WEBVTT - Mom Shaming: The New Epidemic 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:02.720 Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.720 --> 0:00:06.080 Red Table Pop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:06.080 --> 0:00:10.280 Facebook watch show in audio, produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:13.360 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.640 --> 0:00:17.119 on Apple podcasts on this Red Table tone. I have 0:00:17.320 --> 0:00:23.480 had my fair share of mom's shaming. I felt like 0:00:23.600 --> 0:00:26.439 me and Jaden were shunned, like they're too different, they're 0:00:26.440 --> 0:00:30.120 too weird. These people are talking about your children that 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:33.960 they don't even know. I've definitely been shamed a lot. 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:36.919 Mommy shamers are just me and girls who grew up 0:00:36.960 --> 0:00:40.240 to be mothers. Every one of us has mom shamed. 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:43.280 Let's own it. More Black mothers are shamed than any 0:00:43.360 --> 0:00:46.440 other group I've heard. Are all those kids yours? That's 0:00:46.440 --> 0:00:51.800 an insult. Because of the pandemic, two thirds of mommy's 0:00:51.920 --> 0:00:54.760 are getting mommy shames. What kind of person are you? 0:00:55.000 --> 0:01:01.360 That's child abuse? What it hurts, man, It really really hurts. 0:01:07.560 --> 0:01:11.440 There's this headline from the New York Times about mom 0:01:11.520 --> 0:01:15.960 shaming just running wild during the pandemic. Over the years, 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:21.480 I have had my fair share of mom shaming. Okay 0:01:22.000 --> 0:01:24.800 with Willow, Like I think the first time I got 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:29.800 hardcore criticism when you first cut your hair, I mean 0:01:30.240 --> 0:01:35.720 there was a firestorm. It honestly makes me like go 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:40.360 like this because it's fun. It was a constant, constant, 0:01:40.600 --> 0:01:44.080 and even how you decided to educate us. You had 0:01:44.120 --> 0:01:47.960 two parents that worked, So I get shamed for homeschooling 0:01:48.000 --> 0:01:49.680 you so that you can be with us, and I 0:01:49.720 --> 0:01:52.440 would have gotten shame for leaving you here and you 0:01:52.600 --> 0:01:56.720 not being with not being with you. Yeah, so you 0:01:56.800 --> 0:01:59.880 can win. I think people shaming me from my mother 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:04.400 effected you far more than because you were dressed there 0:02:04.440 --> 0:02:08.799 for a moment. But I also felt like these people 0:02:08.840 --> 0:02:13.000 are talking about your children that they don't even know, 0:02:14.000 --> 0:02:17.120 making you guys out to be these brats, Hollywood brats. 0:02:17.160 --> 0:02:19.720 You were never that. Ever. The thing that I had 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:24.799 to consider is that they weren't raised typically, and I 0:02:24.919 --> 0:02:29.360 think especially for our community, it was something new. Yeah, 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:34.000 definitely death, specifically with the African American community. I kind 0:02:34.040 --> 0:02:36.640 of felt like me and Jaden were like shunned a 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:39.519 little bit, like no, like they were not going to 0:02:39.600 --> 0:02:41.480 take We're not going to take pride in them because 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:45.520 they don't. They're too different, they're too even some of 0:02:45.520 --> 0:02:49.960 our family members, I would feel they thought you're too different. 0:02:50.360 --> 0:02:53.880 We do have a way within the community that we 0:02:53.960 --> 0:02:56.840 expect our kids to be raised, like how you behave 0:02:57.720 --> 0:03:01.360 you know, how you carry yourself. But there are different 0:03:01.360 --> 0:03:04.679 ways that can be successful. It was difficult for me 0:03:04.840 --> 0:03:09.280 to even let go and give you, guys, I know, 0:03:09.400 --> 0:03:12.920 over your own children. Yeah, don't let them go off rails. 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:16.280 Get these folks in order because of kids running around 0:03:16.440 --> 0:03:19.120 over there. They're going to bed whenever they feel like 0:03:19.160 --> 0:03:21.080 they're going to bed. No, no, no no. When I 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:25.680 was I knew whenever Gammy was around, it ain't no joke. 0:03:26.400 --> 0:03:29.720 We ain't doing that. But I feel like it don't matter. 0:03:30.040 --> 0:03:32.480 You're gonna do. You're gonna do what she says. Okay, 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:34.640 you got some in a new school when you got 0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:38.200 the old school. Old school was solid. Totally. Yeah. Did 0:03:38.240 --> 0:03:44.400 people shame me through you one one hundred percent. Like 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:47.280 I would be at places or at events and like 0:03:47.440 --> 0:03:49.960 people would say things and they would be like your 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:53.200 mom like like exactly. It was always like, oh, like, 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:55.480 it's not your fault. Your mother should have taught you better, 0:03:55.760 --> 0:03:58.520 Like it's not it's not your fault that you're crazy. 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:02.520 Your mother should have because that was your mother's crazy. Yeah, 0:04:03.480 --> 0:04:05.840 why is it always your mother? Your mother should have 0:04:06.400 --> 0:04:09.080 But at the same time, though, there's different ways that 0:04:09.120 --> 0:04:12.080 the shaming happens, because I feel like you experienced it 0:04:12.200 --> 0:04:16.080 more through the media and through like the world looking 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:18.120 at you and saying we don't think this is right. 0:04:18.360 --> 0:04:21.320 But some moms experience it like, you know, the p 0:04:21.440 --> 0:04:23.920 t A meetings and the dropping off their kids to 0:04:24.040 --> 0:04:26.760 school and the cupcakes weren't right, and you're not wearing 0:04:26.800 --> 0:04:29.479 makeup and why is your kid not wearing pjs on 0:04:29.520 --> 0:04:33.279 PJ Day? And right, I feel like that's more difficult. Yeah, 0:04:33.400 --> 0:04:35.599 well we have a really this is a woman that 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:38.280 I really admire, and when she gave birth to her 0:04:38.440 --> 0:04:43.839 first baby eight months ago, the mom shameless came for her. 0:04:46.800 --> 0:04:50.760 Supermodel Ashley Graham has been unconventional her whole life, from 0:04:50.760 --> 0:04:54.919 her first big break a controversial lingerie commercial it's something 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:58.000 about having a waist and hips that scares these advertisers 0:04:58.000 --> 0:05:00.320 to become in the first Curby model to in the 0:05:00.360 --> 0:05:05.880 cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. She's been unconventional 0:05:05.880 --> 0:05:09.159 in her marriage, her baby shower, and in the birth 0:05:09.160 --> 0:05:13.160 of her son Isaac. Opting for a home delivery in water. 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:17.360 Ashley is a huge inspiration to millions, but being so 0:05:17.480 --> 0:05:21.120 outspoken sometimes has made her the target of mom shamers. 0:05:21.720 --> 0:05:24.880 Whether she's in a car pumping or in a store 0:05:25.000 --> 0:05:30.120 making emergency diaper change, thousands of hurtful mom shaming comments 0:05:30.160 --> 0:05:37.160 appear nearly every post she makes. Actually, what is up 0:05:37.960 --> 0:05:40.599 you guys? Thank you so much for having me. This 0:05:40.640 --> 0:05:44.359 is so exciting. You're glowing. I know you have felt 0:05:44.400 --> 0:05:47.760 the wrath of the mommy shaming police. You know it's 0:05:47.800 --> 0:05:51.680 interesting because my whole career has been based around body shaming, 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:55.840 because I am a curby girl who has come into 0:05:55.920 --> 0:05:59.240 a skinny world and said that my body and other 0:05:59.279 --> 0:06:02.240 bodies like myne you to be normalized. I knew that 0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:04.520 it was coming, and I was ready to combat it. 0:06:04.560 --> 0:06:08.080 But it never feels good to have someone tell you 0:06:08.120 --> 0:06:10.600 that you're not doing a good enough job, that you're 0:06:10.600 --> 0:06:14.000 doing something wrong. I can sit here and tell you that, oh, 0:06:14.080 --> 0:06:16.320 I just brush it off, But I don't brush it off. 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:18.960 I think if you allow the comments to get to you, 0:06:19.200 --> 0:06:22.880 they can. So this photo this is the first time 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:26.080 I had taken Isaac out in public, and he was 0:06:26.160 --> 0:06:27.800 just under a month old and I wanted to go 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:30.480 to my favorite brunch spot, and I thought, oh my gosh, 0:06:30.480 --> 0:06:32.000 what am I going to do? I have to breastfeed. Well, 0:06:32.000 --> 0:06:33.960 I'm just going to whip out my boob and feed him. 0:06:34.120 --> 0:06:36.880 So then I thought, justin to my husband take a picture. 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:39.080 This is my first time breastfeeding him in public. This 0:06:39.160 --> 0:06:43.360 is something I always want to remember. I agonized over 0:06:43.440 --> 0:06:45.120 what I was going to say, and then I just 0:06:45.200 --> 0:06:47.800 finally just wrote something like two emojis like a milk 0:06:47.839 --> 0:06:50.200 and a cookie. Sure enough, I got mom shamed. I 0:06:50.200 --> 0:06:55.120 can only imagine Ashley. When I saw the picture. Inside 0:06:55.200 --> 0:06:58.200 my heart, I had to clap because I remember me 0:06:58.360 --> 0:07:02.440 myself when I would be out with Aiden and Willow breastfeeding. 0:07:02.520 --> 0:07:05.239 Remember I used to have like that little breast seed 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:07.520 cover and it would make it so difficult. They're in there, 0:07:07.560 --> 0:07:12.880 They're suffocated. I can't see you. I had so much 0:07:12.960 --> 0:07:17.040 anxiety about it because back when I had them, breastfeeding 0:07:17.360 --> 0:07:21.920 was like what, like, what are you doing? You know 0:07:21.960 --> 0:07:26.760 what's crazy? I feel like the reason why it's so 0:07:26.840 --> 0:07:30.480 jarring for people is because we're taught from such a 0:07:30.560 --> 0:07:33.440 young age that our bodies are meant to be sexualized. 0:07:33.480 --> 0:07:35.640 Where you bring up a great point, because my whole 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:38.840 career is based off of being sexy, and my breasts 0:07:38.840 --> 0:07:42.600 have been the forefront of many magazine covers. So then 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:46.120 to flip to my baby is they're sucking on them. 0:07:46.160 --> 0:07:48.640 I think that people just had to like switch their minds. 0:07:48.680 --> 0:07:53.360 But they are multi purposeful like and I think there's 0:07:53.440 --> 0:07:56.960 so many new mommies out there who are agonizing over 0:07:57.080 --> 0:07:59.960 what they should and shouldn't be doing. Jada, You've felt 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:03.400 to immensely, So what are some of the tools that 0:08:03.480 --> 0:08:06.200 you've used in order to combat so much of that 0:08:06.360 --> 0:08:10.440 feeling of anxiousness and anxiety around mommy shaming For me 0:08:11.160 --> 0:08:14.840 looking at how my children were being affected, That's what counts. 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:18.000 When people are like, oh my god, I can't believe 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:21.440 you shaved Willow's head, if they could have seen this 0:08:21.720 --> 0:08:26.080 child's expression of freedom, looking at her hair falling to 0:08:26.200 --> 0:08:29.800 the ground. So me, as a mom looking at that, 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:34.400 experiencing that with her, there is nothing that anyone could 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:36.600 say to me to tell me that it was wrong 0:08:37.440 --> 0:08:41.160 that cleared on person. Because I was there, I was 0:08:41.280 --> 0:08:44.200 looking at her, I saw her face. I knew the 0:08:44.280 --> 0:08:46.680 journey that she and I took together to get to 0:08:46.760 --> 0:08:50.120 that point, and so it didn't really matter when anybody said. 0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:53.600 And that was such a powerfulness, Ashley. Have you ever 0:08:53.679 --> 0:08:57.199 been shamed by anybody that's close to you? Oh, definitely. 0:08:57.240 --> 0:09:00.480 I've definitely been shamed by close family members. In fact, 0:09:00.520 --> 0:09:03.120 it just happened right before Isaac turned three months old, 0:09:03.160 --> 0:09:05.880 and they said, I can't believe he's not sleep trained yet. 0:09:06.000 --> 0:09:08.280 What are you doing? Why are you ruining your life? 0:09:08.960 --> 0:09:12.120 It's just keep your comments to yourself. You know what. 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:15.720 I never sleep trained. You certainly did not. I never 0:09:15.880 --> 0:09:19.280 sided I just because we were in so many different 0:09:19.280 --> 0:09:22.440 time zones all the time, you know, so if I 0:09:22.480 --> 0:09:24.800 was up, they were. But I got the same thing 0:09:24.880 --> 0:09:28.360 people like girl, What I appreciate is to have a 0:09:28.400 --> 0:09:31.560 conversation like the one we're having today. I would rather 0:09:31.640 --> 0:09:34.240 talk about what I can do to be a better mom. 0:09:34.280 --> 0:09:36.640 I don't want somebody coming at me or telling me 0:09:36.720 --> 0:09:38.760 what I need to do. I didn't know that sleep 0:09:38.800 --> 0:09:41.400 training was a thing. How do you sleep? It is 0:09:41.440 --> 0:09:45.520 a thing. I loved it, I I you know, I 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:48.560 loved having my kids up with me. Actually remember this 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:52.160 till this day. These kids they loved a mommy, you know. 0:09:54.760 --> 0:09:56.480 But I think it has a lot to do with 0:09:56.559 --> 0:10:00.840 the fact that we slept together all the time. When 0:10:00.840 --> 0:10:03.720 it comes to mom shaming, this mother of three gorgeous 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:08.280 children has seen it all. Not only is Jessica Albat 0:10:08.280 --> 0:10:11.480 an actor, she's a business mogul who runs a wildly 0:10:11.480 --> 0:10:21.240 successful baby and beauty product company. Jesssa, hey, how old 0:10:21.240 --> 0:10:24.240 are your kids? Jessica, So, I have a nine year 0:10:24.240 --> 0:10:27.440 old and a twelve year old and he is My 0:10:27.640 --> 0:10:30.800 little one is too and he's not even trying to 0:10:30.920 --> 0:10:34.800 potty train. He does not care about it. No, thank you, 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:38.320 I said, honey, you know because I make diapers that 0:10:38.360 --> 0:10:42.040 are cute with the patterns. And he's like no, no, no, nothing. 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:45.680 And I'm like, well, you know other little kids your 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:49.000 age and he was like, no, no, thank you. He 0:10:49.160 --> 0:10:52.120 likes to walk around naked. Both our boys. We we 0:10:52.200 --> 0:10:55.480 had a We had a real time potty train in them. 0:10:55.559 --> 0:10:58.480 It was very challenging, and I do remember family members 0:10:58.480 --> 0:11:03.400 being like, listen, these three. He needs to be out 0:11:03.480 --> 0:11:06.720 of diapers, you know, even and it didn't even know how. Yeah, 0:11:06.760 --> 0:11:08.480 I had to just take a weekend, had to just 0:11:08.520 --> 0:11:10.599 be like like every day. It's like you had a 0:11:10.840 --> 0:11:15.360 man doodoos by this time, have people been getting on 0:11:15.400 --> 0:11:19.000 your butt? Yes, yes, I think also because it's quarantine, 0:11:19.080 --> 0:11:21.880 so like, what a great time to potty train your kids? 0:11:22.400 --> 0:11:24.440 And I'm like, what a great time to add another 0:11:24.600 --> 0:11:28.400 freaking stress on me. Thank you, Jessica. Let's look at 0:11:28.440 --> 0:11:32.160 these photos that caused some of the mom shamers that 0:11:32.240 --> 0:11:36.280 come out. Oh yeah. One woman commented, all, mg no 0:11:37.440 --> 0:11:44.240 that bottle you should be breastfeeding. What DNSc here me go, Ashley? 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:49.160 You get shape from breastfeeding? Sha Wait no, now you 0:11:49.200 --> 0:11:51.960 have the other photo of me breastfeeding. They came for 0:11:52.040 --> 0:11:55.560 you didn't say, Oh wow, you're damned if you do. 0:11:55.679 --> 0:11:57.960 You're damned if you don't. Jessica, were you whipping it 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:01.960 out in public? Also? Yeah, definitely out when we have to. 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:05.840 I mean I fed him at Target. Also, I just 0:12:05.920 --> 0:12:08.400 needed to get out of the dang house. I was like, 0:12:09.240 --> 0:12:15.040 especially by the third one. Right, So, what would be 0:12:15.080 --> 0:12:18.200 some of your wisdom to women who want to be 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:21.400 part of the social media world. They love sharing their 0:12:21.480 --> 0:12:23.520 kids because on the on the one hand, you would 0:12:23.559 --> 0:12:26.160 think we'll just stop posting pictures, right, but it's like 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:28.880 it's such a part of culture. Now. This is what 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:31.120 I always have to say mommy shamers are just mean 0:12:31.200 --> 0:12:36.440 girls who grew up to be mothers. True. I've had 0:12:36.480 --> 0:12:38.680 to do a lot of therapy, and certainly now that 0:12:38.760 --> 0:12:43.160 i'm I'm almost forty, I've come to this place where 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:47.600 I realized that most people who have something to say, 0:12:47.760 --> 0:12:51.200 it's because they're so insecure, and it's more of like 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:57.080 them being ashamed of themselves, them being overly critical, and 0:12:57.559 --> 0:13:01.400 for whatever reason, the natural reaction instant call other people 0:13:01.440 --> 0:13:05.359 apart for them to feel justified, for them to feel okay. 0:13:05.800 --> 0:13:08.200 You know, I know this other picture of you and 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:13.840 your family cause some heat. That's just absolutely ludicrous that 0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:18.280 we're living in a day and age where health is politicized. 0:13:18.320 --> 0:13:22.000 Like my, my mind is blown. The comment was, what 0:13:22.160 --> 0:13:25.120 kind of person are you doing such an unhealthy thing 0:13:25.160 --> 0:13:29.200 to your child? That's child abuse. That's well, there you go, 0:13:29.320 --> 0:13:35.439 you're an ass. Moving on, one of our RTT favorites, 0:13:35.600 --> 0:13:38.360 Dr Romney is here to break this all down for us. 0:13:38.400 --> 0:13:42.560 She also has experienced mom shaming herself, and she's going 0:13:42.600 --> 0:13:47.000 to talk to us about why this occurs. This one's personal. 0:13:47.080 --> 0:13:49.600 I mean, having been there, it happens to my friends, 0:13:49.880 --> 0:13:53.360 to my patients. So many people I've known, and it's devastating. 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:56.200 How have you personally been shamed? I watched my own mom, 0:13:56.200 --> 0:13:59.079 b Shane. I'm the child of immigrant parents. My mom 0:13:59.120 --> 0:14:01.360 would wear a star. You we already looked so foreign. 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:03.320 So I watched that happen to my mom, so I 0:14:03.360 --> 0:14:06.000 was acutely aware of it. And my younger daughter, she's 0:14:06.000 --> 0:14:09.120 a bit of a pistol. She's just fierce. And I 0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:11.680 will never forget the day because I was working full 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:14.600 time when when my girls were young, and I remember 0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:18.000 going to the school and she had been acting up 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:21.680 a little bit, and another mother at the school takes 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:24.240 me aside and says, you know why she's such a 0:14:24.280 --> 0:14:26.880 handful because you neglect her and you're never around. She 0:14:26.920 --> 0:14:29.640 sees all the other mothers here serving lunch and you're 0:14:29.680 --> 0:14:31.960 never here. Nice of you to show up. I was 0:14:32.000 --> 0:14:35.560 almost but I was like, no, not in front of 0:14:35.560 --> 0:14:40.040 the kids, but I was devastated. I went to the restroom. 0:14:40.080 --> 0:14:43.160 I was crying because she played on my own insecurity. 0:14:43.320 --> 0:14:45.680 I wasn't there all the time. I wasn't. But you 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:49.040 have a career and you're a working woman and you provide. 0:14:49.080 --> 0:14:53.560 But it's still hard because Ashley Jessica, all of us 0:14:53.720 --> 0:14:55.960 you're being judged on your mom nows and the mom 0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:58.680 part feels primal, you know, like I can't get that 0:14:58.720 --> 0:15:00.760 one wrong. I could get professed so wrong, I could 0:15:00.760 --> 0:15:04.960 get psychologists wrong. I can't get mom wrong because it's primal. 0:15:06.120 --> 0:15:08.720 I remember my daughter said to me, why are you 0:15:08.760 --> 0:15:11.880 the only mommy that can't be here for all the 0:15:11.960 --> 0:15:16.320 special events? And she was like four years old, and 0:15:16.400 --> 0:15:20.440 I same thing. I fell apart. It hurts, man, it 0:15:20.640 --> 0:15:24.600 really really hurts. It's so weird that we feel like 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:30.560 we have to choose between our professional ambitions and our 0:15:30.920 --> 0:15:34.520 desire to have a personal life and to have a family. 0:15:34.920 --> 0:15:38.720 It's not fair. And I feel like super working mothers 0:15:39.960 --> 0:15:42.800 they may feel like they don't know their children that 0:15:42.880 --> 0:15:45.680 well because they're not there. I agree, so they feel 0:15:45.680 --> 0:15:50.120 like they need some input, they need some invite and guidance. 0:15:50.240 --> 0:15:53.240 But don't you think nothing could be farther from the truth, right, 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:58.240 I mean, you worked, I worked, Jessica works, Ashley's worked. 0:15:58.280 --> 0:16:01.240 I mean the fact is you know your child. I 0:16:01.280 --> 0:16:05.000 am a true believer in this mystical connection you've got 0:16:05.000 --> 0:16:06.520 with your child. I don't think being out of the 0:16:06.520 --> 0:16:11.240 house affects that boom. I just want everybody to know 0:16:11.360 --> 0:16:13.800 I got shamed for being a working mom and keeping 0:16:13.800 --> 0:16:17.280 my kids with me. I did for homeschooling them so 0:16:17.320 --> 0:16:19.400 that they could actually travel with me. I had my 0:16:19.480 --> 0:16:25.040 mother come with me, and I got the business for 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:27.720 school to the kids so that they could actually be 0:16:27.880 --> 0:16:30.960 with me. So you know, once again, you can't win. 0:16:31.960 --> 0:16:34.960 Every one of us has mom shamed. Let's I've done it, 0:16:35.040 --> 0:16:38.840 You've done all done. Okay, maybe I've judged someone who 0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:41.280 doesn't work out of the house exactly. The fact is 0:16:41.320 --> 0:16:43.760 we've got to stop, and we've got to pay attention 0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:46.840 and look at every mother through a lens of compassion. 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:51.640 Is there any such thing as like healthy criticism, you know, 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:55.680 constructive criticism around mother You know what, I call it 0:16:55.840 --> 0:17:00.520 empathic feedback. If you see a mother struggling, go up 0:17:00.520 --> 0:17:01.880 to them. You know what, the first thing you say 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:03.800 to them, is there anything I can do to help? 0:17:03.800 --> 0:17:05.680 How can I help? You want to talk? And if 0:17:05.680 --> 0:17:09.439 you set a comfortable tone, people will talk and they 0:17:09.480 --> 0:17:11.280 might say, you know, we are struggling a little bit. 0:17:11.359 --> 0:17:15.040 And then you set the pace to actually allow someone 0:17:15.080 --> 0:17:17.040 to open up and not feel like they're going to 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:19.400 be attacked. But I think mothers are terrified right now. 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:22.440 They put even a comment on social media and say, 0:17:22.440 --> 0:17:25.320 can anyone help me out? I'm struggling with da dada boom. 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:27.040 The people are going to get in there and say, well, 0:17:27.080 --> 0:17:30.080 you're doing this wrong. But that's the insecurity and now 0:17:30.080 --> 0:17:35.439 we're in a pandemic. So the insecurity paired with the uncertainty, 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:39.360 it is such a volatile combination because everyone's insecure now, 0:17:39.560 --> 0:17:43.040 and when people are insecured, they lash out. Never before 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:45.119 can I say as a psychologist that I've seen that 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:50.000 the entire population is insecure because everything so uncertain, and 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:52.320 moms are getting the worst of it. Yes, I do 0:17:52.480 --> 0:17:58.399 feel really isolated and things do feel magnified, and I 0:17:58.440 --> 0:18:01.040 just think that it's because everybody is that home on 0:18:01.080 --> 0:18:05.400 their phones, just feeling like everybody else needs some advice 0:18:05.480 --> 0:18:07.719 from them about how to be a better mother. And 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:11.320 it's not just mom shaming moms. It's stranger shaming moms. 0:18:11.320 --> 0:18:15.359 It's pediatricians shaming mom is, teachers, you name it. Even 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:17.639 my damn ob he told me, he was like, you know, 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:19.720 you really shouldn't be I'm gaining more than the twenty 0:18:19.760 --> 0:18:22.119 five pounds, you know, for your entire pregnancy, And I 0:18:22.160 --> 0:18:23.960 was like, I kind of gained that in my first 0:18:24.000 --> 0:18:27.719 trime master with all three. So that's life, that's me. 0:18:28.080 --> 0:18:31.679 That's the way my body carries these babies. Yeah, the 0:18:31.840 --> 0:18:35.840 shame just like continue, Ashley, you said you had a 0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:39.280 question for the doctor. Oh I do. Okay, So this 0:18:39.320 --> 0:18:42.240 isn't really around mommy shaming, but I'm sure I'm going 0:18:42.280 --> 0:18:44.600 to get mom shamed for asking it. So now that 0:18:44.640 --> 0:18:47.280 I have Isaac sleep trained, I put him down at 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:51.000 eight and I go to sleep. But usually in the 0:18:51.080 --> 0:18:54.240 hours between twelve thirty and about four o'clock in the morning, 0:18:54.640 --> 0:18:57.160 I have what my husband is calling these night terrors. 0:18:57.640 --> 0:19:01.320 And in my sleep, I am hun ting for my child, 0:19:01.480 --> 0:19:04.119 and I'm like, where is Isaac? Where is he? And 0:19:04.160 --> 0:19:07.320 I'm looking under the bed, I'm flipping my husband upside down, 0:19:07.359 --> 0:19:09.680 I'm turning on the lights. That it's happening almost every 0:19:09.680 --> 0:19:14.040 single night. What is that? Oh? Actually, it's actually I'm 0:19:14.040 --> 0:19:16.440 gonna tell you, it's so beautiful to hear you say this, 0:19:17.000 --> 0:19:19.480 because it's your body doing exactly what your body is 0:19:19.520 --> 0:19:21.800 supposed to do. And so here you are in that 0:19:21.920 --> 0:19:23.840 first year, maybe in the first two years you have 0:19:23.880 --> 0:19:27.240 a baby, your cortisol levels are higher. For new moms. 0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:30.919 It makes them more alert, especially in the middle of 0:19:30.920 --> 0:19:33.919 the night. So your cortisol is that the middle of 0:19:33.920 --> 0:19:35.719 the night, where is he? Where is it? Great? I'm 0:19:35.760 --> 0:19:37.960 going to go back to sleep. But new moms don't 0:19:37.960 --> 0:19:40.560 sleep through the night because that is a built in 0:19:40.760 --> 0:19:45.560 biological alertness. It's your body being absolutely beautiful. It's really 0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:48.480 nice to know that I'm not alone and I'm normal, 0:19:48.560 --> 0:19:50.919 because I really thought there was something chemically wrong with me. 0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:54.439 Not in fact, there is something that's chemically changed in you, 0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:57.359 and it's chemically right. My kids are grown and I 0:19:57.400 --> 0:20:06.520 still have where all spaces. Alright, girl, alright, I wake 0:20:06.680 --> 0:20:11.520 up is like thirty seconds to one minute before my 0:20:11.680 --> 0:20:15.400 kids wake up from either a nightmare or they're going 0:20:15.440 --> 0:20:18.360 to the bathroom. And I tell Cash did you hear that? 0:20:18.640 --> 0:20:22.280 And every time he's like, there's nothing, there's it's in 0:20:22.359 --> 0:20:25.080 your head. Now I spy on them. Now I have 0:20:25.200 --> 0:20:27.600 cameras in all their rooms, so I actually can really 0:20:27.880 --> 0:20:31.280 was that noise actually justify what the heck is going on? 0:20:31.840 --> 0:20:35.000 But I really thought I was losing it until I 0:20:35.000 --> 0:20:37.399 started surveilling them. Are you ever going to take the 0:20:37.400 --> 0:20:39.800 cameras out of their room. Honor was like, Mom, you 0:20:39.840 --> 0:20:42.160 know I'm twelve now, like, don't you think it's awkward? 0:20:42.800 --> 0:20:45.480 And I'm like, well, you shouldn't be doing anything. You 0:20:45.520 --> 0:20:47.439 know in your bedroom. You have a whole closet to 0:20:47.520 --> 0:20:50.359 dress in, and you have your bathroom for your private time, 0:20:50.720 --> 0:20:52.639 and so what are you doing in your room? What 0:20:52.680 --> 0:20:55.280 you think You're gonna sneak somebody in? Somehow I'm still 0:20:55.320 --> 0:20:56.960 getting away with it, but I think this might be 0:20:57.000 --> 0:20:59.920 the last year, all right? Our t T family send 0:21:00.000 --> 0:21:04.919 in some questions. So many moms in our RTT family 0:21:04.960 --> 0:21:08.160 wanted to share their mom shaming situations and get some advice. 0:21:09.000 --> 0:21:13.520 This is joy live in Richmond, Virginia. My son loves 0:21:13.560 --> 0:21:17.840 to wear his hair naturally in free form dreadlocks. My 0:21:17.920 --> 0:21:21.760 black friends, however, will mention things like, girl, what you're 0:21:21.760 --> 0:21:25.479 gonna get his hair done? It makes me feel like 0:21:25.640 --> 0:21:28.720 I'm literally not living up to the standards as a 0:21:28.720 --> 0:21:33.080 black mom. How do I let my friends know that 0:21:33.280 --> 0:21:36.320 telling me what to do with my son's hair is 0:21:36.359 --> 0:21:41.040 actually a form of mom shaming. This black hair situation 0:21:41.280 --> 0:21:43.880 is real. I mean, it's a problem. When we talk 0:21:43.920 --> 0:21:47.600 about Blue Ivy, Beyonce's child and how she's been shamed 0:21:47.640 --> 0:21:50.600 for her natural hair. When we talk about gabs daughter 0:21:50.920 --> 0:21:55.400 who's been shamed for her natural hair, Willow, Yes, air 0:21:55.520 --> 0:21:58.359 is a button for us. Every single Black woman that 0:21:58.480 --> 0:22:02.800 I know has an a wound somewhere in their childhood 0:22:03.320 --> 0:22:07.800 about their hair and about what someone said about their hair. Absolutely, 0:22:07.840 --> 0:22:12.000 this reflects an insecurity that was foisted onto the Black 0:22:12.040 --> 0:22:16.840 community by an existing system of oppression. She has to 0:22:16.920 --> 0:22:20.040 sort of channel that inner leader and say, we have 0:22:20.240 --> 0:22:24.520 got to as black mothers, stop destroying each other. And 0:22:24.560 --> 0:22:27.600 when you're talking about my son's hair, you're actually, this 0:22:27.640 --> 0:22:29.600 is a bigger problem with our community. Would you like 0:22:29.680 --> 0:22:33.720 to have that conversation with ladies? Yes? Yes, and we 0:22:33.760 --> 0:22:37.080 should talk about that. And that's what I love you. 0:22:40.240 --> 0:22:43.440 It's like, and it's a worthy conversation had because if 0:22:43.480 --> 0:22:46.520 that is your group of friends, it's like, let's really 0:22:46.520 --> 0:22:49.280 get to the bottom of this why my son's hair 0:22:49.400 --> 0:22:52.160 triggers you, and let me explain to you why it's 0:22:52.200 --> 0:22:54.680 important for me to allow him to have the hair 0:22:54.720 --> 0:22:57.280 that he wants, and just to have a conversation with 0:22:57.359 --> 0:22:59.560 your group of friends, and I bet you it'll get 0:22:59.560 --> 0:23:02.280 smoothed outcause when we get to the real and you 0:23:02.400 --> 0:23:06.399 gotta really look exactly yourself and why that triggers you, 0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:08.560 then you're gonna really think about if you need to 0:23:08.560 --> 0:23:12.159 be putting that on that young child. Yeah, and then 0:23:12.160 --> 0:23:13.960 they're gonna go on over there and have a seat. 0:23:14.400 --> 0:23:19.880 So that's question. Hello, ladies, I'm Christina from Tuskey, Alabama. 0:23:20.520 --> 0:23:23.240 I'm a past his wife and homeschooling mom of five 0:23:23.359 --> 0:23:26.880