1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,800 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what. 4 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:24,880 Speaker 2: They mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to 5 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 2: the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. 6 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,240 Speaker 2: Wherever you are in the world, it is so great 7 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,720 Speaker 2: to have you here. Back for another episode as we 8 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:40,120 Speaker 2: of course break down the psychology of our twenties. Before 9 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:43,920 Speaker 2: we get into things, this episode does deal with discussions 10 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:47,960 Speaker 2: of abuse. Please just take a moment to assess whether 11 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 2: that is something that you are ready to hear today. 12 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 2: This episode will still be here tomorrow, it will still 13 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,200 Speaker 2: be here in a week, in a few months when 14 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 2: you are in a better headspace to perhaps return to 15 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,520 Speaker 2: its So it is your decision, but just giving you 16 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,319 Speaker 2: a heads up and a reminder to please take care 17 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:09,360 Speaker 2: of yourself. A really hot topic in the dating realm. 18 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 2: In the dating world at the moment is love bumming, 19 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 2: and it has been for a while now. You see 20 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 2: tiktoks and reels of it everywhere, articles about how to 21 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,520 Speaker 2: tell if he's love bumming you. You hear horror stories 22 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,240 Speaker 2: from people who think that they have found the one 23 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,000 Speaker 2: and discover, you know three months later that it was 24 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 2: all a manipulation strategy, These grand gestures that leave us 25 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:37,000 Speaker 2: confused as to whether this person is truly infatuated with us, 26 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,400 Speaker 2: or just likes the idea of you, or is just 27 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,399 Speaker 2: trying to get something from you. It can all be 28 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:46,440 Speaker 2: a little bit confusing to distinguish between a true connection 29 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:50,880 Speaker 2: and love bombing, especially in this day and age when 30 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:54,800 Speaker 2: there is so much confusion and contradictory information about what 31 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 2: actually constitutes a love bombing situation and when to be worried. 32 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,280 Speaker 2: It's it's something we see a lot, right, You know, 33 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,960 Speaker 2: When a term like love bumbing enters our collective psychobabble, 34 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,840 Speaker 2: it can become quite twisted and sometimes misused and actually 35 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,960 Speaker 2: leave us with less answers and less clarity and understanding 36 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 2: than before. And the steaks are also really high. Right 37 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:20,360 Speaker 2: when it comes to love, everything takes on a whole 38 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:24,400 Speaker 2: new level of significance because love is such a soft 39 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 2: and vulnerable part of us, and at the end of 40 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,520 Speaker 2: the day, it's kind of all that we want to 41 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 2: be seen and cared for and adored and spoilt. We 42 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,400 Speaker 2: probably also know what it feels like to be hurt 43 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:41,040 Speaker 2: and disappoint it how hard it is to find a 44 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 2: real connection amongst dozens of dead ends and duds. So 45 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:50,280 Speaker 2: when somebody comes along and seemingly offers us everything that 46 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,919 Speaker 2: we've ever wanted and has no faults, we can fall 47 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:58,360 Speaker 2: pretty quickly. The hard part is discerning when that connection 48 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,280 Speaker 2: and all those brilliant acts of service and gifts and 49 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:05,480 Speaker 2: affirmations is derived from an organic place, or when it 50 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:10,200 Speaker 2: is potentially a facade, a sign of something more sinister 51 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,040 Speaker 2: that is to come, or maybe even a habit that 52 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:16,000 Speaker 2: this person has learned to kind of entice you in 53 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:20,040 Speaker 2: and then switch everything around when they have you. So 54 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:23,639 Speaker 2: let's talk about it today. What is the actual psychology 55 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 2: behind love bumbing? Where does this concept come from, what 56 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,040 Speaker 2: does it have in common with cults and snapchat? What 57 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 2: are some of the biggest signs, and of course, the 58 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:40,680 Speaker 2: distinction between once again, something real and something artificial love 59 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,480 Speaker 2: versus love bumbing, and how can we actually tell? I 60 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,200 Speaker 2: also want to talk about what makes some of us 61 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,480 Speaker 2: more susceptible to these behaviors and why it is definitely 62 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,920 Speaker 2: not your fault that you and me and everyone seems 63 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:59,080 Speaker 2: to get very caught up in this whirlwind of romance. 64 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,920 Speaker 2: Also some of the questions to really help you discern 65 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 2: and determine what's actually going on, whether you can really 66 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:10,160 Speaker 2: trust this situation, you can really trust this person's actions, 67 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,920 Speaker 2: or whether it's time to maybe get out. So all 68 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 2: of that and more, We have so much to talk about. 69 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:21,360 Speaker 2: The psychology behind this is fascinating, at times overwhelming. Without 70 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:29,200 Speaker 2: further ado, let's get into it. We all have some 71 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 2: concept of what it means to be love bombed. Flowers 72 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,480 Speaker 2: every day, I love yous after the first date, promises 73 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:41,200 Speaker 2: of marriage by date three, you know, huge extravagant gifts, 74 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,080 Speaker 2: meeting the family, wanting to spend every second with you 75 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:49,200 Speaker 2: very much, being swept off your feet with grand gestures, 76 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:53,680 Speaker 2: ego boosts, and like a high level of commitment from 77 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 2: the beginning that you may have always wanted from somebody. 78 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,360 Speaker 2: The way I like to put it is that a 79 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:03,080 Speaker 2: relation that contains love bombing appears to be like a 80 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:07,760 Speaker 2: typical relationship timeline on steroids, and you know what, it 81 00:05:07,839 --> 00:05:11,600 Speaker 2: probably feels incredibly nice. That is the whole purpose of 82 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:16,120 Speaker 2: love bumming. You know, it's to induce feelings of closeness 83 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:21,760 Speaker 2: and passion, and intimacy and affection as soon as possible, 84 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:26,280 Speaker 2: And it's only natural that when this happens, you know, 85 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:29,719 Speaker 2: all of those logical and rational centers of our brains 86 00:05:29,839 --> 00:05:34,919 Speaker 2: are essentially overridden by the very powerful chemical reactions that 87 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,400 Speaker 2: are happening in the other parts of our brains that 88 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:41,919 Speaker 2: are responsible for processing emotion. These areas are being flooded 89 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:46,400 Speaker 2: with dopamine and serotonin in response to this other person's 90 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:50,720 Speaker 2: affection and admiration. It is a very biological process at 91 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:54,640 Speaker 2: its core when we really examine it deep down, we 92 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 2: respond so positively to displays of love. We crave so 93 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:03,080 Speaker 2: deeply intimacy and affection that when it is given to us, 94 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,760 Speaker 2: it's like fireworks. It's like everything in our brain goes 95 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 2: into overdrive. But under that that pleasant, sometimes even addictive 96 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:15,200 Speaker 2: feeling is often a sinister intention. Love bumming is, at 97 00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:18,200 Speaker 2: the end of the day, an attempt to influence a 98 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,679 Speaker 2: person through demonstrations of attention and affection that will lower 99 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:26,600 Speaker 2: our defenses and our ability to detect red flags, but 100 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:30,120 Speaker 2: also attach and bond us very quickly to that person 101 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:33,560 Speaker 2: who is displaying these behaviors. There is a benefit for 102 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 2: them that we are perhaps not seeing we are blinded 103 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 2: by their extreme kindness and love. And that benefit may 104 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:44,400 Speaker 2: be to soothe their own insecurities and abandonment issues. It 105 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,240 Speaker 2: may be to create a power dynamic that means we 106 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,880 Speaker 2: will never leave them and they'll have all the control. 107 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,680 Speaker 2: It may be to create dependence, to control and manipulate, 108 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,120 Speaker 2: or to just they get the exciting feelings from those 109 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,240 Speaker 2: early days. That's what they really want, and then when 110 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 2: they're bored, they leave the sinister or ulterior intentions motivations 111 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 2: of love bumming. That is a core characteristic of this behavior. 112 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:15,440 Speaker 2: You cannot have love bumming without that second component, and 113 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 2: we can see that by really diving into the history 114 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,440 Speaker 2: of where the term has come from. So this behavior 115 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,960 Speaker 2: first got its name from a series of cults, including 116 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 2: the Unification Church of the United States and the People's Temple, 117 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:32,040 Speaker 2: which you might know as the cult responsible for the 118 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:37,800 Speaker 2: Jonestown massacre, and also another famous cult called the Branch Davidians, 119 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 2: which was responsible for the Wacos age. So you know, 120 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 2: a very dark history. And the reason that this term 121 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:51,440 Speaker 2: was created was because these cults quickly discovered that excessive 122 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:58,320 Speaker 2: positive reinforcement, excessive displays of friendship and kinship gifts and incentives. 123 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,200 Speaker 2: They were a really great way to get new members 124 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,760 Speaker 2: and to prevent them from leaving. This was one of 125 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:09,080 Speaker 2: their tactics for winning people over and building trust but 126 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:14,280 Speaker 2: also dependency and allegiance on a very short timeline, and 127 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,560 Speaker 2: as awful as it was for their purpose, it was 128 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:21,400 Speaker 2: very smart. They took one of our core needs, love 129 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:25,720 Speaker 2: and belonging, which sits only above our biological needs for 130 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:30,200 Speaker 2: food and water and our safety needs for security, and 131 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:34,440 Speaker 2: they artificially manipulated it to achieve what they wanted, which 132 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:39,679 Speaker 2: was total psychological control. If it could be used in 133 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:44,200 Speaker 2: those circumstances, and it definitely is, it can also be 134 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:48,440 Speaker 2: used in everyday and one on one relationships, like in 135 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:51,400 Speaker 2: dating or even in friendship. It's not like they were 136 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,840 Speaker 2: the first people to discover this, but they were the 137 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:59,720 Speaker 2: first to really use it for very extreme, large sinister 138 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,560 Speaker 2: care pains to win people over. Here is the thing 139 00:09:02,559 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 2: that a lot of us don't realize though, but what 140 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,960 Speaker 2: we typically see as love bombing, the extravagance, the excitement, 141 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 2: that is really only the first stage. So according to 142 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 2: the psychiatrist Dale Archer, who did a lot of his 143 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,439 Speaker 2: initial research in his career on love bombing. He talked 144 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:21,360 Speaker 2: to Patience, he heard about their experiences. Love Bombing actually 145 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:25,600 Speaker 2: tends to occur in three phases, so the idealization phase 146 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:29,160 Speaker 2: comes first. That is what we typically see is love bombing. 147 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:32,600 Speaker 2: Your partner really bombards you with excessive affection to draw 148 00:09:32,679 --> 00:09:35,480 Speaker 2: you in to let your guard down. You know, I've 149 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,720 Speaker 2: already mentioned a few signs of this, but some others 150 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:41,319 Speaker 2: that therapists often speak of include, you know, your partner 151 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,360 Speaker 2: rushes into locking things down. They're really jealous of your 152 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:48,280 Speaker 2: family and friends. They show up even when they weren't invited. 153 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,640 Speaker 2: They like you better when you're alone. They over communicate 154 00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:53,880 Speaker 2: their love to the point where it may even make 155 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,880 Speaker 2: you feel uncomfortable. And at first it may seem too 156 00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:00,360 Speaker 2: good to be true or too easy. And that is 157 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,640 Speaker 2: the purpose. That is what we want, that is what 158 00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:06,080 Speaker 2: they want. Because what comes after that is the devaluation phase. 159 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,199 Speaker 2: And this is where we can really categorize their behavior 160 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:12,680 Speaker 2: as love bumming. When it feels like the honeymoon period 161 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:16,200 Speaker 2: kind of suddenly bursts overnight. Once you start to let 162 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,160 Speaker 2: your guard down and get comfortable in this relationship, the 163 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:22,319 Speaker 2: red flags start to appear because they've won your trust. 164 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:26,000 Speaker 2: They may try to exert control over you in a 165 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:29,760 Speaker 2: variety of ways, being very demanding of your time, being 166 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,520 Speaker 2: very upset when you make plans without them. They might 167 00:10:32,559 --> 00:10:35,840 Speaker 2: limit your access to your friends and family. They may 168 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:40,000 Speaker 2: start bites just to kind of exert control over you 169 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,200 Speaker 2: and to stop you from going to events. You know, 170 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 2: a lot of emotional manipulation, a lot of gas lighting. 171 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,040 Speaker 2: The gifts, you know, they become less regular. The compliments 172 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:52,680 Speaker 2: are also mixed in with insults. But we keep thinking 173 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:57,360 Speaker 2: back to those early days and expecting this past version 174 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,600 Speaker 2: of them and this past version of our love to 175 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:05,920 Speaker 2: come back because of how deeply rewired the idealization phase 176 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,680 Speaker 2: has made us. In really severe cases, we don't just 177 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:14,400 Speaker 2: see psychological manipulation and emotional abuse, but also physical abuse. 178 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,640 Speaker 2: And when you confront them, what you enter in that 179 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,200 Speaker 2: moment is the third stage, and the third stage is 180 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:26,120 Speaker 2: the discard phase, when you try and work things through 181 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:31,079 Speaker 2: with them, when you instigate meaningful conversation, when you attempt 182 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:35,559 Speaker 2: to reset healthy boundaries. This person, your partner, may avoid 183 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:39,439 Speaker 2: accountability by refusing to cooperate, refusing to talk about it, 184 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:45,840 Speaker 2: refusing to compromise, or by abandoning the relationship altogether, and 185 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:50,240 Speaker 2: this can leave you feeling really confused and really disorientated 186 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:53,520 Speaker 2: because you know, a couple of weeks ago it was 187 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:57,720 Speaker 2: like the most brilliant, beautiful TV romance of the century, 188 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:02,720 Speaker 2: and now here you are alone. There's also, you know, 189 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,200 Speaker 2: likely to be some level of dependence and emotional reliance, 190 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,120 Speaker 2: which means that we've been so like hyped up by 191 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:14,600 Speaker 2: these huge feelings and emotions that we can't help but 192 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 2: kind of feel compelled to go back and to try 193 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,280 Speaker 2: and win them over and to try and see what 194 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,880 Speaker 2: went wrong, and we really want the relationship to work, 195 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:27,920 Speaker 2: and that is when the love bombing cycle typically begins again. 196 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:33,160 Speaker 2: This person attempts to repair the bond or repair the 197 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,800 Speaker 2: wound that they have left by doing what they know works, 198 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:42,199 Speaker 2: which is all of those extreme examples of love. This 199 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:46,000 Speaker 2: is important to note because you know this might sound controversial, 200 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,720 Speaker 2: but the behaviors we typically associate with love bombing, those 201 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,320 Speaker 2: things that we see in the first stage are in 202 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,920 Speaker 2: themselves and alone. They're not evil or manipulative. Actually they're 203 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,920 Speaker 2: pretty special. You know, it's not all that impossible that 204 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,839 Speaker 2: someone may actually full head over heels with you, and 205 00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:05,120 Speaker 2: it could be like a natural and an intense reaction. 206 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:08,040 Speaker 2: It's not like you cannot accept flowers because it's love bubbing. 207 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,240 Speaker 2: Somebody might say I love you a little bit too soon, 208 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:15,720 Speaker 2: you know, because they're it's just human. Some people just 209 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,240 Speaker 2: really do get in their feelings and have no intention 210 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,439 Speaker 2: of manipulating you. But it's what comes after that. It's 211 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 2: phase two and phase three that really create the love 212 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 2: bombing cycle and situation. As I've already mentioned, you know, 213 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,720 Speaker 2: love bombing can become also a part of a cycle 214 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:36,600 Speaker 2: of abuse, whereby it's not just they that they use 215 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:41,200 Speaker 2: these you know, activities and behaviors to entice you, but 216 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:47,400 Speaker 2: they use them to control you, and they use them 217 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:52,240 Speaker 2: as a way of reconciling with you after arguments, after 218 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:56,720 Speaker 2: incidences of abuse. So there was this really amazing article 219 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,200 Speaker 2: about this by a women's aid group, which I'll put 220 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,720 Speaker 2: in the discription, and in that article, this is what 221 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:06,600 Speaker 2: they had to say. Love bombing becomes an effective tool 222 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:10,880 Speaker 2: to abuses as they exert coerce of control over a 223 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 2: partner because it is intended to keep you still hopeful 224 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:19,280 Speaker 2: even when it all goes bad. And it's that hope 225 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:25,000 Speaker 2: that you know, causes people to sometimes stay. So let's 226 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,960 Speaker 2: move on. Let's talk about why is the people love 227 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,440 Speaker 2: bomb what's going on in their brains? Why, what's the 228 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 2: need here? There is a concept here that we haven't 229 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:36,560 Speaker 2: spoken about yet that really needs to be brought up 230 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:40,120 Speaker 2: when we're having conversations about love bombing. You cannot talk 231 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:45,640 Speaker 2: about love bombing without also talking about narcissism. Narcissism, for 232 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:51,160 Speaker 2: a quick catch up, describes basically a network of personality 233 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:54,960 Speaker 2: traits that center around an extreme sense of self involvement 234 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:59,200 Speaker 2: and self importance. A person displaying narcissistic traits or who 235 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:04,520 Speaker 2: has narcissisty personality disorder, is preoccupied by their own interests 236 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,920 Speaker 2: and needs, even if they are at the expense of 237 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:10,440 Speaker 2: somebody else. They the only thing they want from you 238 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,480 Speaker 2: is what you can give them. They want your attention, 239 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:17,040 Speaker 2: they want their they want your admiration, they want everything 240 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,280 Speaker 2: is for them. That's basically what narcissism is. Person who's 241 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,880 Speaker 2: only focused on what they seek to gain from a situation. 242 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,440 Speaker 2: So I don't think that it will come as a 243 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:31,960 Speaker 2: surprise that there is a significant correlation between narcissistic personality 244 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:36,120 Speaker 2: traits and love bombing. In a really fascinating study published 245 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:41,480 Speaker 2: in twenty seventeen, researchers observed almost five hundred college students 246 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:46,560 Speaker 2: their personalities, their relationship formation, and they found that love 247 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:51,119 Speaker 2: bombing was used as a way to form relationships, especially 248 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:55,960 Speaker 2: and specifically amongst individuals who reported a low self esteem, 249 00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:02,640 Speaker 2: b an insecure attachment, and see narcissistic persons. This makes 250 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,600 Speaker 2: a lot of sense because, as one researcher put it, 251 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:10,040 Speaker 2: the psychological reasoning behind love bombing is I need to 252 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:13,880 Speaker 2: get you to trust me. I need you to only 253 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,440 Speaker 2: want me and not somebody else. I want to get 254 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,640 Speaker 2: on your good side. I want to build your trust 255 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 2: so that when I discard you later, you're not going 256 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,320 Speaker 2: to know it's coming. And I will never be the 257 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:28,920 Speaker 2: one who feels abandoned or rejected. I always get to 258 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,560 Speaker 2: be the one who was in control, because that way, 259 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,120 Speaker 2: I am the one who always gets my needs met. 260 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:41,040 Speaker 2: By overwhelming somebody with positive reinforcement, the love bomber creates 261 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:45,480 Speaker 2: a sense of dependency, and the recipient may feel that 262 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:49,920 Speaker 2: they could never find such an intense affection and validation 263 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,560 Speaker 2: anywhere else, so it makes them very makes it very hard, 264 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:56,240 Speaker 2: makes it very difficult for you to want to leave, 265 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:01,239 Speaker 2: even when the relationship turns our. Love bombing is manipulation 266 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,600 Speaker 2: for personal gain, but it's also a way to protect 267 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,840 Speaker 2: their ego. They get to have you and your affection 268 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,080 Speaker 2: as quickly and when they want it. They get to 269 00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:13,879 Speaker 2: play the game. They get to keep you invested, and 270 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,440 Speaker 2: then when they're done, they get to end it when 271 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:20,040 Speaker 2: they want. The root of love bombing is manipulation, but 272 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:24,359 Speaker 2: it's also control and power. It's not just narcissism that 273 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:27,680 Speaker 2: drives this, you know, disorganize an insecure attachment also plays 274 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,720 Speaker 2: a role. So the authors of that same paper are 275 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:34,159 Speaker 2: just referenced also mentioned it briefly. But people with an 276 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:38,159 Speaker 2: anxious attachment style may find themselves engaging in some of 277 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:41,320 Speaker 2: the behaviors that look like love bombing, and not always 278 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 2: for the purposes of control, but because of an innate 279 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,639 Speaker 2: insecurity and fear that causes them to speed up the 280 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:51,200 Speaker 2: relationship out of a worry that the other person will 281 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,359 Speaker 2: leave if they are given the chance, if they apply 282 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,280 Speaker 2: all of these tactics for bonding somebody to them, if 283 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,840 Speaker 2: they shower them and praise and gifts and feelings, there 284 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,280 Speaker 2: is less chance of rejection or heartbreak. It is still manipulative, 285 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:07,680 Speaker 2: it is intended to influence the situation, but for very 286 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:12,200 Speaker 2: different reasons. Does it make it healthier? Absolutely not, because 287 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:15,800 Speaker 2: it does still involve creating a false environment and artificial 288 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:19,640 Speaker 2: circumstances that make them seem like the perfect match until 289 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,240 Speaker 2: they start to feel better about the situation, until they 290 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:26,040 Speaker 2: start to feel secure, until they have you. So it 291 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:30,000 Speaker 2: is just another explanation for why somebody might instigate this 292 00:18:30,119 --> 00:18:33,520 Speaker 2: pattern of behaviors. A final explanation. You know, there are 293 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,639 Speaker 2: quite a few more, but these are the big three. 294 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,720 Speaker 2: The final explanation I want to mention for why people 295 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,560 Speaker 2: love bomb has to do with what we might call 296 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 2: intensity addiction. There are some people out there who just 297 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:49,719 Speaker 2: love the honeymoon phase. That's all they're here for, and 298 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:53,080 Speaker 2: so they have a brief window to squeeze in all 299 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:57,520 Speaker 2: the deep emotions, the love, the ecstasy, the beauty of 300 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:00,840 Speaker 2: falling in love before things start to get too serious, 301 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:04,960 Speaker 2: and then they can evacuate. Fast tracking a relationship through 302 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,920 Speaker 2: love bumbing gives them the intense high that they want 303 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:12,119 Speaker 2: without the commitment. It is a great way to get 304 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,800 Speaker 2: all the highs without never having to experience the lows 305 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,919 Speaker 2: because they leave after only a few months before the 306 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,520 Speaker 2: honeymoon phase is over and the whole time they've had 307 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:25,760 Speaker 2: a lot of the power. I will give these individuals 308 00:19:26,119 --> 00:19:30,639 Speaker 2: some level of grace. Often they have no idea that 309 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,639 Speaker 2: this is what they're doing. It is a subconscious relationship 310 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 2: pattern that has been ingrained in them for a long time, 311 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 2: maybe because they were once hurt, maybe because they just 312 00:19:41,359 --> 00:19:44,879 Speaker 2: are too scared of commitment. And often the feelings are 313 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 2: somewhat real, and if you ask them, you know, for 314 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 2: a relationship timeline, they do care about the people they dated, 315 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,880 Speaker 2: but there are these almost gaps in their memories around 316 00:19:56,240 --> 00:20:00,240 Speaker 2: why the relationship ended, because acknowledging that perhaps it was 317 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,399 Speaker 2: most likely them would mean that they would have to 318 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,399 Speaker 2: recognize that their acceleration of the timeline was actually what 319 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:11,359 Speaker 2: caused it to crash and burn. And it's often us 320 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 2: that are the casualties because they've already clocked out. They've 321 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,840 Speaker 2: already checked out of the relationship as soon as it 322 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:20,400 Speaker 2: wasn't fun anymore. I think from this we can kind 323 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,760 Speaker 2: of determine a little bit of a love bombing spectrum 324 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:29,120 Speaker 2: or scale. At one end, we have narcissism and individuals 325 00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:33,200 Speaker 2: who are deliberate and planned about their desire to have us, 326 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 2: to control, us, to manipulate. And then we have people 327 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,440 Speaker 2: at the other end whose relationship habits and patterns are 328 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:43,760 Speaker 2: just completely chaotic and careless. But the thing is, we 329 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,720 Speaker 2: are still the ones who get hurt in the process. 330 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,240 Speaker 2: And here's the thing, even if their intentions aren't malicious, 331 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,680 Speaker 2: even when it feels good, we really we want to 332 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:57,200 Speaker 2: love that lasts. That's what we want. We want a healthy, 333 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:02,520 Speaker 2: sustaining love, not one of instant gratification, not a temporary 334 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,240 Speaker 2: or artificial feeling that is built on the basis of 335 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:09,800 Speaker 2: exhilaration and fast paced emotions that will eventually fade. And 336 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,240 Speaker 2: it's hard to tell sometimes. Let me tell you that 337 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,119 Speaker 2: it is especially hard to tell when you have maybe 338 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,640 Speaker 2: spent a good deal of time dealing with people who 339 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:22,159 Speaker 2: give you absolutely nothing or the bare minimum. You know, 340 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,640 Speaker 2: sometimes it is refreshing for somebody to come and come 341 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,119 Speaker 2: along and whine and dine in us. And you do 342 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,600 Speaker 2: deserve that, You deserve great, deep love. It's just about 343 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:35,480 Speaker 2: distinguishing between when that is a real sign of love, 344 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:40,280 Speaker 2: when that is a real connection versus love bombing. So 345 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,800 Speaker 2: that is what we're going to talk about next. What 346 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 2: is the distinction. How can we tell and how can 347 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:54,120 Speaker 2: we protect ourselves after this short break. Love is meant 348 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:57,119 Speaker 2: to feel amazing and you were meant to be spoiled 349 00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:00,560 Speaker 2: and treated well. You really do deserve so someone who 350 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,399 Speaker 2: wants to make your life better and things that you 351 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,280 Speaker 2: are amazing and gives you little gifts showing you that 352 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,560 Speaker 2: they're thinking of you and sees the future with you. 353 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,000 Speaker 2: But the healthy version of this comes with time. It's 354 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:16,080 Speaker 2: something that I've definitely realized the older I've gotten, the 355 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:19,240 Speaker 2: more relationships I've been in, the more relationships I've seen 356 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,320 Speaker 2: my friends being, and I've observed those that are built 357 00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:26,400 Speaker 2: slowly are built on real feeling. Those that emerge overnight 358 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:30,800 Speaker 2: or often built on impulse or something artificial and short lived. 359 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:35,080 Speaker 2: There are a few key relationship characteristics that I think 360 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:39,639 Speaker 2: distinguish or differ between love bumming and love. These are 361 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:44,800 Speaker 2: typically pacing. Love Bumming involves an intense and rapid escalation 362 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:48,440 Speaker 2: of the relationship. The love bummer will push very quickly 363 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:52,240 Speaker 2: for commitment and intense closeness very early on. 364 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:53,199 Speaker 1: You know. 365 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:56,720 Speaker 2: Love, on the other hand, takes time because closeness comes 366 00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:01,040 Speaker 2: from experience and shared memories and value use and growth 367 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:05,920 Speaker 2: as a partnership. The other component is inconsistency. Love should 368 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,080 Speaker 2: be consistent. Yes, you know sometimes there are bumps in 369 00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 2: the road, but you know that the road is always 370 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,720 Speaker 2: going to be there, and you know that the road 371 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:16,639 Speaker 2: will continue on with love bumming, you might not know. 372 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:21,280 Speaker 2: Underneath the bright, brilliant feelings is often a twinge of 373 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:25,760 Speaker 2: anxiety and worry. Most people call that intuition, but we 374 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,920 Speaker 2: can confuse it with passion. Anxiety and excitement are very 375 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:35,320 Speaker 2: similar on a physical level. In both situations, our heart 376 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:39,280 Speaker 2: beats faster, our cortisol seurges, our body is prepared for action. 377 00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:44,080 Speaker 2: Everything feels a bit tingly. It's how we interpret that emotion, 378 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:48,760 Speaker 2: our cognitions, and our perceptions that determine what we see 379 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,840 Speaker 2: it as. It is very easy to ignore our gut 380 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:54,879 Speaker 2: feeling about a situation when it just feels so sweet 381 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,560 Speaker 2: and good. But I think, as the saying goes, if 382 00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,679 Speaker 2: it feels too good to be true, maybe it is, 383 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:04,200 Speaker 2: and may is valuable to interrogate the origin of that feeling. 384 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:10,720 Speaker 2: Another distinction idealization and promises. Someone who has good intentions 385 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:15,560 Speaker 2: won't overpromise, they won't make commitments they can't keep not 386 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:18,840 Speaker 2: just because they don't want to disappoint you because but 387 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,800 Speaker 2: also because they also want to be sure themselves. They 388 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,879 Speaker 2: don't want to get caught up. That's really mature and 389 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:29,560 Speaker 2: it shows respect and a natural level of caution. On 390 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:31,720 Speaker 2: the other hand, love bombers are not going to hold 391 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,600 Speaker 2: back marriage next month. Let's do it. Should we move 392 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:38,280 Speaker 2: in together? Yes? Absolutely either love of my life. Yes, 393 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 2: no doubts about it. We've only known each other for 394 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,680 Speaker 2: a week. I still know you get the picture. It's 395 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:48,800 Speaker 2: incredibly grandiose. And another factor which in which these kind 396 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,040 Speaker 2: of relationship types, I don't know whether to call it, 397 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,800 Speaker 2: that in which love and love bumbing differs is power, 398 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:59,119 Speaker 2: is power, isolation and control. It is my belief that 399 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 2: healthy love isn't just sustained by what happens between you two, 400 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,760 Speaker 2: but also what you allow are allowed to pursue beyond 401 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:11,760 Speaker 2: the relationship. It's sustained by the things that exist outside 402 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,560 Speaker 2: of your kind of union. You have your own friends, 403 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:17,440 Speaker 2: you have your own interests in lives. But with love bombing, 404 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:21,639 Speaker 2: the relationship is all consuming. It is the center of 405 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:25,920 Speaker 2: your universe. If this is sounding very similar to codependency, 406 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,280 Speaker 2: that is because it is there is this very similar 407 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:34,040 Speaker 2: concept when we talk about codependency called affection flooding. And 408 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:37,680 Speaker 2: I heard about this from a podcast called Relationships Made Easy, 409 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,640 Speaker 2: and the host talks about how affection flooding occurs when 410 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:46,200 Speaker 2: a codependent person is engulfing their partner with an avalanche 411 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:50,040 Speaker 2: of affection and attention driven by their deep seated need 412 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:53,879 Speaker 2: for validation and external affirmation. It is very similar to 413 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,840 Speaker 2: love bombing, and the outcome in both situations is that 414 00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:00,880 Speaker 2: you do become almost conjoined or attached to your partner. 415 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:06,119 Speaker 2: Everything becomes, you know, just them. All thoughts lead back 416 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:10,280 Speaker 2: to them, All actions or behavior or choices lead back 417 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 2: to them. I want to quickly stipulate I don't blame 418 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:17,040 Speaker 2: anybody who has ever been love bummed and stayed, because 419 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:21,440 Speaker 2: it would be so hard to turn down, especially, as 420 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,399 Speaker 2: I said before, if you've gone through a number of 421 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:28,240 Speaker 2: situations or relationships in which all you ever wanted, what 422 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:32,080 Speaker 2: you know, was exactly what this person is now giving 423 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:39,000 Speaker 2: you commitment, excitement, generosity, love. It's even harder when our 424 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:42,360 Speaker 2: sense of self or our self esteem has already been 425 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:46,000 Speaker 2: diminished by a previous situation that has just made us 426 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:50,440 Speaker 2: feel really undeserving or unlovable this person, you know, when 427 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,959 Speaker 2: they come along and they have all these grand gestures, 428 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,639 Speaker 2: they can seem like our white knight. But here are 429 00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,719 Speaker 2: a series of very important questions to help you discern 430 00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:04,560 Speaker 2: whether that is love or love bumming. How does the 431 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:08,720 Speaker 2: pace of the relationship make you feel? And where do 432 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,200 Speaker 2: you feel these feelings in your stomach, in your heart, 433 00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,720 Speaker 2: in your body? Is there a difference between what you're 434 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:19,600 Speaker 2: feeling and a similar feeling of anxiety? Are you feeling 435 00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:25,760 Speaker 2: stable and sure and confident or excited and bubbly and 436 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:30,479 Speaker 2: perhaps anxious? If you went away for a month and 437 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:35,040 Speaker 2: came back, would the relationship change? Would you be worried 438 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:38,760 Speaker 2: about the passion fading? What do you have in common? 439 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,400 Speaker 2: Do you have shared interests? Do you have shared values? 440 00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:47,959 Speaker 2: Is there a genuine foundation to your relationship? Does it 441 00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,680 Speaker 2: feel like there won't be a future if the future 442 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:56,040 Speaker 2: doesn't happen now, if you slowed everything down, would they 443 00:27:56,119 --> 00:28:00,479 Speaker 2: still be there? And finally, is your life still yours? 444 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:05,120 Speaker 2: Or is your life your relationship? Is your relationship and 445 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:10,040 Speaker 2: your attachment to this person taking over? These questions are 446 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:13,040 Speaker 2: important because they give us a chance to pause and 447 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:17,080 Speaker 2: really assess. You know what we are experiencing based on 448 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,479 Speaker 2: what we have established other distinctions between love and love bombing. 449 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:22,440 Speaker 2: It kind of gives us a bit of a brief 450 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:26,040 Speaker 2: time out to switch on that critical thinking and logical 451 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:30,119 Speaker 2: part of our brain and just explore whether this is 452 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:33,720 Speaker 2: all too good to be true or made to last 453 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,920 Speaker 2: if it all keeps coming back to that one explanation 454 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:40,560 Speaker 2: only this is love bombing. There are a few things 455 00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:44,959 Speaker 2: that we can do. Firstly, I get wanting to just 456 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:47,479 Speaker 2: like wait it out and see if things change, because 457 00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:49,480 Speaker 2: it's really hard to not want to bathe in that 458 00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:53,440 Speaker 2: goal of feeling really wanted and feeling really loved. But 459 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,080 Speaker 2: I want you to remember the more time you stay 460 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:59,400 Speaker 2: is time that you will continue to feel connected to 461 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:03,240 Speaker 2: this person. The feel good feelings are kind of the poison. 462 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:06,960 Speaker 2: They're the weapon in this situation. They are a manipulation strategy, 463 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,880 Speaker 2: and it's the thing that will keep you attached. Even 464 00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,920 Speaker 2: if you think that you can keep some emotional distance. 465 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:18,040 Speaker 2: Sometimes we just don't have as much control as we think, 466 00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:20,400 Speaker 2: and so the best thing to do is to kind 467 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:25,000 Speaker 2: of firstly pull back and check their reaction and practice 468 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:28,280 Speaker 2: setting some boundaries. You know, just say to them, I'm sorry, 469 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:30,960 Speaker 2: I can't see you this weekend. Please don't send me 470 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:34,200 Speaker 2: gifts at work. Please don't show up n announced. Set 471 00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:38,040 Speaker 2: a boundary and see how they respond. If they get 472 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:44,600 Speaker 2: incredibly aggressive or defensive or upset, I think that's a 473 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:47,640 Speaker 2: pretty clear sign that what's happening right here is something 474 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:51,040 Speaker 2: that is going to eventually turn into something much worse. 475 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:55,800 Speaker 2: If you find that this person is not responsive or 476 00:29:55,840 --> 00:30:01,280 Speaker 2: respectful of your boundaries, get out, get out of that situation. 477 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:05,360 Speaker 2: Remember those three phases that we spoke about before. Yeah, 478 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:09,080 Speaker 2: I think the second and the third stage is really 479 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:12,360 Speaker 2: where once they have their claws in you, they know 480 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:16,000 Speaker 2: they know what they have, and it becomes really hard 481 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:22,120 Speaker 2: for you to leave psychologically, emotionally, socially, physically, it becomes 482 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:25,400 Speaker 2: so much harder because they do have the control. So 483 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:28,640 Speaker 2: I do just really want to remind you. Firstly, it's 484 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:30,760 Speaker 2: not your fault. If that is something that you are 485 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,400 Speaker 2: going through right now. It is only natural that you 486 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:37,280 Speaker 2: felt really compelled and attracted to this person. But please 487 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:45,240 Speaker 2: don't confuse chemistry with compatibility. Chemistry will have you feeling amazing, 488 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:50,000 Speaker 2: but it's short lived. Compatibility is a slow burn, it 489 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,720 Speaker 2: is an alignment. It is a bond that grows over time. 490 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:57,360 Speaker 2: It has shared values, it has shared experiences, and it's 491 00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:02,200 Speaker 2: real and love bombing is artificial. So just a reminder 492 00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:06,320 Speaker 2: that what feels good now is not going to feel 493 00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:10,040 Speaker 2: as amazing in three months or six months, and you 494 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,720 Speaker 2: could have had that time to really resettle into yourself 495 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:16,560 Speaker 2: and find somebody who yeah, will do all the really 496 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:19,920 Speaker 2: nice things, but will also be committed to staying and 497 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:22,240 Speaker 2: staying because they love you and care about you, not 498 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:25,640 Speaker 2: because they want to control you. So I hope that 499 00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:28,520 Speaker 2: you have at least learned something from this episode. You've 500 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:31,760 Speaker 2: taken something away. Thank you for listening, Thank you for 501 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,880 Speaker 2: coming along for the journey. If there is somebody in 502 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:38,400 Speaker 2: your life who you think might benefit from hearing this episode, 503 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,200 Speaker 2: please feel free to share it with them. It also 504 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:44,600 Speaker 2: allows us to reach new ears, reach new people. Make 505 00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:47,239 Speaker 2: sure that you are following along and if you want to, 506 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:49,400 Speaker 2: it only takes a couple of seconds to leave us 507 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:52,360 Speaker 2: five stars. It really makes my day. If you want 508 00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:54,480 Speaker 2: to leave a review as well, I read them all 509 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,760 Speaker 2: and they are quite special to me. So thank you 510 00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:01,719 Speaker 2: so much for Yeah. I would love to hear from 511 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:03,840 Speaker 2: you as well, if you have anything else you want 512 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:06,800 Speaker 2: to contribute to this episode. If you have an episode suggestion, 513 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:11,000 Speaker 2: we are always open to hearing feedback, to hearing ideas 514 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:13,640 Speaker 2: topics that you want us to explore. So make sure 515 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:16,680 Speaker 2: that you are following me at that psychology podcast or 516 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,280 Speaker 2: you want to see behind the scenes, you can follow 517 00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 2: me at jemisbeg and until next time, be safe, be kind, 518 00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:27,040 Speaker 2: be gentle to yourself, and we will talk soon.