1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:04,440 Speaker 1: You deserve so much more than what your dad and 2 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:08,000 Speaker 1: those other men have given you. The real question is 3 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:13,119 Speaker 1: do you feel worthy of meaningful, respectful and intentional connections 4 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,640 Speaker 1: or are you lowering your standards so much that you 5 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:19,639 Speaker 1: give access to those who actually don't see your value. 6 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:23,240 Speaker 1: I heard a quote that said your naked body should 7 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:25,400 Speaker 1: only be available to those who fall in love with 8 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,920 Speaker 1: your naked soul. That you actually are a prize and 9 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,960 Speaker 1: their prize, and you are a person that someone else 10 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,720 Speaker 1: is praying for. And so don't worry about the person 11 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,920 Speaker 1: that's not crying over you, worry about the person that 12 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,519 Speaker 1: is praying for you. I'm Raley Wukiah and on my 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,280 Speaker 1: podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the messy and 14 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:47,959 Speaker 1: the beautiful, providing a space for raw and fielded conversations 15 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,520 Speaker 1: that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in to learn, 16 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,240 Speaker 1: connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, and welcome back 17 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 1: to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry. Thank 18 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,360 Speaker 1: you all so much for listening. I appreciate it. And 19 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 1: if you're new here, hi, and if you are an 20 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,880 Speaker 1: OG listener, thank you for coming back time and time again. 21 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,120 Speaker 1: So this week I wanted to talk about all the 22 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,679 Speaker 1: conversations I have been having with some of my friends 23 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:15,240 Speaker 1: about breakups. I have had some of my favorite people 24 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,679 Speaker 1: in the world, my incredible friends, going through breakups or 25 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:22,800 Speaker 1: difficult times right now in their relationships, and they are 26 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,039 Speaker 1: truly doing the work, like really doing the work to 27 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,440 Speaker 1: break patterns that are just not helping them in life 28 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,640 Speaker 1: or in their relationships, patterns that they felt trapped by, 29 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: and just really trying in life, you know, to be fabulous, 30 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:39,520 Speaker 1: incredible partners and people. So firstly, I just want to 31 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 1: shout out to all of you, anybody who is listening 32 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:47,360 Speaker 1: that's doing the work and struggling through it, because it 33 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,080 Speaker 1: really does feel crappy sometimes, and it really is so 34 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 1: much effort and so much struggle trying to be better, 35 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,800 Speaker 1: and sometimes it really doesn't feel worth it because of 36 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,920 Speaker 1: how crappy it can feel. But you're still here, You're trying, 37 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: you maybe failing a little bit, but you're still bouncing 38 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:09,720 Speaker 1: back each time because you know you are a baddie, 39 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,760 Speaker 1: but also because you know deep down that this is 40 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,239 Speaker 1: what you need to do. And sometimes what we need 41 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,239 Speaker 1: to do is not what we want to be doing, 42 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 1: and it never feels good. So I'm sending you all 43 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,080 Speaker 1: so much love, and I'm so sorry if you are 44 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,919 Speaker 1: going through a breakup, I know it sucks. I've been there. 45 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:31,359 Speaker 1: It's awful and horrendous and literally like someone has physically 46 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:35,240 Speaker 1: put their hand down your throat and pulled your heart out. 47 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:39,920 Speaker 1: I get it. It is treacherous and can feel absolutely horrific, 48 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,000 Speaker 1: and it can sometimes feel like it will never get better, 49 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,040 Speaker 1: but it will and it does, and you can freaking 50 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,960 Speaker 1: do this even on the days it feels like you can't. 51 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,840 Speaker 1: So I hope that this episode serves as a best 52 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,600 Speaker 1: friend holding your hand through this, because that is what 53 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,720 Speaker 1: I've been doing for my friends lately, and just in 54 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,720 Speaker 1: case you don't have that person in your life, I 55 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,040 Speaker 1: would love to be that for you right now. So 56 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:08,920 Speaker 1: we've actually been having so many great chats and conversations 57 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:12,360 Speaker 1: around this topic, and my friends often actually say, why 58 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 1: don't you just record our conversations and turn it into podcasts? 59 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,000 Speaker 1: But the fact is if I did that, I'll be 60 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: exposing a lot of these lads who don't want to 61 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,800 Speaker 1: be exposed like that. So I won't be doing that. 62 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,040 Speaker 1: But what I did do is write down some of 63 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,960 Speaker 1: those reflections and mentally note the conversations in hopes that 64 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,680 Speaker 1: it will also help somebody else going through it, and 65 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 1: also some of the realizations that I had when I 66 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 1: had gone through something similar. But you know, over the years, 67 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,160 Speaker 1: I've actually had to be quite careful about the advice 68 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: that I give out. I used to be someone who 69 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,240 Speaker 1: thought it was my duty as a friend to, you know, 70 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:51,240 Speaker 1: throw out advice or my opinion about things all over 71 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,600 Speaker 1: the place. You know, something happened, I say, it's my 72 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:57,360 Speaker 1: right I should tell my friend this. But over the 73 00:03:57,440 --> 00:04:01,400 Speaker 1: years HAVE become a lot more cautious about that, because 74 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,119 Speaker 1: to really understand why someone acts the way that they do, 75 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,840 Speaker 1: you need to know where they've come from. And that's 76 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,840 Speaker 1: why I've become so cautious about just dishing advice out. 77 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,800 Speaker 1: I started living by the philosophy of drinking water, reminding 78 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,280 Speaker 1: your business, and it has served me well. It has 79 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: been my philosophy that I've truly tried to live by 80 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,560 Speaker 1: because I used to be a bit of a nosey Parker, 81 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 1: and honestly, it was hindering my friendships rather than creating 82 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 1: more meaningful friendships. And so what I've tried to do 83 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,800 Speaker 1: now is truly understand the person that I'm trying to 84 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,880 Speaker 1: give advice to or that have asked me for my 85 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,479 Speaker 1: advice before I throw anything in there, because if someone 86 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,200 Speaker 1: values your opinion, they could take it really seriously, and 87 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,359 Speaker 1: so I'd want to give it with as much information 88 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,840 Speaker 1: as possible. And So if you are listening to this 89 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,760 Speaker 1: and you're not going through a breakup, but you're someone 90 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:50,280 Speaker 1: who's giving advice to a friend or has someone in 91 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:53,560 Speaker 1: your life going through this, then hopefully this is a 92 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,880 Speaker 1: little note to you too, just in case you throw 93 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,919 Speaker 1: a little piece of advice in there that maybe you 94 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 1: shouldn't have or you just can't help yourself. Even when 95 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,200 Speaker 1: they haven't asked for the advice, you're just still trying 96 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: to give it. Hopefully this will give you a bit 97 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,479 Speaker 1: of perspective on how to give that advice to. So 98 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 1: rewind and try and find out and understand the things 99 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,200 Speaker 1: that your friends have been through in the past before 100 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:21,200 Speaker 1: giving advice on the present, whether it's family, whether it's 101 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 1: relationships with their parents, whether it's micro or macro traumas 102 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:29,039 Speaker 1: that they've been through, or maybe it's mental health struggles. 103 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:32,640 Speaker 1: It has really deepened my friendship with that person and 104 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,279 Speaker 1: my ability to be there for them in the right way, 105 00:05:35,839 --> 00:05:39,440 Speaker 1: with no judgment and advice that feels right for them. So, 106 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,440 Speaker 1: for example, one of my friends has had a pattern 107 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,760 Speaker 1: of being with men who are in some way unavailable, 108 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,479 Speaker 1: usually emotionally, unable to commit fully or not able to 109 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,000 Speaker 1: really communicate with her. Well, now, if you hear that 110 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:53,440 Speaker 1: in isolation, many times people might think, Oh, she just 111 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:57,120 Speaker 1: likes a bad boy. It's a preference thing, She's just 112 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,440 Speaker 1: going for that type of guy. But when you actually 113 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 1: learn the con text behind and her past, you realize 114 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:06,159 Speaker 1: that the pattern is actually quite valid, and it comes 115 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,960 Speaker 1: from a place where her dad hasn't always been available 116 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,240 Speaker 1: or hasn't been present in her life, and so her 117 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:16,599 Speaker 1: default and her blueprint and her first experience of a man, 118 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:22,760 Speaker 1: and therefore her normality is an unavailable man. Whereas for me, 119 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:27,000 Speaker 1: my dad has always been a stable, nervous system, regulating 120 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,919 Speaker 1: kind of man in my life. He has been consistent, stable, 121 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:35,160 Speaker 1: always there, always provided emotionally, physically and mentally for us. 122 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,560 Speaker 1: He's been my safety in so many ways. And so 123 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,800 Speaker 1: growing up in that way, I actually had a clear 124 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,359 Speaker 1: idea and a clear vision of what that felt like 125 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,159 Speaker 1: or what that looks like. And so it's much easier 126 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,599 Speaker 1: to recognize something when you've had previous experience of it before. 127 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,239 Speaker 1: But if you've never had that and it's not your norm, 128 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:57,000 Speaker 1: how can you recognize it easily if it is so 129 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,560 Speaker 1: farign not unfamiliar to you? And so if you're familiar 130 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:04,839 Speaker 1: has been rejection and a key man in your life 131 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,040 Speaker 1: like your dad, being unavailable to you, that's what your 132 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 1: default might actually be. So without realizing it, you could 133 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:15,520 Speaker 1: subconsciously be attracting people who are either unavailable, are you 134 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 1: with someone else or in a complicated situation, or just 135 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,040 Speaker 1: emotionally unable to give you what you need. So my 136 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,800 Speaker 1: friend is fully aware of this and it's constantly trying 137 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 1: to rewire this pattern, working really hard to actually, So 138 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,920 Speaker 1: that was just a little note to anybody who is 139 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,800 Speaker 1: me right now in this situation where you are listening 140 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: and hearing somebody else's difficulties. And I'm telling you this 141 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,840 Speaker 1: because grace is something that's really necessary in the world 142 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,480 Speaker 1: right now, especially grace with people that are closest to us, 143 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,440 Speaker 1: and it allows them to be open and honest with 144 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,520 Speaker 1: you without feeling like they're being judged in a situation, 145 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,880 Speaker 1: and if someone is confiding in you know how serious 146 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,679 Speaker 1: and how precious that is, and how much it takes 147 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 1: for someone to do that and be hones in those situations. 148 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,320 Speaker 1: It's also such an honor to have someone's trust in you, 149 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 1: and the way you reciprocate is just through ears that 150 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 1: are without judgment and a heart with enough space to 151 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: see things from a different point of view. It is 152 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 1: so easy to judge when you're on the outside or 153 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 1: when you don't understand someone. So the best way to 154 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,640 Speaker 1: resolve that is to ask questions and to get to 155 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 1: know your friends deeper, to get to the why behind 156 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,840 Speaker 1: the actions or the situations that they're in. And so now, 157 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:32,480 Speaker 1: if you're someone who resonates with my friend, I will 158 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 1: with love tell you the same thing that I told her. 159 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 1: You deserve so much more than what your dad and 160 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,520 Speaker 1: those other men have given you. And it's actually not 161 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:46,280 Speaker 1: about these men at all. What they did was a 162 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,640 Speaker 1: reflection of their inability to manage their trauma or pain. 163 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,520 Speaker 1: You just happen to be the recipient of that pain. 164 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,920 Speaker 1: But now what you do does not have to be 165 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,679 Speaker 1: a result of that. You don't need to figure out 166 00:08:57,679 --> 00:09:00,800 Speaker 1: why you're even attracted to these emotional under available people. 167 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,600 Speaker 1: You actually need to figure out why their actions have 168 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: created a deep rooted belief in you that this is 169 00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:10,760 Speaker 1: what you deserve, and why that's the story you have 170 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 1: created in your own mind. And so I think that's 171 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:17,600 Speaker 1: a really good starting point. When you've been dating someone 172 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:21,040 Speaker 1: who hasn't fulfilled your needs, or you keep going back 173 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,160 Speaker 1: to someone who's actually not good for you, a good 174 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 1: place to start is thinking, not why am I attracted 175 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,760 Speaker 1: to this person? But why do I feel like this 176 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,840 Speaker 1: is what I deserve? Why is this the bar that 177 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:36,199 Speaker 1: I have for myself of what I actually allow into 178 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,920 Speaker 1: my life? And why do I feel like this is 179 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 1: the type of relationship that I deserve? And I think 180 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 1: breaking that down, whether it's in therapy, whether it is 181 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:49,320 Speaker 1: by yourself, really kind of going through this journey in 182 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,440 Speaker 1: your mind of where does this deep rooted feeling come from? 183 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,160 Speaker 1: Is so useful to then break this pattern, to allow 184 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:59,400 Speaker 1: yourself to believe you deserve more in your life, to 185 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,600 Speaker 1: believe that you you do deserve the person who is emotionally, physically, 186 00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:05,679 Speaker 1: or mentally available to you, To believe that you do 187 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 1: deserve someone who is attracted to you is wanting to 188 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:15,120 Speaker 1: spend time with you. And so I think that is 189 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,960 Speaker 1: the most important place to start, because you will not 190 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: attract something that you don't deeply believe you deserve. So 191 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:25,160 Speaker 1: sometimes it's actually less about the other guy or the 192 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:27,760 Speaker 1: other person. It's so much more about you and you 193 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:32,960 Speaker 1: figuring out how to elevate your expectations and your desires 194 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,800 Speaker 1: and your beliefs about yourself. So, like I said, a 195 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,720 Speaker 1: couple of my friends are going through a breakup, so 196 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,640 Speaker 1: it's been really interesting going through this journey with them. 197 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:42,360 Speaker 1: One of the other things that my friend has really 198 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,000 Speaker 1: been struggling with is how to manage this breakup. Do 199 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,720 Speaker 1: I jump into another relationship, Do I have sex with 200 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:53,440 Speaker 1: as many people as possible. Do I stick with myself 201 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: and just try and work things out? And I actually 202 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,240 Speaker 1: think one of the worst piece of advice that people 203 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,320 Speaker 1: are given during this time is to just get back 204 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:06,559 Speaker 1: out there or to have mindless connections with people, thinking 205 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,040 Speaker 1: that you need to get back out there to fill 206 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:12,360 Speaker 1: that void. And unfortunately, sometimes that avoid gets filled with sex. 207 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,920 Speaker 1: And the problem is that sex is so much more 208 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,800 Speaker 1: than just a moment of fun. It is a full blown, 209 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,559 Speaker 1: energetic exchange. And so what may feel like a great 210 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 1: idea at the beginning, your friends are telling you just go, 211 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,400 Speaker 1: you know, have sex with this random guy that we 212 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,000 Speaker 1: meet out, or you think of going back to an 213 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:33,880 Speaker 1: old ex to fulfill that feeling of being lonely. The 214 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,520 Speaker 1: problem is it doesn't just stop in that moment. You 215 00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:39,360 Speaker 1: actually carry it with you long after you've had that interaction. 216 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:43,040 Speaker 1: You are allowing this person not just physically into your body, 217 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:47,600 Speaker 1: but into your personal intimate energetic field. That energy can 218 00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:51,160 Speaker 1: actually stay with you long after the actual encounter, and 219 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 1: it's literally like plugging into an energy socket and opening 220 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,679 Speaker 1: up an energy channel between you both. Who gets access 221 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 1: to you is a good in indicator of how valuable 222 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:05,040 Speaker 1: you are, especially when it comes to sex. It is 223 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:08,280 Speaker 1: a deeply intimate experience and it really should just be 224 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,800 Speaker 1: reserved for someone who is deserving of you. The real 225 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 1: question is do you feel worthy of meaningful, respectful and 226 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:20,880 Speaker 1: intentional connections or are you lowering your standards so much 227 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,440 Speaker 1: that you give access to those who actually don't see 228 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:27,000 Speaker 1: your value. I heard a quote that said your naked 229 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,680 Speaker 1: body should only be available to those who fall in 230 00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 1: love with your naked soul, and I have heard from 231 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,200 Speaker 1: so many friends after breakups who say I wish I 232 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 1: hadn't done that, and I don't know why I did that, 233 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,960 Speaker 1: and I didn't even like him. I just did it 234 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:45,680 Speaker 1: because I was feeling lonely or vulnerable in that moment. 235 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,480 Speaker 1: And I heard this podcast actually where Humble the poet, 236 00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:53,439 Speaker 1: he said something. It was on Jay's podcast, and he said, 237 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:58,040 Speaker 1: guild is actually rarely about the other person. It usually 238 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:01,559 Speaker 1: is because we have gone against our own deep values 239 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:05,360 Speaker 1: in principles, and so feeling good in the moment isn't 240 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,719 Speaker 1: the test of whether something is right for us. It's 241 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,920 Speaker 1: actually how it makes you feel for the minutes, hours, days, 242 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:15,239 Speaker 1: or weeks after. And usually the things that bring temporary satisfaction, 243 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 1: especially with things like this like casual sex, do not 244 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,720 Speaker 1: bring us long term contentment and actually make us lose 245 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,880 Speaker 1: a sense of self worth when we're going against our 246 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:30,040 Speaker 1: own values or our own beliefs about ourself. So you 247 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:33,400 Speaker 1: might actually find yourself feeling emptier after those encounters, not 248 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,040 Speaker 1: because sex itself is bad, but because the exchange lack 249 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,560 Speaker 1: the depth that your soul was actually looking for. And 250 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:43,760 Speaker 1: so if a friend does advise you just go out there, 251 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:48,200 Speaker 1: have some fun, just have these random like there's a 252 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:50,400 Speaker 1: cute guy over there, why don't you see what happens. 253 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,960 Speaker 1: I honestly don't think that that is the place to 254 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 1: start after you've had your heart broken, because you're trying 255 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,559 Speaker 1: to fill your heart and you're trying to fill a 256 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,840 Speaker 1: void that is happening in your heart space, and having 257 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,680 Speaker 1: sex is going to not fill that up at all. Actually, 258 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,000 Speaker 1: it's probably going to pull at your heart strings more 259 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,320 Speaker 1: because you know deep down that's not what you're trying 260 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:16,040 Speaker 1: to look for, and it will not feel the void 261 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:19,760 Speaker 1: that you are feeling. And so you have to listen 262 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 1: to what you actually want and what your needs are 263 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:26,760 Speaker 1: long term, and try not to give into your temporary 264 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:30,240 Speaker 1: lows that come with this process, and know that that 265 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,560 Speaker 1: is part of the process, that feeling that void is 266 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:37,120 Speaker 1: part of the process. Sometimes when it feels so dire, 267 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:41,200 Speaker 1: you end up making the worst decisions. And so actually 268 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 1: sitting with that pain or the sorrow or the sadness 269 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,600 Speaker 1: and allowing it to be helps you to get over 270 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:51,680 Speaker 1: it faster then adding to the pain that you're already feeling. 271 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,720 Speaker 1: And most of the time, guilt is one of the 272 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 1: hardest things for us to feel, because when you feel 273 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:59,040 Speaker 1: bad about yourself, it's the hardest pill to swallow about 274 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 1: doing something against you own values, and so that actually 275 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,080 Speaker 1: will end up adding to the pain that you're already feeling. 276 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 1: Your heart is already broken, and then you are breaking 277 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 1: your own heart in some way by doing something that 278 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: you actually don't want to do. So don't listen to 279 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,320 Speaker 1: that friend that's telling you that, listen to what you 280 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,680 Speaker 1: want to do and what you really probably need in 281 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,200 Speaker 1: this time is healing. And I asked my friend, I said, 282 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,920 Speaker 1: what do you really want in a man? And she 283 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:30,000 Speaker 1: described it, and honestly, it was so far from what 284 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:34,200 Speaker 1: she had been receiving or without realizing what she was seeking. 285 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 1: And even if theoretically she knew what she wanted, she 286 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,200 Speaker 1: had one for in and one for out. So in 287 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,560 Speaker 1: our conversation, I remember telling her, you can't be dabbling 288 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: in an emotionally unavailable past relationship while you're trying to 289 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,000 Speaker 1: find the emotionally available man of your dreams. It's just 290 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:54,120 Speaker 1: impossible because you are sending mixed signals to the universe. 291 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,160 Speaker 1: And until you are clear on what you're asking for, 292 00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 1: not just in words but in actions, that you are 293 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,840 Speaker 1: extremely clear on what you're asking the universe or God 294 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,640 Speaker 1: to send you, it's going to be really difficult to 295 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,400 Speaker 1: receive that because also you kind of have to show 296 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 1: God and the universe that you're truly ready to receive it. 297 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,160 Speaker 1: You're truly ready to not just receive it, recognize it, 298 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,920 Speaker 1: but also to keep that gift that you are asking for, 299 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,000 Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, our partners are 300 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,760 Speaker 1: a gift that we receive, especially if it's a good 301 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,440 Speaker 1: one that you're looking for, then we see as a 302 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 1: gift that we are asking for. And so with that 303 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,760 Speaker 1: in mind, we have to be ready, with our hands open, 304 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,400 Speaker 1: ready to receive, which means you can't be holding on 305 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,400 Speaker 1: to something else and you have to have done the 306 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 1: work to actually keep that gift that you are being given. 307 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,720 Speaker 1: And so doing the work between a breakup that you've 308 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:49,320 Speaker 1: had and receiving this person that you want in your life. 309 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,640 Speaker 1: Sometimes we think it's when is that person going to 310 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,080 Speaker 1: come into my life? But sometimes it's thinking, am I 311 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,280 Speaker 1: have I done the work in preparation for this person 312 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,520 Speaker 1: to come and to be able to recognize this person 313 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,120 Speaker 1: that I'm looking for? Have I done the work to 314 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,560 Speaker 1: find them and to keep them? And so sometimes these 315 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:07,879 Speaker 1: gaps in between are actually a useful space to be 316 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,760 Speaker 1: able to do the work required to not just have 317 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,520 Speaker 1: the vision to see the person when they come into 318 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,760 Speaker 1: our life, because sometimes we can be covered up with 319 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:21,560 Speaker 1: all these traumas and these habits that we have created, 320 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,199 Speaker 1: or the patterns that we've created in our life, that 321 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,560 Speaker 1: is impossible to sometimes see that this might be the 322 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:31,359 Speaker 1: person for you and also have done the work to 323 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,280 Speaker 1: be able to not just have one evening with them, 324 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,880 Speaker 1: have a date with them, but to maintain that relationship too. 325 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,040 Speaker 1: And I know this period in between when you're in 326 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 1: a breakup can be really difficult. Yesterday actually I was 327 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 1: with my friend and she said she was actually pre period, which, 328 00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:45,960 Speaker 1: by the way, is one of the hardest times to 329 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,280 Speaker 1: have gone through a breakup because you feel really vulnerable 330 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:50,440 Speaker 1: and your hormones are all over the place, and all 331 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,920 Speaker 1: she really wanted was a cuddle. So she was definitely 332 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:56,440 Speaker 1: in a vulnerable state, the most vulnerable state of texting 333 00:17:56,440 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 1: an X And in those times, you have to without fail, 334 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,439 Speaker 1: tell someone that that is how you're feeling. Luckily she 335 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 1: told me, and we were having a conversation throughout the 336 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:10,640 Speaker 1: day about it, and so I really recommend when you're 337 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,879 Speaker 1: feeling that way, usually we end up not telling our 338 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,800 Speaker 1: friends because we know they're going to tell us to 339 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,720 Speaker 1: do the thing that we really want to do, which 340 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,359 Speaker 1: is text them, so we kind of keep it hidden. 341 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,320 Speaker 1: We'll text them and then we'll go to it after 342 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,600 Speaker 1: and then tell our friend after it's done. But the 343 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,120 Speaker 1: good thing is my friend's really trying, and so she said, 344 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,480 Speaker 1: I really need this right now in my life. And 345 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,879 Speaker 1: obviously we were making jokes about it and being like, 346 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,639 Speaker 1: just go hunk that guy over there. But the reason 347 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,000 Speaker 1: it's important to tell someone about it is because they 348 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,159 Speaker 1: can help you to make the decision they know you 349 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,440 Speaker 1: want to make, even if you're not able to see 350 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:45,159 Speaker 1: it right now. It makes you accountable. Just like when 351 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:46,960 Speaker 1: you want to go to the gym and you're messaging 352 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 1: your friend every single day saying that I'm on my 353 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,240 Speaker 1: way or I don't want to go right now, and 354 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,720 Speaker 1: your friend's motivating you to go. It's the same with 355 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,560 Speaker 1: this type of situation. So I tell my friend that 356 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,080 Speaker 1: as soon as she gets home, she has to send 357 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:01,960 Speaker 1: me a picture of her in the bath doing whatever 358 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,520 Speaker 1: she wants to do at home, but not being with 359 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,400 Speaker 1: her ex. I just needed proof of that every single hour, 360 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,960 Speaker 1: to make sure that she's not outside his door waiting 361 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,040 Speaker 1: for him to open it, but also to use that 362 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:18,119 Speaker 1: as a place of strength, because it is a strength 363 00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:21,520 Speaker 1: building exercise for yourself. Yes, it sucks to be by 364 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,560 Speaker 1: yourself in those moments. It is hard when that feeling 365 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:28,199 Speaker 1: of loneliness strikes. But you know what she did. She 366 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,720 Speaker 1: went home, She had a bath, she lit a candle, 367 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 1: she read a book, she put on some freshly washed pajamas, 368 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:38,800 Speaker 1: got into her freshly washed sheets, and she soothed herself 369 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,320 Speaker 1: in that moment by reading a book, by doing self 370 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:45,119 Speaker 1: care rituals that made her feel better about herself. And 371 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,240 Speaker 1: this morning she woke up and she was so happy 372 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,119 Speaker 1: and proud that she did not text an X just 373 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,480 Speaker 1: because she was feeling vulnerable in the moment and wanted 374 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:58,080 Speaker 1: a cuddle. And look, if you do end up giving in, okay, 375 00:19:58,119 --> 00:20:00,840 Speaker 1: it happens. Who hasn't done that, It is what it is. 376 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,280 Speaker 1: And you might wake up the next morning wishing you didn't, 377 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,520 Speaker 1: but then you just start again and it just is 378 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,760 Speaker 1: like that sometimes, and that's okay too. You might text them, 379 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,520 Speaker 1: you might show up on outside their door. Whatever you 380 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,879 Speaker 1: end up doing. Don't think that that means you have 381 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,080 Speaker 1: gotten back into that cycle. You need to put yourself 382 00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:21,000 Speaker 1: back out and start again. And I think sometimes we 383 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,399 Speaker 1: expect breakup to be dramatic, you know, because of what 384 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,760 Speaker 1: you see on TV and in TV shows that make 385 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,840 Speaker 1: the drama really romantic. It's the showing up in the 386 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,600 Speaker 1: rain outside your door in the middle of the night moments, 387 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:37,399 Speaker 1: or it's the bumping into them by accident, maybe at 388 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,959 Speaker 1: a bar, and one night turning into a reconciliation moment 389 00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:45,560 Speaker 1: where you realize you're both wrong and it can work again. 390 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,600 Speaker 1: Sometimes it is just you alone, not texting them. That 391 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:52,240 Speaker 1: is what the healing is. It's not stalking them, it's 392 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:57,240 Speaker 1: not reacting. It is just silence and stillness and letting 393 00:20:57,359 --> 00:21:00,040 Speaker 1: that be the healing. And let me tell you, I 394 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,720 Speaker 1: I have done way too many drive bys in my 395 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,320 Speaker 1: life and trying to chase that feeling and it did 396 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,399 Speaker 1: not make me feel any better at all. And the 397 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,879 Speaker 1: thing is just letting the days go by like that. 398 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:17,120 Speaker 1: Just the simple not texting, not sending the messages, not 399 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:21,600 Speaker 1: liking an Instagram post. It can feel really pointless and 400 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,880 Speaker 1: it can feel like you're not making much progress at all, 401 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,439 Speaker 1: especially if you're used to chaos or emotional highs and 402 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:31,560 Speaker 1: lows in relationships. But honestly, this feeling of it's not boredom, 403 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,959 Speaker 1: but this feeling of simplicity is often just your nervous 404 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:39,000 Speaker 1: system finally recalibrating. So if you have mistaken chaos for 405 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 1: connection for way too long in your life, peace might 406 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:45,960 Speaker 1: end up being mistaken for emptiness. But actually it is freedom, 407 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,000 Speaker 1: And if you've been trapped in this cycle for too long, 408 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,720 Speaker 1: it will take you a while to actually get out 409 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,879 Speaker 1: of this caged mindset. Even if the doors are wide open. 410 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,879 Speaker 1: The doors might be wide open for you, but you 411 00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,760 Speaker 1: are still stuck in there. So you kind of have 412 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 1: to say in it and let it be, and it's 413 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,280 Speaker 1: the only way to get out of that cycle. You 414 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,000 Speaker 1: know what's also hard not knowing how that person is 415 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,399 Speaker 1: feeling after your breakup. That can be really difficult. My 416 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 1: friend said to me, I just want him to be 417 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,720 Speaker 1: obsessed with me, and I want him to be sad 418 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,440 Speaker 1: without me, and just I want to know that he's 419 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,600 Speaker 1: feeling horrible without me, just like I am. And I said, well, 420 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,760 Speaker 1: why do you want someone who you fundamentally do not 421 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:25,399 Speaker 1: want to be with. Why do you want him to 422 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,560 Speaker 1: be obsessed with you? Focus your energy on attracting the 423 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:32,160 Speaker 1: healthy obsession of someone who you actually want to be with. 424 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:34,640 Speaker 1: But I do get it. You want the person that's 425 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,000 Speaker 1: hurt you to hurt a little. I've felt that before. 426 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,960 Speaker 1: You just want that slight satisfaction and comfort that this 427 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:44,919 Speaker 1: person did care and he is struggling without you. But 428 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,320 Speaker 1: because otherwise it feels like, did that person even care? 429 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,600 Speaker 1: Did you not actually love me as much as I 430 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,720 Speaker 1: loved him? Did this whole relationship not mean anything to him? 431 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:54,960 Speaker 1: And I think that's the hardest pool to swallow in 432 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,320 Speaker 1: a breakup. It's not always the loss of the relationship. 433 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:03,199 Speaker 1: It's the moments after, the overthinking, the not knowing, not 434 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,119 Speaker 1: knowing if they cared as much as you did, not 435 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,640 Speaker 1: knowing if they're sad, not knowing if they even think 436 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,399 Speaker 1: about you in every moment of every day, which is 437 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,399 Speaker 1: the irrational thoughts that we end up having that they 438 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,480 Speaker 1: should be doing that. And it's not really about wanting 439 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:19,280 Speaker 1: them back, that feeling of wanting to be missed, that 440 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:22,240 Speaker 1: craving of wanting to be missed. It's not about wanting 441 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,480 Speaker 1: them to want you back. It's about wanting to feel validated, 442 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,800 Speaker 1: to feel like the love and the effort, the time, 443 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 1: the energy spent, and the pain that it actually meant something. 444 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,640 Speaker 1: But honestly, the truth is, and I've had to tell 445 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,520 Speaker 1: myself this before, and this is what I tell my friend, 446 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:42,280 Speaker 1: you do not need someone to be hurting to prove 447 00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:46,560 Speaker 1: that you mattered. That is a fib that we tell ourselves. 448 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:50,480 Speaker 1: The other person hurting does not is not proof that 449 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:53,480 Speaker 1: you mattered in that relationship. Your worth is so not 450 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,600 Speaker 1: dependent on how loudly someone grieves your absence, and that's 451 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:59,120 Speaker 1: something you need to remind yourself of every single day 452 00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:02,920 Speaker 1: that you're going through this and obsession, especially from someone 453 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:06,200 Speaker 1: who could not love you well, is not proof of love. 454 00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:09,280 Speaker 1: It's proof of ego and control. If someone actually ends 455 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:13,639 Speaker 1: up getting more possessive, more controlling, and more obsessive after 456 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:16,840 Speaker 1: you leave, that's a sign of that someone's ego is 457 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:18,840 Speaker 1: coming out and it's definitely not a sign of love, 458 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:20,920 Speaker 1: because if they're not able to give you the love 459 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,119 Speaker 1: that you deserve while you're with them, why would you 460 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:28,000 Speaker 1: waste all your energy wishing for crumbs of validation when 461 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,919 Speaker 1: they couldn't even hold your heart when they had it 462 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:33,679 Speaker 1: in the first place. So wish and pray instead, not 463 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:37,439 Speaker 1: that that person is hurting or that they're missing you, 464 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,920 Speaker 1: but wish and pray instead for peace and for clarity, 465 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,600 Speaker 1: for someone who just won't be sad without you and 466 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,399 Speaker 1: realize when it's too late, but for someone who appreciates 467 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,920 Speaker 1: your presence and when you are actually there, and you know, 468 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,000 Speaker 1: when you see your friend hurt that much, what you 469 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:55,680 Speaker 1: really want them to feel is I really did want 470 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:58,000 Speaker 1: her to know that she can't attract so much better 471 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,600 Speaker 1: in life. So we started this thing where she would 472 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,359 Speaker 1: just say hey to a guy if she thought he 473 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:07,240 Speaker 1: was cute, make conversation maybe on a dating app with 474 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,200 Speaker 1: a person that you usually would say no to, because 475 00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:13,240 Speaker 1: if your type hasn't served you well so far, it's 476 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,480 Speaker 1: useful to try and speak to people that maybe you 477 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,800 Speaker 1: would have expected to say yes, to give someone a 478 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:21,159 Speaker 1: chance that you wouldn't normally give a chance to, you know. 479 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,160 Speaker 1: And a couple of weeks in she started saying, I'm 480 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:28,640 Speaker 1: so tired. I just it's fun, but it's also really tiring, 481 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,639 Speaker 1: and I feel really drained. And you know what we 482 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:35,679 Speaker 1: don't talk about enough how draining casual flirting can be. 483 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:39,480 Speaker 1: It seems really harmless at first, and it feels fun 484 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:44,119 Speaker 1: and light and flirty and exciting, but honestly, it is 485 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,040 Speaker 1: energy draining. If you're sprinkling your energy all over the 486 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:51,399 Speaker 1: place with nothing actually grounding you, every conversation can become 487 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,639 Speaker 1: like a little tiny leak in your own power, in 488 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,320 Speaker 1: your own energy, and you're already going through this energy 489 00:25:56,359 --> 00:25:59,360 Speaker 1: of you're already draining energy in heartbreak, and then you're 490 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,600 Speaker 1: kind of what energy you do have left instead of 491 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,760 Speaker 1: pouring it back into yourself, sprinkling it out there to 492 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,560 Speaker 1: other people who you haven't really got much meaning to 493 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,600 Speaker 1: or aren't really pouring much back into you, and so 494 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:13,119 Speaker 1: it can actually make you feel a little bit more anxious. 495 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,040 Speaker 1: You're constantly thinking about what to reply, whether they're going 496 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,560 Speaker 1: to reply, if they mean what they say, and over time, 497 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,080 Speaker 1: all that little energy that you're expending, it adds up. 498 00:26:23,359 --> 00:26:24,959 Speaker 1: And so as much as I did want that for 499 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,600 Speaker 1: her in the beginning, and I thought it was a 500 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:29,520 Speaker 1: good idea for her to feel and know that she 501 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,600 Speaker 1: is so beautiful and that she is wanted by other 502 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:38,880 Speaker 1: people and so deserving of attention and adoration, I actually 503 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,800 Speaker 1: think it wasn't the best advice. And the ideal situation 504 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:48,080 Speaker 1: is solitude to actually heal, to conserve energy and utilize 505 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,879 Speaker 1: that energy in this healing process rather than spreading it 506 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:55,560 Speaker 1: to other people. And even though that feels like the 507 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,240 Speaker 1: most difficult option, solitude is probably the last thing you 508 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,399 Speaker 1: want in this time. I think long term that it 509 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,600 Speaker 1: is definitely the best way to start a breakup journey. 510 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,600 Speaker 1: And Jay has his book Eight Rules of Love, and 511 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,040 Speaker 1: I think the first chapter actually talks about solitude and 512 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:11,960 Speaker 1: how important it is even if you're not getting through 513 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:15,720 Speaker 1: a breakup, but even if you are just connecting trying 514 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:20,000 Speaker 1: to have a deeper relationship with your partner, having these 515 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:24,040 Speaker 1: moments of solitude are so important to recalibrate, to understand 516 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:25,920 Speaker 1: what it is you truly want to make the right 517 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,919 Speaker 1: decisions in your relationship or before you get into one, 518 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:31,679 Speaker 1: and not just for you, but for the person you 519 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:34,320 Speaker 1: will be with next. Why would you want to carry 520 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,199 Speaker 1: broken parts of yourself into the next encounter that you have? 521 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:39,760 Speaker 1: And look, you're always going to have little parts of 522 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:42,600 Speaker 1: your breakups or your past relationships that you carry with you. 523 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:45,119 Speaker 1: I think that's just part of life. But the cleaner 524 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,119 Speaker 1: you go into your next relationship, the more chance of 525 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,840 Speaker 1: success that it will have. And don't you want to 526 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:53,720 Speaker 1: be the most epic version of yourself when you meet 527 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,360 Speaker 1: that person. Really, what you probably need is a little 528 00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:59,320 Speaker 1: bit of self love and some girl time and listen, 529 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:01,560 Speaker 1: love can come from so many different places. It doesn't 530 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:04,480 Speaker 1: have to be a romantic love. Sometimes, when you have 531 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,800 Speaker 1: your heart broken, what you probably need is a cuddle 532 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:10,400 Speaker 1: from your mum or friends that you laugh with and 533 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:13,480 Speaker 1: filling yourself up in a different way, because right now 534 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:15,840 Speaker 1: that place is going through trauma and it doesn't need 535 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,400 Speaker 1: to be filled right now. It just needs to be empty, 536 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,800 Speaker 1: and slowly it will be refueled. But when you can't 537 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,480 Speaker 1: mend that area of your life where you're not able 538 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:27,280 Speaker 1: to fulfill that part, focus on other areas of your 539 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,520 Speaker 1: life and help to strengthen those areas and feel good 540 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,879 Speaker 1: in those areas of your life, whether it's friendships or 541 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:38,120 Speaker 1: family relationships or your relationship with yourself, and naturally that 542 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,440 Speaker 1: will help you feel better. Maybe not in the romantic 543 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,040 Speaker 1: part of your life, but it will still make you 544 00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:45,280 Speaker 1: feel better in some way. So if you're in that 545 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,960 Speaker 1: raw space right now, wondering if it gets better, wondering 546 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,440 Speaker 1: if you're ever stop checking your phone or feeling that ache. 547 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:54,719 Speaker 1: I just really want you to know that you are 548 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,960 Speaker 1: definitely not broken. You are in a transitional phase right now, 549 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:01,320 Speaker 1: and what comes next isn't just from someone else. It 550 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:03,600 Speaker 1: is a deep return to yourself, which is what you 551 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:06,520 Speaker 1: really need in this time, and that is honestly the 552 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:09,000 Speaker 1: love that's going to carry you through, not just this time, 553 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:12,240 Speaker 1: but carry you through into a relationship that is worthy 554 00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:15,720 Speaker 1: of you being in. And if you're still crying over him, 555 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,440 Speaker 1: or still checking his page, or still wondering if he 556 00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:22,080 Speaker 1: misses you, that's also okay. But just know this that 557 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:25,760 Speaker 1: you actually are a prize and their prize, and you 558 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:28,640 Speaker 1: are a person that someone else is praying for. And 559 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:31,480 Speaker 1: so don't worry about the person that's not crying over you. 560 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:35,240 Speaker 1: Worry about the person that is praying for you. And 561 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:37,800 Speaker 1: the more that you stop pouring energy and thoughts into 562 00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:40,480 Speaker 1: people who can't hold you, the more that you will 563 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,280 Speaker 1: start attracting the ones who can. You do not need 564 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:45,560 Speaker 1: someone to be obsessed with you. Do You deserve someone 565 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:50,360 Speaker 1: who's intentional with you. And so take your time, breathe, cry, 566 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:53,600 Speaker 1: laugh with your best friends, and it's time to relearn 567 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:57,240 Speaker 1: your own worth before you even jump into another relationship. 568 00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:58,760 Speaker 1: I heard this quote and I thought it was really 569 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:01,360 Speaker 1: relevant for this. Do you not heal by going back? 570 00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:04,880 Speaker 1: You heal by moving forward with more wisdom, more softness, 571 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:07,680 Speaker 1: and a deeper sense of self worth. So I really 572 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,160 Speaker 1: hope if you didn't have a friend that you could 573 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,040 Speaker 1: turn to during this time, I hope that this episode 574 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:16,120 Speaker 1: felt like a friend that you could talk to and 575 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:19,720 Speaker 1: turn to and relate to. And I'm sending you so 576 00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:22,560 Speaker 1: much love through this difficult time because I know it's 577 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:26,200 Speaker 1: painful and horrible, but just know that we are here 578 00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:30,080 Speaker 1: for you. And if you are going through it and 579 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:33,600 Speaker 1: you want to send a little message, we're on the 580 00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:36,400 Speaker 1: comment section here. I'm sure that there is a huge 581 00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:38,720 Speaker 1: community of people who are going through the same thing 582 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:41,040 Speaker 1: just as you are, which is exactly what a really 583 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:43,440 Speaker 1: good CRI is for. So sending you so much love 584 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:51,160 Speaker 1: and I will see you next week.