WEBVTT - The Space Between Heartbreak and Healing 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:04.440 You deserve so much more than what your dad and 0:00:04.960 --> 0:00:08.000 those other men have given you. The real question is 0:00:08.680 --> 0:00:13.119 do you feel worthy of meaningful, respectful and intentional connections 0:00:13.840 --> 0:00:16.640 or are you lowering your standards so much that you 0:00:16.680 --> 0:00:19.639 give access to those who actually don't see your value. 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:23.240 I heard a quote that said your naked body should 0:00:23.280 --> 0:00:25.400 only be available to those who fall in love with 0:00:25.440 --> 0:00:28.920 your naked soul. That you actually are a prize and 0:00:28.960 --> 0:00:31.960 their prize, and you are a person that someone else 0:00:32.040 --> 0:00:34.720 is praying for. And so don't worry about the person 0:00:34.920 --> 0:00:37.920 that's not crying over you, worry about the person that 0:00:38.040 --> 0:00:40.519 is praying for you. I'm Raley Wukiah and on my 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:44.280 podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy and 0:00:44.360 --> 0:00:47.959 the beautiful, providing a space for raw and fielded conversations 0:00:48.000 --> 0:00:51.520 that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn, 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:55.240 connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, and welcome back 0:00:55.280 --> 0:00:57.360 to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry. Thank 0:00:57.400 --> 0:01:00.360 you all so much for listening. I appreciate it. And 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:02.720 if you're new here, hi, and if you are an 0:01:02.760 --> 0:01:05.880 OG listener, thank you for coming back time and time again. 0:01:06.800 --> 0:01:09.120 So this week I wanted to talk about all the 0:01:09.120 --> 0:01:11.679 conversations I have been having with some of my friends 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:15.240 about breakups. I have had some of my favorite people 0:01:15.280 --> 0:01:18.679 in the world, my incredible friends, going through breakups or 0:01:18.680 --> 0:01:22.800 difficult times right now in their relationships, and they are 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:26.039 truly doing the work, like really doing the work to 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:29.440 break patterns that are just not helping them in life 0:01:29.560 --> 0:01:32.640 or in their relationships, patterns that they felt trapped by, 0:01:32.840 --> 0:01:35.880 and just really trying in life, you know, to be fabulous, 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:39.520 incredible partners and people. So firstly, I just want to 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:43.200 shout out to all of you, anybody who is listening 0:01:43.400 --> 0:01:47.360 that's doing the work and struggling through it, because it 0:01:47.400 --> 0:01:51.080 really does feel crappy sometimes, and it really is so 0:01:51.240 --> 0:01:54.520 much effort and so much struggle trying to be better, 0:01:54.960 --> 0:01:57.800 and sometimes it really doesn't feel worth it because of 0:01:57.880 --> 0:02:01.920 how crappy it can feel. But you're still here, You're trying, 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:04.880 you maybe failing a little bit, but you're still bouncing 0:02:04.960 --> 0:02:09.720 back each time because you know you are a baddie, 0:02:10.240 --> 0:02:12.760 but also because you know deep down that this is 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:15.239 what you need to do. And sometimes what we need 0:02:15.280 --> 0:02:17.239 to do is not what we want to be doing, 0:02:17.440 --> 0:02:20.120 and it never feels good. So I'm sending you all 0:02:20.120 --> 0:02:23.080 so much love, and I'm so sorry if you are 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:26.919 going through a breakup, I know it sucks. I've been there. 0:02:27.200 --> 0:02:31.359 It's awful and horrendous and literally like someone has physically 0:02:31.360 --> 0:02:35.240 put their hand down your throat and pulled your heart out. 0:02:35.360 --> 0:02:39.920 I get it. It is treacherous and can feel absolutely horrific, 0:02:40.720 --> 0:02:43.000 and it can sometimes feel like it will never get better, 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:47.040 but it will and it does, and you can freaking 0:02:47.160 --> 0:02:49.960 do this even on the days it feels like you can't. 0:02:50.560 --> 0:02:53.840 So I hope that this episode serves as a best 0:02:53.840 --> 0:02:56.600 friend holding your hand through this, because that is what 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:59.720 I've been doing for my friends lately, and just in 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:02.720 case you don't have that person in your life, I 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:06.040 would love to be that for you right now. So 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:08.920 we've actually been having so many great chats and conversations 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:12.360 around this topic, and my friends often actually say, why 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:15.200 don't you just record our conversations and turn it into podcasts? 0:03:15.200 --> 0:03:17.000 But the fact is if I did that, I'll be 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:19.880 exposing a lot of these lads who don't want to 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:22.800 be exposed like that. So I won't be doing that. 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:25.040 But what I did do is write down some of 0:03:25.040 --> 0:03:28.960 those reflections and mentally note the conversations in hopes that 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:32.680 it will also help somebody else going through it, and 0:03:32.760 --> 0:03:35.720 also some of the realizations that I had when I 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:38.960 had gone through something similar. But you know, over the years, 0:03:39.000 --> 0:03:41.160 I've actually had to be quite careful about the advice 0:03:41.200 --> 0:03:43.800 that I give out. I used to be someone who 0:03:44.120 --> 0:03:47.240 thought it was my duty as a friend to, you know, 0:03:47.560 --> 0:03:51.240 throw out advice or my opinion about things all over 0:03:51.280 --> 0:03:53.600 the place. You know, something happened, I say, it's my 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:57.360 right I should tell my friend this. But over the 0:03:57.440 --> 0:04:01.400 years HAVE become a lot more cautious about that, because 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:04.119 to really understand why someone acts the way that they do, 0:04:04.840 --> 0:04:07.840 you need to know where they've come from. And that's 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:10.840 why I've become so cautious about just dishing advice out. 0:04:11.080 --> 0:04:13.800 I started living by the philosophy of drinking water, reminding 0:04:13.800 --> 0:04:16.280 your business, and it has served me well. It has 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:18.880 been my philosophy that I've truly tried to live by 0:04:19.360 --> 0:04:21.560 because I used to be a bit of a nosey Parker, 0:04:22.000 --> 0:04:25.800 and honestly, it was hindering my friendships rather than creating 0:04:25.800 --> 0:04:28.840 more meaningful friendships. And so what I've tried to do 0:04:28.920 --> 0:04:31.800 now is truly understand the person that I'm trying to 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:33.880 give advice to or that have asked me for my 0:04:33.920 --> 0:04:37.479 advice before I throw anything in there, because if someone 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:40.200 values your opinion, they could take it really seriously, and 0:04:40.240 --> 0:04:42.359 so I'd want to give it with as much information 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:44.840 as possible. And So if you are listening to this 0:04:44.920 --> 0:04:46.760 and you're not going through a breakup, but you're someone 0:04:46.800 --> 0:04:50.280 who's giving advice to a friend or has someone in 0:04:50.279 --> 0:04:53.560 your life going through this, then hopefully this is a 0:04:53.600 --> 0:04:56.880 little note to you too, just in case you throw 0:04:56.880 --> 0:04:58.919 a little piece of advice in there that maybe you 0:04:58.920 --> 0:05:02.000 shouldn't have or you just can't help yourself. Even when 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:05.200 they haven't asked for the advice, you're just still trying 0:05:05.240 --> 0:05:08.320 to give it. Hopefully this will give you a bit 0:05:08.360 --> 0:05:11.479 of perspective on how to give that advice to. So 0:05:11.640 --> 0:05:15.080 rewind and try and find out and understand the things 0:05:15.120 --> 0:05:17.200 that your friends have been through in the past before 0:05:17.240 --> 0:05:21.200 giving advice on the present, whether it's family, whether it's 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:25.400 relationships with their parents, whether it's micro or macro traumas 0:05:25.400 --> 0:05:29.039 that they've been through, or maybe it's mental health struggles. 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:32.640 It has really deepened my friendship with that person and 0:05:32.640 --> 0:05:35.279 my ability to be there for them in the right way, 0:05:35.839 --> 0:05:39.440 with no judgment and advice that feels right for them. So, 0:05:39.520 --> 0:05:41.440 for example, one of my friends has had a pattern 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:43.760 of being with men who are in some way unavailable, 0:05:44.200 --> 0:05:47.479 usually emotionally, unable to commit fully or not able to 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:50.000 really communicate with her. Well, now, if you hear that 0:05:50.040 --> 0:05:53.440 in isolation, many times people might think, Oh, she just 0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:57.120 likes a bad boy. It's a preference thing, She's just 0:05:57.200 --> 0:05:59.440 going for that type of guy. But when you actually 0:05:59.520 --> 0:06:02.960 learn the con text behind and her past, you realize 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:06.159 that the pattern is actually quite valid, and it comes 0:06:06.200 --> 0:06:08.960 from a place where her dad hasn't always been available 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:12.240 or hasn't been present in her life, and so her 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:16.599 default and her blueprint and her first experience of a man, 0:06:17.040 --> 0:06:22.760 and therefore her normality is an unavailable man. Whereas for me, 0:06:23.160 --> 0:06:27.000 my dad has always been a stable, nervous system, regulating 0:06:27.120 --> 0:06:29.919 kind of man in my life. He has been consistent, stable, 0:06:30.480 --> 0:06:35.160 always there, always provided emotionally, physically and mentally for us. 0:06:35.720 --> 0:06:38.560 He's been my safety in so many ways. And so 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:40.800 growing up in that way, I actually had a clear 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:44.359 idea and a clear vision of what that felt like 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:47.159 or what that looks like. And so it's much easier 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:50.599 to recognize something when you've had previous experience of it before. 0:06:50.920 --> 0:06:53.239 But if you've never had that and it's not your norm, 0:06:53.839 --> 0:06:57.000 how can you recognize it easily if it is so 0:06:57.120 --> 0:07:00.560 farign not unfamiliar to you? And so if you're familiar 0:07:00.680 --> 0:07:04.839 has been rejection and a key man in your life 0:07:04.880 --> 0:07:08.040 like your dad, being unavailable to you, that's what your 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:11.320 default might actually be. So without realizing it, you could 0:07:11.360 --> 0:07:15.520 subconsciously be attracting people who are either unavailable, are you 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:18.920 with someone else or in a complicated situation, or just 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:22.040 emotionally unable to give you what you need. So my 0:07:22.120 --> 0:07:24.800 friend is fully aware of this and it's constantly trying 0:07:24.840 --> 0:07:28.760 to rewire this pattern, working really hard to actually, So 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:30.920 that was just a little note to anybody who is 0:07:31.160 --> 0:07:33.800 me right now in this situation where you are listening 0:07:34.400 --> 0:07:39.160 and hearing somebody else's difficulties. And I'm telling you this 0:07:39.280 --> 0:07:41.840 because grace is something that's really necessary in the world 0:07:41.960 --> 0:07:45.480 right now, especially grace with people that are closest to us, 0:07:46.400 --> 0:07:48.440 and it allows them to be open and honest with 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:51.520 you without feeling like they're being judged in a situation, 0:07:52.240 --> 0:07:54.880 and if someone is confiding in you know how serious 0:07:54.920 --> 0:07:57.679 and how precious that is, and how much it takes 0:07:57.720 --> 0:08:01.600 for someone to do that and be hones in those situations. 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:04.320 It's also such an honor to have someone's trust in you, 0:08:04.920 --> 0:08:07.760 and the way you reciprocate is just through ears that 0:08:07.800 --> 0:08:10.720 are without judgment and a heart with enough space to 0:08:10.760 --> 0:08:12.920 see things from a different point of view. It is 0:08:13.000 --> 0:08:15.600 so easy to judge when you're on the outside or 0:08:15.600 --> 0:08:18.960 when you don't understand someone. So the best way to 0:08:19.000 --> 0:08:21.640 resolve that is to ask questions and to get to 0:08:21.640 --> 0:08:24.400 know your friends deeper, to get to the why behind 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:27.840 the actions or the situations that they're in. And so now, 0:08:27.880 --> 0:08:32.480 if you're someone who resonates with my friend, I will 0:08:32.559 --> 0:08:34.920 with love tell you the same thing that I told her. 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:40.000 You deserve so much more than what your dad and 0:08:40.520 --> 0:08:43.520 those other men have given you. And it's actually not 0:08:43.640 --> 0:08:46.280 about these men at all. What they did was a 0:08:46.280 --> 0:08:49.640 reflection of their inability to manage their trauma or pain. 0:08:50.240 --> 0:08:52.520 You just happen to be the recipient of that pain. 0:08:53.000 --> 0:08:54.920 But now what you do does not have to be 0:08:54.960 --> 0:08:57.679 a result of that. You don't need to figure out 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:00.800 why you're even attracted to these emotional under available people. 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:04.600 You actually need to figure out why their actions have 0:09:04.720 --> 0:09:07.520 created a deep rooted belief in you that this is 0:09:07.559 --> 0:09:10.760 what you deserve, and why that's the story you have 0:09:10.880 --> 0:09:13.920 created in your own mind. And so I think that's 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:17.600 a really good starting point. When you've been dating someone 0:09:17.640 --> 0:09:21.040 who hasn't fulfilled your needs, or you keep going back 0:09:21.080 --> 0:09:24.160 to someone who's actually not good for you, a good 0:09:24.160 --> 0:09:27.040 place to start is thinking, not why am I attracted 0:09:27.040 --> 0:09:29.760 to this person? But why do I feel like this 0:09:29.840 --> 0:09:32.840 is what I deserve? Why is this the bar that 0:09:32.880 --> 0:09:36.199 I have for myself of what I actually allow into 0:09:36.280 --> 0:09:38.920 my life? And why do I feel like this is 0:09:39.120 --> 0:09:42.480 the type of relationship that I deserve? And I think 0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:45.600 breaking that down, whether it's in therapy, whether it is 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:49.320 by yourself, really kind of going through this journey in 0:09:49.360 --> 0:09:52.440 your mind of where does this deep rooted feeling come from? 0:09:52.800 --> 0:09:56.160 Is so useful to then break this pattern, to allow 0:09:56.200 --> 0:09:59.400 yourself to believe you deserve more in your life, to 0:09:59.480 --> 0:10:02.600 believe that you you do deserve the person who is emotionally, physically, 0:10:02.679 --> 0:10:05.679 or mentally available to you, To believe that you do 0:10:05.800 --> 0:10:11.000 deserve someone who is attracted to you is wanting to 0:10:11.040 --> 0:10:15.120 spend time with you. And so I think that is 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:17.960 the most important place to start, because you will not 0:10:18.000 --> 0:10:21.360 attract something that you don't deeply believe you deserve. So 0:10:21.480 --> 0:10:25.160 sometimes it's actually less about the other guy or the 0:10:25.240 --> 0:10:27.760 other person. It's so much more about you and you 0:10:27.880 --> 0:10:32.960 figuring out how to elevate your expectations and your desires 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:35.800 and your beliefs about yourself. So, like I said, a 0:10:35.800 --> 0:10:37.720 couple of my friends are going through a breakup, so 0:10:37.760 --> 0:10:39.640 it's been really interesting going through this journey with them. 0:10:39.679 --> 0:10:42.360 One of the other things that my friend has really 0:10:42.360 --> 0:10:46.000 been struggling with is how to manage this breakup. Do 0:10:46.080 --> 0:10:49.720 I jump into another relationship, Do I have sex with 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:53.440 as many people as possible. Do I stick with myself 0:10:53.559 --> 0:10:56.120 and just try and work things out? And I actually 0:10:56.120 --> 0:10:58.240 think one of the worst piece of advice that people 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:01.320 are given during this time is to just get back 0:11:01.360 --> 0:11:06.559 out there or to have mindless connections with people, thinking 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:08.040 that you need to get back out there to fill 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:12.360 that void. And unfortunately, sometimes that avoid gets filled with sex. 0:11:12.720 --> 0:11:15.920 And the problem is that sex is so much more 0:11:15.960 --> 0:11:18.800 than just a moment of fun. It is a full blown, 0:11:19.000 --> 0:11:22.559 energetic exchange. And so what may feel like a great 0:11:22.600 --> 0:11:24.960 idea at the beginning, your friends are telling you just go, 0:11:25.480 --> 0:11:27.400 you know, have sex with this random guy that we 0:11:27.520 --> 0:11:30.000 meet out, or you think of going back to an 0:11:30.000 --> 0:11:33.880 old ex to fulfill that feeling of being lonely. The 0:11:33.960 --> 0:11:36.520 problem is it doesn't just stop in that moment. You 0:11:36.559 --> 0:11:39.360 actually carry it with you long after you've had that interaction. 0:11:39.840 --> 0:11:43.040 You are allowing this person not just physically into your body, 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:47.600 but into your personal intimate energetic field. That energy can 0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:51.160 actually stay with you long after the actual encounter, and 0:11:51.240 --> 0:11:55.040 it's literally like plugging into an energy socket and opening 0:11:55.080 --> 0:11:58.679 up an energy channel between you both. Who gets access 0:11:58.720 --> 0:12:01.800 to you is a good in indicator of how valuable 0:12:01.920 --> 0:12:05.040 you are, especially when it comes to sex. It is 0:12:05.160 --> 0:12:08.280 a deeply intimate experience and it really should just be 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:11.800 reserved for someone who is deserving of you. The real 0:12:11.920 --> 0:12:16.400 question is do you feel worthy of meaningful, respectful and 0:12:16.440 --> 0:12:20.880 intentional connections or are you lowering your standards so much 0:12:20.920 --> 0:12:23.440 that you give access to those who actually don't see 0:12:23.440 --> 0:12:27.000 your value. I heard a quote that said your naked 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:29.680 body should only be available to those who fall in 0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:32.920 love with your naked soul, and I have heard from 0:12:33.080 --> 0:12:36.200 so many friends after breakups who say I wish I 0:12:36.320 --> 0:12:38.920 hadn't done that, and I don't know why I did that, 0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:41.960 and I didn't even like him. I just did it 0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:45.680 because I was feeling lonely or vulnerable in that moment. 0:12:46.600 --> 0:12:50.480 And I heard this podcast actually where Humble the poet, 0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:53.439 he said something. It was on Jay's podcast, and he said, 0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:58.040 guild is actually rarely about the other person. It usually 0:12:58.400 --> 0:13:01.559 is because we have gone against our own deep values 0:13:01.559 --> 0:13:05.360 in principles, and so feeling good in the moment isn't 0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:07.719 the test of whether something is right for us. It's 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:10.920 actually how it makes you feel for the minutes, hours, days, 0:13:11.000 --> 0:13:15.239 or weeks after. And usually the things that bring temporary satisfaction, 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:19.000 especially with things like this like casual sex, do not 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:22.720 bring us long term contentment and actually make us lose 0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:25.880 a sense of self worth when we're going against our 0:13:25.920 --> 0:13:30.040 own values or our own beliefs about ourself. So you 0:13:30.120 --> 0:13:33.400 might actually find yourself feeling emptier after those encounters, not 0:13:33.520 --> 0:13:37.040 because sex itself is bad, but because the exchange lack 0:13:37.200 --> 0:13:40.560 the depth that your soul was actually looking for. And 0:13:40.640 --> 0:13:43.760 so if a friend does advise you just go out there, 0:13:43.960 --> 0:13:48.200 have some fun, just have these random like there's a 0:13:48.280 --> 0:13:50.400 cute guy over there, why don't you see what happens. 0:13:50.760 --> 0:13:54.960 I honestly don't think that that is the place to 0:13:55.040 --> 0:13:58.040 start after you've had your heart broken, because you're trying 0:13:58.080 --> 0:14:00.559 to fill your heart and you're trying to fill a 0:14:00.640 --> 0:14:04.840 void that is happening in your heart space, and having 0:14:04.880 --> 0:14:07.680 sex is going to not fill that up at all. Actually, 0:14:07.760 --> 0:14:10.000 it's probably going to pull at your heart strings more 0:14:10.040 --> 0:14:12.320 because you know deep down that's not what you're trying 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:16.040 to look for, and it will not feel the void 0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:19.760 that you are feeling. And so you have to listen 0:14:19.800 --> 0:14:22.040 to what you actually want and what your needs are 0:14:22.480 --> 0:14:26.760 long term, and try not to give into your temporary 0:14:26.880 --> 0:14:30.240 lows that come with this process, and know that that 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:33.560 is part of the process, that feeling that void is 0:14:33.640 --> 0:14:37.120 part of the process. Sometimes when it feels so dire, 0:14:37.440 --> 0:14:41.200 you end up making the worst decisions. And so actually 0:14:41.240 --> 0:14:45.200 sitting with that pain or the sorrow or the sadness 0:14:45.640 --> 0:14:47.600 and allowing it to be helps you to get over 0:14:47.640 --> 0:14:51.680 it faster then adding to the pain that you're already feeling. 0:14:51.680 --> 0:14:53.720 And most of the time, guilt is one of the 0:14:53.720 --> 0:14:55.920 hardest things for us to feel, because when you feel 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:59.040 bad about yourself, it's the hardest pill to swallow about 0:14:59.080 --> 0:15:03.040 doing something against you own values, and so that actually 0:15:03.080 --> 0:15:06.080 will end up adding to the pain that you're already feeling. 0:15:06.520 --> 0:15:10.760 Your heart is already broken, and then you are breaking 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:13.520 your own heart in some way by doing something that 0:15:13.560 --> 0:15:15.680 you actually don't want to do. So don't listen to 0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:18.320 that friend that's telling you that, listen to what you 0:15:18.360 --> 0:15:20.680 want to do and what you really probably need in 0:15:20.720 --> 0:15:24.200 this time is healing. And I asked my friend, I said, 0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:26.920 what do you really want in a man? And she 0:15:27.080 --> 0:15:30.000 described it, and honestly, it was so far from what 0:15:30.080 --> 0:15:34.200 she had been receiving or without realizing what she was seeking. 0:15:34.600 --> 0:15:38.880 And even if theoretically she knew what she wanted, she 0:15:39.000 --> 0:15:41.200 had one for in and one for out. So in 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:44.560 our conversation, I remember telling her, you can't be dabbling 0:15:44.640 --> 0:15:48.200 in an emotionally unavailable past relationship while you're trying to 0:15:48.280 --> 0:15:51.000 find the emotionally available man of your dreams. It's just 0:15:51.040 --> 0:15:54.120 impossible because you are sending mixed signals to the universe. 0:15:54.600 --> 0:15:57.160 And until you are clear on what you're asking for, 0:15:57.280 --> 0:16:00.880 not just in words but in actions, that you are 0:16:00.920 --> 0:16:03.840 extremely clear on what you're asking the universe or God 0:16:03.920 --> 0:16:06.640 to send you, it's going to be really difficult to 0:16:06.720 --> 0:16:09.400 receive that because also you kind of have to show 0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:11.720 God and the universe that you're truly ready to receive it. 0:16:11.920 --> 0:16:15.160 You're truly ready to not just receive it, recognize it, 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:17.920 but also to keep that gift that you are asking for, 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:21.000 because at the end of the day, our partners are 0:16:21.200 --> 0:16:23.760 a gift that we receive, especially if it's a good 0:16:23.760 --> 0:16:26.440 one that you're looking for, then we see as a 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:29.320 gift that we are asking for. And so with that 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:32.760 in mind, we have to be ready, with our hands open, 0:16:33.000 --> 0:16:35.400 ready to receive, which means you can't be holding on 0:16:35.440 --> 0:16:38.400 to something else and you have to have done the 0:16:38.440 --> 0:16:41.840 work to actually keep that gift that you are being given. 0:16:42.280 --> 0:16:45.720 And so doing the work between a breakup that you've 0:16:45.760 --> 0:16:49.320 had and receiving this person that you want in your life. 0:16:49.760 --> 0:16:51.640 Sometimes we think it's when is that person going to 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:54.080 come into my life? But sometimes it's thinking, am I 0:16:54.160 --> 0:16:56.280 have I done the work in preparation for this person 0:16:56.320 --> 0:16:58.520 to come and to be able to recognize this person 0:16:58.680 --> 0:17:01.120 that I'm looking for? Have I done the work to 0:17:01.520 --> 0:17:04.560 find them and to keep them? And so sometimes these 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:07.879 gaps in between are actually a useful space to be 0:17:07.960 --> 0:17:10.760 able to do the work required to not just have 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:13.520 the vision to see the person when they come into 0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:16.760 our life, because sometimes we can be covered up with 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:21.560 all these traumas and these habits that we have created, 0:17:21.880 --> 0:17:25.199 or the patterns that we've created in our life, that 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:27.560 is impossible to sometimes see that this might be the 0:17:27.600 --> 0:17:31.359 person for you and also have done the work to 0:17:31.400 --> 0:17:34.280 be able to not just have one evening with them, 0:17:34.400 --> 0:17:36.880 have a date with them, but to maintain that relationship too. 0:17:37.200 --> 0:17:39.040 And I know this period in between when you're in 0:17:39.080 --> 0:17:41.080 a breakup can be really difficult. Yesterday actually I was 0:17:41.119 --> 0:17:44.080 with my friend and she said she was actually pre period, which, 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:45.960 by the way, is one of the hardest times to 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:48.280 have gone through a breakup because you feel really vulnerable 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:50.440 and your hormones are all over the place, and all 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:52.920 she really wanted was a cuddle. So she was definitely 0:17:52.960 --> 0:17:56.440 in a vulnerable state, the most vulnerable state of texting 0:17:56.440 --> 0:18:00.760 an X And in those times, you have to without fail, 0:18:01.160 --> 0:18:03.439 tell someone that that is how you're feeling. Luckily she 0:18:03.520 --> 0:18:06.320 told me, and we were having a conversation throughout the 0:18:06.400 --> 0:18:10.640 day about it, and so I really recommend when you're 0:18:10.640 --> 0:18:13.879 feeling that way, usually we end up not telling our 0:18:13.920 --> 0:18:15.800 friends because we know they're going to tell us to 0:18:15.800 --> 0:18:18.720 do the thing that we really want to do, which 0:18:18.760 --> 0:18:21.359 is text them, so we kind of keep it hidden. 0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:23.320 We'll text them and then we'll go to it after 0:18:23.400 --> 0:18:25.600 and then tell our friend after it's done. But the 0:18:25.600 --> 0:18:28.120 good thing is my friend's really trying, and so she said, 0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:30.480 I really need this right now in my life. And 0:18:30.560 --> 0:18:32.879 obviously we were making jokes about it and being like, 0:18:33.000 --> 0:18:35.639 just go hunk that guy over there. But the reason 0:18:35.640 --> 0:18:38.000 it's important to tell someone about it is because they 0:18:38.000 --> 0:18:40.159 can help you to make the decision they know you 0:18:40.240 --> 0:18:42.440 want to make, even if you're not able to see 0:18:42.440 --> 0:18:45.159 it right now. It makes you accountable. Just like when 0:18:45.200 --> 0:18:46.960 you want to go to the gym and you're messaging 0:18:47.000 --> 0:18:48.840 your friend every single day saying that I'm on my 0:18:48.880 --> 0:18:51.240 way or I don't want to go right now, and 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:53.720 your friend's motivating you to go. It's the same with 0:18:53.800 --> 0:18:56.560 this type of situation. So I tell my friend that 0:18:56.600 --> 0:18:58.080 as soon as she gets home, she has to send 0:18:58.119 --> 0:19:01.960 me a picture of her in the bath doing whatever 0:19:02.000 --> 0:19:04.520 she wants to do at home, but not being with 0:19:04.680 --> 0:19:07.400 her ex. I just needed proof of that every single hour, 0:19:08.680 --> 0:19:10.960 to make sure that she's not outside his door waiting 0:19:10.960 --> 0:19:14.040 for him to open it, but also to use that 0:19:14.080 --> 0:19:18.119 as a place of strength, because it is a strength 0:19:18.119 --> 0:19:21.520 building exercise for yourself. Yes, it sucks to be by 0:19:21.560 --> 0:19:24.560 yourself in those moments. It is hard when that feeling 0:19:24.640 --> 0:19:28.199 of loneliness strikes. But you know what she did. She 0:19:28.240 --> 0:19:30.720 went home, She had a bath, she lit a candle, 0:19:30.800 --> 0:19:34.520 she read a book, she put on some freshly washed pajamas, 0:19:34.680 --> 0:19:38.800 got into her freshly washed sheets, and she soothed herself 0:19:38.840 --> 0:19:41.320 in that moment by reading a book, by doing self 0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:45.119 care rituals that made her feel better about herself. And 0:19:45.160 --> 0:19:48.240 this morning she woke up and she was so happy 0:19:48.480 --> 0:19:51.119 and proud that she did not text an X just 0:19:51.160 --> 0:19:53.480 because she was feeling vulnerable in the moment and wanted 0:19:53.480 --> 0:19:58.080 a cuddle. And look, if you do end up giving in, okay, 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:00.840 it happens. Who hasn't done that, It is what it is. 0:20:01.400 --> 0:20:04.280 And you might wake up the next morning wishing you didn't, 0:20:04.680 --> 0:20:07.520 but then you just start again and it just is 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:10.760 like that sometimes, and that's okay too. You might text them, 0:20:11.000 --> 0:20:13.520 you might show up on outside their door. Whatever you 0:20:13.600 --> 0:20:15.879 end up doing. Don't think that that means you have 0:20:15.880 --> 0:20:18.080 gotten back into that cycle. You need to put yourself 0:20:18.119 --> 0:20:21.000 back out and start again. And I think sometimes we 0:20:21.080 --> 0:20:24.399 expect breakup to be dramatic, you know, because of what 0:20:24.480 --> 0:20:27.760 you see on TV and in TV shows that make 0:20:27.840 --> 0:20:30.840 the drama really romantic. It's the showing up in the 0:20:30.960 --> 0:20:33.600 rain outside your door in the middle of the night moments, 0:20:33.760 --> 0:20:37.399 or it's the bumping into them by accident, maybe at 0:20:37.440 --> 0:20:40.959 a bar, and one night turning into a reconciliation moment 0:20:41.119 --> 0:20:45.560 where you realize you're both wrong and it can work again. 0:20:45.920 --> 0:20:49.600 Sometimes it is just you alone, not texting them. That 0:20:49.760 --> 0:20:52.240 is what the healing is. It's not stalking them, it's 0:20:52.240 --> 0:20:57.240 not reacting. It is just silence and stillness and letting 0:20:57.359 --> 0:21:00.040 that be the healing. And let me tell you, I 0:21:00.040 --> 0:21:02.720 I have done way too many drive bys in my 0:21:02.880 --> 0:21:06.320 life and trying to chase that feeling and it did 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:09.399 not make me feel any better at all. And the 0:21:09.440 --> 0:21:11.879 thing is just letting the days go by like that. 0:21:12.960 --> 0:21:17.120 Just the simple not texting, not sending the messages, not 0:21:17.200 --> 0:21:21.600 liking an Instagram post. It can feel really pointless and 0:21:21.640 --> 0:21:23.880 it can feel like you're not making much progress at all, 0:21:24.480 --> 0:21:27.439