Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the
Speaker 1: Death of Me, a production of I Heart Radio. Hi,
Speaker 1: this is Chelsea Handler and you're listening to Life Will
Speaker 1: Be the Death of Me podcast, which is about me
Speaker 1: having life beat the Death of Me. I guess it's well,
Speaker 1: it happens to everybody, so just watch your back. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I went on the road. I started my book tour,
Speaker 1: which is unlike any tour I've done because I'm having
Speaker 1: um interviewers in different cities interview me. So I'm going
Speaker 1: to share with you one of my first shows, which
Speaker 1: was in Washington, d C. At the Warner Theater with
Speaker 1: my friend Jake Tapper, who interviewed me, which was great.
Speaker 1: A because he's a journalist and so he's really good
Speaker 1: at interviewing people. But be because he's a friend of mine,
Speaker 1: and I don't have a ton of professional friends, so
Speaker 1: I consider him to be a professional friend, even though
Speaker 1: I've seen him be unprofessional. Uh So, this is kind
Speaker 1: of the first conversation for my book tour to kind
Speaker 1: of talk to everybody about the themes of the book
Speaker 1: and all of the issues in the book that resonated
Speaker 1: with people, and where I was when I started writing
Speaker 1: it where I am now and um, where Jake Tapper
Speaker 1: and I are going, I'm gonna bring out my buddy
Speaker 1: that it wasn't that kind enough to say yes, uh
Speaker 1: to interview me tonight for this book. And he's interviewed
Speaker 1: me before. I've met him several times, and I like
Speaker 1: him a lot, and I know everybody in this room
Speaker 1: likes him. To Please welcome Jake Tapper for everyone. So
Speaker 1: the you know, Bob Muller followed his report right, and
Speaker 1: my love is not conditional, Jake. I'm waiting to see
Speaker 1: the full report. I know what you're implying, and I'm
Speaker 1: I believe in him, and we may not get what
Speaker 1: we want when we want it, but I will continue
Speaker 1: to believe in him until I'm proven to be wrong.
Speaker 1: This is a true and undying love. It's an unrequited love,
Speaker 1: is what it is. As far as we know. I
Speaker 1: mean that we don't know, Bob. Somebody told me backstage,
Speaker 1: or somebody told me a dinner who that his nickname
Speaker 1: is three Sticks, and I was like really, and she's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: three Sticks, you know because Robert Mueller the third I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, yeah, yeah, of course it's like, that's that
Speaker 1: information I need at this point with my relationship. Like
Speaker 1: I'm already crushing hard. I don't need to be visualizing
Speaker 1: that sort of equation. Where did this thing come from
Speaker 1: that he has a six packer in a pack? Where
Speaker 1: did Why do you think he sees a marine and
Speaker 1: they don't let themselves go and he's and I've seen
Speaker 1: when he walks with his jacket swinging, the way it
Speaker 1: swings around. There's stuff under there and you see the
Speaker 1: six pack or eight pack. I know what's going on
Speaker 1: underneath men's shirts. Yes, you can tell by the rest
Speaker 1: of his body. Just trust me, it's there. Okay, if
Speaker 1: we ever see him with a belly, I'll pay you.
Speaker 1: Do you want to? I want. I want you to
Speaker 1: be happy. I want it to be right. I'm just
Speaker 1: I just I thought maybe somebody had photoshop something and
Speaker 1: sent it to you and you thought it was real. Okay, No,
Speaker 1: I don't get fake news. Good good, Well. I read
Speaker 1: the book and it's great, it's very's this is your
Speaker 1: six book, correct six book, and um and uh, it's intense.
Speaker 1: It's not all comedy, it's not all laughs. It's and
Speaker 1: I want to get to some of the intense stuff.
Speaker 1: So you got Joe Biden. I really want to know
Speaker 1: what you think about Joe Biden. Um, I am so
Speaker 1: burnt out from this whole you know, situation and the
Speaker 1: mid terms that I want to be really ready to
Speaker 1: rumble in when we do have a real election. So
Speaker 1: I'm not paying attention to any of this noise right now.
Speaker 1: Other you know, I'm reading the news, I'm not listening.
Speaker 1: I'm just burnt out and I want my life back
Speaker 1: before I have to really hit the pain, before we
Speaker 1: all have to hit the pavement. So I'm not getting
Speaker 1: excited about candidates. Let them figure out who's the candidate.
Speaker 1: At this point, I will take a rock, So you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Did you have any reaction to
Speaker 1: this story a few weeks ago of of of women
Speaker 1: coming forward saying that that Joe Biden had, you know,
Speaker 1: touch their shoulders and ways, Because what I think, here's
Speaker 1: what I think about that. Sorry to interrupt you, but
Speaker 1: you know how good I am at that. I think
Speaker 1: that people who come forward with stories about having your
Speaker 1: hair blown on diminish real victims who have actually had
Speaker 1: sexual assaults and been a victim to sexual assault. And
Speaker 1: we're losing we're losing the plot of this conversation, and
Speaker 1: we're all kind of sacrificing each other. So I really
Speaker 1: wish people would get over things that aren't going to
Speaker 1: damage you for the rest of your life. And and
Speaker 1: we're spect the people who have been through something. Um.
Speaker 1: So there are a few things in this book that
Speaker 1: we're just interesting little revelations that I didn't know. One
Speaker 1: of them actually is a quality that you have that
Speaker 1: I actually share, which is you have a very keen
Speaker 1: sense of smell, you write in the book, and I
Speaker 1: have that as well, and it is a curse. It's
Speaker 1: so annoying. It's the worst thing in the world. It's
Speaker 1: so annoying because as soon as somebody like I'd prefer
Speaker 1: bo than perfume, when people wear perfume, I want to
Speaker 1: hit them. You know. I don't like fragrance and flowery
Speaker 1: smells obviously, and I don't like I don't know I
Speaker 1: have it, but I've yeah, I have a real problem
Speaker 1: with smell. It's almost like the gross smells that really
Speaker 1: gross everybody else out. I don't have a problem with,
Speaker 1: like deviled eggs, I'm fine with, or like like you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know what's another bad smell that comes out
Speaker 1: of their fridge, Like I can handle that spoiled milk
Speaker 1: or something like that. Can you can? You just it's
Speaker 1: just such a horrible quality to have. Just this ability
Speaker 1: to smell things on doesn't trigger you. It's just when
Speaker 1: I I you're the only the second person I've met
Speaker 1: that that that acknowledges having this smell that grosses you
Speaker 1: out the most. Um, you know, just anything having to
Speaker 1: do with the digestive system, anything, anything gastro intestinal. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: no one, that's not ideal for any of us. But
Speaker 1: one time I interviewed a guy in these and and
Speaker 1: it was like he has poop in his pocket or something.
Speaker 1: I don't know what. I don't know what's going on,
Speaker 1: but I am not putting this interview on TV. It's
Speaker 1: in a vault somewhere at CNN, I just because I
Speaker 1: don't know what happened. But we'll wait on that note
Speaker 1: eliminating it. Let me on the poop in the pocket.
Speaker 1: I that's a theory, it's not verified. No, I thigured
Speaker 1: you probably did it. Sounds like he did have poop
Speaker 1: in his pocket. I did ayahuasca, which I talked about
Speaker 1: in my book I went to Peru and I did
Speaker 1: this drug, this plant that they brew in to tea
Speaker 1: and it's called ayahuasca, and we filmed it for UM
Speaker 1: for Netflix. I did a special on doing drugs and
Speaker 1: UM and the shaman. You know, they warned you that
Speaker 1: you're gonna go to the bathroom through your tushi and
Speaker 1: you're gonna vomit. So I'm like on camera, I'm like, really,
Speaker 1: I I can't we just pick one of those two things?
Speaker 1: Do I have to do both? Um? But I didn't
Speaker 1: go to the bathroom. I didn't go to the bathroom
Speaker 1: of pad that happens to a lot of people. I
Speaker 1: did vomit. So my dream did come true that I
Speaker 1: could pick one. But the shaman went to the bathroom
Speaker 1: the entire ceremony in his pants and never left the
Speaker 1: room we were in. And you have a keen sense
Speaker 1: of smell, but I was so into the ayahuasca that
Speaker 1: I was able to go put that smell where it
Speaker 1: belongs in the woods. But I did go through the
Speaker 1: entire ceremony. I have one camera woman in the room
Speaker 1: with me, and she was like after she goes, oh
Speaker 1: my god, how could you focus? And I was like,
Speaker 1: I was on another planet. But I smelled it, and
Speaker 1: she goes, he just kept going and I go, oh,
Speaker 1: more than once and she goes, yes, it was repeatedly.
Speaker 1: It's on she goes, you can hear it on camera.
Speaker 1: So don't do ayahuasca, Jake. That's the moral of that story.
Speaker 1: I'm sure CNN is offering that as a side course.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to pr anytime soon, but thank you. Okay,
Speaker 1: We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 1: When I did your Netflix show, I have to say
Speaker 1: you it was it was shortly after president it was
Speaker 1: in the first year of the Trump presidency, and you
Speaker 1: were shot. You were traumatized, honestly, that's that was that,
Speaker 1: Like I like I. You asked me if things were
Speaker 1: gonna be okay. You you were really worried. And since then,
Speaker 1: and this is what the book is about, since then,
Speaker 1: you have trying to understand why you felt that way
Speaker 1: and trying to get through the process. And one of
Speaker 1: the things that is so interesting to me is how
Speaker 1: many times you talk about in your book how Donald
Speaker 1: Trump and your father, how Donald Trump reminds you of
Speaker 1: your father in some ways. UH talk about that if
Speaker 1: you would so I went to the psychiatrist. I had
Speaker 1: interviewed him on my Netflix show. He talkedor Dan Siegel,
Speaker 1: He's in my book, and I went to him because
Speaker 1: I do you know Dan? Alright? Great? Who was clapping through?
Speaker 1: Probably Dan's agent or something, I don't know. Thank you,
Speaker 1: Mrs Siegel. Dan's mom is here, proud he and he
Speaker 1: just talked about the brain in a way I was
Speaker 1: interested in, or I could pretend I was interested in.
Speaker 1: It was science. You know. They maxed a lot of hippocampus,
Speaker 1: the prefrontal cortex and vortex whatever it is, and you know,
Speaker 1: all of that stuff. And I was like, oh, I
Speaker 1: could talk to him. He knows what he's talking about,
Speaker 1: you know. And I went to him, and for the
Speaker 1: first successions I bitched and moaned about Donald Trump. I
Speaker 1: was paying somebody to listen to me because everyone was
Speaker 1: so annoyed by me. My friends were like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: can you fucking stop talking about it? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, attention.
Speaker 1: You know, I was like straight out of The Handmaid's
Speaker 1: Tale at every turn, like this is it. It's over
Speaker 1: the world is ending, you know. I was just out
Speaker 1: of hand. My rage was so high, and I would wait.
Speaker 1: I would watch CNN and and the MSNBC and be like,
Speaker 1: when are they gonna do it? Like it was gonna
Speaker 1: happen any moment that they were going to drag him
Speaker 1: out of the White House, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: like Saddam Hussein and throw him in something like I
Speaker 1: really believe that, like oh, like, oh, the shoe is
Speaker 1: about to drop any minute. So I went to this
Speaker 1: guy and I was paying him to let me bitch
Speaker 1: about Donald Trump. I would have paid him double. It
Speaker 1: was a great exchange actually, And then finally once we
Speaker 1: got passed kind of bluster, I he asked me what
Speaker 1: I wanted and I said, I need more patience. I
Speaker 1: have no patience. Everyone annoys me, everyone, And he's like,
Speaker 1: do I annoy you? And like you will at some
Speaker 1: point you will annoy me. So I would like you
Speaker 1: to help me with that. And he goes, well, let's
Speaker 1: what's talk about your life and your child till it's like,
Speaker 1: I don't need to talk about my child. My brother
Speaker 1: died when I was nine. My mom's dad, she died
Speaker 1: like five years ago, tenure, I'm not sure of time,
Speaker 1: but every my dad's dying, so like that's I'm good
Speaker 1: with death. I don't need to go over it like
Speaker 1: I want to talk about right now. I need to
Speaker 1: be a better human being and I need to be
Speaker 1: like kinder and I need to be able to talk
Speaker 1: to people who disagree with me without freaking out and
Speaker 1: my veins popping out of my neck. And then one
Speaker 1: day he walked in to a session and he handed
Speaker 1: me an orange that he said he had picked from
Speaker 1: his tree. And in that moment, he goes, hey, I
Speaker 1: thought you might like an orange. It's fresh from my tree.
Speaker 1: And I I recoiled in my brain. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: how annoying, like a fucking warm fruit? Who wants that?
Speaker 1: And like, now I have to peel it in front
Speaker 1: of him to be polite. This is l a. I
Speaker 1: don't even eat carbs, you know. And he handed it
Speaker 1: to me and I started to peel it, and I
Speaker 1: just became undone, and I was like, I needed to
Speaker 1: tell you about the day my brother died and what
Speaker 1: happened in my family, and and then I just cried
Speaker 1: and cried and cried and cried. I was like, thank
Speaker 1: you real orange, you know, trying not to cry because
Speaker 1: I had never cried in front of a person, a stranger,
Speaker 1: no way, And if I did cry, I would always
Speaker 1: pretend it was about something else, because it couldn't be
Speaker 1: about me. It had to be or Chet, my brother
Speaker 1: who died. It couldn't be about that because it would
Speaker 1: be vulnerable, and I couldn't be vulnerable, and I couldn't
Speaker 1: talk to anybody about anything. I just had to be tough.
Speaker 1: And after many sessions, he revealed to me how the
Speaker 1: world becoming unhinged with Trump was my trigger, which I'm
Speaker 1: sure millions of us had, and that that represented the
Speaker 1: world being unstable, in my life, not being safe anymore,
Speaker 1: and my whole world falling apart. And that's why I
Speaker 1: was reacting to Trump in the way that I was.
Speaker 1: Because I finally had something to put my anger on.
Speaker 1: I could say, yeah, now, and this is why I'm
Speaker 1: at him, you know. And it was huge eye opener
Speaker 1: for me, because if you hear my story, you can say, oh,
Speaker 1: of course, that's your issue. That's why you're so fierce
Speaker 1: and tough and strong. I want to be independent. I
Speaker 1: don't want a man. I don't need a man. I
Speaker 1: want to I don't need children. I'm gonna show everybody
Speaker 1: I can do everything all by myself, um, because my
Speaker 1: nine year old little girl never ever dealt with that injury.
Speaker 1: It just like a wound that became a canyon that
Speaker 1: became whatever is bigger than that, and any time you
Speaker 1: go around it or near it, it was like you
Speaker 1: know this. And he was the first person and it
Speaker 1: was the right time in my life where I was
Speaker 1: able to say, Okay, this is what happened in my family,
Speaker 1: this is what happened to my father I lost. You know,
Speaker 1: my brother sat with me the night before he went away,
Speaker 1: and he was the oldest and I was the youngest,
Speaker 1: and we were bookends. There were six kids in our family,
Speaker 1: and we were a team, like it was in my
Speaker 1: head like that six. And if we brought my parents
Speaker 1: it was two. We usually didn't bring them because they
Speaker 1: were embarrassing. But the six of us were a little team.
Speaker 1: And Chet was the captain and I was the mascot.
Speaker 1: And he said to me the night before he left
Speaker 1: for that trip, you know, I go, why are you leaving?
Speaker 1: I don't want to drive to the viney We're going
Speaker 1: to Martha's vineor My parents had a summer house and
Speaker 1: that sounds a lot more glamorous than it actually was,
Speaker 1: but it was idyllic in many respects. And he said,
Speaker 1: I I'm going hiking with my friends. He had just
Speaker 1: graduated from college. He said, I'm going hiking with my
Speaker 1: friends for two weeks. I'm gonna be on the vineyard
Speaker 1: in two weeks. You're not gonna miss a thing. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to drive with mom and dad. You know.
Speaker 1: They listened to public radio and and he said, I'll
Speaker 1: never leave you with these people. I'll be back, and
Speaker 1: he never came back. So, as a nine year old,
Speaker 1: what Dan explained to me was that that felt like rejection.
Speaker 1: Even though I knew he died. I thought he wasn't
Speaker 1: careful enough and he didn't think enough before he went.
Speaker 1: He shouldn't have said the things he said to me
Speaker 1: if he knew he was going to die. And to
Speaker 1: me it was like he it was rejection. It was
Speaker 1: like losing my first boyfriend or being broken up with
Speaker 1: and you never see that person again. And then after that,
Speaker 1: what happened to my father, who was also a great,
Speaker 1: big kind of character, he was never whole again. I mean,
Speaker 1: my my father has a lot of issues or had
Speaker 1: a lot of issues. Um anyway, he's dead too. Now.
Speaker 1: Everybody died when I was writing this book, but um,
Speaker 1: it's okay. It was time for him to die. But
Speaker 1: he he fell apart and he was never my father.
Speaker 1: When you know you have you said shiba, you know
Speaker 1: in Judaism, And people would come to our house to
Speaker 1: say they were sorry. And I saw my father, who
Speaker 1: was this great, big strong man, be weak and cry
Speaker 1: and fall apart in front of our neighbors. And I
Speaker 1: was nine years old, and I was like, what are
Speaker 1: you doing? What are you doing? Why are you doing good?
Speaker 1: At together? You know what if you're gone, chet Scott
Speaker 1: and now you're falling apart. And everywhere I looked, everybody
Speaker 1: was a mess. And I remember just knowing that. I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm gonna have to do this myself. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna have to grow up by myself, and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have to grow myself up really quickly. So I have
Speaker 1: to get away from this family because we're broken, and
Speaker 1: we're broken and will never be six again. We're five,
Speaker 1: and everyone's gonna know we're a fake family. And I
Speaker 1: have been caring that Albert cross around me for so
Speaker 1: long that when he unlocked that pain and when I
Speaker 1: started to I'd go home and I was like, wait
Speaker 1: a second, let me write this stuff down because doors
Speaker 1: were opening, and I was like everything was connected to
Speaker 1: Chet dying. I mean I would sit there and be like,
Speaker 1: this can't be about Chet too. He's like everything's about Chet.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, this guy's taking over
Speaker 1: my life. I barely knew the guy, you know. I
Speaker 1: mean it was like relationships men, my independence, my you know,
Speaker 1: my like just steamrolling through everything and saying yes to
Speaker 1: fame and all this money was because I didn't want
Speaker 1: to sit around and ever sit still. I'd go on
Speaker 1: tour after tour. I wrote six books in five years.
Speaker 1: Anytime there was like you do this, I'd be like, yes,
Speaker 1: yes to everything, instead of sitting and thinking, have I
Speaker 1: dealt with everything that I need to deal with? Am
Speaker 1: I a full person? Can I? Actually? You know? What
Speaker 1: I wanted to do was go and campaign for people
Speaker 1: and speak to conservatives and go to the South. Like
Speaker 1: thinking was just like going to come in and change
Speaker 1: the world. But I realized, you can't do any of
Speaker 1: that ship until you're healthy. You can't be of use
Speaker 1: to anyone until you get your ship together. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: this sounds like a good time to take a break.
Speaker 1: And and uh, I mean it's first of all, let
Speaker 1: me just say it's it's just remarkable to hear somebody
Speaker 1: talks so openly about the pain that they went through,
Speaker 1: and it's it's uh yeah, yeah, because it's not easy
Speaker 1: to do. And it's a great example for everyone because
Speaker 1: we all have pain, you know, from our childhoods or
Speaker 1: from experiences. It's it's just it's fascinating. Do you to
Speaker 1: the kind of therapy that you did? Was we just
Speaker 1: did regular therapy. You know, we tried to get me
Speaker 1: to meditate. And and again, you know, I'm from California
Speaker 1: and I live in l A. And I'm from New Jersey.
Speaker 1: So I don't have a I don't have a big
Speaker 1: high you know meter for bullshit. I find most people
Speaker 1: to be ridiculous us. And when you hear words like
Speaker 1: manifest and gratitude and colonic and you know, and Kale,
Speaker 1: I mean, if you fall for that ship, you know,
Speaker 1: you could end up. You know, there's retreats and about anything.
Speaker 1: There's a treat where you can like go finger blest
Speaker 1: yourself in the woods and eat yogurt, you know, I
Speaker 1: mean there's something for everything. It's just ridiculous, and I
Speaker 1: always put I'm sorry, Jake, that was a nice to
Speaker 1: do to you. Never heard anybody say that to me
Speaker 1: in an interview situation before. No, I've never said that
Speaker 1: to you. That's good, that's a good thing, and I'm
Speaker 1: sorry you have to hear it right here in front
Speaker 1: of everybody. That's right, exactly manifest your masturbation. Anyway, I
Speaker 1: assume therapy was over in that pile of garbage, like, oh,
Speaker 1: how could you, especially for somebody you know who has success.
Speaker 1: I have a TV show, I have books, I have
Speaker 1: toured I do you know, I basically have everything I
Speaker 1: could need. How can I sit and go to therapy
Speaker 1: and bitch and complain about anything? How can I a
Speaker 1: b It's too narcissistic. I'm already a narcissist obviously, so
Speaker 1: let's not put a hat on a hat. Well, hold on,
Speaker 1: Dan Siegel says, you're not a narcissist. No, he says,
Speaker 1: I'm not. But I mean I have to be a
Speaker 1: little bit of a narcissist who want to be in
Speaker 1: the public eye. I think that I'm not a narcissis
Speaker 1: where I act in my best favor all the time,
Speaker 1: or I'm constantly thinking about myself. But I mean there's
Speaker 1: a degree of narcissism. I mean, Dan he told me
Speaker 1: a lot of other things that were wrong with me,
Speaker 1: so I think he was trying not to pile off.
Speaker 1: But I did look at therapy and I kind of
Speaker 1: fummed my, you know, I was just like uh, and
Speaker 1: I went. I would go and try, you know, give
Speaker 1: it like a college tryer or whatever, and be like
Speaker 1: any time it got deep, I just skedaddle. And once
Speaker 1: I went to this therapist and I just could tell
Speaker 1: I was going to be able to manipulate him and
Speaker 1: he was and I was like, this isn't gonna work.
Speaker 1: And I told my assistant. I came one day. She's like,
Speaker 1: I don't forget your therapy at you know four today.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I don't want to go today.
Speaker 1: Can you just go? And and she's like okay. And
Speaker 1: then the next week I was like, you know, you
Speaker 1: get out of a rhythm, you're not gonna go back.
Speaker 1: I was like, you want to go again? I'm not
Speaker 1: into that guy. And she's like, well, I don't have
Speaker 1: to go, and I'm like, no, you go. I might
Speaker 1: want to go back to him, just take my session,
Speaker 1: and then she went three times and finally I said, so,
Speaker 1: how's it going, Like I go, how are you doing?
Speaker 1: Like is he helping you? And She's like me, I
Speaker 1: thought I was talking about you the whole time. And
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, this is stupid. So she stopped
Speaker 1: going to that therapist, and so did I. So this
Speaker 1: was the first time. I guess it's psychoanalysis or whatever
Speaker 1: the phrase the term is. He's a psychiatrist. Um, this
Speaker 1: is the first time I was willing to get real
Speaker 1: or maybe because I have the right partner to get
Speaker 1: real with. And I think for most of us, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm yeah, it's it's a bummer that it took me
Speaker 1: this long to figure all this stuff out and kind
Speaker 1: of unlock my pain and my you know, because it's
Speaker 1: a lifelong habit, it sends you into I talked to
Speaker 1: him about relationships and I said, I don't need to
Speaker 1: I'm not interested in relationship. I'd just like to be alone.
Speaker 1: And he's like, any time I would say his statement
Speaker 1: like that, he would just look at me and go okay.
Speaker 1: And then when we did talk about relationships and my
Speaker 1: kind of scorched earth tendencies I have with people. When
Speaker 1: somebody would piss me off, I would just write them off.
Speaker 1: I'd be like, you're not my friend anymore, You're out.
Speaker 1: Never speak to them again. Guys, if they didn't sunk up,
Speaker 1: I made sure they sucked up so I could dump them,
Speaker 1: you know, reject, reject, reject before anyone could reject bit always.
Speaker 1: And I said to him, I go, I don't know why.
Speaker 1: I can't why I get so mad at people and
Speaker 1: I'm not able to forgive them. And he said, because
Speaker 1: that's how you think relationships are supposed to end. Your
Speaker 1: first relationship that ended was you know, black and white.
Speaker 1: He was there one day and it was gone the next.
Speaker 1: So that's your pattern of behavior from when you're nine.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, You're like, this is so stupid.
Speaker 1: How could I not pick up on that? You know,
Speaker 1: I'm sure a million people were looking at me or
Speaker 1: my friends saying, oh, we know what her problem is,
Speaker 1: but you don't. You can't tell someone what their problem is, obviously,
Speaker 1: but I will say that, you know, through all of
Speaker 1: the stuff that our family has been through, and with
Speaker 1: my brothers and sisters, it is just of such value
Speaker 1: to us and keeping us a tight knit group and
Speaker 1: being close together, and we just are together as a
Speaker 1: team that is broken, but we have remained on each
Speaker 1: other's team and that is so valuable to everybody here
Speaker 1: who has a weird relationship with the sibling. Fucking fix it.
Speaker 1: Life's too short and and it takes a big person
Speaker 1: to admit you're wrong, And but it feels awesome because
Speaker 1: then you can just apologize to everybody's like, oh was me?
Speaker 1: You can It's like going skiing and blaming everything on
Speaker 1: the altitude, you know, like, sorry, I acted like that
Speaker 1: last night. The altitude you have? You have one brother
Speaker 1: and the three sisters or what is it? We have
Speaker 1: two brothers and I have two sisters and uh yeah,
Speaker 1: and they have a bunch of kids, so I have
Speaker 1: a lot of nieces and nephews eight and uh yeah.
Speaker 1: That's our family and I'm finally proud of it. So
Speaker 1: and you you write some really nice things about your
Speaker 1: brothers and sisters. Um, speaking of family, I would be
Speaker 1: remiss if I didn't mention your dogs, because I'm sure
Speaker 1: there are a lot of fans of your dog. Give us,
Speaker 1: give us the update, Give us the dogo update. If
Speaker 1: you would. Well, I have a dog's named Bert and Bernice.
Speaker 1: They're on the cover of the book. Bert is obest
Speaker 1: fat one, he's on the right, and that's his little sister,
Speaker 1: Bernice at Bertrand is his full name. And I didn't
Speaker 1: give those names to them. I went to pick him
Speaker 1: up at this I went to a chow chow rescue.
Speaker 1: I like the black tongue situation, so I went to
Speaker 1: and I like fucked up bodies on dogs. So I
Speaker 1: went to this chow rescue in northern California, and I said,
Speaker 1: I want a chow mix. Show me what you got,
Speaker 1: and then she goes, I have a brother and sister
Speaker 1: combo platter that you know. And I was like, combo platter.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you're speaking my language. I was like, what
Speaker 1: do you What does it does that think when I'm thinking?
Speaker 1: And then these two little fat beasts came running around
Speaker 1: the corner because she said they're gonna be harder to
Speaker 1: place because their brother and sister. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: then I'll take them. I'm like, I don't even She
Speaker 1: goes their names are Burt and Bernice, and I literally
Speaker 1: was like, I mean, I almost climax. I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, what those their names already, like, that's
Speaker 1: exactly what I want to name. Then, so and then
Speaker 1: she goes, we have to do what we're gonna have.
Speaker 1: Didn't she didn't know who I was, and she like,
Speaker 1: we're gonna have to do a home check. And I
Speaker 1: was like, all right, whatever that means. I was like,
Speaker 1: I think you're good, and she's like, we have to
Speaker 1: make sure you have enough space. I'm like, can I
Speaker 1: just show you a picture in my house or something like?
Speaker 1: Is that necessary? But I did it, and I got
Speaker 1: these dogs. And I've had dogs before and they've passed.
Speaker 1: The two of them died while I was running this book.
Speaker 1: To this book is like a death rattle, but but
Speaker 1: it's but it's okay. Now, it's okay. People die and
Speaker 1: you have to just to be able to deal with
Speaker 1: it in a healthy way. And my healthy way was
Speaker 1: by replacing those two dogs as quickly as possible. And
Speaker 1: so Bert is an asshole, and I've never had to
Speaker 1: work for a dog's love before, and so I took
Speaker 1: these dogs home. First of all, I shaved his body
Speaker 1: down so I could see what was really going on
Speaker 1: and get under him, you know, because he's meeting. He's
Speaker 1: got flaps inside flaps and underneath. I mean, it's like
Speaker 1: I love that dog and he hates me because I
Speaker 1: assault him, you know. And he loves my cleaning lady
Speaker 1: ma bo all and he so he he like literally
Speaker 1: sees me every time I leave the house, and I'm
Speaker 1: gone a lot because I don't stay home. I like
Speaker 1: to move around, as we've discussed, and when I come
Speaker 1: home every single time, it's like a new introduction, like
Speaker 1: he just goes like this, like what and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: come on, so come on, you know me, And then
Speaker 1: they won't come up to my room. And I'd like
Speaker 1: to sleep with him in my bed because he's such
Speaker 1: a big cuddle ball, and so I have to take
Speaker 1: them with leashes every night up the little up the
Speaker 1: stairs and then up the dog he stairs, and then
Speaker 1: I get him because he's so lazy. If he gets
Speaker 1: comfortable enough, if he won't get up for hours. So
Speaker 1: I just have to get him comfortable and then slowly
Speaker 1: remove the leash. So I'm not only because of the
Speaker 1: optics of it, because I don't want to sleep with
Speaker 1: my dogs with a leash. I have no problem bringing
Speaker 1: them up, but I will not let people say that
Speaker 1: I sleep with my dogs on a leash, so they're
Speaker 1: not bad into me, but it's a good lesson for
Speaker 1: me to try. He loves my any lady, follows her
Speaker 1: all around the house. One weekend I came home. We
Speaker 1: found out he had gained twelve pounds since we got him.
Speaker 1: And I was like, hey, my belt, what the funk
Speaker 1: is up with that? And I knew because he was
Speaker 1: in love with her. I'm like, I know you're giving
Speaker 1: him treats. I I was following the rules for the
Speaker 1: first time when we got them. I'm like, no treats.
Speaker 1: He's on a diet and she's slipping him god knows what.
Speaker 1: And I said, they need to. He needs to lose
Speaker 1: weight because I have stairs in my house, and you know,
Speaker 1: he's a big, fatass, so he's gonna lose his legs
Speaker 1: when he gets older. He's a big dog. I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing this again. I lost my dog. Chunk
Speaker 1: wouldn't be able to he wasn't able to come up
Speaker 1: the stairs anymore when he got older and he was thin,
Speaker 1: and um, people here love Chunky. Chuck is the best.
Speaker 1: Chunk is the best dog in the world. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Chunk was such a such a stud and he was
Speaker 1: so cool, calm and collected, you know. And Bird is
Speaker 1: the opposite of Chunk. And I know Chunk if there
Speaker 1: is such a thing as heaven, which I don't think
Speaker 1: there is, but Chunk somewhere around here, and he knows
Speaker 1: and he's he's thing. At my struggle with Bert and um,
Speaker 1: and so we had to go on a diet. So
Speaker 1: I came back one weekend and my my bell was
Speaker 1: walking around the house with ankle weights and Bert had
Speaker 1: ankle weights to match hers. And when they walk, my
Speaker 1: cleaning lady has like a big butt and she swings
Speaker 1: her hips and then Chunk I mean, and then Bert
Speaker 1: would walk next to her and swing his ass. The
Speaker 1: two of them walking away together. It was like j
Speaker 1: Lo and Kim Kardashian. So yeah, that's my story about
Speaker 1: my dogs. But dogs are the best they make. But
Speaker 1: like you know, I won't go home to a house
Speaker 1: without a dog in it too scary. No, No, we
Speaker 1: have we have dogs too. Um. I know you wanted
Speaker 1: to read another chapter before the time is coming to
Speaker 1: a close. We have a clock that's telling us we
Speaker 1: have a minute. So I just wanted to read something
Speaker 1: before um I leave you guys. Um. This is when
Speaker 1: I had my kind of wake up at the end
Speaker 1: about my brother. I didn't know then that my brother's
Speaker 1: death was defining me. I didn't know that I had
Speaker 1: the ability to say no to being defined by death.
Speaker 1: Now I was a person who could help. Now I
Speaker 1: was with a person who could help me process what
Speaker 1: happened and turn the parts of me that acted like
Speaker 1: a nine year old into a self actualized adult who
Speaker 1: had come to a better understanding of what it means
Speaker 1: to dig deep and admit your pain, thereby beginning the
Speaker 1: process of relinquishing it. I was in a place where
Speaker 1: my brother dying no longer had to define my existence.
Speaker 1: It's part of who I am, perhaps the biggest part,
Speaker 1: but and it may have helped me steer me in
Speaker 1: a certain direction, but it is not all of me.
Speaker 1: I define me. No event or person does this. I
Speaker 1: define who I am. I decide who I am and
Speaker 1: how I'm going to behave and I choose to be
Speaker 1: better to look more carefully, to trudge deeper, to think
Speaker 1: about other people's past, and not judge on one for
Speaker 1: doing or handling something differently than I would to understand
Speaker 1: my limitations, my shortcomings. That is my growth edge. There
Speaker 1: are bracelets that say I decide and T shirts that
Speaker 1: say I decide out there because we decide who we are.
Speaker 1: And I want to thank you for deciding to come
Speaker 1: here tonight, and thank you my very special guest, Jake Tapper.
Speaker 1: Thank you guys, Thank you, Washington, d C, stay Optimistic,
Speaker 1: thank you. So how did it feel having JK and
Speaker 1: DC getting to circle back to politics after taking some
Speaker 1: time off. Well it was nice because well, I guess
Speaker 1: we did talk about politics, but we didn't really go
Speaker 1: It was nice to be in d C into talking
Speaker 1: about something other than politics is what it felt like. Um,
Speaker 1: even though we brushed upon it. So it was nice.
Speaker 1: And I mean I like d C. And you know,
Speaker 1: until Donald Trump ruined that city, it was it. I
Speaker 1: like it. It's old, it's old school. We'll get it
Speaker 1: back soon, I think, just like we're gonna get the
Speaker 1: orange back, Brandon, We're gonna take that color back. And Journey,
Speaker 1: I mean, Journey is popping up. We're on your social media,
Speaker 1: so you've really just got to I've got embraced the
Speaker 1: Journey and the band Journey, and I want to thank
Speaker 1: CNN for letting Jake Tapper out of his cage. I
Speaker 1: can't believe that they did that, and I know they'll
Speaker 1: regret it. Thank you, Life will be the Death of
Speaker 1: Me as a production of I Heeart Radio. For more
Speaker 1: podcasts from my Heart Radio, visit the i Heart Radio app,
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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