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Speaker 1: If you don't have patience, you can build it. If

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Speaker 1: you don't have compassion, you can build it. If you

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Speaker 1: don't have peace, you can build it.

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Speaker 2: Good morning, good afternoon, Good evening. Emily Body here. You

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Speaker 2: are listening to episode three hundred and forty two of Hurdle,

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Speaker 2: a wellness focused podcast where we talk to inspirational people

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Speaker 2: about everything from their highest ties and toughest moments to

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Speaker 2: essential tips on how to live a healthier, happier, more

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Speaker 2: motivated life. We all go through our fair share of hurdles.

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Speaker 2: My goal through these discussions is to empower you to

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Speaker 2: better navigate yours and move with intention, so that you

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Speaker 2: can stride towards your own big potential and of course

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Speaker 2: have some fun along the way. We are in the

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Speaker 2: season of love, my friends. One of the pieces of

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Speaker 2: feedback that came in through your messages and your emails

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Speaker 2: last week was that you love hearing about.

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Speaker 3: All aspects of wellness.

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Speaker 2: You are a holistic human, so as much as you

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Speaker 2: love the athlete interviews, you also love tips and tricks

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Speaker 2: from qualified experts, and that is exactly what I am

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Speaker 2: bringing you over the next few weeks. Today's conversation is

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Speaker 2: with the one and only Diego Perez. Many of you

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Speaker 2: know him as Young Pueblo, and in the spirit, like

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Speaker 2: I said, of love, we are talking about his best

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Speaker 2: practice tips for your relationships. Diego has a new book

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Speaker 2: coming out this month. It's called How to Love Better,

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Speaker 2: and that's exactly what our conversation is about. We are

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Speaker 2: talking not only about how to love better in terms

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Speaker 2: of partnership, whether you are single or attached, but also

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Speaker 2: how to love yourself better too. I know that a

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Speaker 2: lot of people roll their eyes when we get to

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Speaker 2: Valentine's Day each year, whether you are single or attached.

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Speaker 3: I hear you.

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Speaker 2: I know, Hallmark holiday, but it is a good time

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Speaker 2: for us to remember the importance of loving well and

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Speaker 2: how having love in your life can impact your overall

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Speaker 2: well being. In today's episode, Diego gives me the takeaways

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Speaker 2: that he has from his eight years of marriage thus far.

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Speaker 2: We also talk about his green and red flags or

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Speaker 2: dating and give a nod to the concept that at

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Speaker 2: the base of everything that we do, love is there,

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Speaker 2: and so it is up to each and every one

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Speaker 2: of us as individuals to decide how we want to love,

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Speaker 2: to decide how.

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Speaker 3: We view love.

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Speaker 2: Knowing that our individual perspective shapes our reality. I love

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Speaker 2: this conversation. I could talk to Diego all day. He

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Speaker 2: is so calming.

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Speaker 3: Again.

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Speaker 2: His book is coming out this month. It is called

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Speaker 2: how to Love Better, and I'm going to link it

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Speaker 2: in the show notes. Make sure if you're not yet

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Speaker 2: following along with Hurdle over on social you do that.

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Speaker 2: It's over at Hurdle podcast over on Instagram. We also

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Speaker 2: have a new daily subscriber channel in there. Each day

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Speaker 2: we're throwing in an inspirational quote as well as a

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Speaker 2: thought prompt to get your wheels turning first thing in

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Speaker 2: the morning.

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Speaker 3: Plus, Also, if you're not yet a.

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Speaker 2: Subscriber to the Weekly Hurdle newsletter, it's our substack that

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Speaker 2: comes out every single Friday with so much of the

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Speaker 2: same inspiration and motivation you love from Hurdle directly in

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Speaker 2: your inbox. And the best part is that it is

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Speaker 2: absolutely free. Now you will see that there is an

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Speaker 2: option to become a supporter of the newsletter. I encourage you,

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Speaker 2: if you love the Weekly Hurdle, think about becoming a

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Speaker 2: paid subscriber this week.

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Speaker 3: With that, let's get to it. Let's get it's a

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Speaker 3: hurdling today.

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Speaker 2: I am sitting down with Diego Perez. He is known

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Speaker 2: to many as Young Pueblo. He's a number one New

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Speaker 2: York Times bestselling author. He's got a new book coming out.

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Speaker 2: It's called How to Love Better, out next month.

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Speaker 3: How are we doing.

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Speaker 1: I'm doing really well and I'm so happy that we

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Speaker 1: get to chat. Thank you for having me on again.

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Speaker 2: Oh of course, it's a no brainer, especially right now.

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Speaker 2: You know, it's the time of love, Valentine's Day on

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Speaker 2: the horizon. We're thinking about self love, we're thinking about

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Speaker 2: love with other people.

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Speaker 3: How is love, would you.

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Speaker 2: Say, most resounding in your life right now?

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Speaker 1: Oh? My gosh, It's resounding in all the small little moments. Honestly,

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Speaker 1: It's like these moments where like my wife and I

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Speaker 1: we just right before it came on, we just sat

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Speaker 1: together to meditate for an hour, and then we finished

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Speaker 1: meditating and she turns over and she just looks at

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Speaker 1: me and just goes, I love you. And it's like

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Speaker 1: these tiny little things that keep building on that active care.

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Speaker 3: Active care.

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Speaker 2: And I love the sentiment of articulating, paying attention to

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Speaker 2: noticing the small things, because it's not always going to

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Speaker 2: show up every day way right, No.

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Speaker 1: I think that's one of the big problems that we're

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Speaker 1: facing as a society is like this idea of love

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Speaker 1: as constant excitement and fun and we're chasing this high.

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Speaker 1: But in reality, I think love is going to have

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Speaker 1: ups and downs, just as it does, you know, when

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Speaker 1: you're on your own individual journey, Like every day is

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Speaker 1: not going to be a good day. And I think

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Speaker 1: we get scared of that. We get scared of the

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Speaker 1: down moments, and rightfully so, because we don't want to,

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Speaker 1: you know, end up in a super toxic or hurtful situation.

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Speaker 1: But you know, a lot of healthy relationships also have

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Speaker 1: down moments and that's.

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Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, including healthy relationships with ourselves, right And I

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Speaker 2: think that the ability and the recognition that we are

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Speaker 2: capable of finding small moments of joy, small moments of

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Speaker 2: love kind of like meeting yourself with where you're at totally.

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Speaker 1: I think that's like one of the biggest things too.

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Speaker 1: It's like understanding that the skills that you build to

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Speaker 1: meet yourself where you're at and to be able to

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Speaker 1: appreciate the sort of you know, your own emotional range

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Speaker 1: and like when you're literally feeling yourself going from happiness

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Speaker 1: to feeling a little tougher inside or feeling lighter inside.

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Speaker 1: You being able to hold space for your own emotions.

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Speaker 1: That's that direct compassion that you can then give to

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Speaker 1: your partner, because if you can't face your own emotions,

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Speaker 1: you're definitely not going to be able to face theirs.

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Speaker 2: There are so many, so many benefits to love, feeling love.

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Speaker 2: When you feel love and cared for, it boosts your

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Speaker 2: immune system. It reduces the chance of things like catching

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Speaker 2: a cold. But bigger than that, love releases high levels

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Speaker 2: of dopamine. And so essentially what that means is it's

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Speaker 2: getting the rewards system within your body going, similar to

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Speaker 2: a euphoria that you could get from extras like drugs

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Speaker 2: or alcohol. So really love is the basis for allowing

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Speaker 2: you to feel better in your body.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's and it's really important because I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of times when people who have been single

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Speaker 1: for a while and are really craving a relationship, they're

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Speaker 1: sort of unconsciously postponing their happiness and postponing that really

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Speaker 1: active self love that can awaken that dopamine and make

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Speaker 1: you more vibrant on the inside, whether you're with someone

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Speaker 1: or not. And that's something that I'm always trying to

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Speaker 1: tell people. It's like, just don't postpone your happiness, like,

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Speaker 1: because even when you're in a good relationship, if you

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Speaker 1: don't have that awareness over your own perception and your

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Speaker 1: own reaction, you can miss out on the deepest joy

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Speaker 1: and the sort of the deepest like sense of care

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Speaker 1: that you can get from a relationship because you have

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Speaker 1: something to work on within yourself. So whether you're by

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Speaker 1: yourself or another person, like, you have to activate your

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Speaker 1: happiness on your own.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So what I'm hearing you say is you might

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Speaker 2: not be in a relationship with other people or another person,

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Speaker 2: but you have a foundational, important relationship all of the time,

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Speaker 2: and that relationship is with yourself.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, You're always in relationship with yourself. That that's like

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Speaker 1: you're you know, you're never going to be able to

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Speaker 1: really fully escape yourself. You may try, you know, you

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Speaker 1: may keep like scrolling watching TV, but ultimately there are

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Speaker 1: going to be quiet moments where you have to face

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Speaker 1: yourself and you might as well be able to embrace

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Speaker 1: that with love and compassion as opposed to a version. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Now, before we keep going on this, I've got

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Speaker 2: to know what was the inspiration to focus on this

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Speaker 2: specific topic for this new book.

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Speaker 1: The inspiration was really like it came from like direct experience,

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Speaker 1: like I was when I started meditating and going to

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Speaker 1: these longer meditation retreats. I went in for my own

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Speaker 1: personal healing, like I went in because I knew that

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Speaker 1: I had big things to deal with, that I had

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Speaker 1: to overcome sadness, overcome anxiety, and not let them become,

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Speaker 1: you know, not let them be so dominant over my life,

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Speaker 1: because they were like taking over my life. And when

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Speaker 1: I started meditating, I was shocked because, Okay, one, I

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Speaker 1: was definitely feeling better and I could feel that my

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Speaker 1: mind was lighter. But I started immediately noticing that even

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Speaker 1: though I went in for my own healing, it started

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Speaker 1: elevating all of my relationships. I started noticing right away,

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Speaker 1: like when I was meditating, that my relationships were really superficial,

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Speaker 1: you know, with my wife, my girlfriend at the time

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Speaker 1: and my now wife, with my parents, with my friends,

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Speaker 1: like everything was very surface level. And that was because

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Speaker 1: I was afraid of myself, so I couldn't really offer

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Speaker 1: vulnerability to help deepen a connection. And as I started

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Speaker 1: changing through meditating, I was like, wait, like there is

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Speaker 1: a deep relationship here between your personal growth and how

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Speaker 1: you can show up in you know, with the people

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Speaker 1: that you love.

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Speaker 2: That's really interesting is you acknowledging that you were with

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Speaker 2: your now wife then girlfriend before doing some of this work.

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Speaker 2: And I think that there's a challenge for many which

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Speaker 2: is this inability to grow with a partner or a

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Speaker 2: feeling that they are incapable of growing with a partner.

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Speaker 2: It's like, I have to do all of this work

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Speaker 2: before I'm prepared for the relationship. Why do you think

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Speaker 2: that your relationship withstood that growth period and how did

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Speaker 2: it make the two of you better?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a great question. I think you know a

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Speaker 1: lot of people they want to enter into a relationship

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Speaker 1: with someone who like really has all their stuff together,

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Speaker 1: like really has you know, has gone to therapy, has

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Speaker 1: like helped themselves. But the reality is like you can

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Speaker 1: be someone who really deeply cares about your personal growth

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Speaker 1: and you still will have a ton of stuff to

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Speaker 1: work on. It's just such a long journey because none

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Speaker 1: of us are perfect. That's just the reality of it

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Speaker 1: is that we can try our best, but there are

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Speaker 1: still going to be gaps and blocks and things we

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Speaker 1: need to learn, especially when you are in relationship with

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Speaker 1: somebody like I can love you. And this is what

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Speaker 1: my wife and I went through where I felt the

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Speaker 1: love for her, she felt the love for me, but

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Speaker 1: we did not know how to care for each other

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Speaker 1: because we didn't have enough self awareness to see ourselves.

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Speaker 1: We didn't have enough emotional maturity to be able to

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Speaker 1: hold each other's emotions as we were going through arguments.

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Speaker 1: We didn't have this sort of emotional skill set to

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Speaker 1: be able to really, you know, love each other well.

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Speaker 1: And we had to learn that over time. And I

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Speaker 1: think honestly what kept us together was that we tried

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Speaker 1: to be a part. Like there were moments where we

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Speaker 1: would break up come back together, and we didn't really

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Speaker 1: know how to like have a nourishing relationship, but we

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Speaker 1: did know we wanted to be together, and we were

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Speaker 1: fortunate that we at the moment when we were really

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Speaker 1: at a crossroads, meditation came into our lives and we

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Speaker 1: started noticing that, oh, we're like handling our arguments a

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Speaker 1: little bit differently, We're projecting less onto each other. We're

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Speaker 1: much more vocal about the moments when our emotions change,

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Speaker 1: so that we're informing each other well, and we were

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Speaker 1: just like, you know, gleeful. We were so happy. We're like, wow,

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Speaker 1: this is this is amazing that that we you know,

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Speaker 1: can care for each other better now.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's truly special that you and your partner

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Speaker 2: had a mutual interest in this work right in this

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Speaker 2: personal betterment getting involved in meditation. For some that may

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Speaker 2: see a bit of a disconnect with that, is there

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Speaker 2: a future for them to move forward together or not?

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Speaker 1: No, totally, they can totally move forward together. I see

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Speaker 1: this happen a lot where people both care about their

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Speaker 1: personal growth, but the way that they go about their

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Speaker 1: growth is different. And I think that's something that we

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Speaker 1: have to be okay with Because you may have a

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Speaker 1: great partner and you may have so many things that

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Speaker 1: are so deeply aligned. Doesn't mean that you're going to

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Speaker 1: grow in the same way. That doesn't mean that you're

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Speaker 1: going to grow at the same speed. Like you know,

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Speaker 1: your partner may have a better time with listening than

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Speaker 1: you do, or they may have more patience than you do,

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Speaker 1: and you are realizing your lack in patients or listening

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Speaker 1: and you have to develop it over time. But you're

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Speaker 1: just not going to be like lockstep moving at the

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Speaker 1: same speed. And I've just seen a lot of great

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Speaker 1: relationships where you know, one person meditates, or another person

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Speaker 1: you know has a really serious therapy practice, or one

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Speaker 1: person meditates in the other it's just really into like

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Speaker 1: being in nature, or you know, just has something where

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Speaker 1: they're like actively not running away from their emotions. And

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Speaker 1: you'll see the commonality, like when you're in nature and

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Speaker 1: you're like allowing yourself to be there without a podcast,

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Speaker 1: or you're creating art, or you're journaling, or you know,

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Speaker 1: going to therapy, meditating a lot of these things, what

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Speaker 1: they have in common is that they're just helping you

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Speaker 1: be with yourself. And I think that's that's where the

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Speaker 1: power comes from.

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Speaker 2: So foundationally, the only thing that's important is truly that

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Speaker 2: both of you have a desire to be better. It

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Speaker 2: doesn't mean that you need to do the same things

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Speaker 2: on that quest. You can be on parallel paths as

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Speaker 2: long as at the end of the path you come

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Speaker 2: back together to acknowledge that importance.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think if both of you have the emotional

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Speaker 1: resilience to be accountable to yourselves and recognize when you're

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Speaker 1: making mistakes, and you have the fortitude to repair them.

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Speaker 1: Then you're going to be golden because we all go

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Speaker 1: into relationships with some form of pass hurt, some unconscious behavior,

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Speaker 1: you know, something where we could know ourselves better and

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Speaker 1: act better. But that is long, slow evolution, and I

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Speaker 1: think it's okay to you know, that's the reality of.

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Speaker 3: Life now, before we go any further.

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Speaker 2: There are people that are certainly they have their interest

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Speaker 2: piqued by what we're talking about, but foundationally maybe they're

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Speaker 2: a little bit u familiar with you and a little

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Speaker 2: unsure of why am I listening to this man about

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Speaker 2: love advice right now?

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Speaker 3: So tell us a little bit.

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Speaker 2: Why is it that you are now looked to as

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Speaker 2: an expert when it comes to these topics.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, the key thing is like look to as an expert.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if I consider myself an expert. I

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Speaker 1: really think to myself as a as a student. I'm

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Speaker 1: not like a guru or anything like that. I'm just

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Speaker 1: someone who's here along, you know, walking the journey like

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Speaker 1: everybody else. I think the only thing that I've taken

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Speaker 1: seriously is my own personal development, and I've put so

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Speaker 1: many hours, Like literally, I did a account the other

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Speaker 1: day where I think I've meditated somewhere between twelve and

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Speaker 1: thirteen thousand hours, and like that's you know, it's a

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Speaker 1: good amount of time, but doesn't necessarily reflect wisdom. It

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Speaker 1: more so reflects like effort, like time putting into cultivating myself,

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Speaker 1: because when you meditate, especially in the tradition that I'm

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Speaker 1: a part of, really developing these three qualities where it's

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Speaker 1: self awareness, non reaction, and compassion, and these are things

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Speaker 1: that the mind has, but you need to cultivate them.

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Speaker 1: You need to make them stronger so that they help

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Speaker 1: you make better decisions in your life. And I think

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Speaker 1: in some ways, you know that, you know, my own

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Speaker 1: sort of pursuit of personal development has just helped me understand,

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Speaker 1: you know, how to change my behaviors for the better

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Speaker 1: and show up as a more genuine version of myself

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Speaker 1: as opposed to just repeating the past over and over again.

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Speaker 1: And then I've reflected you know, through the writing, through

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Speaker 1: sharing on Instagram and built up of an audience of

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Speaker 1: about you know, like four point five million people, and

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Speaker 1: it's great. I really think of myself as someone who's

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Speaker 1: just reflecting with you. So, like all the things that

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Speaker 1: I write the books, like whether you agree or not

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Speaker 1: with what I'm saying. I'm hoping that it at least

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Speaker 1: helps you reflect so that you can build your own

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Speaker 1: self awareness.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I have a deep appreciation for the acknowledgement of

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Speaker 2: this concept that you are still a student.

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Speaker 3: And also you've put in a lot of work.

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Speaker 2: Right, we talk about how you get stronger, it's by

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Speaker 2: putting in the reps. Right, how does a muscle get stronger?

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Speaker 2: You give it something to push up against. How does

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Speaker 2: your will get stronger? It's by you also giving it

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Speaker 2: something to push up against within your meditation practice totally.

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Speaker 1: And you know the value of training, you know better

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Speaker 1: than I do. Like training is so important, Like you

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Speaker 1: don't just like go outside and run a marathon. You

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Speaker 1: have to train the mind and the same way that

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Speaker 1: you train the body. And we're so accustomed to training

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Speaker 1: the body. But I think that's something that we're learning

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Speaker 1: as a culture that if you don't have patience, you

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Speaker 1: can build it. If you don't have compassion, you can

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Speaker 1: build it. If you don't have peace, you can build it.

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Speaker 1: It's not just that happiness is a framework or a

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Speaker 1: perception that you just force upon yourself. You train it,

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Speaker 1: you develop it over time, by teaching yourself how to

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Speaker 1: be less attached, by teaching yourself to let go to

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Speaker 1: embrace in permanence. And these are things that you learn

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Speaker 1: over time.

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Speaker 3: How do you combat the victim mindset?

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Speaker 2: Because someone hears what you just said, they're like, compassion

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Speaker 2: you can build it self, appreciation, you can build it,

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Speaker 2: et cetera. There might be a certain level of frustration

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Speaker 2: in this I'm in the same cycle. I can't get

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Speaker 2: out of it, all of this negative self talk. How

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Speaker 2: do you fight against the victim mindset to get to

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Speaker 2: a place where you truly believe in that unlock that

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Speaker 2: you can build the emotions, the feelings, the life that

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Speaker 2: you desire.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think bringing yourself back to the present moment

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Speaker 1: is huge because we get so caught up in the

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Speaker 1: down moment sometimes that we absolutely forget all the amazing

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Speaker 1: things that we can be grateful for. We literally get

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Speaker 1: lost in the negativity, and that happens a lot. But

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Speaker 1: bringing yourself back to gratitude, bringing yourself back to embracing impermanence,

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Speaker 1: like bring yourself back to just understanding that your actions

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Speaker 1: are extraordinarily powerful and it's only your actions that will

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Speaker 1: like literally bring you out of the mud, like pull

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Speaker 1: you out into a new version of yourself. Because you know,

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Speaker 1: people who listen to this podcast, people who are reading

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Speaker 1: you know, self help books, even your therapists. Like people

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Speaker 1: can inform you and give you good information, but only

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Speaker 1: you can act on it to really start creating a

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Speaker 1: new chapter in your life. And I think that's you know, like,

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Speaker 1: I've had so many people who've inspired me, but they

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Speaker 1: didn't meditate for me. They like I had to do

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Speaker 1: that myself. Like, you know, these things where we have

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Speaker 1: to pull ourselves out, there's this powerful moment where we

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Speaker 1: really can activate our strong determination and put our foot

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Speaker 1: down and say, you know what, I'm going to give

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Speaker 1: this goal a bunch of my effort and I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to let other people stop me. And I think

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Speaker 1: we all have that capacity.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And honestly, sometimes motivation can go out the window, right,

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Speaker 2: So that's why the desire for action, the opportunity to

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Speaker 2: just take that first step and keep stepping forward. There

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Speaker 2: needs to be a foundational level of appreciation for the

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Speaker 2: fact that I can do this. I just have to

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Speaker 2: get out there and put in that effort.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you would be surprised what you can accomplish, and

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Speaker 1: a lot of times, like, it's really just about setting

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Speaker 1: yourself up for tiny victories so that you can build momentum,

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Speaker 1: because you can reach your goal and it's easier to

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Speaker 1: reach it with momentum. And the best way is to

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Speaker 1: just feed yourself tiny victories by doing something small every day.

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Speaker 1: And I remember, like, you know, when I first started writing,

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Speaker 1: like I didn't know how to write, Like it was

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Speaker 1: something that I felt like, oh, let me reflect and

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Speaker 1: share things openly. But by you know, writing one little

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Speaker 1: poem a day, writing, you know, sharing one thought a

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Speaker 1: day on Instagram, like, things will build over time and

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Speaker 1: then you'll have, you know, like a writing career. But

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Speaker 1: you can bring that to like anything that you want

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Speaker 1: in your life, where you're just setting yourself for small,

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Speaker 1: tiny victories.

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Speaker 3: Small tiny victories.

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Speaker 2: And again this circles back to our beginning conversation about

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Speaker 2: taking notice of the good in your life, even if

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Speaker 2: it is small instances.

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Speaker 3: Of joy or love.

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Speaker 2: Right now, I thought a lot about what we could

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Speaker 2: talk about today, And I obviously have listeners that are

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Speaker 2: in all different places of their journey with self, of

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Speaker 2: their journey with others, whether it be women that are

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Speaker 2: single or attached or married or divorced, or whatever the

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Speaker 2: case may be. And one of the things I really

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Speaker 2: appreciated within your book that you started to reference a

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Speaker 2: little bit in our conversation thus far were the lessons

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Speaker 2: that you've learned from your marriage. Thus far, you articulate

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Speaker 2: eight of them. And what I think is so beautiful

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Speaker 2: is that these lessons aren't solely applicable to being in

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Speaker 2: a relationship. These are lessons that you can really bring

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Speaker 2: to all aspects of your life. The first lesson that

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Speaker 2: you articulate is that connection on its own is not enough.

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Speaker 2: Why is it important to have a bigger sense of

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Speaker 2: what's going on within the relationship besides the magnetic attraction

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Speaker 2: that you experienced at the beginning.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you find this a lot that you

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Speaker 1: know connection and that magnetic attraction may be there, and

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Speaker 1: you may feel that for a number of different people,

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Speaker 1: But is there enough to actually build a home together?

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Speaker 1: Is there enough to design a life that feels really fruitful?

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Speaker 1: And oftentimes people don't even get past the magnetic attraction

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Speaker 1: part because they are too shy or culturally we've like

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Speaker 1: taught ourselves to be KOI and to like not be

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Speaker 1: direct about what we feel for another person, like if literally,

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Speaker 1: if you don't tell them like how you feel and

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Speaker 1: that you're serious, like your feelings are serious for them,

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Speaker 1: then you won't even have the opportunity to know if

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Speaker 1: you can build a relationship. So we get lost often

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Speaker 1: in that you know, exciting feeling of connection, But you

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Speaker 1: need so much more than that. You need emotional maturity,

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Speaker 1: you need self awareness, You need the ability to really

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Speaker 1: embrace your growth wherever you are your journey, even if

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Speaker 1: it's a relationship that you are so excited about and

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Speaker 1: the other person may care about growth, and then that

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Speaker 1: starts coming into your life and you're like, oh right,

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Speaker 1: there's value and growth. Let me start embracing my growth

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Speaker 1: so that I can you know, literally take charge of

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Speaker 1: my evolution. People can start wherever. And I think, you know,

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Speaker 1: knowing how much I care about my wife and knowing

439
00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:28,159
Speaker 1: how in the beginning of our relationship, I didn't do

440
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,520
Speaker 1: a good job taking care of for happiness and supporting

441
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,600
Speaker 1: our happiness. To me now it's like, well, this is

442
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,360
Speaker 1: another reason why I keep doubling down on my personal

443
00:23:36,359 --> 00:23:39,639
Speaker 1: growth is because I see a direct connection between me

444
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:43,120
Speaker 1: growing and the harmony that I can add to our relationship.

445
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:47,560
Speaker 2: What I also appreciate here is the acceptance or acknowledgement

446
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,880
Speaker 2: of something that you could be doing better.

447
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,520
Speaker 3: When I tell you the amount.

448
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:56,560
Speaker 2: Of relationships, whether they just be friendship, splotonic or something

449
00:23:56,960 --> 00:24:01,840
Speaker 2: more than that, that falter or skip because one person

450
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:06,000
Speaker 2: feels as though it's not their responsibility to apologize.

451
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,000
Speaker 3: I would be here for a long time.

452
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:11,359
Speaker 1: I know, I know, And it's really hard because like

453
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,520
Speaker 1: because of our perceptions that you can even be really

454
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,520
Speaker 1: well intentioned and just say the wrong thing at the

455
00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:20,479
Speaker 1: wrong time without any ill will, and like there's still

456
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:23,080
Speaker 1: maybe the need to apologize for that and like, oh,

457
00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:24,720
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, like I didn't need to hurt your feelings

458
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:30,800
Speaker 1: at all. But there's also the mixture of like recognizing

459
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,679
Speaker 1: that there are definitely going to be moments where you

460
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 1: need to apologize, and then there are going to be

461
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,119
Speaker 1: other moments where actually there wasn't even a need for

462
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,680
Speaker 1: an argument to happen. What really happened was a lack

463
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,720
Speaker 1: of communication around how your emotions were changing through the day.

464
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:47,280
Speaker 1: And this is something that like a system that my

465
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,119
Speaker 1: wife and I set up where we try our best

466
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,520
Speaker 1: to multiple times a day just let each other know,

467
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:55,600
Speaker 1: like when we're feeling down, when we're feeling good, or

468
00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:00,360
Speaker 1: you know, whatever emotions moving through. And that has been

469
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:04,320
Speaker 1: so helpful because whenever I know that she doesn't feel good,

470
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,480
Speaker 1: that's my opportunity to step up and try to take

471
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,399
Speaker 1: things off her plate and to just make sure that

472
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:12,960
Speaker 1: I'm moving gently around her and the same thing for her.

473
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:17,240
Speaker 1: And I think that's like so valuable to just communicate

474
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:20,040
Speaker 1: when we don't feel good, because then we don't allow

475
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:23,760
Speaker 1: the mind the opportunity to try to blame, to try

476
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:25,800
Speaker 1: to figure out, like, oh, how can I make this

477
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,720
Speaker 1: feeling that I don't like your fault? And the mind

478
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:30,600
Speaker 1: will try to do that unless you're aware of it.

479
00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:35,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, And you call this process an emotional temperature check.

480
00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:40,640
Speaker 2: For someone that's interested in incorporating emotional temperature checks in

481
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,359
Speaker 2: their relationships, where do you even begin?

482
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,080
Speaker 3: And does it even need to be that complicated?

483
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 1: No, it doesn't need to be complicated at all. It

484
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,680
Speaker 1: begins when you wake up. You wake up and you're

485
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,959
Speaker 1: just check in with yourself and then you let your

486
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,919
Speaker 1: partner know, like, oh, I don't feel that good today.

487
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:56,800
Speaker 1: You know, I think the first things I said to

488
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:58,400
Speaker 1: my wife when I woke up. I was like, ooh,

489
00:25:58,400 --> 00:25:59,840
Speaker 1: I don't I don't know if I don't know, if

490
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:03,199
Speaker 1: my bodies fighting something like I felt this heaviness, you know,

491
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:08,080
Speaker 1: And she was like, great, you know. Good, it's good

492
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:10,280
Speaker 1: to know, and vice versa. Like we tell each other

493
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:12,879
Speaker 1: where we are, and then there's another point in the

494
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,760
Speaker 1: middle of the day, like in the early afternoon, where

495
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:18,640
Speaker 1: we tell each other again, and this becomes like it's

496
00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:20,439
Speaker 1: not like we have to sit down and talk about it.

497
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,720
Speaker 1: It's very casual. It's just like I'm letting you know

498
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 1: so that I can know and you can know where

499
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,240
Speaker 1: I'm standing right now in my own emotional range. And

500
00:26:29,359 --> 00:26:32,440
Speaker 1: the information it's so simple, but the information is so helpful.

501
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:36,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it sounds helpful. And I can also see

502
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,520
Speaker 2: the inverse for someone who may be listening and thinking

503
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,480
Speaker 2: this sounds exhausting.

504
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,560
Speaker 1: I know, because you don't want to make it too formal.

505
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,080
Speaker 1: It's not like, oh, like we have to do this

506
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,240
Speaker 1: and this is like part of our routine. It's like

507
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:51,919
Speaker 1: make it as easy as possible for yourself to just

508
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,920
Speaker 1: like voice, because there are times where we're moving through

509
00:26:55,960 --> 00:27:00,000
Speaker 1: the day and we because of the demands of the day,

510
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:04,200
Speaker 1: the day and the responsibilities we have. We are really

511
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:08,680
Speaker 1: pushing ourselves to feel good when we actually don't, and

512
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:12,160
Speaker 1: that ends up creating not as good results in terms

513
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,480
Speaker 1: of like not just your work or like, you know,

514
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,159
Speaker 1: the way that you're interacting with your partner.

515
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, another lesson that you list from your eight years

516
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:24,200
Speaker 2: of marriage is the necessity to individually understand your emotional

517
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 2: history and behavioral patterns. We chatted a little bit about

518
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,800
Speaker 2: this earlier, but talk to me a little bit about

519
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:33,359
Speaker 2: why it is important to have that foundational understanding of

520
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,679
Speaker 2: where you're at to meet your partner in your relationship.

521
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:41,160
Speaker 1: I mean, we all carry this really vast emotional history.

522
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:46,520
Speaker 1: Like whether you've experienced trauma or not, you have absolutely

523
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 1: had hard moments. You've experienced hurt, you've experienced some sort

524
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:55,600
Speaker 1: of loss, and those strong moments, those big reactions, they

525
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,919
Speaker 1: leave an imprint on the mind and they affect the

526
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:02,000
Speaker 1: way that you not only perceive the present, where you

527
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:06,199
Speaker 1: will literally have a lens of the past that you

528
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:09,240
Speaker 1: have to try your best to see through to be

529
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:13,000
Speaker 1: able to see the present. And that makes engaging with

530
00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:16,000
Speaker 1: reality as it is quite challenging, and that also makes

531
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:20,360
Speaker 1: engaging with your partner challenging. So realizing that we all

532
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 1: come with this heavy conditioning from the past, that means

533
00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:25,520
Speaker 1: that we all have some you know, you can call

534
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,560
Speaker 1: it healing or you can call it growth, but we

535
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,720
Speaker 1: all have some work to do on ourselves. And that's

536
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:35,400
Speaker 1: what really helps, you know, understand that, Okay, we're simultaneously imperfect.

537
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,680
Speaker 1: We have this past that wants us to react in

538
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:41,600
Speaker 1: the same way over and over again, which usually manifest

539
00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:44,480
Speaker 1: in a defensive manner. But we're going to do our

540
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:46,520
Speaker 1: best to not be dominated by the pass and just

541
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:48,160
Speaker 1: show up in a caring way in the present.

542
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:53,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's easy to liken this too again the pathway

543
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:57,920
Speaker 2: of an athlete or physical performance. Right, If you every

544
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,280
Speaker 2: day try to show up and go one hundred percent

545
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:04,400
Speaker 2: without time to recover your muscles or give your body

546
00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:08,720
Speaker 2: what it needs, then eventually you'll show up and you'll

547
00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:14,520
Speaker 2: be giving ninety five ninety eighty five, eighty seventy forty thirty.

548
00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:15,040
Speaker 3: Dead at zero.

549
00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:15,520
Speaker 1: Right.

550
00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:18,920
Speaker 2: And so to take the time to give your body

551
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:23,360
Speaker 2: what it truly needs, both physically and mentally, then enables

552
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:26,600
Speaker 2: you to show up how you truly wish to in

553
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:27,800
Speaker 2: a continuous capacity.

554
00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:31,040
Speaker 1: Oh my, gosh, you're like literally speaking to my life

555
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 1: right now. I've been doing so much running and I

556
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,680
Speaker 1: was training and I would only take like a day off,

557
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:41,080
Speaker 1: and then there was once where I was like, okay,

558
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:44,360
Speaker 1: I really have to take two days off, and my goodness,

559
00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:47,040
Speaker 1: the way my body bounced back after like giving myself

560
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:47,800
Speaker 1: the extra rest.

561
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:50,600
Speaker 2: But isn't it so funny that in the act of

562
00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,640
Speaker 2: taking the time off you feel as though you are

563
00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:56,320
Speaker 2: doing something wrong. It's like, oh, yeah, well, I'm not

564
00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,080
Speaker 2: running today, so I must be messing up.

565
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:00,520
Speaker 3: Like I'm lacking, et cetera.

566
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,400
Speaker 2: But when you realize what happens in the periods of

567
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 2: recovery that then enable and empower you to show up

568
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:09,200
Speaker 2: how you want to show up two days later, then

569
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,480
Speaker 2: you're like, Okay, I get it now, I know.

570
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:13,200
Speaker 1: And this is exactly what we were talking about in

571
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,720
Speaker 1: the beginning of the our convo, right where we're like

572
00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:19,560
Speaker 1: attached to not only high levels of excitement, but high

573
00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:23,240
Speaker 1: levels of performance and that you know, you can see

574
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,080
Speaker 1: that on the individual level, but you can also see

575
00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:27,560
Speaker 1: that on the relationship level, or where we want the

576
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:30,280
Speaker 1: highest height of harmony all the time, the highest height

577
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:33,320
Speaker 1: of good communication and it's just not going to be

578
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:36,320
Speaker 1: like that all the time. And when we stop fighting

579
00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:39,880
Speaker 1: the tough moments and we allow them to arise, because

580
00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:44,480
Speaker 1: usually they're a rising, so that you can overcome some

581
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:48,360
Speaker 1: type of block, something that you know, if you were

582
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,960
Speaker 1: able to face it and understand it together, you can

583
00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 1: resolve it so that you can deepen your connection.

584
00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:00,800
Speaker 2: Taking a break from today's episod so to give some

585
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:04,600
Speaker 2: love to Friend of the Show Receipts. Receipts is a

586
00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 2: new platform that rewards you for working out. The app

587
00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:11,960
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588
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,520
Speaker 2: Aura or Whoop and rewards you with points for minutes

589
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:19,520
Speaker 2: of elevated heart rate during activities. You can start streaks,

590
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:24,800
Speaker 2: set goals, and compete on leaderboards and in challenges. Points

591
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,560
Speaker 2: may be redeemed for give cards to brands or for.

592
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:28,840
Speaker 3: Other exclusive perks.

593
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:30,760
Speaker 2: I just took a look at my app and I

594
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,800
Speaker 2: have the opportunity to get gift cards to places like Nike,

595
00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 2: Fury or Lululemon just because I took the time to

596
00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 2: invest in myself.

597
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:41,120
Speaker 3: That's pretty awesome.

598
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 2: Head on over to hurdle dot receipts dot x Y

599
00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:47,760
Speaker 2: z Again, that is h u r d l E

600
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,520
Speaker 2: dot r e c e I p t s dot

601
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:55,880
Speaker 2: x y z today to download the app and start

602
00:31:55,920 --> 00:32:00,160
Speaker 2: having fun immediately. Again, that is receipts dot x y

603
00:32:00,240 --> 00:33:22,360
Speaker 2: z code hurdle to download today. Now. Another lesson that

604
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:27,000
Speaker 2: you learned is let each other evolve. That can be

605
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 2: a little difficult as well, right, because maybe you like

606
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:33,880
Speaker 2: things as they are right now, how do you embrace

607
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:35,240
Speaker 2: this evolution?

608
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,320
Speaker 1: I love that honesty of yours. I think it's just

609
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:41,760
Speaker 1: we have to work with the universe and not against it.

610
00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 1: And the reality is that everything is always changing, right,

611
00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:50,440
Speaker 1: Everything is changing at the atomic, the biological level, the

612
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:53,440
Speaker 1: cosmological level, and that means that we are changing, like

613
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:57,360
Speaker 1: we're changing human beings. And when you take that to

614
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:00,400
Speaker 1: your personal life, that means that whenever you met your

615
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 1: partner and you initially had that magnetic attraction towards them,

616
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:07,640
Speaker 1: that person is literally in the past, like that person

617
00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:10,480
Speaker 1: doesn't exist anymore. So the person that you're seeing now

618
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:15,359
Speaker 1: does spring from that initial moment, but they're not exactly

619
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,040
Speaker 1: the same. Their preferences are going to evolve over time.

620
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:20,360
Speaker 1: How you know, especially if you've been together for decades,

621
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:22,120
Speaker 1: the way they look is going to change over time,

622
00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:28,680
Speaker 1: and I think it's actually beautiful to appreciate the fact

623
00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:31,600
Speaker 1: that growth and change, like it's change is going to happen,

624
00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:33,600
Speaker 1: so you may as well use it to your benefit

625
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:36,640
Speaker 1: and use it for your growth. But don't think of

626
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:39,560
Speaker 1: yourself at these as these like two static beings like

627
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 1: in your mind. Instead envision yourselves as two rivers that

628
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:48,799
Speaker 1: are choosing to flow alongside each other. That feels much

629
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:52,120
Speaker 1: more appropriate and honestly, much more realistic, because you're going

630
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:55,160
Speaker 1: to change, and I think it's good, like it allows

631
00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:58,080
Speaker 1: that that curiosity and that interest to get your partner

632
00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:00,480
Speaker 1: to get to know them over and over again. It's

633
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,600
Speaker 1: always going to be there because they're They're just not

634
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:03,560
Speaker 1: going to be the same.

635
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:08,000
Speaker 2: And candidly, you probably don't want them to stay the same.

636
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,479
Speaker 2: I mean, I know that there are moments in any

637
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:14,440
Speaker 2: relationship where you feel as though you're holding on to

638
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:20,760
Speaker 2: something that was from years, months, weeks, whatever it is ago, right,

639
00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:24,400
Speaker 2: and I've been there, I understand. But the reality is

640
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:27,600
Speaker 2: that as the world changed, like you said, we change,

641
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:31,320
Speaker 2: and so you want someone that is evolving and growing

642
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:34,120
Speaker 2: with time, just as you want to evolve.

643
00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:37,520
Speaker 1: And grow with time totally. And you imagine if you're, like,

644
00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:40,719
Speaker 1: you know, in a long relationship and the person that

645
00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:45,080
Speaker 1: you're with is still acting like they're twenty five, you know,

646
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:49,480
Speaker 1: when you're like forty, and it's like you're going to change.

647
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:53,000
Speaker 1: And I think that's just honestly, and really I enjoy

648
00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:55,880
Speaker 1: that aspect of relationship and even with friendships, even with

649
00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:58,080
Speaker 1: my parents, Like even my parents like who they were

650
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,840
Speaker 1: when they were raising me, Like they're just such different

651
00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:06,320
Speaker 1: human beings now, and I think that's awesome because we're

652
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:11,280
Speaker 1: evolving together and like that always sparks this like newness

653
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:14,759
Speaker 1: and conversation where like tell me your thoughts, Like tell

654
00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 1: me what you're thinking about X, Y and Z this

655
00:36:17,239 --> 00:36:20,000
Speaker 1: political moment or this TV show or whatever it is,

656
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:23,200
Speaker 1: because their views are not always going to be exactly

657
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:25,399
Speaker 1: the same and I could learn something from them.

658
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:28,839
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really interesting when you segue into having an

659
00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,640
Speaker 2: adult relationship with your parents.

660
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:33,840
Speaker 3: Versus when you had when you were younger.

661
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:37,600
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, I know, being like almost peers with them,

662
00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 1: except like they're always your parents. But it is really

663
00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:44,040
Speaker 1: strange and it's funny because even with my dad, we

664
00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:46,919
Speaker 1: were celebrating his birthday the other day, and I'm talking

665
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:49,200
Speaker 1: to my wife and I'm like, he's my boy, Like

666
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:51,080
Speaker 1: I just love this guy, you know, he's my boy,

667
00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:53,600
Speaker 1: Like I.

668
00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:56,479
Speaker 3: Oh, dad, Dad.

669
00:36:57,560 --> 00:36:59,920
Speaker 2: I was thinking as we were saying here about like

670
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:02,200
Speaker 2: you don't want to be with someone that's acting like

671
00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:05,360
Speaker 2: they're twenty five when you're forty, and then kind of

672
00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 2: bringing it into this lens of personal growth and personal development, right,

673
00:37:09,239 --> 00:37:12,040
Speaker 2: because I think that that is a really interesting point

674
00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:14,680
Speaker 2: to make about where someone might be on their own

675
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:18,000
Speaker 2: individual journey. If you are still looking at things through

676
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:20,520
Speaker 2: the lens of being twenty five when you were in

677
00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:26,879
Speaker 2: your mid thirties, that's problematic. It's blatant disregard to your

678
00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:28,040
Speaker 2: own evolution.

679
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:31,839
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think it's very like I also want

680
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:35,600
Speaker 1: to parse it right where I think it is really

681
00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:40,399
Speaker 1: important to maintain like a youthful curiosity with the world

682
00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:41,920
Speaker 1: where you want to be humble and you want to

683
00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:44,799
Speaker 1: learn and you want to absorb and just like you know,

684
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,200
Speaker 1: have a deep understanding that you don't know everything. But

685
00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:53,240
Speaker 1: at the same time, like times change, and I remember

686
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:56,200
Speaker 1: the person who I was when I was in college

687
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:58,759
Speaker 1: versus someone who, you know, when I was in my

688
00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:02,040
Speaker 1: mid twenties living in New York City to who I

689
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 1: am now, you know, in my mid thirties, Like it

690
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:11,279
Speaker 1: feels like there is just more and more responsibility coming

691
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:14,319
Speaker 1: on my plate, where Like who I was for my

692
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:16,560
Speaker 1: family when I was in my mid twenties is just

693
00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:19,480
Speaker 1: so different for who I am now in my mid thirties,

694
00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:23,880
Speaker 1: and I'm you know, helping like oversee the family, helping

695
00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:27,239
Speaker 1: with family decisions and things like that. And I think

696
00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:32,279
Speaker 1: stepping into that type of sort of personal responsibility also

697
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:37,319
Speaker 1: is the same skill that you'll need to be able

698
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:40,960
Speaker 1: to accept the responsibility of a relationship. So as you mature,

699
00:38:41,239 --> 00:38:43,880
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, like I really I really care for

700
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:47,000
Speaker 1: my partner and I'm not just going to like you know,

701
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:49,480
Speaker 1: ghost them or bounce, you know, like I'm going to

702
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:52,440
Speaker 1: be there to do my best to fulfill the commitments

703
00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:53,399
Speaker 1: that we agreed upon.

704
00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:57,080
Speaker 2: And this really circles the next thing that you've learned

705
00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:59,239
Speaker 2: in your eight years of marriage, which is that the

706
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:04,760
Speaker 2: truth brings you closer together acknowledging what is foundationally, whether

707
00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:08,120
Speaker 2: you're talking about personal development, a problem you're trying to

708
00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:11,919
Speaker 2: solve with your job, or a dynamic within your relationship.

709
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:14,560
Speaker 2: That truth and meeting yourself with where you're at is

710
00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:16,400
Speaker 2: absolutely critical.

711
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:23,040
Speaker 1: It's so important. It's really valuable to understand that dishonesty

712
00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:27,800
Speaker 1: creates distance, and that can be between you and yourself.

713
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:31,160
Speaker 1: If you're dishonest with yourself, then you're developing distance. You're

714
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:35,040
Speaker 1: literally disconnecting from yourself. If you are being dishonest with

715
00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:38,560
Speaker 1: your partner, then that's creating a big gulf of space

716
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:42,040
Speaker 1: between the two of you. So I think doubling down

717
00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:45,320
Speaker 1: on honesty even when it's difficult, Even when being honest

718
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:48,759
Speaker 1: is going to require hard conversations afterwards, and it's going

719
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:54,479
Speaker 1: to require forgiveness resolution, it still is valuable to move

720
00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:58,560
Speaker 1: forward with honesty because then you have the opportunity for

721
00:39:58,640 --> 00:40:00,000
Speaker 1: the deepest connection possible.

722
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:04,320
Speaker 2: The hard conversations foundationally, they can be scary for many.

723
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:09,120
Speaker 2: Is there an approach or a framework that you recommend

724
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:12,040
Speaker 2: for individuals to sit down and have some of these

725
00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:14,160
Speaker 2: difficult conversations.

726
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:17,960
Speaker 1: When you're moving into a conversation, you want to do

727
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:22,840
Speaker 1: your best to strive for understanding as opposed to winning.

728
00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:25,000
Speaker 1: I think this is like a key error that a

729
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:28,200
Speaker 1: lot of us make because of our sort of like survivalist,

730
00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:32,399
Speaker 1: defensive natures where we go into an argument and we're

731
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:34,440
Speaker 1: trying to win. We're trying to dominate the narrative. We're

732
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:37,319
Speaker 1: trying to make sure that we have no blame and

733
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:39,879
Speaker 1: that it's all the other person's fault. But when you're

734
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 1: both trying to win the argument, you're actually both losing.

735
00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:46,920
Speaker 1: And even if one person relents and one person dominates

736
00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:50,279
Speaker 1: the narrative, it still becomes a situation where you're trying

737
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,360
Speaker 1: to gain power over another. It's a much better and

738
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:58,680
Speaker 1: much more efficient tactic to try to understand each other.

739
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:02,759
Speaker 1: If you're having an argument, take time to listen to

740
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:06,960
Speaker 1: each other selflessly, to really be able to step outside

741
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:09,080
Speaker 1: of your own perspective, and as your partner gives you

742
00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:13,480
Speaker 1: their perspective, you're doing your best to not think about

743
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:14,680
Speaker 1: what you want to say to them, but you're just

744
00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:18,040
Speaker 1: trying to receive to fully try to understand where they're

745
00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:20,680
Speaker 1: coming from. And then they should give you that same

746
00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:24,080
Speaker 1: opportunity to tell your story and how this series of

747
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:29,759
Speaker 1: events moved for you. And you'll see that as you

748
00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:34,000
Speaker 1: listen to each other's stories and you can better sense

749
00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:37,360
Speaker 1: like where they're coming from, and that understanding grows that

750
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:41,279
Speaker 1: it's easier for that tension to just melt away. And

751
00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:44,440
Speaker 1: I love what tik not Hans said. He wrote, once

752
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:48,920
Speaker 1: love is understanding, and I really feel like it's just

753
00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:51,279
Speaker 1: it could not be more true. You know, when you

754
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:55,880
Speaker 1: fully understand someone, you don't have a feeling to fight them.

755
00:41:56,239 --> 00:41:56,520
Speaker 3: Yeah.

756
00:41:56,600 --> 00:41:59,200
Speaker 2: I really appreciate these sentiments, and I loved what you

757
00:41:59,239 --> 00:42:02,520
Speaker 2: wrote about this in the book on the different strategies

758
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,919
Speaker 2: that you use to communicate during a disagreement. Another one

759
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:09,360
Speaker 2: that you articulated was remembering that your partner.

760
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:10,800
Speaker 3: Is not your enemy.

761
00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:13,480
Speaker 2: Have our conversation on the defense, but if you walk

762
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:16,920
Speaker 2: into it with an understanding that the goal is for

763
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:20,319
Speaker 2: you too to be okay and whole, then you get

764
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:23,600
Speaker 2: a little bit more neutral and where your footing is totally.

765
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:29,200
Speaker 1: We fall into survivalist tactics so quickly, and we forget

766
00:42:29,239 --> 00:42:32,040
Speaker 1: that the person that we're arguing with, like is not

767
00:42:32,120 --> 00:42:34,480
Speaker 1: only the love of our life, it's our best friend,

768
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:37,279
Speaker 1: it's your really cool roommate. It's like, you know, you

769
00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:40,920
Speaker 1: love this person is amazing, and you're totally forgetting that

770
00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:44,320
Speaker 1: because you're in the heat of the moment and checking

771
00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:46,600
Speaker 1: in with yourself and reminding yourself, like, oh, Wait, this

772
00:42:46,719 --> 00:42:50,520
Speaker 1: is actually someone very dear to me and we're having

773
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:54,439
Speaker 1: a disagreement. But let's talk about it with calmness, Let's

774
00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:56,720
Speaker 1: talk about it with clarity. Let me try my best

775
00:42:56,760 --> 00:43:03,040
Speaker 1: to make sure that I I am speaking my truth

776
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:08,279
Speaker 1: while simultaneously doing my part to resolve this argument as

777
00:43:08,280 --> 00:43:09,880
Speaker 1: opposed to just making it worse and worse.

778
00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:13,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, and this, just like the lessons that we spoke

779
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:18,279
Speaker 2: about from your marriage, these recommendations are also so applicable

780
00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:21,360
Speaker 2: beyond the conversations that you might have with a partner

781
00:43:21,520 --> 00:43:24,520
Speaker 2: or even yourself. Right when I talk or think about

782
00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:31,200
Speaker 2: the most successful conversations emails ways that I have conducted

783
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:35,280
Speaker 2: business over the last eight years of being a solopreneur.

784
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:41,040
Speaker 2: Approaching a conversation knowing that the victory is not winning,

785
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:44,839
Speaker 2: but the understanding is changed, the way that I am

786
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:45,680
Speaker 2: able to operate.

787
00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:48,799
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I know it's and I'm with you

788
00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:51,560
Speaker 1: like it. When it started dawning on me, like how

789
00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:54,480
Speaker 1: unskillful it was to try to win everything, but instead

790
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:58,440
Speaker 1: to try to understand and build bonds. That's made me,

791
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:02,520
Speaker 1: you know, whenever I'm now people who have very different

792
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:07,400
Speaker 1: views than what I have. Instead of wanting to argue.

793
00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:13,279
Speaker 1: My new default is to say tell me more, right,

794
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,360
Speaker 1: like tell me more like, explain to me more like

795
00:44:15,440 --> 00:44:18,600
Speaker 1: how you're getting to this point, because it's out of

796
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:21,320
Speaker 1: sheer curiosity, like I don't you know, even if I

797
00:44:21,360 --> 00:44:24,120
Speaker 1: don't agree, I'm so curious about how you got there.

798
00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:27,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I mean it makes me think of, for instance,

799
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:31,399
Speaker 2: if there's a brand that reaches out to me and

800
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:34,000
Speaker 2: wants to do an event and then two weeks later

801
00:44:34,239 --> 00:44:35,920
Speaker 2: the event is off the table and it's not of

802
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:39,319
Speaker 2: their interest. It could be understandable that someone in my

803
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:44,600
Speaker 2: physician may get frustrated, feel insecure, wonder is it something

804
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:47,560
Speaker 2: to do with me? But then instead of acting on

805
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:51,600
Speaker 2: those thoughts and perhaps the feelings that they trigger, I

806
00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:56,120
Speaker 2: come with that approach of understanding and simply ask questions.

807
00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:59,440
Speaker 2: I will be in a better situation moving forward because

808
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 2: that means that that relationship is not off of the table,

809
00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:05,680
Speaker 2: and that is something that takes the reps, as you

810
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:08,720
Speaker 2: so eloquently put before, to get to a place where

811
00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:12,280
Speaker 2: that is the default, where the understanding is the default.

812
00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:15,200
Speaker 1: I love that so much too, because you're pointing at

813
00:45:15,239 --> 00:45:19,759
Speaker 1: this thing where it's like it's like quietly pleasurable to

814
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:22,800
Speaker 1: just burn a bridge, and it's just like as opposed

815
00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:25,719
Speaker 1: to just like, you know, being the bigger person. Let

816
00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:27,520
Speaker 1: me try to be understanding, let me try to figure

817
00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:29,640
Speaker 1: out how can we like work together in the future.

818
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:31,000
Speaker 1: But I love that you're pointing that out.

819
00:45:32,360 --> 00:45:35,960
Speaker 3: It is quietly pleasurable to burn the bridge. But in

820
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:38,239
Speaker 3: the long term, let me tell you, it's better not to,

821
00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:42,440
Speaker 3: better not to. It's definitely better. It's definitely better not

822
00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:43,239
Speaker 3: to now.

823
00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:45,800
Speaker 2: Of course, I would be remiss if we didn't talk

824
00:45:45,840 --> 00:45:49,600
Speaker 2: a little bit about dating, something you cover very well

825
00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:51,479
Speaker 2: in the book. One of the things that I really

826
00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:54,480
Speaker 2: appreciated in the book was the way that you articulate

827
00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:58,040
Speaker 2: the different red and green flags when it comes to dating,

828
00:45:58,040 --> 00:46:01,759
Speaker 2: and again applicable both Yeah, within dating as well as

829
00:46:01,960 --> 00:46:03,719
Speaker 2: relationships beyond those.

830
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:04,560
Speaker 3: That are romantic.

831
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:07,240
Speaker 2: Some of the red flags all go through them pretending

832
00:46:07,320 --> 00:46:10,279
Speaker 2: to know everything. It's hard to learn anything about them

833
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:14,959
Speaker 2: not being honest with themselves, no accountability, and making things

834
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:19,080
Speaker 2: good for themselves, but not you. The making things good

835
00:46:19,239 --> 00:46:22,759
Speaker 2: for themselves and not you. Let's talk about that.

836
00:46:23,239 --> 00:46:26,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think, even especially if that's how something is starting,

837
00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:30,279
Speaker 1: you know that there isn't like already the beginnings of

838
00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:33,440
Speaker 1: care where it's like, you know, what's an ideal place

839
00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:34,960
Speaker 1: for the two of us to meet for the both

840
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:37,479
Speaker 1: of us, or you know, what do you want to eat?

841
00:46:37,640 --> 00:46:41,399
Speaker 1: Or you know, just making sure that both people are

842
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:45,800
Speaker 1: feeling seen from the beginning. That's one of the loveliest questions,

843
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:47,799
Speaker 1: like even from friends, is this good for you? Like

844
00:46:48,040 --> 00:46:50,080
Speaker 1: do you do you like this restaurant that we picked?

845
00:46:50,120 --> 00:46:52,880
Speaker 1: Do you like you know? Our like our plan? Do

846
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:55,640
Speaker 1: you feel good about it? Because then it's like you're

847
00:46:56,680 --> 00:47:00,400
Speaker 1: you know, you're both just like openly just naming. Okay,

848
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:03,719
Speaker 1: we can step forward together, and you need those type

849
00:47:03,760 --> 00:47:05,759
Speaker 1: of little check ins to just see if people are

850
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:06,600
Speaker 1: on the same page.

851
00:47:06,880 --> 00:47:08,880
Speaker 3: Check ins are a through line of this conversation.

852
00:47:09,239 --> 00:47:11,760
Speaker 2: Something else that I listed, it's hard to learn anything

853
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:14,399
Speaker 2: about them. I feel like this is something that's very

854
00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:19,000
Speaker 2: important to stress because oftentimes you can get into a

855
00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:23,360
Speaker 2: situation with someone where you think you really like them,

856
00:47:23,680 --> 00:47:25,920
Speaker 2: but then you ask yourself, what do I even know

857
00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:30,319
Speaker 2: about them? And realize that it's the idea of this

858
00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:34,080
Speaker 2: person and not so much the person themselves.

859
00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:36,040
Speaker 3: What do you do when you get to that place?

860
00:47:37,360 --> 00:47:41,000
Speaker 1: You know, it's really interesting because you want to try

861
00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:47,319
Speaker 1: to find these moments where you are both sort of

862
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:51,879
Speaker 1: equally asking and answering questions about yourselves so that you're

863
00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:56,160
Speaker 1: painting a fuller and fuller picture. And if it's too

864
00:47:56,320 --> 00:47:58,759
Speaker 1: one sided where only one person is asking all the

865
00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:02,120
Speaker 1: questions or well, you know, like you don't want to

866
00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:05,520
Speaker 1: fall into that type of situation because then you may

867
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:09,280
Speaker 1: just like, if you're the person who always asks the questions,

868
00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:12,160
Speaker 1: you may be hiding behind the questions because you don't

869
00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:16,280
Speaker 1: want to talk about yourself. So finding that equal balance

870
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:19,440
Speaker 1: playing field is just going to make it so that

871
00:48:20,040 --> 00:48:22,600
Speaker 1: there's less and less of a mystery there, because you

872
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,800
Speaker 1: don't want to be building a relationship with a mystery.

873
00:48:25,840 --> 00:48:27,640
Speaker 1: You want to you know, you eventually want to meet

874
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:30,399
Speaker 1: their friends. You want to know what they do for work.

875
00:48:30,440 --> 00:48:33,719
Speaker 1: You want to have clarity so that you are building

876
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:37,840
Speaker 1: a realistic mental map of their life and seeing if

877
00:48:38,640 --> 00:48:42,719
Speaker 1: these mental maps can come together and interlock, because you

878
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:44,799
Speaker 1: have your own idea of your own life, but do

879
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:45,760
Speaker 1: they really fit together.

880
00:48:46,280 --> 00:48:49,640
Speaker 2: I appreciate this also in the context of friendships. Right

881
00:48:49,800 --> 00:48:52,839
Speaker 2: if you're in a friendship and you're realizing that it

882
00:48:53,000 --> 00:48:58,399
Speaker 2: is heavily weighted on one person situation versus the other.

883
00:48:58,760 --> 00:49:02,360
Speaker 2: Then you have to be realistic about what's the purpose

884
00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:06,920
Speaker 2: of this relationship in your life, because not every friendship

885
00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:10,080
Speaker 2: is going to necessarily be fifty to fifty. But you

886
00:49:10,160 --> 00:49:13,200
Speaker 2: do have to ask yourself what am I seeking and

887
00:49:13,520 --> 00:49:16,560
Speaker 2: what feels good for insert your name here.

888
00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:18,880
Speaker 1: I know, and a lot of times you need to

889
00:49:19,200 --> 00:49:21,200
Speaker 1: kind of check in with yourself and see if, like,

890
00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:24,799
Speaker 1: is this a relationship that's you know, good for my

891
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:28,040
Speaker 1: nervous system, like it does it actually feel good to

892
00:49:28,080 --> 00:49:30,439
Speaker 1: be around this new friend? Like can I really put

893
00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:32,920
Speaker 1: my guard down? Can I be myself? Do are they

894
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:36,000
Speaker 1: like expecting me to be a very specific version of myself?

895
00:49:36,239 --> 00:49:39,680
Speaker 1: Or can I just be however I feel? And that's

896
00:49:39,680 --> 00:49:41,920
Speaker 1: when you really know, like cause I think sometimes like

897
00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:46,840
Speaker 1: you don't want to expect every single friendship of yours

898
00:49:46,880 --> 00:49:50,000
Speaker 1: to be the deepest friendship ever, right, Like, not everyone's

899
00:49:50,040 --> 00:49:52,680
Speaker 1: going to be your best friend. And sometimes you have

900
00:49:52,760 --> 00:49:55,960
Speaker 1: like lighter connections where people that you enjoy hanging out

901
00:49:56,000 --> 00:49:58,319
Speaker 1: with and you're truthful with them. But then there are

902
00:49:58,360 --> 00:50:02,839
Speaker 1: other people who you can like fully be yourself with

903
00:50:02,960 --> 00:50:06,319
Speaker 1: and show them a wide range of your character. And

904
00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:10,440
Speaker 1: I think in those really special instances. You know that

905
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:14,400
Speaker 1: someone is really important to you when you can feel

906
00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:18,000
Speaker 1: the immediate relaxation when you're in their presence.

907
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:19,880
Speaker 3: Oh, it's so true.

908
00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:24,520
Speaker 2: And I also feel as though there's an importance of

909
00:50:25,200 --> 00:50:30,759
Speaker 2: being okay with having those different types of relationships in

910
00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:35,759
Speaker 2: different times of your life. You might be in a

911
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:41,280
Speaker 2: season right now where you really only want to spend

912
00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:46,239
Speaker 2: time appreciate those really deep, I can let my guard

913
00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:51,360
Speaker 2: down relationships. That doesn't mean that other people aren't important,

914
00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:55,560
Speaker 2: it's just that right now, those types of less deep,

915
00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:59,040
Speaker 2: more surface level connections aren't the kind of connections that

916
00:50:59,040 --> 00:51:02,280
Speaker 2: you're seeking or that you feel like really serve you totally.

917
00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:06,080
Speaker 1: And you'll find too that oftentimes you end up, like

918
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:08,239
Speaker 1: I keep seeing that in my own life, where I

919
00:51:08,360 --> 00:51:13,160
Speaker 1: end up developing newer friendships with people who I have

920
00:51:13,239 --> 00:51:15,920
Speaker 1: something to learn from, you know, where where it's like

921
00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:18,440
Speaker 1: they either they I know, my wife and I are

922
00:51:18,440 --> 00:51:20,759
Speaker 1: moving into this chapter where we might have kids, and

923
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:23,160
Speaker 1: we've been really thinking about it. So I've been you know,

924
00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:26,600
Speaker 1: around around more dads, like you know, people who are

925
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:29,880
Speaker 1: around my age, and and just like asking them mad

926
00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:33,480
Speaker 1: questions like what's it, because it's it's like, who knows

927
00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:36,080
Speaker 1: what the future will hold for us, But it's interesting

928
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:40,800
Speaker 1: how friendships will just connect you with people that will

929
00:51:41,120 --> 00:51:43,960
Speaker 1: give you a little peek into what your future evolution

930
00:51:44,080 --> 00:51:44,600
Speaker 1: might look like.

931
00:51:45,360 --> 00:51:48,560
Speaker 3: M what other questions are you asking the dads diego?

932
00:51:50,320 --> 00:51:51,120
Speaker 1: Can they manage?

933
00:51:52,040 --> 00:51:53,040
Speaker 3: How do they do it?

934
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:55,719
Speaker 1: I know, I know, it looks like chaos.

935
00:51:56,600 --> 00:51:57,600
Speaker 3: It looks like chaos.

936
00:51:57,600 --> 00:52:00,520
Speaker 2: It's some of the green flags that you address in

937
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:04,680
Speaker 2: the book when it comes to dating listening with calm enjoyment.

938
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:06,960
Speaker 2: I could list these, but I need to start with

939
00:52:07,000 --> 00:52:09,279
Speaker 2: the calm enjoyment and marinate on that because I think

940
00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:13,960
Speaker 2: that is such a beautiful way to put the goodness

941
00:52:13,960 --> 00:52:17,200
Speaker 2: that can come from a conversation that two people are

942
00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:18,560
Speaker 2: truly present in.

943
00:52:19,120 --> 00:52:23,879
Speaker 1: I know, I know, I think. And it's hard because everybody,

944
00:52:24,320 --> 00:52:26,440
Speaker 1: like not everybody, but I would say like ninety percent

945
00:52:26,440 --> 00:52:31,240
Speaker 1: of people like love talking about themselves, right, And sometimes

946
00:52:31,239 --> 00:52:35,759
Speaker 1: you're in a conversation and like you can feel the

947
00:52:35,840 --> 00:52:40,279
Speaker 1: craving to talk about yourself. And that's why this sort

948
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:43,400
Speaker 1: of line about calm enjoyment, to listen with common enjoyment,

949
00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:49,000
Speaker 1: where you are equally interested to just hear this person's story,

950
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:51,440
Speaker 1: to just hear where they're coming from and you get

951
00:52:51,760 --> 00:52:55,520
Speaker 1: joy from listening to them. That's a really good sign

952
00:52:55,600 --> 00:52:59,960
Speaker 1: because they're so interesting to you and so not just magnetic,

953
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:04,040
Speaker 1: but that you feel like they're well rounded in that like, wow,

954
00:53:04,080 --> 00:53:07,200
Speaker 1: they're really peaking your curiosity to me, that's like, that's

955
00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:08,160
Speaker 1: that's a great sign.

956
00:53:08,600 --> 00:53:09,640
Speaker 3: It's such a good sign.

957
00:53:09,760 --> 00:53:12,800
Speaker 2: And when I think about the individuals in my life

958
00:53:12,840 --> 00:53:17,359
Speaker 2: that I would say truly listen actively and with that

959
00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:21,480
Speaker 2: sense of calm enjoyment, I would also draw a parallel

960
00:53:21,840 --> 00:53:26,959
Speaker 2: to the fact that they are really invested in their

961
00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:31,120
Speaker 2: own personal betterment, they also are people that are no

962
00:53:31,239 --> 00:53:34,800
Speaker 2: strangers to things like meditation and breath work and going

963
00:53:34,840 --> 00:53:37,640
Speaker 2: within and so this really resonates with me.

964
00:53:38,719 --> 00:53:41,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you like, like we mentioned before, I mean

965
00:53:42,040 --> 00:53:45,320
Speaker 1: the presence that you develop with yourself, like to be

966
00:53:45,520 --> 00:53:48,760
Speaker 1: with yourself, to be able to like literally be okay

967
00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:52,240
Speaker 1: with closing your eyes and just feeling what's happening inside

968
00:53:52,280 --> 00:53:56,839
Speaker 1: of you and knowing your own history. That builds that

969
00:53:56,960 --> 00:54:00,279
Speaker 1: quality that you can then you know, give to another

970
00:54:00,360 --> 00:54:02,840
Speaker 1: person and be able to listen to them, to be

971
00:54:02,840 --> 00:54:05,920
Speaker 1: able to really hold space for them while they're sharing

972
00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:09,719
Speaker 1: their journey with you. These two things are very intrinsically connected.

973
00:54:10,120 --> 00:54:10,640
Speaker 3: Definitely.

974
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:13,640
Speaker 2: You also highlight kind of along the same vein here

975
00:54:13,880 --> 00:54:18,239
Speaker 2: the energy is reciprocal willingness to be vulnerable. I love

976
00:54:18,320 --> 00:54:22,280
Speaker 2: this one. They feel joy when you're happy. It seems

977
00:54:22,320 --> 00:54:26,320
Speaker 2: like such a simple thing, right, that the people around

978
00:54:26,360 --> 00:54:28,680
Speaker 2: you will be happy for you when you're happy.

979
00:54:29,040 --> 00:54:31,879
Speaker 3: But it isn't so easy in practice.

980
00:54:32,000 --> 00:54:37,160
Speaker 1: Why is that, I think because of craving. Honestly, craving

981
00:54:37,239 --> 00:54:38,920
Speaker 1: is really hard, and I think that's one of the

982
00:54:39,600 --> 00:54:42,719
Speaker 1: big things that I've noticed in myself that I have

983
00:54:42,800 --> 00:54:46,840
Speaker 1: been actively working on for years, is when I see

984
00:54:47,640 --> 00:54:51,719
Speaker 1: the success of another this is not a time to

985
00:54:51,760 --> 00:54:55,080
Speaker 1: feel jealousy. This is a time to feel sympathetic joy

986
00:54:55,120 --> 00:54:58,000
Speaker 1: for them. You know, they've worked hard, they got to

987
00:54:58,000 --> 00:55:01,560
Speaker 1: this point, they're having a fantastic moment, and celebrate them,

988
00:55:01,880 --> 00:55:05,040
Speaker 1: be happy for them. And you find the same thing

989
00:55:05,280 --> 00:55:09,960
Speaker 1: in you know, friendships where one person may be excelling,

990
00:55:10,120 --> 00:55:13,040
Speaker 1: you know, in their home life or romantic life, or

991
00:55:13,080 --> 00:55:16,440
Speaker 1: their work life, and you may feel the pangs of jealousy,

992
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:19,480
Speaker 1: but you know that the connection between these two people

993
00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:23,440
Speaker 1: is so deep. When you see your best friend and

994
00:55:23,480 --> 00:55:27,520
Speaker 1: they're having a big victory and you don't feel any jealousy. Instead,

995
00:55:27,520 --> 00:55:29,680
Speaker 1: you just feel joy for them. You're like, wow, this

996
00:55:29,880 --> 00:55:34,520
Speaker 1: is so amazing. And simultaneously, in romantic relationships, you know,

997
00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:36,280
Speaker 1: you don't want to be in competition with your partner.

998
00:55:36,400 --> 00:55:38,440
Speaker 1: You want to celebrate them because they're awesome.

999
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:39,320
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1000
00:55:39,480 --> 00:55:43,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so important and certainly something that I've navigated personally.

1001
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:46,440
Speaker 2: I'm sure that you have as well at times. And

1002
00:55:46,520 --> 00:55:50,919
Speaker 2: so for those that may see this within their relationships, again,

1003
00:55:50,960 --> 00:55:54,600
Speaker 2: whether they be platonic or otherwise, is there a way

1004
00:55:54,680 --> 00:56:00,000
Speaker 2: to articulate that that happiness would be really important to you?

1005
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:03,160
Speaker 1: I think it's I think, you know, being honest and

1006
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:06,560
Speaker 1: open and just saying like, I would love to have

1007
00:56:06,600 --> 00:56:09,680
Speaker 1: a partner that feels a lot of sympathetic joy. You know,

1008
00:56:09,840 --> 00:56:11,879
Speaker 1: I want to be able to celebrate them when they

1009
00:56:11,880 --> 00:56:14,200
Speaker 1: have victories, and I would like for them to be

1010
00:56:14,200 --> 00:56:17,080
Speaker 1: able to celebrate me too. I think being open like that,

1011
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:19,200
Speaker 1: you know, you're putting your cars on the table, And

1012
00:56:19,239 --> 00:56:21,839
Speaker 1: I feel like this's this sort of next wave of

1013
00:56:21,880 --> 00:56:24,279
Speaker 1: relationships over the coming years, it's going to be much

1014
00:56:24,320 --> 00:56:27,920
Speaker 1: more about being direct, being clear, like how do this

1015
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:30,200
Speaker 1: is how I want my happiness to be supported? And

1016
00:56:30,280 --> 00:56:33,000
Speaker 1: this is what I can offer to you, and you know,

1017
00:56:33,040 --> 00:56:34,279
Speaker 1: there being no mystery there.

1018
00:56:35,120 --> 00:56:38,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, the last green flag that you articulate. They are

1019
00:56:38,200 --> 00:56:43,080
Speaker 2: actively working on developing new qualities. Why is that important

1020
00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:45,320
Speaker 2: in any relationship?

1021
00:56:46,239 --> 00:56:48,200
Speaker 1: I think that's one of the coolest things. Is like

1022
00:56:49,200 --> 00:56:52,400
Speaker 1: when you come across a new friend or you're dating

1023
00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:56,400
Speaker 1: or just like interacting with someone and as soon as

1024
00:56:56,400 --> 00:56:57,920
Speaker 1: you start going a little deep and you're like, what

1025
00:56:57,920 --> 00:57:00,160
Speaker 1: are you working on? You know, like internally, like what

1026
00:57:00,160 --> 00:57:02,360
Speaker 1: what's like been sort of taking your mind? Where what

1027
00:57:02,400 --> 00:57:05,880
Speaker 1: are you putting your energy into? And I love hearing

1028
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:08,839
Speaker 1: when you know people are just like, I'm working on,

1029
00:57:09,239 --> 00:57:12,200
Speaker 1: you know, being more self aware. I'm working on, you know,

1030
00:57:12,600 --> 00:57:15,840
Speaker 1: trying not to react. I'm really working on pausing right now.

1031
00:57:15,920 --> 00:57:20,120
Speaker 1: And when you know, especially if you're dating and you're

1032
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:22,520
Speaker 1: actively looking for a partner and asking them like, what

1033
00:57:22,520 --> 00:57:25,280
Speaker 1: are you working on internally and they give you an

1034
00:57:25,320 --> 00:57:29,240
Speaker 1: answer that's meaningful and real, that shows you that this

1035
00:57:29,360 --> 00:57:32,680
Speaker 1: is an individual who of course they're not perfect, but

1036
00:57:32,880 --> 00:57:35,959
Speaker 1: at least they have the strength to grow. Like that

1037
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:37,040
Speaker 1: is enough.

1038
00:57:37,920 --> 00:57:39,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, It's definitely enough.

1039
00:57:39,320 --> 00:57:39,440
Speaker 1: You know.

1040
00:57:39,480 --> 00:57:42,400
Speaker 2: We're recording this close to the top of twenty twenty

1041
00:57:42,440 --> 00:57:47,080
Speaker 2: five and something that I often converse about with friends, peers, colleagues,

1042
00:57:47,120 --> 00:57:50,480
Speaker 2: whomever at this time of year is what the word

1043
00:57:50,760 --> 00:57:54,600
Speaker 2: is for the year? What is the intention that you're setting?

1044
00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:56,760
Speaker 2: What is it that you want to walk through the

1045
00:57:56,800 --> 00:58:01,000
Speaker 2: next twelve months with? I ask this question to you

1046
00:58:01,040 --> 00:58:03,760
Speaker 2: reflecting on what you just said, knowing that every one

1047
00:58:03,840 --> 00:58:06,120
Speaker 2: of us, regardless of how much work that you've put in,

1048
00:58:06,800 --> 00:58:11,200
Speaker 2: has something that they're interested in cultivating, evolving, nurturing.

1049
00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:13,880
Speaker 3: So do you go, what's your word for twenty twenty five?

1050
00:58:13,920 --> 00:58:15,680
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, can I Can I slam two of

1051
00:58:15,720 --> 00:58:16,240
Speaker 1: them together?

1052
00:58:16,520 --> 00:58:16,960
Speaker 3: Please?

1053
00:58:17,360 --> 00:58:19,600
Speaker 1: So, as you was thinking, I'm I think I'm trying

1054
00:58:19,600 --> 00:58:23,120
Speaker 1: to develop like healthy resilience, Like I want to have

1055
00:58:23,560 --> 00:58:28,640
Speaker 1: reserves of healthy energy, so that you know, as I'm traveling,

1056
00:58:28,720 --> 00:58:31,600
Speaker 1: as I'm like moving about the world and just like

1057
00:58:31,680 --> 00:58:34,520
Speaker 1: working and whatnot, that I don't feel depleted. Like I

1058
00:58:34,560 --> 00:58:36,760
Speaker 1: don't want to feel like I'm dragging myself from one

1059
00:58:37,440 --> 00:58:40,360
Speaker 1: you know, work objective to another. I want to feel

1060
00:58:40,440 --> 00:58:43,120
Speaker 1: like I'm strong in my body. I've been working all

1061
00:58:43,120 --> 00:58:47,160
Speaker 1: these years on my mind and it's you know, I'm

1062
00:58:47,240 --> 00:58:48,800
Speaker 1: going to continue working on it for the rest of

1063
00:58:48,800 --> 00:58:52,520
Speaker 1: my life. But I can feel the focus now turning

1064
00:58:52,560 --> 00:58:55,040
Speaker 1: into my body and wanting to really just strengthen it.

1065
00:58:55,680 --> 00:58:58,000
Speaker 2: So what I'm hearing you say is that you believe

1066
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:04,760
Speaker 2: the tool that will help you develop healthy resilience is physical.

1067
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:07,280
Speaker 2: In investing in your body, you will get to a

1068
00:59:07,320 --> 00:59:10,480
Speaker 2: place where you feel as though you can continually show

1069
00:59:10,600 --> 00:59:12,160
Speaker 2: up with those reserves that you're after.

1070
00:59:12,840 --> 00:59:16,440
Speaker 1: Absolutely, And I think it started first as mental, like

1071
00:59:16,480 --> 00:59:18,160
Speaker 1: I had to work on my mind. I had to

1072
00:59:18,200 --> 00:59:20,320
Speaker 1: work on my sadness, my anxiety. I had to work

1073
00:59:20,320 --> 00:59:24,480
Speaker 1: on like you know, building non reaction and compassion. And

1074
00:59:24,600 --> 00:59:27,440
Speaker 1: now I feel the lightness of mind that I can

1075
00:59:27,520 --> 00:59:30,000
Speaker 1: really like turn attention to my body and be like, okay,

1076
00:59:30,200 --> 00:59:31,240
Speaker 1: how can we get stronger?

1077
00:59:31,760 --> 00:59:34,360
Speaker 2: I love to hear that. I'm so excited for everything

1078
00:59:34,400 --> 00:59:37,440
Speaker 2: that you're doing right now. What's to come for you?

1079
00:59:37,480 --> 00:59:40,520
Speaker 2: As you sit here? What would you say you're most

1080
00:59:40,520 --> 00:59:41,400
Speaker 2: excited about?

1081
00:59:41,720 --> 00:59:46,120
Speaker 1: Looking forward for this coming year? The tour that I'm

1082
00:59:46,160 --> 00:59:48,160
Speaker 1: going to do that goes along with how to Love Better.

1083
00:59:48,280 --> 00:59:50,200
Speaker 1: I think it's going to be really cool, Like I'm

1084
00:59:50,200 --> 00:59:51,840
Speaker 1: going to do some new cities that I haven't been

1085
00:59:51,840 --> 00:59:55,720
Speaker 1: to before or done events in like Austin and Boulder,

1086
00:59:55,720 --> 00:59:59,360
Speaker 1: Colorado and I also have this twenty day meditation course

1087
00:59:59,440 --> 01:00:01,600
Speaker 1: lined up after the tour and after the book launch

1088
01:00:01,640 --> 01:00:04,000
Speaker 1: that I'm super excited about. I can't wait to go

1089
01:00:04,040 --> 01:00:05,040
Speaker 1: meditate for twenty days.

1090
01:00:06,640 --> 01:00:08,320
Speaker 3: Your excitement is contagious. I know.

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01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:12,080
Speaker 2: In our last conversation we talked foundationally about ways that

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01:00:12,120 --> 01:00:16,360
Speaker 2: someone can begin integrating a meditation practice into their routine.

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01:00:16,400 --> 01:00:18,840
Speaker 2: So I'll make sure to link that in the show notes.

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01:00:18,880 --> 01:00:21,360
Speaker 2: But thank you so much for your time today. For

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01:00:21,440 --> 01:00:24,520
Speaker 2: those that aren't following along with you just yet, how

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01:00:24,520 --> 01:00:25,400
Speaker 2: do they keep up with you?

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01:00:25,560 --> 01:00:27,520
Speaker 3: Remind them where they can get the book? Give me

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01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:28,240
Speaker 3: all the details.

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01:00:28,400 --> 01:00:30,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, sure, so you can get How to Love Better

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01:00:31,200 --> 01:00:33,520
Speaker 1: on Amazon. You can get it at Barnes and Nobles

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01:00:33,560 --> 01:00:38,320
Speaker 1: any bookstore. And you can follow me along on Instagram

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01:00:38,360 --> 01:00:43,440
Speaker 1: at Young Pueblo, Yung Underscore pu e Blo. And my

1103
01:00:43,600 --> 01:00:47,480
Speaker 1: new favorite place to write is also substack Young Pueblot

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01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:48,720
Speaker 1: substack dot com.

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01:00:48,960 --> 01:00:50,280
Speaker 3: I love it. I love a substack.

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01:00:50,320 --> 01:00:54,640
Speaker 2: I'm over at Emilybody and at Hurdle Podcast another Hurdle concred.

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01:00:55,000 --> 01:00:56,040
Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time

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01:01:02,160 --> 01:01:02,200
Speaker 1: To