Speaker 1: What's at this lift service. I'm Angela Ye, I'm G. G. Maguire,
Speaker 1: I'm Lourial and we have a special guest, Divin Franklin.
Speaker 1: We all know him as the author of the new
Speaker 1: book The Tooth About Man. But this isn't your first book,
Speaker 1: so this is not your first rodeo. No, no, it's
Speaker 1: not his number four and number four and we love
Speaker 1: the book that you did with your wife was making
Speaker 1: good about waiting, Thank you, thank you. Yeah, we had
Speaker 1: had a good time with that. Of course none of
Speaker 1: us waited, but now it's a nice theory, not waited.
Speaker 1: But it's not a bad idea to try, you know.
Speaker 1: I have to say, like being in a new relationship, Um,
Speaker 1: maybe things will go differently, like you said, if we
Speaker 1: try something different and get to know each other, you know. Um,
Speaker 1: But today we're going to be bombarding you with questions
Speaker 1: about our own personal lives, all right, just to get
Speaker 1: to you. I look forward to it. Let's do it, yeah,
Speaker 1: because you know we got issues. But I'm going to
Speaker 1: start with some things that have been happening, like in
Speaker 1: the rumors. And I want to talk about b Smith
Speaker 1: because I'm sure you saw this story and see your input.
Speaker 1: So you know, she has Alzheimer's, a lot of things
Speaker 1: she can't remember, and we know what Alzheimer's does you
Speaker 1: know to you? So her husband has a girlfriend and
Speaker 1: the girlfriend is living in the house with them, and
Speaker 1: he basically didn't want to stop his life because it
Speaker 1: was a lot for him taking care of his wife
Speaker 1: and she doesn't even really know exactly what's going on.
Speaker 1: But people feel like it's really foul that he has
Speaker 1: another woman living in the house. So for you, divine,
Speaker 1: I want to see what your thoughts are and that, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know when I saw that, um, you know, it
Speaker 1: was painful because she is alive and she's here, and
Speaker 1: when you take those vows, you know it's for better
Speaker 1: or worse, you know. And I look, I mean none
Speaker 1: of us can judge. We are in that situation, so
Speaker 1: I don't know how he feels. But it's something about
Speaker 1: it just didn't didn't vibe right with me, you know.
Speaker 1: And also the desire to come public with it and
Speaker 1: to do like a photo shoot and all those things.
Speaker 1: I just like, Yeah, I mean when you look at
Speaker 1: the photos and people, I mean, that was a photo
Speaker 1: shoot that wasn't like, you know, a personal photo. Somebody
Speaker 1: went and took that picture, and I just thought it
Speaker 1: was just again my opinion, I thought it was in
Speaker 1: poor taste. And uh, you know, if she had all
Speaker 1: her faculties, clearly it's not something that would be done. Um.
Speaker 1: You know, I don't know what it's like when you
Speaker 1: care for a love one in those scenarios and the situations.
Speaker 1: Who knows the amount of stress that would have produced
Speaker 1: this sort of thing. But with that being said, uh,
Speaker 1: it did disappoint me. You know, Um, when you read
Speaker 1: their book, which is a powerful book, which I think
Speaker 1: came out a couple of years ago if I'm correct,
Speaker 1: you know, they have an incredible love story, and um,
Speaker 1: you know, it's just it just it just saddened me
Speaker 1: to see that we were discussing this downstairs. Now, Lawry,
Speaker 1: y'all jump in with what you were saying. Okay, So basically,
Speaker 1: so okay, I get what you're saying about publicly. Now,
Speaker 1: that's something I agree with. I think that taking the
Speaker 1: public is weird. But as far as like, like you said,
Speaker 1: I don't know their situation, but let's just say this
Speaker 1: is the situation. She's not in her right mind. He's
Speaker 1: caring for her he wants to be there twenty four
Speaker 1: seven or maybe not twenty four seven, but as much
Speaker 1: as he could be there if they're nothing going on
Speaker 1: between them anymore. And I understand they're married, but she's
Speaker 1: no longer in her right mind, so I don't think
Speaker 1: he can have sex with her when that be kind
Speaker 1: of like rape. That's weird, like to meet all of
Speaker 1: that is weird. So he has needs as a human being,
Speaker 1: and I feel like for him to have uh companion
Speaker 1: or something he may want to be with. I think
Speaker 1: that that might be okay because she's not in her
Speaker 1: right mind. He's not dealing with her in that capacity,
Speaker 1: and sex is one need. But but yes, I'm sure,
Speaker 1: but maybe it's not even companionship, like he can't really
Speaker 1: hold a real conversation with her that she's gonna remember
Speaker 1: tomorrow or well, I don't know like how bad it is,
Speaker 1: but if that's the case, like that has to be
Speaker 1: painful to go through, and maybe he needs somebody to
Speaker 1: lean on and he doesn't want to leave her in
Speaker 1: the care of anybody else, So moving somebody else in
Speaker 1: the house is what's his option. That's how I looked
Speaker 1: at it. But when you take it public and bring
Speaker 1: everybody else into it. That's what I have a problem with.
Speaker 1: It's like, if this is what's happening, and the family
Speaker 1: is okay and there's no outrage, then let that man
Speaker 1: do what he's doing and take care of his wife,
Speaker 1: you know, because he feels like he could take best
Speaker 1: care of her maybe I don't know, you know, rather
Speaker 1: than a home attendant. But they're still married married, Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're still that that My feeling is just why not
Speaker 1: do things in order decently and which is you know, again,
Speaker 1: to judge, not less she be judged. This is hypothetical,
Speaker 1: but it's like, divorce her, set it up so that
Speaker 1: she has care and he's taking care of her, and
Speaker 1: then start the new thing versus I'm still married to
Speaker 1: her and I'm bringing my girlfriend into the situation. That
Speaker 1: just doesn't seem like respect. But I got that girlfriend,
Speaker 1: I would be uneasy. Why I wouldn't even want to
Speaker 1: live in the next woman's life. Don't you feel like
Speaker 1: once he if he gets a divorce, he kind of
Speaker 1: gives up his power for say so, Like he would
Speaker 1: have the power to say she was our life support,
Speaker 1: to pull the plug. If he gets a divorce, he
Speaker 1: doesn't have power for nothing, So maybe that's how he's
Speaker 1: looking at it to keep his power. Possibly. I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, when I know, all the ramifications are on
Speaker 1: what they kind of worked out before she Let's say
Speaker 1: that she was on the other foot, Let's say the
Speaker 1: man was the one that was sick and the wife
Speaker 1: was taking care of him and moved in her boyfriend.
Speaker 1: Wouldn't there be outraged even worse because they would be like,
Speaker 1: because it's double standards of how you know, men can
Speaker 1: get away with certain things but women can't. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think they would definitely look at it differently if it
Speaker 1: was a woman who did that. I mean, I can't
Speaker 1: say for sure, but I'm sure there would be some
Speaker 1: type of like damn and with like and how like
Speaker 1: how would he feel? Would he be okay with that?
Speaker 1: Would he be okay with? Like? You know, that's just
Speaker 1: weird to me. Do you think people care more because
Speaker 1: she's a white woman? I think that had something to
Speaker 1: do with it all. He moved the white I personally,
Speaker 1: it was just I mean, the story generate what just
Speaker 1: somebody is a close by move her into the same home,
Speaker 1: and even if he wants to be the one to
Speaker 1: be there to take care of her, get a little
Speaker 1: side apartment and handle a business there, have her there, Like,
Speaker 1: I just think that the respect level is at below zero?
Speaker 1: Is that normalizing cheating? Now? But I think this is
Speaker 1: a very it's not. It's I don't cheating. It is
Speaker 1: such an uncommon situation. It maybe poor judgment, but it doesn't.
Speaker 1: And yes, technically it's quote unquote cheating, but it's so
Speaker 1: different in that it's an extreme situation. Would you say,
Speaker 1: would you give your significant other their blessing? Like, look,
Speaker 1: if something like this would happen to me, I want
Speaker 1: you to still be happy because it's a possibility she
Speaker 1: could have done. So y'all want to have something crazy?
Speaker 1: My aunt actually said to me, and she didn't even
Speaker 1: say it to my mother, but she said it's there.
Speaker 1: It's not a blood hunts and it's gonna sound crazy
Speaker 1: when I say it, but she said that if she
Speaker 1: passes away, that she will want my mother to marry
Speaker 1: her husband what and take care of him. Is that crazy?
Speaker 1: Because she said she wants to see him be happy
Speaker 1: and she thinks that they would be a good match.
Speaker 1: That is well, but they're not blood. They're not blood.
Speaker 1: They're back in the day, she her best friend was
Speaker 1: dating this guy and her best friend got really sick
Speaker 1: or one of her close friends got really sick, and
Speaker 1: the close friends said, when I die, it's okay for
Speaker 1: you to date him, you see. And she passed away
Speaker 1: and they date for years. You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It's like the older thing like that. I don't know
Speaker 1: that i'd be comfortable with that. Back in the day
Speaker 1: they used to sleep with like other people in the
Speaker 1: family and up marrier exactly. And that's what made me
Speaker 1: think of it, because my friend told me his dad
Speaker 1: has his aunt's named tattooed on his arm, and he
Speaker 1: was he didn't never know and he's seen it. He
Speaker 1: was like, what is that? And they were like, you
Speaker 1: didn't know he used to date your aren't for earth?
Speaker 1: And then he had a baby. Didn't happen in the
Speaker 1: Jackson family, Yeah, they got a baby by the same woman,
Speaker 1: um one of them, Yeah, sono or something all. And
Speaker 1: then another thing we wanted to ask you about is
Speaker 1: the bow Wow situation. I'm sure you've seen what happened.
Speaker 1: His face biz are scratched up. Now, we don't know
Speaker 1: the details of what went on, you know, in their kindominium.
Speaker 1: But we do know that they both got arrested for battery,
Speaker 1: and it looks like she attacked him, you know, just
Speaker 1: from the visible scars and stuff that we've seen him,
Speaker 1: from his statement from his reps saying that she attacked him.
Speaker 1: She was drunk, and she threw a lamp and beat
Speaker 1: him with the lamp and all of it. He was
Speaker 1: trying to get away from her. Now, as a man,
Speaker 1: what should you do in a situation when a woman
Speaker 1: is physically assaulting you. Yeah, I think it's a man
Speaker 1: you do your very best to diffuse a situation without violence.
Speaker 1: That is That is the way I believe we should
Speaker 1: handle it. Um. You know, I don't know the particulars
Speaker 1: of what he did or didn't do, but you know,
Speaker 1: if a woman came at me violently, I am going
Speaker 1: to do everything in my power to protect myself without
Speaker 1: inflicting violence on her. That is what I think should happen.
Speaker 1: I've had people tell me that if you don't try
Speaker 1: to attack your man, then you've never been in love.
Speaker 1: That somebody has told me that I said I wouldn't
Speaker 1: put my hands on anybody, and they were like, well,
Speaker 1: then you've never been in love. Before I've heard that
Speaker 1: you're just not crazy. It's difference, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: There's a difference. Are they Is she still together? Um?
Speaker 1: You're supposed to want to love, not fight. But there's
Speaker 1: been situations with people in this room right that things
Speaker 1: have gotten that things have gotten physical. And I'm looking
Speaker 1: at both these ladies here, So I want to hear
Speaker 1: your views now as you get older, like as far
Speaker 1: as you guys, and you see what just been with
Speaker 1: bad one. People are making jokes about it, but it
Speaker 1: really isn't funny, you know, but talk about your own situations.
Speaker 1: I've been in situations on various levels. You know. There
Speaker 1: was a time when I was with somebody who was
Speaker 1: full on abusive and really try to end my life. Um.
Speaker 1: There was what that happened twice in two different situations. UM.
Speaker 1: There was also a time where the anger had you know,
Speaker 1: level level, level level up until I kind of just
Speaker 1: like blew up, and you know, violence came out then
Speaker 1: and that was on my behalf. UM. But you know,
Speaker 1: all of this was years ago. But I feel like, UM,
Speaker 1: as adults, we should learn how to talk and communicate
Speaker 1: and express ourselves without violence. UM. But sometimes when you
Speaker 1: don't do that. Things happen. Um, I'm not saying that
Speaker 1: it's right for anyone to fight, you know, their their partner,
Speaker 1: but in some situations you just feel so disrespectulu were
Speaker 1: so angry that you lash out, but can't you just
Speaker 1: got to try to hold that back. What can you
Speaker 1: do when you feel that disrespected? It at the best
Speaker 1: thing to do is, I think to normally voice it
Speaker 1: and get yourself out of the situation, you know, and
Speaker 1: if you can't voice it in a civil way, get
Speaker 1: yourself out a situation. Because we all kind of know
Speaker 1: when our buttons are being to a degree where it's like, wait,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna come back to this, but if I, if
Speaker 1: I stay in it, things are gonna gop real quick.
Speaker 1: Remove And then once you calm down, figure out the
Speaker 1: best way to at least express how you're feeling before
Speaker 1: you do something that you won't be able to take back,
Speaker 1: like destroying property. What do you think about that? Look?
Speaker 1: I always and I had before, like I was in
Speaker 1: an abusive relationship, So yeah, I would do things that
Speaker 1: like just withoud, like affect him because I knew I
Speaker 1: couldn't beat him because obviously he was always beating me up,
Speaker 1: so um, it just kind of ended up being like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do this to this because it's material and
Speaker 1: I know that that would get to him, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. But I agree with you with the
Speaker 1: I do that often because I know I get very
Speaker 1: very angry, and sometimes I say things that I don't
Speaker 1: mean just to hurt the person's feelings. If I felt disrespected,
Speaker 1: I hurt. So I like to take a step back.
Speaker 1: And even sometimes I gotta tell myself because I'll be
Speaker 1: wanting to just like say something immediately, but I know
Speaker 1: it's gonna be the wrong thing, and I know I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say something nasty and I know like I'm gonna yell.
Speaker 1: So what I do is I now. You know, it
Speaker 1: took me a while even like sometimes ill you know,
Speaker 1: slip into it if I felt some kind of a way,
Speaker 1: But like in my older years, I'm kind of gathering myself,
Speaker 1: like you got to relax, figure out what you're angry about,
Speaker 1: how you're gonna say it in a decent way, and
Speaker 1: do it that way. But sometimes people provoke you, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, You're trying to just relax and
Speaker 1: wait a second, and they're like, well, you ain't going
Speaker 1: and that's when, right, But you know, much like you
Speaker 1: can't really get people the power to be able to
Speaker 1: push your buttons like that because you're doing it on purpose. No, yeah,
Speaker 1: and I understand that too, Like I think people want
Speaker 1: that reaction, and the best reaction is no reaction, right,
Speaker 1: you know, And that's always been And what you talk
Speaker 1: about in your book is something that I've always done, right,
Speaker 1: which you said you count to ten before you do something.
Speaker 1: And when I get mad instead of and you y'all
Speaker 1: know me, and you know that I don't react in
Speaker 1: certain situations. I'll count to ten backwards in my head
Speaker 1: because I never want to put something out there that
Speaker 1: I'm like, damn, I took it too fun Now I'm wrong.
Speaker 1: Now she's funny because she'll get mad. She'll start laughing.
Speaker 1: I actually took that from her, and it helps me. Like,
Speaker 1: but then the person will get mad because it seems
Speaker 1: like you, but it's kind of like just you're mad,
Speaker 1: it's all you just you know what, let's exactly because
Speaker 1: that means I'm thinking something. Oh no, I'm gonna say
Speaker 1: that there's something that I learned from your book that
Speaker 1: I'm going to try to implement. And that's that's too.
Speaker 1: Think about the consequences. I think about in the long room,
Speaker 1: what's going to happen, Think about a little effective this
Speaker 1: is starting before you do it. When I read it
Speaker 1: in your book, I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: use that. It's like this, then this person is gonna
Speaker 1: move here, and then I'm gonna move here, and then
Speaker 1: this is gonna happen. And then because it helps you know,
Speaker 1: we were we all on on certain levels, are impulse driven.
Speaker 1: And and so when you play it all the way out,
Speaker 1: you begin to say, okay, wait is this if I
Speaker 1: act on this impulse, is it worth the result? And
Speaker 1: when you give yourself a chance to play it out,
Speaker 1: most of the time you say, no, no, it's not
Speaker 1: I ain't even gonna ain't gonna even do it, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: step away, I'm gonna do something different. So you know,
Speaker 1: I really wanted to put that in the book, you know,
Speaker 1: as a way to really help us manage these moments
Speaker 1: and these impulses better, because in the moment it seems
Speaker 1: like a good ass idea, and especially like you're going
Speaker 1: on again now and then you think about it. He's like,
Speaker 1: because this it's actually happened to me this year, and
Speaker 1: I actually know to last year because I had to
Speaker 1: really stop and think about it, like all right, this,
Speaker 1: that and this is before I read the book. So
Speaker 1: when I started reading, I've seen a lot of things
Speaker 1: that I put in my home like that. I didn't
Speaker 1: even think about it, like that's something I'll bring back.
Speaker 1: Like you said, now I could think further life, how
Speaker 1: do I stop myself from whatever I think of the consequence? Yeah,
Speaker 1: come on, now, let's talk about like disrespect. Okay, if
Speaker 1: someone talks to you crazy, because this is something we
Speaker 1: were discussing before you walked in here. Because sometimes we
Speaker 1: get into relationships and like you said, we say things
Speaker 1: that maybe we don't mean in the heat of the
Speaker 1: moment and moving forward from that, right, can you move
Speaker 1: forward from that? When somebody says something that is so
Speaker 1: crazy that you're like, I don't even know how to
Speaker 1: handle this. Well, if someone says it's like in a
Speaker 1: relationship sense, you know, yeah, here, here's what I believe
Speaker 1: a lot of times when you hear something like that
Speaker 1: from somebody, If someone says something like that, that intentionally
Speaker 1: or sometimes unintentionally hurt you. And people are smart enough
Speaker 1: to know, okay, you know on one level this is
Speaker 1: gonna hurt. One level is not. Like, So when someone's
Speaker 1: saying something, they say that that is a huge red
Speaker 1: flag that cannot be dismissed. And I and so many
Speaker 1: women that come to me, then I try and help
Speaker 1: them in their situation. There were red flags early on
Speaker 1: when this type of disrespect was shown, and and and
Speaker 1: but because there was a desire to keep the relationship,
Speaker 1: there was a desire to see him change, they stayed
Speaker 1: in something that from the beginning was at a level
Speaker 1: of disrespect that never was at the level of respect
Speaker 1: it should have been. So as a result, they patch
Speaker 1: up that moment, they disregard it, and then it keeps happening, repeatedly, repeatedly, repeating.
Speaker 1: So I think the first thing, the moment that there's disrespect,
Speaker 1: it is important to say, hey, wait a minute, we're
Speaker 1: gonna we're gonna set the table for what is okay
Speaker 1: and what's not this How you just talked to me
Speaker 1: and what you said. I don't know how else you've
Speaker 1: talked to other people. This is unacceptable. If you can't
Speaker 1: roll with that, no problem, I'll blessed, I'll see you later.
Speaker 1: But moving forward, I need you to know that I
Speaker 1: can't have another moment like this because what happens is
Speaker 1: expectations that are set, and once you set expectations, then
Speaker 1: you can hold somebody accountable. However, sometimes if you endure
Speaker 1: that disrespect and you just say, oh, well, you know what,
Speaker 1: he was upset, It's okay, I'm gonna sweeping under the
Speaker 1: rail and it comes, then you go, right, we were suppressing,
Speaker 1: you know, and then that suppression ends up, you know,
Speaker 1: like you said, becoming a pile. Anything be suppressed. We empower.
Speaker 1: So I think it's really important when there's disrespect to
Speaker 1: call it out immediately. And also don't feel like you're
Speaker 1: being petty anything that rubs your spirit wrong, especially in
Speaker 1: the early stages of dating somebody, you got it, you
Speaker 1: got about it. And that is for not just relationships,
Speaker 1: to friendships, friendships and relationships anything. If you feel like
Speaker 1: somebody's disrespectful, even if they're like, oh, you're being petty, no,
Speaker 1: you should bring those things up because if not, it
Speaker 1: is going to pile up. And it's important to set boundaries.
Speaker 1: It's really important to set boundaries, parameters, how do we engage,
Speaker 1: What are the rules of engagement? What what does respect
Speaker 1: look like to you? What is it like to me?
Speaker 1: And all those different settings. It's so important because the
Speaker 1: truth is, sometimes people will do things and people, you know,
Speaker 1: look in our flesh. We do a lot of stuff
Speaker 1: we may not we shouldn't do. But sometimes people do
Speaker 1: things just to push, like you said, just to see
Speaker 1: are they gonna say something, Are they gonna push back?
Speaker 1: How far can I go before they'll get upset? You
Speaker 1: know what. People want to know where the boundaries are
Speaker 1: in any situation. So sometimes it's like, oh, you want
Speaker 1: to know, let you know, here's the boundary right here,
Speaker 1: you know, so that way we can move forward in respect,
Speaker 1: we can move forward in love, we can move forward,
Speaker 1: you know, in camaraderie. But if I don't let you
Speaker 1: know that what just happened a cross the line for me?
Speaker 1: Then what I couldn't stand here and I don't say anything,
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, that's the way far. But
Speaker 1: do you feel like some guys, because I do. I
Speaker 1: think some guys look at when you stop and be like,
Speaker 1: all right, I don't like this on Oh you're nagging
Speaker 1: or you're being argumentative, but you're really just trying to say, like,
Speaker 1: this is not what I'm cool with, like or that's
Speaker 1: not what I'm used to you know what I mean that?
Speaker 1: How do you take that into account? And said it
Speaker 1: up thinking you're being confrontational? Yeah. I think two things
Speaker 1: are important. One tone, tone is everything, so so how
Speaker 1: you deliver it sometimes it's important as to deliver it
Speaker 1: alf So once you have the tone, you know right
Speaker 1: where it's not confrontational, it's it's conversational. The other thing
Speaker 1: is that truth be told. Most men don't like to
Speaker 1: be called on their stuff. Yeah, but so even when
Speaker 1: the tone is right, you're still gonna get some pushback, right.
Speaker 1: That pushback is not your concern. Your concern is I
Speaker 1: said what I had to say. I said it in love,
Speaker 1: because most of the time some a man will say that,
Speaker 1: but they take it in right, you know, Okay, God
Speaker 1: is she didn't like that? Okay, even though I'm saying,
Speaker 1: why are you nagging me? Up? I heard you heard
Speaker 1: that agent with right, and it's better to plant that seed.
Speaker 1: And even if they say nagging, plant the seed, it's okay.
Speaker 1: They'll get over it because in time, they will see, Oh,
Speaker 1: this is a woman that respects herself, she wants me
Speaker 1: to respect her, and those things are valued. What about
Speaker 1: what clothing? Sex? What do you think about that? Like
Speaker 1: if you get into something, let's say, you know, you
Speaker 1: know what, just for me to prove my extra points
Speaker 1: to you, you ain't getting none. Well, here here's this
Speaker 1: is I'll unpack this. So um, it depends on you
Speaker 1: know what stage we're talking about. So I was at Facebook,
Speaker 1: um just a little while ago talking doing a lecture
Speaker 1: on the book, and the audience was predominantly women, and
Speaker 1: so I was I gave this kind of analogy relative
Speaker 1: to sex. I said, okay, so um, for the women
Speaker 1: in the audience, Um, a month in when you're dating
Speaker 1: a guy, Um, would you give them the code to
Speaker 1: your phone? Said no? They said, oh, don't you talk
Speaker 1: about a month? And no? I said, Okay. For some
Speaker 1: of you in previous situations, why may have you given
Speaker 1: that same man? You wouldn't give a code of your phone?
Speaker 1: Why would you have already given your body within a month.
Speaker 1: If you don't trust him enough with your phone, why
Speaker 1: would you trust them with your body? But about it
Speaker 1: as so so so going back to withholding sex. Listen,
Speaker 1: you know my point of view. I believe sexhually we
Speaker 1: should wait until marriage. However, most of I couldn't do that,
Speaker 1: so my my advice. But oh so okay, great, So
Speaker 1: in a married situation, UM, I don't think you should
Speaker 1: use sex as a weapon because I think that that
Speaker 1: can only bear really bad fruit for your marriage. If
Speaker 1: you're upset, talk about it. Now. Here's what's gonna normally
Speaker 1: happen in situations, because this has happened to Megan. I
Speaker 1: you know, when it's time to have sex, and there's
Speaker 1: another issue. Most of the time, as man, we may
Speaker 1: not know there's an issue with with what we may
Speaker 1: have said or done until it's time and then oh
Speaker 1: heay wait, oh so you're you're upset about Oh I
Speaker 1: didn't even know that, right. So it's never that sex
Speaker 1: is ever with held as a weapon. But sometimes the
Speaker 1: desire to have sex or not to have sex offense.
Speaker 1: So we have sex maybe laying there like this, you know,
Speaker 1: moving no, so with your hilarious what's wrong baby? Not
Speaker 1: almost done? Straight in that situation? Is that right? Right?
Speaker 1: That had better? Yeah? Better you lebron has off night
Speaker 1: at a time like that, all right now, let's talk
Speaker 1: about rebuilding trusts right once that trust has been broken,
Speaker 1: because this happens a lot, and I get emails all
Speaker 1: the time for people are saying, Okay, me and my girlfriend,
Speaker 1: I cheated on her, we broke up. I really want
Speaker 1: her back, but she's given me a hard time and
Speaker 1: vice versa as well. What are some ways that you
Speaker 1: can start rebuilding that trust? Um? One of the key
Speaker 1: ways is if you're a man and you have broken
Speaker 1: or violated the trust with a woman, UM, you have
Speaker 1: to do your work in yourself that produced the violation
Speaker 1: to begin with. Because what I mean by that is
Speaker 1: a lot of times and that's why I wrote the book,
Speaker 1: because you know, men have lust, they have this dog,
Speaker 1: and when you start to feed it, your desire is
Speaker 1: how can I please this over anything else? And a
Speaker 1: lot of times I can lead to violations within a
Speaker 1: marriage or in a relationship. And most of the time
Speaker 1: a man who really loves a woman and he has
Speaker 1: hurt her, even if he's cheating on her, he wants
Speaker 1: to make it right. But a lot of the times
Speaker 1: the making it right is just getting her back, not
Speaker 1: doing the work on himself that produced the desire to
Speaker 1: go outside the relationship to begin with. So if you
Speaker 1: really want to show a woman that you're serious, it's
Speaker 1: not just about wooing her back. It's about why did
Speaker 1: I do this? What's going on in me? And how
Speaker 1: do I get help for this? Who do I need
Speaker 1: to talk to? I need to get a counseled. I
Speaker 1: need to get a therapist. What do I need to
Speaker 1: do regularly? I need a consistent program? You know that
Speaker 1: to me? I think we'll speak volumes to a woman
Speaker 1: who really loves a man, who has been hurt by
Speaker 1: that man, seeing that man do his own work to
Speaker 1: get this issue under control, because when you're asking a
Speaker 1: woman to trust you again, there needs to, in my opinion,
Speaker 1: be something more than face value. Well, you asked me
Speaker 1: to trust you the last time, and this I still
Speaker 1: got here. So you want me just on blind faith
Speaker 1: just to trust you again. When you're not doing your work,
Speaker 1: I don't see that you're doing anything differently. The reality
Speaker 1: is if you keep doing the same thing over and
Speaker 1: over again, inspecting different results, we all know what that is. Insanity.
Speaker 1: And so on some level, a man asking a woman
Speaker 1: to to come back after he cheated on her and
Speaker 1: he's not gonna do anything differently is insane. So it's
Speaker 1: important for that man to do his work. And then
Speaker 1: in when you have offended somebody, it is so important
Speaker 1: that whatever they need to make it right, that's what
Speaker 1: you do right. And and too often when someone has
Speaker 1: offended someone else, the person that has done the offense
Speaker 1: wants to set the terms by which they no longer
Speaker 1: have to say I'm sorry. It doesn't work that way.
Speaker 1: When I've heard somebody, I have to own it. I
Speaker 1: had to be accountable and and I gotta say, okay, baby, listen.
Speaker 1: If you need me to say sorry every day, that's
Speaker 1: what I'll do whatever you need me to do to
Speaker 1: to get you to a place of healing and wholeness
Speaker 1: and trust. Then, as the man, if you have violated
Speaker 1: that trust, you got to commit to it and do it.
Speaker 1: And even when you feel like I wish I didn't
Speaker 1: have to, well, guess what you do. If you really
Speaker 1: love her, it's really, really, really important to not say
Speaker 1: well every time she brings it up. Well, a lot
Speaker 1: of times she's bringing it up because it never got
Speaker 1: resolved in the first place, because it's still the wound
Speaker 1: is still flat. To be persistent or to leave that
Speaker 1: person alone and give them space if you're trying to
Speaker 1: get them back. You know, I honestly think if you're
Speaker 1: sincere about it. Um, I think uh, persistence is important
Speaker 1: because even when someone's mad at you, that persistent still
Speaker 1: lets him know you care. Uh. And even if a
Speaker 1: woman says, hey, I need space, you can still give
Speaker 1: him space without you know, being overbearing or becoming a stalker.
Speaker 1: But to still say, hey, you know I love you,
Speaker 1: I want to work this out, I'm here, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: you forgive me. There's a way to do that without
Speaker 1: it avering into the territory of abuse. But I think
Speaker 1: persistence is better because, you know, you want to make
Speaker 1: sure she knows you're you're you're serious, because sometimes even
Speaker 1: when she's mad at you, she still wants to know
Speaker 1: because he still want this, because he still want to
Speaker 1: make it work. Am I important? Does he Did he
Speaker 1: really love me? Or was I mistaken this case? If
Speaker 1: he disappears and gives you space, you're like, oh, so
Speaker 1: he's with her now, that's what you think. He was
Speaker 1: hit me every day saying good morning. Now he stopped
Speaker 1: right right now? What if you're not attracted to your
Speaker 1: partner anymore? Let's just say they let themselves go. You know,
Speaker 1: they look a mess and they gained a lot of
Speaker 1: weight and lazy. Yeah, they're not dressing nicely, they're not
Speaker 1: doing just all kinds of things just because they're too comfortable.
Speaker 1: How do you address a situation like that and be
Speaker 1: like mindful of their feelings at the same time. There's
Speaker 1: a great book that I referenced in in my book
Speaker 1: called His Needs, Her Needs UM by Dr Willard Harley Junior.
Speaker 1: And Megan and I do this every single year, and
Speaker 1: in the book there are ten emotional needs that he lists,
Speaker 1: which are basically all of our different needs, but he
Speaker 1: says men's and women's needs are different. So every year
Speaker 1: Megan and I get together and we prioritize what are
Speaker 1: our you know, emotional needs, so that mine are different
Speaker 1: than hers. But she knows what mine are so I
Speaker 1: can become great at meeting hers, and she know and
Speaker 1: I know what hers are, so she can become great
Speaker 1: at meeting mine. One of those emotional needs is physical attractiveness. Right,
Speaker 1: So so in this situation you're bringing up, it's important
Speaker 1: to address it head on and say, this is one
Speaker 1: of my needs. I can't tell you why it is,
Speaker 1: but it is exactly when our but when our emotional
Speaker 1: needs are not met. This is one of the main
Speaker 1: things that least us to look outside of relationship to
Speaker 1: getting mad. All of us have needs and if if
Speaker 1: those you know, core needs are not being met by
Speaker 1: our significant other, whether we like it or not, we're
Speaker 1: gonna start looking outside. And so when it comes to
Speaker 1: you know, physical attractiveness, yeah, you got you gotta say,
Speaker 1: hey baby, look, uh, you know, let's talk about this.
Speaker 1: I don't I don't want to make you feel bad.
Speaker 1: I don't want to make you feel insecure, but this
Speaker 1: is one of my needs. And what can we do
Speaker 1: about that? You know, I mean Megan not talking about
Speaker 1: it all the time. You know. Look, she'll tell me,
Speaker 1: hey baby, this is what I need. So I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm not gonna judge her need. It is
Speaker 1: what she needs, and I'll do my best to meet
Speaker 1: it by keeping myself in a in a you know,
Speaker 1: look where it's good for me. But it's also making
Speaker 1: sure that she feels like I'm valuing what she wants
Speaker 1: out of it. Obviously it needs change. So that's yeah,
Speaker 1: because there are things change, they go up and down
Speaker 1: and sometimes I don't even know her needs and change
Speaker 1: to ask it. That's a good thing to even think about, Like,
Speaker 1: g you're in a relationship, what are your needs? We
Speaker 1: ain't got all day? What are your needs in your relationship? Um?
Speaker 1: I can say my number one knee at this very
Speaker 1: moment moment is honesty, trust, um, and just communication is
Speaker 1: really big right now, like we need to really communicate
Speaker 1: with each other on all levels. Has that been working?
Speaker 1: Have you guys? I mean it's like these are the
Speaker 1: things that we're working on. So yeah, I mean we
Speaker 1: were together. Okay, that's the first step together. Now there's
Speaker 1: a quizin here lurial for women, are you dealing with
Speaker 1: the dog? Okay? Because lury you're single? Right? Yeah? Okay,
Speaker 1: so and I would divine for you to weigh in
Speaker 1: on some of her answers here. Okay, okay, okay. If
Speaker 1: you're single, when you go out a date, it's sex
Speaker 1: your date's main objective? My date? Is that an objective? Um? No,
Speaker 1: it shouldn't be. But it's not feet together. No, I'm
Speaker 1: not just going to go out on a date with
Speaker 1: somebody that just wants to have sex. But he probably
Speaker 1: does want to have sex like every other guy. So yes,
Speaker 1: jump in that true. So yes, I didn't think every guy.
Speaker 1: But it's the main objective from what he wants from
Speaker 1: you in that moment now, because then he wouldn't take
Speaker 1: me on a date. He would just try to constantly. Yeah,
Speaker 1: as I felt like a date is more like you
Speaker 1: want to get to know somebody a little bit, because
Speaker 1: I'm totally representative. Well, that's why you do in the book,
Speaker 1: you know, as you all know, I mean love is
Speaker 1: the master, right, So every man has love and lust.
Speaker 1: Love is the master. Lust is the dog. So you
Speaker 1: have to master the dog. And a lot of men
Speaker 1: will lead with the master, but it's secretly they're really
Speaker 1: going with the dog the dog. So like, for example, um,
Speaker 1: one of the got a I sent out a bunch
Speaker 1: of early copies and so there was a young woman
Speaker 1: who read the book and she said, wow, I got
Speaker 1: a true testimony I gotta give. She said, on the
Speaker 1: first when I'm this guy, on the first day we
Speaker 1: prayed together, oh man, he showed me the master. That's
Speaker 1: day he was you know, he was revealed that also
Speaker 1: all he wanted was says right. So even though he
Speaker 1: took a round all that it was only about you know,
Speaker 1: he was praying for he was, but the third day
Speaker 1: it was clear what he wanted. And so she said,
Speaker 1: because she read the book, it actually gave her the
Speaker 1: information she needed to navigate the situation. Instead of being mad, upset, disappointed,
Speaker 1: she's like, oh, got it, this is what's really going on.
Speaker 1: This is what you really want, and that's not what
Speaker 1: I'm into right now. So as a result, it actually
Speaker 1: gave her the ability to deal with it in a
Speaker 1: more constructive way than how she said she normally would
Speaker 1: have dealt with So in that situation, some in their
Speaker 1: m oh maybe all that, you know, the dating and
Speaker 1: the taking out and the spending money, but they still
Speaker 1: have the same objective that other men may front about
Speaker 1: it would happen. So you gotta sometimes give it time
Speaker 1: to see is this man really you know who I think,
Speaker 1: or is he really want what most men? Who is
Speaker 1: the better guy out of those two, the one that's
Speaker 1: trying to hide it to you or the one that's
Speaker 1: putting it out on the front because he's being honest
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, right, Well, you know what,
Speaker 1: I think that both Uh, it depends on the situation.
Speaker 1: But I think at the end of the day, you
Speaker 1: know some men that are more manipulatives. It's not better
Speaker 1: or worse. I think it comes down to the person
Speaker 1: that they're trying to manipulate for them to say, hey, look,
Speaker 1: I'm not just gonna take this at face value, you know,
Speaker 1: ensure it's great that that man said, Hey, here's what
Speaker 1: I like. I think that's a good thing. Hey the
Speaker 1: all I'm into a sex Do you want to do it? Great? Don't.
Speaker 1: But I believe that most men are not that honest.
Speaker 1: I believe so too. I believe so too. They may
Speaker 1: not even realize it themselves too, that if they don't
Speaker 1: think about it, they're just operate. It just becomes a
Speaker 1: remote behavior. Alright. Has someone stopped dating you because you
Speaker 1: wanted to wait for sex until marriage. I've never said
Speaker 1: that before. No, I would try. I actually when I
Speaker 1: was reading the book, and I like, I was just
Speaker 1: thinking about things, and I know you and Megan did
Speaker 1: write the book about waiting, and I think, if anything,
Speaker 1: that's what made me think about it, the fact that
Speaker 1: you guys talked about it, and because I don't know
Speaker 1: anybody that's done that to be honest, like, yeah, wait,
Speaker 1: but not till marriage, you know what I mean, Like
Speaker 1: I've waited like months or something like that, Like I'll
Speaker 1: wait like whatever, But it's not just like, well when
Speaker 1: I get married then. But I think because at one
Speaker 1: point I wasn't ready to get married. So maybe that's
Speaker 1: why that wasn't my objective. But now, like I could
Speaker 1: see that now because I'm older, it would be a
Speaker 1: great wife. Yeah, I would be a great wife obviously.
Speaker 1: But you know, I like you also. I feel like
Speaker 1: you have to be ready for you can't just be
Speaker 1: like because some guys think because you're a woman, you
Speaker 1: just automatically want to get Guys do think that they
Speaker 1: that's your objective on the first eight They in their
Speaker 1: head think she's already picking out me to the babies
Speaker 1: and thinking about marriage. And sometimes we're just trying to
Speaker 1: see we even like you. Right now, Um, does the
Speaker 1: man you're with watch pornography regularly? You know you can't
Speaker 1: see it. I probably watched more porn than he. All right,
Speaker 1: now let's delve into pornography because I didn't listen after
Speaker 1: reading the book, right he talks about watching pornography and
Speaker 1: how could be detriment. Yeah, but I know up here
Speaker 1: we all have talked about the pornography. And you know
Speaker 1: what's interesting, everybody here has said they watched pornography of
Speaker 1: things that they would never do. And so it's not
Speaker 1: necessarily like you watch stuff that this is reflective of
Speaker 1: your life. But it's more like I would never do this.
Speaker 1: But this is crazy because kid, I don't watch like
Speaker 1: regular sex porn and I have regular things that what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, yeah, like regular sex. No, So what do
Speaker 1: you think about that? Because you said that it is
Speaker 1: detrimented and I started thinking, like, damn, we always talk
Speaker 1: about porn. You know, look, this is this is the
Speaker 1: first time I've actually had a conversation with women watching porn.
Speaker 1: So this is this is something new I'm learning. Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm they didn't study they said the numbers. I wrote it. Actually,
Speaker 1: you know, from a standpoint of thinking about men and
Speaker 1: you know, seeing how destructive it is on men, you know, um,
Speaker 1: and I think that you know, every man has to
Speaker 1: really look at that because you know, it is a
Speaker 1: world that becomes that can be very hard when you're
Speaker 1: in that fantasy world all the time and then you
Speaker 1: try to live in a normal you know, day to
Speaker 1: day life, it can be very challenging. And I talked
Speaker 1: about feeding the doll, you know, and that's where it
Speaker 1: feeds the dog. What about though, like for women, you
Speaker 1: think it's different or you think it's the same thing. No,
Speaker 1: I actually think there's lust in all of us, and
Speaker 1: I think the more that we feed that lust, the
Speaker 1: more challenges we have managing it. And sometimes we aren't
Speaker 1: always aware of what could seem casual, you know, it's like,
Speaker 1: oh it's cool, no problem, it comes out in other ways.
Speaker 1: So I would caution anyone no matter what it is,
Speaker 1: that vice feeds the lust in us, and we always
Speaker 1: have to look at that. Yeah. I've heard say that
Speaker 1: they were really thought about it the way I did,
Speaker 1: not read about it. Wrote about people being like Terry Crews.
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, yeah, like that, you know, was like
Speaker 1: dang to me, because yeah, I mean I watched porn
Speaker 1: a lot, but I don't think that I'm predicted that
Speaker 1: I need. Yeah, like I'm not sitting at home for hours,
Speaker 1: and but um, porn. I wrote the numbers down and
Speaker 1: I don't feel like being a nerd to go look
Speaker 1: it up. But like porn has more viewers per second
Speaker 1: than Amazon. Yeah. Netflix. I read it and I was like,
Speaker 1: this is crazy. Simply it's so easily accessible on it.
Speaker 1: Before you have to order videotapes. Now you can just
Speaker 1: get your phone and go Instagram. I've never watched porn
Speaker 1: on TV on my TV Next Level, but we were
Speaker 1: talking to one of our friends and she says that
Speaker 1: she has sex airplane. Yeah. Wow, the porn is on TV.
Speaker 1: She has sex. What's it watching? Watching? Like she'll stream
Speaker 1: it from her phone via airplane to her TV and
Speaker 1: have it playing on the TV while she's having sex.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe that is just something that is
Speaker 1: like the dog and in her See is it okay?
Speaker 1: Sometimes in your relationships, say you're in love to have
Speaker 1: less field feelings towards the person you're in love with, Well, see,
Speaker 1: I would say those are actually from the master, right
Speaker 1: when I when I love the woman in my life,
Speaker 1: that love there's a passion there, there's a sexuality there,
Speaker 1: There's there's a chemistry there. So and that's a healthy
Speaker 1: way to deal with it because you're in a situation
Speaker 1: that has commitment, that has trust, and that has love.
Speaker 1: So to me, when I look at lust, you know
Speaker 1: that lust is I don't care about this person, right,
Speaker 1: I just have a feeling. I have an urge. I'm horning,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be, and I want that that feeling
Speaker 1: to be satisfied. Doesn't sometimes even matter who satisfied. To me,
Speaker 1: that's lust. Love is I love my wife, She's amazing.
Speaker 1: Of course I have sexual feelings for her. Of course
Speaker 1: I have passion for her. So to me, that's the master,
Speaker 1: and the master is where those feelings are are coming from. Right,
Speaker 1: Because if I just have lust, it's like it's independent
Speaker 1: of any sort of commitment or love that I may
Speaker 1: have for someone. Anybody can get it. Now, does the
Speaker 1: man you're with hanging out with other men who are
Speaker 1: known harassers or cheaters? That's hard harrasser seems a little
Speaker 1: bit hard o cheater? Yeah, does that make you feel weird?
Speaker 1: Like if he's going out with his boys or something like?
Speaker 1: You know what makes me feel weird? It makes me
Speaker 1: feel weird when my guy, when his friends that are
Speaker 1: in known relationships try to start relationships or like get
Speaker 1: with my friends or that's weird to me because why
Speaker 1: should they even feel comfortable doing exactly? And then it
Speaker 1: also makes me feel that behind my back, they're trying
Speaker 1: to get my guys trying to get with their have
Speaker 1: an understanding. Yeah, it's like, but then when your girlfriends
Speaker 1: talk about it, well, you know what becomes weird is
Speaker 1: if I know that Joey has a girlfriend, and then
Speaker 1: Joey comes around and Joey likes Tammy, and then Joey
Speaker 1: and Tammy starts speaking and become something whatever, and then
Speaker 1: Joey comes around with his girlfriend or baby mama, and
Speaker 1: then you feel like, yeah, no, I feel like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel shady because it's like I'm smiling up in
Speaker 1: your girlfriend's face knowing damn well, joe was just up
Speaker 1: in my girlfriend. And then you have to be like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be involved in please don't have
Speaker 1: this around. And then they're gonna bring the side check instead,
Speaker 1: and you're not gonna be around neither. It's gonna be
Speaker 1: Joey telling me the side And that's how that be saying.
Speaker 1: That's though, because it's okay for Joey to cheat on
Speaker 1: his and with my friends and the ship then and
Speaker 1: then then Joey eyes, it's okay to you for you
Speaker 1: to cheat on me, but that friend you're gonna be
Speaker 1: kicking your back and I'm like, why are you always
Speaker 1: that bring her around. She's a hater. She's gonna tell
Speaker 1: this and that, and then your man needs to be like, look,
Speaker 1: I don't want that around my girl. Yeah, but you're
Speaker 1: not how to be My bribind would definitely be like,
Speaker 1: I don't want her around that. He would definitely say that, like,
Speaker 1: don't bring that around my girlfriend because she's not gonna
Speaker 1: like that. But that's why I asked that question, and
Speaker 1: I put it in there because I think it's important
Speaker 1: for you know, especially as men, to look at who
Speaker 1: do we associate with, what qualities are in our circle,
Speaker 1: because the qualities in our circle reflection the reflection of
Speaker 1: my quality. And if I'm making the decision that you
Speaker 1: know what, I'm trying to master this doll, I'm trying
Speaker 1: to become different. I gotta hang with men that want
Speaker 1: to become different. You know what. Doesn't mean I have
Speaker 1: to cut everybody off, but I do have to navigate
Speaker 1: how much I'm spending time with people that are going
Speaker 1: in a completely different well, not not with the brothers
Speaker 1: that that ain't gonna keep your honest married. If your
Speaker 1: friends is married, then I mean if the guy's friends
Speaker 1: is married, then he should be more of the kind
Speaker 1: of guy that you're looking for, what you would hope,
Speaker 1: So as long as those married men, because sometimes you
Speaker 1: can be married and still Yeah, on the Breakfast Club
Speaker 1: that on lip Service, my friends all think that all
Speaker 1: men che and so I just want to hear what
Speaker 1: he has to say about that, because that's something that
Speaker 1: I specifically on the show has said that that's the
Speaker 1: word that all men. I feel like I changed my
Speaker 1: mind on men chi. I think that a lot of
Speaker 1: men chi, and I think in the industry that we're in,
Speaker 1: because that's what I always is thinking of all men,
Speaker 1: all the men around me, and all the men around me,
Speaker 1: I do think cheat. But that's because I'm in the
Speaker 1: entertainment industry, and I mean, obviously there's a lot of
Speaker 1: things being thrown at both sides to defense, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, women and men. So that's what I
Speaker 1: think that people in the entertainment industry, and maybe a
Speaker 1: little harder for them to be faithful. And I get it.
Speaker 1: There's temptations in the world regular animals. Cheats are doctors.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, they said the number one cheaters are doctors. Ye,
Speaker 1: because they're never home right and they cheat a lot
Speaker 1: of times and stuff like, yeah, that was a pole
Speaker 1: that they had done at that same hospital back they
Speaker 1: didn't already came away. But like most men cheat or
Speaker 1: or will yeah, and then there's different levels of cheat,
Speaker 1: and there's a motional cheating. You know, it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to just be physical. It's I feel like cheating is
Speaker 1: anything that you wouldn't do comfortably in front of me
Speaker 1: that you do behind my back. And I feel like
Speaker 1: most men. But about fight, no, I'm justudging should be
Speaker 1: able to far from me. I don't care what you said. Girls,
Speaker 1: that's true, right, don't fire girls. Man Megan to this
Speaker 1: day what she wants doing. That's closer. She farted in
Speaker 1: front of you. I don't know if I feel closer
Speaker 1: smell side, I would be shocked. Maybe she does, but
Speaker 1: her first don't smell. I don't think that's the Maybe
Speaker 1: she walked out the room you have, Actually you don't.
Speaker 1: She's seven years they were almost seven years, and she
Speaker 1: ain't done it yet. I haven't seen her go to
Speaker 1: the bathroom to take a number two or yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't do in front of her. Yes, Okay, so
Speaker 1: you've already opened up that man. You guys are discussing listen.
Speaker 1: I definitely like farted in my sleep and woke myself up, like,
Speaker 1: oh sorry, you can't help that, all right? Sorry, I
Speaker 1: think it's funny. I mean, it's not like you do
Speaker 1: it on purpose, is because that's rude. But if it happens,
Speaker 1: if something slides out, you have i'd you yourself up,
Speaker 1: talk you extra beans. But those things, I think that
Speaker 1: really signify how much y'all care about each other. Like
Speaker 1: when you can be who you truly? Are you far
Speaker 1: in front of me? No, I don't fart. I don't
Speaker 1: know what that was. I been honest. We cannot act
Speaker 1: like we don't fight. I don't far. Yeah, him, he
Speaker 1: likes that actually with him. Just now, what about open
Speaker 1: relationships because that's been something that a lot of people
Speaker 1: have been discussing, and some people have admitted that, yes,
Speaker 1: I'm in a open relationship or I've tried it. What
Speaker 1: do you say the couples that are like, you know what,
Speaker 1: we're in an open relationship. I really feel like, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't want to restrict them from doing their thing,
Speaker 1: don't want to be restricted from doing my thing. As
Speaker 1: long as we let each other know what's going on,
Speaker 1: and we agreed upon it. We're good. You know. It's Um.
Speaker 1: I mean, look, every couple has to do what they
Speaker 1: feel works best for them at the end of the day. Um,
Speaker 1: it's certainly you know, as a slippery slope. Um. You know,
Speaker 1: you are definitely on some level playing with fire because
Speaker 1: I think it's it's it's near impossible for both people
Speaker 1: in a relationship, no matter what you're dealing with, to
Speaker 1: be on the same emotional plane. And no one knows
Speaker 1: how something like that is going to affect the other
Speaker 1: until you you dabble with it. For some it's easy
Speaker 1: to deal with. For others, you get into it and
Speaker 1: next thing you know, Uh, nothing is is enough. So
Speaker 1: for those couples that choose to do it, I mean
Speaker 1: that's the right, it's their choice. Uh. Is it something
Speaker 1: that works for me? No, something works for Megan? No. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, to start introducing other people into our relationship. Uh,
Speaker 1: it's something about it feels very disruptive. Um in a
Speaker 1: way that when I think of the long term, it
Speaker 1: would be very destructive. But he thinks that the consequences
Speaker 1: because the consquince STI didn't have an open relationship. So
Speaker 1: this happened. Next thing, I know the other woman is pregnant.
Speaker 1: That's why didn't. Worst case, that's what happened. I was
Speaker 1: in the open relationship, I left it for two and
Speaker 1: a half years, and then somebody else popped up with
Speaker 1: a baby. And the reason that really it wasn't even
Speaker 1: the fact that she was pregnant, because clearly that's one
Speaker 1: of the consequences that can happen if you're dealing with
Speaker 1: other women, she could possibly get pregnant, And it was
Speaker 1: the fact that he lied to me about it, Like
Speaker 1: I couldn't. I could take the fact that she was
Speaker 1: pregnant more than I could take the fact that he
Speaker 1: wasn't honest to me when I knew facts that this
Speaker 1: lady was pregnant for him, and I confronted him about it,
Speaker 1: and he still denied that this lady was having his baby.
Speaker 1: And it's like why I at this point that was
Speaker 1: crazy than a movie, isn't it? The things that we
Speaker 1: end up going what happens if you bring more a
Speaker 1: lot more to the table than your significant other, Like
Speaker 1: as women who are working, sometimes we aren't gonna date
Speaker 1: guys that bring the same amount to the table or
Speaker 1: bring all of that, and we end up you know,
Speaker 1: bearing a lot of that. What is your advice for
Speaker 1: something like that? You know, I think it's twofold, you know. One.
Speaker 1: You know, when Megan and I started dating, there's no
Speaker 1: doubt that even though I was you know, when we
Speaker 1: started dating, I was an executive at Sony Pictures. You know,
Speaker 1: I was doing fine, but she was doing better financially
Speaker 1: for me, I didn't think anything of it. I was like,
Speaker 1: this is great, you know, to become one. I mean,
Speaker 1: we both got more resources. I never thought less than
Speaker 1: or more than. I was like, cool, this is what
Speaker 1: we're bringing to the table. Well, let's say it's significant different.
Speaker 1: So so what I would say, Well, well, I think
Speaker 1: it's I think it's important one um to the men
Speaker 1: because a lot of times men have this problem, you know,
Speaker 1: And I think what it is is there's there's an insecurity. Uh.
Speaker 1: And that insecurity is that society says, to be a man,
Speaker 1: here are the things that fit in that box. You
Speaker 1: gotta provide, you gotta be the breadwinner. And if you don't,
Speaker 1: most men that don't feel bad about it on some level.
Speaker 1: And that is what produces the insecurity. So if a
Speaker 1: man has a problem with what a woman makes is
Speaker 1: because he feels like, how could I ever live up
Speaker 1: to that? What a woman or a man makes is
Speaker 1: not a measure of the person. It just isn't so
Speaker 1: to me. I think it's important for any man to
Speaker 1: feel comfortable one with all your woman brings to the table,
Speaker 1: not just in financially, but professionally, personally, so on and
Speaker 1: so forth, and and accept it. Don't say, oh, you
Speaker 1: know it makes me feel worse. No, she chose you.
Speaker 1: You chose her that you should be like, great. The
Speaker 1: more she wins, the more we win. Now here's the
Speaker 1: other part of that. That same man has to steal
Speaker 1: put themselves in a process every day where they don't
Speaker 1: just freeload. They don't just get by because they know
Speaker 1: the woman is doing better. No, no, no, you still
Speaker 1: you still got to get out there and stay on
Speaker 1: your housetle, do your thing so that you can bring
Speaker 1: as much as you can to the table. Again, not
Speaker 1: about finances, but it's about effort. It's about energy. And
Speaker 1: it's like listen, I'm not just gonna benefit you know,
Speaker 1: and not put in as much as I can from
Speaker 1: from an energy and from a mindset standpoint. Now, for
Speaker 1: a woman, I think it's important to not think, oh,
Speaker 1: because I make more money, that means I have more, say,
Speaker 1: you know, or for a man that's making more money.
Speaker 1: In a relationship, it comes down to if I'm choosing
Speaker 1: this man and this is what he's doing, do I
Speaker 1: accept him for who he is where he is? Or
Speaker 1: am I accepting him and I want him to become different?
Speaker 1: And I think that's where the change comes in. If
Speaker 1: you met him and he wasn't really you know, applying
Speaker 1: himself in life, and he kind of was, you know,
Speaker 1: half doing it, then if you love him right there,
Speaker 1: don't then love him expect him to become different? Right?
Speaker 1: And I think that's a hard truth because sometimes we
Speaker 1: see potential in the other person do it. He's got
Speaker 1: to want to jump on his own, he's got to
Speaker 1: want to jump on his own, and he's got to
Speaker 1: have his own motivation in life. Uh. And if he
Speaker 1: has those things, then then great. We all want better
Speaker 1: for the people that we are in relationship with. However,
Speaker 1: we have to make the decision do we love him
Speaker 1: as they are? And if we don't, then it's important
Speaker 1: to identify that before going further. Now, I want to
Speaker 1: ask you this um and this is gonna be our
Speaker 1: last question, because I know you're doing a lot of
Speaker 1: promo right now. Um, so let's just say we were
Speaker 1: very serious about wanting to settle down and get married. Right.
Speaker 1: How soon are we supposed to discuss these things when
Speaker 1: we meet someone, and what are some indications that this
Speaker 1: is the type of person that is a master I
Speaker 1: think we should answer when we do it first, and
Speaker 1: then he should tell us that we're doing it wrong. Okay,
Speaker 1: go ahead, But I got a third all right, so
Speaker 1: if we I talk about it right away, like first date,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm looking for in my life, not
Speaker 1: from you necessarily, but this is what I because I
Speaker 1: don't know you know what I mean. But yeah, I
Speaker 1: want to have kids. I want to get married. I
Speaker 1: make that clear from the first date. Damn over a cocktail. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I'm not saying that it happen to be with
Speaker 1: It's just like period. I think, don't wait wait. I
Speaker 1: think that I would wait until I knew that that
Speaker 1: was a person I wanted to be with in that way,
Speaker 1: and then you know, unless it just came up in
Speaker 1: your real conversation. But I'm not gonna be on the
Speaker 1: first day, like Okay, so my life goes is married
Speaker 1: rich I think more if you're having a conversation and
Speaker 1: it's like do you want more kids or do you
Speaker 1: want kids? But I do want to get here you
Speaker 1: thin if you like it better? Like that serious. I
Speaker 1: just felt like you should talk about things like what
Speaker 1: you want like period as soon as you can, because
Speaker 1: I don't want to even if it's my friend, like
Speaker 1: you don't know, we might just turn out to be friends.
Speaker 1: You know what I want? Oh well, I'll talk about
Speaker 1: it on the podcast, like that's just something that I
Speaker 1: do like. But it's not like I'm sitting down like okay,
Speaker 1: so I'm like, you know right now I want to
Speaker 1: be married. It's just like you nice to me to
Speaker 1: like not my name is with my rings? Yeah, several
Speaker 1: different questions and talk about several different things, and then
Speaker 1: that will just be one of the things like yeah,
Speaker 1: you see the newsday down it's crazy. I want to
Speaker 1: get two kids. I think for myself, it's not something
Speaker 1: I think about right away until I feel like there's potential,
Speaker 1: like do I see myself even liking this person? Because
Speaker 1: but if I don't even like you, you know, and
Speaker 1: also marriage, this is gonna sound bad, but it's not
Speaker 1: like on the top of my listing priorities sounds bad.
Speaker 1: And I'm in a relationship, but I don't even felt
Speaker 1: like they remember, yeah you did feel like that, And
Speaker 1: I'm in a relationship and I'm everything is cool and smooth.
Speaker 1: For some reason, I'm just not thinking about it, which
Speaker 1: is good. I mean I would I would defer more
Speaker 1: to what you all have said in terms of you know,
Speaker 1: you're evaluating. So for that first day, you don't even
Speaker 1: know if you like the brother, So give it some
Speaker 1: time before you make it. Once you make the decisions, Okay,
Speaker 1: yeah I like him, then okay, great, now you know,
Speaker 1: before we go further, I want to tell you some
Speaker 1: truths and what I think because a lot of times,
Speaker 1: if you don't even know if you like him, you
Speaker 1: could be wasting all this on somebody that doesn't even
Speaker 1: need to know all that they're not even worthy even
Speaker 1: earned the right to know all the things that you
Speaker 1: may want to share about where you're going and what
Speaker 1: you want out of life. So I think it's important
Speaker 1: to give it, you know, a period of time evaluate. Uh,
Speaker 1: you know, look at the situation. Is this the right
Speaker 1: person who is leading with the master, What are their
Speaker 1: commitments in life? What are their what are their goals?
Speaker 1: What are the ambitions? Earlier today I did, UM, after
Speaker 1: I saw you all did a interview and they asked me,
Speaker 1: you know, what are the two you know questions you
Speaker 1: should ask on a date. And I said, you know
Speaker 1: for women and I said, are you married an kids? Um?
Speaker 1: But you know one? UM? You know, what are your
Speaker 1: intentions and where are you going in life? And I said,
Speaker 1: I said. The crazy thing is like right now, if
Speaker 1: we call an uber or a left we go down
Speaker 1: and the first thing we check is is it the
Speaker 1: right car? How do we know it's the right car
Speaker 1: because we put in the destination. If we're going getting
Speaker 1: in a car that's going to the wrong destination, we
Speaker 1: get out. It's the same thing dealing with people. Where
Speaker 1: are you going? What do you want out of life?
Speaker 1: And if that's not where we want to go, don't
Speaker 1: don't don't get in the car, don't get this uberpool
Speaker 1: then make it six stops before seriously, seriously, So it's
Speaker 1: important what a man's intentions, where is he going in life?
Speaker 1: And then is that where you want to go? And
Speaker 1: if it is great, then go through the process get
Speaker 1: to know one another, date, see where it where it leads,
Speaker 1: but give yourself time to evaluate. You mean, after three
Speaker 1: days you may say this is not even the right person,
Speaker 1: and then you just block them and just never Oh
Speaker 1: my god, you have to block somebody, I do. Why
Speaker 1: do you block? Because they don't stop hitting you? Like
Speaker 1: they don't I'm tired, crazy, And even when you block them,
Speaker 1: if they know somewhere where you are Saturday stalker, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's riding by the way, but you think about i'd
Speaker 1: be places like the juice bar or something like that.
Speaker 1: You people where to come. Fine, everybody knows I'm at
Speaker 1: It's my year at the juice bar. We go to
Speaker 1: the juice Bar all the time. So it's like you,
Speaker 1: you know, you just trying to do some weak grass
Speaker 1: in your eyes and run out. Y'all keep coming to it,
Speaker 1: just fans you're buying something. He keep looking. But certain
Speaker 1: things are red flags, like if you're on the first date,
Speaker 1: like somebody who's too touchy. I know, yeah, don't be
Speaker 1: trying to kiss my cheek. Don't touch me, don't do it.
Speaker 1: Y'all know. I had like a date from hell. The
Speaker 1: guy kept trying to like kiss me and like hug
Speaker 1: on me, and I'm just like because we were out before,
Speaker 1: but with friends and then I don't know whether he
Speaker 1: thought we had this amazing connection. I thought he was cool.
Speaker 1: I was willing to give him a you know, a date,
Speaker 1: like out of it and trying to finger she's dragging.
Speaker 1: But when I tell you, I know, red flag. This
Speaker 1: was the red flag. As soon as he came walking up,
Speaker 1: he went to lean and to kiss me, and I
Speaker 1: was like, whoa like a suple hair shake will do,
Speaker 1: because I don't know why we'll be I don't know.
Speaker 1: Another bad sign is somebody who's on their phone all
Speaker 1: the time. I feel like, if you're on a date,
Speaker 1: seeing you gotta put your phone away. Yeah, somebody like
Speaker 1: it's it was contagious. Like my boyfriend he was always
Speaker 1: on the phone. Yeah, so I was on the phone
Speaker 1: because it's like, who am I talking to myself? But
Speaker 1: now it's a habit of my like a bad habit.
Speaker 1: Let's break that. I'd be like, come on, let's put
Speaker 1: our phones away. Yeah, I mean I put that in
Speaker 1: the book. I mean, you know, social media phone use
Speaker 1: is can be a date and relationship killer because it's
Speaker 1: a fundamental communication that spending time this time with you
Speaker 1: is not as important, and so I just have to
Speaker 1: be managed. I mean, we're in a world where they
Speaker 1: are part of our lives. So you know, it's like, okay, cool,
Speaker 1: we're on this date. While we're at dinner, we're putting
Speaker 1: the phones away, right, Okay, god it so we can
Speaker 1: plug in when or when we get home. We're gonna
Speaker 1: watch this show, but we're not gonna use our phone.
Speaker 1: Whatever those rules are. Everybody has to figure out what
Speaker 1: works for them, but it's important to have something. She'd
Speaker 1: be on the date playing video games. I'm like, now,
Speaker 1: think about like when I'm at her and we're watching
Speaker 1: a movie, I play a game while I'm watching. Can't
Speaker 1: you just watch the baby? They or something I can't
Speaker 1: just focus on, Like I have to watch both. I'll
Speaker 1: get bored if I'm just watching the movie. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: unless I'm in a movie theater, because I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: be ignorant with the light all Brandon, That's the only
Speaker 1: way you could get me to like look at the TV.
Speaker 1: And that's it. Like, if not, I'm on. If it's
Speaker 1: route to the waiter, that's another sign. Yeah, that's a huge. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how you see people that's right, but especially people that
Speaker 1: can't do anything for them. You know, what if he
Speaker 1: tries to go Dutch on the first date? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: thought about, like nag flag it comes to I'm like, na,
Speaker 1: that's that's nah. Bro. What if he pays but asked
Speaker 1: you to leave the tip on the first date? You
Speaker 1: know what I would say in a my during since
Speaker 1: that's I would say, okay, that's a good exception. But
Speaker 1: because if it came up and you offered and you're like,
Speaker 1: he's okay, cool, that's cool. But I think if you're
Speaker 1: taking a be prepared to take and the tem but
Speaker 1: if he doesn't leave tip, that is a good sign
Speaker 1: that there's a problem that he doesn't properly value you know,
Speaker 1: people and service and whatnot. That's class. But do you
Speaker 1: think you should look at the receipt just the check
Speaker 1: to make sure be doing that. I just like to
Speaker 1: know because sometimes I side before, like, you know, you
Speaker 1: gotta leave him a little because I definitely I leave
Speaker 1: really good tips, and so I do and I hate
Speaker 1: that I do that, but I always do check because
Speaker 1: outside a little extra. I was out with my friends
Speaker 1: and um, it was we were celebrating the birthday, had
Speaker 1: a little dinner party, and since it was a large party,
Speaker 1: the gratuity was included. But I still slid the waitress. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know, I'm a pain in the ass in the
Speaker 1: restaurant because I need extra this and low ice and
Speaker 1: this and that, and you know I ran her a
Speaker 1: couple of times. So I just felt like the gratuity
Speaker 1: it was already included, just wasn't really felt so bad
Speaker 1: for dropping your ice on the floor. You know that. Well, listen,
Speaker 1: we appreciate you show much divine for coming through and
Speaker 1: helping us out with this book. I know we asked
Speaker 1: you a lot of our own personal questions. It's just
Speaker 1: like a free session for us, so we don't sendscription
Speaker 1: appreciate and I do want to say, like for the ladies,
Speaker 1: I have seen all of our growth from when we
Speaker 1: first started doing this podcast and what our thoughts and
Speaker 1: views on relationships were to where they are now. And
Speaker 1: I see a lot of that reflective when I read
Speaker 1: a book like this where you discussed that, and I
Speaker 1: can say, oh I do do that, Oh I do
Speaker 1: do this. It makes me feel good. That's some things
Speaker 1: we gotta work on. Of course, we yes, we are
Speaker 1: all works in progress, but it's comforting to know that
Speaker 1: we are growing. Am absolutely thank you on so much.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I was about to say the same thing,
Speaker 1: thank you for right now. I've learned so much so far,
Speaker 1: and honestly I haven't finished it yet, but I'm about
Speaker 1: this and I can't wait to get to the end.
Speaker 1: Why do you think that it's a lot more women
Speaker 1: kind of reacting to this than men right now? It's
Speaker 1: just the nature of books, you know, I mean, just
Speaker 1: the book industry in general. Women by the majority of books, especially,
Speaker 1: you know, in the self help you know genre. It's
Speaker 1: just it's just it's just the way it is. How
Speaker 1: do we get men to read more? This is? This
Speaker 1: is how this is this The way it works is
Speaker 1: that women read the books, they start talking about it.
Speaker 1: It gets to a point where men hear about it
Speaker 1: so much to engage, right That's that's how it's It's
Speaker 1: kind of reverse, but that's how it works. So for me,
Speaker 1: especially with this book, you know, I'm like, all right,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm gonna go and do everything I can
Speaker 1: to get men, but let me make sure women are
Speaker 1: part of this conversation and so doing, you know, conversations
Speaker 1: like this is so important, and the more that women
Speaker 1: take hold of this book, we're gonna get to the
Speaker 1: place where eventually men get it. And there are some
Speaker 1: men that have already reached out want information or getting
Speaker 1: the book. So there's a lot of men out there
Speaker 1: who want help, and I think that's what's great about
Speaker 1: the opportunity for a book like this. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of men struggle and when they see another man, who
Speaker 1: again I haven't I don't have it all figured out,
Speaker 1: but when they see another a man pointing the way,
Speaker 1: even sometimes secretly, they reach out. And there's been a
Speaker 1: lot of men that have surprised me that have reached
Speaker 1: out to me personally, um to get help or to
Speaker 1: find out what they can do because I've written the book.
Speaker 1: So it's important to bring them both in the conversation.
Speaker 1: But because women by the majority of books, you're going
Speaker 1: to see a book like this initially be found and
Speaker 1: read by more women. Women. It reminds me of a movie.
Speaker 1: What was the movie making within that? Yeah, I think
Speaker 1: like a man, because the guys started reading the book
Speaker 1: after they've seen those women going after it, so that
Speaker 1: that's absolutely right. Yeah, I think like a man. I know,
Speaker 1: and now I gotta go see you. What is it? Um? What?
Speaker 1: One and one? What do you want to be able
Speaker 1: to read a man's mind? Yep, yes, dangerous, even if
Speaker 1: it wasn't something they lasted forever. But think about the
Speaker 1: things that you think and think. I don't want to
Speaker 1: read a woman's mind. Maybe they can all kind of random. Yes, man,
Speaker 1: no man, no man on this planet could handle knowing
Speaker 1: what a woman thinks, and no woman could handle what
Speaker 1: it mean because you'll be thinking some weird things. Probably
Speaker 1: I think you all could handle better than we could
Speaker 1: handle on your thoughts because we know what you're thinking,
Speaker 1: because not even not even just that it's it's just
Speaker 1: that a man, you know, our pride, our ego, could
Speaker 1: probably be hurt so quick. But you know, I think
Speaker 1: I think on some level you already think men think
Speaker 1: a certain way, so yeah, you're kind of it. But
Speaker 1: I think for men, you know, we're raised to think,
Speaker 1: oh we're the same of the universe. And then to
Speaker 1: know woman's thoughts it she ain't thinking of your back,
Speaker 1: would be like, man, I know he's not talking me crazy.
Speaker 1: I like, baby, I love you. I don't want to know.
Speaker 1: That's a good idea, but we had so much time
Speaker 1: with you. Thank you so much. To Man, we really
Speaker 1: appreciate it. Thank you. I appreciate it as well.