Speaker 1: You deserve so much more than what your dad and
Speaker 1: those other men have given you. The real question is
Speaker 1: do you feel worthy of meaningful, respectful and intentional connections
Speaker 1: or are you lowering your standards so much that you
Speaker 1: give access to those who actually don't see your value.
Speaker 1: I heard a quote that said your naked body should
Speaker 1: only be available to those who fall in love with
Speaker 1: your naked soul. That you actually are a prize and
Speaker 1: their prize, and you are a person that someone else
Speaker 1: is praying for. And so don't worry about the person
Speaker 1: that's not crying over you, worry about the person that
Speaker 1: is praying for you. I'm Raley Wukiah and on my
Speaker 1: podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy and
Speaker 1: the beautiful, providing a space for raw and fielded conversations
Speaker 1: that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn,
Speaker 1: connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, and welcome back
Speaker 1: to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry. Thank
Speaker 1: you all so much for listening. I appreciate it. And
Speaker 1: if you're new here, hi, and if you are an
Speaker 1: OG listener, thank you for coming back time and time again.
Speaker 1: So this week I wanted to talk about all the
Speaker 1: conversations I have been having with some of my friends
Speaker 1: about breakups. I have had some of my favorite people
Speaker 1: in the world, my incredible friends, going through breakups or
Speaker 1: difficult times right now in their relationships, and they are
Speaker 1: truly doing the work, like really doing the work to
Speaker 1: break patterns that are just not helping them in life
Speaker 1: or in their relationships, patterns that they felt trapped by,
Speaker 1: and just really trying in life, you know, to be fabulous,
Speaker 1: incredible partners and people. So firstly, I just want to
Speaker 1: shout out to all of you, anybody who is listening
Speaker 1: that's doing the work and struggling through it, because it
Speaker 1: really does feel crappy sometimes, and it really is so
Speaker 1: much effort and so much struggle trying to be better,
Speaker 1: and sometimes it really doesn't feel worth it because of
Speaker 1: how crappy it can feel. But you're still here, You're trying,
Speaker 1: you maybe failing a little bit, but you're still bouncing
Speaker 1: back each time because you know you are a baddie,
Speaker 1: but also because you know deep down that this is
Speaker 1: what you need to do. And sometimes what we need
Speaker 1: to do is not what we want to be doing,
Speaker 1: and it never feels good. So I'm sending you all
Speaker 1: so much love, and I'm so sorry if you are
Speaker 1: going through a breakup, I know it sucks. I've been there.
Speaker 1: It's awful and horrendous and literally like someone has physically
Speaker 1: put their hand down your throat and pulled your heart out.
Speaker 1: I get it. It is treacherous and can feel absolutely horrific,
Speaker 1: and it can sometimes feel like it will never get better,
Speaker 1: but it will and it does, and you can freaking
Speaker 1: do this even on the days it feels like you can't.
Speaker 1: So I hope that this episode serves as a best
Speaker 1: friend holding your hand through this, because that is what
Speaker 1: I've been doing for my friends lately, and just in
Speaker 1: case you don't have that person in your life, I
Speaker 1: would love to be that for you right now. So
Speaker 1: we've actually been having so many great chats and conversations
Speaker 1: around this topic, and my friends often actually say, why
Speaker 1: don't you just record our conversations and turn it into podcasts?
Speaker 1: But the fact is if I did that, I'll be
Speaker 1: exposing a lot of these lads who don't want to
Speaker 1: be exposed like that. So I won't be doing that.
Speaker 1: But what I did do is write down some of
Speaker 1: those reflections and mentally note the conversations in hopes that
Speaker 1: it will also help somebody else going through it, and
Speaker 1: also some of the realizations that I had when I
Speaker 1: had gone through something similar. But you know, over the years,
Speaker 1: I've actually had to be quite careful about the advice
Speaker 1: that I give out. I used to be someone who
Speaker 1: thought it was my duty as a friend to, you know,
Speaker 1: throw out advice or my opinion about things all over
Speaker 1: the place. You know, something happened, I say, it's my
Speaker 1: right I should tell my friend this. But over the
Speaker 1: years HAVE become a lot more cautious about that, because
Speaker 1: to really understand why someone acts the way that they do,
Speaker 1: you need to know where they've come from. And that's
Speaker 1: why I've become so cautious about just dishing advice out.
Speaker 1: I started living by the philosophy of drinking water, reminding
Speaker 1: your business, and it has served me well. It has
Speaker 1: been my philosophy that I've truly tried to live by
Speaker 1: because I used to be a bit of a nosey Parker,
Speaker 1: and honestly, it was hindering my friendships rather than creating
Speaker 1: more meaningful friendships. And so what I've tried to do
Speaker 1: now is truly understand the person that I'm trying to
Speaker 1: give advice to or that have asked me for my
Speaker 1: advice before I throw anything in there, because if someone
Speaker 1: values your opinion, they could take it really seriously, and
Speaker 1: so I'd want to give it with as much information
Speaker 1: as possible. And So if you are listening to this
Speaker 1: and you're not going through a breakup, but you're someone
Speaker 1: who's giving advice to a friend or has someone in
Speaker 1: your life going through this, then hopefully this is a
Speaker 1: little note to you too, just in case you throw
Speaker 1: a little piece of advice in there that maybe you
Speaker 1: shouldn't have or you just can't help yourself. Even when
Speaker 1: they haven't asked for the advice, you're just still trying
Speaker 1: to give it. Hopefully this will give you a bit
Speaker 1: of perspective on how to give that advice to. So
Speaker 1: rewind and try and find out and understand the things
Speaker 1: that your friends have been through in the past before
Speaker 1: giving advice on the present, whether it's family, whether it's
Speaker 1: relationships with their parents, whether it's micro or macro traumas
Speaker 1: that they've been through, or maybe it's mental health struggles.
Speaker 1: It has really deepened my friendship with that person and
Speaker 1: my ability to be there for them in the right way,
Speaker 1: with no judgment and advice that feels right for them. So,
Speaker 1: for example, one of my friends has had a pattern
Speaker 1: of being with men who are in some way unavailable,
Speaker 1: usually emotionally, unable to commit fully or not able to
Speaker 1: really communicate with her. Well, now, if you hear that
Speaker 1: in isolation, many times people might think, Oh, she just
Speaker 1: likes a bad boy. It's a preference thing, She's just
Speaker 1: going for that type of guy. But when you actually
Speaker 1: learn the con text behind and her past, you realize
Speaker 1: that the pattern is actually quite valid, and it comes
Speaker 1: from a place where her dad hasn't always been available
Speaker 1: or hasn't been present in her life, and so her
Speaker 1: default and her blueprint and her first experience of a man,
Speaker 1: and therefore her normality is an unavailable man. Whereas for me,
Speaker 1: my dad has always been a stable, nervous system, regulating
Speaker 1: kind of man in my life. He has been consistent, stable,
Speaker 1: always there, always provided emotionally, physically and mentally for us.
Speaker 1: He's been my safety in so many ways. And so
Speaker 1: growing up in that way, I actually had a clear
Speaker 1: idea and a clear vision of what that felt like
Speaker 1: or what that looks like. And so it's much easier
Speaker 1: to recognize something when you've had previous experience of it before.
Speaker 1: But if you've never had that and it's not your norm,
Speaker 1: how can you recognize it easily if it is so
Speaker 1: farign not unfamiliar to you? And so if you're familiar
Speaker 1: has been rejection and a key man in your life
Speaker 1: like your dad, being unavailable to you, that's what your
Speaker 1: default might actually be. So without realizing it, you could
Speaker 1: subconsciously be attracting people who are either unavailable, are you
Speaker 1: with someone else or in a complicated situation, or just
Speaker 1: emotionally unable to give you what you need. So my
Speaker 1: friend is fully aware of this and it's constantly trying
Speaker 1: to rewire this pattern, working really hard to actually, So
Speaker 1: that was just a little note to anybody who is
Speaker 1: me right now in this situation where you are listening
Speaker 1: and hearing somebody else's difficulties. And I'm telling you this
Speaker 1: because grace is something that's really necessary in the world
Speaker 1: right now, especially grace with people that are closest to us,
Speaker 1: and it allows them to be open and honest with
Speaker 1: you without feeling like they're being judged in a situation,
Speaker 1: and if someone is confiding in you know how serious
Speaker 1: and how precious that is, and how much it takes
Speaker 1: for someone to do that and be hones in those situations.
Speaker 1: It's also such an honor to have someone's trust in you,
Speaker 1: and the way you reciprocate is just through ears that
Speaker 1: are without judgment and a heart with enough space to
Speaker 1: see things from a different point of view. It is
Speaker 1: so easy to judge when you're on the outside or
Speaker 1: when you don't understand someone. So the best way to
Speaker 1: resolve that is to ask questions and to get to
Speaker 1: know your friends deeper, to get to the why behind
Speaker 1: the actions or the situations that they're in. And so now,
Speaker 1: if you're someone who resonates with my friend, I will
Speaker 1: with love tell you the same thing that I told her.
Speaker 1: You deserve so much more than what your dad and
Speaker 1: those other men have given you. And it's actually not
Speaker 1: about these men at all. What they did was a
Speaker 1: reflection of their inability to manage their trauma or pain.
Speaker 1: You just happen to be the recipient of that pain.
Speaker 1: But now what you do does not have to be
Speaker 1: a result of that. You don't need to figure out
Speaker 1: why you're even attracted to these emotional under available people.
Speaker 1: You actually need to figure out why their actions have
Speaker 1: created a deep rooted belief in you that this is
Speaker 1: what you deserve, and why that's the story you have
Speaker 1: created in your own mind. And so I think that's
Speaker 1: a really good starting point. When you've been dating someone
Speaker 1: who hasn't fulfilled your needs, or you keep going back
Speaker 1: to someone who's actually not good for you, a good
Speaker 1: place to start is thinking, not why am I attracted
Speaker 1: to this person? But why do I feel like this
Speaker 1: is what I deserve? Why is this the bar that
Speaker 1: I have for myself of what I actually allow into
Speaker 1: my life? And why do I feel like this is
Speaker 1: the type of relationship that I deserve? And I think
Speaker 1: breaking that down, whether it's in therapy, whether it is
Speaker 1: by yourself, really kind of going through this journey in
Speaker 1: your mind of where does this deep rooted feeling come from?
Speaker 1: Is so useful to then break this pattern, to allow
Speaker 1: yourself to believe you deserve more in your life, to
Speaker 1: believe that you you do deserve the person who is emotionally, physically,
Speaker 1: or mentally available to you, To believe that you do
Speaker 1: deserve someone who is attracted to you is wanting to
Speaker 1: spend time with you. And so I think that is
Speaker 1: the most important place to start, because you will not
Speaker 1: attract something that you don't deeply believe you deserve. So
Speaker 1: sometimes it's actually less about the other guy or the
Speaker 1: other person. It's so much more about you and you
Speaker 1: figuring out how to elevate your expectations and your desires
Speaker 1: and your beliefs about yourself. So, like I said, a
Speaker 1: couple of my friends are going through a breakup, so
Speaker 1: it's been really interesting going through this journey with them.
Speaker 1: One of the other things that my friend has really
Speaker 1: been struggling with is how to manage this breakup. Do
Speaker 1: I jump into another relationship, Do I have sex with
Speaker 1: as many people as possible. Do I stick with myself
Speaker 1: and just try and work things out? And I actually
Speaker 1: think one of the worst piece of advice that people
Speaker 1: are given during this time is to just get back
Speaker 1: out there or to have mindless connections with people, thinking
Speaker 1: that you need to get back out there to fill
Speaker 1: that void. And unfortunately, sometimes that avoid gets filled with sex.
Speaker 1: And the problem is that sex is so much more
Speaker 1: than just a moment of fun. It is a full blown,
Speaker 1: energetic exchange. And so what may feel like a great
Speaker 1: idea at the beginning, your friends are telling you just go,
Speaker 1: you know, have sex with this random guy that we
Speaker 1: meet out, or you think of going back to an
Speaker 1: old ex to fulfill that feeling of being lonely. The
Speaker 1: problem is it doesn't just stop in that moment. You
Speaker 1: actually carry it with you long after you've had that interaction.
Speaker 1: You are allowing this person not just physically into your body,
Speaker 1: but into your personal intimate energetic field. That energy can
Speaker 1: actually stay with you long after the actual encounter, and
Speaker 1: it's literally like plugging into an energy socket and opening
Speaker 1: up an energy channel between you both. Who gets access
Speaker 1: to you is a good in indicator of how valuable
Speaker 1: you are, especially when it comes to sex. It is
Speaker 1: a deeply intimate experience and it really should just be
Speaker 1: reserved for someone who is deserving of you. The real
Speaker 1: question is do you feel worthy of meaningful, respectful and
Speaker 1: intentional connections or are you lowering your standards so much
Speaker 1: that you give access to those who actually don't see
Speaker 1: your value. I heard a quote that said your naked
Speaker 1: body should only be available to those who fall in
Speaker 1: love with your naked soul, and I have heard from
Speaker 1: so many friends after breakups who say I wish I
Speaker 1: hadn't done that, and I don't know why I did that,
Speaker 1: and I didn't even like him. I just did it
Speaker 1: because I was feeling lonely or vulnerable in that moment.
Speaker 1: And I heard this podcast actually where Humble the poet,
Speaker 1: he said something. It was on Jay's podcast, and he said,
Speaker 1: guild is actually rarely about the other person. It usually
Speaker 1: is because we have gone against our own deep values
Speaker 1: in principles, and so feeling good in the moment isn't
Speaker 1: the test of whether something is right for us. It's
Speaker 1: actually how it makes you feel for the minutes, hours, days,
Speaker 1: or weeks after. And usually the things that bring temporary satisfaction,
Speaker 1: especially with things like this like casual sex, do not
Speaker 1: bring us long term contentment and actually make us lose
Speaker 1: a sense of self worth when we're going against our
Speaker 1: own values or our own beliefs about ourself. So you
Speaker 1: might actually find yourself feeling emptier after those encounters, not
Speaker 1: because sex itself is bad, but because the exchange lack
Speaker 1: the depth that your soul was actually looking for. And
Speaker 1: so if a friend does advise you just go out there,
Speaker 1: have some fun, just have these random like there's a
Speaker 1: cute guy over there, why don't you see what happens.
Speaker 1: I honestly don't think that that is the place to
Speaker 1: start after you've had your heart broken, because you're trying
Speaker 1: to fill your heart and you're trying to fill a
Speaker 1: void that is happening in your heart space, and having
Speaker 1: sex is going to not fill that up at all. Actually,
Speaker 1: it's probably going to pull at your heart strings more
Speaker 1: because you know deep down that's not what you're trying
Speaker 1: to look for, and it will not feel the void
Speaker 1: that you are feeling. And so you have to listen
Speaker 1: to what you actually want and what your needs are
Speaker 1: long term, and try not to give into your temporary
Speaker 1: lows that come with this process, and know that that
Speaker 1: is part of the process, that feeling that void is
Speaker 1: part of the process. Sometimes when it feels so dire,
Speaker 1: you end up making the worst decisions. And so actually
Speaker 1: sitting with that pain or the sorrow or the sadness
Speaker 1: and allowing it to be helps you to get over
Speaker 1: it faster then adding to the pain that you're already feeling.
Speaker 1: And most of the time, guilt is one of the
Speaker 1: hardest things for us to feel, because when you feel
Speaker 1: bad about yourself, it's the hardest pill to swallow about
Speaker 1: doing something against you own values, and so that actually
Speaker 1: will end up adding to the pain that you're already feeling.
Speaker 1: Your heart is already broken, and then you are breaking
Speaker 1: your own heart in some way by doing something that
Speaker 1: you actually don't want to do. So don't listen to
Speaker 1: that friend that's telling you that, listen to what you
Speaker 1: want to do and what you really probably need in
Speaker 1: this time is healing. And I asked my friend, I said,
Speaker 1: what do you really want in a man? And she
Speaker 1: described it, and honestly, it was so far from what
Speaker 1: she had been receiving or without realizing what she was seeking.
Speaker 1: And even if theoretically she knew what she wanted, she
Speaker 1: had one for in and one for out. So in
Speaker 1: our conversation, I remember telling her, you can't be dabbling
Speaker 1: in an emotionally unavailable past relationship while you're trying to
Speaker 1: find the emotionally available man of your dreams. It's just
Speaker 1: impossible because you are sending mixed signals to the universe.
Speaker 1: And until you are clear on what you're asking for,
Speaker 1: not just in words but in actions, that you are
Speaker 1: extremely clear on what you're asking the universe or God
Speaker 1: to send you, it's going to be really difficult to
Speaker 1: receive that because also you kind of have to show
Speaker 1: God and the universe that you're truly ready to receive it.
Speaker 1: You're truly ready to not just receive it, recognize it,
Speaker 1: but also to keep that gift that you are asking for,
Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, our partners are
Speaker 1: a gift that we receive, especially if it's a good
Speaker 1: one that you're looking for, then we see as a
Speaker 1: gift that we are asking for. And so with that
Speaker 1: in mind, we have to be ready, with our hands open,
Speaker 1: ready to receive, which means you can't be holding on
Speaker 1: to something else and you have to have done the
Speaker 1: work to actually keep that gift that you are being given.
Speaker 1: And so doing the work between a breakup that you've
Speaker 1: had and receiving this person that you want in your life.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we think it's when is that person going to
Speaker 1: come into my life? But sometimes it's thinking, am I
Speaker 1: have I done the work in preparation for this person
Speaker 1: to come and to be able to recognize this person
Speaker 1: that I'm looking for? Have I done the work to
Speaker 1: find them and to keep them? And so sometimes these
Speaker 1: gaps in between are actually a useful space to be
Speaker 1: able to do the work required to not just have
Speaker 1: the vision to see the person when they come into
Speaker 1: our life, because sometimes we can be covered up with
Speaker 1: all these traumas and these habits that we have created,
Speaker 1: or the patterns that we've created in our life, that
Speaker 1: is impossible to sometimes see that this might be the
Speaker 1: person for you and also have done the work to
Speaker 1: be able to not just have one evening with them,
Speaker 1: have a date with them, but to maintain that relationship too.
Speaker 1: And I know this period in between when you're in
Speaker 1: a breakup can be really difficult. Yesterday actually I was
Speaker 1: with my friend and she said she was actually pre period, which,
Speaker 1: by the way, is one of the hardest times to
Speaker 1: have gone through a breakup because you feel really vulnerable
Speaker 1: and your hormones are all over the place, and all
Speaker 1: she really wanted was a cuddle. So she was definitely
Speaker 1: in a vulnerable state, the most vulnerable state of texting
Speaker 1: an X And in those times, you have to without fail,
Speaker 1: tell someone that that is how you're feeling. Luckily she
Speaker 1: told me, and we were having a conversation throughout the
Speaker 1: day about it, and so I really recommend when you're
Speaker 1: feeling that way, usually we end up not telling our
Speaker 1: friends because we know they're going to tell us to
Speaker 1: do the thing that we really want to do, which
Speaker 1: is text them, so we kind of keep it hidden.
Speaker 1: We'll text them and then we'll go to it after
Speaker 1: and then tell our friend after it's done. But the
Speaker 1: good thing is my friend's really trying, and so she said,
Speaker 1: I really need this right now in my life. And
Speaker 1: obviously we were making jokes about it and being like,
Speaker 1: just go hunk that guy over there. But the reason
Speaker 1: it's important to tell someone about it is because they
Speaker 1: can help you to make the decision they know you
Speaker 1: want to make, even if you're not able to see
Speaker 1: it right now. It makes you accountable. Just like when
Speaker 1: you want to go to the gym and you're messaging
Speaker 1: your friend every single day saying that I'm on my
Speaker 1: way or I don't want to go right now, and
Speaker 1: your friend's motivating you to go. It's the same with
Speaker 1: this type of situation. So I tell my friend that
Speaker 1: as soon as she gets home, she has to send
Speaker 1: me a picture of her in the bath doing whatever
Speaker 1: she wants to do at home, but not being with
Speaker 1: her ex. I just needed proof of that every single hour,
Speaker 1: to make sure that she's not outside his door waiting
Speaker 1: for him to open it, but also to use that
Speaker 1: as a place of strength, because it is a strength
Speaker 1: building exercise for yourself. Yes, it sucks to be by
Speaker 1: yourself in those moments. It is hard when that feeling
Speaker 1: of loneliness strikes. But you know what she did. She
Speaker 1: went home, She had a bath, she lit a candle,
Speaker 1: she read a book, she put on some freshly washed pajamas,
Speaker 1: got into her freshly washed sheets, and she soothed herself
Speaker 1: in that moment by reading a book, by doing self
Speaker 1: care rituals that made her feel better about herself. And
Speaker 1: this morning she woke up and she was so happy
Speaker 1: and proud that she did not text an X just
Speaker 1: because she was feeling vulnerable in the moment and wanted
Speaker 1: a cuddle. And look, if you do end up giving in, okay,
Speaker 1: it happens. Who hasn't done that, It is what it is.
Speaker 1: And you might wake up the next morning wishing you didn't,
Speaker 1: but then you just start again and it just is
Speaker 1: like that sometimes, and that's okay too. You might text them,
Speaker 1: you might show up on outside their door. Whatever you
Speaker 1: end up doing. Don't think that that means you have
Speaker 1: gotten back into that cycle. You need to put yourself
Speaker 1: back out and start again. And I think sometimes we
Speaker 1: expect breakup to be dramatic, you know, because of what
Speaker 1: you see on TV and in TV shows that make
Speaker 1: the drama really romantic. It's the showing up in the
Speaker 1: rain outside your door in the middle of the night moments,
Speaker 1: or it's the bumping into them by accident, maybe at
Speaker 1: a bar, and one night turning into a reconciliation moment
Speaker 1: where you realize you're both wrong and it can work again.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it is just you alone, not texting them. That
Speaker 1: is what the healing is. It's not stalking them, it's
Speaker 1: not reacting. It is just silence and stillness and letting
Speaker 1: that be the healing. And let me tell you, I
Speaker 1: I have done way too many drive bys in my
Speaker 1: life and trying to chase that feeling and it did
Speaker 1: not make me feel any better at all. And the
Speaker 1: thing is just letting the days go by like that.
Speaker 1: Just the simple not texting, not sending the messages, not
Speaker 1: liking an Instagram post. It can feel really pointless and
Speaker 1: it can feel like you're not making much progress at all,
Speaker 1: especially if you're used to chaos or emotional highs and
Speaker 1: lows in relationships. But honestly, this feeling of it's not boredom,
Speaker 1: but this feeling of simplicity is often just your nervous
Speaker 1: system finally recalibrating. So if you have mistaken chaos for
Speaker 1: connection for way too long in your life, peace might
Speaker 1: end up being mistaken for emptiness. But actually it is freedom,
Speaker 1: And if you've been trapped in this cycle for too long,
Speaker 1: it will take you a while to actually get out
Speaker 1: of this caged mindset. Even if the doors are wide open.
Speaker 1: The doors might be wide open for you, but you
Speaker 1: are still stuck in there. So you kind of have
Speaker 1: to say in it and let it be, and it's
Speaker 1: the only way to get out of that cycle. You
Speaker 1: know what's also hard not knowing how that person is
Speaker 1: feeling after your breakup. That can be really difficult. My
Speaker 1: friend said to me, I just want him to be
Speaker 1: obsessed with me, and I want him to be sad
Speaker 1: without me, and just I want to know that he's
Speaker 1: feeling horrible without me, just like I am. And I said, well,
Speaker 1: why do you want someone who you fundamentally do not
Speaker 1: want to be with. Why do you want him to
Speaker 1: be obsessed with you? Focus your energy on attracting the
Speaker 1: healthy obsession of someone who you actually want to be with.
Speaker 1: But I do get it. You want the person that's
Speaker 1: hurt you to hurt a little. I've felt that before.
Speaker 1: You just want that slight satisfaction and comfort that this
Speaker 1: person did care and he is struggling without you. But
Speaker 1: because otherwise it feels like, did that person even care?
Speaker 1: Did you not actually love me as much as I
Speaker 1: loved him? Did this whole relationship not mean anything to him?
Speaker 1: And I think that's the hardest pool to swallow in
Speaker 1: a breakup. It's not always the loss of the relationship.
Speaker 1: It's the moments after, the overthinking, the not knowing, not
Speaker 1: knowing if they cared as much as you did, not
Speaker 1: knowing if they're sad, not knowing if they even think
Speaker 1: about you in every moment of every day, which is
Speaker 1: the irrational thoughts that we end up having that they
Speaker 1: should be doing that. And it's not really about wanting
Speaker 1: them back, that feeling of wanting to be missed, that
Speaker 1: craving of wanting to be missed. It's not about wanting
Speaker 1: them to want you back. It's about wanting to feel validated,
Speaker 1: to feel like the love and the effort, the time,
Speaker 1: the energy spent, and the pain that it actually meant something.
Speaker 1: But honestly, the truth is, and I've had to tell
Speaker 1: myself this before, and this is what I tell my friend,
Speaker 1: you do not need someone to be hurting to prove
Speaker 1: that you mattered. That is a fib that we tell ourselves.
Speaker 1: The other person hurting does not is not proof that
Speaker 1: you mattered in that relationship. Your worth is so not
Speaker 1: dependent on how loudly someone grieves your absence, and that's
Speaker 1: something you need to remind yourself of every single day
Speaker 1: that you're going through this and obsession, especially from someone
Speaker 1: who could not love you well, is not proof of love.
Speaker 1: It's proof of ego and control. If someone actually ends
Speaker 1: up getting more possessive, more controlling, and more obsessive after
Speaker 1: you leave, that's a sign of that someone's ego is
Speaker 1: coming out and it's definitely not a sign of love,
Speaker 1: because if they're not able to give you the love
Speaker 1: that you deserve while you're with them, why would you
Speaker 1: waste all your energy wishing for crumbs of validation when
Speaker 1: they couldn't even hold your heart when they had it
Speaker 1: in the first place. So wish and pray instead, not
Speaker 1: that that person is hurting or that they're missing you,
Speaker 1: but wish and pray instead for peace and for clarity,
Speaker 1: for someone who just won't be sad without you and
Speaker 1: realize when it's too late, but for someone who appreciates
Speaker 1: your presence and when you are actually there, and you know,
Speaker 1: when you see your friend hurt that much, what you
Speaker 1: really want them to feel is I really did want
Speaker 1: her to know that she can't attract so much better
Speaker 1: in life. So we started this thing where she would
Speaker 1: just say hey to a guy if she thought he
Speaker 1: was cute, make conversation maybe on a dating app with
Speaker 1: a person that you usually would say no to, because
Speaker 1: if your type hasn't served you well so far, it's
Speaker 1: useful to try and speak to people that maybe you
Speaker 1: would have expected to say yes, to give someone a
Speaker 1: chance that you wouldn't normally give a chance to, you know.
Speaker 1: And a couple of weeks in she started saying, I'm
Speaker 1: so tired. I just it's fun, but it's also really tiring,
Speaker 1: and I feel really drained. And you know what we
Speaker 1: don't talk about enough how draining casual flirting can be.
Speaker 1: It seems really harmless at first, and it feels fun
Speaker 1: and light and flirty and exciting, but honestly, it is
Speaker 1: energy draining. If you're sprinkling your energy all over the
Speaker 1: place with nothing actually grounding you, every conversation can become
Speaker 1: like a little tiny leak in your own power, in
Speaker 1: your own energy, and you're already going through this energy
Speaker 1: of you're already draining energy in heartbreak, and then you're
Speaker 1: kind of what energy you do have left instead of
Speaker 1: pouring it back into yourself, sprinkling it out there to
Speaker 1: other people who you haven't really got much meaning to
Speaker 1: or aren't really pouring much back into you, and so
Speaker 1: it can actually make you feel a little bit more anxious.
Speaker 1: You're constantly thinking about what to reply, whether they're going
Speaker 1: to reply, if they mean what they say, and over time,
Speaker 1: all that little energy that you're expending, it adds up.
Speaker 1: And so as much as I did want that for
Speaker 1: her in the beginning, and I thought it was a
Speaker 1: good idea for her to feel and know that she
Speaker 1: is so beautiful and that she is wanted by other
Speaker 1: people and so deserving of attention and adoration, I actually
Speaker 1: think it wasn't the best advice. And the ideal situation
Speaker 1: is solitude to actually heal, to conserve energy and utilize
Speaker 1: that energy in this healing process rather than spreading it
Speaker 1: to other people. And even though that feels like the
Speaker 1: most difficult option, solitude is probably the last thing you
Speaker 1: want in this time. I think long term that it
Speaker 1: is definitely the best way to start a breakup journey.
Speaker 1: And Jay has his book Eight Rules of Love, and
Speaker 1: I think the first chapter actually talks about solitude and
Speaker 1: how important it is even if you're not getting through
Speaker 1: a breakup, but even if you are just connecting trying
Speaker 1: to have a deeper relationship with your partner, having these
Speaker 1: moments of solitude are so important to recalibrate, to understand
Speaker 1: what it is you truly want to make the right
Speaker 1: decisions in your relationship or before you get into one,
Speaker 1: and not just for you, but for the person you
Speaker 1: will be with next. Why would you want to carry
Speaker 1: broken parts of yourself into the next encounter that you have?
Speaker 1: And look, you're always going to have little parts of
Speaker 1: your breakups or your past relationships that you carry with you.
Speaker 1: I think that's just part of life. But the cleaner
Speaker 1: you go into your next relationship, the more chance of
Speaker 1: success that it will have. And don't you want to
Speaker 1: be the most epic version of yourself when you meet
Speaker 1: that person. Really, what you probably need is a little
Speaker 1: bit of self love and some girl time and listen,
Speaker 1: love can come from so many different places. It doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be a romantic love. Sometimes, when you have
Speaker 1: your heart broken, what you probably need is a cuddle
Speaker 1: from your mum or friends that you laugh with and
Speaker 1: filling yourself up in a different way, because right now
Speaker 1: that place is going through trauma and it doesn't need
Speaker 1: to be filled right now. It just needs to be empty,
Speaker 1: and slowly it will be refueled. But when you can't
Speaker 1: mend that area of your life where you're not able
Speaker 1: to fulfill that part, focus on other areas of your
Speaker 1: life and help to strengthen those areas and feel good
Speaker 1: in those areas of your life, whether it's friendships or
Speaker 1: family relationships or your relationship with yourself, and naturally that
Speaker 1: will help you feel better. Maybe not in the romantic
Speaker 1: part of your life, but it will still make you
Speaker 1: feel better in some way. So if you're in that
Speaker 1: raw space right now, wondering if it gets better, wondering
Speaker 1: if you're ever stop checking your phone or feeling that ache.
Speaker 1: I just really want you to know that you are
Speaker 1: definitely not broken. You are in a transitional phase right now,
Speaker 1: and what comes next isn't just from someone else. It
Speaker 1: is a deep return to yourself, which is what you
Speaker 1: really need in this time, and that is honestly the
Speaker 1: love that's going to carry you through, not just this time,
Speaker 1: but carry you through into a relationship that is worthy
Speaker 1: of you being in. And if you're still crying over him,
Speaker 1: or still checking his page, or still wondering if he
Speaker 1: misses you, that's also okay. But just know this that
Speaker 1: you actually are a prize and their prize, and you
Speaker 1: are a person that someone else is praying for. And
Speaker 1: so don't worry about the person that's not crying over you.
Speaker 1: Worry about the person that is praying for you. And
Speaker 1: the more that you stop pouring energy and thoughts into
Speaker 1: people who can't hold you, the more that you will
Speaker 1: start attracting the ones who can. You do not need
Speaker 1: someone to be obsessed with you. Do You deserve someone
Speaker 1: who's intentional with you. And so take your time, breathe, cry,
Speaker 1: laugh with your best friends, and it's time to relearn
Speaker 1: your own worth before you even jump into another relationship.
Speaker 1: I heard this quote and I thought it was really
Speaker 1: relevant for this. Do you not heal by going back?
Speaker 1: You heal by moving forward with more wisdom, more softness,
Speaker 1: and a deeper sense of self worth. So I really
Speaker 1: hope if you didn't have a friend that you could
Speaker 1: turn to during this time, I hope that this episode
Speaker 1: felt like a friend that you could talk to and
Speaker 1: turn to and relate to. And I'm sending you so
Speaker 1: much love through this difficult time because I know it's
Speaker 1: painful and horrible, but just know that we are here
Speaker 1: for you. And if you are going through it and
Speaker 1: you want to send a little message, we're on the
Speaker 1: comment section here. I'm sure that there is a huge
Speaker 1: community of people who are going through the same thing
Speaker 1: just as you are, which is exactly what a really
Speaker 1: good CRI is for. So sending you so much love
Speaker 1: and I will see you next week.