WEBVTT - You've Got Decisions: How Do I Prove I Didn't Outgrow Him? 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:00.960 Speaks to the planet. 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:02.520 I'll go by the name of Charlamagne of God and 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:04.920 guess what, I can't wait to see y'all at the 0:00:04.960 --> 0:00:08.319 third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival. That's right, We're coming 0:00:08.400 --> 0:00:11.360 back to Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday, April twenty six at Poeman 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:14.840 Yards and it's hosted by none other than Decisions, Decisions, 0:00:14.880 --> 0:00:17.560 Mandy B and Weezy. Okay, we got the R and 0:00:17.640 --> 0:00:20.319 B Money Podcast with taking Jay Valentine. We got the 0:00:20.360 --> 0:00:22.919 Woman of All Podcasts with Sarah Jake Roberts, we got 0:00:22.960 --> 0:00:25.479 Good Mom's Bad Choices. Carrie Champion will be there with 0:00:25.520 --> 0:00:28.440 her next sports podcast and the Trap Nerds podcast, with 0:00:28.600 --> 0:00:31.200 more to be announced. And of course it's bigger than podcasts. 0:00:31.200 --> 0:00:34.160 We're bringing the Black Effect Marketplace with black owned businesses, 0:00:34.280 --> 0:00:37.400 plus the food truck court to keep you fed while 0:00:37.400 --> 0:00:39.839 you visit us. All right, listen, you don't want to 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:42.599 miss this. Tap in and grab your tickets now at 0:00:42.680 --> 0:00:45.479 Black Effect dot Com Flash Podcast Festival. 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:49.000 If you would like to have us answer your questions. 0:00:49.240 --> 0:00:52.559 If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:59.120 a terrible throuffle, guess what you've got, Decisions. 0:00:58.320 --> 0:00:59.280 It's humpday. 0:00:59.680 --> 0:01:03.640 Baby, It's Wensday and welcome to another episode of You've 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:04.520 Got Decisions. 0:01:04.600 --> 0:01:07.760 Oop, you're humping hope you're unhappy. We're back with another 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:11.200 question of some shit we probably have not the right 0:01:11.240 --> 0:01:12.200 answer to, but here we go. 0:01:12.520 --> 0:01:15.840 Well, shout out to one of our Patreon members and 0:01:15.920 --> 0:01:18.920 Baby were bringing it right here. And this is a 0:01:19.040 --> 0:01:22.280 very interesting question as we've been talking so much about 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:25.880 relationships and all those. Her main question, and I'll get 0:01:25.920 --> 0:01:29.480 into her short description. Hear about it, but she said, 0:01:30.080 --> 0:01:33.480 how do I show my man that I actually haven't 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:38.920 outgrown him? I love this show, longtime patron and listener. 0:01:39.440 --> 0:01:41.560 My husband has started getting in his head about me 0:01:41.680 --> 0:01:45.240 leaving him. We've been together ten years since college, and 0:01:45.280 --> 0:01:48.440 of course things have changed. I've lost close to two 0:01:48.480 --> 0:01:51.400 hundred pounds and I make about one hundred and fifty 0:01:51.440 --> 0:01:55.120 thousand more than he does. Wow, girl, he's my best friend, 0:01:55.560 --> 0:01:56.800 but these two things. 0:01:56.600 --> 0:01:57.960 That was for the way he lost That was no 0:01:58.000 --> 0:01:58.800 shade by the way. 0:01:59.120 --> 0:02:03.880 He's my best friend, but there's these two things have 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:08.440 him irrationally paranoid and it's getting frustrating. We have two 0:02:08.520 --> 0:02:11.720 kids together and I think he's amazing, but this paranoia 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:15.400 that I'm gonna leave him for someone better is driving 0:02:15.440 --> 0:02:18.960 me crazy. How do I show my man I haven't 0:02:19.080 --> 0:02:23.040 outgrown him? This is great because we talk about change 0:02:23.480 --> 0:02:26.320 in so many different ways, and so for this to 0:02:26.400 --> 0:02:31.280 be not only a physical change, clearly which we all 0:02:31.320 --> 0:02:36.720 experience with age, but a financial change in the best 0:02:36.760 --> 0:02:40.840 possible way, this is interesting. So I'm gonna throw it 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:42.640 to you all first. But how do you think she 0:02:42.680 --> 0:02:47.080 should show up or reassure her man that she's here 0:02:47.160 --> 0:02:48.080 and not looking for someone. 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:50.560 I don't want the boys to answer this person. Then 0:02:50.600 --> 0:02:52.760 maybe we I don't really know what to say on 0:02:52.880 --> 0:02:55.760 how a man the fragility of this, How would. 0:02:55.520 --> 0:02:58.320 You feel if you're a woman changed her looks drastically 0:02:58.840 --> 0:03:03.040 and then also maybe got into a position career wise 0:03:03.360 --> 0:03:06.720 where she made one hundred and fifty thousand dollars more and. 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:11.360 We got to guess that's cool. But how does she 0:03:11.440 --> 0:03:12.400 know he feels this way? 0:03:12.440 --> 0:03:15.359 By the way, he said, he's become paranoid and he's expressing. 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:17.399 Uh, she said, getting fine and rich? 0:03:18.000 --> 0:03:21.880 She said, he's his paranoid is showing and he thinks, 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:24.880 which I assume he said, I'm going to quote unquote 0:03:25.000 --> 0:03:26.440 leave him for someone better. 0:03:26.720 --> 0:03:29.400 Now we're gonna say drastic, like capital all draft, like, 0:03:29.680 --> 0:03:30.520 this is all drastic. 0:03:30.560 --> 0:03:33.760 She lost two hundred pounds, kudos to you. But then also, 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:36.080 I know what he is, I know who it is. 0:03:36.200 --> 0:03:36.880 Oh wow. 0:03:37.480 --> 0:03:41.040 And yeah, so those are two drastic changes that maybe 0:03:41.040 --> 0:03:43.800 you wouldn't expect to have within a relationship. 0:03:43.800 --> 0:03:46.280 And they've known each other for ten years. I think 0:03:46.840 --> 0:03:49.440 for one eden, before you speak real quick, I want 0:03:49.440 --> 0:03:57.000 to know, is someone improving her physical appearance something that 0:03:57.040 --> 0:03:59.080 would make you feel threatened or make you think they'd 0:03:59.080 --> 0:03:59.800 want someone else? 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:03.560 No, okay, that's the thing. It's like, one, let's go 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:05.040 even with just the weight loss and stuff like that, 0:04:05.040 --> 0:04:07.200 that's just bettering yourself in general, not saying that you 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:11.000 can't be in a high saying that, yeah, exactly right. 0:04:11.200 --> 0:04:13.120 But I'm saying I understand that some people go through 0:04:13.120 --> 0:04:16.600 a weight loss journey for a certain reason. So that's 0:04:16.680 --> 0:04:19.040 one thing, right now what Okay, so she got her 0:04:19.040 --> 0:04:21.440 money up, which means you know, she got her everything 0:04:21.440 --> 0:04:25.159 else up. I truly do believe that there are some 0:04:25.360 --> 0:04:28.760 men who get into certain relationships with certain women who 0:04:28.760 --> 0:04:32.960 are not in the most wealthy position, right or maybe 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:36.880 even the best best considered a physical condition for them 0:04:37.320 --> 0:04:42.240 because they want to feel better than right. Because of that, 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:44.159 I feel like there might be and this is just 0:04:44.160 --> 0:04:49.360 a speculation, Nikki, he might feel some type of way 0:04:49.400 --> 0:04:52.320 that you are not who you once were before, and 0:04:52.360 --> 0:04:54.640 now he might not have the same grasp as he 0:04:54.680 --> 0:04:55.360 could have before. 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:58.280 I saw Aldoman. Her name's the six Footed. I don't 0:04:58.279 --> 0:05:00.359 know if you've remember heard from Orlando, but I just 0:05:00.360 --> 0:05:01.920 had a dinner with was at a dinner she was 0:05:01.920 --> 0:05:03.880 at and I really want to have her on. She's 0:05:03.920 --> 0:05:06.400 a lot of opinions that I don't agree with. Some 0:05:06.480 --> 0:05:08.240 I do, but I would say she kind of has 0:05:08.240 --> 0:05:10.919 a bandy effect of sometimes a lot of her opinions 0:05:10.920 --> 0:05:15.440 are just like WHOA. She says something on a podcast 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:21.000 where she said men are dating fat women because they 0:05:21.200 --> 0:05:23.520 I guess I'm not quoting her right, but like maybe 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:26.200 she's saying they're more submissive, they'll do whatever they want, 0:05:26.720 --> 0:05:28.920 they have less options type of things. So that's why 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:33.600 men are dating iterated service and I hated the options. 0:05:33.920 --> 0:05:38.080 But the rot with you, Ed is literally validating them 0:05:38.080 --> 0:05:39.240 what you said. That's the thing. 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:41.880 I don't think it's because I think change in general, 0:05:41.920 --> 0:05:45.800 it doesn't mean that she has to be bigger too, smaller. 0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:48.039 It could be smaller, bigger, doesn't matter. It could be 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:49.520 going from a hundred, it could be from let's say 0:05:49.560 --> 0:05:51.000 eight thousand to one hundred and fifty thousand. 0:05:51.040 --> 0:05:51.240 Right. 0:05:51.560 --> 0:05:53.680 It's the point is that now you don't feel like 0:05:53.680 --> 0:05:56.359 you might have the same grasp at that person because 0:05:56.400 --> 0:06:00.279 their quality has improved to them. Yeah, because someone could 0:06:00.279 --> 0:06:02.680 start losing mad weight and not be happy, So I was. 0:06:02.640 --> 0:06:03.400 Gonna make that happy. 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:09.000 It's funny because we put this onus on like the 0:06:09.400 --> 0:06:13.440 fat woman quote unquote being more subservient or doing whatever. 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:16.000 When kind of what I picked up from what you said, 0:06:16.120 --> 0:06:20.320 Eden is this man is insecure and may have felt 0:06:20.480 --> 0:06:23.400 more secure in their relationship because of what he thought 0:06:23.520 --> 0:06:26.800 society's views on you were as a woman. And now 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:30.080 you've lost this weight, and what is really happening is 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:32.400 not the paranoia that you'll leave, or it is the 0:06:32.440 --> 0:06:35.640 paranoia that you'll leave is coming from his own insecurity 0:06:36.080 --> 0:06:39.120 because he feels like, damn, now that you look this 0:06:39.160 --> 0:06:41.479 way or make a certain amount of money, you have 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:47.240 more options. So what I don't hear people say is that, oh, well, 0:06:47.360 --> 0:06:51.360 men may date less attractive or bigger women. 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:53.080 Because of their own goddamn insecurities. 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:56.560 Not what these quote unquote fat or ugly women will 0:06:56.600 --> 0:07:00.120 do because they're insecure or down and need to settle. Well, 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:02.760 it's the fact that men show up and get something 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:04.479 that makes them feel comfortable as well. 0:07:04.680 --> 0:07:06.120 And I'm gonna be the way, by the way, so 0:07:06.279 --> 0:07:08.039 let me just say one thing real quick to clarify, 0:07:08.080 --> 0:07:09.840 because I totally understand where you're comeing from from me, 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:12.120 even mentioning that on the show. It could be that 0:07:12.280 --> 0:07:15.440 same equation that I'm mentioning now, but different numbers and 0:07:15.480 --> 0:07:17.040 variables that we plug it and doesn't have to be. 0:07:18.200 --> 0:07:20.600 The fact is that I feel like sometimes certain men 0:07:20.720 --> 0:07:23.560 are with certain women or stay with certain women because 0:07:23.560 --> 0:07:26.200 of the comfortability, and they're like, you know what, things 0:07:26.240 --> 0:07:28.080 are not going to change. I like my girl who 0:07:28.120 --> 0:07:31.440 she is now, and you're gonna change on me. You 0:07:31.440 --> 0:07:33.840 know what, You're gonna make more money, you gotta feel 0:07:33.840 --> 0:07:37.400 happier about yourself now, and you like this. 0:07:37.400 --> 0:07:39.040 Is kind of hypothetical. 0:07:39.400 --> 0:07:44.680 And everyone or even Wheezy y'all like thick brawl it 0:07:44.800 --> 0:07:48.600 for you. You like thick, voluptuous women. You like a 0:07:48.760 --> 0:07:54.000 big stocku man during your relationship. They choose because they 0:07:54.040 --> 0:07:56.240 want to feel better for their own reasons. 0:07:56.520 --> 0:07:57.240 They lose weight. 0:07:57.800 --> 0:08:01.400 She now becomes a thin, very in shape track runner, 0:08:01.480 --> 0:08:04.080 and your man becomes a little scrawny ass. 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:06.960 You know, just just thin, lean man, because that's what 0:08:07.000 --> 0:08:08.320 they want. Is that not? 0:08:08.760 --> 0:08:08.840 Like? 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:12.400 Could you as a partner then say you changed what 0:08:12.480 --> 0:08:12.840 I like? 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:15.520 I don't know if I want to stay here anymore. 0:08:15.800 --> 0:08:20.119 I know she's leaning into the paranoia, but I'm wondering, too, 0:08:20.320 --> 0:08:22.680 is you're smaller? 0:08:22.840 --> 0:08:26.800 That's not what I like? Because I do think you 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:31.320 need to kind of I want to I wear a 0:08:31.320 --> 0:08:35.360 hairstyle that my man hates. Let's say he hates the 0:08:35.440 --> 0:08:40.760 chunky braids. He likes s get me like standard, just regular, 0:08:41.000 --> 0:08:44.280 knot list box breid. He doesn't like big, big, chunky braids. 0:08:44.679 --> 0:08:46.480 And I remember I was talking about I might do 0:08:46.520 --> 0:08:48.080 it for some episode of sex Cell. He was like, 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:49.679 I hope it's just for that episode. You know, I 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:51.719 don't like that. And I was like, okay, now you're 0:08:51.720 --> 0:08:53.480 gonna tell me what they do a nigga. He's like, 0:08:53.520 --> 0:08:56.320 I mean, but what do you want to wear? Styles? 0:08:56.320 --> 0:08:59.760 I like? Wouldn't I wouldn't wear I wouldn't cut my hair, 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:01.600 didn't die my hair. I know you fucking think that 0:09:01.600 --> 0:09:04.960 shit is crazy? Like, shouldn't we be complimenting each other? Yes, 0:09:05.000 --> 0:09:08.600 And I gotta be hones yes, and I think there 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:12.240 is a yes and because when it comes to health 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:16.120 it's a little different. But when it comes to appearance. 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:18.240 For example, if your man hated you wearing cargoes, that's 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:20.280 a style you love. It looks cute on you. But 0:09:20.320 --> 0:09:22.000 if he's like, I hate when women wear. 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:25.079 Pants, Oh, you gotta get over it, or that's such 0:09:25.080 --> 0:09:26.040 a common thing the way. 0:09:25.920 --> 0:09:30.520 And if he goes and yes, and we talked about it, 0:09:30.520 --> 0:09:32.920 it's so funny. I went out to have drinks with 0:09:32.960 --> 0:09:35.120 my friend the other day and I had a sun 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:36.160 dress long with flowers. 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:38.040 He said, I didn't even know you own that. 0:09:38.080 --> 0:09:40.000 I said, sorry that I just like a suid with you, babe, 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:42.440 Like I'll bring the fuck maybe I'll bring the sun dress. 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:45.199 But I wear what I want to wear when I 0:09:45.240 --> 0:09:46.640 want to wear it. Yeah, I guess if you meet 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:48.320 me with a certain style, that's a tough one. But 0:09:48.360 --> 0:09:48.920 I think style. 0:09:49.040 --> 0:09:52.120 I do physical appearance in money, I do think physical experience. 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:55.120 If it's not for health, like if I got a BBL, 0:09:55.160 --> 0:09:56.240 my nigga would probably leave me. 0:09:56.480 --> 0:09:58.840 I'm not a lot. It's okay now now, I like 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:02.120 how you said that, right, I will subscribe to the 0:10:02.160 --> 0:10:04.200 fact that if I'm with my shorty, I'm happy with 0:10:04.240 --> 0:10:07.680 however she is. I will be toxic in the sense 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:09.880 maybe that if my girl wants to go get a 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:12.040 bb or something, I'm like, I don't know why we 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:14.000 got to put you on the knife. 0:10:13.840 --> 0:10:15.120 To make you more beautiful. 0:10:15.520 --> 0:10:16.040 I wouldn't. 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:17.559 I can't subspect. I love that. 0:10:23.920 --> 0:10:26.160 I want to go back though to the question, especially 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:30.520 as a guy, I will give my advice. How do 0:10:30.600 --> 0:10:33.360 I assure my man that I have not outgrown him? 0:10:33.400 --> 0:10:36.320 I will tell you now, and I've said it based 0:10:36.360 --> 0:10:40.600 off my own experience with an insecure as nigga. You 0:10:40.840 --> 0:10:46.760 cannot help an insecure man or an insecure woman feel 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:49.360 more secure about themselves without them doing the work. 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:51.719 I would say, he needs to go. 0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:54.240 To therapy and work on the things that's triggering him 0:10:54.520 --> 0:10:56.160 to make you feel like you'll leave. 0:10:56.400 --> 0:10:58.199 You can literally take him on dates. 0:10:57.960 --> 0:11:00.440 Gift him every week, tell him every man morning that 0:11:00.480 --> 0:11:02.080 you love him, Tell him you don't want to be 0:11:02.160 --> 0:11:05.480 with anyone else, and the devil on this shoulder will 0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:09.960 constantly tell him she's gonna find someone better. There's someone 0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:12.280 better than me right now. I feel like the projection 0:11:12.480 --> 0:11:15.640 and the paranoi is coming from his own insecurities. 0:11:15.000 --> 0:11:16.000 That he has to work through. 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:17.080 Agree on that. 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:18.959 Yeah, And I also don't think anything you could do. 0:11:19.040 --> 0:11:21.840 I don't think your man is with you because you 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:25.040 looked a certain way like she's married, right, Yeah, I 0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:29.800 remember her writing before. But I honestly think sometimes we 0:11:29.880 --> 0:11:32.400 just get insecure with self improvement for someone we aren't 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:36.480 doing it for ourselves. And so if you're making more 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:40.400 money and changing your fitness, it could be just like damn, 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:42.600 like I haven't been doing this. This isn't something we 0:11:42.600 --> 0:11:44.480 were doing together. A lot of the mirror for people, 0:11:44.600 --> 0:11:47.160 a lot of couples, you know, they share fitness goals together, 0:11:47.200 --> 0:11:50.400 they're encouraging each other, they're doing things together. So you 0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:52.600 may just be making him feel left out. Not to 0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:55.360 say you're doing it on purpose, but what's happening to 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:57.600 you is probably making him feel left out. So I 0:11:57.640 --> 0:12:01.240 would just do the opposite instead of figuring out how 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:03.280 do I fix it? Is to encourage him to do 0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:07.240 the same, Like no matter how you lost weight. We 0:12:07.280 --> 0:12:10.160 all know that gym can be helpful. Wanting to go together, 0:12:10.440 --> 0:12:12.360 start saying we I want us to be fly, I 0:12:12.400 --> 0:12:13.880 want us to have a gold work towards. Let's go 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:15.600 on this cruise, Let's go on this vacation together and 0:12:15.800 --> 0:12:18.280 make sure we get here setting goals together. I think 0:12:18.280 --> 0:12:20.920 he would feel less left out of it. Yeah, but 0:12:21.080 --> 0:12:25.920 money or already fit. Oh, that's a good act. 0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:27.040 That's kind of my thing. 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:28.520 Right, It's like, that's why I even want it. Just 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:31.360 the attraction that he had to That's why rety about 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:32.920 the no, no, no, I don't think this is attraction. 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:35.880 It could be different equations and different variables, right, it's 0:12:35.960 --> 0:12:38.320 of the fact that it's like he does feel like 0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:41.360 he's being left out. But to your point, it's some 0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:42.520 stuff that he might want. 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:45.800 To work smaller. Like I would almost bet my life 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:49.760 he isn't fit. If you were with someone who was 0:12:49.880 --> 0:12:53.080 super super fit and you made a health change like that, 0:12:53.880 --> 0:12:58.760 I really think they would beating man. He give me 0:12:58.800 --> 0:13:00.440 a second. Let me, let me, let me, let me 0:13:00.440 --> 0:13:03.560 finish my thought. If you were dating someone who's super fit, 0:13:04.320 --> 0:13:08.120 I don't see a world where they would feel uncomfortable 0:13:08.120 --> 0:13:10.280 with your weight loss more than they would champion it 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:13.920 and feel like you did something that's more in alignment 0:13:13.960 --> 0:13:16.640 with them. This is not meaning that someone super fit 0:13:16.679 --> 0:13:19.719 can't be with someone that's overweight. I'm just saying if 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:23.520 someone's living that life, they are going to love that people. 0:13:23.720 --> 0:13:25.920 And mind you, I own a gym, now, I know 0:13:25.960 --> 0:13:28.360 how these people are fucking talking every day they are 0:13:28.400 --> 0:13:30.600 seeing this shit so different. Literally to the point where 0:13:30.920 --> 0:13:32.520 one of the new girls that works with us, she's 0:13:32.520 --> 0:13:34.839 such a cutie talking about what type of man she wants, 0:13:35.360 --> 0:13:37.160 first thing on her mound, healthy lifestyle, like I want 0:13:37.200 --> 0:13:38.559 to make sure that we're doing this kind of routine 0:13:38.559 --> 0:13:40.360 to get like that's how they talk. So if she 0:13:40.440 --> 0:13:42.360 was with someone super fit, there wouldn't be a world 0:13:42.360 --> 0:13:44.920 where he's like you want someone else now, No, because you, 0:13:44.960 --> 0:13:45.800 but it could be. 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:48.199 It's interesting because it reminds me of like the very 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:51.160 small thing right in terms of the insecurity of a man. 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:54.559 You could put a dress on to go hang out 0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:57.200 with your friends, and he looks at that dress and 0:13:57.280 --> 0:13:58.880 knows that other men are gonna look at it. He's 0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:02.520 gonna want you to take that dress. That's his own insecurity, 0:14:03.320 --> 0:14:05.720 projecting at the fact that now other men are going 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:07.560 to be looking at you. That's what I'm saying in 0:14:07.640 --> 0:14:11.720 terms of this man's your husband's projection of damn, you 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:14.199 don't lost this weight, Maybe you're gonna get the attention 0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:16.600 of more men. And maybe because I'm insecure of how 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:17.240 I'm showing up. 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:19.760 Yes, I think that's true. I think it's just that 0:14:19.920 --> 0:14:22.240 I'm really speaking to that fit thing. I think there's 0:14:22.280 --> 0:14:25.720 no way. I really don't people that are living a 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:27.960 certain way. When you get to have your partner being 0:14:27.960 --> 0:14:31.360 in alignment. Just imagine Wolf. Wolf's been vegan for a while, right, 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:33.720 Imagine he got a girl who's a meati either and 0:14:33.760 --> 0:14:37.240 suddenly she wants to become vegan. He's not gonna be like, oh, 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:39.240 what nigga made you change your mind? Hell no, He's 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:41.400 gonna be like, no, now we on the fucking path. See. 0:14:41.440 --> 0:14:44.280 But that's an interesting aspect too, right, can maybe we 0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:47.200 can move those variables around. What if it's about eating 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:49.120 lifestyles and stuff like that, But. 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:52.920 Eating lifestyle doesn't bring about the paranoia or insecurities that 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:54.160 you're going to find someone better. 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:55.280 I think it's healthier. 0:14:55.360 --> 0:14:55.440 Right. 0:14:55.520 --> 0:14:58.000 Let's say if me and my girl both me eaters. 0:14:58.080 --> 0:15:01.280 Now she's doing veganism and she's leading a healthier life. 0:15:01.280 --> 0:15:03.720 A woman living a healthier life and being vegan isn't 0:15:03.720 --> 0:15:06.360 gonna bring about your insecurities of another man being better 0:15:06.400 --> 0:15:09.000 than me, or you being able to pull different men, 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:12.920 or me feeling inadequate in where I stand in this relationship. 0:15:12.960 --> 0:15:15.680 It's physical change. Yeah, there's physical change. And the fact that, 0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:18.240 let's be very clear when we talk about men. We 0:15:18.280 --> 0:15:20.400 had an episode about the patriarchy, when we talk about 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:22.880 how men show up as the provider, how can I 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:24.520 really be the provider now when you make one hundred 0:15:24.520 --> 0:15:25.480 and fifty thousand dollars more. 0:15:25.520 --> 0:15:27.120 To be honest with you, though, I think being that 0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:28.880 they've been married for a while, because if I remember 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:31.480 who this is, she's been our patron for a minute. 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:34.640 If it really is money as long as they've been married, 0:15:34.840 --> 0:15:38.120 I don't know. I feel like if you're a generous 0:15:38.160 --> 0:15:41.400 person in the household, like for example, let's just say 0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:43.760 I'm ake okay, she makes one to fifty more. Let's 0:15:43.760 --> 0:15:45.520 say he makes one hundred and she makes two fifty. 0:15:46.200 --> 0:15:48.880 We're married, I don't know, ten years, maybe we're getting 0:15:48.880 --> 0:15:52.080 a different like, yeah, it's like you gonna have to 0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:56.120 fucking keep this extra one hundred and fifty thousand in 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:59.360 the talk for myself. We've been married a minute. Fuck no, nigga, 0:15:59.360 --> 0:16:01.120 we getting a new. 0:16:00.600 --> 0:16:03.720 And if he was raised like Wolf, I can understand 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:08.640 how now there's insecurities that everything I thought I should. 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:11.160 Be as a man now doesn't align with this emotion. 0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:13.280 Whe you think Wolf don't feel about white. 0:16:13.400 --> 0:16:16.640 But I'm saying, as a provider and protector Wolf, your 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:18.600 woman comes and makes one hundred and fifty k, and 0:16:18.640 --> 0:16:20.760 mind you. We just had this conversation as well with 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:23.680 a matchmaker who said, I believe you should date someone 0:16:24.000 --> 0:16:26.440 who doesn't have more than a thirty thousand dollars difference 0:16:26.600 --> 0:16:30.480 because there's gonna be that insecurity of who gets to 0:16:30.520 --> 0:16:33.840 tell who what and all those things. Because it's unfortunately 0:16:33.880 --> 0:16:36.920 relationships and how you show up in a dynamic is 0:16:36.960 --> 0:16:39.480 often rooted in who the breadwinner is. 0:16:39.720 --> 0:16:40.840 Who the head of household is. 0:16:40.960 --> 0:16:43.120 Yeah, yeah, I take it a step further. I don't 0:16:43.160 --> 0:16:45.360 mind if my woman makes a whole lot more money 0:16:45.400 --> 0:16:47.200 than me. Like the type of guy I am a 0:16:47.360 --> 0:16:50.360 very dominant So it's more about like mentality and the 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:52.600 frequency between us like, you can make way more money 0:16:52.600 --> 0:16:54.920 as long as I don't feel different from the position 0:16:54.960 --> 0:16:56.840 I feel most comfortable being in. You know, I don't 0:16:56.840 --> 0:16:59.680 feel emasculated because you're making a lot of money. And furthermore, 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:02.360 I want to provide a point that I think it's 0:17:02.440 --> 0:17:07.760 very possible that somebody could go through their life being overweight, right, 0:17:07.880 --> 0:17:10.280 and then they slim down, and then now they get 0:17:10.400 --> 0:17:13.399 attention that they never got before ever in their life. 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:15.600 They got people giving him certain looks, they got people 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:17.679 charming them in a certain way, and I think it's 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:20.320 possible they could fall victims to the abuse of the power. 0:17:20.560 --> 0:17:24.560 Yeah, that's crazy. I think that's very possible. I absolutely 0:17:24.640 --> 0:17:27.920 agree with you know, I like something you just brought up. 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:31.800 You wouldn't feel emasculated through money. I think we as 0:17:31.840 --> 0:17:34.320 women constantly use money as the way that men will 0:17:34.359 --> 0:17:38.919 feel emasculated by us, when in reality, I don't know. 0:17:39.119 --> 0:17:43.240 I have someone in my life that makes a lot 0:17:43.280 --> 0:17:45.640 more than her partner, but he still makes family decisions 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:48.600 for them, and I think that's super fair and just. 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:52.880 I've seen him make this. He's very masculine, like I've 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:55.439 seen him kind of whether it's her car or not. 0:17:55.560 --> 0:17:58.480 We've been out in La, Like he's opening the door, 0:17:58.560 --> 0:18:01.120 he's out pumping the gas, he's picking up our check, 0:18:01.160 --> 0:18:05.399 he's doing manly things. It might be her fucking crazy 0:18:05.440 --> 0:18:09.320 extensive car or whatever the case, but like, it's not 0:18:09.400 --> 0:18:12.479 just finances that can make man feel down. And I 0:18:12.480 --> 0:18:14.919 guess we forget that a lot. There's so much gender 0:18:14.960 --> 0:18:17.520 work conversation, and I honestly hope we don't have it 0:18:17.560 --> 0:18:19.320 for a while because I'm a little bit on overloaded it. 0:18:19.720 --> 0:18:24.320 But like, yeah, I agree, we don't know what you 0:18:24.359 --> 0:18:24.720 can do. 0:18:24.840 --> 0:18:28.880 I would say, hopefully get your husband in therapy as 0:18:28.880 --> 0:18:31.840 a way for him to deal with whatever his mind 0:18:32.119 --> 0:18:34.960 is causing in terms of the paranoia. We are really 0:18:35.040 --> 0:18:38.520 really proud of you for getting a position professionally that 0:18:38.600 --> 0:18:40.560 allows you to make that much money as well as 0:18:40.840 --> 0:18:44.399 taking your health into consideration and losing two hundred pounds, 0:18:44.440 --> 0:18:45.240 because bitch. 0:18:45.000 --> 0:18:47.440 That is incredible and amazing. 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:51.560