WEBVTT - Seasonal Depression Rules! 0:00:15.000 --> 0:00:17.040 I didn't put like, you aren't a bitch. You ran 0:00:17.120 --> 0:00:19.280 and put on that half of the necklace because you 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:21.759 know your half, and then you just ran and put 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:24.360 it on where is And I know exactly what happened. 0:00:24.360 --> 0:00:26.040 When we were in the bathroom. You saw it on 0:00:26.079 --> 0:00:28.080 the barcelon and you were like, I'm gonna put it 0:00:28.080 --> 0:00:28.720 on so I could like. 0:00:28.720 --> 0:00:31.560 Say something, No, that's exactly I just wanted to see. 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:34.040 You were gaslighting me. You literally go out of your 0:00:34.040 --> 0:00:41.680 way to gaslight me. Every single day. You were seriously 0:00:41.760 --> 0:00:45.520 gaslighting someone and I was like, Drew, but I don't 0:00:45.520 --> 0:00:46.440 remember who it was. 0:00:46.520 --> 0:00:48.760 It was probably you. I mean I literally guessed, like 0:00:48.800 --> 0:00:49.760 everybody know it was. 0:00:49.800 --> 0:00:51.720 It was like someone else. It was like Christian or something, 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:54.680 but you were like fully, Christian was like you did this, 0:00:55.000 --> 0:00:56.840 and you were like, are you kidding me? And you 0:00:56.960 --> 0:00:58.760 like actually started gas lighting him. 0:00:58.760 --> 0:01:00.400 And I was like, Drew, that's me. 0:01:00.520 --> 0:01:03.080 That's me as a person. I gaslight and I actually 0:01:04.080 --> 0:01:05.000 practice what I preach. 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:08.479 We've gas lit our followers into enjoy being gaslet because 0:01:08.480 --> 0:01:10.200 someone made a comment where I was like, I just 0:01:10.200 --> 0:01:12.240 don't feel like they're gaslighting us as much as in 0:01:12.280 --> 0:01:15.360 the last episode and like as if it was missed. 0:01:17.360 --> 0:01:18.679 Speaking of comments, though, I. 0:01:20.600 --> 0:01:25.720 Posted a TikTok and someone was like, like, why do 0:01:25.800 --> 0:01:29.319 you think, bitch, Like someone said, Okay, why wasn't Enya 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:30.600 invited to the met Gallop? 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:34.920 Bitch? Why the fuck do you think? Like, I think 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:38.280 it's beautiful that our followers like us ride for us 0:01:38.319 --> 0:01:42.440 like that. But and I'm not saying this as of 0:01:42.560 --> 0:01:45.520 like tell me I'm important, but like we are not important. 0:01:45.720 --> 0:01:48.800 No, literally, I've been struggling with that so much more recently. 0:01:49.240 --> 0:01:50.560 Yeah, especially the past week. 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:54.960 Yeah, like I genuinely mean nothing to no one. Yeah, which, 0:01:55.000 --> 0:01:56.720 like I shouldn't. I shouldn't base my. 0:01:56.640 --> 0:01:57.600 Importance on. 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:03.320 That at all, but like I do, point blank period, 0:02:03.360 --> 0:02:07.360 I do. And there's no there's no changing that. And yeah, 0:02:07.400 --> 0:02:09.799 I'm just not important to the industry, which. 0:02:11.040 --> 0:02:11.800 Yeah, I guess. 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:14.560 Let's rea like phrase that. It's not that we're not important, 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:17.880 like I know that for you guys, we are important, 0:02:17.919 --> 0:02:20.600 and obviously, like it's one of the reasons I keep 0:02:20.600 --> 0:02:22.640 fucking doing what I do is because I know that. 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:27.400 Like I I'm not super insecure, like I do have 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:29.919 confidence where I'm like I think what me and you 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:34.120 provide for like the Internet, especially the influencer. Safe space 0:02:34.360 --> 0:02:38.640 is safe space, especially for the influencer space is very important. 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:40.720 But yeah, to the industry, we might as well. 0:02:40.919 --> 0:02:43.959 They don't sit about us. 0:02:44.440 --> 0:02:46.640 Literally they don't care. They don't care. And I was 0:02:46.680 --> 0:02:48.640 I was telling you this morning. I was like, like, 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:52.760 I know, in my entire life, with every fiber of 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:55.639 my being, I will never ever be invited to the metcala, 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:58.640 Like it's just not in my car, Like I don't 0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:01.640 I don't have that look, I don't have that energy 0:03:01.680 --> 0:03:03.440 to give, like I'm not made. 0:03:03.280 --> 0:03:06.120 For the red carpet whatever. But like I was, like, 0:03:07.200 --> 0:03:08.000 I was having fomo. 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:09.520 I was like, how fun would it be if I 0:03:09.639 --> 0:03:12.519 like got dressed by someone I know? 0:03:12.680 --> 0:03:12.960 Watch. 0:03:13.280 --> 0:03:15.080 I was like, stop, wait, we need to like go 0:03:15.160 --> 0:03:16.760 out to a really nice dinner or something, so I 0:03:16.840 --> 0:03:18.919 have an excuse to put on like my best dress 0:03:18.960 --> 0:03:20.919 and like get all like prettied up. 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:24.880 We should hire a what are they called a dresser? 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:26.520 A stylist. 0:03:26.600 --> 0:03:30.480 Yeah, we should hire a stylist for a day to 0:03:30.639 --> 0:03:32.839 stylist and really really good. 0:03:33.120 --> 0:03:35.760 Oh, I guess I can think of a few stylists 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:37.000 And I'm like, I want you to put me in 0:03:37.000 --> 0:03:39.600 clothes because like you're good at what you do. Like, uh, 0:03:39.680 --> 0:03:44.520 the girls who dressed us for Mark the Mark, Shoot, yeah, 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:45.400 they are awesome. 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:46.320 They knew what they were doing. 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:49.560 Chloe, I don't remember their names, but they are awesome. 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:51.640 Like everyone they dress, I'm like, wow, like you're you 0:03:51.720 --> 0:03:53.680 do a good job of like looking at the person 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:56.080 and being like, yes, this is what you would wear. 0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:58.280 I can't say a fucking stylist who's like, yeah, here's 0:03:58.280 --> 0:04:01.680 your fucking bingo bongo fit like and it has nothing. 0:04:01.520 --> 0:04:04.320 It doesn't fit. It's gross, it's grumbling. 0:04:04.160 --> 0:04:06.360 Or like a stylist who is just like, all right, 0:04:06.400 --> 0:04:08.000 here's your like jeans and T shirt. 0:04:08.080 --> 0:04:08.440 You slip. 0:04:08.560 --> 0:04:11.760 But but I guess like some people want that solid. 0:04:11.240 --> 0:04:12.920 Some people want to be normcore. 0:04:13.760 --> 0:04:16.159 But you being like doesn't it look so fun to 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:20.000 just like get dressed? Is literally like yesterday I went 0:04:20.040 --> 0:04:21.680 in to look at the Mecca. I've never watched the 0:04:21.680 --> 0:04:24.080 Megala in my fucking life, but I literally watched it 0:04:24.200 --> 0:04:27.279 because Addison, Ray and Emma were going and I like desperately, 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:28.839 I was like, I need to know what they're wearing. 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:31.919 I like, obviously, I like knew Emma would serve and 0:04:31.960 --> 0:04:34.600 she like looked beautiful, and everyone honestly, everyone looked beautiful. 0:04:34.640 --> 0:04:39.440 Everyone gave, everyone gave. I wish they didn't put Addison 0:04:39.480 --> 0:04:40.800 in a wig or I don't know if they actually 0:04:40.800 --> 0:04:43.600 car hair like that. I couldn't tell. But like regardless, 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:45.320 I was like watching it and I was like, who 0:04:45.320 --> 0:04:46.279 the fuck am I to sit. 0:04:46.160 --> 0:04:49.719 Here and be like you eating Cheetah's in your bed, 0:04:49.720 --> 0:04:51.920 being like, oh, why are they dressed like this? 0:04:52.200 --> 0:04:54.960 Yeah? I was like, and everyone does just look fucking good. 0:04:54.960 --> 0:04:59.680 Everyone's sirs, And you do have to take into account, like, yes, 0:05:00.640 --> 0:05:05.680 I understand the like historical importance of the metgala, but 0:05:05.760 --> 0:05:07.599 at the end of the day, like socially, what the 0:05:07.600 --> 0:05:10.120 fuck is it? It's like it's a party. We are 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:14.600 literally tuning in to watch celebrities walk down the hall 0:05:14.800 --> 0:05:17.400 in an outfit, to go into a museum in an 0:05:17.400 --> 0:05:19.640 outfit and take pictures, and then most of them go 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:21.040 and change into a different outfit so. 0:05:20.960 --> 0:05:22.480 They could go to a party. 0:05:23.200 --> 0:05:25.159 It is actually the weirdest thing. When I was watching it, 0:05:25.160 --> 0:05:29.680 I was like, I'm literally watching myself be not invited 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:30.720 and be so unimportant. 0:05:30.760 --> 0:05:32.800 How you hate him from outside the club if you 0:05:32.839 --> 0:05:33.400 can't even. 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:35.479 Get in I can't even get on the carpet outside 0:05:35.480 --> 0:05:35.600 of it. 0:05:36.200 --> 0:05:36.520 Like that. 0:05:36.680 --> 0:05:37.760 That's what the magala is. 0:05:37.800 --> 0:05:40.880 It's like all of us watching and being like this 0:05:41.000 --> 0:05:45.960 outfit sucks, this gives. 0:05:44.320 --> 0:05:47.160 Honestly, Like everyone looked good though. I was like, all 0:05:47.160 --> 0:05:49.359 of y'all look like you smell good. Yeah. It was 0:05:49.360 --> 0:05:51.080 like a weird theme in my head. I was like, 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:53.359 what would I do? Like people did old Hollywood like 0:05:53.880 --> 0:05:57.200 Billy did Old Hollywood, mad old the Hollywood. Yeah, Billy 0:05:57.279 --> 0:06:01.560 literally looked like a fucking Disney character, but like in 0:06:01.600 --> 0:06:04.440 a good way, Like looked like a princess. 0:06:04.480 --> 0:06:06.720 It looks like a Disney adult in a bad way, 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:11.520 Disney Disney adult derogatory. No bitch, she turned it look 0:06:11.680 --> 0:06:12.679 like it was awesome. 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:18.640 Yeah, megs. Meg's look was also like slaying looked good, 0:06:18.839 --> 0:06:20.839 was giving old Hollywood, Like, I think that's like what 0:06:20.880 --> 0:06:24.320 a lot of people were doing do. Barbie Barbara, I 0:06:24.320 --> 0:06:26.599 can never say her fucking name never in my life. 0:06:26.600 --> 0:06:33.080 I'm always like Barbie, Barbara, Bara Barrea. Like I don't 0:06:33.080 --> 0:06:35.479 know why I don't know her name. I think it's 0:06:35.520 --> 0:06:36.160 just Barbie. 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:37.320 Yeah, I think it's Barbie. 0:06:38.279 --> 0:06:41.719 Okay, she looks good. I'm like I like refusing to 0:06:41.760 --> 0:06:44.640 say it. Anytime I talk about celebrities, I get really 0:06:44.640 --> 0:06:46.880 fucking uncomfortable and scared because I'm. 0:06:46.720 --> 0:06:48.480 Like, they're gonna hear this, They're gonna hear this. 0:06:48.600 --> 0:06:50.800 Aways not even they're gonna hear this. I'm like, I 0:06:51.200 --> 0:06:53.000 used to be a big ship talker, so I'm like 0:06:53.040 --> 0:06:55.600 scared anytime I say anyone's name because I'm like, I 0:06:55.680 --> 0:06:57.280 used to be someone who didn't have a therapist and 0:06:57.279 --> 0:06:59.760 would like go on weird tangents. But I'm a change 0:06:59.800 --> 0:07:00.280 to them now. 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:01.640 So she's growing. 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:06.120 Up, Yara, I I don't know anyone's name. I'm like 0:07:06.200 --> 0:07:09.120 literally trying to like find their name. Yeah, I just 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:12.080 know the dresses everyone wore, but like there were certain 0:07:12.120 --> 0:07:15.280 girls who were giving. Like everyone looked good, but certain 0:07:15.320 --> 0:07:18.840 girls I was like, oh, I want to wear that. 0:07:18.360 --> 0:07:18.720 I saw. 0:07:18.920 --> 0:07:21.680 I saw the TikTok last night that was so funny. 0:07:21.760 --> 0:07:25.840 It was like, I swear to God, Camilla Cabello and 0:07:26.080 --> 0:07:29.160 James Cordon or whatever his fucking name is saw like 0:07:29.280 --> 0:07:33.680 a Hollywood executive commit like a gnarly murder or crime, 0:07:33.720 --> 0:07:35.720 and they were just giving careers after that because like 0:07:36.040 --> 0:07:39.640 they give nothing ever, But like Camilla like you have 0:07:39.720 --> 0:07:43.240 to like to be the best, I mean, to be 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:44.880 on top of the world the way she is, like 0:07:44.920 --> 0:07:47.800 she has to be making something appealing to somebody, like 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:48.440 the masses. 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:49.400 So she's good at that. 0:07:49.520 --> 0:07:52.040 But like I'm gonna admit I like kind of like 0:07:52.080 --> 0:07:52.720 her new song. 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:57.880 I love her new song, Don't Go Yet. 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:01.680 Oh, Normani looked so funny. Normani is one of the 0:08:01.680 --> 0:08:03.960 sexiest women to ever walk the fucking face of this 0:08:04.000 --> 0:08:07.200 earth and her Actually, now we can transition to the VMAs. 0:08:07.200 --> 0:08:07.920 We're becoming the. 0:08:07.840 --> 0:08:14.239 Fucking BuzzFeed, just like like a TV. 0:08:15.560 --> 0:08:18.880 We just had the most like teenager week of my life. 0:08:18.920 --> 0:08:22.280 I had like two I literally sat in my car. 0:08:22.320 --> 0:08:23.880 I was like, I can't remember the last time I 0:08:23.880 --> 0:08:26.280 gave the a funk about the VMAs. But I think 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:28.280 that since I had such bad Fomo. 0:08:28.320 --> 0:08:30.600 I never get phone and is like the last person 0:08:30.600 --> 0:08:35.240 to get anyone's doing, like I always have pomo. Literally, 0:08:35.240 --> 0:08:36.959 if my friends hang out without me, like I will 0:08:37.040 --> 0:08:39.200 jump off a bridge, like I don't care, like I 0:08:39.200 --> 0:08:39.959 will write them in. 0:08:39.920 --> 0:08:43.400 My suicide letter. But not, actually, you don't worry about me. 0:08:44.600 --> 0:08:45.079 I'm good. 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:52.600 No, I'm actually gonna kill myself. But like it's jowing, like, 0:08:53.559 --> 0:08:56.199 but you know what it is. I think because now, 0:08:56.280 --> 0:08:58.680 like because of the past year of my like new 0:08:58.800 --> 0:09:01.360 burning love for New York, the fact that it was 0:09:01.400 --> 0:09:03.640 all happening in New York is what like made it 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:05.920 fomo for me, is because I'm like, this is like 0:09:06.960 --> 0:09:10.160 one I just left and everyone then everyone got there, 0:09:10.600 --> 0:09:12.440 so like it was like breaking my heart because I 0:09:12.440 --> 0:09:15.040 was like, dude, I could have been like hanging out 0:09:15.080 --> 0:09:16.440 with like a bunch of people I know in a 0:09:16.480 --> 0:09:19.560 city I fucking love. Yeah, So that was one and 0:09:19.600 --> 0:09:21.959 then like I just like love that city and I 0:09:22.040 --> 0:09:24.000 like want to move there at some point. So I'm 0:09:24.040 --> 0:09:27.160 just like watching everyone like run around and have fun 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:30.000 and do all these things. And then I got pomo. 0:09:30.559 --> 0:09:32.400 But it was really weird because I never got it 0:09:32.440 --> 0:09:34.680 and it was like making me really upset because I 0:09:34.720 --> 0:09:37.559 was like I could never give a fuck what anyone's doing. 0:09:37.600 --> 0:09:41.280 But I think that's specifically when it's in LA because 0:09:41.320 --> 0:09:45.000 I'm like that's embarrassing, like why are you running around? 0:09:45.080 --> 0:09:46.800 I'm like, why are you running around? And then New 0:09:46.880 --> 0:09:48.600 York is like you're supposed to run around, So seeing 0:09:48.600 --> 0:09:52.000 everyone run around, I was like, I don't want to play. 0:09:54.000 --> 0:10:01.880 Running around and Lassie, yeah, like a little cat. 0:10:03.400 --> 0:10:05.560 But yeah, I was like I don't remember the less 0:10:05.559 --> 0:10:07.440 how I cared about the VMA's And then we got 0:10:07.440 --> 0:10:09.199 home and I literally like watched. 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:12.000 I was like, why am I not there again? Why 0:10:12.000 --> 0:10:13.880 are we not at the VMAs? We should be at 0:10:13.880 --> 0:10:14.280 the VMA. 0:10:14.400 --> 0:10:16.319 The VMA's is like weirdly embarrassing. 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:17.880 I don't want to go. I don't want to go, 0:10:17.960 --> 0:10:18.880 but I want to be invited. 0:10:19.240 --> 0:10:22.240 Denial, I'm saying, it's like embarrassing to not be invited. 0:10:23.240 --> 0:10:26.800 I feel like at this point and like. 0:10:25.200 --> 0:10:28.600 H yeah, whoever, whoever, whoever, y'all just please put it 0:10:28.640 --> 0:10:30.040 on your story so we get ratings. 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:31.080 Please please please. 0:10:31.280 --> 0:10:32.840 But like the I was like, I'm like, why wasn't 0:10:32.840 --> 0:10:38.000 I there, like specifically because everyone was there, Like yeah, 0:10:38.280 --> 0:10:39.960 that was it. I just couldn't give a fuck. But 0:10:40.040 --> 0:10:44.360 I did watch all the performances and like, first of all, 0:10:44.800 --> 0:10:45.520 this is the way. 0:10:45.400 --> 0:10:47.680 Before we get into the VMAs. Can we just say 0:10:47.679 --> 0:10:50.240 what we did instead of being at the vmash Okay, 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:56.600 so literally we are fucking actually weirdos, like like all 0:10:56.640 --> 0:11:00.520 of our friends, all of our like acquaintances, where like 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:03.880 in New York at the VMA is like having a 0:11:03.880 --> 0:11:07.200 at fashion week, just like turning up. Turning looks like 0:11:08.000 --> 0:11:10.120 just living an influencer lifestyle. 0:11:10.320 --> 0:11:12.240 And me and Inya were. 0:11:12.160 --> 0:11:16.640 Literally at a fucking reptile convention, like a reptile convention, 0:11:16.840 --> 0:11:18.440 looking at lizards and snakes all day. 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:20.199 I wouldn't change it for the world. 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:23.600 Someone was like getting glam done, and we were like 0:11:23.800 --> 0:11:27.319 driving an hour to fucking and to go to a convention. 0:11:27.679 --> 0:11:30.600 And while somebody was walking the carpet, I was literally 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:31.760 holding a fucking. 0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:34.200 Skink, which I genuinely wouldn't change for the word. I know. 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:37.079 It was the most fun thing was fantastic. 0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:40.200 I touched so many like animals. 0:11:40.240 --> 0:11:42.720 I genuinely found my people, Like those are my people. 0:11:43.040 --> 0:11:45.840 And like, one day when all is said and done 0:11:46.280 --> 0:11:50.520 and I get and my whole career is ended, somehow, 0:11:51.120 --> 0:11:53.080 maybe it can go back there. I can go back 0:11:53.080 --> 0:11:54.840 to the convention and raise my lizards. 0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:55.480 You know what. 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:58.400 I just realized, like us being here, like being like 0:11:58.400 --> 0:12:01.000 we're not important to the industry, but and then like 0:12:01.120 --> 0:12:04.080 I know our followers are, like y'all are like are important? 0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:06.080 We love you, bitch. We saw some of y'all at 0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:09.120 the convention. That's why you think more important because somebody 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:12.520 you motherfuckers are the freaks who are going there. Ye so, 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:13.640 but that's okay. 0:12:13.760 --> 0:12:15.400 We cornered the weirdos of the internet. 0:12:15.920 --> 0:12:16.800 We're just different. 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:19.520 We're all different. We're all different. 0:12:19.600 --> 0:12:22.360 We're the popular loaners. Everyone knows this, but we don't 0:12:22.360 --> 0:12:23.280 want to associate. 0:12:23.920 --> 0:12:26.760 I like do so badly, Like I'm I'm like, okay, 0:12:26.760 --> 0:12:28.600 I'm like twenty three and I'm over being a loser. 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:30.079 Like I want to be important. 0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:32.040 I know we'll get it this year. 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:33.080 Don't go yet. 0:12:33.280 --> 0:12:36.760 Oh supposed to be our year. You know what that is? 0:12:36.800 --> 0:12:39.320 Because I'm like, as much as I'm a fucking bitter, hater, 0:12:39.640 --> 0:12:42.679 piece of shit bitch, I feel myself kind of shedding 0:12:42.679 --> 0:12:45.840 that a little bit and like being like, you know 0:12:45.880 --> 0:12:48.240 what I really am, like replacing the part of me 0:12:48.320 --> 0:12:52.440 that cringes with the part of me that is cringey. 0:12:52.600 --> 0:12:55.240 Like I'm letting go of being cringed and I want 0:12:55.280 --> 0:12:57.560 to be cringey. Yeah, I just want to have fun. 0:12:57.679 --> 0:13:00.160 Like like I said in the last episode, the world 0:13:00.200 --> 0:13:01.559 is ending. It's time for me to have fun. I 0:13:01.559 --> 0:13:03.120 don't have any more time to hate. I've spent my 0:13:03.160 --> 0:13:04.880 whole life hating and now I want to have fun. 0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:08.480 Invite me and because we literally just like we're like, 0:13:09.160 --> 0:13:12.160 y'all are fucking inviting an everyone anyway, because you don't get. 0:13:12.120 --> 0:13:13.520 Fucking we're just bitter. 0:13:13.559 --> 0:13:16.880 We're just bitter, Like, please invite us, please, please please 0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:18.720 invite us, because I know one motherfucker. 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:22.160 I know one motherfucker from MVT, MVT, MV. 0:13:24.200 --> 0:13:28.280 MTV is listening to this right now. Bitch, I know 0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:30.880 you hear me. I'm looking at you in the fucking eyes. 0:13:30.920 --> 0:13:32.480 Like I'm literally a free intern, like I. 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:36.000 Can send us out here. 0:13:37.720 --> 0:13:41.720 You can't even see him. Drews practice that he got her. 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:44.920 I have such a bad time with animals, like I 0:13:45.080 --> 0:13:48.160 fully I give them the gender I want them to have, 0:13:48.440 --> 0:13:51.319 like that I feel from them because they can't speak it. 0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:54.760 She's so fucking alive. It's actually weird. I hate it. 0:13:56.240 --> 0:13:57.720 You have to take her off to the camera literally 0:13:57.760 --> 0:14:00.800 looks like you're playing with fucking lint and everybody listening 0:14:00.840 --> 0:14:04.120 can't see what you're doing. Oh. Actually, the funniest story 0:14:04.240 --> 0:14:08.520 about this. You can't see her like you have to 0:14:08.520 --> 0:14:11.160 do like the yeah, like the beauty girls. Oh my god, 0:14:11.200 --> 0:14:13.400 you're pissing me off the way you can't figure this out. No, 0:14:13.760 --> 0:14:14.280 it's working. 0:14:14.800 --> 0:14:20.320 So there's my spiny man. So here's my spiny manthis. 0:14:20.480 --> 0:14:25.080 Her name is Goji. She's in her second stage evolution. 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:27.840 One day this week, I'll wake up and she will 0:14:27.880 --> 0:14:33.360 be a beautiful spiny flower mantis, fully mature. We have 0:14:33.480 --> 0:14:35.640 like a we've already built like an awesome relationship, like 0:14:35.680 --> 0:14:38.040 we love each other and I think she recognizes me 0:14:38.640 --> 0:14:42.360 and she knows me, and I give her her food and. 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:47.520 She loves me. Yeah, that's my story. That's my mantis. 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:52.360 But our friend Tavia got the same, like kind of mantis. 0:14:51.920 --> 0:14:54.320 Hit me, she put my sheep, she wanted to touch me. 0:14:54.560 --> 0:14:57.400 No, you literally they're scared of the shade and they'll 0:14:57.400 --> 0:15:01.520 like start attacking your hand. Our friend Tavia got the 0:15:01.560 --> 0:15:05.120 same mantis. And Drew and Tavia were told that because 0:15:05.120 --> 0:15:08.960 they're female mantis is they can't fly. And when we 0:15:08.960 --> 0:15:12.120 were at the convention, like Tavia took her mantis, whose 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:14.960 name is Rena, out, and she took Rena out and 0:15:15.000 --> 0:15:17.480 Rena was fully fluttering wings, but they were like, oh 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:19.960 the Drew and Tavia were like, oh, she can't fly though, 0:15:20.200 --> 0:15:22.640 And I was like, oh, okay, but she was fully 0:15:22.640 --> 0:15:27.240 fluttering her fucking wings. And when we left the convention 0:15:27.920 --> 0:15:31.400 Tavia and Tavia took her mantis out and had it 0:15:31.440 --> 0:15:33.040 on her arm and we were walking to the car, 0:15:33.080 --> 0:15:34.760 and that shit literally fucking flew away. 0:15:34.840 --> 0:15:37.520 It flew away in the parking garage and like flew 0:15:37.600 --> 0:15:39.880 directly into a wall and fell to the ground. 0:15:39.920 --> 0:15:41.560 And we were like, oh. 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:45.680 We were all in shock, like we were walking and 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:48.680 Tavia just goes, what did she say? 0:15:48.840 --> 0:15:51.440 She was like, I didn't think she could fly. I 0:15:51.480 --> 0:15:53.280 didn't I didn't know. They told me she wouldn't fly. 0:15:53.720 --> 0:15:55.720 And then it like we all looked up and we 0:15:55.760 --> 0:16:00.480 saw this fucking praying mantis flying through the garage, hit 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:02.000 the wall out of the ground, and we weren't in 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:03.760 a rush. We were like, oh, the bitch is right there, 0:16:03.760 --> 0:16:05.760 like we'll just walk up and get her. We walked 0:16:05.840 --> 0:16:09.120 over there and she was gone, like she had fully disappeared. 0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:12.640 And we looked under all the cars, like everywhere, and 0:16:12.720 --> 0:16:14.640 we looked for like thirty minutes. It was probably one 0:16:14.720 --> 0:16:16.680 hundred and five in that parking garage. We were all 0:16:16.760 --> 0:16:17.800 sweating our ass. 0:16:18.040 --> 0:16:19.600 I was like fucking humid in there. 0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:22.080 And I was like no, like, we have to find her. 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:24.400 I was like, there's no way we don't find her. 0:16:24.480 --> 0:16:27.520 And then like literally thirty minutes past me, like dude, 0:16:27.800 --> 0:16:30.320 the bitch is gone, Like she's fully she's fully going 0:16:30.400 --> 0:16:32.640 to live her life in the parking garage, Like how 0:16:32.680 --> 0:16:37.920 sad is that? And then like literally right as we 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:41.360 were leaving, Tavia like looks up at the ceiling at 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:46.040 this like crossbar and she fucking sees her mantish just 0:16:46.080 --> 0:16:47.960 like chilling on this wall and she's. 0:16:47.800 --> 0:16:49.880 Like, wait, is that that's her? Right? 0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:52.040 And then I zoom up on the camera and I 0:16:52.040 --> 0:16:53.800 couldn't tell him. She's like, yeah, that's literally it. 0:16:53.880 --> 0:16:57.560 And so she like ran jumped on top of my car, 0:16:57.680 --> 0:17:00.840 got her and now she's saved. But like Tavy made 0:17:00.840 --> 0:17:03.320 a good point, like I got the ship because I thought. 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:05.199 It couldn't fly exactly, like I don't want it to 0:17:05.280 --> 0:17:07.040 start fucking flying around my room and. 0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:09.280 Shit, that's kind of cool though. 0:17:09.480 --> 0:17:09.680 Yeah. 0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:12.000 No, the the owner, I mean, the girl who was 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:15.280 selling them at the convention was like, I just literally 0:17:15.320 --> 0:17:17.800 let my mantis is like roam like they literally just 0:17:17.840 --> 0:17:19.439 like I'll let them free in my house for a 0:17:19.440 --> 0:17:21.199 week at a time, and they'll collect bugs and then 0:17:21.240 --> 0:17:23.200 I'll call them or like be talking on the couch 0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:25.040 and they'll come back to me, like they're literally like 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:28.440 fucking dogs. It's so I mean, I wish I could understand, 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:32.159 like how alive this thing is. It like genuinely blows 0:17:32.160 --> 0:17:35.280 my mind. It's like synthient. Like looking at it, you're like, oh, 0:17:35.280 --> 0:17:38.879 that's literally a fucking bug, but like no, it like 0:17:39.000 --> 0:17:41.240 looks at you and shit, it's so weird and it 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:42.240 like dances to music. 0:17:42.359 --> 0:17:46.840 You literally can't let it roam free because out of it. 0:17:46.920 --> 0:17:48.880 Eat the fuck out of this is. 0:17:48.840 --> 0:17:52.719 Such a pussy though, Like because when a Lisa had 0:17:52.720 --> 0:17:56.240 her a lizard here, like actually as well as it 0:17:56.240 --> 0:17:59.919 a pussy, I think she's just like a freak. But 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:02.720 doesn't make sense that a cat would go after crickets 0:18:02.760 --> 0:18:03.639 instead of a lizard. 0:18:03.760 --> 0:18:06.359 No, I think they should eat lizards ten out of 0:18:06.359 --> 0:18:07.600 ten over crickets. 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:12.800 But Alisa's gecko was in its cage, we like locked 0:18:12.800 --> 0:18:16.199 a zool away. Alisa set up the gecko's cage and 0:18:16.240 --> 0:18:18.760 like locked it in there and we let Azula because 0:18:18.760 --> 0:18:20.480 we were like, dude, it was gonna freak the funk out, 0:18:20.480 --> 0:18:21.880 and she literally just started laying. 0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:22.200 By the cage. 0:18:22.240 --> 0:18:24.119 Yeah, she just like looked at it, smelled it, and 0:18:24.240 --> 0:18:27.000 was like, oh okay, and no cat. 0:18:27.320 --> 0:18:29.200 But then she heard the crickets that she was freaking 0:18:29.200 --> 0:18:31.480 the fuck out. But I think because she heard the sounds, 0:18:31.560 --> 0:18:33.000 so she like knew it was a bug, but she 0:18:33.040 --> 0:18:36.240 couldn't see it. She likes bugs, I think, so we 0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:37.080 should give her. 0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:40.600 Your Buck's Girl's Girl go Gi. I love Goji. 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:43.399 But yeah, while everyone was at the VMA's, we went 0:18:43.440 --> 0:18:45.080 to the Red talc commentared, and then we came home 0:18:45.080 --> 0:18:47.680 and we continued playing Mario Kart for like an hour. 0:18:47.800 --> 0:18:53.320 My god, I love Mario Kart and Mario parties so fucking. 0:18:53.000 --> 0:18:57.480 Bad, and you, I know it's so should you? 0:18:57.520 --> 0:19:00.320 Playing games with Drew is literally see this, like when 0:19:00.320 --> 0:19:02.000 we were talking about how you can't play fucking Catan 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:04.480 with you because not only do you cheat at Catan, 0:19:04.600 --> 0:19:07.120 you can't cheat at Mario party, but you just fucking 0:19:07.160 --> 0:19:11.880 are the worst person ever. Drew winning is like I've 0:19:11.880 --> 0:19:13.160 never wanted someone to lose. 0:19:13.000 --> 0:19:15.480 So bad, and I win every time, and it's I 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:18.840 prove I prove my haters wrong, Like my haters are 0:19:18.840 --> 0:19:23.320 my motivators, Like literally motivators exactly. 0:19:22.760 --> 0:19:23.680 They're my motors. 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:28.119 But yeah, I just like, without a doubt, every single 0:19:28.160 --> 0:19:29.000 time fucking win. 0:19:29.080 --> 0:19:30.000 What is this bitch doing. 0:19:30.320 --> 0:19:31.919 I was gonna say she I think she's having a 0:19:31.920 --> 0:19:37.359 hard time getting on the other side. But literally, so, 0:19:37.760 --> 0:19:40.680 if you've never played Mario Party, it's a game made 0:19:40.680 --> 0:19:45.160 for fucking kids, so it's like really motivated to make 0:19:45.200 --> 0:19:48.320 sure everyone feels like they're having a fair game, which 0:19:48.480 --> 0:19:52.359 never fucking works on me. Apparently I played against all 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:55.680 computers last night and still got fourth place, Like I 0:19:55.760 --> 0:19:57.800 always get third or fourth place. I don't know if 0:19:57.840 --> 0:19:59.879 I need to change the character I use, I use MONTI. 0:20:00.320 --> 0:20:02.320 I don't know if I need to change that or what. 0:20:02.600 --> 0:20:05.520 Drew always uses shy guy and always fucking wins. 0:20:05.600 --> 0:20:06.840 I just know, no doubt. 0:20:06.960 --> 0:20:11.520 It's just like strategizing and it's literally not and you 0:20:11.640 --> 0:20:14.080 have to you just have to like let it ebb 0:20:14.119 --> 0:20:16.000 and flow with the game and like just let it be, 0:20:16.119 --> 0:20:18.320 and when you win, you brag and make everybody mad 0:20:18.359 --> 0:20:19.639 and then they start making bad decision. 0:20:19.640 --> 0:20:21.879 The thing is, even when he's losing, he makes me 0:20:21.960 --> 0:20:24.240 pissed and he makes me like because at this point 0:20:24.320 --> 0:20:26.399 I know he's gonna win even if he's losing, so 0:20:26.480 --> 0:20:27.960 I don't have an inch of hope when I'm playing 0:20:28.000 --> 0:20:28.240 that game. 0:20:28.320 --> 0:20:29.600 Literally, literally, I'll be a. 0:20:29.520 --> 0:20:32.200 Hopeless fucking portal of doom for me. 0:20:32.359 --> 0:20:35.200 You'll you'll be like miles ahead of me in the game, 0:20:35.280 --> 0:20:37.439 like winning, and I'll be like like, I just like 0:20:38.200 --> 0:20:39.800 I don't feel good, Like I don't even want to 0:20:39.800 --> 0:20:41.880 play this anymore. And then I come back and win 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:42.920 but everything, or. 0:20:42.920 --> 0:20:45.000 You're like you're like, oh, I'm not even stressed because 0:20:45.000 --> 0:20:45.600 I'm gonna. 0:20:45.400 --> 0:20:48.520 Win, or I'm like like I just like haven't even 0:20:48.560 --> 0:20:49.440 been trying this game. 0:20:50.320 --> 0:20:52.840 He makes you feel so stupid for winning too. That's 0:20:52.840 --> 0:20:55.360 what makes it worse is when you are winning, he's like, yeah, 0:20:55.400 --> 0:20:56.360 I just like feel bad for. 0:20:56.280 --> 0:20:57.679 You, Like why would I want to win a stupid 0:20:57.680 --> 0:20:58.160 little game? 0:20:58.280 --> 0:21:00.320 Yeah, Like at this point, like it's so easy, see, 0:21:00.320 --> 0:21:02.840 like I don't have to win anymore. And he'll will 0:21:02.880 --> 0:21:04.840 get to the end and who have zero stars and 0:21:04.960 --> 0:21:07.159 like three fucking coins and I'll have like three stars 0:21:07.200 --> 0:21:09.520 and be like, yes, I fucking won, And then he 0:21:09.560 --> 0:21:12.600 gets three bonus stars and wins. I'm I almost just 0:21:12.680 --> 0:21:13.600 knocked your girl down. 0:21:13.920 --> 0:21:16.400 She no, she's she's good. She can be upside down. 0:21:16.800 --> 0:21:20.280 But yeah, I think like we're just different. Some girls 0:21:20.280 --> 0:21:22.439 go to the VMA's and walk the carpet. Some girls 0:21:22.440 --> 0:21:24.920 play Mario Party for like the third hour in a row. 0:21:24.960 --> 0:21:28.200 I need to stream it. I'm gonna stream it Thursday night. 0:21:28.359 --> 0:21:29.960 And it's also fucking crazy. 0:21:30.320 --> 0:21:32.520 I'm like, I'm gonna stream Thursday night. Guys, this is 0:21:32.560 --> 0:21:33.680 coming out on Friday. 0:21:33.800 --> 0:21:38.920 It's also crazy because it's all for me. It's all 0:21:38.960 --> 0:21:43.000 avoiding reality. I realize like, oh say, I fully realized that, 0:21:43.160 --> 0:21:44.560 Like I. 0:21:44.040 --> 0:21:49.320 Am slippy from once my's on the same path. 0:21:49.440 --> 0:21:51.360 Yeah, yesterday I was literally like, I was like, it's 0:21:51.359 --> 0:21:53.720 because we didn't play Mario Party. It's because it hit 0:21:53.760 --> 0:21:55.480 eight o'clock and I wasn't sitting on the couch of 0:21:55.560 --> 0:21:59.600 rotting into the middle playing Mario Party until one am. No. 0:21:59.720 --> 0:22:07.000 Yeah, I'm fully fully slipping into this scary, scary, uh depression. 0:22:07.920 --> 0:22:13.800 I feel good today, but yesterday, I I literally was yesterday. 0:22:14.280 --> 0:22:17.480 You know, when we're both in like a rut when 0:22:17.560 --> 0:22:20.040 all the lights on the in the house are off 0:22:20.440 --> 0:22:20.960 all day. 0:22:21.119 --> 0:22:23.119 Yeah, we like turn the lights on all day like 0:22:23.160 --> 0:22:27.600 we just existed in darkness. Uh yeah, it's I feel 0:22:27.600 --> 0:22:31.480 better today though, but it's happening. You never know it's happening. 0:22:32.240 --> 0:22:33.760 I'm manifesting it. 0:22:33.840 --> 0:22:35.960 I was like, I could either be like slipping into 0:22:36.080 --> 0:22:38.760 depression or wake up tomorrow feeling fine. But like it's 0:22:38.800 --> 0:22:41.560 always like in the morning, I'm like, if I wake 0:22:41.640 --> 0:22:43.639 up and keep myself a little busy, I'm like, okay, 0:22:43.680 --> 0:22:46.280 I'm okay. And then this second it is nighttime and 0:22:46.320 --> 0:22:51.560 I have nothing. If I'm not distracked, I'm like, oh, 0:22:51.640 --> 0:22:52.879 why am I? 0:22:52.920 --> 0:22:55.840 What's the point? What's the point to all this? 0:22:56.320 --> 0:22:59.359 The thing is like, what's even more fucked up is 0:22:59.400 --> 0:23:02.200 I think about this a lot, and I don't know 0:23:02.240 --> 0:23:08.040 about for you, but something about like I'm trying to 0:23:08.040 --> 0:23:09.679 think of how to word this because we were just 0:23:09.720 --> 0:23:11.680 talking about like the past two weeks how we were like, yeah, 0:23:11.680 --> 0:23:13.800 I feel literally nothing, like I don't feel anything. I 0:23:13.800 --> 0:23:14.760 feel very nominated. 0:23:14.760 --> 0:23:16.600 It's all avoiding like that feeling. 0:23:16.800 --> 0:23:20.280 Yeah, it's all like my brain, like our brains without 0:23:20.359 --> 0:23:22.320 us thinking to us about it. I think going into 0:23:22.359 --> 0:23:27.840 like almost like defending mode of yeah, like avoiding that 0:23:27.840 --> 0:23:30.360 feeling and just being like, oh, like I'm okay. I 0:23:30.480 --> 0:23:32.840 just like don't know, like I just don't care like. 0:23:33.080 --> 0:23:35.320 I'm not gonna put because for me, it's like I 0:23:35.320 --> 0:23:38.920 don't if I think about it, it'll become my reality. 0:23:39.000 --> 0:23:40.920 I'm just gonna push it as far away as possible 0:23:41.119 --> 0:23:43.879 and just like do my silly little task in my 0:23:43.960 --> 0:23:47.320 video games until it hits full force, which is just 0:23:47.359 --> 0:23:52.720 like the worst advice ever, but yeah, just uh, it's 0:23:52.720 --> 0:23:57.240 been happening. The happening, the happening. 0:23:56.880 --> 0:23:57.600 Of the depression. 0:23:57.880 --> 0:24:00.560 I literally I do think. Kirshlan was just asking the 0:24:00.600 --> 0:24:02.160 other day. He was like, oh, do you guys think 0:24:02.240 --> 0:24:05.040 you have like seasonal depression? And I was like, oh no, 0:24:05.359 --> 0:24:07.600 But then I thought about it. And last year, just 0:24:07.680 --> 0:24:10.399 like this year, around this time, it's always like I 0:24:10.480 --> 0:24:12.119 hit a wall and I'm like, why do I feel 0:24:12.160 --> 0:24:14.200 like this? And of course there are always like little 0:24:14.200 --> 0:24:16.879 things that I could be sad about, whether it's like 0:24:16.920 --> 0:24:20.000 my fucking imposter syndrome attacking me or like any. 0:24:19.840 --> 0:24:23.160 Other Oh my god, literally the imposter syndrome has been 0:24:23.400 --> 0:24:24.359 hitting I know. 0:24:24.480 --> 0:24:26.720 I genuinely think that's why I feel this way. 0:24:27.160 --> 0:24:31.120 Like the past like two weeks is like fully just 0:24:31.160 --> 0:24:35.160 like not thinking highly of myself at all, like seeing 0:24:35.200 --> 0:24:37.840 everybody do everything that I want to do and me 0:24:37.960 --> 0:24:41.760 not being able to do it because for reasons I 0:24:41.800 --> 0:24:45.760 don't understand. Also, like just not being able to understand 0:24:45.760 --> 0:24:47.720 why I'm not in these positions is driving me and 0:24:47.760 --> 0:24:49.840 saying I mean I understand like why I'm not because 0:24:49.840 --> 0:24:51.800 I literally don't fucking do anything I know. 0:24:51.880 --> 0:24:54.359 But then it's like it's like the idea where some 0:24:54.400 --> 0:24:57.200 people were like the only like things standing in your 0:24:57.200 --> 0:24:59.800 way is like you, and I'm like no, because if I, 0:24:59.920 --> 0:25:02.119 like I think like that, then it becomes a perpetual 0:25:02.160 --> 0:25:05.600 cycle of like I'm the I'm the problem, I'm not enough, 0:25:05.640 --> 0:25:07.440 and I'm standing in my way and it's like, dude, 0:25:07.440 --> 0:25:10.800 these are like as much as I like to think 0:25:10.800 --> 0:25:14.600 that I have control over my mood, I don't. It's 0:25:14.680 --> 0:25:17.520 like genuinely probably gonna be something I battle for the 0:25:17.600 --> 0:25:19.320 rest of my life. And it's that's not me being 0:25:19.359 --> 0:25:22.600 like pessimistic and being like this will never end because 0:25:22.640 --> 0:25:25.240 again it ebb and flows, and sometimes it's like harder 0:25:25.280 --> 0:25:27.959 to deal with and sometimes I like am so like 0:25:28.160 --> 0:25:31.680 consumed by my day to day life and maybe I 0:25:31.720 --> 0:25:34.200 am in a good state that I it's it's doesn't 0:25:34.200 --> 0:25:35.720 even cross my mind and I'm like, oh, I could 0:25:35.760 --> 0:25:39.080 be like this forever, but that's like not true. And 0:25:39.160 --> 0:25:42.000 I think even for people who aren't depressed, like there's 0:25:42.400 --> 0:25:46.720 who don't deal with depression, they have their own battle 0:25:46.840 --> 0:25:49.919 of something like that. But it's just like a little 0:25:49.960 --> 0:25:55.240 more intense when it is depression, because like depression is 0:25:55.280 --> 0:25:58.600 followed by like insecurity and like lack of motivation, which 0:25:58.640 --> 0:26:00.880 fuels the insecurity, which's a depression. 0:26:00.960 --> 0:26:04.520 And it's like these like big visual cycles. 0:26:04.240 --> 0:26:06.960 Yeah, visious cycles that are like much harder to get 0:26:07.000 --> 0:26:11.160 out of than you think. And then especially when you're 0:26:11.160 --> 0:26:15.359 in like a position where a lot of what you 0:26:15.520 --> 0:26:20.560 do is based on like you personally and how you 0:26:20.600 --> 0:26:24.479 portray yourself publicly, it becomes an even tougher game. Especially 0:26:24.480 --> 0:26:26.800 when you see people who are really good at doing it, 0:26:27.320 --> 0:26:30.400 who maybe even express going through the same thing. Then 0:26:30.400 --> 0:26:32.800 it can even fucking double down on how should you 0:26:32.800 --> 0:26:36.800 feel because you're like, damn, I know like eighty people 0:26:36.840 --> 0:26:39.760 in this business who talk about suffering from like depression 0:26:39.880 --> 0:26:42.840 and anxiety and all these things, but like how and 0:26:42.880 --> 0:26:46.080 they're also not even medicated for it, So it's like fuck, 0:26:46.240 --> 0:26:47.720 and they're still like doing it. 0:26:47.880 --> 0:26:49.880 Yeah, they're still on top of the world. 0:26:49.800 --> 0:26:52.560 And it's like, Okay, so this is just what I'm 0:26:52.600 --> 0:26:55.560 meant to be. It's like for lifers. 0:26:55.960 --> 0:27:01.040 Me and my depression are for lifers. No, I had 0:27:01.040 --> 0:27:02.760 that thought today or I think I put it on 0:27:02.800 --> 0:27:04.119 my fence to story last night. 0:27:04.160 --> 0:27:06.440 I was like, we both posted on our fences stories 0:27:06.480 --> 0:27:07.560 at the same thun girl. 0:27:07.560 --> 0:27:10.000 We were alone in our bedrooms and our fucking feels. 0:27:10.040 --> 0:27:11.120 I was like, I was. 0:27:11.080 --> 0:27:14.000 Like, please, God damn it. Like I genuinely like this 0:27:14.040 --> 0:27:14.920 cannot be for life. 0:27:14.960 --> 0:27:15.760 Like I literally like. 0:27:15.760 --> 0:27:20.000 I this this like cycle of like like highs and lows, 0:27:20.040 --> 0:27:23.520 like not even highs, just baselines and lows. 0:27:23.560 --> 0:27:26.040 Like I just I really cannot go through this. 0:27:26.160 --> 0:27:28.320 I mean, I literally am gonna figure out a way 0:27:28.359 --> 0:27:31.080 to fucking deal with it, or it'll just like fix itself, 0:27:31.400 --> 0:27:34.280 or I'll literally be do the smartest thing and fucking 0:27:34.320 --> 0:27:35.160 medicate myself. 0:27:35.480 --> 0:27:38.800 But yeah, I don't know. I just like was really 0:27:40.200 --> 0:27:42.480 I was, I can't do the. 0:27:42.400 --> 0:27:44.320 Like the like dips. 0:27:44.520 --> 0:27:46.200 Yeah, it's so annoying. 0:27:46.480 --> 0:27:49.000 But I was like I think about this a lot 0:27:49.160 --> 0:27:56.399 because I find myself craving being like fourteen to like 0:27:56.520 --> 0:27:59.760 sixteen again or like thirteen to sixteen again, a really 0:27:59.800 --> 0:28:02.240 odd often not because I'm like I miss being a 0:28:02.280 --> 0:28:04.639 teenager or whatever. But I'm like, oh, because I felt 0:28:04.680 --> 0:28:09.280 like such intense emotions through those ages. But the intense 0:28:09.320 --> 0:28:12.560 emotions I felt weren't good. It was like really really 0:28:12.640 --> 0:28:16.320 dark spots in my life, and I like crave those moments. 0:28:16.320 --> 0:28:17.359 But it's because like. 0:28:18.720 --> 0:28:21.439 You get addicted, you get you get addicted to that feeling. 0:28:21.480 --> 0:28:25.199 And also, if you're somebody who's like really struggled with depression, 0:28:26.359 --> 0:28:29.800 you have this false sense of what being happy is 0:28:30.320 --> 0:28:33.399 in your head. You're like, oh, like happiness. I'm sure 0:28:33.640 --> 0:28:36.360 when when I feel happiness, I'll know it because I'll 0:28:36.359 --> 0:28:38.920 be in the moment and I'll feel so fucking good 0:28:38.960 --> 0:28:41.960 and it'll like last for more than like a day, 0:28:42.200 --> 0:28:44.920 and like it'll be like for like months, I'm just 0:28:45.040 --> 0:28:47.640 every day I'm happy and I don't feel like this 0:28:47.800 --> 0:28:49.760 and like this isn't a feeling I have to battle. 0:28:50.240 --> 0:28:53.280 But then because like I think about it like a scale, 0:28:53.400 --> 0:28:56.200 like I like to think, like the most intense feelings 0:28:56.240 --> 0:28:58.960 I've ever felt were sadness. And that's why it's really 0:28:58.960 --> 0:29:02.040 hard for me to feel good, is because like my 0:29:02.200 --> 0:29:05.560 peak of emotions has been like this intense despair that 0:29:05.640 --> 0:29:11.440 most people, especially by my age, shouldn't have experience. So 0:29:11.600 --> 0:29:13.920 then when I'm in a moment where I'm like, this 0:29:13.960 --> 0:29:17.040 should be happy and like the most fulfilling moment for 0:29:17.200 --> 0:29:20.520 me right now at this age, it's not nearly as 0:29:20.640 --> 0:29:24.280 joyous or like as intense as that sadness was, So 0:29:24.360 --> 0:29:27.240 it's easy for me to feel like those moments are nothing. 0:29:27.440 --> 0:29:29.800 Yeah, just like which is fucked up, like fully just 0:29:29.840 --> 0:29:33.520 being jaded to like yeah at everything. 0:29:33.040 --> 0:29:36.560 Oh my god, I thought you caught a bug. 0:29:36.760 --> 0:29:38.160 Oh no, my phone was falling. 0:29:38.320 --> 0:29:41.040 But yeah, like I find myself just like when I 0:29:41.160 --> 0:29:44.200 get into these like really low lows like that, I'm 0:29:44.240 --> 0:29:47.160 like starting to like dip down into like it feels 0:29:48.240 --> 0:29:53.200 like I'm just like life. I'm not experiencing life at all, 0:29:53.320 --> 0:29:55.040 Like life is experiencing me. 0:29:55.160 --> 0:29:58.360 I don't know how to word literally, you're going through 0:29:58.400 --> 0:30:01.880 like the motion I call it like survival most yeah. 0:30:01.640 --> 0:30:06.400 Exactly, Like it's like okay, wake up, eat, stimulate brain, 0:30:06.880 --> 0:30:09.160 go to bed, and then that's like the three things 0:30:09.240 --> 0:30:12.000 that I like focus on throughout the day is like okay, like. 0:30:11.960 --> 0:30:12.880 I can't. 0:30:14.120 --> 0:30:18.440 Feel anything, so like I'm gonna play video games all 0:30:18.520 --> 0:30:20.760 day and live in this fake reality all day until 0:30:20.840 --> 0:30:23.880 like I figure something, figure it out, which is such 0:30:23.880 --> 0:30:26.800 a toxic cycle because you just like because when you're 0:30:26.800 --> 0:30:29.040 in when you're just not doing anything, you're not doing 0:30:29.040 --> 0:30:30.600 anything to better yourself, and. 0:30:30.520 --> 0:30:33.240 Like yeah, and once you're like leaning into it, it's 0:30:33.240 --> 0:30:36.360 easier for it to consume you. But like you have 0:30:36.440 --> 0:30:39.280 no motivation to not do that. And then again, if 0:30:39.280 --> 0:30:42.280 you're someone who struggled, it like is almost appealing because 0:30:42.360 --> 0:30:43.440 it's just that comfort. 0:30:43.560 --> 0:30:45.160 I was about to say say, it's like when you're 0:30:45.160 --> 0:30:45.360 in a. 0:30:45.360 --> 0:30:47.840 Bad relationship and you know you should leave, but it's 0:30:47.880 --> 0:30:49.440 like I have comfort here. 0:30:49.240 --> 0:30:51.160 Like I know this feeling exactly. 0:30:51.240 --> 0:30:53.120 I was about to just say, like, and also it 0:30:53.160 --> 0:30:56.239 doesn't help that like it's so comfortable to just like 0:30:56.880 --> 0:30:59.120 lay in bed all day and be sad all day 0:30:59.160 --> 0:31:01.400 and like it it's just like it's really is like 0:31:01.680 --> 0:31:05.520 an addicting feeling where like okay, like I know that 0:31:05.640 --> 0:31:09.560 like I'm satisfuck, and I know how it feels to 0:31:09.560 --> 0:31:14.400 be satisfuck, and it's just like comfortable to be there. 0:31:14.720 --> 0:31:18.680 Like it's just like it's familiar, yeah, which is so. 0:31:20.360 --> 0:31:21.960 Fucked up, like literally. 0:31:21.640 --> 0:31:27.680 Evil, and I don't know. It's like again it'll it's 0:31:27.760 --> 0:31:29.760 like something that passes. But you know what like for 0:31:29.880 --> 0:31:33.400 me is the like when I get into these like 0:31:33.600 --> 0:31:36.040 funks me calling my depression of funk. I'm like, when 0:31:36.040 --> 0:31:39.160 I get into these funks, but when I get into it, 0:31:39.240 --> 0:31:43.160 probably the worst part for me personally is like those 0:31:43.320 --> 0:31:48.120 false highs I get from like work nine pm. No, 0:31:48.200 --> 0:31:50.760 from like nine pm to like twelve pm is like 0:31:51.040 --> 0:31:53.120 randomly I'll get this spike of energy where I'm like 0:31:53.280 --> 0:31:55.400 that shit was fake, Like I don't feel like that anymore. 0:31:55.400 --> 0:31:56.960 Like I feel so fucking good, Like I want to 0:31:57.000 --> 0:31:58.600 go out, Like I need to leave the house right now, 0:31:58.640 --> 0:32:00.440 Like I like need to get dressed. I'm gonna put 0:32:00.440 --> 0:32:02.320 on an outfit. I'm like, and I'm like in this 0:32:02.480 --> 0:32:07.160 like false like almost delusion of it being lifted, and 0:32:07.200 --> 0:32:11.040 then I like just crash really hard by midnight and 0:32:11.040 --> 0:32:12.360 then I'm like back into it. 0:32:12.480 --> 0:32:15.200 I wake up in the first thoughts are negative. Yeah, 0:32:15.240 --> 0:32:17.560 that's when it's fucked up. That's when it's fucked up. 0:32:17.680 --> 0:32:20.760 Is like literally when the very first thought in my 0:32:20.840 --> 0:32:23.160 brain when I wake up in the morning is just negative. 0:32:23.160 --> 0:32:26.120 It's like like I always used to like when I 0:32:26.160 --> 0:32:28.600 was like struggling with like my mental health like in 0:32:28.680 --> 0:32:31.280 high school and shit, I always always like girl like 0:32:31.320 --> 0:32:33.920 shut the fuck up, Like like the first like I 0:32:33.920 --> 0:32:35.680 don't want to get out of bed in the morning, 0:32:35.760 --> 0:32:37.720 Like no, that's just corny, like you have to get 0:32:37.720 --> 0:32:41.080 out of bed. But genuinely, like these past like two years, 0:32:41.120 --> 0:32:43.560 that's like been like a very big part of like 0:32:43.600 --> 0:32:47.120 my depression is just like struggling. First thing in the morning, 0:32:47.160 --> 0:32:49.680 like the very first thought that enters my head is 0:32:49.760 --> 0:32:53.480 just like negative, Like it's just like it's either like 0:32:53.560 --> 0:32:56.640 negative like about my life or negative about like what 0:32:56.760 --> 0:32:59.680 I'm doing today, or negative about the people around me, 0:33:00.120 --> 0:33:01.160 or like just something like. 0:33:01.200 --> 0:33:03.520 Wanting to flake even if it's important, and being like 0:33:03.600 --> 0:33:05.320 I don't care, like I don't care if this doesn't work, 0:33:05.360 --> 0:33:09.000 like the day we want to the REP Talk convention. Sorry, 0:33:09.600 --> 0:33:11.760 I literally woke up and I was like I don't 0:33:11.760 --> 0:33:14.160 need to go, Like I like I'm doing this for what, 0:33:14.360 --> 0:33:16.320 Like I don't like I don't want to leave my bed, 0:33:16.360 --> 0:33:18.240 I don't want to leave my room. And then you know, 0:33:18.280 --> 0:33:21.160 what's a fucked up thing that I feel like like 0:33:21.240 --> 0:33:24.520 depression can do to you is convince you that this 0:33:24.640 --> 0:33:29.360 is like a symptom of being like overworked or exhausted. 0:33:29.840 --> 0:33:31.800 So like you you're baring tricks you into being like, 0:33:31.840 --> 0:33:34.080 you know what, tomorrow, I'm just gonna spend the whole 0:33:34.120 --> 0:33:36.680 day laying around not doing anything. 0:33:37.320 --> 0:33:42.000 Day today what just like like it's like you haven't 0:33:42.040 --> 0:33:42.640 worked at all? 0:33:42.760 --> 0:33:45.400 Yeah, Like I haven't been doing anything, if anything. I 0:33:45.480 --> 0:33:48.160 like I need to, like I need to find motivation 0:33:48.280 --> 0:33:50.480 to work so that I can have all these things 0:33:50.480 --> 0:33:51.800 that I like dream. 0:33:51.560 --> 0:33:52.480 Of, But. 0:33:54.080 --> 0:33:56.840 It seems like such a big task and then I 0:33:56.920 --> 0:34:00.440 like exhaust myself mentally from that weirdly or I don't know, 0:34:00.480 --> 0:34:02.520 it's like my brain is like you need to rest, 0:34:02.600 --> 0:34:04.920 and I haven't done ship. I don't need to rest 0:34:05.000 --> 0:34:07.440 like I rest all night. I don't need to rest. 0:34:07.720 --> 0:34:10.319 I'll need to spend a whole day resting. But like 0:34:10.640 --> 0:34:13.000 I get tricked by myself into doing that, and then 0:34:13.040 --> 0:34:15.440 it like sparks into something and then next thing I know, 0:34:15.520 --> 0:34:18.239 it's been five days and I like having showered for 0:34:18.320 --> 0:34:21.120 three days, and I'm like sitting around like barely eating, 0:34:21.160 --> 0:34:21.560 and I'm. 0:34:21.440 --> 0:34:28.520 Like, oh, oh, this is this is you got me? Depress, 0:34:29.360 --> 0:34:33.800 Depress Grande. Got me again, Depress Grande. 0:34:34.640 --> 0:34:37.080 It's Ariana Grande's sister. 0:34:36.920 --> 0:34:41.520 Pressed personality ego her other ego. It's like how Beyonce 0:34:41.680 --> 0:34:49.320 has Sasha fears. It also doesn't help them. My fucking 0:34:49.360 --> 0:34:50.560 therapist isn't in town. 0:34:51.640 --> 0:34:54.520 I'll be a therapist. Shut the fuck up, I'll be 0:34:54.960 --> 0:34:55.920 Come on, talk to me. 0:34:56.280 --> 0:34:59.880 Come on and talk to me. Please open up to 0:35:01.560 --> 0:35:03.640 what therapists did that they would like be arrested. 0:35:03.760 --> 0:35:05.719 Can we do like a fake therapy session where I'm 0:35:05.760 --> 0:35:07.560 your therapist they don't talk about anything real? 0:35:07.640 --> 0:35:11.480 Yeah, okay, you want to know how they always start 0:35:11.880 --> 0:35:13.880 It puts on your mind. No, that's not how it 0:35:13.880 --> 0:35:18.000 ever goes. It's like I just had Obviously I'm somebody 0:35:18.040 --> 0:35:18.800 who has not. 0:35:18.640 --> 0:35:22.120 Been No, I have been to therapy in my high 0:35:22.160 --> 0:35:26.680 school years. Just don't gnarly situation with that, so I 0:35:26.760 --> 0:35:27.879 just avoided it. 0:35:28.600 --> 0:35:30.960 But yeah, therapy is the best thing of every dog 0:35:31.040 --> 0:35:33.799 for my life. Like literally, I buy so much stupid shit, 0:35:33.920 --> 0:35:35.640 and like I was thinking about it this morning when 0:35:35.640 --> 0:35:37.040 I was putting my shoes on, I was like, this 0:35:37.120 --> 0:35:39.640 is one of the best like purchases I've made because 0:35:39.640 --> 0:35:41.640 I didn't really want it, but like I wear these 0:35:41.640 --> 0:35:43.759 shoes every single day, and that's exactly how I feel 0:35:43.760 --> 0:35:45.560 about therapy is it's one of those things that I 0:35:45.600 --> 0:35:47.399 was like, I didn't want to do it. People were 0:35:47.440 --> 0:35:48.920 telling me to do it, and I really didn't want 0:35:48.960 --> 0:35:50.319 to do it, but I did it, and now, like 0:35:50.400 --> 0:35:55.040 I literally cannot. I genuinely don't know who the fuck 0:35:55.200 --> 0:35:57.120 or where the fuck i'd be right now. 0:35:56.960 --> 0:35:58.680 If I didn't start there six feet under. 0:35:58.880 --> 0:36:05.560 Oh, I was like really bad, Like I needed one 0:36:05.640 --> 0:36:08.000 so bad, Like I was. I wasn't like a bad 0:36:08.040 --> 0:36:11.880 person or anything, but like I like can't believe I 0:36:11.960 --> 0:36:15.359 was functioning like that, functioning with that one. Yeah, I 0:36:15.440 --> 0:36:21.920 was like, so whatever, that's a different conversation. But so 0:36:22.000 --> 0:36:25.120 they always go like this. It's like hi, and I'm 0:36:25.120 --> 0:36:27.560 like hi, and then it's like a moment of silence 0:36:27.600 --> 0:36:29.799 because I literally never know. I've been doing it for 0:36:29.840 --> 0:36:31.760 like almost three years and I never know how to start. 0:36:32.200 --> 0:36:36.200 She's like hey, she say how are you. Then I'm like, oh, 0:36:36.239 --> 0:36:38.040 I'm good, this is this, this is is like and 0:36:38.080 --> 0:36:40.680 then I just like say all these things yeah, and 0:36:40.680 --> 0:36:43.759 then she like, is I dude, I talk so much 0:36:43.760 --> 0:36:46.520 in therapy, Like it's always like, actually, go ahead, like 0:36:46.560 --> 0:36:49.080 speak because but I do that in every conversation I 0:36:49.160 --> 0:36:51.440 like always am talking. It's like, actually something I'm so 0:36:51.520 --> 0:36:52.080 embarrassed of. 0:36:53.160 --> 0:36:54.560 You got a lot on your mind? 0:36:54.880 --> 0:36:56.719 No, I just have a big fucking mouth that maybe 0:36:56.800 --> 0:37:02.239 just shut the fuck up. Like, especially in our podcasting area, 0:37:02.280 --> 0:37:04.680 I find myself and I'm like, I'll literally be like 0:37:05.840 --> 0:37:09.279 going and realize I've been talking for formatus trait and 0:37:09.360 --> 0:37:12.480 Drew has not gotten a word, and then I'll just 0:37:12.480 --> 0:37:14.719 like get really quiet. But I'm bad at picking what 0:37:14.800 --> 0:37:19.920 time to get quiet. Yeah, Like like I don't do 0:37:20.000 --> 0:37:22.880 a good job of passing over the conversation. I fully 0:37:22.920 --> 0:37:25.040 go through every single thought that could be had about 0:37:25.040 --> 0:37:26.000 the topics, and I'm. 0:37:25.800 --> 0:37:28.600 Like, and then you take my topics that I wanted 0:37:28.600 --> 0:37:31.239 to talk about and then run fourteen miles with him 0:37:31.239 --> 0:37:32.640 And I'm like, oh. 0:37:32.200 --> 0:37:33.839 You know what it is, too is because we plan 0:37:33.960 --> 0:37:37.480 out the topics and then my brain is like on 0:37:37.560 --> 0:37:39.640 full like remember to say it, remember to say it, 0:37:39.680 --> 0:37:41.200 remember to say it. So I have to say it 0:37:41.239 --> 0:37:43.080 because if I don't like it will be gone forever. 0:37:43.320 --> 0:37:53.600 Yeah, Hi, therapy bit go Hi, Hi how are you 0:37:54.440 --> 0:37:54.680 are you? 0:37:54.840 --> 0:37:59.560 Way therapist, I'll be the therapist. We have to we 0:37:59.600 --> 0:38:02.279 have to range Drew into going back to therapy because 0:38:02.280 --> 0:38:05.799 he's had a traumatizing event with therapy and like you 0:38:05.880 --> 0:38:08.000 need to like you need to know that it can 0:38:08.040 --> 0:38:10.920 be a safe space. But that's probably the only time 0:38:10.960 --> 0:38:12.919 in my life I've had luck is getting a really 0:38:12.960 --> 0:38:13.719 good therapist on my. 0:38:13.719 --> 0:38:16.840 Firstew you got as well. He's a pretty boy. 0:38:16.280 --> 0:38:19.440 He was a piece of shit for like a year 0:38:19.440 --> 0:38:21.360 and a half. He was the worst caut ever. Okay, 0:38:21.480 --> 0:38:24.640 I'll be the therapist. Wait, is this our first session 0:38:24.719 --> 0:38:26.399 or like how we've been like doing this for a while. 0:38:27.360 --> 0:38:28.320 This is our first session? 0:38:28.440 --> 0:38:35.080 Okay? Hi? It is how you would say hi on 0:38:35.160 --> 0:38:35.920 your first session? 0:38:36.840 --> 0:38:40.399 What up? I'd be like, what's up? 0:38:40.520 --> 0:38:41.520 Hi? You sounds straight. 0:38:43.560 --> 0:38:45.719 There's a lot to unpack there. There's a lot to 0:38:45.760 --> 0:38:47.080 unpack there. Should we go in there? An hour? What 0:38:47.200 --> 0:38:47.879 should we do? An hour? 0:38:47.960 --> 0:38:48.200 Wait? 0:38:48.560 --> 0:38:49.839 Should retur an hour later? 0:38:50.920 --> 0:38:52.359 All right? Hi? 0:38:53.360 --> 0:38:56.040 So what brings you in? You said in your email 0:38:56.080 --> 0:38:58.560 to me that this is your first time coming back 0:38:58.600 --> 0:39:02.319 to therapy and quite some time. Was there anything that 0:39:02.400 --> 0:39:03.960 maybe sparked that interest? 0:39:04.400 --> 0:39:06.080 I just don't believe in therapists. 0:39:06.520 --> 0:39:09.720 You know, you may find that a lot of clients 0:39:09.760 --> 0:39:12.759 of therapists walk into it with that feeling because there 0:39:12.800 --> 0:39:15.640 is such a harsh stigma on therapy, and there are 0:39:15.760 --> 0:39:21.320 many people like yourself who have had negative interactions with therapists. 0:39:21.680 --> 0:39:24.000 But I would like you to know that a part 0:39:24.000 --> 0:39:26.640 of this journey, it would be my job to make 0:39:26.640 --> 0:39:28.680 sure that you feel comfortable and safe in this space 0:39:28.680 --> 0:39:29.760 that we're creating together. 0:39:30.600 --> 0:39:36.440 Well, I like being touched. I like being held and 0:39:36.440 --> 0:39:38.600 comforted physically. Can you do that for me? 0:39:38.960 --> 0:39:46.520 Sadly, that is not something I'm capable of doing. Seeing Okay, 0:39:47.520 --> 0:39:49.920 he obviously is a narcissist with like self. 0:39:49.680 --> 0:39:54.480 Loath these are talking therapists. Starts talking to. 0:39:54.480 --> 0:39:57.080 Her, So, dude, I literally I was actually talking about 0:39:57.160 --> 0:40:00.399 therapists about how I think the words being throw around 0:40:00.440 --> 0:40:02.600 on the internet are so funny because it's like a 0:40:02.600 --> 0:40:04.560 fourteen year old being like, actually, I believe that this 0:40:04.680 --> 0:40:07.359 is like signs of being a self loathing, narcissistic. 0:40:07.600 --> 0:40:08.719 Yeah, y'all shouldn't know that. 0:40:09.040 --> 0:40:13.400 Like literally, get off your goddamn iPhone, Get off your iPhone. 0:40:13.320 --> 0:40:15.280 Go down and just like tech, go to a high. 0:40:15.120 --> 0:40:18.319 School, go to a high school football game, right, like, 0:40:18.880 --> 0:40:25.120 enjoy yourself there without being so introverted, not introverted, but 0:40:25.239 --> 0:40:28.840 like introspective and like thinking everyone is looking at you 0:40:28.920 --> 0:40:30.839 because no one gets a fuck. Literally, no one gets 0:40:30.840 --> 0:40:33.080 a fuck about you. Like I was that person in 0:40:33.160 --> 0:40:35.080 high school that like not in a. 0:40:35.000 --> 0:40:37.400 Way that it's like you're useless or anything, but like 0:40:37.480 --> 0:40:38.440 literally it's like. 0:40:39.400 --> 0:40:41.080 You know what it is, people spend more time thinking 0:40:41.120 --> 0:40:42.040 about themselves than they do. 0:40:42.080 --> 0:40:44.960 Think I was about to say what it is is 0:40:45.280 --> 0:40:47.480 especially I don't know if this is for everybody, but 0:40:47.520 --> 0:40:52.000 for me, the reason why I was so goddamn insecure 0:40:52.480 --> 0:40:56.160 was because I was the person judging everybody around me 0:40:56.200 --> 0:40:59.479 for what they did, Like everything, every move that someone made, 0:40:59.480 --> 0:41:03.480 every every thing someone said, like whatever, it was like 0:41:03.560 --> 0:41:03.920 I was. 0:41:04.040 --> 0:41:05.879 I was the judgmental person. 0:41:05.840 --> 0:41:08.480 And then that made me believe everyone was doing the 0:41:08.560 --> 0:41:12.000 same thing to me, when in reality, no one is 0:41:12.040 --> 0:41:14.160 looking at you and having these thoughts, and if they are, 0:41:14.239 --> 0:41:15.840 that's their fucking own problem. 0:41:15.960 --> 0:41:17.919 So like, literally, I don't know. 0:41:18.040 --> 0:41:20.359 I take with that, what you will, like, stop being 0:41:20.360 --> 0:41:22.520 so judgmental, and you'll stop being so insecure. And that's 0:41:22.520 --> 0:41:24.440 what worked for me is I stopped looking at other 0:41:24.440 --> 0:41:26.640 people and giving a shit, And that's perfect. 0:41:26.760 --> 0:41:32.000 I think it's literally just also, don't unless your life 0:41:32.000 --> 0:41:34.480 goal is to be like a therapist or a psychiatrist 0:41:34.600 --> 0:41:37.160 or work in the like that department. You're gonna have 0:41:37.200 --> 0:41:39.520 a very hard time going through life if you look 0:41:39.560 --> 0:41:42.640 at everybody and start throwing on these and yeah and 0:41:42.680 --> 0:41:46.879 diagnosing them when in reality, like most people you meet 0:41:46.960 --> 0:41:49.560 will have flaws. Everyone you meet will have flaws. Not 0:41:49.600 --> 0:41:52.279 saying that, like if you genuinely believe somebody is like 0:41:52.320 --> 0:41:55.480 an awful person and like doing bad things to you, 0:41:55.560 --> 0:41:57.279 that you should like butt through and be like, well 0:41:57.280 --> 0:41:59.640 they had a hard life or whatever. Not don't do that. 0:42:00.000 --> 0:42:01.640 I don't give them excuse, But don't look at. 0:42:01.560 --> 0:42:05.840 Your high school friends unless they're like genuinely being like 0:42:05.960 --> 0:42:09.000 morally corrupt to you and like hurting you. If your 0:42:09.080 --> 0:42:13.920 high school friend is like maybe not super open about 0:42:14.000 --> 0:42:17.960 like their feelings or like doesn't like give them most 0:42:18.000 --> 0:42:20.360 in a friendship, like y'all are still high schoolers. I 0:42:20.480 --> 0:42:23.200 was like a I personally gave nothing. 0:42:23.520 --> 0:42:25.080 Yeah, no one knew nothing about me. 0:42:25.360 --> 0:42:27.920 Yeah, Like I literally not even until I moved to 0:42:28.040 --> 0:42:30.759 LA did I even start to kind of open up 0:42:30.760 --> 0:42:31.360 to my friends. 0:42:31.400 --> 0:42:33.880 This just sparked a crazy thought in my brain. But 0:42:34.040 --> 0:42:36.879 like I see a lot of comments like on whether 0:42:36.920 --> 0:42:41.600 it's our videos, Josh's videos, your videos, the podcast, Dana's videos, whatever. 0:42:41.640 --> 0:42:43.839 It is, Like I wish I had friends like this, 0:42:44.480 --> 0:42:47.120 Like I like I long for like friendships like this, 0:42:47.640 --> 0:42:50.280 Like when I was y'all's age, I didn't have friends 0:42:50.280 --> 0:42:53.080 like this. Yeah, we did not have just like literally, 0:42:53.719 --> 0:42:56.880 like as you mature and get older, you start developing 0:42:56.880 --> 0:43:00.000 these relationships with people that have similar interest to you, 0:43:00.280 --> 0:43:04.160 and like there's always time to make like fucking long 0:43:04.480 --> 0:43:08.880 term relationships. But like I only fuck with two people 0:43:08.920 --> 0:43:11.719 from my high school experience, like and that's Hunter and Tag, 0:43:11.840 --> 0:43:13.799 Like those are my rider dies, Like those are the 0:43:13.840 --> 0:43:17.040 two like people from high school that like know almost 0:43:17.080 --> 0:43:19.279 everything about me, Like those are the two people, but 0:43:19.360 --> 0:43:21.960 we didn't start getting close until after high school. Like 0:43:22.320 --> 0:43:24.360 I was friends with them in high school, but we 0:43:24.400 --> 0:43:26.960 didn't know each other until after high school. And I 0:43:27.000 --> 0:43:30.040 think that's just like a thought to have in mind, 0:43:30.160 --> 0:43:32.920 like obviously, don't stop putting yourself out there and like 0:43:32.960 --> 0:43:34.120 trying to make these connections. 0:43:34.160 --> 0:43:37.959 But yeah, I like, I can't speak from experience because 0:43:37.960 --> 0:43:40.640 I didn't have I can't speak from the experience of 0:43:40.680 --> 0:43:43.120 what having close friends in high school how that can 0:43:43.239 --> 0:43:47.440 benefit you. But I didn't have that and I it 0:43:47.840 --> 0:43:50.560 never But I guess the difference was it never bothered 0:43:50.600 --> 0:43:51.279 me because. 0:43:51.040 --> 0:43:56.600 I almost I knew I wouldn't be able to because 0:43:56.680 --> 0:43:59.680 like I had such a busy and like strict home life, 0:43:59.719 --> 0:44:02.760 Like I like didn't get to go out with friends 0:44:02.840 --> 0:44:05.200 because like my dad was just like always worried about 0:44:05.239 --> 0:44:07.560 us getting involved in shit, and like he didn't want 0:44:07.560 --> 0:44:08.160 that to happen. 0:44:08.360 --> 0:44:10.600 And also on top of everything, like we had younger 0:44:10.680 --> 0:44:12.560 siblings and my parents worked all the time, so I 0:44:12.600 --> 0:44:15.600 was always home watching my younger siblings. Like there was 0:44:15.800 --> 0:44:17.560 so much happening in my personal life that I like 0:44:18.120 --> 0:44:20.719 couldn't make time for that. And I also did not 0:44:21.480 --> 0:44:23.920 crave that at all for some reason, like I was. 0:44:24.880 --> 0:44:27.719 I think I've always been like a really funny mix 0:44:27.760 --> 0:44:31.400 on YouTube of like being very extroverted but not actually 0:44:31.600 --> 0:44:36.160 like it's like this like facade of Like I guess 0:44:36.160 --> 0:44:40.840 maybe it's different for us, because like I think I've 0:44:42.000 --> 0:44:43.640 I don't know how to say this about being mean, 0:44:43.719 --> 0:44:46.200 but like I think we work really well together in 0:44:46.239 --> 0:44:49.319 social settings, but I think a part maybe I like 0:44:49.400 --> 0:44:54.000 can be solo in social settings a little better than Yeah, 0:44:54.560 --> 0:44:56.359 and like I've always done a good job of Like 0:44:57.719 --> 0:44:59.799 I think that's why I like Marvelous missus Maisel so much, 0:44:59.920 --> 0:45:03.239 is like I like see myself in that character a 0:45:03.280 --> 0:45:05.319 little bit of like being able to get in front 0:45:05.320 --> 0:45:08.319 of a crowd and like really thriving off of like 0:45:08.400 --> 0:45:11.400 attention and making strangers laugh and like talking to random 0:45:11.400 --> 0:45:14.080 people and stuff like that. But I would never go 0:45:14.280 --> 0:45:16.239 out of my way to do that, like, and I've 0:45:16.239 --> 0:45:18.480 never been like that. I've never been someone to go 0:45:18.560 --> 0:45:20.840 out of my way to be put in a social 0:45:21.360 --> 0:45:25.279 setting or like social situation. As I've gotten older, I've 0:45:25.320 --> 0:45:26.799 tried to do that. But as a high school I 0:45:26.800 --> 0:45:29.200 literally could not give a fuck about having friends because 0:45:29.239 --> 0:45:34.480 for me personally, I was dealing with so much like mental, 0:45:34.880 --> 0:45:41.400 so so much mental like frustrations and like my depression 0:45:41.640 --> 0:45:43.880 and like family life and all this stuff that the 0:45:43.960 --> 0:45:47.160 last thing I wanted was like to one get a 0:45:47.239 --> 0:45:50.040 random high schooler involved with my life. Even though I 0:45:50.120 --> 0:45:52.560 was a high schooler, I didn't want to get anyone involved, 0:45:52.600 --> 0:45:55.239 And like I wasn't a very open person, so I 0:45:55.360 --> 0:45:59.439 was like all of my friends were very school base, 0:46:00.160 --> 0:46:02.799 and even in school, I wasn't very social because again 0:46:03.000 --> 0:46:04.279 I just couldn't give a fuck, I'm like. 0:46:04.640 --> 0:46:07.600 That's another thing to be said, is like all these 0:46:07.680 --> 0:46:11.160 like friendships and relationships you have now, like like I'm 0:46:11.200 --> 0:46:15.839 only speaking to like young younger people because it is 0:46:16.040 --> 0:46:19.200 a completely different and also it's a different experience for everybody. 0:46:19.200 --> 0:46:21.319 But like these relationships that you have now are kind 0:46:21.320 --> 0:46:25.480 of like forced upon you, like like they're just circumstantial 0:46:26.600 --> 0:46:30.239 friendships and whatever, and like you'll find your people like 0:46:30.680 --> 0:46:36.480 when you start living life actually, whether that's like before college. 0:46:36.080 --> 0:46:38.720 After I mean during college, or like even after. 0:46:38.920 --> 0:46:40.840 Like that's why even in college, you're still in a 0:46:40.840 --> 0:46:43.799 position where like these are people who are like available 0:46:43.840 --> 0:46:46.560 to you, and you make the best out of those situations. 0:46:46.600 --> 0:46:48.360 And not to say you can't find good friends as 0:46:48.400 --> 0:46:50.600 a situation, but o those situations because I have like 0:46:50.680 --> 0:46:53.919 cyrus Aicard, like like I know a bunch of people 0:46:53.920 --> 0:46:57.160 from high school who I'm still like not the closest to, 0:46:57.360 --> 0:47:00.360 but I like still like hold those relationships to my 0:47:00.360 --> 0:47:02.239 heart because I'm like those people. But even that was 0:47:02.280 --> 0:47:04.560 different because like those are like some of the people 0:47:04.560 --> 0:47:08.759 who I actually was emotionally vulnerable with, but even that 0:47:08.880 --> 0:47:11.760 was after high school. Like after high school, I built 0:47:11.800 --> 0:47:14.960 those relationships and like after I had myself figured out 0:47:14.960 --> 0:47:17.040 a little more, I was able to turn back and like, 0:47:17.320 --> 0:47:19.480 these are relationships that I like love and like want 0:47:19.480 --> 0:47:22.719 to cater to. It's just like, dude, you're a kid, 0:47:22.800 --> 0:47:26.640 Like you don't you have all your life to make friends. 0:47:26.719 --> 0:47:29.000 And I know that maybe that's not what you want 0:47:29.040 --> 0:47:31.279 to hear, what you want to hear, especially if like 0:47:31.440 --> 0:47:34.799 the one thing you're craving is that social connection. But 0:47:34.840 --> 0:47:38.280 it's also just like harder when they're social media involved, 0:47:38.320 --> 0:47:42.680 because when we were fifteen, we weren't seeing like groups 0:47:42.760 --> 0:47:47.040 like ours, Like we're the same age as most of 0:47:47.080 --> 0:47:50.200 the other like friend groups on the internet right now, 0:47:50.600 --> 0:47:54.520 so like, and I think a lot of people because 0:47:54.560 --> 0:47:59.120 we look young, it's easy to like or I don't know, 0:47:59.200 --> 0:48:01.400 I guess I don't know how like our viewers view us, 0:48:01.400 --> 0:48:02.160 But in my head. 0:48:02.000 --> 0:48:04.880 Sometimes I feel like most of our audiences our age. 0:48:04.960 --> 0:48:07.040 I feel like most of them, at least, like the 0:48:07.600 --> 0:48:12.160 like analytics on my video like say that they're like older, 0:48:13.239 --> 0:48:14.080 which is awesome. 0:48:14.440 --> 0:48:18.400 Yeah, I feel like maybe because it's like. 0:48:17.200 --> 0:48:19.319 Like they grew up with us, which is so fucking cool. 0:48:19.560 --> 0:48:22.560 Yeah, But what I was trying to say is like 0:48:23.360 --> 0:48:30.560 it's easy to to like believe that you guys should 0:48:30.560 --> 0:48:33.319 have friends like we do, but you have you also 0:48:33.360 --> 0:48:36.520 have to think about the odd fucking circumstances me Drew 0:48:36.560 --> 0:48:39.360 and our friends fell into it. It really is not common, 0:48:39.680 --> 0:48:42.359 and it's also really not that common to have friend 0:48:42.400 --> 0:48:45.840 groups like ours. It's just it is a very not 0:48:45.920 --> 0:48:48.239 to be like we're so fucking special because we all 0:48:48.280 --> 0:48:51.800 have our issues and shit. But I've met many, many 0:48:51.880 --> 0:48:55.040 people who are in friend groups who do not function 0:48:55.120 --> 0:48:58.560 the way we do. And we just, like Josh said 0:48:58.560 --> 0:49:00.840 it perfectly one time when he was like in a 0:49:00.880 --> 0:49:04.000 weird way, I think we were all like, without realizing it, 0:49:04.040 --> 0:49:06.280 looking for the same thing in a group of people 0:49:06.800 --> 0:49:09.680 and we just got lucky and like all together. Yeah, 0:49:11.680 --> 0:49:14.160 so really don't even like think you can have this. 0:49:14.120 --> 0:49:17.160 Because yeah, it's unobtainable, Like we're unobtainable. 0:49:17.280 --> 0:49:20.080 Like everything we do and say is just like you 0:49:20.120 --> 0:49:20.680 can't have it. 0:49:20.719 --> 0:49:22.680 And that's why we'll be hosting the Emmys. 0:49:22.840 --> 0:49:26.560 Yes, that's our announcement for this podcast is We're hosting 0:49:26.600 --> 0:49:27.960 the twenty twenty two Emmys. 0:49:29.160 --> 0:49:32.640 So excited. We're being dressed by Derek Glasglow. 0:49:33.640 --> 0:49:36.080 Okay, Derek, Okay, why the fuck has said Derek hit us? 0:49:36.239 --> 0:49:40.919 I know, Like, why hasn't Mark Jacobs hit us up again? 0:49:40.960 --> 0:49:41.600 Send us? 0:49:41.719 --> 0:49:44.320 Yeah, to send mister Mark. 0:49:44.080 --> 0:49:46.800 Mark make we're thinking of you. 0:49:46.960 --> 0:49:49.680 We're the Mark Barbies, Like did you forget about us? 0:49:49.760 --> 0:49:51.919 We have a picture of Mark up on the wall 0:49:51.960 --> 0:49:54.160 for the next episode and someone from the team is 0:49:54.160 --> 0:49:55.560 gonna send it to me. It's gonna be like. 0:49:55.719 --> 0:49:58.160 No, no, no, no no no. 0:49:57.719 --> 0:50:00.880 Take it down. Blow them u one of the pictures 0:50:00.920 --> 0:50:03.440 of him from from under the glass and like put 0:50:03.480 --> 0:50:04.000 it up. 0:50:04.080 --> 0:50:05.560 Like how the fuck do they have that? 0:50:05.920 --> 0:50:09.000 How do they have Derek glass Glow? That's not his name. 0:50:09.360 --> 0:50:13.239 It's probably like Blasberg or something like that from Louis 0:50:13.480 --> 0:50:14.719 or fashion YouTube. 0:50:15.200 --> 0:50:16.120 Derek, let me know. 0:50:17.520 --> 0:50:19.839 We've even like touched on fashion YouTube. That's why. 0:50:20.600 --> 0:50:21.480 No, that's me. 0:50:21.600 --> 0:50:24.720 This entire week, I'm like I'm struggling with like okay, 0:50:25.120 --> 0:50:27.160 like I want to be there, but what if I 0:50:27.239 --> 0:50:30.960 contributed to the fashion space? I mean I'm serving looks 0:50:31.000 --> 0:50:33.840 today like I'm giving like what was supposed to be gave. 0:50:33.719 --> 0:50:34.560 Like I hit the Yeah. 0:50:34.560 --> 0:50:36.640 I think what it is is because we both like 0:50:36.760 --> 0:50:39.040 are like feel confident about the way we dress, so 0:50:39.080 --> 0:50:41.120 we just believe we should be there, but that's literally 0:50:41.200 --> 0:50:43.919 everybody on planet Earth. Like we are no different, Like. 0:50:44.640 --> 0:50:46.920 I think you should be, like I should not be 0:50:47.120 --> 0:50:50.320 in any of those spaces. But bitch, you have influenced 0:50:51.239 --> 0:50:54.960 the younger generation of fashion so much more than any 0:50:55.239 --> 0:50:57.640 like I will say it with my fucking chest, than 0:50:57.800 --> 0:51:01.520 any other fucking person on the Internet period. What happens 0:51:01.920 --> 0:51:06.520 is these other bigger creators and influencers see the way 0:51:06.520 --> 0:51:11.200 you're dressing, mimic it, tone it down, take it for 0:51:11.239 --> 0:51:14.520 their own, and they get the credit. But I mean, 0:51:14.600 --> 0:51:16.439 that's just my point of view on it, and I'm 0:51:16.440 --> 0:51:18.279 biased because I love you, and I don't think you 0:51:18.280 --> 0:51:21.719 get the credit you deserve. But thank you don't have 0:51:21.800 --> 0:51:24.000 to take that. You can completely deny and be like, yeah, 0:51:24.239 --> 0:51:25.320 you're completely wrong. 0:51:25.520 --> 0:51:28.560 I don't know. I think like at this point, I'm 0:51:28.640 --> 0:51:31.640 just like, the Internet is so big and I don't 0:51:31.640 --> 0:51:34.759 it's gone beyond it's beyond me. So I don't know 0:51:34.800 --> 0:51:37.959 if like I have, I don't know. It's that weird 0:51:37.960 --> 0:51:39.520 thing of like I'm not trying to sit here and 0:51:39.560 --> 0:51:43.160 be like I do things. I don't know. I just 0:51:43.280 --> 0:51:45.360 think I don't fucking care. I just like and I 0:51:46.080 --> 0:51:49.000 don't know that I care about wanting flowers for anything, 0:51:49.320 --> 0:51:51.160 because a lot of shit I do is like I'm 0:51:51.200 --> 0:51:54.120 not doing it with the intention of being like of course, 0:51:54.200 --> 0:51:56.040 sometimes when I post this something, I'm like, oh, I 0:51:56.560 --> 0:51:58.480 just got this, I should post it so that like 0:51:58.600 --> 0:52:01.480 I don't know, like that's part of being an influencer. 0:52:01.600 --> 0:52:04.400 It's like, yeah, you like you do a lot of 0:52:05.680 --> 0:52:08.000 I don't know. That's a whole other conversation. I get 0:52:08.120 --> 0:52:10.759 very nervous about talking about this because I think like 0:52:10.840 --> 0:52:14.440 every big influencer is like doing their own thing in 0:52:14.480 --> 0:52:17.680 a way, but like obviously we're all being inspired by 0:52:17.760 --> 0:52:20.520 very similar things and then being inspired by each other 0:52:20.600 --> 0:52:24.120 even so it like kind of bounces off. But then 0:52:24.160 --> 0:52:26.560 you get into like the thing of like everybody wants 0:52:26.640 --> 0:52:28.759 to say who did this and who did that? And 0:52:28.800 --> 0:52:31.600 then it becomes like this weird anger thing, like it's 0:52:31.640 --> 0:52:34.399 no longer a thing of like I got this from 0:52:34.480 --> 0:52:37.200 this person. It's like someone could be like, oh I 0:52:37.239 --> 0:52:39.440 got this from Enya, and then someone who doesn't like 0:52:39.440 --> 0:52:40.880 me could be like fuck her, like I didn't get 0:52:40.920 --> 0:52:42.839 it from her. Fuck her. Like it's just like all 0:52:42.920 --> 0:52:45.279 this like rage, but thank you very much, and I 0:52:45.320 --> 0:52:49.799 like am very like flattered when people are inspired by me. 0:52:49.840 --> 0:52:52.480 But yeah, I don't know that I'm like necessarily catering 0:52:52.520 --> 0:52:54.080 anything to the world ever. So I'm just like I 0:52:54.080 --> 0:52:56.560 don't like I just want to be places like I 0:52:56.600 --> 0:52:57.000 just want. 0:52:56.840 --> 0:53:01.640 To go invite just we're like, just invite us. 0:53:01.680 --> 0:53:03.960 And then every time we talk about going to event 0:53:03.960 --> 0:53:06.239 where like we got belliterally drunk, we stole. 0:53:06.040 --> 0:53:11.440 Something, we're evil, we're obnoxious, demen kill. 0:53:11.360 --> 0:53:18.200 Me, slay may. Yeah, I just like, bitch, let me go, 0:53:17.480 --> 0:53:21.680 here go, here go. 0:53:23.800 --> 0:53:25.160 What else is there to talk about? 0:53:25.360 --> 0:53:27.640 I was gonna say something else and then I complete 0:53:27.840 --> 0:53:30.279 left for loot. But I think we I don't know, 0:53:30.920 --> 0:53:33.880 is this our first like serious episode where we talk 0:53:33.920 --> 0:53:34.839 about something like that. 0:53:35.120 --> 0:53:35.520 I don't know. 0:53:35.560 --> 0:53:37.399 We should put a trigger warning in the beginning though, 0:53:38.000 --> 0:53:38.560 we should be. 0:53:38.520 --> 0:53:48.040 Like depression depress. It's always like like I never I've 0:53:48.200 --> 0:53:50.840 found and I talk about this in like a YouTube 0:53:50.920 --> 0:53:54.319 video that I want to post, but I find I'll 0:53:54.360 --> 0:53:58.920 say it here too. I find that, like as I 0:53:58.920 --> 0:54:01.839 I don't know that I'm necess growing as like an 0:54:01.840 --> 0:54:05.759 influencer anymore again, But that's like my imposter syndrome. I 0:54:05.840 --> 0:54:08.279 like literally think by each year, I'm like less and 0:54:08.320 --> 0:54:10.640 less important, and hopefully by like the age twenty five, 0:54:10.680 --> 0:54:13.000 I'll just be like nothing to everybody. 0:54:12.640 --> 0:54:15.319 And we can move away and I'll go live in. 0:54:15.280 --> 0:54:19.640 The fucking villages. I'll go live in the pilgrimage. I 0:54:19.680 --> 0:54:21.920 obviously don't actually want that. I would like to be 0:54:21.960 --> 0:54:24.239 successful and like be like an actress or some shit 0:54:24.280 --> 0:54:29.960 at some point, but whatever. As I like get older 0:54:30.200 --> 0:54:32.440 on the Internet, I don't know that I've ever been 0:54:32.640 --> 0:54:36.160 super super open like I think I've done a good 0:54:36.239 --> 0:54:40.879 job of being like very expressive and serious about where 0:54:40.880 --> 0:54:42.920 I'm at in my life and the things I've experienced 0:54:43.000 --> 0:54:46.439 without being so vulnerable that I feel like everybody knows 0:54:46.440 --> 0:54:49.360 everything about me. But as I got i've gotten older, 0:54:49.880 --> 0:54:53.600 I've realized that I really cling on to the idea 0:54:53.600 --> 0:54:58.120 of privacy because I am not that as open as 0:54:58.160 --> 0:55:00.759 I've become. I'm not that open of a person, and 0:55:00.800 --> 0:55:03.920 I don't like people knowing everything about me, even like 0:55:03.960 --> 0:55:07.160 people i'm very close to, like I like, I like 0:55:07.239 --> 0:55:09.960 save a bit of myself and like every interaction I have. 0:55:10.640 --> 0:55:13.680 And as I get older, it's weirdly harder to be 0:55:13.760 --> 0:55:17.239 a person on the internet for me, because I feel 0:55:17.280 --> 0:55:19.880 like I'm like giving less and less of myself, which 0:55:19.920 --> 0:55:23.600 makes me feel like people are less and less intrigued 0:55:23.680 --> 0:55:25.600 with the idea of like keeping up with me because 0:55:25.600 --> 0:55:27.560 the thing I used to give was like myself. 0:55:27.719 --> 0:55:30.480 Yeah, that's like something I've been like over the last 0:55:30.520 --> 0:55:36.239 two years, just like completely just being unrelatable, like not 0:55:36.280 --> 0:55:38.680 on purpose, I just like or kind of on purpose, 0:55:38.719 --> 0:55:41.920 Like I don't want people to know to know these things. 0:55:41.920 --> 0:55:43.920 And I think that's like a huge part of being 0:55:43.920 --> 0:55:49.279 an influencer though, is being relatable and like being vulnerable 0:55:49.640 --> 0:55:51.000 and whatever. 0:55:51.239 --> 0:55:53.960 Yeah, I just like, I'm, yeah, I'm I have a 0:55:53.960 --> 0:55:54.520 hard time li. 0:55:54.640 --> 0:55:57.520 I just want to be uber a list celebrity. 0:55:57.560 --> 0:55:59.879 Everyone knows everything about me, even if I don't want 0:55:59.880 --> 0:56:02.720 to too. And then but I also have eighty million 0:56:02.760 --> 0:56:05.800 dollars and can retire for the rest of my life 0:56:05.840 --> 0:56:09.160 and never say anything to anybody and just let people's 0:56:09.280 --> 0:56:10.480 opinions fester about me. 0:56:11.480 --> 0:56:14.719 See, I want like the complete opposite, but kind of 0:56:14.760 --> 0:56:17.680 like I just want to be like solid enough in 0:56:17.719 --> 0:56:20.080 grounding and in life and feel like I can do 0:56:20.400 --> 0:56:20.959 what I want. 0:56:21.000 --> 0:56:22.000 Oh, I don't want that. 0:56:23.120 --> 0:56:24.680 I was like, I was like that was really off 0:56:24.719 --> 0:56:27.520 the wall and like probably the most. Like I was, like, 0:56:27.680 --> 0:56:29.120 we learned something new every day. 0:56:29.320 --> 0:56:34.360 No, I genuinely want to win the lottery and disappear. 0:56:34.719 --> 0:56:35.399 That's my goal. 0:56:35.560 --> 0:56:37.560 I just want to be able to like create good. 0:56:37.600 --> 0:56:40.680 I haven't been manifesting that recently. Actually, I need to 0:56:40.719 --> 0:56:41.600 start manifesting that. 0:56:41.800 --> 0:56:44.279 You were trying to manifest you winning the lottery since 0:56:44.320 --> 0:56:46.480 twenty eighteen, and you did it for two years and 0:56:46.520 --> 0:56:47.120 it didn't happen. 0:56:47.160 --> 0:56:51.040 I just haven't been buying lottery tickets. That's the thing. 0:56:51.560 --> 0:56:54.400 I don't know if y'all know this about me, but 0:56:55.120 --> 0:56:55.520 in my. 0:56:55.480 --> 0:56:58.880 Lifetime, somewhere in my lifetime, I will win the lottery, 0:56:59.000 --> 0:57:02.640 and there's no way around it. It will be. It's 0:57:02.680 --> 0:57:05.360 just in my cards. I truly believe that it's in 0:57:05.400 --> 0:57:09.520 my cards. And eventually it'll happen. It'll become a reality, 0:57:09.800 --> 0:57:13.200 and I'll be rich over night and y'all will never. 0:57:13.040 --> 0:57:13.640 See me again. 0:57:13.760 --> 0:57:16.560 I'll just move away, and yeah, that's gonna be my 0:57:16.640 --> 0:57:19.800 new life. I'll probably buy, like, I don't know where, 0:57:19.920 --> 0:57:21.920 I'd probably live in the French breeze countryside. 0:57:21.960 --> 0:57:23.040 I'd probably buy a chateau. 0:57:23.200 --> 0:57:25.000 I'll always say that, and it pisses me off. Because 0:57:25.040 --> 0:57:26.880 I don't want you to live in France because there 0:57:26.880 --> 0:57:29.040 our time difference and like how long it would take 0:57:29.120 --> 0:57:31.560 me to get to France would like destroy a relationship. 0:57:32.680 --> 0:57:35.320 If that's what happens, that's what happens. Man. For anything 0:57:35.360 --> 0:57:37.120 from my sheep, anything from. 0:57:37.040 --> 0:57:39.080 My sheep, my sheep, Well, you're a fucking sheep. 0:57:39.520 --> 0:57:42.840 Damn all the people getting vaccines, y'allar sheep, your your 0:57:42.920 --> 0:57:44.920 sheps and ya sheep person. 0:57:46.960 --> 0:57:49.600 But yeah, I literally I don't fucking know, man, I could, 0:57:49.640 --> 0:57:51.919 I could talk about this forever, but yeah, I guess. 0:57:51.960 --> 0:57:53.880 Also I've said this before. It's like I got a 0:57:53.920 --> 0:57:56.200 therapist now. So I'm like, I don't feel the need 0:57:56.240 --> 0:57:59.520 to like be on Twitter press myself like that openly, 0:57:59.560 --> 0:58:01.840 although I know like it was a safe face for people, 0:58:01.880 --> 0:58:03.680 but I don't know, as I've gotten older, I'm like, 0:58:04.760 --> 0:58:08.240 that's not my job, not even that because I like 0:58:08.240 --> 0:58:11.680 like doing it and not that it's like become embarrassing, 0:58:11.840 --> 0:58:15.320 but I'm just like, again, I like to reserve that 0:58:15.600 --> 0:58:17.680 for myself. And I also I never wanted to be 0:58:17.840 --> 0:58:22.920 like a situation of people who look at my life 0:58:22.960 --> 0:58:26.000 and maybe want to be where I'm at, and like 0:58:27.000 --> 0:58:29.320 people who maybe look in and feel like I have 0:58:29.520 --> 0:58:34.080 everything they want and see that I'm still struggling mentally. 0:58:34.480 --> 0:58:40.800 I don't want that to be ever like what's it called? 0:58:42.480 --> 0:58:48.480 Not disappointing, but like like just them being like if 0:58:48.640 --> 0:58:50.840 if she can't have it all, if she has it 0:58:50.880 --> 0:58:52.720 all and like still feels like that, what's the point 0:58:52.760 --> 0:58:55.040 of me going on? Like I never want that to 0:58:55.080 --> 0:58:55.960 be like the way it's all. 0:58:56.000 --> 0:59:01.520 Oh, that's literally just like brain chemistry. Shit, brain is off. 0:59:01.640 --> 0:59:02.560 Not everyone's is. 0:59:06.240 --> 0:59:08.800 Come on, girl, everybody feels like this, man. But yeah, 0:59:08.800 --> 0:59:11.480 I don't know. But again, I also understand that seeing 0:59:11.520 --> 0:59:13.400 someone like in me and Drew's position and knowing that 0:59:13.440 --> 0:59:18.960 we still struggle could also be like calming for your 0:59:18.960 --> 0:59:21.880 brain and feel good. Drew's literally getting ready for his 0:59:21.920 --> 0:59:23.720 fucking media and that's why he's like not saying anything 0:59:23.760 --> 0:59:25.920 because he's looking through his goddamn letterbox right now. 0:59:26.200 --> 0:59:28.200 Oh yeah, oh yeah. 0:59:27.760 --> 0:59:32.480 All right. With all that being said. 0:59:33.280 --> 0:59:36.440 Doozy man, I know we started it was so fun 0:59:36.480 --> 0:59:37.160 and then got. 0:59:37.640 --> 0:59:40.080 So deep episode. 0:59:40.520 --> 0:59:43.480 Let us know if you like that, But if you 0:59:43.520 --> 0:59:45.439 don't like it, don't fucking say shit, because I'll stop 0:59:45.480 --> 0:59:46.200 the fuck out of you. 0:59:46.320 --> 0:59:50.880 Yeah, keep your negative criticisms and thoughts to yourself at 0:59:50.920 --> 0:59:52.800 all times. I genuinely believe that, like, if you don't 0:59:52.840 --> 0:59:54.240 have something nice to say, don't say no. 0:59:54.400 --> 0:59:57.360 Sometimes I like to be told if something I'm doing 0:59:57.360 --> 1:00:00.520 a stupid I like need that because I like, oh, 1:00:00.680 --> 1:00:02.720 maybe I don't because I always think what I'm doing 1:00:02.760 --> 1:00:04.440 is stupid. So maybe the last thing I need to 1:00:04.440 --> 1:00:05.040 be told. 1:00:04.840 --> 1:00:06.120 Is like, yeah, reinforcing that. 1:00:06.280 --> 1:00:08.960 Yeah, you're right, you're dumb. Are you gonna go first? 1:00:09.040 --> 1:00:10.560 Or are you gonna fucking like sit down forever? 1:00:10.640 --> 1:00:14.000 Bitch? I don't know. I haven't watched anything. I don't 1:00:14.080 --> 1:00:14.680 have anything. 1:00:15.480 --> 1:00:17.280 We watched the Arrival together? 1:00:17.920 --> 1:00:19.040 Oh yeah Rival? 1:00:19.320 --> 1:00:19.520 Yeah? 1:00:19.640 --> 1:00:19.880 Wait? 1:00:19.880 --> 1:00:22.439 Did we talk about that in the last episode? No? 1:00:24.040 --> 1:00:24.560 Maybe we did? 1:00:24.760 --> 1:00:27.080 Did I think we did? 1:00:27.680 --> 1:00:34.960 Did we? Okay, I'm gonna say, dude, I think I 1:00:35.040 --> 1:00:38.840 like said these movies in my last fucking the last episode, 1:00:38.840 --> 1:00:40.520 I talked, yeah, because I talked about the Farewell, I 1:00:40.560 --> 1:00:43.080 talked about Arrival. I don't know if I talked about 1:00:43.160 --> 1:00:45.600 letter Room. But I need to watch Marriage Story because 1:00:45.600 --> 1:00:48.080 the guy from letter Room is in it. What's his name, 1:00:48.920 --> 1:00:50.160 Adam d Elvira? 1:00:51.600 --> 1:00:51.840 Wait? 1:00:51.880 --> 1:00:52.760 Is this the same guy? 1:00:53.480 --> 1:00:53.720 No? 1:00:53.760 --> 1:00:57.120 Not? No, you're thinking of marriage. Oh did I already 1:00:57.160 --> 1:01:00.040 said marriage story? I meant to say, like, it's like, 1:01:00.840 --> 1:01:03.040 it's the fuck. Sorry, I'm like, I can't think of 1:01:03.080 --> 1:01:06.400 the name. Way, it's fucking it's like a look into 1:01:06.440 --> 1:01:14.520 a marriage or something. It's like, not it's marriage story. No, ruh, right, 1:01:14.720 --> 1:01:17.960 fucking kidding me, I can't think of the name. Wait, guys, 1:01:19.160 --> 1:01:24.680 marriage HBO Max. It's like on HBO Max scenes from 1:01:24.720 --> 1:01:28.840 a marriage. I need to see scenes from a marriage. Okay, No, 1:01:30.160 --> 1:01:35.760 Oscar Isaac is so fucking sexy, Like he literally is 1:01:35.920 --> 1:01:39.320 so sexy. Yeah, see, Oscar Isaac is in this is 1:01:39.360 --> 1:01:42.440 in the letter Room too. He looks so fucking sexy 1:01:42.480 --> 1:01:45.080 in it, and then he looks so he's just sexy. 1:01:46.320 --> 1:01:47.680 But I need to see that movie. But I saw 1:01:47.720 --> 1:01:49.640 The letter Room and he was in that, and not 1:01:49.680 --> 1:01:51.480 only is he sexy, but it's good and it's a 1:01:51.480 --> 1:01:53.640 short film and it's like thirty minutes long, and he's 1:01:53.720 --> 1:01:56.040 so sexy and it's like specifically just him in the 1:01:56.040 --> 1:01:58.360 whole movie. So it's just watching like a sexy man 1:01:58.440 --> 1:01:59.000 be sexy. 1:01:59.280 --> 1:02:03.000 Ooh nice nice, nice, nice, nice nice. Oh. 1:02:03.040 --> 1:02:05.840 And I started marvelous missus Masel and I literally fucking 1:02:05.880 --> 1:02:07.840 love it. And I'm already on season two and they're 1:02:07.840 --> 1:02:11.360 in Paris right now. Spoiler. But I want to go 1:02:11.480 --> 1:02:13.880 so fucking bad and I'm gonna die. 1:02:14.160 --> 1:02:16.440 Mark Jacobs fly us out to Paris. 1:02:17.000 --> 1:02:18.720 JU go go for your thinking. 1:02:19.000 --> 1:02:26.640 Um okay, well, since I didn't watch really anything watch um, 1:02:29.880 --> 1:02:31.680 I just have a bunch of movies and some I 1:02:31.720 --> 1:02:35.200 don't feel comfortable suggesting because they're really gnarly. 1:02:36.120 --> 1:02:40.680 Um do you want me to say by music? Yeah, okay, 1:02:40.800 --> 1:02:41.640 here's my music. 1:02:41.880 --> 1:02:42.120 Fuck. 1:02:42.160 --> 1:02:44.720 I I like literally can't remember what I said last week, 1:02:44.760 --> 1:02:54.400 so I'm scared I'm gonna repeat. But City Moon by Flux, Yeah, 1:02:54.520 --> 1:02:57.560 City Moon by Flux, that whole album is really fucking good. 1:02:58.920 --> 1:03:01.120 I'm just so different and I listen to like like 1:03:01.200 --> 1:03:04.640 artists on Spotify, was like, no fucking follower, I'm just 1:03:04.680 --> 1:03:10.960 really different. And then hmmm, I like, I'm still such 1:03:11.000 --> 1:03:13.600 a bitch and I'm like gatekeepy as fuck and it's 1:03:13.600 --> 1:03:15.720 so annoying because I like don't want to do that. 1:03:16.240 --> 1:03:21.400 But I love Blossom Deary so fucking much. And I 1:03:21.440 --> 1:03:24.000 as I was listening to Marvelous missus Masel, they used 1:03:24.040 --> 1:03:25.560 one of her songs and I was like, oh my god, 1:03:25.600 --> 1:03:28.280 I love this so much. And then I realized that 1:03:28.280 --> 1:03:31.720 Marvelous Missus Masel uses like a Blossom Deary song in 1:03:31.800 --> 1:03:35.120 every single episode, and it's literally everything I've ever wanted 1:03:35.160 --> 1:03:37.760 a show about a fucking female comedian. 1:03:38.200 --> 1:03:40.240 Remember when I told you to watch it and you 1:03:40.320 --> 1:03:40.880 ignored me? 1:03:41.080 --> 1:03:43.840 Yeah, I know. And sometimes like I just ignore people 1:03:43.840 --> 1:03:45.920 and it's good for them, Like it's good. It like 1:03:46.000 --> 1:03:47.960 reinforces you that the things you say as a man 1:03:47.960 --> 1:03:50.280 are unimportant and that's why I do it. 1:03:52.000 --> 1:03:56.120 Wow, seriously, what the heck? What the heck is wrong? 1:03:56.320 --> 1:03:59.600 Yeah, any Blossom Deary song? But baby you're my kind 1:03:59.680 --> 1:04:03.000 and hey John or my favorite right now? Saving all 1:04:03.040 --> 1:04:07.120 my love for you? Was it like in My Shadows 1:04:07.160 --> 1:04:11.960 everything on the Blossom Dearies Sings album. 1:04:12.480 --> 1:04:14.000 You have been listening to us so much? 1:04:14.080 --> 1:04:16.640 Yeah, I know, Sunday Afternoon, I'm shadowing you. 1:04:16.720 --> 1:04:24.720 Somebody is a Sunday Afternoon, Monday Sunday after. 1:04:26.960 --> 1:04:30.960 And yeah I'll stop there with music Packed my Bags 1:04:30.960 --> 1:04:34.040 by Rufus and Choco Tom Yeah, and like because I've 1:04:34.080 --> 1:04:36.160 been re listening to that. But yeah, I could go 1:04:36.160 --> 1:04:37.280 on about mus forever. 1:04:38.480 --> 1:04:39.240 Music nerd. 1:04:40.760 --> 1:04:44.480 Okay, So my movie that I say y'all should or 1:04:44.560 --> 1:04:47.640 that I want you to go watch is House nineteen 1:04:47.840 --> 1:04:50.400 seventy seven, The House. 1:04:50.160 --> 1:04:51.880 I want to keep the cover what I'm thinking of. 1:04:52.360 --> 1:04:57.919 Yeah, I think it's like the perfect horror movie ever made. 1:04:57.920 --> 1:05:02.320 It's like kind of campy, it's like it's it's just 1:05:02.360 --> 1:05:04.720 really really good and it's like a great start to 1:05:05.080 --> 1:05:11.400 October spooky, spooky season. And yeah, it was just done 1:05:11.440 --> 1:05:14.120 really well. And if I mean, I'm sure literally everyone 1:05:14.160 --> 1:05:17.240 listening has probably seen it because it's like so known, but. 1:05:18.800 --> 1:05:19.800 Go check it out if you haven't. 1:05:19.880 --> 1:05:23.240 It's House nineteen it's the name of it is House, 1:05:23.720 --> 1:05:27.640 but to find it put in nineteen seventy seven. And 1:05:27.680 --> 1:05:32.560 then my music for the week is less Talk, More 1:05:32.680 --> 1:05:38.120 Rock by Freeze Pop Botanic Panic by Christopher. 1:05:39.200 --> 1:05:47.920 Magdylan Maddigan Madigan It's from the cup Head soundtrack. 1:05:49.400 --> 1:05:52.120 And then I literally didn't look what You. 1:05:52.360 --> 1:05:56.520 Touch It by Buster Rhymes because I love the intro 1:05:57.120 --> 1:05:58.080 Touch it bang? 1:05:58.880 --> 1:06:00.640 Is that it man? 1:06:01.840 --> 1:06:02.959 And it's a man? 1:06:03.880 --> 1:06:05.880 Yep. That's my media for the week. 1:06:06.000 --> 1:06:08.080 Go put it in your playlist, put it on your 1:06:08.120 --> 1:06:11.680 watch list, Get into it, yeah, get into it. 1:06:11.800 --> 1:06:12.800 Yeah. Oh. 1:06:12.840 --> 1:06:16.200 Also, final note Doja Cat is a fucking born to 1:06:16.280 --> 1:06:16.720 be pop. 1:06:16.920 --> 1:06:20.120 She is the next I mean she's already the eight geirl, 1:06:20.320 --> 1:06:23.160 but she will be solidified in human there she'll be 1:06:23.200 --> 1:06:26.240 like yeah, she'll she'll be around forever. 1:06:26.320 --> 1:06:28.400 You can perform, she can make a hit. 1:06:28.560 --> 1:06:31.720 There's not as there's not many people out right now 1:06:31.920 --> 1:06:34.240 that I can say that about. But with my whole chest, 1:06:34.400 --> 1:06:37.840 Dojo will be iconic forever pop star. 1:06:38.400 --> 1:07:10.160 Yea, all right bye, So