Speaker 1: In case you're just recently joining us, or however long
Speaker 1: you've been a listener of the show, you may not
Speaker 1: realize that we have years of incredible episodes in our archives.
Speaker 1: We've had so many wonderful guests that we've decided to
Speaker 1: hand pick one of our favorites that might be new
Speaker 1: to you, but if not, it is definitely worth another listen.
Speaker 1: We hope you'll enjoy this episode with Lauren Zander. No
Speaker 1: matter what you were put into, the belief that it's
Speaker 1: meant to be and what you do with it is yours.
Speaker 1: You can do anything with your life story. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the one you feed throughout time. Great tinkers have recognized
Speaker 1: the importance of the thoughts we have, quotes like garbage in,
Speaker 1: garbage out, or you are what you think, ring true,
Speaker 1: And yet for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen
Speaker 1: or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self pity, ellsee
Speaker 1: or fear. We see what we don't have instead of
Speaker 1: what we do. We think things that hold us back
Speaker 1: and dampen our spirit. But it's not just about thinking.
Speaker 1: Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent and creative effort
Speaker 1: to make a life worth living. This podcast is about
Speaker 1: how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction,
Speaker 1: how they feed their good wolf. Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 1: Our guest on this episode is Lauren Xander, a life coach,
Speaker 1: university lecturer, public speaker, and co founder and chairwoman of
Speaker 1: the Handel Group. Her book is Maybe It's You Cut
Speaker 1: the Crap Face Your Fears, Love Your Life. Hi, Lauren,
Speaker 1: welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. It
Speaker 1: is a pleasure to have you on. Your book is
Speaker 1: called Maybe It's You Cut the Crap Face Your Fears,
Speaker 1: Love Your Life, and in it you sort of lay
Speaker 1: out your coaching method that you've used for years and
Speaker 1: years and years with people. So we're going to get
Speaker 1: into a lot of detail about that in a moment,
Speaker 1: but let's start like we always do with the parable.
Speaker 1: There is a grandmother who's talking to her grandson. She says,
Speaker 1: in life, there are two wolves inside of us that
Speaker 1: are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which
Speaker 1: represents things like bravery and kindness and love, and the
Speaker 1: other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed
Speaker 1: and hatred and fear. And the grandson stops, thinks about
Speaker 1: it for a second, and then he looks up. But
Speaker 1: his grandfather said, well, grandfather, which one wins? And the
Speaker 1: grandfather says, the one you feed. So I'd like to
Speaker 1: start off by asking you what that parable means to
Speaker 1: you in your life and in the work that you do. Wow. Well,
Speaker 1: I would say that the word work that I do
Speaker 1: addresses dark and light, like your dark side and your
Speaker 1: light side. And I would say that I get along
Speaker 1: with that parable very well because I support people in
Speaker 1: the concept of choice, and so that whole entire parable
Speaker 1: is about the choice of what you feed. And so
Speaker 1: I think that's um. And then I obviously in my
Speaker 1: work help people, UM pick light not dark. So I
Speaker 1: would go dark, you know, bad good, and really making
Speaker 1: those decisions consciously. So I love that. Yeah, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: you're exactly right. That is the heart of the whole thing.
Speaker 1: So let's start with the title, maybe it's you. Tell
Speaker 1: me about why you titled your book Maybe it's you.
Speaker 1: And again there's a there's a subtitle, but let's just
Speaker 1: stick with the main title. So that is a tagline,
Speaker 1: and it's you know, maybe it's me, right, So, and
Speaker 1: that tagline change my life every time and always does
Speaker 1: anything that's not working and it's my life. The joke
Speaker 1: I make is, uh, maybe it's me and and then
Speaker 1: and then when I get it, I cross out the
Speaker 1: maybe right. And so it's been this joke of the
Speaker 1: entire method, like that's the that principle built the whole
Speaker 1: method right for all of us, right, and then it
Speaker 1: doesn't make anybody really you know better than anybody. It
Speaker 1: just it's like, how well can you confront that anything
Speaker 1: that's going on in your life is because of you? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I agree, I mean I love that idea that you know,
Speaker 1: maybe it's you and then you cross out the maybe right.
Speaker 1: I think that my first experience of that was I
Speaker 1: got sober from a heroin addiction at twenty four, and
Speaker 1: you know, it just became so clear that like it
Speaker 1: was all me, and that principle has served me so
Speaker 1: well in my life. And I think it's so critical
Speaker 1: to anybody who wants to make a change, even if
Speaker 1: like what you're dealing with is that you were really
Speaker 1: harmed in a bad way, if you were abused, or
Speaker 1: you you know, have trauma, at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: it's still us that has to be responsible for our
Speaker 1: own healing, and if we don't do it, nobody does. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, you could say in a good conscience,
Speaker 1: like I don't really think I picked my parents right,
Speaker 1: Like I don't know if I was really there right,
Speaker 1: like who was there at the picking right? And where
Speaker 1: I was born and you know, and what my circumstances
Speaker 1: into life were that I was just basically forced into.
Speaker 1: And so but no matter what you were put into,
Speaker 1: the belief that it's meant to be and what you
Speaker 1: do with it is yours. You can do anything with
Speaker 1: your life story. And I'm sorry you know of whatever
Speaker 1: you may have been born into. No, you know, it's
Speaker 1: pretty much a ship show, right. A lot of this
Speaker 1: world needs a lot of work, and so we are
Speaker 1: the workers, right, and so heading right into maybe it's
Speaker 1: me and you dealing with nobody's getting you out of
Speaker 1: here except you. And by the way, you got yourself here,
Speaker 1: you really did right, No matter who you're pointing at
Speaker 1: or what drug you're pointing at, right, that was that
Speaker 1: was your hand right right right? Yep yep. And so
Speaker 1: you say, I'm just gonna read something you wrote because
Speaker 1: I like it. You say, the gap between who you are,
Speaker 1: your current state, and the dream of who you want
Speaker 1: to be and all that you want to accomplish. Your
Speaker 1: desired state is wide. It's width depends on how willing
Speaker 1: you are to get conscious about what you are currently
Speaker 1: not conscious. Tell me a little bit more about what
Speaker 1: you're trying to say. It's kind of obvious, but i'd
Speaker 1: like you just to, you know, elaborate a little bit.
Speaker 1: The premise goes right after that, what you're saying to
Speaker 1: yourself and how you're relating to absolutely everything in your
Speaker 1: life and if is the only access to building a life.
Speaker 1: But if you can't face what's right there right now
Speaker 1: and how you're talking about everything, men and women, business, money, sex, drugs,
Speaker 1: rock and roll, like, whatever you're saying, and how you're
Speaker 1: saying it and how you're thinking about it. If you
Speaker 1: can't hear it all, you can't replace any of it. Right,
Speaker 1: If you really think it's out there, it's not even happening.
Speaker 1: You don't even know it's you. Right, So the the
Speaker 1: amount that's possible to dream and build has to start
Speaker 1: with where you are right now, right and wherever you
Speaker 1: are right now. Oh, you may or may not be
Speaker 1: a present to it, but as president as you're willing
Speaker 1: to get is the only way to take it over, right,
Speaker 1: And we're going to get into inner dialogue a lot
Speaker 1: here in a moment, because it's kind of the whole game, right,
Speaker 1: and that in action it gets in the whole game, right. Yeah. Um,
Speaker 1: but I'd like to start off by having you tell
Speaker 1: us the story about how you sort of had your
Speaker 1: first sort of big change. You know, it's a story
Speaker 1: about about birds, but I was wondering if you could
Speaker 1: tell a se story. So I did an epic thing,
Speaker 1: which is I saved a bunch of money and I
Speaker 1: traveled alone. And I had never been alone. I was
Speaker 1: nineteen years so I've never been alone, right, with no plan,
Speaker 1: no have to go, and not that much money and
Speaker 1: a backpack, and I went and stayed at a kablitz
Speaker 1: in Israel and basically no one new English. So I
Speaker 1: was really alone, which was really healthy for me at
Speaker 1: that time, because I got utterly stuck with myself and
Speaker 1: my new and like I had like five tape cassettes.
Speaker 1: Yes they were tape cassettes, people, I'm that old, And
Speaker 1: and I just had my time and I read books
Speaker 1: and I had to deal with myself. And then I
Speaker 1: had this epic, real interesting moment and I was going
Speaker 1: very spiritual at that time. I haven't come back, like,
Speaker 1: I'm still out there on the spirituality lane. But this
Speaker 1: is when it started deeply for me, was around this story.
Speaker 1: Um so a little voice in my head said, look
Speaker 1: in the bushes. Now you have to understand, all I
Speaker 1: had was my own entertainment system, right like, So I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: look in the bushes, right like who said that? And
Speaker 1: I even giggled to myself, like who said that? Look
Speaker 1: in the bushes? And they're literally literally there are two
Speaker 1: little baby birds, like, and I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: save the birds, right Like what do I do? What
Speaker 1: do I do? Like there're two little baby birds, they
Speaker 1: have their feathers, but they can't get anywhere, and there's
Speaker 1: no nast there's no mom, Like what the hell is
Speaker 1: going on here? And so I panic and I was
Speaker 1: working in the kitchen at the Kibbutz and I run back.
Speaker 1: And then there weren't many people who knew English anyway.
Speaker 1: So the one guy that did know English, oddly enough,
Speaker 1: was someone that I was, you know, like I wasn't
Speaker 1: really a coach at all yet, but I knew his
Speaker 1: whole life story and he was in an affair for
Speaker 1: eleven years and wasn't changing his life, and we used
Speaker 1: to fight about him not going after anything. And so
Speaker 1: I run up to him and I'm like, there's two
Speaker 1: and I try to explain it to him and go
Speaker 1: what should I do? And he's like looks at me,
Speaker 1: like me right, you pain in the ass, Lauren, right,
Speaker 1: same as it ever was, you know, leave them alone.
Speaker 1: It's nature, right, like just leave it, Like why do
Speaker 1: you have to fix this? And I'm like, right, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe he's right. I don't know what to do anyway,
Speaker 1: And it was cs dettenpt So I'm like going to
Speaker 1: take a nap. I couldn't sleep as many of you
Speaker 1: could have, Bradrick. So I run back to save the
Speaker 1: birds because I'd rather save them or do something. And
Speaker 1: I came back. One was gone, one was dead right,
Speaker 1: And in that moment, I was really devastated and moved
Speaker 1: and upset and kind of like in my head and
Speaker 1: made a vow that that wow, I could have saved
Speaker 1: them or done something, like I gave up my moment,
Speaker 1: like that was my moment. I could have done something.
Speaker 1: And I went and checked with someone else, and I
Speaker 1: didn't check with someone I even respect right, and he
Speaker 1: gave me the wrong advice. So in that moment, I
Speaker 1: swore that for the rest of my life, if I
Speaker 1: could do something, I will like I. Well, that's the
Speaker 1: point of being human is I could have changed that. Right.
Speaker 1: What a gift, what a wow? You asked for a
Speaker 1: long story. I know, I did. I did. It's a
Speaker 1: good story. It's a great story. Um. And then I
Speaker 1: literally I took that literally and UM, I went back
Speaker 1: into my life and changed my entire life out of
Speaker 1: that story because there was so many things I was witnessing,
Speaker 1: like girlfriends cheating on boyfriends and things not being said
Speaker 1: and people surviving being liars all around me, and it
Speaker 1: just made sense to me before the trip. And then
Speaker 1: when I got home, I was like, this is not okay,
Speaker 1: none of it. And I became a little bit of
Speaker 1: a crazy evangelist blowing ship up, which I don't recommend.
Speaker 1: I've come a long way since my nineteen year old self,
Speaker 1: but it was epic and it was very meaningful and
Speaker 1: spiritual to me. There's nothing like the zeal of a
Speaker 1: person who has found a path that helps them. I
Speaker 1: can relate. I can relate, and incidentally, as you and
Speaker 1: I talked about before we started. We are the same age,
Speaker 1: so I'm very familiar with cassette tapes and UH had
Speaker 1: a lot of them. I want to read another short
Speaker 1: thing you said. It's going to lead us into another
Speaker 1: big part of the conversation. You say, much of whatever
Speaker 1: is plague into person is located in their inner dialogue.
Speaker 1: So so let's talk briefly about that, and then I
Speaker 1: kind of want to talk about three of the voices
Speaker 1: in our inner dialogue that you have identified, So the
Speaker 1: plague and our inner dialogue. So there is exactly how
Speaker 1: a person talks to themselves, look at looks out in
Speaker 1: the world, sees the world, cares about, what they care about,
Speaker 1: what people think about them, what they can say, what
Speaker 1: they can't say, what they're trying to get how there.
Speaker 1: So there's a strategist in that head of yours, and
Speaker 1: that's what I go after throughout my entire book. And
Speaker 1: I really just I'm trying to take over, like I'm
Speaker 1: getting a human to wake up to their inner dialogue
Speaker 1: and how much their inner dialogue they think is the
Speaker 1: truth about them, right right? They think it is them.
Speaker 1: You would never not wonder about what it's saying, and
Speaker 1: most people don't even really hear it let alone. If
Speaker 1: you had to admit what it just said, you'd be horrified, right, Like,
Speaker 1: you would not go public with your inner dialogue, right
Speaker 1: and then you would have. And then that's where I
Speaker 1: start at, waking you up to what where did those
Speaker 1: voices come from? Why are you even looking out at
Speaker 1: women that way, at life, that way, at yourself that way?
Speaker 1: Like that's the beginning of untangling what people aren't conscious to,
Speaker 1: even though it's utterly happening every second, right right. It's
Speaker 1: amazing that it can be happening all the time and
Speaker 1: we can be so identified with it and at the
Speaker 1: same time not really hear it or be conscious of it.
Speaker 1: It's it's very strange phenomenon that happens, you know, because
Speaker 1: and what's happening is by not by not hearing it
Speaker 1: and knowing what it's saying, it's still affecting us, you know.
Speaker 1: I think for me that was a pivotal moment in
Speaker 1: life when when I all of a sudden went, wait
Speaker 1: a second. That voice that's always talking that I assume
Speaker 1: is me is just a voice that's always talking, and
Speaker 1: it's not necessarily true and it's not necessarily me and
Speaker 1: that that alone is such a huge revelation because all
Speaker 1: of a sudden you go wow, and then we start
Speaker 1: looking at like, well boy, it just never shuts up,
Speaker 1: and it says the same boring and stupid and negative
Speaker 1: things tho times. According to science, for real, over of
Speaker 1: our thoughts are negative and repeat from the day before,
Speaker 1: Like we're not having new thoughts. We don't even know
Speaker 1: that we are repeating, like we're like, God, these people
Speaker 1: suck when you drive, or God is always this way?
Speaker 1: Or God it like did you know my wife? My
Speaker 1: that like you really think you're discovering the same thing
Speaker 1: every day versus you're paying attention and repeating yourself to
Speaker 1: yourself every day. Yeah. I liked a joke like if
Speaker 1: I had a friend who was is boring, repetitive and
Speaker 1: negative is the voice in my head? We would hang
Speaker 1: out exactly one time and that would be it. I
Speaker 1: would be like, never again, Right, I overstand, Yes, I
Speaker 1: I can overstand. I like that you identify a few
Speaker 1: voices in our head and I'm just gonna read with
Speaker 1: the three of them are that you identify, and then
Speaker 1: we can talk about them. You talk about the chicken,
Speaker 1: the brat, and the weather reporter. So let's let's start
Speaker 1: with the chicken. One of my most favorite things, which
Speaker 1: is the only way to truly identify your inner dialogue,
Speaker 1: is to get a sense of humor. Really need a
Speaker 1: sense of humor, because going in is really fun like
Speaker 1: yucky and ugly and funny and twisted, and you really
Speaker 1: wouldn't say that out loud, right, Like you really wouldn't, right,
Speaker 1: but you do to yourself, right, and then you turn
Speaker 1: it out and you don't even hear it, right, So
Speaker 1: going in there, you need a sense of humor, and
Speaker 1: so for me, I did, and it really works on
Speaker 1: all of us. Which is the voice of the chicken
Speaker 1: is how you you know the squatters, the inner squatters
Speaker 1: that are warning you at all times, you know, and
Speaker 1: strategizing how to say something, how to not hurt someone's feelings,
Speaker 1: how to how to not do something because you really
Speaker 1: might fail, Like you know yourself so well, you just
Speaker 1: are this way and you've never been good at that,
Speaker 1: and you don't like trying that, and you know the
Speaker 1: time you tried that once it didn't work. So it's
Speaker 1: incredibly protective. A strategist and always wants to keep you safe,
Speaker 1: as if that's warm and fuzzy. And then the chicken
Speaker 1: you know won't ask the girl out, won't talk about
Speaker 1: a promotion, won't say what someone you know did that
Speaker 1: upset you. Will you know, it's just shoving everything down
Speaker 1: or you know, gossiping. You know. It has many ways
Speaker 1: of dealing with its fear, but it traps so much
Speaker 1: of an individual into what they think they know about
Speaker 1: themselves and who they think they are. Yeah, bock bock
Speaker 1: bock bock bark and the brat, Oh well, this one
Speaker 1: I especially needed to address. I'm much less of a
Speaker 1: chicken and way more of a brat. So the brat.
Speaker 1: You know, I'll do it tomorrow. You can't make me.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to. I don't like that. I never
Speaker 1: did like. I don't owe you anything. It's not my fault,
Speaker 1: you know, any form of I'll do it tomorrow, procrastinating,
Speaker 1: you know, an entitlement, jealousy, you know, lots of dark
Speaker 1: ways of holding in, being mad, right, being being lazy.
Speaker 1: It's its own little scene and a half and voice
Speaker 1: in there and definitely critical right yep. I want what
Speaker 1: I want and I want it now, and oh my god,
Speaker 1: do you see what you did? Right, It's definitely comes
Speaker 1: back to your child like it definitely has never gone
Speaker 1: away since your childhood, except for your ability to stuff
Speaker 1: it and pretend it's mature that it needs a cookie
Speaker 1: at ten o'clock at night, right to you know, or
Speaker 1: a drink now. It needs a drink right now, and
Speaker 1: it doesn't need just one, it needs three. Right. It's
Speaker 1: definitely anyone who's struggling with their weight, that's not chicken,
Speaker 1: that it's brat. Anyone who's struggling in their career that's
Speaker 1: usually way more chicken, not brat. Right. So there there
Speaker 1: really are where they reside throughout the you know, your life,
Speaker 1: in different areas of your life, and figuring out how
Speaker 1: they're ruling you is an amazing way to take over
Speaker 1: your inner dialogue because all you have to do is
Speaker 1: really listen for the voice. Then there's the weather reporter.
Speaker 1: So the weather reporter is um a bit like are
Speaker 1: a bigger concept, right, It's oh, it's a narrative in
Speaker 1: that head of yours, but it's what generalizes I've never
Speaker 1: been good at that. I've always been this way. I'm
Speaker 1: an introvert, right, and you know, so it has sweeping
Speaker 1: generalizations about your personality, about the world, and about life itself.
Speaker 1: But it speaks it like a weather reporter. A weather reporter,
Speaker 1: it's not your fault, right, the weather report of it change,
Speaker 1: like it said it was going to be sunny and
Speaker 1: it's rains. They did the best they could, right, So
Speaker 1: a weather reporter is always doing the best they can
Speaker 1: at telling the truth about how it is, except what
Speaker 1: it's talking about. They were like, you relate to like
Speaker 1: it's a fact, like I've always been this way, I
Speaker 1: need this. I've never been good at dieting, right, And
Speaker 1: then it never looks at the moment to moment choices
Speaker 1: that you're making because you've never been good at that.
Speaker 1: But if I could give you ten grand, if you
Speaker 1: kept your diet every day right, all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: being on a diet would be fun. Right. So when
Speaker 1: how you test a weather report is if I could,
Speaker 1: if you can change it, like really, you have power
Speaker 1: to change it. But if you have no power to
Speaker 1: change something, it's like, can you make it rain? Right now?
Speaker 1: The answer is no. Can you make yourself an extrovert? Ready?
Speaker 1: Everybody answer is yes? So it's a lie that you're
Speaker 1: telling yourself, because it's not a weather report, except your
Speaker 1: weather reporting about many areas of your life where you're
Speaker 1: generalizing like you know yourself, but it's not true. So
Speaker 1: I think it's interesting what you said. They're about the
Speaker 1: money test, right, which is you know, a way to
Speaker 1: tell is to ask yourself if if somebody gave me,
Speaker 1: you know, ten thousand dollars or five thousand dollars today
Speaker 1: to do this and that, would I do it? And
Speaker 1: and if the answer is yes, I would, and you
Speaker 1: jump right up and you're ready to do it, it
Speaker 1: shows it's something that you are able to control. It's
Speaker 1: a lie, right, Like it's the person that goes, I'm
Speaker 1: not a morning person and so therefore I can't get
Speaker 1: out of bed and exercise early or meditate. I'm never
Speaker 1: good at this or that. So there's the sweeping generalization
Speaker 1: that the person repeats and repeats and repeats. But I
Speaker 1: could bait you out of it, right, I could. I
Speaker 1: could get you out of it with a good prize. Yeah, right,
Speaker 1: Which means if it can change in an hour, what
Speaker 1: you have your case about that you can't change is
Speaker 1: so suspicious, which so empowering. Yep. And so this sort
Speaker 1: of leads into the idea of beliefs and theories. So
Speaker 1: let's talk briefly about what what beliefs and theories are
Speaker 1: and how they play into this whole inner dialogue thing.
Speaker 1: So how I break it out is, I'm like, you
Speaker 1: have an inner dialogue, and your inner dialogue can get
Speaker 1: put into these big buckets of chicken brad negative. Inner
Speaker 1: dialogue can be put into buckets of chicken brat and
Speaker 1: weather reporter. But if you're like, well, what's making my
Speaker 1: chicken different than your chicken or my brad different and
Speaker 1: then your brat, you would go to the next column,
Speaker 1: right one before that one, and it would talk about
Speaker 1: it has three things in it. It has your lineage,
Speaker 1: your heritage, Like that's everything where you came from what
Speaker 1: I call your epies, your epigenetics, like how your parents
Speaker 1: and like how your culture totally influenced how your chicken
Speaker 1: bad or weather reporter, and how you're conducting your personality.
Speaker 1: But the other two areas are your beliefs and your
Speaker 1: theories about life are conducting all of your inner dialogue
Speaker 1: in a macro way. And so how beliefs form and
Speaker 1: theories form, they also form from your family and how
Speaker 1: you were raised or reactions to that. But once you
Speaker 1: have a belief or a theory, um, they're informing you
Speaker 1: at all times. So the belief I'm I'm not athletic,
Speaker 1: I never have been, it becomes pervasive as a belief.
Speaker 1: A belief is something that you just believe to be true,
Speaker 1: like you accepted it. It's it's like hardcore fact about life.
Speaker 1: It doesn't need proof anymore. It just is true. I
Speaker 1: love you, Right, I am great at this. Right. It
Speaker 1: doesn't really go into question. You don't question it. You know,
Speaker 1: you're not wondering about it. It's yours and you think
Speaker 1: you possess it. A theory is different because it's something
Speaker 1: you're speculating that you believe, like it's turning into a belief.
Speaker 1: It's becoming something, but it's strung together. When I was
Speaker 1: a kid, I was really good at this, and then
Speaker 1: I did it later and then this happened, so therefore right,
Speaker 1: So the theory is a is a much longer. Over time,
Speaker 1: you've come to know something about yourself and you speculate
Speaker 1: that it's true, so you're proving it and it's informing
Speaker 1: your chicken Bratton weather Porte and also what's going well
Speaker 1: in your life? Right? Mostly I'm just focusing on how
Speaker 1: people can get access to what's you know, what's negative.
Speaker 1: But you know, there's also lots of good things you're
Speaker 1: saying to yourself that I wouldn't change. Now, keep that belief, no,
Speaker 1: keep that theory. But the premise goes that you're conducting
Speaker 1: all of them, and if you can figure out what
Speaker 1: they are, you can really change them. And there's a
Speaker 1: question you you write in the book that I think
Speaker 1: is a very interesting question. And I often think about this, which,
Speaker 1: as you say, which comes first the theory, belief or
Speaker 1: the evidence of that theory or belief, And and most
Speaker 1: of us would say, without thinking about it, well, the
Speaker 1: evidence is it comes first. I base my theory on evidence,
Speaker 1: and then, like you said, it turns into a belief.
Speaker 1: But but let's talk about when that's not true. Once
Speaker 1: a person has an incident, a moment in their life,
Speaker 1: and I do study, I make people work on their
Speaker 1: haunting memories, because you're haunting memories create beliefs and theories.
Speaker 1: They could be positive or negative. But obviously, again I
Speaker 1: go after what's negative because that's what's stopping us, right,
Speaker 1: But so so you have a theory or a belief,
Speaker 1: but what's really happening is you know your mother's not home,
Speaker 1: and you come up with she if she loved me,
Speaker 1: she'd have been home by now, right, And then the
Speaker 1: minute your mother walks in it's eight minutes late. You're like, see,
Speaker 1: so I really am Like something can happen. But your
Speaker 1: ability to make what happened into a theory or a
Speaker 1: belief is epic. Right, And then you came up with
Speaker 1: it and then proved it and there or if that's true,
Speaker 1: and then it becomes even more and more true in
Speaker 1: that relationship with your mother or your career, right, good
Speaker 1: or bad. It goes to show you that if you
Speaker 1: actually have any theory, you can make anything happen. Right,
Speaker 1: You're just making some ship happen. You're making good ones,
Speaker 1: bad ones, anyone's happen. But it's more the arc type
Speaker 1: of it that's brilliant. Right. We talk a lot on
Speaker 1: this show about how you know all this stuff? Are
Speaker 1: there just stories by and large? Right? I mean there
Speaker 1: are nuggets of a fact in there if it's an
Speaker 1: observable like oh I saw that person walk out the
Speaker 1: door at seven pm. Okay. Faction why they did it
Speaker 1: and what it means about me and means to me
Speaker 1: all made up and how they left and what you know,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's how much? How much is interpretation
Speaker 1: and invented? Right? And you know, I love an idea
Speaker 1: that um is a belief or a thought instead of
Speaker 1: thinking is it right or is it wrong? Is it useful? Right?
Speaker 1: That's the measuring stick because you're making it up? So
Speaker 1: why if we are making a lot of it up,
Speaker 1: not make it up in a way that empowers and
Speaker 1: strengthens us. Yeah, And that what arises in your mind
Speaker 1: is a is like a word or like until you
Speaker 1: consent to what arose, right, It's it's a lot like
Speaker 1: a radio station. Right. You're like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: hear that song. Right. That was one of my jokes
Speaker 1: early in my career was like, I think my love
Speaker 1: life is playing one long bad led Zeppelin song. Dude now, right,
Speaker 1: Like I was like, this is so melandramatic, Lauren, Right,
Speaker 1: you do need a cigarette? Right, Like this ship is bad? Right?
Speaker 1: And and so it was like and it would it
Speaker 1: would arise and I had, you know, as if I
Speaker 1: had nothing to do with what I was thinking about
Speaker 1: or who I was chasing or dating or not calling
Speaker 1: back or I couldn't help it, right, not true. Let's
Speaker 1: talk a little bit about working with our thoughts. And
Speaker 1: there's something that you say that I think is interesting
Speaker 1: and I want to have you explained it before I
Speaker 1: start to potentially disagree with it. Um, you talk about
Speaker 1: five basic steps to reclaim your mind, right, you observe it,
Speaker 1: you name it, and then the last one is you
Speaker 1: stop it. And so talk to me about the stopping it,
Speaker 1: because anybody who sat down to meditate for a little
Speaker 1: while realizes you're not stopping the thoughts coming, right, You're
Speaker 1: not even generating them, they're just showing up. So talk
Speaker 1: to me what you mean by stop it in regards
Speaker 1: to a thought pattern. So, first of all, I do
Speaker 1: believe you can take over your narrative and manage having
Speaker 1: thoughts arise, because you change your whole life, right, So
Speaker 1: I do think you can take over way more than
Speaker 1: just getting a grip on what you're doing, fixing what
Speaker 1: you're doing, breaking in there, and changing what you have
Speaker 1: into what you wish. It was, the most important thing
Speaker 1: I care about is that a person has their vision
Speaker 1: and their dream in all areas of their life. You
Speaker 1: have to know what you're working towards, because that utterly
Speaker 1: interrupts and shows you the gap between you know, what
Speaker 1: you need to be saying in that head of yours
Speaker 1: versus what you are saying in that head of yours,
Speaker 1: which then ultimately takes over what are you doing in
Speaker 1: that mind of yours? So I give your mind something
Speaker 1: much like, yeah, you have to have a vision, right, right,
Speaker 1: And then your vision says I want to have a
Speaker 1: better sex life with my husband, right, you know, and
Speaker 1: then your actions and how you talk to yourself about
Speaker 1: your husband, then you can now hear it because you understand.
Speaker 1: Like if you have a vision like I want to
Speaker 1: get up every morning at six am, you know, then
Speaker 1: you know you better set your alarm and you can
Speaker 1: hear the voice in your head the night before you
Speaker 1: have to set your alarm. Right, So, the only way
Speaker 1: to break into actually even hear it is to know
Speaker 1: where it wants to go, right, to have a purpose, Okay,
Speaker 1: and then you can hear how annoying you are. So
Speaker 1: now imagine you can hear how annoying you are, right, Like,
Speaker 1: so I was incredibly annoying when I had to take
Speaker 1: over learning to love exercising, right, because I've had a
Speaker 1: very cute body. You know, I was sporty, but I
Speaker 1: didn't know I was eating. I didn't know anything until
Speaker 1: I stopped being as sporty as I was in high
Speaker 1: school and then gained those fifteen pounds everybody talks about,
Speaker 1: and then getting rid of them. I had to take
Speaker 1: over my mind, and I had a love exercising and eating, right,
Speaker 1: you right, at nineteen that was not that fun. But
Speaker 1: having that vision lets me hear my inner dialogue. Right,
Speaker 1: So then my inner dialogue, it's very clear, right, it
Speaker 1: gets it gets to eat this, it gets to have
Speaker 1: these things. This is this is what I want to
Speaker 1: be doing, and this is what the voice wants to do.
Speaker 1: So now you hear your voice. Go get a cookie.
Speaker 1: You deserve one. You you worked out, you went an
Speaker 1: extra ten minutes on your run, Come on, cookie, right,
Speaker 1: or drink or whatever your thing is? Right? And who's
Speaker 1: saying that that is not in my best interest? Like
Speaker 1: shut up voice? Right? Like shut up right? So when
Speaker 1: you get you're not going to eat the cookie. Not
Speaker 1: only do I get a person to dream, I get
Speaker 1: them to make promises that they want to keep. Because
Speaker 1: my whole method is about personal integrity and keeping a
Speaker 1: promise to yourself. So I engage you in your higher
Speaker 1: self by making you have a vision, make a promise.
Speaker 1: And now listen for the little criminal in the head
Speaker 1: trying to get a cookie. Right now, we know you
Speaker 1: know where that wolf is? Hi wolf? Right, how do
Speaker 1: I get in the cage? So you have to start
Speaker 1: to fight with that voice and go get an apple.
Speaker 1: And that's the real work. And developing that voice becomes possible.
Speaker 1: After you hear your voice, you can then kick its ass.
Speaker 1: I teach how to do talkbacks. I explain all of
Speaker 1: my inner dialogue because you're developing an inner dialogue that
Speaker 1: you respect and love that is you. There is no
Speaker 1: is you until you consent to what is you. And
Speaker 1: trust me, that voice that gets the cookie was not me.
Speaker 1: I was miserable. So that's the basic gist of that
Speaker 1: section in the book. And so what you're saying, essentially
Speaker 1: is a variation on you can't stop your first thought,
Speaker 1: but you you stop what comes right after it, and
Speaker 1: you notice it and you redirected, and you may have
Speaker 1: to do that five hundred five thousand times. When I
Speaker 1: think stop it. It's one of those things. It's like,
Speaker 1: well they don't stop. But we used to say in recovery,
Speaker 1: Like I just said, you know, I can't control your
Speaker 1: first thought, but you can control what you do with
Speaker 1: it after it appears, right, Yes, And I do also
Speaker 1: love that over time, once I've mastered, I really mastered that,
Speaker 1: and it and like a child who's never getting their
Speaker 1: pacifier again, it shuts down some it it becomes funny,
Speaker 1: it doesn't even try anymore. It's like a catch twenty two.
Speaker 1: If it could stay there forever and never get a cookie,
Speaker 1: it will disappear. But if you think it disappeared, it'll
Speaker 1: come back, right. I refer to it. I refer to
Speaker 1: it as like stay stray cats, Like if you stop
Speaker 1: feeding them, they stopped coming around, right, you know. It's
Speaker 1: like you've got to stop feeding those thoughts and and
Speaker 1: then eventually they will go away, you know, whether it's
Speaker 1: a craving or whatever it is. It it will disappear
Speaker 1: if you don't feed it, you know. And and and
Speaker 1: that relationship building, that ability is self love. Yes, absolutely,
Speaker 1: And and so I want to go back to a
Speaker 1: little something you said in the middle of that, because
Speaker 1: I think it's when I describe my coaching program to people.
Speaker 1: This is what I say, and you said it almost exactly,
Speaker 1: which is, you know, the skill ultimately that we're after
Speaker 1: here is the ability to make and keep a promise
Speaker 1: to yourself. If you can do that, the sky's the limit,
Speaker 1: it's the best. And then feel trust yourself. Right, it
Speaker 1: feels so good. You know. You talk about it as
Speaker 1: personal integrity, um, and you know, but that ability to
Speaker 1: make and keep a promise not only leads to success,
Speaker 1: it leads to an inner stability and well being. I
Speaker 1: think it connects you to your soul, like that is
Speaker 1: your soul walking on earth, that that came to live
Speaker 1: and to fulfill on lots of fun. Right, And I
Speaker 1: wanted to follow up with something else that you wrote
Speaker 1: because I thought this was a really interesting statement and
Speaker 1: ties to this exactly. Say, what if integrity is spirituality?
Speaker 1: I do think that. I think your ability to say
Speaker 1: and do something makes anything. And then it means say
Speaker 1: do and believe right, say like, believe in something, say something,
Speaker 1: do something that they're all aligned. Yeah, that is sacred.
Speaker 1: That's being sacred, it's seeing sacred, it's being wholly to
Speaker 1: yourself and the purpose of your life. Whatever your purpose is. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I couldn't agree more. I could not agree more. And
Speaker 1: and you know, I think any of us if we
Speaker 1: look in our in our life and we look at
Speaker 1: the places and the times we have done that where
Speaker 1: we make and you know, like you said, you know,
Speaker 1: think about what's important and then you know, decide to
Speaker 1: do it and then actually do it. If you look
Speaker 1: at the times in your life when that has happened,
Speaker 1: you you notice an internal congruence that is really really good.
Speaker 1: And when you don't, there's this inner turmoil that never
Speaker 1: really goes away. You keep reinforcing the same thing and
Speaker 1: working with people, we get off to a good start,
Speaker 1: they're doing well, and then you know, something happens a
Speaker 1: day or two, right, and and what immediately comes up
Speaker 1: is the voice that says, see, I knew you couldn't
Speaker 1: do it, right, yeah, Well, and then that conveniently gets
Speaker 1: you a drink. It conveniently gets you to not talk
Speaker 1: to your boss about that, right it has and then
Speaker 1: you're sad about yourself. And then feeling bad is one
Speaker 1: of the things. Like feeling bad I have always considered
Speaker 1: one of the darkest like it when people feel bad,
Speaker 1: it's as if they're guilty and they understand they should
Speaker 1: have done it differently, And it means so much that
Speaker 1: you like you better feel guilty if you don't do it,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And I think that's one of the
Speaker 1: darkest phenomenas and human is being able to feel really bad.
Speaker 1: Is if that makes you still a good person? Like
Speaker 1: I said I would do is something I feel terrible,
Speaker 1: I didn't do it. I'm still the good purpose and
Speaker 1: maybe I'll do it tomorrow. And I wish a human
Speaker 1: would just go I said i'd do it, I didn't
Speaker 1: do it. On it just be true about it, right.
Speaker 1: I don't need you to feel bad. I don't need
Speaker 1: you to guilt yourself. I don't need you to suffer
Speaker 1: because I promise it leads to a bag of potato chips, right,
Speaker 1: like I'm telling you it's getting you a cookie. Right.
Speaker 1: Why are humans suffering feeling bad and still not doing
Speaker 1: the action? Right? So I'm very into breaking into that narrative.
Speaker 1: So a person wakes up to that they give it
Speaker 1: up all for feeling bad and some way to wallow.
Speaker 1: That's right, that's right, and that you're exactly right that
Speaker 1: the the wallowing or the feeling bad or you know,
Speaker 1: the guilt or even in some people the deeper you know,
Speaker 1: this goes so deep. The shame is what secretly is
Speaker 1: reinforcing the habit you're trying to break. I mean, I've
Speaker 1: I've done so much work, you know, over the years
Speaker 1: and observe so many people and you know around addiction,
Speaker 1: and you know that really is the heart of it.
Speaker 1: You know, the heart of it is you. You use,
Speaker 1: so you feel really bad about yourself, and you guilt
Speaker 1: yourself and you talk about how bad you are and
Speaker 1: when an awful person, which just leads you needing to
Speaker 1: medicate more, yes, and blame, even if the main person
Speaker 1: you blame is you, Right like that? Don't that don't
Speaker 1: impress me? Right? So let's talk about We're nearing the
Speaker 1: end of our time here, but I want to talk
Speaker 1: about consequences. This is something you talk a lot about about.
Speaker 1: You know, you design a promise yourself, you keep them
Speaker 1: and if you don't, you pay a consequence. And so
Speaker 1: let's talk a little bit more about this. And then
Speaker 1: I have a specific question in relationship. So this originally
Speaker 1: was from my brat, you understand, and it works incredibly
Speaker 1: well on the chicken. So what happens is is I
Speaker 1: wanted to make my vices right, whatever, my cookie, whatever
Speaker 1: I was going to get like, I had to earn
Speaker 1: advice right now, it's you know Netflix, right, so if
Speaker 1: I so? For example? Right, so, I have a promise.
Speaker 1: I've been with my husband for twenty two years. I
Speaker 1: love that man, but I could blow off sex in
Speaker 1: five like, are you kidding? For good TV? I love
Speaker 1: that God see it forever. We're gonna we got this right,
Speaker 1: I'll screen you tomorrow, right, right word, baby, I didn't shower.
Speaker 1: I went for workout. I'll smell right. I got good
Speaker 1: reasons not to take a five minute shower anyway and
Speaker 1: get to my Netflix. Um so, anyway, I wonder how
Speaker 1: many sex moments have been interrupted and postponed by Netflix.
Speaker 1: I wonder what the numbers. I just love to know.
Speaker 1: I would like right, it's it's it's embarrassing and it
Speaker 1: doesn't and it doesn't even match what people feel, right
Speaker 1: because I really would much rather get it on. It
Speaker 1: doesn't take that. I still get to the television right, Like,
Speaker 1: It's like, it's not such a right and I like
Speaker 1: myself so much better and he likes me better, and
Speaker 1: I like him better, and it's like a workout, right,
Speaker 1: It's like really good. Like a workout is good for
Speaker 1: the body, sex is really good for the connection with
Speaker 1: your partner. It still works. Right, So here's how a
Speaker 1: consequence works. I swear to be Jesus that I have
Speaker 1: sex twice a week or else. If I don't, I
Speaker 1: you know, I lose my television, right, I do not
Speaker 1: get to like you know, if I haven't done it
Speaker 1: by Thursday, I'm in trouble, guys, right with my Netflix? Right,
Speaker 1: it's over right, and I have to get it done
Speaker 1: to get it back on so I could get on
Speaker 1: on Saturday. Do you understand? So Netflix is off the table,
Speaker 1: right if I haven't kept my promise. Guess who keeps
Speaker 1: a promise? Right? It makes my my funny dark side,
Speaker 1: which isn't really very dark keep like it doesn't. I
Speaker 1: don't get my cookie unless I kept the promise I
Speaker 1: really want to keep when I wanted to. Here's another
Speaker 1: great example is this works really well on me. I
Speaker 1: want to meditate twice a day. Ready, how do I
Speaker 1: do that? No coffee until I've meditated or in the
Speaker 1: evening I want to meditate later in the afternoon. No
Speaker 1: screen fun time until I've meditated. Guess who meditates? Right?
Speaker 1: And I don't keep that to myself. I keep it public. Well,
Speaker 1: I die without coffee? No? Maybe? Um would I die
Speaker 1: without my Netflix? No? Would I die without? Do you understand? So?
Speaker 1: Consequence is not a punishment. It gets your vice, your
Speaker 1: dark side. You're like, give me that write your drink
Speaker 1: to work for the for the good guys before it
Speaker 1: earns it's you know cookie, You know, I think those
Speaker 1: can be very, very powerful, and I've seen them work
Speaker 1: and I've used them. And but my question is, in
Speaker 1: certain cases, we don't have enough of a grasp on
Speaker 1: things in general that we're even going to make ourselves
Speaker 1: do the consequence. We say, oh, well the consequence is this,
Speaker 1: but we don't do the action or the consequence right
Speaker 1: because that basic muscle isn't even there. Well, it's in
Speaker 1: my program, right, in my digital program and in my
Speaker 1: coaching program. Everyone owes their promises to someone who's going
Speaker 1: to help be accountable for them. Like I have three children,
Speaker 1: and I have a promise that I do not I
Speaker 1: do not get to get hot, like I do not
Speaker 1: get to scream, nothing loud comes out. I have to
Speaker 1: use my words, right, I have to really talk if
Speaker 1: I'm upset, Right, I do not get to act like
Speaker 1: my mommy and scream through the house and scare the
Speaker 1: living but Jesus out of people. Right, And if I
Speaker 1: scream or get pissy like that, hot, anyone in earshot
Speaker 1: gets twenty bucks. Right, you know it happens like once
Speaker 1: a year. And trust me, I scream out before I scream.
Speaker 1: Everybody will could hear this is gonna have to do.
Speaker 1: And then I'm like, you know, and it makes it
Speaker 1: so funny that my kids never actually believe the scream
Speaker 1: right right there, Like mommy went off a deep in right,
Speaker 1: and I made twenty bucks because she lost her ship, right,
Speaker 1: And I love that, Like God, I wish my mother
Speaker 1: did that. Right, And so that art it is like
Speaker 1: your heart like holding you to the behaviors you want
Speaker 1: to be, right, like so the sex and the don't
Speaker 1: scream at my kids and even go to bed on time,
Speaker 1: Lauren Xander, right, like I need a bedtime. Right, So
Speaker 1: all of these things need promises and consequences for me
Speaker 1: and in my practice with an accountability buddy, right, and
Speaker 1: trust me, use your kids right, just tell them if
Speaker 1: I don't go to the gym, you make twenty bucks
Speaker 1: and they'll be like, did you go? I'm going today? Right?
Speaker 1: And you deserves you right because you don't want to
Speaker 1: lie to that kid and teach them you don't keep
Speaker 1: promises or tell excuses. You can almost you can hear
Speaker 1: your excuses when you to look in your kid's eye, right, right, right.
Speaker 1: Accountability is so critical, you know, it's it's such a
Speaker 1: big piece of the post. It's also a great way
Speaker 1: to love each other. Even most most friends are not
Speaker 1: they're drinking buddies, not accountability. Buddies is our joke, right,
Speaker 1: and we teach how to truly um you know, take
Speaker 1: like work together humans right, Like to really love each
Speaker 1: other is to support each other, right, and so I
Speaker 1: want that to change for humanity too and make it
Speaker 1: fun and deep. Yep, yep. Well, this has been a
Speaker 1: wonderful conversation. We are at the end of our time.
Speaker 1: You and I are going to continue in a post
Speaker 1: show conversation where we're going to talk about the eight
Speaker 1: basic brands of excuses. Listeners, if you want to become
Speaker 1: a member, get access to post show conversations like this one.
Speaker 1: Add free episodes and a weekly mini episode I do
Speaker 1: call the teaching song and a poem as well as
Speaker 1: feel good about supporting the show. Go to when you
Speaker 1: Feed dot net slash join. So thank you so much,
Speaker 1: Lauren Again, it's been a it's been a fun pleasure
Speaker 1: and I've enjoyed the conversation is great. Okay bye. If
Speaker 1: what you just heard was helpful to you, please consider
Speaker 1: making a donation to the One You Feed podcast. Head
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