1 00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:03,119 Speaker 1: Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio 2 00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:06,080 Speaker 1: in partnership with I Heart Radio. Girl, are you doing 3 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: a good job? Job? Good job, girl, You're doing a 4 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:19,800 Speaker 1: good job. That's the censer of the kids. Girl. You're 5 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:30,680 Speaker 1: doing a good job. Girl, You're doing a good job. Hi, everybody, 6 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:34,239 Speaker 1: welcome back to Katie's Crib. I am such a personal 7 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 1: fan of Today's guest. I spent a lot of time 8 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:40,960 Speaker 1: on Instagram watching her genius, but really, her genius is 9 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,680 Speaker 1: seen a lot on TikTok. Her name is Destiny Ann. 10 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,599 Speaker 1: She's amazing. She's a single millennial mom who promotes peaceful 11 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,800 Speaker 1: and positive parenting on her TikTok, where she has more 12 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:56,400 Speaker 1: than one freaking million viewers through heartfelt and hilarious videos 13 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,720 Speaker 1: and advice. She works to help other parents out there 14 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,440 Speaker 1: connect with their kids and now advigate family life, and 15 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: some of her most popular videos are about phrases such 16 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,559 Speaker 1: as bitch, You're doing a good job. Destiny also offers 17 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,840 Speaker 1: parental strategy classes that tackle hard topics such as how 18 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:15,559 Speaker 1: to avoid power struggles and meltdowns. Inside Notes Destiny, These 19 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,720 Speaker 1: are definitely one of these episodes where I'm going to 20 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: personally ask you, like a lot of questions about my 21 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,680 Speaker 1: own life and my own child so that you can 22 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:28,560 Speaker 1: help me. Welcome to Katie's crab Destiny. Yeah, I'm so 23 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,920 Speaker 1: exciting to be here. First of all, I'm not as 24 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: nearly as cool as you made me sound, but you 25 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:38,160 Speaker 1: are so cool and such a good parent. Oh God, 26 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:42,920 Speaker 1: tell my kids before we get to your empire on 27 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 1: social media. How did you find yourself peaceful parenting? Like, 28 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,800 Speaker 1: how did you even know to do that? I don't 29 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: think I knew to do it. I just was like 30 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,480 Speaker 1: a really like quote unquote bad kid. And so I 31 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,680 Speaker 1: had a terrible relationship just with my parents. There were 32 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:00,960 Speaker 1: such good parents, but it was just so much going on, 33 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,760 Speaker 1: and I was like, I don't want my kid to 34 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 1: feel the way that I felt, and I don't want 35 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 1: to feel as a parent the way that my parents felt. 36 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,480 Speaker 1: And so my background was in developmental psychology, very much 37 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:15,639 Speaker 1: like sticker charts and you know, potty training and get 38 00:02:15,639 --> 00:02:18,280 Speaker 1: the kid to change the behavior. And when we were 39 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,080 Speaker 1: in the thick of parenting, when my daughter was like 40 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:24,600 Speaker 1: five or six, that ship wasn't working. So like, okay, 41 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:27,120 Speaker 1: there's two people in this relationship. We focused all the 42 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 1: energy on her behavior. Maybe I could contribute a little bit. 43 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 1: And that's kind of what started my journey of holy crap, Wow, 44 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 1: when you say that you were a bad kid, like, 45 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,359 Speaker 1: what do you mean? Like meaning like you talked back, 46 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:46,239 Speaker 1: you were rebellious, getting in trouble, grounded a lot. What 47 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,640 Speaker 1: was explained. Yeah, so I had the bad kid label. 48 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:52,720 Speaker 1: So I was very much, very mouthy, just always talking back, 49 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,160 Speaker 1: super rebellious. I mean like stuff that you'd be like, 50 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:56,960 Speaker 1: there's no way you did that in middle school. I've 51 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,600 Speaker 1: done all the things I've done, Kittie, I've done all 52 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 1: the things. If you're thinking I did it, and I 53 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:07,799 Speaker 1: probably did it. I was a hell you in and 54 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,080 Speaker 1: I was a lot for my parents and know that, wow, 55 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,520 Speaker 1: and tell us how old are your kids now? Phoenix 56 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 1: is for, She's for? And then my nine year o 57 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,960 Speaker 1: Kennedy Okay, I had a very similar experience where I 58 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,120 Speaker 1: was going a real Rye method of parenting, which is 59 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 1: like Janet Landsbury an amazing, like such a great base 60 00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:30,760 Speaker 1: for my son until he was to where it was 61 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:35,040 Speaker 1: a lot of like independence and giving him a very 62 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,400 Speaker 1: long leash and letting him figure things out on his 63 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:42,400 Speaker 1: own and independent play and all these things, and then 64 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 1: once he started being the hitter on the playground, I 65 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,120 Speaker 1: was like, oh, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, Like, 66 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,400 Speaker 1: I don't know how to discipline. I don't know, and 67 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 1: in a loving way, I'm not talking like I I 68 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:59,200 Speaker 1: don't know how to set boundaries. And my god, everyone 69 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,040 Speaker 1: listening to this podcast asked to his children, you know, 70 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,400 Speaker 1: if there is ship that you haven't worked out about 71 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 1: your own self, it is going to rear its ugly 72 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,960 Speaker 1: fucking head times of thousand through your children as you 73 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:16,599 Speaker 1: so work on your ship, which me is boundaries. Oh good, Yeah, 74 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,839 Speaker 1: I was very permissive for a very long time. Oh 75 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,120 Speaker 1: really with your children. Yeah, I mean we have we 76 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 1: have the same like sort of backgrounds very much, just 77 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,760 Speaker 1: like this is your life. You're not here to complete 78 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 1: me like all of that, because I was very much 79 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:30,920 Speaker 1: misunderstood as a child. So I was like, my goal 80 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: is just to get you. I just want to get you. 81 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,039 Speaker 1: I want you to feel gotten. I'm not here to 82 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:38,520 Speaker 1: mold you. I'm here to unfold you, you know, And 83 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:43,280 Speaker 1: like now I'm just upshits creek. So tell me now, 84 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:46,719 Speaker 1: okay foraying a little bit, how did you establish your 85 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: brand as a peaceful parent on social media. That was 86 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 1: not a purpose at all. I was a business coach 87 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:55,719 Speaker 1: for hair Stylus, and so I've always worked with moms. 88 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,320 Speaker 1: They were just entrepreneurs that just so happened to be 89 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,680 Speaker 1: hair Stylus, and I it was like, I think I 90 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,440 Speaker 1: should make a TikTok and share this. And I got 91 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,080 Speaker 1: my daughter to show me how to make a TikTok 92 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,359 Speaker 1: and teach me what before you page was. And I 93 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,480 Speaker 1: made a video about like productivity and managing and balancing, 94 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,440 Speaker 1: and then I made a video that kind of went 95 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,920 Speaker 1: viral or whatever. But you're doing a good job that video. 96 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 1: I think. I started my TikTok last April and whenever 97 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 1: Mother's Day is is when I did the bit you're 98 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,920 Speaker 1: doing a good job video, And then it was like, 99 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:26,600 Speaker 1: all right, well let's talk more about parenting. And and 100 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:32,279 Speaker 1: that's why it's such a great follow everyone listening, because 101 00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 1: it is so organic, you know what I mean. Like, 102 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,880 Speaker 1: so it wasn't on purpose. It's sort of like my husband. 103 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,000 Speaker 1: My husband started this pretzel business during the pandemic similarly, 104 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,920 Speaker 1: but everything was sort of like he was falling backwards 105 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 1: into it, but all of a sudden, all of these 106 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:51,440 Speaker 1: things he was good at came together witnessing it in flow, 107 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,120 Speaker 1: which is how I feel when I watch your Instagram 108 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,160 Speaker 1: and your tiktoks and things like that. It's like it's 109 00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:02,360 Speaker 1: all so innately organically. I just press record. It's amazing. 110 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:07,520 Speaker 1: Can you tell us what is intentional parenting? Yeah? So 111 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,640 Speaker 1: I think a lot of us are walking around very 112 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,480 Speaker 1: unconscious of how our behaviors are playing out in the 113 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 1: relationship with our children. And so I don't really subscribe 114 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,200 Speaker 1: to Yes Sleep Trainer, do or don't. I don't really 115 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:21,000 Speaker 1: get into the behavior aspect. It's well, is how your 116 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 1: parenting intentional? Is it rooted in your values and not 117 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,919 Speaker 1: ego or fear or trauma or anything like that. And 118 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 1: so for me, intentional parenting is like I am unaware 119 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:34,520 Speaker 1: of the decisions I'm making, have a guide post, and 120 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,360 Speaker 1: I make meaningful repair and I get back on the train. 121 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 1: But it's it's based off of what I believe as 122 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:44,440 Speaker 1: a parent and literally nothing else. Wow. I had someone 123 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,480 Speaker 1: on the podcast, Oh gosh, you guys, this is where 124 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,640 Speaker 1: mom brain comes into play. Who is just like if 125 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,840 Speaker 1: you write your family values on the kitchen table, like, 126 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: what are they to you, you know, like it's a 127 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:58,039 Speaker 1: family value of mine that like, no matter what you have, 128 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,440 Speaker 1: your sister's back, Your sister has your back, Like that's 129 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,560 Speaker 1: how I was raised. My brother, we have each other, 130 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,400 Speaker 1: like if you fight or you're fighting a toy or whatever, 131 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 1: like we repair this relationship. You guys are family. You 132 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 1: guys come first from each other. That's how it goes. 133 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,720 Speaker 1: For example, that's like one value of my family. But 134 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:21,120 Speaker 1: intentional parenting is really not doing everything out of reaction. Yes, yes, 135 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 1: very very proactive. On Cindy Wang Brands Parenting Forward podcast. Yeah, 136 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 1: I mean amazing. You mentioned that you shifted into becoming 137 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:36,520 Speaker 1: a peaceful parent by using the self help industry therapy 138 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:40,040 Speaker 1: for example, to becoming more peaceful. Can you outline an 139 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,480 Speaker 1: example of this. Yeah. Absolutely, So I've done all the things, 140 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 1: like I'm in therapy now and I've done yes we 141 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,240 Speaker 1: we all are me and I don't love it. But 142 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:53,240 Speaker 1: I've also done group coaching, individual coaching. I believe very 143 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 1: very much in the power of transformation within a specific 144 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:00,120 Speaker 1: container and not doing it alone and getting support. And 145 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,480 Speaker 1: so around that time where I was like this is 146 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 1: permissive and the sticker charms aren't working, and whoa, she 147 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,040 Speaker 1: doesn't respect me. It was just a really difficult dark 148 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,480 Speaker 1: time for myself. And I was like, well, maybe she's 149 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,440 Speaker 1: just mirroring me right now, Like, let me start with me. 150 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 1: And so I did a program with I don't know 151 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 1: if you know who Preston Smiles is, but he was 152 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,040 Speaker 1: my first ever coach. He and his wife Alexi Pianos 153 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,960 Speaker 1: have amazing coaching programs, and I took his. It was 154 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 1: like fifty of us. It was an online program, and 155 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:30,960 Speaker 1: it was very much just like in the work, dealing 156 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:34,079 Speaker 1: with your edges, dealing with your trauma, your shadow, all 157 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,240 Speaker 1: of those things. I think for me that was really 158 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:40,440 Speaker 1: the beginning of the shift in my parenting journey. Was 159 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:44,080 Speaker 1: it a mirror effect? Could you see change immediately when 160 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,600 Speaker 1: you started working on yourself? Did things start to change 161 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,800 Speaker 1: with Kennedy? Absolutely? Absolutely? She was. I mean she was 162 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,200 Speaker 1: just more open and I have such an impact. She's 163 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,320 Speaker 1: such an EmPATH and so I cannot fake it. I 164 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 1: was just talking about this, Actually I cannot fake it 165 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,200 Speaker 1: with her. She knows and she's gonna mirror what. Ever, 166 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,720 Speaker 1: my energy actually is not what I'm trying to portrace. 167 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 1: I was like, oh crap, Like I actually have to 168 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,959 Speaker 1: feel better, like I have to be better. I can't 169 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:15,679 Speaker 1: just like turn why she's your daughter? And what was 170 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,240 Speaker 1: one of the things you focused on to become a 171 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:23,920 Speaker 1: peaceful parent? Definitely communication. Definitely the way that I communicate 172 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,600 Speaker 1: with my child is so very intentional now and having 173 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: intentional phrases or intentional processes because a lot of moments 174 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,880 Speaker 1: and parenting are actually pretty predictable. They hit us at 175 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,400 Speaker 1: the worst time. But we know or you know your kid. 176 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,439 Speaker 1: You know the things that they don't like to hear 177 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,800 Speaker 1: no to, you know when they're most tired. And so 178 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,840 Speaker 1: for me being able to be intentional about Okay, when 179 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 1: I pick her up from school, it can go one 180 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,760 Speaker 1: or two ways. Let me stop, get my energy together 181 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,679 Speaker 1: and be intentional about how I'm going to communicate with her. 182 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 1: Those things make such a difference in our day and 183 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,600 Speaker 1: in our relationship. Okay, so you pick her up from 184 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:04,559 Speaker 1: school and she's having the bad day. What her examples 185 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:08,680 Speaker 1: of how you communicate with her? Yeah, So with Kennedy, 186 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: it's all about listening. And I think his parents were 187 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:14,200 Speaker 1: like scientists, right, what's gonna work for you is not 188 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,680 Speaker 1: gonna work for me and my child And so I 189 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:20,040 Speaker 1: know that she just wants a listening ear, and she's 190 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:24,280 Speaker 1: so good at communication and emotional intelligence that it's almost 191 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,280 Speaker 1: a bad idea for me to give her the answer. 192 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,000 Speaker 1: She's gonna go the opposite way. So she really just 193 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,239 Speaker 1: needs to talk it out. I asked the right questions 194 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:33,960 Speaker 1: reflect back to her. Okay, so she said that to you, 195 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,560 Speaker 1: and how do you feel about that? Oh? Wow, you know, 196 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 1: just in that way and giving no advice and she 197 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:44,480 Speaker 1: winds up coming to the answer anyway. WHOA, you're like 198 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:50,240 Speaker 1: doing therapy. That's so cool. It's absolutely therapy with that one. 199 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:56,400 Speaker 1: That's so cool. Okay, so communication, listening, What specific thing 200 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 1: did you learn from your therapy that helped guide you? 201 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:06,640 Speaker 1: A big one this year has been like recognizing my 202 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:11,000 Speaker 1: relationship with anger and how I've had a really negative 203 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,880 Speaker 1: relationship with anger and just how it shows up and 204 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:18,360 Speaker 1: how like, I'm so uncomfortable when Kennedy gets angry, I'm 205 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,600 Speaker 1: so uncomfortable with it. And so either it's like fight 206 00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:24,320 Speaker 1: or flight, that's it. Now, when she gets angry, I 207 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,240 Speaker 1: it's not even about her. It's totally about me being 208 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:30,800 Speaker 1: comfortable with anger. And so that's me affirming or that's 209 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: me taking deep breaths or setting a boundary. I'm not 210 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:35,320 Speaker 1: willing to let you talk to me like this. So 211 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 1: I'm going to leave the room and I'm I'm gonna 212 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:39,480 Speaker 1: be right there whenever you're ready to talk to me 213 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,120 Speaker 1: the way that you liked that we talk to each other. Yeah, 214 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,080 Speaker 1: you know, I have a very similar thing. I'm very 215 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:48,520 Speaker 1: conflict diverse, and I was gifted a child who is 216 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:53,440 Speaker 1: um not And you know, it's really interesting for me 217 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:58,840 Speaker 1: to have a son who does get angry and does 218 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:03,719 Speaker 1: feel rage, and I see testosterone running like. He loves 219 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,080 Speaker 1: to play fight, he loves to beat the ship out 220 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,920 Speaker 1: of a pillow. He loves to take a pretend we 221 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:10,920 Speaker 1: don't have gun toys in the house, but he'll make 222 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,720 Speaker 1: one out of his fingers and you know whatever. And 223 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:19,560 Speaker 1: it's really been interesting for me to get comfortable with 224 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,840 Speaker 1: that is in him. That is part of who he is. 225 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:28,119 Speaker 1: And I'm creative, toxic masculinity, and I'm trying to accept 226 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,520 Speaker 1: and love all the parts of him and just understand 227 00:12:31,679 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 1: that how do I help him do this for good 228 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: not for evil? You know? But he gets angry, he 229 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:45,560 Speaker 1: gets frustrated, he yells, So I like hearing your vocabulary 230 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:48,640 Speaker 1: in your words. Yeah, I'm not willing. I think as 231 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,280 Speaker 1: a child, when I was doing something that my parents 232 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,360 Speaker 1: didn't like, it really felt like a right or wrong 233 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,840 Speaker 1: and not. We're just different and helping me find a 234 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,880 Speaker 1: way to cultivate who I am in a more healthy way. 235 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:01,760 Speaker 1: And so for her, I don't ever want her to 236 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,559 Speaker 1: feel like her anger is bad. And maybe there will 237 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:08,400 Speaker 1: be relationships where that's acceptable. I don't know, it's your life. 238 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,560 Speaker 1: I'm letting you know that I'm not willing to deal 239 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,240 Speaker 1: with that. And also she doesn't want to be spoken 240 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,720 Speaker 1: to like that. I know that, I know that she 241 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,439 Speaker 1: really does value effective communication, so I think that she's 242 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,000 Speaker 1: also unsafe in those moments. I don't even want to 243 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 1: allow her to lean into that part of her where 244 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,400 Speaker 1: it's okay to talk to me like that. So I 245 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,839 Speaker 1: gotta go so you can stay safe as well. We 246 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,960 Speaker 1: have to get into so much respect stuff. I can't 247 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:44,280 Speaker 1: wait on. Cameron Rogers Freckled, Foodie and Friends podcast guys 248 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:48,720 Speaker 1: were just quoting other great podcasts. Um you mentioned that 249 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,760 Speaker 1: your older daughters she got older, which we were discussing 250 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:55,240 Speaker 1: that you noticed that you didn't feel respected by her 251 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:58,800 Speaker 1: and that you weren't being taken seriously, tell us what 252 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:02,560 Speaker 1: that looked like in your iusehold. It looked like her 253 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:06,040 Speaker 1: having a hard time upholding that values that we agreed on. 254 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,920 Speaker 1: Was she calling you names? Was she hitting your body? 255 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, like the I hate you and like 256 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,840 Speaker 1: trying to hit and all of that. Yeah, ship, Okay, 257 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,920 Speaker 1: this is what's coming down the pipe for me. Yeah, 258 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 1: and it had never been that. What age did that occur? 259 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,480 Speaker 1: She's nine now, so like eight and a half. This 260 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:29,200 Speaker 1: is a recent change. Oh shit, Okay, this is new. Yeah, 261 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,000 Speaker 1: this is new. Well the four year old, the four 262 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,160 Speaker 1: year old has been that, like, she's been fiery and 263 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,800 Speaker 1: want to hit out of Yeah, so it's been that way, 264 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,600 Speaker 1: but this is new for the nine year old. Okay, 265 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:42,920 Speaker 1: So how have you been working on this? How the 266 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,040 Speaker 1: hell do we get our children to respect us? Because 267 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:49,000 Speaker 1: I already see it going this way. My son doesn't 268 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 1: do disrespectful ship to his dad because he's afraid. When 269 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,800 Speaker 1: his dad lays down a boundary, it is set. And 270 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 1: when I lay down a boundary, it is my own fault. 271 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:07,440 Speaker 1: I'm wishy washy, I'm really loving. It's super hard for me. 272 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,040 Speaker 1: I'm such a hippie and my son smells it out. 273 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,920 Speaker 1: And so that's not the same in every household. I'm 274 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,040 Speaker 1: sure it's the other way around in some household. You 275 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,480 Speaker 1: know whatever, But what do you do? How are you 276 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,560 Speaker 1: working on respect with Kennedy? So for me, intention is 277 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:25,880 Speaker 1: about preparation, and we don't wait till game day to practice. 278 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: Once we're in the thick of it, she's piste off, 279 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:29,560 Speaker 1: you have to ride the wave and do all that 280 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,120 Speaker 1: breathing and all that ship and I'm not willing that's 281 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,760 Speaker 1: what you have to do in the heat of the moment. 282 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:37,840 Speaker 1: But it really is about prevention. Those calming tools. We 283 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,280 Speaker 1: have to practice those things on a regular basis. We 284 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,400 Speaker 1: have to practice effective communication and be intentional about it. 285 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,800 Speaker 1: We can't just go through the day. We have to 286 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,760 Speaker 1: actually give her space to feel empowered so she doesn't 287 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,960 Speaker 1: always feel the need to take that power back. And 288 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:55,720 Speaker 1: so for me, that is intentional connection making her feel safe, 289 00:15:56,040 --> 00:16:00,360 Speaker 1: having conversations with her about her peaceful place, or or 290 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,760 Speaker 1: will do deep breaths or whatever just to make her 291 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,360 Speaker 1: feel safe on a regular basis, so that in the 292 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,200 Speaker 1: moment when she's piste off, she can recall those things 293 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,640 Speaker 1: like hey, I see where this is going, like, let's 294 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,480 Speaker 1: try this, let's take a deep breath. If if they 295 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,480 Speaker 1: don't practice those kind of things, that don't practice tension 296 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,600 Speaker 1: and release or whatever, to call on them when because 297 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:26,240 Speaker 1: I can't write in regular, normal calm moments of boredom, 298 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,280 Speaker 1: what are other things you do? You do deep breathing. 299 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 1: So at night is typically when we do our practice, 300 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,960 Speaker 1: and so for me, it's all about her processing and 301 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:40,120 Speaker 1: integrating experiences with emotion in a healthy way. And so 302 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,000 Speaker 1: we'll do like nopes and dopes where we go over 303 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,160 Speaker 1: her day and we talk about the good things that happened, 304 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,160 Speaker 1: and we talked about the negative things that happen, and 305 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,960 Speaker 1: she can process a negative experience in a healthy way. 306 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,640 Speaker 1: She'll tell me what happened, She'll tell me how she 307 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,760 Speaker 1: felt about it, She'll tell me what she wished had happened. 308 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,240 Speaker 1: And that is what I would like for her to do. 309 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,400 Speaker 1: In a moment, something can happen. She can feel the feelings, 310 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,480 Speaker 1: she can say what she wish happened, and we can 311 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,879 Speaker 1: move forward. So we'll practice that at night when she 312 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:09,440 Speaker 1: snuggled up with me, she's calm, she she's regulated. Maybe 313 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:13,680 Speaker 1: we'll do some affirmations. But I'm really big on allowing 314 00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,639 Speaker 1: the emotional part of her brain to connect with the 315 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:19,000 Speaker 1: rational part of her brain on a consistent basis, so 316 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:20,760 Speaker 1: that way she can recall that the moment, because I 317 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,919 Speaker 1: don't recall when I was a kid, like talking about 318 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,679 Speaker 1: my experiences, said my parents. No, I don't either, but 319 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,000 Speaker 1: you know, my I look back and my god, my 320 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:32,000 Speaker 1: dad did a really good job. We had Dr Dan 321 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:36,720 Speaker 1: Siegel on the podcast Amazing Amazing, and he was talking 322 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,800 Speaker 1: a lot about the rupture and repairs. My dad didn't 323 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,960 Speaker 1: know he was doing this at the time. We have 324 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:46,000 Speaker 1: a great relationship and I think so much of it 325 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:49,639 Speaker 1: because if let's say I did something quote unquote bad 326 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:53,000 Speaker 1: or got sent to my room, it was something like, 327 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:54,199 Speaker 1: you have to go to your room and you have 328 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,680 Speaker 1: to think about what you've done because we're not happy 329 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:58,280 Speaker 1: with you at the moment. Whenever, and I would go 330 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,800 Speaker 1: to my room, but it only end it up. My 331 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,760 Speaker 1: memory is my dad on the end of my bed 332 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,119 Speaker 1: and he'd say, Okay, let's talk about it now, and 333 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,480 Speaker 1: then he would always end up crying because my dad's 334 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: super emotionally available and he and then he would be like, 335 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,600 Speaker 1: can we have a hug, and I would say, yes, 336 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,240 Speaker 1: he had no idea what he was doing at the time, 337 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 1: but it was these little repairs of all these little 338 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:24,000 Speaker 1: ruptures and so but I really do rely on that 339 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:27,160 Speaker 1: in my own life because I'm like, Okay, why did 340 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,320 Speaker 1: I fly off the handle yesterday? What happened? Oh? I 341 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,280 Speaker 1: hate getting my son dressed more than anything in the 342 00:18:32,359 --> 00:18:36,639 Speaker 1: entire world. Okay, he hates getting dressed because he doesn't 343 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,840 Speaker 1: have autonomy, but he doesn't want him get him own 344 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 1: self dressed. So most days he wears his pajamas. I 345 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,080 Speaker 1: don't give a ship. Sometimes it's too cold or the 346 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:47,119 Speaker 1: pajamas are just fucking dirty and he has to change them. 347 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,280 Speaker 1: While I'm getting him dressed, he'll try to like poke 348 00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:51,040 Speaker 1: me in the nose or like poke me in the 349 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:55,040 Speaker 1: eye or something ridiculous because he's pissed that I'm getting undressed. Right, So, 350 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:57,160 Speaker 1: yesterday he poked me in the nose and his finger 351 00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,240 Speaker 1: went really far up my nose and it really hurt, 352 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,639 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, Albie, oh my god, that 353 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,919 Speaker 1: really hurt. And then I just was like through his 354 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,600 Speaker 1: clothes on the floor and I was like, you do it. 355 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 1: I can't. I cannot I get very frustrated when I'm 356 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,440 Speaker 1: getting you dressed because you make it difficult for me. 357 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 1: It's not fun and I don't like it. This is 358 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,680 Speaker 1: literally how I'm talking to him. Thirty minutes later, I'm like, 359 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,360 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I got very frustrated while getting you dressed. 360 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,480 Speaker 1: I know you don't like getting dressed. I don't like 361 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,919 Speaker 1: getting you dressed. The whole thing is just it is, 362 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,000 Speaker 1: I guess, and I'm sorry. First of all, I had 363 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,760 Speaker 1: those moments, and yesterday we had the same moment like 364 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:38,360 Speaker 1: with the repair. Actually call like recaps. Oh that's good. Yeah, 365 00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:40,919 Speaker 1: I'm very big on I don't discipline in the moment. 366 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,960 Speaker 1: I can't. I can't teach you anything. It's not the land. 367 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,080 Speaker 1: Oh my god, this needs to be written on a 368 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,800 Speaker 1: something for my husband because the fact that he wants 369 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,080 Speaker 1: to make teachable moments while my son is having a 370 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:56,280 Speaker 1: conniption fit is so it's literally going against the current 371 00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:02,480 Speaker 1: wasted energy of ridiculousness, like why, oh my god, and 372 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,320 Speaker 1: my husband wants to talk for like an hour to 373 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:05,600 Speaker 1: a four and a half year old and make him 374 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,199 Speaker 1: sit at the table. I do the same thing, though, 375 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,920 Speaker 1: I do the same thing, and I catched myself in 376 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,280 Speaker 1: the moment. It's not like, oh, I see she's having attention, 377 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,359 Speaker 1: just know, like halfway through, and I'm like, damn, this 378 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,119 Speaker 1: could have been over ten minutes ago, Like yes, we 379 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,720 Speaker 1: just shut the sunk up and this happened yesterday. We're 380 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,920 Speaker 1: at an arcade or whatever, and I'm just spent all 381 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,520 Speaker 1: this money because I've been in l A and I 382 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,880 Speaker 1: came back and I'm a sucker for my kids when 383 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,439 Speaker 1: I've been gone. I'm like, yes, let's just do all 384 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,600 Speaker 1: the things today. And we're about to leave. It's been 385 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,600 Speaker 1: such a good mood. And she sees a fitbit or 386 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,840 Speaker 1: something and she goes, can I get a fitbit? I 387 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,520 Speaker 1: was like, yeah, of course. She thought like yeah, of course, 388 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 1: Like we're gonna go get one right now? Yeah, right right, 389 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:45,080 Speaker 1: And so she I just I got irritated at the handle. Well, no, 390 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,040 Speaker 1: it was very small. She was just like irritated, like frustrated. 391 00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:50,720 Speaker 1: But I couldn't hide that I was frustrated with her frustration, 392 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,879 Speaker 1: and so I was like, sorry, kid, like it was 393 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,479 Speaker 1: very blah, and she just like lost it there just 394 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,960 Speaker 1: with emotions and doors sleeming and just mean words and 395 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,040 Speaker 1: all this stuff. And I just let her ride the 396 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,280 Speaker 1: wave about and when we got home, I was like, hey, 397 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 1: I'm not I couldn't in the car, but I was like, 398 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,480 Speaker 1: I'm not willing to let you talk to me like that. 399 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,480 Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you as much space as you need 400 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:09,960 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna be here. And I left the room 401 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,520 Speaker 1: and then she's like, mom, come in the room. And 402 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,880 Speaker 1: so we're sitting on the floor and once she's calmed down, 403 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:19,560 Speaker 1: the storm is calmed. Recaps are typically how I disciplined. 404 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,320 Speaker 1: So I'm like, hey, this is what happened, this is 405 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,840 Speaker 1: how you felt, this is how I felt. Here's where 406 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,760 Speaker 1: I messed up. Where do you think you could have 407 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:32,360 Speaker 1: done something differently? Usually those recaps are where she's more 408 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,560 Speaker 1: present and aware of what happened. We're the same way. 409 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 1: If I'm arguing with you, don't tell me about myself. 410 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,760 Speaker 1: And then when I go home, I'm like, Ship, I 411 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 1: should have said this, I should have said that, Like, 412 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,359 Speaker 1: why would we expect these small humans to be any different? 413 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:48,840 Speaker 1: She was able to say, Okay, I could have said this. 414 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,280 Speaker 1: I could have told you my feelings. We have very 415 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,720 Speaker 1: clear feeling statements. I feel blank, I need blank. And 416 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,440 Speaker 1: she was like, I could have used my feeling statement? 417 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:58,359 Speaker 1: What's a feeling statement? All the drama that's going on 418 00:21:58,480 --> 00:21:59,960 Speaker 1: is really because of your feelings. So I'm just like, 419 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,760 Speaker 1: can you give me a feeling statement. You're not available 420 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 1: for it. I will talk later. Feeling statement is I 421 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:09,080 Speaker 1: feel blank? I need blank, I feel sad, I need 422 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:12,120 Speaker 1: a minute, I feel angry. I need you to hear 423 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,040 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, or not even what somebody else can do. 424 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,120 Speaker 1: I need to say how I'm feeling. It's your message 425 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,800 Speaker 1: and this is your mess. What is the message up 426 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 1: under all of your mess? Wow, this is so evolved 427 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,040 Speaker 1: and it's so hard. It's so hard. I keep explaining 428 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:31,280 Speaker 1: to people. I'm like, you think peaceful parenting and intentional parenting. 429 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,040 Speaker 1: I mean it would be easier to just throw them 430 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,000 Speaker 1: in the room and shut the door and say like 431 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:39,600 Speaker 1: you're grounded, or like no food for the night and 432 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,439 Speaker 1: go to bed without dinner, like whatever people did like 433 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,680 Speaker 1: back in the day. You know, But it's really really hard. 434 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,600 Speaker 1: But I do have to say I do like though, 435 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,560 Speaker 1: something my mom never did, which is like, if I 436 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,600 Speaker 1: get really angry, I say, I'm like, I'm feeling very 437 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,880 Speaker 1: very angry, and I need to go to my room 438 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,399 Speaker 1: and I don't want to see you. I need a break. 439 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,800 Speaker 1: But that's a boundary though, see see a lot of 440 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,920 Speaker 1: times we do rules like I'm angry, I need you 441 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,560 Speaker 1: to do this, I need you to do that, And 442 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,480 Speaker 1: why would we even give that much power? Sorry, kids, 443 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:11,639 Speaker 1: that's a that's just like not smart. It has to 444 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:15,680 Speaker 1: be a boundary interesting, so abound I. So a boundary 445 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:19,080 Speaker 1: is about you something I can control. A rule is 446 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:22,200 Speaker 1: something that you're trying to like make them do, which 447 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:25,040 Speaker 1: they can't write. Something else that was helpful from someone 448 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:27,119 Speaker 1: we had on the We had Betsy Brown Braun on 449 00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:30,320 Speaker 1: the podcast at the beginning when I had my daughter 450 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:33,840 Speaker 1: who's a little over one, and he would be very 451 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:37,520 Speaker 1: rough with her in play and sort of testing the boundaries. 452 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:41,040 Speaker 1: How rough can I be with her? And I would say, 453 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:46,360 Speaker 1: instead of making him change his behavior, I would say, oh, oh, 454 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,520 Speaker 1: it sounds like Vera doesn't like the way that you're 455 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,479 Speaker 1: touching her body. So I'm going to pick her up 456 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,840 Speaker 1: and we're going to play on the other side of 457 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,520 Speaker 1: the room, and you're not going to play with us 458 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,239 Speaker 1: until you've regulated your body a little bit. And then 459 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:00,320 Speaker 1: he would freak out like, no, I want my star, 460 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,160 Speaker 1: you know, but it was really interesting instead of the opposite, 461 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,040 Speaker 1: which is what I think most parents do, which is 462 00:24:06,119 --> 00:24:08,600 Speaker 1: like you can't hit her, you can't touch her like that. 463 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,280 Speaker 1: But what was cool was the consequence, if we're going 464 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:13,760 Speaker 1: to use that word, was that I would make you know, 465 00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,680 Speaker 1: Vera would go play somewhere far away from him. What 466 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,720 Speaker 1: has been the biggest parenting cycle you found yourself guilty 467 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:27,919 Speaker 1: of having? Mmmm. It's really hard for me to apologize. 468 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,080 Speaker 1: It's so hard, especially since it's like, I'm so intentional. 469 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:36,040 Speaker 1: So when I mess up, I feel it, like I 470 00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:38,800 Speaker 1: really really feel it. And of course I see that 471 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:42,680 Speaker 1: in my nine year old, but it's like it's so 472 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:47,400 Speaker 1: and she has a hard time apologizing to yep, that's 473 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:51,520 Speaker 1: my ship. Okay, so apologizing, how are you pushing through this? 474 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,560 Speaker 1: How are you working on it? She is allowed to 475 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,440 Speaker 1: hold me accountable, and any time I apologize and make 476 00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,280 Speaker 1: sure that that is like clear, car me out of 477 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:04,040 Speaker 1: my ship, please do because I know that if it 478 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 1: goes silent, I may or may not bring it back up, 479 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,840 Speaker 1: and I hate that that is the case. And so 480 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:13,480 Speaker 1: I'm like, this is a US working together situation. And 481 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:15,960 Speaker 1: anytime she calls me out of my stuff. I don't 482 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:18,360 Speaker 1: deny it. I'm just like, you're right, and I could 483 00:25:18,359 --> 00:25:22,000 Speaker 1: do repair right in that moment, she God, she holds 484 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,000 Speaker 1: me accountable. I'm like, are you on my TikTok's or 485 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,919 Speaker 1: something like? Where is this language you've been coming from 486 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:27,800 Speaker 1: when you talk about respect your note? Where did you 487 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:31,800 Speaker 1: get that? That's my fun? I've been using that recently 488 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:33,680 Speaker 1: now because you know, I'm at the four and a 489 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,240 Speaker 1: half year old age where, like you know, I'm really 490 00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:42,240 Speaker 1: trying to practice with myself only saying something once, which 491 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 1: is really hard, you know, because I'll have to say 492 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,400 Speaker 1: something like, you know, please don't do that. That's not safe. 493 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:49,920 Speaker 1: I don't want you to do that. That's not safe. 494 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:51,320 Speaker 1: I don't want you to do that that's not safe. 495 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,440 Speaker 1: And and instead the second time I say, oh, I've 496 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:55,440 Speaker 1: already said that one more time, I'm not saying it again. 497 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,080 Speaker 1: Is that setting a boundary? I mean, if you're not 498 00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:01,200 Speaker 1: going to say it again, that is definitely like you're 499 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,119 Speaker 1: in control of that, like you're in controller or not. 500 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,280 Speaker 1: It comes out. But then if they don't stop, then 501 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:09,600 Speaker 1: it's like, maybe we need a more intense boundary. Maybe 502 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:14,399 Speaker 1: I need to help right, exactly. Have there ever been 503 00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:19,960 Speaker 1: moments where you accidentally didn't peaceful parent? I'm not a 504 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:23,119 Speaker 1: peaceful person, of course, how do you How did you 505 00:26:23,359 --> 00:26:29,480 Speaker 1: give me an example? So I'm very sarcastic, and the sarcasm, 506 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,280 Speaker 1: for me, it comes out when she's angry, and I'm like, okay, 507 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,760 Speaker 1: I feel like sarcasm is a lower form of anger, 508 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:37,399 Speaker 1: Like it's just it's just like you're not using your 509 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:40,720 Speaker 1: feeling statements, man. And so sometimes when she's like sticking 510 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,560 Speaker 1: her tongue out of me or something like that doesn't 511 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:47,280 Speaker 1: bother me. Like it's like that's not helpful. I'll say 512 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,879 Speaker 1: stuff like that or like, of course, like that's so childish, 513 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,720 Speaker 1: Like I'll say stuff like that, and I'm like, this 514 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,080 Speaker 1: is not helping. At this point, the sarcasm just pushed 515 00:26:54,119 --> 00:26:56,119 Speaker 1: her over the edge and we're in the middle of 516 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,440 Speaker 1: the crap. And I've done that too. I've done that too. 517 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,520 Speaker 1: So you say something to her like what, yeah, you 518 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:02,920 Speaker 1: stuck you're talking at me? What do you think you 519 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,359 Speaker 1: think that bothers me? I don't care, right, So you 520 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:06,800 Speaker 1: said something like that, and then what do you do? 521 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 1: That wasn't okay? That was not okay? That was not okay, 522 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,320 Speaker 1: you're having your moment, but I'm in control of my 523 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,159 Speaker 1: behavior and that wasn't okay. You don't deserve that. Or 524 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:18,120 Speaker 1: I'll say things like, even when you're having a hard time, 525 00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:22,440 Speaker 1: I love you, and you still deserve my respect. Even 526 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,119 Speaker 1: that's really good. Even if you're having a hard time, 527 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:29,280 Speaker 1: I still love you. You still deserve my respect. You 528 00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:31,399 Speaker 1: still deserve your respect. Right now, I'm still going to 529 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,560 Speaker 1: respect you. I'm not going to disrespect you. I still 530 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,399 Speaker 1: have enough compassion. You know, these kids are sponges and 531 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:41,080 Speaker 1: they model everything. So you're neuron that she's learning to 532 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:45,080 Speaker 1: be able to do that to you. Oh god, that's 533 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:48,080 Speaker 1: so hard. But sometimes they don't have the availability for 534 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,639 Speaker 1: that though. Sometimes I'll be like I love you, you know, 535 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:53,200 Speaker 1: Mommy loves you, and she's like, no, you don't know, 536 00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:56,520 Speaker 1: you don't. I'm like, it would be not intentional parenting 537 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,160 Speaker 1: to keep going down that lane. When she's not receptive 538 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:02,240 Speaker 1: to compassion. It's like, that's when I just get quiet, 539 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:04,640 Speaker 1: and that's when I just let her ride the wave 540 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:07,080 Speaker 1: for emotions. Ride the wave. Yeah, that's when you have 541 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:09,000 Speaker 1: to trust that mom gut where you're like, is this 542 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:11,800 Speaker 1: something that I can go down. But you know when 543 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:14,000 Speaker 1: you're like, Nope, this is just another one of those 544 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:26,560 Speaker 1: times where we're just gonna ride this out. Okay, tell 545 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,520 Speaker 1: us about hitting. We talked about hitting a lot you 546 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,840 Speaker 1: just did. I was just watching you talk about hitting, 547 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:36,119 Speaker 1: which I thought was so helpful. Um, tell us an 548 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,680 Speaker 1: example of how you would peacefully parent through a hitting scenario. 549 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 1: Let's say kids hitting you. I have parents in my 550 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,080 Speaker 1: in my kids nur's through school, their kids kicked them, 551 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,000 Speaker 1: hit them, blah blah blah. Explain how you handle this 552 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:51,280 Speaker 1: the four year old would if I let her. I'm 553 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:55,920 Speaker 1: sure she's a firebird times a thousand. But so for me, 554 00:28:56,080 --> 00:29:01,880 Speaker 1: there's three elements. So there's compassion, their safety, and then 555 00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:06,760 Speaker 1: there's clear limits. And so I'll start with safety. Whoever 556 00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:08,760 Speaker 1: is getting hit no longer needs to get hit, and 557 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:10,720 Speaker 1: I'm very intentional about whatever I have to do to 558 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:13,640 Speaker 1: make sure that doesn't happen. So I will hold your hands, 559 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:15,600 Speaker 1: I will put you on another side of the door 560 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:18,080 Speaker 1: and communicate with you. I will ask the other person 561 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:20,840 Speaker 1: to leave. Like if she was hitting her sister, I'm like, 562 00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:23,560 Speaker 1: you're nine, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 563 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:27,080 Speaker 1: Don't just sit there, like, get that boom go so 564 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,560 Speaker 1: I can do it with your sister. Um, so I'll 565 00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:32,160 Speaker 1: create safety. And then I have to have compassion. And 566 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:34,760 Speaker 1: so if I'm holding your hands and I'm angry, I 567 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:38,160 Speaker 1: can't say anything like I have to get back present 568 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:41,280 Speaker 1: and calm myself down because I don't want to model 569 00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:43,720 Speaker 1: what I'm telling you not to do. You need to 570 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,680 Speaker 1: feel safe as well. Everybody has to feel safe. And 571 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:50,280 Speaker 1: then after that's happened, then we set a clear limit. 572 00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:52,960 Speaker 1: I'm not willing to let you hit me. I'm not 573 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:55,120 Speaker 1: willing to do that. I would love to sit here 574 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,040 Speaker 1: with you, and you can let me know when I 575 00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:58,760 Speaker 1: can let your hands to go and when we can 576 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,680 Speaker 1: invite your sister back in. That's great, And you try 577 00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:04,400 Speaker 1: to stay I'm sure incredibly calm with your voice and 578 00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:08,680 Speaker 1: your body and things like that, which is it's really hard. 579 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:12,560 Speaker 1: Like when things get physical and they're screaming and there's crying, 580 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:17,760 Speaker 1: it tends to bring everyone's energy to match that level. 581 00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:20,280 Speaker 1: And I have to practice a lot of just like 582 00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:25,280 Speaker 1: having hopefully him mirror that I'm calm. If he's like 583 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:27,200 Speaker 1: hitting and things like that, do you leave the room. 584 00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:30,080 Speaker 1: You can't do I leave the room. Yeah, people are 585 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:31,640 Speaker 1: so scared to leave the room and I can't, Like 586 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:33,680 Speaker 1: it's like time out. It's like that's not in that 587 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,640 Speaker 1: in that situation, if you're disregulated, like it's okay, so 588 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:41,000 Speaker 1: leave the room. Oh yeah, Like I have totally left 589 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:42,520 Speaker 1: the room and I go and sit in a chair 590 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:44,160 Speaker 1: like not him, And then he comes over and he's 591 00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:47,880 Speaker 1: like what's going on? He's like so confused, which is 592 00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:53,080 Speaker 1: like better. So you offer tons of parental strategy classes 593 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:57,000 Speaker 1: and recordings on your website that focus on, you know, tantrums, defy, 594 00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:01,320 Speaker 1: in respect. Can you give us a sneak just a lead, 595 00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:07,239 Speaker 1: a sneak peak strategy for each like defiance? Tell us 596 00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:10,680 Speaker 1: what would be a strategy if your kid is super defiant, 597 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 1: Like let's say I'm not getting in the car seat. Man, 598 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,920 Speaker 1: it's like a constant toddler thing. The smallest are literally 599 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:20,320 Speaker 1: like my favorite because the solution is just always like 600 00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:23,040 Speaker 1: play and that's so hard for us to access because 601 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:25,520 Speaker 1: we're just such big adults. But the more you can 602 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:30,200 Speaker 1: lean into playful energy, the easier it is to get 603 00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:33,200 Speaker 1: them to cooperate. So there's a book, Um, I think 604 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:35,640 Speaker 1: it's called Playful Parenting. But it just has so many 605 00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:39,240 Speaker 1: strategies about it, and so I love to use transitions, 606 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,400 Speaker 1: but they have to be playful. So are we going 607 00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,360 Speaker 1: to be dinosaurs while we get into the car? Do 608 00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:44,840 Speaker 1: I need to empower you? Do? I give you a 609 00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:46,959 Speaker 1: choice of how you get into the car? Literally, if 610 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:48,800 Speaker 1: it's a yes or no, they're gonna pick now. So 611 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:50,680 Speaker 1: I always give two options. Do you want to put 612 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:52,240 Speaker 1: your seat bet on like the big car? Or do 613 00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:53,880 Speaker 1: you want me to put your seat bet on? Something 614 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:56,360 Speaker 1: like that with their brain is off of do I 615 00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:58,040 Speaker 1: want to or do I not want to get into 616 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:02,520 Speaker 1: the car seat. I always use redirections, playful transitions with 617 00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:05,360 Speaker 1: the smaller kids because they just love play and they 618 00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:07,920 Speaker 1: love to feel empowered. They're like the tiny emperor. Yes, 619 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,480 Speaker 1: if I give you choices, they're like, oh, I get 620 00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:13,560 Speaker 1: to pick one. Another thing I do that's really empowering 621 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:16,800 Speaker 1: is that I like have imaginary conversations about what they're 622 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:20,120 Speaker 1: not capable of doing, and my four year old is like, 623 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:22,080 Speaker 1: I have to prove you wrong. It works really well 624 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,240 Speaker 1: with her getting dressed. I'm like, do you not know 625 00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:27,160 Speaker 1: that I used this on you fifty times this week already? 626 00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,760 Speaker 1: What can you give us an example, Yeah, so I 627 00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:31,560 Speaker 1: like use her stuffies and I'll be like, you know, like, 628 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:33,760 Speaker 1: oh my god, this girl, like she totally can't get 629 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:36,040 Speaker 1: herself dressed, and the other stuff. He's like, yeah, I 630 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:37,600 Speaker 1: don't think she can get her self dressed. And she'll 631 00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:39,280 Speaker 1: be getting herself dress. I got this from the book, 632 00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,680 Speaker 1: she beginning herself dress. And I'll be like, see she's 633 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 1: totally not getting dressed, just completely ignoring that she's doing it, 634 00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:46,840 Speaker 1: and would be like, she's got five seconds left, she 635 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:48,600 Speaker 1: doesn't get dressed. We're at of here, and she's just like, 636 00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:50,680 Speaker 1: oh my god, the shirts on backers. But she's dressed 637 00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:53,600 Speaker 1: and we're out of the door. It was painfree. She 638 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,480 Speaker 1: feels good about it, and we didn't have to struggle 639 00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:58,520 Speaker 1: over a T shirt for the past forty five minutes. 640 00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:02,800 Speaker 1: So anything that makes them feel excited, joy, playful, or 641 00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:06,560 Speaker 1: empowered a lot of times is a lot easier. This 642 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:08,520 Speaker 1: one is big for me. How do you get I 643 00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:10,600 Speaker 1: give us a sneak peek of getting your child not 644 00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:15,200 Speaker 1: to walk all over you. Boundaries, It's it's boundaries. It 645 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:17,760 Speaker 1: really is boundaries. But also boundaries has to be a 646 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:21,040 Speaker 1: part of the conversation. Like my kids know the word boundaries, 647 00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:24,200 Speaker 1: probably use it every single day, and allowing them to 648 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:28,840 Speaker 1: the space to set boundaries and to have as much 649 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:31,800 Speaker 1: authority over themselves as possible so that they don't have 650 00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:35,080 Speaker 1: to take power and take control, and so that conversation 651 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,920 Speaker 1: of these are our values, these are the boundaries. What 652 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:40,080 Speaker 1: are you not willing to do? What am I not 653 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:42,320 Speaker 1: willing to do? And so that we can come back 654 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:46,520 Speaker 1: to a conversation that we're repeatedly having because the playful 655 00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:49,160 Speaker 1: stuff doesn't work. The order that they get it really 656 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,960 Speaker 1: has to be rooted in the value system and returning 657 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:54,640 Speaker 1: to that. You know, when your child is four and 658 00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:56,840 Speaker 1: a half and they can't do a lot of things 659 00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:59,880 Speaker 1: for themselves yet, like they can't get the orange juice, 660 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:03,800 Speaker 1: they can't, you know, get the cup they want, they can't. 661 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:07,920 Speaker 1: And my son wants things very specifically, you know, he's 662 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,239 Speaker 1: got a big independent mind where it's like, Nope, I 663 00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:12,439 Speaker 1: don't want the blue cup. I want the green cup 664 00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:14,480 Speaker 1: with the orange top. And I give it to him 665 00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,080 Speaker 1: and he's like, I said the orange top. And it 666 00:34:17,239 --> 00:34:21,520 Speaker 1: comes across at a certain point really fucking rude, Like 667 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:25,520 Speaker 1: I'm like, stop fucking ordering me around, get me this, 668 00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:28,200 Speaker 1: I want this, I need this. Get me that I 669 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:32,279 Speaker 1: said this, Mom, I said this is literally he's for 670 00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:37,439 Speaker 1: So sometimes I'll say things like, oh, how I don't 671 00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:39,480 Speaker 1: I don't like the way that sounds in my ear. 672 00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:43,200 Speaker 1: It's okay, great, it sounds like you want something and 673 00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:45,160 Speaker 1: you need something, but I don't like the way that 674 00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:47,160 Speaker 1: it sounded in my ear, you know. And then he'll 675 00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:48,920 Speaker 1: switch it up to like, please, mom, can I have 676 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:50,920 Speaker 1: the blah blah blah blah? And I'm like, oh, great, 677 00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:54,120 Speaker 1: thank you. What other tips and tricks for that? Because 678 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,800 Speaker 1: to me, is he rude? Is he disrespectful? I don't know. 679 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:01,319 Speaker 1: You don't like it though, that matters, but you don't 680 00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:03,640 Speaker 1: like it and you're not willing to be spoken to 681 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:07,200 Speaker 1: like that, right, And so I definitely think that it's 682 00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:09,319 Speaker 1: like I do that playful stuff. I'm just like, oh 683 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:11,360 Speaker 1: my god, Like there's just like this weird buzzing. I 684 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,200 Speaker 1: wish I could hear you better, but it's just like 685 00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:16,640 Speaker 1: it's just bucking or the the airplane, like your your 686 00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:18,800 Speaker 1: plane is not landing? Could you land it with a police? 687 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:22,400 Speaker 1: Something like that. But again, it's that that practice and 688 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:25,040 Speaker 1: role playing. Okay, I'm gonna be you, and I'm just 689 00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:27,719 Speaker 1: show you how I ask for a drink. We say, 690 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:30,480 Speaker 1: may I or whatever you know makes sense in your 691 00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:33,439 Speaker 1: value system. But I don't have to respond. I don't 692 00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:35,960 Speaker 1: have to get you the drink because you spoke to 693 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:38,400 Speaker 1: me like that and and that's okay, and then we 694 00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:40,120 Speaker 1: deal with the big feelings that you have about it, 695 00:35:40,280 --> 00:35:42,080 Speaker 1: and then we come back to it and we try again. 696 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:46,080 Speaker 1: I think that life does have consequences, and people do 697 00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:49,799 Speaker 1: react or respond based off of how you treat them, 698 00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:53,560 Speaker 1: how you talk to them. So for me, I'm probably 699 00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:56,640 Speaker 1: not gonna respond that somebody barking barking orders at me. 700 00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:59,440 Speaker 1: I can get you the cup and just give you 701 00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:02,080 Speaker 1: like a friend you reminder. But if it's like real 702 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:05,000 Speaker 1: soft there and it's real attitude, everything can pause and 703 00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:06,759 Speaker 1: we can talk about it like, hey, I'm right here. 704 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:09,000 Speaker 1: You remember how you like me to talk to you 705 00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:11,799 Speaker 1: give them that calm, because if we react like who 706 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:14,759 Speaker 1: we talked to, they're just gonna meet us there yeah, 707 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:16,560 Speaker 1: or he just like quickly, I'll get it all. They'll 708 00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:19,720 Speaker 1: be like, oh, it sounds like you're barking in order 709 00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:23,040 Speaker 1: at me, and I I'm like, oh, is someone the 710 00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:28,080 Speaker 1: king of the castle like, I'm just excuse me. Oh yeah, 711 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,200 Speaker 1: that's good. Oh that's good. Yeah. My mom used to 712 00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:32,359 Speaker 1: say when I was little, she'd be like, oh, oh, 713 00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:35,320 Speaker 1: are you talking to me? And then I'd be like no, 714 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:38,680 Speaker 1: and You're like, oh, I didn't think so hilarious, Okay. Um. 715 00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:42,080 Speaker 1: A lot of this, I think is in power struggles. 716 00:36:42,239 --> 00:36:45,560 Speaker 1: Like a lot of that is power struggles because sometimes 717 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:47,960 Speaker 1: I'll say, you know, I'm the boss. My son will 718 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:51,120 Speaker 1: freaking cry. He'll be like, You're not the boss. I'm 719 00:36:51,239 --> 00:36:56,480 Speaker 1: the boss. I'm not even kidding, and I'm like, no, honey, 720 00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:59,200 Speaker 1: Like there's just some things I say to him. I'm like, look, 721 00:36:59,239 --> 00:37:00,840 Speaker 1: they're just something because you're not gonna be able to 722 00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:03,960 Speaker 1: do until you're an adult. You can't use potty words, 723 00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:07,840 Speaker 1: you can't drive a car, you can't drink mommy's wine. 724 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:11,719 Speaker 1: But how do you deal with power struggles? Well, first 725 00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:13,800 Speaker 1: of all, you can't do it, don't. So I'm always 726 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:15,719 Speaker 1: leading with the well, this is what we can do, 727 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:19,560 Speaker 1: because that's super empowering. Yeah, Like there's always some sort 728 00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:21,360 Speaker 1: of a yes, and I really want my children to 729 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:25,200 Speaker 1: just feel that way about life. Number one. But number two, 730 00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:27,960 Speaker 1: it's a lot of the things that we expect our 731 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:31,440 Speaker 1: children to be able to do, they're not really able 732 00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:34,680 Speaker 1: to do it. We have really high expectations of children 733 00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:38,839 Speaker 1: that just aren't developmentally realistic. And so for me, it's 734 00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:41,759 Speaker 1: it's about I have all the power. When they're small, 735 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:46,360 Speaker 1: they literally need you to do everything to Yeah, and 736 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:49,480 Speaker 1: then it goes into like a wee, it's a sharing 737 00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:52,240 Speaker 1: of power. I'm not powering over you, I'm not powering 738 00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:55,680 Speaker 1: under you. And then it becomes an allowing and allowing 739 00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:58,400 Speaker 1: you to have power. And so I'm very clear with 740 00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:00,560 Speaker 1: my nine year old we're a team. So it's very 741 00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:03,320 Speaker 1: much how can I help you? Anytime we're like this, 742 00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:05,680 Speaker 1: it's us against each other, and I'm like, okay, let's 743 00:38:05,719 --> 00:38:08,520 Speaker 1: turn this towards the problem. Like it's not you won't 744 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:11,279 Speaker 1: get up, it's you're having a hard time you're getting up? 745 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:14,080 Speaker 1: Is there anything that you need? How can I help you? 746 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:16,640 Speaker 1: Do you want to brush your teeth together? So like 747 00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:20,200 Speaker 1: in the morning, like, yeah, exactly can I help you? 748 00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:23,520 Speaker 1: How can I help you? Yeah? Exactly? Or or just 749 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,759 Speaker 1: what do you need? Because I understand and get that 750 00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:30,160 Speaker 1: at nine years old, she hasn't even practiced this enough 751 00:38:30,239 --> 00:38:32,680 Speaker 1: for it to be a habit, whether she's a morning 752 00:38:32,719 --> 00:38:34,880 Speaker 1: person or not. And I can either leave it up 753 00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:37,719 Speaker 1: to her and she has a terrible mourning and then 754 00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:40,719 Speaker 1: terrible morning after terrible morning and she doesn't feel empowered, 755 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,640 Speaker 1: or I can do what I'm here to do, which 756 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:47,000 Speaker 1: is to help and God lead her towards actually being 757 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:49,480 Speaker 1: able to have the autonomy to be an adult that 758 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:51,960 Speaker 1: can get herself up and do it on her own. 759 00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:57,239 Speaker 1: I have learned so much today, Destiny at what you're 760 00:38:57,280 --> 00:39:03,440 Speaker 1: doing is so helpful, and I would dare say like revolutionary, 761 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:06,440 Speaker 1: Like I just really think that, like this work is 762 00:39:07,239 --> 00:39:11,440 Speaker 1: really fucking important if we're going to do our job 763 00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:18,880 Speaker 1: of hopefully raising humans that contribute to society in positive, peaceful, 764 00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:24,040 Speaker 1: freeing and connective using your values ways, I just think 765 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:26,479 Speaker 1: it really starts with us. And I think the work 766 00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:29,320 Speaker 1: you're doing and the people that you're reaching gives me 767 00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:33,640 Speaker 1: a lot of hope. And I just think you're wonderful 768 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:35,440 Speaker 1: and you're doing such a great job. And those girls 769 00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:38,359 Speaker 1: are so lucky to have you as a mom My. God, girl, 770 00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:44,439 Speaker 1: are you doing a good job? A good job, girl, 771 00:39:44,560 --> 00:39:52,640 Speaker 1: You're doing a good job. That's the censor. Girl, You're 772 00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:55,200 Speaker 1: doing a good job girl, You're doing a good job. 773 00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:59,839 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Destiny, you are amazing and Um, 774 00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:02,120 Speaker 1: thank you so much for coming on Katie's Crib. Thank 775 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:12,680 Speaker 1: you for having me. Thank you guys so much for 776 00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:15,080 Speaker 1: listening to today's episode. I want to hear from you. 777 00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:19,799 Speaker 1: Let's chat questions, comments, concerns. Let me know. You can 778 00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:22,879 Speaker 1: always find me at Katie's Crib at Shonda land dot com. 779 00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:28,360 Speaker 1: Katie's Crib is a production of Shonda Land Audio in 780 00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:31,400 Speaker 1: partnership with I heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shonda 781 00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:34,239 Speaker 1: Land Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, 782 00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:36,040 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.