WEBVTT - Peaceful & Intentional Parenting w/ Destini Ann 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:03.119 Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:06.080 in partnership with I Heart Radio. Girl, are you doing 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:12.240 a good job? Job? Good job, girl, You're doing a 0:00:12.280 --> 0:00:19.800 good job. That's the censer of the kids. Girl. You're 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:30.680 doing a good job. Girl, You're doing a good job. Hi, everybody, 0:00:30.800 --> 0:00:34.239 welcome back to Katie's Crib. I am such a personal 0:00:34.240 --> 0:00:36.720 fan of Today's guest. I spent a lot of time 0:00:36.760 --> 0:00:40.960 on Instagram watching her genius, but really, her genius is 0:00:41.000 --> 0:00:44.680 seen a lot on TikTok. Her name is Destiny Ann. 0:00:44.920 --> 0:00:48.599 She's amazing. She's a single millennial mom who promotes peaceful 0:00:48.640 --> 0:00:51.800 and positive parenting on her TikTok, where she has more 0:00:51.840 --> 0:00:56.400 than one freaking million viewers through heartfelt and hilarious videos 0:00:56.400 --> 0:00:58.720 and advice. She works to help other parents out there 0:00:58.760 --> 0:01:01.440 connect with their kids and now advigate family life, and 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:03.920 some of her most popular videos are about phrases such 0:01:03.960 --> 0:01:07.559 as bitch, You're doing a good job. Destiny also offers 0:01:07.560 --> 0:01:10.840 parental strategy classes that tackle hard topics such as how 0:01:10.880 --> 0:01:15.559 to avoid power struggles and meltdowns. Inside Notes Destiny, These 0:01:15.600 --> 0:01:17.720 are definitely one of these episodes where I'm going to 0:01:17.800 --> 0:01:19.560 personally ask you, like a lot of questions about my 0:01:19.560 --> 0:01:21.680 own life and my own child so that you can 0:01:21.720 --> 0:01:28.560 help me. Welcome to Katie's crab Destiny. Yeah, I'm so 0:01:28.600 --> 0:01:30.920 exciting to be here. First of all, I'm not as 0:01:30.959 --> 0:01:33.560 nearly as cool as you made me sound, but you 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:38.160 are so cool and such a good parent. Oh God, 0:01:38.200 --> 0:01:42.920 tell my kids before we get to your empire on 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:48.080 social media. How did you find yourself peaceful parenting? Like, 0:01:48.120 --> 0:01:50.800 how did you even know to do that? I don't 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:52.280 think I knew to do it. I just was like 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:55.480 a really like quote unquote bad kid. And so I 0:01:55.520 --> 0:01:58.680 had a terrible relationship just with my parents. There were 0:01:58.720 --> 0:02:00.960 such good parents, but it was just so much going on, 0:02:01.000 --> 0:02:03.760 and I was like, I don't want my kid to 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:06.600 feel the way that I felt, and I don't want 0:02:06.600 --> 0:02:08.560 to feel as a parent the way that my parents felt. 0:02:08.800 --> 0:02:11.480 And so my background was in developmental psychology, very much 0:02:11.520 --> 0:02:15.639 like sticker charts and you know, potty training and get 0:02:15.639 --> 0:02:18.280 the kid to change the behavior. And when we were 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:20.080 in the thick of parenting, when my daughter was like 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:24.600 five or six, that ship wasn't working. So like, okay, 0:02:24.639 --> 0:02:27.120 there's two people in this relationship. We focused all the 0:02:27.240 --> 0:02:31.200 energy on her behavior. Maybe I could contribute a little bit. 0:02:31.200 --> 0:02:36.480 And that's kind of what started my journey of holy crap, Wow, 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:39.200 when you say that you were a bad kid, like, 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:42.359 what do you mean? Like meaning like you talked back, 0:02:42.520 --> 0:02:46.239 you were rebellious, getting in trouble, grounded a lot. What 0:02:46.840 --> 0:02:49.640 was explained. Yeah, so I had the bad kid label. 0:02:49.680 --> 0:02:52.720 So I was very much, very mouthy, just always talking back, 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:55.160 super rebellious. I mean like stuff that you'd be like, 0:02:55.160 --> 0:02:56.960 there's no way you did that in middle school. I've 0:02:57.000 --> 0:03:00.600 done all the things I've done, Kittie, I've done all 0:03:00.800 --> 0:03:03.400 the things. If you're thinking I did it, and I 0:03:03.440 --> 0:03:07.799 probably did it. I was a hell you in and 0:03:07.840 --> 0:03:11.080 I was a lot for my parents and know that, wow, 0:03:11.120 --> 0:03:14.520 and tell us how old are your kids now? Phoenix 0:03:14.600 --> 0:03:16.880 is for, She's for? And then my nine year o 0:03:17.000 --> 0:03:20.960 Kennedy Okay, I had a very similar experience where I 0:03:21.000 --> 0:03:24.120 was going a real Rye method of parenting, which is 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:27.880 like Janet Landsbury an amazing, like such a great base 0:03:28.639 --> 0:03:30.760 for my son until he was to where it was 0:03:30.840 --> 0:03:35.040 a lot of like independence and giving him a very 0:03:35.200 --> 0:03:38.400 long leash and letting him figure things out on his 0:03:38.480 --> 0:03:42.400 own and independent play and all these things, and then 0:03:42.640 --> 0:03:47.360 once he started being the hitter on the playground, I 0:03:47.440 --> 0:03:50.120 was like, oh, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, Like, 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:52.400 I don't know how to discipline. I don't know, and 0:03:52.520 --> 0:03:55.080 in a loving way, I'm not talking like I I 0:03:55.120 --> 0:03:59.200 don't know how to set boundaries. And my god, everyone 0:03:59.240 --> 0:04:01.040 listening to this podcast asked to his children, you know, 0:04:01.360 --> 0:04:03.400 if there is ship that you haven't worked out about 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:06.080 your own self, it is going to rear its ugly 0:04:06.200 --> 0:04:09.960 fucking head times of thousand through your children as you 0:04:10.680 --> 0:04:16.599 so work on your ship, which me is boundaries. Oh good, Yeah, 0:04:16.680 --> 0:04:19.839 I was very permissive for a very long time. Oh 0:04:19.880 --> 0:04:22.120 really with your children. Yeah, I mean we have we 0:04:22.160 --> 0:04:24.440 have the same like sort of backgrounds very much, just 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:26.760 like this is your life. You're not here to complete 0:04:26.800 --> 0:04:28.840 me like all of that, because I was very much 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:30.920 misunderstood as a child. So I was like, my goal 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:32.800 is just to get you. I just want to get you. 0:04:32.880 --> 0:04:35.039 I want you to feel gotten. I'm not here to 0:04:35.240 --> 0:04:38.520 mold you. I'm here to unfold you, you know, And 0:04:38.720 --> 0:04:43.280 like now I'm just upshits creek. So tell me now, 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:46.719 okay foraying a little bit, how did you establish your 0:04:46.839 --> 0:04:50.120 brand as a peaceful parent on social media. That was 0:04:50.160 --> 0:04:52.560 not a purpose at all. I was a business coach 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:55.719 for hair Stylus, and so I've always worked with moms. 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:58.320 They were just entrepreneurs that just so happened to be 0:04:58.360 --> 0:05:00.680 hair Stylus, and I it was like, I think I 0:05:00.680 --> 0:05:03.440 should make a TikTok and share this. And I got 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:05.080 my daughter to show me how to make a TikTok 0:05:05.200 --> 0:05:07.359 and teach me what before you page was. And I 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:10.480 made a video about like productivity and managing and balancing, 0:05:11.000 --> 0:05:13.440 and then I made a video that kind of went 0:05:13.560 --> 0:05:15.920 viral or whatever. But you're doing a good job that video. 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:18.680 I think. I started my TikTok last April and whenever 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:20.440 Mother's Day is is when I did the bit you're 0:05:20.440 --> 0:05:22.920 doing a good job video, And then it was like, 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:26.600 all right, well let's talk more about parenting. And and 0:05:26.680 --> 0:05:32.279 that's why it's such a great follow everyone listening, because 0:05:32.279 --> 0:05:35.440 it is so organic, you know what I mean. Like, 0:05:35.560 --> 0:05:37.880 so it wasn't on purpose. It's sort of like my husband. 0:05:38.240 --> 0:05:41.000 My husband started this pretzel business during the pandemic similarly, 0:05:41.080 --> 0:05:43.920 but everything was sort of like he was falling backwards 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:47.000 into it, but all of a sudden, all of these 0:05:47.040 --> 0:05:51.440 things he was good at came together witnessing it in flow, 0:05:51.880 --> 0:05:54.120 which is how I feel when I watch your Instagram 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:56.160 and your tiktoks and things like that. It's like it's 0:05:56.200 --> 0:06:02.360 all so innately organically. I just press record. It's amazing. 0:06:03.440 --> 0:06:07.520 Can you tell us what is intentional parenting? Yeah? So 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:09.640 I think a lot of us are walking around very 0:06:09.720 --> 0:06:12.480 unconscious of how our behaviors are playing out in the 0:06:12.520 --> 0:06:15.400 relationship with our children. And so I don't really subscribe 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:18.200 to Yes Sleep Trainer, do or don't. I don't really 0:06:18.279 --> 0:06:21.000 get into the behavior aspect. It's well, is how your 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:24.320 parenting intentional? Is it rooted in your values and not 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:26.919 ego or fear or trauma or anything like that. And 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:30.520 so for me, intentional parenting is like I am unaware 0:06:30.560 --> 0:06:34.520 of the decisions I'm making, have a guide post, and 0:06:34.760 --> 0:06:37.360 I make meaningful repair and I get back on the train. 0:06:37.440 --> 0:06:39.760 But it's it's based off of what I believe as 0:06:39.800 --> 0:06:44.440 a parent and literally nothing else. Wow. I had someone 0:06:44.440 --> 0:06:47.480 on the podcast, Oh gosh, you guys, this is where 0:06:47.480 --> 0:06:49.640 mom brain comes into play. Who is just like if 0:06:49.680 --> 0:06:52.840 you write your family values on the kitchen table, like, 0:06:52.920 --> 0:06:54.680 what are they to you, you know, like it's a 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:58.039 family value of mine that like, no matter what you have, 0:06:58.120 --> 0:07:00.440 your sister's back, Your sister has your back, Like that's 0:07:00.440 --> 0:07:02.560 how I was raised. My brother, we have each other, 0:07:02.640 --> 0:07:05.400 like if you fight or you're fighting a toy or whatever, 0:07:05.560 --> 0:07:09.600 like we repair this relationship. You guys are family. You 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:12.160 guys come first from each other. That's how it goes. 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:14.720 For example, that's like one value of my family. But 0:07:15.040 --> 0:07:21.120 intentional parenting is really not doing everything out of reaction. Yes, yes, 0:07:21.760 --> 0:07:28.560 very very proactive. On Cindy Wang Brands Parenting Forward podcast. Yeah, 0:07:28.600 --> 0:07:31.960 I mean amazing. You mentioned that you shifted into becoming 0:07:31.960 --> 0:07:36.520 a peaceful parent by using the self help industry therapy 0:07:36.600 --> 0:07:40.040 for example, to becoming more peaceful. Can you outline an 0:07:40.040 --> 0:07:43.480 example of this. Yeah. Absolutely, So I've done all the things, 0:07:43.520 --> 0:07:47.160 like I'm in therapy now and I've done yes we 0:07:47.160 --> 0:07:49.240 we all are me and I don't love it. But 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:53.240 I've also done group coaching, individual coaching. I believe very 0:07:53.320 --> 0:07:57.200 very much in the power of transformation within a specific 0:07:57.240 --> 0:08:00.120 container and not doing it alone and getting support. And 0:08:00.160 --> 0:08:02.480 so around that time where I was like this is 0:08:02.520 --> 0:08:06.040 permissive and the sticker charms aren't working, and whoa, she 0:08:06.040 --> 0:08:09.040 doesn't respect me. It was just a really difficult dark 0:08:09.080 --> 0:08:11.480 time for myself. And I was like, well, maybe she's 0:08:11.480 --> 0:08:14.440 just mirroring me right now, Like, let me start with me. 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:16.840 And so I did a program with I don't know 0:08:16.840 --> 0:08:18.960 if you know who Preston Smiles is, but he was 0:08:19.080 --> 0:08:22.040 my first ever coach. He and his wife Alexi Pianos 0:08:22.080 --> 0:08:24.960 have amazing coaching programs, and I took his. It was 0:08:25.000 --> 0:08:26.960 like fifty of us. It was an online program, and 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:30.960 it was very much just like in the work, dealing 0:08:30.960 --> 0:08:34.079 with your edges, dealing with your trauma, your shadow, all 0:08:34.080 --> 0:08:36.240 of those things. I think for me that was really 0:08:36.320 --> 0:08:40.440 the beginning of the shift in my parenting journey. Was 0:08:40.480 --> 0:08:44.080 it a mirror effect? Could you see change immediately when 0:08:44.080 --> 0:08:46.600 you started working on yourself? Did things start to change 0:08:46.600 --> 0:08:49.800 with Kennedy? Absolutely? Absolutely? She was. I mean she was 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:53.200 just more open and I have such an impact. She's 0:08:53.240 --> 0:08:55.320 such an EmPATH and so I cannot fake it. I 0:08:55.320 --> 0:08:57.280 was just talking about this, Actually I cannot fake it 0:08:57.320 --> 0:09:00.200 with her. She knows and she's gonna mirror what. Ever, 0:09:00.240 --> 0:09:02.720 my energy actually is not what I'm trying to portrace. 0:09:02.760 --> 0:09:05.280 I was like, oh crap, Like I actually have to 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:07.959 feel better, like I have to be better. I can't 0:09:08.000 --> 0:09:15.679 just like turn why she's your daughter? And what was 0:09:15.880 --> 0:09:18.240 one of the things you focused on to become a 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:23.920 peaceful parent? Definitely communication. Definitely the way that I communicate 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:27.600 with my child is so very intentional now and having 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:33.040 intentional phrases or intentional processes because a lot of moments 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:35.880 and parenting are actually pretty predictable. They hit us at 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:38.400 the worst time. But we know or you know your kid. 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:40.439 You know the things that they don't like to hear 0:09:40.480 --> 0:09:43.800 no to, you know when they're most tired. And so 0:09:44.000 --> 0:09:46.840 for me being able to be intentional about Okay, when 0:09:46.880 --> 0:09:49.120 I pick her up from school, it can go one 0:09:49.200 --> 0:09:51.760 or two ways. Let me stop, get my energy together 0:09:52.280 --> 0:09:54.679 and be intentional about how I'm going to communicate with her. 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:57.080 Those things make such a difference in our day and 0:09:57.080 --> 0:09:59.600 in our relationship. Okay, so you pick her up from 0:09:59.640 --> 0:10:04.559 school and she's having the bad day. What her examples 0:10:04.640 --> 0:10:08.680 of how you communicate with her? Yeah, So with Kennedy, 0:10:08.840 --> 0:10:11.520 it's all about listening. And I think his parents were 0:10:11.559 --> 0:10:14.200 like scientists, right, what's gonna work for you is not 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:16.680 gonna work for me and my child And so I 0:10:16.760 --> 0:10:20.040 know that she just wants a listening ear, and she's 0:10:20.120 --> 0:10:24.280 so good at communication and emotional intelligence that it's almost 0:10:24.280 --> 0:10:26.280 a bad idea for me to give her the answer. 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:29.000 She's gonna go the opposite way. So she really just 0:10:29.040 --> 0:10:31.239 needs to talk it out. I asked the right questions 0:10:31.520 --> 0:10:33.960 reflect back to her. Okay, so she said that to you, 0:10:34.400 --> 0:10:36.560 and how do you feel about that? Oh? Wow, you know, 0:10:36.640 --> 0:10:39.920 just in that way and giving no advice and she 0:10:40.040 --> 0:10:44.480 winds up coming to the answer anyway. WHOA, you're like 0:10:44.600 --> 0:10:50.240 doing therapy. That's so cool. It's absolutely therapy with that one. 0:10:50.720 --> 0:10:56.400 That's so cool. Okay, so communication, listening, What specific thing 0:10:56.520 --> 0:11:01.760 did you learn from your therapy that helped guide you? 0:11:02.559 --> 0:11:06.640 A big one this year has been like recognizing my 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:11.000 relationship with anger and how I've had a really negative 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:13.880 relationship with anger and just how it shows up and 0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:18.360 how like, I'm so uncomfortable when Kennedy gets angry, I'm 0:11:18.600 --> 0:11:21.600 so uncomfortable with it. And so either it's like fight 0:11:21.679 --> 0:11:24.320 or flight, that's it. Now, when she gets angry, I 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:27.240 it's not even about her. It's totally about me being 0:11:27.240 --> 0:11:30.800 comfortable with anger. And so that's me affirming or that's 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:33.800 me taking deep breaths or setting a boundary. I'm not 0:11:33.840 --> 0:11:35.320 willing to let you talk to me like this. So 0:11:35.360 --> 0:11:37.120 I'm going to leave the room and I'm I'm gonna 0:11:37.120 --> 0:11:39.480 be right there whenever you're ready to talk to me 0:11:39.520 --> 0:11:42.120 the way that you liked that we talk to each other. Yeah, 0:11:42.160 --> 0:11:44.080 you know, I have a very similar thing. I'm very 0:11:44.160 --> 0:11:48.520 conflict diverse, and I was gifted a child who is 0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:53.440 um not And you know, it's really interesting for me 0:11:53.880 --> 0:11:58.840 to have a son who does get angry and does 0:11:58.920 --> 0:12:03.719 feel rage, and I see testosterone running like. He loves 0:12:03.760 --> 0:12:06.080 to play fight, he loves to beat the ship out 0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:08.920 of a pillow. He loves to take a pretend we 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:10.920 don't have gun toys in the house, but he'll make 0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:13.720 one out of his fingers and you know whatever. And 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:19.560 it's really been interesting for me to get comfortable with 0:12:19.640 --> 0:12:22.840 that is in him. That is part of who he is. 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:28.119 And I'm creative, toxic masculinity, and I'm trying to accept 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:31.520 and love all the parts of him and just understand 0:12:31.679 --> 0:12:35.920 that how do I help him do this for good 0:12:37.480 --> 0:12:40.600 not for evil? You know? But he gets angry, he 0:12:40.600 --> 0:12:45.560 gets frustrated, he yells, So I like hearing your vocabulary 0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:48.640 in your words. Yeah, I'm not willing. I think as 0:12:48.640 --> 0:12:51.280 a child, when I was doing something that my parents 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:53.360 didn't like, it really felt like a right or wrong 0:12:53.720 --> 0:12:56.840 and not. We're just different and helping me find a 0:12:56.840 --> 0:12:59.880 way to cultivate who I am in a more healthy way. 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:01.760 And so for her, I don't ever want her to 0:13:01.760 --> 0:13:04.559 feel like her anger is bad. And maybe there will 0:13:04.600 --> 0:13:08.400 be relationships where that's acceptable. I don't know, it's your life. 0:13:08.400 --> 0:13:10.560 I'm letting you know that I'm not willing to deal 0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:13.240 with that. And also she doesn't want to be spoken 0:13:13.240 --> 0:13:14.720 to like that. I know that, I know that she 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:18.439 really does value effective communication, so I think that she's 0:13:18.520 --> 0:13:21.000 also unsafe in those moments. I don't even want to 0:13:21.040 --> 0:13:23.240 allow her to lean into that part of her where 0:13:23.240 --> 0:13:25.400 it's okay to talk to me like that. So I 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:27.839 gotta go so you can stay safe as well. We 0:13:28.160 --> 0:13:29.960 have to get into so much respect stuff. I can't 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:44.280 wait on. Cameron Rogers Freckled, Foodie and Friends podcast guys 0:13:44.280 --> 0:13:48.720 were just quoting other great podcasts. Um you mentioned that 0:13:48.760 --> 0:13:51.760 your older daughters she got older, which we were discussing 0:13:51.800 --> 0:13:55.240 that you noticed that you didn't feel respected by her 0:13:55.360 --> 0:13:58.800 and that you weren't being taken seriously, tell us what 0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:02.560 that looked like in your iusehold. It looked like her 0:14:02.640 --> 0:14:06.040 having a hard time upholding that values that we agreed on. 0:14:06.440 --> 0:14:08.920 Was she calling you names? Was she hitting your body? 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:12.920 Oh yeah, yeah, like the I hate you and like 0:14:13.120 --> 0:14:15.840 trying to hit and all of that. Yeah, ship, Okay, 0:14:15.840 --> 0:14:17.920 this is what's coming down the pipe for me. Yeah, 0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:20.880 and it had never been that. What age did that occur? 0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:24.480 She's nine now, so like eight and a half. This 0:14:24.560 --> 0:14:29.200 is a recent change. Oh shit, Okay, this is new. Yeah, 0:14:29.240 --> 0:14:31.000 this is new. Well the four year old, the four 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:34.160 year old has been that, like, she's been fiery and 0:14:34.360 --> 0:14:36.800 want to hit out of Yeah, so it's been that way, 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:39.600 but this is new for the nine year old. Okay, 0:14:39.680 --> 0:14:42.920 So how have you been working on this? How the 0:14:42.960 --> 0:14:45.040 hell do we get our children to respect us? Because 0:14:45.080 --> 0:14:49.000 I already see it going this way. My son doesn't 0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:55.600 do disrespectful ship to his dad because he's afraid. When 0:14:55.600 --> 0:14:59.800 his dad lays down a boundary, it is set. And 0:15:00.040 --> 0:15:02.800 when I lay down a boundary, it is my own fault. 0:15:02.920 --> 0:15:07.440 I'm wishy washy, I'm really loving. It's super hard for me. 0:15:07.520 --> 0:15:10.040 I'm such a hippie and my son smells it out. 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:12.920 And so that's not the same in every household. I'm 0:15:12.920 --> 0:15:16.040 sure it's the other way around in some household. You 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:18.480 know whatever, But what do you do? How are you 0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:21.560 working on respect with Kennedy? So for me, intention is 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:25.880 about preparation, and we don't wait till game day to practice. 0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:27.920 Once we're in the thick of it, she's piste off, 0:15:28.200 --> 0:15:29.560 you have to ride the wave and do all that 0:15:29.800 --> 0:15:32.120 breathing and all that ship and I'm not willing that's 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:33.760 what you have to do in the heat of the moment. 0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:37.840 But it really is about prevention. Those calming tools. We 0:15:37.880 --> 0:15:40.280 have to practice those things on a regular basis. We 0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:43.400 have to practice effective communication and be intentional about it. 0:15:43.400 --> 0:15:44.800 We can't just go through the day. We have to 0:15:44.880 --> 0:15:47.760 actually give her space to feel empowered so she doesn't 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:50.960 always feel the need to take that power back. And 0:15:51.040 --> 0:15:55.720 so for me, that is intentional connection making her feel safe, 0:15:56.040 --> 0:16:00.360 having conversations with her about her peaceful place, or or 0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:02.760 will do deep breaths or whatever just to make her 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:05.360 feel safe on a regular basis, so that in the 0:16:05.360 --> 0:16:08.200 moment when she's piste off, she can recall those things 0:16:08.200 --> 0:16:10.640 like hey, I see where this is going, like, let's 0:16:10.640 --> 0:16:12.480 try this, let's take a deep breath. If if they 0:16:12.520 --> 0:16:15.480 don't practice those kind of things, that don't practice tension 0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:19.600 and release or whatever, to call on them when because 0:16:19.640 --> 0:16:26.240 I can't write in regular, normal calm moments of boredom, 0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:28.280 what are other things you do? You do deep breathing. 0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:32.360 So at night is typically when we do our practice, 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:35.960 and so for me, it's all about her processing and 0:16:36.160 --> 0:16:40.120 integrating experiences with emotion in a healthy way. And so 0:16:40.200 --> 0:16:43.000 we'll do like nopes and dopes where we go over 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:45.160 her day and we talk about the good things that happened, 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:47.160 and we talked about the negative things that happen, and 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:50.960 she can process a negative experience in a healthy way. 0:16:50.960 --> 0:16:52.640 She'll tell me what happened, She'll tell me how she 0:16:52.720 --> 0:16:55.760 felt about it, She'll tell me what she wished had happened. 0:16:56.160 --> 0:16:58.240 And that is what I would like for her to do. 0:16:58.280 --> 0:17:01.400 In a moment, something can happen. She can feel the feelings, 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:03.480 she can say what she wish happened, and we can 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:05.879 move forward. So we'll practice that at night when she 0:17:05.920 --> 0:17:09.440 snuggled up with me, she's calm, she she's regulated. Maybe 0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:13.680 we'll do some affirmations. But I'm really big on allowing 0:17:13.720 --> 0:17:15.639 the emotional part of her brain to connect with the 0:17:15.720 --> 0:17:19.000 rational part of her brain on a consistent basis, so 0:17:19.040 --> 0:17:20.760 that way she can recall that the moment, because I 0:17:20.800 --> 0:17:22.919 don't recall when I was a kid, like talking about 0:17:22.960 --> 0:17:26.679 my experiences, said my parents. No, I don't either, but 0:17:26.760 --> 0:17:29.000 you know, my I look back and my god, my 0:17:29.080 --> 0:17:32.000 dad did a really good job. We had Dr Dan 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:36.720 Siegel on the podcast Amazing Amazing, and he was talking 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:40.800 a lot about the rupture and repairs. My dad didn't 0:17:40.840 --> 0:17:42.960 know he was doing this at the time. We have 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:46.000 a great relationship and I think so much of it 0:17:46.080 --> 0:17:49.639 because if let's say I did something quote unquote bad 0:17:50.320 --> 0:17:53.000 or got sent to my room, it was something like, 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:54.199 you have to go to your room and you have 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:56.680 to think about what you've done because we're not happy 0:17:56.720 --> 0:17:58.280 with you at the moment. Whenever, and I would go 0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:00.800 to my room, but it only end it up. My 0:18:00.880 --> 0:18:02.760 memory is my dad on the end of my bed 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:05.119 and he'd say, Okay, let's talk about it now, and 0:18:05.160 --> 0:18:07.480 then he would always end up crying because my dad's 0:18:07.480 --> 0:18:10.320 super emotionally available and he and then he would be like, 0:18:10.440 --> 0:18:12.600 can we have a hug, and I would say, yes, 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:15.240 he had no idea what he was doing at the time, 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:19.600 but it was these little repairs of all these little 0:18:19.680 --> 0:18:24.000 ruptures and so but I really do rely on that 0:18:24.080 --> 0:18:27.160 in my own life because I'm like, Okay, why did 0:18:27.160 --> 0:18:30.320 I fly off the handle yesterday? What happened? Oh? I 0:18:30.400 --> 0:18:32.280 hate getting my son dressed more than anything in the 0:18:32.359 --> 0:18:36.639 entire world. Okay, he hates getting dressed because he doesn't 0:18:36.680 --> 0:18:38.840 have autonomy, but he doesn't want him get him own 0:18:38.880 --> 0:18:41.000 self dressed. So most days he wears his pajamas. I 0:18:41.000 --> 0:18:44.080 don't give a ship. Sometimes it's too cold or the 0:18:44.119 --> 0:18:47.119 pajamas are just fucking dirty and he has to change them. 0:18:47.200 --> 0:18:49.280 While I'm getting him dressed, he'll try to like poke 0:18:49.359 --> 0:18:51.040 me in the nose or like poke me in the 0:18:51.080 --> 0:18:55.040 eye or something ridiculous because he's pissed that I'm getting undressed. Right, So, 0:18:55.119 --> 0:18:57.160 yesterday he poked me in the nose and his finger 0:18:57.240 --> 0:18:59.240 went really far up my nose and it really hurt, 0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:03.639 and I was like, oh, Albie, oh my god, that 0:19:03.760 --> 0:19:05.919 really hurt. And then I just was like through his 0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:07.600 clothes on the floor and I was like, you do it. 0:19:07.800 --> 0:19:11.000 I can't. I cannot I get very frustrated when I'm 0:19:11.000 --> 0:19:13.440 getting you dressed because you make it difficult for me. 0:19:13.680 --> 0:19:16.000 It's not fun and I don't like it. This is 0:19:16.040 --> 0:19:18.680 literally how I'm talking to him. Thirty minutes later, I'm like, 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:21.360 I'm sorry, I got very frustrated while getting you dressed. 0:19:22.400 --> 0:19:24.480 I know you don't like getting dressed. I don't like 0:19:24.560 --> 0:19:27.919 getting you dressed. The whole thing is just it is, 0:19:28.040 --> 0:19:31.000 I guess, and I'm sorry. First of all, I had 0:19:31.000 --> 0:19:33.760 those moments, and yesterday we had the same moment like 0:19:33.840 --> 0:19:38.360 with the repair. Actually call like recaps. Oh that's good. Yeah, 0:19:38.359 --> 0:19:40.919 I'm very big on I don't discipline in the moment. 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:42.960 I can't. I can't teach you anything. It's not the land. 0:19:44.320 --> 0:19:47.080 Oh my god, this needs to be written on a 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:49.800 something for my husband because the fact that he wants 0:19:49.800 --> 0:19:52.080 to make teachable moments while my son is having a 0:19:52.480 --> 0:19:56.280 conniption fit is so it's literally going against the current 0:19:56.400 --> 0:20:02.480 wasted energy of ridiculousness, like why, oh my god, and 0:20:02.560 --> 0:20:04.320 my husband wants to talk for like an hour to 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:05.600 a four and a half year old and make him 0:20:05.600 --> 0:20:07.199 sit at the table. I do the same thing, though, 0:20:07.240 --> 0:20:08.920 I do the same thing, and I catched myself in 0:20:08.960 --> 0:20:11.280 the moment. It's not like, oh, I see she's having attention, 0:20:11.640 --> 0:20:13.359 just know, like halfway through, and I'm like, damn, this 0:20:13.400 --> 0:20:15.119 could have been over ten minutes ago, Like yes, we 0:20:15.160 --> 0:20:17.720 just shut the sunk up and this happened yesterday. We're 0:20:18.160 --> 0:20:19.920 at an arcade or whatever, and I'm just spent all 0:20:19.960 --> 0:20:21.520 this money because I've been in l A and I 0:20:21.560 --> 0:20:23.880 came back and I'm a sucker for my kids when 0:20:23.880 --> 0:20:25.439 I've been gone. I'm like, yes, let's just do all 0:20:25.480 --> 0:20:27.600 the things today. And we're about to leave. It's been 0:20:27.640 --> 0:20:30.600 such a good mood. And she sees a fitbit or 0:20:30.640 --> 0:20:32.840 something and she goes, can I get a fitbit? I 0:20:32.880 --> 0:20:36.520 was like, yeah, of course. She thought like yeah, of course, 0:20:36.800 --> 0:20:40.560 Like we're gonna go get one right now? Yeah, right right, 0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:45.080 And so she I just I got irritated at the handle. Well, no, 0:20:45.240 --> 0:20:48.040 it was very small. She was just like irritated, like frustrated. 0:20:48.119 --> 0:20:50.720 But I couldn't hide that I was frustrated with her frustration, 0:20:50.760 --> 0:20:52.879 and so I was like, sorry, kid, like it was 0:20:53.000 --> 0:20:56.479 very blah, and she just like lost it there just 0:20:56.520 --> 0:20:58.960 with emotions and doors sleeming and just mean words and 0:20:59.000 --> 0:21:01.040 all this stuff. And I just let her ride the 0:21:01.040 --> 0:21:03.280 wave about and when we got home, I was like, hey, 0:21:03.320 --> 0:21:04.960 I'm not I couldn't in the car, but I was like, 0:21:04.960 --> 0:21:06.480 I'm not willing to let you talk to me like that. 0:21:06.800 --> 0:21:08.480 I'm gonna give you as much space as you need 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:09.960 and I'm gonna be here. And I left the room 0:21:10.000 --> 0:21:12.520