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Speaker 2: third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival. That's right, We're coming
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Speaker 3: If you would like to have us answer your questions.
Speaker 3: If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or
Speaker 3: a terrible throuffle, guess what you've got, Decisions.
Speaker 1: It's humpday.
Speaker 4: Baby, It's Wensday and welcome to another episode of You've
Speaker 4: Got Decisions.
Speaker 1: Oop, you're humping hope you're unhappy. We're back with another
Speaker 1: question of some shit we probably have not the right
Speaker 1: answer to, but here we go.
Speaker 4: Well, shout out to one of our Patreon members and
Speaker 4: Baby were bringing it right here. And this is a
Speaker 4: very interesting question as we've been talking so much about
Speaker 4: relationships and all those. Her main question, and I'll get
Speaker 4: into her short description. Hear about it, but she said,
Speaker 4: how do I show my man that I actually haven't
Speaker 4: outgrown him? I love this show, longtime patron and listener.
Speaker 4: My husband has started getting in his head about me
Speaker 4: leaving him. We've been together ten years since college, and
Speaker 4: of course things have changed. I've lost close to two
Speaker 4: hundred pounds and I make about one hundred and fifty
Speaker 4: thousand more than he does. Wow, girl, he's my best friend,
Speaker 4: but these two things.
Speaker 1: That was for the way he lost That was no
Speaker 1: shade by the way.
Speaker 4: He's my best friend, but there's these two things have
Speaker 4: him irrationally paranoid and it's getting frustrating. We have two
Speaker 4: kids together and I think he's amazing, but this paranoia
Speaker 4: that I'm gonna leave him for someone better is driving
Speaker 4: me crazy. How do I show my man I haven't
Speaker 4: outgrown him? This is great because we talk about change
Speaker 4: in so many different ways, and so for this to
Speaker 4: be not only a physical change, clearly which we all
Speaker 4: experience with age, but a financial change in the best
Speaker 4: possible way, this is interesting. So I'm gonna throw it
Speaker 4: to you all first. But how do you think she
Speaker 4: should show up or reassure her man that she's here
Speaker 4: and not looking for someone.
Speaker 1: I don't want the boys to answer this person. Then
Speaker 1: maybe we I don't really know what to say on
Speaker 1: how a man the fragility of this, How would.
Speaker 4: You feel if you're a woman changed her looks drastically
Speaker 4: and then also maybe got into a position career wise
Speaker 4: where she made one hundred and fifty thousand dollars more and.
Speaker 1: We got to guess that's cool. But how does she
Speaker 1: know he feels this way?
Speaker 4: By the way, he said, he's become paranoid and he's expressing.
Speaker 1: Uh, she said, getting fine and rich?
Speaker 4: She said, he's his paranoid is showing and he thinks,
Speaker 4: which I assume he said, I'm going to quote unquote
Speaker 4: leave him for someone better.
Speaker 5: Now we're gonna say drastic, like capital all draft, like,
Speaker 5: this is all drastic.
Speaker 4: She lost two hundred pounds, kudos to you. But then also,
Speaker 4: I know what he is, I know who it is.
Speaker 1: Oh wow.
Speaker 4: And yeah, so those are two drastic changes that maybe
Speaker 4: you wouldn't expect to have within a relationship.
Speaker 1: And they've known each other for ten years. I think
Speaker 1: for one eden, before you speak real quick, I want
Speaker 1: to know, is someone improving her physical appearance something that
Speaker 1: would make you feel threatened or make you think they'd
Speaker 1: want someone else?
Speaker 5: No, okay, that's the thing. It's like, one, let's go
Speaker 5: even with just the weight loss and stuff like that,
Speaker 5: that's just bettering yourself in general, not saying that you
Speaker 5: can't be in a high saying that, yeah, exactly right.
Speaker 5: But I'm saying I understand that some people go through
Speaker 5: a weight loss journey for a certain reason. So that's
Speaker 5: one thing, right now what Okay, so she got her
Speaker 5: money up, which means you know, she got her everything
Speaker 5: else up. I truly do believe that there are some
Speaker 5: men who get into certain relationships with certain women who
Speaker 5: are not in the most wealthy position, right or maybe
Speaker 5: even the best best considered a physical condition for them
Speaker 5: because they want to feel better than right. Because of that,
Speaker 5: I feel like there might be and this is just
Speaker 5: a speculation, Nikki, he might feel some type of way
Speaker 5: that you are not who you once were before, and
Speaker 5: now he might not have the same grasp as he
Speaker 5: could have before.
Speaker 1: I saw Aldoman. Her name's the six Footed. I don't
Speaker 1: know if you've remember heard from Orlando, but I just
Speaker 1: had a dinner with was at a dinner she was
Speaker 1: at and I really want to have her on. She's
Speaker 1: a lot of opinions that I don't agree with. Some
Speaker 1: I do, but I would say she kind of has
Speaker 1: a bandy effect of sometimes a lot of her opinions
Speaker 1: are just like WHOA. She says something on a podcast
Speaker 1: where she said men are dating fat women because they
Speaker 1: I guess I'm not quoting her right, but like maybe
Speaker 1: she's saying they're more submissive, they'll do whatever they want,
Speaker 1: they have less options type of things. So that's why
Speaker 1: men are dating iterated service and I hated the options.
Speaker 1: But the rot with you, Ed is literally validating them
Speaker 1: what you said. That's the thing.
Speaker 5: I don't think it's because I think change in general,
Speaker 5: it doesn't mean that she has to be bigger too, smaller.
Speaker 5: It could be smaller, bigger, doesn't matter. It could be
Speaker 5: going from a hundred, it could be from let's say
Speaker 5: eight thousand to one hundred and fifty thousand.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 5: It's the point is that now you don't feel like
Speaker 5: you might have the same grasp at that person because
Speaker 5: their quality has improved to them. Yeah, because someone could
Speaker 5: start losing mad weight and not be happy, So I was.
Speaker 1: Gonna make that happy.
Speaker 4: It's funny because we put this onus on like the
Speaker 4: fat woman quote unquote being more subservient or doing whatever.
Speaker 4: When kind of what I picked up from what you said,
Speaker 4: Eden is this man is insecure and may have felt
Speaker 4: more secure in their relationship because of what he thought
Speaker 4: society's views on you were as a woman. And now
Speaker 4: you've lost this weight, and what is really happening is
Speaker 4: not the paranoia that you'll leave, or it is the
Speaker 4: paranoia that you'll leave is coming from his own insecurity
Speaker 4: because he feels like, damn, now that you look this
Speaker 4: way or make a certain amount of money, you have
Speaker 4: more options. So what I don't hear people say is that, oh, well,
Speaker 4: men may date less attractive or bigger women.
Speaker 1: Because of their own goddamn insecurities.
Speaker 4: Not what these quote unquote fat or ugly women will
Speaker 4: do because they're insecure or down and need to settle. Well,
Speaker 4: it's the fact that men show up and get something
Speaker 4: that makes them feel comfortable as well.
Speaker 5: And I'm gonna be the way, by the way, so
Speaker 5: let me just say one thing real quick to clarify,
Speaker 5: because I totally understand where you're comeing from from me,
Speaker 5: even mentioning that on the show. It could be that
Speaker 5: same equation that I'm mentioning now, but different numbers and
Speaker 5: variables that we plug it and doesn't have to be.
Speaker 5: The fact is that I feel like sometimes certain men
Speaker 5: are with certain women or stay with certain women because
Speaker 5: of the comfortability, and they're like, you know what, things
Speaker 5: are not going to change. I like my girl who
Speaker 5: she is now, and you're gonna change on me. You
Speaker 5: know what, You're gonna make more money, you gotta feel
Speaker 5: happier about yourself now, and you like this.
Speaker 1: Is kind of hypothetical.
Speaker 4: And everyone or even Wheezy y'all like thick brawl it
Speaker 4: for you. You like thick, voluptuous women. You like a
Speaker 4: big stocku man during your relationship. They choose because they
Speaker 4: want to feel better for their own reasons.
Speaker 1: They lose weight.
Speaker 4: She now becomes a thin, very in shape track runner,
Speaker 4: and your man becomes a little scrawny ass.
Speaker 1: You know, just just thin, lean man, because that's what
Speaker 1: they want. Is that not?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 1: Could you as a partner then say you changed what
Speaker 1: I like?
Speaker 4: I don't know if I want to stay here anymore.
Speaker 4: I know she's leaning into the paranoia, but I'm wondering, too,
Speaker 4: is you're smaller?
Speaker 1: That's not what I like? Because I do think you
Speaker 1: need to kind of I want to I wear a
Speaker 1: hairstyle that my man hates. Let's say he hates the
Speaker 1: chunky braids. He likes s get me like standard, just regular,
Speaker 1: knot list box breid. He doesn't like big, big, chunky braids.
Speaker 1: And I remember I was talking about I might do
Speaker 1: it for some episode of sex Cell. He was like,
Speaker 1: I hope it's just for that episode. You know, I
Speaker 1: don't like that. And I was like, okay, now you're
Speaker 1: gonna tell me what they do a nigga. He's like,
Speaker 1: I mean, but what do you want to wear? Styles?
Speaker 1: I like? Wouldn't I wouldn't wear I wouldn't cut my hair,
Speaker 1: didn't die my hair. I know you fucking think that
Speaker 1: shit is crazy? Like, shouldn't we be complimenting each other? Yes,
Speaker 1: And I gotta be hones yes, and I think there
Speaker 1: is a yes and because when it comes to health
Speaker 1: it's a little different. But when it comes to appearance.
Speaker 1: For example, if your man hated you wearing cargoes, that's
Speaker 1: a style you love. It looks cute on you. But
Speaker 1: if he's like, I hate when women wear.
Speaker 5: Pants, Oh, you gotta get over it, or that's such
Speaker 5: a common thing the way.
Speaker 4: And if he goes and yes, and we talked about it,
Speaker 4: it's so funny. I went out to have drinks with
Speaker 4: my friend the other day and I had a sun
Speaker 4: dress long with flowers.
Speaker 1: He said, I didn't even know you own that.
Speaker 4: I said, sorry that I just like a suid with you, babe,
Speaker 4: Like I'll bring the fuck maybe I'll bring the sun dress.
Speaker 1: But I wear what I want to wear when I
Speaker 1: want to wear it. Yeah, I guess if you meet
Speaker 1: me with a certain style, that's a tough one. But
Speaker 1: I think style.
Speaker 4: I do physical appearance in money, I do think physical experience.
Speaker 1: If it's not for health, like if I got a BBL,
Speaker 1: my nigga would probably leave me.
Speaker 5: I'm not a lot. It's okay now now, I like
Speaker 5: how you said that, right, I will subscribe to the
Speaker 5: fact that if I'm with my shorty, I'm happy with
Speaker 5: however she is. I will be toxic in the sense
Speaker 5: maybe that if my girl wants to go get a
Speaker 5: bb or something, I'm like, I don't know why we
Speaker 5: got to put you on the knife.
Speaker 1: To make you more beautiful.
Speaker 5: I wouldn't.
Speaker 1: I can't subspect. I love that.
Speaker 4: I want to go back though to the question, especially
Speaker 4: as a guy, I will give my advice. How do
Speaker 4: I assure my man that I have not outgrown him?
Speaker 4: I will tell you now, and I've said it based
Speaker 4: off my own experience with an insecure as nigga. You
Speaker 4: cannot help an insecure man or an insecure woman feel
Speaker 4: more secure about themselves without them doing the work.
Speaker 1: I would say, he needs to go.
Speaker 4: To therapy and work on the things that's triggering him
Speaker 4: to make you feel like you'll leave.
Speaker 1: You can literally take him on dates.
Speaker 4: Gift him every week, tell him every man morning that
Speaker 4: you love him, Tell him you don't want to be
Speaker 4: with anyone else, and the devil on this shoulder will
Speaker 4: constantly tell him she's gonna find someone better. There's someone
Speaker 4: better than me right now. I feel like the projection
Speaker 4: and the paranoi is coming from his own insecurities.
Speaker 1: That he has to work through.
Speaker 5: Agree on that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I also don't think anything you could do.
Speaker 1: I don't think your man is with you because you
Speaker 1: looked a certain way like she's married, right, Yeah, I
Speaker 1: remember her writing before. But I honestly think sometimes we
Speaker 1: just get insecure with self improvement for someone we aren't
Speaker 1: doing it for ourselves. And so if you're making more
Speaker 1: money and changing your fitness, it could be just like damn,
Speaker 1: like I haven't been doing this. This isn't something we
Speaker 1: were doing together. A lot of the mirror for people,
Speaker 1: a lot of couples, you know, they share fitness goals together,
Speaker 1: they're encouraging each other, they're doing things together. So you
Speaker 1: may just be making him feel left out. Not to
Speaker 1: say you're doing it on purpose, but what's happening to
Speaker 1: you is probably making him feel left out. So I
Speaker 1: would just do the opposite instead of figuring out how
Speaker 1: do I fix it? Is to encourage him to do
Speaker 1: the same, Like no matter how you lost weight. We
Speaker 1: all know that gym can be helpful. Wanting to go together,
Speaker 1: start saying we I want us to be fly, I
Speaker 1: want us to have a gold work towards. Let's go
Speaker 1: on this cruise, Let's go on this vacation together and
Speaker 1: make sure we get here setting goals together. I think
Speaker 1: he would feel less left out of it. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: money or already fit. Oh, that's a good act.
Speaker 5: That's kind of my thing.
Speaker 1: Right, It's like, that's why I even want it. Just
Speaker 1: the attraction that he had to That's why rety about
Speaker 1: the no, no, no, I don't think this is attraction.
Speaker 5: It could be different equations and different variables, right, it's
Speaker 5: of the fact that it's like he does feel like
Speaker 5: he's being left out. But to your point, it's some
Speaker 5: stuff that he might want.
Speaker 1: To work smaller. Like I would almost bet my life
Speaker 1: he isn't fit. If you were with someone who was
Speaker 1: super super fit and you made a health change like that,
Speaker 1: I really think they would beating man. He give me
Speaker 1: a second. Let me, let me, let me, let me
Speaker 1: finish my thought. If you were dating someone who's super fit,
Speaker 1: I don't see a world where they would feel uncomfortable
Speaker 1: with your weight loss more than they would champion it
Speaker 1: and feel like you did something that's more in alignment
Speaker 1: with them. This is not meaning that someone super fit
Speaker 1: can't be with someone that's overweight. I'm just saying if
Speaker 1: someone's living that life, they are going to love that people.
Speaker 1: And mind you, I own a gym, now, I know
Speaker 1: how these people are fucking talking every day they are
Speaker 1: seeing this shit so different. Literally to the point where
Speaker 1: one of the new girls that works with us, she's
Speaker 1: such a cutie talking about what type of man she wants,
Speaker 1: first thing on her mound, healthy lifestyle, like I want
Speaker 1: to make sure that we're doing this kind of routine
Speaker 1: to get like that's how they talk. So if she
Speaker 1: was with someone super fit, there wouldn't be a world
Speaker 1: where he's like you want someone else now, No, because you,
Speaker 1: but it could be.
Speaker 4: It's interesting because it reminds me of like the very
Speaker 4: small thing right in terms of the insecurity of a man.
Speaker 4: You could put a dress on to go hang out
Speaker 4: with your friends, and he looks at that dress and
Speaker 4: knows that other men are gonna look at it. He's
Speaker 4: gonna want you to take that dress. That's his own insecurity,
Speaker 4: projecting at the fact that now other men are going
Speaker 4: to be looking at you. That's what I'm saying in
Speaker 4: terms of this man's your husband's projection of damn, you
Speaker 4: don't lost this weight, Maybe you're gonna get the attention
Speaker 4: of more men. And maybe because I'm insecure of how
Speaker 4: I'm showing up.
Speaker 1: Yes, I think that's true. I think it's just that
Speaker 1: I'm really speaking to that fit thing. I think there's
Speaker 1: no way. I really don't people that are living a
Speaker 1: certain way. When you get to have your partner being
Speaker 1: in alignment. Just imagine Wolf. Wolf's been vegan for a while, right,
Speaker 1: Imagine he got a girl who's a meati either and
Speaker 1: suddenly she wants to become vegan. He's not gonna be like, oh,
Speaker 1: what nigga made you change your mind? Hell no, He's
Speaker 1: gonna be like, no, now we on the fucking path. See.
Speaker 5: But that's an interesting aspect too, right, can maybe we
Speaker 5: can move those variables around. What if it's about eating
Speaker 5: lifestyles and stuff like that, But.
Speaker 4: Eating lifestyle doesn't bring about the paranoia or insecurities that
Speaker 4: you're going to find someone better.
Speaker 5: I think it's healthier.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 5: Let's say if me and my girl both me eaters.
Speaker 5: Now she's doing veganism and she's leading a healthier life.
Speaker 4: A woman living a healthier life and being vegan isn't
Speaker 4: gonna bring about your insecurities of another man being better
Speaker 4: than me, or you being able to pull different men,
Speaker 4: or me feeling inadequate in where I stand in this relationship.
Speaker 4: It's physical change. Yeah, there's physical change. And the fact that,
Speaker 4: let's be very clear when we talk about men. We
Speaker 4: had an episode about the patriarchy, when we talk about
Speaker 4: how men show up as the provider, how can I
Speaker 4: really be the provider now when you make one hundred
Speaker 4: and fifty thousand dollars more.
Speaker 1: To be honest with you, though, I think being that
Speaker 1: they've been married for a while, because if I remember
Speaker 1: who this is, she's been our patron for a minute.
Speaker 1: If it really is money as long as they've been married,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I feel like if you're a generous
Speaker 1: person in the household, like for example, let's just say
Speaker 1: I'm ake okay, she makes one to fifty more. Let's
Speaker 1: say he makes one hundred and she makes two fifty.
Speaker 1: We're married, I don't know, ten years, maybe we're getting
Speaker 1: a different like, yeah, it's like you gonna have to
Speaker 1: fucking keep this extra one hundred and fifty thousand in
Speaker 1: the talk for myself. We've been married a minute. Fuck no, nigga,
Speaker 1: we getting a new.
Speaker 4: And if he was raised like Wolf, I can understand
Speaker 4: how now there's insecurities that everything I thought I should.
Speaker 1: Be as a man now doesn't align with this emotion.
Speaker 1: Whe you think Wolf don't feel about white.
Speaker 4: But I'm saying, as a provider and protector Wolf, your
Speaker 4: woman comes and makes one hundred and fifty k, and
Speaker 4: mind you. We just had this conversation as well with
Speaker 4: a matchmaker who said, I believe you should date someone
Speaker 4: who doesn't have more than a thirty thousand dollars difference
Speaker 4: because there's gonna be that insecurity of who gets to
Speaker 4: tell who what and all those things. Because it's unfortunately
Speaker 4: relationships and how you show up in a dynamic is
Speaker 4: often rooted in who the breadwinner is.
Speaker 1: Who the head of household is.
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, I take it a step further. I don't
Speaker 6: mind if my woman makes a whole lot more money
Speaker 6: than me. Like the type of guy I am a
Speaker 6: very dominant So it's more about like mentality and the
Speaker 6: frequency between us like, you can make way more money
Speaker 6: as long as I don't feel different from the position
Speaker 6: I feel most comfortable being in. You know, I don't
Speaker 6: feel emasculated because you're making a lot of money. And furthermore,
Speaker 6: I want to provide a point that I think it's
Speaker 6: very possible that somebody could go through their life being overweight, right,
Speaker 6: and then they slim down, and then now they get
Speaker 6: attention that they never got before ever in their life.
Speaker 6: They got people giving him certain looks, they got people
Speaker 6: charming them in a certain way, and I think it's
Speaker 6: possible they could fall victims to the abuse of the power.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's crazy. I think that's very possible. I absolutely
Speaker 1: agree with you know, I like something you just brought up.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't feel emasculated through money. I think we as
Speaker 1: women constantly use money as the way that men will
Speaker 1: feel emasculated by us, when in reality, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I have someone in my life that makes a lot
Speaker 1: more than her partner, but he still makes family decisions
Speaker 1: for them, and I think that's super fair and just.
Speaker 1: I've seen him make this. He's very masculine, like I've
Speaker 1: seen him kind of whether it's her car or not.
Speaker 1: We've been out in La, Like he's opening the door,
Speaker 1: he's out pumping the gas, he's picking up our check,
Speaker 1: he's doing manly things. It might be her fucking crazy
Speaker 1: extensive car or whatever the case, but like, it's not
Speaker 1: just finances that can make man feel down. And I
Speaker 1: guess we forget that a lot. There's so much gender
Speaker 1: work conversation, and I honestly hope we don't have it
Speaker 1: for a while because I'm a little bit on overloaded it.
Speaker 1: But like, yeah, I agree, we don't know what you
Speaker 1: can do.
Speaker 4: I would say, hopefully get your husband in therapy as
Speaker 4: a way for him to deal with whatever his mind
Speaker 4: is causing in terms of the paranoia. We are really
Speaker 4: really proud of you for getting a position professionally that
Speaker 4: allows you to make that much money as well as
Speaker 4: taking your health into consideration and losing two hundred pounds,
Speaker 4: because bitch.
Speaker 1: That is incredible and amazing.
Speaker 4: So we hope that your marriage can get over this hump, honestly,
Speaker 4: And if you guys have any suggestions, make sure you
Speaker 4: write them in the comment, make sure you follow us,
Speaker 4: subscribe us, and also make sure you order No Holds Bart,
Speaker 4: a dual Manifesto of Sexual Exploration and Power available now
Speaker 4: for you to pre order, and it'll be sent out
Speaker 4: to you when it drops June and twenty fourth. Anyways,
Speaker 4: thank you guys for tuning in too. Another episode of
Speaker 4: You've Got Decision, Uh, you Got Decisions girl Bye,