WEBVTT - Episode 179: Are you almost done? (Feat. DeVon Franklin) 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:06.760 What's at this lift service. I'm Angela Ye, I'm G. G. Maguire, 0:00:06.840 --> 0:00:09.559 I'm Lourial and we have a special guest, Divin Franklin. 0:00:10.480 --> 0:00:12.200 We all know him as the author of the new 0:00:12.200 --> 0:00:14.280 book The Tooth About Man. But this isn't your first book, 0:00:14.280 --> 0:00:17.279 so this is not your first rodeo. No, no, it's 0:00:17.280 --> 0:00:20.240 not his number four and number four and we love 0:00:20.280 --> 0:00:21.840 the book that you did with your wife was making 0:00:21.880 --> 0:00:25.160 good about waiting, Thank you, thank you. Yeah, we had 0:00:25.400 --> 0:00:27.240 had a good time with that. Of course none of 0:00:27.320 --> 0:00:31.560 us waited, but now it's a nice theory, not waited. 0:00:32.520 --> 0:00:34.839 But it's not a bad idea to try, you know. 0:00:34.920 --> 0:00:38.680 I have to say, like being in a new relationship, Um, 0:00:38.720 --> 0:00:40.640 maybe things will go differently, like you said, if we 0:00:40.680 --> 0:00:43.920 try something different and get to know each other, you know. Um, 0:00:43.960 --> 0:00:46.200 But today we're going to be bombarding you with questions 0:00:46.240 --> 0:00:48.519 about our own personal lives, all right, just to get 0:00:48.520 --> 0:00:50.960 to you. I look forward to it. Let's do it, yeah, 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:54.160 because you know we got issues. But I'm going to 0:00:54.160 --> 0:00:56.280 start with some things that have been happening, like in 0:00:56.320 --> 0:00:57.920 the rumors. And I want to talk about b Smith 0:00:57.960 --> 0:01:01.360 because I'm sure you saw this story and see your input. 0:01:01.440 --> 0:01:04.080 So you know, she has Alzheimer's, a lot of things 0:01:04.160 --> 0:01:07.360 she can't remember, and we know what Alzheimer's does you 0:01:07.360 --> 0:01:11.679 know to you? So her husband has a girlfriend and 0:01:11.720 --> 0:01:14.120 the girlfriend is living in the house with them, and 0:01:14.240 --> 0:01:16.760 he basically didn't want to stop his life because it 0:01:16.840 --> 0:01:18.600 was a lot for him taking care of his wife 0:01:18.640 --> 0:01:21.480 and she doesn't even really know exactly what's going on. 0:01:21.520 --> 0:01:23.360 But people feel like it's really foul that he has 0:01:23.400 --> 0:01:26.160 another woman living in the house. So for you, divine, 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:28.119 I want to see what your thoughts are and that, Yeah, 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:30.399 you know when I saw that, um, you know, it 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:35.319 was painful because she is alive and she's here, and 0:01:35.360 --> 0:01:37.760 when you take those vows, you know it's for better 0:01:37.840 --> 0:01:39.920 or worse, you know. And I look, I mean none 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:41.720 of us can judge. We are in that situation, so 0:01:41.760 --> 0:01:44.600 I don't know how he feels. But it's something about 0:01:44.640 --> 0:01:47.080 it just didn't didn't vibe right with me, you know. 0:01:47.160 --> 0:01:50.040 And also the desire to come public with it and 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:52.080 to do like a photo shoot and all those things. 0:01:52.160 --> 0:01:54.320 I just like, Yeah, I mean when you look at 0:01:54.320 --> 0:01:56.240 the photos and people, I mean, that was a photo 0:01:56.280 --> 0:01:59.160 shoot that wasn't like, you know, a personal photo. Somebody 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:01.400 went and took that picture, and I just thought it 0:02:01.520 --> 0:02:03.320 was just again my opinion, I thought it was in 0:02:03.360 --> 0:02:06.000 poor taste. And uh, you know, if she had all 0:02:06.080 --> 0:02:09.600 her faculties, clearly it's not something that would be done. Um. 0:02:09.639 --> 0:02:11.520 You know, I don't know what it's like when you 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:13.960 care for a love one in those scenarios and the situations. 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:16.359 Who knows the amount of stress that would have produced 0:02:16.360 --> 0:02:18.480 this sort of thing. But with that being said, uh, 0:02:18.520 --> 0:02:21.160 it did disappoint me. You know, Um, when you read 0:02:21.200 --> 0:02:23.359 their book, which is a powerful book, which I think 0:02:23.360 --> 0:02:24.960 came out a couple of years ago if I'm correct, 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:28.000 you know, they have an incredible love story, and um, 0:02:28.040 --> 0:02:29.840 you know, it's just it just it just saddened me 0:02:30.240 --> 0:02:32.440 to see that we were discussing this downstairs. Now, Lawry, 0:02:32.480 --> 0:02:35.080 y'all jump in with what you were saying. Okay, So basically, 0:02:37.880 --> 0:02:40.919 so okay, I get what you're saying about publicly. Now, 0:02:41.040 --> 0:02:43.280 that's something I agree with. I think that taking the 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:46.360 public is weird. But as far as like, like you said, 0:02:46.400 --> 0:02:48.639 I don't know their situation, but let's just say this 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:52.840 is the situation. She's not in her right mind. He's 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:55.160 caring for her he wants to be there twenty four 0:02:55.240 --> 0:02:57.720 seven or maybe not twenty four seven, but as much 0:02:57.760 --> 0:03:01.000 as he could be there if they're nothing going on 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:04.600 between them anymore. And I understand they're married, but she's 0:03:04.680 --> 0:03:06.959 no longer in her right mind, so I don't think 0:03:06.960 --> 0:03:08.760 he can have sex with her when that be kind 0:03:08.800 --> 0:03:11.120 of like rape. That's weird, like to meet all of 0:03:11.160 --> 0:03:15.120 that is weird. So he has needs as a human being, 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:19.360 and I feel like for him to have uh companion 0:03:19.480 --> 0:03:21.440 or something he may want to be with. I think 0:03:21.480 --> 0:03:24.960 that that might be okay because she's not in her 0:03:25.040 --> 0:03:27.720 right mind. He's not dealing with her in that capacity, 0:03:27.760 --> 0:03:32.000 and sex is one need. But but yes, I'm sure, 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:35.720 but maybe it's not even companionship, like he can't really 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:38.480 hold a real conversation with her that she's gonna remember 0:03:38.520 --> 0:03:41.520 tomorrow or well, I don't know like how bad it is, 0:03:41.560 --> 0:03:44.000 but if that's the case, like that has to be 0:03:44.120 --> 0:03:46.640 painful to go through, and maybe he needs somebody to 0:03:46.720 --> 0:03:48.800 lean on and he doesn't want to leave her in 0:03:48.800 --> 0:03:51.840 the care of anybody else, So moving somebody else in 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:54.280 the house is what's his option. That's how I looked 0:03:54.280 --> 0:03:57.800 at it. But when you take it public and bring 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:01.400 everybody else into it. That's what I have a problem with. 0:04:01.840 --> 0:04:03.960 It's like, if this is what's happening, and the family 0:04:04.080 --> 0:04:07.320 is okay and there's no outrage, then let that man 0:04:07.400 --> 0:04:09.160 do what he's doing and take care of his wife, 0:04:09.560 --> 0:04:11.760 you know, because he feels like he could take best 0:04:11.760 --> 0:04:14.440 care of her maybe I don't know, you know, rather 0:04:14.600 --> 0:04:17.919 than a home attendant. But they're still married married, Yeah, 0:04:17.960 --> 0:04:21.320 they're still that that My feeling is just why not 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:24.679 do things in order decently and which is you know, again, 0:04:25.680 --> 0:04:28.000 to judge, not less she be judged. This is hypothetical, 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:31.279 but it's like, divorce her, set it up so that 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:33.719 she has care and he's taking care of her, and 0:04:33.760 --> 0:04:36.599 then start the new thing versus I'm still married to 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:40.039 her and I'm bringing my girlfriend into the situation. That 0:04:40.440 --> 0:04:43.520 just doesn't seem like respect. But I got that girlfriend, 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:48.440 I would be uneasy. Why I wouldn't even want to 0:04:48.440 --> 0:04:50.120 live in the next woman's life. Don't you feel like 0:04:50.160 --> 0:04:52.040 once he if he gets a divorce, he kind of 0:04:52.080 --> 0:04:55.560 gives up his power for say so, Like he would 0:04:55.640 --> 0:04:57.839 have the power to say she was our life support, 0:04:57.920 --> 0:04:59.720 to pull the plug. If he gets a divorce, he 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:02.560 doesn't have power for nothing, So maybe that's how he's 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:05.480 looking at it to keep his power. Possibly. I mean, 0:05:05.520 --> 0:05:07.240 you know, when I know, all the ramifications are on 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:09.480 what they kind of worked out before she Let's say 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:11.640 that she was on the other foot, Let's say the 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:15.240 man was the one that was sick and the wife 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:17.159 was taking care of him and moved in her boyfriend. 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:20.560 Wouldn't there be outraged even worse because they would be like, 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:24.160 because it's double standards of how you know, men can 0:05:24.240 --> 0:05:26.599 get away with certain things but women can't. Yeah, I 0:05:26.600 --> 0:05:28.400 think they would definitely look at it differently if it 0:05:28.480 --> 0:05:31.080 was a woman who did that. I mean, I can't 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:32.839 say for sure, but I'm sure there would be some 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:36.440 type of like damn and with like and how like 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:38.280 how would he feel? Would he be okay with that? 0:05:38.600 --> 0:05:41.400 Would he be okay with? Like? You know, that's just 0:05:41.440 --> 0:05:43.640 weird to me. Do you think people care more because 0:05:43.640 --> 0:05:45.919 she's a white woman? I think that had something to 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:49.040 do with it all. He moved the white I personally, 0:05:49.320 --> 0:05:56.120 it was just I mean, the story generate what just 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:02.680 somebody is a close by move her into the same home, 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:04.200 and even if he wants to be the one to 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:05.839 be there to take care of her, get a little 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:08.640 side apartment and handle a business there, have her there, Like, 0:06:08.680 --> 0:06:11.279 I just think that the respect level is at below zero? 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:14.400 Is that normalizing cheating? Now? But I think this is 0:06:14.440 --> 0:06:18.200 a very it's not. It's I don't cheating. It is 0:06:18.240 --> 0:06:22.040 such an uncommon situation. It maybe poor judgment, but it doesn't. 0:06:22.320 --> 0:06:24.640 And yes, technically it's quote unquote cheating, but it's so 0:06:24.720 --> 0:06:30.040 different in that it's an extreme situation. Would you say, 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:32.760 would you give your significant other their blessing? Like, look, 0:06:32.760 --> 0:06:34.320 if something like this would happen to me, I want 0:06:34.360 --> 0:06:37.240 you to still be happy because it's a possibility she 0:06:37.279 --> 0:06:39.600 could have done. So y'all want to have something crazy? 0:06:39.680 --> 0:06:42.400 My aunt actually said to me, and she didn't even 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:45.760 say it to my mother, but she said it's there. 0:06:45.760 --> 0:06:47.960 It's not a blood hunts and it's gonna sound crazy 0:06:47.960 --> 0:06:50.960 when I say it, but she said that if she 0:06:51.040 --> 0:06:54.520 passes away, that she will want my mother to marry 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:58.760 her husband what and take care of him. Is that crazy? 0:06:59.160 --> 0:07:01.400 Because she said she wants to see him be happy 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:03.400 and she thinks that they would be a good match. 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:05.960 That is well, but they're not blood. They're not blood. 0:07:05.960 --> 0:07:11.960 They're back in the day, she her best friend was 0:07:12.080 --> 0:07:15.440 dating this guy and her best friend got really sick 0:07:15.520 --> 0:07:17.800 or one of her close friends got really sick, and 0:07:17.960 --> 0:07:21.160 the close friends said, when I die, it's okay for 0:07:21.200 --> 0:07:23.800 you to date him, you see. And she passed away 0:07:23.920 --> 0:07:26.000 and they date for years. You see what I'm saying. 0:07:27.680 --> 0:07:30.560 It's like the older thing like that. I don't know 0:07:30.600 --> 0:07:33.120 that i'd be comfortable with that. Back in the day 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:35.240 they used to sleep with like other people in the 0:07:35.360 --> 0:07:44.840 family and up marrier exactly. And that's what made me 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:48.600 think of it, because my friend told me his dad 0:07:48.720 --> 0:07:52.880 has his aunt's named tattooed on his arm, and he 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:55.360 was he didn't never know and he's seen it. He 0:07:55.440 --> 0:07:58.120 was like, what is that? And they were like, you 0:07:58.160 --> 0:08:00.200 didn't know he used to date your aren't for earth? 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:02.960 And then he had a baby. Didn't happen in the 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:06.000 Jackson family, Yeah, they got a baby by the same woman, 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:21.200 um one of them, Yeah, sono or something all. And 0:08:21.200 --> 0:08:22.920 then another thing we wanted to ask you about is 0:08:22.920 --> 0:08:25.200 the bow Wow situation. I'm sure you've seen what happened. 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:27.040 His face biz are scratched up. Now, we don't know 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:30.320 the details of what went on, you know, in their kindominium. 0:08:30.400 --> 0:08:33.880 But we do know that they both got arrested for battery, 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:36.800 and it looks like she attacked him, you know, just 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:39.040 from the visible scars and stuff that we've seen him, 0:08:39.040 --> 0:08:41.839 from his statement from his reps saying that she attacked him. 0:08:41.880 --> 0:08:43.760 She was drunk, and she threw a lamp and beat 0:08:43.800 --> 0:08:45.360 him with the lamp and all of it. He was 0:08:45.400 --> 0:08:48.080 trying to get away from her. Now, as a man, 0:08:48.280 --> 0:08:50.160 what should you do in a situation when a woman 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:54.080 is physically assaulting you. Yeah, I think it's a man 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:57.760 you do your very best to diffuse a situation without violence. 0:08:58.320 --> 0:09:00.720 That is That is the way I believe we should 0:09:00.720 --> 0:09:03.199 handle it. Um. You know, I don't know the particulars 0:09:03.200 --> 0:09:05.440 of what he did or didn't do, but you know, 0:09:05.480 --> 0:09:08.200 if a woman came at me violently, I am going 0:09:08.280 --> 0:09:12.240 to do everything in my power to protect myself without 0:09:12.280 --> 0:09:16.040 inflicting violence on her. That is what I think should happen. 0:09:16.080 --> 0:09:17.760 I've had people tell me that if you don't try 0:09:17.760 --> 0:09:20.160 to attack your man, then you've never been in love. 0:09:21.600 --> 0:09:25.079 That somebody has told me that I said I wouldn't 0:09:25.080 --> 0:09:27.440 put my hands on anybody, and they were like, well, 0:09:27.440 --> 0:09:29.120 then you've never been in love. Before I've heard that 0:09:29.320 --> 0:09:34.199 you're just not crazy. It's difference, you know what I mean, 0:09:34.240 --> 0:09:37.840 There's a difference. Are they Is she still together? Um? 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:47.240 You're supposed to want to love, not fight. But there's 0:09:47.280 --> 0:09:50.199 been situations with people in this room right that things 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:53.080 have gotten that things have gotten physical. And I'm looking 0:09:53.120 --> 0:09:55.360 at both these ladies here, So I want to hear 0:09:55.400 --> 0:09:57.800 your views now as you get older, like as far 0:09:57.880 --> 0:10:00.240 as you guys, and you see what just been with 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:01.840 bad one. People are making jokes about it, but it 0:10:01.880 --> 0:10:05.160 really isn't funny, you know, but talk about your own situations. 0:10:05.960 --> 0:10:10.079 I've been in situations on various levels. You know. There 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:11.719 was a time when I was with somebody who was 0:10:11.760 --> 0:10:15.720 full on abusive and really try to end my life. Um. 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:19.079 There was what that happened twice in two different situations. UM. 0:10:19.120 --> 0:10:23.280 There was also a time where the anger had you know, 0:10:23.520 --> 0:10:25.440 level level, level level up until I kind of just 0:10:25.480 --> 0:10:27.920 like blew up, and you know, violence came out then 0:10:28.000 --> 0:10:31.000 and that was on my behalf. UM. But you know, 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:34.760 all of this was years ago. But I feel like, UM, 0:10:34.800 --> 0:10:37.480 as adults, we should learn how to talk and communicate 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:43.120 and express ourselves without violence. UM. But sometimes when you 0:10:43.120 --> 0:10:46.400 don't do that. Things happen. Um, I'm not saying that 0:10:46.440 --> 0:10:50.080 it's right for anyone to fight, you know, their their partner, 0:10:50.600 --> 0:10:54.160 but in some situations you just feel so disrespectulu were 0:10:54.200 --> 0:10:56.520 so angry that you lash out, but can't you just 0:10:56.520 --> 0:10:58.360 got to try to hold that back. What can you 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:01.319 do when you feel that disrespected? It at the best 0:11:01.400 --> 0:11:04.200 thing to do is, I think to normally voice it 0:11:04.360 --> 0:11:06.800 and get yourself out of the situation, you know, and 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:08.240 if you can't voice it in a civil way, get 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:11.120 yourself out a situation. Because we all kind of know 0:11:11.760 --> 0:11:17.400 when our buttons are being to a degree where it's like, wait, 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:19.440 I'm gonna come back to this, but if I, if 0:11:19.440 --> 0:11:22.160 I stay in it, things are gonna gop real quick. 0:11:23.080 --> 0:11:26.040 Remove And then once you calm down, figure out the 0:11:26.120 --> 0:11:28.679 best way to at least express how you're feeling before 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:30.800 you do something that you won't be able to take back, 0:11:30.880 --> 0:11:32.960 like destroying property. What do you think about that? Look? 0:11:33.000 --> 0:11:38.040 I always and I had before, like I was in 0:11:38.080 --> 0:11:41.480 an abusive relationship, So yeah, I would do things that 0:11:41.640 --> 0:11:44.760 like just withoud, like affect him because I knew I 0:11:44.800 --> 0:11:47.720 couldn't beat him because obviously he was always beating me up, 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:51.080 so um, it just kind of ended up being like, well, 0:11:51.120 --> 0:11:55.000 I'm gonna do this to this because it's material and 0:11:55.080 --> 0:11:56.520 I know that that would get to him, you know 0:11:56.600 --> 0:11:58.640 what I mean. But I agree with you with the 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:02.080 I do that often because I know I get very 0:12:02.200 --> 0:12:05.320 very angry, and sometimes I say things that I don't 0:12:05.360 --> 0:12:09.000 mean just to hurt the person's feelings. If I felt disrespected, 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:12.679 I hurt. So I like to take a step back. 0:12:13.120 --> 0:12:15.920 And even sometimes I gotta tell myself because I'll be 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:18.800 wanting to just like say something immediately, but I know 0:12:18.840 --> 0:12:20.760 it's gonna be the wrong thing, and I know I'm 0:12:20.800 --> 0:12:23.720 gonna say something nasty and I know like I'm gonna yell. 0:12:23.920 --> 0:12:26.600 So what I do is I now. You know, it 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:29.240 took me a while even like sometimes ill you know, 0:12:29.320 --> 0:12:31.320 slip into it if I felt some kind of a way, 0:12:31.679 --> 0:12:35.160 But like in my older years, I'm kind of gathering myself, 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:38.880 like you got to relax, figure out what you're angry about, 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:41.800 how you're gonna say it in a decent way, and 0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:44.920 do it that way. But sometimes people provoke you, you 0:12:44.960 --> 0:12:46.880 know what I mean, You're trying to just relax and 0:12:46.960 --> 0:12:49.000 wait a second, and they're like, well, you ain't going 0:12:49.760 --> 0:12:53.040 and that's when, right, But you know, much like you 0:12:53.080 --> 0:12:55.040 can't really get people the power to be able to 0:12:55.120 --> 0:12:57.839 push your buttons like that because you're doing it on purpose. No, yeah, 0:12:57.880 --> 0:13:00.160 and I understand that too, Like I think people want 0:13:00.000 --> 0:13:02.520 that reaction, and the best reaction is no reaction, right, 0:13:03.120 --> 0:13:05.280 you know, And that's always been And what you talk 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:07.120 about in your book is something that I've always done, right, 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:09.680 which you said you count to ten before you do something. 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:12.040 And when I get mad instead of and you y'all 0:13:12.080 --> 0:13:14.400 know me, and you know that I don't react in 0:13:14.440 --> 0:13:16.960 certain situations. I'll count to ten backwards in my head 0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:19.160 because I never want to put something out there that 0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:21.839 I'm like, damn, I took it too fun Now I'm wrong. 0:13:22.080 --> 0:13:25.240 Now she's funny because she'll get mad. She'll start laughing. 0:13:25.320 --> 0:13:28.880 I actually took that from her, and it helps me. Like, 0:13:29.320 --> 0:13:31.360 but then the person will get mad because it seems 0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:34.400 like you, but it's kind of like just you're mad, 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:47.079 it's all you just you know what, let's exactly because 0:13:47.080 --> 0:13:51.600 that means I'm thinking something. Oh no, I'm gonna say 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:53.520 that there's something that I learned from your book that 0:13:53.559 --> 0:13:56.000 I'm going to try to implement. And that's that's too. 0:13:56.040 --> 0:13:58.880 Think about the consequences. I think about in the long room, 0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:01.079 what's going to happen, Think about a little effective this 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:02.880 is starting before you do it. When I read it 0:14:02.880 --> 0:14:06.360 in your book, I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna 0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:09.360 use that. It's like this, then this person is gonna 0:14:09.360 --> 0:14:10.959 move here, and then I'm gonna move here, and then 0:14:10.960 --> 0:14:15.760 this is gonna happen. And then because it helps you know, 0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:18.920 we were we all on on certain levels, are impulse driven. 0:14:19.480 --> 0:14:21.480 And and so when you play it all the way out, 0:14:22.000 --> 0:14:24.120 you begin to say, okay, wait is this if I 0:14:24.160 --> 0:14:26.800 act on this impulse, is it worth the result? And 0:14:26.800 --> 0:14:28.320 when you give yourself a chance to play it out, 0:14:28.520 --> 0:14:30.640 most of the time you say, no, no, it's not 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:32.440 I ain't even gonna ain't gonna even do it, I'm 0:14:32.440 --> 0:14:33.720 gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:35.800 step away, I'm gonna do something different. So you know, 0:14:35.840 --> 0:14:37.600 I really wanted to put that in the book, you know, 0:14:37.640 --> 0:14:40.360 as a way to really help us manage these moments 0:14:40.360 --> 0:14:43.080 and these impulses better, because in the moment it seems 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:46.840 like a good ass idea, and especially like you're going 0:14:46.960 --> 0:14:50.040 on again now and then you think about it. He's like, 0:14:50.480 --> 0:14:53.920 because this it's actually happened to me this year, and 0:14:53.960 --> 0:14:57.360 I actually know to last year because I had to 0:14:57.440 --> 0:14:59.520 really stop and think about it, like all right, this, 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:02.840 that and this is before I read the book. So 0:15:03.000 --> 0:15:05.880 when I started reading, I've seen a lot of things 0:15:06.520 --> 0:15:08.440 that I put in my home like that. I didn't 0:15:08.440 --> 0:15:11.240 even think about it, like that's something I'll bring back. 0:15:11.280 --> 0:15:13.560 Like you said, now I could think further life, how 0:15:13.600 --> 0:15:18.120 do I stop myself from whatever I think of the consequence? Yeah, 0:15:18.400 --> 0:15:26.160 come on, now, let's talk about like disrespect. Okay, if 0:15:26.160 --> 0:15:28.160 someone talks to you crazy, because this is something we 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:30.760 were discussing before you walked in here. Because sometimes we 0:15:30.800 --> 0:15:33.160 get into relationships and like you said, we say things 0:15:33.240 --> 0:15:35.040 that maybe we don't mean in the heat of the 0:15:35.040 --> 0:15:38.800 moment and moving forward from that, right, can you move 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:40.720 forward from that? When somebody says something that is so 0:15:40.800 --> 0:15:43.400 crazy that you're like, I don't even know how to 0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:46.440 handle this. Well, if someone says it's like in a 0:15:46.440 --> 0:15:49.640 relationship sense, you know, yeah, here, here's what I believe 0:15:50.800 --> 0:15:53.080 a lot of times when you hear something like that 0:15:53.120 --> 0:15:56.800 from somebody, If someone says something like that, that intentionally 0:15:57.280 --> 0:16:01.520 or sometimes unintentionally hurt you. And people are smart enough 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:03.720 to know, okay, you know on one level this is 0:16:03.760 --> 0:16:05.840 gonna hurt. One level is not. Like, So when someone's 0:16:05.840 --> 0:16:08.800 saying something, they say that that is a huge red 0:16:08.880 --> 0:16:12.240 flag that cannot be dismissed. And I and so many 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:14.040 women that come to me, then I try and help 0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:16.800 them in their situation. There were red flags early on 0:16:16.960 --> 0:16:20.640 when this type of disrespect was shown, and and and 0:16:20.680 --> 0:16:23.480 but because there was a desire to keep the relationship, 0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:27.360 there was a desire to see him change, they stayed 0:16:27.400 --> 0:16:30.640 in something that from the beginning was at a level 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:32.800 of disrespect that never was at the level of respect 0:16:32.800 --> 0:16:35.520 it should have been. So as a result, they patch 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:40.880 up that moment, they disregard it, and then it keeps happening, repeatedly, repeatedly, repeating. 0:16:40.920 --> 0:16:43.400 So I think the first thing, the moment that there's disrespect, 0:16:44.160 --> 0:16:46.680 it is important to say, hey, wait a minute, we're 0:16:46.680 --> 0:16:49.200 gonna we're gonna set the table for what is okay 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:52.160 and what's not this How you just talked to me 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:54.600 and what you said. I don't know how else you've 0:16:54.600 --> 0:16:57.880 talked to other people. This is unacceptable. If you can't 0:16:57.960 --> 0:17:01.120 roll with that, no problem, I'll blessed, I'll see you later. 0:17:01.680 --> 0:17:04.800 But moving forward, I need you to know that I 0:17:04.840 --> 0:17:07.280 can't have another moment like this because what happens is 0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:10.320 expectations that are set, and once you set expectations, then 0:17:10.320 --> 0:17:14.159 you can hold somebody accountable. However, sometimes if you endure 0:17:14.200 --> 0:17:17.200 that disrespect and you just say, oh, well, you know what, 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:20.359 he was upset, It's okay, I'm gonna sweeping under the 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:25.240 rail and it comes, then you go, right, we were suppressing, 0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:27.359 you know, and then that suppression ends up, you know, 0:17:27.400 --> 0:17:29.800 like you said, becoming a pile. Anything be suppressed. We empower. 0:17:29.920 --> 0:17:32.760 So I think it's really important when there's disrespect to 0:17:33.520 --> 0:17:36.840 call it out immediately. And also don't feel like you're 0:17:36.880 --> 0:17:41.600 being petty anything that rubs your spirit wrong, especially in 0:17:41.680 --> 0:17:44.439 the early stages of dating somebody, you got it, you 0:17:44.480 --> 0:17:47.199 got about it. And that is for not just relationships, 0:17:47.240 --> 0:17:51.800 to friendships, friendships and relationships anything. If you feel like 0:17:51.840 --> 0:17:54.520 somebody's disrespectful, even if they're like, oh, you're being petty, no, 0:17:54.680 --> 0:17:57.119 you should bring those things up because if not, it 0:17:57.160 --> 0:17:59.320 is going to pile up. And it's important to set boundaries. 0:17:59.359 --> 0:18:02.400 It's really important to set boundaries, parameters, how do we engage, 0:18:02.440 --> 0:18:04.800 What are the rules of engagement? What what does respect 0:18:04.800 --> 0:18:06.040 look like to you? What is it like to me? 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:08.800 And all those different settings. It's so important because the 0:18:08.840 --> 0:18:11.720 truth is, sometimes people will do things and people, you know, 0:18:11.760 --> 0:18:13.160 look in our flesh. We do a lot of stuff 0:18:13.200 --> 0:18:15.119 we may not we shouldn't do. But sometimes people do 0:18:15.160 --> 0:18:17.600 things just to push, like you said, just to see 0:18:17.920 --> 0:18:19.800 are they gonna say something, Are they gonna push back? 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:22.359 How far can I go before they'll get upset? You 0:18:22.400 --> 0:18:24.359 know what. People want to know where the boundaries are 0:18:24.760 --> 0:18:26.840 in any situation. So sometimes it's like, oh, you want 0:18:26.840 --> 0:18:30.160 to know, let you know, here's the boundary right here, 0:18:30.560 --> 0:18:33.040 you know, so that way we can move forward in respect, 0:18:33.119 --> 0:18:34.960 we can move forward in love, we can move forward, 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:37.720 you know, in camaraderie. But if I don't let you 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:40.000 know that what just happened a cross the line for me? 0:18:40.400 --> 0:18:43.880 Then what I couldn't stand here and I don't say anything, 0:18:44.200 --> 0:18:50.320 then all of a sudden, that's the way far. But 0:18:50.440 --> 0:18:52.520 do you feel like some guys, because I do. I 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:55.040 think some guys look at when you stop and be like, 0:18:55.040 --> 0:18:57.200 all right, I don't like this on Oh you're nagging 0:18:57.520 --> 0:19:02.359 or you're being argumentative, but you're really just trying to say, like, 0:19:02.440 --> 0:19:04.880 this is not what I'm cool with, like or that's 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:06.840 not what I'm used to you know what I mean that? 0:19:06.960 --> 0:19:09.040 How do you take that into account? And said it 0:19:09.119 --> 0:19:12.320 up thinking you're being confrontational? Yeah. I think two things 0:19:12.320 --> 0:19:15.520 are important. One tone, tone is everything, so so how 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:18.240 you deliver it sometimes it's important as to deliver it 0:19:18.320 --> 0:19:20.919 alf So once you have the tone, you know right 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:24.600 where it's not confrontational, it's it's conversational. The other thing 0:19:24.720 --> 0:19:27.480 is that truth be told. Most men don't like to 0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:39.160 be called on their stuff. Yeah, but so even when 0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:41.800 the tone is right, you're still gonna get some pushback, right. 0:19:42.520 --> 0:19:45.800 That pushback is not your concern. Your concern is I 0:19:45.840 --> 0:19:48.120 said what I had to say. I said it in love, 0:19:48.840 --> 0:19:51.360 because most of the time some a man will say that, 0:19:51.560 --> 0:19:54.080 but they take it in right, you know, Okay, God 0:19:54.119 --> 0:19:56.000 is she didn't like that? Okay, even though I'm saying, 0:19:56.000 --> 0:19:59.000 why are you nagging me? Up? I heard you heard 0:19:59.160 --> 0:20:02.359 that agent with right, and it's better to plant that seed. 0:20:03.240 --> 0:20:06.240 And even if they say nagging, plant the seed, it's okay. 0:20:06.359 --> 0:20:08.680 They'll get over it because in time, they will see, Oh, 0:20:08.720 --> 0:20:10.879