1 00:00:14,916 --> 00:00:33,836 Speaker 1: Pushkin. It's often counterintuitive for people that empathy could be 2 00:00:33,876 --> 00:00:36,996 Speaker 1: more than one thing, like walking in someone else's shoes, 3 00:00:37,156 --> 00:00:40,316 Speaker 1: feeling their pain, caring about them and being kind. And 4 00:00:40,356 --> 00:00:43,156 Speaker 1: people say, how could one word like empathy refer to 5 00:00:43,236 --> 00:00:46,636 Speaker 1: many things? But empathy is the way that other people's 6 00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:50,316 Speaker 1: experiences get into our experiences, and so there should be 7 00:00:50,356 --> 00:00:54,356 Speaker 1: many ways that that happens. That's Jamie Zaki, a professor 8 00:00:54,396 --> 00:00:58,476 Speaker 1: of psychology and an expert on empathy. Jamil is the 9 00:00:58,516 --> 00:01:01,836 Speaker 1: author of the book The War for Kindness, Building Empathy 10 00:01:01,916 --> 00:01:05,156 Speaker 1: in a Fractured World, and he sees empathy as a 11 00:01:05,236 --> 00:01:10,076 Speaker 1: kind of psychological superglue that connects people. Neil says empathy 12 00:01:10,196 --> 00:01:12,476 Speaker 1: is a skill we can cultivate and that we should 13 00:01:12,516 --> 00:01:16,396 Speaker 1: be more intentional about where we focus it. Empathy is 14 00:01:16,436 --> 00:01:19,236 Speaker 1: like a spotlight. The thing that I think is really 15 00:01:19,276 --> 00:01:21,836 Speaker 1: important to remember is that we are the ones pointing 16 00:01:21,876 --> 00:01:26,116 Speaker 1: that spotlight, and that we have agency. We have autonomy 17 00:01:26,476 --> 00:01:30,316 Speaker 1: to align our emotional experiences with the people we want 18 00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:35,356 Speaker 1: to be. On today's episode, a deep dive into the 19 00:01:35,436 --> 00:01:38,836 Speaker 1: science of empathy, the different types, how we can build it, 20 00:01:39,036 --> 00:01:41,676 Speaker 1: and what you can do if you feel things too much. 21 00:01:44,476 --> 00:01:47,116 Speaker 1: I'm Maya Shunker and this is a slight change of plan, 22 00:01:47,796 --> 00:01:49,916 Speaker 1: a show about who we are and who we become 23 00:01:50,156 --> 00:02:01,396 Speaker 1: in the face of a big change. I would love 24 00:02:01,436 --> 00:02:03,996 Speaker 1: to start by hearing about how it is that you 25 00:02:04,076 --> 00:02:07,756 Speaker 1: got interested in the topic of empathy. Yeah. Well, I've 26 00:02:07,756 --> 00:02:10,556 Speaker 1: been interested in this topic since well before I knew 27 00:02:10,596 --> 00:02:14,196 Speaker 1: what the word empathy meant. My parents come from very 28 00:02:14,196 --> 00:02:17,436 Speaker 1: different places. My dad is from Pakistan and my mom 29 00:02:17,556 --> 00:02:21,476 Speaker 1: is from Peru, and they both immigrated to the United 30 00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:23,996 Speaker 1: States when they were about twenty five years old and 31 00:02:24,116 --> 00:02:26,956 Speaker 1: ended up, of all places, in Pullman, Washington, at Washington 32 00:02:26,996 --> 00:02:30,636 Speaker 1: State University, where they met and fell in love. I 33 00:02:30,716 --> 00:02:33,236 Speaker 1: think that they fell in love mostly because they both 34 00:02:33,276 --> 00:02:37,596 Speaker 1: felt out of place in the US as immigrants, as foreigners, 35 00:02:37,756 --> 00:02:40,716 Speaker 1: you know. And I think that they found solace and 36 00:02:40,796 --> 00:02:44,156 Speaker 1: commiseration in each other. But I think as they grew 37 00:02:44,196 --> 00:02:48,236 Speaker 1: acclimated to this country, they realized how little they have 38 00:02:48,316 --> 00:02:51,996 Speaker 1: in common, which is very little, like very little, And 39 00:02:52,036 --> 00:02:54,196 Speaker 1: by the time I was six years old, it was 40 00:02:54,196 --> 00:02:56,276 Speaker 1: clear that it wasn't going to work for them. They 41 00:02:56,316 --> 00:02:58,956 Speaker 1: started divorcing when I was eight, but didn't finish until 42 00:02:58,956 --> 00:03:01,076 Speaker 1: I was twelve, and it was not what you would 43 00:03:01,116 --> 00:03:04,236 Speaker 1: call an amicable split. I'm their only child, and for 44 00:03:04,316 --> 00:03:08,796 Speaker 1: a bunch of my childhood, my primary experience was being 45 00:03:08,836 --> 00:03:12,516 Speaker 1: in this state of conflict with these two people whose 46 00:03:12,676 --> 00:03:16,076 Speaker 1: minds and hearts were as different as the countries that 47 00:03:16,156 --> 00:03:19,116 Speaker 1: they came from, and it was a lot of turmoil. 48 00:03:19,156 --> 00:03:21,196 Speaker 1: It was a lot of pain, and so I felt 49 00:03:21,236 --> 00:03:23,756 Speaker 1: like my job as a kid, almost as a survival 50 00:03:23,796 --> 00:03:27,436 Speaker 1: strategy for our family, was to learn to tune myself 51 00:03:27,636 --> 00:03:31,156 Speaker 1: to their different frequencies. I think these days of my 52 00:03:31,236 --> 00:03:34,716 Speaker 1: parents divorces like an empathy gym that forced me to 53 00:03:34,916 --> 00:03:39,956 Speaker 1: work at care and understanding. Yeah. Interesting. I love the 54 00:03:40,036 --> 00:03:42,796 Speaker 1: definition of empathy that you give in your book. It's 55 00:03:42,836 --> 00:03:46,156 Speaker 1: really beautiful to me and very stirring. You talk about 56 00:03:46,196 --> 00:03:51,196 Speaker 1: empathy as being our emotional and psychological entanglements with one another. 57 00:03:51,716 --> 00:03:55,116 Speaker 1: You also define three different types of empathy, and I'm 58 00:03:55,116 --> 00:03:57,036 Speaker 1: wondering if we can actually just walk through each one 59 00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:58,916 Speaker 1: in detail to give people a sense of what each 60 00:03:58,956 --> 00:04:02,036 Speaker 1: of these different types of empathy means. So I love 61 00:04:02,036 --> 00:04:04,236 Speaker 1: it if we could first talk about what you call 62 00:04:04,356 --> 00:04:11,236 Speaker 1: emotional empathy. Emotional empathy is the evolutionary and developmentally oldest 63 00:04:11,396 --> 00:04:13,996 Speaker 1: type of empathy, so it's the type of empathy we 64 00:04:14,036 --> 00:04:17,516 Speaker 1: share with many other species in fact, and it's this 65 00:04:17,596 --> 00:04:21,316 Speaker 1: idea of resonance or feeling what other people feel. So 66 00:04:21,676 --> 00:04:24,276 Speaker 1: it's that experience of I don't know if you've ever 67 00:04:24,316 --> 00:04:28,276 Speaker 1: watched a tightrope walker and you kind of feel yourself, Yeah, 68 00:04:28,356 --> 00:04:30,796 Speaker 1: like your palms start to sweat and you feel like 69 00:04:30,796 --> 00:04:34,476 Speaker 1: I'm hyperactive ver neurals hard for me to watch movies 70 00:04:34,516 --> 00:04:39,996 Speaker 1: even exactly. So that experience of resonance, whether it's motor resonance, 71 00:04:40,036 --> 00:04:42,316 Speaker 1: sort of as you see someone move in a certain way, 72 00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:44,396 Speaker 1: you kind of feel something in that part of your body. 73 00:04:44,436 --> 00:04:47,396 Speaker 1: It can be resonance for pain, it can be resonance 74 00:04:47,436 --> 00:04:51,596 Speaker 1: for different emotions like sadness, anger, and joy as well. 75 00:04:51,996 --> 00:04:56,116 Speaker 1: But that sense of overlap between self and other emotionally 76 00:04:56,276 --> 00:04:58,956 Speaker 1: is what we think of as emotional empathy. And how 77 00:04:59,036 --> 00:05:03,916 Speaker 1: is that different from cognitive empathy. Yeah, so cognitive empathy 78 00:05:03,956 --> 00:05:06,156 Speaker 1: I would think of as the detective work that we 79 00:05:06,276 --> 00:05:10,236 Speaker 1: do to try to understand what's in someone's mind. Now, 80 00:05:10,396 --> 00:05:14,676 Speaker 1: there's a big difference between emotional and cognitive empathy. Emotional 81 00:05:14,716 --> 00:05:18,716 Speaker 1: empathy often trades on the things that we have in common. 82 00:05:18,996 --> 00:05:21,396 Speaker 1: If I see you in pain. I can sort of 83 00:05:21,396 --> 00:05:24,516 Speaker 1: imagine what that feels like, and it's the similarities between 84 00:05:24,596 --> 00:05:28,036 Speaker 1: us that allow me to access that type of emotional empathy. 85 00:05:28,756 --> 00:05:31,676 Speaker 1: Cognitive empathy is useful when we don't come from the 86 00:05:31,716 --> 00:05:34,516 Speaker 1: same place, when I'm trying to take the perspective of 87 00:05:34,556 --> 00:05:39,076 Speaker 1: someone whose worldview or perspective is different from my own. 88 00:05:39,836 --> 00:05:42,996 Speaker 1: And then finally, the third type of empathy is something 89 00:05:42,996 --> 00:05:47,156 Speaker 1: that you call empathic concern or compassion. Do you mind 90 00:05:47,196 --> 00:05:50,756 Speaker 1: just describing what empathic concern is. It's a desire to 91 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:56,036 Speaker 1: improve somebody else's well being, to decrease their suffering, or 92 00:05:56,076 --> 00:05:59,356 Speaker 1: to increase their joy. It's a mission that we put 93 00:05:59,356 --> 00:06:03,116 Speaker 1: ourselves on, right, It's a motivation, And that part of 94 00:06:03,116 --> 00:06:06,796 Speaker 1: empathy is actually probably the least well understood by scientists 95 00:06:06,836 --> 00:06:10,156 Speaker 1: and the most well understood by spiritual practice. Tis. It's 96 00:06:10,156 --> 00:06:14,876 Speaker 1: been studied and developed for thousands of years in numerous 97 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:20,476 Speaker 1: spiritual traditions. But neuroscientists, for instance, have studied compassion far 98 00:06:20,556 --> 00:06:23,916 Speaker 1: less than they've studied cognitive empathy, and much less than 99 00:06:23,956 --> 00:06:27,436 Speaker 1: what we think of as emotional empathy. So to summarize, 100 00:06:27,556 --> 00:06:32,396 Speaker 1: empathy has three core components. Emotional empathy, which is that 101 00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:35,676 Speaker 1: kind of resonance, that feeling of what other people feel. 102 00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:39,756 Speaker 1: Cognitive empathy the efforts we make to try to understand 103 00:06:40,076 --> 00:06:42,956 Speaker 1: what is in someone's mind and in their heart. And 104 00:06:43,316 --> 00:06:47,676 Speaker 1: empathic concern or compassion, the desire or motivation we have 105 00:06:47,996 --> 00:06:52,116 Speaker 1: to improve their well being. One of the most fascinating 106 00:06:52,396 --> 00:06:54,556 Speaker 1: things you talk about in your book that really stuck 107 00:06:54,556 --> 00:06:57,956 Speaker 1: with me is that these three types of empathy are 108 00:06:58,036 --> 00:07:01,556 Speaker 1: only moderately correlated with each other. So, for example, you 109 00:07:01,596 --> 00:07:05,196 Speaker 1: can be the kind of person who intensely feels another 110 00:07:05,236 --> 00:07:08,276 Speaker 1: person's sadness, but you might not be very good at 111 00:07:08,396 --> 00:07:11,756 Speaker 1: understanding why they feel that way or how to actually 112 00:07:11,836 --> 00:07:14,516 Speaker 1: help them. Yeah. I think a lot of times when 113 00:07:14,516 --> 00:07:16,796 Speaker 1: I describe the three pieces of empathy, people are like, 114 00:07:16,836 --> 00:07:19,156 Speaker 1: all right, Zachi, you just describe the same thing in 115 00:07:19,196 --> 00:07:22,116 Speaker 1: three different ways. You know, if I share what someone feels, 116 00:07:22,116 --> 00:07:24,756 Speaker 1: won't I understand it? And if I understand it once, 117 00:07:24,796 --> 00:07:26,876 Speaker 1: I also care about it, And I say, well, you 118 00:07:26,916 --> 00:07:28,996 Speaker 1: know that's fair. But it turns out that these pieces 119 00:07:28,996 --> 00:07:32,636 Speaker 1: of empathy, although they do connect in many ways, are 120 00:07:32,876 --> 00:07:36,076 Speaker 1: weirdly independent at a number of levels. So, for one, 121 00:07:36,316 --> 00:07:39,676 Speaker 1: they're not that correlated in the population. If you are 122 00:07:39,756 --> 00:07:43,156 Speaker 1: somebody who really takes on other people's feelings. That doesn't 123 00:07:43,156 --> 00:07:44,956 Speaker 1: tell me very much about how good you'll be at 124 00:07:45,036 --> 00:07:48,596 Speaker 1: understanding them. In fact, one of the biggest mistakes we 125 00:07:48,716 --> 00:07:52,756 Speaker 1: make in cognitive empathy is assuming that people are just 126 00:07:52,836 --> 00:07:55,756 Speaker 1: like us, assuming that we can use ourselves as a 127 00:07:55,756 --> 00:07:59,516 Speaker 1: beacon for understanding someone else. So, for instance, if I 128 00:07:59,596 --> 00:08:02,756 Speaker 1: meet somebody else whose parents are divorced and they tell 129 00:08:02,756 --> 00:08:05,196 Speaker 1: me their story, I might think to myself, Oh, their 130 00:08:05,196 --> 00:08:07,996 Speaker 1: parents divorce must have been really difficult for them, because 131 00:08:08,036 --> 00:08:10,076 Speaker 1: my parents' divorce is really difficult for me. But maybe 132 00:08:10,076 --> 00:08:12,716 Speaker 1: they had a breeze of it, right. And our overuse 133 00:08:12,996 --> 00:08:16,196 Speaker 1: of assume similarity is one of the things that gets 134 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:19,756 Speaker 1: this in the most trouble with respect to cognitive empathy. Yeah, 135 00:08:19,876 --> 00:08:21,996 Speaker 1: it's so interesting in this moment, I'm reflecting Jamil on 136 00:08:22,036 --> 00:08:24,996 Speaker 1: the fact that we tend to put a premium on 137 00:08:25,036 --> 00:08:29,836 Speaker 1: this first type of empathy, emotional empathy one, because it 138 00:08:29,916 --> 00:08:32,716 Speaker 1: does breathe this instant feeling of solidarity. So I sit 139 00:08:32,756 --> 00:08:34,916 Speaker 1: down for dinner with you, I tell you about my problem, 140 00:08:35,396 --> 00:08:38,676 Speaker 1: and it just feels so unifying to see that you 141 00:08:38,716 --> 00:08:41,396 Speaker 1: are carrying a bit of my distress, right, that you 142 00:08:41,436 --> 00:08:44,516 Speaker 1: are feeling my pain, and similarly, if you're the one 143 00:08:44,556 --> 00:08:47,116 Speaker 1: feeling it, it feels really good to feel someone else's 144 00:08:47,116 --> 00:08:49,796 Speaker 1: pain because you know you're connecting with them emotionally. But 145 00:08:49,876 --> 00:08:53,076 Speaker 1: I'm reflecting in this moment that maybe we should be 146 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:56,036 Speaker 1: more open minded about the different ways in which people 147 00:08:56,076 --> 00:08:59,916 Speaker 1: can provide empathy to us. Right, someone might not actually 148 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:02,756 Speaker 1: be great at emotional empathy, but their intentions might very 149 00:09:02,756 --> 00:09:05,676 Speaker 1: well be in the right place. They absolutely have that 150 00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:08,436 Speaker 1: will to help you. So in that moment, I might 151 00:09:08,476 --> 00:09:12,236 Speaker 1: write them off and say, oh, they didn't even seem 152 00:09:12,316 --> 00:09:14,996 Speaker 1: to care that I'm having the worst day ever and 153 00:09:15,116 --> 00:09:17,476 Speaker 1: all these terrible things happen to me, and so they're 154 00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:21,196 Speaker 1: an unempathetic person. But upon reflection, if I think through 155 00:09:21,276 --> 00:09:23,636 Speaker 1: this lens, this framework that you're providing for us, and 156 00:09:23,716 --> 00:09:26,876 Speaker 1: might think, look, maybe emotional empathy in this person is 157 00:09:26,916 --> 00:09:31,156 Speaker 1: not super high, but they really excel in the cognitive 158 00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:33,836 Speaker 1: empathy space. They are like my super friend when it 159 00:09:33,876 --> 00:09:36,796 Speaker 1: comes to understanding what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, 160 00:09:36,836 --> 00:09:39,596 Speaker 1: ways that they can actually help me. And so I 161 00:09:39,636 --> 00:09:40,956 Speaker 1: just wonder if you could lead all of us to 162 00:09:41,036 --> 00:09:44,516 Speaker 1: kind of revisit our expectations of others and from ourselves, 163 00:09:44,836 --> 00:09:47,996 Speaker 1: and to recognize that even if someone doesn't excel in 164 00:09:48,036 --> 00:09:50,876 Speaker 1: one of these three domains, they might actually be excellent 165 00:09:50,916 --> 00:09:53,556 Speaker 1: in the other ones. I love that perspective. I think 166 00:09:53,596 --> 00:09:58,236 Speaker 1: you're right that emotional empathy is so easy to access, 167 00:09:58,436 --> 00:10:01,636 Speaker 1: it's so palpable. But I feel like there's all this 168 00:10:01,756 --> 00:10:04,436 Speaker 1: talk these days about what are known as love language, 169 00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:07,436 Speaker 1: is the different ways that people communicate their affection and 170 00:10:07,476 --> 00:10:09,796 Speaker 1: care for one another. Maybe we should be more open 171 00:10:10,156 --> 00:10:15,076 Speaker 1: to empathic languages, to understanding both ourselves and each other 172 00:10:15,516 --> 00:10:18,316 Speaker 1: in terms of a profile, right, Yeah, And if you're 173 00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:22,076 Speaker 1: not a person who's very warm and fuzzy, you don't 174 00:10:22,116 --> 00:10:25,596 Speaker 1: always feel what other people feel, that doesn't mean you're unempathic, 175 00:10:25,636 --> 00:10:27,316 Speaker 1: and you don't have to think of yourself that way. 176 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:30,396 Speaker 1: And this is a great idea from you, Maya. It 177 00:10:30,516 --> 00:10:33,316 Speaker 1: might be useful for us to each introspect a little 178 00:10:33,316 --> 00:10:36,356 Speaker 1: bit about who we are and then maybe even communicate that. Say, 179 00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:39,116 Speaker 1: you know, my favorite way of empathizing with people is 180 00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,876 Speaker 1: to try to listen and understand, and I hope that's okay. 181 00:10:41,916 --> 00:10:45,916 Speaker 1: You know, just bringing that into conversation could enrich our 182 00:10:45,956 --> 00:10:50,116 Speaker 1: ability to connect with each other. So much. Yeah. Okay, 183 00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:53,036 Speaker 1: so now we have a better understanding of what empathy is, 184 00:10:53,116 --> 00:10:57,756 Speaker 1: Jimial and I'm wondering why should we care about empathy? 185 00:10:57,796 --> 00:11:01,316 Speaker 1: And I ask this in part because sometimes our minds 186 00:11:01,316 --> 00:11:05,716 Speaker 1: can be so overwhelmed by the empathic needs of just 187 00:11:06,156 --> 00:11:08,436 Speaker 1: living on this planet, because there is so much suffering 188 00:11:08,476 --> 00:11:10,796 Speaker 1: and distress, it's easy to just want to put a 189 00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:12,636 Speaker 1: lid on it sometimes and be like, you know what, 190 00:11:13,436 --> 00:11:16,916 Speaker 1: I'm over this, Like I cannot solve all the world's ills, 191 00:11:17,116 --> 00:11:19,796 Speaker 1: you know, of course. Yeah, I think that the reason 192 00:11:20,116 --> 00:11:23,716 Speaker 1: that we should care about empathy is because it is 193 00:11:23,876 --> 00:11:27,396 Speaker 1: at the root of who we are and how we flourish. 194 00:11:27,716 --> 00:11:30,996 Speaker 1: And that's true at basically every level you can think of. 195 00:11:31,036 --> 00:11:33,236 Speaker 1: I mean, I think it's probably one of the secrets 196 00:11:33,236 --> 00:11:37,036 Speaker 1: of our species success. You know, human beings not really 197 00:11:37,076 --> 00:11:39,156 Speaker 1: that impressive. An animal, what do you think about it? Right, 198 00:11:39,196 --> 00:11:42,876 Speaker 1: We're just medium sized mammals, you know, not really that fast. 199 00:11:43,196 --> 00:11:45,516 Speaker 1: We can't fly or swim very well, right, I mean, 200 00:11:45,516 --> 00:11:49,476 Speaker 1: as solo creatures, we have no chance. What we are 201 00:11:49,596 --> 00:11:54,316 Speaker 1: is a coalitional and hypersocial species, and so that means 202 00:11:54,356 --> 00:11:57,116 Speaker 1: that it's important to understand, well, what is it that's 203 00:11:57,156 --> 00:12:00,316 Speaker 1: in us. What did nature imbue us with that allows 204 00:12:00,396 --> 00:12:02,596 Speaker 1: us to work together so well? And I would say 205 00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:06,436 Speaker 1: that one of the pillars of our ability to cooperate 206 00:12:06,796 --> 00:12:10,436 Speaker 1: and to coordinate is our tendency to connect with one 207 00:12:10,436 --> 00:12:15,076 Speaker 1: another and to care for one another. Empathy basically benefits 208 00:12:15,116 --> 00:12:17,876 Speaker 1: almost everybody involved, including the people who feel it. You know, 209 00:12:17,876 --> 00:12:19,476 Speaker 1: it's easy to think of empathy is something you do 210 00:12:19,556 --> 00:12:23,396 Speaker 1: for other people, But people who report being empathic versus 211 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:27,636 Speaker 1: less empathic tend to have deeper and more meaningful connections 212 00:12:27,676 --> 00:12:31,436 Speaker 1: to family and friends. And then, finally, I think empathy 213 00:12:31,516 --> 00:12:35,916 Speaker 1: is really critical to building community, to seeing people who 214 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:39,516 Speaker 1: are different from us free from the lens of stereotyping, prejudice, 215 00:12:39,556 --> 00:12:44,036 Speaker 1: and bias. To our ability for collective action, from making 216 00:12:44,076 --> 00:12:47,276 Speaker 1: small sacrifices for the greater good. Really all the things 217 00:12:47,276 --> 00:12:50,956 Speaker 1: that allow us to work together. Yeah, you know, on 218 00:12:51,076 --> 00:12:54,596 Speaker 1: this question of bias, researchers like Paul Bloom and others 219 00:12:54,596 --> 00:12:58,076 Speaker 1: have pointed out that our empathy has design flaws, right, 220 00:12:58,316 --> 00:13:00,596 Speaker 1: and so if we rely too much on our empathy 221 00:13:00,636 --> 00:13:03,476 Speaker 1: to guide our decisions, it can carry some risks. So, 222 00:13:03,556 --> 00:13:06,956 Speaker 1: for example, we feel less empathy for people who are 223 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,676 Speaker 1: from different cultures than we are, or who don't share 224 00:13:09,676 --> 00:13:12,596 Speaker 1: our skin color, or we feel more empathy for people 225 00:13:12,636 --> 00:13:15,876 Speaker 1: who are attractive or are right in front of us, right, 226 00:13:15,916 --> 00:13:18,556 Speaker 1: are approximate. Yeah, I think that's right. And you know, 227 00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:22,156 Speaker 1: Paul Bloom's book Against Empathy is well worth a read. 228 00:13:22,196 --> 00:13:25,756 Speaker 1: It's really provocative and interesting, and as you say, he 229 00:13:25,876 --> 00:13:29,196 Speaker 1: points out, hey, wait a minute, empathy doesn't always move 230 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:33,636 Speaker 1: us towards justice. It doesn't always move us towards kindness equity, right, Yeah, 231 00:13:33,676 --> 00:13:37,676 Speaker 1: it moves us to care for people who were evolutionarily 232 00:13:37,756 --> 00:13:41,396 Speaker 1: programmed to care for. I think that empathy, like every 233 00:13:41,396 --> 00:13:44,196 Speaker 1: other part of our mind and our psychology, is built 234 00:13:44,236 --> 00:13:47,556 Speaker 1: for an ancient world, one in which probably we are 235 00:13:47,596 --> 00:13:51,276 Speaker 1: just around our family members and community members, and it's 236 00:13:51,316 --> 00:13:54,876 Speaker 1: hard to scale up experiences like empathy for the needs 237 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:57,716 Speaker 1: of the modern world, to help people who we will 238 00:13:57,756 --> 00:14:00,596 Speaker 1: never meet, who are thousands of miles away. Yeah, And 239 00:14:00,596 --> 00:14:03,836 Speaker 1: I think it's so important for us to recognize where 240 00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:06,036 Speaker 1: these biases lie. Like you said, an empathy, but all 241 00:14:06,116 --> 00:14:08,836 Speaker 1: spaces of behavioral science. I feel like in my entire career, 242 00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,356 Speaker 1: whether I been a practitioner of this phase or an academic, 243 00:14:11,756 --> 00:14:15,636 Speaker 1: I'm always looking at ways in which these more ancient 244 00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:19,156 Speaker 1: intuitions can lead us astray. We want to be very 245 00:14:19,196 --> 00:14:24,436 Speaker 1: intentional about where we are directing our empathy spotlight. Right, 246 00:14:24,476 --> 00:14:26,796 Speaker 1: You call empathy as spotlight, and we as humans have 247 00:14:26,796 --> 00:14:30,076 Speaker 1: the ability to maybe direct that spotlight. Empathy is like 248 00:14:30,116 --> 00:14:33,956 Speaker 1: a spotlight, and we are the ones pointing that spotlight, 249 00:14:34,476 --> 00:14:38,516 Speaker 1: and that we have agency. We have autonomy to align 250 00:14:38,956 --> 00:14:41,956 Speaker 1: our emotional experiences with the people we want to be, 251 00:14:42,396 --> 00:14:46,236 Speaker 1: and when we're able to do that, empathy can supercharge 252 00:14:46,356 --> 00:14:51,836 Speaker 1: our values and morals by adding emotional weight to them. So, 253 00:14:52,076 --> 00:14:55,476 Speaker 1: for instance, if you feel like you are more inclined 254 00:14:55,516 --> 00:14:58,156 Speaker 1: to empathize with people who look like you than people 255 00:14:58,156 --> 00:15:00,836 Speaker 1: who don't look like you, it's a great opportunity to 256 00:15:00,876 --> 00:15:03,316 Speaker 1: interact with people who don't look like you and learn 257 00:15:03,316 --> 00:15:07,236 Speaker 1: more about them, or read their stories, or just become 258 00:15:07,236 --> 00:15:11,276 Speaker 1: familiar because it turns that that those experiences can reshape 259 00:15:11,316 --> 00:15:14,996 Speaker 1: our empathy, broaden it, widen it in ways that are 260 00:15:15,156 --> 00:15:18,356 Speaker 1: more appropriate for the morality that many of us have 261 00:15:18,436 --> 00:15:21,636 Speaker 1: these days. Yeah, it is very helpful for us to 262 00:15:21,676 --> 00:15:24,116 Speaker 1: understand the ways in which it can be biased, because 263 00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:27,276 Speaker 1: a lot of these empathetic responses are operating at a 264 00:15:27,316 --> 00:15:32,716 Speaker 1: purely subconscious level. Right, we're not consciously deliberating over who 265 00:15:32,756 --> 00:15:35,836 Speaker 1: gets our empathy, and so does require some higher level 266 00:15:35,836 --> 00:15:38,876 Speaker 1: cognition kicking in. Yeah, you can think of ourselves as 267 00:15:38,876 --> 00:15:42,676 Speaker 1: being on autopilot some vast majority of the time, and 268 00:15:42,956 --> 00:15:45,836 Speaker 1: sometimes we have to switch into manual and drive the 269 00:15:45,876 --> 00:15:48,516 Speaker 1: car ourselves. And I think that's definitely true of empathy 270 00:15:48,556 --> 00:15:52,356 Speaker 1: as well. Well said, so empathy can confer a lot 271 00:15:52,396 --> 00:15:55,756 Speaker 1: of benefits on an individual level, on a societal level, 272 00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:59,636 Speaker 1: as you've just described, but you note that sadly, empathy 273 00:15:59,716 --> 00:16:04,636 Speaker 1: has been steadily decreasing over time, and you've identified that 274 00:16:04,716 --> 00:16:08,036 Speaker 1: there are some building blocks of empathy that are crucial 275 00:16:08,076 --> 00:16:12,196 Speaker 1: for empathies revival, if you will, that are less available 276 00:16:12,276 --> 00:16:14,116 Speaker 1: to us in present day than they used to be, 277 00:16:14,156 --> 00:16:16,596 Speaker 1: and this might be responsible for some of the decline. 278 00:16:17,156 --> 00:16:20,236 Speaker 1: Do you mind sharing what those building blocks are? Yeah. 279 00:16:20,276 --> 00:16:23,436 Speaker 1: I talk a lot about the world that empathy evolved in, right, 280 00:16:23,476 --> 00:16:25,956 Speaker 1: So if you think about the social world that we 281 00:16:25,996 --> 00:16:28,476 Speaker 1: had one hundred thousand years ago, it's just a lot 282 00:16:28,516 --> 00:16:31,236 Speaker 1: different than where we are now. You know, people existed 283 00:16:31,236 --> 00:16:34,716 Speaker 1: in small bands of hunter gatherers, maybe a few families 284 00:16:34,716 --> 00:16:36,516 Speaker 1: a piece, and what that meant is that if you 285 00:16:36,556 --> 00:16:39,196 Speaker 1: interacted with somebody else, probably a bunch of things were true. 286 00:16:39,556 --> 00:16:42,716 Speaker 1: You were really familiar to one another, maybe you were related. 287 00:16:43,356 --> 00:16:46,716 Speaker 1: People were visible to one another. We could hear pain 288 00:16:46,796 --> 00:16:49,396 Speaker 1: and pleasure in each other's voices, see it in each 289 00:16:49,436 --> 00:16:54,036 Speaker 1: other's faces, and we were accountable to one another. It 290 00:16:54,076 --> 00:16:57,156 Speaker 1: was clear who had acted kindly and cruelly, and we 291 00:16:57,156 --> 00:16:59,876 Speaker 1: could take that history into account when we decide how 292 00:16:59,876 --> 00:17:02,036 Speaker 1: we wanted to treat them. And I think of those 293 00:17:02,436 --> 00:17:08,196 Speaker 1: pieces of social life, visibility, familiarity, and accountability as kind 294 00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:12,476 Speaker 1: of empathies, immortal soup packed with ingredients that make it 295 00:17:12,516 --> 00:17:15,436 Speaker 1: easy and natural to connect with one another. But those 296 00:17:15,596 --> 00:17:18,476 Speaker 1: ingredients have fallen out of the lives that we live 297 00:17:18,556 --> 00:17:21,676 Speaker 1: now more than ever. You know, even before the pandemic, 298 00:17:21,716 --> 00:17:25,196 Speaker 1: people were living in giant cities more than ever in 299 00:17:25,276 --> 00:17:27,636 Speaker 1: human history, and a loan, so we were sort of 300 00:17:27,996 --> 00:17:31,596 Speaker 1: seeing more people than ever, but familiar with fewer of them. 301 00:17:31,636 --> 00:17:35,596 Speaker 1: It's almost like people turned into obstacles instead of people. 302 00:17:35,756 --> 00:17:39,916 Speaker 1: We interact now more in anonymous ways, in transactional ways, 303 00:17:40,196 --> 00:17:43,956 Speaker 1: and those types of human connections are really not great 304 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:47,876 Speaker 1: soil for empathy to grow in. Yeah, well, we're going 305 00:17:47,916 --> 00:17:51,796 Speaker 1: to give listeners. Some hope now, Jamil, because the very 306 00:17:51,916 --> 00:17:55,076 Speaker 1: hopeful message coming out of your book is that we 307 00:17:55,156 --> 00:18:00,356 Speaker 1: are not doomed given modern barriers. Empathy is something that 308 00:18:00,396 --> 00:18:03,956 Speaker 1: we can in fact increase with some effort. Yeah, you know, 309 00:18:04,036 --> 00:18:08,476 Speaker 1: I think that for a long time, scientists, philosophers and 310 00:18:08,516 --> 00:18:12,036 Speaker 1: the rest of us have thought of empathy as a trait. 311 00:18:12,476 --> 00:18:14,596 Speaker 1: You either have it or you don't. It's just fixed. 312 00:18:14,756 --> 00:18:16,796 Speaker 1: And I ask people a lot, you know, to think 313 00:18:16,836 --> 00:18:20,116 Speaker 1: of the most empathic and least empathic person they've ever known. 314 00:18:19,956 --> 00:18:23,156 Speaker 1: And if I ask people, how did that individual get 315 00:18:23,196 --> 00:18:24,476 Speaker 1: that way? They said, well, what do you mean? They 316 00:18:24,476 --> 00:18:26,756 Speaker 1: didn't get that way. They were born that way, and 317 00:18:26,796 --> 00:18:28,916 Speaker 1: they were that way of their whole life. And I 318 00:18:28,956 --> 00:18:32,236 Speaker 1: think it's normal to see ourselves as fixed because we 319 00:18:32,276 --> 00:18:35,436 Speaker 1: don't see ourselves changing, because we change slowly, and when 320 00:18:35,436 --> 00:18:38,196 Speaker 1: something happens slowly, it's hard to see. It's also it's 321 00:18:38,236 --> 00:18:40,276 Speaker 1: been true by the way of other parts of our mind. 322 00:18:40,596 --> 00:18:43,436 Speaker 1: We used to think of intelligence as something that was fixed. 323 00:18:43,476 --> 00:18:46,516 Speaker 1: We used to think of our personalities as totally fixed. 324 00:18:46,916 --> 00:18:49,596 Speaker 1: But it turns out that people do change and we 325 00:18:49,676 --> 00:18:52,316 Speaker 1: do move. In fact, the only thing that you can't 326 00:18:52,356 --> 00:18:56,956 Speaker 1: do is stop changing evidence suggests that although some people 327 00:18:56,956 --> 00:19:00,756 Speaker 1: are born more empathic than others, our experiences matter enormously, 328 00:19:00,796 --> 00:19:04,356 Speaker 1: and some experiences can cause our empathy to grow and 329 00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:09,836 Speaker 1: some can cause it to shrink and weaken. Ahead, Jamil 330 00:19:09,956 --> 00:19:14,036 Speaker 1: gives us strategies to try and become more empathetic. We'll 331 00:19:14,036 --> 00:19:16,396 Speaker 1: be back in a moment with a slight change of plans. 332 00:19:23,556 --> 00:19:26,756 Speaker 1: So I'd love to talk about how it is that 333 00:19:26,796 --> 00:19:28,756 Speaker 1: we can be more empathetic. Right, so you've built a 334 00:19:28,796 --> 00:19:33,636 Speaker 1: strong case that, Okay, good news, folks. Empathy is more 335 00:19:33,676 --> 00:19:35,396 Speaker 1: of a muscle than you think it is. It can 336 00:19:35,436 --> 00:19:38,636 Speaker 1: grow with hard work and perseverance and effort and understanding. 337 00:19:39,156 --> 00:19:41,556 Speaker 1: Now let's get into some of the tactics. So you know, 338 00:19:41,556 --> 00:19:44,156 Speaker 1: I'm listening to this podcast, I'm feeling motivated to be 339 00:19:44,236 --> 00:19:46,996 Speaker 1: my best empathetic self. I didn't want to say most empathetic, 340 00:19:47,036 --> 00:19:48,516 Speaker 1: by the way, because we'll get to why that might 341 00:19:48,556 --> 00:19:51,276 Speaker 1: be problematic language in a little bit. But I want 342 00:19:51,276 --> 00:19:53,516 Speaker 1: to be my best empathetic self. So the version of 343 00:19:53,556 --> 00:19:57,196 Speaker 1: Maya that helps people in the most impactful ways possible. 344 00:19:57,796 --> 00:20:01,276 Speaker 1: And one antagonist you say that gets in the way 345 00:20:01,396 --> 00:20:05,636 Speaker 1: of feeling empathy is our tendency to engage in what's 346 00:20:05,636 --> 00:20:09,596 Speaker 1: called tribal thinking. So there are those people who are 347 00:20:09,596 --> 00:20:12,316 Speaker 1: members of our group, and then there are those people 348 00:20:12,316 --> 00:20:15,076 Speaker 1: who are not members of our group. And you say 349 00:20:15,116 --> 00:20:20,036 Speaker 1: that having in us and them mentality can sap us 350 00:20:20,076 --> 00:20:23,236 Speaker 1: of our innate curiosity and our empathy for those who 351 00:20:23,236 --> 00:20:26,676 Speaker 1: are not in our group. And so, given this, what 352 00:20:26,796 --> 00:20:31,836 Speaker 1: are some strategies we can use to resist tribal thinking? Yeah, 353 00:20:31,876 --> 00:20:35,636 Speaker 1: I think it's a great question. Tribal thinking gets in 354 00:20:35,676 --> 00:20:38,196 Speaker 1: the way of empathy. It even does more than that. 355 00:20:38,276 --> 00:20:41,116 Speaker 1: In some cases, if we think of ourselves as having 356 00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:44,556 Speaker 1: an in group sort of us, and an outgroup them, 357 00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:47,476 Speaker 1: we might empathize less with people who we think are 358 00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:50,676 Speaker 1: different from us. But the real problem comes when those 359 00:20:50,716 --> 00:20:54,276 Speaker 1: groups come into conflict or competition with each other, because 360 00:20:54,316 --> 00:20:57,516 Speaker 1: then the outgroup, the people who are you know them, 361 00:20:58,116 --> 00:21:00,796 Speaker 1: aren't just different from us, they're a direct threat to 362 00:21:00,876 --> 00:21:04,556 Speaker 1: our community. And when you get into that situation, whatever 363 00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:07,796 Speaker 1: happens that's good for them is bad for us, and 364 00:21:07,836 --> 00:21:10,916 Speaker 1: whatever is bad for them is good for us. So 365 00:21:10,956 --> 00:21:13,436 Speaker 1: you get not only a lack of empathy, you get 366 00:21:13,476 --> 00:21:16,516 Speaker 1: what my friend Mina Chakara calls shod in Freuda and 367 00:21:16,556 --> 00:21:19,116 Speaker 1: She's studied this a lot. This is kind of savoring 368 00:21:19,196 --> 00:21:22,756 Speaker 1: other people's pain. I feel these days that a lot 369 00:21:22,796 --> 00:21:24,956 Speaker 1: of Twitter has become sort of a shod In Freud 370 00:21:24,996 --> 00:21:27,676 Speaker 1: a buffet at this point, you know, But you get 371 00:21:27,676 --> 00:21:30,956 Speaker 1: this reversal of empathy, and I think that there are 372 00:21:30,996 --> 00:21:34,316 Speaker 1: ways that we can overcome this. The first is to 373 00:21:34,556 --> 00:21:39,276 Speaker 1: understand who's really out there. We often have gross misconceptions 374 00:21:39,316 --> 00:21:41,396 Speaker 1: of what the other side is like. We think that 375 00:21:41,436 --> 00:21:44,916 Speaker 1: they are way more extreme, way more threatening, way more 376 00:21:45,076 --> 00:21:50,076 Speaker 1: violent than they really are. So learning and trying to 377 00:21:50,356 --> 00:21:53,436 Speaker 1: revive some curiosity about who's actually on the other side 378 00:21:53,876 --> 00:21:58,116 Speaker 1: is quite helpful in reducing that sense of threat. Relationships, 379 00:21:58,156 --> 00:22:01,436 Speaker 1: in a way, are a key that can unlock our 380 00:22:01,956 --> 00:22:05,636 Speaker 1: openness not just to the people we connect with, but 381 00:22:05,676 --> 00:22:07,756 Speaker 1: to people like them. And that's part of why it's 382 00:22:07,796 --> 00:22:10,236 Speaker 1: so important for any buddy who wants to build their 383 00:22:10,276 --> 00:22:13,836 Speaker 1: empathy to try to foster these individual connections, because they 384 00:22:13,876 --> 00:22:17,476 Speaker 1: go far beyond just the two people who might be 385 00:22:17,516 --> 00:22:21,636 Speaker 1: talking with one another. Yeah, and there's really interesting research 386 00:22:21,676 --> 00:22:24,476 Speaker 1: corroborating what you've just said. Do you mind sharing some 387 00:22:24,556 --> 00:22:27,996 Speaker 1: of the research in this area. Yeah. Absolutely. There's a 388 00:22:28,036 --> 00:22:31,956 Speaker 1: study from almost twenty five years ago. That shows how 389 00:22:32,436 --> 00:22:36,916 Speaker 1: empathizing with an individual can unlock our care and understanding 390 00:22:36,956 --> 00:22:39,876 Speaker 1: for an entire group. So in this study, people were 391 00:22:39,916 --> 00:22:42,916 Speaker 1: asked to read the story of somebody named Julie who 392 00:22:43,676 --> 00:22:45,756 Speaker 1: was suffering from AIDS, and I should say the study 393 00:22:45,876 --> 00:22:48,276 Speaker 1: conduct in the nineteen nineties, when there is still more 394 00:22:48,356 --> 00:22:52,596 Speaker 1: stigma than there is now around AIDS. Some of these people, 395 00:22:52,636 --> 00:22:55,236 Speaker 1: in reading about Julie were asked to empathize with her, 396 00:22:55,596 --> 00:22:58,796 Speaker 1: to really try to understand what she's going through and 397 00:22:58,916 --> 00:23:01,916 Speaker 1: what this might be like for her. Other people, while 398 00:23:01,956 --> 00:23:05,196 Speaker 1: reading her story were told just be objective and detached. 399 00:23:05,916 --> 00:23:09,716 Speaker 1: Now the people were asked to empathize, empathized with Julie. 400 00:23:09,796 --> 00:23:13,196 Speaker 1: No shock, they're really But what's more interesting is what 401 00:23:13,236 --> 00:23:15,876 Speaker 1: happened when the researchers then ask these people, well, what 402 00:23:15,956 --> 00:23:19,036 Speaker 1: about folks who have AIDS in general? How should we 403 00:23:19,116 --> 00:23:22,916 Speaker 1: think about them? How should society treat them? What support 404 00:23:22,956 --> 00:23:25,716 Speaker 1: should we have in place for them? And it turned 405 00:23:25,716 --> 00:23:29,716 Speaker 1: out that people who empathize with Julie didn't just care 406 00:23:29,836 --> 00:23:33,796 Speaker 1: for Julie, they cared more about people with AIDS in general. 407 00:23:34,356 --> 00:23:38,516 Speaker 1: So again, in this way, relationships aren't just connections between 408 00:23:38,556 --> 00:23:42,556 Speaker 1: one person and another they're keys that unlock our ability 409 00:23:42,596 --> 00:23:45,676 Speaker 1: to connect with all sorts of people and entire groups 410 00:23:45,716 --> 00:23:48,116 Speaker 1: of people. Yeah. I find that to be such an 411 00:23:48,156 --> 00:23:53,116 Speaker 1: inspiring takeaway because it feels like something that exists within 412 00:23:53,156 --> 00:23:56,356 Speaker 1: our control to build empathy with an individual person that 413 00:23:56,396 --> 00:23:59,076 Speaker 1: we know or we're reading about, and then to think 414 00:23:59,076 --> 00:24:01,396 Speaker 1: that that can have all sorts of positive spillover effects 415 00:24:01,396 --> 00:24:05,116 Speaker 1: for how we think about communities all over the world. Yeah. 416 00:24:05,156 --> 00:24:07,636 Speaker 1: It just makes my heart happy that there's hope in 417 00:24:07,676 --> 00:24:09,796 Speaker 1: this space. And I think think many of us have 418 00:24:09,876 --> 00:24:13,316 Speaker 1: had this experience where we've connected with someone who's different 419 00:24:13,356 --> 00:24:18,196 Speaker 1: from us and just learned so much so quickly, and 420 00:24:18,316 --> 00:24:20,996 Speaker 1: we think of what we learn as I have this 421 00:24:21,036 --> 00:24:23,956 Speaker 1: new perspective, I have this new knowledge, but I want 422 00:24:24,036 --> 00:24:27,476 Speaker 1: people to realize that they're also learning emotionally. They're also 423 00:24:27,596 --> 00:24:30,236 Speaker 1: learning what other people's worlds are like and what they 424 00:24:30,276 --> 00:24:32,076 Speaker 1: care about, and that makes it easier for us to 425 00:24:32,116 --> 00:24:35,476 Speaker 1: care about that too. Yeah. No, I love that. Another 426 00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:37,676 Speaker 1: way that you say we can create more empathy in 427 00:24:37,676 --> 00:24:41,036 Speaker 1: the world is to better establish empathy as a norm. 428 00:24:41,196 --> 00:24:43,876 Speaker 1: And we know from lots of social psychology research that, 429 00:24:44,116 --> 00:24:47,516 Speaker 1: of course we as people are highly influenced by how 430 00:24:47,516 --> 00:24:51,956 Speaker 1: other people behave. We tend to follow social norms. And 431 00:24:52,436 --> 00:24:55,516 Speaker 1: there's this very fun, charming study that was run on 432 00:24:55,836 --> 00:25:00,276 Speaker 1: seventh graders in which empathy was established as the norm. 433 00:25:00,356 --> 00:25:04,796 Speaker 1: So this is a particularly impressionable population. And so yeah, 434 00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:07,436 Speaker 1: would you mind just talking a bit more about this study? Yeah, 435 00:25:07,516 --> 00:25:10,516 Speaker 1: of course. I mean, seventh graders turned out to be 436 00:25:10,956 --> 00:25:13,956 Speaker 1: the most conformist people on the planet by age, right, 437 00:25:13,996 --> 00:25:16,996 Speaker 1: So if you map conformity against age at peaks in 438 00:25:17,076 --> 00:25:20,156 Speaker 1: early adolescence, and I get it. I mean, shoot, when 439 00:25:20,156 --> 00:25:22,476 Speaker 1: I was in seventh grade, I would have done anything 440 00:25:22,596 --> 00:25:26,316 Speaker 1: to fit in with anyone at any time. Not that 441 00:25:26,356 --> 00:25:29,396 Speaker 1: it worked, but that's a conversation from my therapist. But 442 00:25:29,596 --> 00:25:32,356 Speaker 1: so I think, especially in adolescence, it's easy to think 443 00:25:32,356 --> 00:25:34,916 Speaker 1: of conformity as pretty dangerous, as something that's going to 444 00:25:34,996 --> 00:25:39,516 Speaker 1: lead people, lead kids to do things that maybe they shouldn't, 445 00:25:39,556 --> 00:25:43,396 Speaker 1: to be mean, or to engage in risky behaviors. But 446 00:25:43,796 --> 00:25:47,036 Speaker 1: just like with adults, adolescent conformity can be a force 447 00:25:47,156 --> 00:25:49,676 Speaker 1: for ill or a force for good. And so we decided, 448 00:25:49,876 --> 00:25:52,716 Speaker 1: in work with my graduate in Erica Wise to see 449 00:25:52,716 --> 00:25:56,356 Speaker 1: if we could use conformity to build empathy among seventh 450 00:25:56,396 --> 00:25:59,436 Speaker 1: grade classrooms. So we worked in four schools and a 451 00:25:59,516 --> 00:26:01,276 Speaker 1: third of the students we worked with we put in 452 00:26:01,316 --> 00:26:04,996 Speaker 1: what we called an empathic social norms condition, which basically 453 00:26:05,036 --> 00:26:07,516 Speaker 1: means we tried to convince them empathy is cool. We 454 00:26:07,596 --> 00:26:10,716 Speaker 1: really We showed them videos, and I should say all 455 00:26:10,716 --> 00:26:13,436 Speaker 1: the videos were based on real data, so we were 456 00:26:13,436 --> 00:26:16,076 Speaker 1: not deceiving these kids in any way. But the videos 457 00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:19,636 Speaker 1: basically talked about how empathy is this real, powerful social 458 00:26:19,676 --> 00:26:22,636 Speaker 1: skill that helps you make friends, and that seventh graders 459 00:26:22,996 --> 00:26:27,356 Speaker 1: really value empathy, that they tend to gravitate towards other 460 00:26:27,436 --> 00:26:30,596 Speaker 1: kids who are empathic. Again, this is all true. We 461 00:26:30,716 --> 00:26:33,076 Speaker 1: then asked them to, based on what they had seen, 462 00:26:33,276 --> 00:26:36,676 Speaker 1: write about why they valued empathy, and then we collated 463 00:26:36,716 --> 00:26:39,796 Speaker 1: all their responses why so that when they came back 464 00:26:39,796 --> 00:26:42,196 Speaker 1: to the classroom, we could give these kids a brochure 465 00:26:42,676 --> 00:26:45,076 Speaker 1: of all of their friends and classmates saying why they 466 00:26:45,196 --> 00:26:48,996 Speaker 1: value empathy. In essence, we're alerting them to a social 467 00:26:49,036 --> 00:26:50,876 Speaker 1: norm that was all around them, but that they might 468 00:26:50,876 --> 00:26:54,196 Speaker 1: not have realized. Was there the popularity of empathy among 469 00:26:54,236 --> 00:26:57,076 Speaker 1: their peers. So we came back to these classrooms a 470 00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:59,956 Speaker 1: month later and we asked students to nominate people in 471 00:26:59,996 --> 00:27:03,756 Speaker 1: their class who were nice, who seemed compassionate, and did 472 00:27:03,796 --> 00:27:06,396 Speaker 1: favors for other kids. And we found that kids in 473 00:27:06,636 --> 00:27:10,236 Speaker 1: our empathic social norms condition who were more motivated to 474 00:27:10,276 --> 00:27:14,236 Speaker 1: empathize a month later, we're more likely to be nominated 475 00:27:14,476 --> 00:27:17,636 Speaker 1: by their peers as somebody who was acting kindly, which 476 00:27:17,676 --> 00:27:20,796 Speaker 1: is to us not just an indication that this effect 477 00:27:20,876 --> 00:27:23,316 Speaker 1: lasted a long time, but also that it showed up 478 00:27:23,596 --> 00:27:26,156 Speaker 1: not just in kids' hearts and minds, but in the 479 00:27:26,156 --> 00:27:29,636 Speaker 1: way that they acted towards one another. Yeah, in their 480 00:27:29,676 --> 00:27:32,956 Speaker 1: behaviors and their expressions. Yeah, I love that outcome metric. 481 00:27:33,916 --> 00:27:37,316 Speaker 1: Your final recommendation in your book, Jamil, around building empathy 482 00:27:37,396 --> 00:27:42,476 Speaker 1: has to do with changing our own mindsets about empathy 483 00:27:42,956 --> 00:27:46,196 Speaker 1: being something that is in fact malluable, that is something 484 00:27:46,196 --> 00:27:49,356 Speaker 1: that we can change, And you say that it is 485 00:27:49,396 --> 00:27:52,156 Speaker 1: a self fulfilling prophecy, right, Like, the more we believe 486 00:27:52,196 --> 00:27:54,876 Speaker 1: that we can change our empathy, the more successful will 487 00:27:54,916 --> 00:27:58,076 Speaker 1: be at empathizing with others. Do you mind sharing some 488 00:27:58,116 --> 00:28:00,196 Speaker 1: of the work that you've done in this space. Yes, 489 00:28:00,556 --> 00:28:03,756 Speaker 1: this is work with one of my scientific idols, Carol Dweck. 490 00:28:04,316 --> 00:28:07,516 Speaker 1: Carol is uber famous for her work on mindsets. This 491 00:28:07,596 --> 00:28:11,316 Speaker 1: idea that you're expressing. When people think that they can't change, 492 00:28:11,436 --> 00:28:14,236 Speaker 1: they don't really try to, because why was the energy. 493 00:28:14,556 --> 00:28:17,236 Speaker 1: When people know that they can change, they tend to 494 00:28:17,276 --> 00:28:19,996 Speaker 1: work harder, which in turn makes it more likely that 495 00:28:20,036 --> 00:28:22,156 Speaker 1: they really do change, and that turns out to be 496 00:28:22,156 --> 00:28:25,996 Speaker 1: true for empathy as well. In a series of experiments, 497 00:28:26,076 --> 00:28:30,116 Speaker 1: Carol and I, along with our colleague Karina Schumann, presented 498 00:28:30,196 --> 00:28:33,276 Speaker 1: people with one of two essays. Some people read an 499 00:28:33,356 --> 00:28:36,396 Speaker 1: essay that said empathy is a fixed rate. You can't 500 00:28:36,396 --> 00:28:38,716 Speaker 1: really change it. Whoever you are now, you're going to 501 00:28:38,756 --> 00:28:41,196 Speaker 1: be for the rest of your life. Other people read 502 00:28:41,236 --> 00:28:43,596 Speaker 1: an essay that told them empathy is a skill that 503 00:28:43,676 --> 00:28:46,916 Speaker 1: you can grow. It's up to you how empathic you become, 504 00:28:47,156 --> 00:28:51,076 Speaker 1: at least to some level. And after people read one 505 00:28:51,116 --> 00:28:54,316 Speaker 1: of these essays, we put them through an empathic obstacle 506 00:28:54,356 --> 00:28:57,276 Speaker 1: course full of situations in which it doesn't always come 507 00:28:57,356 --> 00:29:00,956 Speaker 1: naturally to connect with people, the very situations that sometimes 508 00:29:00,956 --> 00:29:04,356 Speaker 1: put walls up against our empathy, like difference. For instance, 509 00:29:04,396 --> 00:29:08,156 Speaker 1: we might ask people to listen to emotional stories that 510 00:29:08,196 --> 00:29:11,076 Speaker 1: are told by someone who is a different race, or 511 00:29:11,156 --> 00:29:13,556 Speaker 1: we would ask them to imagine a conversation with somebody 512 00:29:13,596 --> 00:29:16,796 Speaker 1: they disagreed with politically and ask how much energy would 513 00:29:16,796 --> 00:29:19,916 Speaker 1: you put into trying to understand this person in their perspective. 514 00:29:20,396 --> 00:29:24,116 Speaker 1: These are the very cases where empathy doesn't always happen 515 00:29:24,156 --> 00:29:27,396 Speaker 1: the way that we wish it would, where our biases 516 00:29:27,396 --> 00:29:29,476 Speaker 1: get in the way, And that's why we were so 517 00:29:29,516 --> 00:29:32,796 Speaker 1: curious about those very cases. He said, well, what if 518 00:29:32,796 --> 00:29:34,516 Speaker 1: people know that they can grow their empathy? And it 519 00:29:34,516 --> 00:29:37,556 Speaker 1: turns out that people who we had just taught that 520 00:29:37,636 --> 00:29:40,916 Speaker 1: empathy was a skill worked harder at it, including in 521 00:29:40,956 --> 00:29:44,796 Speaker 1: trying to overcome those biases. They spent more time listening 522 00:29:44,796 --> 00:29:46,876 Speaker 1: to stories told by someone who is a different race, 523 00:29:47,276 --> 00:29:50,396 Speaker 1: They put more energy into trying to understand someone who 524 00:29:50,476 --> 00:29:54,356 Speaker 1: was different from them ideologically. They basically put in the 525 00:29:54,436 --> 00:29:58,436 Speaker 1: work in cases where empathy takes work. And I think 526 00:29:58,476 --> 00:30:01,276 Speaker 1: that's what mattered most to us about that study, is 527 00:30:01,276 --> 00:30:03,796 Speaker 1: that it's not just that people work harder at empathy 528 00:30:03,836 --> 00:30:06,556 Speaker 1: when it's really fun and easy, they work harder at 529 00:30:06,556 --> 00:30:10,116 Speaker 1: it when it's hard. Think it's important to note in 530 00:30:10,116 --> 00:30:13,396 Speaker 1: this conversation, and I imagine there are many listeners of 531 00:30:13,396 --> 00:30:15,956 Speaker 1: a slight change of plans in particular that fall into 532 00:30:15,956 --> 00:30:20,396 Speaker 1: this camp, which is having too much empathy. You note 533 00:30:20,476 --> 00:30:23,876 Speaker 1: that it can debilitate us psychologically, it can prevent us 534 00:30:23,876 --> 00:30:28,316 Speaker 1: from doing our jobs. And conventional guidance for people in 535 00:30:29,036 --> 00:30:32,836 Speaker 1: high empathy professions in particular, so people like first responders, 536 00:30:32,836 --> 00:30:36,756 Speaker 1: healthcare workers, etc. Is for them to engage in more 537 00:30:36,836 --> 00:30:40,236 Speaker 1: self care. But you offer up another way of thinking 538 00:30:40,276 --> 00:30:44,156 Speaker 1: about this problem altogether. And look, I think there are 539 00:30:44,236 --> 00:30:47,676 Speaker 1: multiple solutions to obviously a single problem. I mean, for one, 540 00:30:47,756 --> 00:30:51,276 Speaker 1: we shouldn't have our first responders working sixteen hour shifts. 541 00:30:51,276 --> 00:30:53,716 Speaker 1: That's in humane, and so we have to have protections 542 00:30:53,716 --> 00:30:56,836 Speaker 1: for people. But there is a shift in mindset we 543 00:30:56,876 --> 00:31:01,236 Speaker 1: can have around the kind of empathy we feel. And 544 00:31:01,596 --> 00:31:03,196 Speaker 1: you talk about the fact that we don't want to 545 00:31:03,276 --> 00:31:06,316 Speaker 1: rid ourselves that the empathy altogether, because certain types of 546 00:31:06,316 --> 00:31:10,036 Speaker 1: empathy can actually be protective against burnouts. So walk me 547 00:31:10,076 --> 00:31:11,436 Speaker 1: through some of this work because it might be a 548 00:31:11,476 --> 00:31:14,556 Speaker 1: little counterintuitive for people. Yeah, I want to start by 549 00:31:14,676 --> 00:31:17,516 Speaker 1: just thanking you for acknowledging the structural piece here. You know, 550 00:31:17,556 --> 00:31:20,116 Speaker 1: it's so important that as a psychologist I focus on 551 00:31:20,116 --> 00:31:23,716 Speaker 1: people's minds and their emotions, but the structure is and 552 00:31:23,836 --> 00:31:26,956 Speaker 1: culture around us matters so much and so you're exactly right. 553 00:31:26,996 --> 00:31:29,836 Speaker 1: I mean, the first step towards decreasing burnout is building 554 00:31:29,836 --> 00:31:32,876 Speaker 1: a just system for the people who work within it. Yeah, 555 00:31:32,876 --> 00:31:34,956 Speaker 1: it's like, if you're getting three hours of sleep at night, 556 00:31:35,116 --> 00:31:37,276 Speaker 1: only so much a mindset shift can do. Let's be 557 00:31:37,356 --> 00:31:39,956 Speaker 1: reasonable here, please, right, please, there are limits on the 558 00:31:39,956 --> 00:31:43,596 Speaker 1: power of the mind when it's severely sleep deprived and underfed. 559 00:31:43,956 --> 00:31:45,956 Speaker 1: You know, in my book, I talk about my older 560 00:31:46,036 --> 00:31:48,916 Speaker 1: daughter who had a very difficult birth and then was 561 00:31:48,956 --> 00:31:51,836 Speaker 1: in in NIKKIU for a long time, and the people 562 00:31:52,316 --> 00:31:54,876 Speaker 1: who cared for her and really cared for my wife 563 00:31:54,876 --> 00:31:58,476 Speaker 1: and I as well. We're empathic superheroes. I mean, we 564 00:31:58,556 --> 00:32:00,956 Speaker 1: needed them so much, and they were there for us 565 00:32:00,996 --> 00:32:03,436 Speaker 1: at such a deep level. And as I got out 566 00:32:03,476 --> 00:32:05,836 Speaker 1: of the fog of worrying about my daughter, I started 567 00:32:05,876 --> 00:32:08,396 Speaker 1: to kind of worry about them because I thought, how 568 00:32:08,436 --> 00:32:11,476 Speaker 1: do you do this every day? Go home to your 569 00:32:11,516 --> 00:32:13,396 Speaker 1: own families, and then come back and do it again. 570 00:32:13,476 --> 00:32:17,316 Speaker 1: So I ended up shadowing the nurses and physicians and 571 00:32:17,396 --> 00:32:20,676 Speaker 1: texts on that unit, and I've found that many of 572 00:32:20,716 --> 00:32:24,876 Speaker 1: them were empathizing so much that they were really losing themselves. 573 00:32:25,436 --> 00:32:27,276 Speaker 1: You know, I think many of us these days, even 574 00:32:27,276 --> 00:32:29,476 Speaker 1: if we're not healthcare workers have this sense that we're 575 00:32:29,756 --> 00:32:32,876 Speaker 1: drinking from a fire hose of human misery. They were 576 00:32:32,916 --> 00:32:34,836 Speaker 1: doing it at their jobs. We might be doing it 577 00:32:34,836 --> 00:32:37,796 Speaker 1: when we doom scroll at one in the morning. But 578 00:32:37,836 --> 00:32:40,316 Speaker 1: there's just so much pain out there, and it's very 579 00:32:40,356 --> 00:32:44,076 Speaker 1: easy to feel overwhelmed and shut down. One choice that 580 00:32:44,116 --> 00:32:46,356 Speaker 1: we often feel we have to make is then to say, Okay, 581 00:32:46,396 --> 00:32:48,916 Speaker 1: do I keep on empathizing and wear myself into a 582 00:32:49,036 --> 00:32:51,956 Speaker 1: nub or do I stop? Do I shut off my 583 00:32:52,076 --> 00:32:56,276 Speaker 1: empathy as a kind of self preservation mechanism. It turns out, though, 584 00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:59,356 Speaker 1: that we don't need to see it in such black 585 00:32:59,356 --> 00:33:01,716 Speaker 1: and white terms, that you don't have to choose between 586 00:33:02,276 --> 00:33:05,956 Speaker 1: burning out and empathizing or protecting yourself by becoming callous. 587 00:33:06,276 --> 00:33:08,756 Speaker 1: And this gets back to the same three pieces of 588 00:33:09,356 --> 00:33:11,876 Speaker 1: that we were talking about earlier. Yes, and you were 589 00:33:11,876 --> 00:33:16,116 Speaker 1: talking about how emotional empathy is so palpable. It feels 590 00:33:16,116 --> 00:33:19,316 Speaker 1: like that's what empathy is to many people. I think 591 00:33:19,316 --> 00:33:21,476 Speaker 1: that a lot of people who care deeply for others 592 00:33:21,676 --> 00:33:23,476 Speaker 1: think that the only way that they can express that 593 00:33:23,556 --> 00:33:26,956 Speaker 1: care is by feeling what other people feel. But it 594 00:33:26,996 --> 00:33:30,236 Speaker 1: turns out that that type of empathy is the easiest 595 00:33:30,276 --> 00:33:35,196 Speaker 1: one to burn out. It's the path through which we 596 00:33:35,236 --> 00:33:37,556 Speaker 1: get overwhelmed, and it's the path through which we end 597 00:33:37,596 --> 00:33:39,476 Speaker 1: up feeling like we don't have anything left to give, 598 00:33:40,356 --> 00:33:45,596 Speaker 1: whereas cognitive empathy and especially empathic concern turn out in 599 00:33:45,876 --> 00:33:50,276 Speaker 1: medical professionals and healthcare workers to be protective against burnout. 600 00:33:50,636 --> 00:33:53,396 Speaker 1: So it's amazing, right, I mean, empathy is not just 601 00:33:53,436 --> 00:33:57,196 Speaker 1: one thing. It's complicated, and different pieces of empathy could 602 00:33:57,676 --> 00:34:00,636 Speaker 1: either put you at risk or protect you from that 603 00:34:00,796 --> 00:34:05,396 Speaker 1: very same risk. And you know, to dig into some 604 00:34:05,436 --> 00:34:09,356 Speaker 1: of the risks of emotional empathy because it does me 605 00:34:09,436 --> 00:34:12,276 Speaker 1: that when you are in cognitive empathy mode, when you're 606 00:34:12,316 --> 00:34:16,556 Speaker 1: in empathic concern mode, it's a very other minded orientation 607 00:34:16,836 --> 00:34:21,036 Speaker 1: where you're almost exclusively focused on relieving the other person's 608 00:34:21,036 --> 00:34:25,836 Speaker 1: pain through problem solving. If you're in the emotional empathic space, 609 00:34:26,396 --> 00:34:30,116 Speaker 1: all of a sudden, you're now carrying a mental burden 610 00:34:30,156 --> 00:34:32,916 Speaker 1: that you can be very eager to relieve yourself of, 611 00:34:33,276 --> 00:34:35,916 Speaker 1: or you might look for a quick fix just because 612 00:34:35,956 --> 00:34:38,276 Speaker 1: you're feeling distressed. Like I can just imagine it having 613 00:34:38,356 --> 00:34:43,516 Speaker 1: distortionary impact. That's extremely insightful and well put because when 614 00:34:43,596 --> 00:34:48,236 Speaker 1: you feel personal distressed, your goal changes. It's not any 615 00:34:48,316 --> 00:34:50,356 Speaker 1: longer that I just need to be there for this person, 616 00:34:50,396 --> 00:34:53,836 Speaker 1: It's I want to stop feeling bad right now. Yeah. 617 00:34:53,876 --> 00:34:57,956 Speaker 1: But if you feel compassion, your goal is to help 618 00:34:57,996 --> 00:35:00,956 Speaker 1: the other person, and that goal cannot be satisfied by 619 00:35:01,076 --> 00:35:04,716 Speaker 1: merely doing whatever it takes to feel better yourself. Yeah. 620 00:35:04,996 --> 00:35:09,836 Speaker 1: So interesting. If we do suffer from turn out, if 621 00:35:09,836 --> 00:35:13,996 Speaker 1: we do feel the burden of sharing in other people's emotions, 622 00:35:14,596 --> 00:35:17,956 Speaker 1: what can we do to re orient ourselves towards more 623 00:35:18,036 --> 00:35:22,516 Speaker 1: of a cognitive empathy empathic concern way of thinking. Like 624 00:35:22,596 --> 00:35:24,476 Speaker 1: I'm just thinking, I mean, it makes so much sense, 625 00:35:24,836 --> 00:35:26,996 Speaker 1: but I'm trying to give people a means towards that 626 00:35:27,196 --> 00:35:30,476 Speaker 1: end in case they're really eager to dive in. There 627 00:35:30,516 --> 00:35:33,596 Speaker 1: are a lot of great contemplative practices that help with 628 00:35:33,756 --> 00:35:39,196 Speaker 1: tuning our empathy away from personal distress and towards compassion. 629 00:35:39,236 --> 00:35:42,116 Speaker 1: A lot of these drawn from sort of the Buddhist tradition, 630 00:35:42,236 --> 00:35:46,036 Speaker 1: but there are these practices in mindful self compassion as well. 631 00:35:46,476 --> 00:35:49,516 Speaker 1: You can find videos and scripts for this on YouTube 632 00:35:49,556 --> 00:35:53,716 Speaker 1: all over the place that again help orient us not 633 00:35:53,916 --> 00:35:58,316 Speaker 1: towards how we are reacting to somebody, but towards their 634 00:35:58,396 --> 00:36:01,756 Speaker 1: reality and what we can do for them. And it's 635 00:36:01,796 --> 00:36:05,436 Speaker 1: a slight change of mindset, but it's enormously important to 636 00:36:05,596 --> 00:36:09,076 Speaker 1: basically the extent that we can realize that we are 637 00:36:09,116 --> 00:36:12,036 Speaker 1: are not the ones going through this situation. You know, 638 00:36:12,076 --> 00:36:15,316 Speaker 1: one of the nurses at the Nikku that I shadowed 639 00:36:15,316 --> 00:36:17,836 Speaker 1: from my book had this practice of when she was 640 00:36:17,836 --> 00:36:19,956 Speaker 1: with the family who was going through a tragedy or 641 00:36:19,996 --> 00:36:22,596 Speaker 1: a really difficult time, she would be there for them, 642 00:36:22,676 --> 00:36:24,596 Speaker 1: and then she would go to the kind of break 643 00:36:24,716 --> 00:36:27,916 Speaker 1: room and just sit and repeat to herself, this is 644 00:36:27,956 --> 00:36:31,716 Speaker 1: not my tragedy, And that's not at all to be callous. 645 00:36:31,756 --> 00:36:34,876 Speaker 1: She cared enormously about those people, but in fact, she 646 00:36:34,996 --> 00:36:38,356 Speaker 1: was more capable of caring for them effectively when she 647 00:36:38,476 --> 00:36:41,476 Speaker 1: got herself out of the equation, when she focused on 648 00:36:41,756 --> 00:36:43,636 Speaker 1: the good she could do for them instead of the 649 00:36:43,636 --> 00:37:19,236 Speaker 1: bad that she was feeling. Hey, thanks so much for listening. 650 00:37:19,796 --> 00:37:22,916 Speaker 1: On next week's episode, we'll hear from writer Kelly Corrigan. 651 00:37:23,676 --> 00:37:26,916 Speaker 1: Kelly shares how parenting her two kids went to exactly 652 00:37:26,956 --> 00:37:31,036 Speaker 1: according to plan and still left her reeling it is different. 653 00:37:31,436 --> 00:37:34,316 Speaker 1: It is over, like that part is over and it's fine, 654 00:37:34,396 --> 00:37:37,316 Speaker 1: Like I'm going to have a great forty years, but 655 00:37:37,876 --> 00:37:42,476 Speaker 1: there's no denying that, Like the big page has been 656 00:37:42,556 --> 00:37:46,596 Speaker 1: turned and I'm something else now. To them, I'm something different. 657 00:37:56,636 --> 00:37:59,676 Speaker 1: A Slight Change of Plans is created, written, and executive 658 00:37:59,676 --> 00:38:03,356 Speaker 1: produced by me Maya Schunker. The Slight Change Family includes 659 00:38:03,396 --> 00:38:07,476 Speaker 1: our showrunner Tyler Green, our senior editor Kate Parkinson Morgan, 660 00:38:07,876 --> 00:38:12,436 Speaker 1: our sound engineer Drew Bastola, and our associate producer Sarah McCrae. 661 00:38:13,156 --> 00:38:16,436 Speaker 1: Louise Scara wrote our delightful theme song, and Ginger Smith 662 00:38:16,476 --> 00:38:19,836 Speaker 1: helped arrange the vocals. A Slight Change of Plans is 663 00:38:19,876 --> 00:38:23,316 Speaker 1: a production of Pushkin Industry, So big thanks to everyone there, 664 00:38:23,916 --> 00:38:27,036 Speaker 1: and of course, of very special thanks to Jimmy Lee. 665 00:38:28,756 --> 00:38:31,236 Speaker 1: You can follow A Slight Change of Plans on Instagram 666 00:38:31,276 --> 00:38:56,196 Speaker 1: at doctor Maya Schunker. I love that reflection, Maya. I 667 00:38:56,236 --> 00:38:59,316 Speaker 1: think it's so critical when we reflect on our own 668 00:38:59,316 --> 00:39:02,836 Speaker 1: empathic biases to not just say I tend to be 669 00:39:02,876 --> 00:39:08,116 Speaker 1: more attractive. I'm sorry. That's one more time at Jamiel 670 00:39:08,236 --> 00:39:10,356 Speaker 1: at the Truth. Okay,