1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor Dim here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:38,600 Speaker 2: On this week's episode In her Space, my sticky. 12 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,360 Speaker 3: Notes would sometimes reflect that as well, so that I 13 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:46,519 Speaker 3: would constantly be reminded of who I am, but also 14 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,400 Speaker 3: who I'm striving to be. 15 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:52,120 Speaker 2: That is so powerful and don when you think about it, 16 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,200 Speaker 2: like at first, it could feel uncomfortable, it could feel weird, 17 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,680 Speaker 2: and you'd be like, oh my gosh, this isn't going 18 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,320 Speaker 2: to work or this is awkward. 19 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 3: Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting women 20 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:09,960 Speaker 3: like you. We're your hosts Doctor Dominique Broussard, a college 21 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:12,240 Speaker 3: professor and psychologist. 22 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,040 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. 23 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:20,360 Speaker 4: In a world where black women are often misrepresented, and misunderstood. 24 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:25,520 Speaker 4: Please join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything 25 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:29,120 Speaker 4: from fibroids to fake friends, and create a safe space 26 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,240 Speaker 4: where black women can just be. 27 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 3: Hey, lady, it's doctor Dom here from the Herspace podcast. 28 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 3: Do you have a burning question you're dying to get 29 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 3: feedback on? Do you want an unbiased perspective on a 30 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 3: situation you're facing? If so, visit her spacepodcast dot com 31 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 3: and click ask doctor Dom under the start here option. 32 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 3: Every Tuesday, I'll choose a few questions and answer them 33 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:03,040 Speaker 3: at random. Our quote of the day comes to us 34 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:07,920 Speaker 3: from our very own terry. If someone overheard your internal dialogue, 35 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 3: what would they think? How you talk to yourself and 36 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:16,640 Speaker 3: how you talk about yourself is impacting the way you show. 37 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:19,280 Speaker 2: Up in the world. Put some respect on your name. 38 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:31,919 Speaker 5: Okay, okay, So, see that quote, to me, speaks to affirmations, 39 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:36,200 Speaker 5: It speaks to speaking things into existence. 40 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 3: It touches on quite a bit. So talk to me 41 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,480 Speaker 3: about what inspired that quote. 42 00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 2: Okay, okay. So when I think about this quote, Dom, 43 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,360 Speaker 2: it actually makes me a little emotional because I think 44 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 2: about why I had to get to this place, why 45 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,760 Speaker 2: I had to be mindful of my thoughts, and so 46 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,880 Speaker 2: I was actually chatting with my sister recently. We were 47 00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:01,440 Speaker 2: thinking about our upbringing and what we heard in our household. 48 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,600 Speaker 2: And to paint the picture for you, and really, I 49 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:07,320 Speaker 2: just want you to understand, like why this is such 50 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 2: an important topic for me. And it's really because being 51 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:15,360 Speaker 2: verbally abused really destroyed my self esteem and confidence. And 52 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,040 Speaker 2: so you know, people see me today and I may 53 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 2: look and appears, you know, super confident and secure. And 54 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,280 Speaker 2: I am today even though I have moments of you know, 55 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,480 Speaker 2: uncertainty and things like that. But when I tell you 56 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,720 Speaker 2: that my confidence low self esteem was as low as 57 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 2: you can even imagine, I mean it was so low, 58 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,080 Speaker 2: like I actually hated myself, Like I did not like to, 59 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 2: you know, look in the mirror. I was so uncomfortable 60 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,360 Speaker 2: in my skin. And to give you no idea of 61 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 2: why that was the case, I'll paint just a little 62 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 2: picture for you so you can understand what I experienced 63 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 2: on ongoing basis. When I was in fifth grade, I 64 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,160 Speaker 2: was living in San Diego at the time, and my 65 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:55,760 Speaker 2: mom and dad had came up to my school for 66 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,920 Speaker 2: a parent teacher conference. It was an empty classroom. My mom, 67 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 2: my dad, and missus Jones, and I was there and 68 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,160 Speaker 2: Missus Jones was giving them a report on my behavior, 69 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:08,240 Speaker 2: and I remember her pointing to my desk to show 70 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,680 Speaker 2: my parents where my desk was. And in our household 71 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,520 Speaker 2: everything was neat and tidy. My desk not so much. 72 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 3: Now. 73 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 2: I remember my mom giving me this look and I 74 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,240 Speaker 2: was like, oh shit. I was like, I'm probably gonna 75 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:21,480 Speaker 2: get in trouble. And then missus Jones also shared with 76 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,359 Speaker 2: my parents a note that I had written to a 77 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,520 Speaker 2: little boy, some little fresh ass. No, I wrote a 78 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,880 Speaker 2: little love letter. And I was like, oh damn, she 79 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,479 Speaker 2: snitched on and this Jones was snitching but for me. 80 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:34,880 Speaker 2: Dom in that parent teacher conference, my mom reached over 81 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 2: and she punched me dead in my face in the 82 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:40,280 Speaker 2: parent teacher conference. So a fifth grader experiencing that in 83 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,800 Speaker 2: front of a teacher. My dad didn't really do much. 84 00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 2: But that, I hope gives you an idea of just 85 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,680 Speaker 2: how low I was, because that was something that would 86 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,360 Speaker 2: happen on a frequent basis. 87 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,559 Speaker 3: So that's not just verbal abuse. That's beyond verbal abuse. 88 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,640 Speaker 3: That's physical. I was going to say verbal and physical 89 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:03,520 Speaker 3: mm hm. Only imagine like what you were feeling at 90 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 3: that time. But what did the teacher do? What did 91 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:08,240 Speaker 3: missus Jones do? 92 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,840 Speaker 2: Honestly, she didn't do anything. I was telling my sister 93 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 2: about the story too, and she was like, dang, daddy 94 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,400 Speaker 2: didn't do anything. And you know one thing, my dad, 95 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 2: bless his heart, he used to always say like, don't 96 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 2: hit them in the face. Like he would say things 97 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,560 Speaker 2: like don't don't do that. I didn't have to be 98 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,240 Speaker 2: that extreme like but it wasn't enough. It didn't save 99 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:25,279 Speaker 2: us and so much Jones. She didn't report it, from 100 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,320 Speaker 2: what I remember, didn't nobody call her home or come 101 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,320 Speaker 2: to check on me or see if everything was okay. 102 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,320 Speaker 2: And I remember in that moment, I just felt like 103 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,080 Speaker 2: a piece of shit. I just felt like a failure. 104 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,400 Speaker 2: And I was like, damn. You know, all of the 105 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 2: feelings in the angle that I would have had told 106 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,279 Speaker 2: my mom I probably had a little bit I directed 107 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 2: it to myself. And so that just gives you a 108 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:47,400 Speaker 2: little glimpse on if that's happening at a parent teacher conference, 109 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,479 Speaker 2: I imagine what's happening on our day to day. So 110 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,359 Speaker 2: when I tell you that my self esteem and the 111 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 2: self hate that I had was extremely low. I mean, 112 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:56,560 Speaker 2: I shouldn't be where I am today. I shouldn't have 113 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,320 Speaker 2: the confidence that I have today. And so that's why 114 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,080 Speaker 2: this quote and this top is so important to me, 115 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 2: because if I can overcome that, and if I can 116 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:11,599 Speaker 2: find self love and use positive words, I'm trying not 117 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 2: to cry, y'all, but I'm trying to. You know, if 118 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,480 Speaker 2: I can do that, then there's hope for anyone out there. 119 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,479 Speaker 2: So if you don't love yourself, if you, you know, 120 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,760 Speaker 2: think badly about yourself, if you are looking in the 121 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,839 Speaker 2: mirror and you're like, fuck, I really don't see anything beautiful. 122 00:06:22,839 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 2: I really don't see anything that I like. I don't 123 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,800 Speaker 2: have any features that I like. I don't like my skin, 124 00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:28,600 Speaker 2: I don't like my hair. If you're in that space, 125 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:33,040 Speaker 2: boo boo, we got you, okay, because there is hope. 126 00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:37,719 Speaker 3: I want everyone listening to be clear that what you 127 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:47,200 Speaker 3: experienced is not okay, and it's never okay. And teachers, therapists, 128 00:06:47,279 --> 00:06:50,479 Speaker 3: there are a lot of professionals out there who interact 129 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:58,159 Speaker 3: with children who are mandated reporters, and unfortunately, your teacher. 130 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:02,120 Speaker 3: I don't know what the laws were back then, but 131 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,240 Speaker 3: what I know is that now your teacher would have 132 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:09,800 Speaker 3: been mandated to report, and for her to witness that 133 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 3: and still not report that is still problematic. And my 134 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 3: guess and my hope is that somewhere along the line 135 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:26,000 Speaker 3: some of the other abuse was reported and that there 136 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,080 Speaker 3: was some intervention. Because one of the things too, that 137 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:33,800 Speaker 3: it's important for us to also recognize is that even 138 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 3: when there's reports of past abuse, the goal of mandate 139 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,000 Speaker 3: reporter is to make sure that no one else is 140 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:41,960 Speaker 3: currently in danger. 141 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,240 Speaker 2: That's a really good point too, because as a person 142 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 2: that works with youth and typically the motivational speaking capacity, 143 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,000 Speaker 2: I am now a mandated reporter, so I've had to 144 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:54,200 Speaker 2: actually report instances where a student will come up to 145 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 2: me after a speech and I'm like, oh, I was 146 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:59,080 Speaker 2: sexually assaulted or I was abused. I've actually had to 147 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,760 Speaker 2: do that, and it's not it's not easy. It's difficult, 148 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 2: especially when the child doesn't want you to tell, but 149 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,960 Speaker 2: you're like, you know, I usually try to tell them before, 150 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,520 Speaker 2: like before you say anything. I do have to report 151 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 2: anything that fits within these guidelines so that they know 152 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 2: I want to create a safe space for you. But 153 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 2: I also have to do my job so I don't 154 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:15,920 Speaker 2: get in trouble, So. 155 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,080 Speaker 3: Team, just to clarify because I know we're having this 156 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:23,640 Speaker 3: conversation about like mandated reporting and also you're sharing your 157 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 3: disclosing to us that you were abused as a kid. 158 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:34,080 Speaker 3: Was there ever any reports made on your behalf or 159 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,199 Speaker 3: your siblings behalf? 160 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,320 Speaker 2: There was, so I can't remember exactly when it happened, 161 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:41,559 Speaker 2: someone did make a report and my mom was held 162 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:42,720 Speaker 2: accountable for that. 163 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:47,800 Speaker 3: Okay, And did you all ever get any therapy or 164 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:51,000 Speaker 3: any support when that was happening, like once that report 165 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:51,600 Speaker 3: was filed. 166 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 2: I never got therapy, but I noticed that at the 167 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,480 Speaker 2: older I got, things did get better. And luckily my 168 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,680 Speaker 2: siblings they have a very different experience from what I had. 169 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:02,839 Speaker 3: But I think the thing that we want to make 170 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 3: sure that we clarify is that even though your teacher, 171 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,560 Speaker 3: Miss Jones at the time didn't file a report, that 172 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:15,480 Speaker 3: because the abuse continued, at some point someone did file 173 00:09:15,559 --> 00:09:20,439 Speaker 3: a report on your behalf and action was taken to 174 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:21,800 Speaker 3: correct your mom's behavior. 175 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:25,680 Speaker 2: Absolutely, I appreciate you just validating that, Diamond. Just to 176 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,800 Speaker 2: talk to that experience. One of the things that I've 177 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:31,800 Speaker 2: done in therapy and as I've heard as I'm working 178 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,680 Speaker 2: on healing my inner child is going back to that moment, 179 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 2: replaying that moment and seeing my adult self, like visualizing 180 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,440 Speaker 2: my adult self saving myself in that moment. And so 181 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:43,400 Speaker 2: it still brings up a lot of emotions because it's 182 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 2: still my experience. It's still something that I've had to 183 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,200 Speaker 2: live with an experience, and it brings up just a 184 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,720 Speaker 2: lot of the feelings that I had at that moment. 185 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,720 Speaker 2: But I'm constantly working on improving and healing that little terry. 186 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,640 Speaker 2: And so as you're. 187 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:01,080 Speaker 3: Working on healing that little terry, what is some of 188 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,920 Speaker 3: the work that you've done in terms of your words 189 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 3: and other actions that you've taken to kind of heal yourself. 190 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,920 Speaker 2: Well, I would say the first thing I had to 191 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,480 Speaker 2: do was realize that one there's an internal dialogue that's 192 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,560 Speaker 2: going on in my mind, whether I control it or not. 193 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 2: And I think one of the biggest moments for me 194 00:10:18,559 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 2: was realizing that after the abuse had stopped, after the 195 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,240 Speaker 2: physical and verbal you stopped, after you know, the bullies 196 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,439 Speaker 2: at school stopped saying stuff to me, after everyone else 197 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:30,560 Speaker 2: stopped their negative talk, I realized that it was still 198 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,319 Speaker 2: happening on an internal level. 199 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:32,600 Speaker 4: Now. 200 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,559 Speaker 2: I remember being in grad school and in college actually, 201 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,760 Speaker 2: and I remember just being by myself and I would 202 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,679 Speaker 2: have all I'd have like a replay. It was like 203 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:42,120 Speaker 2: a movie playing in my mind where instead of hearing 204 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,160 Speaker 2: it come from that person's voice, it was now me, 205 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,560 Speaker 2: you're so dumb, you're so stupid, you make a mistake, idiot, dummy. 206 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 2: All that stuff that used to be said to me 207 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:52,640 Speaker 2: is now me saying it to myself. So now I've 208 00:10:52,679 --> 00:10:55,480 Speaker 2: become my own bully. And so what I had to 209 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,800 Speaker 2: do first was realize that baby girl, which is what 210 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,559 Speaker 2: I call myself. That's like, there we go. That's an example, right, 211 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:03,280 Speaker 2: there is that of calling myself but dumby and all 212 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,080 Speaker 2: this other stuff. I refer to myself internally as baby girls. 213 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,040 Speaker 2: So I'm like, baby girl, there's something going on inside. 214 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:12,400 Speaker 2: There's a dialogue that you aren't participating in, right, It's 215 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,600 Speaker 2: something that's kind of on replay based on what I've 216 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,200 Speaker 2: heard in the past. So after realizing that there's an 217 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,800 Speaker 2: internal dialogue, I did research. I'm like, what can I 218 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:23,080 Speaker 2: do to reprogram myself? And so for me, there's this book. 219 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,240 Speaker 2: It was an amazing book in my journey, and it's 220 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:31,680 Speaker 2: called self Esteem, A proven program of cognitive Techniques for assessing, improving, 221 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,120 Speaker 2: and maintaining your self esteem. And this is a book 222 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:37,560 Speaker 2: that I read in grad school and it was so 223 00:11:37,679 --> 00:11:40,000 Speaker 2: amazing for me because what it did was it walked 224 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,480 Speaker 2: through the nature of self esteem. It walks through the 225 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,280 Speaker 2: critic that we have in our head where that comes about. 226 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,920 Speaker 2: It talks about disarming the critic and also providing an 227 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,679 Speaker 2: accurate self assessment. And I'll give you an example down 228 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,199 Speaker 2: on one of the things that the books shared with me. So, 229 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,440 Speaker 2: weight has always been an issue for me. I've always 230 00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,199 Speaker 2: been very small. I've always been like the time this 231 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,120 Speaker 2: person out of my frame movement. I've always wanted to 232 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,760 Speaker 2: gain weight, and so I used to always say, you know, damn, 233 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,760 Speaker 2: I'm too skinny. You know, I look like a stick. 234 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,720 Speaker 2: And I would say things like that. Now when it 235 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,640 Speaker 2: comes to the accurate self assessment with this book told 236 00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:14,839 Speaker 2: me to do was okay, instead of adding judgment to 237 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,520 Speaker 2: the worst that you say about yourself, instead of using 238 00:12:17,559 --> 00:12:20,520 Speaker 2: these often exaggerated terms. Right, because if you look at 239 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 2: a stick and you look yourself, you're not really a stick. 240 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 2: Let's be accurate and factual. So you are five to 241 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,560 Speaker 2: five and you weigh one hundred and twenty five pounds. 242 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,240 Speaker 2: That's a fact. Now, if you want to gain weight, okay, 243 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,480 Speaker 2: that's fine. We can focus on gaining weight. But let's 244 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 2: put some respects on your name. Okay, it's not that 245 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,360 Speaker 2: you know your nose is the size of whatever a 246 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,080 Speaker 2: big item is. Maybe you have a big nose and 247 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 2: people have always teached you about that. Okay, No, let's 248 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,559 Speaker 2: just say that your nose is actually just a prominent 249 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,560 Speaker 2: figure on your face. Like, we're not going to get 250 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:55,240 Speaker 2: caught up in beating ourselves down and adding these adjectives 251 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,720 Speaker 2: that are unnecessary. We're just going to be factual. So 252 00:12:58,760 --> 00:12:59,560 Speaker 2: that was another thing. 253 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,360 Speaker 3: I haven't utilized this book, but one of the things 254 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:06,280 Speaker 3: that I can tell from my just quick glance and 255 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,920 Speaker 3: review of the book is that these cognitive techniques are 256 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:13,560 Speaker 3: therapy based. So this is based in psychology, This is 257 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:17,800 Speaker 3: in psychological science. These are things that some therapists, depending 258 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:22,480 Speaker 3: on their therapeutic approach, would also kind of advise you 259 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:26,200 Speaker 3: to utilize those strategies. 260 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,840 Speaker 2: Hands down absolutely, And for me, one of the big 261 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:33,080 Speaker 2: things was affirmations. Affirmations, but also I used to put 262 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,640 Speaker 2: words around my apartment and it's so funny because my 263 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 2: husband and I met back then and we were dating, 264 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,760 Speaker 2: and he would come to my place like, yo, what 265 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 2: is she like. I'm sure he was thinking like she 266 00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:43,360 Speaker 2: has all these words around, but I didn't give a 267 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,480 Speaker 2: uck who was coming over, Like this is what I 268 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,560 Speaker 2: need to do to program myself, so it would happen 269 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,560 Speaker 2: next to the mirror, I am beautiful, I am worthy. 270 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,520 Speaker 2: Just all kinds of positive words around me, so when 271 00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:56,600 Speaker 2: I wake up, I see it constantly. Also, I did 272 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 2: a lot of looking in the mirror and just being like, 273 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:03,000 Speaker 2: you're enough, I love you, You're beautiful, just constantly saying 274 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,400 Speaker 2: those things. And the thing about my experience with those 275 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,400 Speaker 2: positive affirmations and the words around the room, I felt 276 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:12,240 Speaker 2: super silly. I was also like, this shit ain't gonna work. 277 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 2: Why am I doing this? But then I had to 278 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 2: shift my perspective. You got to do something different to 279 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,199 Speaker 2: get something different, and I was in desperate lead of 280 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:19,560 Speaker 2: something different exactly. 281 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 3: And I think, you know, we talked about this in 282 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:25,400 Speaker 3: the previous episode too. I did the same thing. I 283 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,760 Speaker 3: had those sticky notes and I had actually like one 284 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,440 Speaker 3: of the things that I liked, and I still do 285 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,040 Speaker 3: this and give this to students today. Is I had 286 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,960 Speaker 3: heart shaped sticky notes, and so because for me that 287 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 3: that was also symbolic of self love. Yes, And so 288 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,240 Speaker 3: I would have sticky notes, and I put my sticky 289 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:48,040 Speaker 3: notes in my bathroom around the mirror in my bathroom, 290 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 3: so that anytime I went to the bathroom, I had 291 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:55,240 Speaker 3: no choice but to see those words. I couldn't ignore them. 292 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:59,760 Speaker 3: I mean technically could kind of we did come back 293 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,520 Speaker 3: to but you will, yeah, because the thing is, you 294 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,920 Speaker 3: can't ignore them. I had like twenty different like heart 295 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:09,080 Speaker 3: shaped sticky notes in my bathroom mirror, and for me 296 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 3: that was helpful to see those words. And sometimes it 297 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,800 Speaker 3: wasn't like a phrase of like I am enough. Sometimes 298 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:20,720 Speaker 3: it was words about like you're smart, so it would 299 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:25,800 Speaker 3: just say smart. Or it may have something like an 300 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:31,920 Speaker 3: action or like dancer. Dancing ain't my ministry, right, It's 301 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:36,040 Speaker 3: really not. But if that was something that I was 302 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,240 Speaker 3: working on, a goal that I had, then my sticky 303 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:42,320 Speaker 3: notes would sometimes reflect that as well, so that I 304 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 3: would constantly be reminded of. 305 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,440 Speaker 2: Who I am but also who I'm striving to be. 306 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:53,040 Speaker 2: That is so powerful and don when you think about it, 307 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:56,160 Speaker 2: like at first, it could feel uncomfortable. It could feel weird, 308 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,840 Speaker 2: and you'd be like, oh my gosh, this isn't gonna 309 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 2: work or this is awkward. But I think think it's 310 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,240 Speaker 2: important to note that Mommy may have done something, Daddy 311 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,760 Speaker 2: may have done something, Uncle Tommy may have done something. 312 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,000 Speaker 2: We may have been victims by other people in our family, 313 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,960 Speaker 2: But at this point in our life, we have to 314 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,240 Speaker 2: make a decision on okay, based on what happened to me. 315 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,160 Speaker 2: What am I going to do to turn my story around? 316 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:16,400 Speaker 4: Right? 317 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,880 Speaker 2: I could have lived a life where I just cried 318 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,480 Speaker 2: about what they did to me. Oh, Daddy wasn't there, 319 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 2: Mommy wasn't there, or you know, Grandma did this and 320 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 2: Grandpa did that, and that's kind of putting myself in 321 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,400 Speaker 2: the victim mentality, and then that doesn't give me an 322 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:33,360 Speaker 2: opportunity to own my story. So my thing was, Okay, yes, 323 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,960 Speaker 2: you know, mommy did this, Daddy may have not done that, 324 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,560 Speaker 2: my teacher didn't do this. Now that I have the 325 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,360 Speaker 2: car from the table, what am I going to do? 326 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,640 Speaker 2: How am I going to participate in this story? Am 327 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,080 Speaker 2: I going to continue to repeat these narratives that don't 328 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 2: serve me? 329 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:46,160 Speaker 1: Right? 330 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,000 Speaker 2: Because even after you become a victim, you can revictimize yourself. 331 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,480 Speaker 2: You have to take responsibility at some point and realize 332 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 2: that I now have ownership of my story. What am 333 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,360 Speaker 2: I going to do? The balls in my court? So 334 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,920 Speaker 2: I decided to do the affirmations. I will also say 335 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:01,600 Speaker 2: that when I did them and I read them, I 336 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:02,880 Speaker 2: didn't always believe them. 337 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,600 Speaker 3: That's real, and that happens for a lot of people. 338 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 3: And the thing is is that it takes time. That 339 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:13,280 Speaker 3: it's not going to happen overnight. It's not going to 340 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,640 Speaker 3: be okay. I have these sticky notes up and I'm 341 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,879 Speaker 3: looking at these sticky notes every day, and in a 342 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:24,720 Speaker 3: week I should miraculously have high self esteem. That's not 343 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:31,240 Speaker 3: the reality. It took you twenty one years of being 344 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:36,920 Speaker 3: in a place where you were being physically, verbally, emotionally abused. 345 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:42,520 Speaker 3: It could take that long to get out of that cycle. 346 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,159 Speaker 3: Another episode we talk about like everybody's journey is unique. 347 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:55,680 Speaker 3: So your journey to healing may take years, it may 348 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 3: take months. It's not going to take a couple of days. 349 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,719 Speaker 3: And he is to be compassionate with yourself and to 350 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 3: be patient with yourself, and to know that you may 351 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,600 Speaker 3: take ten steps forward and then something may happen that 352 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:13,159 Speaker 3: may bring you fifteen steps back. That doesn't mean that 353 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:17,040 Speaker 3: you stay fifteen steps back. You remind yourself of what 354 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:21,760 Speaker 3: steps you took to get those ten steps ahead and 355 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:25,560 Speaker 3: engage in the process again. And it can be hard, 356 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,120 Speaker 3: but you do it. And I think the thing too 357 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:34,680 Speaker 3: is allowing the people who truly support you to really 358 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,440 Speaker 3: step in and support you end those moments. Right, So, 359 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,159 Speaker 3: like I think about, like you mentioned having those sticky 360 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,600 Speaker 3: notes up when you and your husband first started dating. 361 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:50,400 Speaker 3: Obviously he's your husband now, so you may have had 362 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,520 Speaker 3: some awkward moments at first about him seeing those sticky 363 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,000 Speaker 3: notes up, right, and he may have had some questions, 364 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,960 Speaker 3: but again because he's obviously your husband now, he was 365 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 3: supportive assumption. 366 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,600 Speaker 2: Absolutely, I would definitely agree with that, Donald, and he 367 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,879 Speaker 2: was supportive of that. And at that point in like, 368 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 2: I was choosing me. So my two years in grad school, 369 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,520 Speaker 2: that was a period of time where I dedicate to 370 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,199 Speaker 2: my personal development where it was the first time in 371 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,879 Speaker 2: life where I was living by myself. I didn't have 372 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,879 Speaker 2: a roommate, I didn't have other people or family, or 373 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:20,639 Speaker 2: I was two hours away from home. I wasn't in 374 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,240 Speaker 2: a place where I could drown out my internal thoughts 375 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:26,280 Speaker 2: with people or things. I was really by myself for 376 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,439 Speaker 2: the first time, and so I was kind of forced 377 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,040 Speaker 2: to just yo, I'm kind of like it stuck in 378 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,879 Speaker 2: this place with Terry. So I kind of got to 379 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,000 Speaker 2: learn to love her right. And I knew that if 380 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,840 Speaker 2: I didn't truly love myself, I could see myself because 381 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,760 Speaker 2: I just goten out of a toxic relationship, I could 382 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,919 Speaker 2: see myself going back into the same cycle, putting up 383 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,480 Speaker 2: with some man's bullshit because I didn't truly love myself. 384 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,359 Speaker 2: So at that point, I was like, I don't care 385 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,560 Speaker 2: who doesn't agree with this. I'm doing it for me. 386 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,879 Speaker 2: And when I think about how this works, right, there 387 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,120 Speaker 2: may be a lady out there like, well, I don't 388 00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:54,280 Speaker 2: think it's going to work. It's like the gym. You 389 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,400 Speaker 2: go to the gym for three days, you're not going 390 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,800 Speaker 2: to see any results. You don't ask your body, well, 391 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:01,840 Speaker 2: how was this muscle here and what exactly is happening 392 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:04,760 Speaker 2: internally for this to No, you just do it. You 393 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,600 Speaker 2: show up for yourself, and when you look at yourself 394 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,320 Speaker 2: thirty days, sixty days, ninety days, that's when I really 395 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:13,199 Speaker 2: started to see changes from the gym. I swear to you, 396 00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:15,240 Speaker 2: I remember it like it was yesterday. I feel like 397 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,360 Speaker 2: I woke up one day and I was like, oh 398 00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:19,600 Speaker 2: my god, I'm confident. I forgot that I was even 399 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 2: in that space, and I was like, oh my gosh, 400 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,679 Speaker 2: it's so different now. But it's work. You have to 401 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:24,800 Speaker 2: be willing to do the work. 402 00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 3: And I think the thing too with that, if we're 403 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,879 Speaker 3: going to stay with our gym analogy, is that I 404 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:35,040 Speaker 3: think about coming off of the holidays, and during the holidays, 405 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:39,800 Speaker 3: I suck at my gym workouts, right, And when I 406 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,280 Speaker 3: say suck, I mean like my gym routine is probably 407 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:48,439 Speaker 3: next to nonexistent during the holidays. But then like after 408 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,800 Speaker 3: the holidays are over and I'm back into my normal routine, 409 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,920 Speaker 3: going to the gym becomes like clockwork again. It becomes 410 00:20:55,960 --> 00:21:00,560 Speaker 3: so easy to get back into that routine. So and 411 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:04,280 Speaker 3: even in those moments during the holidays where I'm like, oh, 412 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,560 Speaker 3: I'm not really working out, like I do have those 413 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,399 Speaker 3: times where I'm like, oh wait, maybe I could go 414 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,080 Speaker 3: work out, Like the thought process is still there, like 415 00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:15,960 Speaker 3: the awareness is still there. And so I think the 416 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,040 Speaker 3: thing is is that, in terms of tying us back 417 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:23,520 Speaker 3: into our self esteem and our words becoming our reality. 418 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,680 Speaker 3: Is that there may be times where we do hit 419 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:31,360 Speaker 3: that valley right of our confidence seems to be shaky 420 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:36,399 Speaker 3: or it seems to be nonexistent, but because we've already 421 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,680 Speaker 3: done the work to lay the foundation, we can come 422 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 3: back up again and hit our confidence peak again, and 423 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,359 Speaker 3: then at that point it's up to us to determine 424 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,840 Speaker 3: do we want to stay there and what do we 425 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,200 Speaker 3: need to do to stay there. 426 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,160 Speaker 2: That's so spot on, Domina. It makes me think about 427 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,119 Speaker 2: this quote from Queen Latifa. She was when Queen Latifa 428 00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,679 Speaker 2: had her own show. She had said something on the 429 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,880 Speaker 2: show and she said, no, one is one hundred percent 430 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,440 Speaker 2: one hundred percent of the time. And so even today, 431 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:08,000 Speaker 2: like though my confidence is self esteem is way better 432 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:09,840 Speaker 2: than it was before, and I'm so content with where 433 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,120 Speaker 2: it is, I still have moments of uncertainty. I still 434 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:14,280 Speaker 2: have moments where I feel insecure, or I'm like, oh, 435 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,000 Speaker 2: I don't really look right in the south field, or 436 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,080 Speaker 2: you know, I just don't feel like I'm bringing my 437 00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:20,000 Speaker 2: a game. But I know that I have tools that 438 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,320 Speaker 2: will allow me to get back there. I think that 439 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:24,560 Speaker 2: thirty and the past five years really has hit a 440 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,000 Speaker 2: little different for me as my body is changing, as 441 00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:31,280 Speaker 2: I'm evolving, and I realize, oh, this evolution is self 442 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:35,600 Speaker 2: confidence and self esteem. Think is a lifelong journey because yeah, 443 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,359 Speaker 2: I love twenty year olditary, but now I got to 444 00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:40,600 Speaker 2: continue to love thirty year olditary, forty year old, tary, 445 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:44,080 Speaker 2: fifty year old and continuously doing that for myself. And 446 00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:45,679 Speaker 2: so I think it's just really important for us to 447 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,440 Speaker 2: realize it's a process, right as Down'm always says, trust 448 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 2: the process and realize that you're not going to be 449 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,520 Speaker 2: on one hundred every single day. It really is work. 450 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,920 Speaker 2: And sometimes I've had to pull out the sticky notes 451 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,119 Speaker 2: again and put some more affirmations of it. And I 452 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,600 Speaker 2: remember I was a little discouraged, like, but I already 453 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,480 Speaker 2: did this. I thought I was done with self esteem 454 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,320 Speaker 2: and confidence, and you know, God was like, no, no, no, 455 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,800 Speaker 2: there's more. You still got to do a bit more work. 456 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 2: So yeah, I think it's just important to remember that 457 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,800 Speaker 2: and just speak things that are not as though they were. 458 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,000 Speaker 2: So even if you don't feel it today, you still 459 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,520 Speaker 2: show up for yourself and do the work because energetically 460 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,480 Speaker 2: you're reprogramming yourself. I literally reprogram myself. And so you 461 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,480 Speaker 2: can do that as well, if you show up, if 462 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,720 Speaker 2: you're committed to the process, if you realize it's a 463 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:30,840 Speaker 2: journey and not necessarily this destination that you're going to reach. 464 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,280 Speaker 3: And I would say, as we think about like okay, 465 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,600 Speaker 3: let's narrow down, like what are the exact steps that 466 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:43,160 Speaker 3: we need to take to really make our words into 467 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:47,800 Speaker 3: our reality. So as Terry's mentioned about the self esteem book, 468 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,639 Speaker 3: I think that you can start with that right And 469 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:56,040 Speaker 3: what it does is that allows you to keep track 470 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:59,880 Speaker 3: of your thoughts and when you can see your soul 471 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:03,600 Speaker 3: written out on paper, that allows you to take that 472 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:08,199 Speaker 3: hard look at yourself and say, okay, sis. 473 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,880 Speaker 2: We got some changes we got to make here. 474 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:14,880 Speaker 3: And it also allows you to look at your progress 475 00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:18,399 Speaker 3: over time, so you can see where you were on 476 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:23,160 Speaker 3: day one, where you may be writing some pretty harsh 477 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:27,679 Speaker 3: and negative stuff about yourself, to where you are months 478 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:30,960 Speaker 3: and years from now, and you can see that evolution 479 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:34,800 Speaker 3: and see where you've had peaks and valleys and pick 480 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,879 Speaker 3: up on the patterns. Because one of the things I 481 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:41,800 Speaker 3: love about like keeping thought records is that it really 482 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,680 Speaker 3: allows you to see the pattern. So you may be 483 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:49,639 Speaker 3: someone who has a pattern of around the holidays, my 484 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:52,560 Speaker 3: self esteem gets low because I'm going to visit family 485 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:56,359 Speaker 3: who were the ones who are constantly inflicting those wounds. 486 00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:01,600 Speaker 3: Another pattern could be that around the start of my 487 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:07,199 Speaker 3: menstrual cycle, when my hormones are a little off kilter, 488 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,840 Speaker 3: my self esteem may take a nose dive. 489 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:14,200 Speaker 2: Could be that if I'm having. 490 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:19,639 Speaker 3: Relationship issues, whether that's relationship with my romantic partner or 491 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:23,000 Speaker 3: friends or colleagues or whoever, my. 492 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,560 Speaker 2: Self esteem may take a dive. 493 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:29,639 Speaker 3: And so it'll Keeping that thought record allows you to 494 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:33,320 Speaker 3: really pick up on patterns so that then you can 495 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:39,119 Speaker 3: intervene before the negative thoughts start. The next thing that 496 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:43,520 Speaker 3: we want to do is have our sticky notes so 497 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:47,480 Speaker 3: that we can have our positive affirmations. And you can 498 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:51,880 Speaker 3: decide whether you want those sticky notes in your bathroom, 499 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:56,160 Speaker 3: in your bedroom, on your fridge, wherever you want them. 500 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,359 Speaker 3: But as long as you have those sticky notes to 501 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:02,160 Speaker 3: constantly remind you how to pour into yourself. And then 502 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,960 Speaker 3: the third thing that I would say is to keep 503 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,960 Speaker 3: a journal, and not just so you're keeping your thought record, 504 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:14,359 Speaker 3: but that's separate from your journal. Your journal is like 505 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:19,680 Speaker 3: your narrative. It's your story where you are allowing yourself 506 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,280 Speaker 3: to just free flow, like what are the thoughts that 507 00:26:23,359 --> 00:26:27,320 Speaker 3: are coming up related to events in your life. This 508 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:30,760 Speaker 3: is almost kind of like not just a diary, but 509 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:36,480 Speaker 3: an autobiography. And who knows, maybe ten years from now, 510 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,959 Speaker 3: five years from now, you'll be writing your own book too. 511 00:26:39,359 --> 00:26:42,560 Speaker 2: Ay, there you go, there you go. Let's speak that 512 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:45,160 Speaker 2: into existence. And I love that you said that down 513 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,399 Speaker 2: as far as the affirmations and like just really being 514 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:51,679 Speaker 2: consistent with it, right, Like consistency is really key. And 515 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:53,440 Speaker 2: the other thing I like to really make sure that 516 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,159 Speaker 2: we touched on was when you think about affirmations, you 517 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,080 Speaker 2: always want to focus on the positive. Sometimes we have 518 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:02,119 Speaker 2: a tendency to say, oh, you know, if someone always 519 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:05,080 Speaker 2: calls you ugly, your affirmation might be I'm not ugly. Well, 520 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:08,080 Speaker 2: your brain doesn't really know the difference there because ugly 521 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:09,720 Speaker 2: is still in the word. So we just want to 522 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,600 Speaker 2: focus on the positive. So the affirmation might be I 523 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,560 Speaker 2: am beautiful, right, Or you know, if someone always calls 524 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,159 Speaker 2: you dumb, instead of saying I'm not a dummy, it 525 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,280 Speaker 2: might be you know, I'm smart or I'm worthy. So 526 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,520 Speaker 2: we want to focus on the positive, and I want 527 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,919 Speaker 2: to share two quick examples because math for me is 528 00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,760 Speaker 2: not my subject. I've always struggled with math. 529 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:34,359 Speaker 3: You too, Yeah, I sepreson like girl, yeah, statistics. 530 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:34,920 Speaker 2: It's not my thing. 531 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:35,160 Speaker 3: Right. 532 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:37,440 Speaker 2: And here's the thing. I had bad experiences as a 533 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:41,440 Speaker 2: kid at the dinner table doing math homework. I have 534 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,680 Speaker 2: won't even go into details, but I have some situations 535 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,920 Speaker 2: there that I think contributed to that. Now I am 536 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 2: well aware that I'm holding myself back. So if I 537 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:51,919 Speaker 2: ever wanted to get better at math, I know for 538 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,320 Speaker 2: a fact that I need to reprogare myself. But I'm 539 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:57,320 Speaker 2: not in this place in life where I need to. 540 00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,760 Speaker 2: I can pull up my calculator easily. I don't have 541 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:02,119 Speaker 2: a desire to study it. But I know if there 542 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:04,200 Speaker 2: were ever a chance in life where you know, I 543 00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,320 Speaker 2: would get an opportunity. If I were to die back 544 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:08,240 Speaker 2: into math, I know for a fact that I have 545 00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:10,840 Speaker 2: some personal work to do because I am still holding 546 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,120 Speaker 2: onto that narrative. So you may find there are things 547 00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:15,040 Speaker 2: in life where you're like, you know what, I'm just 548 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,360 Speaker 2: not ready to do that. But you got to understand 549 00:28:17,359 --> 00:28:20,160 Speaker 2: that it's on you, right the balls in your course. 550 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:22,760 Speaker 2: So the math thing, boo that's on me because I'm 551 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,960 Speaker 2: holding myself back. Now we'll talk about dancing. I've always 552 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:29,040 Speaker 2: been that girl where my friends laugh at me because 553 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,399 Speaker 2: I dance in my own rhythm and my rhythm is 554 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,560 Speaker 2: sometimes a little suspect me too, girls, okay too and 555 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:36,720 Speaker 2: they I would always hear people say things like, oh, 556 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:38,320 Speaker 2: you're a black girl, you don't know how to dance, 557 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:39,880 Speaker 2: and I'm like, yes, I do know how to do 558 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:42,480 Speaker 2: like I will really take offense to that. So doing 559 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:46,480 Speaker 2: the twork class for me is in such a huge 560 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:50,920 Speaker 2: confidence boost one but it's also allowing me to reprogram myself. 561 00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:52,640 Speaker 2: So Don and I have talked about us going to 562 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:55,440 Speaker 2: Free the Cheeks, the Twork class and Oakland and I 563 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:57,720 Speaker 2: try to do that every Saturday as my self care. 564 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,280 Speaker 2: And I've been going so much now I'm what they 565 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:04,000 Speaker 2: consider a vintage booty. So sometimes because I've come to 566 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,440 Speaker 2: the class so much, sometimes they'll have me in the front. 567 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,360 Speaker 2: I was so excited that one day when they were like, 568 00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:10,080 Speaker 2: come on, Terry, you're gonna come in the front. And 569 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,440 Speaker 2: depending on how I'm fitting that day, sometimes I'm feeling 570 00:29:12,480 --> 00:29:15,120 Speaker 2: myself and I'll be in there to working. I'll be 571 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:17,920 Speaker 2: getting it other days my confidence isn't as high, and 572 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:19,520 Speaker 2: so I'll try to go to the back. But I 573 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 2: realize that when I get into my head too much, 574 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:25,600 Speaker 2: that's when I mess up. And so it's been it's 575 00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,840 Speaker 2: really taken like positive affirmations and actually just doing the 576 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,600 Speaker 2: work and showing up to dance. That's really helped me, 577 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:34,880 Speaker 2: and the support of my sisters there has also allowed 578 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:37,080 Speaker 2: me to have more confidence doing it. So I don't 579 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:40,080 Speaker 2: say I can't dance anymore, because honestly, I really can dance. 580 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,440 Speaker 2: There are just certain times where rhythm might be a 581 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:45,520 Speaker 2: little too much for me and it's a little difficult 582 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:46,800 Speaker 2: to be coordinated, but it's all good. 583 00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:52,880 Speaker 3: And it really is about tapping into your comfort, zoning 584 00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:58,920 Speaker 3: your flow and where you feel the most confident, because 585 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:02,800 Speaker 3: like you said, in those moments, you might not be 586 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:06,160 Speaker 3: you know, make thee Stallion or Cardi b out there 587 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:11,120 Speaker 3: in these streets, but but you are doing the best 588 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:16,000 Speaker 3: working that Terry can do, and as long as you 589 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:20,440 Speaker 3: feel good about it, that's what really matters. 590 00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:24,480 Speaker 2: Hey girl, Hey, it's Terry here from the Heirspace podcast. 591 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:28,440 Speaker 2: Every Wednesday, I release a Wisdom Wednesday mini episode that 592 00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:31,360 Speaker 2: will give you the quick boost you need to get 593 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:35,280 Speaker 2: you through hump day. Visit herspacepodcast dot com and click 594 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:39,080 Speaker 2: the Wisdom Wednesday with terrylink under start here to get 595 00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,440 Speaker 2: your weekly gems. I hope to see you there. 596 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:46,800 Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us today in her Space. Please note 597 00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:51,280 Speaker 3: that our show may contain conversations about self health, advice, 598 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:55,080 Speaker 3: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no 599 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:58,520 Speaker 3: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal 600 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:03,280 Speaker 3: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you are 601 00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:06,240 Speaker 3: someone you know is in need of mental health care, 602 00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:10,920 Speaker 3: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today 603 00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:13,360 Speaker 3: or contact your insurance provider. 604 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:15,600 Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 605 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:19,000 Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 606 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:23,960 Speaker 2: Twitter at her space podcast, or check out our website 607 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:28,240 Speaker 2: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat 608 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:32,600 Speaker 2: after me, There's something inside of me that's bigger than 609 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:35,960 Speaker 2: any obstacle. We'll see you next week, lady,