1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,040 Speaker 1: To be honest. I hate your dishonesty. It's one more thing, 2 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,520 Speaker 1: Armstrong and Getty. One more. 3 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 2: First this. We didn't get to this story on the 4 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,520 Speaker 2: Armstrong and Getty radio show, Maybe we will tomorrow. Plane 5 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:19,080 Speaker 2: lands in San Francisco. As soon as it lands, federal 6 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:23,000 Speaker 2: agents rush into the plane, grab one of the pilots 7 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,439 Speaker 2: and take him off in cuffs. Man, if I was 8 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,160 Speaker 2: sitting there, I would think, what the hell is going 9 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:34,159 Speaker 2: on there? Yeah? Was some guy that and run a 10 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:37,919 Speaker 2: foul of child porn laws and they're waiting for him 11 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:39,760 Speaker 2: to land in the United States. 12 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:41,680 Speaker 1: Wow. 13 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,559 Speaker 2: Immediately ran grabbed him and took him away. More on 14 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 2: that on the next Armstrong and Getty radio show. 15 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,120 Speaker 1: Well, you know, you put a cop right there at 16 00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:54,440 Speaker 1: the entrance to the cockpit. He's not going anywhere. 17 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:55,560 Speaker 2: I guess he's kind of odd. 18 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 1: They did that in front of the passenger. They must 19 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:01,120 Speaker 1: have thought he was gonna be a flight risk. 20 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:05,280 Speaker 2: Hey, huh oh stand a plane. 21 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: Yeah. I can't think of any better place to arrest somebody. 22 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,800 Speaker 1: I mean, I get I get your whole passenger thing, 23 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,040 Speaker 1: But I mean, like I said, he can't possibly flee anywhere. 24 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:22,440 Speaker 1: He can hardly even stand up right, Yeah, wow, perf 25 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 1: m ah. So your relationship can handle way more honesty 26 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 1: than you think it can, As I often respond, how 27 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,640 Speaker 1: do you know what I think? In a new study 28 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,520 Speaker 1: from the University of Rochester and Beautiful up State New 29 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,360 Speaker 1: York found that being brutally honest with your partner benefits 30 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:42,400 Speaker 1: both of you even if things get uncomfortable. Wow. 31 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 2: I can't wait to hear the examples because some of 32 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 2: them are clearly well, maybe I'm wrong. I was going 33 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:51,240 Speaker 2: to say, clearly, don't fall under this category that you know? 34 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,880 Speaker 2: Do I look fat in this? But maybe I'm wrong? 35 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 2: Are they going to say that you should tell him 36 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 2: you look fat as a hog in that? 37 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:00,559 Speaker 1: All right? So here's your methodology. Scientists examine two hundred 38 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:03,200 Speaker 1: and fourteen romantic couples who'd been together an average of 39 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:07,760 Speaker 1: fifteen years. There you go. Researchers brought these couples into 40 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,520 Speaker 1: a laboratory and began jabbing them with sharp sticks. No, 41 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,680 Speaker 1: I've made that part up. They had them discuss something 42 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,400 Speaker 1: one partner wanted the other to change, the kind of 43 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 1: conversation most people dread having, and partners took turns being 44 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 1: the person requesting change and the person receiving the feedback. 45 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,160 Speaker 2: This reminds me of one of my best friends texted 46 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,560 Speaker 2: me on Friday that can you believe it's been thirty 47 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:34,520 Speaker 2: two years? They have been married for thirty two years, 48 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:38,160 Speaker 2: he and his wife, And I remember him telling me 49 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,720 Speaker 2: one time he said, sometimes you just gotta take a 50 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,800 Speaker 2: step back so they can't hit you in, say an 51 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:44,679 Speaker 2: uncomfortable thing. 52 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:53,160 Speaker 1: That's a funny way to put it anyway. So getting 53 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,119 Speaker 1: back to the methodology, which is interesting because I haven't 54 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,480 Speaker 1: talked about this for a long time. I used to 55 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:03,080 Speaker 1: make It was a incredibly small amount of money. I 56 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 1: can't even remember if it was five bucks or fifteen 57 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 1: or something. As an undergraduate student at the University of Illinois, 58 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:13,840 Speaker 1: I would answer the little ads the psychology department needed 59 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:19,120 Speaker 1: subjects for experiments, tests, studies, and I would go down 60 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,679 Speaker 1: and I was I did a bunch of them. 61 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,360 Speaker 2: But would they lock you in a box and let 62 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,160 Speaker 2: rats on you? I mean, like, what kind of tests 63 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:25,440 Speaker 2: were you do? 64 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:31,800 Speaker 1: No? No, Indeed, at the time, the Mamby Pamby administration 65 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:35,600 Speaker 1: wouldn't allow anything cruel or pain inducing. But the interesting 66 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,920 Speaker 1: part of it is they would tell you what you 67 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,360 Speaker 1: were doing and sometimes like what they were testing, and 68 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 1: then you would do what they want you to do, 69 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,280 Speaker 1: answer the questions or whatever. Then at the end they'd 70 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,040 Speaker 1: revealed that they weren't really looking into that thing at all. 71 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 1: Oh cool, they throw you off, so you're not like 72 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 1: trying to interesting. Okay, yeah, teach to the test as 73 00:03:55,720 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 1: it were anyway, So here's your method on the examples. No, no, 74 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,040 Speaker 1: I really can't. One might pop into my head. Well 75 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:10,560 Speaker 1: we're talking, I can picture the setting. They erased his 76 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:11,920 Speaker 1: memory when they hooked Hi up to the air. 77 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 2: Someone with the rats nibbling on you. 78 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:19,039 Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh yeah, these weird, unexplained scars roughly rat tooth 79 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:22,080 Speaker 1: shaped anyway. So they they brought the couples into the lab, 80 00:04:22,279 --> 00:04:25,359 Speaker 1: had them discuss something one partner wanted to change, uh, 81 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,120 Speaker 1: the other to change the and and then vice versa. 82 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:33,480 Speaker 1: Before couples talked, participants privately wrote down what they wanted 83 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 1: their partner to change. Then researchers compared what people wrote 84 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 1: in private to what they actually said out loud during 85 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: the recorded conversations. Now they then they also had another 86 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,000 Speaker 1: layer of it. Independent observers watched all the videos a 87 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,680 Speaker 1: bunch of people and rated how honest each person was 88 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,920 Speaker 1: being by comparing their private thoughts to their spoken work. 89 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,960 Speaker 2: But so, is this like a situation where you were 90 00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 2: going to I'm gonna I'm gonna tell them about their 91 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 2: breas you know, when you write down, I'm going to 92 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,599 Speaker 2: tell him that the breath is horrible. They need to 93 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 2: do something about it, something like that. Sure, but then 94 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 2: you get the yips when you have to actually tell 95 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,880 Speaker 2: them when you like, yes, okay. 96 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 1: Yes I do, we do, everyone does. Yeah. It's that 97 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:18,400 Speaker 1: sort of thing. When people were more honest about requesting 98 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:22,120 Speaker 1: changes from their partners, both people in the relationship reported 99 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 1: better emotional well being in higher relationship satisfaction immediately after 100 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:30,440 Speaker 1: the conversation, and researchers found that the couples did not 101 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 1: need to share the same reality about the conversation for 102 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,840 Speaker 1: both people to benefit from it. What mattered more was 103 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 1: that people were actually actually were being honest and that 104 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,200 Speaker 1: their partners perceived them as honest. 105 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,480 Speaker 2: So if I wrote down I'm going to tell him 106 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,520 Speaker 2: about Okay, how about this scenario I'm married to a woman. 107 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,240 Speaker 1: If I almost say, wait a minute, this is an announcement. 108 00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:53,919 Speaker 1: Be cool, we love you, we care about you. It's fine. 109 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,200 Speaker 2: No, I would I think the other problem would complicate 110 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,039 Speaker 2: the marriage with him because I'd have to at some 111 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,360 Speaker 2: point say I'm not gay. So if you've noticed a 112 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:05,440 Speaker 2: lack of intimacy, it's because I'm not getting so. So 113 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:09,080 Speaker 2: if I was going to say to her, your breath 114 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:10,920 Speaker 2: smells like a garbage dump, I don't need to say 115 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 2: it like that. But if I was going to tell 116 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 2: her the act, and then I get in there and 117 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,640 Speaker 2: I say, there are there are Look, there are certain 118 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:27,000 Speaker 2: things about you hygiene wise that I don't dig or 119 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 2: something like that, because I get scared to just say 120 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,400 Speaker 2: it out loud. But if I said it out loud, 121 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,400 Speaker 2: it would be better. 122 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: For both of us, right, not not to be intensely hurtful, 123 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:39,919 Speaker 1: as your quasi humorous example it was, but yeah, just 124 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:44,120 Speaker 1: be be frank. That's more like moral the honesty aspect 125 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,840 Speaker 1: of it, like just come out on saying what you feel. Yeah, 126 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:53,599 Speaker 1: to kind of jump to the end of it. You 127 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:58,200 Speaker 1: are sending the message I am honest with you, and 128 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:03,920 Speaker 1: that underlying principle of your relationship is much more important 129 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:09,400 Speaker 1: than the topic or any momentary discomfort with someone being 130 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,000 Speaker 1: honest with you, because it can be very uncomfortable on a. 131 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,960 Speaker 2: Better example, because I just feel like that one wouldn't 132 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,560 Speaker 2: bother many people. I mean, if if somebody tell me, 133 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,120 Speaker 2: that'd just be oh, well, I need to change things. 134 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 2: They need to brush, I need to get a mint, 135 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,600 Speaker 2: I need to build. But I wouldn't be personally hurt. 136 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 1: Really, it could be a sexual thing. You know, it's 137 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,600 Speaker 1: to this or that or not enough this, or the 138 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 1: way you do that is not only not pleasurable, it's 139 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 1: really annoying and off putting, and you know there are 140 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,080 Speaker 1: ways you could put it that were a little more gentle. 141 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 1: But it could certainly be something like that. Interestingly, researchers 142 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 1: tested their findings across multiple measures, including self reported emotional wellbeing, 143 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:52,160 Speaker 1: relationship satisfaction, and motivation to change. They also had trained 144 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,720 Speaker 1: observers rates the same factors. Patterns held consistent across all measures, 145 00:07:55,760 --> 00:08:00,360 Speaker 1: and interestingly, three months later, many benefits persisted. People who 146 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,680 Speaker 1: had been more honest during the initial discussion reported better 147 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,960 Speaker 1: emotional well being and were more likely to see positive 148 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 1: changes in their partners over time. Which makes sense. Hmm, oh, oh, 149 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: here it is Jack. Study participants were not discussing minor 150 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:18,200 Speaker 1: annoyances either. Changes people requested were specifically chosen to be 151 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,560 Speaker 1: topics they would find uncomfortable to share real issues that 152 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:26,000 Speaker 1: could potentially caused conflict. Yet even in these challenging circumstances, 153 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 1: honesty proved beneficial. 154 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:35,120 Speaker 2: Listen, pillow, princess. Here, hold this youand or a trout, 155 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,320 Speaker 2: and she says, why the truck. You're a like a 156 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,240 Speaker 2: cold fish. That's what you're like. 157 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:44,800 Speaker 1: Wow, that so perfect? Well, yeah, that's that's that's really 158 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:48,920 Speaker 1: good because people love a visual aids B metaphors and 159 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 1: see the smell of a trout, right, yes, fish exactly. 160 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:56,439 Speaker 1: You're like this in bed, Hold it, see how you 161 00:08:56,559 --> 00:09:01,680 Speaker 1: like it. There we go, and she would reply, I 162 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,720 Speaker 1: feel better about our relationship. 163 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:05,960 Speaker 2: This was beneficial. 164 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:11,960 Speaker 1: Thank you. I feel better across several measures of satisfaction. Well, 165 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,199 Speaker 1: I guess that's it.