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Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and

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Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

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Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new

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Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast which has

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Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now, answer available ever.

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Speaker 1: Rescue your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right

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Speaker 1: now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now. Go

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Speaker 1: listen to see you by. Hey, y'all. So we recorded

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Speaker 1: these episodes before the news about COVID nineteen broke. We

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Speaker 1: wanted to let you know that we are here for you,

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Speaker 1: and we hope that these episodes can bring you a

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Speaker 1: little bit of joy and escape in these uncertain times.

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Speaker 1: A large part about dating, if you're dating with the purpose,

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Speaker 1: is dating someone who parents like you. Dead ass. So

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Speaker 1: you had the foresight to know that I was going

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Speaker 1: to be a good mom, Yes I did. So why

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Speaker 1: you be questioning me sometimes when I parent a certain

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Speaker 1: kind of way because I don't want you to be good.

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Speaker 1: I want you to be great. All right, I'll take

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Speaker 1: that dead ass. Hey. I'm cade And and we're the Ellis.

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Speaker 1: You may know us from posting fundy videos with our

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Speaker 1: boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'm making me derby most days. And one more important

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Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We

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Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's

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Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk

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Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead

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Speaker 1: ass is a term that we say every day. When

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about

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Speaker 1: to take Philow's talk to a whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: as starts now. So this story time is it's almost

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Speaker 1: like I'm telling two stories at once because I remember

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Speaker 1: being this age when my mom was doing the same

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Speaker 1: thing to me that you were doing to Jackson. I

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Speaker 1: walk in the house. This was two weeks ago, and

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Speaker 1: Jackson had some homework that he needed to do. Now. Granted,

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Speaker 1: Jackson is extremely smart. He loves mathematics, he hates to read,

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Speaker 1: and Jackson when it comes down to his reading comprehension

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Speaker 1: and his writing skills, he rushes because with math he

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Speaker 1: can do equations in his head. So he just rushes

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Speaker 1: through the math with the reading, he just puts down

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Speaker 1: with any answers, and then Codeine ends up going over

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Speaker 1: his homework on days when I'm not there. Now, typically

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Speaker 1: I go over Jackson's homework. That's our thing. So I

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Speaker 1: walk in the door. I've just seen Jackson's face and

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Speaker 1: he loves he's about to cry, and his eyes a

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Speaker 1: wide open, and I see codeine hand going fast, fast, fast,

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Speaker 1: and I see a racer clippings all over the place.

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Speaker 1: Codeine done erase the boy whole comprehensive, and the codein says,

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Speaker 1: this is not this is not She got the mom

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Speaker 1: facing the tight lips. This is not good, this is unacceptable. Jackson,

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Speaker 1: did you read the paragraph? Did you read the paragraph?

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Speaker 1: And Jackson's like, yes, I did read the paddog. She's

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Speaker 1: like reading again out loud. So then Jackson now was annoyed.

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Speaker 1: The TV is still on because Codeine had the TV on.

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Speaker 1: She's trying to balance the other two boys, and she's

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Speaker 1: trying to finish work for her blog. So she's short

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Speaker 1: because she's trying to get her stuff done and she's

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Speaker 1: trying to help him with the homework. And so I

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Speaker 1: left it. I went to the gym, I was going

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Speaker 1: for and then expect all the stuff that has to

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Speaker 1: happen while I was going in. Now, so I come

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Speaker 1: back and all this is going on. So she kept

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Speaker 1: asking Jackson the same question. Jackson is peeking out his

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Speaker 1: left side of his face because he was trying to

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Speaker 1: see what's on TV. I just jumped in and said, hey, babe,

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Speaker 1: you know what, let me do u faif I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: grab Jackson, I'm gonna take him away because the TV

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Speaker 1: is distracting him. I'm gonna pull him away. And she

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Speaker 1: looked at me with the death stare, and I was like, no,

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Speaker 1: finish your block. You got stuff to finish your blog.

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Speaker 1: I grabbed Jackson. I walked him over to the dining

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Speaker 1: room table and I said yea, okay, and he was

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Speaker 1: just like, yeah, man, you know mom's always screaming at me.

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Speaker 1: And I said, yo, listen, your mom tells you all

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Speaker 1: the time how to do your homework. When you rush it,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna get in trouble. Don't listen to how she

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Speaker 1: saying it. Listen to what she's saying. Did you really

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Speaker 1: say that I did? You had my back than I

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Speaker 1: had you back? And he was just like okay, but

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Speaker 1: she's crazy, and I said, I bet he whispered that. Oh,

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Speaker 1: he definitely whispered, and I whispered. I'll be crazy now,

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Speaker 1: but thank me later when you were a writing extraordinaire,

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Speaker 1: putting apostrophes where they should be, capitals where they should be,

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Speaker 1: punctuation and Grandma on point? How about that? See me then, trumble,

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Speaker 1: Can you play the music and we get to Kara

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Speaker 1: yoktan please, because she's about to put me on a

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Speaker 1: Grandma lesson. This song is dedicated to my boys, Jackson, Cayron, Kaz.

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Speaker 1: This is the song I sing with them on our

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Speaker 1: way to school every morning, three to one. Hited like

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Speaker 1: a cruise and I'm not trying to lose Hey, you

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Speaker 1: left in dust, you stop by, you were some better

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Speaker 1: be never love with me too. It's gonna be leaving

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Speaker 1: me no dust and whatever. You all right, because sometimes

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Speaker 1: I feel like the only girl in the house. You'll

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Speaker 1: be leaving me in the dust because you'll be having

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Speaker 1: how little like guy things. I can't even get through

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Speaker 1: the song without being accused, so I'm trying to sing

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Speaker 1: sunflower to us, and she here, you ain't gonna leave me,

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Speaker 1: you know, dust and Sunflower and I me and my myself.

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Speaker 1: I'm just trying to cala because then your next thing

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Speaker 1: is gonna be like, we can change that, because I

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Speaker 1: knew where this was going. I didn't even get to

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Speaker 1: finish my karaoke guys. But since we here wanted another

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Speaker 1: girl in the house and make that happen, you make

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Speaker 1: that happen. No, no, no, just like me. We're all good.

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Speaker 1: Now I'll be losing more here looking just like you,

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Speaker 1: just like me. That's kind of scary first because I

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Speaker 1: looked over you when I saw your goatee and your mustache,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, she would have a goatie in the

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Speaker 1: mustache and long beautiful head, look just like a daddy

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Speaker 1: hot mess. So yeah, today we're talking about like our

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Speaker 1: kids and whatnot. How parenting and parenting styles kind of

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Speaker 1: may differ, doesn't differ if your parenting a boy versus

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Speaker 1: a girl, which we don't really can't speak to the girl,

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Speaker 1: a situation we did though um on a different episode

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Speaker 1: with the Tanks, the Tanks leads, no, they had boys too,

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Speaker 1: We need to bring somebody with girls in here, girl

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Speaker 1: and didn't have some more to talk about or maybe not,

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Speaker 1: but yeah, you know, sometimes your kids act up, they

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Speaker 1: act crazy, and you want to handle it one way,

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Speaker 1: and then your partner might have other ideas and how

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Speaker 1: they should handle it. So we're talking about how we

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Speaker 1: negotiate different things parenting styles. Um who tends to be

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Speaker 1: the good cop or the bad cop in the household?

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Speaker 1: You know? How do you deal with kids with different

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Speaker 1: personalities and discipline? Because there is no real one way

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Speaker 1: to parent, especially when you have multiple children. So we're

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Speaker 1: just gonna impact some of that today. So your story

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Speaker 1: is funny to me because can we start before the story?

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Speaker 1: Before the story? I think ahead, start before the story,

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Speaker 1: all right, So, as you guys know, we have three

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Speaker 1: beautiful boys. We have Jackson, the fearless leader. He's the

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Speaker 1: first born. He's going to be nine. He had a shadow,

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Speaker 1: the most sensitive of the three. He is the most nurturing,

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Speaker 1: very empathetic. Conversionate thinks he's a little manipulated when he's ready,

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Speaker 1: But I can see through those little eyes. His eyes

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Speaker 1: look just like my Sabar. I won that contest. Jackson

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Speaker 1: has eyes for sure. Then this Cairo, the Row Row Show.

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Speaker 1: Cairo is three going on. Yes, like I always say,

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Speaker 1: he is just a big boy. He is a free spirit.

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Speaker 1: I mean he pretty much grew up in front of

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Speaker 1: everyone's eyes because he was born on Instagram. He loves

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Speaker 1: the camera. He does very very creative, very very independent too,

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Speaker 1: very independent. Taught himself to dress himself. He's a super

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Speaker 1: stuck a sponge. She's learning so much now. And then

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Speaker 1: there's Mike Kazi. Yes, he's the very Cats Hendrix. He

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Speaker 1: was actually born on Jimi Hendrick's birthday. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if y'all know, but all three of our boys their

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Speaker 1: middle names are after musicians that we love. So Carter, Shawn,

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Speaker 1: Carter Jackson, Carter after jay Z and then Shakore, and

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Speaker 1: then we have Kats and now Kas. Is funny because Cats,

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Speaker 1: of all of all of the three boys, was the

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Speaker 1: only one that was not playing. Kaz came immediately after Cairo.

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Speaker 1: He was the oops baby. Kaz is the feistiest. Okay,

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Speaker 1: let me tell you, Cats, It's like I maybe the

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Speaker 1: baby of the family, but I'm packing some power behind

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Speaker 1: these punches over here. Okay, punches, he kicks, he hits,

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Speaker 1: he screams, he slams. His famous word is now you

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Speaker 1: have to see his space. It's like, now, that's how

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Speaker 1: he says it. But then he's like, good for some

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Speaker 1: cuddles at night, and the great he says, A great

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Speaker 1: smile he does. He looks the most like me, and

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Speaker 1: he hates the camera if he didn't notice. If you

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Speaker 1: ever wonder why Katz does not like to be in

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Speaker 1: the vlogs on Instagram, I'll pull the camera out a

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Speaker 1: stone face to turn and run away. So I respect

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Speaker 1: that he doesn't want to be in front of the camera.

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Speaker 1: I respect that. Yeah, we recently did some family portraits,

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Speaker 1: like black and white shots to try to capture everyone's personality.

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Speaker 1: I started to post them as my m cm my

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Speaker 1: man crushed Mondays so already posted Jackson's um Cairo and

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Speaker 1: then Cash will probably be by the time you guys

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Speaker 1: hear this. But I wanted to try to get a

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Speaker 1: picture that captures their personality. And I think Cass frowned

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Speaker 1: in every picture. I can't believe He's like, how did

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Speaker 1: I get here with this family? So those are three boys,

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Speaker 1: if you don't know, I always knew growing up that

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Speaker 1: I wanted to marry a woman that was a great mom,

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Speaker 1: because I have a great mom and I have great aunts,

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Speaker 1: and I have great grandmother's So I just knew I

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Speaker 1: had to marry a woman that was going to personify

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Speaker 1: that love that I got from all of these beautiful

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Speaker 1: black women my whole life. So when I was dating,

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Speaker 1: I was like, I gotta find someone who has nurturing quality,

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Speaker 1: who's smart, um, who's disciplined in their own right, because

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Speaker 1: all of the women in my life have been disciplined.

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Speaker 1: So I met you, and I'm telling you right now,

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Speaker 1: one of the things that drew me to you was

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Speaker 1: your relationship with your brother and your sister, because, yes,

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Speaker 1: being the oldest case, I'm the oldest as well, and

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Speaker 1: there's ten years between you and Sakari, five years between

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Speaker 1: you and Tristan, And I saw how deliberate you were

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Speaker 1: with making sure they were always okay, but also telling

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Speaker 1: them the real when they needed to be told the real.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, Yo, this right here is a

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Speaker 1: great example because my mom is the oldest, and that

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Speaker 1: is my mother. My mother will tell me and my

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Speaker 1: brother and my sister exactly how it is where we

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Speaker 1: need to go and how we need to get there

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Speaker 1: if we're not doing it the right way. But she

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Speaker 1: also has her way of being nurturing, you know, she's

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Speaker 1: not the most affectionate person, but my mom has a

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Speaker 1: way of being nurturing. So you know, when I was

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Speaker 1: dating and thinking about marriage, you, you definitely crossed that

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Speaker 1: check check that box for I mean, I think I

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Speaker 1: definitely felt that responsibility. Being the oldest. Um, I kind

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Speaker 1: of inadvertently became like the second mom in the household too,

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Speaker 1: So definitely have like a nurturing spirit, nurturing way. Um,

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Speaker 1: my brother and my sister shout out to Chisten and Sakari.

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Speaker 1: We have a very super ridiculously um strangely close relationship.

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Speaker 1: What's weird about it? Like weirdly close we are? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: we're like for siblings. Like there's no like rivalry, there's

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Speaker 1: no fighting, there's no anything. I mean, naturally we disagree

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Speaker 1: on things, and I think we have created a safe

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Speaker 1: space between the three of us and Devout now that

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Speaker 1: he's kind of been adopted into the family. Um, sometimes

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Speaker 1: I'm adopted. They when it got tattoos, all of them together,

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Speaker 1: of the three little birds, and I wasn't still feeling

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Speaker 1: some kind of way about If you haven't seen the

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Speaker 1: tattoo yet, go to my Instagram page. You're gonna see

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Speaker 1: a nice black and white photograph taking by our good

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Speaker 1: friend Joshua Dwayne were the three little birds. But we

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Speaker 1: did tell the vow that he can opt to be

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Speaker 1: the branch that holds up the three birds want to be.

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Speaker 1: No draw branch on y'all, y'all tree on, y'all risk

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Speaker 1: get out of here. But you'd uplift us in so

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Speaker 1: many ways, like I'm gonna show we're taking video so

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Speaker 1: you can see the three little birds, so we can

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Speaker 1: totally draw in like a branch underneath there that we

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Speaker 1: love to perch on for support. Babe, consider it. I

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Speaker 1: think you should consider. But my mom, my mom did

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Speaker 1: give me a lot of responsibility because my mother too

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Speaker 1: was the oldest of six, so she also too felt like,

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Speaker 1: you know, the responsibility was on me to of course

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Speaker 1: had a good example, to kind of be the eyes

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Speaker 1: and ears when she wasn't around, and of course to

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Speaker 1: take care of my brother my sister, which I still

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Speaker 1: pride myself on doing to this day. You know, sometimes

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Speaker 1: loving them from a distance when I feel like they

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Speaker 1: need the tough love to figure things out on their

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Speaker 1: own and you don't give them a lot of distance. Um,

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Speaker 1: we have a I can't be I can't be from

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Speaker 1: a good place, just like with Jackson and his homework situation,

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Speaker 1: it's always coming from a good place. So something what

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Speaker 1: was going on in the homework so kind of okay?

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Speaker 1: So you gave your what you walked into. Of course, um,

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Speaker 1: prior to that, naturally you're going to the gym. So

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Speaker 1: it's like I'm trying to make dinner, I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: finish my blog. Kyro and Caz are running around, um

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Speaker 1: trying to keep them occupied. Jackson finishes his homework, and

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Speaker 1: I knew something was wrong when Jackson ran upstairs. I

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Speaker 1: went to my home, my mom, okay, great, And I

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Speaker 1: don't even think I finished cleaning the chicken yet before

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Speaker 1: he was back downstairs, like he was done. He might

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Speaker 1: have been going for like eight minutes, so I said, So,

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Speaker 1: I said, Jackson, what how much homework did you have tonight?

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Speaker 1: What did you do? Oh? I had math and I

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Speaker 1: had reading comprehension, So already I knew in my mind

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Speaker 1: I was prepared for reading comprehension because like that, valsaid,

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Speaker 1: Jackson's stellar and Matthews like off the charts. Reading comprention, though,

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Speaker 1: has been a little bit of a struggle. He brings

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Speaker 1: the paper down to me totally. Just like breeze past.

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Speaker 1: It wrote very vague answers. His handwriting was a little

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Speaker 1: sloppy ish, like he was just trying to get it done.

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Speaker 1: And it's not that he doesn't know. He has every ability.

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Speaker 1: He just like you said, devout, I don't know because

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Speaker 1: you claim this is like a boy thing. But he

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Speaker 1: literally rushed through the homework and just didn't take his time.

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Speaker 1: And I know that he has the ability to do better.

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Speaker 1: So I feel like as a mother, as a parent,

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Speaker 1: I would be remissed if I did not then sit

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Speaker 1: down with him and say, Jackson, reread it the minute

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Speaker 1: I asked him to reread it, or the minute I

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Speaker 1: take out the eraser to erase. He wants to try

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Speaker 1: to catch an attitude. I don't deal well with attitudes,

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Speaker 1: especially from these little children. Okay that I grew and

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Speaker 1: birth and raise and live in my house. For you

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Speaker 1: to call yourself having an attitude at eight years old,

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Speaker 1: it just is not gonna work. Yes, my face is

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Speaker 1: getting tight, just thinking your face is getting tight for me.

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Speaker 1: I see you. So what we're not going to do

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Speaker 1: in my house is for me to be providing you

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Speaker 1: with everything and more that you're eating your life and

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Speaker 1: you can't do what you're supposed to do, Like you

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Speaker 1: have homework to do. That's that's your job. You go

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Speaker 1: to school, you do your homework. And that's why usually

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Speaker 1: once homework is done, if I feel like he needs

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Speaker 1: a little bit more challenge or if I need to

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Speaker 1: follow up on something that he has issues with, I

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Speaker 1: have a ton of different books that I have him

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Speaker 1: working on and stuff. So it's just a matter of

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Speaker 1: him being lazy in that moment. So speaking to him

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Speaker 1: very nicely, Jackson, I think you need to reread this

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Speaker 1: paragraph because question number one, and no I did initially

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Speaker 1: it was just like, I think you need to reread this.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna erase it. But where things went arrived for

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Speaker 1: me was when I got the but I did it already,

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Speaker 1: but I read it already, and then there's just this

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Speaker 1: the attitude and the body language, and that's when my

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Speaker 1: octave drops a bit and I have to slow down

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Speaker 1: and articulate, and then my face does the things that

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Speaker 1: you say my face has been doing. So you know,

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Speaker 1: it's just it's a it's a respect thing. It's um

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Speaker 1: you know, I don't deal with the attitudes, like I said,

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Speaker 1: but it's also me trying to say, you know what

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Speaker 1: I understand. He's eight, He's gonna want to rush through things.

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Speaker 1: He may not be that into reading comprehension. He has

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Speaker 1: his favorite subject with this math. Math. It's cool, but

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Speaker 1: this is something we're going to have to work at

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Speaker 1: because I know he has the ability. It's not that

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Speaker 1: he doesn't understand it or doesn't get it, he's just

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Speaker 1: not taking the time to do it. And that's why

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Speaker 1: I purposely got him a desk in his room. Sit

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Speaker 1: in your room so you're away from distraction. He has

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Speaker 1: no television in his room, no devices that he can

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Speaker 1: get on, and that's where he should be for at

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Speaker 1: least twenty minutes to a half an hour to do

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Speaker 1: his reading that he's supposed to do. That's the extra

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Speaker 1: reading on top of the homework. Can you or are

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Speaker 1: you still going? You can still go? If he's like,

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Speaker 1: I know you give you came into him about and

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Speaker 1: in the minute he sees you, of course, then the

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Speaker 1: waterworks start, you know, in his eyes, because he kind

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Speaker 1: of feels like I have an alliance with Daddy and

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Speaker 1: I become the bad cop and Daddy comes becomes a

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Speaker 1: good cop. It happens a lot. But ahead, whatever you

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Speaker 1: donna think you done, cannot interject. I'll take a breather,

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Speaker 1: I'll take a sip of your Okay, So this, this is,

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Speaker 1: this is a number of things here, all right. The

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Speaker 1: first thing is you're absolutely right in your assessment of

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Speaker 1: what jack And goes through. But your approach in dealing

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Speaker 1: with Jackson it's not always correct. I tell you this.

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Speaker 1: Your brother and your sister tell you this, your mother

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Speaker 1: tell you. Don't try to use my brother my sister

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Speaker 1: against me. Now listen, I'm gonna tell you your idea

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Speaker 1: of I nicely said, it's not always everybody else's idea

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Speaker 1: of nice he said, Jackson brings down the homework, you

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Speaker 1: read it, pull out the pencil, and just start erasing

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Speaker 1: all his work while lecturing him about what he didn't do.

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Speaker 1: It's not how you approach an eight year old. Think

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Speaker 1: about it. Think about it. And the reason why I'm

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Speaker 1: saying this is because my mom used to do the

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Speaker 1: same exact thing to me. So you have a little

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Speaker 1: PTSD from that. You're like, I do have PTSD because

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Speaker 1: you'all crazy mothers be crazy. Y'all think that since y'all

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Speaker 1: grew us in birth does y'all can just do whatever

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Speaker 1: you want to do and say whatever you want to

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Speaker 1: say to us, and we gotta take it when the

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Speaker 1: bottom line is we don't like we're people. He's a person.

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Speaker 1: I guess he's a person. But at eight years old, well,

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Speaker 1: because you have to, you have to teach him how

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Speaker 1: to go through the process. I think mothers. Mothers expect right,

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Speaker 1: and my mom was like this, I would get it,

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Speaker 1: I would get an assignment. I would do the assignment

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Speaker 1: to the best of my ability. At eight, my mother

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Speaker 1: would completely tear up out the whole assignment, redo it

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Speaker 1: with me. I would go into class and then my

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Speaker 1: teacher would say, tell your mom, she did a great job,

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Speaker 1: because y'all wanted to be done to the standard that

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Speaker 1: y'all expect. But y'all forget that he's eight and he's

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Speaker 1: a boy. So there's a process. It's still the middle

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Speaker 1: of the school year. He may not be perfect and

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Speaker 1: doing the homework assignment, but he's working towards perfection by

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Speaker 1: the end of the year. So if there are mistakes,

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Speaker 1: you don't just erase everything and tell him to do

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Speaker 1: it again. Let's ask him a question. For example, when

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Speaker 1: he comes to me and his homework is looking trashed

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Speaker 1: because I know he rushed it because he got to

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Speaker 1: go to the mom by academy and because he wants

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Speaker 1: to give him his laptop. I don't just take the

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Speaker 1: pencil on any races. I go, Jackson, do you think

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Speaker 1: this is acceptable? And then now let's put the ball

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Speaker 1: in his court. So now he's looking because he's like,

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Speaker 1: something must be wrong because Dad is talking to me

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Speaker 1: about it. So he's just looking. And if if he

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Speaker 1: rushed to say yeah, I think it's acceptable, then I'll say, well,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you why it's not acceptable. But then

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Speaker 1: sometimes he'll honestly look at it and'll be like, nah,

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Speaker 1: I rushed, And I believe why do you rush? Because

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Speaker 1: the lesson really isn't in the homework. The lesson is

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Speaker 1: how he gets the homework done. And I know for

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Speaker 1: women it's different when you're raising boys because you guys

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Speaker 1: were never boys. As a boy, I have a little

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Speaker 1: bit of, you know, idea of what it's like to

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Speaker 1: be a boy, a little bit about it before. We don't.

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Speaker 1: We don't like to be attacked and we don't like

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Speaker 1: our creativity to just be torn apart. And a lot

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Speaker 1: of times what moms do y'all take whatever else is

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Speaker 1: going on in the house and then you whatever the

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Speaker 1: kid is doing at that moment. You put all that

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Speaker 1: pressure on him. You had a lot going on, you

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Speaker 1: had your blog, you're trying to do, you had the

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Speaker 1: other two kids, and I wasn't there, so you were

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Speaker 1: probably upset about a whole bunch of other stuff that

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Speaker 1: was going on that you just unloaded on him. Because

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Speaker 1: my mom used to do that to me all the time.

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Speaker 1: And the truth of the matter is it's not fair

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Speaker 1: to him at eight years old. That's true. I get that,

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Speaker 1: because you're absolutely right about that. And it's funny. I

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Speaker 1: saw recently on I forget what page. It was one

403
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Speaker 1: of those mom pages that I followed, but someone had

404
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Speaker 1: said the same thing, and it was like there was

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Speaker 1: like an honest mom moment. And in that honest moll moment,

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Speaker 1: she said, Um, you know, in the mornings when I'm

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Speaker 1: getting ready with the kids, I know that I snap

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Speaker 1: at them and I don't start their day off well

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Speaker 1: with good energy, and I know that I'm responsible for

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Speaker 1: that because I can alleviate all this by getting up

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Speaker 1: twenty minutes earlier, and that kind of that kind of

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Speaker 1: stuck with me. That definitely stuck with me because I said, Wow,

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Speaker 1: that's definitely how I felt some mornings, or even just

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Speaker 1: trying to get out the house with multiple children. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: it's like, oh my God, like I have so many

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Speaker 1: things going on right now that I need to get done.

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Speaker 1: We need to go somewhere, we need to do something,

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Speaker 1: or things have to get done, and it's how am

419
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Speaker 1: I going to juggle and balance all that at one time?

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Speaker 1: So that that spoke to me, I also saw, I mean,

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Speaker 1: that spoke to me. That was kind of like the

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Speaker 1: two I didn't want to just like how I thought

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Speaker 1: I said something and how everybody else I said it,

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Speaker 1: and I'm just like I didn't tell I think my

425
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,360
Speaker 1: voice sometimes too is intimidating because it carries a bit

426
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,040
Speaker 1: and it can be able to be intimidating. You'll be

427
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,879
Speaker 1: balking at people and snapping happy. That's not true to

428
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,720
Speaker 1: I don't do that all the time. I don't sometimes

429
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,879
Speaker 1: I really try to make a conscious effort, especially with

430
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,359
Speaker 1: the children, because you've told me before that Jackson feels

431
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:28,800
Speaker 1: like sometimes I get on him, So I really do

432
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,000
Speaker 1: don't don't make fun of me. I really do try

433
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,520
Speaker 1: to make a conscious effort to say, you know what,

434
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,840
Speaker 1: let me try to speak nicely in this moment, and

435
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,960
Speaker 1: still it's taking out of context. So I feel like

436
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,879
Speaker 1: I can't win either way? Can I Can I be honest?

437
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:44,120
Speaker 1: Can I be honest? Listen, you get pregnant, right, everyone

438
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,960
Speaker 1: dotes on Youkadean can do and say whatever she wants

439
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:50,639
Speaker 1: because she's pregnant, right right, That's what That's what women

440
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,080
Speaker 1: have told you. You When she lashes out and she's

441
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,320
Speaker 1: upset that she's angry, you deal with it. It's the hormones,

442
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,639
Speaker 1: and you gotta deal with it because that's how she is.

443
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,440
Speaker 1: So you've become used to being in this space where

444
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,680
Speaker 1: you can constantly do and say whatever you want because

445
00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:06,600
Speaker 1: that's the hormones. The kids. I'm tired. Then once the

446
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,719
Speaker 1: baby get here, just I don't sleep because it's so

447
00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:11,920
Speaker 1: women are taught and you've been taught this that it's

448
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,280
Speaker 1: okay to just be that way. Me as a dad

449
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,879
Speaker 1: from the time you're pregnant. You know what I've been

450
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,680
Speaker 1: told by everybody. Be patient, Let her say what she wants,

451
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,760
Speaker 1: let her say how she feels, let her do this

452
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:25,040
Speaker 1: for ten months before the kids got here. I had

453
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:29,320
Speaker 1: to practice that patience in order to exist in my house.

454
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,120
Speaker 1: So you know what happens when the kids get here,

455
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:36,120
Speaker 1: I've already practiced that patience. Not that I'm a pro,

456
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,600
Speaker 1: but what happens is But listen, I'm being honest. Once

457
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:43,399
Speaker 1: you get accustomed to not reacting, but responding to someone

458
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,320
Speaker 1: because they are going through something, because what you're going

459
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:48,960
Speaker 1: through is not something that you just brush aside. Being

460
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,200
Speaker 1: pregnant and being hormonal is real. So when you do

461
00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:54,160
Speaker 1: have a moment where you lash out or you don't

462
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:55,760
Speaker 1: do something right away, I do have to learn to

463
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,480
Speaker 1: take it in. I've approached our children with the same

464
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:02,199
Speaker 1: type of patience. M interesting, And I remember hearing that

465
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,679
Speaker 1: no one ever told you that as a as a mom,

466
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,680
Speaker 1: I mean, I mean from the perspective as a guy,

467
00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:10,240
Speaker 1: like learning patients and we like like I remember my

468
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,560
Speaker 1: dad and men saying that to me, Like, as a dad,

469
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,280
Speaker 1: you have to be patient, and you learn that through

470
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:18,280
Speaker 1: pregnancy and you translate that and transfer that to your kids.

471
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,120
Speaker 1: I don't know what's said from women to women about

472
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,480
Speaker 1: but I don't know about women to women. I mean,

473
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,600
Speaker 1: I didn't get that per se from like the women

474
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,439
Speaker 1: in my family. I mean, yes, naturally, they're gonna let

475
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,040
Speaker 1: you know, like it's it's gonna be a lot, You're

476
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,919
Speaker 1: gonna be tired. You know, you're gonna have to, yes,

477
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,960
Speaker 1: exercise patients and whatnot. But sometimes too, maybe just the

478
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,080
Speaker 1: emotions get in my way. You know, I can't speak

479
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,520
Speaker 1: for every other woman, but sometimes the emotions must get

480
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:39,160
Speaker 1: in my way, and I just get a little high strong,

481
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:40,960
Speaker 1: you know. And I won't I won't say that you're

482
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,199
Speaker 1: not telling the truth with that. It's true. But I

483
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:45,160
Speaker 1: also see a lot of like for example, your dad.

484
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,959
Speaker 1: I even see how he deals with things, and I

485
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,000
Speaker 1: see how he will like lower his voice and he'll

486
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,199
Speaker 1: speak through things, even with the grandkids. Like if it's

487
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,200
Speaker 1: Jackson or or one of the other kids does something,

488
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,520
Speaker 1: he'll like bring it down and he will speak with

489
00:23:57,560 --> 00:23:59,760
Speaker 1: them very quietly. I noticed you do that with the kids.

490
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,720
Speaker 1: That's a thing you've probably seen or experience with your father.

491
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,119
Speaker 1: I didn't experienced that in my household. I grew up

492
00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:07,840
Speaker 1: in a western maa housele with my mom. My dad

493
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,360
Speaker 1: was actually very like more soft spoken and quiet, more passive.

494
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:14,879
Speaker 1: My mom, though she used to like light us up

495
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:16,840
Speaker 1: and not even night us up in terms of like,

496
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,320
Speaker 1: you know, corporal punishment. But my mom used to just

497
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:23,280
Speaker 1: like to scream and holler, and that that was her

498
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:26,280
Speaker 1: way of getting across, like she would get frustrated. That's

499
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,119
Speaker 1: what I experienced as a child. Now what I should

500
00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:31,919
Speaker 1: do as an adult now knowing how that made me

501
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:37,000
Speaker 1: feel as a child, I should should be in the word,

502
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 1: I should be able to say, you know what, I

503
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:40,920
Speaker 1: didn't like that as a kid. That's what I experienced.

504
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,440
Speaker 1: Because my brother will talk about it to this day,

505
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,320
Speaker 1: how my mother used to do and especially as a boy.

506
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,040
Speaker 1: It's funny he's he notices it more as a boy,

507
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:49,800
Speaker 1: and I noticed that he said it more as the

508
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:52,879
Speaker 1: only boy, how my mom has reacted to certain things,

509
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,240
Speaker 1: and how much he's still it's still kind of affects

510
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:57,720
Speaker 1: him to this day. And yes, I should and I

511
00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:00,560
Speaker 1: try to make sure that I'm not doing this same things.

512
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:02,520
Speaker 1: But I'm telling you just it's just some moments get

513
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,800
Speaker 1: away from me. They do get away from me. But

514
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,280
Speaker 1: what I do appreciate about what you did, especially with

515
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:12,240
Speaker 1: the story time situation, was that you didn't in front

516
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:14,880
Speaker 1: of me kind of belittle me or make me feel

517
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,119
Speaker 1: as if I didn't know what I was doing right,

518
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:21,120
Speaker 1: because you drop down to your dad's voice. We affectionately

519
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:24,360
Speaker 1: affectionately called the vows dad's scoop, So you dropped into

520
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,879
Speaker 1: the scoop voice, and you said, hey, let me finish

521
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,880
Speaker 1: with Jackson, and you can finish doing this because that's

522
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,919
Speaker 1: what you've got a lot going on. Part of me

523
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:36,120
Speaker 1: was a little bit like, you don't intervene because I'm

524
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:39,000
Speaker 1: having a moment with Jackson. But I didn't need the help.

525
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:42,520
Speaker 1: So I appreciated you tagging me in as my partner

526
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:46,199
Speaker 1: and as my parenting partner, knowing and seeing that I

527
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,680
Speaker 1: was a little stressed in that situation. Jackson was starting

528
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,360
Speaker 1: to get frazzled, um, and then you kind of took

529
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,040
Speaker 1: him away so you can deal with that. And then

530
00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:55,520
Speaker 1: Jackson I had a conversation after, of course, and I

531
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,360
Speaker 1: because we always make sure that we do that, even

532
00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:01,280
Speaker 1: if we're teaching a lesson disciplining whatever, and it requires

533
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,439
Speaker 1: a conversation. But you know what's funny, I feel like

534
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,520
Speaker 1: we have like a really now that I'm looking at

535
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:09,600
Speaker 1: it from this perspective, and I never really looked at

536
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,040
Speaker 1: us as like parents from the outside in. We do

537
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:16,399
Speaker 1: have a really good balance. I say that because sometimes

538
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,520
Speaker 1: if I'm in the middle of doing something, for example,

539
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 1: with Cairo, Cairo might have done something crazy, was something

540
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,159
Speaker 1: wow that he's done recently, Like, I don't know. If

541
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:31,520
Speaker 1: you want to tell less story, yes, we can tell

542
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:35,800
Speaker 1: the story about all right, So Cairo has been potty

543
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:40,040
Speaker 1: trained for over here now at least, yes, over yere.

544
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:41,960
Speaker 1: He's three and a half, so he's been potty trained

545
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,159
Speaker 1: for over a year and a half now, because he

546
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,320
Speaker 1: potty trained around twish. All right. I go upstairs the

547
00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,399
Speaker 1: other day and I smell poop. It's I'm like, all right,

548
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:50,679
Speaker 1: so I'm chasing cats around, but I'm like, that's not kas.

549
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:55,320
Speaker 1: I get closer to our bedroom. I opened the door.

550
00:26:56,800 --> 00:27:01,080
Speaker 1: There's a little poop turred on the floor or on

551
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:05,359
Speaker 1: the carpet in our bedroom. So I get a I

552
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,320
Speaker 1: get a phone call downstairs. I don't even she don't

553
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 1: even scream. I'm just like what. So this is like

554
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,439
Speaker 1: one of those moments as a parent where you're like,

555
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,159
Speaker 1: let me just FaceTime my husband and show him this

556
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:17,320
Speaker 1: ship on the floor. You don't know what to say

557
00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:21,280
Speaker 1: because it's like you're you're, you're, you're confused, you're, you're mad,

558
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:27,879
Speaker 1: you're literally So I was just like, why is this

559
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,399
Speaker 1: ship on the floor? So then I go back and

560
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,560
Speaker 1: I checked cats real quick. While I'm like telling about

561
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,440
Speaker 1: what's going on, cast still has on a full onesie

562
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,760
Speaker 1: with his pamper on. So I'm like, okay, he didn't

563
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:40,159
Speaker 1: ship and put his pamper back on. Okay. Then I

564
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,480
Speaker 1: was like, Jackson just went and do that. That So

565
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:48,399
Speaker 1: who's left but Cairo? Right, So I find Cairo and

566
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:52,800
Speaker 1: I'm like, Cairo, did you poop on the floor? No,

567
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:57,359
Speaker 1: it was Cassie, like that fast, this little negro is

568
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:04,320
Speaker 1: lying to my face that quick. It was Kaziro, did

569
00:28:04,359 --> 00:28:06,400
Speaker 1: you poop on the floor? To the the VAL's coming

570
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:08,399
Speaker 1: down the hallway. So as Cairo is looking at me,

571
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,600
Speaker 1: which he's clearly lying, and he's looking a little flustered.

572
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:13,480
Speaker 1: I see him looking out the side of his eye

573
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:21,679
Speaker 1: and was now becoming So when Daddy came down the hallway,

574
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:26,080
Speaker 1: then what because because also we I still believe in

575
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:29,720
Speaker 1: corporal punishment when the time is necessary, Like we don't

576
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:32,000
Speaker 1: beat them with belts, we don't hit them with slippers

577
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:33,840
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. But I'll give them a little

578
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 1: pop when I feel like there's something that's going to

579
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 1: endanger them or something they need to learn. So and

580
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:40,400
Speaker 1: that's very rare, but it happens once in a while.

581
00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:44,160
Speaker 1: For example, Cairo used to like to run into the street.

582
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:46,880
Speaker 1: So one day I let him just walk and I

583
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:48,640
Speaker 1: watched him as he was about to walk into the street,

584
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 1: and I popped him right on his hand, and then

585
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:52,360
Speaker 1: he touched his hand and he looked at me, and

586
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:54,360
Speaker 1: I said, I told you not to look at walk

587
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:58,280
Speaker 1: into the street. And from that point on he realized like, oh,

588
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,800
Speaker 1: he's not playing. When he dropped his voice down and

589
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:02,560
Speaker 1: he tells me things over and he's not playing, and

590
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:05,320
Speaker 1: he could hurt, and I'd rather give him that little

591
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 1: bit of pain that he can recover from rather than

592
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:09,040
Speaker 1: him run out in the middle of New York Avenue

593
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:12,440
Speaker 1: and get hit by the B forty four. So Kyro

594
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:16,040
Speaker 1: earlier that day was just looking for attention. He's the

595
00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:18,800
Speaker 1: middle child, Jackson's the oldest. Hen Me and Jackson have

596
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 1: a very special relationship because we go to Mamby Academy.

597
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:24,560
Speaker 1: He does jiu jitsu and Umkas is Mimi's baby, so

598
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:27,600
Speaker 1: Kas always up under Memi Chicago's Mimi, and I try

599
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,120
Speaker 1: as much as I can to bring Kyra with me

600
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:33,040
Speaker 1: and Jackson, but sometimes Jackson needs his own time, and

601
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,560
Speaker 1: I think this was one of the days. It was Wednesday, Kyro.

602
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:38,280
Speaker 1: Jackson was going to jiu jitsu, so Cairo seemed a

603
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,400
Speaker 1: little upset and he was throwing himself on the floor

604
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:42,920
Speaker 1: and he was just knocking stuff over, just seeming like

605
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:46,040
Speaker 1: he wanted attention. And when I got upstairs, it hit

606
00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:49,480
Speaker 1: me that that's what this was about. So at the

607
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:51,800
Speaker 1: time he was getting the attention he wanted. Mimi was

608
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:55,720
Speaker 1: in there, Coadin is in there, Jackson's laughing, Kaz is

609
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:58,400
Speaker 1: running around, So everybody's in there wondering who pooped on

610
00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:01,440
Speaker 1: the floor, And I'm really and like, Cairo is enjoying

611
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:03,959
Speaker 1: all of this. He realized that now, for once in

612
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:07,080
Speaker 1: his life, today, everyone's paying attention to something he did.

613
00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:13,400
Speaker 1: So I asked, guys, easy, Kyro, who did this, Cassi,

614
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:17,440
Speaker 1: Cashi did this? Cassie. So I tell everybody to leave

615
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:18,880
Speaker 1: the room because I didn't want it to be an

616
00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:21,600
Speaker 1: embarrassment thing. And I asked him, I said, you know,

617
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:24,880
Speaker 1: Ellisman always do what And he says, tell the truth,

618
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,680
Speaker 1: because that's what me and Jackson always say. Kyra doesn't

619
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 1: really understand the idea of telling the truth, but he

620
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 1: knows the words. So I was like, listen, who made

621
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 1: the poop wonderful? And he said me? And I said why.

622
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:41,600
Speaker 1: He said, I don't know. I don't know. I already

623
00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:43,880
Speaker 1: knew why. I know he doesn't know how to articulate it.

624
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:47,720
Speaker 1: But I said, this is unacceptable, and the fact that

625
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 1: you lied about it is even worse. So I popped

626
00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:52,440
Speaker 1: him a little bit, you know, gave him two little pops.

627
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:55,280
Speaker 1: And the sad thing is is your boy took the

628
00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 1: pops like a champ, like I popped him. He didn't

629
00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:01,600
Speaker 1: even cry. He looked at me and I'm like, I'm

630
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:03,800
Speaker 1: not in the business of hurting my children. And I said,

631
00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:06,240
Speaker 1: do you understand why you got that pop? And he

632
00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:08,240
Speaker 1: was just like yes, Daddy. I said, I go down

633
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:09,760
Speaker 1: to the whole way and get get ready for bed

634
00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:12,120
Speaker 1: and go get in the shower. So he walked down

635
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,040
Speaker 1: the hallway, took his pops like a chance walk down

636
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 1: the hallway. And in those moments, I'm always the bad

637
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:22,000
Speaker 1: guy because Codeine does not she doesn't hit them. She's

638
00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:25,280
Speaker 1: not into the whole corporate punishment thing. We agree to

639
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:27,880
Speaker 1: disagree on that at times, but I feel like, as

640
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:32,480
Speaker 1: the father of three black boys, I'd rather discipline my

641
00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:36,200
Speaker 1: boys rather than have the law or law enforcement discipline them,

642
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:39,800
Speaker 1: because that type of discipline can lead with you in

643
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,880
Speaker 1: jail or in the body bag. So I try to

644
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 1: make sure that my boys know how to respect authority

645
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:47,840
Speaker 1: and stay in line. And one thing Conein and I

646
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:49,760
Speaker 1: never do when when we're in front of each other

647
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,160
Speaker 1: is disagree with each other in front of the children.

648
00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:54,320
Speaker 1: If it's a time for corporal punishment, and I asked

649
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:56,800
Speaker 1: her to leave, she'll leave the room if she believes

650
00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:58,400
Speaker 1: it's something that she needs to do. And I asked,

651
00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:00,080
Speaker 1: and I realized in her face. I can tell in

652
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:02,360
Speaker 1: her eyes, but she's serious. I'm like, you know what,

653
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:05,440
Speaker 1: let me let her deal with this, and then after,

654
00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:08,680
Speaker 1: when the kids are gone, we'll have these discussions and

655
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,680
Speaker 1: I'll be like, hey, why did you think that was appropriate?

656
00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 1: Or she'll say to me about why did you think

657
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:14,680
Speaker 1: he needed to be popped? And we'll have that discussion

658
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:17,400
Speaker 1: in this for sure. Absolutely, you'll sometimes say to me

659
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:20,120
Speaker 1: or I'll say to you, man, do you think that

660
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:22,239
Speaker 1: I should have done this a certain kind of way,

661
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:24,640
Speaker 1: or did I handle that well, you know, just to

662
00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,320
Speaker 1: kind of get some feedback. Sometimes I appreciate that we

663
00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:29,719
Speaker 1: can have the conversation after the fact, because like that

664
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:31,560
Speaker 1: moment with the poop, I probably would have picked it

665
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,440
Speaker 1: up and kept it moving like it was no big deal,

666
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:35,760
Speaker 1: whereas the val felt it was a need to teach

667
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:37,640
Speaker 1: a lesson in that moment. And though I kind of

668
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,680
Speaker 1: felt like it was a bit harsh at that time,

669
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:42,400
Speaker 1: he was adamant about it. So usually, if either of

670
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,600
Speaker 1: us are adamant about something, we'll kind of let them

671
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:47,840
Speaker 1: rock and then we'll have the conversation after. And I

672
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:50,960
Speaker 1: think that with every area of our relationship, because you

673
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:52,920
Speaker 1: talked about a lot about us, as you know, a

674
00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:57,400
Speaker 1: married couple, about being individuals and being business partners, in

675
00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:00,240
Speaker 1: being parents, we have to also allow ourselves great We

676
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:02,720
Speaker 1: talked about that a lot, so um, I think it

677
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:06,160
Speaker 1: was very necessary for me to kind of step back

678
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:09,200
Speaker 1: and say, you know, what Devil was once a boy.

679
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:12,400
Speaker 1: You know, he's coming from a place of experience that

680
00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:15,440
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily know growing up as a boy. So

681
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:19,520
Speaker 1: I also appreciate the fact that, like you, said earlier,

682
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:21,320
Speaker 1: you found someone who you felt like would be a

683
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,600
Speaker 1: great mom, a great nurturer, would take care of your

684
00:33:23,640 --> 00:33:25,959
Speaker 1: home and your children. I feel like I found that

685
00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:28,600
Speaker 1: in you, seeing the man that you were and knowing

686
00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:30,320
Speaker 1: the potential that you had even when we met at

687
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:33,520
Speaker 1: eighteen years old, and seeing the man you've become. I

688
00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:35,920
Speaker 1: would love for our boys to be, you know, a

689
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:38,400
Speaker 1: fraction of who you are. No for sure, and you

690
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:40,120
Speaker 1: know we joke a lot on the show, but you

691
00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:43,080
Speaker 1: know I love you, and I totally look at the

692
00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:44,640
Speaker 1: man that you are, and I would love for my

693
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:49,240
Speaker 1: boys embody all that you are for the most part,

694
00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:51,200
Speaker 1: except for like the piles of clothes you leave around

695
00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:55,120
Speaker 1: on the floor because I'm tired of p one now

696
00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:57,960
Speaker 1: you do the whole suitcase. But I appreciate the fact

697
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,760
Speaker 1: that that you are this person, and I I lean

698
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:04,160
Speaker 1: on you as their father to be that for them

699
00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:05,920
Speaker 1: because I know that there's going to come a point

700
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,120
Speaker 1: where now, okay, the babies are kind of like all

701
00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:10,120
Speaker 1: into Mommy and Nini and they like to be cuddled

702
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,319
Speaker 1: and whatnot, but there's going to come a point where

703
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:14,600
Speaker 1: the boy needs his dad. And Jackson, I feel like

704
00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:18,120
Speaker 1: it's on that he's in that that weird um, that

705
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,759
Speaker 1: weird age where he's kind of like spiraled away from

706
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:23,680
Speaker 1: me and he's just like he's daddy's boy. Right now

707
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:28,440
Speaker 1: he's eight, yeah, I'm saying nine, and then he might

708
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:31,479
Speaker 1: float back my way around thirteen fourteen when he starts

709
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:35,040
Speaker 1: smelling herself and he's gonna want to ally. So that's

710
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:36,839
Speaker 1: why I tell Jackson, don't be trying to side at

711
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,480
Speaker 1: me when I'm crazy now, and then you want to

712
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:41,279
Speaker 1: come back to me when you and your father ain't

713
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:44,040
Speaker 1: on the good terms or you're thirteen and fourteen years old,

714
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,160
Speaker 1: because he might be trying to flex his muscles a

715
00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:47,600
Speaker 1: little bit. You know. Then I'm gonna need you to

716
00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:51,000
Speaker 1: remember this conversation. Okay, when Jackson becomes a teenager and

717
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:52,600
Speaker 1: it comes time where that discipline is going to have

718
00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:54,799
Speaker 1: to be a lot harder. Because this is the one

719
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:58,279
Speaker 1: thing that kills me about discipline kids. Right. These experts

720
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:00,760
Speaker 1: and all of these people, right, all of these books

721
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:03,759
Speaker 1: and all these things about how you're supposed to discipline kids, right,

722
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:08,080
Speaker 1: and here's the reality. They talk about disciplining kids who

723
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:12,040
Speaker 1: don't deal with the black experience. Right, You can't you

724
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:14,520
Speaker 1: can't deal with corporate punishment. You shouldn't scream it them.

725
00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:18,160
Speaker 1: Blah blah blah blah blah. What kills me about that

726
00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:20,719
Speaker 1: is my son's when they walk out into the world,

727
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:23,120
Speaker 1: are not gonna be dealt with the same way as

728
00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:25,399
Speaker 1: every other normal kid that walks out into the world.

729
00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:28,480
Speaker 1: So I can't discipline in the same way, you know

730
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:30,759
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Like when I was growing up, I

731
00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:34,440
Speaker 1: remember asking my grandmother who grew up in South Carolina.

732
00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:38,120
Speaker 1: She um, she grew up in South Carolina, dealt with

733
00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:41,319
Speaker 1: Jim Crow, my grandfather, my grandfather, dealt with Jim Crow,

734
00:35:41,840 --> 00:35:45,319
Speaker 1: fought in the Korean War, dealt with racism overseas while

735
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:47,960
Speaker 1: fighting for this country. Right. I remember saying, like, non, no,

736
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:49,960
Speaker 1: Like why you always hit us with the fly swatter?

737
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:51,880
Speaker 1: Why we got to hit with the belt? Like what's like?

738
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:54,919
Speaker 1: Why why you gotta beat us like slaves? Right? And

739
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:58,359
Speaker 1: she made a very very strong point. She said, when

740
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:00,879
Speaker 1: I was growing up, if you were a black boy

741
00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:05,359
Speaker 1: and you stepped out a line, you could die and

742
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:08,880
Speaker 1: nobody will come to your defense. And I remember saying, like,

743
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:12,160
Speaker 1: what you mean you could die? She was like, somebody

744
00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:15,200
Speaker 1: could kill you. Somebody you step out of line. You

745
00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:17,560
Speaker 1: you're supposed to be somewhere, you're not there, someone can

746
00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:21,840
Speaker 1: snatch you, lynch you kill you. So for her, she

747
00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:26,520
Speaker 1: like she parented with force because she was trying to

748
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,080
Speaker 1: protect her kids. And as often as people say, well

749
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:31,120
Speaker 1: now we know better, we got to do different. Times

750
00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:34,640
Speaker 1: have changed, Times have not changed that much. People are

751
00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:38,880
Speaker 1: still getting killed in the street. Mass incarceration is still

752
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:41,400
Speaker 1: huge in America. And then when you think about the

753
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:45,080
Speaker 1: things that came out with Mike Bloomberg and what he said,

754
00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,920
Speaker 1: we grew up in stopping frisk. I've been stopped in

755
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:55,880
Speaker 1: frisk as an adult, as a full fledged tax paying adult,

756
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:58,760
Speaker 1: I would stop and frisk my stuff through on the floor.

757
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:01,480
Speaker 1: So from me, when people say to me, oh, well

758
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:03,680
Speaker 1: we have to you know things have changed, they have not.

759
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:08,360
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna parent my boys with that same ferocity

760
00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:11,200
Speaker 1: as my parents and grandparents did because that's what made

761
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:13,239
Speaker 1: me who I am. That's what kept me safe in

762
00:37:13,239 --> 00:37:17,960
Speaker 1: the streets. Being alert, being aware of being respectful, understanding authority,

763
00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:20,319
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, Always being on time, being

764
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:23,040
Speaker 1: where you're supposed to be. It's easy for some people

765
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,960
Speaker 1: to say, oh, you know, they'll learn, boys will be boys,

766
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:28,800
Speaker 1: kids will be kids. Because your kids and your boys

767
00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:32,480
Speaker 1: are given leeway, My boys may not be given the

768
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:35,960
Speaker 1: same leeway. You can see by the way we're punished

769
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:39,919
Speaker 1: in the judicial system, criminal justice system like and that's

770
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:43,000
Speaker 1: the reason why our parents so hard. And I think

771
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:45,960
Speaker 1: you know, for you as a mom, you guys like

772
00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:50,279
Speaker 1: you and your mom nurture in the world. You want

773
00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:53,000
Speaker 1: them to come to a safe place love. I want

774
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:56,560
Speaker 1: for that and then and they need both. But I

775
00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:59,000
Speaker 1: think you know for people listening, Becaudine and I have

776
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:03,480
Speaker 1: had these conversations plenty of times. So when it comes

777
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:05,720
Speaker 1: time to making a decision of how we're gonna parent

778
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:08,279
Speaker 1: our kids, we speak to each other first and we

779
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:11,680
Speaker 1: give each other the why why is it important for

780
00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,440
Speaker 1: you devoured a parent like this? Well, why is it

781
00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:16,240
Speaker 1: important for you to con deem to be no training?

782
00:38:16,239 --> 00:38:18,200
Speaker 1: You want to know why? It's important because when the

783
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,480
Speaker 1: kid gets you know, a little bit of harsh love

784
00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:22,960
Speaker 1: from his dad, it's good to run into your mom's

785
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:25,280
Speaker 1: arms and still know that home is a safe place

786
00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:28,279
Speaker 1: for you know what I'm saying. So it's important for

787
00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:31,239
Speaker 1: us to have different perspectives on how to parent but

788
00:38:31,320 --> 00:38:33,840
Speaker 1: if we share with each other, we can both parent

789
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:36,640
Speaker 1: these boys and give them the best of ourselves so

790
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 1: they can go out in the world and be prepared.

791
00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:39,800
Speaker 1: That was a great point because I was gonna ask you, like,

792
00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:42,520
Speaker 1: what did you learn from like your parents when you

793
00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:44,879
Speaker 1: think about your approach to discipline and parenting. So that's

794
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:47,080
Speaker 1: that actually goes back to your grandparents, since you spend

795
00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:49,719
Speaker 1: so much time with them, you know, in the summertime.

796
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:51,520
Speaker 1: So that makes a whole lot of sense, and I

797
00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:54,319
Speaker 1: can understand it. And that's why I've never really stepped in.

798
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:56,359
Speaker 1: And even when you do discipline, and for example, if

799
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:58,759
Speaker 1: you do feel like a time out is necessary, you know,

800
00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:02,319
Speaker 1: you put cat in time out, make you go get

801
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:04,040
Speaker 1: cats out of time out, because I never want to

802
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:07,120
Speaker 1: make a scene like he could play both sides, you know,

803
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:09,319
Speaker 1: we we never do that either. It's like we don't

804
00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:11,200
Speaker 1: We don't do the whole like Daddy's gonna put you

805
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:12,520
Speaker 1: in time out and then mom is going to come

806
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:14,960
Speaker 1: to the rescue, because then that kind of forces the

807
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:18,080
Speaker 1: good cop back cat to surface. So I always whoever

808
00:39:18,239 --> 00:39:22,000
Speaker 1: started that discipline is going to finish it off and

809
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:24,200
Speaker 1: end with the big hug because I'm glad you said that,

810
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,480
Speaker 1: because that's important. That's that's a rule that we made

811
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:29,160
Speaker 1: in our house. Whoever starts to discipline finishes the discipline.

812
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,439
Speaker 1: So if Kay puts one of the kids in time out,

813
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:34,080
Speaker 1: she is responsible for taking them out of time out

814
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:36,120
Speaker 1: so that they get the completion of the discipline. They

815
00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:38,640
Speaker 1: don't feel like one parent rescued them from the other.

816
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:41,680
Speaker 1: The same way if if you start corporate punishment, you

817
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:44,359
Speaker 1: have to finish with a hug and a conversation like

818
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:47,240
Speaker 1: that's That's one thing I think I've I've changed from

819
00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:50,319
Speaker 1: my grandparents, and I got this from my parents. My

820
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:53,640
Speaker 1: father never hit me without an explanation. Growing up with

821
00:39:53,719 --> 00:39:56,040
Speaker 1: my grandparents, they grew up with a children were to

822
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:58,760
Speaker 1: be seen and not heard. So you got hit, sometimes

823
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:01,520
Speaker 1: you got beat, and then you couldn't even ask why.

824
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:03,799
Speaker 1: You wouldn't even be told why. And if you ask

825
00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:05,440
Speaker 1: why I get beat it, well you ask you you're

826
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:09,640
Speaker 1: talking back. My parents weren't like that. My parents disciplined me,

827
00:40:09,680 --> 00:40:12,160
Speaker 1: and they had tons of conversations, and I remember even

828
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:13,560
Speaker 1: some of my aunt's uncles would be like, you know

829
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:16,799
Speaker 1: what your problem is? You talk too much to them? Yeah,

830
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:19,279
Speaker 1: I was gonna say because with the even with the

831
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,879
Speaker 1: attitude of the talking back, Like, where do we draw

832
00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,560
Speaker 1: the line with children when we enable them and we

833
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:27,240
Speaker 1: want them to be or encourage them to be vocal

834
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:30,040
Speaker 1: about how they feel, but it's not to a point

835
00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:32,200
Speaker 1: where they feel like they can always have the last word.

836
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,280
Speaker 1: Because we do a lot to have conversations with Jackson too,

837
00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:37,880
Speaker 1: but sometimes he will go back and forth with me,

838
00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:40,239
Speaker 1: is if this is some sparring match, and I'm just like,

839
00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:42,040
Speaker 1: what we're not gonna do is you're gonna go back

840
00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:43,440
Speaker 1: and forth with me like you have to have the

841
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,280
Speaker 1: last word, you know. So there's like a fine line

842
00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:49,680
Speaker 1: between wanting them to be vocal and expressing how they feel,

843
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:52,759
Speaker 1: but also knowing like a challengese to stay within their place.

844
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:55,359
Speaker 1: A child definitely needs to stay in the challenge place.

845
00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:57,600
Speaker 1: But I think there's a fine line between wanting an

846
00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:01,040
Speaker 1: answer and then getting the answer that you want. You

847
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:03,440
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I think sometimes with children they

848
00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:06,000
Speaker 1: won't stop until they get the answer they want. And

849
00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:07,640
Speaker 1: for me as a parent, it's like I'm giving you

850
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:09,839
Speaker 1: an answer. Once I've given you an answer, you take

851
00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:12,040
Speaker 1: it and that's it, and that's it. And I'm not

852
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:13,840
Speaker 1: gonna not give you an answer, because the thing I

853
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:15,439
Speaker 1: used to hate the most when I was a kid

854
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:18,480
Speaker 1: was don't ask me no questions or because I said so.

855
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:22,239
Speaker 1: Because I said so to me was probably like the

856
00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:24,600
Speaker 1: dumbest thing I ever heard of. My mom used to

857
00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:27,080
Speaker 1: just say no, and I'd be like, it's something simple

858
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:29,319
Speaker 1: as like hey, can I go next door and play

859
00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:31,440
Speaker 1: with my friends? And She'll just say no, and I'll

860
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:34,279
Speaker 1: be like, well, well, why no? Like why I can't

861
00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:36,759
Speaker 1: say yes to everything? You know? I have to say no?

862
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,719
Speaker 1: Sometimes I can't say yes to everything, and I'm just

863
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:43,680
Speaker 1: understand why what? And then but then now I'm like, oh,

864
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:50,600
Speaker 1: g she is me. She We become our parents. We

865
00:41:50,719 --> 00:41:52,840
Speaker 1: become our parents because something happens to you when you

866
00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:55,319
Speaker 1: become a parent, and everything that you think you're gonna

867
00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:58,240
Speaker 1: do when you're not a parent changes because that person,

868
00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:01,359
Speaker 1: that heartbeat that was inside you was now out here

869
00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:04,440
Speaker 1: with arms and legs in a face, looking just like you,

870
00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:08,399
Speaker 1: walking around in this tough, difficult world. It's funny because

871
00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:10,200
Speaker 1: I was looking at um on our sheet today is

872
00:42:10,239 --> 00:42:13,279
Speaker 1: talking about some stuff that came from some facts from

873
00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:16,560
Speaker 1: very well family. There's four kinds of parenting styles, and

874
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:18,840
Speaker 1: you could be anyone or combination of these. So the

875
00:42:18,880 --> 00:42:22,440
Speaker 1: one that you just said literally was the authoritarian parenting.

876
00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:25,760
Speaker 1: So pretty much this person is famous for saying because

877
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:28,480
Speaker 1: I said so, when a child questioned the reason behind

878
00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:31,560
Speaker 1: the rule, they're not interested in negotiating and their focus

879
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:35,360
Speaker 1: is on obedience. So that's the very old school mentality

880
00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:38,279
Speaker 1: at least. I know our grandparents had my mom, you know,

881
00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:40,359
Speaker 1: my dad. Coming from the Islands, it was like this

882
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:42,760
Speaker 1: kind of the same effect, very similar to your grandparents

883
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,000
Speaker 1: in the South. It's like, don't ask me any questions,

884
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:48,439
Speaker 1: That's what I said. Then there's the authoritative parents, who

885
00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:52,800
Speaker 1: invests time and energy into preventing behavior problems before they start.

886
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:57,400
Speaker 1: They also use positive discipline strategies to enforce good behavior,

887
00:42:57,480 --> 00:43:00,640
Speaker 1: like praise and reward systems. I can say we pull

888
00:43:00,719 --> 00:43:03,120
Speaker 1: from that for sure. That a little bit of that.

889
00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:07,560
Speaker 1: Then there's the permissive parenting. They often only step in

890
00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:10,640
Speaker 1: when there's a serious problem. They're quite forgiving, and they

891
00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:14,360
Speaker 1: adopt an attitude of kids will be kids. You do

892
00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:16,200
Speaker 1: that a lot to like they're they're boys. There can

893
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:19,800
Speaker 1: jump around, they can jump around. When they do use consequences.

894
00:43:19,840 --> 00:43:23,000
Speaker 1: They may not make those consequences stick. They might give

895
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:25,120
Speaker 1: privileges back if the child begs, or if they allowed

896
00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:27,839
Speaker 1: a child to get out of time out early if

897
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:30,600
Speaker 1: he promises to be good. Actually, you know, that's that's

898
00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:33,840
Speaker 1: neither of us. We could probably scratch that wholemise the

899
00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:35,960
Speaker 1: whole yeah, the premise of one. And then um, the

900
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:40,200
Speaker 1: uninvolved parenting. So, uninvolved parents tend to have little knowledge

901
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:42,560
Speaker 1: of what their kids are doing. They tend to be

902
00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:45,000
Speaker 1: fear Okay, so this is not us at all. The

903
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:48,279
Speaker 1: kids may not be received much guidance nurturing. Okay, so

904
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:50,839
Speaker 1: the uninvolved parent, that's definitely not us. And I don't

905
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:53,080
Speaker 1: think I know many parents like that. I want to say,

906
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:56,680
Speaker 1: we're maybe around the authority for sure, you know, but

907
00:43:56,960 --> 00:44:00,120
Speaker 1: I can sometimes be an authoritarian at times. Be as

908
00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:04,359
Speaker 1: of the factors that I expressed, I do fear that

909
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:06,480
Speaker 1: my kids will grow up at some point in their

910
00:44:06,520 --> 00:44:09,040
Speaker 1: life they may feel privileged because they used to speak

911
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:11,120
Speaker 1: in their mind and not understand that if you speak

912
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:13,239
Speaker 1: your mind to the wrong person in this country, you

913
00:44:13,239 --> 00:44:16,080
Speaker 1: can lose your life. I do fear that, and sometimes

914
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:18,600
Speaker 1: I feel like you just need to be obedient and

915
00:44:18,719 --> 00:44:21,879
Speaker 1: know went how to get out of the situation. Come

916
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:24,360
Speaker 1: get your dad, and now we're gonna handle the importance

917
00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:27,000
Speaker 1: be able to navigate that and to say, you know what,

918
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:28,960
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna stop talking. I don't need to have

919
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:32,239
Speaker 1: the last word exactly, and move forward after that. The

920
00:44:32,320 --> 00:44:35,920
Speaker 1: one thing that I've learned from my uncle Kevin, who

921
00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:39,800
Speaker 1: twenty four years on the police department as a detective.

922
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:44,040
Speaker 1: The first thing you need to do is get home.

923
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:47,359
Speaker 1: You can deal with everything else later. You get into

924
00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:50,360
Speaker 1: it back and forth with a cop about respect and

925
00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:53,120
Speaker 1: stuff like that, you ask me, not get home. You

926
00:44:53,239 --> 00:44:56,040
Speaker 1: have to get home. Once you get home, you get

927
00:44:56,040 --> 00:44:58,759
Speaker 1: a badge number, you get a name. Let's deal with

928
00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:01,200
Speaker 1: it accordingly. You know what I'm saying. You have to

929
00:45:01,200 --> 00:45:03,680
Speaker 1: get home first. There's no need to talk about respect

930
00:45:03,719 --> 00:45:06,319
Speaker 1: if you can't even get home. And I think that

931
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:09,719
Speaker 1: comes to learning how to be obedient and discipline in

932
00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:12,560
Speaker 1: a moment so that you can make the right move.

933
00:45:12,719 --> 00:45:14,480
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. You have to make the

934
00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:16,640
Speaker 1: right move in order to get your point across. And

935
00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:19,719
Speaker 1: this is a four years in the police department. He said,

936
00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:21,239
Speaker 1: he told me this, and that's the one thing I

937
00:45:21,239 --> 00:45:24,439
Speaker 1: do worry about and it's sad that I'm still thinking

938
00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:28,279
Speaker 1: about the same things, but I do grow up when

939
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:30,600
Speaker 1: I think about my boys. That's what I fear. I

940
00:45:30,640 --> 00:45:32,840
Speaker 1: fear about them going to to college and making a

941
00:45:32,880 --> 00:45:36,439
Speaker 1: poor decision and now their whole life is ruined because

942
00:45:36,440 --> 00:45:38,560
Speaker 1: they made a poor decisions true, or even some of

943
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:41,600
Speaker 1: those strong qualities that they do have. You know, I

944
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:44,839
Speaker 1: feel like all of our boys have these strong independent

945
00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:48,799
Speaker 1: qualities within themselves, and they deal with things differently, and

946
00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:51,439
Speaker 1: their processes may be different, but I like that all

947
00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:54,400
Speaker 1: of them are vocal um. Casts tend to be a

948
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:56,040
Speaker 1: little bit where he's a baby still, so we're still

949
00:45:56,080 --> 00:45:57,680
Speaker 1: trying to figure out casts. But cast seems to have

950
00:45:57,680 --> 00:46:01,560
Speaker 1: a little temporary situation um, you know if even if

951
00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:03,719
Speaker 1: he does something wrong, if you drop something, gets mad

952
00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:06,000
Speaker 1: at himself and all that. But it's like some of

953
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:07,840
Speaker 1: those qualities that they have. I want them to be

954
00:46:07,880 --> 00:46:10,960
Speaker 1: able to be vocal and speak up for themselves and

955
00:46:11,040 --> 00:46:13,880
Speaker 1: just be able to engage in conversation with other people,

956
00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:16,919
Speaker 1: adults and whatnot, but just knowing when to scale back.

957
00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:20,080
Speaker 1: There's always like that that fine line um with it.

958
00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:22,120
Speaker 1: But I think we do a pretty good job. You know,

959
00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:27,840
Speaker 1: it's funny watching um you as a parent. You know,

960
00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:29,880
Speaker 1: one of the questions we had today on the rundown

961
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:34,040
Speaker 1: was how it affects our relationship or how it's changed

962
00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:38,360
Speaker 1: our relationship you and I watching the other person parents,

963
00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:42,800
Speaker 1: or watching the other person as a mom or dad? Um,

964
00:46:42,960 --> 00:46:45,120
Speaker 1: has anything changed for you since I've become a mom

965
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:47,560
Speaker 1: thinking about me back then or maybe maybe a mom

966
00:46:47,640 --> 00:46:50,520
Speaker 1: of multiple children? Now? Do you think anything has changed

967
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:51,759
Speaker 1: for you in terms of how you look at me?

968
00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:55,080
Speaker 1: Or is it kind of just yeah, things things have

969
00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:57,319
Speaker 1: changed because when you when you get married and you're

970
00:46:57,320 --> 00:46:58,960
Speaker 1: in love with a person, you just think about that

971
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:02,759
Speaker 1: person as you're that's my partner, you know, like that's

972
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:07,920
Speaker 1: that's my partner. Her responsibility is me. My responsibility is her.

973
00:47:08,600 --> 00:47:11,200
Speaker 1: You know, all of your ideas and thoughts and energy

974
00:47:11,239 --> 00:47:13,359
Speaker 1: needs to go towards me because I'm putting the same

975
00:47:13,440 --> 00:47:16,960
Speaker 1: energy into you. I literally sit back now and watch

976
00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:20,680
Speaker 1: you put so much energy into three little people. You

977
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:22,840
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So it's kind of like I

978
00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:25,799
Speaker 1: get I get it, Like I get it, you know,

979
00:47:25,880 --> 00:47:30,000
Speaker 1: like I'm not the priority anymore. I'm not. You know,

980
00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:33,120
Speaker 1: we're talking in relationships so often about how your partner

981
00:47:33,200 --> 00:47:36,280
Speaker 1: still has to be a priority. I think that's okay

982
00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:39,239
Speaker 1: when you're an empty nestor. But we both have three

983
00:47:39,280 --> 00:47:41,960
Speaker 1: little people who didn't have to be here. They're here

984
00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:44,560
Speaker 1: off of our guilty pleasures, so we owe it to

985
00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:49,920
Speaker 1: them to make them the priority in these next eighteen years.

986
00:47:50,600 --> 00:47:53,200
Speaker 1: So ultimately it's changed because I've learned how not to

987
00:47:53,239 --> 00:47:55,759
Speaker 1: be the priority. Yeah, I mean that's difficult for you

988
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:57,719
Speaker 1: sometimes because I wanted I was, as you're saying this,

989
00:47:57,800 --> 00:48:01,719
Speaker 1: I'm thinking to myself, it sounds good that they're the priority,

990
00:48:01,840 --> 00:48:04,439
Speaker 1: but you definitely have your moments where you still need

991
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:07,360
Speaker 1: your wife absolutely, you know. And that's that's something that

992
00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:10,200
Speaker 1: we also are trying to work through also, because yes,

993
00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:14,160
Speaker 1: these children are here. It may seem like we have

994
00:48:14,680 --> 00:48:18,040
Speaker 1: so much time with them, but we don't. I forget

995
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:20,560
Speaker 1: what the saying says. It's like the nights are long,

996
00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:23,200
Speaker 1: but the years are short, or something like that. And

997
00:48:23,239 --> 00:48:24,879
Speaker 1: I had seen that the other day and literally got

998
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:27,040
Speaker 1: all taria because I'm like, this is so true. Like

999
00:48:27,880 --> 00:48:30,800
Speaker 1: he's eight in like another decade. I think about it,

1000
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:32,880
Speaker 1: We've been married a decade. In another decade, he'll be

1001
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:37,600
Speaker 1: eighteen years old, Like what nine years? I mean technically

1002
00:48:37,680 --> 00:48:39,560
Speaker 1: nine years half of his time he's going to spend

1003
00:48:39,560 --> 00:48:43,080
Speaker 1: what he spent it already. Don't say that he'll be nine.

1004
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:45,359
Speaker 1: I know nine years from now he'll be graduate from

1005
00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:48,040
Speaker 1: high school and headed off to college. If I mean, though,

1006
00:48:48,080 --> 00:48:51,399
Speaker 1: eighteen is like adult what we claim to be adult now.

1007
00:48:51,480 --> 00:48:58,560
Speaker 1: But still I might a step You are such a

1008
00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:03,640
Speaker 1: thinking about the leaveing the house. Oh my god, I'm

1009
00:49:03,680 --> 00:49:08,200
Speaker 1: not ready. Guys, gonna have to commit me. I'm not.

1010
00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:11,640
Speaker 1: But it's just yeah, it's like it's parenting. It's it's

1011
00:49:11,719 --> 00:49:16,080
Speaker 1: so complex and there's so many different layers, and you know,

1012
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:18,879
Speaker 1: I just feel fortunate, Like I actually the question how

1013
00:49:19,600 --> 00:49:21,640
Speaker 1: looking at me? If you look at me any differently

1014
00:49:21,680 --> 00:49:23,600
Speaker 1: as a as a as a woman, as a wife,

1015
00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:26,480
Speaker 1: as a mom, having kids, and for me, when I

1016
00:49:26,520 --> 00:49:29,799
Speaker 1: look at you, it's funny. I hear a lot of

1017
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,239
Speaker 1: women say that they fall even more in love with

1018
00:49:32,280 --> 00:49:35,160
Speaker 1: their spouse or you know, with their their child's father

1019
00:49:35,680 --> 00:49:38,640
Speaker 1: when they see them as a father, especially when they're

1020
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:40,680
Speaker 1: such a dynamic father like you are. I think it

1021
00:49:40,719 --> 00:49:42,759
Speaker 1: just makes me love you that much more because I

1022
00:49:42,800 --> 00:49:46,640
Speaker 1: see how much you pour into those children you're trying

1023
00:49:46,640 --> 00:49:52,160
Speaker 1: to what is coming around the corner. Let me past.

1024
00:49:55,040 --> 00:49:57,839
Speaker 1: Can I not speak from the heart, you can know,

1025
00:49:57,920 --> 00:50:00,640
Speaker 1: but seriously, like there's there's definitely the you in that.

1026
00:50:00,760 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 1: And I see that and I appreciate that, and it

1027
00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:06,319
Speaker 1: just makes me. It reiterates to me that I feel

1028
00:50:06,320 --> 00:50:09,400
Speaker 1: like we both have made the right decision. I absolutely

1029
00:50:09,480 --> 00:50:11,360
Speaker 1: do think about how much you love me. If we

1030
00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:15,200
Speaker 1: had a girl, think about that. Can you snap your

1031
00:50:15,200 --> 00:50:17,480
Speaker 1: fingers and year if I gave you a little codeine?

1032
00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:20,120
Speaker 1: That would be interesting to see how it would be different,

1033
00:50:20,760 --> 00:50:24,080
Speaker 1: the different dynamics. I think the dynams would be totally different.

1034
00:50:24,080 --> 00:50:26,759
Speaker 1: But I think it'd be great too, for sure. And

1035
00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:28,600
Speaker 1: I do, I do love have a different type of

1036
00:50:28,600 --> 00:50:31,200
Speaker 1: love for you now is the mother of my children? Yeah? Yeah,

1037
00:50:31,280 --> 00:50:34,640
Speaker 1: like I We we have these conversations amongst my friends

1038
00:50:34,719 --> 00:50:38,000
Speaker 1: all the time, like my girl. This for the record,

1039
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:46,320
Speaker 1: there it is Tiger Woods is one of our most

1040
00:50:46,480 --> 00:50:51,680
Speaker 1: inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters.

1041
00:50:52,160 --> 00:50:56,759
Speaker 1: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior,

1042
00:50:57,360 --> 00:51:04,799
Speaker 1: but here it is what turn to glory. This is

1043
00:51:04,880 --> 00:51:08,480
Speaker 1: All American, a new series from Stitcher, hosted by me

1044
00:51:09,000 --> 00:51:11,600
Speaker 1: Jordan Bell, you realize Tiger Wis doesn't know who he

1045
00:51:11,719 --> 00:51:15,680
Speaker 1: is in the history of golf, no question in my mind.

1046
00:51:17,440 --> 00:51:20,040
Speaker 1: And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen,

1047
00:51:20,920 --> 00:51:24,799
Speaker 1: we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that

1048
00:51:24,880 --> 00:51:29,920
Speaker 1: the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong?

1049
00:51:30,560 --> 00:51:33,960
Speaker 1: All American Tiger is out now. Listen in Stitcher, Apple

1050
00:51:34,000 --> 00:51:38,240
Speaker 1: Podcasts or your favorite podcast app. Friend, you see my girlfriend,

1051
00:51:38,239 --> 00:51:40,319
Speaker 1: don't mess with me and my girlfriend. I'll suck you up.

1052
00:51:40,360 --> 00:51:42,279
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. That's my wife. You know,

1053
00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:44,440
Speaker 1: it's my wife. You know. I'll go to jail for

1054
00:51:44,480 --> 00:51:47,680
Speaker 1: my wife, the mother of my children. I die for

1055
00:51:47,719 --> 00:51:50,239
Speaker 1: the mother of my children. Facts, I would like that's

1056
00:51:50,480 --> 00:51:53,319
Speaker 1: is that serious for me? I hear you, you know.

1057
00:51:53,400 --> 00:51:56,160
Speaker 1: And like I said, I don't mind not being a priority,

1058
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:58,400
Speaker 1: but I don't want to be forgotten, you know absolutely,

1059
00:51:58,480 --> 00:52:03,640
Speaker 1: That's that's where that comes from. I can't forget you.

1060
00:52:04,320 --> 00:52:06,520
Speaker 1: I can't forget you. And before the kids got here,

1061
00:52:06,560 --> 00:52:13,960
Speaker 1: it was be bro yeah you buddy. All right, So

1062
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:16,040
Speaker 1: we talked to Parrington today. We're gonna take a quick

1063
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:19,160
Speaker 1: break and move into listener letters after we get into

1064
00:52:19,160 --> 00:52:34,080
Speaker 1: some ads. Let's stick around, all right, guys, we're back

1065
00:52:34,120 --> 00:52:36,920
Speaker 1: to Codeine's favorite part of the show. Oh God, you

1066
00:52:36,920 --> 00:52:38,839
Speaker 1: act like that's in the script every time you say

1067
00:52:38,880 --> 00:52:41,320
Speaker 1: it every week, triple? Can we change that in the

1068
00:52:41,360 --> 00:52:47,239
Speaker 1: script that my favorite time nosy Wednesdays. All right, I'll

1069
00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:51,480
Speaker 1: read this one first. Let's go question divinan Codeine? How

1070
00:52:51,520 --> 00:52:53,719
Speaker 1: do I co parent with someone I do not like?

1071
00:52:54,960 --> 00:52:57,239
Speaker 1: My child is six months old. The father was not

1072
00:52:57,360 --> 00:53:00,239
Speaker 1: there for me during my extremely rough pregnancy, and since

1073
00:53:00,239 --> 00:53:02,680
Speaker 1: our son was born, he has moved closer to be

1074
00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:05,640
Speaker 1: with him. Although I'm grateful for the help, I have

1075
00:53:05,760 --> 00:53:08,200
Speaker 1: resentment because I would break up was so bad because

1076
00:53:08,239 --> 00:53:10,680
Speaker 1: he had me blocked the entire nine months I was pregnant.

1077
00:53:11,040 --> 00:53:14,239
Speaker 1: He largely contributed to my prenato depression. How do I

1078
00:53:14,280 --> 00:53:16,319
Speaker 1: compare with him when I can't stand him and I

1079
00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:21,120
Speaker 1: feel like I'm not respected by him? Well, here's a

1080
00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:25,719
Speaker 1: simple thing, you guys. Relationship has to be separated from

1081
00:53:25,800 --> 00:53:28,560
Speaker 1: his relationship as a dad. The one thing I'll say

1082
00:53:28,600 --> 00:53:31,200
Speaker 1: that I've seen people do is they take out all

1083
00:53:31,239 --> 00:53:34,560
Speaker 1: their resentment from the relationship and place it and use

1084
00:53:34,600 --> 00:53:37,080
Speaker 1: the child as a pond. If he's a good father,

1085
00:53:37,520 --> 00:53:40,880
Speaker 1: you co parent on those standards That he's a good father.

1086
00:53:41,239 --> 00:53:43,399
Speaker 1: Everything else you have to leave behind because once again,

1087
00:53:43,440 --> 00:53:47,319
Speaker 1: that child did not ask to come here, period. So

1088
00:53:47,400 --> 00:53:49,640
Speaker 1: what don't don't include anything with the child has to

1089
00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:52,400
Speaker 1: do everything we're comparing now. If he chooses to disrespect

1090
00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:53,680
Speaker 1: you in front of the child, you have to have

1091
00:53:53,719 --> 00:53:57,120
Speaker 1: a conversation with him about that. But bringing up the past,

1092
00:53:57,320 --> 00:53:59,239
Speaker 1: bringing up the past and stuff that happened prior to

1093
00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:02,839
Speaker 1: the child being Yeah, sorry, han Man, but but I

1094
00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:04,600
Speaker 1: feel like you just need to let that go and

1095
00:54:04,719 --> 00:54:06,600
Speaker 1: just co parent. Let him be what he is, which

1096
00:54:06,640 --> 00:54:08,400
Speaker 1: is a dad. You be what you are, which is

1097
00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:10,759
Speaker 1: a mom, and y'all love that child equally. Yeah, the

1098
00:54:10,800 --> 00:54:13,919
Speaker 1: separation is so real, like um, the co parenting versus

1099
00:54:14,320 --> 00:54:17,040
Speaker 1: versus the relationship. But I can understand where she's coming from.

1100
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:20,160
Speaker 1: As a woman who's been pregnant, having difficult pregnancies and

1101
00:54:20,320 --> 00:54:23,640
Speaker 1: just you know, having prenatal depression, that can be a

1102
00:54:23,680 --> 00:54:26,200
Speaker 1: really rough and lonely time, especially if that's someone who

1103
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:29,200
Speaker 1: you both like, clearly created a child together, your child's

1104
00:54:29,239 --> 00:54:31,719
Speaker 1: only six months. Part of it, maybe you're dealing with

1105
00:54:31,719 --> 00:54:34,200
Speaker 1: a little bit of postpartum depression as well. If you

1106
00:54:34,320 --> 00:54:37,400
Speaker 1: had a difficult pregnancy, not having the support from him,

1107
00:54:37,440 --> 00:54:40,600
Speaker 1: because naturally you probably wanted the support from the child

1108
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:43,399
Speaker 1: of your the father of your child, so you may

1109
00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:45,440
Speaker 1: have a little bit of a residual effect of that,

1110
00:54:45,760 --> 00:54:47,279
Speaker 1: um that you're dealing with now too. But I kind

1111
00:54:47,320 --> 00:54:49,200
Speaker 1: of tend to agree with Devout in the sense, I'm like,

1112
00:54:49,239 --> 00:54:51,160
Speaker 1: you know, trying to separate the two. I know it's

1113
00:54:51,160 --> 00:54:53,799
Speaker 1: probably difficult, and I know, probably even just having the

1114
00:54:53,840 --> 00:54:58,000
Speaker 1: conversation sometimes to just you know, decide on like Okay,

1115
00:54:57,960 --> 00:55:00,120
Speaker 1: you're gonna pick up the kid on this day, or

1116
00:55:00,160 --> 00:55:01,880
Speaker 1: like what time are we gonna do that. Sometimes simple

1117
00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:05,080
Speaker 1: conversations cannot be that simple when you don't like someone,

1118
00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:07,720
Speaker 1: and I've seen that from just other friends and family

1119
00:55:07,760 --> 00:55:09,640
Speaker 1: members that we've had, you know, dealing with you know,

1120
00:55:09,840 --> 00:55:12,080
Speaker 1: happen to co parent. It's like sometimes you really just

1121
00:55:12,120 --> 00:55:13,440
Speaker 1: don't want to have to pick up the phone to

1122
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:16,640
Speaker 1: deal with this person. But for the betterment of the child,

1123
00:55:16,960 --> 00:55:19,160
Speaker 1: for the child to grow up in a somewhat healthy

1124
00:55:19,280 --> 00:55:22,879
Speaker 1: environment on both sides, Um, you know, try to see

1125
00:55:23,120 --> 00:55:25,440
Speaker 1: how you can just kind of put that aside and

1126
00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:27,560
Speaker 1: just kind of deal with it, because I know it's

1127
00:55:27,640 --> 00:55:30,520
Speaker 1: it's hard, especially he blocked her the entire nime months

1128
00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:33,439
Speaker 1: and stuff, and we don't know the back story either

1129
00:55:33,480 --> 00:55:35,920
Speaker 1: about what happened with their breakup in their relationship. You

1130
00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:38,359
Speaker 1: know why he felt the need to do that. But

1131
00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:40,040
Speaker 1: but my thing is, if she can find peace within

1132
00:55:40,080 --> 00:55:42,920
Speaker 1: herself and happiness within herself, it's not gonna matter what

1133
00:55:43,000 --> 00:55:46,879
Speaker 1: happened with them pre natal because if she can find

1134
00:55:46,920 --> 00:55:49,799
Speaker 1: that peace and happiness, her ability to co parent will

1135
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:52,880
Speaker 1: be the father's ability to be a great father with

1136
00:55:52,920 --> 00:55:54,840
Speaker 1: the son, and that's all they need to co parent.

1137
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:57,000
Speaker 1: So as long as she can find happiness, and that's

1138
00:55:57,160 --> 00:56:00,000
Speaker 1: you know, that's my advice to you, all right, don't

1139
00:56:00,080 --> 00:56:01,920
Speaker 1: worry about everything that happened in the past because you

1140
00:56:01,920 --> 00:56:03,680
Speaker 1: can't change it. The past is the past. Take this

1141
00:56:03,760 --> 00:56:07,680
Speaker 1: time while trying to co parent and create a peace

1142
00:56:07,719 --> 00:56:10,680
Speaker 1: in a space where you are happy within yourself, you'll

1143
00:56:10,719 --> 00:56:12,280
Speaker 1: find it easy to deal with a lot of people

1144
00:56:12,320 --> 00:56:15,000
Speaker 1: you don't like, because if you like yourself and you're happy,

1145
00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:18,040
Speaker 1: then people gonna kick rocks. And that's not just for

1146
00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:19,920
Speaker 1: the father of your your child. That could be for

1147
00:56:19,960 --> 00:56:22,200
Speaker 1: your coworker, that could be for family, that could be

1148
00:56:22,239 --> 00:56:24,480
Speaker 1: for friends who have done you wrong. Once you find

1149
00:56:24,480 --> 00:56:27,680
Speaker 1: peace within yourself. Dealing with people on a daily basis

1150
00:56:27,680 --> 00:56:30,560
Speaker 1: that you don't like becomes normal. It becomes regular because

1151
00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:34,160
Speaker 1: you're happy. So fine, happiness, fine happiness for gain, don't

1152
00:56:34,200 --> 00:56:36,560
Speaker 1: worry about all the other bull find happiness. Or you

1153
00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:37,880
Speaker 1: could be a great mom and help him be a

1154
00:56:37,920 --> 00:56:41,000
Speaker 1: great dad. Sounds I like that good way to end that.

1155
00:56:41,880 --> 00:56:43,960
Speaker 1: So I have a thirteen year old daughter and a

1156
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:47,000
Speaker 1: ten year old daughter. Unfortunately, both my daughters don't get

1157
00:56:47,040 --> 00:56:49,319
Speaker 1: along with their dad due to some issues we've had

1158
00:56:49,719 --> 00:56:53,680
Speaker 1: and still some are ongoing. Due to my issues with him,

1159
00:56:53,880 --> 00:56:56,560
Speaker 1: my daughters have lost much respect for their father and

1160
00:56:56,600 --> 00:57:00,000
Speaker 1: they won't communicate with him unless I'm around. Please help

1161
00:57:00,040 --> 00:57:02,359
Speaker 1: me figure out a way that my man and I

1162
00:57:02,360 --> 00:57:06,359
Speaker 1: can argue less in front of our girls. We'll see

1163
00:57:06,360 --> 00:57:10,040
Speaker 1: this this man, this is, this is this been and ten.

1164
00:57:10,239 --> 00:57:12,759
Speaker 1: So they all and they know exactly what's going on.

1165
00:57:12,960 --> 00:57:15,480
Speaker 1: That's that's I mean you you you said you have

1166
00:57:15,560 --> 00:57:18,240
Speaker 1: to argue less in front of your Yeah, from jump,

1167
00:57:18,360 --> 00:57:21,840
Speaker 1: that's one thing that we definitely try, especially at this

1168
00:57:21,880 --> 00:57:24,720
Speaker 1: age thirteen and ten. I mean, those girls are very

1169
00:57:24,720 --> 00:57:27,840
Speaker 1: well aware of what's happening, and depending on what the

1170
00:57:27,920 --> 00:57:30,800
Speaker 1: nature of the conversations are what you're arguing about, how

1171
00:57:30,920 --> 00:57:34,040
Speaker 1: you're arguing, how loud they are, if they get physical,

1172
00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:36,400
Speaker 1: I don't know. But they're at the age where they

1173
00:57:36,440 --> 00:57:40,760
Speaker 1: can technically at this point formulate their own opinion about people,

1174
00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:44,200
Speaker 1: and that being done in front of them naturally is

1175
00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:46,440
Speaker 1: going to make them just you know, feel a lack

1176
00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:50,040
Speaker 1: of respect towards their father. So that just was kind

1177
00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:53,000
Speaker 1: of self explanatory, I feel, But what you said really

1178
00:57:53,240 --> 00:57:55,760
Speaker 1: makes sense. They're ten and thirteen. They can form their

1179
00:57:55,760 --> 00:57:57,800
Speaker 1: own opinion, right, But at ten and thirteen, can you

1180
00:57:57,840 --> 00:58:01,320
Speaker 1: really form an educated opinion about what you're seeing. No, So,

1181
00:58:01,440 --> 00:58:03,800
Speaker 1: for that being said, parents have to do a better

1182
00:58:03,880 --> 00:58:09,160
Speaker 1: job of delegating time to where they could have those discussions.

1183
00:58:10,040 --> 00:58:12,080
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying with the children about the

1184
00:58:12,160 --> 00:58:15,880
Speaker 1: children around like, that's that's pretty simples. It's totally discretion.

1185
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,800
Speaker 1: But now she's asking how she can fix it, not

1186
00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:21,200
Speaker 1: what to do, you know, because it's hard to fix

1187
00:58:21,240 --> 00:58:23,480
Speaker 1: it by changing your behavior. Now, I think you have

1188
00:58:23,600 --> 00:58:26,200
Speaker 1: to sit down with those girls and y'all need to

1189
00:58:26,240 --> 00:58:30,400
Speaker 1: have some family discussions and discuss what they've seen, why

1190
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:32,720
Speaker 1: they feel this way, and try to work through it

1191
00:58:32,760 --> 00:58:36,360
Speaker 1: through conversations, therapy, I think, so I was gonna say therapy,

1192
00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:38,680
Speaker 1: maybe having somebody intervened and speak with all four of them,

1193
00:58:38,680 --> 00:58:41,880
Speaker 1: because also to sometimes what adults are going to be

1194
00:58:41,960 --> 00:58:44,480
Speaker 1: arguing about. Children don't necessarily need to be prevy too,

1195
00:58:44,800 --> 00:58:47,040
Speaker 1: nor are they going to understand what's what exactly is

1196
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:49,800
Speaker 1: transpiring between their mother and their father, So that doesn't

1197
00:58:49,800 --> 00:58:53,840
Speaker 1: necessarily need to be the conversation. But what they've witnessed,

1198
00:58:54,200 --> 00:58:55,800
Speaker 1: I think they should be able to speak about that

1199
00:58:55,840 --> 00:58:58,440
Speaker 1: and how it makes them feel, because now it's putting

1200
00:58:58,440 --> 00:59:00,480
Speaker 1: a damper on the relationship with their dad, it right,

1201
00:59:01,080 --> 00:59:02,880
Speaker 1: I know what. I don't think any child wants to

1202
00:59:02,880 --> 00:59:06,800
Speaker 1: see either parent disrespected in any circumstance or any light,

1203
00:59:06,840 --> 00:59:09,640
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? So, um, yeah, I think

1204
00:59:09,760 --> 00:59:11,480
Speaker 1: it's worth having a sit down with them. I mean,

1205
00:59:11,480 --> 00:59:13,920
Speaker 1: they're old enough where you can probably have you know,

1206
00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:16,760
Speaker 1: somewhat of a conversation with them without divulgion too much,

1207
00:59:16,760 --> 00:59:18,960
Speaker 1: but also trying to get from them what they're feeling

1208
00:59:18,960 --> 00:59:22,040
Speaker 1: and what they're they're they're understanding from it and then

1209
00:59:22,040 --> 00:59:25,440
Speaker 1: clarifying it from there. Yeah, you know, it sounds like

1210
00:59:26,000 --> 00:59:28,280
Speaker 1: a plan, all right, Well, if you want to be

1211
00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:30,680
Speaker 1: featured as one of our listener letters. Email us at

1212
00:59:30,720 --> 00:59:34,600
Speaker 1: dead as Advice at gmail dot com. Yeah, moment of

1213
00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:39,400
Speaker 1: truth time. Moment of truth time. So my moment of

1214
00:59:39,480 --> 00:59:44,560
Speaker 1: truth would be when dating, choose someone who not only

1215
00:59:44,640 --> 00:59:45,880
Speaker 1: want to spend the rest of your life with, but

1216
00:59:45,920 --> 00:59:49,920
Speaker 1: who you want to create a life with. You know

1217
00:59:49,960 --> 00:59:53,040
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So when you're thinking about who you

1218
00:59:53,080 --> 00:59:54,800
Speaker 1: want to be with, how much money they make, what

1219
00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:58,760
Speaker 1: religion they are, look at how they nurture the people

1220
00:59:58,800 --> 01:00:02,040
Speaker 1: around them and use that as an example of how

1221
01:00:02,040 --> 01:00:04,960
Speaker 1: they're going to nurture your children if you decide to

1222
01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:07,560
Speaker 1: have kids. It will make it easier at that point

1223
01:00:07,920 --> 01:00:10,840
Speaker 1: when you do have kids to work together through your

1224
01:00:10,840 --> 01:00:13,600
Speaker 1: differences of how to parent them together. So started early,

1225
01:00:13,640 --> 01:00:16,000
Speaker 1: if you're if you're if you're dating with a purpose,

1226
01:00:16,560 --> 01:00:19,400
Speaker 1: start looking at those things early, right, so it doesn't

1227
01:00:19,440 --> 01:00:22,040
Speaker 1: have to be something announced like hey, I'm looking to

1228
01:00:22,120 --> 01:00:23,760
Speaker 1: have kids one day. I'm just trying to you know,

1229
01:00:24,200 --> 01:00:26,000
Speaker 1: but you can just tell you can pick up. So

1230
01:00:26,080 --> 01:00:28,200
Speaker 1: having that little like almost check list in your mind

1231
01:00:28,200 --> 01:00:30,360
Speaker 1: as you're just saying okay, okay, I can see you

1232
01:00:30,360 --> 01:00:32,800
Speaker 1: have this you don't have that, you know, And it

1233
01:00:32,840 --> 01:00:35,320
Speaker 1: starts before the kids even get there for sure, picking

1234
01:00:35,360 --> 01:00:37,280
Speaker 1: up for the picking that right person need starts before

1235
01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:39,920
Speaker 1: for sure. For sure, I guess my moment of truth

1236
01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:44,280
Speaker 1: as we spoke about different um scenarios and stories with

1237
01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:49,320
Speaker 1: our children. UM. Just being mindful about my tone and

1238
01:00:49,360 --> 01:00:52,560
Speaker 1: the way I interact with the children, especially when it

1239
01:00:52,600 --> 01:00:55,920
Speaker 1: comes to disciplining. So making sure that I'm I'm doing

1240
01:00:55,960 --> 01:00:58,760
Speaker 1: the you know, the tough mom thing, but I'm also

1241
01:00:58,920 --> 01:01:02,160
Speaker 1: nurturing at the same time. UM, I want to do

1242
01:01:02,200 --> 01:01:04,120
Speaker 1: a better job with that because I don't want to

1243
01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:06,960
Speaker 1: also drive a wedge between myself and my voice, because

1244
01:01:07,000 --> 01:01:08,840
Speaker 1: they just feel like my mom is crazy and my

1245
01:01:08,880 --> 01:01:10,439
Speaker 1: mom's gonna come down to me and all she makes

1246
01:01:10,440 --> 01:01:12,520
Speaker 1: me do is like extra work and read though I

1247
01:01:12,600 --> 01:01:14,800
Speaker 1: know they'll benefit from it later on in life, I

1248
01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:17,600
Speaker 1: don't want to lose that short span of years where

1249
01:01:17,640 --> 01:01:22,040
Speaker 1: I can get you know, that maximum time and you

1250
01:01:22,080 --> 01:01:25,160
Speaker 1: know adoration from my boys that I know I want.

1251
01:01:25,600 --> 01:01:27,280
Speaker 1: So just being able to make sure I'm just like

1252
01:01:27,400 --> 01:01:30,680
Speaker 1: towing the line between being the forceful disciplinarian but also

1253
01:01:30,760 --> 01:01:35,000
Speaker 1: being the nurturing mom as well. UM. And yeah, and

1254
01:01:35,080 --> 01:01:38,680
Speaker 1: watching my tone because everyone claims that I say things

1255
01:01:38,680 --> 01:01:41,560
Speaker 1: a certain way, but I sound another way, I have

1256
01:01:41,640 --> 01:01:44,360
Speaker 1: a tone. Um, I don't know, maybe it's something with

1257
01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:47,920
Speaker 1: my voice. I don't know it works for podcasting, but

1258
01:01:48,840 --> 01:01:51,680
Speaker 1: people take that as me being forceful sometimes, but whatever,

1259
01:01:51,920 --> 01:01:54,480
Speaker 1: you know. But yeah, I'm just knowing that each child

1260
01:01:54,800 --> 01:01:58,840
Speaker 1: needs different things sometimes, you know, so not lumping them

1261
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,360
Speaker 1: into like these are the three kids, and this is

1262
01:02:00,360 --> 01:02:02,520
Speaker 1: how we're going to apparent kind of style. Stepping towards

1263
01:02:02,520 --> 01:02:05,800
Speaker 1: their individual needs I think is important as well. So

1264
01:02:05,840 --> 01:02:08,040
Speaker 1: many moments of truth that we can come up with

1265
01:02:08,120 --> 01:02:09,880
Speaker 1: when it comes to parenting, but we'll leave you all

1266
01:02:09,880 --> 01:02:12,960
Speaker 1: with those for today. Thank you all so much for listening,

1267
01:02:12,960 --> 01:02:15,400
Speaker 1: and be sure to follow us on social media. Cadeen

1268
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Speaker 1: I Am and I Am, and subscribe to dead Ass

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Speaker 1: on Stitcher, Spotify, Apple podcast wherever you listen, and if

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Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate review us.

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Speaker 1: Subscribe makes You Tell a New Friend. The season three

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Speaker 1: underway Dead as dead Ass is a production of Stitcher.

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Speaker 1: We are produced by Jackie Sojico and No Opinion. Our

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Speaker 1: executive producer t Square. Our associate producers are Triple and

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Speaker 1: Kristin Torres. Our Chief content Officer is Chris Bannon, our

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Speaker 1: studio engineer and original music is by Brendan Burns and

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Speaker 1: last but not least, we are mixed by Andy Kristen.

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Speaker 1: We'll back. I'm Drew McGarry and I'm David Roth. We

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Speaker 1: have a podcast going on right now as part of

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Speaker 1: the Stitchen Everywhere called Substraction that's available everywhere. Get the

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Speaker 1: podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to

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Speaker 1: the Distraction, right now, it's out. Do it please,