Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, and welcome back to
Speaker 1: the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners.
Speaker 1: Wherever you are in the world, it is so great
Speaker 1: to have you here. Back for another episode as we,
Speaker 1: of course break down the psychology of our twenties. Here's
Speaker 1: a question for you. How often do you find yourself
Speaker 1: thinking about the past. How often do you find yourself
Speaker 1: daydreaming about your first year at college, or that like
Speaker 1: amazing summer you had five years ago, the start of
Speaker 1: a relationship, your childhood in those moments, do you feel
Speaker 1: happier afterwards or sad that, no matter what you do,
Speaker 1: you can't go back to that time or relive those moments.
Speaker 1: If you answered sad, or if you feel a real
Speaker 1: deep sense of longing, you may or may not be
Speaker 1: getting stuck in what I like to call the nostalgia trap,
Speaker 1: spending more time in the past and in your memories
Speaker 1: and in those really amazing moments than in the present,
Speaker 1: and constantly feeling like it was so amazing back then,
Speaker 1: and it's never going to be as good as it was,
Speaker 1: And I want to talk about it today because I
Speaker 1: think a lot of us are finding ourselves in that
Speaker 1: trap these days. Nostalgia is a funny emotion in our
Speaker 1: twenties because although we are still objectively so young, any
Speaker 1: person over thirty or forty would tell you that there
Speaker 1: is still this sense that we are living out what
Speaker 1: most people would call the best year of best years
Speaker 1: of our lives. You know, there's already this sense of anticipatory,
Speaker 1: noess for these moments that aren't even over yet. But
Speaker 1: on the other hand, we're also getting to an age
Speaker 1: where we have enough formative memories and years to look
Speaker 1: back on and miss, and it can honestly leave us
Speaker 1: feeling really down about the future and whether it will
Speaker 1: ever measure up to the amazing memories that we've made.
Speaker 1: Let me say this, Nostalgia can be really good for
Speaker 1: some things. It can keep us grateful, positive, It can
Speaker 1: bond us to people who were in those memories and
Speaker 1: in those moments with us. There is even evidence that
Speaker 1: it can shield us from negative emotions. But it can
Speaker 1: also cause us to honestly feel quite stuck, to miss
Speaker 1: out on the present, to just feel a real deep
Speaker 1: sense of longing, and also to not be as optimistic
Speaker 1: for the future. So in today's episode, I want to
Speaker 1: discuss why that is, Where does nostalgia really come from,
Speaker 1: what purpose does it serve, and most importantly, what happens
Speaker 1: when it begins to take over. There is no doubt
Speaker 1: in my mind at least that this generation is more
Speaker 1: nostalgic than ever. We see that in the resurgence of movies,
Speaker 1: TV shows, you know, picking up childhood hobbies as a
Speaker 1: form of escapism. Why is that the case and how
Speaker 1: do we handle this increased level of nostalgia in a
Speaker 1: healthy way. I am someone who is incredibly sentimental. I
Speaker 1: romanticize the past, probably too much. So I'm in the
Speaker 1: same boat as you guys. I am a twenty something
Speaker 1: already feeling like the best years are behind me. And
Speaker 1: I know that sounds ridiculous, but I've just been having
Speaker 1: a whole lot of nostalgia recently. I think because I've
Speaker 1: been traveling a lot, and I was staying at this
Speaker 1: like beautiful airbnb in Bali, and I think because it
Speaker 1: was such an oasis and my mind was so quiet
Speaker 1: I really started reflecting on all the wonderful moments in
Speaker 1: my life and panicking maybe not recreating them whilst I'm
Speaker 1: literally in paradise. So I get that it's quite a
Speaker 1: complex feeling, and I just want to discuss the science
Speaker 1: and of course the psychology behind it and the secret
Speaker 1: world of nostalgia. I'm really excited to share everything that
Speaker 1: I've learned with you and to help us all cope
Speaker 1: a little bit more without further ado. Let's get into it.
Speaker 1: Let's get our basics downpat to begin with, before we
Speaker 1: dive into why we get stuck in the past. There
Speaker 1: are two types of nostalgia. There is historical nostalgia and
Speaker 1: personal nostalgia. So historical nostalgia is a little bit less common,
Speaker 1: and it's, you know, nostalgia for a time and a
Speaker 1: place that you've never been, that you've never existed in.
Speaker 1: Even so, if you've ever seen people post about being
Speaker 1: born in the wrong generation, in the wrong decade, that's
Speaker 1: kind of an example of historical nostalgia, wanting to return
Speaker 1: to a time period like the sixties or the nineties
Speaker 1: or wherever where people imagine life was better, even though
Speaker 1: it probably wasn't the kind of nostalgia that we're talking
Speaker 1: about today, though, is personal nostalgia, and that is wishing
Speaker 1: to return to a memory, a time, a moment that
Speaker 1: you have already experienced yourself. When we're talking about this
Speaker 1: kind of nostalgia, we are talking about an emotional state
Speaker 1: that combines our memories, that combines some form of sentimentality
Speaker 1: and pleasure, kind of delight and getting to experience a
Speaker 1: small bit of a feeling and a time for ourselves again.
Speaker 1: But it also has this undertone.
Speaker 2: Of melancholy and pain. It's a positive remembering because we
Speaker 2: really can only feel nostalgia about good experiences that we
Speaker 2: enjoyed or felt happy in, or that we now see
Speaker 2: as being valuable. But it's not necessary soroughly a positive
Speaker 2: emotion because in this process of remembering, our nostalgia often
Speaker 2: stirs up this deeper feeling of like longing for a
Speaker 2: time we can never get back to and therefore feeling
Speaker 2: quite stuck. I think the aching and the subtle sadness,
Speaker 2: the longing is what really makes nostalgia nostalgia. Actually, if
Speaker 2: you were to look at the Greek origins of the word,
Speaker 2: you would find that it actually comes from two words
Speaker 2: nostos meaning homecoming and our goss meaning pain. So in
Speaker 2: that way, it's also really close to the meaning of
Speaker 2: the word a homesickness, right. I think that that's something
Speaker 2: that we can all relate to. Nostalgia is, you know,
Speaker 2: not a sickness, but a longing for a time and
Speaker 2: a home that we were once in. It's really different
Speaker 2: from emotions and feelings like happiness, sadness, anger, because they're
Speaker 2: often so straightforward, right, they're very easy to identify, But
Speaker 2: nostalgia is nuanced. It's a mix of good and bad,
Speaker 2: which means that we can find it hard to place.
Speaker 2: But also it creates this like weird relationship where sometimes
Speaker 2: it can be pleasant when you're not like, you know,
Speaker 2: you're reminiscing with a friend, you're thinking back on a
Speaker 2: really nice time in your life. But then on the
Speaker 2: flip side, when you go too far, you get overwhelmed
Speaker 2: by these really existential anxieties about time passing, about the
Speaker 2: years slipping by, about happiness and dread and fear. So
Speaker 2: why do we actually feel this emotion? What is its purpose?
Speaker 2: I think that's the biggest question of the day. Nostalgia
Speaker 2: is in part caused by this thing called rosy retrospection,
Speaker 2: the tendency to recall the past more positively then it
Speaker 2: was actually experienced. Basically, the word rosy retrospection comes from
Speaker 2: putting rose colored classes on. I think about this all
Speaker 2: the time and how often I fall into this form
Speaker 2: of false or incorrect remembering just recently, I caught up
Speaker 2: with my old friend Sam, who I was really really
Speaker 2: close to it, and we were just telling, you know,
Speaker 2: like stories about the good old days over coffee in
Speaker 2: Surrey Hills and thinking about those times in our lives.
Speaker 2: And of course, you know, we weren't thinking about the
Speaker 2: times when we were super stressed or heartbroken or socially anxious,
Speaker 2: or when you know, we drank too much or we
Speaker 2: were in fights with people. We only thought about the
Speaker 2: good things. We only could really hone in on the
Speaker 2: laughter and the positive memories. And even when we were
Speaker 2: kind of like when I was leaving and I was like, Wow,
Speaker 2: that was really really nice, and I'm thinking back on
Speaker 2: all these times, I kind of like was calling myself
Speaker 2: out a bit. I was like, well, it wasn't all
Speaker 2: like that, and I know that it wasn't all like that,
Speaker 2: But no matter how hard I tried, I can't really
Speaker 2: remember many of those details. That is rosy retrospection. The
Speaker 2: reason this happens is because our brain has adapted to
Speaker 2: kind of weed out the bad memories over time if
Speaker 2: they don't particularly serve us. If you've ever seen the
Speaker 2: movie Inside Out, there is the scene in which the
Speaker 2: emotion joy basically is like, Oh, we don't need these memories,
Speaker 2: these bad memories. I'm just gonna get rid of them,
Speaker 2: because you know, it's kind of better to have more
Speaker 2: happy memories than sad memories. Anyway, that's a movie, but
Speaker 2: it's also something that does really happen. This helps us
Speaker 2: maintain a more positive sense of self, which is what
Speaker 2: we want. So nostalgia on some level can stop us
Speaker 2: reminiscing and all the bad and terrible times and keep
Speaker 2: us focused on the good times. I think this theory
Speaker 2: does get a little bit complicated when we start thinking
Speaker 2: about PTSD, because in those instances, people only focus on
Speaker 2: their negative memories and their intense trauma. That is just
Speaker 2: a whole other episode. But on a similar note, there
Speaker 2: was a research paper published back in twenty fourteen that
Speaker 2: also suggests that based on this rosy retrospection principle, Nostalgia
Speaker 2: can be men cognitively emotionally protective because of the warm,
Speaker 2: fund fuzzy feelings that it produces and that we can
Speaker 2: voluntarily tap into. So, of course, nostalgia is sometimes triggered
Speaker 2: by a smell or a movie or a song, or
Speaker 2: returning to like a city that you used to live in,
Speaker 2: but we can also call on it deliberately, and so
Speaker 2: when we're going through periods of isolation or things are
Speaker 2: just kind of not working out for us, nostalgia acts
Speaker 2: as a sort of mental time travel, and so, as
Speaker 2: one researcher suggests, it also helps us feel like we
Speaker 2: are more in control. Let me explain that for a moment.
Speaker 2: So if, for example, you know you've just had an
Speaker 2: awful friendship breakup, you're feeling really stuck in your job,
Speaker 2: you're feeling stuck in life. A lot of these circumstances
Speaker 2: are beyond your control. But when you consciously tap into
Speaker 2: your old memories, they are within your control because they
Speaker 2: have already happened. You know what to expect, you know
Speaker 2: what feeling they're going to elicit, and that is a
Speaker 2: positive one. So it helps you regulate your emotional experience.
Speaker 2: Think about why we reminisce so much at funerals or graduations. Yes,
Speaker 2: obviously it's like the context is the end of something.
Speaker 2: But you know, the end of something stings and it hurts,
Speaker 2: and it's out of our control. But we can lessen
Speaker 2: that sting by thinking about all the good things that
Speaker 2: have come from that experience and shielding ourselves from the
Speaker 2: brunt of it, using our nostalgia to stop us getting
Speaker 2: really bogged down in the grief in the end. If
Speaker 2: you want a study that kind of backs this up,
Speaker 2: there was this author, doctor Yang, who conducted a series
Speaker 2: of experiments on people a few years back, and he
Speaker 2: found that when participants in his study were asked to
Speaker 2: reminisce on a really beautiful time in their life, they
Speaker 2: were encouraged to be nostalgic. They were less likely to
Speaker 2: perceive the pain or the sting of a small electric
Speaker 2: current versus people who were asked to just think about
Speaker 2: the future. So it was almost like sitting back in
Speaker 2: the memories of your past. Going back to that time
Speaker 2: stopped you from feeling the pain of the present. And
Speaker 2: you know what that sounds like to me? That sounds
Speaker 2: like nostalgia, maybe a form of escapism. It is a
Speaker 2: way to distance ourselves from our lives. Another explanation comes
Speaker 2: from possibly the biggest academic in this specific domain of
Speaker 2: nostalgia psychology. Her name is doctor Christine Barcher, and I
Speaker 2: love what she has to say about this because I've
Speaker 2: never thought about it in this way before. But on
Speaker 2: the Speaking of Psychology podcast, which is another amazing psychology
Speaker 2: podcast if you're sick of mine, she was interviewed and
Speaker 2: she explains how nostalgia helps unite our sense of self.
Speaker 2: It helps unite who we were before and who we
Speaker 2: are now and create this like a line or sense
Speaker 2: of continuity between the different versions of ourselves. I have
Speaker 2: never thought about it in that way that nostalgia may
Speaker 2: be a form of identity preservation. But it makes a
Speaker 2: lot of sense. Right If we never thought about who
Speaker 2: we were in the past, the memories that have made
Speaker 2: us who we are today, what we were like the
Speaker 2: happy times, I think we would be a lot more
Speaker 2: shallow as people and also a little bit lost because
Speaker 2: we aren't able to tap into how our past self
Speaker 2: treated a situation or what makes us us. The final
Speaker 2: theory about why we experience nostalgia is that being able
Speaker 2: to look back at old memories gives us the opportunity
Speaker 2: to connect with others. Like I was telling you this
Speaker 2: example of me meeting up with an old friend, we
Speaker 2: tapped into those joint experiences that we felt so funnly
Speaker 2: about and it gave us a chance to really reinforce
Speaker 2: an old bond. But it can also help us problems
Speaker 2: solve as well, Like there is a lot of knowledge
Speaker 2: and a lot of information in the past, and nostalgia
Speaker 2: is our way of tapping into those to benefit our
Speaker 2: current selves, to benefit our current relationships, to benefit our
Speaker 2: current mental states. So, yes, a few explanations, most of
Speaker 2: them good or at least showing how nostalgia serves some
Speaker 2: function when we look at it that way. What's really interesting,
Speaker 2: and I did mention this at the beginning, though, is
Speaker 2: that for all of those benefits, there has been a
Speaker 2: lot of suggestions from researchers and psychologists that this generation
Speaker 2: is experiencing more nostalgia than ever, so they are relying
Speaker 2: on its function and its utility for emotional protection, for
Speaker 2: social connection more than any other generation ever has. Think
Speaker 2: about this in terms of pop culture, last year we
Speaker 2: saw Barbie break every single box office record like therever
Speaker 2: is there you are. Currently, you know, Hollywood is releasing
Speaker 2: a bunch of movies based around childhood nostalgia. Childhood TV
Speaker 2: shows objects, you know, things from the past. We're all
Speaker 2: listening to like early two thousand throwbacks. We're like getting
Speaker 2: back into childhood hobbies like getting digital cameras or journaling
Speaker 2: or scrapbooking or collecting trinkets. And you know, even on
Speaker 2: a personal level, I have so many friends who have
Speaker 2: like said to me recently, like, oh, remember the good
Speaker 2: old days. I just can't stop thinking about it. We
Speaker 2: should go back to where we went to Uni. We
Speaker 2: should go back to these times. Here's why I think
Speaker 2: this is happening, and it comes down to two elements.
Speaker 2: The world is just really, really tough right now. We
Speaker 2: are more stressed than ever. We are more overwhelmed by
Speaker 2: just like literally the chaos of living, and we're very disconnected.
Speaker 2: So we are resorting to nostalgia as a pretty detective
Speaker 2: defense mechanism. We know from a twenty sixteen study that
Speaker 2: we experience nostalgia more when our mood is lower because
Speaker 2: it helps us feel better. It can also leave us
Speaker 2: feeling like we've returned somewhere safe that is familiar. And
Speaker 2: you know, it's a tough world out there. Maybe we
Speaker 2: need more of that. We really want the comfort of
Speaker 2: the past. And secondly, I think that it's a lingering
Speaker 2: effect of the pandemic and how that whole time in
Speaker 2: our lives put us in a weird limbo state for
Speaker 2: a few years when a lot of us were just
Speaker 2: starting out as adults. There was a before and there
Speaker 2: was an after, and it really kind of threw a
Speaker 2: spanner in the works of our timelines and our memories,
Speaker 2: and for many of us that experienced that in our
Speaker 2: in our early twenties, it kind of feels like this
Speaker 2: decade is now split into two parts. So we are
Speaker 2: feeling nostalgic a lot sooner for what life was before
Speaker 2: because of what some researchers are calling the pandemic skip,
Speaker 2: feeling like we skipped a lot of our life and
Speaker 2: our milestones because of those lockdowns that were obviously absolutely
Speaker 2: necessary because of that period of disease and fear, And
Speaker 2: so we are consequently more nostalgic for the past for
Speaker 2: a time before the pandemic. But it also feels like
Speaker 2: because we lived through that like one two year period
Speaker 2: where we weren't really doing anything that suddenly we like
Speaker 2: put a stop to everything that was making us experience
Speaker 2: our youth and our joy so much and kind of
Speaker 2: were pushed straight into the adult world. We feel more
Speaker 2: nostalgic for that time before. Hopefully that makes sense. Hopefully
Speaker 2: you can resonate with that. But this can create problems though,
Speaker 2: because whilst feeling nostalgic, maybe instinctial, maybe in these circumstances,
Speaker 2: is actually quite beneficial and is protecting us from some
Speaker 2: kind of negative mental state, it can definitely go too far.
Speaker 2: It can definitely become, as I said before, a form
Speaker 2: of escapism, and that is what I've been hearing a
Speaker 2: lot from you guys from the listeners. I had this
Speaker 2: story from someone the other day. He was like, I
Speaker 2: don't even want to go out anymore, Like why would
Speaker 2: I keep living this life that I have? Why would
Speaker 2: I invest in new memories where my old memories are
Speaker 2: so good. Let's talk about it, because that is no
Speaker 2: way to live your life. You only get one of them.
Speaker 2: I feel like we all want to be more present.
Speaker 2: How can we do that? How can we break out
Speaker 2: of the nostalgia chap. We're going to talk about all
Speaker 2: of that and more after this short break. The saying
Speaker 2: always goes too much of anything, even a good thing
Speaker 2: can quickly become a bad thing, And the same goes
Speaker 2: for our nostalgia. There is always a point for me
Speaker 2: when it switches from reminiscing and feeling really happy about
Speaker 2: all the memories that I've made with the people that
Speaker 2: I love to wondering and getting really stuck in this
Speaker 2: quite dark bubble of like, is it ever going to
Speaker 2: get as good as that? Is it ever going to
Speaker 2: be like it was then? And the answer is like,
Speaker 2: I don't know, And that answer is a scary one
Speaker 2: because it's quite uncertain. It's also really tapping into a
Speaker 2: big fear that a lot of us twenty somethings have.
Speaker 2: This decade is depicted as the best years of our
Speaker 2: lives and full of spark and our greatest moments. The
Speaker 2: older we get, the more scary it becomes, and the
Speaker 2: more detached we feel from this period and from these golden,
Speaker 2: amazing years that everyone is telling us to enjoy. It
Speaker 2: can be hard to not want to hold onto that
Speaker 2: and to not want to be careless and youthful and enthusiastic.
Speaker 2: But I don't think that's a healthy way to think.
Speaker 2: I don't think it's healthy to think that our twenties
Speaker 2: are the best that it's ever going to be, because
Speaker 2: a lot of research actually says that it's not. And
Speaker 2: this is exactly when our nostalgia becomes maladaptive, being harmful, counterproductive.
Speaker 2: It distances you from reality because if your present isn't
Speaker 2: as good as the past, why would you want to
Speaker 2: spend more time there when you can just keep replaying
Speaker 2: what's already happened. It's a cycle. The more time you
Speaker 2: spend in your memories, the worse your present feels, which
Speaker 2: causes you to revert back to nostalgia even more, and
Speaker 2: then you know, the cycle continues to begin to perceive
Speaker 2: your daily life even worse, and it just never ends,
Speaker 2: despite the fact that actually you're probably not remembering those
Speaker 2: moments all that accurate anyway. That's what the whole principle
Speaker 2: of rosy retrospection is telling us. As much as we
Speaker 2: like nostalgia, can we really trust nostalgia? That is the
Speaker 2: key thing. To remember the times you feel nostalgic for
Speaker 2: were they necessarily that much better than where you are now?
Speaker 2: And even if they were, what's to say that it's
Speaker 2: not going to be like that again, just because you're
Speaker 2: in a tough spot regardless moving on from that, it
Speaker 2: stops us from, i think, trying to make do with
Speaker 2: what our current circumstances are, and it can leave us
Speaker 2: feeling quite detached. I had a friend from university that
Speaker 2: I lost touch with a few years back. Super lovely guy,
Speaker 2: so intelligent, but he was someone who would always, without
Speaker 2: fail when we would catch up, he would just want
Speaker 2: to talk about specifically our first year of university, even five, six,
Speaker 2: seven years on, he would bring up like the same
Speaker 2: five memories or moments of us drinking at our college bar,
Speaker 2: or the time that we all were like running around
Speaker 2: and I don't know what we were doing, just like
Speaker 2: funny stuff, crazy stuff, and it almost kind of like
Speaker 2: became a joke between us, like I would tease him.
Speaker 2: I was like, oh my gosh, which memories are you
Speaker 2: going to pull out today? Like I can't wait to reminisce.
Speaker 2: And the older I've gotten, the more I realized that
Speaker 2: still he's not been able to really let go of
Speaker 2: those times. But I think that those memories let him
Speaker 2: get back to a happy place and his life, you know,
Speaker 2: wasn't as good as it was then, and so it
Speaker 2: was a coping mechanism. This often goes hand in hand
Speaker 2: with a phenomenon known as peter Pan syndrome. Peter Pan
Speaker 2: syndrome describes people who don't want to grow up or
Speaker 2: accept responsibility except the future. Maybe an element of that
Speaker 2: is because they are very infatuated with their youth and
Speaker 2: staying young and infatuated with the past. It's a very
Speaker 2: extreme consequence of chronic nostalgia. But it's not like we
Speaker 2: don't see it. Something interesting here that I read about
Speaker 2: the other day was a twenty thirteen report released by
Speaker 2: Georgetown University which spoke about how peter Pan syndrome is
Speaker 2: becoming more common now because of how hard it is
Speaker 2: to transition into adulthood in recent decades, you know, becoming
Speaker 2: financially independent. I think that's one domain where we can
Speaker 2: all relate. It's really hard. It's a lot harder than
Speaker 2: it was for our parents' generation, and it kind of
Speaker 2: means that we want to stay a kid a little
Speaker 2: bit longer before having to face the reality that, oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, I'm probably never going to be able to
Speaker 2: afford a home, I have to pay bills like it's
Speaker 2: this never ending cycle of adult responsibilities that might feel
Speaker 2: really comfortable for a while, but I think we all
Speaker 2: know that sometimes avoidance and suppressing reality, like trying to,
Speaker 2: I don't know, create the illusion that you can stop
Speaker 2: the clock, is you know that illusion is inevitably going
Speaker 2: to fade and you're going to be left with a
Speaker 2: reality that you can't necessarily cope with. One final downside
Speaker 2: of too much nostalgia. It taints the present before we've
Speaker 2: even left it, and it can end up making us
Speaker 2: feel quite existential because we start missing things too soon.
Speaker 2: This is this idea called anticipatory nostalgia, missing something before
Speaker 2: it's even over, feeling sad and anxious whilst you are
Speaker 2: still in the process of making the memory, like when
Speaker 2: you're already thinking about how the holiday is going to end,
Speaker 2: or you meet someone new and amazing and you're already
Speaker 2: contemplating how awful the breakup is going to be. Like
Speaker 2: you move into a new house, you're already picturing moving out.
Speaker 2: That's a personal one. I literally had that thlought recently
Speaker 2: when I moved. I was like, Wow, I wonder what
Speaker 2: it's going to be like to pack up this place.
Speaker 2: And I was like, that's really not healthy because I'm
Speaker 2: already feeling sad for a moment that I haven't in
Speaker 2: a period of time that I haven't even experienced yet,
Speaker 2: and it can honestly feel like time is slipping away.
Speaker 2: What can we do about that? Where is the balance?
Speaker 2: What is the line between feeling reflective and appreciating your
Speaker 2: happy memories and falling into an obsession with the past
Speaker 2: and also falsely believing that that is the best it
Speaker 2: will ever be. Well, I've got four tips for you
Speaker 2: guys today to kind of get back to the bright
Speaker 2: side of nostalgia and break out of the nostalgia trap. Firstly,
Speaker 2: give yourself space for nostalgia and embrace it. This may
Speaker 2: sound counterintuitive, but every emotion has a place and serves
Speaker 2: a function, otherwise they wouldn't exist. I believe that fully,
Speaker 2: and we know that nostalgia is actually quite useful in
Speaker 2: certain situations, so we don't want to ban ourselves from
Speaker 2: ever dipping into the past. Also, because the more you
Speaker 2: deny something, usually the stronger it gets. That's the whole
Speaker 2: principle behind avoidance. It's about balance. But more than that,
Speaker 2: leaning into your nostalgia rather than fighting against it, because
Speaker 2: that just makes it stronger. A few ways that we
Speaker 2: can do this. Firstly, use this tactic that I like
Speaker 2: to call the acknowledged and divert tactic. This basically involves,
Speaker 2: you know, when you feel nostalgia coming up, give yourself
Speaker 2: two to five minutes to feel it, to really be like, yeah,
Speaker 2: that was such a great time. I really miss those people,
Speaker 2: I really miss those memories, and then transition into doing
Speaker 2: something else that is kind of aligned with nostalgia. So,
Speaker 2: for example, swap out thinking about the past for thinking
Speaker 2: about the future. I also like to swap out longing
Speaker 2: for the past with gratitude like Wow, it's amazing that
Speaker 2: I got to have those experiences, rather than I wish
Speaker 2: I was still there. But also keeping a running list
Speaker 2: of things that I'm excited for in the future. And
Speaker 2: every time I feel myself getting sad about the past
Speaker 2: and feel you know, sad about the memories that exist there,
Speaker 2: I like to add myself add something else to that list.
Speaker 2: So I always think about, like when I get my
Speaker 2: first dog, how exciting is that going to be? When
Speaker 2: I get to decorate my own home that I own,
Speaker 2: You know, I think about the next time I get
Speaker 2: to go on vacation and it positions myself to think
Speaker 2: positively about my future memories and their capacity to be amazing,
Speaker 2: rather than only focusing on what comes before. Adding to that,
Speaker 2: I would also say create events, book trips, put things
Speaker 2: in the calendar to look forward to, so that feeling
Speaker 2: nostalgia is not the only thing that comes up. Watch
Speaker 2: just how this works, wonders. I think hope and anticipation
Speaker 2: is such a beautiful antidote to a lot of things,
Speaker 2: not just nostalgia. Secondly, I would say, probe, what about
Speaker 2: those times makes you so reminiscent and happy. Is the
Speaker 2: reason you feel nostalgic for that time when you lived
Speaker 2: with your friends in that big house, or when you
Speaker 2: saw your friends every day, or when you were at
Speaker 2: UNI or at college or in high school? Is it
Speaker 2: because there is something contained in those memories that you
Speaker 2: now feel like you are missing. Is it because you
Speaker 2: are lonelier now? Is it because you feel isolated? It's
Speaker 2: really important to remember that often you're nostalgia is indicating
Speaker 2: to you something that you don't feel like you currently have,
Speaker 2: Something about your current circumstances that needs to shift. Whether
Speaker 2: you need more community, more people, more, I don't know.
Speaker 2: Hope like more work, life balance, more purpose. Whatever it
Speaker 2: is what we feel nostalgic for is usually what we lack,
Speaker 2: because you can't really miss something if you still have it.
Speaker 2: And the same goes for a lot of things, like
Speaker 2: feeling nostalgic not just for the times when you had
Speaker 2: a lot of friends, but feeling nostalgic for a time
Speaker 2: of a lot of freedom or a time when you're
Speaker 2: experiencing a lot of love. The root of nostalgia is longing,
Speaker 2: so by fulfilling that aspect that we miss in our lives,
Speaker 2: by addressing it normally, the nostalgia tends to fade. On
Speaker 2: that note as well, Remember that there are cognitive biases
Speaker 2: at work here that you can't see that is sometimes
Speaker 2: causing you to think about things and think about things
Speaker 2: in the past as being better than they were. If
Speaker 2: you need a little bit of a reality check, try
Speaker 2: and fill in the gaps, not necessarily just to focus
Speaker 2: on the negatives, but make sure that you're not ignoring
Speaker 2: the nuances of your memories. I see this a lot
Speaker 2: with people who have just gone through a breakup. Normally,
Speaker 2: like two to three months down the line, they'll really
Speaker 2: start reminiscing and they'll really start being like, oh, but
Speaker 2: I really like he made me feel amazing, she was
Speaker 2: so kind, she was so smart. Remember that time that
Speaker 2: we went and picnicked and that beautiful thing happened. And
Speaker 2: it's like, that is zero point zero zero one percent
Speaker 2: of that experience, and that is your mind trying to
Speaker 2: keep the positive memories afloat to block out the darkness
Speaker 2: when you really start to fill in the gaps of
Speaker 2: those experiences and when you know, in these situations, I
Speaker 2: encourage people to be like, Okay, but tell me, tell
Speaker 2: me a negative memory, tell me a negative experience. The
Speaker 2: nostalgia also starts to fade because I think you just
Speaker 2: you see things as clearer and more realistically, and you
Speaker 2: stop glamorizing them. Some people can end up falling into
Speaker 2: quite what they call a nostalgic depression, which isn't a
Speaker 2: specific DSM diagnos but basically describes a pattern of symptoms
Speaker 2: surrounding depression that are mainly focused on feeling overwhelmingly dissatisfied
Speaker 2: about the present compared to the past. And I'm not
Speaker 2: sure how common this is, but if you truly can't
Speaker 2: find a way to live in the moment, if you're
Speaker 2: feeling increasingly deflated, exhausted by life, not wanting to try.
Speaker 2: I think that's also where more help is required, and
Speaker 2: a therapist might suggest some things for you to do,
Speaker 2: like mindfulness or focusing on intentional nostalgia rather than spontaneous nostalgia,
Speaker 2: which basically means, like we said before, giving yourself a
Speaker 2: dedicated time to feel nostalgic and to let that inform
Speaker 2: your next steps. To feel grateful for the past, to
Speaker 2: connect with others, but then also refocus on the future,
Speaker 2: refocus on you know what's going on right now. I
Speaker 2: want to say this, for the people who really struggle
Speaker 2: with nostalgia, you would be blown away by how many
Speaker 2: people feel exactly the same way as you do. Who
Speaker 2: wish for a time that has passed, Who wonder if
Speaker 2: it will ever be good as it was before, Who
Speaker 2: watch those golden memories and feel really sad then it's over.
Speaker 2: But here's the thing. When you ask yourself is it
Speaker 2: going to get better? It will? There is your answer.
Speaker 2: And here's how I know why. I know that from
Speaker 2: a study that was published in twenty eighteen in this
Speaker 2: book called the Happiness Curve. This study in this book,
Speaker 2: in general, looked at happiness over our lifetime. We normally
Speaker 2: reach peak happiness around our mid twenties to thirties, so
Speaker 2: that's basically where most of us are at right now.
Speaker 2: We're kind of just passed or reaching or close to
Speaker 2: reaching peak happiness. Then it kind of starts to plateau
Speaker 2: and decrease after our thirties, which is when we tend
Speaker 2: to get more nostalgic. This is when I think we
Speaker 2: start to think that the best years are behind us,
Speaker 2: and just when we lose hope in our forties, in
Speaker 2: our late forties, look at that things start picking up again,
Speaker 2: and by the time we're in our late fifties early sixties,
Speaker 2: we are often the happiest that we have ever been,
Speaker 2: and our nostalgia just becomes gratitude and it goes hand
Speaker 2: in hand with the good experiences that we continue to have.
Speaker 2: So that myth that this is the best years of
Speaker 2: your life not true. Seems you've got a little while
Speaker 2: longer before that happens, and in the meantime, you're still
Speaker 2: going to make really, really, really good memories. I know
Speaker 2: it feels like a long time away, especially if you're
Speaker 2: trapped in the nostalgia cycle right now, but you can't
Speaker 2: feel nostalgic forever. Eventually there will be Eventually you kind
Speaker 2: of start to realize, like, ah, but now I'm feeling
Speaker 2: nostalgic for a time when I was nostalgic about a
Speaker 2: time when I was nostalgic, Like if you kind of
Speaker 2: get where I'm coming from, And it's like, you're still
Speaker 2: making memories in the process that you're going to be
Speaker 2: nostalgic for in three six months, and so your brain
Speaker 2: kind of starts to teach itself like, hmm, maybe it's
Speaker 2: better to focus on these now so that we have
Speaker 2: more to feel thankful for in the future. And it
Speaker 2: will eventually, I think, start to do some of the
Speaker 2: work for you and break you out of the cycle.
Speaker 2: That is the most important thing that I think, actually
Speaker 2: the best way to finish out this episode is to
Speaker 2: remind you fully, wholeheartedly that right now, these days that
Speaker 2: you are living you will eventually look back on fondly,
Speaker 2: and even if you don't look back on them fondly,
Speaker 2: you will find a lesson contained in them, and you
Speaker 2: will find something in them to remember in some positive
Speaker 2: or informative light. So just try your best to focus
Speaker 2: on what's happening around you right now. Even if it's
Speaker 2: a rough time in your life, it's leading you somewhere bigger.
Speaker 2: One day. This will be a memory to reminisce on
Speaker 2: when the good times come back around. I know that
Speaker 2: the nostalgia trap feels so rough sometimes that it also
Speaker 2: sometimes feels really nice to live in the past, when
Speaker 2: everything when we already understood everything that was going to happen.
Speaker 2: But whatever you do, whenever you do, do not base
Speaker 2: your life on just a few memories. Continue to create
Speaker 2: fuel and make more so that your future self has
Speaker 2: more to think about. Your future self has more to
Speaker 2: feel grateful for. Thank you again for listening to this episode.
Speaker 2: Thank you to those of you who suggested it. It
Speaker 2: was a great topic to cover. I feel like the
Speaker 2: more I speak about it to people around me, the
Speaker 2: more people come out of the woodwork and go, oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: I have those existential fears. I have those worries as well.
Speaker 2: So as always, I think that vulnerability unites us, and
Speaker 2: that vulnerability makes us feel less alone. So I hope
Speaker 2: that you learn something. I hope that you can take
Speaker 2: something away and apply it to your own life. If
Speaker 2: you enjoyed this episode, make sure that you're following along
Speaker 2: on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, and please feel free to
Speaker 2: leave a five star review. It helps the show to
Speaker 2: grow so much, and I really appreciate seeing your feedback
Speaker 2: and hearing from you guys, and just knowing you know
Speaker 2: what's going on in your lives, but also what content
Speaker 2: you want to see, what episodes you want to hear.
Speaker 2: So if that, if you've got an episode suggestion, if
Speaker 2: you've got something on your mind, please feel free to
Speaker 2: DM me on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. I would
Speaker 2: love to hear from you. I would love to hear
Speaker 2: you know what you want us to talk about. So
Speaker 2: until next time, until we talk soon, stay safe, stay kind,
Speaker 2: and of course be gentle with yourself