1: about other people and how they look and how they

558
00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:15,640
Speaker 1: how they move, and you look good, girl, don't you

559
00:35:17,239 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 1: look good? Like for the listeners, she looks amazing like

560
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:25,359
Speaker 1: she they're they're looking at my age. She looks good. Oh,

561
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 1: and you know, I M I always talk about My

562
00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:34,160
Speaker 1: best friend's name is John. We call him Jay's name

563
00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:37,920
Speaker 1: of John Mitchell. And so I was about thirty seven,

564
00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:42,399
Speaker 1: thirty six, I had two at this I had two

565
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:45,919
Speaker 1: years clean, I think. And I started working out with him,

566
00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:49,600
Speaker 1: and uh, somebody said, O, don't go see J And

567
00:35:49,680 --> 00:35:52,239
Speaker 1: I started working out with him and and and he

568
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:55,239
Speaker 1: and I tell everybody I'll recovery. I don't do foolishness.

569
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:57,800
Speaker 1: I don't don't give me no pre workout because I

570
00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 1: ain't gonna be climbing the walls, you know, and to

571
00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:03,120
Speaker 1: this day here and are still best friends. He's the

572
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:05,919
Speaker 1: one who he's my trainer because I'm gonna do another

573
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,759
Speaker 1: body driving the show. He's always been my trainer, he's

574
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:11,640
Speaker 1: always been my confidant. But he was the one who

575
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:13,600
Speaker 1: taught me how to take care of my body and said,

576
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:17,520
Speaker 1: you can't take no, no drugs, so many policy it

577
00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:20,319
Speaker 1: is what it is that's in your hand. He said,

578
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:22,400
Speaker 1: all that foods, this is in your hand. Get you

579
00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:25,719
Speaker 1: a fan, you'll be okay. Right, So I got two

580
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:29,200
Speaker 1: or three fans, and and he changed my eating and

581
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 1: he what he did was he trained changed how I

582
00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:37,640
Speaker 1: looked at my body. Uh. And for women, our strength

583
00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:40,920
Speaker 1: comes in different areas. For me, mine is truly physical

584
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:43,359
Speaker 1: because I can and this is not to brag votes

585
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:45,520
Speaker 1: but I can lift heavier than a lot of men.

586
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:50,719
Speaker 1: And that's my choice because it working out for me

587
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:57,120
Speaker 1: gives me this uh sense of accomplishment. It tells me

588
00:36:57,320 --> 00:37:01,160
Speaker 1: that no matter what, that hasn't failed me. And I'm

589
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:04,239
Speaker 1: not gonna fail God. Right, So when I do a

590
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:07,879
Speaker 1: bodybuilding show, I make a commitment to God and it's

591
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,520
Speaker 1: our covenant that if you pull me through this, I'm

592
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:13,080
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna stay in the right place m hm.

593
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:18,160
Speaker 1: Because what we do reframing for particular foods for months

594
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:22,120
Speaker 1: at a time, it's just like faster m hm. You know.

595
00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:26,239
Speaker 1: And so my body to me is as symboled to

596
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,279
Speaker 1: other women, is that you gotta take all that you

597
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:34,719
Speaker 1: can change where you are at any moment. Right. You

598
00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:38,960
Speaker 1: don't have to stay stuck in whatever situation or whatever,

599
00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:44,320
Speaker 1: because working out is my body and spirit. It goes together.

600
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,880
Speaker 1: So I gotta be the right had space to do

601
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:51,320
Speaker 1: what I need to do. So I keep loud what's

602
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:55,319
Speaker 1: going on around me to affect me to the point

603
00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:57,120
Speaker 1: where I want to go to the gym. And I'm

604
00:37:57,160 --> 00:37:59,399
Speaker 1: eating bong bongs all night. Baby, I can't be fat,

605
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:04,840
Speaker 1: I'm too I try right. I did not know you

606
00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:08,440
Speaker 1: look like you look really good at me sick, you

607
00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,800
Speaker 1: look a certain way, but you just look like you

608
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:14,719
Speaker 1: look young like and you look like revived, like you've

609
00:38:14,719 --> 00:38:20,680
Speaker 1: got a lot of energy. Because yeah, clean girl, Yeah

610
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:25,040
Speaker 1: now that's really doge, that's really good. I would just

611
00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:30,480
Speaker 1: say drugs factor your family did. This might sound real crazy,

612
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:36,120
Speaker 1: but I think my disease brought us closer mm hm.

613
00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:38,719
Speaker 1: I feel like that too. In the book, I really do.

614
00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:41,120
Speaker 1: Now we're just like everybody else. We fuss and they're

615
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,640
Speaker 1: one just to madge the other somebody managed this person

616
00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:46,000
Speaker 1: and my niece to But at the end of the day,

617
00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:49,200
Speaker 1: we're gonna write a die. And when I got cleaned,

618
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:54,000
Speaker 1: they rallied. They rallied. In the book, I talked about

619
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:56,320
Speaker 1: one of my socials who came to town. I'm in

620
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:59,879
Speaker 1: a treatment to a girl and she comes. This girl

621
00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:03,719
Speaker 1: come and asked the man what kind of degree he

622
00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:08,239
Speaker 1: had to take care of me? Cost? What kind of

623
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:11,160
Speaker 1: where you going to school? What kind of degree you guys?

624
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:13,560
Speaker 1: He said, Man, your sister dopely, don't worry about me.

625
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,920
Speaker 1: And I'm like, girl, you know for sure she's educated

626
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,160
Speaker 1: and God's blessed her. She wanted to know where he

627
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:24,719
Speaker 1: went to school. I'm like, they're gonna put me out

628
00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:28,080
Speaker 1: this program, Jesus. When I saw that, I was like,

629
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:32,160
Speaker 1: that's like a big sister. She wanted to know. She

630
00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 1: wanted to know, And everybody rallies around my recovery. My

631
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:41,239
Speaker 1: dad to this day is eighty nine ninety. He'd been

632
00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:44,400
Speaker 1: lying so along, we know, how do you uh, where's

633
00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:51,880
Speaker 1: um my recovery medallion around his neck. And I remember,

634
00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:53,279
Speaker 1: and I don't know if I put this in the book,

635
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:57,160
Speaker 1: him going to his favorite shoes, Shine Paula, hanging out

636
00:39:58,640 --> 00:40:03,160
Speaker 1: and the chief of police Hayes out there where he's

637
00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:06,360
Speaker 1: the chief. Now, he was a regular beat cop or

638
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:08,319
Speaker 1: whatever back in the day. And he told my dad

639
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:10,200
Speaker 1: that I tried to get your daughter, that whole crew

640
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:14,480
Speaker 1: for many years. He said, we never could get him.

641
00:40:17,320 --> 00:40:20,560
Speaker 1: This thing hey must have been. He was really that guy. Yeah,

642
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:22,680
Speaker 1: he was that guy. Oh he was that guy. And

643
00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:25,480
Speaker 1: everybody protected him, was around him, was gonna make sure

644
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:28,200
Speaker 1: nothing happened to him. They We're gonna make sure happen

645
00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:31,600
Speaker 1: to him. I had, I actually have guys parked outside

646
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:35,160
Speaker 1: of my house to make sure I was okay. I

647
00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:37,560
Speaker 1: would just call one of his friends and say, call

648
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:41,080
Speaker 1: call him for me, and he when he because you

649
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:43,480
Speaker 1: know he's married, let's just throw it on the table.

650
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:46,880
Speaker 1: All I did was called l and he would go,

651
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:48,440
Speaker 1: all right, let me get him on the phone, and

652
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:50,399
Speaker 1: he go, what's up. But you gotta remember me lived

653
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:55,480
Speaker 1: around the corner. Mm hmm. So yeah, he was that guy.

654
00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:58,640
Speaker 1: He was straight up that guy. He was that guy.

655
00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:02,160
Speaker 1: I'm just curious, did you ever like maybe in this lifetime,

656
00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,200
Speaker 1: because I feel like when back in the day, you

657
00:41:04,280 --> 00:41:06,439
Speaker 1: was a little wild. Yeah, I was a wild girl

658
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 1: was out there. Do you did you ever meet his wife? She?

659
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:17,799
Speaker 1: One time my mother's friend had a you know, Jake

660
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:20,680
Speaker 1: Joy the tavern. Of course, I was working in the

661
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:25,279
Speaker 1: tavern and nineteen and shouldn't have been and uh herd

662
00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:28,880
Speaker 1: she We looked just alike. Let me say this. We

663
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:32,000
Speaker 1: were the same size and the same height, and we

664
00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:35,640
Speaker 1: looked at life. And one time she pulled up in

665
00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:39,319
Speaker 1: front of tavern and and everybody in there said, here

666
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:43,440
Speaker 1: comes to it. That was her name, and he went

667
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:47,440
Speaker 1: outside and that was the first time I got a

668
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:49,880
Speaker 1: glimpse of her. I've never met him. And the second

669
00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:53,040
Speaker 1: time she must have been looking for him, and she

670
00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:55,040
Speaker 1: drove down the street because she knew he was parking

671
00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:58,520
Speaker 1: for them. Out drove down the street just to see

672
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:00,520
Speaker 1: if he was there, because apparently he wouldn't have are called.

673
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:03,080
Speaker 1: And then she called him. But I never came face

674
00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:05,240
Speaker 1: to face with her, and I I you know, sometime

675
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:08,759
Speaker 1: when you can't apologize to people in recovery, what what

676
00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,600
Speaker 1: they teach us is that you apologize to the atmosphere.

677
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:15,399
Speaker 1: M M. A lot of times. We've harmed so many

678
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:19,120
Speaker 1: people in our disease, you know, from stealing people's stuff.

679
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:22,160
Speaker 1: You know, somebody may have stole or robbed. That wasn't

680
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:26,360
Speaker 1: my story. But uh, we've done things to people that

681
00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:32,839
Speaker 1: you can't physically make amends to write because they tell

682
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:35,439
Speaker 1: you to make amends. Whether to do so would harm

683
00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:38,920
Speaker 1: you or others or you just don't know. There are

684
00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:43,520
Speaker 1: faceless people that we have harmed. And so all I

685
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:47,319
Speaker 1: could do when I got cleaned was apologized to God

686
00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:51,000
Speaker 1: and to the atmosphere for harming her. M m right,

687
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:54,640
Speaker 1: because I harmed her, even though back then that's what

688
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:57,640
Speaker 1: everybody did. They had a woman and a wife somebody

689
00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:02,200
Speaker 1: that's just they on now why but they were flowing

690
00:43:02,239 --> 00:43:03,759
Speaker 1: and like we was flowing and boo, they don't know

691
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:06,840
Speaker 1: about it, you know, like what y'all doing? Yea broke?

692
00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:12,080
Speaker 1: That is true, That is very true. How was sad?

693
00:43:12,200 --> 00:43:15,759
Speaker 1: Chicken broke? How does that happen? Right? You know? How

694
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:18,040
Speaker 1: are you on the bus in the side chick? Right?

695
00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:21,799
Speaker 1: You know? It just it just goes over my head.

696
00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:23,719
Speaker 1: But anyway, I'll be like, baby, I need to open

697
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:28,080
Speaker 1: up a charm school or something. I don't know, but

698
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:33,520
Speaker 1: I have, you know, And sometimes, to be honest, I

699
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:37,279
Speaker 1: might be sitting somewhere and visions of some passings that

700
00:43:37,360 --> 00:43:40,520
Speaker 1: come across my mind and I'll just not only will

701
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:43,399
Speaker 1: I apologize, but I say thank you, thank you guy,

702
00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:49,200
Speaker 1: you know, because I'm I'm not ashamed. I'm just not ashamed.

703
00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:54,000
Speaker 1: I'm just not ashamed. This is what God had from me.

704
00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:57,640
Speaker 1: And some people might look at it and go this

705
00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:03,160
Speaker 1: one about God. I know my story, I'm not. I

706
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:07,920
Speaker 1: am very clear about what he wanted me to go through.

707
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:12,360
Speaker 1: Mm hm, you know. And so the big money hats

708
00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:16,359
Speaker 1: and all those people, you know. And I even told him,

709
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:22,920
Speaker 1: I'm okay, this is not your fault. I had to

710
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:27,759
Speaker 1: go one time and set him down. And this is

711
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:30,440
Speaker 1: so funny. So I went home this particular weekend because

712
00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:35,600
Speaker 1: everybody still knew that he called me shorty, and everybody

713
00:44:35,719 --> 00:44:39,719
Speaker 1: said he knew about short mm hmm, and so I who, Lord,

714
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:41,479
Speaker 1: forgive me, Lord, I should have put this in the book.

715
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:45,880
Speaker 1: So I went home one weekend and he was at

716
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:47,960
Speaker 1: this joke joint. He told me where it was, and

717
00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:51,600
Speaker 1: apparently he had been trying to have been dating this

718
00:44:51,800 --> 00:44:53,839
Speaker 1: girl or the girl was hitting on him with something.

719
00:44:53,880 --> 00:44:56,800
Speaker 1: I don't know what it was. When I came in,

720
00:44:57,120 --> 00:45:00,640
Speaker 1: everybody like sure they oh my god. And I got

721
00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:03,680
Speaker 1: there and he and I were sitting at the table

722
00:45:04,640 --> 00:45:08,120
Speaker 1: and this chick got up, Oh heaven Lord, and she

723
00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:15,800
Speaker 1: walked across my feet mm hmmm. And I said, okay,

724
00:45:16,760 --> 00:45:21,920
Speaker 1: so she walked back across my feet. Now I haven't

725
00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:27,840
Speaker 1: clean five or six years. I jumped up. I grabbed

726
00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:31,520
Speaker 1: a bottle. I broke the I broke the end of

727
00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:36,080
Speaker 1: the bottle on the table and there was this big,

728
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:44,319
Speaker 1: uh window, and I said, uh, look at here to him.

729
00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:46,840
Speaker 1: I don't know if you're scoring this chicken not. I

730
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:49,239
Speaker 1: really don't care, but I'm about to throw her through

731
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:52,120
Speaker 1: this pane window. Walk across my feet one more tip

732
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:57,000
Speaker 1: and I blasts in my hands and I lunged at

733
00:45:57,080 --> 00:46:00,319
Speaker 1: her and he grabbed me. I said, you to ask

734
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:04,680
Speaker 1: somebody my story who I am. I don't play, you know,

735
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:08,200
Speaker 1: because I was because she wanted to show herself off.

736
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:11,000
Speaker 1: And I guess here on her had been tipping into tulis.

737
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:14,880
Speaker 1: That wasn't why I was there. The conversation with him,

738
00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:17,080
Speaker 1: and he was like, hey, come down, so wants everybody

739
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:19,839
Speaker 1: would like to see you, but she stow walk. I said,

740
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:23,400
Speaker 1: you're betta tell her who I am, and he said

741
00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:27,359
Speaker 1: to me, I did, I did. I tried to tell

742
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:29,560
Speaker 1: her for you got here. I'm like, were you gonna

743
00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:34,279
Speaker 1: tell her again? Because in a minute, what girl? She

744
00:46:34,360 --> 00:46:39,040
Speaker 1: got about of that so fast? Do you do you

745
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:42,319
Speaker 1: think he regrants introducing you to Unclekaine? Do you think

746
00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:44,480
Speaker 1: he had any regrets with that? Oh? Yeah, I think

747
00:46:44,520 --> 00:46:46,879
Speaker 1: he does. Yeah, I think you did. I think he did.

748
00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:50,879
Speaker 1: I think um because I was going back and forth,

749
00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:52,839
Speaker 1: back and forth home and then I finally told him

750
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:54,880
Speaker 1: I can't come anymore. I need to live my life.

751
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:58,240
Speaker 1: And then he got really, really sick and he wouldn't

752
00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:02,000
Speaker 1: let me see him. He got definitely sick, and I

753
00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:05,480
Speaker 1: kept saying I need to see I need to see him.

754
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:08,840
Speaker 1: I need to see him. And a girlfriend of mine

755
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:11,680
Speaker 1: she said, he don't want you to see him like this.

756
00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:15,880
Speaker 1: He needs you to remember him being this strong whatever,

757
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,239
Speaker 1: And I was like, I just need you to let

758
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:21,000
Speaker 1: me know if something happens to him. And he had

759
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:24,000
Speaker 1: diabetes and they took a leg off and I knew.

760
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:29,439
Speaker 1: I knew for a fact that he wasn't gonna last

761
00:47:29,520 --> 00:47:33,320
Speaker 1: long because of the caliber and the type of Percy was.

762
00:47:34,200 --> 00:47:38,399
Speaker 1: And then Linda told me that he had the other

763
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:43,200
Speaker 1: leg taken off. Oh wow. And it wasn't long after

764
00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:45,279
Speaker 1: that she called me and I said, you ain't gotta

765
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:48,120
Speaker 1: kill me. I already know like that, And I said,

766
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:51,360
Speaker 1: I wull respect for his wife and his family. I

767
00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:54,920
Speaker 1: didn't go, and and Linda kept saying, you know, he

768
00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:57,399
Speaker 1: would want you to be in that building. I said,

769
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:00,640
Speaker 1: that's not right. I can't do it. And so I've

770
00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:02,440
Speaker 1: been cleaning for quite a while and I didn't go.

771
00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:05,560
Speaker 1: And so he and I to this day have conversations

772
00:48:05,560 --> 00:48:10,759
Speaker 1: in the spirit, you know, the the way that ended

773
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:16,120
Speaker 1: mm hm, way way that happened. But um, I do

774
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:22,000
Speaker 1: believe you know, in his quiet moments, you know he

775
00:48:22,520 --> 00:48:26,279
Speaker 1: uh yeah, yeah, he had he had really you know,

776
00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:28,680
Speaker 1: he had to deal with that. M He had to

777
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:31,080
Speaker 1: deal with that. And and that's because he was human,

778
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:35,480
Speaker 1: you know, he was still a person with some character,

779
00:48:35,640 --> 00:48:37,719
Speaker 1: and a lot of people might think that's crazy, but

780
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:41,759
Speaker 1: he was m hm. So I always say he had,

781
00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:46,840
Speaker 1: was and will always be my best friend. This is

782
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:49,480
Speaker 1: a two part episode, so I really do hope that

783
00:48:49,560 --> 00:48:53,440
Speaker 1: you enjoyed part one. Please make sure to support the

784
00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:56,120
Speaker 1: podcast by clicking the link in the Show Knows below.

785
00:48:56,640 --> 00:48:58,560
Speaker 1: Part two will be dropping next week, so if you

786
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:01,480
Speaker 1: have any questions, comments or concerns, or if you just

787
00:49:01,600 --> 00:49:04,399
Speaker 1: want to say PSC is doing better, please make sure

788
00:49:04,440 --> 00:49:07,359
Speaker 1: to email me at hello at the PSD podcast dot com.

789
00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:09,719
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for always holding me down and

790
00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:14,040
Speaker 1: not up, and until next time, everyone Later,