Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Donald J.
Speaker 2: Trump, the forty fifth President of the United States, a
Speaker 2: man who's licentious and felonious behavior has been well cataloged
Speaker 2: and documented, returned to the Capitol of Rotunda just four
Speaker 2: short years after inspiring in that very place a day
Speaker 2: of riotous, shick free.
Speaker 1: Shit fury. Return to the exact same room.
Speaker 2: Now, generally, if this were a dateline documentary, he would
Speaker 2: return to that room to express a form of repentance
Speaker 2: in maturity and acknowledgment of pain that had been wrought
Speaker 2: on that terrible day.
Speaker 1: But in this show that we're filming now, it's to.
Speaker 2: Be sworn in as the forty seventh President of the
Speaker 2: United States, And as with most, returning to the scene
Speaker 2: of the crime.
Speaker 1: It began with tea with the people you tried to
Speaker 1: steal it from.
Speaker 3: A short time ago.
Speaker 4: President Joe Biden greeted mister and Missus Trump at the
Speaker 4: White House for tea and inaugural tradition.
Speaker 2: It's always important to keep up the tea tradition when
Speaker 2: you hand over the keys to I'm sorry, what did
Speaker 2: you call them, hitler, but gotta be a good host,
Speaker 2: and the WiFi password his White House, but I change
Speaker 2: the eye to a one.
Speaker 1: I hope that's not weird.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying Biden should have done his own insurrection,
Speaker 2: but there's got to be a happy medium between storming
Speaker 2: the Capitol and.
Speaker 1: Would you like a crumpet?
Speaker 2: Then it was time for the swearing in on the
Speaker 2: kind of on the Bible. Yes, it turns out Trump
Speaker 2: didn't actually put his hand on the Bible, obviously because
Speaker 2: one or the other would burst into flames.
Speaker 1: Perhaps both.
Speaker 2: And so, ladies and gentlemen, the torch has been passed
Speaker 2: from Biden to Trump. Yes, the torch has been passed
Speaker 2: to the same generation of Americans. Let's hear from the
Speaker 2: forty seventh president, fresh off the warm embrace of a
Speaker 2: tea ceremony with his predecessor.
Speaker 5: My recent election is a mandate to completely and totally
Speaker 5: reverse a horrible betrayal and all of these many betrayals
Speaker 5: that have taken place.
Speaker 1: He's right behind you. Luckily, I don't think he can
Speaker 1: hear you.
Speaker 2: Yes, The inaugural speech followed the American tradition of a
Speaker 2: passive aggressive transfer of power. The incoming president gets the
Speaker 2: completely shit on the outgoing president in front of that
Speaker 2: president and hopefully his spouse.
Speaker 5: In recent years, our nation has suffered greatly record inflation
Speaker 5: trying to socially engineered race and gender disastrous invasion of
Speaker 5: our country is a radical and corrupt establishment, vicious, violent,
Speaker 5: and unfair weaponization. From this moment on, America's dickline is over.
Speaker 2: This is a tumultuous time in American history, filled with
Speaker 2: much uncertainty interrepidation. But it is very difficult for me
Speaker 2: to not in any way take the bait of the
Speaker 2: way he said dickline. It really did sound like he said,
Speaker 2: our dickline, like the line of our dick.
Speaker 1: So you can see America's dickline.
Speaker 2: I mean, how are you going to end our dickline
Speaker 2: with a tuck or a full reassignment? Or is this
Speaker 2: more about Fetterman's shorts? What about our dickline? I am
Speaker 2: a child child, But as bad as things were, guess what, folks,
Speaker 2: Daddy's home, It's about to get a whole lot better.
Speaker 5: The Golden Age of America begins right now. From this
Speaker 5: day forward, our country will flourish. The American dream will
Speaker 5: soon be back and thriving like never before.
Speaker 1: We will win like never before.
Speaker 6: We will be a.
Speaker 1: Rich nation again.
Speaker 5: We will bring prices down, fill our strategic reserves up again.
Speaker 5: We will drill, baby drill.
Speaker 2: I think I just saw JD Vance's dickline.
Speaker 1: Drill baby drill. Who.
Speaker 2: But for all the day's eerie energy, one thing stood
Speaker 2: out to America's watchdogs of democracy.
Speaker 7: We have watched as the forty seventh president of the
Speaker 7: United States has been sworn in a cornerstone of democracy.
Speaker 8: This is the true transfer of power here of the
Speaker 8: current president and the former president making this walk.
Speaker 9: This process is what distinguishes the United States from a
Speaker 9: lot of other parts of the world.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's all just normal shit, It's just another day.
Speaker 2: It's all just normal transfer powershit. We're just going to
Speaker 2: play along, like all this theater is normal. Oh, except
Speaker 2: there was one thing that might have given the game away.
Speaker 10: For just twenty minutes or so left in his presidency.
Speaker 11: We've just gotten word from President Biden that he is
Speaker 11: pardoning his brothers, wives, his sister, other family members.
Speaker 10: He says that he is doing this.
Speaker 11: Because baseless and politically motivated investigations Greek havoc on the
Speaker 11: lives of individuals.
Speaker 1: It's all just normal.
Speaker 2: First of all, Biden you're at the inauguration, did you
Speaker 2: auto schedule your pardons? And second of all, what the fuck, man,
Speaker 2: You're just pardoning your whole family. It's not a great
Speaker 2: look yet, like any good captain, as the ship is
Speaker 2: going down, Biden gave the order.
Speaker 1: That life vot is from my family.
Speaker 2: The rest of you can do just like a kind
Speaker 2: of Jack and Rose thing.
Speaker 1: One on one off, fifty to fifty shot. Who gives
Speaker 1: a shit? Biden outy.
Speaker 2: So the takeaway of this entire day was a man
Speaker 2: who tried to overthrow the government has been peacefully handed
Speaker 2: the reins of power, and the outcome going president has
Speaker 2: started a new tradition of blanket pardoning everyone in his orbit,
Speaker 2: the two men creating a magnificent snake sucking its own
Speaker 2: dick cycle of no accountability. And then, of course we
Speaker 2: end with the grand finale, the attack on Greenland has
Speaker 2: been gone.
Speaker 1: Yesterday.
Speaker 12: That dude signed over one hundred executive actions. I mean,
Speaker 12: look at them. He froze the federal hiring bills, something
Speaker 12: about genders. Yeah, he said, Cuba's a state sponsored terrorists.
Speaker 12: Now he renamed a mountain dishwashers are less efficient. Well,
Speaker 12: you can do that, look, yeah, so many executive actions.
Speaker 12: They had to like scroll through the tracks like it
Speaker 12: was an ad for But now that's what I call maga.
Speaker 12: And being the show man that he was, Trump wasn't
Speaker 12: going to sign these behind the desk of a pen
Speaker 12: and paper like a nerd. Okay, No, he turned this
Speaker 12: into an arena show at.
Speaker 13: Capitol One Arena in front of a crowd of supporters,
Speaker 13: Trump putting into motion his d one actions.
Speaker 4: After President Trump signed the executive orders at a desk
Speaker 4: that was placed on stage, he had a pile of pins.
Speaker 6: Well, President Trump decided to toss.
Speaker 12: The pins to some of his supporters. Wow, whoever caught
Speaker 12: that pen is so lucky. I mean, that is going
Speaker 12: to be such a cool thing for those guys to
Speaker 12: show their kids once they get their visitation rights back.
Speaker 12: And even after even after he got back to the
Speaker 12: White House, he just kept signing. I mean this this
Speaker 12: guy was so in the zone. He didn't even know
Speaker 12: what you were signing.
Speaker 14: Was withdrawing from the World Health Organizations?
Speaker 15: Ooh ooh, he's withdrawing from the World Health Organization.
Speaker 12: Like he's hearing the dessert options. No, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 12: I'll have the terremisue and potential miasles outbreak with that,
Speaker 12: you know, I mean, if you could put anything in
Speaker 12: front of him yesterday, he would have signed it.
Speaker 6: Milania.
Speaker 12: Now it's a chance to optate the prenup.
Speaker 1: Go go, go go.
Speaker 12: But you know, but you know what, I'm not gonna
Speaker 12: be shitting on President Trump. Okay, Okay, sure he pulled
Speaker 12: out of the Who who are those guys?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 12: What are the odds that's ever going to be a
Speaker 12: pandemic requiring global cooperation? So I'm going to go to
Speaker 12: President Trump if an open mind. You know, he won
Speaker 12: the election, which means he's a great guy. Who's right,
Speaker 12: So I'm sure his executive orders are reasonable.
Speaker 10: Trump pulled the US out of the Paris Climate Accords.
Speaker 12: Okay, Okay, look he I know that sounds bad for
Speaker 12: these woke liberals, like does it really matter you know
Speaker 12: one year in next year, one out that would have
Speaker 12: been doing the hokey pokey for these guys, like twelve years.
Speaker 12: They didn't even put us in a group chat anymore.
Speaker 16: Okay.
Speaker 12: Also, newsflash Paris acquote, Yo, we're not going to reach
Speaker 12: the mission goals anyway. Okay, this world is over. It's
Speaker 12: such an excuse to go to Paris, which overrated. Okay,
Speaker 12: so fine, he's taking us out of anything that involves
Speaker 12: the rest of the world. Okay, I'm sure there's other
Speaker 12: executive orders that aren't any worse.
Speaker 17: Among the many executive orders President Trump signed on Monday
Speaker 17: was this one pausing the TikTok band for seventy five days.
Speaker 17: He says the United States should broker a deal to
Speaker 17: own half of the platform.
Speaker 3: I think the.
Speaker 5: US should be entitled to get half of TikTok. And
Speaker 5: congratulations TikTok as a good partner.
Speaker 6: Say yo.
Speaker 12: He brought back TikTok just as my brain was regaining
Speaker 12: its higher order functions. I mean, oh my god, that
Speaker 12: was close.
Speaker 6: Now.
Speaker 12: If you remember, TikTok was originally banned because everyone thinks
Speaker 12: it gives China too much influence over Americans. And to
Speaker 12: be fair, before I started using TikTok, I was a
Speaker 12: white guy from Iowa. Okay, But the point, the point
Speaker 12: is the people have spoken, Okay, we want China to
Speaker 12: change our brains. What absolute idiot even thought of banning
Speaker 12: it in the first place.
Speaker 6: We're looking at TikTok.
Speaker 1: We may be banning TikTok.
Speaker 12: Okay, yeah, thank you President Trump for saving us from
Speaker 12: that guy. What I'm saying is all these executive orders
Speaker 12: on bad Okay, I mean, what else is he doing?
Speaker 18: And Trump is going to try It's an executive order
Speaker 18: to end their right citizenship. It's a constitutional right that
Speaker 18: those born on American soil or US citizens, regardless of
Speaker 18: their parents immigration status.
Speaker 12: Okay, Okay, that does sound like a major change, but
Speaker 12: right citizenship has been in the Constitution of one hundred years.
Speaker 12: But on the other hand, should you just be a
Speaker 12: US citizen just because you were were born here? I mean,
Speaker 12: I think all citizens should have to prove that they're
Speaker 12: truly American by taking a quiz on American history and
Speaker 12: failing it. Okay if your score, if your score is
Speaker 12: above sixty, you're going back to as y'all whatever shithole
Speaker 12: country as educational standards. And to be fair, nothing too
Speaker 12: extreme so far. I mean, it sounds like there's a
Speaker 12: campaign Trump that says things to win, and then there's
Speaker 12: a President Trump who rules more moderately.
Speaker 17: Overnight, with the stroke of a pen, President Trump issuing
Speaker 17: sweeping pardons to nearly all of the rioters charged for
Speaker 17: their actions on January sixth, So this is January sixth.
Speaker 17: Trump even granting clemency to the more than six hundred
Speaker 17: people charged with assaulting or resisting law enforcement.
Speaker 12: Okay, Look, freeing violent criminals from prison seems less moderate
Speaker 12: and more like something Bain did. Okay, but you know what,
Speaker 12: if you know your history in that situation, Batman fixed it. Okay.
Speaker 12: So concerns are over blown. And look, these guys have
Speaker 12: been in prison for like two whole months already. Okay,
Speaker 12: I'm sure they've learned that.
Speaker 19: Lesson Jacob Chancelly, we know him as also the QAnon Shaman.
Speaker 19: He put out something on social media where he said,
Speaker 19: I got a pardon baby, Thank you, President Trump. Now
Speaker 19: I'm gonna buy some mother fn guns.
Speaker 12: It's almost the end of Trump's first week in office,
Speaker 12: and he's done a lot. He shut down windmills, he
Speaker 12: saved TikTok, he caught common San Diego, and the man
Speaker 12: just can't stop, won't stop. On Monday, he wiped out
Speaker 12: all federal DEI programs, and yesterday he ordered that if anyone, anyone,
Speaker 12: if you see anyone trying to be inclusive, you better
Speaker 12: tell teacher.
Speaker 11: The Trump administration asking federal workers to snitch on their coworkers.
Speaker 11: In a rollback of diversity equity and inclusion programs.
Speaker 20: Employees have been told to report any colleagues who work
Speaker 20: in diversity, equity and inclusion roles or they could face consequences.
Speaker 20: NBC need has obtained emails sent to multiple agencies that
Speaker 20: say some of these programs are disguised using coded or
Speaker 20: imprecise language.
Speaker 12: Yeah you hear that. Don't even think about doing DII
Speaker 12: in secret, right, Don't be meeting up in back alleys
Speaker 12: like yo, yo, you gotta need lesbian resumes for me today.
Speaker 12: And I know you think DII was only invented in
Speaker 12: twenty twenty by Democrats looking for a fresh new way
Speaker 12: to lose elections. But Donald Trump is dedicated to rooting
Speaker 12: out DEI all throughout history.
Speaker 21: One of the president's executive orders revokes an executive order
Speaker 21: signed by President Lyndon Johnson in nineteen sixty five that
Speaker 21: the Trump administration says mandated affirmative action.
Speaker 12: That's right, Donald Trump went back in time to kill BABYDI.
Speaker 12: It's kind of impressive that he got this much focus.
Speaker 12: Trump is doing deep dives into these obscure old policies.
Speaker 12: Like he's magot John Oliver. And look, I'm not going
Speaker 12: to pretend to know more about civil rights law than
Speaker 12: Donald Trump. I mean, he's been sued over it many times.
Speaker 12: But if a discrimination law has been around since nineteen
Speaker 12: sixty five, it might be a load bearing civil rights thing,
Speaker 12: so maybe don't touch it. But DII is not the
Speaker 12: only thing Trump is shutting down. He's also shutting down
Speaker 12: illegal immigration. In fact, it was probably the biggest thing
Speaker 12: he talked about during the campaign, aside from Ronold Palmer's penis,
Speaker 12: which is actually a thing that happened. But today Trump
Speaker 12: faced his first setback.
Speaker 3: Breaking news out of Seattle.
Speaker 10: A federal judge has just temporarily.
Speaker 9: Blocked President Trump's order attempting to end birthrights citizenship.
Speaker 22: The judge in this case is saying that they have
Speaker 22: been on the bench for ever four decades. So this
Speaker 22: is a quote from the judge inside the courtroom. I
Speaker 22: can't remember another case where the question presented is as
Speaker 22: clear as this one. This is a blatantly unconstitutional order.
Speaker 1: Whoa whoa whoa whoa?
Speaker 12: What does the Constitution have to do with this? The
Speaker 12: Constitution is for gun stuff, Okay, who died and make
Speaker 12: this woke activists.
Speaker 23: A judge huh oh uh, Ronald Reagan, that liberal cuck.
Speaker 12: This judge. This judge has been judging for four decades
Speaker 12: and has never seen something and I quote so blatantly unconstitutional.
Speaker 12: I mean, that's like the judge equivalent of a Kendrick distract,
Speaker 12: Like all the other judges.
Speaker 6: Were like, oh shit, sweet concur.
Speaker 12: Usually the judge says this is a constitutional or unconstitutional okay,
Speaker 12: but this is like next level unconstitutional. This is like
Speaker 12: if you took a pregnancy test and he said you
Speaker 12: are the least pregnant anyone's ever been in forty years.
Speaker 12: But Trump doesn't expect all these executive orders to pass
Speaker 12: legal scrutiny. He's signing those things the way guys swipe
Speaker 12: right on every Tinder profile. Okay yo, he just needs
Speaker 12: one or two to hit. And that's the weekend. Baby.
Speaker 12: The point is Trump is gonna try whatever he can
Speaker 12: to shut the border down. And last night Trump sat
Speaker 12: down for some conversation and light man spreading with Sean
Speaker 12: Hannity to explain why.
Speaker 17: In an Oval Office sit down last night, President Trump
Speaker 17: repeated false claims that other countries are sending their prisoners here.
Speaker 1: They've emptied dead jails.
Speaker 5: I would if I were the president or prime minister
Speaker 5: or something of another country, I'd empty my jails right
Speaker 5: into America.
Speaker 1: You did do that.
Speaker 6: Like three days ago.
Speaker 10: With the.
Speaker 6: With the ten sixth thing.
Speaker 12: Remember the guy handle you all those cheesecake factory menus
Speaker 12: and you sign them all.
Speaker 6: That was the thing.
Speaker 12: But look, Trump doesn't care whether migrants are technically criminals
Speaker 12: or not, because he can tell just by looking at them.
Speaker 5: Sean who would ask for open borders with people pouring in,
Speaker 5: some of whom I won't get into it, but you
Speaker 5: can look at them and you can say, could be trouble,
Speaker 5: could be trouble. There are people coming in with tattoos
Speaker 5: all over their face, their entire faces covered with tattoos.
Speaker 5: Typically you know he's not going to be the head
Speaker 5: of the local.
Speaker 6: Bank, breaking news.
Speaker 12: Old man, not fan of tattoos, And yeah, probably the
Speaker 12: guys who face tattoos aren't going to be bankers. But
Speaker 12: maybe bankers should have tattoos. I mean, one tear drop
Speaker 12: for every loan application they deny. A stay Cliff JP Morgan,
Speaker 12: that guy local.
Speaker 13: Friday Night Masterflate Friday Night Perge, A chilling perch the purge?
Speaker 24: Oh Trump possession in the purge?
Speaker 2: Hi for what.
Speaker 1: HI for?
Speaker 2: One will take full advantage by doing some untermitted lawn work.
Speaker 1: Your God is powerless.
Speaker 2: Although, just in case I'm misinterpreting, what is this purge about?
Speaker 1: Exactly?
Speaker 7: Breaking news the mass firing of government agency watchdogs.
Speaker 17: Trump fired at least seventeen inspectors general.
Speaker 2: No, he got rid of seventeen inspectors general.
Speaker 1: That only leaves no one knows how many that I
Speaker 1: have no idea.
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm sorry, did I break the illusion?
Speaker 1: You know, here's a nice thing a home.
Speaker 2: You don't know if that's the axe or my desk,
Speaker 2: which one is fake?
Speaker 1: I'll never tell. The point is.
Speaker 2: We have seventeen less inspectors general. Who knows how many
Speaker 2: generals will now go uninspected? Democrats inspire my anger in
Speaker 2: the lead's charismatic way possible.
Speaker 25: Donald Trump's decision to fire twelve of the federal government's
Speaker 25: independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age.
Speaker 25: And Donald Trump's decision to fire twelve of the federal
Speaker 25: government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a
Speaker 25: golden age for abuse in government and even corruption.
Speaker 1: He started again, right?
Speaker 2: He said it twice like no recognition, just started again.
Speaker 1: Is that what happened? Normally humans in that scenario would go,
Speaker 1: oh god, I'm sorry?
Speaker 12: What?
Speaker 1: Uh? Where was I?
Speaker 2: Let me take that from the top and maybe this
Speaker 2: time I'll look up.
Speaker 1: Can you are you? Can you legally just restart without acknowledgement?
Speaker 1: Is Schumer ai? Is he deep seek?
Speaker 2: But regardless of how slowly NPC Chuck Schumer.
Speaker 1: Laid it out, what Trump did violated the law. He
Speaker 1: can't just fire these people.
Speaker 4: Title five, Section four or three of the us CO
Speaker 4: Federal Law in a spectro general may be removed by
Speaker 4: the president.
Speaker 1: What so, what's the purge? What's the mouth? Why do
Speaker 1: I have an axe?
Speaker 26: There is a specific law that requires notice thirty days
Speaker 26: and a statement of reasons, substantive and detailed rationale.
Speaker 1: What I'm sorry?
Speaker 5: What?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 2: Apparently you can fire them, but you have to give
Speaker 2: them thirty days notice.
Speaker 1: Oh so that's what we're upset about. No, you can
Speaker 1: do it, but not in that font. That's Hitler's font.
Speaker 2: But this is the cycle we find ourselves in. First
Speaker 2: law of trumpodynamics. Every action is met with a very
Speaker 2: not equal overreaction, thus throwing off our ability to know
Speaker 2: when shit is actually.
Speaker 1: Getting real Like last week's pardons.
Speaker 21: These pardons are sick, they are offensive, They are Unamerican.
Speaker 19: This is one of the most egregious, despicable acts in
Speaker 19: American history.
Speaker 27: This is textbook authoritarian takeover.
Speaker 1: One oh one. I knew I should have taken that class.
Speaker 2: I'm not majored in submissive liberal crying one oh one.
Speaker 1: Do what you with Trumpieski? Was it shitty?
Speaker 12: Yes?
Speaker 1: Should you have let some of those terrible people?
Speaker 19: No?
Speaker 1: Is it an to be used of pardon power?
Speaker 2: I don't know, but that is his constitutional power. Again,
Speaker 2: for some reason, we have given presidents the power of
Speaker 2: a king, and then we say, oh, by the way,
Speaker 2: with that power, you're not going to get all like
Speaker 2: kinglean shit on us right.
Speaker 1: To put that in constitutional terms?
Speaker 2: If I could don't hate the player, hate the founding fathers, why.
Speaker 1: Don't we even have it? Because I don't know. If
Speaker 1: you've met Donald Trump, he pushes shit.
Speaker 28: President Trump deploying executive action to end birthright citizenship.
Speaker 3: This unconstitutional on American.
Speaker 1: Attack, shredding our constitution was to be a strong man authoritarian.
Speaker 2: Birthright citizenship was very specifically tailored to send a message
Speaker 2: to people in America was a place an idea.
Speaker 1: It wasn't for one race, it wasn't for one gender.
Speaker 2: Citizenship in America was based on where you were, not
Speaker 2: who you were, and to just stroke of a pen. Finally,
Speaker 2: I agree that is authoritarian.
Speaker 7: We do begin tonight with the federal judge blocking President
Speaker 7: Trump's executive order that would end birthright citizenship, and we're back.
Speaker 1: See how easy that was. It was a dictatorship. And
Speaker 1: then the judgment.
Speaker 2: It's like when you have an electric fence. You never
Speaker 2: check it and you're not really sure if it works.
Speaker 1: Because you have a good boar. Yeah, I have a
Speaker 1: very good boy, but then one day zap.
Speaker 2: By the way, I fundamentally disagree with the use of
Speaker 2: electric fences, It is true. I prefer to discipline my
Speaker 2: dogs with a series of passive, aggressive comments about their weight,
Speaker 2: really tearing through the bowl to night.
Speaker 29: Huh, take a breath, Tubs, It's called kibble, not gobble.
Speaker 2: By the way, my dog's name is Tubs. Anyway, birthright
Speaker 2: citizenship is back.
Speaker 1: No obviously will appeal it.
Speaker 2: Damn you constitutionally enshrined judicial review of executive action.
Speaker 1: And it's relief through the appellate process. Look, we are facing.
Speaker 2: A deluge of these executive actions, and certainly we must
Speaker 2: be prepared for those most vulnerable to the consequences of
Speaker 2: these actions. But this is all fascist argument has become
Speaker 2: almost a re flex for the left.
Speaker 30: Donald Trump promised to be a dictator on day one,
Speaker 30: and he's carried that forward through the entire week.
Speaker 6: Five days into this administration. The abuse has already rampant well.
Speaker 30: The rest of the week, shredding the constitution as he
Speaker 30: went on.
Speaker 28: A fascism scale of one to ten, with ten being
Speaker 28: peak fascism.
Speaker 10: How would you rate Trump's first week.
Speaker 1: The scale of Mussolini to the Holocaust? You know, I
Speaker 1: would say it's not fascism.
Speaker 2: Do I not understand what fascism is? And also if
Speaker 2: I may, and this may be petty, why are we
Speaker 2: asking someone who at the end of January still has
Speaker 2: his friend Christmas Treo, Why are we asking you anything?
Speaker 6: Donald Trump was busy getting our military in shape so
Speaker 6: he can finally fulfill our country's month old dream of
Speaker 6: conquering Greenland. And first we're going to need to have
Speaker 6: as many troops as possible.
Speaker 30: President Trump has signed several executive orders to reshape the military,
Speaker 30: including directive banning transgender service members.
Speaker 6: Okay, did I say as many troops? I mean fewer troops, right,
Speaker 6: you know what they say in the army, less is more.
Speaker 1: Look, maybe they.
Speaker 6: Don't say that. I don't know, but that's Look. I
Speaker 6: don't have a problem with transgender soldiers. As someone who
Speaker 6: peaes himself anytime he hears a loud noise, I think
Speaker 6: we should be grateful to anyone who's willing to put
Speaker 6: their life on the line, so I don't have to.
Speaker 6: But hey, yeah, okay, but I'm open minded about being
Speaker 6: closed minded. So what's the issue here?
Speaker 30: President Trump signed an executive order calling transgender people unfit
Speaker 30: to serve.
Speaker 31: One part says being transgender is quote knocking assistant with
Speaker 31: the humility and selflessness required of a service member.
Speaker 30: Another says being trans conflicts with quote an honorable, truthful,
Speaker 30: and disciplined lifestyle, even in one's personal life.
Speaker 6: Yeah, well, look, you know it makes sense that the
Speaker 6: military has to be honorable, truthful, and disciplined. You know, sure,
Speaker 6: this is your Secretary of Defense. But that's all the
Speaker 6: more reason. That's all the more reason that the rest
Speaker 6: of them have to have their shit together. It's like
Speaker 6: how every Beatles album had to be packed with hits
Speaker 6: to make up for that one song that Ringo wrote
Speaker 6: about wanting to an octopus or whatever. I gotta say,
Speaker 6: the military sure has a lot of ethical rules for
Speaker 6: their mission of killing people. Hey, you want to blow
Speaker 6: some guys head off, you better say please and thank you.
Speaker 6: But to be fair, Trump had another argument against trans
Speaker 6: soldiers as well.
Speaker 32: They specifically cite readiness with transition surgeries. If you have
Speaker 32: a transition surgery, the recovery time and the narcotics that
Speaker 32: you have to be on as part of the process
Speaker 32: could affect your readiness for up to twelve months.
Speaker 6: Oh, up to twelve months. Do you know how long
Speaker 6: our wars last. I think they'll have you back back.
Speaker 1: In the game in no time.
Speaker 6: Vietnam War eleven years, Afghanistan War twenty years. Even our
Speaker 6: storage wars last fifteen seasons. First of all, transgender people
Speaker 6: make up point one percent of the military, So Commander
Speaker 6: in Chief, you're ruining the lives of people who are
Speaker 6: dedicated to serving America while doing nothing to affect the
Speaker 6: larger military. I don't see why a transition surgery should
Speaker 6: affect readiness more than any other surgery. Trump is acting
Speaker 6: like they're doing transition surgeries on the front lines. Medic
Speaker 6: I need a medic over here. We got to get
Speaker 6: this guy a laby a stat Also, what do you
Speaker 6: mean readiness? Modern war is just telling a drone to
Speaker 6: drop bombs. Pretty sure, it doesn't matter what your sex
Speaker 6: is to go like this. That's how they dropped moth.
Speaker 6: But Trump isn't just doing bad things to good people.
Speaker 6: He's also doing good things to bad people. It's been
Speaker 6: a week since he pardoned everyone who had a normal
Speaker 6: tourist visit to the Capitol on January sixth, and I'm
Speaker 6: sure they're making the most of their second chance.
Speaker 26: Right.
Speaker 4: A man pardoned by President Trump for his role in
Speaker 4: the January sixth riot was shot and killed by an
Speaker 4: Indiana deputy during a traffic stop.
Speaker 6: Okay, well except for that guy. I mean, that guy
Speaker 6: really wasted a presidential pardon. Look, if I ever get
Speaker 6: a presidential pardon, I'll tell you. I'll tell you what
Speaker 6: I'm not gonna do. I'm not gonna get shot to death.
Speaker 6: So what exactly happened there?
Speaker 4: At least say the deputy tried to arrest Matthew Huddle
Speaker 4: on Sunday, but he resisted and the deputy shot him.
Speaker 4: Investigator say, Huddle had a gun.
Speaker 6: Hmmm, a routine traffic stop ending in the police shooting
Speaker 6: a man they claimed had a gun. This is the
Speaker 6: kind of thing Liberals would cry police brutality. But if
Speaker 6: it's a January sixther, you know, I I have a
Speaker 6: feeling they're going to be like, oh, look, we need
Speaker 6: to back the blue on this one. Liberals are getting
Speaker 6: so much whiplash trying to decide if this cop is
Speaker 6: bad or good. Rachel Maddow is going to be in
Speaker 6: a neck brace. But aside from the ones who are dead,
Speaker 6: all the rest of the January sixth riders who Trump
Speaker 6: released from prison must be so happy.
Speaker 9: Right now, Houston authorities are trying to find a man
Speaker 9: pardoned by Donald Trump for his role in the January
Speaker 9: sixth riots. Andrew take is wanted for our twenty sixteen
Speaker 9: charge of a solicitation of a minor.
Speaker 6: Okay, well, well not that guy. Also stop. But look,
Speaker 6: any group as large as the January sixth crowd is
Speaker 6: going to have one sex creep in it. You know,
Speaker 6: there's probably one in our audience right now, raise your
Speaker 6: hand if you're a sex creep. That guy in the
Speaker 6: plaid shirt, that woman, sir, Come on the point is
Speaker 6: all the rest of the partners are. They're fine, They're
Speaker 6: doing fine.
Speaker 7: A Mint hill Man, who pleaded guilty to his involvement
Speaker 7: in January sixth, is possibly facing other charges.
Speaker 18: Court document show David Daniel is facing child pornography charges.
Speaker 6: Wait, wait what, I'm starting to worry that the people
Speaker 6: who broke into the capital and took a shit at
Speaker 6: Nancy Pelosi's desk are not upstanding citizens, you know what.
Speaker 6: Forget about those two pedophiles. Andrew Kyle Grigsby of Louisville,
Speaker 6: who was pardoned for spraying Capitol police with bear spray,
Speaker 6: is currently incarcerated in a Kentucky prison for two counts
Speaker 6: of child pornography. Jesus Christ, at this point, it might
Speaker 6: have been better for them just to stay in prison,
Speaker 6: you know. At least then they were heroes. Now they're
Speaker 6: all going to individual prisons for child pornography. Like, so,
Speaker 6: do you guys have a choir?
Speaker 1: Trump's been busy these.
Speaker 6: Last few days signing orders reinstalling the diet coke button
Speaker 6: grabbing Panama by the canal, but it was only a
Speaker 6: matter of time until he had to start presidenting for real.
Speaker 6: This morning, he held a press conference to address the
Speaker 6: tragic plane crash in Washington, DC last night. And remember,
Speaker 6: one of the most important things a leader can do
Speaker 6: in a rapidly developing difficult situation is to calm people down,
Speaker 6: stick to the facts, and keep your uninformed opinions to yourself.
Speaker 5: We do not know what led to this crash, but
Speaker 5: we have some very strong opinions and ideas, and I
Speaker 5: think we'll probably state those opinions now, I mean, or.
Speaker 1: We can just speculate wildly.
Speaker 18: Why not.
Speaker 6: I get a little bit nervous when Trump has a
Speaker 6: strong opinion, you know, it's never something unifying, like sunsets
Speaker 6: are beautiful or love is the answer. But this is
Speaker 6: a new term and he's only a few days in,
Speaker 6: so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. What's
Speaker 6: Trump's opinion about what happened in DC.
Speaker 5: The FAA's diversity push, A big push to put diversity
Speaker 5: into the FAA's program, the agency's Guidance and Diversity Hiring,
Speaker 5: the FAS Diversity and Inclusion Hiring plan.
Speaker 6: Damn you, diversity initiatives. Why are you responsible for every
Speaker 6: historical tragedy the fires in Los Angeles, DEI, the bridge
Speaker 6: collapse in Baltimore, DEI, the Irish potato famine DEI, Slavery DI.
Speaker 6: Did you ever notice how many minorities were at slavery?
Speaker 6: It's all DI. Just to be clear, mister president, you
Speaker 6: have evidence that diversity initiatives are responsible for this tragic crash.
Speaker 6: You're not just saying this right right.
Speaker 33: I'm trying to figure out how you can come to
Speaker 33: the conclusion right now that diversity had something to do
Speaker 33: with this crash because they.
Speaker 1: Have common sense. There you go, No, no, no, there
Speaker 1: you go, there you go. Here's common sense.
Speaker 6: It's just a coincidence that his common sense happens to
Speaker 6: align with his long held prejudices. So let's spin the
Speaker 6: big wheel of blame to see which minorities are responsible
Speaker 6: for this crash. Who will it be this time? Black people, lesbians,
Speaker 6: trans Armenians.
Speaker 5: The FAA is actively recruiting workers who suffer severe intellectual disabilities,
Speaker 5: psychiatric problems, and other mental and physical conditions under a
Speaker 5: diversity and Inclusion hiring initiative. They include hearing vision, missing extremities,
Speaker 5: partial paralysis, complete paralysis, epilepsy, and dwarfismwarf.
Speaker 6: I can't believe it's only day ten and Trump is
Speaker 6: already this far down his list of scapegoats. He's blown
Speaker 6: past race and gender and now he's hitting dwarfs. Is
Speaker 6: he really suggesting there is a plane crash because someone
Speaker 6: with dwarfism worked in air traffic control? Does Trump think
Speaker 6: they couldn't see the control panel and they.
Speaker 1: Were just.
Speaker 6: Reaching up and pushing bump and buttons hoping it would
Speaker 6: work out. Hold on, I just want to say that
Speaker 6: people with dwarfism are just like everyone else. In fact,
Speaker 6: they're penises are normal size, which means proportionally they're huge.
Speaker 6: So in a way you could say that I'm the
Speaker 6: one looking up to them.
Speaker 2: That's a thinker, that's a thinkert of.
Speaker 6: Different layers in there. You might be thinking, well, that's progress.
Speaker 6: You know, he used to blame everything on past administrations,
Speaker 6: But don't worry, he got them in there too.
Speaker 5: We had a very good policy, and then Biden came
Speaker 5: in and he changed it. And Biden went by a
Speaker 5: standard that's the exact opposite the FAA, which is overseen
Speaker 5: by Secretary Pete Buddhachek a real winner. You know how badly
Speaker 5: everything's run since he's run the Department of Transportation. Obama,
Speaker 5: Biden and the Democrats, they put politics at a level
Speaker 5: that nobody's ever seen. Might changed the Obama standards from
Speaker 5: very mediocre at best to extraordinary.
Speaker 6: I'm sorry you're blaming Obama, the guy from three presidents ago.
Speaker 6: Forget blaming a fart on your This is blaming the
Speaker 6: fart on your dog that died when you were eight.
Speaker 6: I still think about you, Henry, such stinky farts. Yeah, look,
Speaker 6: mister president, I know you're scared that people might hold
Speaker 6: you responsible now that you're president. Because you're the president,
Speaker 6: mister president, and it's time to just be a man. Okay.
Speaker 6: Real men don't point fingers. Real men find solutions, real
Speaker 6: men show leadership, real men moisturized guys. You got to
Speaker 6: take care of your skin.
Speaker 1: You got to take care of your skin.
Speaker 12: Yeah.
Speaker 6: The skin is the biggest organ on the body unless
Speaker 6: your dwarf. And it's the second bid.
Speaker 28: We all know Donald Trump isn't a details kind of guy.
Speaker 28: We elected him to come up with big, brilliant ideas
Speaker 28: like renaming the Gulf of Mexico. No one else could
Speaker 28: have thought of that or should have thought of that.
Speaker 28: But it's okay that he's not big on details because
Speaker 28: during the campaign he promised us that he knew a guy.
Speaker 5: I'm going to appoint Elon Musk who's a fantastic guy
Speaker 5: to lead a government efficiency commission tasked with saving trillions
Speaker 5: of dollars in fraud, waste, and abuse. We have tremendous fat,
Speaker 5: tremendous fet.
Speaker 10: Don't take the bait? Does he don't take the bait?
Speaker 10: Be the bigger person, Be the bigger person. Okay, that's right.
Speaker 28: Elon Musk, the world's richest man and guy who cheers
Speaker 28: in the wrong parts of saving private Ryan Trump promised
Speaker 28: us that he'd give Elon full access to the federal government,
Speaker 28: pull it to the side, and get all up in it.
Speaker 28: And unlike his wedding vows, this is a promise he kept.
Speaker 27: Musk sweeping push to make over the federal government, sparking
Speaker 27: democratic panic and warnings of a constitutional crisis.
Speaker 34: Now we have learned that his team has gained access
Speaker 34: to something extraordinarily sensitive, the system that the Treasury Department
Speaker 34: uses to disperse almost every check and expenditure of any
Speaker 34: kind made by the US government that is a.
Speaker 27: Vast database with millions of Americans personal information on it.
Speaker 28: Yeah, yeah, Elon Musk has access to your Social Security
Speaker 28: number and that is not cool. If you want our
Speaker 28: personal data, Elon, you go buy it off the dark
Speaker 28: web like everyone else. Okay, Now, you might be thinking,
Speaker 28: I don't want white nationalist Tony Stark to have sole
Speaker 28: control of the inner workings of the federal government. But relax,
Speaker 28: it's not just Elon. He has a fully equipped team.
Speaker 9: Longtime government employees this week were shocked to find that
Speaker 9: they're new supervisors from Elon Musk's DOGE department include recent
Speaker 9: college and high school graduates between nineteen and twenty four
Speaker 9: years old. One of the young men is apparently a
Speaker 9: former Internet Musk's neuralink company who goes by the online
Speaker 9: handle Big Balls.
Speaker 28: Great Big Bulls has my Social Security number.
Speaker 10: Now I feel better.
Speaker 28: But Elon Musk isn't the only one having people finger
Speaker 28: banging their eggs Florentine with excitement.
Speaker 10: Donald Trump is.
Speaker 28: Also reducing the government workforce, although his interest seemed to
Speaker 28: be less about cost cutting and more about sweet sweet revenge.
Speaker 2: I'm tremendous unrest inside the FBI as prosecutors and agents
Speaker 2: who worked on the January sixth investigation and are being targeted.
Speaker 34: It looks like a wholesale purge of the FBI. As
Speaker 34: you know, already, the eight top officials at the Federal
Speaker 34: Bureau of Investigation have either been fired or forced to resign.
Speaker 34: Now the FBI is being asked to produce a list
Speaker 34: of every employee worked on any case related to January sixth.
Speaker 34: I am told this is some six thousand FBI employees,
Speaker 34: all told.
Speaker 10: What the fire.
Speaker 28: These agents were doing their job enforcing the law, and
Speaker 28: now they're getting fired.
Speaker 10: That is not how it works.
Speaker 28: I cannot believe I have to explain firing to the
Speaker 28: star of the Apprentice that was your whole fake job.
Speaker 28: And this is obviously just the beginning, because Trump is
Speaker 28: going to be targeting everyone that's ever come after him.
Speaker 28: And I just want to say, I'm not scared, So
Speaker 28: mister Trump, bring it on, Okay, that's.
Speaker 10: Coming from me.
Speaker 28: Jordan Klepper k l Epper.
Speaker 17: This morning, a stunning proposal from an American President, Donald Trump,
Speaker 17: with the Israeli Prime Minister by his side, declaring that
Speaker 17: the US will take over the Gaza Strip.
Speaker 5: The US will take over the Gaza Strip.
Speaker 1: We'll own it.
Speaker 10: Okay, let me just ask what and also what.
Speaker 35: President Trump made a surprising suggestion last night during a
Speaker 35: press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin nettan Yahoo, the
Speaker 35: United States he said should take over the war torn
Speaker 35: Gaza Strip and redevelop it into something like a seaside resort.
Speaker 5: We have an opportunity to do something that could be phenomenal.
Speaker 1: And I don't want to be cute. I don't want
Speaker 1: to be a wise guy.
Speaker 5: But the riviera of the Middle East.
Speaker 10: What the.
Speaker 28: Trump is going to turn Gaza into the Riviera. He
Speaker 28: couldn't even turn Atlantic City into a nicer Atlantic City.
Speaker 10: If anything, they tore down so many of his casinos.
Speaker 28: He turned to Atlantic City into Gaza. But okay, he
Speaker 28: wants to rebuild it, and he wants to turn it
Speaker 28: into mar A Lago. At least the Palestinians will have
Speaker 28: a place to go back to.
Speaker 17: Donald Trump calling for the permanent resettlement of roughly two
Speaker 17: million Palestinians.
Speaker 5: I don't think people should be going back to Gaza.
Speaker 5: I think that Gaz has been very unlucky for them.
Speaker 17: And he says he's willing to use the US military
Speaker 17: to do it.
Speaker 5: We'll do what is necessary.
Speaker 1: If it's necessary, we'll do that.
Speaker 28: Okay, Just so I'm clear, your idea is to take
Speaker 28: over Gaza, rebuild it into mar A Lago, and make
Speaker 28: sure that the Palestinians who live there can't go back.
Speaker 28: That is the easiest thing he said since yesterday and
Speaker 28: until tomorrow, even as chief of staff was shocked.
Speaker 10: Look at her face. She looks just like.
Speaker 28: She won Best Country Album at the Grammy. And of
Speaker 28: course she's shocked. He's effectively advocating for ethnic cleansing.
Speaker 10: Who could possibly be okay with that?
Speaker 36: You see things others refuse to see. You say things
Speaker 36: others refuse to say, and on. After the jaws drop,
Speaker 36: people scratch their heads and they say, you.
Speaker 1: Know, he's right.
Speaker 28: No, they usually scratch their heads and they say, what
Speaker 28: the fuck are you talking about? Of course, Phoebe is
Speaker 28: ecstatic at Trump's idea.
Speaker 10: Look at him.
Speaker 28: He looks happier than a teenager getting a hand job
Speaker 28: in the back of a birthright bus. But bb aside,
Speaker 28: this proposal is giving a lot of people whiplash. Trump
Speaker 28: ran his whole campaign on America First, and now he's
Speaker 28: out there chanting from the riviera to the sea. Yesterday,
Speaker 28: Donald Trump unveiled his big plan to relocate Gosins and
Speaker 28: turn their homeland into the world's holiest hard rock hotel
Speaker 28: and casino.
Speaker 10: And today the reviews are in.
Speaker 28: The Arab world hates it, Democrats condemn it, Republicans have
Speaker 28: problems with it, and the Palestinians won't abide by it.
Speaker 28: Or as Trump says.
Speaker 2: A lot of people are talking about everybody loves it.
Speaker 10: I stand corrected. I guess everybody loves it.
Speaker 28: And even though the plan was totally perfect in every way,
Speaker 28: his staff spent the entire next day walking back every
Speaker 28: single part of it.
Speaker 17: The President said his intention was to remove Palestinians from
Speaker 17: Gaza permanently.
Speaker 5: If we can get a beautiful area to resettle people permanently.
Speaker 17: But today the press secretary said it would be temporary.
Speaker 37: But the President has made it care that they need
Speaker 37: to be temporarily relocated out of Gaza for the rebuilding
Speaker 37: of this effort.
Speaker 28: Oh, Trump's press secretary just had her first walk back.
Speaker 28: This is an important rite of passage for Trump's spokespeople.
Speaker 10: They're bull mitzvah.
Speaker 28: If you will She was spending so much time walking
Speaker 28: back the plan that at one point she ran out
Speaker 28: of English words. This is an unhabitable place for human beings.
Speaker 10: Yeah, so true.
Speaker 28: Remind me how it got unhabilibitable again?
Speaker 10: Even worse for Caroline.
Speaker 28: While she was scrambling to salvage Trump's plan, Trump was
Speaker 28: on truth social readjusting it on the fly, which left
Speaker 28: everybody even more confused.
Speaker 4: Breaking Just a short time ago, President Trump seemed to backtrack,
Speaker 4: but also to double down on his plan to take over.
Speaker 28: Gaza, a backtrack and a double down, And now on
Speaker 28: the uneven bars, Donald Trump will attempt the rare combination backtrack,
Speaker 28: double down, and let's see if he breaks every bone
Speaker 28: in his body. But while his team tries to fix
Speaker 28: his Gaza plan, Donald Trump has already moved on because
Speaker 28: he's basically the neurovirus. Every day he spews executive orders
Speaker 28: all over the place, and while we struggle to clean
Speaker 28: up all the puke, he comes out the other end
Speaker 28: with something even worse.
Speaker 10: He tried to.
Speaker 28: Buy out the entire workforce of the CIA. His DOJ
Speaker 28: is going after anyone who's investigated him, and now he
Speaker 28: has defeated America's biggest threat at.
Speaker 37: The White House today, President Trump signing an executive order
Speaker 37: banning transgender women and girls from competing in women's sports.
Speaker 5: With this executive order, the war on women's sports is over.
Speaker 38: Who are putting.
Speaker 5: Every school receiving taxpayer dollars on notice that if you
Speaker 5: let men take over women's sports teams or invade your
Speaker 5: locker rooms, you will be investigated for violations of Title
Speaker 5: NINN and risk your federal funding.
Speaker 10: You don'tice how.
Speaker 28: We paused right before invade your locker rooms, Like, maybe
Speaker 28: we won't make that illegal.
Speaker 10: You should I proof read this.
Speaker 28: It's bad enough that he's banned trans women from sports,
Speaker 28: but spare us the performance of pretending that this is
Speaker 28: a top issue for women in this country. Maybe start
Speaker 28: with I don't know reproductive rights or pay inequality, or
Speaker 28: why it's twenty twenty five and still none of my
Speaker 28: clothes have pockets. Now you might be wondering, is this
Speaker 28: really going to be the entire Trump presidency? Just divisive
Speaker 28: executive orders every day for the next four years.
Speaker 10: Probably?
Speaker 28: But on the bright side, he did have one executive
Speaker 28: order today that felt relatively harmless.
Speaker 5: I have signed an executive order to resume the process
Speaker 5: of creating a new national park full of statues of
Speaker 5: the greatest Americans who ever lived.
Speaker 1: It would be called the.
Speaker 5: National Garden of American Heroes. And I hope that Congress
Speaker 5: will fully fund this wonderfully unifying project at the first
Speaker 5: possible opportunity.
Speaker 28: Excuse me, sir, Americans already have a national Garden and
Speaker 28: it sells unlimited breadsticks. I never thought i'd say this,
Speaker 28: but Elon, I got some government waste for you.
Speaker 10: Right here?
Speaker 28: Does anyone have the phone number of the Department of
Speaker 28: Government Efficiency?
Speaker 10: Actually they're all twelve year olds.
Speaker 28: Does anyone have the roadblocks user names of the Department
Speaker 28: of Government Efficiency?
Speaker 1: Here's here's And I'm going to drop some knowledge.
Speaker 2: And no one really cared about the game because of
Speaker 2: the earth shattering announcement that had been made moments prior.
Speaker 5: You know, we're flying over right now, we're flying over
Speaker 5: a thing called the Gulfs of America, and I'm signing
Speaker 5: a proclamation. And perhaps you could define that.
Speaker 2: First of all, why do you fly around in a
Speaker 2: Hyatt hotel room? Second of all, define proclamation that you
Speaker 2: don't know what a prop or do you just want
Speaker 2: her to say what the actual propert.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry I interrupted.
Speaker 16: This is a.
Speaker 9: Proclamation declaring today, February ninth, twenty twenty five is the
Speaker 9: first ever Gulf of America.
Speaker 6: Day, and we're flying right over it right now.
Speaker 2: So we thought this would be appropriate.
Speaker 5: Even bigger than the Super Bowl.
Speaker 1: It's true, bigger than the Super Bowl.
Speaker 2: In fact, my favorite thing about Gulf of America Day
Speaker 2: are the commercials.
Speaker 1: It's very historic.
Speaker 2: I'm sure we'll look back on this day fondly when
Speaker 2: America is swallowed up by the rising waters of the
Speaker 2: Gulf of America.
Speaker 1: You know, it turns out it's kind of a weird thing.
Speaker 2: Airplanes might not be the best place to make bigger
Speaker 2: than the Super Bowl announcements.
Speaker 5: Even bigger than the Super Bowl. This is a big thing,
Speaker 5: and almost everybody now has assented to that.
Speaker 8: And ladies and.
Speaker 24: Gentlemen, if you please direct your taking out the right side.
Speaker 14: Of the aircraft.
Speaker 12: Air Force one is currently in international waters the.
Speaker 4: First time in history is flying over the recently renamed
Speaker 4: golc of America.
Speaker 2: First of all, oh my god, it shut him up,
Speaker 2: even for just a second. I think airplane pilots must
Speaker 2: be the most powerful force.
Speaker 1: In the universe.
Speaker 2: I feel like the Democrats have to get themselves an
Speaker 2: airplane pilot. Sorry for the interruption, but you can't do that.
Speaker 2: Maybe let's Shumer. Schumer will be the pilot. But forgive me,
Speaker 2: I've been forgotten. What does calling a Gulf of America do?
Speaker 23: Do?
Speaker 1: We get all its fish?
Speaker 12: Now?
Speaker 39: Make America great again?
Speaker 5: Right, that's what we care about.
Speaker 1: Making America great A good.
Speaker 2: Everything Trump does all part of making America great again.
Speaker 2: Order one, roll back everything from the previous not great
Speaker 2: administration regulations on the environment, regulations, on the Second Amendment,
Speaker 2: the Title nine guidance, and not just the big shit.
Speaker 2: You want to make America great again, you can't skimp
Speaker 2: on the details.
Speaker 13: President Trump says he's going to reverse Joe Biden's mandate
Speaker 13: to phase out plastic straws, saying, enjoy your next drink
Speaker 13: without a strawa disgustingly dissolves in your mouth.
Speaker 1: You okay, He's right on this one.
Speaker 2: He he is right on this one.
Speaker 1: Those straws are fing terrible.
Speaker 2: Objectively, I'm supposed to have some weird tissue paper dissolve
Speaker 2: in my mouth just because turtles can't figure out straws
Speaker 2: aren't food. Now, don'tate to tubes, stupid turtles. So Trump
Speaker 2: is making America great again by taking us back to
Speaker 2: twenty sixteen. But obviously, if we're gonna make America great again,
Speaker 2: we can't stop in twenty sixteen. We got to keep
Speaker 2: pushing to that place when America was truly great. How
Speaker 2: much further back do we need to go? So it
Speaker 2: looks like it's the seventies.
Speaker 1: Oh, like you don't know who Burt Reynolds is.
Speaker 2: If you're gonna make us great, you're gonna have to
Speaker 2: roll further back than the seventies.
Speaker 1: What do you got.
Speaker 5: We're going to stop the destructive and devisive diversity, equity
Speaker 5: and inclusion.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the seventies won't fly.
Speaker 2: Seventies it was all about women's lib and stonewall. Now,
Speaker 2: my friends, we got to go back further to make
Speaker 2: America great. And ladies, when we do go back, don't worry.
Speaker 2: It's all going to work out for you.
Speaker 38: You will no longer be thinking about abortion.
Speaker 5: Women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free like everything
Speaker 5: else that's a little bit different today. You're not allowed
Speaker 5: to say that because if you call a woman or
Speaker 5: a girl beautiful, that's the end of your career.
Speaker 1: Oh you can't even say, hey, sugar tits.
Speaker 40: But ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna go back to the
Speaker 40: old days with regular tits, not the ones that disgustingly
Speaker 40: dissolve in your mouth.
Speaker 24: Also, Jesus, but let's not stop in the seventies, their folks,
Speaker 24: not even in the fact.
Speaker 1: Let's keep going, because.
Speaker 2: That sounds like the fifties and the fifties are still
Speaker 2: too inclusive. I mean, by then Italians and Irish were
Speaker 2: considered white.
Speaker 1: No, that's too far. Keep going back. America's greatness, awaits.
Speaker 5: We were the richest country in the world. We were
Speaker 5: at our riches from eighteen seventy to nineteen thirteen, that's
Speaker 5: when we had we were a tariff country.
Speaker 1: Eighteen seventies. Okay, there we go. Eighteen seventies kill kill
Speaker 1: Bill doo.
Speaker 2: And of course will America presently is still pretty faking rich.
Speaker 2: Apologies Luxembourg, point taken. Who wouldn't trade our current environment
Speaker 2: for America's eighteen seventies tariff driven bekandled tuberculosis laden pre
Speaker 2: industrial heyday.
Speaker 5: We were so wealthy we had commissions set up what
Speaker 5: to do with all the money that we were taking in.
Speaker 1: Quick point of order.
Speaker 2: Though to the extent that we were at our richest
Speaker 2: from eighteen seventy to nineteen thirteen, it wasn't so much
Speaker 2: we as like four guys, and we called them robber barons.
Speaker 1: As a sign of affection.
Speaker 2: Meanwhile, the rest of America, the leading cause of death
Speaker 2: was falling into a vat at work, and it got
Speaker 2: to the point where even the robber barons realized that
Speaker 2: the only way this glorious era in American history was
Speaker 2: going to end was either full scale in revolution or
Speaker 2: reasonable compromise, which is how we ended up with stuff
Speaker 2: like income tax and labor laws and workplace safety guarantees.
Speaker 2: So let's really tread carefully in the greatness way back machine.
Speaker 41: Arizona House Republican Andy Biggs introduced a bill this week
Speaker 41: that would abolish OSHA, a Department of Labor agency tasked
Speaker 41: with overseen workplace safety.
Speaker 1: To the vats.
Speaker 2: And fill mine with boiling tallow boy, what what?
Speaker 1: Why not just bring back child labor while you're at it.
Speaker 1: When you talk about school lunches, Hey, I work my
Speaker 1: way through high school.
Speaker 34: I know about you, but I worked since I was
Speaker 34: before I was even thirteen years old. I was picking
Speaker 34: berries in the field before child labor laws that precluded that.
Speaker 2: Shore picking berries in a field before you bumits fun.
Speaker 2: I mean, by the way, how old are you if
Speaker 2: you were picking berries before there were child labor laws?
Speaker 1: Because you look great.
Speaker 2: Is the key to good skin working the fields as
Speaker 2: a child.
Speaker 27: Now.
Speaker 2: I hate to bring this up, but if we are
Speaker 2: going back to the eighteen seventies and before, does that
Speaker 2: include every diversity initiative?
Speaker 5: Birthright citizenship was If you look back when this was
Speaker 5: past and made, that was meant for the children of slaves.
Speaker 5: This was not meant for the whole world to come in.
Speaker 5: Everybody coming in and totally unqualified people with perhaps unqualified children.
Speaker 2: Don't bring us. You're tired and poor, huddled masses. Do
Speaker 2: you have any mathletes? Any does Hauser? We will take
Speaker 2: all of your sheldons, young and old. For those of
Speaker 2: you at home who might fear that the president's desire
Speaker 2: to take us back to our nation's historic greatness may
Speaker 2: tread into unconstitutional action, fear not, because the brilliant design
Speaker 2: of our nation allows for the co equal branch of
Speaker 2: the judiciary to stand as a bulwark against tyranny. As
Speaker 2: judged in the landmark decision of eighteen oh three Marbury
Speaker 2: versus Madison, which, as you know, is when James Madison
Speaker 2: lost the historic Supreme Court case to Stefan Marbury. Marbury
Speaker 2: ran him out of the building and established our foundational
Speaker 2: separation of powers.
Speaker 32: Vice President jad Vans he had some interesting words about
Speaker 32: the separation of power and government.
Speaker 1: He's for it.
Speaker 11: If a judge tried to tell a general how to
Speaker 11: conduct a military operation, that would be illegal.
Speaker 17: If a judge tried to.
Speaker 11: Command the attorney general on how to use her discretion
Speaker 11: as a prosecutor, that's also illegal. Judges aren't allowed to
Speaker 11: control the executive's legitimate power.
Speaker 2: Of course, they're allowed to adjudicate the boundaries of that power.
Speaker 2: That's the whole point of the judiciary, to interpret whether
Speaker 2: those powers are legitimate.
Speaker 1: You would the lads over.
Speaker 24: The the alternatives.
Speaker 1: Acting.
Speaker 2: The only alternative is that the executive determines for himself
Speaker 2: what is constitutional, at which point there would be no
Speaker 2: guardrails against.
Speaker 1: Hate. Congress, Hey, buddy, you got a little separation of
Speaker 1: powers problem. I was wondering any chance he might be
Speaker 1: reassert your authority, opposition, pardon democrats. Are you ready to
Speaker 1: do some oppositioning.
Speaker 42: There are some things we can do, but the Republicans
Speaker 42: are the majority in the Senate and the House. We're
Speaker 42: going to need some Republicans, frankly, who are willing to lose,
Speaker 42: who are willing to be a Liz Cheney and say
Speaker 42: I will lose my seat to do the right thing
Speaker 42: by this country, not the right thing by Donald Trump.
Speaker 3: I haven't seen it yet.
Speaker 31: Let's hope Democratic Congressman Dan Goldman of New York.
Speaker 1: That's the sales pitch.
Speaker 2: We just need someone on their side willing to lose
Speaker 2: everything to progress, like a Russian dog being shot into space.
Speaker 2: You can see the Democrats backbone on our new show
Speaker 2: American Backslides.
Speaker 1: I'm starting Dad.
Speaker 2: Going vinesca hoop loser.
Speaker 3: Donald Truff has been imposing a lot of tariffs since
Speaker 3: he took office, And if the nature and scope of
Speaker 3: these tariffs confuses you, don't worry. You're not the only one, thank.
Speaker 14: You, sir. Next In twenty eighteen, you imposed odd volorum
Speaker 14: duties tariffs on imports of steel at a twenty five
Speaker 14: percent rate. Since that time, a large number of exclusions
Speaker 14: and exceptions to that tariff rule have been implemented because
Speaker 14: of the damage to the United States steel industry that
Speaker 14: those exceptions and exclusions have imposed. Where now this order
Speaker 14: would reimpose that twenty five percent oddlorum tariff rate on
Speaker 14: imports of steel. And it's presented for your signature.
Speaker 5: Now do you understand what that means?
Speaker 6: Do you understand what that means?
Speaker 3: I mean, why don't you tell me, President of the
Speaker 3: United States what this means? Explain advalorum to me like
Speaker 3: I was a child. This is Trump's own policy, and
Speaker 3: he's so bored by it. And you can tell because
Speaker 3: at one point he gets so bored he just starts
Speaker 3: peeking into a random folder on the desk. What's in here?
Speaker 3: Can't he.
Speaker 1: Picture of boobs?
Speaker 12: What do we got?
Speaker 3: Oh? Oh, oh, just more falters? Why is this guy
Speaker 3: still talking? Yesterday was a busy day at the White House. First,
Speaker 3: Trump met with the King of Jordan, the country Jordan,
Speaker 3: not the Boston ma King Abdulla the Second. Okay, of course,
Speaker 3: Trump invited the king to discuss his plan to displace
Speaker 3: two million people and turn Gaza into the Atlantic City
Speaker 3: of the Middle East, which sounds pretty clear cut to me,
Speaker 3: but apparently the nitpickers and the media still have questions.
Speaker 1: You said before that.
Speaker 3: The US would buy Gaza, and today you just said,
Speaker 3: we're not going to buy Gadza.
Speaker 5: We're not gonna have to buy We're not gonna buy anything.
Speaker 5: We're gonna have it and we're gonna keep it, and
Speaker 5: we're gonna make sure that there's gonna be peace and
Speaker 5: there's not gonna be any problem. And nobody's gonna question it.
Speaker 3: There's no problem, and nobody's gonna question it. Trump is
Speaker 3: like a Jedi who doesn't have the force. I'll take Gaza.
Speaker 3: Nobody's gonna question it. Nobody is this thing working?
Speaker 16: Is this thing?
Speaker 3: But Trump has another plan to convince the haters, a
Speaker 3: charm offensive.
Speaker 5: It's a war torn area. We're gonna take it, we're
Speaker 5: gonna hold it, we're gonna cherish it.
Speaker 3: Okay, so it's going to be an ethnic cherishing. I
Speaker 3: got okay, Okay, I mean, how did that start? Like
Speaker 3: a Mussolini speech? And as a boys to men's song,
Speaker 3: we will take the land, it will be ours, and
Speaker 3: we're gonna make love to you like you want us to,
Speaker 3: and I'll hold it tight, maybe all through the knights.
Speaker 3: And one thing I find weird about Donald Trump saying
Speaker 3: he wants to run Gaza. Is that from what we've
Speaker 3: seen so far, he barely wants to run the United States.
Speaker 3: For weeks, people have been raising alarms about how Trump
Speaker 3: seems to be handing way too much power over to
Speaker 3: Elon Musk, and yesterday Trump replied, I hear you. You
Speaker 3: want me to give more power to Elon Musk.
Speaker 43: President Trump's setting new guidelines for hiring in the federal
Speaker 43: workforce while giving more power to Elon Musk and his
Speaker 43: team at the Department of Government Efficiency or DOGE. A
Speaker 43: new executive order directs government agencies to pursue large scale cuts,
Speaker 43: saying they now need hiring approval from DOGE.
Speaker 3: Yes, Elon Musk is now in charge of all government highlings, hirants, hirants. Sorry,
Speaker 3: I didn't say that, right, right, I didn't say yeah, Okay, okay.
Speaker 3: I don't know why I keep hitler miss speaking. I
Speaker 3: don't know why I keep misspeaking. So this was already
Speaker 3: a pretty unusual thing for president to do, but Trump
Speaker 3: being Trump, he had to make it even more ridiculous
Speaker 3: by introducing it with a full on circus act in
Speaker 3: the Oval Office. And look at this scene. Musk is
Speaker 3: holding court with his hands tinted like a Bond villain,
Speaker 3: probably to stop him from doing a Nazi salute with
Speaker 3: his with his four year old child in tow. I
Speaker 3: mean that poor kid. His dad literally runs SpaceX and
Speaker 3: Elon took him to a meeting on federal spending. Dad,
Speaker 3: are we gonna get to see the rockets? No, sun,
Speaker 3: We're going to discuss budgets because I'm a shitty dad.
Speaker 3: Everything about this event was so bizarre. Trump was sitting
Speaker 3: quietly for half an hour, retreating to his happy place,
Speaker 3: thinking about Arnold Palmer's giant doge. I mean, and who
Speaker 3: thought cloning Stephen Miller was a good idea? I mean,
Speaker 3: is it for spare parts? I mean they look like
Speaker 3: a before and even more before picture. I mean, okay,
Speaker 3: all right, leaving aside this renaissance painting done by the
Speaker 3: dogs playing poker guy, It's good that we have Elon
Speaker 3: Musk here because we've been watching him slashing programs and
Speaker 3: shuddering agencies for a month now, and we can finally
Speaker 3: ask Elon, why are.
Speaker 1: You doing this?
Speaker 39: If the people cannot vote on how they will be
Speaker 39: decided by their elected representatives in the form of the
Speaker 39: president and the Senate in the House, then we don't
Speaker 39: live in them on we live in a bureaucracy. So
Speaker 39: it's incredibly important that the President of the House and
Speaker 39: the Senate decide what happens as opposed to a large
Speaker 39: unelected bureaucracy.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 3: Wow, I mean, you see why this guy's a genius.
Speaker 3: You don't want an unelected bureaucrat running the country. It
Speaker 3: makes a lot of sense. No questions here. I do
Speaker 3: have one question, though, isn't that you? I mean, am
Speaker 3: I going crazy? Because it feels like I'm watching Drake
Speaker 3: sing not like us at carry Okay, does he not know?
Speaker 3: Remember during the campaign, Donald Trump made some big promises
Speaker 3: about how quickly and easily he was going to end
Speaker 3: that war.
Speaker 5: If I'm president, I will have that war settled in
Speaker 5: one day, twenty four hours.
Speaker 1: I would tell Putin gotta settle.
Speaker 5: I would tell Zelenski, you gotta settle. I would get
Speaker 5: a settlement in twenty four hours, no longer than one day.
Speaker 1: I can get it ended.
Speaker 5: As president elect, I will get it settled before I
Speaker 5: even become president.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna do it. Back to the future and this
Speaker 3: war before it even starts. Go back in time, kiss
Speaker 3: my mom, maybe have sex with her. What am I
Speaker 3: talking about?
Speaker 42: What was I talking about?
Speaker 6: There?
Speaker 3: We are one month into that first twenty four hours
Speaker 3: and Donald Trump is finally ready to negotiate. But it's
Speaker 3: gonna be tough, which is why he started out with
Speaker 3: a quick warm up negotiation. First, an old fashioned prisoner
Speaker 3: swap with Russia. Let's see how it went.
Speaker 17: Russia freed a wrongfully detained American teacher, Mark Voegel, returning
Speaker 17: to the US after more than three years in Russian
Speaker 17: captivity imprisoned for carrying a small amount of medically prescribed marijuana.
Speaker 17: In exchange, the US releasing Russian cyber crime kingpin Alexander Vinnick.
Speaker 3: What you traded a cybercrime kingpin for public school teacher
Speaker 3: Mark Fogel. This is like if the Dallas Mavericks traded
Speaker 3: Luka Doncic for public school teacher Mark Fogel. I mean,
Speaker 3: at least the teacher we got back is the cool teacher.
Speaker 3: He smokes weed and he's been to jail. I mean,
Speaker 3: you know, you know, he's showing movies in fourth period. Also, Americans,
Speaker 3: stop smoking weed in Russia. If you need to relax,
Speaker 3: try not being in Russia. Okay, okay, now that Trump
Speaker 3: got all warmed up, it's time for the main event.
Speaker 17: This morning, President Trump pledging to meet with Russian President
Speaker 17: Putin in person after announcing they've agreed to start negotiations
Speaker 17: immediately to end the war in Ukraine.
Speaker 37: President Trump saying, quote, I just had a lengthy and
Speaker 37: highly productive phone call with President Vladimir Putin of Russia.
Speaker 37: Just gost Ukraine, the Middle East, energy, artificial intelligence, the
Speaker 37: power of the dollar, and various other subjects.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'd like to know what those various other subjects were.
Speaker 3: I mean, it's tad suspicious. It's like a husband coming
Speaker 3: back from a Vegas bachelor party saying, yeah, we ate
Speaker 3: some great food, we saw the sphere, did various other things. Anyway,
Speaker 3: you should get a prescription for valtrex. So Trump has
Speaker 3: now set the stage for face to face negotiations with
Speaker 3: Putin on the future of Ukraine. But Trump won't be
Speaker 3: going into this alone. He also has Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth,
Speaker 3: a man who does not take no for an answer,
Speaker 3: according to police reports. So get ready, Putin, because you're
Speaker 3: about to face the toughest negotiations of your life.
Speaker 17: Pete Hegseth, speaking at NATO headquarters during his first trip
Speaker 17: to Europe, was blunt, saying Ukraine's long thought membership in
Speaker 17: NATO isn't realistic. Neither is thinking Ukraine can regain all
Speaker 17: the territory Russia has seized. We must start.
Speaker 4: By recognizing that returning to Ukraine's pre twenty fourteen borders
Speaker 4: is an unrealistic.
Speaker 17: Objective, measures that will likely be welcomed by Putin, prompting
Speaker 17: questions about whether Trump is giving up his leverage to
Speaker 17: negotiate with Russia.
Speaker 8: Speaking in unusually blunt terms, the German Defense minister accusing
Speaker 8: the Trump administration of making concessions to Putin before these
Speaker 8: peace negotiations have even begun.
Speaker 3: Okay, so before negotiations even start, America gave up the
Speaker 3: two things Russia most wants. I mean, oh, do heg
Speaker 3: Seth and Trump not know how to negotiate between the
Speaker 3: two of them. They've been divorced ninety seven times. I mean,
Speaker 3: if your opening move is giving away the house, the car,
Speaker 3: and the kids, best case scenario, you're leaving court with
Speaker 3: half of a golden retriever. I mean, no one's gonna
Speaker 3: be happy with that, except for maybe RFK Junior. But
Speaker 3: I guess there's still plenty of stuff to negotiate. For example,
Speaker 3: you know which animal will Zelenski be fed to once
Speaker 3: the Russians take over. Probably a lion, but could.
Speaker 1: Be a shark. You know there's room there.
Speaker 3: Whichever animal it is, you'll probably fall out of a window. Regardless.
Speaker 3: Trump is not gonna go driving a hard bargain on
Speaker 3: Ukraine's behalf, and that's fine. But as long as Ukraine
Speaker 3: is an equal member of this peace process, they'll get
Speaker 3: some of what they want.
Speaker 10: Do you hear.
Speaker 28: Ukraine as an equal member of this peace process?
Speaker 1: It's an interesting question.
Speaker 12: Yeight.
Speaker 3: That's like when my dentist asked if by flaws, it's
Speaker 3: an interesting question.
Speaker 6: I gotta go.
Speaker 3: Okay. So this is not looking good for Ukraine. Imagine
Speaker 3: not even being invited to your own peace negotiations. It's
Speaker 3: like if your wife told you she wanted a threesome
Speaker 3: and then asked what night you'll be away on business.
Speaker 3: Have so much fun, sweetie. I'm strong enough for this.
Speaker 3: It's okay. I had it coming after Vegas. You might
Speaker 3: think it's unfair to put Ukraine in this position after
Speaker 3: they were the ones invaded but that's not exactly how
Speaker 3: Trump sees things.
Speaker 1: I think they have to make peace. That people are
Speaker 1: being killed, and I think they have.
Speaker 5: To make peace. I said that was not a good
Speaker 5: war to go into.
Speaker 3: Not a good one to go into.
Speaker 6: They were invaded.
Speaker 3: It wasn't their IDEA little advice for the back of
Speaker 3: Abraham Lincoln's head, don't get hit by a bullet. Not
Speaker 3: smart fuck here.
Speaker 6: Clearly, this is going to.
Speaker 3: Be a complex negotiation, and it couldn't have come at
Speaker 3: a worse time for Trump because he's also busy with
Speaker 3: his second job. Last week, he declared himself the chairman
Speaker 3: of Washington's Kennedy Center for the Arts, the government's premier
Speaker 3: arts institution. And if you're thinking, wait, Trump is completely
Speaker 3: unqualified to think about art, don't worry. He brought along
Speaker 3: an equally unqualified board to help him out.
Speaker 41: He was elected by a board that he recently shook up,
Speaker 41: replacing appointees by Democratic presidents with Trump loyalists. As for
Speaker 41: the board, it now includes Attorney General Pambondi, Second Lady
Speaker 41: Usha Vans, Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Deputy Chief of
Speaker 41: Staff Dan Scamino, Alison Lettnik, who's the e Commerce secretary's wife.
Speaker 3: Okay, first of all, what's up with this voto?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: You need a headshot of mister Scavino. Unfortunately, the only
Speaker 3: picture that exists of him is from when he walked
Speaker 3: on his parents bumping uglies. But I Donald Trump loves
Speaker 3: arts entertainment, and you can hear his genuine passion in
Speaker 3: a phone call he had with the board.
Speaker 6: I think we're going to.
Speaker 32: Do something very special.
Speaker 40: It got very woking, and some people were not happy.
Speaker 6: With it, and some people are reputed to go.
Speaker 38: And we're not gonna have that.
Speaker 35: We're gonna have some that would be very very exciting,
Speaker 35: and we'll.
Speaker 2: Do things both physically and then every other way to
Speaker 2: make the building look even better.
Speaker 40: I think we're going to make it hot, and we
Speaker 40: made the president of the hot.
Speaker 36: So they could be.
Speaker 3: Hot. Only Trump would look at a building and go,
Speaker 3: let's get things off.
Speaker 10: With the war in Ukraine.
Speaker 28: Donald Trump promised he could secure a peace deal within
Speaker 28: one day of taking office, which means he is now
Speaker 28: negative thirty four.
Speaker 10: Days ahead of schedule. Good work, sir.
Speaker 28: As we know, the Ukraine War began in twenty twenty
Speaker 28: two when Putin invaded Ukraine on three separate fronts while
Speaker 28: launching missile attacks on Ukrainian cities, or as Donald Trump
Speaker 28: puts it.
Speaker 3: President Trump has made a series of false assertions blaming
Speaker 3: Ukraine for starting the war.
Speaker 1: You should have never started it. You could have made
Speaker 1: a deal.
Speaker 28: That's an interesting interpretation, and that it's not what happened.
Speaker 10: In fact, it's the exact opposite of what happened.
Speaker 28: And this has set off alarm bells for a lot
Speaker 28: of conservatives, including Brian Kilmead, Trump's buddy and the Joey
Speaker 28: Tribuani of Fox and Friends. He tried to gently push
Speaker 28: back when Trump started to blame the destruction of Ukraine
Speaker 28: on President's Lensky.
Speaker 38: You have a man who's led a country that had
Speaker 38: the most beautiful cities. They demolished, had the most beautiful domes.
Speaker 38: Those domes are the most beautiful the Russians.
Speaker 17: That Russia's fault though architecture.
Speaker 38: Russia demolished a thousand year old domes and everything's demolished,
Speaker 38: mister President, that's all this, that's Vladimir Putin's fault. I
Speaker 38: get tired of listening to it. It makes it very
Speaker 38: hard to make deals. But look what's happened to his country.
Speaker 38: It's been demolished.
Speaker 1: But no, no, I hear you, the president.
Speaker 17: But you know who's a plating for that.
Speaker 44: That's what it is. Vladimir Putin that did the invasion
Speaker 44: unwarranted to try to take back landy had no right to.
Speaker 44: And those you think fundamentally that's that. And if you
Speaker 44: could just get now now both sides want to talk,
Speaker 44: it seems so we should just get to that point.
Speaker 38: They only want to talk because of me.
Speaker 10: But this is how off the rails Trump is.
Speaker 28: His beloved Fox News is saying, mister President, you sound crazy,
Speaker 28: and I believe DEI causes tornadoes. And he's right, not
Speaker 28: about the DEI causing tornadoes. We all know trans people
Speaker 28: cause tornadoes, but about this war. Under Donald Trump, America
Speaker 28: has fully taken Russia's side, which means are we the
Speaker 28: bad now? Well, that didn't answer that, but I think
Speaker 28: we might be the bad guys. It's not just Republicans
Speaker 28: who are alarmed. The entire continent of Europe is freaking
Speaker 28: the fa out. If the United States will help Russia
Speaker 28: take over Ukraine, Who's next? Poland, Latvia, Slovenia, Slovakia, Albania, Estonia. Yeah,
Speaker 28: I got a ninety seven and ap geography, Thank you,
Speaker 28: thank you.
Speaker 10: I would have gotten a hundred, but I misspelled my name.
Speaker 28: So yesterday Europe tried to get Trump back on its
Speaker 28: side by sending over its most charismatic Trump whisperer, Emmanuel
Speaker 28: Macrone of France, and right from the start of that
Speaker 28: meeting you could really see how he let his guard down.
Speaker 12: That is the most beautiful language.
Speaker 5: I have no idea what he said, but that is
Speaker 5: the human, monsvelian, elegant, beautiful language.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 28: Trump just loves a French accent, probably because it's the
Speaker 28: native tongue of his hero pepe Le pew something about
Speaker 28: that pervert skunk that Trump finds so relatable. But mccrone's
Speaker 28: accent gives him a lot of leeweighted gently correct Trump
Speaker 28: every time he spews bullshit.
Speaker 33: I mean this, walk offs to the office a lot
Speaker 33: of money. And this is the responsibility of Russia because
Speaker 33: the aggressor is Russia.
Speaker 5: Europe is loaning the money to Ukraine.
Speaker 42: They get their money back.
Speaker 33: No, in fact, be to be frank, we paid. We
Speaker 33: paid sixty percent of the totally faults and it was who.
Speaker 26: Like the US loves guarantee grants and we provided all money.
Speaker 10: Look at it. Look at that smile. The guy is smitten.
Speaker 28: Usually if someone confronts him about being wrong, he takes
Speaker 28: away their security detail. But he's letting Macron do whatever
Speaker 28: he wants. I think a sexy accent is his kryptonite.
Speaker 28: I assumed it was vegetables, but.
Speaker 10: To be fair, it's not just Macron.
Speaker 28: Trump was swooning over anyone with a sexy accent.
Speaker 39: I want to know, if you what is your idea about?
Speaker 39: Even if you want to make the same thing.
Speaker 1: Can you talk a little louder?
Speaker 5: You have a beautiful voice, like the event.
Speaker 6: Did these days used to me, where are you from from?
Speaker 1: Italy?
Speaker 44: Oh?
Speaker 5: I loved Italy?
Speaker 28: Oh Italy, I love that restaurant with the grocery store
Speaker 28: attwn oh now.
Speaker 6: Level so good?
Speaker 28: Now tell me which section are you from from? Aggio
Speaker 28: produce self. By the way, Trump is the only person
Speaker 28: on earth who has ever asked an Italian person to
Speaker 28: talk louder. Of course, as we saw it last week,
Speaker 28: not every accent does it for him.
Speaker 10: Sometimes it just confuses him with the president.
Speaker 14: People.
Speaker 21: Lydia would be welcoming your decision to extradite Hburga.
Speaker 5: I can't understand what he said.
Speaker 28: Dude, Come on, if you don't understand what someone is saying,
Speaker 28: don't be rude and dismiss them. Just laugh and go,
Speaker 28: oh my god, that's so crazy, like a normal person.
Speaker 28: I mean, is Trump sure that he wants to be president?
Speaker 28: Because this is the worst job in the world if
Speaker 28: you don't understand accents. It's like working as an escort
Speaker 28: if you're still not one hundred percent sure which hole
Speaker 28: it's supposed to go in. Although would that actually make
Speaker 28: you a great escort? I guess we'll never know. By
Speaker 28: the way, if you're wondering how tough Indian accents are
Speaker 28: for Trump, he had to get a translator for it,
Speaker 28: not for the language, for the accent.
Speaker 25: It is evident that how the state of the United States.
Speaker 3: So what is yours?
Speaker 40: And what is the rule that the.
Speaker 28: I can't believe Doge is going around looking for inefficiencies. Meanwhile,
Speaker 28: Trump has an English to English translator. But if you
Speaker 28: do have to have a translator for accents, why does
Speaker 28: the translator also have an accent?
Speaker 10: Maybe the plan was to.
Speaker 28: Have a string of translators with slightly less of an
Speaker 28: accent until they finally got to something Trump could process. Eventually,
Speaker 28: it'll just be the word Bangladesh written across the boobs
Speaker 28: of a swimsuit model.
Speaker 10: Oh now I get it. Anyway, back to Macron.
Speaker 28: Now, you might think that it's not wise for Europe
Speaker 28: to hinge its survival on the seductive power of Macron's accent,
Speaker 28: but Trump himself admitted that it works.
Speaker 5: I just want to fall you a little, sir. So
Speaker 5: we're at the Eiffel Tower having dinner with your wonderful
Speaker 5: wife and with my wonderful wife. And we came out
Speaker 5: and he started speaking the French steel and we didn't
Speaker 5: have an interpreter, and he was going on and on
Speaker 5: and on, and I was just nodding yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 5: And he really sold me on because I got back
Speaker 5: the next day that I read the papers, they said,
Speaker 5: that's not what we said.
Speaker 6: He's a smart customer.
Speaker 36: I will tell you that.
Speaker 28: Hold on, hold on, forget the accent. What was going
Speaker 28: on with that handshake?
Speaker 10: Are they doing the no you.
Speaker 28: Hang up but with their hands? Trump has been getting
Speaker 28: some stuff done. For example, yesterday he signed an executive
Speaker 28: order that forces hospitals to be transparent with their prices.
Speaker 28: And look that seems like a good idea, and I
Speaker 28: am perfectly capable of admitting it. When Donald Trump did
Speaker 28: something good, When Donald Trump did something good, good, When
Speaker 28: Donald Trump did something good.
Speaker 10: I can't say it. I can't say it. Why is
Speaker 10: this so hard?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 10: Thank god? Those don't come along very often. Of course,
Speaker 10: because it's Donald Trump.
Speaker 28: Most people will never hear about this price transparency thing,
Speaker 28: because at the same meeting he seemed more interested in
Speaker 28: doing stuff like this.
Speaker 6: Do you have one of those?
Speaker 1: Trump was right about everything?
Speaker 5: Hats to me this, Yeah, give me all of them. Look,
Speaker 5: see that Trump was right about everything?
Speaker 1: Just came in.
Speaker 6: Somebody said that. I said, this was sent in by
Speaker 6: a fan.
Speaker 1: I said, I think we should make.
Speaker 6: Some of them right.
Speaker 1: But we were pretty much you want want.
Speaker 28: Okay, First of all, that is way too much text.
Speaker 10: Guys.
Speaker 28: If your hat needs a bookmark, it's not a good hat.
Speaker 28: And look, I hate to quibble with the hat. But
Speaker 28: Trump wasn't right about everything.
Speaker 10: Okay.
Speaker 28: There were a couple of small things.
Speaker 12: I don't know.
Speaker 28: Haitian immigrants weren't eating cats and jogs. There wasn't fifty
Speaker 28: million dollars worth of condom sent to Gaza, Belgium is
Speaker 28: not a city.
Speaker 10: The twenty twenty election wasn't stolen. China doesn't.
Speaker 28: China doesn't operate the Panama Canal, nor does it. And
Speaker 28: the best taco bulls are not made at the Trump
Speaker 28: Tower grill. But yes, other than that, Trump was right
Speaker 28: about everything. Now, I'm not trying to be a hater,
Speaker 28: but if you're going to own a hat with a
Speaker 28: ridiculous lie on it, at least make it a fun
Speaker 28: ridiculous lie, which is why I'm selling these. Garfield did
Speaker 28: nine to eleven get yours today before he finishes the job.
Speaker 28: But obviously Trump didn't bring everybody into the Oval office
Speaker 28: just to sell hats. He was there to sell something
Speaker 28: much more fancy.
Speaker 5: We're going to be selling a gold card. You have
Speaker 5: a green card. This is a gold card.
Speaker 1: We're going to be putting a.
Speaker 5: Price on that card of about five million dollars and
Speaker 5: that's going to give you Green card privileges.
Speaker 28: Plus oh oh, green card privileges plus.
Speaker 10: See. I was still getting America with ads quick questions.
Speaker 10: Good question.
Speaker 28: If I'm unhappy with America, can I cancel my subscription
Speaker 28: after seven days?
Speaker 10: I am curious, what does this gold card do?
Speaker 5: It's going to be a rep to citizenship and wealthy
Speaker 5: people will be coming into our country by buying this card.
Speaker 5: They'll be wealthy, and they'll be successful, and they'll be
Speaker 5: spending a lot of money.
Speaker 28: Did this guy just put a cover charge on America?
Speaker 28: It's five million dollars to get in, but he'll waive
Speaker 28: it if you bring in three hot girls with you.
Speaker 10: I mean, I guess it beats.
Speaker 28: The old way of becoming a citizen, which was to
Speaker 28: marry Donald Trump.
Speaker 10: But still.
Speaker 28: I feel like immigrant stories are going to be a
Speaker 28: lot less inspiring in the future. My grandfather came to
Speaker 28: this country with nothing but five million dollars and the
Speaker 28: clothes in his custom Louis Vauton five piece Trunk said,
Speaker 28: although I have to admit I don't totally hate the
Speaker 28: idea of buying your way into a country. Hey, Canada,
Speaker 28: how you.
Speaker 10: Doing, girl. I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Speaker 10: I want to be in you and listen, I don't
Speaker 10: have five million dollars, but I do have.
Speaker 28: Four dollars and a cough drop and this orange hat.
Speaker 10: Let's talk about it now.
Speaker 28: You might be thinking, wait a second, if the US
Speaker 28: is just going to put citizenship up for sale. Doesn't
Speaker 28: that mean that any monster can buy one as long
Speaker 28: as they're rich.
Speaker 10: Well, according to Trump, mm hmm.
Speaker 17: Russian oligar elegible forty gold karma.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Possibly.
Speaker 5: Hey, I know some Russian oligarch said, of very nice people,
Speaker 5: it's possibly.
Speaker 10: Feeling. Trump watched Anora.
Speaker 28: In his takeaway from that movie was, we need to
Speaker 28: do more to help out that rich Russian teenager.
Speaker 10: He's so good at sex.
Speaker 28: But if you're letting Russians come into the country, you
Speaker 28: gotta be careful. Okay, I don't want to engage in stereotypes,
Speaker 28: but if you let a Russian in, then there's gonna
Speaker 28: be a smaller Russian inside of him, and then an
Speaker 28: even smaller Russian inside of him, and on and on
Speaker 28: and on.
Speaker 10: There's always another.
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