WEBVTT - Exploring Early Childhood Development w/ Carol Provost 0:00:01.240 --> 0:00:04.280 Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shondaland Audio in 0:00:04.360 --> 0:00:09.920 partnership with iHeartRadio. What's the best preschool tip that you've given? 0:00:10.400 --> 0:00:14.840 The tip that I would give people most raising preschool 0:00:14.920 --> 0:00:19.680 kids is keep a twinkle in your heart. Keep a 0:00:19.800 --> 0:00:27.720 sense of humor. These stages will pass. They're okay, You're okay. Smile, 0:00:29.600 --> 0:00:30.240 it's okay. 0:00:31.120 --> 0:00:33.640 If that isn't a tip for life, I don't know 0:00:33.720 --> 0:00:45.599 what is. Hello, everybody, Welcome back to Katie's Crib. I 0:00:45.600 --> 0:00:47.800 have been trying to get today's guest on for a 0:00:47.960 --> 0:00:52.320 long time, and she is busy. She is just so busy, 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:57.760 going in the homes of toddlers everywhere and helping children 0:00:57.960 --> 0:01:01.520 and parents on all all sorts of things. I know 0:01:01.640 --> 0:01:06.200 her because she was Albi's toddler and me teacher, and 0:01:06.720 --> 0:01:11.040 she is literally a toddler whisperer. I have never met 0:01:11.240 --> 0:01:16.200 a woman like this who also makes mothers and fathers 0:01:16.400 --> 0:01:22.959 and caretakers and child specialists feel at ease at all times. 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:25.640 And I really think you're all going to benefit from 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:29.280 her vast amount of knowledge but also just her person. 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:34.360 Her name is Carol Provost. She's here to talk preschool 0:01:34.440 --> 0:01:37.479 nursery school transition to kindergarten tips, which I have got 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:40.880 a lot of questions about that. Carol Provost has worked 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:43.679 for over forty years as an early childhood educator, parent 0:01:43.760 --> 0:01:48.320 support expert, and child development specialist. She has advised administrators 0:01:48.360 --> 0:01:52.280 over the years in cultivating play based, developmentally appropriate curriculum 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:56.520 for preschoolers. She has also spent countless hours training preschool 0:01:56.560 --> 0:02:01.880 teachers and considers good quality early childhood education fundamental for 0:02:01.960 --> 0:02:05.760 a functional society. Carol has also provided in home support 0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:09.400 for children struggling with a variety of issues, including separation, anxiety, 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:13.679 toileting difficulties, and delayed social skills. She is currently offering 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:16.680 parental support via telephone or zoom appointment and continues to 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:18.959 offer in home support for children and their families in 0:02:19.000 --> 0:02:24.200 the San Fernando Valley. Carol, Oh, I am like literally 0:02:24.240 --> 0:02:26.600 emotional that you are here today, Welcome to Katie's crib. 0:02:31.040 --> 0:02:34.560 I am just so excited you're here. There is no 0:02:34.600 --> 0:02:38.240 one like you. You are one of a kind. I don't understand. 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:43.000 She's the person everyone listening who like the toddlers are 0:02:43.000 --> 0:02:44.880 just like fighting to sit on her. 0:02:44.840 --> 0:02:47.200 Lap and I miss that. 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:52.799 I'm sure you do. I'm so happy you're here. Thank 0:02:52.840 --> 0:02:55.880 you for taking the time. Can you first tell us 0:02:56.480 --> 0:03:00.720 how did you get into the early childhood development field. 0:03:02.240 --> 0:03:07.120 I think it started with the fraud relationship I had 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:12.040 with my own mother perfect, and I think I grew 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:16.280 up as I got older and started to think about it. 0:03:16.840 --> 0:03:21.760 I really didn't know if she really didn't have capacity 0:03:21.880 --> 0:03:25.400 and shouldn't have had children, or she didn't have help 0:03:25.440 --> 0:03:30.680 and support that might have helped. Because I was born 0:03:30.720 --> 0:03:32.000 in nineteen forty two. 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:35.880 You look great, Carol, Thank you. 0:03:36.560 --> 0:03:37.520 I'll be eighty one. 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:40.880 Oh my god, you look amazing. 0:03:41.320 --> 0:03:46.160 Thank you. But times were different then, and the advice 0:03:46.600 --> 0:03:51.280 was different then, things like feeds your child every four 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:54.920 hours and not a minute before because they have to 0:03:54.960 --> 0:03:58.840 be on a schedule. I was born a four pound 0:03:59.600 --> 0:04:06.160 baby and four hours was too long to wait, so 0:04:06.840 --> 0:04:13.560 I was upset infant, and she didn't have any skills 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:18.480 or support to handle such a thing. And that continued 0:04:18.920 --> 0:04:24.359 through my whole life. And the family's story was kind 0:04:24.400 --> 0:04:27.920 of your sister was the easy one, but my sister 0:04:28.080 --> 0:04:30.360 also has stuff. 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:32.560 It just was tough. 0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:35.720 So I always had an interest in it. When I 0:04:35.839 --> 0:04:39.400 went to school, I actually got both a bachelor's and 0:04:39.440 --> 0:04:43.600 a master's degree in theater. Then I got into child development. 0:04:43.680 --> 0:04:46.640 I kind of wasted my education, but the truth is 0:04:47.360 --> 0:04:51.280 the master's in directing made me a better nursery school 0:04:51.320 --> 0:04:55.880 teacher because I knew what a set should look. 0:04:55.839 --> 0:04:59.400 Like, and you also know how to herd cat. 0:04:59.400 --> 0:05:02.800 Right, what a room should look like. I knew what 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:06.920 the hum of kids playing, when it worked and when 0:05:06.960 --> 0:05:10.799 it didn't, what the pace was like. So it wasn't 0:05:10.839 --> 0:05:14.680 a waste and one of the first jobs, because in theater, 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:17.280 your first jobs are not in. 0:05:17.320 --> 0:05:18.680 Theater, that's for sure. 0:05:18.920 --> 0:05:23.800 And so I got a job at the Children's Centers 0:05:23.839 --> 0:05:28.960 of Los Angeles and got very interested in what they 0:05:29.000 --> 0:05:33.440 were doing from my point of view wrong. I went 0:05:33.520 --> 0:05:39.120 back and took many classes of extra education from UCLA 0:05:39.200 --> 0:05:47.160 Extension and got my child development specialist authorisation and never 0:05:47.200 --> 0:05:51.880 looked back. It became a passion to make things better 0:05:52.160 --> 0:05:53.880 for moms and kids. 0:05:54.360 --> 0:06:00.000 Carol, I'm telling you, I didn't even understand how important 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:06.000 in early childhood life and education and development, any of 0:06:06.080 --> 0:06:10.400 it really was until I started touring nursery schools. Really, 0:06:11.240 --> 0:06:13.200 people thought I was overdoing it. I think I looked 0:06:13.200 --> 0:06:17.240 at like sixteen nursery schools. But it wasn't because in 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:19.680 all honesty, because I wanted LB to get into this 0:06:19.839 --> 0:06:22.200 or that or whatever. It was mostly because I was 0:06:22.360 --> 0:06:27.919 educating myself. I didn't know what my style was. I 0:06:27.960 --> 0:06:33.480 didn't know what kind of set like you're speaking of 0:06:33.640 --> 0:06:37.760 really spoke to me and my child, which was where 0:06:37.760 --> 0:06:40.520 we crossed paths, and I feel so so lucky that 0:06:40.600 --> 0:06:44.880 we did. What do you tell moms that you're working 0:06:44.880 --> 0:06:48.160 with to do about tantrums? Let's say let's start there. 0:06:49.000 --> 0:06:53.080 Hey, I'm sure, sorry, so much fun, aren't they? They're triggering, 0:06:53.800 --> 0:06:58.160 they're difficult. First, I'm going to say to you, reframe it. 0:06:59.040 --> 0:07:01.600 Your child is in giving you a hard time. They're 0:07:01.640 --> 0:07:05.279 having a hard time. It's a very different way to 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:09.920 look at it. They're overwhelmed, their little brains are trying 0:07:09.960 --> 0:07:14.360 to do so much. They get sensory overload, they get 0:07:14.400 --> 0:07:19.120 exhausted from a day of trying to socialize, and where 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:22.920 they feel safest is at home with you, and they 0:07:23.240 --> 0:07:28.200 melt yes. And so your job as a parent or 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:32.760 a caretaker at school is to meet their chaos with 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:40.080 your calm. So that means regulate yourself. I always liked 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:46.240 I've read somewhere about the acronym stop like a stop sign, 0:07:46.680 --> 0:07:54.760 and it means stop, take a breath, observe, and then proceed. 0:07:56.440 --> 0:08:01.080 Oh my, by the way, this works with adult Yes, 0:08:01.680 --> 0:08:05.640 yes it does. I think when you realize what is superpower, 0:08:05.720 --> 0:08:09.480 it is. Look, I think mom's listening. I try very 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:12.040 hard to meet a tantrum. I always think of, Okay, 0:08:13.280 --> 0:08:16.640 if I yawn, he's gonna yawn, right if he yawns 0:08:16.640 --> 0:08:19.520 ee yon. So if he's freaking out, then I'm going 0:08:19.560 --> 0:08:22.320 to freak out and escalates his freak out, which escalates 0:08:22.360 --> 0:08:25.000 my freak out. And I've had enough tantrums to know 0:08:25.120 --> 0:08:29.160 if I can just stay as regulated as possible for me, 0:08:29.240 --> 0:08:31.880 what I've noticed is it lessens the time of the 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:36.120 whole ordeal. Look, I'm not perfect. There have totally been 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:38.840 times where it's also felt wildly good to just lose 0:08:38.880 --> 0:08:42.200 my collective shit for a second. But and then I 0:08:42.240 --> 0:08:46.000 apologize because I really don't want to meet his tantrum, 0:08:46.640 --> 0:08:48.440 like I am an irrational thinking adult. 0:08:49.480 --> 0:08:52.600 But what you just said is very important. There's always 0:08:52.760 --> 0:08:56.360 room for repair. Your child is always going to wake 0:08:56.440 --> 0:08:59.280 up the next morning totally in love with you and 0:08:59.400 --> 0:09:04.280 wanting it to be better. So when everybody's calmed down 0:09:04.679 --> 0:09:08.040 a sincere apology, I'm not proud of the way I 0:09:08.160 --> 0:09:11.959 handled that. I got too mad. I'm going to work 0:09:12.000 --> 0:09:16.959 on that. Teaches them strategies to do the same. 0:09:16.760 --> 0:09:21.199 Thing that's exactly right. And we've had doctor Dan Siegel 0:09:21.280 --> 0:09:25.000 on who my parents actually did that. I don't think 0:09:25.000 --> 0:09:26.920 they knew what they were doing, but my dad was 0:09:26.920 --> 0:09:29.920 one of those guys who if we got into something, 0:09:30.040 --> 0:09:31.880 or please go to your room and think about what 0:09:31.920 --> 0:09:34.839 you've done type of thing. As a teenager, I have 0:09:34.880 --> 0:09:36.920 such distinct memories of him coming in my room and 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:38.240 then sitting on the end of my bed and us 0:09:38.320 --> 0:09:40.520 like talking about what had happened, and it always ended 0:09:40.600 --> 0:09:43.240 up with him in tears because he's sort of emotional, 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:45.400 and he would just be like, Okay, do you feel good. 0:09:45.480 --> 0:09:48.000 I feel good, Let's have a hug, let's say we're sorry. 0:09:48.480 --> 0:09:50.800 And I don't know if he knew what he was doing, 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:54.080 but we have a wonderful relationship, and I feel like 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:57.440 so much of that is because it wasn't perfect, but 0:09:57.480 --> 0:10:01.319 we were very good at letting things zimmer, talking about 0:10:01.360 --> 0:10:06.120 them after apologizing and feeling repaired, which I do with 0:10:06.200 --> 0:10:06.760 my kids a. 0:10:06.679 --> 0:10:11.240 Lot, exactly. It's the most important thing. It teaches them 0:10:11.280 --> 0:10:14.240 how to do the same thing that will help them 0:10:14.280 --> 0:10:17.040 to have healthy relationships going forward. 0:10:18.120 --> 0:10:20.480 And what do you think I mean? This is such 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:24.360 a hot button topic about discipline and oh my goodness, 0:10:24.480 --> 0:10:29.320 like timeouts, grounding. Obviously anything physical is a no note, 0:10:29.360 --> 0:10:31.880 but anything in that world you could advise on. 0:10:32.679 --> 0:10:40.040 Absolutely to think of discipline as teaching, not punishment. Discipline 0:10:40.160 --> 0:10:45.000 is a chance to teach somebody coping skills during a 0:10:45.040 --> 0:10:51.199 hard time. Timeouts I really don't like, because when a 0:10:51.360 --> 0:10:55.280 child needs you most is when they have melted down 0:10:55.559 --> 0:10:59.760 or acting out, and when you isolate them with that, 0:11:00.480 --> 0:11:05.439 with the shame of that. It's not a way to regulate. 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:09.800 It's a way to shut down and become depressed. You 0:11:09.880 --> 0:11:13.640 may think that's compliance, but there's a price to pay 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:17.120 for that. If a child is acting out, they're telling 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:22.560 you they need your super ego to sustain theirs till 0:11:22.600 --> 0:11:29.640 they can regain their ability to calm and proceed. And 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:34.280 so what I like is time in. But again, what 0:11:34.360 --> 0:11:38.400 you have to do is regulate yourself so that you 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:41.040 can handle it. You might have to take a minute, 0:11:41.800 --> 0:11:45.680 you might have to say to your child, I'm getting 0:11:45.720 --> 0:11:50.160 too mad, I'm too grumpy right now, I'm going to 0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:53.760 go to the bathroom, or I'm going to go into 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:56.559 my room for a minute and I'm going to calm 0:11:56.600 --> 0:12:00.679 down so that we can work this out. And then 0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:05.600 you do that and come back and say, today is 0:12:05.640 --> 0:12:08.680 a day when you don't seem to be able to 0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:12.800 keep your hands from hitting other kids. So come hold 0:12:12.960 --> 0:12:18.240 mine and we're gonna do play doough together, or we're 0:12:18.280 --> 0:12:22.160 going to make a cake or whatever it is so 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:25.079 they can work out some of that stuff. And in 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:28.560 the process of doing that, you're letting the child know 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:32.200 that you're here for them, that they seem to have 0:12:32.360 --> 0:12:36.520 lost their balance for a minute, emotional balance, and you're 0:12:36.600 --> 0:12:40.160 there to provide yours. So you know, the same thing 0:12:40.280 --> 0:12:43.480 is we say all the time, put your oxygen mask 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:44.800 on first. 0:12:45.360 --> 0:12:48.360 Right, stop with whatever the stop means. 0:12:48.120 --> 0:12:55.760 Stop exactly, stop, take a breath, observe, and proceed the observing. 0:12:56.240 --> 0:13:02.000 The observation is what's going on? Is he hungry? Is 0:13:02.040 --> 0:13:02.840 she tired? 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:04.280 They get a bad night's sleep. 0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:09.800 Has school just been too long? Too many transitions today? 0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:13.600 Maybe there's so they're not going to tell you about it. 0:13:13.679 --> 0:13:17.000 At the time of the melt or the acting out. 0:13:17.400 --> 0:13:22.000 They don't have access to cognitive abilities in those times. 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:25.000 The chemicals in the brain that get downloaded, as Stan 0:13:25.160 --> 0:13:28.800 Siegel will tell you, makes it impossible for them to 0:13:28.960 --> 0:13:32.880 take in cognitive information. So don't try. 0:13:34.000 --> 0:13:37.560 Oh, I remember my marriage. I was like, our marriage 0:13:37.640 --> 0:13:40.840 is not going to survive this if he's trying to 0:13:40.880 --> 0:13:43.760 have a teachable moment in the midst of a meltdown, 0:13:44.080 --> 0:13:48.360 Like I was like, please, this is not for him. 0:13:48.440 --> 0:13:51.600 This must be for you, Adam, my husband, this is 0:13:51.880 --> 0:13:54.760 and this is a product of how your parents were 0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:57.760 drilling things of right and wrong into your head when 0:13:57.760 --> 0:14:01.400 you were freaking out. But I'm like, we can't. He's 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:04.240 not able to right now. Right now is just about 0:14:04.360 --> 0:14:07.160 how do we regulate? Is that a time in for me, 0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:10.200 because it most of the time is so that I 0:14:10.240 --> 0:14:13.640 can handle it once the calm has happened, like maybe 0:14:13.679 --> 0:14:15.560 we can hold hands or have a hug or have 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:17.640 a cuddle or draw something. 0:14:17.840 --> 0:14:23.080 And then later maybe another time talk about it. I'm 0:14:23.080 --> 0:14:26.840 going to tell the story. This is what happened. You 0:14:26.960 --> 0:14:30.680 got so mad, you threw your plate on the floor. 0:14:31.160 --> 0:14:35.480 I got crumpy, and we both were mad, and then 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:39.640 we got a hug. We calmed down. Now we're reading 0:14:39.760 --> 0:14:44.360 stories and everything's okay, because that's what families do. They 0:14:44.400 --> 0:14:46.000 make everything okay. 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:50.480 Ah, And let me tell you something. Carol's daughter, Alexis 0:14:50.640 --> 0:14:53.040 is also a mom that I'm very close to, and 0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:56.960 she is wonderful. So I have first hand experience. If 0:14:56.960 --> 0:14:59.840 you're listening to this and you're like, I don't know, man, 0:15:00.040 --> 0:15:03.000 and like I don't have the patience or the time 0:15:03.120 --> 0:15:06.000 to really do this. First of all, when you reframe 0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:10.320 your mind, it is very easy in my experience, and 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:14.000 my son was not a piece of pie at all. 0:15:14.120 --> 0:15:16.200 He is not, and it's what I love most about him. 0:15:16.520 --> 0:15:19.520 But seeing Alexis as a full grown adult who is 0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:24.000 Carol's daughter, and seeing Alexis's daughter Carol's grandkids, I'm like, 0:15:24.440 --> 0:15:30.280 they are wonderful, fulfilled human beings. So I have firsthand knowledge, 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:32.880 y'all that this is working. 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:36.920 Except that I want you to do. That's not what 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:42.440 it looked like when Alexis was in preschool, she was 0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:48.840 a highly spirited kid. I had absolutely no idea. I'm 0:15:48.920 --> 0:15:54.120 sure I made a million mistakes, some huge that I'll 0:15:54.160 --> 0:16:00.040 never forget, and somehow for one thing, you know, so 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:04.240 what helped repair so much of that being a grandparent, 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:10.320 because it's so different, and I think for your kids 0:16:10.680 --> 0:16:13.160 that you made a lot of mistakes with when they 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:19.200 see you repairing it through their children and by being 0:16:19.280 --> 0:16:22.480 there for their children in a different way, it goes 0:16:22.600 --> 0:16:26.720 back and repairs not only your own little childhood it 0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:31.800 get maybe treated that way, but also for your children. 0:16:32.960 --> 0:16:37.400 It means that there's repair possible in life. And what 0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:43.280 I can say about Alexis is your spirited children may 0:16:43.520 --> 0:16:49.320 tax you to the core, but their world changers. They 0:16:49.360 --> 0:16:53.960 will fight for justice, they will raise valued human beings, 0:16:54.760 --> 0:16:57.920 and that's what you want in what's become a very 0:16:58.040 --> 0:16:58.800 tough world. 0:17:00.240 --> 0:17:02.840 I love hearing this. I'm having this memory of coming 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:07.800 into toddler class that you were facilitating, and I was 0:17:07.920 --> 0:17:11.000 so upset because I'll be is a very spirited child. 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:14.520 I just spent so many times of the three and 0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:18.040 four year old years like heavily negotiating with a like 0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:21.040 a lawyer. I'm such a people pleaser, and I mean, 0:17:21.080 --> 0:17:25.560 he's literally my perfect opposite match, this child, and he 0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:30.520 is not conflict averse. He is very stubborn and strong 0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:34.600 willed and opinionated and loved to negotiate and loud, and 0:17:34.640 --> 0:17:37.800 he hit a lot of children, and I was panicked. 0:17:37.920 --> 0:17:39.840 I was so panicked, and I came to you and 0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:43.320 I told you these things. You were so not worried, 0:17:43.840 --> 0:17:46.280 and that made me not worried. And it just you 0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:50.120 were like just very no held space for exactly who 0:17:50.160 --> 0:17:53.840 he is. And I'll never forget it. I was so appreciative, 0:17:53.840 --> 0:17:57.119 and I think actually what you said was you know 0:17:57.160 --> 0:18:00.679 that there's things too. Obviously every parent has concerned, but 0:18:00.760 --> 0:18:03.920 even the parents especially who have children who might be listening, 0:18:03.960 --> 0:18:07.320 who are very shy, who don't speak up for themselves, 0:18:07.560 --> 0:18:10.840 or who are very slow to warm, and things like that, 0:18:11.119 --> 0:18:14.040 your child is who they are, and you're always like 0:18:14.240 --> 0:18:16.680 terrified about giving them the tools they're going to need 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:18.360 to get through it. 0:18:18.920 --> 0:18:22.280 Right. I actually worry a little bit more about the 0:18:22.359 --> 0:18:25.760 shutdown kids than I do about the spirited kids, because 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:30.440 they're going to take on the world and injustice and 0:18:30.440 --> 0:18:33.800 fight for their children and in ways that in the 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:37.800 end are going to serve them so well. But I 0:18:37.840 --> 0:18:43.960 think what helps a shy child is acceptance that they're observers. 0:18:44.720 --> 0:18:49.000 My son is very different from his sister and he's 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:53.960 also a wonderful human being of whom I'm immensely proud. 0:18:54.560 --> 0:18:58.560 But he always observed, and I used to say he 0:18:58.840 --> 0:19:01.679 didn't do anything till he thought he could look cool 0:19:01.800 --> 0:19:06.560 doing it. So he was late to walk, and he 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:10.119 did a lot of I remember his little sister would 0:19:10.160 --> 0:19:13.360 go down the scary pole in the park when he 0:19:13.760 --> 0:19:17.399 still was afraid to do it. There's a picture I 0:19:17.480 --> 0:19:21.320 have of them as very young children where he's bent 0:19:21.440 --> 0:19:24.639 over and looking worried and anxious, and his little sister 0:19:24.760 --> 0:19:27.680 has got him by the hand and she's strutting down 0:19:27.760 --> 0:19:31.560 the beach and she's got him there, very close to 0:19:31.600 --> 0:19:35.120 the stay. But that was a very different temperament. He 0:19:35.240 --> 0:19:41.439 needed much smaller corrections. And when I had Alexis, it 0:19:41.640 --> 0:19:45.320 was so different. I thought, you can't judge a parent 0:19:45.480 --> 0:19:49.160 for being a good er bad parent based on one child, 0:19:49.800 --> 0:19:55.720 because they're gonna get you with the next ones. And 0:19:55.800 --> 0:19:59.320 that's what keeps you humble and keeps you honest. You 0:19:59.440 --> 0:20:02.639 don't know who you've got till you get to know them, 0:20:02.840 --> 0:20:06.720 and don't try and make a child an adult. I 0:20:06.840 --> 0:20:10.520 used to joke that my son Zachary was born at 0:20:10.560 --> 0:20:14.480 the age of forty two, because he was very verbal 0:20:14.560 --> 0:20:20.080 before he moved, and he seemed to understand the world 0:20:21.160 --> 0:20:24.360 in a different way. But he had his own challenges 0:20:24.520 --> 0:20:28.560 and socializing with kids was not easy, and if they 0:20:28.560 --> 0:20:31.800 got in his space, he got overwhelmed and acted out. 0:20:32.560 --> 0:20:35.000 And I thought it was a great gift to have 0:20:35.080 --> 0:20:41.680 two very different temperaments because it expanded my knowledge of children. 0:20:42.480 --> 0:20:44.400 Yes, and I think it's a good note for parents 0:20:44.440 --> 0:20:49.040 to be careful. I hear parents make narratives for their 0:20:49.119 --> 0:20:51.560 kids that I'm not sure even one hundred percent true. 0:20:51.640 --> 0:20:55.840 Yet she's got a really she's really sickly like disposition. 0:20:55.920 --> 0:20:58.560 She's sick all the time, she catches germs all the time. 0:20:58.600 --> 0:21:00.359 I just hear it, and I'm like, don't know if 0:21:00.359 --> 0:21:02.720 that's good or bad. Just it is what it is. 0:21:02.760 --> 0:21:03.919 Maybe we shouldn't judge it. 0:21:04.359 --> 0:21:07.399 You're better off framing it by your own feeling. I 0:21:07.440 --> 0:21:12.600 get triggered by this behavior or that behavior rather than 0:21:12.600 --> 0:21:16.560 a character assessment, because it may be a bad day, 0:21:17.480 --> 0:21:20.440 it may be a mood, it may be a phase. 0:21:21.280 --> 0:21:23.200 Good God face, something. 0:21:23.080 --> 0:21:25.800 That tells the whole story. I'd like to I think 0:21:25.840 --> 0:21:28.119 my favorite thing to say to parents is this is 0:21:28.200 --> 0:21:31.720 not the end of the story. This is the beginning 0:21:32.440 --> 0:21:33.480 of the story. 0:21:34.080 --> 0:21:37.520 This is so helpful Carol. Everyone who's listening. Everything is 0:21:37.560 --> 0:21:39.280 a phase, and Carol got me through one of the 0:21:39.280 --> 0:21:42.159 hardest when Albie was really hitting a lot of children. 0:21:42.240 --> 0:21:44.399 I was up all night so upset because obviously I'm 0:21:44.440 --> 0:21:45.959 a people pleaser, and I couldn't believe that I had 0:21:45.960 --> 0:21:47.800 the kid on the playground that was hitting other children, 0:21:47.800 --> 0:21:49.800 and I'm just apologizing to everyone and so scared no 0:21:49.800 --> 0:21:52.440 one's gonna like me or my kid and had to 0:21:52.480 --> 0:21:55.679 put on my big girl pants and learn how to 0:21:56.119 --> 0:21:58.000 anticipate help him through that. 0:21:58.359 --> 0:22:02.040 Stay close, put your hand right there. I'm not going 0:22:02.119 --> 0:22:04.760 to let you hit, but I will help you. Tell 0:22:04.800 --> 0:22:08.359 me what you need. I want that toy. I'm going 0:22:08.440 --> 0:22:10.880 to help you wait, and this is how we can 0:22:10.920 --> 0:22:13.520 get it. When you get done with it, will you 0:22:13.640 --> 0:22:17.199 please give it to Albie? And then now I'm going 0:22:17.280 --> 0:22:19.440 to hold your hand and help you wait. You know 0:22:19.520 --> 0:22:22.639 how many times have you seen moms at the park 0:22:22.800 --> 0:22:25.240 say things to their kids from the bench and the 0:22:25.320 --> 0:22:29.360 kids don't hear it, don't listen when you speak. Make 0:22:29.480 --> 0:22:34.719 sure that it has impact. It means follow through. It 0:22:34.760 --> 0:22:40.240 means you can't say things like play nights or use 0:22:40.280 --> 0:22:44.240 your words. If they could use their words at those times, 0:22:44.320 --> 0:22:48.320 they would, they generally have them. But they're at the 0:22:48.440 --> 0:22:52.800 moment that they're feeling threatened or fight or flight that 0:22:53.080 --> 0:22:57.920 chemical kicks in. They just defend, and they defend by 0:22:58.040 --> 0:23:01.720 hitting because they don't know what to do. That's when 0:23:01.760 --> 0:23:05.280 you move in and you help. I'm here, I gotcha. 0:23:06.119 --> 0:23:08.840 I can't tell you like being on this other side 0:23:08.840 --> 0:23:10.399 of it. Like he's five and a half now, and 0:23:10.520 --> 0:23:14.000 the years I spent I'm sticking close by. I'm going 0:23:14.040 --> 0:23:15.879 to be putting. I'm putting my hand up because I 0:23:15.880 --> 0:23:18.840 won't let you hit someone's body. What do you need? 0:23:18.920 --> 0:23:20.760 How can I help you? Would you like this toy? 0:23:21.000 --> 0:23:23.600 For years I did this. It was exhausting. I'm not 0:23:23.680 --> 0:23:29.200 gonna lie. However, I prepared my son for those years 0:23:29.200 --> 0:23:31.320 because now he's got a little sister. And let me 0:23:31.359 --> 0:23:34.840 tell you something. She hits him, and he does not. 0:23:35.480 --> 0:23:38.639 He holds his hands by his side and he yells 0:23:38.640 --> 0:23:41.399 sometimes in her face, like a big guttural scream, and 0:23:41.440 --> 0:23:43.680 he says, but I'm not hitting her because I'm not 0:23:43.720 --> 0:23:45.840 going to hit her, but I'm gonna yell because I'm 0:23:45.920 --> 0:23:48.480 so frustrated that she just hit me. Good for him, 0:23:48.680 --> 0:23:52.800 and I'm like, yeah, I worked my ass off for. 0:23:52.880 --> 0:23:56.400 This, that's right, and that's the payoff. That's not See. 0:23:56.480 --> 0:23:58.800 It wasn't the end of the story, Sadie. 0:23:59.040 --> 0:24:03.240 Nope, I worked my ass off and it literally pays 0:24:03.280 --> 0:24:06.240 itself back every day. And I tell him, remember how 0:24:06.240 --> 0:24:07.959 we taught you how to use your hands and how 0:24:07.960 --> 0:24:10.480 to treat other people's bodies. Now we're teaching this, Verra, 0:24:10.560 --> 0:24:13.399 We're teaching this to your sister. It has been such 0:24:13.480 --> 0:24:16.080 a blessing. I can't tell you to have a leader 0:24:16.160 --> 0:24:18.919 like you and the advice like that to even know 0:24:18.960 --> 0:24:32.920 what to do. What should parents look for in a 0:24:33.000 --> 0:24:33.800 nursery school? 0:24:33.960 --> 0:24:37.800 In your opinion, I have a bias, But what I 0:24:38.000 --> 0:24:43.240 think very clearly is that play is the work of children, 0:24:44.240 --> 0:24:47.560 and what children in preschool should be doing is playing 0:24:48.440 --> 0:24:51.560 because it's how they make sense of the world. It's 0:24:51.600 --> 0:24:55.040 how they work out things in their emotional life. It's 0:24:55.040 --> 0:24:58.800 how they make sense of medical trauma. It's how they 0:24:58.880 --> 0:25:03.160 make sense of divorce or travel. 0:25:02.960 --> 0:25:04.520 Or having a sibling. 0:25:04.440 --> 0:25:09.320 Yes, absolutely having a sibling. They have a whole bunch 0:25:09.359 --> 0:25:14.160 of years to be academic scholars if that's their thing, 0:25:14.720 --> 0:25:18.080 or work with their hands and do something wonderful if 0:25:18.080 --> 0:25:22.280 it's not their thing. But there's only one time in 0:25:22.400 --> 0:25:27.919 life when play can be the priority and be supported. 0:25:28.280 --> 0:25:31.240 And when you look around and see how many adults 0:25:31.400 --> 0:25:37.320 can't play, you can guess what happened to them too early. 0:25:37.440 --> 0:25:43.119 There's no Studies show that there is no advantage to 0:25:43.320 --> 0:25:49.119 introducing right and wrong academic work in the preschool years. 0:25:49.600 --> 0:25:53.240 A good play based preschool will have all of the 0:25:53.280 --> 0:25:57.359 things that they need to get ready for learning. They'll 0:25:57.400 --> 0:26:00.840 have the shapes and the toys and the puzzles, and 0:26:00.920 --> 0:26:07.800 that thing together that will sustain blocks our preparation for math, 0:26:09.040 --> 0:26:13.120