Speaker 1: Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio
Speaker 1: in partnership with I Heart Radio. Girl, are you doing
Speaker 1: a good job? Job? Good job, girl, You're doing a
Speaker 1: good job. That's the censer of the kids. Girl. You're
Speaker 1: doing a good job. Girl, You're doing a good job. Hi, everybody,
Speaker 1: welcome back to Katie's Crib. I am such a personal
Speaker 1: fan of Today's guest. I spent a lot of time
Speaker 1: on Instagram watching her genius, but really, her genius is
Speaker 1: seen a lot on TikTok. Her name is Destiny Ann.
Speaker 1: She's amazing. She's a single millennial mom who promotes peaceful
Speaker 1: and positive parenting on her TikTok, where she has more
Speaker 1: than one freaking million viewers through heartfelt and hilarious videos
Speaker 1: and advice. She works to help other parents out there
Speaker 1: connect with their kids and now advigate family life, and
Speaker 1: some of her most popular videos are about phrases such
Speaker 1: as bitch, You're doing a good job. Destiny also offers
Speaker 1: parental strategy classes that tackle hard topics such as how
Speaker 1: to avoid power struggles and meltdowns. Inside Notes Destiny, These
Speaker 1: are definitely one of these episodes where I'm going to
Speaker 1: personally ask you, like a lot of questions about my
Speaker 1: own life and my own child so that you can
Speaker 1: help me. Welcome to Katie's crab Destiny. Yeah, I'm so
Speaker 1: exciting to be here. First of all, I'm not as
Speaker 1: nearly as cool as you made me sound, but you
Speaker 1: are so cool and such a good parent. Oh God,
Speaker 1: tell my kids before we get to your empire on
Speaker 1: social media. How did you find yourself peaceful parenting? Like,
Speaker 1: how did you even know to do that? I don't
Speaker 1: think I knew to do it. I just was like
Speaker 1: a really like quote unquote bad kid. And so I
Speaker 1: had a terrible relationship just with my parents. There were
Speaker 1: such good parents, but it was just so much going on,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I don't want my kid to
Speaker 1: feel the way that I felt, and I don't want
Speaker 1: to feel as a parent the way that my parents felt.
Speaker 1: And so my background was in developmental psychology, very much
Speaker 1: like sticker charts and you know, potty training and get
Speaker 1: the kid to change the behavior. And when we were
Speaker 1: in the thick of parenting, when my daughter was like
Speaker 1: five or six, that ship wasn't working. So like, okay,
Speaker 1: there's two people in this relationship. We focused all the
Speaker 1: energy on her behavior. Maybe I could contribute a little bit.
Speaker 1: And that's kind of what started my journey of holy crap, Wow,
Speaker 1: when you say that you were a bad kid, like,
Speaker 1: what do you mean? Like meaning like you talked back,
Speaker 1: you were rebellious, getting in trouble, grounded a lot. What
Speaker 1: was explained. Yeah, so I had the bad kid label.
Speaker 1: So I was very much, very mouthy, just always talking back,
Speaker 1: super rebellious. I mean like stuff that you'd be like,
Speaker 1: there's no way you did that in middle school. I've
Speaker 1: done all the things I've done, Kittie, I've done all
Speaker 1: the things. If you're thinking I did it, and I
Speaker 1: probably did it. I was a hell you in and
Speaker 1: I was a lot for my parents and know that, wow,
Speaker 1: and tell us how old are your kids now? Phoenix
Speaker 1: is for, She's for? And then my nine year o
Speaker 1: Kennedy Okay, I had a very similar experience where I
Speaker 1: was going a real Rye method of parenting, which is
Speaker 1: like Janet Landsbury an amazing, like such a great base
Speaker 1: for my son until he was to where it was
Speaker 1: a lot of like independence and giving him a very
Speaker 1: long leash and letting him figure things out on his
Speaker 1: own and independent play and all these things, and then
Speaker 1: once he started being the hitter on the playground, I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, Like,
Speaker 1: I don't know how to discipline. I don't know, and
Speaker 1: in a loving way, I'm not talking like I I
Speaker 1: don't know how to set boundaries. And my god, everyone
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast asked to his children, you know,
Speaker 1: if there is ship that you haven't worked out about
Speaker 1: your own self, it is going to rear its ugly
Speaker 1: fucking head times of thousand through your children as you
Speaker 1: so work on your ship, which me is boundaries. Oh good, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was very permissive for a very long time. Oh
Speaker 1: really with your children. Yeah, I mean we have we
Speaker 1: have the same like sort of backgrounds very much, just
Speaker 1: like this is your life. You're not here to complete
Speaker 1: me like all of that, because I was very much
Speaker 1: misunderstood as a child. So I was like, my goal
Speaker 1: is just to get you. I just want to get you.
Speaker 1: I want you to feel gotten. I'm not here to
Speaker 1: mold you. I'm here to unfold you, you know, And
Speaker 1: like now I'm just upshits creek. So tell me now,
Speaker 1: okay foraying a little bit, how did you establish your
Speaker 1: brand as a peaceful parent on social media. That was
Speaker 1: not a purpose at all. I was a business coach
Speaker 1: for hair Stylus, and so I've always worked with moms.
Speaker 1: They were just entrepreneurs that just so happened to be
Speaker 1: hair Stylus, and I it was like, I think I
Speaker 1: should make a TikTok and share this. And I got
Speaker 1: my daughter to show me how to make a TikTok
Speaker 1: and teach me what before you page was. And I
Speaker 1: made a video about like productivity and managing and balancing,
Speaker 1: and then I made a video that kind of went
Speaker 1: viral or whatever. But you're doing a good job that video.
Speaker 1: I think. I started my TikTok last April and whenever
Speaker 1: Mother's Day is is when I did the bit you're
Speaker 1: doing a good job video, And then it was like,
Speaker 1: all right, well let's talk more about parenting. And and
Speaker 1: that's why it's such a great follow everyone listening, because
Speaker 1: it is so organic, you know what I mean. Like,
Speaker 1: so it wasn't on purpose. It's sort of like my husband.
Speaker 1: My husband started this pretzel business during the pandemic similarly,
Speaker 1: but everything was sort of like he was falling backwards
Speaker 1: into it, but all of a sudden, all of these
Speaker 1: things he was good at came together witnessing it in flow,
Speaker 1: which is how I feel when I watch your Instagram
Speaker 1: and your tiktoks and things like that. It's like it's
Speaker 1: all so innately organically. I just press record. It's amazing.
Speaker 1: Can you tell us what is intentional parenting? Yeah? So
Speaker 1: I think a lot of us are walking around very
Speaker 1: unconscious of how our behaviors are playing out in the
Speaker 1: relationship with our children. And so I don't really subscribe
Speaker 1: to Yes Sleep Trainer, do or don't. I don't really
Speaker 1: get into the behavior aspect. It's well, is how your
Speaker 1: parenting intentional? Is it rooted in your values and not
Speaker 1: ego or fear or trauma or anything like that. And
Speaker 1: so for me, intentional parenting is like I am unaware
Speaker 1: of the decisions I'm making, have a guide post, and
Speaker 1: I make meaningful repair and I get back on the train.
Speaker 1: But it's it's based off of what I believe as
Speaker 1: a parent and literally nothing else. Wow. I had someone
Speaker 1: on the podcast, Oh gosh, you guys, this is where
Speaker 1: mom brain comes into play. Who is just like if
Speaker 1: you write your family values on the kitchen table, like,
Speaker 1: what are they to you, you know, like it's a
Speaker 1: family value of mine that like, no matter what you have,
Speaker 1: your sister's back, Your sister has your back, Like that's
Speaker 1: how I was raised. My brother, we have each other,
Speaker 1: like if you fight or you're fighting a toy or whatever,
Speaker 1: like we repair this relationship. You guys are family. You
Speaker 1: guys come first from each other. That's how it goes.
Speaker 1: For example, that's like one value of my family. But
Speaker 1: intentional parenting is really not doing everything out of reaction. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: very very proactive. On Cindy Wang Brands Parenting Forward podcast. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean amazing. You mentioned that you shifted into becoming
Speaker 1: a peaceful parent by using the self help industry therapy
Speaker 1: for example, to becoming more peaceful. Can you outline an
Speaker 1: example of this. Yeah. Absolutely, So I've done all the things,
Speaker 1: like I'm in therapy now and I've done yes we
Speaker 1: we all are me and I don't love it. But
Speaker 1: I've also done group coaching, individual coaching. I believe very
Speaker 1: very much in the power of transformation within a specific
Speaker 1: container and not doing it alone and getting support. And
Speaker 1: so around that time where I was like this is
Speaker 1: permissive and the sticker charms aren't working, and whoa, she
Speaker 1: doesn't respect me. It was just a really difficult dark
Speaker 1: time for myself. And I was like, well, maybe she's
Speaker 1: just mirroring me right now, Like, let me start with me.
Speaker 1: And so I did a program with I don't know
Speaker 1: if you know who Preston Smiles is, but he was
Speaker 1: my first ever coach. He and his wife Alexi Pianos
Speaker 1: have amazing coaching programs, and I took his. It was
Speaker 1: like fifty of us. It was an online program, and
Speaker 1: it was very much just like in the work, dealing
Speaker 1: with your edges, dealing with your trauma, your shadow, all
Speaker 1: of those things. I think for me that was really
Speaker 1: the beginning of the shift in my parenting journey. Was
Speaker 1: it a mirror effect? Could you see change immediately when
Speaker 1: you started working on yourself? Did things start to change
Speaker 1: with Kennedy? Absolutely? Absolutely? She was. I mean she was
Speaker 1: just more open and I have such an impact. She's
Speaker 1: such an EmPATH and so I cannot fake it. I
Speaker 1: was just talking about this, Actually I cannot fake it
Speaker 1: with her. She knows and she's gonna mirror what. Ever,
Speaker 1: my energy actually is not what I'm trying to portrace.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh crap, Like I actually have to
Speaker 1: feel better, like I have to be better. I can't
Speaker 1: just like turn why she's your daughter? And what was
Speaker 1: one of the things you focused on to become a
Speaker 1: peaceful parent? Definitely communication. Definitely the way that I communicate
Speaker 1: with my child is so very intentional now and having
Speaker 1: intentional phrases or intentional processes because a lot of moments
Speaker 1: and parenting are actually pretty predictable. They hit us at
Speaker 1: the worst time. But we know or you know your kid.
Speaker 1: You know the things that they don't like to hear
Speaker 1: no to, you know when they're most tired. And so
Speaker 1: for me being able to be intentional about Okay, when
Speaker 1: I pick her up from school, it can go one
Speaker 1: or two ways. Let me stop, get my energy together
Speaker 1: and be intentional about how I'm going to communicate with her.
Speaker 1: Those things make such a difference in our day and
Speaker 1: in our relationship. Okay, so you pick her up from
Speaker 1: school and she's having the bad day. What her examples
Speaker 1: of how you communicate with her? Yeah, So with Kennedy,
Speaker 1: it's all about listening. And I think his parents were
Speaker 1: like scientists, right, what's gonna work for you is not
Speaker 1: gonna work for me and my child And so I
Speaker 1: know that she just wants a listening ear, and she's
Speaker 1: so good at communication and emotional intelligence that it's almost
Speaker 1: a bad idea for me to give her the answer.
Speaker 1: She's gonna go the opposite way. So she really just
Speaker 1: needs to talk it out. I asked the right questions
Speaker 1: reflect back to her. Okay, so she said that to you,
Speaker 1: and how do you feel about that? Oh? Wow, you know,
Speaker 1: just in that way and giving no advice and she
Speaker 1: winds up coming to the answer anyway. WHOA, you're like
Speaker 1: doing therapy. That's so cool. It's absolutely therapy with that one.
Speaker 1: That's so cool. Okay, so communication, listening, What specific thing
Speaker 1: did you learn from your therapy that helped guide you?
Speaker 1: A big one this year has been like recognizing my
Speaker 1: relationship with anger and how I've had a really negative
Speaker 1: relationship with anger and just how it shows up and
Speaker 1: how like, I'm so uncomfortable when Kennedy gets angry, I'm
Speaker 1: so uncomfortable with it. And so either it's like fight
Speaker 1: or flight, that's it. Now, when she gets angry, I
Speaker 1: it's not even about her. It's totally about me being
Speaker 1: comfortable with anger. And so that's me affirming or that's
Speaker 1: me taking deep breaths or setting a boundary. I'm not
Speaker 1: willing to let you talk to me like this. So
Speaker 1: I'm going to leave the room and I'm I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be right there whenever you're ready to talk to me
Speaker 1: the way that you liked that we talk to each other. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, I have a very similar thing. I'm very
Speaker 1: conflict diverse, and I was gifted a child who is
Speaker 1: um not And you know, it's really interesting for me
Speaker 1: to have a son who does get angry and does
Speaker 1: feel rage, and I see testosterone running like. He loves
Speaker 1: to play fight, he loves to beat the ship out
Speaker 1: of a pillow. He loves to take a pretend we
Speaker 1: don't have gun toys in the house, but he'll make
Speaker 1: one out of his fingers and you know whatever. And
Speaker 1: it's really been interesting for me to get comfortable with
Speaker 1: that is in him. That is part of who he is.
Speaker 1: And I'm creative, toxic masculinity, and I'm trying to accept
Speaker 1: and love all the parts of him and just understand
Speaker 1: that how do I help him do this for good
Speaker 1: not for evil? You know? But he gets angry, he
Speaker 1: gets frustrated, he yells, So I like hearing your vocabulary
Speaker 1: in your words. Yeah, I'm not willing. I think as
Speaker 1: a child, when I was doing something that my parents
Speaker 1: didn't like, it really felt like a right or wrong
Speaker 1: and not. We're just different and helping me find a
Speaker 1: way to cultivate who I am in a more healthy way.
Speaker 1: And so for her, I don't ever want her to
Speaker 1: feel like her anger is bad. And maybe there will
Speaker 1: be relationships where that's acceptable. I don't know, it's your life.
Speaker 1: I'm letting you know that I'm not willing to deal
Speaker 1: with that. And also she doesn't want to be spoken
Speaker 1: to like that. I know that, I know that she
Speaker 1: really does value effective communication, so I think that she's
Speaker 1: also unsafe in those moments. I don't even want to
Speaker 1: allow her to lean into that part of her where
Speaker 1: it's okay to talk to me like that. So I
Speaker 1: gotta go so you can stay safe as well. We
Speaker 1: have to get into so much respect stuff. I can't
Speaker 1: wait on. Cameron Rogers Freckled, Foodie and Friends podcast guys
Speaker 1: were just quoting other great podcasts. Um you mentioned that
Speaker 1: your older daughters she got older, which we were discussing
Speaker 1: that you noticed that you didn't feel respected by her
Speaker 1: and that you weren't being taken seriously, tell us what
Speaker 1: that looked like in your iusehold. It looked like her
Speaker 1: having a hard time upholding that values that we agreed on.
Speaker 1: Was she calling you names? Was she hitting your body?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, like the I hate you and like
Speaker 1: trying to hit and all of that. Yeah, ship, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is what's coming down the pipe for me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and it had never been that. What age did that occur?
Speaker 1: She's nine now, so like eight and a half. This
Speaker 1: is a recent change. Oh shit, Okay, this is new. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is new. Well the four year old, the four
Speaker 1: year old has been that, like, she's been fiery and
Speaker 1: want to hit out of Yeah, so it's been that way,
Speaker 1: but this is new for the nine year old. Okay,
Speaker 1: So how have you been working on this? How the
Speaker 1: hell do we get our children to respect us? Because
Speaker 1: I already see it going this way. My son doesn't
Speaker 1: do disrespectful ship to his dad because he's afraid. When
Speaker 1: his dad lays down a boundary, it is set. And
Speaker 1: when I lay down a boundary, it is my own fault.
Speaker 1: I'm wishy washy, I'm really loving. It's super hard for me.
Speaker 1: I'm such a hippie and my son smells it out.
Speaker 1: And so that's not the same in every household. I'm
Speaker 1: sure it's the other way around in some household. You
Speaker 1: know whatever, But what do you do? How are you
Speaker 1: working on respect with Kennedy? So for me, intention is
Speaker 1: about preparation, and we don't wait till game day to practice.
Speaker 1: Once we're in the thick of it, she's piste off,
Speaker 1: you have to ride the wave and do all that
Speaker 1: breathing and all that ship and I'm not willing that's
Speaker 1: what you have to do in the heat of the moment.
Speaker 1: But it really is about prevention. Those calming tools. We
Speaker 1: have to practice those things on a regular basis. We
Speaker 1: have to practice effective communication and be intentional about it.
Speaker 1: We can't just go through the day. We have to
Speaker 1: actually give her space to feel empowered so she doesn't
Speaker 1: always feel the need to take that power back. And
Speaker 1: so for me, that is intentional connection making her feel safe,
Speaker 1: having conversations with her about her peaceful place, or or
Speaker 1: will do deep breaths or whatever just to make her
Speaker 1: feel safe on a regular basis, so that in the
Speaker 1: moment when she's piste off, she can recall those things
Speaker 1: like hey, I see where this is going, like, let's
Speaker 1: try this, let's take a deep breath. If if they
Speaker 1: don't practice those kind of things, that don't practice tension
Speaker 1: and release or whatever, to call on them when because
Speaker 1: I can't write in regular, normal calm moments of boredom,
Speaker 1: what are other things you do? You do deep breathing.
Speaker 1: So at night is typically when we do our practice,
Speaker 1: and so for me, it's all about her processing and
Speaker 1: integrating experiences with emotion in a healthy way. And so
Speaker 1: we'll do like nopes and dopes where we go over
Speaker 1: her day and we talk about the good things that happened,
Speaker 1: and we talked about the negative things that happen, and
Speaker 1: she can process a negative experience in a healthy way.
Speaker 1: She'll tell me what happened, She'll tell me how she
Speaker 1: felt about it, She'll tell me what she wished had happened.
Speaker 1: And that is what I would like for her to do.
Speaker 1: In a moment, something can happen. She can feel the feelings,
Speaker 1: she can say what she wish happened, and we can
Speaker 1: move forward. So we'll practice that at night when she
Speaker 1: snuggled up with me, she's calm, she she's regulated. Maybe
Speaker 1: we'll do some affirmations. But I'm really big on allowing
Speaker 1: the emotional part of her brain to connect with the
Speaker 1: rational part of her brain on a consistent basis, so
Speaker 1: that way she can recall that the moment, because I
Speaker 1: don't recall when I was a kid, like talking about
Speaker 1: my experiences, said my parents. No, I don't either, but
Speaker 1: you know, my I look back and my god, my
Speaker 1: dad did a really good job. We had Dr Dan
Speaker 1: Siegel on the podcast Amazing Amazing, and he was talking
Speaker 1: a lot about the rupture and repairs. My dad didn't
Speaker 1: know he was doing this at the time. We have
Speaker 1: a great relationship and I think so much of it
Speaker 1: because if let's say I did something quote unquote bad
Speaker 1: or got sent to my room, it was something like,
Speaker 1: you have to go to your room and you have
Speaker 1: to think about what you've done because we're not happy
Speaker 1: with you at the moment. Whenever, and I would go
Speaker 1: to my room, but it only end it up. My
Speaker 1: memory is my dad on the end of my bed
Speaker 1: and he'd say, Okay, let's talk about it now, and
Speaker 1: then he would always end up crying because my dad's
Speaker 1: super emotionally available and he and then he would be like,
Speaker 1: can we have a hug, and I would say, yes,
Speaker 1: he had no idea what he was doing at the time,
Speaker 1: but it was these little repairs of all these little
Speaker 1: ruptures and so but I really do rely on that
Speaker 1: in my own life because I'm like, Okay, why did
Speaker 1: I fly off the handle yesterday? What happened? Oh? I
Speaker 1: hate getting my son dressed more than anything in the
Speaker 1: entire world. Okay, he hates getting dressed because he doesn't
Speaker 1: have autonomy, but he doesn't want him get him own
Speaker 1: self dressed. So most days he wears his pajamas. I
Speaker 1: don't give a ship. Sometimes it's too cold or the
Speaker 1: pajamas are just fucking dirty and he has to change them.
Speaker 1: While I'm getting him dressed, he'll try to like poke
Speaker 1: me in the nose or like poke me in the
Speaker 1: eye or something ridiculous because he's pissed that I'm getting undressed. Right, So,
Speaker 1: yesterday he poked me in the nose and his finger
Speaker 1: went really far up my nose and it really hurt,
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, Albie, oh my god, that
Speaker 1: really hurt. And then I just was like through his
Speaker 1: clothes on the floor and I was like, you do it.
Speaker 1: I can't. I cannot I get very frustrated when I'm
Speaker 1: getting you dressed because you make it difficult for me.
Speaker 1: It's not fun and I don't like it. This is
Speaker 1: literally how I'm talking to him. Thirty minutes later, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I got very frustrated while getting you dressed.
Speaker 1: I know you don't like getting dressed. I don't like
Speaker 1: getting you dressed. The whole thing is just it is,
Speaker 1: I guess, and I'm sorry. First of all, I had
Speaker 1: those moments, and yesterday we had the same moment like
Speaker 1: with the repair. Actually call like recaps. Oh that's good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm very big on I don't discipline in the moment.
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't teach you anything. It's not the land.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, this needs to be written on a
Speaker 1: something for my husband because the fact that he wants
Speaker 1: to make teachable moments while my son is having a
Speaker 1: conniption fit is so it's literally going against the current
Speaker 1: wasted energy of ridiculousness, like why, oh my god, and
Speaker 1: my husband wants to talk for like an hour to
Speaker 1: a four and a half year old and make him
Speaker 1: sit at the table. I do the same thing, though,
Speaker 1: I do the same thing, and I catched myself in
Speaker 1: the moment. It's not like, oh, I see she's having attention,
Speaker 1: just know, like halfway through, and I'm like, damn, this
Speaker 1: could have been over ten minutes ago, Like yes, we
Speaker 1: just shut the sunk up and this happened yesterday. We're
Speaker 1: at an arcade or whatever, and I'm just spent all
Speaker 1: this money because I've been in l A and I
Speaker 1: came back and I'm a sucker for my kids when
Speaker 1: I've been gone. I'm like, yes, let's just do all
Speaker 1: the things today. And we're about to leave. It's been
Speaker 1: such a good mood. And she sees a fitbit or
Speaker 1: something and she goes, can I get a fitbit? I
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, of course. She thought like yeah, of course,
Speaker 1: Like we're gonna go get one right now? Yeah, right right,
Speaker 1: And so she I just I got irritated at the handle. Well, no,
Speaker 1: it was very small. She was just like irritated, like frustrated.
Speaker 1: But I couldn't hide that I was frustrated with her frustration,
Speaker 1: and so I was like, sorry, kid, like it was
Speaker 1: very blah, and she just like lost it there just
Speaker 1: with emotions and doors sleeming and just mean words and
Speaker 1: all this stuff. And I just let her ride the
Speaker 1: wave about and when we got home, I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm not I couldn't in the car, but I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm not willing to let you talk to me like that.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you as much space as you need
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna be here. And I left the room
Speaker 1: and then she's like, mom, come in the room. And
Speaker 1: so we're sitting on the floor and once she's calmed down,
Speaker 1: the storm is calmed. Recaps are typically how I disciplined.
Speaker 1: So I'm like, hey, this is what happened, this is
Speaker 1: how you felt, this is how I felt. Here's where
Speaker 1: I messed up. Where do you think you could have
Speaker 1: done something differently? Usually those recaps are where she's more
Speaker 1: present and aware of what happened. We're the same way.
Speaker 1: If I'm arguing with you, don't tell me about myself.
Speaker 1: And then when I go home, I'm like, Ship, I
Speaker 1: should have said this, I should have said that, Like,
Speaker 1: why would we expect these small humans to be any different?
Speaker 1: She was able to say, Okay, I could have said this.
Speaker 1: I could have told you my feelings. We have very
Speaker 1: clear feeling statements. I feel blank, I need blank. And
Speaker 1: she was like, I could have used my feeling statement?
Speaker 1: What's a feeling statement? All the drama that's going on
Speaker 1: is really because of your feelings. So I'm just like,
Speaker 1: can you give me a feeling statement. You're not available
Speaker 1: for it. I will talk later. Feeling statement is I
Speaker 1: feel blank? I need blank, I feel sad, I need
Speaker 1: a minute, I feel angry. I need you to hear
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, or not even what somebody else can do.
Speaker 1: I need to say how I'm feeling. It's your message
Speaker 1: and this is your mess. What is the message up
Speaker 1: under all of your mess? Wow, this is so evolved
Speaker 1: and it's so hard. It's so hard. I keep explaining
Speaker 1: to people. I'm like, you think peaceful parenting and intentional parenting.
Speaker 1: I mean it would be easier to just throw them
Speaker 1: in the room and shut the door and say like
Speaker 1: you're grounded, or like no food for the night and
Speaker 1: go to bed without dinner, like whatever people did like
Speaker 1: back in the day. You know, But it's really really hard.
Speaker 1: But I do have to say I do like though,
Speaker 1: something my mom never did, which is like, if I
Speaker 1: get really angry, I say, I'm like, I'm feeling very
Speaker 1: very angry, and I need to go to my room
Speaker 1: and I don't want to see you. I need a break.
Speaker 1: But that's a boundary though, see see a lot of
Speaker 1: times we do rules like I'm angry, I need you
Speaker 1: to do this, I need you to do that, And
Speaker 1: why would we even give that much power? Sorry, kids,
Speaker 1: that's a that's just like not smart. It has to
Speaker 1: be a boundary interesting, so abound I. So a boundary
Speaker 1: is about you something I can control. A rule is
Speaker 1: something that you're trying to like make them do, which
Speaker 1: they can't write. Something else that was helpful from someone
Speaker 1: we had on the We had Betsy Brown Braun on
Speaker 1: the podcast at the beginning when I had my daughter
Speaker 1: who's a little over one, and he would be very
Speaker 1: rough with her in play and sort of testing the boundaries.
Speaker 1: How rough can I be with her? And I would say,
Speaker 1: instead of making him change his behavior, I would say, oh, oh,
Speaker 1: it sounds like Vera doesn't like the way that you're
Speaker 1: touching her body. So I'm going to pick her up
Speaker 1: and we're going to play on the other side of
Speaker 1: the room, and you're not going to play with us
Speaker 1: until you've regulated your body a little bit. And then
Speaker 1: he would freak out like, no, I want my star,
Speaker 1: you know, but it was really interesting instead of the opposite,
Speaker 1: which is what I think most parents do, which is
Speaker 1: like you can't hit her, you can't touch her like that.
Speaker 1: But what was cool was the consequence, if we're going
Speaker 1: to use that word, was that I would make you know,
Speaker 1: Vera would go play somewhere far away from him. What
Speaker 1: has been the biggest parenting cycle you found yourself guilty
Speaker 1: of having? Mmmm. It's really hard for me to apologize.
Speaker 1: It's so hard, especially since it's like, I'm so intentional.
Speaker 1: So when I mess up, I feel it, like I
Speaker 1: really really feel it. And of course I see that
Speaker 1: in my nine year old, but it's like it's so
Speaker 1: and she has a hard time apologizing to yep, that's
Speaker 1: my ship. Okay, so apologizing, how are you pushing through this?
Speaker 1: How are you working on it? She is allowed to
Speaker 1: hold me accountable, and any time I apologize and make
Speaker 1: sure that that is like clear, car me out of
Speaker 1: my ship, please do because I know that if it
Speaker 1: goes silent, I may or may not bring it back up,
Speaker 1: and I hate that that is the case. And so
Speaker 1: I'm like, this is a US working together situation. And
Speaker 1: anytime she calls me out of my stuff. I don't
Speaker 1: deny it. I'm just like, you're right, and I could
Speaker 1: do repair right in that moment, she God, she holds
Speaker 1: me accountable. I'm like, are you on my TikTok's or
Speaker 1: something like? Where is this language you've been coming from
Speaker 1: when you talk about respect your note? Where did you
Speaker 1: get that? That's my fun? I've been using that recently
Speaker 1: now because you know, I'm at the four and a
Speaker 1: half year old age where, like you know, I'm really
Speaker 1: trying to practice with myself only saying something once, which
Speaker 1: is really hard, you know, because I'll have to say
Speaker 1: something like, you know, please don't do that. That's not safe.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to do that. That's not safe.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to do that that's not safe.
Speaker 1: And and instead the second time I say, oh, I've
Speaker 1: already said that one more time, I'm not saying it again.
Speaker 1: Is that setting a boundary? I mean, if you're not
Speaker 1: going to say it again, that is definitely like you're
Speaker 1: in control of that, like you're in controller or not.
Speaker 1: It comes out. But then if they don't stop, then
Speaker 1: it's like, maybe we need a more intense boundary. Maybe
Speaker 1: I need to help right, exactly. Have there ever been
Speaker 1: moments where you accidentally didn't peaceful parent? I'm not a
Speaker 1: peaceful person, of course, how do you How did you
Speaker 1: give me an example? So I'm very sarcastic, and the sarcasm,
Speaker 1: for me, it comes out when she's angry, and I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: I feel like sarcasm is a lower form of anger,
Speaker 1: Like it's just it's just like you're not using your
Speaker 1: feeling statements, man. And so sometimes when she's like sticking
Speaker 1: her tongue out of me or something like that doesn't
Speaker 1: bother me. Like it's like that's not helpful. I'll say
Speaker 1: stuff like that or like, of course, like that's so childish,
Speaker 1: Like I'll say stuff like that, and I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is not helping. At this point, the sarcasm just pushed
Speaker 1: her over the edge and we're in the middle of
Speaker 1: the crap. And I've done that too. I've done that too.
Speaker 1: So you say something to her like what, yeah, you
Speaker 1: stuck you're talking at me? What do you think you
Speaker 1: think that bothers me? I don't care, right, So you
Speaker 1: said something like that, and then what do you do?
Speaker 1: That wasn't okay? That was not okay? That was not okay,
Speaker 1: you're having your moment, but I'm in control of my
Speaker 1: behavior and that wasn't okay. You don't deserve that. Or
Speaker 1: I'll say things like, even when you're having a hard time,
Speaker 1: I love you, and you still deserve my respect. Even
Speaker 1: that's really good. Even if you're having a hard time,
Speaker 1: I still love you. You still deserve my respect. You
Speaker 1: still deserve your respect. Right now, I'm still going to
Speaker 1: respect you. I'm not going to disrespect you. I still
Speaker 1: have enough compassion. You know, these kids are sponges and
Speaker 1: they model everything. So you're neuron that she's learning to
Speaker 1: be able to do that to you. Oh god, that's
Speaker 1: so hard. But sometimes they don't have the availability for
Speaker 1: that though. Sometimes I'll be like I love you, you know,
Speaker 1: Mommy loves you, and she's like, no, you don't know,
Speaker 1: you don't. I'm like, it would be not intentional parenting
Speaker 1: to keep going down that lane. When she's not receptive
Speaker 1: to compassion. It's like, that's when I just get quiet,
Speaker 1: and that's when I just let her ride the wave
Speaker 1: for emotions. Ride the wave. Yeah, that's when you have
Speaker 1: to trust that mom gut where you're like, is this
Speaker 1: something that I can go down. But you know when
Speaker 1: you're like, Nope, this is just another one of those
Speaker 1: times where we're just gonna ride this out. Okay, tell
Speaker 1: us about hitting. We talked about hitting a lot you
Speaker 1: just did. I was just watching you talk about hitting,
Speaker 1: which I thought was so helpful. Um, tell us an
Speaker 1: example of how you would peacefully parent through a hitting scenario.
Speaker 1: Let's say kids hitting you. I have parents in my
Speaker 1: in my kids nur's through school, their kids kicked them,
Speaker 1: hit them, blah blah blah. Explain how you handle this
Speaker 1: the four year old would if I let her. I'm
Speaker 1: sure she's a firebird times a thousand. But so for me,
Speaker 1: there's three elements. So there's compassion, their safety, and then
Speaker 1: there's clear limits. And so I'll start with safety. Whoever
Speaker 1: is getting hit no longer needs to get hit, and
Speaker 1: I'm very intentional about whatever I have to do to
Speaker 1: make sure that doesn't happen. So I will hold your hands,
Speaker 1: I will put you on another side of the door
Speaker 1: and communicate with you. I will ask the other person
Speaker 1: to leave. Like if she was hitting her sister, I'm like,
Speaker 1: you're nine, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Speaker 1: Don't just sit there, like, get that boom go so
Speaker 1: I can do it with your sister. Um, so I'll
Speaker 1: create safety. And then I have to have compassion. And
Speaker 1: so if I'm holding your hands and I'm angry, I
Speaker 1: can't say anything like I have to get back present
Speaker 1: and calm myself down because I don't want to model
Speaker 1: what I'm telling you not to do. You need to
Speaker 1: feel safe as well. Everybody has to feel safe. And
Speaker 1: then after that's happened, then we set a clear limit.
Speaker 1: I'm not willing to let you hit me. I'm not
Speaker 1: willing to do that. I would love to sit here
Speaker 1: with you, and you can let me know when I
Speaker 1: can let your hands to go and when we can
Speaker 1: invite your sister back in. That's great, And you try
Speaker 1: to stay I'm sure incredibly calm with your voice and
Speaker 1: your body and things like that, which is it's really hard.
Speaker 1: Like when things get physical and they're screaming and there's crying,
Speaker 1: it tends to bring everyone's energy to match that level.
Speaker 1: And I have to practice a lot of just like
Speaker 1: having hopefully him mirror that I'm calm. If he's like
Speaker 1: hitting and things like that, do you leave the room.
Speaker 1: You can't do I leave the room. Yeah, people are
Speaker 1: so scared to leave the room and I can't, Like
Speaker 1: it's like time out. It's like that's not in that
Speaker 1: in that situation, if you're disregulated, like it's okay, so
Speaker 1: leave the room. Oh yeah, Like I have totally left
Speaker 1: the room and I go and sit in a chair
Speaker 1: like not him, And then he comes over and he's
Speaker 1: like what's going on? He's like so confused, which is
Speaker 1: like better. So you offer tons of parental strategy classes
Speaker 1: and recordings on your website that focus on, you know, tantrums, defy,
Speaker 1: in respect. Can you give us a sneak just a lead,
Speaker 1: a sneak peak strategy for each like defiance? Tell us
Speaker 1: what would be a strategy if your kid is super defiant,
Speaker 1: Like let's say I'm not getting in the car seat. Man,
Speaker 1: it's like a constant toddler thing. The smallest are literally
Speaker 1: like my favorite because the solution is just always like
Speaker 1: play and that's so hard for us to access because
Speaker 1: we're just such big adults. But the more you can
Speaker 1: lean into playful energy, the easier it is to get
Speaker 1: them to cooperate. So there's a book, Um, I think
Speaker 1: it's called Playful Parenting. But it just has so many
Speaker 1: strategies about it, and so I love to use transitions,
Speaker 1: but they have to be playful. So are we going
Speaker 1: to be dinosaurs while we get into the car? Do
Speaker 1: I need to empower you? Do? I give you a
Speaker 1: choice of how you get into the car? Literally, if
Speaker 1: it's a yes or no, they're gonna pick now. So
Speaker 1: I always give two options. Do you want to put
Speaker 1: your seat bet on like the big car? Or do
Speaker 1: you want me to put your seat bet on? Something
Speaker 1: like that with their brain is off of do I
Speaker 1: want to or do I not want to get into
Speaker 1: the car seat. I always use redirections, playful transitions with
Speaker 1: the smaller kids because they just love play and they
Speaker 1: love to feel empowered. They're like the tiny emperor. Yes,
Speaker 1: if I give you choices, they're like, oh, I get
Speaker 1: to pick one. Another thing I do that's really empowering
Speaker 1: is that I like have imaginary conversations about what they're
Speaker 1: not capable of doing, and my four year old is like,
Speaker 1: I have to prove you wrong. It works really well
Speaker 1: with her getting dressed. I'm like, do you not know
Speaker 1: that I used this on you fifty times this week already?
Speaker 1: What can you give us an example, Yeah, so I
Speaker 1: like use her stuffies and I'll be like, you know, like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, this girl, like she totally can't get
Speaker 1: herself dressed, and the other stuff. He's like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't think she can get her self dressed. And she'll
Speaker 1: be getting herself dress. I got this from the book,
Speaker 1: she beginning herself dress. And I'll be like, see she's
Speaker 1: totally not getting dressed, just completely ignoring that she's doing it,
Speaker 1: and would be like, she's got five seconds left, she
Speaker 1: doesn't get dressed. We're at of here, and she's just like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, the shirts on backers. But she's dressed
Speaker 1: and we're out of the door. It was painfree. She
Speaker 1: feels good about it, and we didn't have to struggle
Speaker 1: over a T shirt for the past forty five minutes.
Speaker 1: So anything that makes them feel excited, joy, playful, or
Speaker 1: empowered a lot of times is a lot easier. This
Speaker 1: one is big for me. How do you get I
Speaker 1: give us a sneak peek of getting your child not
Speaker 1: to walk all over you. Boundaries, It's it's boundaries. It
Speaker 1: really is boundaries. But also boundaries has to be a
Speaker 1: part of the conversation. Like my kids know the word boundaries,
Speaker 1: probably use it every single day, and allowing them to
Speaker 1: the space to set boundaries and to have as much
Speaker 1: authority over themselves as possible so that they don't have
Speaker 1: to take power and take control, and so that conversation
Speaker 1: of these are our values, these are the boundaries. What
Speaker 1: are you not willing to do? What am I not
Speaker 1: willing to do? And so that we can come back
Speaker 1: to a conversation that we're repeatedly having because the playful
Speaker 1: stuff doesn't work. The order that they get it really
Speaker 1: has to be rooted in the value system and returning
Speaker 1: to that. You know, when your child is four and
Speaker 1: a half and they can't do a lot of things
Speaker 1: for themselves yet, like they can't get the orange juice,
Speaker 1: they can't, you know, get the cup they want, they can't.
Speaker 1: And my son wants things very specifically, you know, he's
Speaker 1: got a big independent mind where it's like, Nope, I
Speaker 1: don't want the blue cup. I want the green cup
Speaker 1: with the orange top. And I give it to him
Speaker 1: and he's like, I said the orange top. And it
Speaker 1: comes across at a certain point really fucking rude, Like
Speaker 1: I'm like, stop fucking ordering me around, get me this,
Speaker 1: I want this, I need this. Get me that I
Speaker 1: said this, Mom, I said this is literally he's for
Speaker 1: So sometimes I'll say things like, oh, how I don't
Speaker 1: I don't like the way that sounds in my ear.
Speaker 1: It's okay, great, it sounds like you want something and
Speaker 1: you need something, but I don't like the way that
Speaker 1: it sounded in my ear, you know. And then he'll
Speaker 1: switch it up to like, please, mom, can I have
Speaker 1: the blah blah blah blah? And I'm like, oh, great,
Speaker 1: thank you. What other tips and tricks for that? Because
Speaker 1: to me, is he rude? Is he disrespectful? I don't know.
Speaker 1: You don't like it though, that matters, but you don't
Speaker 1: like it and you're not willing to be spoken to
Speaker 1: like that, right, And so I definitely think that it's
Speaker 1: like I do that playful stuff. I'm just like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, Like there's just like this weird buzzing. I
Speaker 1: wish I could hear you better, but it's just like
Speaker 1: it's just bucking or the the airplane, like your your
Speaker 1: plane is not landing? Could you land it with a police?
Speaker 1: Something like that. But again, it's that that practice and
Speaker 1: role playing. Okay, I'm gonna be you, and I'm just
Speaker 1: show you how I ask for a drink. We say,
Speaker 1: may I or whatever you know makes sense in your
Speaker 1: value system. But I don't have to respond. I don't
Speaker 1: have to get you the drink because you spoke to
Speaker 1: me like that and and that's okay, and then we
Speaker 1: deal with the big feelings that you have about it,
Speaker 1: and then we come back to it and we try again.
Speaker 1: I think that life does have consequences, and people do
Speaker 1: react or respond based off of how you treat them,
Speaker 1: how you talk to them. So for me, I'm probably
Speaker 1: not gonna respond that somebody barking barking orders at me.
Speaker 1: I can get you the cup and just give you
Speaker 1: like a friend you reminder. But if it's like real
Speaker 1: soft there and it's real attitude, everything can pause and
Speaker 1: we can talk about it like, hey, I'm right here.
Speaker 1: You remember how you like me to talk to you
Speaker 1: give them that calm, because if we react like who
Speaker 1: we talked to, they're just gonna meet us there yeah,
Speaker 1: or he just like quickly, I'll get it all. They'll
Speaker 1: be like, oh, it sounds like you're barking in order
Speaker 1: at me, and I I'm like, oh, is someone the
Speaker 1: king of the castle like, I'm just excuse me. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that's good. Oh that's good. Yeah. My mom used to
Speaker 1: say when I was little, she'd be like, oh, oh,
Speaker 1: are you talking to me? And then I'd be like no,
Speaker 1: and You're like, oh, I didn't think so hilarious, Okay. Um.
Speaker 1: A lot of this, I think is in power struggles.
Speaker 1: Like a lot of that is power struggles because sometimes
Speaker 1: I'll say, you know, I'm the boss. My son will
Speaker 1: freaking cry. He'll be like, You're not the boss. I'm
Speaker 1: the boss. I'm not even kidding, and I'm like, no, honey,
Speaker 1: Like there's just some things I say to him. I'm like, look,
Speaker 1: they're just something because you're not gonna be able to
Speaker 1: do until you're an adult. You can't use potty words,
Speaker 1: you can't drive a car, you can't drink mommy's wine.
Speaker 1: But how do you deal with power struggles? Well, first
Speaker 1: of all, you can't do it, don't. So I'm always
Speaker 1: leading with the well, this is what we can do,
Speaker 1: because that's super empowering. Yeah, Like there's always some sort
Speaker 1: of a yes, and I really want my children to
Speaker 1: just feel that way about life. Number one. But number two,
Speaker 1: it's a lot of the things that we expect our
Speaker 1: children to be able to do, they're not really able
Speaker 1: to do it. We have really high expectations of children
Speaker 1: that just aren't developmentally realistic. And so for me, it's
Speaker 1: it's about I have all the power. When they're small,
Speaker 1: they literally need you to do everything to Yeah, and
Speaker 1: then it goes into like a wee, it's a sharing
Speaker 1: of power. I'm not powering over you, I'm not powering
Speaker 1: under you. And then it becomes an allowing and allowing
Speaker 1: you to have power. And so I'm very clear with
Speaker 1: my nine year old we're a team. So it's very
Speaker 1: much how can I help you? Anytime we're like this,
Speaker 1: it's us against each other, and I'm like, okay, let's
Speaker 1: turn this towards the problem. Like it's not you won't
Speaker 1: get up, it's you're having a hard time you're getting up?
Speaker 1: Is there anything that you need? How can I help you?
Speaker 1: Do you want to brush your teeth together? So like
Speaker 1: in the morning, like, yeah, exactly can I help you?
Speaker 1: How can I help you? Yeah? Exactly? Or or just
Speaker 1: what do you need? Because I understand and get that
Speaker 1: at nine years old, she hasn't even practiced this enough
Speaker 1: for it to be a habit, whether she's a morning
Speaker 1: person or not. And I can either leave it up
Speaker 1: to her and she has a terrible mourning and then
Speaker 1: terrible morning after terrible morning and she doesn't feel empowered,
Speaker 1: or I can do what I'm here to do, which
Speaker 1: is to help and God lead her towards actually being
Speaker 1: able to have the autonomy to be an adult that
Speaker 1: can get herself up and do it on her own.
Speaker 1: I have learned so much today, Destiny at what you're
Speaker 1: doing is so helpful, and I would dare say like revolutionary,
Speaker 1: Like I just really think that, like this work is
Speaker 1: really fucking important if we're going to do our job
Speaker 1: of hopefully raising humans that contribute to society in positive, peaceful,
Speaker 1: freeing and connective using your values ways, I just think
Speaker 1: it really starts with us. And I think the work
Speaker 1: you're doing and the people that you're reaching gives me
Speaker 1: a lot of hope. And I just think you're wonderful
Speaker 1: and you're doing such a great job. And those girls
Speaker 1: are so lucky to have you as a mom My. God, girl,
Speaker 1: are you doing a good job? A good job, girl,
Speaker 1: You're doing a good job. That's the censor. Girl, You're
Speaker 1: doing a good job girl, You're doing a good job.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Destiny, you are amazing and Um,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for coming on Katie's Crib. Thank
Speaker 1: you for having me. Thank you guys so much for
Speaker 1: listening to today's episode. I want to hear from you.
Speaker 1: Let's chat questions, comments, concerns. Let me know. You can
Speaker 1: always find me at Katie's Crib at Shonda land dot com.
Speaker 1: Katie's Crib is a production of Shonda Land Audio in
Speaker 1: partnership with I heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shonda
Speaker 1: Land Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.