WEBVTT - Dealing With Unsolicited Comments About Your Body (Outweigh)

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<v Speaker 1>I won't let my body out outway everything that I'm made,

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<v Speaker 1>DOT won't spend my life trying to change. I'm learning

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<v Speaker 1>to love who I am. I get, I'm strong, I

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<v Speaker 1>feel free and know who every part of me it's

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<v Speaker 1>beautiful and then will always out way if you feel

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<v Speaker 1>it with yours in here, she'll love to the boom there.

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<v Speaker 1>Let's say good day editor, did you and die out?

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<v Speaker 1>Happy Saturday, Outweigh fam Amy here and I am with

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<v Speaker 1>my friend cry O Cat today. Hey Cat, Hey, Happy Saturday.

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<v Speaker 1>And Cat is joining me because we're just gonna talk

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<v Speaker 1>about commenting on other people's bodies and why we don't

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<v Speaker 1>need to be doing it. And we've talked about that

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<v Speaker 1>a lot here on Outweigh, And normally I like to

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<v Speaker 1>have an expert on as my guest, but today I

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<v Speaker 1>just gotta be fun to have a friend on. And

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<v Speaker 1>we just talked like we're a group of girlfriends, and

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<v Speaker 1>if you're a guy listening, you're welcome here too, about

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<v Speaker 1>how we would talk for sitting around the kitchen table,

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<v Speaker 1>like oh my gosh, oh yeah. And when I was practiced,

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<v Speaker 1>one time my grandma's boyfriend said this, which is what

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<v Speaker 1>started this whole conversation, and the inviting cat on is

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<v Speaker 1>because ever since well you were in high school, I

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<v Speaker 1>know you've dealt with body image issues and disordered eating,

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<v Speaker 1>and particularly when you got pregnant with your son, I

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<v Speaker 1>know that will you put on a hundred pounds, Which

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<v Speaker 1>we're not saying there's any number that you need to

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<v Speaker 1>gain or not gain when you are pregnant. So Cat

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<v Speaker 1>and I are making sure again since we're not experts,

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<v Speaker 1>were just people that you know are coming alongside you like, hey,

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<v Speaker 1>we've been there, and we don't want you to feel alone.

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<v Speaker 1>But I also don't want to say anything triggering. So

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<v Speaker 1>if you're pregnant and you've gained whatever, we don't really

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<v Speaker 1>care the number. But for Cat, that was her number.

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<v Speaker 1>And your grandma's boyfriend said something really tacky to you.

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<v Speaker 1>But I saw a psychology say that if we comment

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<v Speaker 1>on other people's bodies in that type of way, that

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<v Speaker 1>often it's a reflection of ourselves and our own feelings

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<v Speaker 1>about our bodies, which some people are listening, maybe they

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<v Speaker 1>were built more like their dad, and then they had

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<v Speaker 1>other family members or someone say, oh, well, really built

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<v Speaker 1>like your dad, aren't you, And then that was very

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<v Speaker 1>damaging to them, and it's more like, Okay, why do

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<v Speaker 1>you even have to say that? Why is there's this

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<v Speaker 1>feminine look and then this masculine look and that why

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<v Speaker 1>is there even a comment about what my body looks

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<v Speaker 1>like and my build because it's not like you would

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<v Speaker 1>go up to the one that was maybe potentially, I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know. I'm just saying like, built like the mom,

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<v Speaker 1>because that would sound kind of creepy if you're like, oh, hey,

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<v Speaker 1>looks like you really got your mom's figure. You know.

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<v Speaker 1>It's like, so tell us what grandma's boyfriend said. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>first of all, when you say that, you know, my

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<v Speaker 1>favorite thing is what you say about me says more

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<v Speaker 1>about you. It says about me. That's right, Thanks for

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<v Speaker 1>the projection. But no. So, I was at a basketball game,

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<v Speaker 1>Duke basketball game, with my grandmother and her boyfriend, about

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<v Speaker 1>probably seven months pregnant or so, and he thought it

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<v Speaker 1>would be okay to say, well, look at mighty husky,

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<v Speaker 1>aren't you? And you know I wasn't feeling amazing about

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<v Speaker 1>myself at the time. Um, And then he proceeded to

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<v Speaker 1>tell me how thin his wife got during her five

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<v Speaker 1>pregnancies and how she lost seventeen pounds but had these

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<v Speaker 1>healthy babies just just bizarre, like, So I'm sitting there

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<v Speaker 1>just this is my nightmare. You know, you've ruined the

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<v Speaker 1>duke game, and so how did you respond? Just? I

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<v Speaker 1>probably was yeah, just took it like and unfortunately, um,

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<v Speaker 1>my husband was with me, and so I could vent

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<v Speaker 1>to him like what in the f is happening here?

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<v Speaker 1>And I just tune I mean, he's the type person though,

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<v Speaker 1>like your irrelevant, will tune you out a bit, I know.

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<v Speaker 1>But it's something about sometimes older generations post war, if

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<v Speaker 1>you fall into that category, it's like, oh, I'm just

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<v Speaker 1>going to say whatever. I'm thinking whatever. Yeah, they were

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<v Speaker 1>kind of a ruthless bunch, but I will say I think, um,

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<v Speaker 1>we've talked about the millennials and that younger generation, like

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<v Speaker 1>they are we're shifting it. Yes, yes, yes, it is.

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<v Speaker 1>It is changing. And that's why I think it's just

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<v Speaker 1>good to have this conversation because if you get triggered

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<v Speaker 1>in any way by stuff that comes up, it's like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>you can remember I'm not the only person that this

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<v Speaker 1>has happened too, and it is really the other person's problem,

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<v Speaker 1>not mine, and then hopefully you can take the steps

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<v Speaker 1>to work through it yourself. And but I know you

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<v Speaker 1>were also in a romantic relationship. When you were pregnant

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<v Speaker 1>and had put on weight, you weren't feeling probably your

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<v Speaker 1>most confident, But then there was a time where you

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<v Speaker 1>were loving yourself like you were like, I am feeling

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<v Speaker 1>good right now, and it still wasn't good enough for

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<v Speaker 1>someone in your life. Right right at that point, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>fueling well, I'm feeling the best I ever had, feeling

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<v Speaker 1>like um with all the good foods you wanted, and

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<v Speaker 1>that we're nourishing to your body well and to me.

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<v Speaker 1>I still and I still sometimes have this thought of

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<v Speaker 1>I'm eating. Do you ever have that, Oh my gosh,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm eating. I ate a full day's worth of food

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<v Speaker 1>and it's amazing. Eating adequately is what I like to

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<v Speaker 1>call it. Okay, you are much more educated than this

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<v Speaker 1>department than I am on terminology. No, but just so

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<v Speaker 1>much in my recovery and truly getting into it. Step

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<v Speaker 1>one was eat adequately because I spent so much time restricting,

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<v Speaker 1>and so it was almost a daily mantra for me

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<v Speaker 1>when I first started my recovery. Eat adequately, eat adequately,

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<v Speaker 1>Eat adequately, because if you're not, then my body is

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<v Speaker 1>not getting the calories and the fuel and the like

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<v Speaker 1>you said, fueling your body like you were fueling your body.

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<v Speaker 1>And so I knew that if I wanted to make

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<v Speaker 1>it past the binge restrict cycle that I was on,

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<v Speaker 1>I needed to eat adequately. So you're fueling your body

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<v Speaker 1>properly and feeling good. Right. So at this point when

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<v Speaker 1>after I had yet and I'm feeling really good about myself, like,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my gosh, I'm eating, and this person had the

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<v Speaker 1>nerve to say things like you need to do more

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<v Speaker 1>squats and lunges and really pack on the muscle and weight.

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<v Speaker 1>And it was a toxic relationship though, you know, like

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<v Speaker 1>our red flags where it sent me into a frenzy

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<v Speaker 1>because all I wanted was approval, you know, But then

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<v Speaker 1>why does it matter? I I had that approval from myself.

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<v Speaker 1>I loved where I was, And it's a shame that

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<v Speaker 1>my mind still wasn't strong enough at that point where

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<v Speaker 1>I let him control get in there and get in

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<v Speaker 1>their control and and shut myself a steam down. So

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<v Speaker 1>do you think if that was said to you at

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<v Speaker 1>this point in your life, how would you respond to

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<v Speaker 1>it differently? I just don't care. I just I have

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<v Speaker 1>lost all desire to care, no energy. But you do

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<v Speaker 1>care about life? You mean you just don't. You're not

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<v Speaker 1>going to care what someone else about. Like, I know

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<v Speaker 1>where I've been, I know how far I've come, I

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<v Speaker 1>know why I look the way that I do. Right now,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm good on comments, And so if you have anybody

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<v Speaker 1>in your life that's commenting on your body and you

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<v Speaker 1>don't like it, well you can do your best to

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<v Speaker 1>change the conversation, like, hey, I don't really want to

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<v Speaker 1>talk about this right now, and you can totally change

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<v Speaker 1>the topic. Can I say that? I would say be

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<v Speaker 1>honest because I went through a period of where I

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<v Speaker 1>would just stay quiet then have conflict, but then I

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<v Speaker 1>feel like the only person that harmed was me. So

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<v Speaker 1>maybe you can gently be honest and say, hey, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>I'm struggling in this department. And when you say that,

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<v Speaker 1>you're just amplifying what I'm going through. Yeah, you can

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<v Speaker 1>assess if that's a relationship where you feel like you

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<v Speaker 1>can say that, because yeah, that's gonna be what starts

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<v Speaker 1>to make. It's like one conversation at a time, one

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<v Speaker 1>step at a time leads towards change, and one conversation

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<v Speaker 1>at a time, So I like that you said that.

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<v Speaker 1>It's instead of changing the topic quickly, just say, look,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't like you commenting about my body, or I

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<v Speaker 1>really would rather not talk about food today or what

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<v Speaker 1>I'm eating or what I should be eating, because it

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<v Speaker 1>could be comments about food, not necessarily comments about body.

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<v Speaker 1>People like to make comments about all kinds of things.

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<v Speaker 1>So we hope that this is just helpful in you

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<v Speaker 1>knowing again that you're not alone and there are ways

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<v Speaker 1>out of the conversation. You don't have to sit there

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<v Speaker 1>and just take it, especially if Grandma's boyfriend's really given

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<v Speaker 1>it to you talking about how his wife, Yeah, how good,

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<v Speaker 1>and then she looks her pregnancies. Yeah. And it's just

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<v Speaker 1>interesting how as a society losing weight equals good and

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<v Speaker 1>gaining weight equals bad, sort of like how we put

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<v Speaker 1>a label on foods. This food equals good and this

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<v Speaker 1>food equals bad, and there really is no moral value

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<v Speaker 1>in those things. So just remember that there's no moral value.

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<v Speaker 1>There's two takeaways from this, actually three. You can walk

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<v Speaker 1>away from conversations, but also at the same time, you

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<v Speaker 1>can be honest about why you're done with that conversation.

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<v Speaker 1>You need to eat adequately, and then also remind yourself

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<v Speaker 1>there's no moral value around food and body. There's just not.

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<v Speaker 1>Just because people are different sizes doesn't mean some people

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<v Speaker 1>are better than others. Before we go, I just want

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<v Speaker 1>people to know one thing. Just remember, no one person

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<v Speaker 1>has it all. I like that quote, thank you, no

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<v Speaker 1>one person has it all. Say it again, no one

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<v Speaker 1>person has it all. I hope y'all are having the

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<v Speaker 1>day that you need to have and I will see

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<v Speaker 1>y'all on Tuesday for the fifth thing with therapy Cat

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<v Speaker 1>instead of Cryo Cat. And everyone like and subscribe post

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<v Speaker 1>your Instagram. Oh thanks Cat, You're welcome. So supportive by